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1
00:00:01,438 --> 00:00:03,505
It's 7:15!
2
00:00:04,000 --> 00:00:06,333
If we're late for school again,
we all go to jail.
3
00:00:07,561 --> 00:00:09,027
Check us out!
4
00:00:09,238 --> 00:00:11,282
Alright! Power suits.
5
00:00:11,307 --> 00:00:12,517
What's the occasion?
6
00:00:12,843 --> 00:00:14,914
Well, the girls have a half-day today,
7
00:00:14,939 --> 00:00:16,454
so I'm bringing them to work.
8
00:00:16,479 --> 00:00:17,755
Ah, the half-day...
9
00:00:17,780 --> 00:00:20,100
When the Denver school system
throws its hands up and goes,
10
00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:22,092
"You wanted to have kids.
You deal with them."
11
00:00:23,539 --> 00:00:25,730
I can't wait to go to work!
12
00:00:25,755 --> 00:00:29,590
[GASPS] Because you're as
inspired by construction as Mommy?
13
00:00:29,898 --> 00:00:33,694
No, because my uncles will
sneak me candy all day.
14
00:00:34,778 --> 00:00:37,208
Great. Well, I'll be using one
of my personal days
15
00:00:37,233 --> 00:00:39,500
to bring my mother to her colonoscopy.
16
00:00:40,521 --> 00:00:43,671
Wow, that prep was
completely out of control.
17
00:00:44,612 --> 00:00:49,093
But I can confidently say
that the needle is on "E."
18
00:00:50,549 --> 00:00:51,549
- Cool.
- Okay.
19
00:00:51,574 --> 00:00:53,224
Oh, remember those sandwiches
20
00:00:53,249 --> 00:00:55,562
we had at Giamela's about a month ago?
21
00:00:55,587 --> 00:00:57,596
Well, apparently, mine was pinned in
22
00:00:57,621 --> 00:00:59,593
by a slice of birthday cake.
23
00:01:00,146 --> 00:01:03,848
How those blueberries skipped the line,
I have no idea.
24
00:01:06,372 --> 00:01:07,476
Don't wanna be late.
25
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:08,579
Yeah, yeah, just give me a minute.
26
00:01:08,603 --> 00:01:11,471
I... I just have to say
goodbye to the girls.
27
00:01:11,701 --> 00:01:16,025
After all, this might be
the last time they... see me.
28
00:01:16,050 --> 00:01:18,551
It's a very routine test.
29
00:01:18,908 --> 00:01:20,978
[VOICE BREAKING] I love you so much.
30
00:01:21,220 --> 00:01:23,213
Little dramatic, Mom.
31
00:01:23,446 --> 00:01:25,010
Adi�s, Gran-cake.
32
00:01:25,035 --> 00:01:26,535
Okay. Come on, everybody.
33
00:01:26,560 --> 00:01:28,181
Time to go. Let's go. Let's get out.
34
00:01:28,428 --> 00:01:30,094
Here we go. Come on, Emily.
35
00:01:30,119 --> 00:01:31,485
Thank you, babe.
36
00:01:32,904 --> 00:01:34,244
You know,
37
00:01:34,269 --> 00:01:37,168
if this is my last moment in this house,
38
00:01:37,463 --> 00:01:39,306
I just have to say...
39
00:01:39,331 --> 00:01:41,408
I hate that couch.
40
00:01:50,182 --> 00:01:53,852
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
41
00:01:56,463 --> 00:01:58,556
Hey, where's all my artwork?
42
00:01:58,836 --> 00:02:01,820
Oh, my God! I've been robbed!
43
00:02:04,466 --> 00:02:06,564
T�o Felix! T�o Javier!
44
00:02:06,589 --> 00:02:08,889
Hey, Emily! How are you?
45
00:02:08,914 --> 00:02:11,582
Hey, shouldn't you two
deadbeats be at the jobsite?
46
00:02:11,609 --> 00:02:12,818
- Deadbeats?
- Deadbeats?
47
00:02:12,843 --> 00:02:14,342
You're a deadbeat.
48
00:02:15,543 --> 00:02:19,577
These callused hands are the
foundation of this business.
49
00:02:19,602 --> 00:02:21,535
Right, so go build something.
50
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:22,693
[CHUCKLES]
51
00:02:22,718 --> 00:02:24,782
We will, but first,
52
00:02:24,807 --> 00:02:28,175
there's a small matter that
requires your attention.
53
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,894
We need a modest advance.
54
00:02:29,919 --> 00:02:31,191
10 paychecks up front.
55
00:02:31,216 --> 00:02:32,456
Why?
56
00:02:32,481 --> 00:02:34,882
[SIGHS] The Nuggets keep losing.
57
00:02:35,749 --> 00:02:37,069
No.
58
00:02:37,094 --> 00:02:38,535
Wow!
59
00:02:40,839 --> 00:02:42,800
And that's why, even if Jesus came back,
60
00:02:42,825 --> 00:02:44,919
I wouldn't let Him wear
sandals on a work site.
61
00:02:44,944 --> 00:02:46,824
- T�a Jo!
- Marta!
62
00:02:46,849 --> 00:02:48,606
Oh, my favorite niece!
63
00:02:48,631 --> 00:02:50,885
I haven't seen you in so long!
64
00:02:50,910 --> 00:02:52,143
I miss you guys.
65
00:02:52,168 --> 00:02:54,168
She's not allowed at your
house for health reasons.
66
00:02:55,079 --> 00:02:56,279
Are these your new co-workers?
67
00:02:56,304 --> 00:02:58,512
'Cause they can't be my cousins.
They're way too grown up!
68
00:02:58,536 --> 00:03:00,135
No, mamita, these are your cousins.
69
00:03:00,160 --> 00:03:01,260
They don't work here.
70
00:03:01,285 --> 00:03:02,776
Dad, I know.
71
00:03:02,801 --> 00:03:05,323
What are you doing here?
It's a half-day today.
72
00:03:05,348 --> 00:03:07,878
Shouldn't you be out planking or...
73
00:03:08,035 --> 00:03:09,393
Pok�mon-ing?
74
00:03:09,418 --> 00:03:11,058
God, I'm so old.
75
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:13,574
Well, my friends went to see a movie,
76
00:03:13,599 --> 00:03:15,331
but, uh, I wasn't allowed.
77
00:03:15,356 --> 00:03:17,496
Chuy, what do you think is gonna happen
78
00:03:17,521 --> 00:03:19,721
if you let Marta see one movie?
79
00:03:19,746 --> 00:03:22,781
Well, she'll see a movie,
then afterwards,
80
00:03:22,806 --> 00:03:24,909
some kid will say, "Hey,
yo, let's go to my house.
81
00:03:24,934 --> 00:03:26,402
I got more movies there."
82
00:03:26,427 --> 00:03:29,097
Next thing you know,
there's a giant heroin orgy.
83
00:03:29,122 --> 00:03:30,722
Chuy, come on.
84
00:03:30,747 --> 00:03:31,941
He's not finished.
85
00:03:31,966 --> 00:03:34,433
Huh-huh! Nine months after the orgy,
86
00:03:34,458 --> 00:03:37,035
Marta gives birth to
a drug-addicted ni�o.
87
00:03:37,591 --> 00:03:39,825
And the precedent has been set.
88
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:42,128
I have to let it see movies.
89
00:03:42,153 --> 00:03:44,089
And the horrible cycle begins again.
90
00:03:44,830 --> 00:03:47,832
Okay, I get that you have to
draw the line somewhere, but...
91
00:03:47,857 --> 00:03:49,377
She's a teenager, Jo.
92
00:03:49,402 --> 00:03:50,731
I have to draw the line everywhere.
93
00:03:50,755 --> 00:03:53,441
One bad decision could
derail her entire life.
94
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,394
- Right, Marta?
- Yes, Papa.
95
00:03:55,419 --> 00:03:57,086
How is she supposed to learn anything
96
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:58,939
if she can't make mistakes?
97
00:03:58,964 --> 00:04:01,001
You're questioning my parenting?
98
00:04:01,285 --> 00:04:03,270
Your 2-year-old is
playing with a stapler.
99
00:04:04,606 --> 00:04:07,051
I-I took the... staples out.
100
00:04:07,076 --> 00:04:08,953
There's always one in the chamber.
101
00:04:08,978 --> 00:04:11,699
I feel like there's
still one in the chamber.
102
00:04:12,635 --> 00:04:14,392
Yeah, that's called a phantom.
103
00:04:14,417 --> 00:04:15,883
It's just a pocket of fresh air.
104
00:04:15,908 --> 00:04:17,120
Ohh.
105
00:04:17,363 --> 00:04:20,355
If you're ready, Sandra,
let us begin the anesthesia.
106
00:04:20,389 --> 00:04:22,366
- I'm nervous.
- Don't you worry.
107
00:04:22,391 --> 00:04:26,093
I've done over 10,000 of these,
and I've never lost a camera.
108
00:04:28,462 --> 00:04:30,706
It's okay, Mom. You'll be fine.
109
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:33,634
I always thought I'd die
next to the man I love,
110
00:04:33,659 --> 00:04:36,581
but... I guess you'll have to do.
111
00:04:37,232 --> 00:04:38,983
No offense.
112
00:04:39,008 --> 00:04:40,691
"No offense." [CHUCKLES]
113
00:04:40,716 --> 00:04:42,550
Such fitting last words.
114
00:04:43,079 --> 00:04:45,277
Whoop. Uh-oh.
115
00:04:45,871 --> 00:04:47,605
I got, like, what, 30, 40 minutes?
116
00:04:47,630 --> 00:04:50,264
You tell me. I can stretch
it out as long as you want.
117
00:04:51,168 --> 00:04:52,396
An hour?
118
00:04:52,421 --> 00:04:54,394
Cool. We'll take the scenic route.
119
00:05:00,951 --> 00:05:02,117
[SIGHS]
120
00:05:03,209 --> 00:05:06,381
You remind me exactly
of me when I was 15.
121
00:05:06,406 --> 00:05:09,574
My dad used to make me sit
here every vacation day.
122
00:05:09,948 --> 00:05:11,436
- Yep.
- Mm-hmm.
123
00:05:11,461 --> 00:05:13,561
Let me guess,
your brothers are off playing sports,
124
00:05:13,586 --> 00:05:14,896
going out on dates?
125
00:05:14,921 --> 00:05:16,787
Actually, they're seeing a movie.
126
00:05:16,812 --> 00:05:19,428
[CHUCKLES] Unbelievable.
127
00:05:19,793 --> 00:05:20,928
Hey.
128
00:05:21,828 --> 00:05:24,365
You want to at least
go get an ice cream?
129
00:05:24,390 --> 00:05:26,631
You actually think I'm
allowed to have sugar?
130
00:05:26,936 --> 00:05:29,911
You know, let me...
Let me try something.
131
00:05:30,231 --> 00:05:31,569
Chuy!
132
00:05:31,594 --> 00:05:32,860
[RATTLING]
133
00:05:32,885 --> 00:05:34,184
I hope this is important.
134
00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:36,609
I just got my chair into
the perfect position.
135
00:05:37,748 --> 00:05:39,962
I just wanted to say...
136
00:05:39,987 --> 00:05:41,339
you were right.
137
00:05:41,364 --> 00:05:43,047
[CHUCKLES] I know.
138
00:05:43,072 --> 00:05:44,404
But about what?
139
00:05:45,351 --> 00:05:47,551
I shouldn't question your parenting.
140
00:05:47,576 --> 00:05:50,344
My family and home are disasters.
141
00:05:50,369 --> 00:05:52,745
My daughters have no real role models.
142
00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:54,638
That's all I was saying.
143
00:05:54,663 --> 00:05:56,494
What if Marta came over
144
00:05:56,519 --> 00:05:59,920
and was the role model that I can't be?
145
00:06:00,473 --> 00:06:01,499
Yeah.
146
00:06:01,524 --> 00:06:03,991
I... could keep them
from watching movies.
147
00:06:04,016 --> 00:06:07,037
You know what?
That all makes wonderful sense.
148
00:06:07,062 --> 00:06:09,420
I'll discuss your proposal
with my wife, Brie.
149
00:06:09,445 --> 00:06:11,186
I know who your wife is.
150
00:06:13,244 --> 00:06:14,910
Hey. Everything go okay?
151
00:06:14,935 --> 00:06:16,168
No.
152
00:06:16,193 --> 00:06:17,826
Oh, my God.
153
00:06:18,025 --> 00:06:19,807
It went amazing.
154
00:06:20,252 --> 00:06:23,909
Your mother has the single most
impressive colon I've ever seen.
155
00:06:23,934 --> 00:06:25,589
She might live to be a billion.
156
00:06:25,614 --> 00:06:27,224
Ah, that's great to hear.
157
00:06:27,249 --> 00:06:29,082
Some people shoot dope.
158
00:06:29,107 --> 00:06:30,807
Some people jump out of planes.
159
00:06:30,832 --> 00:06:32,298
This is my rush.
160
00:06:32,323 --> 00:06:34,123
And I'm flying high, baby.
161
00:06:35,014 --> 00:06:37,001
Any paperwork for me to sign or...?
162
00:06:37,026 --> 00:06:39,550
Bill, on my deathbed,
I'm gonna remember two things...
163
00:06:39,575 --> 00:06:42,376
Losing my virginity to Elizabeth Taylor
164
00:06:42,401 --> 00:06:44,745
and your mom's colon.
165
00:06:46,609 --> 00:06:48,179
Wow.
166
00:06:48,204 --> 00:06:50,504
Maybe she should be charging you, right?
167
00:06:50,606 --> 00:06:52,005
That's inappropriate.
168
00:06:53,422 --> 00:06:55,612
Well, helloodle-doodle.
169
00:06:56,175 --> 00:06:58,289
Uh, Doc, would it be
alright, if I, um...
170
00:06:58,314 --> 00:07:01,307
Take a video of her woozy,
drugged-out ramblings?
171
00:07:01,332 --> 00:07:02,560
Sure. Go ahead.
172
00:07:02,585 --> 00:07:05,003
[CHUCKLES]
173
00:07:05,028 --> 00:07:08,628
Ladies and germs, "Mambo No. 6."
174
00:07:08,653 --> 00:07:10,628
Oh, I think you mean "No. 5," huh, Ma?
175
00:07:10,653 --> 00:07:13,010
No, this is boys' names.
176
00:07:13,395 --> 00:07:14,795
A little bit of Tim.
177
00:07:14,820 --> 00:07:16,219
A little bit of Jim.
178
00:07:16,244 --> 00:07:17,844
A little bit of Dave.
179
00:07:18,100 --> 00:07:19,971
Where's Dave?
180
00:07:19,996 --> 00:07:21,612
Where's Dave?
181
00:07:21,637 --> 00:07:23,065
I want Dave!
182
00:07:23,090 --> 00:07:25,357
Oh-ho-ho. I don't know!
183
00:07:25,382 --> 00:07:27,017
Dave's missing, I guess.
184
00:07:27,042 --> 00:07:29,086
Well, I need Dave.
185
00:07:29,111 --> 00:07:31,745
I looove Dave.
186
00:07:31,770 --> 00:07:34,358
Ohh! You love him? Okay.
187
00:07:34,383 --> 00:07:36,316
I'll go find him, then. Who's Dave?
188
00:07:36,341 --> 00:07:38,557
- My first husband.
- What?
189
00:07:40,172 --> 00:07:41,966
You should probably wash your phone.
190
00:07:41,991 --> 00:07:43,760
It is disgusting in here.
191
00:07:46,753 --> 00:07:49,455
Oh, I forgot to tell you.
Marta's coming over tomorrow.
192
00:07:49,480 --> 00:07:51,893
Thought she wasn't allowed
here on account of the squalor.
193
00:07:52,628 --> 00:07:54,689
Yeah, well, I tricked Chuy into it.
194
00:07:54,714 --> 00:07:56,205
He's suffocating Marta.
195
00:07:56,230 --> 00:07:59,354
I bet just one night here will
completely change her life.
196
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,579
Probably.
197
00:08:00,945 --> 00:08:02,737
You're awesome.
198
00:08:03,331 --> 00:08:05,905
Every night here
completely changes my life.
199
00:08:07,164 --> 00:08:10,019
Sorry. I feel like I should have
a compliment for you right now,
200
00:08:10,044 --> 00:08:11,182
but I don't.
201
00:08:11,779 --> 00:08:13,628
That's okay.
202
00:08:14,012 --> 00:08:16,417
- Oh! Found him.
- Who?
203
00:08:16,442 --> 00:08:18,495
My mom's first husband. That's him!
204
00:08:18,520 --> 00:08:19,915
Dave Plonker.
205
00:08:19,940 --> 00:08:21,153
He lives in Denver,
206
00:08:21,178 --> 00:08:22,995
and he runs a sprinkler-repair business.
207
00:08:23,020 --> 00:08:25,745
My God, I can't believe your
mom was married before,
208
00:08:25,770 --> 00:08:26,770
and you didn't know.
209
00:08:26,795 --> 00:08:28,871
Ooh, ooh! Maybe she'll call him.
210
00:08:28,896 --> 00:08:30,596
No, no, she wouldn't call.
211
00:08:30,621 --> 00:08:34,189
My mom hasn't been on a date
since my dad left 30 years ago.
212
00:08:34,393 --> 00:08:37,336
But you could call him.
213
00:08:37,361 --> 00:08:39,931
Jo, I'm married.
214
00:08:40,791 --> 00:08:42,285
But we do have that broken sprinkler.
215
00:08:42,310 --> 00:08:43,363
You know, the one that goes
216
00:08:43,387 --> 00:08:45,655
"Pfffft-f-f-f-f-f-f, pffft-f-f..."
217
00:08:45,680 --> 00:08:48,425
Actually, no, it's...
It's... it's more like
218
00:08:48,450 --> 00:08:50,784
"Fffffff-f-f-f-fff-f-f-ffffff."
219
00:08:50,809 --> 00:08:52,214
Okay. Yeah.
220
00:08:52,239 --> 00:08:53,448
While that is the movement...
221
00:08:53,473 --> 00:08:55,061
- "F-f-f-f."
- Okay, you're way off on the noise.
222
00:08:55,085 --> 00:08:59,115
- 'Cause it, like, sprays everything.
- The noise is the "Pffft, f-f-f-f-f."
223
00:08:59,140 --> 00:09:00,740
No, no, no, babe, it's "Ffffff, fffff."
224
00:09:00,765 --> 00:09:04,233
- Yeah, "Pffft" with the "Fff."
- "F-f-f-f, ffft."
225
00:09:04,258 --> 00:09:07,510
Alright, look, the point is,
Mr. Dave Plonker
226
00:09:07,535 --> 00:09:09,327
could come and take
a look at our sprinkler.
227
00:09:09,352 --> 00:09:11,481
Right, right, and then who
knows what happens, you know?
228
00:09:11,505 --> 00:09:14,507
They might fall back in love.
She could move out.
229
00:09:14,532 --> 00:09:17,296
We could turn her room
into a bird sanctuary.
230
00:09:17,889 --> 00:09:20,100
No way, dude. I'm getting a drum set.
231
00:09:20,625 --> 00:09:23,025
You know, I would love to
see my mom find happiness
232
00:09:23,050 --> 00:09:25,718
in something other than
low-priced rotisserie chickens.
233
00:09:26,623 --> 00:09:28,264
Between Marta and your mom,
234
00:09:28,296 --> 00:09:30,963
we are fixing so many
people's lives right now.
235
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:32,468
Mm-hmm, and our sprinkler,
236
00:09:32,493 --> 00:09:35,995
which we both know goes like this...
"Pffft, f-f-f-f-f."
237
00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:38,297
You're spitting all over me!
238
00:09:39,858 --> 00:09:42,078
[DOORBELL RINGS]
239
00:09:42,530 --> 00:09:43,936
Hey, you two.
240
00:09:43,961 --> 00:09:46,466
There's my daughters' new role model.
241
00:09:46,491 --> 00:09:48,085
Hey, T�a.
242
00:09:48,110 --> 00:09:49,418
My father also believes
243
00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:51,310
your kids will scare
me off of having sex.
244
00:09:53,858 --> 00:09:55,211
Yeah, he's probably right.
245
00:09:55,236 --> 00:09:57,059
Not so fast.
246
00:09:57,084 --> 00:09:58,896
Just because you're not
under my roof tonight
247
00:09:58,921 --> 00:10:01,253
does not mean that you
won't be following my rules.
248
00:10:01,278 --> 00:10:02,278
- Of course.
- Yes, sir.
249
00:10:02,303 --> 00:10:03,984
To review... respect this home,
250
00:10:04,009 --> 00:10:05,741
even though they clearly don't.
251
00:10:06,715 --> 00:10:08,571
No TV. No video games.
252
00:10:08,596 --> 00:10:11,022
If you even see Twitter, scream.
253
00:10:11,983 --> 00:10:14,150
Do not use the word "sucks."
254
00:10:14,409 --> 00:10:16,366
Do not say "biz-natch."
255
00:10:16,391 --> 00:10:17,857
I put coasters in your backpack
256
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:19,929
because I've never seen one here.
257
00:10:20,915 --> 00:10:24,350
Do use a coaster, don't be a boaster.
258
00:10:25,578 --> 00:10:27,202
But she can vape, right?
259
00:10:27,227 --> 00:10:28,760
- What?!
- Chuy, I'm kidding!
260
00:10:28,785 --> 00:10:30,431
See, that's your problem.
You're always kidding.
261
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,749
I'm adulting.
262
00:10:31,774 --> 00:10:33,366
[SPEAKS SPANISH]
263
00:10:33,549 --> 00:10:36,085
Aha! We did it. You're out!
264
00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:38,711
And don't worry. The only
rules here are ice-cream-related.
265
00:10:38,736 --> 00:10:40,736
And they're very flexible.
266
00:10:42,784 --> 00:10:46,375
Hey, uh, Marta, I gotta fill you
in on something really quick.
267
00:10:46,468 --> 00:10:48,334
- Okay.
- Earlier today, I called
268
00:10:48,359 --> 00:10:50,559
my mom's secret first
husband's sprinkler business,
269
00:10:50,584 --> 00:10:51,728
and he'll be here any minute,
270
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,416
but he doesn't know that she lives here,
271
00:10:53,441 --> 00:10:55,911
and she doesn't even know that
I'm aware of the marriage.
272
00:10:56,171 --> 00:10:57,443
And, as Bravo says,
273
00:10:57,468 --> 00:10:59,530
"We're gonna watch what happens."
274
00:11:00,595 --> 00:11:02,179
What's Bravo?
275
00:11:05,345 --> 00:11:07,913
I don't know.
You know, something Jo watches.
276
00:11:09,447 --> 00:11:11,452
[MUFFLED] Mmm. Can you believe it?
277
00:11:11,477 --> 00:11:14,069
This chicken was $3.99.
278
00:11:14,480 --> 00:11:16,072
I bought a ton of them.
279
00:11:16,097 --> 00:11:17,561
It's as good as it gets.
280
00:11:18,366 --> 00:11:19,749
[DOORBELL RINGS]
281
00:11:19,774 --> 00:11:21,677
Uh, Mother, would you get that?
282
00:11:21,702 --> 00:11:23,327
I am very lazy.
283
00:11:38,579 --> 00:11:40,378
Dave Plonker?
284
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,765
[GASPS]
285
00:11:41,790 --> 00:11:44,201
Sandy Bethesda Sanders?
286
00:11:46,325 --> 00:11:49,272
You lying sack of [BLEEP]!
287
00:11:53,768 --> 00:11:56,123
Okay. I deserved that.
288
00:11:57,362 --> 00:11:59,328
You also deserve this.
289
00:12:04,172 --> 00:12:06,756
This is way better than my house.
290
00:12:10,749 --> 00:12:12,088
Sorry, Dave.
291
00:12:12,113 --> 00:12:13,764
I was angry.
292
00:12:15,307 --> 00:12:18,475
So, wait, you guys haven't
seen each other in 35 years?
293
00:12:18,708 --> 00:12:21,272
That is a huge coincidence, huh, Jo?
294
00:12:21,882 --> 00:12:23,334
Mm.
295
00:12:24,741 --> 00:12:27,775
I can't believe these
chickens were $3.99.
296
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:30,111
You haven't changed a bit, Sandy.
297
00:12:30,136 --> 00:12:32,325
You're still finding bargain chicken.
298
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:34,192
[BOTH LAUGH]
299
00:12:34,217 --> 00:12:36,617
Oh, remember that time
in North Carolina?
300
00:12:36,642 --> 00:12:38,678
- 25 cents!
- 25 cents!
301
00:12:39,478 --> 00:12:41,622
You know, up until today,
302
00:12:41,647 --> 00:12:44,090
that was the craziest thing
that ever happened in my life.
303
00:12:44,115 --> 00:12:45,935
- Me, too.
- Mm.
304
00:12:46,206 --> 00:12:48,771
You haven't aged a day.
305
00:12:49,065 --> 00:12:50,466
He hasn't?
306
00:12:50,701 --> 00:12:51,933
I'm sorry.
307
00:12:51,958 --> 00:12:54,411
The... The way we left things,
it was just...
308
00:12:54,436 --> 00:12:56,465
I was so stupid.
309
00:12:56,490 --> 00:12:58,729
I just thought I wasn't
experienced enough.
310
00:12:58,754 --> 00:13:03,334
Well... now I've experienced
literally everything.
311
00:13:03,359 --> 00:13:05,927
Well, that's literally impossible.
312
00:13:06,475 --> 00:13:09,642
But I never met another woman like you.
313
00:13:11,142 --> 00:13:12,553
Oh, it was my fault.
314
00:13:12,578 --> 00:13:14,912
I-I-I-I just kept screaming at you
315
00:13:14,937 --> 00:13:16,928
when you'd leave your
underwear everywhere.
316
00:13:16,953 --> 00:13:18,605
I just don't wear them anymore.
317
00:13:18,630 --> 00:13:20,730
- Me...
- Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom! Mom, Mom!
318
00:13:20,755 --> 00:13:22,420
It's cool if you want
to say "Me either,"
319
00:13:22,445 --> 00:13:24,599
but I would like to leave
the room first, please.
320
00:13:25,701 --> 00:13:28,832
The boy is right.
We should catch up solo.
321
00:13:28,857 --> 00:13:30,894
How'd you like to hop on my hog tonight,
322
00:13:30,919 --> 00:13:33,412
and we go for a quick ride,
like old times, huh?
323
00:13:34,612 --> 00:13:36,177
Is that a euphemism?
324
00:13:37,965 --> 00:13:39,777
Do you have a helmet?
325
00:13:39,802 --> 00:13:41,240
I have two.
326
00:13:41,774 --> 00:13:43,599
- Big ones.
- Oh!
327
00:13:44,102 --> 00:13:45,568
- I can't tell.
- Mm.
328
00:13:48,975 --> 00:13:50,530
Mm.
329
00:13:50,555 --> 00:13:51,955
Nothing pairs better with vitamins
330
00:13:51,980 --> 00:13:53,333
than a buttery Chardonnay.
331
00:13:53,358 --> 00:13:54,424
Mm.
332
00:13:54,449 --> 00:13:56,480
I'm literally catching a healthy buzz.
333
00:13:56,505 --> 00:13:58,105
- [CHUCKLES]
- [GLASSES CLINK]
334
00:13:58,130 --> 00:13:59,844
[CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
335
00:14:00,246 --> 00:14:02,241
Uch. It's Chuy,
336
00:14:02,266 --> 00:14:04,599
making sure Marta did her push-ups.
337
00:14:05,690 --> 00:14:06,914
I'm sending him back a text
338
00:14:06,939 --> 00:14:08,781
of Stanley from "The Office" going...
339
00:14:10,510 --> 00:14:12,541
- You know?
- Yeah, I know. It's a good one.
340
00:14:12,566 --> 00:14:13,660
Yeah.
341
00:14:13,685 --> 00:14:15,051
Finished my push-ups.
342
00:14:18,485 --> 00:14:20,611
Marta, come. Sit down.
343
00:14:20,636 --> 00:14:22,377
Let's talk for a second.
344
00:14:23,087 --> 00:14:24,786
How's school this year?
345
00:14:26,091 --> 00:14:27,234
I don't know.
346
00:14:27,259 --> 00:14:29,125
Dad's making me take all honors classes,
347
00:14:29,150 --> 00:14:30,390
and I also have to do orchestra
348
00:14:30,415 --> 00:14:32,715
because he says that most
violinists are virgins.
349
00:14:36,071 --> 00:14:38,038
What do you do for fun?
350
00:14:38,223 --> 00:14:40,423
Dad says getting
into college will be fun.
351
00:14:40,635 --> 00:14:43,580
Sounds like you're doing
everything your dad wants.
352
00:14:43,605 --> 00:14:45,182
What do you want to do?
353
00:14:45,587 --> 00:14:47,453
I don't know.
354
00:14:47,741 --> 00:14:49,627
Nobody's ever asked me that before.
355
00:14:50,072 --> 00:14:51,738
Really?
356
00:14:51,950 --> 00:14:55,182
Honey, that's very sad.
357
00:14:57,788 --> 00:15:00,455
I just do whatever my
parents tell me to do.
358
00:15:00,565 --> 00:15:01,565
Wow.
359
00:15:01,590 --> 00:15:02,756
Me, too.
360
00:15:05,103 --> 00:15:07,424
Marta, you're 15.
361
00:15:07,449 --> 00:15:10,463
You can start making some
of your own decisions.
362
00:15:10,488 --> 00:15:12,612
I'm really not allowed.
363
00:15:12,637 --> 00:15:15,305
God! Nobody gets us, Marta.
364
00:15:17,181 --> 00:15:21,017
You know, growing up,
my dad was exactly like yours.
365
00:15:21,446 --> 00:15:22,455
[SIGHS]
366
00:15:22,480 --> 00:15:23,861
He was so strict.
367
00:15:23,886 --> 00:15:26,086
I mean, he wouldn't even
let me play volleyball.
368
00:15:26,212 --> 00:15:29,752
Meantime, m-my brothers were
out doing whatever they wanted.
369
00:15:30,132 --> 00:15:33,697
And, finally,
I-I-I had to confront him about it.
370
00:15:33,939 --> 00:15:36,369
And it was really hard,
371
00:15:36,394 --> 00:15:38,839
but... you know what?
372
00:15:38,864 --> 00:15:41,697
I think it actually made
him respect me more.
373
00:15:42,830 --> 00:15:44,344
Wow.
374
00:15:44,369 --> 00:15:45,908
I know your dad is intense,
375
00:15:45,933 --> 00:15:48,634
so whenever you need a break,
376
00:15:48,659 --> 00:15:50,292
you can always come here.
377
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:52,019
- Thanks, t�a.
- Yeah.
378
00:15:52,301 --> 00:15:53,603
You know what?
379
00:15:53,929 --> 00:15:56,163
This calls for an ice cream soda.
380
00:15:56,343 --> 00:15:59,603
My dad says I'm only allowed to
eat ice cream in an emergency.
381
00:16:02,031 --> 00:16:03,978
One decision won't ruin your life.
382
00:16:04,003 --> 00:16:05,168
Let me go get my coaster.
383
00:16:05,193 --> 00:16:06,369
[CHUCKLING] No.
384
00:16:06,394 --> 00:16:10,166
Marta, you are gonna
leave a ring on that table...
385
00:16:10,571 --> 00:16:12,361
and you're gonna like it.
386
00:16:22,340 --> 00:16:24,869
This feels so great.
387
00:16:26,296 --> 00:16:27,674
Oh. Look at that.
388
00:16:27,699 --> 00:16:29,923
That ring made the fifth
circle of the Olympic logo.
389
00:16:29,948 --> 00:16:31,548
[LAUGHS]
390
00:16:32,881 --> 00:16:35,062
S-O.
391
00:16:35,087 --> 00:16:36,553
"So."
392
00:16:36,578 --> 00:16:38,791
With the double-letter score,
that's three points.
393
00:16:40,529 --> 00:16:42,494
Wow! Look at you!
394
00:16:42,519 --> 00:16:44,111
Hot stuff!
395
00:16:44,961 --> 00:16:47,541
I need to cancel. I can't go on a date.
396
00:16:47,916 --> 00:16:49,799
Tell us what's going on.
397
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:54,768
I-I-I guess I was flying on
adrenaline when I saw Dave.
398
00:16:54,908 --> 00:16:57,572
I'm not a teenager. I'm 71.
399
00:16:57,988 --> 00:16:59,893
I can't go on a date.
400
00:17:01,549 --> 00:17:03,816
Mom, listen, before your test yesterday,
401
00:17:03,841 --> 00:17:06,494
you said you wished you
were with the man you loved.
402
00:17:07,317 --> 00:17:09,869
I don't know if Dave's the guy,
but you gotta start looking,
403
00:17:09,894 --> 00:17:12,143
'cause the doctor said you're
gonna live to be a billion.
404
00:17:17,900 --> 00:17:21,441
I'd like to find what...
you have with Jo.
405
00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:22,943
Aww.
406
00:17:22,968 --> 00:17:24,868
Well, Jo's taken, so...
407
00:17:26,238 --> 00:17:28,166
- I don't know.
- Ohhh!
408
00:17:29,603 --> 00:17:32,103
Besides, it'd be a crime
to waste that killer outfit
409
00:17:32,128 --> 00:17:34,393
hanging with your giant, simple son.
410
00:17:37,422 --> 00:17:39,471
You're so sweet.
411
00:17:39,750 --> 00:17:41,752
- I'll go.
- Aww.
412
00:17:43,528 --> 00:17:45,172
Thanks.
413
00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,995
Oh. Okay. Alright.
414
00:17:47,020 --> 00:17:48,456
- No, we'll just...
- Oh!
415
00:17:50,018 --> 00:17:51,317
Excuse me.
416
00:17:54,198 --> 00:17:55,550
I guess I should've gone
around the other way.
417
00:17:55,574 --> 00:17:57,107
Nah, it's fine. It's fine.
418
00:17:57,581 --> 00:18:01,518
So, Marta, if I don't drive
you home in 12 minutes,
419
00:18:01,543 --> 00:18:03,581
your dad says I'm grounded, so...
420
00:18:04,784 --> 00:18:06,784
Alright. See you, Uncle Bill.
421
00:18:06,809 --> 00:18:08,667
Jo, I won't look at
your letters. I swear.
422
00:18:08,692 --> 00:18:10,518
Thank you both so much.
423
00:18:10,543 --> 00:18:12,743
I know it was just a
regular night for you,
424
00:18:12,768 --> 00:18:14,768
but it was a lot of fun for me.
425
00:18:14,793 --> 00:18:17,393
Aww. Anytime, Marta.
426
00:18:17,418 --> 00:18:19,166
You guys laugh so much.
427
00:18:19,191 --> 00:18:20,957
Well, I'm very funny.
428
00:18:22,481 --> 00:18:23,637
Okay, let's go.
429
00:18:23,662 --> 00:18:25,028
Bye, Marta.
430
00:18:25,851 --> 00:18:27,393
[DOOR CLOSES]
431
00:18:28,166 --> 00:18:30,495
Hold on. Is "marf" a word?
432
00:18:34,806 --> 00:18:37,640
Can I just take a moment
to celebrate us?
433
00:18:37,946 --> 00:18:40,253
Marta's life has changed forever.
434
00:18:40,278 --> 00:18:41,945
Your mom is on a hot date.
435
00:18:41,970 --> 00:18:45,329
Yep. Our deception completely
fixed our families' lives.
436
00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:48,915
We're basically gods,
437
00:18:49,264 --> 00:18:51,297
manipulating puny, little mortals
438
00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:53,399
like pieces on a chess board.
439
00:18:55,216 --> 00:18:56,993
Haven't heard from
my mom in a while, though.
440
00:18:57,018 --> 00:18:59,001
- Should I be nervous?
- No.
441
00:18:59,026 --> 00:19:00,946
I mean, what do we even
know about this Dave guy?
442
00:19:00,971 --> 00:19:02,649
What if he gets her hooked on meth?
443
00:19:03,600 --> 00:19:05,666
Babe, have you seen
her medicine cabinet?
444
00:19:05,691 --> 00:19:07,555
I don't think meth would even touch her.
445
00:19:08,921 --> 00:19:11,157
- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Oh, good. She's home.
446
00:19:11,182 --> 00:19:12,915
Must've forgot her key.
447
00:19:16,018 --> 00:19:17,493
Marta?
448
00:19:17,518 --> 00:19:19,251
I did what you said.
449
00:19:19,276 --> 00:19:21,376
Uh-oh. W-W-What did we say, again?
450
00:19:21,972 --> 00:19:24,938
I told my dad I need to start
making my own decisions.
451
00:19:24,963 --> 00:19:26,308
Then he said if I wanted to live there,
452
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:27,899
then I have to obey his rules.
453
00:19:27,924 --> 00:19:29,758
So I said I don't want to live there.
454
00:19:29,783 --> 00:19:31,407
And so I'm here.
455
00:19:32,323 --> 00:19:33,672
Ah!
456
00:19:35,099 --> 00:19:36,852
Wow!
457
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:38,797
Yikes. [CHUCKLES]
458
00:19:38,822 --> 00:19:40,422
Darn. Um...
459
00:19:40,672 --> 00:19:42,405
Okay, okay, Marta.
460
00:19:42,430 --> 00:19:45,218
Uh... why don't...
Why don't you go to bed,
461
00:19:45,243 --> 00:19:47,867
and we will figure this out
in the morning?
462
00:19:47,892 --> 00:19:49,789
- Thank you,
- Sure.
463
00:19:52,669 --> 00:19:54,438
BILL: Good night, Marta.
464
00:19:55,835 --> 00:19:57,469
Chuy's gonna kill us.
465
00:19:57,956 --> 00:20:00,034
And how the hell are we gonna
figure this out in the morning?
466
00:20:00,058 --> 00:20:02,394
- I have no idea.
- Man.
467
00:20:02,419 --> 00:20:04,290
We really marfed this one.
468
00:20:05,786 --> 00:20:06,908
What?
469
00:20:06,933 --> 00:20:08,697
- I think marf's a word.
- Marf's not a word.
470
00:20:08,722 --> 00:20:10,517
Yes, it is! Well, it's in Scrabble.
471
00:20:10,542 --> 00:20:13,361
I mean, they have to check in a
dictionary or something, don't they?
472
00:20:15,963 --> 00:20:17,509
Hey, buster. Wake up.
473
00:20:19,170 --> 00:20:21,095
Mom? What's happening?
474
00:20:21,120 --> 00:20:22,525
Yeah, I need 80 bucks.
475
00:20:22,550 --> 00:20:24,350
Dave's taking me cosmic bowling.
476
00:20:27,124 --> 00:20:28,720
There you go.
477
00:20:28,745 --> 00:20:31,546
Okay, don't wait up, busters!
478
00:20:34,170 --> 00:20:35,603
What's happening?
479
00:20:35,628 --> 00:20:38,095
We now have two teenagers living here.
480
00:20:40,406 --> 00:20:42,494
Ugh. I ate too much chicken.
481
00:20:43,686 --> 00:20:46,953
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00:20:47,003 --> 00:20:51,553
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