Original subtitles

[Spanish techno fusion]

[Trish] Hola everyone! I'm back!

Brr! It's always cold, isn't it, when you come back from your holly-bobs?

Been wandering around in my tankini for two weeks.

-[sucking at orange] -Oh, the food there is amazing.

I ate a prawn the size of my fist!

I've, um, brought you something back, for everyone to share.

Do you want to see some photos?

No. A number of things happened while you were away

that made my working environment intolerable.

-Alright, well, just write it down-- -I've written it down.

Paul had a 20 minute poo.

Natalie and Karl have been heavy petting during lunch times,

and Janette keeps singing the theme to The Antiques Roadshow.

Oh, I love that.

[hums The Antiques Roadshow theme]

It grates me to my core.

Welcome back.

["Work" playing]

[background chatter]

-[tapping glass] -Natalie? Please?

[Natalie] Clink, clink, clink.

[Trish] Okay, normally I would celebrate alone,

but as it's a big one, I'd thought we might raise a glass together.

[Paul] Don't let Janette have more than one. She's a two-pot screamer.

[Janette] I am not.

You had a drink last Christmas and called a job seeker a "see you next Tuesday".

He was one.

To Brownall Jobcentre, 25 years young.

[everybody] Brownall Jobcentre.

Are you gonna drink that?

[Trish] Now, this anniversary is a great opportunity for us to look

to our yesterdays to inspire tomorrow's job seekers today. We are...

[Natalie and Trish] Looking back to look forward.

[Trish] Teamwork makes the dreamwork.

-Now Trish-- -Now I have come up with

a little Brownall birthday quiz.

And it's called... drum roll, please Natalie.

[Natalie rolls tongue]

"Let's see who knows the most about Brownall Jobcentre quiz".

[Natalie imitates cymbals]

Oh Natalie, you're like a human beatbox.

[Trish chuckles] Right, question one.

Which staff member has been at Brownall since it opened in 1990?

It's me, shall we move on?

Angela, if we're going to answer our own questions,

there's not much point in playing, is there?

No.

[door clicks open]

[door slams shut]

Anyway, um, while you were away, Trish,

I arranged a little Brownall birthday surprise.

I managed to track down Brownall's first-ever manager.

Ladies and gentlemen, Maggie Higgins.

-[applause] -Hello, my darlings!

My goodness, it's good to be back in the old girl again.

[Maggie inhales deeply]

-She even smells the same. -O-M-D, this is so exciting.

Hello, I'm Trish.

-Hello. Oh. -Oh.

[both giggle]

-Bubbles? -Oh, I really shouldn't.

Bit of trouble with the old ticker.

Still... you only live once.

Cheers!

And as I always used to say, "the dream works, because the team works".

-[everybody] Cheers. -Up yours!

[funky techno music]

[laughter]

You know, I've always wanted to write a biography about Brownall.

A Brown-ography! [giggles]

Oh yes, yes, that's very funny.

Oh, what is this I see before me?

It's a memory board. Twenty-five years of Brownall.

Natalie, I think you are a pin-board wizard.

-[Natalie chuckles] -It's majestic.

What? It's just a pin-board with some old photos stuck on it.

[Trish] Karl, stop being so negative.

[Maggie gasps] Hold on, do my eyes deceive me? Is that...

It is... it's you!

Angela, my darling, how are you?

Maggie.

I didn't recognise you. What's happened to all your beautiful, blonde hair?

Does she still have you in stitches?

-You sure you've got the right person? -[Maggie] Come on,

there's only one Angela Bromford.

Go on, Ang, do one of your impressions.

I didn't know you did impressions, Angela.

So funny.

Her Kylie Minogue was the highlight of the staff talent show.

Oh, please do it for us, Angela.

[Maggie] Don't be shy, we all want to see your Kylie, don't we?

More than anything in the world.

I am not doing any impressions of any kind.

Not even your Tina Turner?

Come on Angela, give us a bit of your Nutbush.

Prick up your ears, job seekers, here's a little something to inspire you.

This is three generations of the same family

who have all found work through this job centre.

[Bianca] Well, two generations.

[Bridget] This 'un suffers from bed-i-tis.

[Bryony] Piss off, nan.

-The Wests. -[applause]

[Karl] Say "cheese".

Bryony, you gonna smile?

Am I? Bollocks.

Okay.

[snaps photo]

Eh, Bryony, you were right, he has got a fit arse.

Nan! I swear to God I've never even mentioned your arse.

What you talking about? You never shut up about it.

Right, that's it nan, you're going in a home.

I'm 47.

So, as part of our anniversary,

we are celebrating Brownall success stories.

Now, this is Charlie.

Uh, he was long-term unemployed,

but now he runs a successful IT company. Ka-ching!

Actually... it was this man here.

[beeping]

-Huh? -You used to sign me on, do you remember?

Yeah, yeah.

You said something to me that changed my life forever.

Did I?

You told me to go out and kick life in the dick.

And that's literally what I did.

You mean figuratively, but carry on.

[Charlie] You can learn a lot from this man.

[Ash] Really?

Karl, would you say that you've kicked life in the dick?

I haven't exactly... kicked it.

Probably more, sort of... stroked it...

with my toe.

Right, so you're saying that you've given life a foot job.

Huh. Inspiring stuff.

[Karl grunts]

[relaxing guitar music]

[speaking Spanish]

Not a clue.

Take a seat over there, my love.

I've got you some crepe paper, thought you might scrunch it up...

[shrieking] Oh my God! Raul!

Trishy!

[Raul and Trish laugh]

[Trish] Oh!

[kissing loudly]

[Trish and Raul gasp]

-[speaking Spanish] -I don't know what you're saying!

Uh, Trish?

Oh my gosh.

First Maggie and now him, it's like Surprise Surprise!

-How on earth did you find him? -I didn't, I don't know who he is.

Oh, um...

Natalie, uh, everyone, this is Raul.

He's a Spanish Spaniard that I met in Spain.

He took me on a tour of his vineyard...

we just clicked over several bottles of Rioja.

[speaking Spanish]

Um, this was the, um... the problem.

Our bodies spoke the same language, but our mouths didn't.

[Paul in Spanish] Excuse me, sir,

I'm guessing from your accent you're from Andalusia?

[in Spanish] Yes, I'm from Andalusia.

-Thank God you speak Spanish. -You speak Spanish?

I worked the door at Lineker's bar in Puerto Banus.

How did he find me?

[in Spanish] Trish wants to know how you found her.

[in Spanish] We spent a lot of time together,

but the words she most often repeated,

even when we were making love, was "Brownall Jobcentre".

[Paul] Um... he says when he got you "excited",

you'd shout out "Brownall Jobcentre".

Oh, Lordy. Um, Natalie, I'll be in my office.

I'm leaving you in charge of casa de Brownhall.

[giggles] Step this way, señor.

[Maggie] Recognise this cheery face?

No.

It's you, 25 years ago, outside this very job centre.

-Do you want to stick it on the board? -Stick it where you like.

Whatever happened to my golden girl?

You were always so positive, so full of fun.

Even when your mother passed away.

My mother's not dead.

-Isn't she? -I think I'd remember

the death of my own mother.

I'm sure I gave you a week off... for compassionate leave.

You're wrong.

Now, if you don't mind, I've got work to do.

We're not all retired.

[Karl] Ah.

Buenas noches.

I'll take that.

[in Spanish] I'm going to ask Trishy to marry me.

[in Spanish] Really?

He says he's going to ask Trish to marry him.

-[Ash laughs] -[Janette] Oh, how lovely!

-I will have to buy a new hat. -What? That's ridiculous.

-[in Spanish] Thank you. -[Natalie] I think it's really sweet.

Sweet?

Yeah, he's being spontaneous, it's really romantic.

He's only known her a fortnight, he could be a serial killer. Yeah?

Your scepticism is understandable, Karl, because you're naturally risk-averse.

Mr. Predictable... In a good way.

[Paul] It's alright, mate, we can't all be interesting and dynamic.

You think I'm boring?

[Janette] No, just... safe.

Like vanilla ice cream.

Everyone likes vanilla ice cream.

That's what I love about you, I always know what I'm going to get.

[Janette] Yeah, the same, every day.

In a good way.

[rock guitar music]

-Where are we going? -To kick life in the dick.

We're not going to a sports bar, are we?

I'd like to buy an engagement ring right now, please.

[Donna] Someone's in a hurry.

Yeah, well, I've just decided to ask my girlfriend to marry me.

[sighs] How romantic.

And spontaneous?

-Very. -Brilliant. Show me your rings.

Oh wow, these are--

Jesus...

...beautiful.

[phone rings]

Oh. Excuse me a minute.

Sure.

-What are you trying to prove? -I'm proving, Ash,

that this is the new me.

Karl "spontaneous and romantic" Lyndhurst.

But you're not being spontaneous or romantic. You're just copying Raul.

-Am I? Is that what I'm going? -Yeah.

What about this, then? Where's that gone? You see it? Magic. Gone.

You can't do that. You're vanilla, Karl.

Well, the new Karl is mint choc chip.

See anything you like?

No, I've changed my mind.

Completely gone off her. So, I'm just going to go.

Oh... Okay.

Are you sure?

You absolutely sure you want to leave?

Yippity yip yip yip. Goodbye.

Oh. Goodbye.

[bell rings]

-What have you done? -I don't like mint choc chip Karl.

[swing music]

[music ends abruptly]

[Spanish guitar]

[Raul in Spanish] From the moment we met,

I knew you were special.

[Paul] From the moment we met, I knew you were special.

[in Spanish] Yes, there've been other women.

Yes, there've been many other women.

[in Spanish] But none as bendy as you.

But none as bendy as you.

[in Spanish] Fate has brought us together.

[Paul] Fate has brought us together.

[in Spanish] Beautiful Trishy.

[Paul] Beautiful Trishy.

[in Spanish] Will you marry me?

Will you marry me?

What?

[gasps] I don't know what to say.

[in Spanish] I don't know what to say.

-[in Spanish] Say yes. -Say yes.

-No. -No?

-No. -No.

-No? -No.

Oh, Raul...

you are a wonderful, wonderful Spaniard,

but while you are devoted to your plump, tasty grapes,

and I am devoted to my jobless, it can never work.

[Paul] Sorry, hombre, it's finito.

[in Spanish] The image of your beautiful, naked body

will be imprinted on my mind forever.

The image of your beautiful, naked body will be imprinted on his mind forever.

[in Spanish] Do you have a photograph?

No.

Just asking if he wants a lift to the airport.

Thanks, Paul.

[door squeaks open]

Karl, what is so urgent that you've dragged me in here?

This.

Oh my God.

I stole it. I need you to help me put it back.

I thought you were going to ask me to marry you.

Oh... Would you have?

Not now you're going to prison. What did you steal a ring for?

Well, I was trying to be less predictable, but I ended up surprising myself.

This is why you shouldn't try and be interesting, Karl, things go wrong.

Do you think if I hand myself in, they might give me a slap on the wrist?

Or a lengthy custodial sentence.

Oh God, this is not my world.

[eerie techno music]

What do you want?

This is embarrassing. Um...

Basically...

I wanted to do something I've never done before...

[Natalie] And we thought you might have... experience.

[Karl] But you can't tell anyone, it has to be our little secret.

-Why me? -You just look the type.

-And you don't think it'll be weird? -No, just tell us what to do.

Alright, kinky. Let's decide on a safe word.

What?

-Are you asking me to do a threesome? -[Karl and Natalie] No!

Why have you dragged me into a toilet, then?

-I've got a "hot" ring. -I draw the line at bum love.

I stole a ring.

And you thought I'd know about handling stolen goods?

-Yes. -So judgemental.

-Well, do you? -Of course I do.

Will you help us?

Only because you wouldn't last five minutes in jail.

-Not with an arse like that. -She's right.

So, we're not gonna do this, then?

No. Well...

-No. -No.

[techno music]

Can I help you?

We'd quite like to look at some engagement rings, please.

We're getting married. She's my everything.

-Oh, congratulations. -I turned her.

-Beg your pardon? -To girls. Didn't I babe?

Yeah. I love her.

Give us a snog then.

-Here? -Yeah, pucker up buttercup.

[kissing loudly]

Ah! That's lovely.

-[Natalie] Okay, let's get this done. -Can I have a look at them?

Yes, these are 24 carat.

[Bryony] Is that 24 carats?

-[Donna] Yes. -[Bryony] And that?

-[Donna] Yes. -What about that one?

-[Donna] Yes, beautiful, aren't they? -[Bryony] They look plastic.

Have you got any rolled gold?

[loud crash]

-[alarm rings] -Leg it, Karl!

-I can't run in these shoes! -[stutters] What happened?

We kissed and then it went tits!

-[Karl stutters] What? Where's the ring? -[Natalie] In my pocket!

Oh! Good morning!

Morning. I've made a cake.

Oh, Maggie, thank you so much.

Is that a mini sugar-work Trish?

Oh, no. That's a Maggie. That's you.

Oh. We both look the same!

Well, we are the same. We both happily sacrifice everything for this job centre.

-For these. -[Trish] Beg your pardon?

The jobless, I've always thought of them as my children.

I've swaddled them, nurtured them...

and let them suckle at the teat of my benefits.

[Maggie exhales]

Do you mind if I just pop into your office and use your computer?

Of course not, as long as you're not looking at teats!

[Trish giggles]

[eerie techno music]

What are you doing here?

I've been digging around on the system.

Well, you're no longer an employee, so that is illegal.

So is drawing your dead mother's pension.

I've already told you, my mother is not dead.

Yes. Sandra Bromford, died on the third of September 1998.

Since then,

someone has drawn over 80,000 pounds of pension in her name.

-You've got the wrong Sandra Bromford. -I'm a keen genealogist, Angela.

I can trace my family right back to the Vikings. I don't make mistakes.

-What do you want? -I'm sorry?

-Money? How much? -I don't want your money.

I just want you to do the right thing.

-I'm going to write down a figure. -Oh, for goodness' sake.

I'm telling you that this is not about--

-Is that a one? -No, it's a seven.

-Bloody hell! -Do we have a deal?

No. You are a benefit cheat, Angela. And if you don't tell Trish, then I will.

You can't.

-You have illegally accessed the system. -It's not illegal. I am the manager.

Ex-manager, and no one listened to you when you worked here.

-So, no one's going to listen to you now. -[gasps] How can you say that?

I treated you like a daughter.

Your days of working in this job centre are over.

[pill bottles rattle]

-What's the matter with your face? -[gasps] It's my heart...

I need my pills.

-[Maggie gasping] -[eerie techno music]

[breathless] Thank you.

[Maggie gasping]

You alright, Maggie? [murmurs]

You tired? It has been a busy week.

-[head thuds] -[Trish screams]

-[crisps crunch loudly] -[electronic music]

I know it's not a good time, but Raul's in the waiting area.

He's just stopped off on his way to the airport.

Paul, I'm about to perform a very moving eulogy.

-He just needs to say goodbye. -So do I.

Here lies a great woman, whose name will live on.

Maggie...

-Higgins. -...Higgins, Maggie Higgins loved, lived,

and breathed Brownall Jobcentre as much as me right to the very end.

She's left a mark behind.

Well, she has. I mean, she built this place--

No, I mean literally, Trish.

She's left a mark on your chair.

Something must have... leaked out when she died.

[Trish exhales sharply]

Well, maybe she just loved this job too darn much,

and that's what killed her in the end.

That, and her angina.

Maggie Higgins, I hope one day...

I can be the manager you are... were.

Oh God, it's too late, I already am her.

Do you want me to tell Raul to do one?

-Raul... -[sad guitar music]

[in Spanish] Destiny.

What are you doing here? We told you to lay low for a bit.

I have, I've been in bed all morning.

-Been shopping? -Yeah. So?

-What's that for? -Your cut.

I flogged the ring to some Mexican in the pub.

-[door opens] -We are never seeing that again.

Raul!

Trishy!

Oh God.

[Bryony] That's him, that's the Mexican.

Oh no, Bryony, tell me you're joking.

I think I'm going to have another panic attack.

[Trish gasps with delight]

What a beautiful ring. That must have cost you a fortune!

To heck with it, I don't want to die alone at my desk.

I want the rest of my life to be filled with Mediterranean adventures.

-Yes, Raul, yes, I will marry you! -[in Spanish] Yes?

Oh, Trish, congratulations!

[kissing loudly]

-This deserves a celebration. -Abso-flippin-lutely. Go and get the cava!

Oh! I love it, I love it, I love it! Isn't it just super?

-It's all right. -[Trish] I've never been so happy.

Oh Angela, stay and have a glass of cava.

I'm getting married.

No, I'm going home... to mother.

-[bass techno music] -[police car radio]

We've been fingered.

Wonder what they want.

Officers, I know what you're thinking,

"They shouldn't be celebrating while the body's probably still warm."

-Body? -[Trish] Yes, yes.

[breathless] And you may well be right, but I'm just so excited.

I'm getting married. Look.

Congratulations.

We're actually hoping to talk to your staff about a robbery...

[Trish] What are you talking about?

...of an engagement ring.

This ring isn't stolen?

[Karl] Um...

Yeah, actually... it is.

I stole it.

And I helped.

And I tried to put it back by pretending to be a lesbian.

[Bryony] And I sold it to that Mexican.

[Ash] Oh my God, I'm a common criminal.

[Karl] I don't want to go to jail.

Cava?

["Work" playing]