Original subtitles

["Work" playing]

[Nigel] Okay, can we welcome to his first regional management meeting, Greg Holder.

Hello.

-Greg's taking over the Nechells' branch. -For my sins, yeah.

[everybody laughs]

Perhaps I killed in a former life.

[Trish giggles]

[Trish] Oh. That's very funny. [quietly] Is he wearing a wedding ring?

-[Natalie] Oh, I'll have a look. -[Nigel] Actually, Greg,

you should swap numbers with Trish.

I'm twinning job centres. Brownall and Nechells are going to be "sisters".

[everybody laughs]

Well, I've always wanted a sister.

Hey, could I borrow your jeggings, sis? I've got a hot date.

[Trish] No you cannot! I lent you my ra-ra skirt last weekend

and it came back absolutely covered in stains!

-[Greg and Trish laugh] -[Greg] That's good.

-[quietly] Well? -I can't see, he keeps moving his hands.

Okay, phones off and on the table, everyone, please. Margaret, the blinds.

So, I don't need to remind you that what happens in the room, stays in the room.

-Did you see it? -It's too dark.

[Nigel] Now we all know job centres do not have leader boards

for getting people off benefits, but the job centre

at the top of the leader board for getting people off benefits is...

-Brownall! -Oh.

Oh. Buggeration.

["Work" playing]

[Trish] So, sister from another mister,

-how are you settling in? -[Greg] Good. Good, yeah.

Just could do with some sisterly advice. Hope you don't mind me popping in.

Oh no, pop away! Happy to be popped into.

Great!

[Trish] I am available and open to you twenty-four seven.

Married to the job, not to a person. Well, not anymore.

Are you attached?

Me? Uh, no. No.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E? As the song goes. [nervous laugh]

Uh, no. D-E-A-D.

C-A-N-C-E-R?

Uh... C-A-R...

A-C-C-I... car accident.

-Oh. -[Greg] Yeah.

So, Trish, your figures

for getting customers off benefits are absolutely increds.

Oh! Thank you.

[Greg] And there's little old me,

languishing at the bottom of the league table.

It is pretty obvious that I'm the trampy step-sister in this family.

Yes you are, staying out all night drinking cider,

getting fingered by Dwayne on his moped.

You'll be pregnant in a year, missy. [giggles]

Or dead.

But, um, no seriously, Greg, it's not all about stats,

I hate all this league table stuff.

What is that tune you're playing, because it's music to my ears.

Our work should be about the people.

You know, I think... no, heck no, I passionately believe,

that the happier people are, the more motivated they'll become.

That is exactly what I passionately believe, too.

If job seekers were happier and less stressed...

...they'd stand a better chance of finding a job...

...because job centres would de-stressify them.

-De-stressify. -Yes.

God, that's good, I'm going to write that down.

"De-stressify."

You know, gosh Trish, I wonder if... No, it's crazy.

Oh no, no, no, no. Greg, go on, I love crazy.

Alrighty then. I wonder if you and I...

could made Brownall and Nechells into relaxed, job seeker-focused...

motivation hubs?

[exhales heavily]

Oh Greg, that is absolutely not crazy and I still love it.

-Really? -Really.

But I've got an Angela.

-Yeah, I know the one. -She's very efficient,

she gets three times more people off benefits than anyone else.

But she's what a lesser person would call a sour-faced bitch.

She'll totally pooh-pooh our plans.

Well, you could get her out of your hair for a bit?

You know, send her off to do some peer-to-peer training.

Like palm her off on other job centres?

By the time she gets back...

[together] it'll be a brand new Brownall.

-[together] Jinx! -Oh my God.

[together] Jinx again!

You see...

Karl...

-[Karl] I don't want you to go. -[Natalie] What, and I do?

Trish is making me go on a road trip with Angela.

You never know, you might bond, like... Thelma and Louise.

They killed themselves.

[Angela] Bagsy the front.

Look, aren't these fab?

The printers have done such a great job. Thanks for going, Natalie.

Yeah, she's really looking forward to it.

-Yeah. -Now, you've got a very busy schedule,

it would appear London can't wait to meet Angela.

[Trish] Bon voyage.

Enjoy London, Angela.

I won't. I find Londoners cold and rude.

[Trish] So, quick huddle, Team Brownall.

Okay. This is Greg Holder, manager of Nechells branch.

Hi, guys.

And we are starting a revolution.

[Trish] Would you...? With this...

as our weapon.

A box?

It's a customer feedback box, Karl.

This is the beginning of a new Brownall.

We are going to de-stressify job seekers...

Love that word.

...by not putting any pressure on them to find work.

[Greg] They will then write comments about you guys...

-The "de-stressify-ists". -Yeah.

...on these feedback forms. Now, think of them like... like mini reviews.

[Trish] And then... deposit them... in here.

Keep them happy, happy, happy so they write positive things,

and prove that "de-stressification" is the way forward.

Unless they haven't looked for work?

Even if they haven't looked for work.

We're forgetting all about figures, and targets and league tables.

-[Greg] Yeah. -Trish, we won't have anything to do.

And I think that it is an amazing idea.

[Greg] Looking for a job is a bit like...

looking for love.

It's only when you stop searching that the perfect one just...

well, it falls right into your lap.

[stutters] Greg's right,

relaxed job seekers will find their own way to work.

Genius, the job seekers will be "de-stressed" not "distressed".

[giggles] De-stressed not distressed, I love that.

-I feel completely de-stressificated. -[door opens]

-[Paul] Where do you want these, Trish? -[Trish] Oh, waiting area.

First part of the plan. Relaxing beanbags instead of uncomfortable chairs.

[Janette] I can't see where I'm going.

That's because you're the size of a Borrower.

[upbeat rock music]

Do you think nine's enough?

You're not nervous, are you Angela?

No. But I'm not doing it.

-Why not? -I haven't had enough time to prepare.

-You are nervous. -I'm not.

If a job seeker told you they didn't go to an interview,

because they didn't have enough time to prepare, would you let them off?

-Absolutely not. -Why?

-Because it's an excuse. -Exactly...

and Angela Bromford does not accept excuses.

Never, ever pretend to be me.

So, if you're not nervous and you don't accept lack of preparation as an excuse,

I should let the audience in.

-Wait! -Angela, they're waiting.

Tell me I'm special.

What?

I need to feel special.

Oh, you are special, Angela.

You are very... very special.

Okay.

Hello Brentford.

[chimes]

[beanbag squishing]

-[man grunting] -[zen flute music]

-[Trish] Mmm. You look relaxed. -[job seeker panting]

Sticky yum yum?

Oh, I shouldn't.

[Trish] Just catch your breath and fill out a customer feedback form.

Don't be afraid to use the word "de-stressified". Okay?

[Karl inhales deeply]

[Karl sighs]

[applause]

-I think that went well. -Well? I smashed it.

-Don't know about "smashed it". -Did you not hear that applause?

My people love me.

Are you not going to stay and help me pack up?

I'm the talent.

[thud]

Are you wearing perfume?

French mint and jasmine blossom.

It's Natalie's.

I miss her smell.

Oh, man up, Karl. She's only been gone five minutes.

I can understand you wearing her knickers, but her perfume?

That's just weird.

-[beeping] -[Trish] What are you talking about?

What paper jam?

There's no paper there to be jammed, you idiot.

If you were a person, I would kill you in your sleep.

[banging and beeping]

-Bad time? -Oh. [nervous laugh]

Greg. Hi. No, no. I'm fine.

I, oh... I bought your, um, job seekers a gift.

Oh...

The gift of de-stressification. [giggles]

Shall I...?

Oh, uh, yeah, yes that's fine.

[tensely inhales] Oh.

Oh. [exhales heavily]

[Greg clears throat]

How's that?

Sensual?

Yeah. Yeah, no, actually, yeah, it's fine. It's lovely, really relaxing, thanks.

You know, um, my late wife, Lorna, she, uh, loved these.

-Did she? -Yeah. Yeah. She used to lie in my lap

-and I'd-- -I didn't know your wife Lorna,

but I imagine that she would want you to be happy now...

and move on.

Not forget all about her, but maybe find a new love.

Do you want to do me now?

Sorry?

Oh, yeah, yeah of course. Yeah.

-I'm ready. -Okay, um...

-So, we'll just start with a few details. -Okay, sure that's fine, fire away.

-Okay? Can I have your first name please? -Eoghan.

-On? -No, it's Eoghan.

Orn? Sorry, could you spell that for me, please?

-E. -A?

-No, E. -E, right, yeah, sorry. E.

O... G.

-J? -No, G, like "George".

-Judge? -No, "George", like George Best.

-George Best? -Aye.

-I. -No... come here.

E-O-G-H-A-N. Eoghan.

Oh, right.

Okay, sorry, that, that's my fault.

-And, uh, can I take your surname? -McGeoghegan.

-What? -Everything all right?

Uh, yeah. I'm just, I'm having some, uh,

communication difficulties with this gentleman.

For God's sake, I'm speaking English.

Oh, I see what the problem is here. He is so drunk!

-No, no, Ash-- -No, trust me Karl,

I've done the module on this.

We can't help you until you want to help yourself. Okay?

So, I'm going to give you the number for an alcoholics support group.

Yous pair are a disgrace. This is not the end of this.

God, you could really smell it on him, couldn't you?

Oh, no. No, I think that's Natalie's perfume.

And he's not drunk Ash, he's just Irish, with a very strong accent.

Oh my God, I've just been horribly racist.

I'll have your feckin' jobs for this.

[funky electronic music]

[Angela vocalizing]

Mummy made me mash my mini muffins.

-Mummy made me mash my-- -Oh, for God's sake, Angela,

you must be warmed up by now.

Never interrupt me when I'm in the zone.

[funky techno music]

Drink.

[knock on the door]

[Colin] Morning, Mrs. Bromford. I'm sorry, they only had plain flavour crisps.

Ask him if he got my rider?

Mrs. Bromford says did you get her rider?

Yes, but these were all I could find.

[bag crunches]

Get me a cheese and onion grab bag, or I walk.

[crunching]

[heavy breathing]

We're finished. We're absolutely finished.

Uh-huh. He was proper angry.

And insulted and humiliated and the victim of a racist attack.

-What are we going to do? -We need to get that complaint back.

[Ash] I could lose my job over this.

I'm still on my three month probation period, Karl. I--

Alright. Well, look, we'll just get the form back. Just calm down.

I can't, it's too late. My panic disorder's kicking in.

I'm nauseous, my heartbeat's erratic, I'm absolutely dripping with sweat.

What can I do?

I need to breathe, help me relax. I need to imagine I'm on a beach. This...

-[Ash exhales heavily] -Alright. Uh...

You are... You are on a beach.

-Um, it's a beautiful, sandy beach. -No, I don't like sand.

Okay, uh, it's a beautiful stony beach.

Uh, the waves are gently lapping at your feet.

-It's too cold, Karl. -No, no, no, it's nice.

-Are there jellyfish? -No, no jellyfish.

-The tide's coming in. -No, Ash, it's miles out.

No, no, no, no. It's definitely coming in. I'm cut off!

I can't swim. I'm going under.

I'm drowning, Karl.

[hyperventilates] Call the coastguard, call the coastguard.

[printer banging]

[beeping]

Oh. No, no, no, not now. Tomorrow's the big day.

Stop telling me there's a paper jam when you ruddy well know there isn't.

[glass breaking]

-[suspenseful music] -[beeping]

[Trish] Shhh!

Come on Trish, be brave, stay calm, blend with the shadows.

-[clang] -[intruder groans]

Not tonight, thank you. This job centre's closed.

[Ash] Wait, wait! Trish, it's us.

-What? -[Ash] It's us!

[Karl panting]

[Karl mumbles]

Oh, bearded Jesus! Karl! I'm so sorry. I've brain damaged him.

I've destroyed his beautiful mind.

[Karl grunts]

Hang on, what are you doing here?

We're having an affair.

No, we're not. Ash, just tell her the truth.

We were racist to a man, he put a complaint in the feedback box.

-We're just trying to get it back. -Please don't sack me.

Well, we're going to have to get it back out.

[box rattling]

Right, let's find this complaint, shall we?

"The new beanbags are so comfy,

I fell asleep and missed my signing-on time.

The advisor didn't even care! Brilliant!" Oh good God.

[Ash] "Love not being pressured to get a job.

I'm going to stay unemployed forever."

"The psychologist kept looking down my top."

Oh, I'll take that.

No, no, no! They're missing the point.

The job seekers are meant to be happy and de-stressed so they want to get a job.

Yeah, none of them are saying that.

Well, I can't let Greg see these! We need to get rid of these forms. Um...

No, we could say there's been a break-in.

Well, there was a break-in. We broke in.

[Trish] Yeah. When Greg comes in tomorrow, we'll say that the forms

were stolen in a robbery.

Good idea, great idea.

It needs to look realistic.

Well, intruders don't just take stuff, they destroy stuff. It's what they do.

Yeah, they'd kick over that welcome desk for a start.

Oh! [laughs crazily]

[yells] That felt amazing!

[stifled reaction] Come on...

[panting] let's trash this mother!

[intense rock music]

I have made a mess.

-[beeping] -How do you like that? Huh?

You still got a paper jam? Oh, you have?

Oh, let me help you with that.

[Karl] You know what, actually, we could have just written new feedback forms.

Oh, yeah.

[Trish] Yes. That, uh... that would have been the better option.

[Paul] Trish, have you seen this?

Oh no, uh, we must have been broken into.

[Janette] The dirty scumbags.

Um, shall I fetch you the hoover?

We need this cleared up before the managers' meeting.

Oh no, we must have been broken into.

-I'll call the police. -We don't need to call the police, Paul.

It's only a ruddy photocopier and some beanbag balls.

[Karl] Oh no, we must have been broken into.

What's happened to you?

Huh? Oh, I walked into a door.

-What the hell...? -We've been broken into.

The little bastards.

Come on, Natalie, we've got a very important managers' meeting to set up.

Follow me, please.

-I'm so glad you're back. -Oh! What happened to your face?

[Karl grunts]

Are you wearing my perfume?

And your knickers.

[Natalie laughs]

How was London, Angela?

There is a human poo under my desk.

[mellow synth beat]

It's what they do.

[Nigel] So, we come once again

to our off-flow league table that absolutely does not exist.

Phones on the table, Margaret, the blinds...

Actually, Nigel, I'd like to, um, say a few words.

-Can't it wait? -[Trish] No, Nigel, this can't wait.

Every second that goes by, a job seeker loses hope.

Imagine that.

Every time I click my fingers, one of our job seekers just loses hope.

Poof!

But what if it didn't have to be like that?

-What if there was another way? A New Way. -Trish, we don't have time for this.

To get a job, you need to be happy and confident,

but we're not going to inspire confidence in our job seekers

by treating them like cattle.

Natalie, hand out the manifesto, please.

This is the New Way.

The way of de-stressification: hot drinks for everyone, soothing music.

-[Tina] Comfy seating. -Yes!

Greg and I have beanbags instead of chairs.

No, he hasn't.

No.

I've taken all the seats out of my centre.

So the job seekers have to stand, keeps them on their toes.

[Nigel] And he keeps the doors open, it's freezing.

Nobody likes being in my job centre...

which is exactly how it should be.

It's all about numbers, Trish, and yours have nose-dived.

Whereas Greg's hardcore approach means he's got the top spot

in his first month in post. Great work, Greg.

Thank you.

[Nigel] You've gone from top to bottom, Trish, what happened?

Um...

Sorry, Nigel...

I was briefly radicalised.

[clicking]

[Greg] Every time I click my fingers,

another job centre plummets down the league table.

You, sir, are a massive shit.

Aw, don't be like that... "sis".

You wanted Angela out of the way so my numbers would drop.

Correct.

Can't believe you fell for it. You were easy to get onboard.

I had to have sex with Denise from Kingstanding.

Are we going to get our "de-stressify" tattoos finished, Greg?

Jog on Tina, it's not even a word.

You played us like cheap fiddles.

My very own lady orchestra.

I'd still be happy to pluck your strings though, Trish.

No, Greg, you groomed me and that is not attractive. Leave, please.

[Trish sighs]

[Trish] Can we go for drinks? I need to get ginned.

[Karl] Actually, Trish, I just want to go home.

I feel like my head has been hit with a bin.

Well, a drink might help.

Actually, Trish, we haven't seen each other in a week.

Fine, fine, it's fine. Go home and do intercourse.

I've got nine luxury beanbags to return, anyway.

-Can I have another yum yum? -No, you cannot! Get a job.

["Work" playing]