Original subtitles

[mellow electronic music]

[Natalie] Hi Karl. Only me.

Karl?

Oh my God!

Can you hear me? Karl, wake up!

[Karl groans]

Sorry, this is weird.

[Karl] Hmm? No, no it was good.

This is your sexual fantasy? You look dead.

But I'm not, though, I'm concussed. When mouth to mouth doesn't work,

you revive me the only way you can think of.

By sitting on your face?

-Uh-huh. -You know a doctor wouldn't do that?

But you're not a doctor, you're a member of the public.

A member of the public wouldn't do it either.

Look, I find amateur first aid sexy.

[sighs] This is ridiculous!

Look, Natalie, you offered, if you don't want to do it--

No, no. Okay, sorry, sorry. So, you wake up, and...

And then, to thank you for saving my life, I have sex with you.

[Karl grunts]

Okay. Can we just change it so that I'm not straddling a corpse?

Fine. I'll think of something else. Give me a minute.

[Karl groans]

[bangs and thuds]

[Karl groans] Ah... help, help! Come quick.

Oh, thank God!

I slipped and I somehow managed to trap my wang in a drawer.

Quick, get the margarine.

["Work" playing]

[techno music]

[Natalie] Yeah.

[Angela] I'm doing a fire drill.

[Trish] Angela, we haven't got time to do a fire drill. We're very busy.

Have you got time to burn to death?

-Why don't we do a mock fire drill? -That's what a fire drill is.

No, but a mock of the mock.

-What? Like a mock-mock? -[Natalie] Yeah, a mock-mock.

We'll run through it quickly in here, and then no one needs to go outside.

I love that, Natalie.

Okay everyone, uh, quick staff huddle, please.

We're going to do a run-through of what to do in a fire drill.

[Karl groans]

-But it's drizzling. -We're not going outside.

-We're going to pretend. -Let's set the scene with a bit of improv.

Okay, Paul and Janette, imagine you're near the doors.

Everyone else, you're at your desks.

[Ash] Technically, Trish, I don't use a desk.

[Karl] Mmm. We could imagine Ash is talking to me.

[Ash] That could work. I sometimes stand at Karl's desk and talk to him.

Perfect. So, you're all working away, it's just a normal afternoon.

[Paul] What time? If it's between three and four,

there's a good chance I'll be on the toilet.

[Trish] Okay, it's 11 in the morning.

That's when Janette goes.

Right, no one's on the toilet,

-everyone's at their stations. -Apart from--

[Trish] Apart from Ash, who's talking to Karl.

Okay? And then, suddenly, the fire alarm goes off. Natalie?

[mimicking a fire alarm]

[Ash] Sorry Trish, um, actually loud noises give me nose bleeds.

Fine. Natalie, make the sound of a fire alarm,

but do it quietly so Ash doesn't haemorrhage.

-[softly] Whoo... -[Trish] Paul and Janette,

you pretend to get the job seekers out at the front.

And then we all go out the back to the fire assembly point.

-Where's that? -It's in the car park.

Yes, but for argument's sake, let's say it's this hole punch here.

Okay everyone, evacuate to the hole punch please.

Stop now, Natalie, you're giving me tinnitus.

-[Natalie stops] -Now we're outside.

Angela blows her whistle to get everyone's attention.

[Trish] Don't bother, Angela, we know what a whistle sounds like.

[Natalie] Then Angela does a roll call to make sure everyone's here.

[Trish] Don't bother Angela, we know everyone's here.

This is a farce.

Everyone still alive?

Good. Great work, Team Brownall.

Okay, Natalie... we could... yeah.

[fire alarm rings]

Oh, for frig's sake. Angela!

Come on, everyone, through the kitchen and into the carpark.

Let's just get this over and done with.

Karl, the centre's going to be empty for ten minutes, maybe we could...

Catch up on some photocopying?

I'm joking. You want to have sex at work?

Yes. It's the last one on my list. Come on!

What?

[smoke detector beeping]

Mike and the Mechanics!

[Paul] The bloody sink's on fire.

Put it out, the whole place will go up!

Stand back everybody, I've got this.

Wait. Is that the right kind of fire extinguisher?

Depends what's burning.

-It's Trish's scarf. -How did that happen?

This has got water, can I use that?

No! You can't put water on a burning pashmina.

It'll take your face off.

Calm down Janette, you're thinking of a chip pan.

Well, that's never happened to me before.

[Karl] Ah! What? So, your fantasy is to have sex in Trish's office?

The boss's office.

-[Karl groans] -Come on, we've done your fantasy.

-No, we haven't. -All right, we tried, but we couldn't,

because it was about as sexy as going to the dentist.

Alright. Well, so what happens in your sexual fantasy, then?

Well... you're the boss,

-[Karl grunts] -and I've been late three times

-[Karl clicks tongue] -and I need to be reprimanded.

Yeah? What do you want? A verbal warning?

-No... -Hmm?

I want you to spank me on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.

Nah, I'm not feeling it.

Are you serious?

Yeah. No, I'm not up for it. It's just... ridiculous.

Don't be childish.

I just think sex in the manager's office is... weird.

This coming from the man who probably knocks one out over Holby City.

I told you, I like amateur first aid.

I'm sorry, St. John's Ambulance. Either way, it's not normal.

And what? What? And this is? Is it getting jiggy with it on Trish's filo-fax?

It's more normal than having sex with someone who's in a coma.

Yeah? Well, I do that every night anyway.

Yeah? Well, you won't be doing it tonight.

Yeah? Well... good!

-Good. -Good. Whoa. That's... that was abuse.

-[Paul] I need some kind of fire blanket! -Smother it with this!

[all sigh in relief]

[all gasp]

Bloody hell Trish! That's not fire retarded!

-[Ash] She means retardant. -You're meant to dampen it first!

With what? I can't get to the taps, can I? There's a fire in the way!

I don't know, milk?

-Milk? -Not milk. Milk burns.

-Alright, yoghurt! -You're thinking of thrush.

We need to evacuate.

No way! If my centre's going down, I'm going down with her.

I'm calling the fire brigade.

-[bang] -[Ash groans]

-What's going on? -There's a shitting fire in the sink!

-Well, put it out then. -No!

-[alarm stops] -What have you done?

We were... we were dealing with an emergency situation,

and, and your anorak was deployed in a crucial role to tackle the blaze.

-That was my new coat. -[coughing]

Angela, what are you doing in a cupboard?

-Proving you don't know what you're doing. -By hiding in a cupboard?

I'm a confused member of the public.

Didn't you hear the alarm?

I'm deaf and confused. And now I'm dead.

[mellow electronic music]

You were disrespecting my authority as fire warden.

How did the fire start, Angela?

-The fire was a result of poor training-- -[Natalie] No, literally,

how did Trish's scarf set fire to itself in the staff room?

Polyester. Highly flammable.

It's actually twenty percent silk. It's Jaeger.

Doesn't matter.

[Natalie] So, Trish's scarf just floated off the coat stand

and spontaneously combusted in the sink?

Are you accusing me of arson?

-No. -Yes.

That's slander.

Okay Angela, what do you want?

Proper fire drills.

Fine, fine, we'll do proper drills.

And a deputy fire warden who answers only to me.

Alright, you can have Janette.

And 1,000 pound budget for new fire safety equipment.

Come on, Angela, you're being ridiculous.

If you don't take our safety seriously, I will call a strike.

Whoa there, horsey! There's no need to be hasty.

No one wants a strike.

Then give me 1,000 pounds for new fire safety equipment.

[Natalie] You'll find Trish and I are tough cookies, Angela,

and we're not just gonna roll over the moment someone threatens a strike.

[Natalie] Karl is modelling this season's most advanced in fire safety equipment.

-[Karl, muffled] Can I take this off now? -Sorry, I can't understand you.

-Can I take this off now? -No.

-I can't breathe. -Good.

Sorry, I can't wear that mask, I get claustrophobic.

Seriously, I once had a panic attack in a pair of swimming goggles.

Right. Now, obviously, all this equipment didn't come cheap.

So, we will have to make some cutbacks.

Unfortunately the centre's monthly donation to the local hospice

has had to be cancelled.

Can't be helped.

[Natalie] It also means we won't have a staff Christmas party.

[Paul and Janette] What?

[Karl] You can't cancel--

You can't... you can't cancel the Christmas party.

That's the best thing about working here.

[Trish] We'll have a party in the staff room.

I'll bring in some mince pies.

[Paul] No way, we have a full festive buffet and disco, it's tradition.

Angela, seeing as you're fire warden,

can you explain to everyone why this equipment is more important

than a Christmas Party?

No. Christmas is the most magical time of the year.

-Oh, for crying out loud. -You see.

This is another example of management not taking us seriously.

Karl, as a grown-up, I'm sure you can see that health and safety

is far more important than a staff Christmas party.

[staff scoff]

-[Karl] What do we want? -[staff] A Christmas party.

-[Karl] When do we want it? -December.

-What do we want? -A Christmas party.

-When do we want it? -December.

Tell you what, Natalie, why don't you let me negotiate from now on.

-[Karl] What do we want? -[staff] A Christmas party.

-When do we want it? -December.

["Work" playing]

Karl, stop being a tit.

I know you're doing this because I said your sexual fantasy was ridiculous.

-Which it is. -No, not true.

I'm doing this because having a staff Christmas party

-is a fundamental human right. -I'm pretty sure it's not.

Yeah, I'm doing this because I want to wear

a novelty jumper and a little paper hat.

-[Janette] Yeah! -[Karl] I want to pull crackers

and share shit jokes with my co-workers.

-[staff] Yes! -Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm doing this because I don't want fire blankets.

-No. I want pigs in blankets. -[staff] Yes!

[Karl] Yeah, yeah. I'm doing this because if management won't let us

have our turkey and stuffing, then stuff them.

-[staff] Yeah! -[Janette] Stuff them!

-[Paul] That's right, Karl. -[staff] Yeah!

[Ash] I am angry! And I do not eat meat or celebrate Christmas.

-What do we want? -[staff] A Christmas party!

-When do we want it? -December!

-What do we want? -[staff] A Christmas party!

Okay, unfortunately, due to industrial action,

we are experiencing some delays.

-[staff yells outside] -So, um, please bear with us, okay?

Why is Karl being so unreasonable? Has something happened between you two?

-Have you had a lovers' tiff? -It's nothing.

-Romantic spat? -I don't want to talk.

-Erotic feud? -Trish.

What the merry frig are we going to do, then?

Well... we'll have to sign everyone on.

Oh, I suppose you're right. Come on, Trish, back to the coal face.

-[Karl] What do we want? -[staff] A Christmas party!

-[Karl] When do we want it? -[staff] December!

What have you done to find work in the last two weeks?

-[John] Excuse me. -Love it, hold that thought.

[Trish] Follow the instructions. Fill it in.

-[John] Excuse me. I think-- -Be right with you.

Got to deal with something else. I'll be right back.

-Can I just have a second-- -Okay, just a sec. Uh, yes, yes.

-Listen, I need to have a chat-- -Hang on.

[John] No! No!

I won't let you two women keep palming me off.

Oh. Sounds rude.

Sorry. Okay. No, I know a lot of you have been waiting a long time.

So, new plan, we're going to sign you all on together, okay?

Great! Now, who remembers how to do the hokey cokey?

[electronic music]

[Paul] It is five and twenty past the hour and I have a king's thirst.

[Paul] Who's for a flagon of ale?

Oh, this is fun. Thank you.

Isn't it just? Getting paid for hanging around doing nothing.

Don't you do that every day?

Cheek.

Anyway, we're not getting paid.

-What? -You don't get paid

-if you're on strike, Paul. -Bloody hell.

-[man] What are you lot striking about? -They cancelled our Christmas party.

Wankers.

I know. It's a disgrace.

He's talking about us, Janette.

[thunder]

[Karl] Oh.

Has anyone got a spare cagoule?

Perhaps we should go in.

What? And let them win?

Never. Do you want them to call you a quitter?

But it's about to rain and I'm terrified of thunderstorms.

We are not going anywhere.

[Ash] I don't want to be struck by lightening, Karl. Not again.

[Natalie] Okay, so...

-[phones ringing] -♪ Put your left leg in ♪

♪ If you've been looking for work In the last two weeks ♪

♪ And shake it all about ♪

♪ If you've managed to get an interview ♪

[Natalie] Good.

[multiple phones ringing]

[whispers] Natalie, I think this might be degrading.

No, it's fun.

-Are we still supposed to be shaking? -Um...

Let's give them the ruddy Christmas party

so they come back to work.

I know, I'll get another credit card, or something.

And let them win? Never.

We won't be held to ransom over a tray of sausage rolls

and a mobile disco.

We need to show them these ladies are not for turning.

♪ And turn around ♪

♪ If you're here to talk About Disability Living Allowance ♪

No? No-one for that one.

-[thunder] -[slow electronic music]

[staff mumbling]

[Jodie] Excuse me, I'm from the Evening News.

Can you tell me a about this strike?

[Karl] No, I'm not talking to the press about this.

That's a shame.

I thought you and I could go for a quiet drink and a chat.

On the other hand, I do quite like drinking and chatting...

You'd really be helping me out.

...and helping people out.

Shall we?

[knock on the door]

See, I told you, stand firm, and show them who's boss.

["Work" playing]

[inaudible speech]

Okay here's our offer.

We will send back four fire extinguishers, three fire blankets and a gas mask,

and you can have a mini disco, a pay-bar and a cold buffet.

No chance. A cold buffet basically means salad and dips.

Hummus makes me gag.

[Paul] At the very least, we want warm sausage rolls.

Preferably hot.

[inaudible speech]

You can have hot sausage rolls,

but we're losing the collapsible escape ladder.

[Angela] No, the escape ladder is crucial should we need to evacuate via a window.

-Which side are you on, Angela? -My own.

We're on the ground floor. We don't need a ladder to get out of the window.

-What about Janette? -Oh, good point.

Leave this with me, I'm going to use something called "reverse psychology".

-[inaudible speech] -[Ash clears his throat]

I tell you what, forget it, we don't even want a Christmas party, cancel it.

Oh. Fine, let's do that.

-[Trish and Natalie laugh] -[Trish] Okay.

Okay. That's backfired. I'm handing back over to you.

Alright, we'll keep the ladder,

I'll get my brother-in-law to do the disco, at cost,

but we want a hot buffet and a hundred quid behind the bar.

Fifty quid behind the bar.

Seventy five.

Deal.

Angela, happy with that?

No.

Well, tough tits.

Back to work everyone, please.

-What about Karl? -Where is Karl?

[slow pop music]

I think what you're doing is so brave.

You know, I think if you believe in something,

you got to stand up and fight for your right...

to have a Christmas party.

So, are you the rebel in the office?

Oh yeah, I'm always mucking about, me.

I'm a bit of a maverick. Well, in fact...

that's what they call me: Maverick.

Maverick? Really? Like in Top Gun?

Mm-hm. Yep. "Top Fun", more like.

[exhales heavily] I am such a card.

I bet you are. Tell me some of the stuff you get up to.

Uh, well...

sometimes we come to the pub after work and have, like...

three pints of quite strong lager and no tea.

Just crisps. [wheezing]

Okay.

-Anything else naughty? -[Karl] Um...

[stutters] Yeah. I had sex in the manager's office.

Really? With the manager?

Oh no, no.

The deputy manager, but it was on the manager's desk.

I, uh...

I spanked her on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.

-[laughs] That is naughty! -[Karl grunts]

Is she your girlfriend?

[scoffs] Nah, nothing serious.

-You need another drink. -[Karl grunts]

Listen, I've got a bottle of vodka at my flat.

Why don't you come back, and I'll...

get you out of those damp clothes.

[grumbles] No.

I can't. Sorry.

Thank you for the beer and the flirting, but...

I've just realised I've been a complete dickhead.

["Work" playing]

[phone dialling]

[Karl voice message] This is Karl. I can't--

Natalie!

-[thud] -[tires screech]

[Natalie] Shit!

Oh my God. Karl!

Are you alright? Karl? Wake up!

Are you alright? Karl?

Oh my God. Wake up!

This is the bit where you sit on my face.

-Oh, you twat. -Hmm. Correct.

I'm sorry for that stupid strike.

And for denting your Corsa.

It's alright.

Sorry I said your sexual fantasy was weird.

-Have you been drinking? -Uh-huh. Correct again.

I've had three pints of quite strong lager and no tea. Just crisps.

We should get you checked out at the hospital.

[Karl sighs] How many times? I like amateur first aid.

Alright, well come back to mine and I'll put you in a sling or something.

[Karl] Thank you, kind nurse.

Ooh. I also think I may have badly bruised my todger.

-Don't push it. -I don't think I can.

[upbeat pop music]

[radio] Good morning! It's a beautiful day in Birmingham,

but do avoid the Aston Expressway if you can,

as the traffic is at a standstill.

Angela, why are you still here? We reached an agreement.

You might have.

You never come to the Christmas party, anyway.

Scab.

[Paul] Here they are, the sex-mad staff of Brownall Job Centre.

I just hope you wiped everything down after.

What are you talking about?

[Trish] You had a drink with a journalist yesterday afternoon, Karl?

-[slow electronic music] -Huh? What? No...

She secretly filmed the whole thing.

[Karl] I had sex in the manager's office.

-[Jodie] With the manager? -No, no.

The deputy manager, but it was on the manager's desk.

I spanked her on the bottom with a shatterproof ruler.

-Karl! -Huh?

[Jodie] Is she your girlfriend?

[Karl scoffs] Nah. Nothing serious.

[Paul inhales sharply]

"Nothing serious"?

[stutters] I can explain...

-Can you? -No.

[Trish] Not only have the papers run a story about the strike,

they've also run a story about how the staff of Brownall Jobcentre

are more likely to be... "on the job, than finding you a job".

-It's all over the internet. -You're trendy on Twitter.

The comments are brilliant, though. "Filling holes, not roles."

[Paul] I'd have gone with "friends with benefits".

-"Blow job centre." -Alright, Janette.

[Trish] I mean, is it true? Did you have sex on my desk?

No, we definitely did not. Did we, Karl?

No.

[Trish] So why did you tell the journalist you did?

-I was showing off. -Why were you showing off?

Yeah, why?

-I thought she was-- -You thought she was what?

-Speak up. -Come on.

-Because I thought she was fit. -Because you thought she was fit.

[Trish] Head office have agreed not to sack you, but you must both attend

a week-long occupational therapy course which deals with...

[quietly] sexual addiction.

Which the centre has to pay for, which means we have to cancel

the Christmas party. Again. Well done Karl.

[all groan]

Oh, you have ruined my Christmas.

Think I'll just stand out here with you for a bit.

Excuse me. Can you help me cross the road, please?

Piss off.

[Angela] What do we want? Health and safety.

When do we want it? Now.

["Work" playing]