Original subtitles

[funky electric guitar]

[Trish] Can you move along please? You can't settle here.

Oh. Paul, thank God it's you.

[Paul] What, did you think them gypsies were back?

How many times, Paul?

They're called nomadic travellers. And yes, I did.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was going to pitch up next to the canal,

but it's 40 quid a night and full of doggers.

Why?

Because there's plenty of big bushes next to that tow path.

No, why are you in your caravan?

It's Yvette. She's kicked me out.

[sighs] What happened?

She's mad, because I finally told her sister what I think of her.

Do you not like her sister?

Oh no, quite the opposite.

[scoffs] Well, Paul, all I can say is you're lucky it's a Friday night.

I've got more cheap vino than you'd find

at a big, fat, nomadic traveller's wedding.

-[Trish giggles] -All aboard!

[Trish giggles] Toot, toot! Here I come.

["Work" playing]

[Trish and Paul laughing]

Do you know, the last time I was in a caravan,

I was 19 and I had to share a tiny pull out bed with my two best friends.

Now there's a mental image.

Seriously though, check this out.

[Paul] Look at that action.

Oh, that is impressive, Paul.

Memory foam.

Because you'll never forget a night spent on this bed.

-[knock on the door] -Who's that?

It could be Yvette.

Oh God. What if she thinks we were... I mean, not that we would...

-Hide! -[knock on the door]

[Paul] Hold on, won't be a moment.

[door clicks open]

Janette!

I thought you might be glad of a proper dinner, faggots and...

peas.

[unsettling music playing]

I know them shoes.

Patricia Collingwood!

Janette! Hiya!

We're just enjoying a completely innocent, friendly drink.

You didn't waste much time, did you?

You do not deserve my faggots.

[Janette] Fornicators!

[funky techno music]

[Trish sighs]

Karl, you need to take this staff appraisal seriously.

[Karl] I am taking it seriously.

Where it says, "Where do you want to be in five years' time",

you've drawn a picture of yourself at Warwick Castle.

[Karl] I've never been.

[Natalie] Well, we'll go for your birthday.

But right now, I'm your deputy manager,

not your girlfriend, and there is actually a serious issue we need to address today.

[Karl] Mm-hm.

On average, you're signing on over 80% of your job seekers.

That's the highest rate in the whole of the centre.

Yes! Get in! Ta-da!

Don't leave me hanging.

That's not a good thing, Karl. It's a bad thing.

[Karl sighs]

You need to start getting more job seekers off benefits, and soon.

I hate to say this, but you should take a look at Angela.

[exhales sharply] You hate Angela.

Yeah, I do, I really do.

But she is annoyingly effective.

-[Natalie] You need to toughen up. -I can toughen up.

Says the guy who cried watching Frozen.

I thought we were keeping this professional.

You just need to show me that you can, you know... man up.

Like when Princess Elsa mastered her ice powers and saved her kingdom?

No, Karl, you need to be strong, and forceful and direct.

You need to stop being so passive.

When I ask you if you want deep pan or thin crust,

don't just say you don't mind.

Well, I don't mind.

I want you to mind!

[yells] Okay. I hate thin crust!

[Natalie] That's it! That is the Karl I want you to be out there.

Now, go get them.

["Work" playing]

[Ash] Morning.

[Ash chuckles] Is this for charity or something? "Dress Like a Tramp Monday!"

My wife's kicked me out.

Oh, Paul, I am so sorry.

Where's your uniform?

Yvette won't let me back in the house to get it.

You can hardly blame her.

-Nothing was going on. -I've tried telling her.

I caught the pair of you "in Hughgrante".

It's in flagrante. Sorry, what are we talking about?

Janette, I don't know what you think you saw, but nothing happened.

I know what I saw.

You spread-eagled in your bra and knick-knicks.

Probably waiting for him to tie you up

and whip you with a retractable washing line.

-What? -It's etched on my memory, Trish.

[Trish] Janette, I didn't even know he had a retractable washing line.

Home-wrecker.

[female employee] Hello. Brownall Job Centre.

Angela, is that a food blender on your desk?

[Angela] It's not a food blender. It's a medical masticator.

[Trish] Well, it looks like a blender to me.

I assume you know the rules about food preparation at a work station?

And I assume you know the diversity guidelines:

"If you are disabled, your employer must provide

the reasonable adjustments needed".

[Trish] But you're not disabled, Angela.

[Angela] I've got chronic I.B.S. Masticating my food soothes my bowels.

I don't think I.B.S. counts as a disability.

[Angela] There you are. You've clearly never been caught in traffic

and forced to improvise with a tube of Pringles.

-[buzzing] -[inaudible speech]

[Kevin] Howdy partner.

[Karl] Howdy. Nice get-up.

Yeah, I do a bit of country and western singing in my spare time.

Oh... can I have a biscuit?

Um...

No. Sorry.

Right, sir, uh... have you been looking for work?

Well, you know what they say,

you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Mm-hm. So, have you?

No.

But I have been doing a whole load of singing, though.

Oh... Well, singing doesn't count.

Okay. I can get you an interview

at the main Poundland depot on Thursday afternoon.

[Kevin] Ah. No can do, I'm afraid, Kemosabe.

See, I've got to be in Tipton at four for a sound check.

It's a big event, called The Wild West Midlands.

-You're gonna have to miss it. -[Kevin] I can't do that.

It's my big chance. I'm supporting Johnny Cash-Back.

He's great, and if you don't like him, you get a refund.

Well, I can't accept hobbies as an excuse.

If it's getting in the way of seeking employment,

I have to be tough about it.

[Kevin] This is more than a hobby, this is my dream.

Okay, well, this isn't the X-Factor, mate.

Now, let's just get you a proper career, shall we?

As a pallet driver at Poundland.

Well, it looks like we've got ourselves a stand-off,

because I ain't going to no Poundland.

Well, let me put it this-a way...

If you refuse, I'm stopping your benefits.

[dramatic guitar chord]

Are you drawing a line in the sand?

[dramatic guitar chord]

Yeah, I am, actually.

I am drawing a line in the sand.

[Kevin] Right. You ain't seen the last of me.

-[dramatic guitar chord] -I'll be back tomorrow. High noon.

Oh, okay. Well, the first available appointment

isn't until ten past two. So, good luck with that.

-[wood flute] -[vibraslap]

Yeah. I hate thin crust. Whoo-hoo!

["Work" playing]

[inaudible speech]

-[Paul] Karl, you busy tonight? -Mmm?

-Yeah, I'm meant to be seeing Natalie. -Shame.

Us boys are heading out back for a few beers in the caravan.

You know what?

Actually I'm up for that. I can see Natalie any night.

-Great! -Come on!

Yeah, let's make it a proper lad's night, hey?

[Paul] Yeah. Beers, grub...

-Wrestling! -No wrestling.

-Yeah. [Karl] Let's have a game of poker. Huh?

-[clicks tongue] Yeah. -[Paul] Yeah. Yeah.

Poker? Brilliant, yeah. I've always wanted to give that a go.

Hang on... You've never played poker?

No, I'm absolutely useless with cards, but it always looks like so much fun.

-[Ash] You know? -[Paul] Right then.

We are definitely playing.

[Ash] Oh this is exciting. What should I bring?

[Karl] Just bring yourself, Ash. And, say, what, 80 quid in cash?

Come on Karl, it's his first time playing. It'll be easier for him

-if we round it up to a... hundred.

[Karl] A hundred, yeah. Of course. Yeah. Better be safe than sorry.

Great. You guys are the best.

Right, have you decided what we're doing tonight?

Uh, yeah. You can do what you like, I'm having a night with the boys.

-Really? -Yeah, we might even order

a deep pan pizza. In fact, we definitely will.

Karl, it was a staff review, get over it.

Oh come on. I wanted to go to the cinema and get a curry.

[Karl] No. I want to hang out with a recently separated, middle-aged man

and a shit therapist in a caravan in a car park.

[funky techno music]

I've got two pair.

[Karl] Two pair.

[Ash] House!

-It's not bingo. -Sorry, full house.

I guess that means I win again, right?

[Ash] Oh! I am having a great time!

I don't know how you do it.

Well, on that last hand, I could tell you were bluffing, because your eyes

went up to the top left and you touched your face.

And then I could tell Karl was bluffing, because he said,

[whispers] "Oh, for fuck's sake", when he looked at his cards.

This game is so much fun.

Back in a sec. [grunts]

Unbe-friggin-lievable.

[Karl grunts]

Paul, could I ask you something personal?

Having trouble getting your little soldier to stand to attention?

Can't help you mate, never happened to me.

Yeah. No, it's not that.

Do you think I'm tough?

No.

[Karl] Hmm? Yeah, but...

I could be, though, if I wanted to be, right?

No. Sorry mate. It's just one of those things.

You've got small hands.

[toilet flushes]

Talk about needing a royal flush.

Wait. You didn't put toilet paper down the loo, did you?

-No. -[Paul] Only, it's a chemical toilet,

-can't take bog roll.

I didn't. No.

-You just touched your face. -And your eyes went up to the left.

[Paul and Karl sniffing]

[Karl groans] What is that smell?

Shittin' Nora!

[Paul grunts]

What are you up to?

Cleaning up the damage done last night by Sir Shits-a-Lot here.

What's the time? I never thought I'd say this,

but thank god I've got to go to Bloxwich.

-[Paul] Can we be friends again? -I suppose so.

It's not your fault you got tempted onto the rocks by that siren.

Whatever you say. You can give me a hand mopping out the bog.

No, Paul, we've got to get back inside.

Wait... Is that a swing ball?

Oh? So, you're back, are you?

This job centre ain't big enough for the both of us.

What does that even mean?

It means I want my benefits. And this is your final warning.

Oh, well, I'm not backing down.

If you want your money, you're gonna have to do things my way.

I'm telling you that I want my money.

And I'm telling you, you're gonna have to go through me to get it.

[Kevin] Well, that's big talk for a man with such small hands.

Is there a problem here?

[Kevin] Yes. This man here wants to take my dreams from me.

Well sir, if your dreams are getting in the way

of you finding gainful employment, he is entitled to do that.

Oh, we'll see about that.

-[Trish shrieks] Careful! He's got a gun. -Karl, do something!

-Can't move. I'm frozen. -Look, I don't want anyone to get hurt.

-I've only got one demand, which is... -[blender buzzing]

[Kevin inaudible]

...with a rope ladder.

Have you not seen someone masticate before?

-[Kevin] Right, that's it. -[Trish squeals]

Me and the little lady here are taking a walk.

-[Trish] Karl! Karl! -[Kevin] Shh. Wait.

No funny stuff.

Where the hell is security?

[both grunting]

That's it!

-[Trish stutters] Mr. Cowboy-- -It's Kevin.

-Kevin the Cowboy. -It's just Kevin.

Just Kevin the Cowboy.

-Kevin! -[Trish shrieks] Please don't kill me!

Look, will you try and calm down?

[Trish] I'm sorry. I've never been stuck-up at gunpoint before.

I was just... I was just thinking,

maybe now that they've evacuated the building, we could go downstairs.

I would be happy to process your claim.

Too late for that.

Well, can we go inside at least? We definitely shouldn't be up here.

-This is a health and safety nightmare. -[Kevin] Well, of course it is,

we're up here on a roof and I've got a gun.

[Trish shrieks] Please don't shoot me!

Sorry, I can't help it.

Will you just sit down and shut up?

-Yeah. -I'm trying to think here.

[phone ringing]

-It's him. It's Karl. -Go ahead, answer it.

Trish, it's Karl. Tell him we should swap places.

It's me he's got a problem with, not you.

-What? -Trish, this is Ash.

I am back from Bloxwich.

Listen carefully. I have studied a module

in criminology. I'm going to negotiate with this cowboy

and diffuse the whole situation. Okay?

Now it's our district work psychologist.

He wants to talk to you.

Here, let me talk to him, Ash.

Karl, did you get 61 percent for an essay you wrote

on the 1980 Iranian Embassy siege?

-No. -Well, I suggest you leave this to me.

-Hello, Cowboy. -It's Kevin.

-Now, I want you to stay calm. -[Kevin] I am staying calm.

This is quite a unique situation, isn't it?

-I'm sorry? -[Kevin] I said,

this predicament we're in,

it's quite unique.

Well something can't be "quite unique", can it?

-Well, this is quite unique. -[Ash] No,

the word "unique" is an absolute.

It can't be modified. Understand?

Something is either unique or it isn't...

Hello?

[dramatic guitar chord]

[Karl] How well would you say that went, then? 61 percent?

[door squeaks open]

Angela, you can't leave.

If I can't work, I've no obligation to stay.

But when the police get here, they'll want to speak to all the witnesses.

Then they can contact my lawyer.

Oh, and don't expect me back in for a week.

I've got trauma.

Don't you want to hang around to see if Trish is okay?

If she gets shot, I'll see it on Midlands Today.

[car keys beep]

I was so rude to her.

If something happened, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

[Paul] Don't worry Janette, Trish is going to be fine. Right, Ash?

I doubt it. Even if she gets out of this alive,

she'll probably be damaged psychologically.

She might get panic attacks, Stockholm Syndrome...

Fear of going to Ikea? I get that a lot.

Is Stockholm syndrome that one where the hostages fall for their captors?

It happens all the time. In very clear stages.

Once the fear of the situation has passed,

the hostage will confide in the captor, often getting quite emotional and upset.

...and then Janette called me a home-wrecker.

But I swear nothing happened. I mean, as if I'd... As if I'd do that to someone

after going through a divorce myself.

It's at this stage that a simple first connection is made.

Divorce is tough.

-Have you been divorced, too? -[Kevin] She left me eight years ago.

If she'd stayed, there's no way I'd be on this roof right now.

-I can completely understand. -[Ash] From there,

the hostage and the hostage-taker will form a close bond.

-Oh, getting a bit chilly-willy. -Oh.

[Ash] Unlikely though it sounds, they form a sort of partnership.

The hostage sees him as a sort of comfort, safety, an inspiration.

She may even adopt characteristics of the hostage-taker,

his mannerisms, even his clothing.

[Trish] Thank you, kind cowboy.

If there's one thing they knew what to do in the Old West,

it was how to treat a little lady...

apart from the prostitution and all that.

And like that, Stockholm Syndrome has kicked in.

Oh. Don't worry, partner. I've got your back.

[police car sirens]

Here come the cavalry.

It's you and me against the world.

[Trish giggles]

[fast rock music]

[music ends abruptly]

Uh, Inspector, the perp is on the roof, he's in his 50s, he's a male,

caucasian... cowboy.

Okay. listen up, until the Firearms Unit

have properly assessed the situation, keep your distance.

Under no circumstances

should anyone attempt to contact the hostage-taker directly.

[Ash] I was merely pointing out the definition of the word "unique".

Please do not shoot the hostage. We are--

Incoming!

[Janette] It's Trish's shoe!

[garbled police radio]

[Natalie] It's Trish's handwriting.

Um, they want a megaphone delivered to the roof.

And Karl, they want you to do it.

[garbled police radio]

-I'll do it. -No, Karl.

Well, you were the one who told me to man up.

Well, I meant work a bit harder, not turn into Bruce fucking Willis.

Incoming!

[thud]

[Janette] It's Trish's other shoe!

Trish also says, um... can you bring her shoes back up with you.

-Oh, yeah. -[Natalie] Yeah.

There's a microphone hidden there so we can listen in.

Any information is useful to the Firearms Unit, so keep talking.

-Understood? -Understood.

Right, let's get you switched up.

Karl. You can't do this.

Natalie, I've made my decision. I'm going up there.

No, I mean literally, you won't be able to.

-You're scared of heights, right? -Not really.

Do you not remember how you were when we got in that glass lift at the Bull Ring?

[Karl sighs] Okay, maybe I am a little bit scared of heights,

and maybe I do have small hands.

And yes, I did cry at Frozen

when the little snowman nearly melted, but do you know what Natalie,

sometimes a man's got to do what a man's got to do.

[policemen laughing]

Well, at least we know your microphone's working.

[door opens with a bang]

I'm not armed. I'm not armed.

Karl! Come and join the posse.

Thanks, Trish...

[mutters] who sits on an air vent about five or six metres ahead of me.

-What? -Huh? What?

Oh, no. Nothing...

[mutters] he says, taking three steps away from the roof door.

Stop talking like that.

[in louder voice] Alright then.

[mutters] Gunman who is sitting next to Trish near the air vent,

-about five or six metres ahead of me. -Stop!

-Huh? -[Trish] Oh, come on.

There's no room for ill feeling in "The Rooftop Gang".

[stutters] I brought what you asked for. What's going on, Trish?

Kevin the Cowboy demands an apology.

[Karl] Oh. Uh, I am really sorry for being rude about your singing career.

For all I know, you could be really good.

Well, Karl, you're about to find out.

Am I?

I'm giving Kevin the chance to prove to you, to everybody,

that he can sing. Go ahead, cowboy.

Sing your heart out. This is your big moment.

Karl?

Oh. Oh, yeah, go on.

Go on. Follow your dreams.

-Oh, thanks, partners. -[Trish laughs]

[Kevin lets out a breath] Right.

♪ I am a poor wayfaring stranger ♪

-♪ In this this world alone ♪ -Trish, Trish, let's make a break for it.

I'm not leaving him Karl.

-Listen to that voice. It's beautiful. -♪ And there's no sickness ♪

-Trish! -♪ No toil nor danger ♪

-♪ In that bright land ♪ -Trish!

♪ To which I go ♪

-♪ And I'm going ♪ -Trish.

-♪ To see my father ♪ -[Karl] Oh my God, that's high.

-♪ And all my loved ones ♪ -That is... Oh my God, that is high.

-♪ Who've gone on... ♪ -Oh my. Oh no.

Wait, I'm hearing something else.

[Karl] Oh no, I'm gonna die. That's it. Oh no, I'm gonna die.

It sounds like one of the hostages is being threatened.

-[Karl] I'm gonna die. -Firearms Unit stand by for action.

I'm gonna die. Oh no, I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Oh no.

-♪ ...over Jordan ♪ -[Trish harmonises badly]

-♪ Well, I'm going ♪ -[Janette] Oh God, he's torturing Trish!

-[bellows] ♪ Over home ♪ -All units, go! Go! Go!

[sustained off-key note]

-[door bangs open] -[Firearms Unit] Guns on the ground!

Put the gun down! Drop the weapon! Get on the floor!

[Trish screams] I'm not the cowboy! He's the cowboy!

Right, back off, or I'll shoot the little lady here!

[Trish squeals] I thought we were partners!

Will you just shut up!

[panting] I hate thin crust. I hate thin crust.

[yells] Yippee ki-yay, cowboy!

[Trish screams]

[Karl screams] Oh no!

-[Trish screams] Karl! -[thud]

[Trish panting] Oh, thank God for that.

-Right, that's it. -[hard rock music]

-[loud impact] -[Kevin groans]

[Trish panting]

The milky bars are on me!

[Trish pants heavily]

[mellow guitar chord]

[inaudibly] I'm sorry.

The last time I trusted a cowboy, I got overcharged for me patio.

[garbled police radio]

There's something wrong with your toilet, mate. The paper won't flush.

Shittin' Nora!

[sirens wailing]

Karl, that was very brave.

Yeah? Like Princess Elsa brave?

Princess Elsa brave.

Oh.

The centre's gonna be shut for the rest of the day.

So, are you hanging out with the lads or are you coming home with me?

Definitely going with you.

Good.

'Cause you know what you're going to get for being such a brave boy?

What?

-[whispers inaudibly] -[Karl chuckles]

[Ash laughs]

["Work" playing]