All language subtitles for The.Job.Lot.S03E02_English
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Filipino
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hindi
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Igbo
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Javanese
Kannada
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Malayalam
Maltese
Maori
Marathi
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese
Punjabi
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Sundanese
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Tamil
Telugu
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Xhosa
Yiddish
Yoruba
Zulu
Odia (Oriya)
Kinyarwanda
Turkmen
Tatar
Uyghur
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,240
["The Four Seasons" by Vivaldi]
2
00:00:03,240 --> 00:00:05,200
[female computer voice]
Here at Somerville Fertility Clinic,
3
00:00:05,280 --> 00:00:07,120
we pride ourselves on helping you
4
00:00:07,200 --> 00:00:08,680
-to start a family.
-[knock on the door]
5
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,320
-[silences computer]
-[Natalie] Ready for the briefing?
6
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,400
[Trish] On my way.
7
00:00:11,480 --> 00:00:12,480
-[computer]
We place...
-Oh, whoops.
8
00:00:12,560 --> 00:00:13,840
...the carefully prepared donor sperm...
9
00:00:13,920 --> 00:00:15,480
-Shush.
-...
into your uterus,
10
00:00:16,440 --> 00:00:17,840
close to the time of ovulation.
11
00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:22,320
The freshly harvested sperm
is inserted directly--
12
00:00:22,400 --> 00:00:23,720
[computer voice and music cut off]
13
00:00:25,040 --> 00:00:26,880
Do you want me to pretend
I didn't hear that?
14
00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,320
No, no. I'm not ashamed.
15
00:00:28,720 --> 00:00:31,800
I'm embracing my situation.
I'm going solo.
16
00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:34,120
-Bloody good for you, Trish.
-It's not ideal.
17
00:00:34,200 --> 00:00:36,800
You know, getting pregnant
without a sexual partner is a bit like
18
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:38,320
sausage and mash without the mash.
19
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,840
[scoffs] Without the sausage, surely.
20
00:00:40,920 --> 00:00:42,080
[Natalie laughs awkwardly]
21
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,640
Because it's like a willy.
22
00:00:44,720 --> 00:00:47,880
Oh, yes. Yes. Very good.
23
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:50,960
Like a willy. No, no,
it's fine, you've got to laugh.
24
00:00:51,040 --> 00:00:54,000
I'm buying sperm. I've got to suck it up
and take it on the chin.
25
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,200
["Work" playing]
26
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:08,320
[Karl] Yeah, but mate,
you haven't given me much notice.
27
00:01:08,400 --> 00:01:11,440
-[friend]
Yeah, cause I've just found out.
-Who am I gonna get to move in?
28
00:01:11,520 --> 00:01:13,480
-I don't know. Someone.
-Oh...
29
00:01:13,560 --> 00:01:15,240
Listen, I'll be moving my stuff this week.
30
00:01:15,320 --> 00:01:16,480
-[Karl sighs]
-
Just give me a half...
31
00:01:16,560 --> 00:01:19,280
I'll call you later. Okay, bye.
32
00:01:19,800 --> 00:01:23,080
-You alright, my love?
-Mmm. Fine thanks, Janette.
33
00:01:23,160 --> 00:01:26,000
I couldn't help overhearing
your flatmate's moving out.
34
00:01:26,080 --> 00:01:28,080
Oh, oh, you heard that, did you?
35
00:01:28,160 --> 00:01:29,960
[Janette] Why don't you ask Natalie
to move in?
36
00:01:30,040 --> 00:01:32,320
[scoffs] Well, yeah.
Well, I'd have to think about--
37
00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:33,880
That'd be lovely though, wouldn't it?
38
00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,040
-Well, yeah.
-[door opens]
39
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,720
Oh, here she is.
Why don't you ask her now?
40
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:41,560
-Ask me what?
-Karl's flatmate's moving out,
41
00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:43,240
and he wants you to move in with him.
42
00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:45,760
Do you?
43
00:01:48,840 --> 00:01:50,360
-I'd love it.
-What do you say?
44
00:01:50,440 --> 00:01:52,760
[stutters] You can say no, if you want to.
45
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:56,160
[Janette] Why would she say no?
She still lives at home with her dad.
46
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:59,000
-Even I know that's sad.
-Yeah, all right, Janette.
47
00:01:59,080 --> 00:02:02,800
You want to though, don't you?
Be lovely, happy families together.
48
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:06,560
That would be lovely.
49
00:02:06,640 --> 00:02:07,920
I think that's a yes.
50
00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:09,640
[Karl lets out a breath]
51
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,200
[Trish] Okay, word up everyone.
I'd like to introduce Ash Mourad.
52
00:02:15,280 --> 00:02:17,840
He's our new District Work Psychologist.
53
00:02:18,400 --> 00:02:19,760
[Trish giggles] Clap, clap.
54
00:02:19,840 --> 00:02:20,720
Hello everybody.
55
00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:23,640
Ash is here to help people
overcome the mental barriers
56
00:02:23,720 --> 00:02:25,240
that may be stopping them from working.
57
00:02:25,320 --> 00:02:27,360
And he's here to help
our job seekers, too.
58
00:02:28,240 --> 00:02:30,280
Very good. Excellent banter.
59
00:02:30,360 --> 00:02:32,360
Oh, that is me to a "t", isn't it, guys?
60
00:02:34,680 --> 00:02:39,080
Ash, why don't you tell everyone
how you do the voodoo that you do so well.
61
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:42,880
Also very, very humorous.
Um, but psychology's not voodoo.
62
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,920
It's a highly regarded
science of the human mind.
63
00:02:45,000 --> 00:02:47,360
-Yeah, of course.
-And I'm here to basically unlock
64
00:02:47,440 --> 00:02:50,040
the reasons behind why job seekers
are struggling to get work.
65
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:51,480
[Angela] How you gonna do that then?
66
00:02:52,000 --> 00:02:53,240
[Ash] Oh, well, it's lots
of different ways,
67
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:56,000
-it's actually quite boring.
-Mmm. Sounds it.
68
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,240
Ash sometimes uses hypnotherapy.
69
00:03:00,320 --> 00:03:02,120
Do you have people running around
thinking they're chickens
70
00:03:02,200 --> 00:03:03,520
and taking their clothes off?
71
00:03:03,600 --> 00:03:05,160
Oh. No. God knows I've tried, but...
72
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:08,480
[Paul] He's not a stage hypnotist,
Janette. It's more like mind reading.
73
00:03:08,560 --> 00:03:10,840
[Karl] It's not...
it's not mind reading, Paul.
74
00:03:10,920 --> 00:03:13,760
It's deductive reasoning.
Like Sherlock Holmes.
75
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,080
Yeah, I suppose,
I do look for clues in people.
76
00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:17,080
Brilliant. Do Sherlock Holmes on me.
77
00:03:17,160 --> 00:03:18,680
What can you tell about me
just by looking?
78
00:03:18,760 --> 00:03:19,880
Hey? [clicks tongue]
79
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:22,480
[Ash] Oh, um...
This is probably wrong, but I would say
80
00:03:22,560 --> 00:03:24,840
that you had cornflakes for breakfast?
81
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:28,400
That is genius. [Stutters] How could
anybody possibly know that?
82
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:34,000
[Natalie] Okay everyone,
Ash isn't a performing monkey.
83
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,240
Oh, no, no. This is fun,
do someone else. Do someone else.
84
00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:37,160
Okay, um...
85
00:03:38,360 --> 00:03:39,480
Angela, is it?
86
00:03:40,040 --> 00:03:42,600
[Ash] Angela, I've noticed that you got
a rather large set of keys on you.
87
00:03:42,680 --> 00:03:44,280
Now this suggests to me
that you're the kind of person
88
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:47,640
that likes to be in control.
You're a D type personality.
89
00:03:47,720 --> 00:03:51,400
These types of personality often find it
very difficult to empathise with people,
90
00:03:51,480 --> 00:03:54,120
often preferring animal contact,
possibly cats,
91
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:57,480
because cats
can't challenge or judge them. And...
92
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,600
-Was I close?
-Um...
93
00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:06,000
Yeah, you're in the right area. Yeah.
94
00:04:06,600 --> 00:04:07,720
[electric blues guitar]
95
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:16,560
Something troubling you, young Karl?
96
00:04:17,160 --> 00:04:20,080
Don't worry. I don't want to bore you
with my problems.
97
00:04:20,160 --> 00:04:21,600
-Fair enough.
-It's Natalie.
98
00:04:22,840 --> 00:04:24,000
She finally dumped you?
99
00:04:24,560 --> 00:04:27,000
No, actually, I asked her
to move in with me.
100
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:28,640
Ah right, and she said no,
101
00:04:28,720 --> 00:04:30,160
and you're worried
she's going to dump you.
102
00:04:30,240 --> 00:04:33,360
No, she said yes and I'm worried,
because we already spend all day together.
103
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:36,920
Gotcha. And you think she's gonna
get bored of you and then dump you.
104
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,680
Paul, I'm not worried she's gonna dump me.
105
00:04:38,760 --> 00:04:39,760
Really?
106
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:41,760
No, I'm worried about us
not having our own space.
107
00:04:41,840 --> 00:04:44,360
-The answer is simple, Karl.
-[Karl sighs]
108
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:47,840
Yeah. Talk to her honestly
and tell her how I feel.
109
00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,680
No, get a shed.
110
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,400
[Karl] No, it's just that sometimes...
111
00:04:51,880 --> 00:04:55,120
I like to turn all the lights out
and play
Final Fantasy in my pants.
112
00:04:55,200 --> 00:04:56,840
You can do that in a shed.
113
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:58,120
And, you know, I've never...
114
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,320
farted in front of her.
115
00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,440
You're not hearing me
about this shed, are you?
116
00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,120
[Paul] Look, of course you're gonna
have to make a few compromises.
117
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:08,560
Yvette makes me do sit-down wees,
so I don't splash the lino.
118
00:05:08,640 --> 00:05:10,480
I have to go down the pub
to watch football.
119
00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:13,000
But every morning I wake up
with the person I love.
120
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,760
Because I sleep on my own in the shed.
121
00:05:16,600 --> 00:05:17,600
[Paul laughs]
122
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:21,440
Bet you hear all sorts, don't you?
123
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,720
People asking you
about their recurring dreams.
124
00:05:23,800 --> 00:05:26,360
Like when all their teeth
fall out in Top Shop. [laughs]
125
00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:27,760
I mean, what is that about?
126
00:05:27,840 --> 00:05:28,760
Yeah.
127
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:31,080
No seriously, what's that all about?
128
00:05:31,680 --> 00:05:32,560
Oh, I don't know.
129
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,240
Yeah. Cool. It's not important.
130
00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:39,000
Ash, as a therapist,
you can keep a secret, right?
131
00:05:39,080 --> 00:05:41,680
Oh, of course, yeah.
This is no longer the learning room.
132
00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,920
Think of this
as the inner sanctum of trust.
133
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:48,320
Perhaps I should begin by sharing
something private about myself.
134
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,000
Oh, that's really not necessary.
135
00:05:50,080 --> 00:05:52,160
I have a shy testicle.
136
00:05:54,480 --> 00:05:56,040
Does that make you feel more comfortable?
137
00:05:56,760 --> 00:05:57,560
Not really.
138
00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,320
Basically, my boyfriend, Karl,
asked me to move in with him,
139
00:06:01,400 --> 00:06:02,920
and I said yes,
but I don't really want to.
140
00:06:03,000 --> 00:06:04,120
This is good, we're sharing.
141
00:06:04,200 --> 00:06:06,560
He's fantastic,
we're just not ready to live together,
142
00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,360
and I don't want to hurt his feelings.
143
00:06:08,960 --> 00:06:11,120
-Honestly is always the best policy.
-I don't know.
144
00:06:11,200 --> 00:06:13,760
He was obviously nervous about asking.
He got Janette to do it for him.
145
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,080
If I tell him the truth,
it's gonna break his heart.
146
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,480
-So, what do you think?
-I think...
147
00:06:20,040 --> 00:06:23,280
an honest penny is better
than a stolen pound.
148
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,960
-What does that mean?
-Not sure.
149
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:31,200
When you're spending
as much on sperm as I am,
150
00:06:31,280 --> 00:06:33,560
you expect in-depth information.
151
00:06:34,120 --> 00:06:38,400
Alright. Okay, for instance,
number 512, the accountant.
152
00:06:38,480 --> 00:06:40,720
I mean, it says here
he likes playing sport.
153
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,560
For all I know that could mean darts.
154
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,360
No, I think you should know.
155
00:06:46,120 --> 00:06:50,000
I don't want my baby to be sired
by Phil "The Power" Taylor.
156
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:51,560
Sorry, I've got to go, thank you.
157
00:06:52,440 --> 00:06:53,240
Tea?
158
00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:55,640
[Karl grunts]
159
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,360
Oh. One and a half sugars.
160
00:06:57,440 --> 00:06:58,920
How did you know I wanted extra sugar?
161
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,320
You always have extra sugar
when you're stressed.
162
00:07:01,400 --> 00:07:03,560
-How do you I'm stressed?
-You chew your pen when you're stressed.
163
00:07:03,640 --> 00:07:04,600
I haven't been--
164
00:07:04,680 --> 00:07:05,880
Your lips are blue,
you look like a corpse.
165
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:06,920
-Come here.
-Oh, Trish.
166
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,000
Well, go and wash it off
in the toilets then.
167
00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,360
[Trish sighs]
168
00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:14,200
Honestly, Karl,
you can't hide anything from me.
169
00:07:14,280 --> 00:07:15,120
[door closes]
170
00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:17,320
I know you better than you know yourself.
171
00:07:20,400 --> 00:07:21,720
[rap music playing through phone]
172
00:07:24,720 --> 00:07:26,160
Do you want to turn that off?
173
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:29,720
-What?
-Switch it off or I'm calling security.
174
00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,240
I can't hear you. Music's too loud.
175
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:33,680
Security!
176
00:07:35,520 --> 00:07:37,960
Can you make people regress
to a past life?
177
00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:40,080
I've always thought
I might have been a gladiator.
178
00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:42,080
Yeah, I think we might be
getting our wires crossed.
179
00:07:42,160 --> 00:07:44,840
You see, what I do is hypnotherapy.
180
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,240
Can't you Google it?
181
00:07:46,320 --> 00:07:48,600
You can't just Google
"the power of mind control".
182
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:51,200
Everyone'd be doing it. Can you imagine?
It would be mayhem!
183
00:07:51,760 --> 00:07:53,560
Absolute madness.
184
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,480
Google "mind control".
185
00:07:57,040 --> 00:07:58,840
-[rap music]
-Turn. It. Off.
186
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:03,440
Oh! That's a funky little tune.
187
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:05,640
Have you got crabs?
188
00:08:06,200 --> 00:08:07,360
I wish.
189
00:08:12,480 --> 00:08:14,360
-Well, this has been delightful.
-Good...
190
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:16,800
because she's your first customer.
191
00:08:16,880 --> 00:08:19,920
I'm sure you'll be happy to unlock
the reasons why she can't find work.
192
00:08:20,920 --> 00:08:21,840
[Ash] Great. Well, I look forward to--
193
00:08:21,920 --> 00:08:24,080
-[clicks button]
-[rap music]
194
00:08:24,680 --> 00:08:25,520
Cool.
195
00:08:26,280 --> 00:08:27,520
So, I'll catch you later.
196
00:08:29,080 --> 00:08:30,000
[rap music playing]
197
00:08:33,799 --> 00:08:35,239
-Hello.
-Hey.
198
00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,040
Oh, um, Karl, while I'm here,
199
00:08:37,120 --> 00:08:40,240
I just need to ask a few questions
for an HR thing. Boring.
200
00:08:40,799 --> 00:08:43,519
Anyway, question one, would you say
you're in a good state of health?
201
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:45,680
[Karl] Uh, yeah, I suppose.
202
00:08:45,760 --> 00:08:50,160
Any underlying health issues? Asthma?
Colour blindness? Hypertension?
203
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:52,600
[Karl] Uh, I do sometimes
get a blocked ear.
204
00:08:52,680 --> 00:08:54,440
Okay. And does that cause
complete deafness?
205
00:08:54,520 --> 00:08:55,800
Pardon?
206
00:08:55,880 --> 00:08:56,720
[both chuckle]
207
00:08:56,800 --> 00:08:59,920
Good sense of humour.
Of course I knew that anyway.
208
00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,880
-Ever have any dark thoughts?
-What?
209
00:09:01,960 --> 00:09:04,200
-An urge to kill?
-No. Sorry, is this for HR?
210
00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:06,520
That's right, yeah,
[stutters] it's just a little report.
211
00:09:06,600 --> 00:09:07,640
How did your grandparents die?
212
00:09:07,720 --> 00:09:09,160
-They haven't.
-None of them?
213
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,760
Oh wow. And are they well
within themselves?
214
00:09:12,840 --> 00:09:14,320
Well, my Nan's got diabetes.
215
00:09:14,400 --> 00:09:17,720
-Type one or two?
-Hm... type two.
216
00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,240
Oh, that's brilliant news.
217
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,480
Karl, I'd like to buy you lunch.
218
00:09:22,560 --> 00:09:23,480
[upbeat techno music]
219
00:09:28,040 --> 00:09:30,400
Oh, feel free to order whatever you want.
220
00:09:30,480 --> 00:09:31,360
Have the surf and turf.
221
00:09:31,960 --> 00:09:34,000
It's steak and scampi.
222
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,800
Yeah, I was just gonna get a sandwich.
223
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:39,120
Oh, at least have a side
of breaded mushrooms, Karl,
224
00:09:39,200 --> 00:09:41,200
for crying out loud. [laughs nervously]
225
00:09:41,280 --> 00:09:42,240
What is this about?
226
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:49,400
Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking,
and I've come to a decision.
227
00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,000
Are... Are you giving me the sack?
228
00:09:53,080 --> 00:09:54,280
Quite the opposite, actually.
229
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:57,280
I'm giving you the sack?
230
00:09:58,800 --> 00:10:00,920
Hopefully, in a roundabout way.
231
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,200
I am looking for a sperm donor.
232
00:10:05,920 --> 00:10:09,440
But I want to get pregnant
the natural way, with a man I trust,
233
00:10:09,520 --> 00:10:10,840
not a stranger I don't know.
234
00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:15,840
I want a man who's...
who's kind and caring, a good listener,
235
00:10:15,920 --> 00:10:18,160
capable of getting on
with all sorts of people,
236
00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:22,080
from a disabled child
to the Prime Minister himself.
237
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,960
You've just described Phillip Schofield.
238
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,680
Oh, Pip Sco would be perfect, yes, but...
239
00:10:27,120 --> 00:10:28,080
No, listen...
240
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:30,520
I've decided that the, um...
241
00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:34,680
perfect man to "do the deed"...
242
00:10:36,880 --> 00:10:37,760
is you.
243
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:41,720
What do you say?
244
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:45,000
[Karl] Um, okay...
[stutters] with the greatest of respect,
245
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,920
and I don't want to hurt
your feelings or anything, but...
246
00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:51,680
fuck off, Trish!
247
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:52,680
["Work" playing]
248
00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,800
You are feeling sleepy.
249
00:10:56,880 --> 00:11:00,880
Your eyes feel heavy,
and that is absolutely fine.
250
00:11:00,960 --> 00:11:04,560
You are at one
with the core of your being.
251
00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:08,640
You're right. This is a load of balls.
252
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:11,120
Paul?
253
00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:13,880
-[Janette] Paul?
-I'll be in my office,
254
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:15,840
-if you change your mind.
-I won't.
255
00:11:17,080 --> 00:11:18,920
You will not believe what just happened.
256
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,680
Tell me later, we need to talk.
257
00:11:22,200 --> 00:11:23,360
Oh, okay.
258
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:27,720
About moving in together, I'm just
going to be totally honest with you. I...
259
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:30,400
can't.
260
00:11:31,720 --> 00:11:33,600
[Karl sighs in relief] Ah...
261
00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,800
-Oh, that's such a shame.
-I mean I'd love to, obviously,
262
00:11:37,880 --> 00:11:42,000
you know I would, because you're great,
and the flat's great, and we're great,
263
00:11:42,080 --> 00:11:46,960
and it just has absolutely nothing to do
with you, because you are totally great.
264
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,600
-Cool.
-Oh.
265
00:11:49,160 --> 00:11:51,920
-Great. Uh, hang on a minute, sorry.
-[Natalie giggles]
266
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:54,400
-[Karl] Whoo, toot toot...
-[both laugh awkwardly]
267
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:58,840
So, uh,
[stutters] why can't you move in with me?
268
00:11:59,480 --> 00:12:00,680
Oh. Because...
269
00:12:01,400 --> 00:12:03,760
I can't move in with you bec-- Well...
270
00:12:05,160 --> 00:12:08,200
The facts of the matter are,
is that, because...
271
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:12,040
because I am massively in debt.
272
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:13,400
-Really?
-Yep.
273
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,160
Drowning in it. Up to me eyeballs.
274
00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:17,560
-How much do you owe?
-Twelve, large.
275
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:20,160
-Twelve thousand pounds?
-Yep. And a half.
276
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:21,200
Why didn't you tell me?
277
00:12:23,160 --> 00:12:24,320
Because of the shame.
278
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,920
You don't need to be ashamed, Natalie.
I am your boyfriend.
279
00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:32,920
And I'm gonna make sure
that you get expert advice.
280
00:12:33,000 --> 00:12:35,080
So, you've got debt problems?
281
00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,200
That's right. Big time.
282
00:12:38,400 --> 00:12:39,840
Sorry Karl, what is this?
283
00:12:39,920 --> 00:12:43,880
This is an intervention, Natalie.
Ash is a psychologist, he can help.
284
00:12:44,640 --> 00:12:47,880
And this "debt" is the reason
why you can't move in with Karl?
285
00:12:48,440 --> 00:12:51,240
Yes, Ash, that is the reason.
286
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:55,840
Right. I think now might be the time
to be completely honest with Karl.
287
00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:58,000
So, if there's anything
that you're not telling him...
288
00:12:58,080 --> 00:12:59,680
I've said everything.
289
00:13:00,480 --> 00:13:04,160
[Karl] What have you spent
12 and a half grand on?
290
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:06,680
-Gambling.
-What?
291
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:07,880
-What?
-[Natalie] Yeah.
292
00:13:08,640 --> 00:13:11,440
Horses, dogs... football.
293
00:13:11,520 --> 00:13:13,880
Hold up. You know nothing about football.
294
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,680
Exactly. Why do you think
I'm in so much debt?
295
00:13:17,240 --> 00:13:19,560
Right, I think this might be getting
a little bit out of hand.
296
00:13:19,640 --> 00:13:20,560
[Natalie] Of course it is.
297
00:13:22,280 --> 00:13:26,040
But when you're on a losing streak,
you just keep spending more and more
298
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,560
to try and make back your losses.
299
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:30,120
And it's hard to know when to walk away...
300
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,200
and when to run.
301
00:13:33,560 --> 00:13:35,080
Come here. Come on.
302
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,560
Right. Listen, I'm gonna make
this right, I promise you.
303
00:13:38,440 --> 00:13:39,800
You don't have to do that.
304
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,080
[slow techno music]
305
00:13:41,160 --> 00:13:42,480
[Natalie inaudibly] Sorry.
306
00:13:43,600 --> 00:13:47,520
-Can you hear me, Paul?
-My name is not Paul.
307
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:49,640
My name is Solomon.
308
00:13:50,480 --> 00:13:51,880
Where are you, Solomon?
309
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,840
In a large field.
310
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,760
-Is it Cannock Chase?
-No.
311
00:13:56,480 --> 00:13:57,600
It's hot.
312
00:13:58,040 --> 00:14:00,960
I'm with lots of other people
and we're picking cotton.
313
00:14:01,040 --> 00:14:02,840
Oh my good God.
314
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:04,000
I am a slave.
315
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,360
My master treats me cruelly.
316
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,320
How long have you been a slave?
317
00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:11,080
Twelve years.
318
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,080
-[Paul chuckles]
-You bugger.
319
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:17,000
-I thought I had the gift.
-[Paul chuckling]
320
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:20,720
Okay, I'll do it. This whole...
321
00:14:21,360 --> 00:14:22,480
pregnancy thing. Let's do it.
322
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,960
But.. You sure?
323
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:28,720
You dropped the, um,
f-bomb in a pretty major way.
324
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,560
Yeah, sorry about that, it was a...
325
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:32,600
bit harsh.
326
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:36,920
Now, this doesn't make me
a man whore, but I will need paying.
327
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:39,200
-How much are we talking?
-12,500 pounds.
328
00:14:39,280 --> 00:14:40,880
How much?
329
00:14:41,960 --> 00:14:43,880
Fine, I'll take a hammer to my piggy bank.
330
00:14:45,240 --> 00:14:47,160
-Plus VAT.
-VAT?
331
00:14:47,240 --> 00:14:50,640
You can't add VAT onto your sperm, Karl.
It's not a luxury item.
332
00:14:50,720 --> 00:14:51,720
Yeah, we'll... [grunts]
333
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:53,520
We'll waive the VAT. When do we do this?
334
00:14:53,600 --> 00:14:56,320
It's got to be tonight.
I'm ovulating like a bitch.
335
00:14:57,320 --> 00:14:58,240
[phone beeps]
336
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:00,800
How long have you been out of work?
337
00:15:02,080 --> 00:15:03,200
[phone beeps]
338
00:15:04,640 --> 00:15:06,760
Why do you feel the need
to be on your phone constantly?
339
00:15:06,840 --> 00:15:09,160
Because Crap-Dawn's
slagging me off on Facebook.
340
00:15:09,240 --> 00:15:12,040
-Sorry, who's Crap-Dawn?
-Shit-Paul's step sister.
341
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:13,120
Of course.
342
00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:16,720
Um...
343
00:15:17,760 --> 00:15:20,360
Would you describe yourself
as a happy person?
344
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:26,000
No. I've just been called "potato tits"
online and it's got 84 likes.
345
00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,680
-[phone beeps]
-Some people use their mobile phones
346
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:30,200
-as a defence mechanism--
-Look, I get it.
347
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:33,800
We talk, I cry, and you work out
the reason I haven't found a job,
348
00:15:33,880 --> 00:15:36,400
is because I got diddled
by some bloke at Brownies.
349
00:15:36,480 --> 00:15:37,320
[phone beeps]
350
00:15:38,480 --> 00:15:40,040
Were you diddled
by some bloke at Brownies?
351
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:41,080
No.
352
00:15:42,240 --> 00:15:44,280
If anything, I made the first move.
353
00:15:45,040 --> 00:15:46,960
I still feel
that you're suppressing something Bryony,
354
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:48,560
a trauma, perhaps.
355
00:15:48,640 --> 00:15:51,240
-Have you lost anyone close to you?
-No.
356
00:15:51,320 --> 00:15:53,840
-Family member? A friend? Pet, even?
-No, dickhead,
357
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:57,240
I have not lost a member of my family
or a friend. Or a rabbit.
358
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,880
-What was the name of the rabbit, Bryony?
-Snowdrop.
359
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:02,960
And what happened to Snowdrop?
360
00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:04,960
He fell asleep in a washing machine.
361
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:09,880
By the time we realised,
mom had put him on an extra rinse.
362
00:16:10,920 --> 00:16:12,160
It was too late.
363
00:16:13,200 --> 00:16:14,120
He was dead.
364
00:16:16,280 --> 00:16:18,320
-But clean.
-[Bryony sobs]
365
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:27,800
-Thank you so much.
-Good luck with the job seeking.
366
00:16:27,880 --> 00:16:29,680
Good luck with your shy testicle.
367
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:32,880
["Work" playing]
368
00:16:36,880 --> 00:16:39,480
She is such a sweetheart.
369
00:16:43,760 --> 00:16:45,000
More woman problems?
370
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,640
Huh? Oh. Women.
371
00:16:49,240 --> 00:16:51,880
Come on now, tell your agony uncle.
372
00:16:52,280 --> 00:16:54,280
Chances are, I'll have been
through something similar.
373
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:55,200
Oh?
374
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,280
I'm having sex with an older woman
375
00:16:57,360 --> 00:16:59,760
to pay for my girlfriend's
illegal gambling expenses.
376
00:16:59,840 --> 00:17:01,680
Ah, that old chestnut.
377
00:17:02,320 --> 00:17:05,840
What we talking?
Over 40, but still naughty, or...
378
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,960
so old there's a danger
you'll break her hips?
379
00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:09,400
It's Trish.
380
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:12,760
Christ on a bike, Karl!
You're chalking them up, ain't ya?
381
00:17:13,359 --> 00:17:14,759
You'll be knocking off Janette next week.
382
00:17:14,839 --> 00:17:18,879
I have no choice. Trish thinks
I'm a perfect fit to father her child
383
00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:20,560
and Natalie's desperate for money.
384
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,120
What would you do in my position?
385
00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:23,920
Let's get down to brass tacks.
386
00:17:24,480 --> 00:17:26,640
Keep it simple, drop of Asti Spumante,
387
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:30,920
some sparse up-lighting
and the Paul Franks love-making playlist.
388
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:32,200
You'll find it on Spotify.
389
00:17:32,280 --> 00:17:35,840
I don't want love-making advice, Paul,
I just want to get through it.
390
00:17:36,560 --> 00:17:39,280
I'm worried I'm never
gonna get rid of the image of her...
391
00:17:39,360 --> 00:17:40,240
on me.
392
00:17:40,320 --> 00:17:42,120
So, you've imagined her on top?
393
00:17:42,880 --> 00:17:45,000
As have I, my friend, as have I.
394
00:17:45,480 --> 00:17:49,640
I think the best thing you can do
is film the entire thing, show me,
395
00:17:49,720 --> 00:17:51,240
and I'll help you with the therapy.
396
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:55,080
I'm really starting to wonder
why I come to you for advice.
397
00:17:57,360 --> 00:17:59,080
Call me if you need a wing man.
398
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,160
[funk music]
399
00:18:06,720 --> 00:18:07,600
[music warps to an end]
400
00:18:11,040 --> 00:18:13,480
Righty-o then,
get yourself nice and comfy.
401
00:18:15,680 --> 00:18:16,640
Thank you very much.
402
00:18:23,160 --> 00:18:25,080
Would you like something to look at?
403
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,480
Build yourself up for the big moment?
404
00:18:28,200 --> 00:18:30,600
Now, I'm afraid I don't own any...
405
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,360
-pornography.
-No, it's fine.
406
00:18:33,440 --> 00:18:36,360
I did, I did have
a
Next Directory somewhere,
407
00:18:36,440 --> 00:18:38,840
but I think it went in the last recycling.
408
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:40,560
Um... Oh!
409
00:18:41,720 --> 00:18:42,720
[Karl exhales heavily]
410
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:43,880
[Trish] What about this?
411
00:18:45,280 --> 00:18:47,080
Collingwood family album.
[laughs nervously]
412
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:49,200
Ignore the first few pages.
413
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,880
That's my parents
on a narrow boat in the Fenns,
414
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,080
-but somewhere in the middle... oh!
-[pages rustling]
415
00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:56,160
Student Trish in Fuengirola.
416
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:58,040
There's some bikini shots there,
417
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,200
that should pump your tyres.
418
00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:01,600
-[Karl] Mm.
-[Trish giggles]
419
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:07,440
I'll just, um, get into something
more appropriate. Alright?
420
00:19:10,760 --> 00:19:12,240
[voice shaking] Oh God, let me die.
421
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,160
[background electronic music]
422
00:19:15,760 --> 00:19:16,760
Ding ding, round two.
423
00:19:16,840 --> 00:19:18,240
Same again please, Ash.
424
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,480
Okay. Only, I did get the first round.
425
00:19:21,560 --> 00:19:22,760
Yeah, it's a tradition here, mate,
426
00:19:22,840 --> 00:19:24,600
your first day at work,
you buy the drinks all night.
427
00:19:24,680 --> 00:19:26,240
-Okay...
-[Janette] I'm gonna tell you
428
00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:27,920
what I want telepathically.
429
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,760
Is it another large rosé?
430
00:19:31,840 --> 00:19:33,240
God he's good.
431
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,160
Actually, you may as well get a bottle.
432
00:19:35,240 --> 00:19:37,680
[Ash] Uh, not a problem. And Natalie?
433
00:19:38,400 --> 00:19:40,840
-I'll just have a double whiskey.
-Okay.
434
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,280
-And a gin and tonic.
-Right.
435
00:19:42,360 --> 00:19:43,840
And a wine.
436
00:19:45,400 --> 00:19:47,040
It's so great to be part of the team.
437
00:19:52,200 --> 00:19:53,880
Drowning your sorrows, love?
438
00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:54,840
[Natalie grunts]
439
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,560
Don't worry, Karl told us.
440
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,040
We've had a little whip round for you.
441
00:20:00,120 --> 00:20:02,720
We've been collecting
off the job seekers all afternoon.
442
00:20:03,400 --> 00:20:05,760
-Oh God.
-Stay strong bab.
443
00:20:05,840 --> 00:20:10,120
No, no, I've lied to Karl.
I never wanted to move in with him.
444
00:20:10,200 --> 00:20:11,360
It's perfectly understandable.
445
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:14,320
Not the gambling thing,
it's not true. None of it.
446
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,120
I don't have gambling debts.
I just didn't want to tell him the truth.
447
00:20:17,720 --> 00:20:20,840
-I'm having this back.
-Shit. You better stop Karl.
448
00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:23,600
-Stop from doing what?
-Fathering Trish's baby.
449
00:20:23,680 --> 00:20:25,160
Why is he doing that?
450
00:20:25,240 --> 00:20:27,200
To pay off the 12 and half grand
you didn't spend
451
00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:28,640
on a gambling habit you haven't got.
452
00:20:30,120 --> 00:20:31,040
[clock ticking]
453
00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:35,520
[Trish] Here I am.
454
00:20:35,600 --> 00:20:36,680
[Trish shrieks]
455
00:20:36,760 --> 00:20:37,920
[Karl yells]
456
00:20:38,760 --> 00:20:41,040
Why have you got
your bare bottom on my sofa?
457
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:42,600
Why are you wearing rubber gloves?
458
00:20:42,680 --> 00:20:45,520
I thought this was supposed to be
straight, middle-aged sex!
459
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:47,640
Why would we be having sex?
460
00:20:47,720 --> 00:20:49,760
You said you wanted
to conceive "the natural way".
461
00:20:49,840 --> 00:20:53,560
I meant natural, as in knowing
who the father is. I just want your sperm.
462
00:20:54,480 --> 00:20:55,520
Put it away.
463
00:20:57,200 --> 00:20:58,720
-Karl!
-[Trish] Mothering Sunday!
464
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:00,200
What on earth are you doing here?
465
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:02,000
I am staging an intervention.
466
00:21:02,080 --> 00:21:04,720
And I'm filming it.
Guess I missed the money shot.
467
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:06,680
[Natalie] Karl, you don't need
to have sex with Trish!
468
00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,800
-I've told him that.
-What about your debt?
469
00:21:08,880 --> 00:21:11,040
I don't have any debt. I lied.
470
00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:12,680
You... You did what?
471
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:17,920
I didn't want to move in with you
so I lied about the debt.
472
00:21:18,560 --> 00:21:21,000
[voice breaking] I almost had sex
with Trish, Natalie!
473
00:21:21,080 --> 00:21:22,640
For the last time, no, you didn't!
474
00:21:22,720 --> 00:21:24,400
I just wanted your tadpoles!
475
00:21:25,200 --> 00:21:28,240
Anyway, the deal's off.
There's no way we can procreate.
476
00:21:28,840 --> 00:21:32,040
It's been so long since I've had
my ears pinned back, I'd almost forgotten.
477
00:21:32,120 --> 00:21:34,120
I'm sorry, Karl,
but we can't mix our genes.
478
00:21:34,680 --> 00:21:37,480
Our baby would look
like some kind of dwarf B.F.G.
479
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:40,760
-Absolutely fine with me. Can I go?
-[Trish] Yeah, of course.
480
00:21:42,480 --> 00:21:43,720
Don't forget your pants.
481
00:21:44,320 --> 00:21:46,360
-Is that Fuengirola?
-Well, I'll see you tomorrow,
482
00:21:46,440 --> 00:21:48,680
for what I'm sure won't be
an uncomfortable day at work.
483
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,000
Paul...
484
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:57,200
See ya.
485
00:21:57,840 --> 00:21:59,760
Honestly. [clicks tongue]
486
00:21:59,840 --> 00:22:00,840
["Work" playing]
37888