Original subtitles

["The Four Seasons" by Vivaldi]

[female computer voice] Here at Somerville Fertility Clinic,

we pride ourselves on helping you

-to start a family. -[knock on the door]

-[silences computer] -[Natalie] Ready for the briefing?

[Trish] On my way.

-[computer] We place... -Oh, whoops.

...the carefully prepared donor sperm...

-Shush. -...into your uterus,

close to the time of ovulation.

The freshly harvested sperm is inserted directly--

[computer voice and music cut off]

Do you want me to pretend I didn't hear that?

No, no. I'm not ashamed.

I'm embracing my situation. I'm going solo.

-Bloody good for you, Trish. -It's not ideal.

You know, getting pregnant without a sexual partner is a bit like

sausage and mash without the mash.

[scoffs] Without the sausage, surely.

[Natalie laughs awkwardly]

Because it's like a willy.

Oh, yes. Yes. Very good.

Like a willy. No, no, it's fine, you've got to laugh.

I'm buying sperm. I've got to suck it up and take it on the chin.

["Work" playing]

[Karl] Yeah, but mate, you haven't given me much notice.

-[friend] Yeah, cause I've just found out. -Who am I gonna get to move in?

-I don't know. Someone. -Oh...

Listen, I'll be moving my stuff this week.

-[Karl sighs] -Just give me a half...

I'll call you later. Okay, bye.

-You alright, my love? -Mmm. Fine thanks, Janette.

I couldn't help overhearing your flatmate's moving out.

Oh, oh, you heard that, did you?

[Janette] Why don't you ask Natalie to move in?

[scoffs] Well, yeah. Well, I'd have to think about--

That'd be lovely though, wouldn't it?

-Well, yeah. -[door opens]

Oh, here she is. Why don't you ask her now?

-Ask me what? -Karl's flatmate's moving out,

and he wants you to move in with him.

Do you?

-I'd love it. -What do you say?

[stutters] You can say no, if you want to.

[Janette] Why would she say no? She still lives at home with her dad.

-Even I know that's sad. -Yeah, all right, Janette.

You want to though, don't you? Be lovely, happy families together.

That would be lovely.

I think that's a yes.

[Karl lets out a breath]

[Trish] Okay, word up everyone. I'd like to introduce Ash Mourad.

He's our new District Work Psychologist.

[Trish giggles] Clap, clap.

Hello everybody.

Ash is here to help people overcome the mental barriers

that may be stopping them from working.

And he's here to help our job seekers, too.

Very good. Excellent banter.

Oh, that is me to a "t", isn't it, guys?

Ash, why don't you tell everyone how you do the voodoo that you do so well.

Also very, very humorous. Um, but psychology's not voodoo.

It's a highly regarded science of the human mind.

-Yeah, of course. -And I'm here to basically unlock

the reasons behind why job seekers are struggling to get work.

[Angela] How you gonna do that then?

[Ash] Oh, well, it's lots of different ways,

-it's actually quite boring. -Mmm. Sounds it.

Ash sometimes uses hypnotherapy.

Do you have people running around thinking they're chickens

and taking their clothes off?

Oh. No. God knows I've tried, but...

[Paul] He's not a stage hypnotist, Janette. It's more like mind reading.

[Karl] It's not... it's not mind reading, Paul.

It's deductive reasoning. Like Sherlock Holmes.

Yeah, I suppose, I do look for clues in people.

Brilliant. Do Sherlock Holmes on me.

What can you tell about me just by looking?

Hey? [clicks tongue]

[Ash] Oh, um... This is probably wrong, but I would say

that you had cornflakes for breakfast?

That is genius. [Stutters] How could anybody possibly know that?

[Natalie] Okay everyone, Ash isn't a performing monkey.

Oh, no, no. This is fun, do someone else. Do someone else.

Okay, um...

Angela, is it?

[Ash] Angela, I've noticed that you got a rather large set of keys on you.

Now this suggests to me that you're the kind of person

that likes to be in control. You're a D type personality.

These types of personality often find it very difficult to empathise with people,

often preferring animal contact, possibly cats,

because cats can't challenge or judge them. And...

-Was I close? -Um...

Yeah, you're in the right area. Yeah.

[electric blues guitar]

Something troubling you, young Karl?

Don't worry. I don't want to bore you with my problems.

-Fair enough. -It's Natalie.

She finally dumped you?

No, actually, I asked her to move in with me.

Ah right, and she said no,

and you're worried she's going to dump you.

No, she said yes and I'm worried, because we already spend all day together.

Gotcha. And you think she's gonna get bored of you and then dump you.

Paul, I'm not worried she's gonna dump me.

Really?

No, I'm worried about us not having our own space.

-The answer is simple, Karl. -[Karl sighs]

Yeah. Talk to her honestly and tell her how I feel.

No, get a shed.

[Karl] No, it's just that sometimes...

I like to turn all the lights out and play Final Fantasy in my pants.

You can do that in a shed.

And, you know, I've never...

farted in front of her.

You're not hearing me about this shed, are you?

[Paul] Look, of course you're gonna have to make a few compromises.

Yvette makes me do sit-down wees, so I don't splash the lino.

I have to go down the pub to watch football.

But every morning I wake up with the person I love.

Because I sleep on my own in the shed.

[Paul laughs]

Bet you hear all sorts, don't you?

People asking you about their recurring dreams.

Like when all their teeth fall out in Top Shop. [laughs]

I mean, what is that about?

Yeah.

No seriously, what's that all about?

Oh, I don't know.

Yeah. Cool. It's not important.

Ash, as a therapist, you can keep a secret, right?

Oh, of course, yeah. This is no longer the learning room.

Think of this as the inner sanctum of trust.

Perhaps I should begin by sharing something private about myself.

Oh, that's really not necessary.

I have a shy testicle.

Does that make you feel more comfortable?

Not really.

Basically, my boyfriend, Karl, asked me to move in with him,

and I said yes, but I don't really want to.

This is good, we're sharing.

He's fantastic, we're just not ready to live together,

and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

-Honestly is always the best policy. -I don't know.

He was obviously nervous about asking. He got Janette to do it for him.

If I tell him the truth, it's gonna break his heart.

-So, what do you think? -I think...

an honest penny is better than a stolen pound.

-What does that mean? -Not sure.

When you're spending as much on sperm as I am,

you expect in-depth information.

Alright. Okay, for instance, number 512, the accountant.

I mean, it says here he likes playing sport.

For all I know that could mean darts.

No, I think you should know.

I don't want my baby to be sired by Phil "The Power" Taylor.

Sorry, I've got to go, thank you.

Tea?

[Karl grunts]

Oh. One and a half sugars.

How did you know I wanted extra sugar?

You always have extra sugar when you're stressed.

-How do you I'm stressed? -You chew your pen when you're stressed.

I haven't been--

Your lips are blue, you look like a corpse.

-Come here. -Oh, Trish.

Well, go and wash it off in the toilets then.

[Trish sighs]

Honestly, Karl, you can't hide anything from me.

[door closes]

I know you better than you know yourself.

[rap music playing through phone]

Do you want to turn that off?

-What? -Switch it off or I'm calling security.

I can't hear you. Music's too loud.

Security!

Can you make people regress to a past life?

I've always thought I might have been a gladiator.

Yeah, I think we might be getting our wires crossed.

You see, what I do is hypnotherapy.

Can't you Google it?

You can't just Google "the power of mind control".

Everyone'd be doing it. Can you imagine? It would be mayhem!

Absolute madness.

Google "mind control".

-[rap music] -Turn. It. Off.

Oh! That's a funky little tune.

Have you got crabs?

I wish.

-Well, this has been delightful. -Good...

because she's your first customer.

I'm sure you'll be happy to unlock the reasons why she can't find work.

[Ash] Great. Well, I look forward to--

-[clicks button] -[rap music]

Cool.

So, I'll catch you later.

[rap music playing]

-Hello. -Hey.

Oh, um, Karl, while I'm here,

I just need to ask a few questions for an HR thing. Boring.

Anyway, question one, would you say you're in a good state of health?

[Karl] Uh, yeah, I suppose.

Any underlying health issues? Asthma? Colour blindness? Hypertension?

[Karl] Uh, I do sometimes get a blocked ear.

Okay. And does that cause complete deafness?

Pardon?

[both chuckle]

Good sense of humour. Of course I knew that anyway.

-Ever have any dark thoughts? -What?

-An urge to kill? -No. Sorry, is this for HR?

That's right, yeah, [stutters] it's just a little report.

How did your grandparents die?

-They haven't. -None of them?

Oh wow. And are they well within themselves?

Well, my Nan's got diabetes.

-Type one or two? -Hm... type two.

Oh, that's brilliant news.

Karl, I'd like to buy you lunch.

[upbeat techno music]

Oh, feel free to order whatever you want.

Have the surf and turf.

It's steak and scampi.

Yeah, I was just gonna get a sandwich.

Oh, at least have a side of breaded mushrooms, Karl,

for crying out loud. [laughs nervously]

What is this about?

Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking, and I've come to a decision.

Are... Are you giving me the sack?

Quite the opposite, actually.

I'm giving you the sack?

Hopefully, in a roundabout way.

I am looking for a sperm donor.

But I want to get pregnant the natural way, with a man I trust,

not a stranger I don't know.

I want a man who's... who's kind and caring, a good listener,

capable of getting on with all sorts of people,

from a disabled child to the Prime Minister himself.

You've just described Phillip Schofield.

Oh, Pip Sco would be perfect, yes, but...

No, listen...

I've decided that the, um...

perfect man to "do the deed"...

is you.

What do you say?

[Karl] Um, okay... [stutters] with the greatest of respect,

and I don't want to hurt your feelings or anything, but...

fuck off, Trish!

["Work" playing]

You are feeling sleepy.

Your eyes feel heavy, and that is absolutely fine.

You are at one with the core of your being.

You're right. This is a load of balls.

Paul?

-[Janette] Paul? -I'll be in my office,

-if you change your mind. -I won't.

You will not believe what just happened.

Tell me later, we need to talk.

Oh, okay.

About moving in together, I'm just going to be totally honest with you. I...

can't.

[Karl sighs in relief] Ah...

-Oh, that's such a shame. -I mean I'd love to, obviously,

you know I would, because you're great, and the flat's great, and we're great,

and it just has absolutely nothing to do with you, because you are totally great.

-Cool. -Oh.

-Great. Uh, hang on a minute, sorry. -[Natalie giggles]

-[Karl] Whoo, toot toot... -[both laugh awkwardly]

So, uh, [stutters] why can't you move in with me?

Oh. Because...

I can't move in with you bec-- Well...

The facts of the matter are, is that, because...

because I am massively in debt.

-Really? -Yep.

Drowning in it. Up to me eyeballs.

-How much do you owe? -Twelve, large.

-Twelve thousand pounds? -Yep. And a half.

Why didn't you tell me?

Because of the shame.

You don't need to be ashamed, Natalie. I am your boyfriend.

And I'm gonna make sure that you get expert advice.

So, you've got debt problems?

That's right. Big time.

Sorry Karl, what is this?

This is an intervention, Natalie. Ash is a psychologist, he can help.

And this "debt" is the reason why you can't move in with Karl?

Yes, Ash, that is the reason.

Right. I think now might be the time to be completely honest with Karl.

So, if there's anything that you're not telling him...

I've said everything.

[Karl] What have you spent 12 and a half grand on?

-Gambling. -What?

-What? -[Natalie] Yeah.

Horses, dogs... football.

Hold up. You know nothing about football.

Exactly. Why do you think I'm in so much debt?

Right, I think this might be getting a little bit out of hand.

[Natalie] Of course it is.

But when you're on a losing streak, you just keep spending more and more

to try and make back your losses.

And it's hard to know when to walk away...

and when to run.

Come here. Come on.

Right. Listen, I'm gonna make this right, I promise you.

You don't have to do that.

[slow techno music]

[Natalie inaudibly] Sorry.

-Can you hear me, Paul? -My name is not Paul.

My name is Solomon.

Where are you, Solomon?

In a large field.

-Is it Cannock Chase? -No.

It's hot.

I'm with lots of other people and we're picking cotton.

Oh my good God.

I am a slave.

My master treats me cruelly.

How long have you been a slave?

Twelve years.

-[Paul chuckles] -You bugger.

-I thought I had the gift. -[Paul chuckling]

Okay, I'll do it. This whole...

pregnancy thing. Let's do it.

But.. You sure?

You dropped the, um, f-bomb in a pretty major way.

Yeah, sorry about that, it was a...

bit harsh.

Now, this doesn't make me a man whore, but I will need paying.

-How much are we talking? -12,500 pounds.

How much?

Fine, I'll take a hammer to my piggy bank.

-Plus VAT. -VAT?

You can't add VAT onto your sperm, Karl. It's not a luxury item.

Yeah, we'll... [grunts]

We'll waive the VAT. When do we do this?

It's got to be tonight. I'm ovulating like a bitch.

[phone beeps]

How long have you been out of work?

[phone beeps]

Why do you feel the need to be on your phone constantly?

Because Crap-Dawn's slagging me off on Facebook.

-Sorry, who's Crap-Dawn? -Shit-Paul's step sister.

Of course.

Um...

Would you describe yourself as a happy person?

No. I've just been called "potato tits" online and it's got 84 likes.

-[phone beeps] -Some people use their mobile phones

-as a defence mechanism-- -Look, I get it.

We talk, I cry, and you work out the reason I haven't found a job,

is because I got diddled by some bloke at Brownies.

[phone beeps]

Were you diddled by some bloke at Brownies?

No.

If anything, I made the first move.

I still feel that you're suppressing something Bryony,

a trauma, perhaps.

-Have you lost anyone close to you? -No.

-Family member? A friend? Pet, even? -No, dickhead,

I have not lost a member of my family or a friend. Or a rabbit.

-What was the name of the rabbit, Bryony? -Snowdrop.

And what happened to Snowdrop?

He fell asleep in a washing machine.

By the time we realised, mom had put him on an extra rinse.

It was too late.

He was dead.

-But clean. -[Bryony sobs]

-Thank you so much. -Good luck with the job seeking.

Good luck with your shy testicle.

["Work" playing]

She is such a sweetheart.

More woman problems?

Huh? Oh. Women.

Come on now, tell your agony uncle.

Chances are, I'll have been through something similar.

Oh?

I'm having sex with an older woman

to pay for my girlfriend's illegal gambling expenses.

Ah, that old chestnut.

What we talking? Over 40, but still naughty, or...

so old there's a danger you'll break her hips?

It's Trish.

Christ on a bike, Karl! You're chalking them up, ain't ya?

You'll be knocking off Janette next week.

I have no choice. Trish thinks I'm a perfect fit to father her child

and Natalie's desperate for money.

What would you do in my position?

Let's get down to brass tacks.

Keep it simple, drop of Asti Spumante,

some sparse up-lighting and the Paul Franks love-making playlist.

You'll find it on Spotify.

I don't want love-making advice, Paul, I just want to get through it.

I'm worried I'm never gonna get rid of the image of her...

on me.

So, you've imagined her on top?

As have I, my friend, as have I.

I think the best thing you can do is film the entire thing, show me,

and I'll help you with the therapy.

I'm really starting to wonder why I come to you for advice.

Call me if you need a wing man.

[funk music]

[music warps to an end]

Righty-o then, get yourself nice and comfy.

Thank you very much.

Would you like something to look at?

Build yourself up for the big moment?

Now, I'm afraid I don't own any...

-pornography. -No, it's fine.

I did, I did have a Next Directory somewhere,

but I think it went in the last recycling.

Um... Oh!

[Karl exhales heavily]

[Trish] What about this?

Collingwood family album. [laughs nervously]

Ignore the first few pages.

That's my parents on a narrow boat in the Fenns,

-but somewhere in the middle... oh! -[pages rustling]

Student Trish in Fuengirola.

There's some bikini shots there,

that should pump your tyres.

-[Karl] Mm. -[Trish giggles]

I'll just, um, get into something more appropriate. Alright?

[voice shaking] Oh God, let me die.

[background electronic music]

Ding ding, round two.

Same again please, Ash.

Okay. Only, I did get the first round.

Yeah, it's a tradition here, mate,

your first day at work, you buy the drinks all night.

-Okay... -[Janette] I'm gonna tell you

what I want telepathically.

Is it another large rosé?

God he's good.

Actually, you may as well get a bottle.

[Ash] Uh, not a problem. And Natalie?

-I'll just have a double whiskey. -Okay.

-And a gin and tonic. -Right.

And a wine.

It's so great to be part of the team.

Drowning your sorrows, love?

[Natalie grunts]

Don't worry, Karl told us.

We've had a little whip round for you.

We've been collecting off the job seekers all afternoon.

-Oh God. -Stay strong bab.

No, no, I've lied to Karl. I never wanted to move in with him.

It's perfectly understandable.

Not the gambling thing, it's not true. None of it.

I don't have gambling debts. I just didn't want to tell him the truth.

-I'm having this back. -Shit. You better stop Karl.

-Stop from doing what? -Fathering Trish's baby.

Why is he doing that?

To pay off the 12 and half grand you didn't spend

on a gambling habit you haven't got.

[clock ticking]

[Trish] Here I am.

[Trish shrieks]

[Karl yells]

Why have you got your bare bottom on my sofa?

Why are you wearing rubber gloves?

I thought this was supposed to be straight, middle-aged sex!

Why would we be having sex?

You said you wanted to conceive "the natural way".

I meant natural, as in knowing who the father is. I just want your sperm.

Put it away.

-Karl! -[Trish] Mothering Sunday!

What on earth are you doing here?

I am staging an intervention.

And I'm filming it. Guess I missed the money shot.

[Natalie] Karl, you don't need to have sex with Trish!

-I've told him that. -What about your debt?

I don't have any debt. I lied.

You... You did what?

I didn't want to move in with you so I lied about the debt.

[voice breaking] I almost had sex with Trish, Natalie!

For the last time, no, you didn't!

I just wanted your tadpoles!

Anyway, the deal's off. There's no way we can procreate.

It's been so long since I've had my ears pinned back, I'd almost forgotten.

I'm sorry, Karl, but we can't mix our genes.

Our baby would look like some kind of dwarf B.F.G.

-Absolutely fine with me. Can I go? -[Trish] Yeah, of course.

Don't forget your pants.

-Is that Fuengirola? -Well, I'll see you tomorrow,

for what I'm sure won't be an uncomfortable day at work.

Paul...

See ya.

Honestly. [clicks tongue]

["Work" playing]