Original subtitles

[swing music playing]

[Trish] Yes, well done.

-[knock on the door] -Yes.

-[Angela] I need to go after lunch. -Why?

-Personal reasons. -Is everything okay?

-Anything you want to share? -No.

-What? Is it an emergency? -No.

I do need to know what to put on the system.

-Personal reasons. -Okay, it'll go down as annual leave.

-But it's not annual leave. -What is it then?

It's personal reasons.

-[knock on the door] -Yes?

Uh, Trish...

I've got a really sore throat, is it possible to leave early?

Oh, come on. No, Angela's leaving early, we're already stretched.

Really? Uh...

But I think it's the flu. I've just been sick in a bin.

-[Karl grunts] -Oh, you're definitely a bit warm.

But I feel cold.

Well, you should rest, you're an integral part of my team, Karl.

I can't have you going down on me.

Can I go?

Yes, yes, go.

-Okay, bye. -All right.

[swing music playing]

-[Paul] Going anywhere nice, Angela? -Yes.

I'm ever so sorry Angela, I'm going to have to ask you to stay.

-You what? -Well, Karl's going home.

He really is quite ill. I can't afford to lose two members of staff.

That's not my problem, you said I could go.

Well, time off is at the manager's discretion.

I'm the manager, and I'm asking you to sit back down.

-[inaudible speech] -Yes.

[Trish] Come on Angela,

Karl's not well, so we all have to pull together.

"Teamwork makes the dream work."

-[Trish] Drink lots of fluids. -Don't worry, I will.

All right.

Oh, take your coat off, Angela, you won't feel the benefit.

♪ Bring me sunshine ♪

♪ In your smile ♪

♪ Bring me laughter ♪

♪ All the while ♪

♪ In this world where we live There should be more happiness ♪

♪ So much joy you can give ♪

♪ To each brand new bright tomorrow ♪

[jobseeker 1] Oi, there is a queue you know.

What is all this?

There's a sale on at the job centre.

-Really? -[Suzi] Of course not, you tit.

Car plant's been shut down, we've all been laid off.

Balls.

[Janette] Here you are, love. Park yourself there.

Oh, no more now, Paul, 35 is the limit.

So Janette, you need to do one in, one out, like a busy disco.

-Do you need a clicker? -No, I'll cope, chick.

[Trish whispers] Okay.

Danielle, everything okay? Yes?

-You okay Angela, are you managing? -I am, are you?

Yes. Yes, thank you.

Oh, Karl, thank goodness you're here. Are you better?

You still look, and smell, quite ill.

I think that's the virus coming out. I should probably go home.

Why aren't you dressed?

Uh, well, this is the thing, you see, this is the story.

I got up early to get some Lemsips, and the flat door closed behind me

-and I couldn't, I couldn't get back in-- -Show me your t-shirt.

-I don't want to. -Show me your t-shirt now, please.

Oh. A stag do, I see.

No wonder you didn't answer my texts.

I lit a hope candle for you on Friday night.

-Thanks. -And where are your proper clothes?

The flight was delayed, and the airline lost my luggage and my keys are in my bag.

That's very convenient, isn't it?

Not really.

Karl, how could you lie to me like that? You know I've got trust issues.

-I'm sorry. -You know, I can't even talk to you.

Danielle, please tell Karl to clean himself up.

Um... Trish says clean yourself up.

-With monitor wipes? -Tell him it's okay,

he already stinks of alcohol.

-She said it's okay, because you-- -I heard.

[swing music playing]

And find some decent clothes, please.

[Janette] Park your bum there. Be a little while.

[Graham] I nearly got a job at your factory once. It was March 1996.

Right.

I know it was the March, because the shops had just started selling Creme Eggs.

Thinking about it, I'm glad I never got it.

because if I had have got that job at your factory, I'd be unemployed now.

I spy...

with my little eye...

something beginning with... J.

Jobs?

No.

-[George] What about this? -I'm not wearing that.

-Why not? -Because it's not 1993.

-When do you wear this? -When I'm gathering evidence.

Is this the best the fraud department has to offer?

Surveillance is an art, Karl, I have to be able to blend in.

-As a massive bear? -I went deep undercover on a fun-run.

Tailed a woman who claimed that she couldn't work

because she had chronic arthritis.

-Did she? -She came third.

-So, how was it? Was it mad? -Oh, wild, you know.

I got you, what goes on tour, stays on tour, yeah?

-Yeah. -I remember my stag do.

Partying with a netball team on a Swedish night ferry. Outstanding.

My mate copped off with a goal attack.

Oh, no. No you don't.

-Just a little sleep. -Listen...

I know a man...

who can sort you out with what you need.

-I don't know what I need anymore. -Just a little something that helped me

through plenty of all-night surveillance ops.

George...

No, really, I'm not into that sort of stuff.

I haven't got any money anyway.

Don't worry about that. Your first one's always free.

[swing music playing]

-[shrieks] -Oh, sorry, thought I locked it. Balls.

You're not kidding.

[door slams shut]

[Paul] Here, look...

Caramel Odyssey.

It brings a lovely warm glow to any room. Now, order more than 30 square metres,

I'll Scotch Guard it for free. Have a think about it.

-What's tickled you? -Never you mind.

What are you doing?

Well, I thought they might want to invest their redundancy money.

Don't you think they've got enough to worry about?

Janette, there are few things more comforting

than a deep pile rustic loop.

-[gasps] Who's this trendy young stud? -Don't, Danielle, I'm not in the mood.

You must have had a brilliant weekend though, because you look shocking.

Danielle, would you please tell Karl he needs to wear a name badge.

Trish says you have to wear a name badge.

-Charmaine? You are joking? -Tell him I am not joking.

It's job centre policy and that's the only spare one.

She said she's not joking, it's job centre policy--

And tell him, if he doesn't like it, he can ruddy well lump it.

He's only got himself to blame.

[Trish clears her throat]

Next.

[swing music playing]

-Are you pregnant? -What's that meant to mean?

I'm sorry, I just have to go through all the questions.

-No, I am not pregnant. -Uh, your husband, is he...

-registered blind? -Right.

-There's a queue. -I'm looking for the manager.

How can I help?

-I want to make a complaint, I've-- -Speak to her.

Sorry. Is there a problem?

I've queued up for three hours, only to be called fat and ugly

by your member of staff over there.

Okay. Angela, could you sign this lady on for me, please.

No. It's my scheduled break time.

-Could you just do it quickly? -No.

-For me? -Definitely not.

You're going to have to do it.

I'm the manager, I don't sign people on.

But you work here?

Well, I'm the manager, as I said.

Then sign me on.

Okay. Right. Uh...

[swing music playing]

Okay...

All right, mate. All the best.

Here you go.

[Karl] What's this? I thought you said you knew a man?

I do. Gary, he works in the newsagents on the corner. Trust me Karl,

this is the business for staying awake, equivalent of 17 espressos.

Do you want me to take the wheel for a bit? Sign a few people on.

[Karl] No, thanks. I'm in enough trouble as it is, mate.

What? You think I can't do it? I can find my way round a simple system

like this with my eyes closed, it's basically data entry.

[Paul] How was the stag? Plenty of lovely ladies?

[Karl] Oh. It's just the usual, girls, strippers...

-stripper girls. -Oh, cracking.

Alan Carshaw, now that was a stag do.

We handcuffed him to the railings of a school...

naked as a jay bird.

He got to the wedding all right,

but he's on the sex offenders register for life.

-[ping] -No...

Let's try again.

-[ping] -Oh, no, that's, that's not it.

-I had it a second ago. Sorry. -This is ridiculous.

-Why are you on a Rapid Reclaim form? -Um, because I wanted to do it quickly.

But that's not right, is it?

She's not claimed JSA in the last 26 weeks, has she?

I don't know.

-Have you? -No.

[Angela] No, she hasn't. You need to start a new claim.

-Yes, I was just about to. -Go on then.

-Hmm... -No.

No.

Yes, this has changed quite a bit recently.

-Hasn't it? -No.

[ping]

Uh, Angela, could you show me how to do it?

Please?

-Please. -Certainly, Trish.

What was it?

"Teamwork makes the dream work."

Yup. Yup, that was it, thank you.

[background chattering]

[man] Oh, that's all right, you know.

[Angela] So, can you remember what we do with the little arrow thing?

-The cursor. -I'm the teacher.

Can you remember what we do with the little arrow?

Angela, just show me how to start a new claim.

Fine. But what'll happen if you input the wrong information into section seven?

How are you going to rectify it when you get to section 43?

-I don't know, I'd delete it. -And lose their whole claim?

No, just the bit I did wrong.

-Which bit did you do wrong? -[stutters] The thingy bit, I don't know.

-Exactly. You don't know. -Will someone just sign me on.

-Yup. -Why don't you start

typing in this lady's details?

[delivery man] This needs a manager's signature.

-Okay. -Ooh, excuse me, I'm the manager.

-Really? -Yes.

Look. Centre manager. You don't get a badge with centre manager on

unless you are manager of a centre and I am, of this centre.

-Give it here. -[swing music playing]

-[Trish] Good. All right. -Pen...

Yes. Yes, you may.

Okay, great, thanks, bye, bye, goodbye.

[lady] Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi. Oi. There is a queue, you know.

[Bryony] All right, Charmaine, what's wrong with you?

Nothing, nothing, I-I-I-I-I'm good. I'm better than good. I'm great.

Oh, you're not drinking that, are you? That stuff sends you mental.

You know it's got petrol in it.

It's not got petrol in it. Nothing's got petrol in it,

apart from petrol, but that's not a drink, it's petrol.

It's true. My mate puts it in his scrambler.

Yeah? Well, I feel amazing.

[Bryony] You won't. It messes with your insides.

Gives you the worst squits ever. You know it's banned in France.

No, it's not. They wouldn't do that. They eat horses. Is it really?

[Bryony] Yeah. This one bloke drank two bottles and was on the bog

for a week.

Seriously, he pooed his own lungs out.

You, you can't... no one can... That's impossible.

Not in France.

[John] I've got to see this as an opportunity, you know.

I've always wanted to start my own business.

-Lovely. -I mean, you've got to stay positive,

-haven't you? -Yes, absolutely.

Now, nearly ready for your surname. Just need to... tab and then return. Easy.

-[ping] -Oh, no. Where did that go then?

Lost it.

Oh, no. That's the internet. We don't want the internet, do we?

Well, hello there.

Thanks for dropping by.

Oh, good gracious.

[Angela] My name is Angela. I'm manager of Brownall Job Centre.

Manager?

[swing music playing]

-Oh, crikey. -[Angela] I like sunsets...

-I don't know why this... -...travel and the arts.

-I'm a cultured lady of the world. -[Trish] I'm not familiar with this.

-This is ciabatta. -So sorry. This is really loud.

-It's not my... -I like to cut loose and relax.

If I could just find the... sound.

-Are you okay? -Yes, Sorry about this. Uh...

I like to have a good time.

-Oh, my God. -I work hard, but I play harder.

If you want to see just how hard I can play--

-Everything all right? -Yes, yes. Good. Thank you.

Uhm... I think I've learned enough.

-[swing music playing] -Excuse me.

[jobseeker 2] A jazz mag and...

a socket set.

-Ooh. -I went to the shops and I bought

a banana, a BMW motorbike...

a pair of nunchucks, a jazz mag, a socket set... and a can of WD40.

[Paul] Graham, you're up.

Okay.

I went to the shops...

and I bought some tinned burgers...

an individual fish pie...

packet of snack-a-jacks...

-and... a tube of Germolene. -No, Gray, that's not right.

-I know, I meant to get toothpaste. -You're supposed to just repeat

what the last person said.

But that's not what I bought. I don't even like UB40.

-Shall we play something else? -Yeah.

[swing music playing]

-[teaspoon tinkling] -So, come on then, spill the beans.

-What did you get up to? -Can't stop.

I'm going to poo my lungs out.

Everyone knows you're an absolute whiz on these things.

Yeah, completely self-taught,

but what I don't know, you can't teach you anyway.

Excellent, because I need you to go into a website

and change Angela's profile page.

Hang on a minute, Trish. Are you asking me to access a secure domain

-without permission from the webmaster? -I don't know, am I?

You want me to hack into Angela's private account.

That's completely unethical, and highly illegal.

Not a prob. I'll need to know what I'm dealing with first.

All right. Well, brace yourself.

[swing music playing]

Uh... No, no, no, no. Sorry. This is the staff toilet.

Not today, it's not.

[Angela] I'm a real animal lover.

In fact, I'm a bit of an animal myself.

Dear, oh, dear.

[Angela] Stroke my fur to make me purr,

but rub me the wrong way, and this kitten bites!

[Angela] Meow.

George, you need to promise me you won't tell anyone about this.

I didn't know Angela had a conservatory.

[Angela] Let's hook up for fun, maybe dinner.

But I warn you, I can be a bit of a messy eater.

Is that a Dairylea triangle?

We're in the news today because of this factory shutdown.

If people search the world wide web for the manager of Brownall job centre,

they don't get me, they get Angela doing herself a cheesy mischief.

Can you change it or not?

Yeah, of course I can. It's probably just a simple firewall.

There's usually a back door into most systems.

-Okay. -Technically,

you're only ever six clicks away from nuclear armageddon.

[ping]

[George] Oh. Well, it's not supposed to do that.

What?

[pinging]

Karl, come here a minute.

[grunting]

-What do you want? -Just come here, quick.

[Danielle] Angela, is your computer working?

[Angela] No.

I think the system's gone down.

How are we gonna sign people on without computers?

Karl, go and tell Trish.

Oh my... Oh.

-I can't. -[Angela] I'll tell her.

[swing music playing]

Sorry.

[grunting and groaning]

[Karl, strained] Oh, my God!

How long is it going to take?

-You don't know, do you? -No.

-System's gone down. -Yes, I am aware of that.

Thank you, Angela. We are dealing with it.

George is perfectly in control.

Come on, sunshine, play the game.

I hope so, because there's a lot of people out there relying on you.

-Yes, thank you. -Okay.

[pinging]

-Why does it just say "error"? -That means it's working.

Oh, George.

[toilet flushing]

[swing music playing]

Ladies and gentlemen, we're having a few problems with the computer system.

So, we're going to sign you all on using our paper forms.

It'll just take a tiny bit longer.

You know it's ten to five, Trish.

So, I'm pleased to announce that Brownall Job Centre will stay open

as long as it takes to sign you all on.

Yes? Isn't that right, everyone?

You won't let me down, will you?

No. No, I'm happy to stay. We'll all stay.

Yeah, I don't mind.

There we are then, sorted. Thank you, Karl.

-Are you going somewhere, Angela? -Keep fit.

[Trish] Everyone else is staying late.

Everyone else doesn't block book their Zumba.

Okay, Angela, you go.

I wouldn't want to rub you up the wrong way. I know you can bite.

-Sorry? -Word of advice,

if you're going to do that in a conservatory,

you want to close the blinds, someone might see your...

Dairylea triangle.

Perhaps I will stay.

Super! Look everyone, even Angela's staying late to help. Isn't that great?

You see? "Teamwork does make the dream work."

Woop, woop!

[swing music playing]

In you come, chuck.

So I'm black...

I'm a rapper...

and I was killed in a Las Vegas drive-by.

Am I Gary Wilmot?

No!

[Janette] Have you done any work today, Paul Franks?

I'm keeping up morale. Here you are. Join in.

Who's Linda Lovelace?

A classical actress, beautiful she was, absolute spit of you.

[Danielle sighs] I'm knackered!

I haven't used a pen that much since I was at school.

-Thanks Angela. -[Trish] Yes, yes, thank you, everyone.

Much appreciated.

I know we're all exhausted from finishing everyone off by hand.

Last one's just left.

-[Paul] You alright, Karl? -I've crashed.

[Trish] Oh, dear.

[Danielle] Have you tried it with some Calpol?

I would do, Mum, but we're still working, sorry. Think it's going to be a late one.

All right. I'll be back as soon as I can. Right, bye. Bye.

-Pub? -Oh, yes, please. I need a humongous gin.

All right, hair of the dog.

-Is George coming? -He's working late.

Still fixing the computers. He said to go without him.

All right.

[Angela] I'm not looking for love, just someone who likes a bit of adventure.

For me, life's all about having fun.

I'm crazy for poetry and long walks in the rain.

I just love to laugh.

When?

♪ Bring me sunshine in your smile ♪

♪ Bring me laughter all the while ♪

♪ In this world where we live There should be more happiness ♪

♪ So much joy you can give To each brand new bright tomorrow ♪

♪ Make me happy through the years ♪

♪ Never bring me any tears ♪