Original subtitles

Bueno, bueno, Terry!

You are ready.

You are ready, Terry!

You're ready.

198, 199, 200.

- Ooh. - Whoo!

200 kegels each hour and your pelvic floor

will be strong as a bull.

- And that's a good thing? - Oh, yeah.

If you like a strong sphincter, bladder, uterus, and/or prostate.

- I love all those things. - It makes me dizzy.

Keep doing that for the next few days

and by the night of the Firefighters' Ball,

you'll be able to lift a car with your pudenda.

I've been hearing about the Firefighters' Ball

my entire life, and now I get to go.

- Hey, you got a date lined up? - I'm going with Gene.

- Oh, yes! - Oh, this guy!

Yes, bun head.

He has a top knot, yes.

What's he hiding up there, gumballs?

Hey, if I crank that thing,

- does pepper come out of his ass? - Yeah.

I think it's cute and that's all that matters.

I got my date lined up.

- Who's your date? - An opera singer.

Her name is Ophelia.

Is she all stuffy and erudite?

Yeah, is she too...

Oh, no, man. She's super funny.

And she does great impressions.

Michael Caine, Sofia Vergara, Shaq, R2-D2.

You'll love her. What about you, Andy?

Are you taking your sister again?

I mean, now that she's my mom? No.

I think I might play the field this year.

You know, maybe it's time for Andy to find himself

a fire fightress.

Yes, indeed, it is, my boy.

Hey, I should be your wingman.

- Oh, you don't have a date? - No, no,

it's my celibate month, Celibat-ember!

Ike, no offense, but you're not really a good wingman.

- What? - Yeah, it's just

the girls only want to talk to you.

Let me help you find a lady.

I'm so good at it.

I'm tired of you being alone all the time.

I'm not alone all the time.

You want me to do it?

- Yeah, okay. - Yeah!

Whoo! Game on!

And 200 more kegels. Let's go.

Vicky is gonna be super surprised.

She's been hammering me for years to do salsa lessons.

- I've been avoiding it. - Hang on, hang on.

Are you gonna wear one of those funny outfits?

I'm gonna wear a traditional salsa outfit,

if that's what you mean.

Well, I'm just curious how form-fitted it's gonna be.

Like, will it be stretchy, shimmery, blousy?

Will there be lightning bolts? What are we talking?

Don't you worry about it, all right?

Vicky's gonna love it, which is good,

because I recently put my foot in my mouth

and this salsa surprise is gonna help me out.

Oh, no. What'd you say?

I may have said that sometimes,

when she and I make love,

I look into her eyes and I see

- your eyes. - What? Are you crazy?

- I know. - That's terrible.

- I know. - You can't say that to a woman.

In retrospect, you are correct.

Goddamn right, I am.

But whatever, you guys are brother and sister.

It's a biology thing.

It's a sex buzzkill, dude. It's disgusting.

I know it's disgusting, and she has not let it go.

- She shouldn't. - But I'm gonna fix it

with the salsa thing.

Okay, first of all, it's pronounced sal-sa.

- That's what I said. - Not sawl-sa.

- That's what I said, sawl-sa. - Sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa. - Sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa. - Sal-sa!

- Sawl-sa. - Oh, okay, great.

She will never suspect

that I can do something this romantic.

We should make sure Granny brings his defib paddle.

- Morning. - What's up, A shift?

The chief and the captain just entered the room.

Still here!

- And 200. - Whoa, man.

- Whoo-hoo! - Wow.

Sorry, Chief, sorry, Cap.

We're doing this thing called kegels.

I hope that's not another new club drug.

- No, it isn't. - Hey, Cap.

Who you taking to the Ball?

That lady I met at the airport.

- Flight attendant? - No, she's the woman

who was driving the Parking Spot shuttle bus.

This petite woman tossing giant bags onto the bus.

- So hot. - Sounds hot.

- She toss your bag? - Whoa!

- Ike. - That's gross.

No, no, no. Oh, not like that!

Not did she toss your bag. I mean did she toss...

I mean, handle your luggage, like, put the suitcase on the truck?

- That's offensive.. - I... that's not what I meant.

She did, and when I got off the bus,

and she handed it back to me,

- I saw it. - Saw what?

Her left arm was a regular size arm,

but her right arm was a huge baggage handler arm.

Just... bam!

- Asymmetrical musculature. - Like a tennis player.

What about her neck massage?

Firm, sawft.

I bet she gives a bomb-ass hando.

- Lucy! - Hando Calrissian.

The Handalorian.

Some serious hand... job.

Actually, I haven't experienced that yet with the strong arm.

I think you're gonna get it, Cap.

Unforch, my time is running out.

She's been transferred to the Parking Spot down in Los Angeles

and she moves the morning after the Ball,

so the Ball is our last hurrah.

Hey, Chief, who are you taking to the Ball?

My wife. Okay, let's get down to business, everybody.

Train-riding orange tabby in "Cats."

Skimbleshanks.

Train-riding orange tabby in "Cats."

You're yelling through your earbuds again.

- What? - You're yelling through

your earbuds again.

Skimbleshanks.

That's the... okay.

- Skimbleshanks. - Okay.

So that fits. Skimbleshanks.

What's that smell? It's, like, perfume-y.

It's my new body spray. Do you like it?

You like the way it smells?

You know, it's okay.

Oh, Jesus. Okay.

My pen!

Oh, boy!

Yeah.

Subarctic forest. Hmm.

How's that gum?

Delicious. You want some?

No, thank you. Sounds great, though.

Mm, it's so good.

You know what?

- I'm gonna go work in my office. - Good.

I got a ton of paperwork and a bunch of phone calls to return.

Man, I do not envy you.

Paperwork and phone calls? I prefer saving lives.

Well, I make sure you get to do that.

I'm just saying I would hate to be chief.

- I like my life the way it is. - Oh, yeah?

In fact, I would rather slow dance with you than be chief.

I do not want your job.

- Well, you can't have it. - Good, 'cause I don't want it.

- You can't have it. - I don't want it.

Carry on.

598, 599...

Oh, my God, I can't do it.

600.

- Whoo-hoo-hoo! - Ugh, 600?

- That's right. - I think I pulled my rectum.

- Hey, Lucy. - Gene!

- Hey! - Hey.

You guys remember Gene, right?

- Oh, hey, Gene. - What is up, fire squad?

Mean Gene! Hey, I need a trailer hitch put on my truck.

Can you help me out with that at all?

I'm sorry, no.

Hey, Luce, I came to drop off the donation

for the silent auction.

Oh, that's so sweet. Thank you.

Free real estate seminar.

Honey!

You forgot one of the envelopes.

- Oh, God. Thanks, Mom. - Mm-hmm.

Everyone, this is my mom, Jean.

Wait, you guys have the same name?

No. I'm Eugene. She's Genevieve.

You're Gene... You're Gene-ivive

and you're... Gene... Eugene?

No.

You're Jeanie-A?

Good luck with the silent auction.

- Thanks, Gene. - You're welcome.

Okay, gotta roll.

- See you later, bye. - Bye.

Oops!

- What is happening? - Are you kidding me?

Hey, doesn't that make you uncomfortable?

- What? - He is literally

- the spitting image of his mom. - I don't see that.

I could never date a girl

that looked that much like her dad.

Yeah, it'd be like making out with the dad.

It doesn't bother me because I don't see it.

- Okay. - Power blast!

Lucy, come on!

What? I'm doing 'em.

Chief, Phil Dylan from Personnel.

- Oh, hey, Phil. - I was calling to let you know

that Ted Garrett is retiring

so a chief position is opening up at Station 17.

We have Eddie Penisi on a short list for consideration

- and wanted to reach out... - I'm gonna stop you right there, Phil.

Eddie does not wanna be a chief.

Really? Because he's very high up the list.

Trust me, Phil, he's said it to me on numerous occasions.

It's not something he's interested in.

As a matter of fact, he told me earlier today

he would rather slow dance with me than be a chief.

Okay, Chief. We'll focus elsewhere.

Okay, sounds good, Phil.

What's up, clammy hands?

Look who I caught skulking around.

Hey! What are you doing here?

I'm just picking up some items for the silent auction.

- Silent auction? - For the Firefighters' Ball.

I'm doing some of the charity stuff.

Oh, right, the Ball. When's that, again?

Friday.

How do you not remember this stuff?

I am super slammed with work.

You know, Eddie, since you and I have the same eyes

and we're basically the same person to Terry,

why don't you remind him of his important obligations?

Honey, it just slipped my mind.

Okay. Bye.

- See ya later. - You married him, Vic.

Love you!

What are you doing?

I'm making her think I'm not interested in the Ball.

Why? Don't you want her to be excited?

No, no, no. I'm lowering her expectations.

- That's my strategy. - That's a dumb strategy.

What are you talking about? It's negging.

You taught me about negging.

Making them think you're not interested?

Asshole, you don't neg your wife.

Don't call me an asshole. It's all part of the plan.

Think of how surprised she's gonna be

when I bust out that salsa, huh?

Okay, first of all, it's sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa. - Sal-sa.

- Sawl-sa! - Whatever.

Listen, I found out through the grapevine

that Chief Garrett is retiring.

That means there's a chief slot opening up in 17.

Now, my people on the inside

tell me that my name is on a short list for that job.

How sweet is that?

Uh, yeah, that's super sweet.

Yeah, how awesome would that be if I became a chief?

Uh, I thought you didn't want to be chief.

Why would you think that?

I put in the years. I'd be a great chief.

You would, you would, yeah, mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, I hope I get it.

I wonder who else is up for it.

I bet it's Captain Dooley from the shit shack.

But they wouldn't pick him, right?

He's an old school Irish prick with a glass eye.

Totally. He's a total Irish prick.

- Glass eye. Doesn't work. - Fake eye? Come on.

- He's not a chief. - No way.

There's no way he'd make it over you.

If Personnel calls, you tell 'em how great I'd be.

Course. Course I will.

Today is a great day!

- Yeah. - Oh, man.

- Personnel. - Phil.

- Hey, it's Terry McConkey again. - Hi, Chief.

Listen, I may have given you the wrong impression

on that last phone call.

I want to make sure you heard me properly.

Captain Penisi is interested in that chief's job.

That's not what you said before.

No, you must've misheard me,

because he is interested and I think he would do a great job.

Well, it's a moot now

because we offered the job to Jimmy Dooley.

Already?

I told you it was a short list.

When you said he wasn't interested. That made it really short.

Well, I don't think I ever said that, so.

You did. I wrote it down.

"Captain Penisi would rather slow dance with

Terry McConkey than be chief."

But I'll put him on the list.

There'll be another opening in a few years.

Great. Thanks.

Oh, boy.

Okay, hot sauce is the hot chick.

- Well, that makes sense. - This is you, this is me.

- Oops. Nope, hang on. - Now...

I'm just gonna switch these so it's not as weird.

Okay, are we ready?

- Yes. - All right.

So you walk in, approach the hot chick from the front,

I approach the hot chick from behind.

You smile and wave to her.

If she smiles and waves back, great.

I peel off, game on.

But, if she ices you, I'm still here.

You play it off like you were smiling and waving to me,

I wave back to you, you don't lose credibility with the room,

we move on to target number two.

It just seems a little elaborate.

It's not elaborate.

I've been a wingman a million times.

You gotta trust me on this. We need a plan.

We're gonna call it Operation Salt and Pepper.

- Do we really have to name it? - Of course we do.

What if I'm way over here and there's a hot chick right here?

"Salt and Pepper!"

Boom, we're in formation, we do it again.

Maybe I'll just walk up to a girl and be like,

"You look great in your dress blues.

What's your station like?"

"My station's pretty great.

"It's filled with a bunch of antics

and I've got a lot of great friends..."

Super long and ramble-y.

I don't even know what you're saying at that point.

No, I get that. It's just... I'm not you, so.

Ah, shoot.

I'm sorry, Andy. You're right.

It's this Celibat-ember thing, man.

It's driving me crazy. It's already been two days.

I don't know if I'm gonna last, honestly.

Oh, well, hang in there, buddy.

I mean, it's only a month total, so.

Well, I watched that movie, "28 Days Later."

They started eating each other within a month, so.

- Those are zombies. - No, they were hobos.

I got it. I got it.

Challenge coins!

It's why they invented these things, Andy!

I thought they were meant to signify your pride in the station.

No, it's to pick up chicks.

You put yours down.

If she has hers, you buy her a drink.

If she doesn't, she buys you a drink.

It's custom-made for this!

- That is pretty great. - Right?

Uh, boom!

Hi, I'm Andy Myawani.

- Do you have your challenge coin? - I don't.

Uh-oh, you gotta buy me a drink.

- We should make out. - Oh-ho, already?

Here's me. Bye, Andy.

- Where you going, Ike? - No, don't follow me.

- Oh. - Stay with her.

Ah, yes,

beat the yolk and lime zest until fluffy,

then cut into wedges and serve cold

with a large dollop of whipped cream!

Queen Elizabeth baking key lime pie is hilarious.

And it tastes great too.

You have got to come by the station

and meet the guys before the Ball.

Ooh, come over now!

I can't. I'm doing a costume fitting.

"The Ring of the Nibelung" is premiering next week

- and I'm ♪ Brunnhilde. ♪ - Okay.

Now give me Dora on skid row.

Ooh, look, mira!

A drug addict masturbating!

Can you say...

Masturbutando?

It's like I'm talking to a female Jim Carrey.

I like that. I like it a lot.

Okay, now give me one.

Oh, ooh. That just gave me chills.

Hold on, I actually like this side better.

Okay.

Uh...

- Everything okay? - Yeah.

I was just looking at these pics

and thinking about how much, like,

I love it when you change your look.

- You don't like my ponybun? - I love it.

I mean, beep, beep!

You're just... you're so hot

and you could pull off so many different hairdos

and I was just curious of, you know, like,

what another one might be.

I could just shave it all off like Taye Diggs.

That is a great idea.

Whoa!

What?

Sorry, uh, nothing.

Hey, hey, hey, I was wondering

if maybe we could use

this arm tonight.

Oh, no.

Eddie, the last guy I used this on ended up in the hospital.

You know I'm not afraid of anything.

I'm a firefighter.

There are other things we can do.

I know, but it's like climbing Mount Everest.

Like, I know I could die,

but this is the ultimate life achievement right here.

How about on my last night here,

on the night of the Firefighters' Ball...

I'm listening.

- When the clock strikes 12:00... - Mm-hmm?

I'll give you the strong arm.

That would make me Cinderella.

I don't remember Cinderella getting an HJ.

In my version, she does.

Well, then it's a deal.

See, this handshake turns me on.

Well then, I'm gonna go put on something

a little more comfortable,

and when I come back,

I'm gonna give you the weak-ie.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh!

- What's up, Chiefy? - Hey, Eddie, you got a second?

Terry, I got great news.

Donna just agreed to give me a strong arm HJ

at the Firefighters' Ball on Friday at 12:00 sharp.

Talk about the stroke of midnight, guy.

That is great news, Eddie.

I couldn't be happier right now.

I am in such a good place.

Eddie, I need to talk to you.

Terry, I gotta go.

But wait, just one second.

I just want to thank you for putting in a good word

for me on that chief job.

Wait, I haven't done that yet.

Yes, you have, but you're just not admitting it

'cause you're such a good friend.

And I really am gonna miss you when I get that chief job.

And I'll miss you, too, Eddie.

That's nice, Terry.

I know how hard it is for you to show emotions.

Oh, boy.

All right, commence Operation Andy Date.

I don't know if we should do the whole sling thing, Ike.

Andy, this is a great addition, my friend.

It has the effect of making me look incredibly weak,

subsequently, you beside me look incredibly strong.

- Mm, seems excessive. - What's up, boys?

- Hey, hey, hey. - Hey.

Hey, what happened to your arm?

Oh, I just, uh, hurt it.

I was hanging art. So wimpy, and...

Oh, you poor thing.

Uh, it's a weak arm.

Hey, Andy, Ike, this is Donna.

- Oh. - Hi, guys.

Ow.

Nice to meet you.

- Save your strength, okay? - Okay.

Take it easy, boys.

See you. And nice to meet you.

That actually hurt.

- Look at her arm. - I know.

- It was massive. - Well, I felt it.

Hey, wingman. What happened to your wing?

Oh, I just hurt it hanging art.

I'm good, though. I'm just totally fine.

Hey, Ike, Andy, this is Ophelia.

Oh, hey. Such a pleasure to meet you.

I hear you have a great sense of humor.

So it's gonna be a fun night!

Yeah, Granny was telling us you're a riot.

Oh, are you doing kegels?

No.

Oh, my gosh. What?

I'm so sorry, I didn't... a mute?

You're a mute opera singer?

That's amazing. I'm so sorry, I didn't know.

Hey, good for you! That's awesome!

Okay, no. She's not mute, man.

She's just saving her voice for her performance tomorrow.

- I understand. - Oh, that's too bad.

I hear you do great impressions.

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, she does great impressions.

Hey, please, will you do Nicki Minaj?

- Oh, Nicki Minaj. - Oh, yes!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's so good.

We listen to her all the time in the station, so...

You'll be great at the silent auction later!

Okay, okay, let's go. Thanks, guys.

She's not deaf.

- It's so brave of her to come here. - You don't have to scream.

Maybe you should be more compassionate.

You know, I gotta say, Luce, you look great tonight.

Aww, thank you. So do you.

And I really like the new hair.

It's the same, old hair, just a different comb.

Well, look at the lovebirds.

Mother! Aww.

Mm.

Oh, my.

Miss Gentry, what are you doing here?

- Isn't this awesome? - I like to party, too.

I thought I'd surprise you.

Much like Gene, I was asked on a date by a firefighter.

Yeah, you were.

- Who? - What's up, McConkey?

Hey, Wolf.

Hope you're not trying to horn in on my lady.

Unless you're into that.

Not really.

- Isn't this fun? - Oh, yeah.

We can double date all night.

Uh, awesome.

Let's hit the dance floor!

- Let's go, Luce. - Oh, everybody's howling.

Wow, the place looks great.

It's all right.

Oh, don't be a stick in the mud.

Come on, let's get a drink. Let's have some fun.

First, I gotta press the flesh.

And by the way, don't be mad at me if I don't talk to you tonight.

- It's part of the job. - Are you serious?

Yeah. You'll have fun. You know tons of people.

Hey, Tommy!

Oh, my God.

Hey, buddy, here's a C-note.

When the clock strikes midnight,

I want to play the song on here for me.

All right?

- Hey. - Hey. Where's your date?

She's cracking coconuts for the bartender.

Wow. That's a big arm.

- I'm pissed. - What's the matter?

I just found out I didn't get that chief job.

They gave it to frickin' Dooley at the shit shack.

Can you believe that? I got two years seniority on that guy

and he's got a glass eye.

Can't believe they passed you over.

I know, right?

I'm surprised no one reached out to you about it.

You're my CO. That's proper protocol, yeah?

Definitely. Absolu... yep... mm-hmm.

'Cause if they'd spoken to you,

you would've given me a great boost.

- You know I would've. - You know what?

I'm not gonna think about it tonight

'cause I'm getting a strong arm HJ.

- There you go. - How 'bout you?

You ready for your big dance?

Yeah, DJ has the music

and I got a hotel room upstairs for the night.

My salsa outfit's at the front desk.

When she's not looking,

I'm gonna go grab it and stash it upstairs.

- It's sal-sa. - Sawl-sa!

- Sal-sa. - Sawl-sa!

- You go, girl. - We sawl-sa right here!

- Sal-sa. - Right here.

Midnight!

I wish I was a husk.

Mm, I bet you do.

Hiya, Penisi!

Oh, Wolf.

Last time I saw you,

you were crying your way off the stage at the old folks' home.

Funny stuff, yeah.

It's a shame you're not gonna get

to work on your new material at Station 17.

I heard you lost that chief position to Dooley.

That's gotta hurt!

I mean, what, you got two more years of seniority

and both eyeballs?

- I didn't want it. - That's not what I heard.

Phil Dylan told me that

McConkey gave you a lousy recommendation.

- Come again? - Said Terry took you

off the short list.

Which is funny, 'cause you're the shortest guy I know.

Back up. Terry did what?

He took you off the short list.

Which is funny, 'cause you're the shortest guy I know.

That's absurd. He would never do that.

Why don't you go ask him yourself?

- I'll be right back. - Okay.

One of those for me?

These aren't for you.

That's fine. I'm lactose intolerant.

- It's coconut milk. - Makes me gassy.

What's up?

What are you doing?

Cut it out.

Did you tell the Personnel office

that I didn't want that chief job?

Um, you know what?

I don't have time for this.

I gotta take my salsa outfit upstairs

and I gotta put the rose petals on the bed.

It's sal-sa. Answer the question.

Cut it out.

Great, look what you did. We're stuck.

Answer me, Terry.

Our friendship hangs in the balance.

Did you tell them that I didn't want that chief job?