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1
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http://Scene-RLS.net
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Stuart! I want to share every
beautiful moment together. I think
we need to get you to the hospital.
3
00:00:08,880 --> 00:00:11,799
Dad! Stuart. This is Igor.Yep.
4
00:00:11,800 --> 00:00:14,039
Can you ask Kate
if she'll come over?
5
00:00:14,040 --> 00:00:16,159
That's probably a bad idea.
Please!
6
00:00:16,160 --> 00:00:17,359
April's gone into labour.
7
00:00:17,360 --> 00:00:19,719
It's a bit bloke heavy.
She wondered if you could pop over.
8
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,999
Oh, don't be so ridiculous. Why
would she want your ex-wife gawping
up her chuff?
9
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:24,919
Mum says you're having
a midlife crisis.
10
00:00:24,920 --> 00:00:26,759
I'm not the one with the yellow
Lamborghini.
11
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,719
No, you're the one dyeing your beard
and dating someone 20 years younger.
12
00:00:29,720 --> 00:00:32,719
You're a strong, powerful,
independent woman, just like me.
13
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,959
Yeah, and I'm young and I'm happy.
14
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,719
Uncle Charlie's here.
15
00:00:36,720 --> 00:00:37,799
Surprise!
16
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:40,199
I think the police might
be after me.
17
00:00:40,200 --> 00:00:41,759
You're going to end up
back in prison.
18
00:00:41,760 --> 00:00:43,599
If I'm going down,
you're going down with me.
19
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,719
What's that supposed to mean?
You're a wedding DJ.
20
00:00:45,720 --> 00:00:47,799
How do you think you got the
mortgage on this place?
21
00:00:47,800 --> 00:00:49,919
I didn't. You did. Did I?
22
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,439
WHIMPERING
23
00:00:51,440 --> 00:00:53,799
What the fuck are you doing?!
24
00:00:53,800 --> 00:00:54,839
Cut my thumb off.
25
00:00:54,840 --> 00:00:57,999
Oh, dear me, Ted, put some clothes
on. I can see your aubergine.
26
00:00:58,000 --> 00:01:00,119
Where's the thumb?
Where did you last see it?
27
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:01,719
On my fucking hand, you moron!
28
00:01:01,720 --> 00:01:02,879
BRAKES SQUEAL
29
00:01:02,880 --> 00:01:04,679
Shit. Charlie.
30
00:01:04,680 --> 00:01:08,039
Take me to hospital!
This is no longer beautiful!
31
00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,119
With you in a minute.
32
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,999
He's not here.
I haven't seen him in weeks.
33
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,799
And even if I had seen him,
which I haven't,
34
00:01:12,800 --> 00:01:14,719
I'd have been
straight on the phone to you guys.
35
00:01:14,720 --> 00:01:16,119
He's there. What?
36
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:18,519
Sorry, all. Nodded off on the bog.
37
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,999
What's happening, dude? Dad got
pissed and broke into a farm.
38
00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,839
Can you take my girlfriend?
Why?
39
00:01:22,840 --> 00:01:24,519
I'm having a baby.
40
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:27,559
This is the best day of my life!
41
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:28,760
Yep.
42
00:01:43,280 --> 00:01:46,120
FIRE ALARM BEEPING
BABY CRYING
43
00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:52,279
Come on!
44
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:53,479
Stop it!
45
00:01:53,480 --> 00:01:54,520
Shit!
46
00:01:56,280 --> 00:01:58,639
Shit, shit, shit!
47
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,679
Oh, you stupid bastard.
48
00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,800
Not you, sweetheart.
49
00:02:02,840 --> 00:02:04,039
Oh, look...
50
00:02:04,040 --> 00:02:06,359
..bad noise all gone away,
hasn't it?
51
00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,439
All gone away now.
52
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:09,160
- BABY CRIES
- No, no, no, no.
53
00:02:09,163 --> 00:02:11,759
# Shush, little Bertha,
don't say a word
54
00:02:11,760 --> 00:02:12,799
# Daddy's... #
55
00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,039
Bollocks!
56
00:02:14,040 --> 00:02:16,479
Oh, come on!
No, no, no, no. No more tears.
57
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:19,479
Daddy Bear's got to make everything
right with Mummy Bear, otherwise
58
00:02:19,480 --> 00:02:22,439
Mummy Bear's going to leave the cave
and take Baby Bear with her.
59
00:02:22,440 --> 00:02:24,399
You found the batteries
for the alarm, then.
60
00:02:24,400 --> 00:02:25,999
Stop taking them out!
61
00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,319
I need peace
and quiet to smoke a bong.
62
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:30,599
I've told you, bong in the shed.
Shh...
63
00:02:30,600 --> 00:02:32,559
Where's the cucumber?!
64
00:02:32,560 --> 00:02:33,959
I need to fix my puffy eyes.
65
00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:36,639
April's going to be here in
a minute. You promised me you'd be
gone.
66
00:02:36,640 --> 00:02:38,199
This...
67
00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:39,239
..takes time.
68
00:02:39,240 --> 00:02:40,679
She's sick of seeing you naked.
69
00:02:40,680 --> 00:02:42,039
Why do you think she walked out?
70
00:02:42,040 --> 00:02:43,679
Needed to go back to school?
71
00:02:43,680 --> 00:02:45,079
She's 28.
72
00:02:45,080 --> 00:02:47,199
All right. Since you asked,
73
00:02:47,200 --> 00:02:49,799
you're always wanging on about
your dicky bowels,
74
00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,079
you're a shite chef,
75
00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:52,799
and you ruined your anniversary.
76
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:53,919
Whose side are you on?
77
00:02:53,920 --> 00:02:55,439
Oh, stop your flapping.
78
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:58,719
Whenever your mother was pissed off,
I'd buy her a Yorkie bar
79
00:02:58,720 --> 00:03:00,239
and have a go at sex.
80
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:01,999
BABY CRIES
81
00:03:02,000 --> 00:03:03,719
Shh...
82
00:03:03,720 --> 00:03:05,440
BABY STOPS CRYING
83
00:03:07,440 --> 00:03:09,320
- Unbelievable.
- CAR HORN BEEPS
84
00:03:09,323 --> 00:03:11,039
Oh, God, she's here! Hurry up!
85
00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:13,640
I can't leave without
doing my spray tan.
86
00:03:18,440 --> 00:03:20,080
OK.
87
00:03:20,081 --> 00:03:21,719
TAKES A DEEP BREATH
88
00:03:21,720 --> 00:03:22,839
Hey...
89
00:03:22,840 --> 00:03:24,039
..welcome home, Mummy Bear.
90
00:03:24,040 --> 00:03:25,359
Hi.
91
00:03:25,360 --> 00:03:27,239
You look great. Thanks.
92
00:03:27,240 --> 00:03:28,359
You look very pale.
93
00:03:28,360 --> 00:03:29,999
No, I'm fine. Totally fine.
94
00:03:30,000 --> 00:03:31,799
Say hello to Mummy.
95
00:03:31,800 --> 00:03:33,199
Doesn't she look pretty?
96
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:34,879
Say, "I missed you, Mummy Bear."
97
00:03:34,880 --> 00:03:36,279
Hello, sweetheart.
98
00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:37,719
Did you have a nice time with Daddy?
99
00:03:37,720 --> 00:03:39,400
- BABY VOICE
- No, a bit teary, Mummy.
100
00:03:39,403 --> 00:03:41,359
A bit shouty.
101
00:03:41,360 --> 00:03:44,399
Me and Daddy Bear missed you
so much.
102
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,439
Did you manage to...
103
00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,280
- NORMAL VOICE
- Sorry. Did you manage to relax?
104
00:03:47,281 --> 00:03:48,359
It wasn't a holiday, Stu.
105
00:03:48,360 --> 00:03:49,679
No.
106
00:03:49,680 --> 00:03:50,799
How was the spa?
107
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:53,239
Amazing. The shiatsus were insane.
108
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:55,359
Great. Did Baby Bear sleep?
109
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,439
Not at night.
110
00:03:56,440 --> 00:03:58,279
Oh, you poor thing.
111
00:03:58,280 --> 00:03:59,519
CHARLIE CLEARS HIS THROAT
112
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:00,919
Can Uncle Bear go now?
113
00:04:00,920 --> 00:04:02,159
Get the bags.
114
00:04:02,160 --> 00:04:04,519
You're wearing the dream catcher.
I thought you hated it.
115
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:05,719
No, I love it.
116
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,640
I haven't taken it off
since you left.
117
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,240
I'll go and put her down.
118
00:04:13,080 --> 00:04:14,799
Thanks for picking up April.
119
00:04:14,800 --> 00:04:17,599
So how did she seem?
Did she talk about me?
120
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,439
I dunno, I had the footy on.
121
00:04:19,440 --> 00:04:20,560
Can I have me cash now?
122
00:04:22,080 --> 00:04:23,999
How can you afford
a five-star hotel?
123
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,239
I can't, really.
124
00:04:25,240 --> 00:04:27,679
Women, eh? Expensive tastes.
125
00:04:27,680 --> 00:04:28,919
That's why I stay single.
126
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,119
Yeah. That's why.
127
00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:33,559
Are you still all right to look
after Bertha for a couple of hours?
Eh?
128
00:04:33,560 --> 00:04:34,799
You said you could babysit.
129
00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:37,319
Are you sure that was me?
Charlie! I've got plans.
130
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:38,959
What plans?
131
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:40,279
40 quid. A fiver.
132
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:41,439
Deal.
133
00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:43,160
That makes you look like a wanker.
134
00:04:47,280 --> 00:04:49,799
Wait! Wait, wait!
135
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,279
Close your eyes.
136
00:04:51,280 --> 00:04:54,079
Stu, you haven't done anything
special, have you?
137
00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,760
Close your eyes.
138
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:00,240
Ta-da!
139
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:06,439
Oh, you've gone to so much trouble.
140
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:08,199
Yep.
141
00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:09,959
God, is that your IBS?
142
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:11,119
No, it's lunch.
143
00:05:11,120 --> 00:05:12,319
Take a seat.
144
00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:13,920
I'll pour you a drink.
145
00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,280
Thanks.Pleasure.
146
00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:26,519
Do you like it?
147
00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,199
It's lush. Bloke in the shop said
it goes great with fish.
148
00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:30,479
Oh, we're having fish?
149
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,079
No. Beef.
150
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:34,439
April. Lovely to have you back.
151
00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:35,799
Dad, what do you want?
152
00:05:35,800 --> 00:05:37,599
Ross Kemp On Gangs.
153
00:05:37,600 --> 00:05:39,959
How do you series link?
We're in the middle of something.
154
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,999
I'm not missing my fix
of the bald beast just
155
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,559
because you two have had a wee tiff.
156
00:05:43,560 --> 00:05:45,959
It was more than just a tiff,
Willie.
157
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:47,239
How was your holiday?
158
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,359
It wasn't a holiday.
159
00:05:48,360 --> 00:05:51,079
It was a time for reflection
and rejuvenation.
160
00:05:51,080 --> 00:05:52,839
Aye. A holiday.
161
00:05:52,840 --> 00:05:54,599
Right, it's done now. Can you go?
162
00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:55,799
As you wish.
163
00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:58,079
This anus won't bleach itself.
164
00:05:58,080 --> 00:06:00,199
Oh, Christ!
165
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:01,679
I have told him.
166
00:06:01,680 --> 00:06:04,759
Look, you know that I think that
Willie is bonkers-tastic,
167
00:06:04,760 --> 00:06:07,319
but it's just we do have Bertha to
consider. I know.
168
00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,519
And he's always got so many randoms
up there.
169
00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:12,239
I mean, there was an Amazon delivery
man in his room for two days,
170
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:14,119
and the noises! Mmm.
171
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:16,600
But, look, this isn't about Willie.
172
00:06:19,000 --> 00:06:21,439
I'm really sorry
I spoilt the anniversary.
173
00:06:21,440 --> 00:06:23,999
I know you are. But if you'd just
listen to me in the first place,
174
00:06:24,000 --> 00:06:25,839
you wouldn't keep having
panic attacks.
175
00:06:25,840 --> 00:06:27,919
I'm not used to camping.
Glamping.
176
00:06:27,920 --> 00:06:29,519
Go and see my spiritualist.
177
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,719
You can't cure panic attacks
with crystals.
178
00:06:31,720 --> 00:06:33,279
We've been through this.
179
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,999
You can.
180
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,039
I don't know, I miss the Stuart that
I met in Magaluf.
181
00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,799
The one who bought me chips
and stole a pedalo.
182
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,599
I only said I stole it to look sexy.
183
00:06:42,600 --> 00:06:45,359
Exactly. You were impulsive.
184
00:06:45,360 --> 00:06:46,760
And it feels like you've...
185
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,039
..given up on life.
186
00:06:49,040 --> 00:06:51,239
We've got a baby.
I've been awake for three days.
187
00:06:51,240 --> 00:06:54,439
I know plenty of people with babies,
and they still manage to have fun.
188
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:55,879
Really, it's what nannies are for.
189
00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,919
Please, not nannies now.
We can't afford it.
190
00:06:57,920 --> 00:06:59,399
It's not about the money.
191
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:01,679
It's about finding out who
we really are.
192
00:07:01,680 --> 00:07:04,199
Diving into the unknown.
Seizing the day.
193
00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,359
I do seize the day.
194
00:07:05,360 --> 00:07:07,479
I grew this cos you
said it'd make me look hip.
195
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:08,879
And it does.
196
00:07:08,880 --> 00:07:11,159
You look so natty.
197
00:07:11,160 --> 00:07:12,559
But...
198
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:13,999
..it's not enough.
199
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:15,599
Do you want me to wax something?
200
00:07:15,600 --> 00:07:17,360
BERTHA CRIES
201
00:07:19,200 --> 00:07:22,039
I... No. You don't need to.
Charlie's looking after her.
202
00:07:22,040 --> 00:07:23,199
Is he charging you again?
203
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:24,239
No.
204
00:07:24,240 --> 00:07:25,639
He doesn't even pay rent!
205
00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,839
No wonder we can't afford a nanny.
I know, but I owe him.
206
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:29,359
He sorted out the mortgage for me.
207
00:07:29,360 --> 00:07:30,879
Doesn't mean it's his house.
208
00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:32,799
I'm just going to give her
some fresh air.
209
00:07:32,800 --> 00:07:33,999
Have you got her milk?
210
00:07:34,000 --> 00:07:35,799
No, I finished it. Charlie...
211
00:07:35,800 --> 00:07:37,000
Joke!
212
00:07:38,680 --> 00:07:41,519
I would have asked Kate to look
after her, but... I do like Kate,
213
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:43,279
but she's your ex-wife.
214
00:07:43,280 --> 00:07:45,079
And she's great
and everything, you know,
215
00:07:45,080 --> 00:07:48,039
so much energy for someone of
her age, but...
216
00:07:48,040 --> 00:07:49,679
..it's just that I'm yin
217
00:07:49,680 --> 00:07:51,519
and she is incredibly yang,
218
00:07:51,520 --> 00:07:53,519
and I just don't think it's
a good idea for Bertha
219
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,359
to be around so much yang.
220
00:07:55,360 --> 00:07:56,600
Do you?
221
00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:00,359
You hungry?
222
00:08:00,360 --> 00:08:02,239
Starving. Charlie ate my breakfast.
223
00:08:02,240 --> 00:08:03,360
Lunch?
224
00:08:10,600 --> 00:08:11,640
Oh, God...
225
00:08:16,920 --> 00:08:18,080
You piss off.
226
00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:35,640
Oh...
227
00:08:55,320 --> 00:08:57,439
Hummus and baby sausages.
228
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,039
I thought we were having beef.
229
00:08:59,040 --> 00:09:00,719
Beef's a bit...
230
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:01,840
..black.
231
00:09:03,440 --> 00:09:05,479
So this is lunch?
232
00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:07,319
Yeah.
233
00:09:07,320 --> 00:09:08,599
DOOR CLOSES
234
00:09:08,600 --> 00:09:09,840
Out like a light.
235
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,640
MUFFLED: I like that.
236
00:09:27,320 --> 00:09:28,879
You not having any?
237
00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:30,399
It just looks a bit...
238
00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:32,719
..yucky.
239
00:09:32,720 --> 00:09:33,760
Right.
240
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:36,079
I know.
241
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:37,599
Why don't we have chips?
242
00:09:37,600 --> 00:09:39,400
Chips? Yeah, fuck it!
243
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:42,199
Leave it with me.
244
00:09:42,200 --> 00:09:43,400
Back in a minute.
245
00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:48,440
WATER GURGLING
246
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,239
Nothing.
247
00:09:51,240 --> 00:09:52,399
Dad, shed!
248
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:53,839
I'm not an animal!
249
00:09:53,840 --> 00:09:56,039
I'm busy, Stu.
I need you to go to the chippy.
250
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,279
I'm baby-sitting.
Well, I'll listen out for her.
251
00:09:58,280 --> 00:09:59,599
What's in it for the C-man?
252
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:01,039
Don't call yourself that.
253
00:10:01,040 --> 00:10:02,919
20 quid.
It won't cost that much.
254
00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:04,119
That's just my fee.
255
00:10:04,120 --> 00:10:05,279
Plus 20 quid for the chips.
256
00:10:05,280 --> 00:10:06,559
Come on, Stu!
257
00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:07,920
All right, fine.
258
00:10:09,480 --> 00:10:10,599
Two cod and chips.
259
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:13,119
Ooh... That hotel breakfast never
really touched the sides.
260
00:10:13,120 --> 00:10:15,999
Oh, Jesus! And whatever you're
having. Ta very much.
261
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,719
Big chips and a pair of saveloy.
262
00:10:17,720 --> 00:10:19,840
The PIN number's...
Yeah, I know what it is.
263
00:10:22,160 --> 00:10:23,280
Chips are on the way.
264
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,999
Look, Stuart... Mmm!
265
00:10:29,000 --> 00:10:30,919
..I'm not sure that...
266
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:31,960
..this...
267
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:35,240
..is going to fix things.
268
00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:39,399
Maybe we need some proper
time apart.
269
00:10:39,400 --> 00:10:41,239
No.
270
00:10:41,240 --> 00:10:42,359
I really want this to work.
271
00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,439
I know things haven't been great,
and I'm sorry...
272
00:10:44,440 --> 00:10:46,399
BARRY, SHOUTING: You ruined my
weekend, woman!
273
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,719
SANDY, SHOUTING: Oh, grow up!
I just want you to be happy.
274
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:51,799
I was looking forward to a cocktail
and an alfresco soak.
275
00:10:51,800 --> 00:10:52,959
Have a bath!
276
00:10:52,960 --> 00:10:54,479
I want us to be a team.
277
00:10:54,480 --> 00:10:55,639
I need you.
278
00:10:55,640 --> 00:10:56,759
It's not the same.
279
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,239
I want to feel the breeze!
280
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:00,759
I don't want to lose another family.
281
00:11:00,760 --> 00:11:03,199
Then why don't you blow yourself?
282
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:05,079
It's always about sex with you!
283
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,399
You've got sex on the brain!
284
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:10,799
I promise I will try and find more
time for us to meditate together.
285
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:11,959
Kiss my ass!
286
00:11:11,960 --> 00:11:13,999
Oh, God, they never stop!
I'll deal with it.
287
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:16,959
You said you weren't going to drink
after you popped your hip.
288
00:11:16,960 --> 00:11:20,359
I wasn't drunk,
I was having a diabetic episode.
289
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:21,959
Because you were drunk.
290
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,519
I've got a gippy pancreas.
291
00:11:23,520 --> 00:11:25,799
And you're drunk now!
292
00:11:25,800 --> 00:11:27,479
So what?
293
00:11:27,480 --> 00:11:28,959
Can you keep it down, please?
294
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,199
Talk to him!
295
00:11:30,200 --> 00:11:32,399
What's going on?
I'll tell you what's going on,
296
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:35,759
I was planning an afternoon of
bubbles and Campari in the hot tub,
297
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:38,399
and she threw a great big
spanner in the works.
298
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,519
It's my hot tub too!
299
00:11:40,520 --> 00:11:42,239
I'm bloody leasing it!
300
00:11:42,240 --> 00:11:45,079
I shouldn't have to share it
with Ted's lobsters.
301
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:49,799
You'd think a fish salesman would
have somewhere to keep his fish!
302
00:11:49,800 --> 00:11:51,879
Why is Ted keeping
lobsters in your...?
303
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:53,079
Look, forget it.
304
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:54,559
Please keep the noise down.
305
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,399
I'm trying to save my
relationship, here.
306
00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:58,479
Let me give you some advice, Stu.
307
00:11:58,480 --> 00:12:00,999
Make sure you listen to her body.
308
00:12:01,000 --> 00:12:03,519
Oh, dial it back, woman.
309
00:12:03,520 --> 00:12:05,040
Suck my dick!
310
00:12:08,080 --> 00:12:10,079
Snazzy dream catcher.Thanks.
311
00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,439
If you have to do any more shouting,
could you do it inside?
312
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:13,560
Roger that.
313
00:12:22,320 --> 00:12:25,199
Ted's put a load of lobsters...
I don't care.
314
00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,279
Look, what can I do to make
things better?
315
00:12:27,280 --> 00:12:28,919
I don't know.
316
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,039
You stopped being fun.
317
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,679
Spontaneous.
318
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:34,839
You were always doing silly stuff.
319
00:12:34,840 --> 00:12:37,199
Like that thing that you used to do.
320
00:12:37,200 --> 00:12:39,080
What thing? That thing.
321
00:12:44,920 --> 00:12:49,120
ARMPIT SQUEAKS
322
00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:01,280
What are you doing?
323
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:07,119
Stuart, a wee word.
324
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,960
Can it wait? No, it cannot.
325
00:13:16,160 --> 00:13:18,239
What do you want?
Where's my hummus?
326
00:13:18,240 --> 00:13:20,319
Was that my hummus?
Yes. I've eaten it.
327
00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:21,999
Can you not read simple
instructions?
328
00:13:22,000 --> 00:13:23,839
That was for my night out.
329
00:13:23,840 --> 00:13:25,879
Dad, I am trying to
save my relationship.
330
00:13:25,880 --> 00:13:28,479
I don't give a shit about hummus.
Just buy some more.
331
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:29,639
I can't buy some more.
332
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,319
That was my special hummus.
333
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:34,440
What are you talking about?
What do you think?
334
00:13:35,800 --> 00:13:36,879
Oh, God, no.
335
00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:38,119
Oh, yes.
336
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:40,879
Enough magic mushrooms in there
to kill a hippo.
337
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:42,199
But I've just eaten it all.
338
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,159
The lot? Yeah.
339
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:46,319
Oh, that's funny!
340
00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,719
Why the fuck did you put
drugs in the hummus?
341
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:51,959
How else would you suggest I
spice up a salsa class?
342
00:13:51,960 --> 00:13:53,559
Oh... Oh, God...
343
00:13:53,560 --> 00:13:54,919
What's going to happen to me?
344
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,399
You'll be fine.
345
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,079
Will I? Aye.
346
00:13:58,080 --> 00:14:00,799
You'll feel the insides of your mind
folding in on themselves
347
00:14:00,800 --> 00:14:04,439
until you have the existential
realisation that your very soul
348
00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:06,279
doesn't even exist.
349
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,039
I'd advise nappies.
350
00:14:08,040 --> 00:14:09,399
Oh, God!
351
00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:11,079
What about me and April?
352
00:14:11,080 --> 00:14:12,439
Better work fast.
353
00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:14,559
How could you be so irresponsible?!
354
00:14:14,560 --> 00:14:16,679
You owe me 100 quid.
355
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:18,960
And that thing makes you
look like a tosspot.
356
00:14:20,240 --> 00:14:21,919
Oh, shit, shit, shit!
357
00:14:21,920 --> 00:14:23,799
Shit!
358
00:14:23,800 --> 00:14:25,599
HE RETCHES
359
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,799
Stu, are you all right?
360
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:28,239
What are you doing?
361
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,679
Nothing.
362
00:14:29,680 --> 00:14:31,319
Do you want...
363
00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:32,999
..cheese? No, I'm fine.
364
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,440
I'll wait for the chips.
365
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:41,159
What's the matter?
366
00:14:41,160 --> 00:14:42,559
I don't feel very well.
367
00:14:42,560 --> 00:14:44,879
Oh, God. IBS?
368
00:14:44,880 --> 00:14:46,039
Yep.
369
00:14:46,040 --> 00:14:47,520
Can you give us a minute?
370
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:56,400
BONG GURGLING
371
00:15:05,600 --> 00:15:07,559
Oh, pull yourself together, Stu.
372
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,960
How bad can it be?
373
00:15:16,720 --> 00:15:20,000
LOUD, DISTORTED MUSIC PLAYS
374
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:28,520
MUSIC: What Do You Want
by Adam Faith
375
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,719
You can hear that too, right?
376
00:15:40,720 --> 00:15:42,879
I just don't think you're taking
this seriously.
377
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:43,999
Yes, I am.
378
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:45,239
Of course I am.
379
00:15:45,240 --> 00:15:46,839
Please don't leave me.
Look, Stu...
380
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,159
I'll change. I promise.
381
00:15:48,160 --> 00:15:49,719
SANDY, SHOUTING: Turn that shit off!
382
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:51,559
Oh, God, they're going to
wake up Bertha.No.
383
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,639
I'll check on her.
It's your day. You...
384
00:15:53,640 --> 00:15:56,679
..relax.
I said, turn that shit off!
385
00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,839
This shit got me
through my second divorce.
386
00:16:00,840 --> 00:16:04,199
Well, right now
you're heading for a third.
387
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:05,280
What the fuck?
388
00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:08,799
Oh, God!
389
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,239
Dad. Dad!
390
00:16:10,240 --> 00:16:11,639
I'm busy. Is Bertha in there?
391
00:16:11,640 --> 00:16:13,400
No! Oh, Christ!
392
00:16:15,200 --> 00:16:16,600
Where the...?
393
00:16:17,920 --> 00:16:19,999
Where are you? Where are you?
394
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,280
Oh, no!
395
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:24,799
Oh, God, no...
396
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:27,639
Oh, God...
It's always about what Sandy wants.
397
00:16:27,640 --> 00:16:28,879
What about me?
398
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:32,279
Oh, don't be such
a big fucking baby!
399
00:16:32,280 --> 00:16:34,919
I've had enough of this.
I'm ending it right now.
400
00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:36,839
You don't joke about that
kind of thing.
401
00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:38,599
Oh, I'm deadly serious!
402
00:16:38,600 --> 00:16:40,479
Barry? Open this door.
403
00:16:40,480 --> 00:16:41,639
You're scaring me.
404
00:16:41,640 --> 00:16:44,039
Oh... No, no, no, no, no, no...
405
00:16:44,040 --> 00:16:45,560
No, no, no!
406
00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:51,039
You're here.
Charlie said you had gone out.
407
00:16:51,040 --> 00:16:53,679
No. Why have you got Bertha?
He said he was at his wits' end.
408
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,759
For fuck's sake!
He's only had her for ten minutes.
409
00:16:55,760 --> 00:16:57,999
Right. Well, you have to take her
back. Ted's on his way.
410
00:16:58,000 --> 00:17:00,399
I've got to get these bloody
lobsters from Barry's hot tub.
411
00:17:00,400 --> 00:17:02,439
Stuart, what are you doing?
Quick, give her here!
412
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:03,560
You're welcome.
413
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:05,799
She's fine.
414
00:17:05,800 --> 00:17:07,839
I just brought her down... to
show you.
415
00:17:07,840 --> 00:17:09,359
Show me what?
416
00:17:09,360 --> 00:17:10,719
She's awake.
417
00:17:10,720 --> 00:17:12,879
Great. Well done.
418
00:17:12,880 --> 00:17:16,439
Why does Daddy Bear think it helps,
getting you out of bed?
419
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:18,399
Silly, stupid Daddy Bear.
420
00:17:18,400 --> 00:17:20,599
Barry? Oh, God, Kate, do something!
421
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:22,440
- He won't answer me!
- DOORBELL RINGS
422
00:17:22,443 --> 00:17:24,360
Stuart!
Oh, Christ, now what?
423
00:17:26,360 --> 00:17:28,119
Oh, hi, Kate.
424
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:29,639
You need to get out here right now.
425
00:17:29,640 --> 00:17:31,839
I think Barry's going to do
something stupid.
426
00:17:31,840 --> 00:17:33,800
Stuart! Back in a minute!
427
00:17:36,400 --> 00:17:37,959
Barry!
428
00:17:37,960 --> 00:17:40,079
Please!
429
00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,519
He just told me he's going
to end it.
430
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:43,719
Go and talk to him.
431
00:17:43,720 --> 00:17:44,799
What about April?
432
00:17:44,800 --> 00:17:46,159
We're on a day date.
433
00:17:46,160 --> 00:17:47,319
A what?
434
00:17:47,320 --> 00:17:48,879
Stuart, he's your friend.
435
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:49,959
Please, Stu.
436
00:17:49,960 --> 00:17:52,799
I know he's an asshole,
but he's MY asshole.
437
00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:54,440
Oh...
438
00:17:56,160 --> 00:17:58,759
Barry, are you in there?
Of course he's bloody in there.
439
00:17:58,760 --> 00:18:01,039
Barry, maybe don't do anything
silly, eh?
440
00:18:01,040 --> 00:18:02,519
What's going on?
441
00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:03,999
Barry's locked himself in his van.
442
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:05,559
He said he's going to end it.
443
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:06,599
Plum.
444
00:18:06,600 --> 00:18:09,279
Got some fireworks in the loft.
Stick a rocket through the window -
445
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,759
that'll smoke him out.
Ted, it's not funny. Get him out.
446
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:13,479
Out the way, woman.
447
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,559
I've got this.
448
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:16,279
Fine. Knock yourself out.
449
00:18:16,280 --> 00:18:17,439
Barry!
450
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:20,119
I'm sorry about the lobsters.
451
00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:22,839
Is that a necklace?
452
00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,999
It's a dream catcher.
You having a breakdown?
453
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,239
April got it for me.
454
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:27,479
It's for his night terrors.
455
00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,919
Absolute bellend. Get out the way.
I'll break the window.
456
00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:31,239
Good idea.
457
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,759
BARRY: You bloody well will not.
458
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,519
Oh, Barry! Thank God!
459
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,079
No. Stay back.
460
00:18:36,080 --> 00:18:38,119
Just you, Stuart. Get in.
461
00:18:38,120 --> 00:18:39,160
Oh...
462
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,959
Don't end it, Barry. Not like this.
463
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:48,599
It's already done.
464
00:18:48,600 --> 00:18:49,639
What do you mean?
465
00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:51,799
I've cancelled the finance
agreement on the hot tub.
466
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:53,159
That'll show her.
467
00:18:53,160 --> 00:18:55,319
Oh, thank Christ!
468
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:58,119
I'll let her sweat for a bit longer.
469
00:18:58,120 --> 00:19:00,199
You and me, eh, Stu?
470
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,839
We'll show 'em who's in charge.
471
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:04,599
Everything's gone wrong, Barry.
472
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:05,919
Oh, this is nothing.
473
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:08,559
She lobbed a tagine at me
when we were in Marrakech.
474
00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:09,919
Lamb everywhere.
475
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,439
I mean April.
476
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:14,479
It's a roller-coaster, dude.
Got to ride it.
477
00:19:14,480 --> 00:19:16,879
In the beginning it's all
day trips to the beach
478
00:19:16,880 --> 00:19:19,519
and hand jobs under the pier,
but before you know it,
479
00:19:19,520 --> 00:19:22,599
they're shouting about your toenails
and winking at the dentist.
480
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,999
I can't ruin another relationship.
481
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:27,079
I try. I try so hard.
482
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:28,799
But everything I do goes wrong.
483
00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,319
What have you done now?
484
00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,079
She thinks I'm no fun.
485
00:19:32,080 --> 00:19:33,599
I made shitty beef.
486
00:19:33,600 --> 00:19:35,119
Charlie's bleeding me dry.
487
00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:36,879
My IBS is out of control.
488
00:19:36,880 --> 00:19:40,119
She hates my banner, and now I've
eaten a tub of dad's drugs.
489
00:19:40,120 --> 00:19:41,319
Gordon Bennett.
490
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:43,439
This is going to be Kate
all over again.
491
00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:45,599
She'll probably find someone
better over the road.
492
00:19:45,600 --> 00:19:48,519
Well, I shouldn't worry about that.
There's only Clive at number eight,
493
00:19:48,520 --> 00:19:50,519
and I'm pretty sure he's
a paedophile.
494
00:19:50,520 --> 00:19:51,919
Oh!
495
00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:58,200
HE SOBS AND WHIMPERS
496
00:20:22,640 --> 00:20:24,119
Are you asleep?
497
00:20:24,120 --> 00:20:27,479
I don't wish to cause undue alarm...
498
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:28,519
What's wrong?
499
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:30,639
I don't feel very well.
500
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,759
Why?
501
00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,959
Sugar. What?
502
00:20:33,960 --> 00:20:36,799
Need sugar.
503
00:20:36,800 --> 00:20:38,520
Oh, shit.
504
00:20:42,920 --> 00:20:44,440
Oh, fuck!
505
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,399
Help! There's something wrong!
506
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:52,919
He's gone all weird!
507
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,399
Keeps saying "sugar".
508
00:20:54,400 --> 00:20:56,079
The handle's broken.
I can't get out!
509
00:20:56,080 --> 00:20:58,079
Oh, my God! It's his diabetes.
510
00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,199
What do I do?! What do I do?!
He needs a Coke.
511
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:01,599
Oh, I've got some in the van.
512
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,799
Oh, fuck, shit, shit, shit.
513
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:04,879
Please don't die.
514
00:21:04,880 --> 00:21:06,599
STOMACH RUMBLES, HE BELCHES
515
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:07,999
Oh, God.
516
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,879
Can you smell hummus?
517
00:21:09,880 --> 00:21:11,240
Oi! Take it!
518
00:21:14,360 --> 00:21:17,079
Hurry up! Hurry up!
519
00:21:17,080 --> 00:21:19,559
Come on!
520
00:21:19,560 --> 00:21:22,120
Sips! Sips, not gulps -
you'll drown him!
521
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:25,559
Please could you stop
shouting at me?
522
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:26,759
I've taken drugs.
523
00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:28,159
This isn't Glastonbury!
524
00:21:28,160 --> 00:21:29,599
My mouth's gone all dry.
525
00:21:29,600 --> 00:21:31,839
Oh, pull yourself together.
What have you taken?
526
00:21:31,840 --> 00:21:33,639
Mushrooms. Oh, you tit.
527
00:21:33,640 --> 00:21:35,079
You're absolutely useless.
528
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:36,400
Have you been crying?
529
00:21:39,560 --> 00:21:41,679
KATE: Oh, God, Ted!
530
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,079
I don't feel very well!
TED: Christ!
531
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,279
What's happening?
532
00:21:45,280 --> 00:21:47,519
Barry? Are you OK?
533
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,519
Better than Stuart,
by the looks of him.
534
00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:51,319
Can someone please get me
out of here?
535
00:21:51,320 --> 00:21:53,639
I can taste hummus!
Spit it out.
536
00:21:53,640 --> 00:21:54,759
APRIL: Where's Stuart?
537
00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:56,279
He's locked himself in the van.
538
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:58,439
Stu? Oh, no... It stinks.
539
00:21:58,440 --> 00:21:59,799
Stu, darling...
540
00:21:59,800 --> 00:22:01,479
..I'm here.
541
00:22:01,480 --> 00:22:03,079
I'm so sorry, April.
542
00:22:03,080 --> 00:22:05,959
Don't be - I think it's amazing!
543
00:22:05,960 --> 00:22:08,319
What? Willie told me everything.
544
00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:10,199
You took drugs just for me!
545
00:22:10,200 --> 00:22:11,519
Er...
546
00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:13,519
This is the Stuart that
I was talking about,
547
00:22:13,520 --> 00:22:17,319
the kind of Stuart that takes
shrooms and locks himself in a van.
548
00:22:17,320 --> 00:22:19,039
It's so nutty!
549
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:20,839
I love it!
550
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:22,039
Yup.
551
00:22:22,040 --> 00:22:23,839
Let's go to a moonlight
party in Lima,
552
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:26,919
take MDMA on the beach
and watch the sun come up.
553
00:22:26,920 --> 00:22:28,039
Yep.
554
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:29,759
This is exactly the date I want.
555
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:31,879
Chips in a van with a guy on drugs.
556
00:22:31,880 --> 00:22:34,319
It's so mental!
557
00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,479
TED: You are fucking dead, mate!
558
00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:37,639
Oh, Stu,
559
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:40,840
you're about to go absolutely
bonkers.
560
00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:43,720
Have we got any big nappies?
561
00:22:47,520 --> 00:22:49,399
You were amazing last night.
562
00:22:49,400 --> 00:22:50,479
Thanks.
563
00:22:50,480 --> 00:22:51,599
Sorry about the noises.
564
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:53,479
Healthy body, healthy balls.
565
00:22:53,480 --> 00:22:55,639
I've asked you not to bring
strangers into the house.
566
00:22:55,640 --> 00:22:57,119
It makes April feel uncomfortable.
567
00:22:57,120 --> 00:22:58,879
I'll be as quiet as a mouse.
568
00:22:58,880 --> 00:23:01,239
A great big randy mouse.
569
00:23:01,240 --> 00:23:02,639
Hi, Stu.
570
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:05,239
It's vital you're aware
of her whims.
571
00:23:05,240 --> 00:23:07,359
You don't want her squirting
up your curtains.
572
00:23:07,360 --> 00:23:08,919
Blue ones under the tongue,
573
00:23:08,920 --> 00:23:11,279
red ones right up inside the anus.
574
00:23:11,280 --> 00:23:13,519
I am the invisible man.
I do not exist.
575
00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:14,999
Dad's turned on location services.
576
00:23:15,000 --> 00:23:16,159
Shit!
577
00:23:16,160 --> 00:23:17,359
Well, what is it, dickhead?
578
00:23:17,360 --> 00:23:18,959
He's dead. Fuck off.
579
00:23:18,960 --> 00:23:20,140
Hey!
580
00:23:20,141 --> 00:23:21,320
TED SCREAMS
39621
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