Original subtitles

(jaunty music)

- Well you're up bright and early this morning.

- Well early to bed and early to rise

makes a Martian healthy, wealthy, and perkle.

(laughter)

- Perkle?

- It's a Martian quality.

You wouldn't understand.

- Cute.

But the flashlight's already been invented.

- Careful with that.

In the wrong hands this could be a terrible weapon.

- Well it looks innocent enough.

- Vesuvius was just a pile of rocks

until Mother Nature put together the right ingredients

and blew its top.

- What is that thing?

- You remember my Martian benevolence bulb?

The one that backfired on Earthmen

and made everyone hate each other?

- Oh yeah, yeah.

That was the greatest boon to mankind

since the Black Plague.

(laughter)

- Let's not get sarcastic.

Anyhow I figured out what went wrong.

- Oh?

You mean this one'll work on, pardon the expression,

us humans?

- Well there may be a few little bugs in it yet.

But if you aim this at someone and push this little button

that person is going to become

the sweetest, friendliest person this side of me.

Of course I haven't tested it yet.

- Yeah well I don't know, Uncle Martin.

I mean, your inventions always seem to work all right

under Martian conditions,

but here on Earth they all turn to glue.

- Well can I help it if even the atmosphere on Earth

is backward?

(person knocking)

(ethereal music)

Brennan!

- The one headache no aspirin can cure.

(laughter)

- Good morning, O'Hara.

Good morning, O'Hara.

- There's an echo in here.

- I'm looking for Lorelei.

Have you seen her?

Ooh another one of your crackpot inventions.

- Brennan, why can't your mind be as open

as your mouth always is?

(laughter)

- A grown man playing with gadgets.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

- Ooh.

- I've been reading some of your stories in the paper.

- Really?

- Where'd you study journalism?

In a garage?

(laughter)

- Ah, good old Brennan, always starts the day

with a nice, kind word.

Look, why don't you try being nice?

- But I am nice.

If I were any nicer I'd make myself sick.

Well Lorelei and I will be having coffee outside.

Oh, I hope you won't spoil it

by coming out where we can see you.

I have a very delicate stomach.

(laughter)

(instrumental music)

- No, no, no, no, Tim.

Don't!

- Can't even make a flashlight work.

Some invention.

(woman singing indistinctly)

Ah there she is now.

Well don't think it hasn't been charming,

because it hasn't.

- Well, it didn't work.

There's another great idea gone to pot.

- You're wrong, Tim.

I should have warned you not to use it.

Now Brennan's in real trouble.

- You promise?

(jaunty music)

(ethereal music)

(electronic beeping)

(jaunty music)

(jaunty music)

Well I said it might have bug in it.

- Well I suspect it has a whole herd,

or a flock, or whatever it is that bugs come in,

but it obviously didn't work.

- Oh it worked all right.

But you held it on too long.

You broke it.

- Oh.

Well.

What about Brennan?

I mean he's still the same old obnoxious person that we know

and dislike so well.

- He is for the moment,

but that's because of your highly inefficient and primitive

earthly physical makeup.

It takes a little time to operate, about 24 hours.

- Do you mean that tomorrow at this time

he is going to become a human being?

- Mmm hmm.

It'll hit him like a bolt of lightening.

- That I'll have to see.

- [Martin] It may not be pretty.

- Pretty?

It'll be beautiful.

- Not necessarily, especially for a policeman.

Now they can't always be lovable when they do their jobs.

Can you imagine a policeman who isn't suspicious?

- Not Brennan.

- Tim, you don't seem to realize how serious this could be.

Imagine Brennan trying to control a criminal

or making an important arrest

and right in the middle of it

he starts overflowing with brotherly love.

- Hmm, well I see your point but it probably won't happen.

- Well we've got a responsibility to make sure

that it doesn't happen.

- Oh how?

We can't just hang around his neck waiting to see.

- My futuramic camera.

- Oh, you mean the one that takes tomorrow's pictures today?

- Right.

We'll just take a series of pictures covering the period

in which he'll be bubbling over with brotherly love,

and if any of the pictures

show Brennan in an awkward position,

we can take steps to remedy the situation.

- Well personally I think if you get Brennan

acting like a reasonably friendly human being,

you oughta take steps to keep him that way.

- That would be disastrous.

A pleasant Brennan wouldn't last half an hour,

take my word for it.

- All right, all right.

But just suppose we see trouble in his future.

Now the benevolence bulb is broken.

Can you do anything to change him back?

- I don't know.

I'll have to go to work on that problem.

- Yeah, and I have to go to work on Brennan.

You know somehow I think you've got

the best part of this deal.

(laughter)

(soft music)

(birds chirping)

- Delicious coffee, Lorelei.

And these rolls.

If you don't mind I think I'll have another one.

- Oh it's such a pleasure seeing a man enjoying his food.

- Not just any food, my dear.

Your food.

Did you click, my dear?

- Did I what?

- Click?

- My goodness, I hope not.

(soft music)

- There he is shaving.

No problem there.

At his office.

Nothing there.

- Yeah, he's still scowling.

I guess he hasn't made the change yet.

- Walking downtown.

- Still scowling.

- Going into a building.

He looks unhappy.

- Yeah, that's normal.

Hey I recognize the building.

It's the First National Bank.

- Hmm.

Uh oh.

(instrumental music)

- [Tim] Oh no.

- Look at that smile on his face.

He's obviously made the change.

- And that's only part of it.

I recognize the man that he's with.

- Nasty looking, isn't he?

- He's not just nasty looking,

he's nasty through and through.

That's Frank Tolbert the bank robber.

The police have been after him for months.

Really, Uncle Martin, this is very serious trouble.

What can we do about it?

- Well obviously Brennan is in no shape

to deal with a man like that.

I've got to change him back.

- Brennan could get himself killed and it's all my fault.

- I know what I can do.

I can build a belt,

I can build a belt incorporating

the necessary magnetic coils, wear it around my waist

with a control box with three switches.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can do it with two switches.

The problem is we'll have to wait

until precisely the right moment.

Now those photos showed Brennan scowling outside the bank

and positively beaming inside the bank, right?

- Right.

- Now, this device that I'm thinking of

will alter whatever existing personality is predominant.

Bad to good, good to bad.

Ergo, as Brennan will undergo his personality change

sometime between those two photos,

the time to get him is after he enters the bank, not before,

certainly not later.

- We can't do it now.

- It'll take me 12 hours (mumbles) to build a device.

Anyhow it won't take effect until his personality changes.

- That means that we'll have to be at the bank

when he enters.

Hey.

If Tolbert is going to be there to rob the bank

that means I'll be right on the spot to get the story.

I can see the headlines now.

Reporter helps stop bank robbery,

captures desperate criminal.

(laughter)

- How about Sun reporter shot by bandit, condition critical?

- That's a point.

- Well you'd better go on to the office.

I'm going to need a lot of peace and quiet

if I'm to get this belt finished on time.

Oh by the way I don't suppose you have a spare belt

I could use?

- No, how about a pair of suspenders?

(laughter)

- Go.

(jaunty music)

- Hey.

How's it coming?

That's it, huh?

- Finished.

Now, if it only works.

Ah, don't do that!

- But you said it was finished?

- This has two atomic power cells in it

and if I don't throw the switches in exactly

the right order, the full power will surge through my body.

- Do you mean you could get electrocuted?

That's dangerous.

(laughter)

- Your perception is astonishing.

No, no, no, I would not be electrocuted.

The effect is that of an extremely powerful tranquilizer.

I'd be out on my feet for a day or so.

- Well how about when you use it tomorrow?

- Well all I have to do is throw this switch first

and then this one

and then concentrate the force field

right through my left hand and grab Brennan with it.

It's not dangerous at all.

(person knocking)

- Did I happen to leave my pipe

when I was here this morning?

- I don't think so.

- Well if I did I can always boil it out.

I see you're having trouble keeping your pants up, O'Hara.

- I guarantee you that you did not leave your pipe here

because if you had I would have smelled it.

- That's a stupid-looking arrangement.

What's this for?

(instrumental music)

Well if you find the pipe, give it to Lorelei.

(laughter)

(Martin moaning)

- Are you all right?

- It's wonderful.

It's wonderful.

- Hey, Uncle Martin.

You gotta snap out of it.

Come on, Uncle Martin.

- I'm sleepy.

This is a nice pillow, I'll sleep right here.

- Oh no, no, no, no Uncle Martin.

You can't go to sleep.

Now listen to me.

- Temporary effect.

Wear off tomorrow night.

(Martin humming)

- Now listen Uncle Martin, if you'll just,

if you just listen to me for one minute.

Here, put you down right over here.

Now listen.

Uncle Martin, listen to me.

You should.

Uncle Martin, I need you.

Uncle Martin, now look.

You've got to be wide awake by tomorrow morning.

You've just got to be.

- It's impossible.

Goodnight.

(jaunty music)

- No!

Uncle Martin, wake up!

Hey!

(soft music)

Look, Mrs. Brown is coming up for some more coffee.

- A nice lady.

- We don't have much time.

You have to be at the bank when it opens.

Wake up!

(laughter)

- Okay, I'm awake.

- How is he?

- No change.

- Oh dear.

Well you shouldn't have let him take those sleeping pills.

A man of his age.

- 2,000 years old.

Just in my prime.

(laughter)

- Oh my dear.

The poor man, he's raving!

- Isn't there anything else we can do?

- Well I think we should call a doctor

and have his stomach pumped out.

- Oh no, no!

That won't be necessary Mrs. Brown.

You see, he's had this before

and when it wears off.

- Well then why don't you put the poor thing to bed?

- We can't.

I mean I can't.

I can't because we have an important appointment.

- Oh I see.

Well now you drink deeply of this, Martin.

It'll make you feel just wonderful.

There you go. - Come on, Uncle Martin.

We don't have much time.

- Good, then I'll take a nap.

- Oh no.

- Here we go.

Oh, well now you're hurting my feelings.

Don't you like my coffee?

- Well I don't exactly think that's it, Mrs. Brown.

You see, I made him drink two pots of my coffee

before you brought that up.

- Oh my goodness, the poor boy must be gurgling.

(Martin gurgling)

(laughter)

- I'm a coffee pot.

- What am I gonna do?

- Well I don't know what you're gonna do

but he's obviously gonna take a nap.

- Oh Mrs. Brown, you've been a great help.

I guess we'll just have to struggle along.

(Martin groaning)

- Well I still think all he needs is a good night's rest.

- He had a good night's sleep.

- Then let him have another.

My goodness, he's just exhausted.

- He's exhausted?

I've been marching him around that living room since dawn.

- Well then you need a good night's sleep, too.

(laughter)

- I think I can handle this myself, Mrs. Brown,

now and thank you very much for your help.

You've been absolutely charming.

Bye.

(jaunty music)

Uncle Martin?

Come on, Uncle Martin.

(Martin groaning)

Boy, you Martians way a lot.

- You should see me on Saturn, I weigh 14 tons.

(laughing)

On the moon I only weigh 30 pounds.

- But you're not on the moon.

You're right here on Earth and in about an hour or so

Brennan is going to march into a bank

and face about the most desperate public enemy

that this country has.

- Good old Brennan.

- I hope you realize that the only thing he's going to have

going for him is an awful lot of brotherly love.

Uncle Martin, will you please just try to locate him?

Maybe, just maybe, his personality will change

before he gets to the bank.

(Martin groaning)

Come on, Uncle Martin.

Come on.

(suspenseful music)

- Oh my.

- Have you located him?

- No.

I located that pretty movie actress.

One with the red hair.

(Tim clicking tongue)

(mumbles) her.

- Brennan!

- Oh yeah.

Wanna hear what the premier of Russia is thinking about?

- [Tim] Brennan!

- The premier of Russia's more interesting.

- Brennan!

- Ah, Brennan.

Ugh.

- Yeah, yeah.

Where is he?

- Shaving.

- Yeah?

- [Martin] Staring at the mirror.

- Yeah?

- Brennan, you are not as handsome as Gregory Peck.

(laughter)

Going to the bank.

Thinking of going to the bank.

- All right, okay, then we'll have to go to the bank.

And I guess we'll just have to hope

that you can handle the situation.

- How about

a little nap first.

- Oh no, no, no!

We'll take our changes.

Attaboy.

Okay, let's go.

(jaunty music)

(laughter)

All right, now you just stay there

and I'll see if Brennan and Tolbert are here yet, okay?

Wake up, wake up, wake up.

We're in time.

Now listen.

Oh boy are you in a bad way.

You're not gonna be able to tell one person from another.

Hey look, I'll tell ya what.

I will give you a cue.

Do you hear me?

A cue.

All right, now here's what I'll do.

You turn on the switches and grab ahold of Brennan

when I say now.

- Now.

- Ah, that's right.

When I say now.

Not now!

- But you said now.

- Oh boy are you.

Will you just listen to me for one minute?

I'll try and get it straight for you this time.

You wait for my signal,

then you throw the switches and grab ahold of Brennan.

Got it?

- Okay.

Switches.

Grab signal.

Throw Brennan.

- That'll have to do.

(soft music)

Will you look wide awake?

You know I don't know how much longer

we can just stand around here

without getting picked up for loitering.

(suspenseful music)

Uh oh, the guard.

He's getting suspicious.

(laughter)

Now here he comes.

Will you look natural?

Morning, sir.

- Having trouble?

- Trouble?

Oh he's no trouble, he's my uncle.

- I mean the deposit slip.

You've been struggling with it for 15 minutes.

- Oh, the deposit slip.

Yes, well I was planning on making a large deposit.

- What's the matter with your uncle?

- What's the matter with him?

Why, is something the matter with him?

(laughter)

- Oh!

You've got bloodshot eyes!

- Well hurry up with that thing.

You can't hang around here all day.

- Yes, sir.

Say Uncle Martin.

Hey, Uncle Martin.

Listen, he's an officer, he's got a gun.

He could help us.

- With those eyes?

- Oh come on.

Officer?

Guard?

- Yes?

- Would, would you believe me if I told you

this bank was about to be held up?

- Are you trying to be funny?

- Oh no, sir, this isn't funny.

- How do you know?

- Well I just know.

- Know what I think?

I think you're one of those crackpots

who goes around spreading false alarms.

- No, I'm serious.

A man is going to walk in here at any minute

and hold up this bank.

- I figured your friend was hitting the bottle

the minute I saw him,

but I guess you hold your liqueur better.

- It could be happening at any minute.

A man is going to come in here and try,

it could happen right now.

- Now.

- Now.

No!

(laughter)

- Going to rob our little bank, is he?

Well there's plenty of money to go around.

Maybe I can help him carry the money out.

(laughter)

(Tim stammering)

- Look what you've done to him!

How could you do that?

- But you said now.

You told me when you said now

to grab the switch and grab him.

That what you told me when you said now.

Okay.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey Uncle Martin, there's Tolbert.

You know if the camera was right,

Brennan should be walking in that door any minute.

- The camera's always right.

Brennan will be here.

Time for a little nap.

- Oh no, no, no, come on now.

You've gotta stay on your toes.

- Very uncomfortable.

(suspenseful music)

- Hey, here he is.

Get ready.

- Tolbert?

- Don't move, copper.

- Well why should I wanna move, Frank?

Gosh it's good to see you again!

- It is?

- Hey, I'll bet you're here to rob the bank.

Oh shame on you, Frank.

That's antisocial.

- All right, now be careful, Uncle Martin,

and wait for my signal.

- What are you trying to pull, Brennan?

- Gee, Frank, I'm disappointed in you.

If I've told you once I've told you a thousand times

you mustn't rob banks.

- You know something, you're crazy.

That's it, you've flipped.

You come with me, Brennan.

I'm going to rob this bank

and you're going with me as my shield, you understand?

- Anything you say, Frank.

If it'll make you happy.

(mumbles)

- Grab Brennan and change him back now!

(instrumental music)

Not him, Brennan!

- William!

What a pleasant surprise finding you here!

- For me, too.

Hello O'Hara!

- Oh there you are.

- Say, have you met my friend Frank Tolbert?

Frank, this is my very dear friend Martin O'Hara.

- Well how do you do, Mr. O'Hara?

It's a pleasure to know you.

Any friend of Bill's is certainly a friend of mine.

Gee William, it's such fun getting together again.

It's been ages since we've had a good talk.

- You know I was thinking the same thing just the other day.

Say Frank, is that really a gun

you have there in your pocket?

- A gun?

(laughing)

Why yes, it is a gun!

- Gosh that's a nice gun, fellas.

- Isn't it though?

Say Frank, could I see it for just a minute?

- Why of course, William.

Anything I have is yours.

By the way William, do you still have your office

in the 12th precinct house?

- I sure do.

- You know something, that's the nicest jail in town.

- Oh you say that to all the cops.

- No, I've always said so.

- That's so kind of you, Frank.

Say look, why don't we go down there

and have a talk about the good old days?

- Well I would love to.

Would you fellas like to come along?

- Well thanks but I have to stay here and guard the bank.

- From what?

- We have something else that we have to do, too.

- Oh well that's a shame

because I would like to get to know you better.

Well maybe some other time.

Shall we, Bill?

- Let's go, Frank.

(jaunty music)

- Well Uncle Martin, that's wonderful.

You grabbed the wrong guy.

It all worked out fine.

Uncle Martin?

(instrumental music)

(jaunty music)

Now you're sure you're all right now?

- Of course I am.

- Well that's good because Brennan isn't.

Take a look.

(men laughing)

- Oh Frank, you've got a great sense of humor.

Hey fellas.

It won't do you any good, Tim.

I'll tell you again.

I am not leaving my old friend here in this cell.

As long as he stays here, I stay here.

- Now is the hour.

(instrumental music)

- What happened?

I'm in jail!

Brennan, you're going to pay for this!

What happened?

- You got caught in the act.

I think.

I got you when you were, well I was, you were.

What's the difference?

You've robbed your last bank.

What are the two of you doing here?

- Well you invited us down.

Don't you remember, Brennan?

Tim is going to write the story for his paper.

- Oh?

Oh yes, yeah.

You'd better get the facts straight

or you'll wish you were in this cell instead of him.

- He.

(laughter)

- Well, Brennan is back to normal.

I still hate him.

- Hey buddy!

Would you mind telling me how I happened to get in here?

- Friend, you were washed in here on a great sea

of brotherly love.

Unfortunately the tide has turned.

- I don't understand.

- Well don't try to, pal.

You'll just get a headache.

(instrumental music)

(jaunty music)

(instrumental music)