Original subtitles

(comedic music)

- What on earth is that gadget?

Or shouldn't I have said "On earth"?

(audience laughs)

- Ah, good morning, Tim.

This is my hydrobarometric, atmospheric aerial.

- Thanks. (audience laughs)

I'm afraid to ask what else is new.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, by the way, Tim, would you mind terribly

not using the shower this morning?

- (yawns) Why? Is something wrong with it?

- I'm using it as part of my equipment.

You see, my damaged spaceship can't achieve

enough velocity to escape Earth's gravity

because I am too heavy.

- Oh, well, then all you have to do is lose weight.

(audience laughs)

- You do understand.

- That's great. How much do you have to take off?

- 143 pounds and two ounces.

(audience laughs)

- (incredulous) 143 pounds?

- And two ounces.

- What are you gonna do (audience laughs)

with what's left?

Stick yourself on the back of a postage stamp

and mail yourself home?

(audience laughs)

- Truthfully I'm going to miss you, Tim.

You come up with some of the most

fantastic ideas.

(audience laughs)

(comedy music)

(eerie music)

(beeping)

(comedic music)

(comedic music)

- Now, let me get this straight.

All you have to do is step into the shower,

turn it on, and you shrink into practically nothing.

- To approximately four inches,

weight less than six ounces.

- All that happens in my shower?

- It took a few minor adjustments.

I set it up last night.

(audience laughs)

- And you didn't tell me?

Do you realize that I could have awakened this morning,

marched into that shower, turned it on,

closed the door, and (makes sucking noise)

Tiny Tim?

(audience laughs)

- I didn't think I should have awakened you

last night for such a little thing.

- That little thing (audience laughs)

could have been me.

- Even so, no harm would have been done.

You see, within two minutes the shrinking action

reverses itself in a veritable cloud

of reconstitution, to return you to your normal size.

- Uh-huh. (audience laughs)

To a complete nervous wreck.

Two minutes? That's all that thing lasts?

- Hm-mmm.

- Is that enough time for your spaceship

to get away from Earth?

- Not quite.

That's why I'm running a test

with this special gas that will keep me small.

I'm going to reduce myself

and then I'm going to get into this bottle

and I want you to cork it tightly.

- You're going to get into the bottle?

Cork it? (audience laughs)

Oh no, Martin, I don't think...

Martin?

(dramatic music)

This could be dangerous!

- It's perfectly safe.

And if the experiment works

I'll fill my spaceship with the same gas

and stay microsized until Mars.

Then by merely opening the spaceship

to the outside atmosphere, poof,

I'll not only be normal-sized again,

but I'll be home.

- Alright, now, I'll talk to you as before.

But it will be telepathic.

Ready? Here we go!

(sound of gas) (harp music)

Alright Tim.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin?

- Down here, Tim!

- (amazed) Uncle Martin?

(audience laughs)

Holy smoke (whistles).

- Really, Tim, you should have opened the bottle,

then picked me up.

You picked me up out of order!

Now hurry up or you'll suddenly gonna have

a full-grown me standing on your hand!

(audience laughs)

- Alright.

There's something I can do.

(audience laughs)

- Now I'll use a vapor process

to get into the bottle.

(slide whistle sound)

(audience laughs)

Put the cork in now.

(bottle faintly rattles)

- You alright in there, Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] If you stop shaking the bottle I'll be fine!

(audience laughs)

- Sorry.

- [Martin] Very breathable.

Two minutes have passed and I'm not picking up

any molecules.

I think it works, Tim.

- Well, that's just great.

Now what do I do?

Take out the cork

or serve you chilled? (audience laughs)

- [Martin] That's a good idea.

- What's a good idea?

- [Martin] I think I'll cool my heels in here

for a while.

Check for possible unpleasant side effects.

- Oh, that's fine.

Well, I can think of one unpleasant side effect.

My boss, when I'm late for work.

(audience laughs)

- [Martin] Oh, you go to work, Tim.

I'll spend the whole day in here.

Give it a real test.

- Oh, now, wait a minute, Uncle Martin.

I don't think I can leave you

all bottled up like this all day.

- Tim, I assure you,

if anything should happen

I'll just levitate the cork out of the bottle

and the instant the outer atmosphere hits me,

poof, I'm full size again.

- (unconvinced) Well...

- [Martin] Now please, take me into the living room

and set me on the table.

I'd like to check the effect

of direct sunlight.

- Okay.

(comedic music) (audience laughs)

- Okay?

- [Martin] Perfect.

- Isn't it going to get a little dull in there,

I mean, in a bottle all day?

- [Martin] Hmm, now that's a side effect

I haven't thought of. (audience laughs)

For my space flight, I must remember

to reduce some reading matter along with me.

Too late for that now.

- Well, you can always get some wood.

- [Martin] Now what on earth would I do with wood in here?

- You could build a ship.

(audience laughs)

- [Martin] (deadpan) Go to work, Tim.

- Alright. (audience laughs)

Oh, listen, Mrs. Brown is going to come over

and pick up a package here for her favorite charity.

[Martin] That's alright, don't worry about me.

Nothing's going to happen.

- Okay, see you tonight.

(comedic music)

- [Martin] Well, can't read, but I can exercise.

One and two and three and, oops.

- (whistles)

Hi, Uncle Martin, I...

Huh. Boy it's dark in here.

I should have left a light on for you.

You know, I was thinking at the office today...

(suspense music)

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

(comedic music)

(audience laughs)

(phone rings)

Hello.

Uncle Martin! Why...

How did you get...?

Uncle Martin, your voice sounds like you're still...

Well, it sounds like you're still in the bottle.

(laughs)

You're still in the bottle?

(audience laughs)

Well, Uncle Martin, where are you calling from?

- [Martin] I'm not calling, I'm projecting

electrical impulses from my brain

to a telephone wire.

- Oh! Wait.

Overseas relief package?!

Well, why don't you just, you know,

open up the bottle and go poof?

- [Martin] In reducing my size I seem to have also

reduced my levitating powers.

I'm ready to blow my top,

I just can't pop my cork.

(audience laughs)

- Well, where's the warehouse?

I'll come right down there.

- [Martin] I'm afraid it's too late for that.

They're coming now to get my stack of cartons

and load me on a plane.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin? A plane, what plane?

What, the Middle East?

Where, what part? What part of the Middle East?!

(comedy sting)

(suspense sting)

Well, I appreciate this very much.

You say three weeks ago it was Korea,

two weeks ago it was Hong Kong,

last week Burma.

Fine.

Now where are you mailing your packages

this week?

Uh-huh.

(audience laughs)

You're kidding.

Well, thank you very much.

(triumphant music)

(Arabic music)

- Abu, my son, (audience laughs)

forget your sadness.

Look, we have riches.

Ah, those Yankees,

they should live and be well

for ten thousand days.

Every day, they should send me a package

like this one.

(excited squeal) Ooh, look! Ah-ha!

(audience goes "Ooooh")

Oh, come, my son, it is a day for feasting!

- A day for feasting?

Mama, when I think of my sweet, beautiful, beloved

Nadja marrying the Sultan today,

I may never eat again!

(audience laughs)

- What? Oh, you'll find another girl.

Only be smart, next time

don't pick such a beauty.

(audience laughs)

The Sultan shouldn't see her like with Nadja

and take her for his harem.

(audience laughs)

- There won't be a next time, Mama!

I will never love another girl.

If only there was some way to get her back...

Maybe this will make me forget this day.

- No, no, no, no, do not open the wine.

Better, a little chicken soup.

(audience laughs)

- If only there was some way, but

it will take a miracle.

(cork pops)

- [Martin] Ah, at last!

(explosion)

(zapping noise)

(suspense sting)

- [Martin] (moans in relief)

Ah, it's good to get out of there!

(audience laughs)

Thank you.

- It is a miracle!

A genie!

Mama, there was a genie in the bottle!

- (happily) A genie.

- I know what thou wouldst have, master.

- You know about my beloved Nadja and the Sultan?

- He's a genie.

- I could not help overhearing your unhappiness, master.

You are a good man and you deserve the woman you love.

For releasing me from my glass prison,

I shall release your Nadja from her prison of silk.

- Allah be praised!

- (excited squeal) You're really a genie?

- Yes, honorable lady, I am.

- That's funny, you don't look it.

(audience laughs)

(traveling music)

(light music)

- (mumbling) Hello, Martin?

Hello, Martin?

(louder) Uncle Martin?

(whispering) Uncle Martin?

Psst, Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughs)

(suspense music)

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

(louder) Uncle Martin?

(whispering) Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Tim!

- Uncle Martin, is that you?

Are you okay?

Now, look, just stay here, I'll go get help! I...

Oh excuse me, (audience laughs)

I'm sorry, Uncle Martin, I haven't got time.

Uncle Martin! You are here! (audience laughs)

What's with the outfit?

- I'm a genie.

- A what?

- A genie.

What would you call someone who popped

full-grown from a bottle

in the land of "The Arabian Knights"?

- A genie. (audience laughs)

- I was on my way to grant a wish

when I saw you over here window shopping.

- To grant a wish? (audience laughs)

Uncle Martin, look, let's just get out of here, huh?

I think you're carrying this genie bit

just a little too far.

- Ah! I'm afraid the young man who released me

is in dire need of a genie.

And it shouldn't take me too long to get

in and out of the Sultan's harem,

so if you'll just wait here.

- Hold it just one second!

Do you mean you're going to go to a harem

where they have all of those beautiful Persian girls

and leave me here? (audience laughs)

- That's right.

- Uncle Martin, I've, I've never known you

to be selfish, so let's go.

- Ah, it's too dangerous, Tim.

- My genie, I thought you had disappeared.

- No, no, no, no, I've just met an old master.

Abu, this is Tim O'Hara.

(audience laughs)

You wait here, Tim.

- Well, now, Uncle Martin,

an eyewitness report from the inside of a modern harem,

Uncle Martin, this could make my career

as a newspaperman.

(audience laughs)

- Tim, I have strong doubts

it's the story you're after. (audience laughs)

- Well, why else would a young red-blooded

American newspaperman want to see the inside of a harem?

(audience laughs)

(Arabic music plays)

- Wait!

- Alright, fine, you got us in the right costumes,

you got him in a trance,

now why don't you entrance me, (audience laughs)

where's the action?

- Let's hope we don't see any action.

There, I believe, is our Middle Eastern Juliette.

- [Abu] My Nadja!

- [Tim] Oh, I like the company she keeps.

(audience laughs)

(dramatic sting)

(Tim growls)

(audience laughs)

- Nadja!

- Abu!

(romantic music swells)

Oh, Abu!

- My Nadja, my poor little Nadja,

- Oh, I thought I would never see you again.

(Martin clears his throat) (audience laughs)

- Oh, Nadja, this is my genie.

- A genie?

- I came bottled.

(audience laughs)

(Nadja squeals)

Now, really, I despise interrupting a good love scene

but if you'd like this to have a happy ending

I suggest a rapid change of setting.

- Not only has he great power, but he's wise too.

(laughs)

- Come out, come out, wherever you are.

(laughs)

What?

Oh come on, Uncle Martin, don't be a killjoy.

After all, how many times does a guy

get to visit a harem?

- You didn't finish your sentence,

"And live to talk about it."

(audience laughs)

- Oh, stop it, you sound like you're afraid

of the Sultan.

- (whispering in fear) The Sultan!

- (deadpan) I'm afraid of the Sultan.

(audience laughs)

- Nadja, go back with the girls.

You two, down behind the bushes

and don't even breathe.

If you're caught here,

you may never breathe again.

- What about you?

- Me? I'm a genie.

(levitating noise) (audience laughs)

- He's a genie.

I hope we're not sitting ducks.

Come on, let's go.

(annoyed) Come on!

(comedic music)

(Arabic music)

- Nadja!

(laughs)

Nadja! (audience laughs)

Oh, must be a new statue, eh?

Nadja!

Yoohoo, come to me, my pretty little bird.

(squeals)

- The eagle calls to the dove.

- Sounds more like a buzzard.

- [Martin] If you don't keep quiet,

there'll be two dead pigeons.

- Yes, my genie.

- Ah, how ravishing you look in your lovely bridal gown.

Naturally, you cannot wait until you are actually

my one and only 65th bride.

(audience laughs)

Well, you lucky little thing, I shan't

deprive you any longer.

(audience laughs)

Come, my love, we will partake

of a big...of prenuptial refreshments

and then the ceremonies will begin.

(laughs)

- The pig, can't he see she doesn't love him?

- Oh, well, him, it doesn't matter.

He loves himself enough for two.

- [Martin] This is going to be tricky.

To get her away from him

without arousing suspicion.

- I am very afraid.

I will rescue her with my bare hands.

- Oh, now, come on, don't lose your head.

- And that's exactly what he would lose.

(audience laughs)

No, I'll go inside,

but you two stay here.

Abu, did you hear me?

- Yes, my genie.

- And Tim, I want you to make sure

that he does, no matter what,

Abu is not to go near that wedding ceremony.

- Yes, my genie, I mean, his genie.

(audience laughs)

Now, come on, come on.

And remember, not near the wedding.

(wedding music)

- Now, this shouldn't take too long.

If I'm lucky.

(levitating noise)

(audience laughs)

- Just staying here and doing nothing,

it will be a terrible ordeal for me.

- Yeah, me too.

- Help, my little lotus blossom,

tell me how my eyes are as blue

as the Mediterranean.

(kicking noise)

(shouts of pain)

(suspense sting)

- What is taking so long?

I'm worried.

- Well, you know the orders.

All we can do is wait.

Hmm, thank you.

Listen, I can see why a guy would want

to go into this Sultan biz.

Oh, you don't have to do that anymore.

I don't want your hand to get tired

so you'll be able to scratch my back.

(audience laughs)

- My little honeycake, your Sultan does not like

your choice of games,

but I will close my eyes

and regain my royal composure.

And then things will be as they should be.

(kicking noise)

- Oof! (audience laughs)

Now tell me you didn't do that!

- I did nothing, Excellency!

- That was nothing?

To kick your Sultan where he sits?

(audience laughs)

- You know, originally,

I was going to do an expose

on the inside of the harem.

(moans in pleasure) But right now,

I can't find anything wrong with it.

- [Sultan] Not another second of this!

- [Nadja] Excellency, I did not...

- [Sultan] Enough!

- Nadja, she needs me.

- Of course she needs you,

now every girl needs a guy

that she can...

Hey, Abu, you stay out of there!

Listen, girls, don't just go away, huh?

Oh.

- Grab her! Grab her!

It is she who has hung your Sultan

on a hook!

Out into the street with her, back where she came from!

- (whispering) Thank you, Your Excellency.

Exactly what I'd hoped you'd say.

- [Abu] Halt!

(dramatic sting)

- Exactly what I'd hoped no one would say.

(levitating noise) (audience laughs)

(suspense music)

- Abu!

- Your Highness, if I could just have a moment...

- Get him! Get him!

(whooshing noise)

(whooshing noise)

- [Tim] Careful, careful,

you could hurt somebody with that.

(levitating noise)

(eerie music)

Oh, thanks!

(moans in pain)

(punching noise)

- So! You dare to trespass in the harem

of the Sultan, eh?

- But we are just poor rug-makers, Your Excellency.

- That's right, we're traveling salesmen,

we just go from door-to-door,

would you like to see our line?

- [Abu] We'll give you a rug as a gift.

- [Tim] Today's sample day.

- Silence!

For daring to trespass in the Sultan's harem

there is only one punishment: death.

- Death? Haven't you got something

a little less permanent?

(audience laughs)

- Oh no, please, Your Excellency!

- So! This is no mere accidental intrusion, eh?

You would steal my bride.

- But we love each other.

- What?! To, to love the bride of the Sultan,

that is treason.

For this you will not even have

the privilege of a last meal.

Off with their heads, at once!

Hers too!

But do it over there,

too much beheading spoils my appetite.

(audience laughs)

(solemn music)

- All is not lost, I will call my genie,

he will come to our rescue.

- Oh yeah, first he has to come too.

- Genie, save us! I command you, genie!

- Genie?

What is this?

He calls to a genie?

I suppose you have found the fabled

magic lamp and rubbed it, huh?

- No.

I pulled a cork out of a bottle.

- Obviously! And drank the whole bottle!

(shrill laughter)

Don't you know that if there were any genies left

that I'd have one?!

I am the Sultan!

Now!

(suspense sting)

- Hear me, genie, hear me.

- [Martin] I hear you, Abu.

- Martin? It's about time.

(levitating noise)

(comedic music)

- What's this, another intruder?

- I, sir, am Abu's genie.

One word from him and I can turn you

into an elephant.

No, no, that's already been done.

Pick another animal.

- A genie with a black eye?

Unheard of.

- Well, that's very easy explained, Your Excellency.

While on my way here today, I bumped into a relative.

(audience laughs)

- Enough of this nonsense.

I don't know what kind of a charlatan you are

but you two will pay with your head.

- My genie's no charlatan!

Show him.

Turn the guard into a squirrel.

- Very well.

Oh I'm allergic to squirrels, but, uh,

there are other ways of convincing

His Excellency of my magic powers.

For example, how would His Excellency react

to Abu's having a flying carpet?

- (laughs) A miserable peasant

with his own flying carpet?

It is to laugh.

- Yes.

As a rug-maker, Your Excellency, he weaves them

but since we brought none along

I shall use this rug here before you

to demonstrate my powers.

Pardon.

(suspense music)

Pardon.

(comedic music)

All aboard!

Ready, Your Excellency?

- I'm ready to stop this nonsense.

I've been indulgent until now.

But I have some dancing girls coming in at 4:00...

(eerie music)

- Alright?

Too much weight.

- But there's no baggage to throw over.

- Oh yes, there is.

- Oh no, Martin...

(levitating sound)

("Flight of the Bumblebee" plays)

- You spoke the truth, it is a flying carpet.

By the beard of the Prophet, he was a genie.

(comedic music)

- Leaving? But, my genie, how can we be sure

the Sultan will not interfere with our lives?

- Because whether I am present at your wedding or not

he knows who the best man is.

- (sighs happily)

- [Abu] And now I, a poor rug-weaver, must find a way

to provide for a wife, I will not depend on charity.

- You needn't.

You will give His Excellency this message.

It orders him to appoint you his royal carpet-weaver

and, believe me, he'll be as agreeable as a lamb

which he is afraid I'll turn him into.

(audience laughs)

- But I don't know how to make a carpet that flies.

- He will cut off Abu's head when he sees

the carpet does not get off the ground.

- Have no fear.

I've informed His Highness it takes 10 years

to weave such a carpet.

I have also made a psychological analysis

of the state of the mind of the population

and the Sultan will be dethroned in exactly

nine and one-half years.

(audience laughs)

That time, you will put up a sign,

formerly rug-maker to the Sultan.

- Oh, thank you, my genie.

- You have done so much for us.

We will miss you.

- Yeah, well, we're going to miss our plane

if we don't hurry up.

- You travel by airplane?

You do not use your magic?

- Oh, uh, well, um...

I can't use that for myself.

It's against the rules.

You see, we genies have to use public transportation

when we're not on the job.

- I still say, he doesn't look like a genie.

(comedic sting)

(comedic music)