Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(buzzing) (typewriter keys tapping)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(buzzing)

- Hi Uncle Martin.

- Hello Tim.

Oh wait (clears throat), let me give you

a finger with those packages.

(audience laughing) (buzzing)

- Hey you know something?

It just dawned on me that every time

you point your finger it carries a lot of weight.

(audience laughing)

- I'll be polite Tim and ignore that unfortunate pun.

- What's the matter aren't you feeling well?

- [Uncle Martin] Hm?

- The pills, you're taking some pills over there.

- Oh, just a memory pill Tim.

I'm probing Earth's gravitational field

for a weak zone through which my spaceship might escape.

This last pill gives me all there is to know

in the field of geo-electronics.

- You know it must be the light

in this room or something but

for a moment there I could have sworn

that your skin was all covered with green polka dots.

It is.

(audience laughing) (slow orchestral music)

- Great folds of rocket fire no!

- Well what is it?

- Well apparently I've developed

an allergy from taking all those pills.

I dare not even take a medical science pill

to learn the cure!

- Well can't, can't you do something?

Maybe I can call a doctor?

- And have him see me like this?

- Well maybe we could get one that's color blind.

(audience laughing)

(beeping)

(slow, ominous music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

- You know you're right Uncle Martin

you can't just go walking around

looking like a green leopard.

Even Mrs Brown would know something's wrong.

- A little flesh colored makeup will handle that Tim.

I'm disturbed about something far more serious.

Without these pills I won't be able to complete

my gravity studies before the solar storms pass.

Everything on every subject on Earth

and on Mars is stored in these pills.

Without them I'm an ignoramus.

- Oh now come on Uncle martin.

If you're an ignoramus what does that make me?

(audience laughing) I had to ask.

- I'm sorry Tim, I didn't mean to be insulting.

It's just that we Martians use 100% of our brain

while you use only 10 percent of yours.

- 10 percent?

What happened to the other 90 percent?

Or is that just to keep may hairline

from joining up with my eyebrows?

(audience laughing)

- I'm afraid so.

Now how can I get these pills into usable form?

- Maybe I could put a sign outside,

"Vacancy, One Empty Head To Let."

(audience laughter)

- Exactly.

- Exactly what?

- Tim I'm not being insulting but you

just made a very intelligent observation.

You're empty headed. (audience laughing)

Sitting on those big broad shoulders of yours

is a great big beautiful 90 percent empty head.

- Well thanks a lot!

- It's a perfect store house for all that's in these pills.

- (chuckles) You're not gonna get me to do it.

Now I may not have much up here

but what I do have is mine, I won't do it.

No, I won't do it!

- I knew you wouldn't let me down Tim.

- Since you're gonna turn me into a human computer

don't you think it would be a little more accurate to say,

"Tim, I knew I could count on you"?

(audience laughing) - See, see your puns

are already more intelligent.

Now this intellectual monitor will measure your brain power.

You may go to sleep now Tim.

- But I'm not sleepy.

(switch clicks) (electronic ticking)

- Tim, once you've consumed these pills

that are in this glass you will be the most brilliant,

most highly educated man on Earth.

(slow, tense music)

Drink.

(slow, tense music) Drink more.

More, uh-huh.

(high pitched whirring)

Now Tim, the most important point,

so that you will still be able to pursue a normal life

I want you to be totally unaware of how brilliant you are.

Only this signal (snaps fingers)

will switch you to your full powers.

Then the same signal (snaps fingers)

and instantly your mind goes back to normal.

Open your eyes.

Awaken. (fingers snapping)

- Hm.

Well I, ah, I don't feel any smarter.

But I feel fuller, here, not here.

(audience laughing)

- [Martin] Good. (snaps fingers)

- Oh, an intellectualometer.

Another crude but mildly effective device

for measuring mental capabilities.

That's--

- [Martin] (snaps fingers) That's enough.

- Wow!

What's enough?

Uncle Martin do you realize

that for a, for a minute there,

my head, it seemed like it was full of

all the answers in the world!

And now I can't even think of a question.

(audience laughing)

- I've got the questions. (snaps fingers)

(audience laughing)

Now then Tim, to locate the possible weaknesses

in Earth's gravitational field I should know

the precise weight of the Earth at the moment of takeoff.

June the 5th, 8 p.m., Greenwich time.

- It is not weight, it is mass.

Space is measured in mass.

The precise mass of the Earth at launch time

will be six sextillion 588 quintillion

821 trillion 31 billion 621 million, 274, 921 tons.

- Fine.

- 843 pounds.

- [Martin] Wonderful but--

- Three ounces.

- Well, ah-- - Seven grams, next question?

(audience laughing) - Ah, well that certainly

is precise, now then if ah. (phone ringing)

Oh. (snaps fingers)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Speaking.

But, but, but it's my day off.

Well I just, I just don't think it's fair that--

Well since you put it that way.

Alright, well, since Johnny can't make it, I'll ah,

I'll just have to go down and cover for him I guess.

Yes, I'll, I'll be there, I'd be delighted to.

Goodbye.

Oh uh, tough luck Uncle Martin,

I have to go down to the airport and interview some VIP.

And since I have grown accustomed

to eating regularly I couldn't refuse.

- Well I guess this will just have to wait.

- Don't worry I'll make it snappy.

- Snappy?

Great galaxies, perish the thought.

(audience laughing)

- Now if we could get one more Manuel.

One more shot, see if you can get this one okay?

Well now that you're here in California

do you know where you'll be appearing?

- Yes, Los Angeles, San Francisco.

- Ah pardon me but there's a special flight

due at Dewitt Merican.

Oh, never mind, thanks, I see him.

- There isn't very much I can tell you about it.

- Well I wonder if we could get an action shot now,

you know, danced up or something, so we could wrap it up?

Alright?

(fingers snapping) (guitar strumming)

(fingers snapping) (guitar strumming)

(audience laughing)

- Good, wonderful, thank you very much.

Thank you very much indeed Manuel.

- [Man] He makes the final decision.

- Now, but would you say that he's ready

to approve the appropriation,

to try to put a man on the moon?

- Not until we're certain the moon's

service is vehicular supporting.

Now that is to say we suspect

a deep dust has been collecting

from outer space for millions of years.

We wouldn't want our rocket to sink into it.

- Beneath a thin layer the lunar surface

is perfectly vehicular supporting.

- Yes, I would, I beg your pardon?

- The sun heats the surface of the moon

to 216 degrees Fahrenheit and then

the temperatures plunge to 251 degrees

below zero during the lunar night.

Now the expansion from the heat

and the contraction from the cold, 12 times a year,

slightly more than two and a half billion years

have compressed the lunar dust into a very solid pack.

- Well if you're right then our only

remaining problem is weight.

- Fuel.

- Really?

- We could double our moon rocket's thrust

by using a fuel composed of loxotetrobyazene.

- Was that a fuel?

- It is now, I just invented it.

(audience laughing)

- It is a volatile marriage between liquid oxygen,

techtrol bioxide, and benzine.

- But can you combine techtrol and bioxide

and live to talk about it?

- You can if you use kreon as a catalyst.

- Well of course. (fingers snapping)

(audience laughing)

- Hi fellas. (audience laughing)

- Now where did that idea come from?

Sir? (fingers snapping)

Where did the idea come from?

- Me. (audience laughing)

- Get a picture of him, both of 'em together.

- Stop.

Now, no pictures, no stories.

Everything you've just heard is as of this moment,

classified information.

What did you say your name was?

- Tim O'Hara.

- Would you raise your right hand, O'Hara?

Do you solemnly swear to preserve, protect,

and defend the constitution of the United States of America?

- I do.

- Greetings, O'Hara, you've just been drafted.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(phone ringing)

- Tim O'Hara residence.

Tim?

Where are you?

- I regret to say, Uncle Martin,

that my presence and whereabouts is classified.

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

- Air Force One.

You're in the President's personal jet, aren't you?

Headed for Washington.

- I'm sorry, but I can neither confirm

nor deny that question.

- Tim, you don't sound like yourself.

You sound like...

Oh no. (audience laughing)

Tim, Tim I want you to listen closely.

(fingers snapping)

- Yes?

You have my complete attention.

- It didn't work, he's jammed on.

Tim?

Thank you for calling, I'm glad everything's alright

and that you're feeling fine.

I'm glad one of us is.

If they should ask him just one question about Mars.

(upbeat music)

Hello.

Flight reservations, please.

Yes, yes I'd like space on the next flight

for Washington, D.C.

The name is Taylor.

That's right, T as in trouble. (audience laughing)

(grand orchestral music)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing)

- What is M over six, with a centripetal energy

impedance of nine?

- Three point seven four two one.

Salt, please. (audience laughing)

- That's incredible.

Physics, chemistry, medicine.

He knows everything.

- Now I take it that you're as impressed

as I was with O'Hara's brilliance.

And we can go ahead with our plans as scheduled.

- Oh, certainly.

- Now in precisely 10 minutes, by the clock,

Arthur Nelson will be here from the White House

to confirm O'Hara's appointment

as chief of our new space research program.

Now, I might tell you that I believe

Mr. Nelson will want to use this computing machine

and ask O'Hara that one vital question

that's been stymieing us all.

- Project Galileo?

- Well after all, if we're in the business

of exploring space, who could tell us more about Mars?

(buzzing)

- Yes, even my home address, including zip code.

And only 10 minutes. (audience laughing)

(slow music)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(slow music)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

Hm, not terribly flattering,

but I guess I can live with it until five o'clock.

(audience laughing)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(slow orchestral music)

(upbeat music)

- [Man] Grab him!

- I beg your pardon?

- We're lucky he didn't get out the door.

- Would you mind not playing patty cake with my pockets?

I've done nothing.

- Being a spy is nothing, huh?

- Spy?

- Oh come on, give it up, we know who we are.

Leopold Dollar, the spy.

- I had to pick somebody who came in out of the cold.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing) (buzzing)

(buzzing)

- He's gone.

- How could he?

- He's in the vent.

- Come on, we'll hit him off at the main duct.

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

- Hm, this is gonna be a close shave.

Two ways.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. O'Hara, Mr. Nelson.

- How do you do?

Mr. O'Hara, even though we've never met,

I want you to know I've already discussed

to you the President.

You see, I know all about you.

- That's alright, I know all about you, too.

Your name is Arthur Nelson, you born

October 17, 1906, you played center field

for your high school baseball team.

(audience laughing) - Fantastic.

- Not really.

You only batted 281.

(audience laughing)

- He's astounding.

- Mr. And Mrs. Raymond, if you please.

Now, O'Hara.

At this moment, our government must make

a tremendous decision.

Now that what that machine is being programed

to ask you may change our entire space effort

from the moon, to Mars.

- Did you say Mars?

- Well we don't expect the impossible.

Now, we realize the time is a long way off

before we make contact (laughing)

with an actual Martian. (audience laughing)

- I don't know how you got loose,

but you're not gonna do it again.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing)

- Beautiful.

Absolutely beautiful.

- Now Mr. O'Hara, what has been fed into the computer

is all that we know about the atmosphere

surrounding Mars.

That basically is our problem.

- Mars happens to be one of my favorite subjects.

For example, if you're curious

as to why the pictures in your last Mars probe

did not point out specific details, one.

(buzzing)

(beeping)

- Something's wrong.

(audience laughing)

(screaming)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Wait for me!

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing)

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

(rustling)

(upbeat music)

(audience laughing)

(rustling)

(whistling)

- Martin, you're the one.

- One more word from you, and I'd

have been the one, alright.

Tim, for the good of all concerned,

I'm going to have to undo what I've done, and quickly.

- May I ask why I must wear this ridiculous--

- Go to sleep, Tim. (snoring)

I'm sorry to take away your fun,

but the world is not ready for the information

that you possess.

Now, when you awaken, Tim, all that

information will be gone.

You see, in order to be used properly,

knowledge must be gained step by step,

not given.

(buzzing)

They're coming back.

Relax deeply, Tim.

I'm going to have to step up the machine all the way.

(beeping) (audience laughing)

(buzzing)

(buzzing)

(buzzing) (audience laughing)

(slow music)

- The computer's back to normal.

(audience laughing)

- He must've fixed it

- And then he took a nap.

Now that's amazing.

- Before something else goes wrong, the question.

- Please, the machine.

(beeping)

- Mr. O'Hara, the question.

(slow, tense music)

This is a great moment in history.

(slow, tense music)

- Uh, Mr. O'Hara?

What is it you're trying to say?

(slow, tense music)

- Horsey. (audience laughing)

- Did you say "horsey?"

- Mhm. (audience laughing)

- Good heavens, I took away everything.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing) (knocking)

- Uh, Mr. O'Hara? Tim's uncle?

- I am, is something wrong?

(audience laughing)

Well he doesn't appear to know me.

(audience laughing)

- A tragedy.

A genius who burned brightly for one shining moment.

The strain must've been too much for him.

Tim.

This is your uncle.

This is your home.

- Home?

- Home.

- Housey. (audience laughing)

- I spoke to a psychiatrist.

With some rest and proper care,

Tim has a very good chance of regaining

most of his former self.

Of course, he'll never be the way he was.

The world has lost a genius.

- I'd rather think it's gaining a reporter.

(audience laughing)

(popping) (audience laughing)

- Tim, now I know that you can't understand me,

but for your one contribution for helping us

with out rocket fuel, on behalf of our government,

thank you.

- You're welcome.

- Good bye, Mr. O'Hara.

Good bye, son.

- I think we'll have you back to normal in a moment.

If you would just sit down.

(audience laughing)

Now,

I want you to swallow this.

- Yuck! Medicine!

- No, it's not medicine.

It's a Tim O'Hara pill, just for Timmy.

- Yeah? (audience laughing)

- It's gonna make you exactly the same

smart young man you once were,

which will be just smart enough.

- Yeah? (audience laughing)

I want a balloon. (audience laughing)

- Alright, after you take this pill.

(audience laughing)

- What am I doing sitting here?

- Is that your only question?

- Well yeah.

Expect that...

You've been dry cleaned or something.

All your spots are gone.

- Yes, my allergy has faded, which means that I can

continue my calculations.

If you will excuse me.

- You know, Uncle Martin...

Just watching you work on some of these formulas and

well, some of the things that you do,

you really make me feel, sometimes sorta like a child.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)