Original subtitles

- Uh-huh.

Well, Connie, sweetheart, look.

Why don't you just see if you can't change

that other commitment, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, the place I want to show you is really wild.

Soft lights, romantic music.

Food? (audience laughs)

Well, all right, if you want to waste time eating.

All right, look, why don't you just see

what you can do about it then call me back, okay?

All right (air kisses), goodbye, sweetheart.

Say, you know, this is the most complicated gadget

I've seen you work on yet.

Why is it you martians are so far ahead of us earth people,

scientifically?

- Because we don't waste a lot of time

talking nonsense on the telephone. (audience laughs)

- This is nothing but a camera.

- Exactly, it's a futuroid camera,

taken from the nosecone of my spaceship.

Well, I'm glad this is fixed.

I couldn't get more than a couple of hundred thousand miles

towards Mars without it.

- Well, what is the point of taking snapshots

of outer space?

- Dear boy, these snapshots, as you call them,

show what will be in the path of the spaceship

at some time in the future.

I've avoided some nasty collisions with this.

- Uh, now just one second.

Do you mean to tell me that this camera

can take a picture of something

that's going to happen in some future time?

- Well, now, I wouldn't expect you to grasp

the concept immediately.

You see, you earthlings think of time as a straight line.

Like a road you walk down, passing objects or events

at different intervals.

- It isn't a straight line?

- Oh, yes, you're correct in thinking of time

as straight line, but you think of space as a mass.

Actually, they're both straight lines

and can be made to intersect at any given point.

Let me illustrate.

You sit there.

- All right.

- Now first, we set the space line

to go directly through you,

then we set the timeline for say, oh, 24 hours.

Say "Uranus".

- Uranus.

(camera clicks)

You know, if shows (mumbles) with a haircut,

I'm gonna be in an awful lot of trouble.

The barbershops are closed tomorrow.

- Uh-oh, this looks serious.

- Well, there is a shop open tomorrow in Anaheim.

(audience laughs)

Oh, yeah, I see me.

I don't who the guy with the book is.

And the girl, I don't know...

Say, you know something?

This...

This looks like a picture of a--

- Exactly.

I believe you call it a wedding?

(upbeat wedding music)

(spirited beeping theme music)

(cheerful music)

(humorous wedding music)

- I'm not ready to get married yet.

I don't know any girls who are, either.

- Apparently, there's one who is.

(phone rings)

- Hello?

Oh, hello, Connie.

You can?

I can't.

Well, you see, something's come up, I just can't make it.

I have a 24-hour virus, and I'm in the first hour.

(audience laughs)

What?

Yes, well, I'll call you as soon as I get well.

Right.

Bye.

That was close.

- And she's not the only one.

Tim, I advise complete isolation for the next 24 hours.

(phone rings)

- You take it.

- Hello?

Oh, yes, yes, he's here, just a moment.

- No. - It's for you.

- No, no-- - It's all right.

It's your boss, it's a man, here, take it.

- Oh, oh, hello?

Yeah, hello, Mr. Benson?

Well, yes, sir, I'll cover the story for him.

No, sir, I'm not doing anything tonight.

No, I have no date.

Nothing.

What?

Oh, yes, sir.

Where is the assignment?

Mm-hm.

The Kitten Club on the Strip.

All right, sir, I'll get right over there.

Fine, thanks, Mr. Benson.

Bye now.

Yeah, oh, Mr. Benson? (line disconnects)

Mr. Benson!

The Kitten Club.

On the Strip.

That's that private key club where they...

Where they have all of those--

- Girls, all beautiful.

Any one of whom could end up--

- Yeah, and I've gotta cover the opening.

See, the regular man's sick.

I was the only reporter the boss could get.

- Tim, I can't say that I'm surprised

at what this picture reveals.

You have an instinct for self-destruction

rivaled only by that of the lemming.

(audience laughs)

(cheerful music)

Tim, Tim, you're supposed to be at the Kitten Club

in 20 minutes, you'd better hurry.

- Okay, okay.

- Tim, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Why are you taking my shaving lotion?

- Tim, when you're the fish,

you are not required to bait the hook.

Shall we go?

- [Tim] We?

- Well, you don't think I'm going to let you

risk your freedom unprotected?

I will be your loyal cameraman.

Ah, if Matthew Brady and I had only had

one of these at Gettysburg.

- Uncle Martin, do you really think you're gonna save me?

- Well, I intend to try.

I shall take a futuramic photograph

of every kitten at the Kitten Club

before she so much as meows at you.

And if the picture shows that in the next 24 hours

one of them will be standing next to you,

we will avoid her like the plague.

Come along.

(jazzy music)

- Good evening, gentlemen.

I'm Kitten Caroline, may I show you to your table?

I'll take your hat, sir.

- Oh, just one moment, please.

Hold it.

(camera clicks) Thank you.

(jazzy music)

- [Caroline] Will you follow me?

- Just one minute, please.

- Okay.

About that beach party tomorrow.

Better take a warm raincoat and some nice heavy socks.

(audience laughs)

(jazzy music)

(jazzy music)

- Listen, I was just talking to the manager.

They have 40 kittens here.

There's 20 blondes, 12 brunettes and eight convertibles.

- Tim, I've been studying your wedding picture

through a high-powered magnifying lens,

and I found something that should help us

zero in on Madame X.

She has a mole right in the middle of her back.

- What?

Well, let me see that.

Where's the magnifying lens?

- Here.

- Oh, yeah.

Well, a mole, huh?

Well, that should simplify things.

All we have to do now is, uh...

Are you sure that's where the mole is?

- I'm afraid so.

However, I have some ideas on the subject.

- Well, you martians aren't as naive as I thought.

- [Kitten] May I warm up your coffee?

- If you would, please.

Would you mind turning around for a moment, please?

- Sure.

Cute costume, isn't it?

- Yes, it certainly is.

(mystical music)

- It's cute, but it's a little drafty.

I just felt a chill go up and down my spine.

Bye.

- Oh, I should've known.

I keep forgetting about that levitation finger of yours.

Well, as long as you've got that,

this will be like playing Russian roulette

with a water pistol. (audience laughs)

- Well, I'd avoid overconfidence, if I were you.

There's a very lethal pistol being aimed at you

at this moment.

- Oh, that is a whole arsenal, that's Louise Babcock.

- A friend of yours?

- Well, I tried getting a date with her once,

but absolutely no luck at all.

- Good, that's one we don't have to worry about.

- I don't suppose you know who that is.

- Louise, why do I always have to be jealous

to prove I love you?

- You just don't care.

- Sure I care, but I trust you.

I know what kind of upbringing you had

and how strict your father is.

- Oh, well, that's a great compliment for a girl.

You trust me and my father doesn't. (audience laughs)

The next time Tim O'Hara asks me out for a date,

I just might accept.

Do you have anything to say to that?

- Yeah.

Where do you want to eat tonight, Jimmy Chang's or Angelo's?

- Neither!

(romantic music)

(mystical music) (audience laughs)

(romantic music)

(mystical music) (audience laughs)

(slaps)

- Sorry, cold fingers.

- (sighs) Uncle Martin, look, I think we oughta quit.

I have enough material for a story,

and besides, we oughta give your levitating finger a rest

before it gets me into more trouble than I'm in now.

- Well, it is beginning to feel the strain.

Some of those zippers are pretty rusty.

- Tim O'Hara.

I thought you were never gonna speak to me.

- Hi, Louise.

Well, you see, I'm on an assignment.

I have a deadline to make.

- Yes, and we'd better hurry.

May I have my cap, please?

- You haven't called me in weeks.

- Well, every time I do, I can't get a date.

- Why don't you try again?

Things may have changed. (audience laughs)

- Yes, and we'd better hurry, uh, (clears throat)

may I have my cap, please?

- Let him try, first.

- All right, how about, say, a week from tonight?

- How about tonight?

- Oh, well, with my assignment and all,

I'll be working late.

It just wouldn't be practical.

- Well, if you get finished early,

why don't you give me a call?

- Oh, yes, yes, I'll do that, I'll make a note of that.

- Uh, Tim?

- Yeah?

Hm?

- Now, you don't have to make a note of it.

I'll get your hat.

How did you do that?

- The finger is quicker than the eye.

Come along, Tim.

- Yeah.

- Louise.

- I suppose you're going to demand an explanation.

- I sure am.

Why does it take you so long to decide

between Jimmy Chang's and Angelo's?

- Oh, Sam Evans, I don't even want to talk to you!

Just march yourself out of here!

- But Louise...

(phone rings)

- Checkroom, Kitten Louise.

Daddy, do you have to call me every night to check on me?

No, no one's gotten fresh.

No one's tried to grab my hand

when I've given them their coat.

The biggest tip I've made so far has been 50 cents.

And I'll be home at the usual time.

No, I'm not seeing Sam tonight.

Listen, if he calls, give him this message.

Tell him I have a date with Tim O'Hara.

He's a newspaperman.

Daddy, I don't have time to talk, goodbye.

Caroline, will you take over for me

until my relief gets here?

I've gotta get dressed and get out of here.

- Well, sure, hon. Big date?

- [Louise] Mm-hm, unzip me.

(audience laughs)

- [Tim] Thanks a lot, Fritz, see ya later.

(whistling)

- [Martin] Who was that?

- Well, that was the messenger, he just picked up my story.

What are you doing?

- I'm soaking my levitating finger in Epson salts,

and it feels a lot better now.

- Well, you know, the evening wasn't half bad.

I guess I danced with 40 girls, and here I am,

safe, sound, single.

(knocking)

- Well, here I am.

- Uh...

- Aren't you going to ask me in?

- (stammers) Well, uh--

- Now, don't tell me you're still working on that story.

I passed the messenger on the way up.

- Oh, the (stammers)...

Come in.

Would you excuse me for a minute?

I think I left the radio on in the bedroom.

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin!

What am I gonna do?

- Well, first, we must find out if the enemy

is using live ammunition.

- What?

You mean the mole?

- Exactly.

- Well, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll just dance her by the door,

like a did the girls at the club.

Yeah.

(audience laughs)

Buttons.

If we'd only caught her when she had on her kitten costume.

- Tim, she brought a hatbox, didn't she?

We'll see if her kitten outfit is in there.

(sneaking music)

(clicks)

(mystical music)

- All right.

Now, how do we get the kitten in the costume?

- Sometimes, I wonder how you earth people

got the wheel rolling. (audience laughs)

Tim, you are an artist.

- I am?

- And you certainly wouldn't think of sketching her

in that dress when she has an interesting costume

with a zipper in the back.

- Oh... - Oh...

(sultry music)

- You can come in now.

Well?

- Uh, beautiful, yes.

Now, if you don't mind standing right over here

with your back to the door.

(sneaking music)

(mystical music)

(audience laughs)

(thuds)

- Dad, he was sketching me.

He's an artist.

- Artist.

Get dressed.

- I can go home like this.

- You're not going home.

You're going to Tijuana and get married, tonight.

(humorous music)

- Oh, boy.

He is just waiting for Man Mountain, Jr.

to get that car gassed up,

and then get some clothes for Louise to get married in,

and then, away we go.

- What do you propose to do?

- Well, let's get outta here.

Out a window, over the roof, anything.

- May I remind you that the futuroid camera is never wrong.

Occasionally, out of focus, but never wrong.

Besides, there's another brother down there.

- Well, that's just great.

What am I supposed to do, just waltz down to Tijuana

and get married?

Well, I don't want to get married.

And I don't think Louise does either.

- At least, not to you.

While you were sketching her,

I took the liberty of monitoring her thoughts.

The name, Sam Evans, kept coming up.

- Her boyfriend.

- I would assume so.

She seems to be intent on doing something

that will shock him into being jealous of her.

- Oh, well, marrying me will shock him all right.

- She's obviously in love with him.

And the thing for us to do is to get

the two of them together as soon as possible.

- But what about Babcock and that other brother downstairs?

- Well, what they can't see can't hurt us.

- Uncle Martin, don't leave me.

- Fear not, my boy, I shall be at your side

until the end of this adventure,

even if that should be at the altar.

- Okay. (audience laughs)

(door opens)

- What are you up to?

- Oh, just trying to get a little cross ventilation

in the room.

- Well, if you want cross ventilation in here,

you have to open the front door.

When did that happen?

Well, did you get the car gassed up?

Got the dress too, huh? (slaps)

I don't think I've seen that one before.

- I did.

It has a low back on her, hasn't it, Louise?

- How did you know that?

- Well, let's just say I saw it on candid camera.

(audience laughs)

(spirited music)

- Hello, are you free?

- I didn't see you get in.

- Hey, you're Sam Evans, aren't you?

You go with that hatcheck girl in the club.

- Yeah, how'd you know?

- Oh, a fella mentioned it when he was telling me

about Tim O'Hara.

- What about Tim O'Hara?

- Well, maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it,

but this fella was saying that they were together tonight

in O'Hara's apartment. (chuckles)

- Oh, that's where she went.

She's mad at me.

- You really trust this girl, don't you?

- Sure, she's a good girl.

- Would you trust her all the way to Tijuana, Mexico?

- How far is Tijuana?

- [Martin] About 110 miles.

- Oh, sure.

Last summer, she went all the way to the Grand Canyon

with a girlfriend.

I trusted her then.

- Mm.

What if I told you they went to Tijuana to get married?

Would you still trust her?

- Sure, they went to see the bullfights,

that's what happened.

- At this time of night?

Oh, well, forget it.

- Where you want to go, mister?

- Well, I'm not sure what good it'll do,

but you'd better take me to Tijuana, Mexico.

- Yes, sir.

Boy, I hope she had dinner.

- Who, where?

- Louise, at what's his name's apartment.

She gets very hungry after work. (audience laughs)

- Well, they didn't have much time to eat.

He was, uh, sketching her.

- He was what?

- Sketching her.

- There's only one thing worse than a newspaperman,

that's an artist. (audience laughs)

He wasn't sketching her in, uh...

Without, uh...

- Let's just say her father wouldn't approve

of the way she was dressed. (audience laughs)

- I'm sure glad you're going to Tijuana.

I'm gonna look that Tim O'Hara up and give him

what he deserves.

- Good for you, Sam.

- The minute I let you off,

I'm going straight to the bullfights.

(audience laughs)

(energetic Mexican music)

- Esta bien, the papers are in order.

Now, what kind of a marriage do you desire?

There is a $50 marriage, and a $10 marriage.

- What's the $10 marriage like?

- Oh, senor, many people, they say to me,

"Miss Gonzales, why you have never married?"

And I always tell them it's because I have seen

too many $10 marriages. (audience laughs)

- All right, we'll take the $50 marriage,

but let's get on with it.

- Muy bien, senor.

Who's doing the paying?

- I am.

- Now, will you step inside and complete arrangements

with Judge Gonzales?

- Of course.

Oh, uh, just call me in case this fellow tries anything.

- Oh. (laughs)

- By the way, if at any time in the future

you should want a divorce,

please do not forget us, huh?

We give a generous discount to repeat customers.

- I'll take one. (audience laughs)

- Coast is clear.

- [Tim] Oh, am I glad to see...(thuds)

(audience laughs)

- Sam, you're jealous, you really do love me!

- Senor?

Senor, may I give you our business card?

We also defend assault cases.

(buzzing)

Oh, they're ready for the bride and the...

Groom? (audience laughs)

- Let's make a break for it.

- It'll never work, Tim.

- Why?

The futuroid picture, remember?

Go on in, I'll think of something.

- Oh, you'd better.

Well, uh...

Come on, Louise.

- Well, I guess it's all right,

if her father's in there. (audience laughs)

- I do not understand what goes on here.

- My dear Miss Gonzales, I was just about to explain

the entire matter.

Now, first of all...

- (speaking Spanish).

- He doesn't understand much English.

Except when I paid him for that $50 wedding.

He understood that real good. (audience laughs)

- (speaks Spanish).

(audience laughs)

What page...

What page?

- Oh, I'm sorry for the delay.

I make a little mistake on the document.

- (speaking Spanish).

With a $50 wedding.

(speaking Spanish) (organ music)

Man and wife. (audience laughs)

- Very pretty wedding.

(audience laughs)

Well, what's the matter, son?

You're not saying anything.

What's your first words as a married man?

- Help! (audience laughs)

- Now, that's not the right attitude, son.

Now's the time for the groom to kiss the bride.

- Si, but first the groom must come into the room.

- What are you talking about?

He's the groom.

- Oh, no. (laughs)

He is only the proxy.

- Si, proxy, the groom is somewhere else.

- What is this, some kind of trick?

- No trick at all, Mr. Babcock.

Perfectly legal.

Let me introduce the groom.

- [Louise] Sam, we're married!

- Uncle Martin, if they're married, what am I?

- Tim, my boy, you are a proxy, a stand-in.

Miss Gonzales very kindly pointed out

that there is a $75 wedding in which the groom

does not have to be present.

I was glad to pay the difference.

- This is the first proxy wedding we ever had

where the groom was so close by.

Usually, they're heading for the border.

- I'm sorry about this, Mr. Babcock.

I hope you don't mind a switch in son-in-laws.

- No, Louise seems to like that one better.

And I think I do, too.

That one looks smarter.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, well. (laughs)

I feel like a celebration.

How about you people?

- If you don't mind, Louise and I would like to be excused.

- Oh, sure, Sam, we understand.

- It's getting kinda late, and, uh,

we want to get up early tomorrow

to get good seats for the bullfights. (audience laughs)

- Wait a minute.

I want something to remember this by.

(camera clicks) Thank you.

- Well, uh, what did you set it for?

- One year from now.

- And, uh, the verdict?

- Twins. (audience laughs)

(spirited theme music)