Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

- [Narrator] Hold it!

If you remember last week.

I said hold it!

That's better.

Now if you remember last week while being

pursued by Marshal Brennan, Uncle Martin and Tim

had to rescue Lauralee from some

very shady characters in the saloon.

A fight ensued and

(yells) for the last time, hold it!

Anyway, as they started to make their getaway,

they were captured by Marshal Brennan.

Before Uncle Martin could raise a levitating finger,

he found himself being handcuffed along with Tim.

And both were led away to jail,

leaving Lauralee to fend for herself in the Wild, Wild West.

(reproachful orchestral music)

- And, to the already existing charge of counterfeiting,

I'm adding breaking jail, grand theft,

assaulting an officer, and inciting to riot.

- Be my guest.

(audience laughs)

(ironic music)

(other-worldly music)

(beeps)

(whimsical music)

(changes to ominous music)

- Uncle Martin, I'm cognizant that arts and crafts

are great therapy for prison life,

but would you mind putting down that pencil and paper

and talking to me, I'm worried.

- Shut up, Tim, we're not licked yet.

- Oh well that's great advice which might

be appreciated by a postage stamp.

(audience laughs)

Me, I prefer something just a little more substantial.

Here we are in St. Joe, Missouri.

- I'm quite aware of that.

- In 1849.

- All we have to do is get back

to California and the time machine.

- Don't you think you're over-simplifying the problem?

It's not the same as following the yellow brick road.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

- First we get arrested by Brennan's great-grandfather

for spending two perfectly legitimate Roosevelt Dimes.

- Tim.

- And then we get away from him, we run into Mrs. Brown's

great grandmother, she gets robbed, we get blamed for it.

- Tim.

- I know, I know, all we have to do

is get her money back to her, then get her to California

otherwise there won't be a Mrs. Brown.

But here we are in jail.

- Are you finished?

- Yes.

- Good, now if you'll kindly extract yourself

from the mire of self-pity that you've been wallowing in,

I'd like to discuss our escape.

- Escape, why didn't you say so?

- 'Cause trying to interrupt you is more impossible

than trying to have the last word with an echo.

(audience laughs)

Now you better take this first.

- What is it?

- It's a map showing where the time machine is

and how to locate it by 1849 landmarks.

I want you to have it just in case

anything happens to me on the way.

With it, at least you can return in time.

- Well, Uncle Martin, I--

- Ah ah ah ah ah, let's dispense with the sentiment,

I'm not dying on the trail yet.

Now, how to get out of here.

(springing noise)

- Do you mean that you could've opened that at any time?

(audience laughs)

- The problem wasn't getting us out,

it's getting Brennan in.

We've gotta make sure that we get a good head start.

- Oh, you mean you're going to incarcerate him.

- Exactly.

All right Tim, the door's open,

if the Marshal tries to stop us we'll jump him.

He can't get us both at the same time, heh, heh, heh.

- Oh I can, cowboys, don't either of ya move.

And how'd you get that door open?

- Simple from in here, sir, the lock's catch doesn't hold.

- Oh, it doesn't, does it.

Okay, out there, where I can keep an eye on ya.

Get out there!

(ominous orchestral music)

There, that'll hold it.

(downward swooping noise)

(audience laughs)

- Marshal, you're absolutely right, that lock works fine.

Goodbye now, we've gotta catch a train.

- You come back, come back!

Stop or I'll, stop or I'll shoot.

(gun falls on the floor)

I could just scream.

(audience laughs)

- Sure hope they don't find him

'til we're a long way outta town.

- Yeah well the odds are in our favor,

the sherriff of St. Joe's away for two days and I doubt'

if anyone else has reason to inspect those cells.

(thumps)

- Now whaddaya know Pete, they done escaped from jail again.

Can't say they ain't got a lot a spirit.

- Yeah well I'm more worried if they still got that money

the won from me in the poker game.

- This one's cleaner than a turkey on Thanksgivin' Day.

- This one ain't got a dime--

What's this?

It's a map.

California, see.

Los Angeles, map.

- A mine, it's a map to a gold mine.

It's gotta be, that X is where you start diggin'.

We're gonna be rich, man.

- I er, you want everybody to know?

- What about them?

- Well now we just can't clutter up

the streets of St. Joe with criminals lyin' around.

(audience laughs)

(ominous music)

(groans)

- Ah well it's about time, I was beginning to think

you'd sleep through breakfast, too.

- Breakfast, ow.

- Oh but careful, careful there.

You've each got a lump on the back of your heads the size

of a silver dollar, well what happened to you anyway?

- Exactly what we'd like to know, dear lady.

How did we get here?

- Oh well I sort of stumbled over you

on the way back to my wagon.

Some of my neighbors were nice enough

to help carry you here.

After all I did feel I owed you something

for getting me the money for this wagon and all.

- Gesture we greatly appreciate, I assure you.

Yeah, well I think you better rest a mite more

while I get some more cold water for your heads.

- You know Uncle Martin, it couldn't have been robbery,

'Cause we didn't have a thing on us.

Uncle Martin, the map, it's gone.

- Are you sure?

- I'm positive, yeah.

- Whoever took that map is undoubtedly

under the illusion it's a map indicating a gold strike.

- A gold str-- (laughs), oh brother.

Boy is he gonna be surprised when he digs--

- When he digs up the CCTBS and not knowing what it is

they might very easily destroy it.

Tim, we've got to find whoever took that map.

- That's fine, where do we start looking?

- In the most logical place, if they're going

to California they must be on this train.

(adventurous music)

(harp)

(woman sighs)

- Ah, ah, Miss Gluts, my nephew and I

were just wondering if you perhaps

could use a couple of extra hands.

Oh, good heavens, no, one free charm is plenty thank you.

- What my uncle meant was, perhaps you

could use some help on your wagon.

- 'Cause after all even though you will be with the train

still a mighty perilous journey for a lone woman to make.

- Oh well I'm sure I'll be quite safe.

And besides, I'm afraid I've spent all of my--

- Money, don't even mention the word.

Food and lodging will suffice, ma'am.

Now you just go inside and relax.

We'll take care of everything from here on.

All right, hitch up the team, check the water barrels,

make sure the wheels and axles have been greased.

- Uncle Martin, now that you've helped Lauralee

would you mind tellin' me where I can get some extra hands?

(audience laughs)

(hopeful orchestral music)

What are you doing, mass mind reading?

- I'm still trying to locate who on this train has our map.

- Well that shouldn't be too hard,

all you have to do is find somebody

who can't think about anything else

but claiming a gold mine in California.

- Mm that's the trouble, this is 1849

and everybody down there's thinking the same thing.

(audience laughs)

(bright orchestral music)

(harmonica music)

- Did it ever occur to you that the guys

that took that map may not be in this train?

- Tim, it is highly unlikely that they

would set out cross-country from Missouri all by themselves.

- Oh, you may be right but, boy those guys

are sure keepin' to themselves, under wraps.

(yawns)

I'm tired, I'm gonna turn in, how about you?

- Hmm, oh no no, no thanks.

I think I'll stay up and read a while.

(audience laughs)

- Oh Tim, Tim I wonder if you'd mind doing me a favor

and taking this pie to the Harrison's for me.

They're about four or five wagons back.

- Oh sure, Miss Gluts, cream pie, eh?

Well um, what kind of a

that's sour cream.

- Well of course, silly, it's a sweet and sour cabbage pie.

(audience laughs)

- You're pulling my leg.

- Oh heavens, no.

Maybe your pants are caught in your boot.

(audience laughs)

(bright orchestral music)

(ominous music)

(harp)

- I told you it was them, Pete.

D'you think they know we're on the train?

- Nah, we've kept outta sight real good.

'Sides, they can't prove we took their map.

- We still oughta fill 'em so

full of holes you can't mail 'em home.

Get rid of 'em once and for all.

- What and have the whole wagon train down on our necks?

Red, don't let your mind go wanderin'.

It's too small to go out by itself.

(audience laughs)

Wait a minute, I've got a real practical way

to get them fellas from botherin' us.

(harmonica music)

(snores)

- Tim, Tim.

Tim, wake up.

- What, ugh what.

- Lauralee.

- What?

- Lauralee, she's gone.

- Huh?

- Forget about the map or trying to get the gold mine

or you'll never see your lady friend again.

(leaves crunch)

You know, Uncle Martin, it's times like these

when things look darkest, and the whole world

looks like it's gonna cave in,

that men like us have to pull our shoulders back

and raise our heads to the heavens and shout

"I want my mother."

(audience laughs)

(ominous orchestral music)

(harp)

(bright orchestral music)

(levitation sound)

Anything?

- Tim I've got my human vibrational scanner

open all the way and nary a ping nor a pong.

- Oh fine.

- Ah but cheer up, remember, today's

gray clouds are tomorrow's blue skies.

- Uncle Martin, if there's one thing

I don't need right now, it's a weather report.

(audience laughs)

(pinging noise)

- Tim, I pinged.

- Good for you.

(pinging noise)

- I pinged again.

(ponging noise)

And now I've ponged.

- I'm standing here burning to a crisp

and you're playing ping pong.

- Tim you don't understand, two pings and a pong.

The pong is undoubtedly Lauralee.

- Well come on, what are we waiting for, let's go.

(harp)

(ominous orchestral music)

- Looks like we got here just in time,

they're about to break camp.

- Yeah, but how're we gonna stop 'em.

They've got guns, we haven't.

- The odds are slightly uneven, I admit.

However they'll just have to suffer the consequences.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, aren't you a little mixed up?

I said that they have the guns.

- Only guns, we have far greater weapons

to turn against them, their own minds.

(laughs)

- What are you gonna do, mow 'em down with a headache?

(audience laughs)

- Almost, a well-aimed shot of

delusionary illusion should send them running.

Fear, Tim, is a much greater

destructive force than gunpowder.

Now let's see, I should have something in my historical

motion picture bank to turn against them.

Something that I could project, yes of course, now.

(other-worldly music)

(clicks)

(dinosaur roars)

- Imaginary illusion?

(turning-off noise)

(audience laughs)

Boy, you sure must have some crazy

shooting galleries back home.

- My, what in the world made them run off like that?

- What in the world, indeed.

I'm afraid that'll always be a mystery, Lauralee.

- Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin you are a genius.

They took off so fast they didn't even take the map.

Say Uncle Martin, do you have any more movies

in the mental motion picture bank of yours.

Yeah well then, you have some westerns

with Indians in 'em don't you?

- Yes.

- Well turn off, will you please?

- What are you talking about, it is off.

- It is?

- Yes.

- Well then, take a look what's on the live stage.

(tribal music)

(chants and yells)

Well I don't dig the lyric, but I have a funny

feeling they're playing our song.

(audience laughs)

- Yes they are, our swan song.

- What, you mean you speak their language?

- Eh, just enough to get by on.

I'm really much better at Comanchee.

- Well do something, tell 'em we're friends.

- Tim, these are Yuma Indians.

One of the most treacherous tribes in the west.

They aren't interested in developing their social life.

- There's gotta be something you can do.

- Well our only chance is for me to get out there

and convince the medicine man to let us go.

- Well just how do you intend to do that?

- Hmm, by following the ancient adage

I started a long time ago, if you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

(audience laughs)

(harp)

(downward swooping noise)

(upward swooping noise)

- Hey, what about me?

- Well I'm afraid you'll have to stay here for a while, Tim.

I've got to go this alone.

(upward swooping noise)

(sighs)

- Well, looks who's here.

- Oh there a, so the injuns got you too.

- Oh Marshal, you have remarkable sense of observation.

- And they've got a woman prisoner, too.

Say, where's your partner?

- Who, yeah, Uncle Martin, well uh he

- Managed to get away and save his own skin, huh?

Figured him to be a coward, I tell you--

- Marshal, they say that talk is cheap,

you must get yours wholesale.

(audience laughs)

(chants and yells)

(downward swooping noise)

(speaks in foreign language)

- Come, great warrior spirit come down from sun.

Where other paleface?

(groans)

(speaks in foreign language)

Other paleface gone, escaped.

(yells)

- Easy Tim, it's only me.

- Uncle Martin, what are you doing in that getup?

- Playing the great warrior spirit

come down in person to get his sacrifices.

(roars)

(sighs)

- Golden hair hangs nice from spirit's belt.

- Oh, go on with ya, I bet you tell that to all the squaws.

- I'll take all three of them.

- But what of other paleface who ran away?

- You wait, we catch.

- Forget him, you can owe me one.

(ominous tribal music)

- Well there not marchin' me out to

get scalped now without a fight anyway.

- Yeah.

- Oh. (mumbles)

- Well you did it this time, Brennan.

And I almost had us out of here.

(speaks in foreign language)

- But how?

- There's no time for a question-and-answer period.

Take Lauralee and two of those horses

and head for Fort Yuma.

Tim and I'll try to decoy, okay you stay here Tim.

(otherworldly vibration noise)

(audience laughs)

- There, that should freeze them temporarily.

- How temporarily?

- In this heat, they could thaw out

in no time at all, come on.

(bright orchestral music)

(harp)

(harp)

(cheers and war cries)

(harp)

- Well, do you think we lost 'em?

- I think so.

Our best chance is to make it to the CCTBS

before anyone makes it to us.

- Yeah but what about Brennan and Lauralee?

- She should be in Yuma by now,

and I hope we've lost Brennan as

easily as we did those Indians.

- Yeah.

(springing sound)

(harp)

(bright orchestral music)

- Don't worry, Marshal, we'll see that Miss Gluts

reaches her destination safely.

- Fine, now there's only one more request I have Colonel,

I'd like a detail of your men to help me

bring in my prisoners if the Injuns didn't get 'em first.

- Oh but William, they helped us to escape.

- Now Lauralee a lawman's job isn't always a pleasant one.

But it has to be done.

- Marshal my men are at your disposal.

(harp)

(bugle calls)

(drums and chants)

(trumpet fanfare)

(drums)

(trumpet fanfare)

(harp)

(yells)

(tribal music)

(trumpet fanfare)

(tribal music)

(trumpet fanfare)

(harp)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Are you sure that this is where

Mrs. Brown's house is supposed to be?

- Of course I'm sure, right over there is Wilsher Boulevard,

and that's Sunset Boulevard up that way.

That should make this the handcar park area.

- Of course, how silly of me.

(otherworldly vibrating sound)

- Uh oh.

- What?

- Oh Tim, we're getting company, look.

(gunshots and tribal music)

- Holy cow, they must've picked up

a lot of friends on the way.

- If you think that's something, look over there.

(trumpet fanfare and ominous orchestral music)

- Then what are we gonna do?

- Find that CCTVS and fast, this won't hold for long.

(harp and otherworldly vibration noise)

(tribal music)

(audience laughs)

(harp and otherworldly vibration noise)

(trumpet fanfare)

- Here, Tim, here it is, hurry.

Well it looks all right, I just hope the elements

haven't corroded any of the parts.

- Uncle Martin, this is no time to test it.

Here they come again.

(trumpet fanfare)

(tribal music)

(audience laughs)

- All right cross your fingers, Tim, and bon voyage!

(beeps)

(otherworldly sounds)

(coughs)

- Did it work, Uncle Martin?

- I'm right here, Tim.

- What happened, did we make it?

- By the, if we can clear the

smoke away, I think we're home.

- I found a door.

(breathes heavily)

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin, Uncle Martin we made it.

- Yeah, yes but I'm afraid the CCTBS is a bit worn.

The corrosion of some of its parts for overexposure

has caused quite a bit of short-circuiting.

- That's too bad.

Can you repair it?

- Yes, it'll take some time, but I can do it.

- Well the important thing is we're home,

back, we're safe and sound.

Boy this food looks pretty uh, yuck.

(audience laughs)

I'd like a hot shower, you know.

Hey what say you barbecue a couple of king-sized steaks.

- Good, good idea, I'll get 'em out

of the freezer right this minute.

- Uncle Martin.

- Yes, Tim?

- How long do you think it'll take to fix that time machine?

- Oh it'll take a couple of weeks, give or take a day or so.

- Well then I suggest you set another place at the table.

(tribal music)

(audience laughs)

(bright orchestral music)

(tribal music)

- Well how do you like yours, medium, rare, well-done?

(audience laughs)

(tribal music)

(bright orchestral music)