Original subtitles

(cheerful instrumental music)

- Uncle Martin, when are you going to stop wasting time

with that time machine gizmo of yours

and start working on something useful?

(grapefruit squirts)

Like building radar so you can tell from which direction

a grapefruit is gonna squirt.

- When are you going to stop referring

to every scientific achievement as a gizmo,

a gimmick, or a doohickey?

The proper nomenclature is cathode ray,

centrifugal time brachoscope.

Now would you mind finishing the grapefruit

at the dinner table, or else fetch me an umbrella?

- Sorry.

Say,

do you really think that centurfa --

that centrif --

- Doohickey.

- Yeah.

You think that's going to get you back home?

- I'm sure of it.

Once I can lick the fine tuning problem

and set myself for the exact time prior to the crash,

I can correct the malfunction of my ship

and fly back to Mars.

- It just occurred to me that,

if you alter time so that you were never here,

I won't be able to remember you.

- Please, Tim, spare me the sentimentality.

The weakest part of a Martian's anatomy

is his tear ducts.

We cry a lot.

(door knocking)

- Yoo-hoo, Martin, it's me, Lorelei.

- Lorelei, what a pleasant surprise.

You've made my day.

And ruined my night.

Good evening, Detective Brennan.

- It was, until Lorelei insisted we drop up here

to see you.

Well, well.

What time-saving device hath the Thomas Edison

of Cucamonga wrought today?

Don't tell me, it's an alarm clock that doesn't ring.

For late risers who don't have jobs.

- Oh, my, what a wonderful idea.

That would be a perfect gift for my brother-in-law

next Christmas.

Bill and I are going to the movies,

and I thought maybe you'd like to join us.

- Thank you Lorelei,

but I'm afraid I have a lot of work to do.

- Well, things are looking brighter again.

Shall we go, Lorelei?

Ta-ta, and oh, oh, oh.

Don't forget to put away your tinker toy

before you get into your jammies.

- (sighs) That Brennan.

If it weren't for one thing, I'd break him in half.

- What thing?

- I'd be stuck with two of him.

(machine beeping)

- What happened?

- The CCTBS.

Brennan must have flipped the delayed action switch.

- How about these clothes?

Where'd we get these clothes?

- Well, when the CCTBS throws us back in time,

it converts our clothes to the locale and era.

- We're not on West Mars, are we?

- I strongly doubt it.

West Mars does not include a city named St. Louis.

- St. Louis?

(laughs) Oh, that's not St. Louis.

I know, I've been there plenty of times.

- In 1849?

(cheerful instrumental music)

(beeping)

(mysterious instrumental music)

(beeping)

(cheerful instrumental music)

("Camptown Races")

- Well, I still don't understand.

Do you mean to tell me that your time machine

threw us all the way back to 1849?

All right, why St. Louis of all places?

- The dial just happened to be on those points

when Brennan activated the delayed action switch.

- Oh, well, being as I don't know anybody in town,

especially in the year 1849, would you mind

flicking whatever switches have to be flicked,

and we'll just get right on back to Los --

To Los Angeles --

The CCTBS?

I don't see it around anywhere.

- Of course you don't see it around anywhere.

The machine went back in 1849 time as well.

But as neither of us was holding it,

it remained in its same locale

in Mrs. Brown's house in California.

- Well, thank goodness it's safe.

- It isn't.

Mrs. Brown's house is not to be built for another 100 years.

- Do you mean that machine is out in the middle of that --

- Undeveloped land.

Exposed to the elements and who knows what.

- What are we waiting for?

Come on, let's go get it.

- Come back here, come back here.

2,000 miles to go.

And wagon trains west don't leave every 15 minutes.

The Riverboat to St. Joe leaves at six.

- St. Joe?

- It's one of the jumping off spots

for wagons going west on the Santa Fe trail.

I've already worked out where we will probably --

- Yep.

- What's this?

- These are nine-course meals for the sum total

of 10 cents each.

Every time we eat out, we ought to come back here.

At these prices, we can't afford not to.

Here you are, my good man, and keep the change.

- Tim, wait.

Tim, you shouldn't have done that.

- Oh, come on, let's not quibble about the tab,

Uncle Martin.

I know a nickel might be over-tipping, but --

- I'm not referring to your generous nature,

but merely to the currency with which you paid the waiter.

- Why, what's wrong with it?

- It's counterfeit, that's what.

- That's ridiculous.

- It's a buffalo nickel

and two perfectly good Roosevelt dimes.

- I've seen a buffalo before,

but what's a Roosevelt?

- That looks like ...

Brennan.

I can't believe it.

How'd he get here?

- Not Brennan, Tim.

Brennan's great-grandfather.

I recall Detective Brennan remarking

that there was a lawman in his family

as long as he could remember.

But I never thought to rue the day

I'd meet up with another one.

- Now rue this.

Look, it's 5:30.

That riverboat's gonna leave at six o'clock.

- A fact I'm well aware of, thank you.

And I suggest that you remove that wristwatch.

- Why?

- They aren't to become an innovation for some time yet.

- It's lucky we weren't thrown further back in time.

I'd have a very hard time wearing a sundial.

What are you doing?

- I'm trying to levitate the keys out of his pocket.

But he's sitting on them.

I'm afraid we're going to have to take more drastic measures

to break out.

Now for a little practical ventriloquism.

OK, Marshal, hands up.

Don't turn around.

Just get the keys to the cell

and let my buddies out.

Hurry up.

Don't try any funny stuff.

(keys jingling)

(cell door slamming)

There she is.

- There she goes.

We're too late, look.

- Instantly remedied, I assure you.

- Pull around.

Pull on it, pull.

- Let's see, the fare in those days

was something like one cent a mile.

That would be $3 a head to St. Joe.

How much money have you got?

- Four bucks.

- Excellent.

You're the only one who will need fare.

- Oh no, mm-mm, I'm not going back into the clink.

Not for using this kind of money again.

- Just hold out your hand.

Hold it out.

That's it.

All it needed was some slight re-engraving.

- Hey.

The Western Branch of the Carson City Bank.

Won't this sort of foul up their books?

- The news hasn't reached here yet,

but history has it, the bank burned down yesterday.

All the books were destroyed.

Now, for goodness sakes,

my finger's beginning to ache.

Will you get on board?

- Where will you be?

- Right behind you as always.

- Uncle Martin?

Hey, hey, look.

- Stop that boat!

Stop that boat!

(whistle sounds)

- Well, what can I say at a time like this, but

bon voyage!

- We're certainly not breaking any speed records.

- I think their means of transportation has improved

a great deal since my last trip on the Missouri.

- Your last trip?

- With Lewis and Clark in 1804.

All we had then was a canoe.

- Help!

Help, my money!

I've been robbed!

What in the world did you do that for?

- Mrs. Brown!

- Who?

- Mrs. Brown!

- I don't know what you're talking about, young man.

My name is Glutz.

- Glutz.

Lorelei Glutz.

In time to come, the great-grandmother of Mrs. Brown.

- Oh dear, he was chasing after the man who robbed me.

If you hadn't stopped him, he'd have probably caught him.

Oh dear, what am I going to do now?

- Fear not, dear lady.

My nephew and I will try to find the culprit for you.

- Oh.

- You've really done it this time.

With Lorelei's dowry gone, she'll never be able

to go west, meet the man she's supposed to marry,

and eventually produce a daughter,

who in turn will produce Lorelei as we know her.

- Wait a minute.

Do you mean that when we get back,

there won't be any Mrs. Brown?

- Nor Mrs. Brown's house, nor a garage housing my spaceship.

That is, unless we get Lorelei Glutz's money back for her.

Now come on.

- Those two gonna cause us any trouble, Pete?

- Could be.

Only I think we can cause them some trouble first.

- You mean we're gonna plug 'em, Pete?

- No need to.

Those are two guys the marshal locked up over there

in St. Louis.

They must have broke out of the jail there.

All we gotta do is be law-abiding citizens,

tell the captain, let the law do the rest for us.

- (laughs) That's a funny one, Pete.

You and me, law-abiding citizens. (laughs)

- Well, have you heard any good criminal minds lately?

- Nothing more than a little bit of larceny

most earthlings have in them.

- Hey.

How about him, he looks pretty shifty-eyed, huh?

- A fine thing to say about the man

who's due to become your 15th President.

- Buchanan?

- Runaway convicts, eh?

Well, we'll throw them in the brig until we get to St. Joe.

Turn 'em over to the sheriff there, come on.

- Tim, if my mind doesn't deceive me,

we're about to be arrested,

in place of the very men we've been looking for.

Well, just don't stand there waiting to serve them coffee,

let's go. - Go?

- Go. - Go where?

- Over the side! - But, but --

You know something, Uncle Martin?

You get us into more hot water than a flow-through teabag.

- Don't start writing your memoirs just yet, Tim.

We've still got quite a few chapters to go yet.

Until we can get to St. Joe

and get Lorelei Glutz's money back for us,

we can't even begin to think of our own problems.

- Would you mind telling me just how you plan

on getting to St. Joe?

Swimming the English Channel, that's one thing.

But swimming the Missouri River, lengthwise?

That's something else.

- Tim, I have no intention of using hands and feet

to propel us to our destination,

when a finger can do the job for us.

Hmm, now let me see.

That one there, that looks good.

That should do the job.

Timber!

- Shades of Paul Bunyan.

- Don't knock yourself out, Tim.

You're just paddling for show.

(finger making motorboat sounds)

- How do you know that Lorelei Brown, or Glutz,

or whatever her name is, is still in St. Joe?

- I doubt she could be anywhere else

without any money.

Oh, I beg your pardon, sir, but I was looking

for a young lady, blonde, five foot four,

quite attractive.

Her name is Glutz, Lorelei Glutz.

You see anything of her?

(horse grunting)

I don't suppose you have any idea of where she might be.

(horse grunting)

Where?

(horse whinnying)

A saloon?

Which one?

(horse whinnying)

Oh, Big Jim's Gold Nugget?

Our two friends from the boat seem to be working

for Big Jim.

(Tim sighs)

- Figure they found something, look.

So is Lorelei.

- * Oh Susana, don't you cry for me

* I come from Alabama with a banjo my knee

* I had a dream the other night when everything was still

* I dreamed I saw Susana coming down the hill

* A red, red rose was in her cheek

* A tear was in her eye

- She's working as a dance hall girl.

- Obviously trying to earn passage money west.

- * Oh Susana, don't you cry for me

* I come from Alabama with a banjo on my knee

* With a banjo on my knee

* With a banjo on my knee

(applause)

- Looks like reunion night.

- Brennan, he must have caught the next riverboat.

- That's just great.

We need him around here like Custer needed more Indians.

- Two redeyes, please.

- Redeyes?

- It's a drink.

Quite strong.

But we'll need it if I'm to accomplish what I have to.

- What? - Drink.

(glasses clinking)

- How'd you do that?

- I simply speeded up the follicle growth process

by stimulating the metabolic and adrenaline systems.

- You know something, Uncle Martin?

If you could be bottled, you'd ruin the toupee industry

in a week.

- Save the pat on the back for later.

We've still got to get Lorelei out of here

on the next wagon train.

There won't be another one leaving for weeks.

- Yup.

- Lorelei, you're a high quality lady,

and you know, you're driving me to distraction.

- Oh, I couldn't do that, Mr. McCloud.

I don't even know my way around St. Joe.

- Oh, Lorelei, you don't want to go out west.

Stay here and be my woman.

This is gonna be a big town someday,

and I'll own it all.

I do most of it now.

- I've got to move faster than that line he's giving her.

- Just anything you want, Lorelei.

Just name it and it's yours.

- There's my opening.

Now for a little subliminal hypnosis.

- An advance on my $4 salary.

I want to play poker.

- Poker?

- Poker?

- Tim, this is no time to play Little Sir Echo.

What better poetic justice than for Lorelei

to get her money back in a crooked card game,

and from the very men who robbed her?

- Oh.

(sinister instrumental music)

- Wha --

What happened?

- Well, let's just say you missed by a whisker. (chuckles)

You didn't expect that brush on your lip

to fool us, did you?

I gotta get back to the game.

Red, fetch the marshal.

- Marshal?

Wait a minute, gentlemen.

Perhaps we can talk this thing over.

- Sorry pal.

The only thing that talks is money.

Yeah.

I can hear that $1,000 reward for you two

calling me right now.

- OK, Uncle Martin.

Come on, just wave that magic finger of yours

and get us out of here.

Come on.

- It's no use, Tim.

They've got my hands tied in such a way

I can't get my finger free.

- That's just great.

Now what are we going to do?

- Well, let me think.

Hmm.

I wonder if it would work.

- What?

- My nose, I saw it done on your television once.

Well, it's worth a try.

Aim your ropes at my nose.

- At your nose?

- Yes, aim your ropes at my nose.

Do it.

- That is one of the wildest things I've ever seen.

- I'll never knock your earthly television programs again.

Come on, let's go.

- I'll bet a dollar.

- Tell Red I'll be in my office.

- Uncle Martin, without the mustaches, we'll be recognized.

- I can't help it.

The follicles can only be revitalized

once in 24 hours.

We'll just have to chance it.

(clears throat)

(Lorelei gasps)

- Oh, it's you guys.

(dramatic instrumental music)

- Well, I guess we lose.

- On the contrary.

Everybody wins.

- Oh, four aces.

- Wait a minute, I've got four aces.

- [Gambler] And I've got four aces!

(coins jingling)

- Hey, if you all had four aces,

who had the next highest card?

- We've been robbed!

We've been robbed!

(crowd clamoring)

- Here's your money, dear lady.

Before anything else happens to it or to you,

get your wagon and supplies and sign up with the train.

- Oh, I couldn't take this.

I thought we were just playing for fun.

- Mrs. Glutz, please, please, take it.

Take it and remember our quote I'm about to turn

into a cliche.

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

I'm glad that's off our minds.

- Now all you have to worry about is me.

- [Narrator] Will Marshal Brennan get his prisoners

back to the St. Louis jail?

Will Martin allow himself to be taken prisoner?

Will he and Tim find the CCTBS in time

to return to the present?

- And will I ever get to California,

and have a family and children and grandchildren?

- [Narrator] If you'll be watching next week

to see what happens to your favorite Martian.

(cheerful instrumental music)