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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,520
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,520 --> 00:00:07,520
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,520 --> 00:00:09,520
♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,520 --> 00:00:11,560
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:11,560 --> 00:00:16,760
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:16,760 --> 00:00:19,280
♪ And I need you today
7
00:00:19,280 --> 00:00:22,160
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
8
00:00:22,160 --> 00:00:25,760
I really can't understand
the demonization of pigeons.
9
00:00:25,760 --> 00:00:27,680
I think they're nice.
10
00:00:27,680 --> 00:00:30,040
And they really helped us out
during the war,
11
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:32,360
you know, delivering messages
and stuff.
12
00:00:32,360 --> 00:00:34,360
They're really intelligent.
13
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,880
You're not meant to smoke in here.
14
00:00:36,880 --> 00:00:40,800
Am I not? Well, of course not.
They're bad for your health.
15
00:00:40,800 --> 00:00:42,640
First I've heard of it.
16
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:46,240
Fake news.
17
00:00:46,240 --> 00:00:49,920
Smoking will knock 15 years
off your life.
18
00:00:49,920 --> 00:00:51,720
15 years?!
19
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,840
That means I'll be dead by...
20
00:00:55,840 --> 00:00:58,280
Well, the most important thing...
Hang on. Nearly there.
21
00:01:00,280 --> 00:01:01,760
2026.
22
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:05,120
That's terrible. World's Strongest
Man is coming to Gateshead in 2030 -
23
00:01:05,120 --> 00:01:06,400
I can't miss that.
24
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,480
Well, stop smoking, eat healthy food
and stay active
25
00:01:09,480 --> 00:01:12,040
and there's no reason
you couldn't go to Gateshead.
26
00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,480
What do you mean, eat healthy?
27
00:01:13,480 --> 00:01:17,520
Well, do you have your five portions
of fruit and veg? Yes, done that.
28
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:19,280
What do you mean, you've done it?
29
00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:22,040
Well, I had a banana
in the early '80s,
30
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:24,040
had some broccoli in 1984.
31
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,640
1990, I had a corn on the cob.
32
00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:29,520
That were actually quite nice
so I had another in 1993.
33
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:32,040
And on 9/11, I had a toffee apple,
34
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:34,160
just to cheer meself up.
35
00:01:34,160 --> 00:01:36,400
No, you've
fundamentally misunderstood
36
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,800
the concept of five a day.
37
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,600
A day?! You're joking?!
Who's got time for that?
38
00:01:40,600 --> 00:01:42,760
Look, if you want to go
to Gateshead,
39
00:01:42,760 --> 00:01:45,040
you're going to have to make
some changes.
40
00:01:45,040 --> 00:01:48,280
I need to get to Gateshead.
What do I need to do? Tell me.
41
00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,280
Eat healthy food...
42
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:53,520
..get some exercise
43
00:01:53,520 --> 00:01:57,400
and there are various things
you can do to stop smoking.
44
00:01:57,400 --> 00:02:00,920
Patches, gums, hypnotherapy.
45
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:04,280
But I'm going to give you
a prescription
46
00:02:04,280 --> 00:02:06,520
for some pills to help you
47
00:02:06,520 --> 00:02:11,320
because your uterus really
should not be mustard yellow.
48
00:02:11,320 --> 00:02:13,520
What colour should it be?
49
00:02:13,520 --> 00:02:16,000
Well, pink, obviously.
50
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:19,440
Who knew?
51
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:30,520
Oh, look at you
in your new tracksuit.
52
00:02:30,520 --> 00:02:32,600
MANDY GASPS FOR BREATH
53
00:02:40,240 --> 00:02:42,760
This is the new me, Lola.
54
00:02:42,760 --> 00:02:47,280
I'm going to exercise, eat better
and I'm giving up smoking
55
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,920
cos me uterus
has gone mustard yellow.
56
00:02:49,920 --> 00:02:52,760
What colour is it supposed to be?
Pink, apparently.
57
00:02:53,800 --> 00:02:56,040
How's the nicotine cravings? Fine.
58
00:02:56,040 --> 00:02:59,080
Every time I fancy a fag,
just take some of these.
59
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,760
Good for you.
60
00:03:00,760 --> 00:03:03,440
To be honest, Lola, it's
the exercise that's killing me.
61
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:05,920
I've tried running
and it's an absolute shithouse.
62
00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:09,040
Why not get a dog?
I had a friend who was 18 stone.
63
00:03:09,040 --> 00:03:11,360
She got a dog, walked it every day,
64
00:03:11,360 --> 00:03:14,320
and now she's only
17-and-a-half stone.
65
00:03:14,320 --> 00:03:17,040
I can't afford one.
Otherwise, you know me, Lola,
66
00:03:17,040 --> 00:03:19,680
I'd have a Dobermann Pinscher
like that.
67
00:03:19,680 --> 00:03:21,840
You could walk other people's dogs.
68
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:26,280
That's a great idea.
69
00:03:29,680 --> 00:03:33,360
MUSIC: Eat Y'self Fitter by The Fall
70
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,760
INAUDIBLE
71
00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,880
He's a big dog, in't he?
72
00:03:55,880 --> 00:03:57,600
Yeah.
73
00:03:57,600 --> 00:03:59,520
He's a good boy, Max.
74
00:03:59,520 --> 00:04:02,920
He's been such a comfort
since my wife died.
75
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:05,320
Well, he's all...
Can I walk him or what?
76
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:09,520
Well, actually...
77
00:04:09,520 --> 00:04:13,520
..it's my turn to host the widowers'
support group this evening
78
00:04:13,520 --> 00:04:16,760
so, yeah, you could take him
for a walk for a couple of hours.
79
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,160
Great.
80
00:04:19,160 --> 00:04:23,680
He always tries to hump Keith's leg,
which is a bit distressing for him,
81
00:04:23,680 --> 00:04:25,280
so, erm...
82
00:04:25,280 --> 00:04:29,280
Anyhow, I'm at 12 Lavender Lane.
83
00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:31,520
Right. I promise not to hurt him.
84
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:33,040
Great.
85
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,560
Come round about 5:30!
86
00:04:35,560 --> 00:04:37,280
All right. Yeah, yeah...
87
00:04:39,280 --> 00:04:42,280
Hey, great tip
about the dog walking, Lola.
88
00:04:43,280 --> 00:04:45,280
I've got the healthy eating sorted,
too.
89
00:04:45,280 --> 00:04:46,440
That's my girl.
90
00:04:46,440 --> 00:04:48,360
I'm going to do vegetable smoothies.
91
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,680
Only that sounds a bit dull,
dun't it,
92
00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:53,480
so I'm going to throw in some meat
as well, ease meself in.
93
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,200
Oh, excuse me,
94
00:05:00,200 --> 00:05:03,080
your bag, it's dripping blood
all over my Yellow Pages.
95
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,680
Oh, it'll wipe off.
96
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:07,800
Well, it's everywhere.
Please, could you move it?
97
00:05:07,800 --> 00:05:09,520
Oh, Jesus Christ!
98
00:05:09,520 --> 00:05:11,760
All right, all right!
99
00:05:11,760 --> 00:05:15,640
Is this what you want? This?
Do you want me to remove it for you?
100
00:05:15,640 --> 00:05:17,520
What are you looking for, hm?
101
00:05:17,520 --> 00:05:20,040
A plumber?
Looking for a plumber, were you?
102
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:22,120
You're not going to find him now,
are you, eh?!
103
00:05:22,120 --> 00:05:23,960
Find him now!
104
00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,760
Find your little plumber.
105
00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:28,360
Oh, Yellow Pages.
Looking at the Yellow Pages.
106
00:05:28,360 --> 00:05:29,880
Oooh!
107
00:05:37,520 --> 00:05:39,520
Look what you made me do.
108
00:05:45,520 --> 00:05:47,760
I don't know what came over me,
Lola.
109
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:50,360
A red mist came up
and I just blacked out.
110
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:52,520
Let me have a look at those pills.
111
00:05:52,520 --> 00:05:57,040
"Side effects include increased
appetite, sleeplessness and..."
112
00:05:57,040 --> 00:05:59,360
Yes, "violent mood swings"!
113
00:05:59,360 --> 00:06:03,040
Mandy, you cannot eat these pills.
What am I going to do, Lola?
114
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,280
I need to stop smoking
or I'll not live
115
00:06:05,280 --> 00:06:07,280
to see the Strongman competition.
116
00:06:07,280 --> 00:06:08,880
You should try hypnotherapy.
117
00:06:08,880 --> 00:06:10,840
Where am I going to
find one of those?
118
00:06:10,840 --> 00:06:12,360
Yellow Pages.
119
00:06:12,360 --> 00:06:14,400
Let your fingers do the walking.
120
00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:19,280
Oh, H is covered in blood.
121
00:06:21,480 --> 00:06:22,800
I know.
122
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:26,320
♪ Eat y'self fitter?
Eat y'self fitter! ♪
123
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,360
Yeah, I'm not really
that kind of hypnotist.
124
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,760
I'm more a make you dance
like Rod Stewart
125
00:06:35,760 --> 00:06:38,280
to "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"
kind of hypnotist.
126
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:41,040
Oh, go on. I'll give you 20 quid.
127
00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:44,920
And whatever this is.
128
00:06:47,520 --> 00:06:49,560
Yeah, all right, I'll give it a go.
129
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:04,040
Smoking, is it?
130
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:06,760
Yeah.
131
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,760
Given up smoking, me.
I've been hypnotised not to.
132
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,760
I'm really enjoying it.
133
00:07:12,760 --> 00:07:14,520
Don't miss it at all.
134
00:07:14,520 --> 00:07:16,040
Not at all.
135
00:07:16,040 --> 00:07:17,760
No, if I get a craving,
136
00:07:17,760 --> 00:07:20,600
I'll just have, like,
a healthy smoothie or something.
137
00:07:20,600 --> 00:07:24,120
And if that doesn't hit the spot,
I'll just throw some meat in,
138
00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,920
give it a bit of oomph.
139
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:28,520
Yeah, I got all this
from the butcher for a fiver
140
00:07:28,520 --> 00:07:30,360
cos he said it were going off.
141
00:07:30,360 --> 00:07:32,040
Most of it's still quite pink.
142
00:07:32,040 --> 00:07:34,360
That's the colour
I'd like my lungs to be.
143
00:07:34,360 --> 00:07:36,520
And my uterus...
144
00:07:36,520 --> 00:07:38,160
..eventually.
145
00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:41,520
Anyway, what time is it?
146
00:07:41,520 --> 00:07:45,520
Oh, bloody hell, I can't sit here
gassing with you all day!
147
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,240
I've got to walk that bloke's dog.
148
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:51,840
KNOCK ON DOOR
149
00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,480
Hiya. I've come for Max.
150
00:08:01,480 --> 00:08:03,040
Of course.
151
00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,720
Max.
152
00:08:04,720 --> 00:08:08,080
Max!
153
00:08:08,080 --> 00:08:10,240
Come here, boy.
Come here, then.
154
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:14,520
Erm, these are his treats.
155
00:08:14,520 --> 00:08:17,280
Make sure he doesn't have
more than three,
156
00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:19,360
but don't let him have
less than one.
157
00:08:20,880 --> 00:08:24,480
These are his, erm, poo bags.
158
00:08:26,920 --> 00:08:29,800
This is a coat for him
in case it rains.
159
00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:35,520
And this is a little hat for him
in case it's sunny.
160
00:08:35,520 --> 00:08:37,040
Yeah...
HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY
161
00:08:37,040 --> 00:08:39,800
Bye-bye, Max. Bye-bye.
162
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,360
Love you, Max.
163
00:08:41,360 --> 00:08:43,280
Love you so, so much.
164
00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,800
I'll miss you, my little sausage.
Yes.
165
00:08:47,040 --> 00:08:50,720
Love you, Max. You'll be back
with Daddy soon. Yes, yes, yes.
166
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:53,120
Love you. Love you. Love you, Max.
167
00:08:53,120 --> 00:08:55,040
Yes, you will. Yes.
168
00:08:55,040 --> 00:08:57,760
Love you. Love you so much.
Love you.
169
00:08:58,760 --> 00:09:02,160
You'll take good care of him,
won't you? Yeah, I won't hurt it.
170
00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:03,480
Come on.
171
00:09:24,320 --> 00:09:26,040
Max, slow down!
172
00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,760
DOG BARKS
173
00:09:31,240 --> 00:09:34,920
MUSIC: Eat Y'self Fitter
by The Fall
174
00:10:05,760 --> 00:10:08,040
♪ Heifer whines
175
00:10:08,040 --> 00:10:11,040
♪ Could be human cries
176
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:17,040
♪ Closer comes
177
00:10:17,040 --> 00:10:19,800
♪ The screaming knife... ♪
178
00:10:19,800 --> 00:10:21,520
Oh, God.
179
00:10:22,520 --> 00:10:24,960
♪ This beautiful creature
must die... ♪
180
00:10:24,960 --> 00:10:26,520
Oh, God!
181
00:10:28,520 --> 00:10:30,400
Oh, God, no.
182
00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:35,280
Oh, God! Oh, sweet Jesus,
what have I done?
183
00:10:40,280 --> 00:10:42,760
Since she's gone,
184
00:10:42,760 --> 00:10:45,520
I've...I've been living
on boiled eggs.
185
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:49,280
I don't even know
how to work the oven.
186
00:10:51,520 --> 00:10:55,040
One silly little thing I've done
187
00:10:55,040 --> 00:10:58,280
to, erm, to keep her memory alive
188
00:10:58,280 --> 00:11:03,760
is I've changed the ringtone
on my phone
189
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,040
to her favourite song.
190
00:11:07,760 --> 00:11:09,760
A bit silly, really.
191
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:18,040
It's funny, Keith not turning up.
192
00:11:18,040 --> 00:11:20,240
Not like him at all.
193
00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:25,520
KNOCK ON DOOR
194
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:27,280
Maybe that's him.
195
00:11:28,280 --> 00:11:29,880
Excuse me.
196
00:11:35,040 --> 00:11:37,280
CRIES: I've got some terrible news.
197
00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:39,760
What is it?
198
00:11:40,760 --> 00:11:42,280
Where's Max?
199
00:11:43,280 --> 00:11:44,720
He's dead.
200
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:47,760
I think I've eaten him.
201
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:52,680
What do you mean?
202
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:56,520
I've been taking these pills.
203
00:11:56,520 --> 00:11:59,040
They've turned me into a monster.
204
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,120
I tore Max limb from limb. No.
205
00:12:02,120 --> 00:12:05,120
No, not...not Max as well.
206
00:12:05,120 --> 00:12:08,040
I have these mood swings,
these blackouts.
207
00:12:09,040 --> 00:12:11,920
One of the side-effects
is increased appetite.
208
00:12:12,920 --> 00:12:14,440
So...
209
00:12:15,440 --> 00:12:18,280
..I've ripped your dog to shreds
and eaten him.
210
00:12:20,760 --> 00:12:23,040
I scraped up what's left of him.
211
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:32,760
Oh, God.
212
00:12:34,040 --> 00:12:38,960
I was supposed to be eating healthy
and all, so it's bad for me as well.
213
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,040
On the plus side, the hypnotism
I've been doing must have worked
214
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:47,560
because I haven't felt like a fag
in the last half-hour.
215
00:12:47,560 --> 00:12:51,760
♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
216
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:54,600
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know
217
00:12:56,040 --> 00:13:00,280
♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me
218
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:03,640
♪ Come on, honey, tell me so
219
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:07,680
MUSIC: Do You Think I'm Sexy?
by Rod Stewart
220
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:26,040
♪ He's acting shy,
looking for an answer
221
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:30,280
♪ Come on, honey,
let's spend the night together
222
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:34,520
♪ Now hold on a minute
before we go much further
223
00:13:34,520 --> 00:13:39,040
♪ Give me a dime
so I can phone my mother
224
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:43,040
♪ They catch a cab
to his high-rise apartment
225
00:13:43,040 --> 00:13:47,680
♪ At last he can tell her
exactly what his heart meant
226
00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:51,520
♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
227
00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:55,040
♪ Come on, honey, tell me so
228
00:13:56,040 --> 00:14:00,040
♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me
229
00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:03,520
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know... ♪
230
00:14:03,570 --> 00:14:08,120
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