Original subtitles

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave without taking

♪ But I sent you away Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Hiya.

Is it Sergei?

RUSSIAN ACCENT: Yes. You do Airbnb?

Come in.

Never done it before.

A bit strapped for cash.

This is the living room.

Is that a blow-up chair? Yeah.

It deflates after a couple of hours, but...

AIR ESCAPING FROM CHAIR

It's a bit of fun, isn't it? Yes.

Show you the lav.

This is the lav.

This will be your room.

It does not look like photo on Airbnb.

I put a filter on it.

Never mind, I will take room. It is very convenient.

Right. Do you want me to get your bags?

No!

Do not touch bags.

In fact, better you do not touch any of my things while I'm here.

Suit yourself.

So, are you here on your holidays, then?

Er, yes. Holidays.

I could show you around, if you like.

Whereabouts did you want to go?

Salisbury.

Did you know clock tower is over 200 years old?

No, I didn't know that, no.

I would also like to visit GCHQ. Ooh!

Never been to GCHQ.

I've heard it's lovely.

Can I come with you?

I've got a two-for-one railcard.

UPTEMPO MUSIC

RADIO: Police are investigating a series of suspicious deaths

in London yesterday with bodies...

TURNS OFF

Sergei.

Sergei?

I've got something I'd like to say to you.

Yes, please. There is something I'd like to say to you also.

You go first. No, you go first!

After three, we'll both say it together.

One, two, three.

I think I'm in love with you. I wish to marry you.

Oh, Sergei! Let's not rush into things.

Let's just get to know each other first. Yes, please.

I long to know everything about you and your decadent culture.

Well, my favourite programme's Bargain Hunters.

I do not know this programme. You don't know Bargain Hunters?!

It's only what Raiders Of The Lost Ark could've been.

Well, tell me about you, Sergei. What you like, what you dislike.

I like strong leaders

and the resurgence of Russia on the world stage.

I dislike liberalism, R&B and eggs.

Eggs?

Well, these were a waste of time.

Oh, Mandy. I love you. Marry me.

Oh, Sergei!

I like you. You're dead fit and you've got a lovely tracksuit,

but it will never work out.

We're from different worlds, you and I.

Please, Mandy. I love you.

I know you so well.

I know your favourite programme is Bargain Hunters.

Your favourite cigarette, Silk Cut.

Your favourite fingernail colour, minty pig.

You believe in UFOs,

and one day you aspire to breed Doberman Pinschers.

Oh, Sergei,

you do know the real me!

Oh! I've had a lovely time these last few days.

Go on. I will. I will marry you.

Say something in your own language.

I won't understand, but I'd just like to hear it.

IN RUSSIAN:

Such a beautiful language.

Are you sure you're doing the right thing, marrying this man?

You've only just met him! I'm telling you, Lola,

he's the one for me.

He knows me so well. It's like he's read a file on me or something!

Look at that dress. It's perfect.

It's beautiful.

But a dress like this will cost hundreds of pounds.

Can you lend me the money?

I'll give it you back.

I'll just leave the tag in and take it back after the wedding.

It's beautiful!

You look like the Duchess of Fergie, in her prime.

I want the wedding to be artistic but accessible.

You know, like a Cadbury's Flake advert.

I didn't know you had a tattoo. Oh, yeah.

That's Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays.

Yeah, it is.

It says, "I am married to Shaun Ryder."

Yeah, I am.

A tattoo that says, "I am married to Shaun Ryder"

could be a problem when you marry Sergei.

This is my big special day, Lola. I want this dress!

Why did you never tell me you were married to Shaun Ryder?

It were 1998.

MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays

♪ You're twisting my melon, man... ♪

Chinese Airlines flight 676 had crashed,

killing all 342 people onboard.

Pete Sampras had just won the tennis.

COMMENTATOR: Pete's done it! Pete Sampras has done it. He's won the tennis.

And Black Grape were just coming to an end.

There were three of us in this marriage, so it were a bit crowded.

So, one night, I snuck into his hotel room, found him in bed.

Threw back the sheets.

I knew Bez had been there.

I'd simply had enough.

He loved that man more than he loved me, so I walked away.

But he never got over me.

How could he, once he'd had a slice of this cake?

Anyway, I can't afford this laser tattoo removal.

Oh, your story has touched my heart.

I will do it for you.

Oh, will you, Lola? That's so kind of you. For £30.

I don't have one of these laser tings, unfortunately.

It's OK, I will use this instead.

Will it hurt? I don't think so.

But you may need to bite down on this.

Are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.

May the Lord guide my hand.

MUFFLED SCREAMING

Jesus Christ!

INDISTINCT

What did you say, darling?

INDISTINCT

I said it smells like pork.

Thanks again, Lola.

How does it look?

I'll get you some Germolene.

MUSIC: Suddenly by Angry Anderson

♪ I only dreamed that I would find

♪ A loving heart, an open mind

♪ To see the real me

♪ And I hoped that you would be the one

♪ A chance to talk, a chance to grow

♪ I'll take the risk, let my feelings flow

♪ I've found the words I need to say... ♪

If any person present knows any lawful impediment

to this marriage, he or she should declare it now.

Stop!

In the name of the Father and the Holy Ghost, stop the wedding!

Oh, fuckin' hell, Shaun. Who is this man?

Shaun Ryder from Happy Mondays and Celebrity Gogglebox.

We're still married! Prove it.

You want proof? Here's proof.

Show 'em your back, Mandy,

the matching tattoo you had done of me. Show 'em.

GASPING Oh, God!

Can we please get on with wedding?

If any person present...

DOOR OPENS

Armed police! Armed police! Sergei Molotov, get down!

Get down on the ground!

Drop it, or I'll shoot!

Ha! You won't shoot me.

You English with your rules,

with your Oxford-Cambridge, and your boat race,

and your PG Tips and your Fry and Laurie.

I'm Shaun Ryder.

So long as there's breath in my body, evil will not prevail.

Let's wrap this up.

I have a civil partnership at 4:45.

Civil partnership?!

Oh, how liberal!

I've got a clear shot.

I'm taking the shot.

INAUDIBLE

Oh, my God, this is terrible!

I'm never going to get my money back on the dress now.

For God's sake, call an ambulance!

And the dry cleaners!

Your back scab was thick enough to stop the bullet?

It's my lucky back scab, Lola.

I'm going to keep it forever and use it as an ashtray.

I cannot believe Sergei was working for Putin.

Well, in hindsight, he was a bit shifty.

Then why did you take a bullet for him?

What can I say?

I love a bastard.

RUSSIAN NATIONAL ANTHEM PLAYS

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0