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1
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♪ Oh, Mandy
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00:00:03,880 --> 00:00:07,520
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
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♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,640
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:11,640 --> 00:00:16,760
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
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♪ And I need you today
7
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♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
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This programme contains
some strong language
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HEADPHONES: Don't Tell My Heart
by The Marcy Brothers
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SHE PANTS
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What are you reading?
Guinness Book Of Records.
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Ah, 400 pages of the greatest people
to ever walk God's green earth.
13
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What do you think, Mandy, could
we make it into its hallowed pages?
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Oh, Lol, it's not the likes of us.
I mean, look at this.
15
00:01:02,560 --> 00:01:05,840
Ayanna Williams,
longest fingernail.
16
00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:08,800
Brian Scriven grew big pumpkin.
17
00:01:08,800 --> 00:01:11,840
Michael Lotito ate a plane.
18
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I mean, these people are gods,
Olympians,
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done something with their lives.
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There must be something.
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00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,640
Fired most times in one day?
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No, there's a woman
in Peterborough, I checked.
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No, Lol, I'm not a record-breaker.
24
00:01:27,680 --> 00:01:29,960
I am a line dancer, though,
25
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and I'm going to win the local
line dance endurance competition.
26
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Have you been practising?
Practising?!
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I've done 22 hours straight through.
28
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That is amazing, but what if
you want to go to the toilet?
29
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I've got a secret.
30
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Adult nappies.
31
00:01:44,400 --> 00:01:47,200
Mandy Carter, I think
you might be a genius.
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00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:49,200
I might start wearing them
day to day, actually,
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you save so much time.
34
00:01:50,680 --> 00:01:52,800
But what about food?
Are you allowed to eat?
35
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:55,760
You're allowed to have someone throw
you a bottle of pop or a mini roll
36
00:01:55,760 --> 00:01:57,640
while you're dancing
but other than that,
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you're not allowed to stop,
even for, like, two seconds.
38
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,440
It sounds like an incredible test
of human endurance.
39
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:06,040
Have you done this
kind of competition before?
40
00:02:06,040 --> 00:02:09,600
Actually, I went on Touch The Truck
once with my mate Susan Blower.
41
00:02:09,600 --> 00:02:11,080
What is Touch The Truck?
42
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Touch The Truck was a TV show
where you have to touch the truck.
43
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The person who touches the truck
longest win the truck.
44
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Out!
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It sounds complicated.
46
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I'll never forget the day -
15th of March 2001...
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Looks like it's just you and me,
Sues. Yeah.
48
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You know, Mandy, whatever happens,
we're still friends.
49
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Do you mean that? Course I do.
50
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This is just a game.
51
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Friendship's too important.
52
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Argh!
53
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Oh, my God!
54
00:02:53,560 --> 00:02:55,440
Oh, my God, what's wrong?
55
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I think I'm having a heart attack.
56
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Medic!
57
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Mandy, please, please help me.
58
00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:04,320
It's so dark.
Oh, it's going so dark.
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00:03:04,320 --> 00:03:05,960
Oh, my God! So dark...
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So cold.
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Susan, stay with me!
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I'm all right now, Mandy.
I'm all right.
63
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You fucking div!
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WHISTLE
Out!
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You'll never amount to anything,
Mandy Carter.
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Ha-ha-ha!
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00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,760
Never amount to anything.
Mandy, don't say that.
68
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:39,600
Some people just aren't meant to
amount to anything.
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00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:41,760
What if everyone amounted to
something,
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00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:44,000
then amounting to something
wouldn't be special.
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00:03:44,000 --> 00:03:46,960
Your constant failure
allows other people to shine.
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00:03:49,040 --> 00:03:51,560
That's very sweet of you, Lol,
but...
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..I'm going to
prove Susan Blower wrong.
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00:03:53,800 --> 00:03:56,360
I'm going to amount to something.
75
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I'm going to win the local
line dance endurance competition.
76
00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:04,400
MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus
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DOORBELL
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DOORBELL
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Who the bloody hell's that?
80
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Susan Blower, as I live and breathe.
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00:04:21,440 --> 00:04:24,000
Hiya, Mandy.
What are you doing back?
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00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,240
You're not going to do the local
line dance endurance competition, are you?
83
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What? No.
84
00:04:28,680 --> 00:04:31,680
You ruined my life
after Touch The Truck.
85
00:04:31,680 --> 00:04:34,000
Look, I've come to apologise.
86
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You'd better come in.
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00:04:39,200 --> 00:04:41,920
I'm a bit down on my luck, actually.
88
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I've got nowhere to stay.
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00:04:45,200 --> 00:04:48,360
I heard you'd gone to the
Peak District to start a new life.
90
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:51,440
I heard you got a hot tub. I did.
91
00:04:52,680 --> 00:04:54,640
It's all gone to shit now, though.
92
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:57,000
I don't want to talk about it.
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Please, I wouldn't ask
if I weren't desperate.
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It's just for a few nights.
95
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Why don't you stay in your truck,
96
00:05:04,000 --> 00:05:05,600
the truck you won
on Touch The Truck?
97
00:05:05,600 --> 00:05:07,120
It's gone.
98
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,760
It's all gone.
99
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:13,720
I want to make it up to you.
I'm not sure, Susan.
100
00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:17,640
Come on, Mandy!
It'll be like old times.
101
00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,440
PHONE VIBRATES
102
00:05:26,680 --> 00:05:30,400
Hello? Hiya, Lola, can you
book me in for a clip and a buff
103
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,320
on Thursday at two o'clock?
104
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:35,320
Of course, darling. Hey,
you'll never guess who's back. Who?
105
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,760
Susan Blower.
106
00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,600
The same Susan Blower you were
only talking about yesterday?
107
00:05:39,600 --> 00:05:40,640
That's weird.
108
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,400
She apologised for being
such a knobhead on Touch The Truck.
109
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:45,240
I've let her stay
in my small back bedroom
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while she's getting back
on her feet.
111
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That's very generous of you, Mandy.
112
00:05:48,520 --> 00:05:50,960
Well, everyone deserves
a second chance
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and I honestly think
she's changed this time.
114
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Hiya. Hiya.
115
00:06:04,080 --> 00:06:06,040
Is that my top?
116
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And my boots?
117
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,480
Yeah, you don't mind, do you?
All my stuff's in the wash.
118
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No.
119
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No, that's fine.
120
00:06:17,760 --> 00:06:20,160
Have you seen my Dairylea Dunkers?
121
00:06:21,680 --> 00:06:22,880
No.
122
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:29,400
There were three packets in here.
No. Maybe you imagined them.
123
00:06:29,400 --> 00:06:32,800
Is that Dairylea Dunker
on your face? No.
124
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,640
Looks like Dairylea Dunker.
125
00:06:34,640 --> 00:06:36,760
It's moisturiser.
126
00:06:39,760 --> 00:06:41,360
You all right, Mandy?
127
00:06:42,400 --> 00:06:44,480
Maybe you're training too hard,
128
00:06:44,480 --> 00:06:47,200
maybe this dancing competition is
getting to you,
129
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,880
perhaps you should sit this one out.
130
00:06:48,880 --> 00:06:51,640
What do you mean?
Well, it's not worth it, is it?
131
00:06:51,640 --> 00:06:54,200
It's a silly little
dancing competition.
132
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:57,040
What's more important is
your mental health.
133
00:06:57,040 --> 00:06:59,680
♪ This town ain't big enough
for the both of us
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00:07:00,800 --> 00:07:03,240
♪ And it ain't me
who's gonna leave. ♪
135
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,840
I had to come here.
I don't know what's real any more.
136
00:07:09,840 --> 00:07:12,560
I keep thinking about
Dairylea Dunkers.
137
00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:15,720
Did she eat them?
Do Dairylea Dunkers exist even?
138
00:07:15,720 --> 00:07:19,000
I mean, a tiny pot of cheese next to
a larger pot with breadsticks in it,
139
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:20,920
when you say it out loud,
it sounds mental.
140
00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:23,080
Susan has been such a great friend
to you, Mandy.
141
00:07:23,080 --> 00:07:25,360
I feel like
she's stealing my identity.
142
00:07:25,360 --> 00:07:28,760
Maybe she's doing that thing that
people do these days. What thing?
143
00:07:28,760 --> 00:07:32,200
Gas-lamping. You mean tea-lighting?
I don't know, something like that.
144
00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,120
People do it on Twitter
all the time.
145
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,360
Mandy, darling, you sound paranoid.
146
00:07:37,360 --> 00:07:40,880
Maybe Susan is right, maybe
the training is getting to you.
147
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:42,560
Hang on, I never told you that.
148
00:07:44,000 --> 00:07:46,080
How do? What are you doing here?
149
00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,120
Said I'd show Lola my ceramic frogs.
150
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:51,000
Is that a euphemism? Hey?
151
00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:52,480
No!
152
00:07:57,760 --> 00:08:00,040
What have you done to your hair?
Oh.
153
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:01,960
Just thought I'd try
something different.
154
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:06,360
This is exactly like Face/Off,
except we haven't swapped faces.
155
00:08:06,360 --> 00:08:08,440
Hang on, what nail colour is that?
156
00:08:08,440 --> 00:08:11,880
This? This is minty pig. Minty pig!
157
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,680
She picked it out on
the colour wheel, what could I do?
158
00:08:14,680 --> 00:08:16,200
Should have seen this coming.
159
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:17,800
Fool me once, shame on you,
160
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:20,000
fool me twice, that's...
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00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,560
..not on.
SUSAN CHUCKLES
162
00:08:21,560 --> 00:08:25,240
No, no. Don't get upset over
a bit of friendly competition.
163
00:08:25,240 --> 00:08:27,040
Talking of which...
164
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:30,720
..I'm thinking of entering that line
dancing endurance contest after all.
165
00:08:30,720 --> 00:08:32,520
Right, we're out of the bog roll.
166
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:34,360
If you want, pick some up
on the way home.
167
00:08:34,360 --> 00:08:38,040
I've got to go now cos
I'm bidding on a new frog on eBay
168
00:08:38,040 --> 00:08:40,640
and there's 35 other bidders.
169
00:08:40,640 --> 00:08:42,440
Bye, Lola.
170
00:08:42,440 --> 00:08:45,040
See you later, dickhead!
171
00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:48,680
Mandy, I'm so... You're dead to me!
172
00:08:48,680 --> 00:08:50,760
I feel bad about minty pig.
173
00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:55,400
Look, I'm going to
show you something now, Mandy,
174
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,880
something I have never shown
anyone else before.
175
00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,200
Oh, my God, what is it?
Something I think will help you win.
176
00:09:02,200 --> 00:09:04,880
DRUMS BEAT
177
00:09:11,080 --> 00:09:13,480
It's my lucky voodoo head.
178
00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:15,920
Has it been in your family
for generations?
179
00:09:15,920 --> 00:09:19,440
No, I got it off Exchange & Mart
two days ago.
180
00:09:19,440 --> 00:09:22,840
What am I supposed to do with it?
Hang on, it came with instructions.
181
00:09:25,800 --> 00:09:29,320
Step one, gaze into the eyes
of the voodoo head.
182
00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:36,200
Oh, I'm scared, Lola.
What if we unleash something.
183
00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:38,720
Step two, name your foe.
184
00:09:39,960 --> 00:09:42,440
Susan bloody Blower.
185
00:09:42,440 --> 00:09:45,360
Step three,
tell the head what you want
186
00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:47,280
and you must be specific.
187
00:09:49,960 --> 00:09:52,000
I want to be the last one standing
188
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,640
at the local line dance
endurance competition.
189
00:09:57,480 --> 00:09:59,760
DRUMMING INTENSIFIES
190
00:10:01,920 --> 00:10:06,400
SCREECHING AND GROWLING
191
00:10:06,400 --> 00:10:08,080
Nothing's happening.
192
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,240
So much for the dark arts.
193
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:15,000
No, the only way I'm going to win
this competition, Lola,
194
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,240
is through hard work
and determination,
195
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:19,360
and a shit-ton of mini rolls.
196
00:10:29,360 --> 00:10:30,880
You got the mini rolls?
197
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,160
Right here. Great.
198
00:10:32,160 --> 00:10:34,960
Let's do this. Ladies and gentlemen,
will the remaining dancers
199
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,520
please make their way downstairs?
200
00:10:36,520 --> 00:10:38,400
We are about to begin.
201
00:10:38,400 --> 00:10:42,840
The prize will go to
the last line dancer standing.
202
00:10:42,840 --> 00:10:46,440
And remember you must keep
your thumbs in your belt hoops
203
00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,360
at all times,
204
00:10:48,360 --> 00:10:50,560
otherwise, you are disqualified.
205
00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:55,480
OK, good luck, everyone.
Positions, please.
206
00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:58,640
And here we go.
207
00:10:58,640 --> 00:11:00,200
HORN BLARES
208
00:11:00,200 --> 00:11:02,400
MUSIC: Achy Breaky Heart
by Billy Ray Cyrus
209
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:11,400
♪ You can tell the world
you never was my girl
210
00:11:11,400 --> 00:11:15,360
♪ You can burn my clothes up
when I'm gone
211
00:11:15,360 --> 00:11:19,120
♪ Oh, you can tell your friends
just what a fool I've been
212
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:22,000
♪ And laugh and joke about me
on the phone
213
00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:27,200
♪ You can tell my arms
go back to the farm
214
00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:30,800
♪ You can tell my feet
to hit the floor
215
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:32,400
♪ Or you can tell my lips... ♪
216
00:11:32,400 --> 00:11:34,000
Lola, water!
217
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,040
Ooh!
218
00:11:40,040 --> 00:11:42,920
You're disqualified, off you go.
219
00:11:42,920 --> 00:11:44,480
Off you go.
220
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,440
♪ And if you tell my heart
My achy breaky heart... ♪
221
00:11:49,440 --> 00:11:52,480
MUSIC FADES OUT
222
00:11:52,480 --> 00:11:54,840
MUSIC: Man! I Feel Like A Woman!
by Shania Twain
223
00:11:58,360 --> 00:12:02,480
Disqualified. Go on, off you go.
224
00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:07,680
MUSIC FADES
225
00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:09,160
MUSIC: Good Time
by Alan Jackson
226
00:12:09,160 --> 00:12:10,960
Out.
227
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:13,640
You're disqualified, off you go.
228
00:12:13,640 --> 00:12:15,840
So are you, love, disqualified.
229
00:12:15,840 --> 00:12:17,480
I don't care, belt loops, go.
230
00:12:17,480 --> 00:12:18,880
MUSIC FADES
231
00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:21,040
MUSIC: Potential New Boyfriend
by Dolly Parton
232
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,360
♪ Better keep your hands off my
233
00:12:24,360 --> 00:12:28,440
♪ Better keep your hands off
my potential new boyfriend
234
00:12:28,440 --> 00:12:30,520
♪ Building up an appetite
235
00:12:30,520 --> 00:12:32,320
♪ You can look
but you can't buy... ♪
236
00:12:32,320 --> 00:12:34,440
There you go. Disqualified.
237
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:36,480
Ah, yes, you're disqualified.
238
00:12:36,480 --> 00:12:39,520
MUSIC: Boot Scootin' Boogie
by Brooks & Dunn
239
00:12:46,280 --> 00:12:48,640
What's happened here?
Right disqualified.
240
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,040
You're disqualified too. Hello?
241
00:12:53,360 --> 00:12:54,800
Off you go.
242
00:13:00,000 --> 00:13:02,400
I told you
you'd never amount to anything.
243
00:13:04,520 --> 00:13:09,280
♪ Yeah, Cadillac, blackjack,
baby, meet me out back... ♪
244
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,040
Come on, Mandy.
245
00:13:11,040 --> 00:13:14,280
Mini roll! Mini roll!
246
00:13:14,280 --> 00:13:16,920
♪ I just don't think he'd understand
247
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,680
♪ And if you tell my heart
248
00:13:18,680 --> 00:13:20,760
♪ My achy breaky heart
249
00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:23,240
♪ He might blow up
and kill this man... ♪
250
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:25,160
DISCORDANT CLANG
251
00:13:38,080 --> 00:13:40,400
SHOCKED GASPS
252
00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:47,280
Have I won? Have I won?
I've won, haven't I?
253
00:13:47,280 --> 00:13:50,240
Mandy Carter is
the last contestant standing.
254
00:13:50,240 --> 00:13:54,240
In your face, Susan Blower!
In your face!
255
00:13:54,240 --> 00:13:57,520
But as you've just taken your thumbs
out of your belt loops,
256
00:13:57,520 --> 00:14:00,640
you are automatically disqualified,
therefore,
257
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:05,640
Susan Blower wins the award,
God rest her soul.
258
00:14:06,880 --> 00:14:09,040
Mini rolls!
259
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,040
DRUMS BEAT
260
00:14:20,280 --> 00:14:23,360
We need to get rid of this head
before it consumes us all.
261
00:14:28,280 --> 00:14:30,120
Gone.
MAN GRUNTS
262
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:33,040
It's over now.
It cannot hurt anyone any more.
263
00:14:36,040 --> 00:14:39,160
DOG WHINES
264
00:14:39,210 --> 00:14:43,760
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