All language subtitles for Jutaro 1998

-Morning, Coach. -Morning, Coach.

You wanna grab some breakfast?

Nah, I just had one piece of cereal and I'm pretty stuffed.

Could go for coffee though.

Yeah.

You know what today feels like?

-First day of school. -First day of school. That's right.

That's close.

-What about you, Coach? How you feeling? -A little nervous.

Well, heck, yeah. No such thing as "last-day jitters."

Gotta look right, Coach.

Yeah. I'm gonna get that someday.

So blues

-I can tell you -Check out my man here.

So blues, I can tell you

A girl's not gettin' by me.

Sometimes the best way to stick it to the man is go right between his legs, huh?

-We gotta go, Coach. -Yeah.

Knock-a-doodle-do.

-Good morning, Coach Lasso. -Hey, look at us.

Couple of worm-addicted early birds, am I right?

Well, I'm glad I caught ya. I brought you a little something.

Yeah. Cookies.

Or as y'all call 'em here, biscuits, right?

Though, I do not recommend you smother these in gravy.

Ted, I don't really--

Come on now. Take a lookie there.

-Those do look good. -Right?

Go ahead, take a nibble.

That's it. Away you go.

Fuck me.

Where did you get these?

I'm glad you like 'em.

You know what? I'll start bringing these to ya every morning.

Call it "Biscuits with the Boss."

That really isn't necessary.

Okay, well, mark this down as the first time we disagree then.

Actually, no, second time. Tea is horrible.

Absolute garbage water. I don't know why y'all do that.

Anyhoo, you know, we can't really be good partners

-unless we get to know each other, right? -Ted--

We're gonna start simple. Real easy, real easy one.

We're gonna do first concert, best concert.

You go ahead and go first. Go. Right off the bat. Come on.

The Spice Girls. And... the Spice Girls.

Same answer for both? I love that. My turn. First concert.

I mean, come on. It was "The Gambler" himself, Mr. Kenny Rogers.

Okay, I'm sorry--

Ted--

Coach Lasso.

Stop. Ted, I'm sorry.

"Biscuits with the Boss" is not something that I have time for this morning.

Or ever.

-I hear ya, boss. Loud and clear. -There we go.

Okay.

You're gonna show up tomorrow with biscuits, aren't you?

Come on now. I would not bet on that.

I mean, unless you wanna win a buttload of money.

High five, tree.

Remember what you said to me our first day coaching at Wichita State?

Lose the ponytail?

Relax. They're just kids.

Well, these fellas sure as heck ain't kids.

Hey, look at Isaac. He looks like a Rodin sculpture in cleats.

Boots.

They call cleats "boots."

I thought you said that the trunk of a car was a boot.

Also a boot.

Hold on now. If I were to get fired from my job

where I'm puttin' cleats in the trunk of my car--

You got the boot from puttin' boots in the boot.

I love that.

All right, gentlemen. Let's go ahead and do a little seven on seven.

We're gonna call this drill "The Exorcist"

'cause it's all about controlling possession.

All right, let's go!

Fuck!

Someone get some flowers, 'cause this spot here is where Sam died.

It's very sad.

Oi. Walk away, you little prick.

All right, granddad. Keep your wig on.

-Thanks, Roy. -Yeah, you're good.

Hey, Sam, come here a sec.

Coach, I'm sorry.

You know what the happiest animal on earth is?

It's a goldfish.

You know why?

-No. -Got a ten-second memory.

Be a goldfish, Sam. Yeah?

Yeah, you got it. Go ahead.

-Hey, Nate. -Who, me?

Yeah. Until we get another Nate here,

I just need you to assume you're my default Nate, okay?

Come on, question for ya. What's the buzz on Sam here?

Seems a little down in the dumps.

Yeah, he's been underachieving since he got here from Nigeria, so...

Yeah, well, first time away from home is never easy.

We're gonna have to do something to Ni-cheer-ia him up, man.

You still laughing at stuff you don't think is funny, huh?

I'm not always sure what's a joke and what isn't.

Yeah, it's tough to tell these days, isn't it?

Go, Lasso! Go, Lasso, go!

Go, Lasso! Go, Lasso, go! Go, Lasso! Go, Lasso, go!

Higgins.

Ted Lasso was in my office.

"What's the first concert you ever saw?"

-Boy George. -Not you, you garden gnome.

He wants us to get together every morning

to get to know me and hear what I've got to say.

The nerve!

I mean, the man's just relentless and nice.

Everywhere he's been, his players seem to love him.

It's the one thing that could just muck this up.

Hello, boys.

Up top.

-Hello, Miss Welton. -Hello, Miss Welton.

Higgins, do you know which of the players has the most sway in the locker room?

No.

So helpful. Then solve me this different mystery.

Find out where Lasso got those biscuits.

Watch out, biscuits! Higgins is on the case.

All right, fellas. Excuse me.

Listen up!

Thank you, Coach.

Now, we got Crystal Palace coming here on Saturday.

Anything we need to know, Coach?

-Lot of speed on the outside. -Okay. Anything else?

Lot of speed.

Okay, you heard the man.

Y'all whipped 'em up pretty good earlier this year,

so me and Coach ain't gonna mess with the game plan.

But...

we would like to start fiddling with the way we do things in the locker room.

And if the Internet has taught us anything,

it's that sometimes it's easier to speak our minds anonymously.

Right? So I asked Nate here to make us a good old-fashioned suggestion box.

Hey, look at that.

Yeah, did it with my niece. She loves crafts, so--

Yeah. I love glimpses into your personal life.

This is lovely.

So, if anything's got y'all hot and bothered,

just go ahead and drop us a note.

You could have issue with the color of the towels

or, heck, the food in the vending machine.

Sound good?

Okay, great. See y'all tomorrow.

Oi. We're middle of the table, we've lost three of four,

and you wanna know if the snacks in the locker room are tasty enough?

Are they?

Jesus Christ.

They are not.

That's a long time to wait, Ted.

Well, I respect you didn't hurry.

So, how was your first official day?

I'm not entirely sure

what y'all's smallest unit of measurement is over here,

but that's about how much headway I made.

And yet, you seem undeterred.

Solid entrance.

What would you rather be, a lion or a panda?

I don't have time for this.

Okay.

-Ted? -Gotta go panda.

Are you mad? Pandas are fat and lazy and have piss-stained fur.

Lions are powerful and majestic and rule the jungle.

Try telling that to an elephant. Can I be an elephant?

Lion or panda.

-Panda. -Lion!

-What's black and white and red all over? -I don't know. What?

A panda that gets anywhere near a fucking lion. The answer is lion.

All right.

That Rebecca is an intimidating, very tall woman.

I mean, the minute she locked eyes with me, I started sweating.

Oh, no. She got some fences, all right, but you just gotta hop over 'em.

Hi, babe.

Here. Keys.

Hey, Jamie, what would you rather be? A lion or a panda?

Coach, I'm me.

Why would I wanna be anything else?

I'm not sure you realize how psychologically healthy that actually is.

Cheers.

Night Court.

Wow.

-He's a lion. -Definitely lion.

You know pandas eat their weight in bamboo? My little boy told me that.

-No! -What are you talking about?

Pandas are capable of it.

I don't know how often they actually do that.

Sam's down in every stat since Nigeria.

Maybe the Premiership's too much for him.

No, he just needs to get a little more comfy here, that's all.

-He turns 20 on Saturday. -There we go. A birthday.

We'll do something special for him.

Nudge that ship in the right direction, yeah?

Hey.

Let's see what we got here.

"Wanker."

Let's see what else we got. "Piss off, wanker."

"I hope you choke on a Big Mac."

-Good thing these are anonymous. -No, Roy signed that one.

-Roy. -Here's a good one.

"Shower pressure is rubbish." Make a note of that.

"Wanker." Yep.

I'm not gonna say that word out loud.

Another "wanker."

You don't wanna let them call you a wanker, Ted. It's bad.

What's a wanker?

I'm a visual learner, so that's very helpful. Thank you.

My pleasure.

Okay, I got one.

What if I joined forces with a swashbuckling cat

to play tiny guitars for women of the night

as we read Alex Haley's most seminal work?

You'd be in cahoots with Puss in Boots,

playing lutes for prostitutes, reading Roots.

No, The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I gotcha.

All right.

Here we go. Hey, hold my beer.

All right, see what you got, young lady. Come on. What you got? What you got?

Are you kidding me?

You see that?

She spun you around like the Tasmanian Devil.

Yeah, she did. Except without all that annoying...

Wrong again.

Why is this so hard for you, Higgins?

What time is it?

It's "Biscuits with the Boss" time!

And Higgins! Hey.

Three's a crowd.

Hey, that's a crowd I don't mind being smack-dab in the middle of, buddy.

Hey, boss. Check this out. Pow.

Let's tie up some loose ends from yesterday.

First concert, Kenny Rogers, right?

Best concert, we got Beastie Boys at HORDE Fest, 1995.

You're gonna love this story.

Actually, did y'all get the O.J. trial over here?

Ted, please. I can't just have you waltzing in here whenever you wish.

What if I soft-shoe in, huh? Little something like that.

Or I can moonwalk in.

Despite recent headlines, it's still a fun dance move to do.

-Ted, Ted. -You gotta see the way I see it, okay?

Everybody in this building, part of the team. Part of AFC Richmond.

Team's gotta bond. All right?

I mean, heck, Higgins and I are having lunch today.

Yes. We're having salads in my office.

All right, catch you later, boss.

Higgins, see you at lunch, huh?

Caesar you later.

Yes. Yes.

He's intolerable.

Boy. That is bad.

Somebody ought to check this thing's prostate.

Jeez.

Yeah.

Hey, Sam. You gotta pop upstairs real quick.

Higgins wants to talk to you.

Let's go. Move it, move it.

Yep, yep. He's gone, he's gone.

Shut the door, shut the door. Hey. Yo, hey, guys. Listen up, listen up.

Okay, Sam's birthday is on Saturday.

So I was thinking we'd all chip in and get him something nice.

Nice gift or something. Right?

So, Nate's gonna be coming around with yet another impressive box.

Look at this. It's got a face!

-He has a face. -Sorry, it-- He. He.

-You put the money in his mouth. -Okay, you hear that, y'all?

You put the money in his mouth. Got it? Okay, good.

Go get 'em, Nate.

Okay? Help him out.

All right. Lovely. Thanks, Colin.

You put the money in his mouth.

Yummy for you.

It's spearmint. Make the money smell nice.

Thank you, Jamie. That's incredibly thoughtful.

Hey, Jamie. Real quick.

Just wanna have a chat. Did you put gum in the box there?

-Yeah. Yeah. -Now, why'd you go and do that?

-Sorry, Coach. -Nate's just trying to help us out here.

-He's part of the team, right? -Yeah, right, Coach. Yeah, yeah.

And I see this team like a band.

-I love that. -And if we were the Rolling Stones,

I'd be Mick Jagger, 'cause I'm the front man.

-Sure. -I got the moves.

Got a tiny waist, yeah. The whole bit. I get it.

And Roy would be Keith Richards,

'cause he's old and everyone's surprised he ain't dead yet.

What the fuck are you saying?

Roy, mate, if you're gonna go to the shower,

you should take your sweater off first, pal.

I'm just taking the piss, mate. Yeah.

I'll be better. Promise.

Glad to hear it. Yeah.

Marcus, what you got?

How are you feeling about taking on Crystal Palace this weekend?

A palace made out of crystal seems mighty fragile if you ask me.

-Coach. -Coach!

-Yeah, right there. -Trent Crimm, The Independent.

I remember, Trent.

I'm just curious. Could you explain the offside rule?

Well, Trent, I'm gonna put it the same way the US Supreme Court did

back in 1964 when they defined pornography.

It ain't easy to explain, but you know it when you see it.

-Yeah, this gentleman right here. -Ernie Lounds, The Sun.

Thank you.

This question's for Ms. Mannion.

-It's "Welton." -Of course. My apologies.

Any thoughts on the newest Rupert girl?

Well, Rupert and I are no longer together, so...

He may consort with whatever model-actress, actress-model he pleases.

No, the girl who came forward today is another one who was with Rupert

while you were married.

I mean, she says it started five years ago.

And they kept it going until, well, still.

Oh.

And all this time I thought men couldn't multitask.

I'm afraid that's all we have time for.

Thank you so much.

Coach!

Hey. How are you?

Just wanna make sure you're doing okay.

You know, that was pretty rough back there.

I expect nothing less from the press.

Yeah.

Sorry, did you need somebody to post that? Because that person's not me.

No, come on. This is a care package from my little boy.

Maybe something in here can help cheer you up, yeah?

Got a small battalion of army men.

Says here on the card that

I'm supposed to set 'em up in my apartment to help keep me safe.

-Homemade kazoo. -Excellent.

Only got one of those though, so you can't have that.

Hey now.

Look at that right there.

You know, this right here is some of the best barbecue sauce in Kansas City,

which makes it some of the best barbecue sauce in the world.

Yes!

You got some kind of food or something that can teleport you back home,

make you feel warm and fuzzy?

No.

-Will that be all, Ted? -No.

No, actually, the whole reason I'm here is 'cause I'm having a little trouble

figuring out Jamie Tartt's operating instructions,

and I was just seeing if you happened to have any advice.

Sorry, I'm afraid--

Your eyes just lit up. You got an idea. What is it? Go on.

I was just gonna say you should go and talk to Keeley.

I mean, you two have an obvious rapport. If anyone knows Jamie, it's her.

See, that's why you're the boss, right?

That's good. Hey, tell you what I'm gonna do though.

I'm gonna give you one of these stinkers. Let's see. Let's get you a good one.

Okay, this right here is gonna be your first line of defense,

in case that little turkey Ernie Lounds comes back around, huh?

How about that? We'll aim him right at the door there for you.

All right, thanks, boss. I appreciate you.

Yes! You look beautiful. Just pet the lion.

Exactly!

I love it. Give me a growl, yeah.

Sexy, yeah.

Yeah. Beautiful. Yeah, all right.

Let's set up for the next shot.

-Hi. -Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, I'm all right. How are you?

Yeah, not bad. So, you went with the lion, huh?

-Yeah. -I'm a little hurt, but it looks cool.

I look insane.

But I do think it's a better look than the panda.

Oh, yeah.

-Fuck, I'm famished. -Yeah?

Most lions are.

-Look. Let's get some food. -Okay.

-You hungry? -Yeah, is it free?

Gotta be pretty fun for you, yeah?

Yeah. I'm getting paid a shit ton

to get dressed up like an animal and sell caffeinated vodka.

But I do get to go home with the paws.

Well, there's the perks right there. Yeah.

-Can I have a bite? -Yeah. There you go.

-Thank you. -Careful. You're welcome.

I know that you didn't just pop down to feed me.

No, you're right. I wanted to ask you about Jamie.

Yeah.

What would you say motivates him?

Blow jobs.

Is there a second option?

Go on, give us another bite.

Hey. There you are.

Now, look, I know the kid's gonna be a star.

I was kinda hoping he'd, you know, warm up

to the team building I'm trying to do here. That's all.

Actually, he responds well to positive reinforcement.

-That's my wheelhouse. -There you go, then.

Okay. Bite.

-Go on, give us one more bite. -Here you go.

Yeah.

-That was a big one. -Well, yep.

You got some ketchup there.

Looks like you devoured an antelope.

-Help me. -Just be careful. Hold on.

Yeah, I feel that. There's a lot of it.

Yeah, it's a lot and I'm just--

Richmond! Richmond!

We are moments away from Crystal Palace facing AFC Richmond

and their new manager, Ted Lasso.

While on the pitch, all eyes will surely be on young phenom, Jamie Tartt.

All right, fellas, here we go. Here we go.

Coach, you got any last words?

-Speed on the outside. -Speed on the outside. You heard the man.

That's all we got for you, except for one thing.

And that's Happy Birthday, Sam!

Babatunde's the best.

-Hey. -Hey, enjoy.

Hey, man, you guys got me Chin Chin.

Wow, this is all I used to eat growing up.

We know you haven't been home in a while, so we thought we'd bring some home to you.

You guys, man.

-Hey. Happy Birthday, Sam. -Thank you, Coach.

We got a few things in there for you.

Coach, what's this?

Well, my little boy gave me a whole bunch of these.

You know, help keep me safe while I'm away.

I miss him, you know.

My dad used to-- always used to pinch my earlobes for good luck.

Give me a fucking break.

Sorry, Coach.

Coach, is it okay if I don't keep this?

I don't really have the same fondness for the American military that you do.

Sure. Right.

-Imperialism. Right. Yeah. -Imperialism.

Thank you, Coach. Thank you.

All right, fellas.

Let's get out there and show Crystal Palace whose house this is, right?

West meets South again.

It's Derby Day in London, and the atmosphere is electric.

With a new owner in the boardroom and a new manager in the dugout,

will it be a new dawn for the perennial underdog, AFC Richmond?

Welcome to what the home fans call the "Dogtrack."

It's Nelson Road Stadium, for AFC Richmond against Crystal Palace.

I'm Arlo White and this is Chris Powell.

And it's great to be here, Arlo.

-You ready? -Your fly is down.

Thank you.

All right, shall we?

Chris, did you ever play under an American manager?

Never did, Arlo. Wouldn't have minded it. I do speak the language.

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

To the fans at home, we do apologize for the fruity language.

Wanker! Wanker!

It was a risky hire by new owner, Rebecca Welton.

Does she know something we don't?

Wanker! Wanker!

Oi! Give him a chance.

Wanker!

We got 90 minutes to prove 'em wrong, yeah?

Let's give it a shot.

Here we go.

And there you go.

It's an inauspicious start to the Ted Lasso era.

Richmond looked disjointed, uninspired, and, you have to say, joyless.

Palace win and Richmond lose 4-1.

The only bright spot being the defensive play of Sam Obisanya.

Only bright spot?

Without me, it would've been 4-0, you miserable old pricks.

And a meaningless consolation goal for Jamie Tartt in injury time.

Thank you!

Jamie. Real quick.

Regarding Jamie Tartt,

it was an insignificant goal by the Manchester City loanee,

but he celebrated like he'd just won the World Cup.

I haven't known you that long, but...

I can honestly say you are the best athlete I have ever coached.

Wow.

Yeah. I mean, I work hard, yeah.

I see it.

You are truly great at everything you do out there.

Except for one thing.

My left foot cross?

No. Jamie, I think that you might be so sure that you're one in a million,

that sometimes you forget that out there, you're just one of eleven.

And if you just figure out some way to turn that "me" into "us"...

the sky's the limit for you.

Was a heck of a goal out there, by the way.

Thanks.

Richmond fall to 13th place.

I'm sure they won't be there very long.

Is that optimism, Chris?

No. Actually, I'm wearing Obsession by Calvin Klein.

That was fucking embarrassing!

I am equally livid.

-Blimey, mate. -Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God.

-Didn't know he had it in him. -Good lad.

Oh, my God.

Hey, come on now.

Hey, let's shake this one off, all right?

Start getting better on Monday. Until then--

Hey, DJ Beard-o, why don't you help pick up the mood in here, all right?

Little Phife Dawg and Q-Tip comin' at you.

Come on now. Everybody get some cake.

You know, it's Sam's birthday. Go ahead, get some sugar in your system.

Go on now.

Hey, y'all.

I come bearing sweet treats to numb the sting of defeat.

-Yeah. -Thank you.

And hey, just so you know, we can play a lot better than we showed today.

I know it would mean a lot to the guys if y'all just came down, joined in.

Let 'em know you're still in their corner.

That's all the arm twisting I'm gonna do though, okay?

Ted, you know what might convince me?

If you told me where you got these delicious biscuits.

Well, if I did that, I wouldn't be able to bring you more on Monday, would I?

All right. Hope to see y'all downstairs.

It's good cake.

Jamie! Trent Crimm, The Independent.

That was quite a beating today. How you taking the loss?

Look, it's not just me though, is it? We're a team. I'm just one of eleven.

-Candy from a baby. -Okay.

They were rubbish.

Fuck it. Yeah, I am taking it pretty hard, you know?

The rest of them, they're all in there eating cake.

-Seriously? -Yeah, seriously, mate.

The new gaffer's got music on in there. It's like a party. It's a joke.

Careful, son. The gaffer's fixed the water pressure.

I hate losing.

Bird by bird, Coach.

-Good night, Coach. -Night, Coach.

Here's trouble.

-I saw the match. -Yeah? What'd you think?

You were rubbish.

-Yeah, maybe so. -Yeah.

I did wanna get your advice on one thing.

What do you think-- Look at that! Got ya!

-Yeah? All right, I underestimated you. -Yeah.

See, no one sees me coming. Come on, what you got? What you got?

That was quick. Okay, I'm gonna take my backpack off now.

We're gonna really do this.

-Let me stretch here a little bit. -All right. Yeah.

Here we go. Okay. All right, now you're in trouble.

Get your breath back.

What?

I just sent you the pictures.

That's exactly what I wanted.

The star player's girlfriend and the new manager.

Are you sure you want to do this?

The press will eat them alive.

Miss Welton?

Do it.

Fuck!

Siri, call Shithead.

Good morning.

There is nothing in The Sun
about Ted and Keeley.

Nothing. Are you in your office?

Of course I am.

Then get up here now.

Bye, boys. Tell Mum I love her.

Knock, knock.
Hey, boss, I don't know about you,

but I had an absolute peach of a Sunday.

Here you go.

Yeah, finally saw Big Ben.

Boy, I thought
I'd seen the biggest clock there was.

When I was a kid, my folks took me

to the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower
up there in Milwaukee.

They ended up leaving me there
all by myself.

Yeah, three hours and 42 minutes.
You know how I know that?

You were staring at a clock?

I was staring at a clock.
That's exactly right. Yeah, bingo.

That's a little bit of a mystery puzzle.

You figured it out right away.
You're a sharp cookie.

-Ted.
-Yeah.

Speaking as we were mere moments ago,
about time,

I unfortunately don't have any.

I have a branding meeting, so...

I always feel so bad for the cows,

but you gotta do it
otherwise they get lost.

That was a branding joke.

If we were in Kansas right now,

I'd just be sitting here waiting for you
to finish laughing. Yeah.

I'll see ya tomorrow, okay?

-Okay. Counting the minutes.
-Yeah, there you are.

All right. Let's see what we got here.
I've got this fella up here, the goalie.

Then all these guys over here, okay?

And going over here, going over that way.

This son of a gun's gonna go
all the way down here.

Crystal Palace
kicked our booties last week.

And this here, is our current offense
that we are running,

and I think it stinks!

Get rid of it.

Now, you might be wondering why'd I draw
all that up there just to erase it.

And that is because
I believe in symbolic gestures.

As do I.

What time did you get home last night?

-Didn't.
-Really?

Now, look, our whole offense right now
is all give-and-go.

Give the ball to Jamie
and everyone else can go to hell.

So, I am officially on the prowl
for any new ideas, you hear?

-You got something, Nate?
-No.

So...

No. No. God, no. Never mind, I'm sorry.

Come on now. You're one of us.
Let's go. Fire away. What do you got?

Okay, right.
Well, it's just... No, other pocket.

It's just something that I thought of.

Sorry. Jesus.

Not that one.

You know what, it's not even very good.

It's probably really bad.
It's embarrassing even.

-I just--
-Sorry, Nate.

I have a real tricky time hearing
folks that don't believe in themselves.

I'm gonna ask you real quick again.

-Do you think this idea will work?
-Yeah, I do.

-Why you screaming at us, Nate?
-God!

We're right here.

All right, come on now.
Walk us through it.

Okay. So, I thought if we started
the attack on the wing,

Jamie could run through nearside,

then when the defense follows,
Sam could fill his spot.

So, use Jamie as a decoy?

No.

No. Well, yeah, in--
Yeah, in this case, yes.

Let's give it a shot.

What, you're gonna use my play?

Yeah. I mean,
we're gonna try it on, see if it fits.

You know, it might not.

Then again,
it might be a very flattering silhouette,

and I might wear it right outta the store.

Makes me feel good and I start to strut.

I'm like, "I like this.
I like the way this makes me feel."

Show him your strut, Coach.

Yeah, there you go. Oh, yeah.
Yep, that's how to strut.

Let me see you strut, Nate. Come on.

There you go, Nate.
Yeah, that's one way to do it.

There you go.

You look a little angry,
but that's all right.

That's my fault.
I forgot the pitch is right this way.

Come on, let's go.
Strut this way. Here we go.

Still strutting.

-I'll see you later. Yeah.
-Yeah.

Ted! Hey, have you got a minute?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything okay?
-Yeah, yeah. No, it's fine, yeah.

-It's not fine. Everything's shit.
-Oh, no.

This was gonna be
the front page of The Sun today.

"Manager Shags Star Player's Girlfriend."

I think a more accurate headline would be,

"Manager Innocently Feeds Young Woman
Whose Relationship Does Not Define Her."

Ted, this is really bad!

Except I look insanely fit
in this picture.

Yeah, no, it's beautiful light.

My friend who works at the paper said
he can hold this story for one day

as a favor.

When this shit hits,
Jamie is going to go mental.

There's going to be photographers
all over us.

Right, right.

The next picture of me
will not be this perfect.

I am gonna be mid-sneeze face, like--

-Guess what the headline will be.
-Gesundheit?

"Jamie's Tart Breaks Tartt's Heart."

-Did you just come up with that?
-Yeah.

-Everyone would read that.
-Of course they would.

You have no idea the power of rhyming
in this goddamn country.

Yeah.

"Lasso Makes Passo
and Creates Team Fiasco."

Keeley's got bars.

Yeah, I'm cute as a button
and I can rhyme my ass off.

God, it's no wonder
they want to destroy me.

Yeah, yeah.

Sorry, it took me so long
to get up the stairs.

I was... stopped to talk
by about a hundred people.

Still nothing.

Get someone to run
the story about Ted and Keeley.

-Hey, boss.
-Ted! And Keeley. Hello.

Hey, I found that in the hall. Yeah.

So, we got ourselves a situation here.

Go ahead, show her the picture, yeah.

See? And the fucking Sun
is running it tomorrow.

Honestly, these people,

they just have no regard
for people's privacy and dignity.

Yeah, I'm gonna find the piece of shit
that took this and who hired them.

No, no. Not necessary.

I know the owner of the paper.
I can get this stopped with a phone call.

Really? Oh, my God. Thank you.

See, what I tell ya, huh?

This woman right here is strong,
confident and powerful.

Boss, I tell ya, I'd hate to see you
and Michelle Obama arm wrestle,

but I wouldn't be able to
take my eyes off it either.

That's not a compliment I've had before.

-You do have perfect action figure-y arms.
-Yeah.

There's another one. Anyway, glad to help.

-All right. Yeah.
-Thank you.

-Okay.
-See y'all later.

There's no way she can
trace that photo back to me, can she?

-Yes.
-What do you mean "yes"?

Did you not use an alias
or a burner phone?

I'm not a spy, Rebecca. I'm just
the director of football operations.

And equally proficient at both.

Well, thank you. Wait...

Okay, here we go. Sam lays it for Dickson.

Okay, nice touch.

Switch to Bumbercatch.

Jamie decoys through.

-Sam wide open.
-There it is!

Nice play, Nate. How you feel?

I just don't know.
So many new feelings. Yeah.

Kinda like getting your first pube, right?

-Yeah. What?
-Here we go.

All right. Hey. Nice work.

Okay, now, gentlemen,

here's the other thing
we're gonna start focusing on.

Making quicker transitions
from offense to defense.

Y'all gotta start making your hellos
goodbyes. You understand?

Easiest way to get that done well
is to do it well.

But aside from that,
you gotta be in great shape, right?

So, we are all gonna run two laps
around this field.

Anyone who loses to me
has to run four more. Let's go!

-Okay, come on. What you got?
-What's going on?

You're catching up. Don't cut that corner!

Come on. You can't catch me,
I'm the gingerbread man.

Faster, boys!

-Look at his face.
-Colin, Isaac, please stop.

Yeah, it really hurts now.
It really hurts.

Be careful, Colin, now.
That's our new coach.

-Oh, right, boyo.
-Yeah.

Sorry, gaffer.

Thank you.

Okay, way to run out there today, fellas.

You guys are much faster than me.

Except Coach Beard.

What's going on? I thought you ran track
in high school or something.

Chess team, Coach.

Illinois State Champs, baby.

Okay, yeah. Illinois is a state, fellas.

One last thing, there are some gifts
up in y'all's lockers.

In your little cubbies up there.
So, hope you enjoy 'em.

It's a fucking book.

Nice one, bitch boy.

-Hey.
-Yeah, I just thought you should know

that your boy Nathan's being harassed
every single day

by Jamie and his little... side-pricks.

-Right.
-So you know already?

Yep.

So, you'll take care of it?

No.

What the fuck?

Roy, I learned two pretty big lessons

on the rough-and-tumble playgrounds
of Brookridge Elementary School.

One, if little Ronnie Fowch
offers you a candy bar,

you immediately say no,
and you get the hell outta there.

'Cause there's a good chance

that little son of a gun has just pooped
inside of a Butterfinger wrapper.

No one ever saw him do it,
but a couple people ate it.

Number two, if the teacher tells the bully
not to pick on someone,

it's just gonna make it worse.

So, you're not gonna do anything?

No.

Why you winding him up?

He's the one, Coach.

If we're gonna make an impact here,

the first domino that needs to fall
is right inside that man's heart.

Yes.

-Jamie, can I ask you something?
-It's 40 kilos. I do three sets of ten.

And then I alternate between bis and tris.

I don't give a shit what you lift,
you little pretty boy.

Yeah, you do, 'cause you asked.

Can you curl 40 kilos?

No, but I can use your balls
as a speed bag.

-Do you wanna try that?
-Not especially.

Do you even understand
the influence you have on this team?

-I'm the shit, yeah.
-No, you're a bellend.

But because your right foot
was kissed by God the boys look up to you.

It's made me question my own faith.

So, when they pick on Nate...

and you laugh...

Yeah.

...they think it's okay.

Right, 'cause Nate's a weak baby
and he can't do anything about it.

Yeah, all right. I'll take care of it.
Nate's a good lad.

Good.

Hey, Roy. You comin' to the club tonight?

Hold on, will you be there?

-Of course, bruv.
-Then fuck no.

Colin, Isaac, come here.

You know how you two are
always messing with Nate?

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Keep it up. Makes me laugh.

-Good morning, Higgins.
-Good morning. I was just--

Waiting at the entrance
so I'd see you were here on time.

Exactly. You seem in good spirits.

Yes, I am. I've just realized something.

Who cares if we can't run that picture?

The bigger issue
is that the local community

is getting behind the team
no matter how badly they play.

It is an outstanding fan base.

Yes, one I believe I can put an end to.

Hooray.

No.

Okay. I'll go back there.

-Here you go.
-Thank you.

So, I spoke to the owner of The Sun.

You spoke to God?

-No, the newspaper.
-Oh, right.

And he has agreed to
not run the photo of you and Keeley.

MVP! MVP! MVP!

-Left leg! Right leg, not as good!
-Okay.

-Yeah!
-Yes. Okay, thank you, Ted.

Sorry. Yeah, no.
You were saying. Go ahead.

In exchange,

I've agreed for his
more reputable newspaper, The Independent,

to do a profile on you.

"One-on-One with Coach Lasso."

Yeah, okay.

The writer will be Trent Crimm.

And he's very good,
and the supporters really listen to him.

Oh, no. I know Trent, yeah.
He's a tough cookie.

-Really?
-Yeah, but that's okay.

You know what you do
with tough cookies, don't ya?

-No.
-Dip 'em in milk.

All right, let's run that new one.

Hey, there he is.

Hello, Coach Ted Lasso from America.

Hello, Trent Crimm from The Independent.

Hey, excited to spend the day with ya.
Gonna be fun.

And please, call me Ted.

All right, let's go!

Wide open.

-Yeah!
-Snuck it by him.

Thataway, Sammy. How'd that feel?

Oh, wonderful, Coach.
I felt that one in my penis.

Yeah. No, that sounds about right.
That's good. Yeah.

Hey, Jamie, you gotta sell
that run-through hard, baby.

Make the defense believe you.
Watch, like this.

Ball! Ball! Give me the ball!

I want the ball! Give me the ball!
I would like the ball, please!

Make it a performance.

I want you winning an Oscar
at the ESPYs next year.

You want me to run decoy?

Yeah, that's right.

It's a joke.

Unfortunately for you, though,
no one thinks it's funny.

That true?

Agree to disagree. I find it hilarious.

I thought it was
funnier than Step Brothers.

High praise.

That scene where the bunk bed collapses...

I used to think
that was the funniest thing I'd ever seen,

but then I just saw that.

And now I'm gonna have to
rethink my order of what I think is

the funniest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah, that's when sports and art combine,
as far as I'm concerned.

All right, fellas,
let's run it again. Let's go.

Cheers.

Yeah, they're getting it.
They're getting it.

Interesting play, Ted.
Did you come up with this?

Oh, no, no, no.

This is all cooked up
by our very own Nate the Great.

Who's "Nate the Great"?

Oh, yeah. There he is.

Someone's been walking their dog here.
Found another poo.

Okay.

What exactly does "Nate the Great" do?

I'm not exactly sure what his title is.

Hey, Coach.
What is Nate's job around here?

-Kit man.
-There you go. Kit man.

Do you mean to tell me you're
entrusting a Premier League team's attack

to the kit man?

That young fellow's forgotten more
about this sport than I'll ever know.

Heck, might be a genius.

Anything to add, Coach?

Good kid.

Boy, oh boy.

If you knew Coach Beard,
you'd know what a big deal that was.

You mean that, don't you?

Well, hell.
There's your story right there.

Got a headline and everything.
"Man Nods Head."

Watch your back, Gay Talese.

There's a new iconic profile
about to be typed up by one Trent Crimm.

Tighten up those lines!

Let 'em know, Coach.

Come on.

Get a towel.

-Oh, God. No, no, no.
-Get a towel.

-Let go. Please, God. Stop it. No.
-Oi, oi!

What the fuck are you doing?

Jamie not talk to you
about leaving him alone?

Fuck's sake.

-You look like you've forgotten something.
-Hi, Keeley.

I'm looking for your prick boyfriend.
You know how to pick 'em, don't ya?

Didn't your last girlfriend steal
your Rolex and sell it for drug money?

So? I don't need a phone and a watch.

Look, I didn't sign up
to be your boyfriend's minder, okay?

But the new gaffer's
trying to make me feel responsible

for fucking Nate,
whose last name I don't even know.

It's Barnes.

No. It's Shelley.

Yeah, I know.

I don't like being tricked.

Not by you and not by,
"Howdy y'all, cowboys.

My name is Ted Lasso and I'm from Kansas."

Wow, you're, like,
really, really bad at impressions, man.

I know he's trying to push my buttons,
but I cannot be manipulated.

Come on. I could push all of your buttons
right now if I wanted to.

-No, you couldn't, Keeley--
-I think, actually, I could.

-You couldn't, Keeley-- No, Keeley.
-What was that? I can't seem to hear you.

-Keeley, if you would listen to me--
-I'm trying to listen to you.

-I could tell you why--
-So tell me.

Is that making you mad?

No.

No.

"I'm Roy Kent
and I get paid to play a game,

but I'm mad all the time."

That's actually pretty good.

Hey, Trent.

-You know who you remind me of right now?
-No. Who?

One of them robot vacuums.

Just kinda wandering around
looking for dirt.

-Roomba.
-That's the one.

Actually, I have a question.

After your resounding loss
to Crystal Palace,

one of your players said
there was a party in the locker room.

Do you feel it sends the right message
having a party after a loss?

Well, Trent, I've never really concerned
myself too much with wins and losses.

Now that's a quote I'll probably use.

You should get going.

Hey, will you let Roy know
we're heading out soon?

-Copy.
-Thanks, Coach.

You wanna tag along?
We're gonna go speak to some schoolkids.

Oh, what a coincidence.

The day of our interview you just happen
to be visiting a local school.

Well, that's the funny thing
about coincidences, ain't it?

Sometimes they just happen.

Come on now.

Come in.

I just wanted to come and thank you again
for stopping that picture from running.

And I bought you a present.

Made me think of you.

It's strong and a bit prickly.

You know, I've decided to
not be scared of you anymore.

I didn't know you were.

Yeah.
I was, like, fucking terrified of you.

My God,
Jamie would have been so pissed off

with reporters poking around
in our love life.

I don't know why I'm telling you.
You know all about that, don't you?

Remember when you got divorced?

It rings a bell.

Yeah, I mean, didn't it,
like, make you really mad

that they went after you and not Rupert?

'Cause he was the one that cheated
and he came across like Prince Charming.

It really pissed me off.

Well, the press are never awful to men.

No one ever pays a fortune for a photo
of a naked man on a yacht in Mallorca

a week after his divorce.

That's like a very specific scenario.

Oh, my God. That means
there's a picture of you naked on a yacht.

Can I see it? Is it here?

Come on. You wouldn't have said something
if you weren't dying to show someone.

Please.

It was taken from a helicopter
while I was sunbathing.

Holy shit, Rebecca.

Are those your real tits?

I feel like a teenage boy.
I can't stop staring at them.

Where did you get those?

My mum.

I can't believe
you stopped this from running.

I would have shown everyone.

Right. I really need to get on.

Oh, sorry. Yeah.

Thank you.

Bye.

Shoes.

Shoes. Yes.

Wow, you really blew my brains out

with those beautiful breasts of yours,
Rebecca.

When I first saw
our school football squad,

I didn't think that Richmond Primary
would win a single game,

much less the league championship.

To celebrate, please welcome
the new manager of AFC Richmond,

Ed Lasso.

Thank you. I appreciate you.

All right. Hey, gang. How y'all doing?

-Wanker.
-Jacob.

It's all right.

Look, I just wanted to come down

and congratulate y'all
on a heck of a season.

But hey, I know someone else
who's really excited to meet all of ya.

So if you please help me welcome

the captain of your AFC Richmond squad,
Roy Kent.

Roy! Roy! Roy! Roy!

Right.

Never been much for public speaking
or school, really.

Always seemed like a waste of time to me.

Why don't we
get out of this stuffy auditorium,

go out on the pitch
and have a proper fuck-about?

I think it's really cool you do this.

Only doing it
'cause my fucking niece goes here.

-Oh, yeah? Which one is she?
-That idiot.

Oh boy, here she comes.

Can we do headers, Uncle Roy?

Yeah, all right. Come on then.

All right. Come on, you lot. Line up.

Heads. Lovely.

Next. Go. Perfect.

Next. Heads.

Next.

Well done. Next.

Next. Sweet.

Lovely. I liked it.

-Good.
-Roy, come on.

You hop in there, show 'em how it's done.
I'll do a couple.

How you doing? Ready? Come on.

That's the spot. Come on.

Here we go, Phoebe.
Let's see what you got.

Hey, nice catch.
We might have ourselves a goalie.

Boy, oh boy. That was right in the button.

Good job, Phoebe.

Oh boy.

Sorry about the blood there.

There you go.

Don't use it to clone me.

Nice meeting you. Take care now.

That's the longest anyone's ever stayed
for something like this.

-Hey, thanks for having us.
-Cheers.

Thanks again.

Roy, that was a blast.

And I tell you what, that niece of yours
is a real cutie patootie.

Enough. I've had it with your mind games
and your stupid gifts.

I mean, what even is A Wrinkle in Time?

It's a lovely novel.

It's the story of a young girl's struggle
with the burden of leadership

as she journeys through space.

Yeah. That's it.

Am I supposed to be the little girl?

I'd like you to be.

Right. None of this matters.

'Cause I'm just doing
what everyone in this town is doing,

and I'm counting down the days
until you're gone.

Trent, you're a colossal prick.
You always have been.

Phoebe, come on.

Are you hungry?

Little tradition.

Let battle commence.

Ted Lasso?

-Hey there, Ollie.
-Leave it out. What are you doing here?

Well, I mean, you invited me, remember?

I invite every person
who's been in my car.

Hey, Ollie. This is my friend Trent.

-Trent, this is my buddy Ollie.
-Pleased to meet you.

Congrats. You both just met a cool person.

Right, gentlemen.
You know what you're having?

Yeah. Well, you know,
whatever the chef recommends.

That would be my father-in-law.
Are you okay with a little bit of spice?

Have him make it for us
like we're a couple members of the family.

You're a brave man.

Oh, man. Mad respect.

That might not be the wisest of choices.

Here you go, boys.

-Dig in.
-Can't wait.

The smell's already deep inside my brain.

-Gonna love it.
-I appreciate it.

I can't imagine
they have good Indian food in Kansas.

I have no idea.
I've never had Indian food.

Wow, that-- I mean, that's hot.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Feel like I'm about to breathe fire.

I don't think I can eat that.

What? No, no, no. Come on now.
We gotta put a decent dent in this,

otherwise we're gonna embarrass Ollie
in front of his family.

-No, really, I can't.
-Come on, just dump it on my plate.

Yeah, yeah. You're good.

So, if you love Kansas so much,
why did you--

Why did you leave to coach a sport
you can barely-- you know anything about?

Was it just the money?

Wait, I'm supposed to be getting paid?

Are you enjoying the food?

Tell your father-in-law it's perfect.

Dad! He says it's perfect!

Ted. What you're doing is irresponsible.

This club actually means something
to this town.

I know that.

I do.

Trent, what do you love?

Is it writing?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

Well, good, 'cause you're darn good at it.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Me? I love coaching.

Now, I'm gonna say this again

just so you didn't think
it was a mistake the first time I said it.

For me,
success is not about the wins and losses.

It's about helping these young fellas
be the best versions of themselves

on and off the field.

And it ain't always easy, Trent,

but neither is growing up
without someone believing in you.

Let me ask you this.

Is my tongue still in my mouth?

'Cause I am about to hallucinate
from all the heat here.

I really should go.

-Deadlines and all.
-Hey, gotta do the work.

Hey, I'll say this though.

I really enjoyed getting to
spend this time with you, Trent.

You actually mean that, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

You all right?

Normally, one dish is plenty,

but we know how
you Americans like to eat, innit?

Let's do it, huh?

Try that one.

-Beautiful, right?
-It's beyond beautiful. It's hot.

"Mrs. Which's voice was grave.

'What do you understand?'

'That it has to be me.

Can't be anyone else.'"

Fuck!

That's a bad word, Uncle Roy.

Mind your own business, Phoebe.

Be good.

-Yes?
-I have an advance copy of the article.

-Read it to me.
-Title: "Wayward Ted."

"Whatever you think of Ted Lasso
as a football coach,

I assure you,
the truth is harder to swallow."

-Hey, how you doing?
-Good. How's your nose, Coach?

-It's fine. Thank you for asking.
-"And swallow you must,

because Ted is out there in the community

either bravely
or stupidly facing the music."

-Hey, fellas. How you doing?
-"That's for you to decide."

Piss off, wanker!

-Hi.
-Yeah.

-Stop it.
-Every time.

"And yes, he's in over his head.

He insisted twice that he didn't care
if Richmond won or lost.

But if the Lasso way is wrong,
it's hard to imagine being right."

Why have you stopped reading?

Please do me the favor of remembering that
these aren't my words, it's Trent Crimm.

Keep going.

-"In a business that celebrates ego,
-...celebrates ego,

-Ted reins his in."
-Ted reins his in.

His coaching style is subtle.
It never hits you over the head.

Hello, Roy.
I didn't know it was a retirement party.

Shit!

Stop messing with Nate!

Now, I don't know
which one of you I nutted,

'cause I don't
see so well at night anymore,

but that goes for all of you!

Slowly growing until you can no longer
ignore its presence.

Vanilla vodka.

Such a child.

Keeley.

Roy.

Whether that means
allowing followers to become leaders,

or in a show of respect,
eating food so spicy

it's sure to wreak massive havoc
on his intestinal system.

Keys, keys, keys.

Okay, here we go. Oh boy. Oh boy.

And though I believe that
Ted Lasso will fail here

and Richmond will suffer
the embarrassment of relegation,

I won't gloat when it happens.

Because I can't help but root for him.

Fuck!