Original subtitles

[chuckling]

You know, Pat, I wanted to tell you

that the camera really loves you.

I mean, really, really--

[cork pops]

...loves you.

Well, it's true

I've always been exceptionally photogenic.

[chuckling]

Ahh.

A toast, then, to...

to America's newest superstar.

[ding]

Oh, this bubbly goes straight to my head.

Careful.

Well, I don't really feel like dancing, Kyle.

Of course not.

You must be...

awfully exhausted

after such an exciting day.

Well, it was on TV.

I'm the luckiest man in the world

to be able to share this moment with you, Pat.

Kyle.

Wow.

Whoo.

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

Why don't you just loosen up a little bit, Pat?

Maybe we could, uh, have some fun.

Okay, I think I understand what's going on here, Kyle.

You got the wrong impression about me.

I mean, I like you as a friend, okay?

A friend.

To tell you the truth,

you're not exactly my type,

if you know what I'm saying.

Plus, Kyle, you're married, and I'm engaged,

so... Oh, Kyle, this is just embarrassing.

I'm gonna go.

Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.

"Why don't you loosen up a little?"

The guy needs therapy.

Pat, you were, uh...

Hi. Thank you.

Thank you.

Kathy, so what did you think?

Well, uh, it was so much like the engagement party.

It was just like being there.

I knew you'd love it.

Hey, we have a celebrity in the building!

Me! [chuckling]

I was brilliant.

I know now that I was born

to bring joy into the lives of millions.

[ring]

Hello. TV's Pat speaking.

Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.

Uh, you were really great on the show tonight.

I know.

Uh, look, Pat, uh,

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Well, I understand

how you can get overemotional sometimes.

No biggie.

You know, Pat, you really should follow your dreams.

But, you know, maybe you should just pick one dream

and follow it, okay?

Okay.

So we're in love again, right?

Oh, Pat.

We were never out of love.

Oh, Chris, you believed in me all along.

Psst, Pat.

Sorry. I have to go.

There's somebody at the window.

[dial tone]

Pat, you're a wonderful person.

All right, Kyle, listen, uh,

I have to go to bed.

I'll talk to you later.

Don't close the door on my hand! Aah!

[crash]

Hey, weren't you on TV last night?

Yes, I was.

Can we talk to you for a minute?

Okay.

Pat, aren't you?

Aw, who wants to know?

Oh, we're Ween.

What's a ween?

We're a band, you know.

That's Gene Ween, and I'm Dean Ween.

You know, like Simon and Garfunkel,

Peaches and Herb.

It's kind of sad

you got stuck with that name.

Yeah, anyway, we're doing a gig tonight,

and we were wondering if you wanted

to come out and play.

Great! I'm in a band!

I hopped aboard that bus

knowing I was on the road to fame and fortune.

[chanting] Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!

One minute, Pat.

Don't mind the cameras, Pat.

Do your thing, and you'll look great in the video.

Thank you.

Pat.

How exciting.

Just think, all those thousands of people

looking at me and only at me.

All of them watching and waiting for me

to fill their lives with meaning.

Pat, you okay?

Where's my axe?

Your instrument's set on stage.

- All right. - Knock 'em dead.

Thank you.

Ween! Ween! Ween!

[cheering]

Pat, we're Ween.

[high voices] ♪ When you've had your fun ♪

♪ And your work is done ♪

♪ You must not succumb ♪

♪ I can feel you breathe ♪

♪ At least I can make a Norwegian side ♪

♪ Please don't hide ♪

♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪

♪ Mom, if you please ♪

♪ Pass me the pork roll, egg, and cheese ♪

♪ If you please, on a Kaiser bun ♪

Hi. Thank you.

Hey, you were incredible tonight, Pat.

Oh, you thought so, too?

Pat, great show.

Yeah, you were amazing.

Well, the tuba is a sadly overlooked instrument.

Care for a mushroom?

Oh, hey, I don't know what's in these.

These could be psychedelic, right?

Oh, I know about these music industry parties:

sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

Woo-hoo!

[sitar music]

[groaning]

I see trails...

the realistic pillows.

Gene, you have a polka-dot monkey on your nose.

Pat, those aren't hallucinogenic mushrooms.

They're from Safeway.

Oh.

Hey, you guys, I played with the Ween!

- What? - Ohh.

Gross.

I played with the Ween!

Hey, I played with the Ween!

Hey, everybody!

I can't believe you did this!

I want a divorce.

[playing "Three Blind Mice"]

Ohh!

Ahem!

Mm-hmm.

Hey, dudes!

Well, just another gig.

Are you ready to rock 'n' roll?

Hey, Pat, what's up?

Just getting ready for the next gig.

Oh. Pat, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

We just wanted to get some footage of you

for our next video.

You were great and everything,

but that's all we needed.

Well, maybe I should go out

as a surprise bonus attraction.

No, it's too late to change the lineup.

Well, maybe I could just jam with the band

as a special celebrity guest.

We appreciate that, but we just can't do it.

I'll perform for free.

I'm sorry, Pat. Not tonight.

Okey-dokey.

Well...

see you at the next gig.

Pat, try to understand

we booked you for just one performance.

That's all. We were filming a video.

Didn't you read the contract we gave you to sign?

Well, yes, of course I did,

but I can hardly be expected to read all the fine print.

I mean, I just naturally assumed

that I would go on tour with you

and then I would get a record contract of my own

and have a fabulous music career.

Isn't that standard contract?

No, not as such.

You guys were nothing without me!

I hate show biz!

It's a cutthroat industry!

Aw, I know, hon, I know.

All I am to them is a body, an image!

I understand.

To them I'm just a piece of meat

to be chewed up and spit out!

[sobbing]

Oh, Pat.

Maybe it's all for the best.

Feel sorrier for me!

How can I feel sorry for you

when you feel so sorry for yourself?

I miss my career.

[whining]

I miss the limelight

and the adulation of thousands!

Oh, Pat, being famous and having a career,

they're-- they're not the same thing.

What are you talking about?

Well, a career implies having a skill.

You think I'm untalented!

No, I don't.

I'll show you! I'm a renaissance person!

I don't understand why you insist

on blowing this thing so out of proportion.

I don't think you know what you want out of life.

I just want fame and riches. Is that too much to ask?

Oh, Pat.

Those are the goals of an empty soul, Pat...

one that I frankly do not want to spend

a whole lot of time with, so--

And you're not being supportive enough!

I need something for me right now!

Come on.

No.

Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Where am I?

What kind of spell have I been under, Pat?

I mean, you and I are clearly

fundamentally incompatible,

and I just think--

I think we should call it quits, Pat.

I think it's... over between us,

and, uh, I should be going.

Goodbye, Pat.

[sobbing]

Dear Diary:

I am at the lowest point in my life.

First my music career was sabotaged,

and then Chris became unreasonable,

and I had to break off our engagement.

Thank goodness I still have you, Dear Diary,

a confidante to whom I can bare my soul's most secret yearnings

and vulnerable feelings.

Oh, well, I'm sure everything

will look better in the morning.

Ohh...

[bottles rattle]

You're a stupid lettuce-head.

Oh, no!

[humming]

You're all wet, Pat.

Ohh!

Ohh...

I'm being haunted by the specter

of my former lover.

I should record that dream in my diary.

No! My laptop!

Ohh! Ohh!

My diary's been stolen!

Ohh! Help!

Oh, Kyle!

Kyle! Ohh!

Oh, madness!

Oh, my diary's been stolen!

My diary's been stolen!

Oh, no.

Kyle, at this very moment,

some diabolical cat burglar could be reading

the most intimate details of my private life!

Kyle!

That's terrible, Pat.

Hey, I have frames just like those.

Wait a minute, Pat.

Don't you need a password

to gain access to the diary itself?

Yes. Yes, I do.

And what was that password again?

I would never tell that to anyone.

Not even a closest friend, a nearby neighbor,

somebody that can--

Well, I'll give you a hint.

It's in the dictionary.

Ohh, all right, Kyle.

I feel a little bit better.

Good.

Okay, I got to go.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

Hmm.

[buzzing]

[Pat's voice] Access denied.

[chuckling]

It was worth a try anyway.

A.

[buzzing]

Dick.

[buzzing]

I will know your secrets, my love.

I will possess you utterly.

Whoever had stolen my diary

had left few clues behind,

and I was soon on the trail,

sniffing out leads.

Hey, dudes.

Any of you guys steal anything lately?

What are you talking about?

Like my laptop diary.

It's been stolen, and I want it back.

What the hell are you anyway?

Oh, I know what you're thinking.

Am I a Crip or am I a Blood?

No. What we want to know

is are you a brother or a sister?

- Word. - Yeah.

Well, I'm an only child.

There's a word for what you are.

Charismatic?

Spike, what is the word I'm looking for?

Androgynous.

- Yeah. - That's it.

Oh, that's right. Androgynous.

That's what everyone says about me.

Good old androgynous Pat.

Pat's always cheerful

and androgynous with everybody.

So what the hell are you?

A man or a woman?

Ohh...

Ohh! Ohh!

What the hell was that?

Hmm.

Ohh!

May I help you with something?

I need a makeover, pronto!

Makeover.

Yes, I need to look more like my own gender.

You know what I'm saying, Gunther.

Oh...kay.

Let's go.

Fantastic.

I don't think so.

Oh, that's quite flattering.

You've got to be kidding.

The minimalist.

[speeded-up chatter]

That's it! It's me!

Oh, I love my new look!

Oh, you're a genius, Gunther.

All in a day's work for Gunther.

I may have looked fabulous on the outside,

but inside I was a mess.

At a time like this, I needed a friend.

I needed my best friend.

Man on phone: I mean, he was-- he was looking at me funny,

and I had the gun in my hand,

so-- so I-- I shot him.

Well, anger is nothing more than hurt

that hasn't been dealt with.

You need to work on healing your inner child, okay?

I want you to have a 20-minute conversation

with your inner child every day.

And remember, no fighting.

All right, so let me know how things go.

Okay, great, we're going to pause here

to pay some bills.

I'm Kathy Griffin on "Love Chat."

Pat.

Hi, Kathy. How you doing?

What are you doing?

I'm working, Pat.

Oh. Listen, I need a job. Can you get me one?

Okay, well, why would I get you a job?

Have you forgotten who set the clock on your VCR?

That thing would be flashing from here to Tuesday

if it weren't for me.

Oh, right. Look, Pat,

I'm trying to do a little show here, okay?

Maybe we could talk about this later.

Kathy, this isn't about you right now.

This is about me.

What am I gonna do?

Security!

Oh, great!

Do I get to wear a uniform?

[phone rings]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

[ring]

Hello.

Woman: I'm having an affair with my next door neighbor.

I feel terrible about it. Who can I talk to?

Well, try your husband.

[ring]

Phone's ringing!

[ring]

[ring]

What do you want?

I would like this individual

escorted from the building, please.

Uh, just a second. I want to hear this.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, my God.

Pat is taking calls on the air?

I know.

Well, go to commercial. Pull the plug.

No. This is great talk radio.

That's the most repulsive thing I've ever heard.

Look, Troy, that is trivializing their pain.

Okay? Pat isn't helping people.

At least Pat's not putting people to sleep.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

That's a slur directed against me, right?

Look at all the calls coming in.

Oh, You are so disgusting.

Hello. Whoa. Um...