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789
00:34:21,324 --> 00:34:22,627
[chuckling]
790
00:34:24,328 --> 00:34:26,130
You know, Pat,
I wanted to tell you
791
00:34:26,163 --> 00:34:29,300
that the camera
really loves you.
792
00:34:29,333 --> 00:34:31,302
I mean, really, really--
793
00:34:31,335 --> 00:34:32,503
[cork pops]
794
00:34:32,536 --> 00:34:33,704
...loves you.
795
00:34:33,737 --> 00:34:35,339
Well, it's true
796
00:34:35,371 --> 00:34:37,241
I've always been
exceptionally photogenic.
797
00:34:37,274 --> 00:34:38,442
[chuckling]
798
00:34:38,475 --> 00:34:40,377
Ahh.
799
00:34:40,409 --> 00:34:43,714
A toast, then, to...
800
00:34:43,746 --> 00:34:47,484
to America's newest
superstar.
801
00:34:47,518 --> 00:34:48,786
[ding]
802
00:34:51,255 --> 00:34:53,724
Oh, this bubbly goes
straight to my head.
803
00:34:53,757 --> 00:34:55,092
Careful.
804
00:35:06,703 --> 00:35:09,473
Well, I don't really
feel like dancing, Kyle.
805
00:35:09,506 --> 00:35:11,274
Of course not.
806
00:35:11,308 --> 00:35:13,144
You must be...
807
00:35:13,177 --> 00:35:16,147
awfully exhausted
808
00:35:16,180 --> 00:35:18,682
after
such an exciting day.
809
00:35:18,715 --> 00:35:20,451
Well, it was on TV.
810
00:35:20,484 --> 00:35:21,852
I'm the luckiest man
in the world
811
00:35:21,885 --> 00:35:24,288
to be able to share
this moment with you, Pat.
812
00:35:24,321 --> 00:35:25,623
Kyle.
813
00:35:25,656 --> 00:35:26,891
Wow.
814
00:35:26,924 --> 00:35:28,759
Whoo.
815
00:35:28,792 --> 00:35:32,163
Is it hot in here,
or is it just me?
816
00:35:32,196 --> 00:35:34,865
Why don't you just loosen
up a little bit, Pat?
817
00:35:34,898 --> 00:35:37,168
Maybe we could,
uh, have some fun.
818
00:35:37,201 --> 00:35:40,504
Okay, I think I understand
what's going on here, Kyle.
819
00:35:40,537 --> 00:35:42,705
You got the wrong
impression about me.
820
00:35:42,739 --> 00:35:44,909
I mean, I like you
as a friend, okay?
821
00:35:44,942 --> 00:35:46,343
A friend.
822
00:35:46,376 --> 00:35:47,678
To tell you the truth,
823
00:35:47,711 --> 00:35:49,479
you're not exactly my type,
824
00:35:49,513 --> 00:35:51,781
if you know
what I'm saying.
825
00:35:51,815 --> 00:35:54,552
Plus, Kyle, you're married,
and I'm engaged,
826
00:35:54,585 --> 00:35:58,522
so... Oh, Kyle,
this is just embarrassing.
827
00:35:58,555 --> 00:35:59,757
I'm gonna go.
828
00:36:08,899 --> 00:36:12,903
Oh, sweet mystery that is Pat.
829
00:36:12,936 --> 00:36:15,272
"Why don't you
loosen up a little?"
830
00:36:15,305 --> 00:36:16,839
The guy needs therapy.
831
00:36:16,873 --> 00:36:18,576
Pat, you were, uh...
832
00:36:18,609 --> 00:36:19,744
Hi. Thank you.
833
00:36:21,378 --> 00:36:22,513
Thank you.
834
00:36:24,014 --> 00:36:26,584
Kathy,
so what did you think?
835
00:36:26,617 --> 00:36:30,888
Well, uh, it was so much
like the engagement party.
836
00:36:30,921 --> 00:36:32,522
It was
just like being there.
837
00:36:32,556 --> 00:36:34,258
I knew you'd love it.
838
00:36:34,291 --> 00:36:37,261
Hey, we have a celebrity
in the building!
839
00:36:37,294 --> 00:36:39,730
Me! [chuckling]
840
00:36:39,763 --> 00:36:41,732
I was brilliant.
841
00:36:41,765 --> 00:36:43,500
I know now that I was born
842
00:36:43,533 --> 00:36:45,903
to bring joy into
the lives of millions.
843
00:36:45,936 --> 00:36:47,371
[ring]
844
00:36:47,404 --> 00:36:49,673
Hello.
TV's Pat speaking.
845
00:36:49,706 --> 00:36:51,642
Chris: Hi. Hi, it's me.
846
00:36:51,675 --> 00:36:54,612
Uh, you were really great
on the show tonight.
847
00:36:54,645 --> 00:36:56,447
I know.
848
00:36:56,480 --> 00:36:58,782
Uh, look, Pat, uh,
849
00:36:58,815 --> 00:37:01,252
I'm really sorry
about earlier.
850
00:37:01,285 --> 00:37:02,953
Well, I understand
851
00:37:02,986 --> 00:37:05,656
how you can get
overemotional sometimes.
852
00:37:05,689 --> 00:37:07,391
No biggie.
853
00:37:07,424 --> 00:37:11,528
You know, Pat, you really
should follow your dreams.
854
00:37:11,561 --> 00:37:14,765
But, you know, maybe you
should just pick one dream
855
00:37:14,798 --> 00:37:16,667
and follow it, okay?
856
00:37:16,700 --> 00:37:17,868
Okay.
857
00:37:17,901 --> 00:37:20,604
So we're in love again,
right?
858
00:37:20,637 --> 00:37:21,939
Oh, Pat.
859
00:37:21,972 --> 00:37:24,375
We were never out of love.
860
00:37:24,408 --> 00:37:26,844
Oh, Chris, you believed
in me all along.
861
00:37:28,812 --> 00:37:30,047
Psst, Pat.
862
00:37:30,080 --> 00:37:31,448
Sorry. I have to go.
863
00:37:31,481 --> 00:37:32,716
There's somebody
at the window.
864
00:37:32,749 --> 00:37:33,984
[dial tone]
865
00:37:34,017 --> 00:37:38,656
Pat, you're
a wonderful person.
866
00:37:38,689 --> 00:37:40,857
All right, Kyle,
listen, uh,
867
00:37:40,891 --> 00:37:42,293
I have to go to bed.
868
00:37:42,326 --> 00:37:43,494
I'll talk to you later.
869
00:37:43,527 --> 00:37:44,895
Don't close the door
on my hand! Aah!
870
00:37:44,928 --> 00:37:46,263
[crash]
871
00:37:54,504 --> 00:37:56,740
Hey, weren't you
on TV last night?
872
00:37:56,773 --> 00:37:58,842
Yes, I was.
873
00:37:58,875 --> 00:38:00,911
Can we talk to you
for a minute?
874
00:38:00,944 --> 00:38:02,479
Okay.
875
00:38:02,512 --> 00:38:03,881
Pat, aren't you?
876
00:38:03,914 --> 00:38:05,449
Aw, who wants to know?
877
00:38:05,482 --> 00:38:07,017
Oh, we're Ween.
878
00:38:07,050 --> 00:38:08,452
What's a ween?
879
00:38:08,485 --> 00:38:09,853
We're a band, you know.
880
00:38:09,886 --> 00:38:11,455
That's Gene Ween,
and I'm Dean Ween.
881
00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,424
You know, like
Simon and Garfunkel,
882
00:38:13,457 --> 00:38:14,625
Peaches and Herb.
883
00:38:14,658 --> 00:38:15,859
It's kind of sad
884
00:38:15,892 --> 00:38:17,627
you got stuck with that name.
885
00:38:17,661 --> 00:38:19,697
Yeah, anyway, we're
doing a gig tonight,
886
00:38:19,730 --> 00:38:20,964
and we were wondering
if you wanted
887
00:38:20,997 --> 00:38:22,533
to come out and play.
888
00:38:22,566 --> 00:38:24,567
Great! I'm in a band!
889
00:38:24,601 --> 00:38:27,404
I hopped aboard that bus
890
00:38:27,437 --> 00:38:30,775
knowing I was on the road
to fame and fortune.
891
00:38:34,745 --> 00:38:37,481
[chanting]
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
892
00:38:37,514 --> 00:38:39,984
Ween! Ween! Ween! Ween!
893
00:38:41,518 --> 00:38:42,787
One minute, Pat.
894
00:38:45,756 --> 00:38:47,857
Don't mind the cameras,
Pat.
895
00:38:47,891 --> 00:38:50,027
Do your thing, and you'll
look great in the video.
896
00:38:50,060 --> 00:38:51,395
Thank you.
897
00:38:52,996 --> 00:38:54,365
Pat.
898
00:38:54,398 --> 00:38:55,733
How exciting.
899
00:38:55,766 --> 00:38:58,469
Just think, all those
thousands of people
900
00:38:58,502 --> 00:39:00,770
looking at me
and only at me.
901
00:39:00,804 --> 00:39:04,041
All of them watching
and waiting for me
902
00:39:04,074 --> 00:39:06,510
to fill their lives
with meaning.
903
00:39:11,982 --> 00:39:13,450
Pat, you okay?
904
00:39:13,483 --> 00:39:14,885
Where's my axe?
905
00:39:14,918 --> 00:39:16,553
Your instrument's
set on stage.
906
00:39:16,586 --> 00:39:17,821
- All right.
- Knock 'em dead.
907
00:39:17,854 --> 00:39:19,056
Thank you.
908
00:39:19,089 --> 00:39:21,392
Ween! Ween! Ween!
909
00:39:21,425 --> 00:39:22,626
[cheering]
910
00:39:22,659 --> 00:39:24,729
Pat, we're Ween.
911
00:39:27,898 --> 00:39:31,635
[high voices]
♪ When you've had your fun ♪
912
00:39:31,668 --> 00:39:34,772
♪ And your work is done ♪
913
00:39:34,805 --> 00:39:39,009
♪ You must not succumb ♪
914
00:39:41,077 --> 00:39:43,881
♪ I can feel you breathe ♪
915
00:39:45,849 --> 00:39:49,820
♪ At least I can make
a Norwegian side ♪
916
00:39:49,853 --> 00:39:54,691
♪ Please don't hide ♪
917
00:39:54,724 --> 00:39:56,560
♪ So, Mom, if you please ♪
918
00:39:56,593 --> 00:39:59,096
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
919
00:39:59,129 --> 00:40:02,165
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
920
00:40:04,601 --> 00:40:05,936
♪ Mom, if you please ♪
921
00:40:05,969 --> 00:40:08,071
♪ Pass me the pork roll,
egg, and cheese ♪
922
00:40:08,104 --> 00:40:11,841
♪ If you please,
on a Kaiser bun ♪
923
00:40:14,711 --> 00:40:15,913
Hi. Thank you.
924
00:40:17,781 --> 00:40:19,983
Hey, you were incredible
tonight, Pat.
925
00:40:20,016 --> 00:40:21,152
Oh, you thought so, too?
926
00:40:22,953 --> 00:40:24,721
Pat, great show.
927
00:40:24,754 --> 00:40:26,589
Yeah, you were amazing.
928
00:40:26,623 --> 00:40:29,126
Well, the tuba is a sadly
overlooked instrument.
929
00:40:29,159 --> 00:40:31,128
Care for a mushroom?
930
00:40:31,161 --> 00:40:33,931
Oh, hey, I don't know
what's in these.
931
00:40:33,964 --> 00:40:35,966
These could be
psychedelic, right?
932
00:40:35,999 --> 00:40:37,935
Oh, I know about these
music industry parties:
933
00:40:37,968 --> 00:40:39,970
sex, drugs, and rock 'n' roll.
934
00:40:40,003 --> 00:40:41,439
Woo-hoo!
935
00:40:44,174 --> 00:40:45,976
[sitar music]
936
00:40:52,682 --> 00:40:54,517
[groaning]
937
00:40:59,189 --> 00:41:01,658
I see trails...
938
00:41:01,691 --> 00:41:04,727
the realistic pillows.
939
00:41:06,296 --> 00:41:11,935
Gene, you have a polka-dot
monkey on your nose.
940
00:41:11,968 --> 00:41:15,071
Pat, those aren't
hallucinogenic
mushrooms.
941
00:41:15,105 --> 00:41:16,507
They're from Safeway.
942
00:41:17,874 --> 00:41:20,009
Oh.
943
00:41:20,043 --> 00:41:22,713
Hey, you guys,
I played with the Ween!
944
00:41:22,746 --> 00:41:23,981
- What?
- Ohh.
945
00:41:24,014 --> 00:41:25,216
Gross.
946
00:41:26,283 --> 00:41:27,750
I played with the Ween!
947
00:41:28,919 --> 00:41:31,555
Hey,
I played with the Ween!
948
00:41:31,588 --> 00:41:33,557
Hey, everybody!
949
00:41:33,590 --> 00:41:36,160
I can't believe
you did this!
950
00:41:39,296 --> 00:41:40,931
I want a divorce.
951
00:41:45,201 --> 00:41:47,204
[playing "Three Blind Mice"]
952
00:41:59,249 --> 00:42:00,584
Ohh!
953
00:42:10,727 --> 00:42:11,862
Ahem!
954
00:42:13,229 --> 00:42:14,732
Mm-hmm.
955
00:42:20,003 --> 00:42:21,572
Hey, dudes!
956
00:42:21,605 --> 00:42:24,708
Well, just another gig.
957
00:42:24,741 --> 00:42:26,843
Are you ready
to rock 'n' roll?
958
00:42:26,876 --> 00:42:28,712
Hey, Pat, what's up?
959
00:42:28,745 --> 00:42:31,315
Just getting ready
for the next gig.
960
00:42:31,348 --> 00:42:35,719
Oh. Pat, I think there's
been a misunderstanding.
961
00:42:35,752 --> 00:42:37,621
We just wanted to get
some footage of you
962
00:42:37,654 --> 00:42:38,822
for our next video.
963
00:42:38,855 --> 00:42:40,190
You were great
and everything,
964
00:42:40,223 --> 00:42:41,725
but that's
all we needed.
965
00:42:41,758 --> 00:42:43,026
Well, maybe I should go out
966
00:42:43,059 --> 00:42:45,128
as a surprise
bonus attraction.
967
00:42:45,161 --> 00:42:47,831
No, it's too late
to change the lineup.
968
00:42:49,265 --> 00:42:51,067
Well, maybe I could
just jam with the band
969
00:42:51,101 --> 00:42:53,070
as a special celebrity guest.
970
00:42:53,103 --> 00:42:56,206
We appreciate that,
but we just can't do it.
971
00:43:02,012 --> 00:43:03,680
I'll perform for free.
972
00:43:03,713 --> 00:43:05,983
I'm sorry, Pat.
Not tonight.
973
00:43:07,350 --> 00:43:08,884
Okey-dokey.
974
00:43:08,918 --> 00:43:10,054
Well...
975
00:43:11,254 --> 00:43:12,956
see you at the next gig.
976
00:43:12,989 --> 00:43:14,291
Pat, try to understand
977
00:43:14,324 --> 00:43:15,792
we booked you for just
one performance.
978
00:43:15,825 --> 00:43:17,894
That's all.
We were filming a video.
979
00:43:17,927 --> 00:43:19,963
Didn't you read the contract
we gave you to sign?
980
00:43:19,996 --> 00:43:22,165
Well, yes, of course I did,
981
00:43:22,198 --> 00:43:25,268
but I can hardly be expected
to read all the fine print.
982
00:43:25,301 --> 00:43:27,337
I mean, I just
naturally assumed
983
00:43:27,370 --> 00:43:29,072
that I would go
on tour with you
984
00:43:29,105 --> 00:43:31,975
and then I would get
a record contract of my own
985
00:43:32,008 --> 00:43:34,211
and have a fabulous
music career.
986
00:43:34,244 --> 00:43:36,813
Isn't that standard contract?
987
00:43:36,846 --> 00:43:38,716
No, not as such.
988
00:43:41,017 --> 00:43:43,219
You guys were
nothing without me!
989
00:43:47,090 --> 00:43:49,092
I hate show biz!
990
00:43:49,125 --> 00:43:51,094
It's a cutthroat industry!
991
00:43:51,127 --> 00:43:52,696
Aw, I know, hon, I know.
992
00:43:52,729 --> 00:43:54,897
All I am to them
is a body, an image!
993
00:43:54,931 --> 00:43:56,199
I understand.
994
00:43:56,232 --> 00:43:57,868
To them I'm just
a piece of meat
995
00:43:57,901 --> 00:44:00,136
to be chewed up
and spit out!
996
00:44:00,170 --> 00:44:01,338
[sobbing]
997
00:44:01,371 --> 00:44:02,739
Oh, Pat.
998
00:44:02,772 --> 00:44:04,141
Maybe
it's all for the best.
999
00:44:04,174 --> 00:44:06,810
Feel sorrier for me!
1000
00:44:06,843 --> 00:44:08,944
How can I feel sorry for you
1001
00:44:08,978 --> 00:44:10,947
when you feel
so sorry for yourself?
1002
00:44:10,980 --> 00:44:12,916
I miss my career.
1003
00:44:12,949 --> 00:44:14,751
[whining]
1004
00:44:14,784 --> 00:44:16,319
I miss the limelight
1005
00:44:16,352 --> 00:44:19,089
and the adulation
of thousands!
1006
00:44:19,122 --> 00:44:22,993
Oh, Pat, being famous
and having a career,
1007
00:44:23,026 --> 00:44:25,194
they're-- they're
not the same thing.
1008
00:44:25,228 --> 00:44:27,397
What are you talking about?
1009
00:44:27,430 --> 00:44:30,000
Well, a career implies
having a skill.
1010
00:44:30,033 --> 00:44:31,234
You think I'm untalented!
1011
00:44:31,267 --> 00:44:32,769
No, I don't.
1012
00:44:32,802 --> 00:44:34,404
I'll show you!
I'm a renaissance person!
1013
00:44:34,437 --> 00:44:36,006
I don't understand
why you insist
1014
00:44:36,039 --> 00:44:37,741
on blowing this thing
so out of proportion.
1015
00:44:37,774 --> 00:44:39,409
I don't think you know
what you want out of life.
1016
00:44:39,442 --> 00:44:43,013
I just want fame and riches.
Is that too much to ask?
1017
00:44:43,046 --> 00:44:45,115
Oh, Pat.
1018
00:44:45,148 --> 00:44:49,820
Those are the goals
of an empty soul, Pat...
1019
00:44:49,853 --> 00:44:52,889
one that I frankly
do not want to spend
1020
00:44:52,922 --> 00:44:54,858
a whole lot of time with,
so--
1021
00:44:54,891 --> 00:44:56,493
And you're not being
supportive enough!
1022
00:44:56,526 --> 00:44:58,928
I need something
for me right now!
1023
00:45:00,930 --> 00:45:02,466
Come on.
1024
00:45:03,800 --> 00:45:04,935
No.
1025
00:45:06,102 --> 00:45:07,837
Well, I'm not gonna beg.
1026
00:45:11,307 --> 00:45:13,109
Where am I?
1027
00:45:13,143 --> 00:45:16,179
What kind of spell
have I been under, Pat?
1028
00:45:16,212 --> 00:45:18,482
I mean, you and I
are clearly
1029
00:45:18,515 --> 00:45:21,017
fundamentally incompatible,
1030
00:45:21,050 --> 00:45:22,419
and I just think--
1031
00:45:22,452 --> 00:45:24,755
I think we should
call it quits, Pat.
1032
00:45:24,788 --> 00:45:28,325
I think it's...
over between us,
1033
00:45:28,358 --> 00:45:30,894
and, uh,
I should be going.
1034
00:45:30,927 --> 00:45:32,396
Goodbye, Pat.
1035
00:45:34,831 --> 00:45:36,100
[sobbing]
1036
00:45:40,403 --> 00:45:41,971
Dear Diary:
1037
00:45:42,005 --> 00:45:44,174
I am at the lowest
point in my life.
1038
00:45:44,207 --> 00:45:46,176
First my music
career was sabotaged,
1039
00:45:46,209 --> 00:45:47,877
and then Chris
became unreasonable,
1040
00:45:47,911 --> 00:45:50,147
and I had to break off
our engagement.
1041
00:45:50,180 --> 00:45:52,549
Thank goodness I still
have you, Dear Diary,
1042
00:45:52,582 --> 00:45:55,152
a confidante to whom
I can bare my soul's
most secret yearnings
1043
00:45:55,185 --> 00:45:58,455
and vulnerable feelings.
1044
00:45:58,488 --> 00:46:00,190
Oh, well, I'm sure everything
1045
00:46:00,223 --> 00:46:01,958
will look better
in the morning.
1046
00:46:01,991 --> 00:46:03,227
Ohh...
1047
00:46:08,998 --> 00:46:10,334
[bottles rattle]
1048
00:46:11,968 --> 00:46:14,370
You're a stupid lettuce-head.
1049
00:46:14,404 --> 00:46:16,907
Oh, no!
1050
00:46:20,443 --> 00:46:22,246
[humming]
1051
00:46:27,483 --> 00:46:29,352
You're all wet, Pat.
1052
00:46:29,385 --> 00:46:31,822
Ohh!
1053
00:46:36,960 --> 00:46:38,162
Ohh...
1054
00:46:42,465 --> 00:46:44,401
I'm being haunted
by the specter
1055
00:46:44,434 --> 00:46:46,303
of my former lover.
1056
00:46:46,336 --> 00:46:49,973
I should record
that dream in my diary.
1057
00:46:53,109 --> 00:46:56,580
No! My laptop!
1058
00:46:56,613 --> 00:46:59,015
Ohh! Ohh!
1059
00:47:03,319 --> 00:47:05,922
My diary's been stolen!
1060
00:47:05,955 --> 00:47:08,290
Ohh! Help!
1061
00:47:08,324 --> 00:47:10,193
Oh, Kyle!
1062
00:47:10,226 --> 00:47:12,429
Kyle! Ohh!
1063
00:47:12,462 --> 00:47:13,930
Oh, madness!
1064
00:47:13,963 --> 00:47:16,600
Oh, my diary's been stolen!
1065
00:47:16,633 --> 00:47:18,335
My diary's been stolen!
1066
00:47:18,368 --> 00:47:19,603
Oh, no.
1067
00:47:19,636 --> 00:47:21,338
Kyle,
at this very moment,
1068
00:47:21,371 --> 00:47:23,540
some diabolical cat burglar
could be reading
1069
00:47:23,573 --> 00:47:26,408
the most intimate
details of my private life!
1070
00:47:26,442 --> 00:47:28,245
Kyle!
1071
00:47:28,278 --> 00:47:29,613
That's terrible, Pat.
1072
00:47:31,314 --> 00:47:33,350
Hey, I have frames
just like those.
1073
00:47:35,351 --> 00:47:37,020
Wait a minute, Pat.
1074
00:47:37,053 --> 00:47:38,321
Don't you need a password
1075
00:47:38,354 --> 00:47:41,024
to gain access
to the diary itself?
1076
00:47:41,057 --> 00:47:43,560
Yes. Yes, I do.
1077
00:47:43,593 --> 00:47:45,962
And what was
that password again?
1078
00:47:45,995 --> 00:47:47,998
I would never tell that
to anyone.
1079
00:47:48,031 --> 00:47:50,100
Not even a closest friend,
a nearby neighbor,
1080
00:47:50,133 --> 00:47:51,301
somebody that can--
1081
00:47:51,334 --> 00:47:52,502
Well,
I'll give you a hint.
1082
00:47:52,535 --> 00:47:54,203
It's in the dictionary.
1083
00:47:56,239 --> 00:47:58,208
Ohh, all right, Kyle.
1084
00:47:58,241 --> 00:48:00,443
I feel a little bit better.
1085
00:48:00,476 --> 00:48:01,912
Good.
1086
00:48:01,945 --> 00:48:03,480
Okay, I got to go.
1087
00:48:03,513 --> 00:48:05,115
Mm-hmm. Okay.
1088
00:48:12,655 --> 00:48:14,024
Hmm.
1089
00:48:18,127 --> 00:48:19,596
[buzzing]
1090
00:48:19,629 --> 00:48:21,197
[Pat's voice]
Access denied.
1091
00:48:21,230 --> 00:48:22,699
[chuckling]
1092
00:48:22,732 --> 00:48:24,368
It was worth a try anyway.
1093
00:48:37,046 --> 00:48:38,181
A.
1094
00:48:41,250 --> 00:48:42,386
[buzzing]
1095
00:48:46,656 --> 00:48:47,991
Dick.
1096
00:48:50,994 --> 00:48:52,362
[buzzing]
1097
00:48:55,098 --> 00:48:59,202
I will know your secrets,
my love.
1098
00:48:59,235 --> 00:49:04,040
I will possess you utterly.
1099
00:49:04,073 --> 00:49:05,709
Whoever had stolen my diary
1100
00:49:05,742 --> 00:49:07,677
had left few clues behind,
1101
00:49:07,710 --> 00:49:09,279
and I was soon on the trail,
1102
00:49:09,312 --> 00:49:11,181
sniffing out leads.
1103
00:49:11,214 --> 00:49:12,982
Hey, dudes.
1104
00:49:13,016 --> 00:49:15,552
Any of you guys
steal anything lately?
1105
00:49:15,585 --> 00:49:18,254
What are you talking about?
1106
00:49:18,287 --> 00:49:21,057
Like my laptop diary.
1107
00:49:21,090 --> 00:49:23,460
It's been stolen,
and I want it back.
1108
00:49:23,493 --> 00:49:26,062
What the hell
are you anyway?
1109
00:49:26,095 --> 00:49:28,198
Oh, I know
what you're thinking.
1110
00:49:28,231 --> 00:49:30,700
Am I a Crip
or am I a Blood?
1111
00:49:30,733 --> 00:49:33,470
No. What we want to know
1112
00:49:33,503 --> 00:49:36,139
is are you a brother
or a sister?
1113
00:49:36,172 --> 00:49:37,340
- Word.
- Yeah.
1114
00:49:37,373 --> 00:49:38,608
Well, I'm an only child.
1115
00:49:38,641 --> 00:49:41,778
There's a word
for what you are.
1116
00:49:41,811 --> 00:49:43,246
Charismatic?
1117
00:49:44,747 --> 00:49:48,551
Spike, what is the word
I'm looking for?
1118
00:49:50,053 --> 00:49:51,520
Androgynous.
1119
00:49:51,554 --> 00:49:53,023
- Yeah.
- That's it.
1120
00:49:53,056 --> 00:49:55,525
Oh, that's right.
Androgynous.
1121
00:49:55,558 --> 00:49:57,594
That's what everyone
says about me.
1122
00:49:57,627 --> 00:50:00,630
Good old androgynous Pat.
1123
00:50:00,663 --> 00:50:03,199
Pat's always cheerful
1124
00:50:03,232 --> 00:50:05,602
and androgynous
with everybody.
1125
00:50:05,635 --> 00:50:08,405
So what the hell are you?
1126
00:50:08,438 --> 00:50:12,509
A man or a woman?
1127
00:50:16,179 --> 00:50:17,614
Ohh...
1128
00:50:18,681 --> 00:50:21,251
Ohh! Ohh!
1129
00:50:21,284 --> 00:50:25,088
What the hell was that?
1130
00:50:45,741 --> 00:50:47,110
Hmm.
1131
00:50:53,449 --> 00:50:54,584
Ohh!
1132
00:51:08,764 --> 00:51:11,301
May I help you
with something?
1133
00:51:11,334 --> 00:51:13,269
I need a makeover, pronto!
1134
00:51:13,302 --> 00:51:14,571
Makeover.
1135
00:51:14,604 --> 00:51:16,705
Yes, I need to look more
like my own gender.
1136
00:51:16,739 --> 00:51:18,308
You know what I'm saying,
Gunther.
1137
00:51:18,341 --> 00:51:20,877
Oh...kay.
1138
00:51:20,910 --> 00:51:22,479
Let's go.
1139
00:51:28,317 --> 00:51:30,320
Fantastic.
1140
00:51:31,888 --> 00:51:33,623
I don't think so.
1141
00:51:35,725 --> 00:51:38,394
Oh, that's
quite flattering.
1142
00:51:38,427 --> 00:51:40,130
You've got to be kidding.
1143
00:51:41,597 --> 00:51:42,765
The minimalist.
1144
00:51:42,798 --> 00:51:44,734
[speeded-up chatter]
1145
00:51:46,636 --> 00:51:49,172
That's it! It's me!
1146
00:51:49,205 --> 00:51:51,241
Oh, I love my new look!
1147
00:51:51,274 --> 00:51:53,442
Oh, you're a genius,
Gunther.
1148
00:51:53,476 --> 00:51:55,679
All in a day's work
for Gunther.
1149
00:51:57,346 --> 00:51:59,482
I may have looked fabulous
on the outside,
1150
00:51:59,515 --> 00:52:01,750
but inside I was a mess.
1151
00:52:01,784 --> 00:52:04,487
At a time like this,
I needed a friend.
1152
00:52:04,520 --> 00:52:07,324
I needed my best friend.
1153
00:52:12,195 --> 00:52:15,165
Man on phone:
I mean, he was-- he was
looking at me funny,
1154
00:52:15,198 --> 00:52:17,299
and I had the gun
in my hand,
1155
00:52:17,333 --> 00:52:19,802
so-- so I-- I shot him.
1156
00:52:19,835 --> 00:52:21,871
Well, anger is nothing
more than hurt
1157
00:52:21,904 --> 00:52:23,606
that hasn't been dealt with.
1158
00:52:23,639 --> 00:52:25,642
You need to work on healing
your inner child, okay?
1159
00:52:25,675 --> 00:52:27,243
I want you to have
a 20-minute conversation
1160
00:52:27,276 --> 00:52:28,544
with your inner child
every day.
1161
00:52:28,578 --> 00:52:30,213
And remember, no fighting.
1162
00:52:30,246 --> 00:52:31,915
All right, so let me know
how things go.
1163
00:52:31,948 --> 00:52:33,516
Okay, great,
we're going to pause here
1164
00:52:33,549 --> 00:52:34,884
to pay some bills.
1165
00:52:34,917 --> 00:52:36,486
I'm Kathy Griffin
on "Love Chat."
1166
00:52:37,687 --> 00:52:38,855
Pat.
1167
00:52:38,888 --> 00:52:40,256
Hi, Kathy.
How you doing?
1168
00:52:40,289 --> 00:52:41,558
What are you doing?
1169
00:52:41,591 --> 00:52:42,859
I'm working, Pat.
1170
00:52:42,892 --> 00:52:45,595
Oh. Listen, I need a job.
Can you get me one?
1171
00:52:45,628 --> 00:52:47,764
Okay, well, why would I
get you a job?
1172
00:52:47,797 --> 00:52:49,832
Have you forgotten who set
the clock on your VCR?
1173
00:52:49,865 --> 00:52:51,868
That thing would be flashing
from here to Tuesday
1174
00:52:51,901 --> 00:52:53,336
if it weren't for me.
1175
00:52:53,369 --> 00:52:55,338
Oh, right. Look, Pat,
1176
00:52:55,371 --> 00:52:57,240
I'm trying to do
a little show here, okay?
1177
00:52:57,273 --> 00:52:58,641
Maybe we could talk
about this later.
1178
00:52:58,674 --> 00:53:00,643
Kathy, this isn't
about you right now.
1179
00:53:00,676 --> 00:53:02,478
This is about me.
1180
00:53:02,511 --> 00:53:04,614
What am I gonna do?
1181
00:53:06,382 --> 00:53:07,984
Security!
1182
00:53:08,017 --> 00:53:10,386
Oh, great!
1183
00:53:10,419 --> 00:53:12,589
Do I get to wear a uniform?
1184
00:53:12,622 --> 00:53:15,524
[phone rings]
1185
00:53:15,558 --> 00:53:16,859
[ring]
1186
00:53:16,892 --> 00:53:18,928
[ring]
1187
00:53:18,961 --> 00:53:21,363
[ring]
1188
00:53:21,397 --> 00:53:23,600
[ring]
1189
00:53:23,633 --> 00:53:25,468
Hello.
1190
00:53:25,501 --> 00:53:28,338
Woman: I'm having an affair
with my next door neighbor.
1191
00:53:28,371 --> 00:53:31,374
I feel terrible about it.
Who can I talk to?
1192
00:53:31,407 --> 00:53:33,343
Well, try your husband.
1193
00:53:36,345 --> 00:53:38,281
[ring]
1194
00:53:38,314 --> 00:53:39,949
Phone's ringing!
1195
00:53:39,982 --> 00:53:41,918
[ring]
1196
00:53:41,951 --> 00:53:44,287
[ring]
1197
00:53:44,320 --> 00:53:46,889
What do you want?
1198
00:53:46,922 --> 00:53:48,491
I would like this individual
1199
00:53:48,524 --> 00:53:49,892
escorted from the building,
please.
1200
00:53:49,925 --> 00:53:51,794
Uh, just a second.
I want to hear this.
1201
00:53:51,827 --> 00:53:53,529
I have no idea
what you're talking about.
1202
00:53:53,562 --> 00:53:54,998
Oh, my God.
1203
00:53:55,031 --> 00:53:57,400
Pat is taking calls
on the air?
1204
00:53:57,433 --> 00:53:58,701
I know.
1205
00:53:58,734 --> 00:54:00,270
Well, go to commercial.
Pull the plug.
1206
00:54:00,303 --> 00:54:02,571
No. This is great
talk radio.
1207
00:54:02,605 --> 00:54:05,942
That's the most repulsive
thing I've ever heard.
1208
00:54:05,975 --> 00:54:08,810
Look, Troy, that is
trivializing their pain.
1209
00:54:08,844 --> 00:54:10,546
Okay?
Pat isn't helping people.
1210
00:54:10,579 --> 00:54:12,815
At least Pat's not
putting people to sleep.
1211
00:54:12,848 --> 00:54:14,450
Oh. Oh. Okay.
1212
00:54:14,483 --> 00:54:15,818
That's a slur directed
against me, right?
1213
00:54:15,851 --> 00:54:18,288
Look at all the calls
coming in.
1214
00:54:18,321 --> 00:54:21,857
Oh, You are so disgusting.
1215
00:54:21,891 --> 00:54:23,426
Hello. Whoa. Um...26700
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