All language subtitles for Father Ted - 2x01 - Hell.eng

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,278 --> 00:00:25,234 (Helicopter) 2 00:00:29,318 --> 00:00:30,467 (Crash) 3 00:00:35,998 --> 00:00:39,468 Now, Tom, this is the first time you've been trusted 4 00:00:39,558 --> 00:00:42,231 with such a large consignment of raw sewage. 5 00:00:42,318 --> 00:00:46,436 - Are you sure you'll be all right? - Don't worry about me at all. 6 00:00:46,518 --> 00:00:50,750 This button opens the doors and this one shoots the sewage out. 7 00:00:50,838 --> 00:00:53,955 (Tom ) This for the doors and this shoots the stuff out? 8 00:00:54,038 --> 00:00:57,189 - No, the other way around. - Right you are! 9 00:00:58,398 --> 00:01:00,150 Good luck, so. 10 00:01:13,878 --> 00:01:18,349 July the 19th. Why does that strike me as important? 11 00:01:18,438 --> 00:01:20,076 Yes! 12 00:01:20,158 --> 00:01:24,037 July 19th? I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks. 13 00:01:28,918 --> 00:01:30,431 I'm sorry? 14 00:01:30,518 --> 00:01:33,874 I said I wouldn't know, Ted, you big bollocks. 15 00:01:36,118 --> 00:01:40,157 Have you been reading those Roddy Doyle books again, Dougal? 16 00:01:41,678 --> 00:01:44,511 I have, yeah, Ted, you big gobshite. 17 00:01:44,598 --> 00:01:48,068 That's all very well. But remember, they're just stories. 18 00:01:48,158 --> 00:01:51,116 Normal people like us don't use that language. 19 00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:55,032 - This is the real world. - Oh, you're right there, Ted. 20 00:01:56,118 --> 00:01:59,713 Anyway, any idea why July the 19th should be so important? 21 00:01:59,798 --> 00:02:02,471 Would that be the day the Ice Age ended? 22 00:02:05,078 --> 00:02:07,034 No, Dougal! 23 00:02:07,118 --> 00:02:09,791 They can't be that precise about the Ice Age. 24 00:02:09,878 --> 00:02:11,914 I'll look it up in the diary. 25 00:02:15,398 --> 00:02:20,074 July 19th. "On this day, Galway liberated from Indians... 26 00:02:22,398 --> 00:02:24,468 "Marathon becomes Snickers"... 27 00:02:27,598 --> 00:02:29,714 A-ha, Ted! "Ice Age ends." 28 00:02:32,998 --> 00:02:34,716 Time for tea, Fathers. 29 00:02:34,798 --> 00:02:37,870 Mrs Doyle, is anything important about July the 19th? 30 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:40,426 It doesn't matter what day it is, Father, 31 00:02:40,518 --> 00:02:43,476 there's always time for a nice cup of tea. 32 00:02:43,558 --> 00:02:47,551 Didn't our Lord Himself on the cross pause for a nice cup of tea 33 00:02:47,638 --> 00:02:50,027 before giving Himself up for the world? 34 00:02:50,118 --> 00:02:51,790 No, He didn't, Mrs Doyle! 35 00:02:51,878 --> 00:02:55,188 Whatever equivalent they had for tea in those days - 36 00:02:55,278 --> 00:02:57,234 cake or whatever. 37 00:02:57,318 --> 00:03:00,276 And speaking of cake... I have cake. 38 00:03:00,358 --> 00:03:01,996 I'm fine for cake, Mrs Doyle. 39 00:03:02,078 --> 00:03:04,194 Are you sure, Father? 40 00:03:04,278 --> 00:03:06,348 There's cocaine in it. 41 00:03:08,038 --> 00:03:09,949 There's what?! 42 00:03:10,038 --> 00:03:13,189 Oh, no, not cocaine. What am I on about? 43 00:03:13,278 --> 00:03:16,031 No, I meant... What do you call them? 44 00:03:16,118 --> 00:03:17,995 Raisins. 45 00:03:18,078 --> 00:03:21,787 Right. I won't, thanks. 46 00:03:21,878 --> 00:03:24,187 Ah, you will. 47 00:03:24,278 --> 00:03:27,668 Sure, it's only small. It's just a tiny little cake. 48 00:03:27,758 --> 00:03:31,114 You won't feel it. You won't even know you're eatin' it. 49 00:03:31,198 --> 00:03:33,837 No, I will know I'm eating it, Mrs Doyle. 50 00:03:33,918 --> 00:03:36,193 No, you won't! Look at the size of it! 51 00:03:36,278 --> 00:03:39,554 It's hardly even a cake. It's a micro-cake. 52 00:03:39,638 --> 00:03:42,710 - No, Mrs Doyle, I really won't... - Aw, come on now. 53 00:03:42,798 --> 00:03:44,709 It's got raisins... 54 00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:46,754 cherries...cinnamon! 55 00:03:46,838 --> 00:03:48,635 - Cinnamon? - Oh, yes. 56 00:03:48,718 --> 00:03:52,108 I do love cinnamon. What the heck, I'll have one. 57 00:03:52,198 --> 00:03:53,392 Great! 58 00:03:53,478 --> 00:03:56,356 No. No, Father, I'm forcing you. 59 00:03:56,438 --> 00:03:59,271 No, you're not. Really! 60 00:03:59,358 --> 00:04:02,748 - I love cinnamon. - No, no, you're just being polite. 61 00:04:02,838 --> 00:04:06,433 If you don't want any, all you have to do is say "no". 62 00:04:06,518 --> 00:04:08,793 Just that one little word, "no". 63 00:04:08,878 --> 00:04:13,269 It's a lovely word our Lord gave us to use when we don't want any cake. 64 00:04:13,358 --> 00:04:16,555 Yes, but just this once, I'd actually love some cake. 65 00:04:16,638 --> 00:04:18,549 Well, you can't have any! 66 00:04:18,638 --> 00:04:20,151 I want cake! 67 00:04:20,238 --> 00:04:23,628 No, I'm just going out to have these destroyed. 68 00:04:23,718 --> 00:04:25,629 Sorry about that, Father. 69 00:04:27,398 --> 00:04:30,356 Anyway, this date thing is bothering me now. 70 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,908 July the 19th. Is there something we always do on July 19th? 71 00:04:33,998 --> 00:04:36,466 - (Crashing) - (Jack) Drink! 72 00:04:37,598 --> 00:04:40,476 - Is it something to do with Jack? - Maybe it's... 73 00:04:40,558 --> 00:04:43,948 - Oh, God, it's not his bath?! - Oh, no, it couldn't be! 74 00:04:44,038 --> 00:04:46,916 No, wait! Calm down! He's just had his bath! 75 00:04:46,998 --> 00:04:49,114 Remember? Just before Christmas. 76 00:04:49,198 --> 00:04:52,634 Oh, thank God for that! God Almighty! 77 00:04:54,318 --> 00:04:56,274 - You Ok? - I think so. 78 00:04:57,478 --> 00:04:59,230 So what could it be? 79 00:05:02,518 --> 00:05:05,316 A-ha! Holiday. 80 00:05:10,238 --> 00:05:12,911 (Ted) Come on, Dougal. Better get moving. 81 00:05:15,798 --> 00:05:17,516 Where'll be go on holiday, Ted? 82 00:05:17,598 --> 00:05:20,431 - God, I don't know. - Pearson's? 83 00:05:20,518 --> 00:05:24,989 Mr Pearson doesn't like people staying. It's not a guesthouse. 84 00:05:25,078 --> 00:05:27,308 - Is it not? - No, no. 85 00:05:27,398 --> 00:05:31,516 Remember the argument last year when we tried to stay the second week? 86 00:05:31,598 --> 00:05:36,035 Wait! Father O'Rourke's caravan! He said we could use it anytime. 87 00:05:36,118 --> 00:05:39,030 Oh, no, Ted, not again! It's very small. 88 00:05:39,118 --> 00:05:43,350 No, he got a new one. Apparently it's twice as big. Let's go! 89 00:05:48,278 --> 00:05:52,556 - He said it's the one at the end. - There it is! Look! It's HUGE! 90 00:05:52,638 --> 00:05:54,515 Calm down. We're here, Father. 91 00:05:54,598 --> 00:05:55,951 (Jack) Feck off. 92 00:05:56,038 --> 00:05:59,917 I think it's the best caravan in the whole world. 93 00:05:59,998 --> 00:06:01,431 Dougal? 94 00:06:01,518 --> 00:06:05,557 Where's the trailer with all the stuff in it? 95 00:06:09,358 --> 00:06:12,748 Next you'll tell me you didn't lock the front door! 96 00:06:14,078 --> 00:06:16,353 Ah, Ted, come on... 97 00:06:16,438 --> 00:06:17,712 Drink! 98 00:06:17,798 --> 00:06:19,948 In a minute, Father, I promise you. 99 00:06:20,038 --> 00:06:23,474 This is great, isn't it, Ted? Telly and all. 100 00:06:23,558 --> 00:06:25,628 This is what it's all about. 101 00:06:25,718 --> 00:06:28,471 (Woman ) Wait a second! You've got to do my back! 102 00:06:28,558 --> 00:06:32,597 (Man ) I'm wrinklin' like a raisin in there. I'll be back in a sec. 103 00:06:49,598 --> 00:06:51,395 Father Ted Crilly, 104 00:06:51,478 --> 00:06:56,598 Craggy Island Parochial House, Craggy Island. 105 00:06:56,678 --> 00:06:59,829 That's C-R-A-G-G-Y Island. 106 00:07:00,918 --> 00:07:04,069 Honestly, Officer, I can't apologise enough... 107 00:07:04,158 --> 00:07:06,626 God, that was so embarrassing! 108 00:07:06,718 --> 00:07:09,357 Ted, if that's not our one, which one is? 109 00:07:10,878 --> 00:07:12,550 (Door creaks) 110 00:07:17,958 --> 00:07:21,587 Sure, this is great. And it is bigger than last year's one. 111 00:07:24,078 --> 00:07:26,034 What'll we do first, Ted? 112 00:07:26,838 --> 00:07:29,113 We'll take it easy for a while, 113 00:07:29,198 --> 00:07:31,917 just get settled into the old caravan. 114 00:07:35,478 --> 00:07:38,038 Right, that's enough of that. 115 00:07:38,118 --> 00:07:39,392 Where'll we go? 116 00:07:39,478 --> 00:07:41,548 Here's a booklet, Ted. 117 00:07:41,638 --> 00:07:43,594 Places of interest. 118 00:07:44,278 --> 00:07:48,112 St kevin's Stump... Mmm, that sounds good. 119 00:07:48,198 --> 00:07:50,268 The Magic Road! Oh-ho! 120 00:07:51,998 --> 00:07:54,512 Two places of interest. 121 00:07:54,598 --> 00:07:56,156 What's the Magic Road, Ted? 122 00:07:56,238 --> 00:07:59,787 A bizarre natural wonder where everything's gone haywire 123 00:07:59,878 --> 00:08:01,789 and nothing works like it should. 124 00:08:01,878 --> 00:08:05,234 A bit like you, Dougal. Except it's a road. 125 00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,390 I still don't understand. It's a kind of a mad road? 126 00:08:08,478 --> 00:08:10,434 It's called a strange phenomenon. 127 00:08:10,518 --> 00:08:13,749 If you took off a car's hand-brake, it'd roll UP-hill. 128 00:08:13,838 --> 00:08:15,157 And water flows UP it. 129 00:08:15,238 --> 00:08:19,197 That's as mad as what you told me about the loaves and fishes! 130 00:08:19,278 --> 00:08:22,031 No, Dougal. That's not mad. 131 00:08:22,118 --> 00:08:24,996 That's when our Lord got one or two bits of food 132 00:08:25,078 --> 00:08:28,036 and turned it into a whole pile of food for dinner. 133 00:08:28,118 --> 00:08:30,678 God, He was fantastic, wasn't He? 134 00:08:30,758 --> 00:08:32,953 Ah, He was brilliant. 135 00:08:34,118 --> 00:08:37,076 - Father, have any preferences? - HOLIDAY! 136 00:08:37,158 --> 00:08:40,195 Yes, we're on holiday. Would you like to go anywhere? 137 00:08:40,278 --> 00:08:43,350 - WHAT? - Would you like to go somewhere? 138 00:08:43,438 --> 00:08:45,633 WHO ARE YOU? 139 00:08:45,718 --> 00:08:50,155 I was asking, would you like to go somewhere now that we're here? 140 00:08:50,238 --> 00:08:53,150 - Perhaps for a lovely walk? - I LIkE CAkE! 141 00:08:53,238 --> 00:08:57,595 Yes, I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now. 142 00:08:57,678 --> 00:09:00,988 Where am I? What's that thing there? 143 00:09:01,078 --> 00:09:03,034 Are those my feet? 144 00:09:04,278 --> 00:09:07,429 Let's get him to sleep and head off ourselves. 145 00:09:07,518 --> 00:09:09,986 Ok, Father...into your box. 146 00:09:10,078 --> 00:09:13,991 Drink! Arse! Girls! 147 00:09:14,078 --> 00:09:15,716 Dri... (Snoring) 148 00:09:16,598 --> 00:09:20,830 Let's go and look for the Magic Road. The holiday starts here! 149 00:09:26,998 --> 00:09:29,193 Come on, let's play Scrabble. 150 00:09:29,278 --> 00:09:31,951 Did you bring the travel Scrabble? 151 00:09:32,038 --> 00:09:35,792 I brought the normal Scrabble AND the travel Scrabble. 152 00:09:35,878 --> 00:09:39,757 Travel Scrabble for travelling and the normal for when we arrived. 153 00:09:39,838 --> 00:09:41,317 Good man. 154 00:09:41,398 --> 00:09:46,267 Ah, no, now that I think of it, I didn't bring either of them. 155 00:09:46,358 --> 00:09:49,316 - Right. - God, I'm an awful eejit. 156 00:09:50,558 --> 00:09:53,914 So...what do we do for the next two weeks? 157 00:09:53,998 --> 00:09:55,954 Will I put on the kettle? 158 00:09:56,038 --> 00:09:57,710 Yeah, go on. 159 00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,789 (kettle hums) 160 00:10:02,158 --> 00:10:05,673 Must be one of the ones that clicks off automatically. 161 00:10:05,758 --> 00:10:06,907 Yes... 162 00:10:07,998 --> 00:10:09,989 Bit of steam there. 163 00:10:11,038 --> 00:10:13,791 Incidentally, did you bring any teabags? 164 00:10:13,878 --> 00:10:15,436 No. 165 00:10:16,318 --> 00:10:17,592 Right! 166 00:10:21,158 --> 00:10:22,910 (kettle clicks off) 167 00:10:22,998 --> 00:10:25,148 kettle's boiled there, Ted. 168 00:10:25,238 --> 00:10:26,307 Hmm, yeah. 169 00:10:26,398 --> 00:10:29,595 Will I put more water in and turn it on again? 170 00:10:31,078 --> 00:10:33,956 No, I liked it best the first time. 171 00:10:35,878 --> 00:10:40,030 Maybe we could turn it on with no water at all, see what happens. 172 00:10:40,118 --> 00:10:43,269 I don't think you should do that. It would just blow up. 173 00:10:43,358 --> 00:10:47,397 You'd be picking lumps of metal out of your face for a year. 174 00:10:47,478 --> 00:10:50,754 You'd have puffy fish lips bigger than your face. 175 00:10:51,838 --> 00:10:53,237 Like Father Bigley. 176 00:10:53,318 --> 00:10:55,991 Exactly like Father Bigley. 177 00:10:56,078 --> 00:10:58,546 Maybe that's what happened to him. 178 00:11:01,918 --> 00:11:04,386 96...97... 179 00:11:04,478 --> 00:11:07,595 98...99... 180 00:11:07,678 --> 00:11:10,954 100! Coming... 181 00:11:12,398 --> 00:11:14,354 ..ready or not. 182 00:11:18,238 --> 00:11:20,593 - Found you. - Ahh! 183 00:11:20,678 --> 00:11:22,430 It's your go. 184 00:11:24,678 --> 00:11:27,351 One...two... 185 00:11:27,438 --> 00:11:30,908 three...four... 186 00:11:30,998 --> 00:11:32,954 five...six... 187 00:11:35,678 --> 00:11:38,511 Ok, one last time. 188 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:41,396 These are small, 189 00:11:41,478 --> 00:11:44,868 but the ones out there are far away. 190 00:11:51,918 --> 00:11:54,193 Small... 191 00:11:54,278 --> 00:11:56,394 ..far away. 192 00:11:58,198 --> 00:11:59,756 Ah, forget it! 193 00:12:08,278 --> 00:12:11,634 Ted, you know how your eyes sometimes play tricks on you? 194 00:12:14,358 --> 00:12:17,748 - I know! Father Larry Duff! - Ah, Larry! 195 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:21,513 He sometimes comes around this area. He's tremendous fun. 196 00:12:21,598 --> 00:12:24,954 I'll call him on his mobile phone. I got him one for Christmas. 197 00:12:25,038 --> 00:12:27,757 He's always complaining that nobody rings him. 198 00:12:27,838 --> 00:12:30,068 (Humming cheerfully) 199 00:12:31,558 --> 00:12:33,708 (Ringing) 200 00:12:35,398 --> 00:12:36,547 AHHHHHH! 201 00:12:46,038 --> 00:12:47,949 Must have it switched off. 202 00:12:54,758 --> 00:12:57,192 Why's it called St kevin's Stump? 203 00:12:59,398 --> 00:13:01,354 It doesn't say. 204 00:13:04,678 --> 00:13:07,317 So is this what all holidays are like, Ted? 205 00:13:07,398 --> 00:13:09,229 Actually...yeah. 206 00:13:09,318 --> 00:13:11,354 Anyway, we'd better get back to Jack. 207 00:13:11,438 --> 00:13:13,429 He said he'd stay put by the cliffs. 208 00:13:13,518 --> 00:13:15,474 (Snoring) 209 00:13:22,758 --> 00:13:24,635 Drink! 210 00:13:24,718 --> 00:13:28,597 Drink! Drink! Drink! 211 00:13:30,078 --> 00:13:33,195 Can we go over to the rock and back, Ted? 212 00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:35,155 Well... 213 00:13:35,238 --> 00:13:38,753 Come on, Ted, we're on holidays. Live a little. 214 00:13:38,838 --> 00:13:41,147 All right, but then back to Jack. 215 00:13:41,238 --> 00:13:43,069 Drink! Drink! 216 00:13:43,158 --> 00:13:45,718 Dri-i-i-i-i-i...! 217 00:13:46,998 --> 00:13:48,716 (Thud) 218 00:13:50,638 --> 00:13:52,594 Well, here we are. 219 00:13:54,158 --> 00:13:56,149 Will we go over to that fence now? 220 00:13:56,238 --> 00:13:58,798 No, we might just blow up with excitement. 221 00:13:58,878 --> 00:14:01,346 Let's save something for next week. 222 00:14:07,438 --> 00:14:09,394 (Woman moaning) 223 00:14:22,158 --> 00:14:24,467 Father Ted Crilly, 224 00:14:24,558 --> 00:14:27,152 Craggy Island Parochial House... 225 00:14:27,238 --> 00:14:29,798 C-R... Sure, you know all that. 226 00:14:29,878 --> 00:14:33,473 Listen, you know the business of reporting missing persons? 227 00:14:33,558 --> 00:14:34,957 I've heard of it, yes. 228 00:14:35,038 --> 00:14:37,632 Does it cost money to report a missing person? 229 00:14:37,718 --> 00:14:39,470 - No. - Great. 230 00:14:39,558 --> 00:14:42,675 We've lost one of our party - Father Jack Hackett. 231 00:14:42,758 --> 00:14:44,828 God, how would you describe him? 232 00:14:44,918 --> 00:14:47,034 - Mid-fifties... - To mid-eighties. 233 00:14:47,118 --> 00:14:49,109 Tremendous smell of vegetables. 234 00:14:49,198 --> 00:14:51,666 - Angry. Very angry man. - Hates children. 235 00:14:51,758 --> 00:14:53,510 Likes the odd drink. 236 00:14:53,598 --> 00:14:57,591 And don't come up on him from behind, he won't like that at all. 237 00:14:57,678 --> 00:15:01,910 One thing - do you carry those electric stunner gadgets? 238 00:15:01,998 --> 00:15:05,195 - No. Why? - Oh, no reason. 239 00:15:05,278 --> 00:15:07,872 Right, anything else I can do while I'm here? 240 00:15:07,958 --> 00:15:11,075 Want to confess to any unsolved murders or anything? 241 00:15:11,158 --> 00:15:13,991 No, we're fine for the old... unsolved murders. 242 00:15:14,078 --> 00:15:16,797 Some holiday this is turning out to be! 243 00:15:16,878 --> 00:15:20,757 Come on. Now Jack's gone, there'll be more room in the caravan. 244 00:15:20,838 --> 00:15:24,148 # Ebony and ivory 245 00:15:24,238 --> 00:15:27,992 # Live together in perfect harmony 246 00:15:28,078 --> 00:15:31,195 # Side by side on my piano keyboard 247 00:15:31,278 --> 00:15:34,554 # Oh, Lord, why can't we-e-e-e # 248 00:15:34,638 --> 00:15:36,788 - Ted! - Hello, Noel. 249 00:15:36,878 --> 00:15:38,391 What are you doing here? 250 00:15:38,478 --> 00:15:40,912 Well, this is our caravan... 251 00:15:40,998 --> 00:15:44,274 - Father O'Rourke offered it to us! - Yes, so I see. 252 00:15:44,358 --> 00:15:45,916 He must say it to everyone. 253 00:15:45,998 --> 00:15:48,831 Room for two more in the St Luke's Youth Group? 254 00:15:48,918 --> 00:15:50,431 - (Groan ) - Motion passed! 255 00:15:50,518 --> 00:15:53,954 Sit down and we'll have a song. Will you sing one, Ted? 256 00:15:54,038 --> 00:15:55,630 No, I won't, thanks... 257 00:15:55,718 --> 00:15:58,949 You've a lovely voice! Very like Celine Dion! 258 00:16:01,118 --> 00:16:04,474 We can dance, then! Tony, stick on the Riverdance album! 259 00:16:04,558 --> 00:16:08,995 Actually... Actually, Noel, I'm quite tired. 260 00:16:09,078 --> 00:16:13,754 What? Actually, we're all a bit exhausted from the old singing. 261 00:16:13,838 --> 00:16:17,797 Some of us overdid it down the old local last night! 262 00:16:17,878 --> 00:16:20,950 Gerry Fields knows who I'm talking about! 263 00:16:21,038 --> 00:16:22,517 Huh, what, eh? 264 00:16:22,598 --> 00:16:24,395 Yeah. 265 00:16:24,478 --> 00:16:28,949 We arrived back at... God! it must have been half ten! 266 00:16:29,038 --> 00:16:31,552 And some of us crawled in! 267 00:16:31,638 --> 00:16:34,152 Janine Reilly knows what I'm talking about! 268 00:16:34,238 --> 00:16:36,115 - Don't you?! - Yeah... 269 00:16:36,198 --> 00:16:38,393 And she wasn't the only one! 270 00:16:38,478 --> 00:16:39,706 Tony Lynch! 271 00:16:39,798 --> 00:16:43,871 TONY LYNCH! He knows! Look at him, all sweetness and light! 272 00:16:43,958 --> 00:16:48,474 He wasn't when he crawled into bed at ten past eleven! 273 00:16:48,558 --> 00:16:52,153 Hello. Father Noel Furlong. You're a fine young fella. 274 00:16:52,238 --> 00:16:55,514 What age would you say I am? Guess. What age would you say? 275 00:16:55,598 --> 00:16:57,509 He knows. Don't tell him! 276 00:16:57,598 --> 00:16:59,828 Go on, guess. What would you say? 277 00:16:59,918 --> 00:17:01,874 40. 278 00:17:02,958 --> 00:17:06,792 Ted, haven't seen you in ages. How are you? 279 00:17:06,878 --> 00:17:09,233 # I SAW THE WHOLE OF THE MOON 280 00:17:09,318 --> 00:17:12,230 # There at the turnstiles with the wind at your heels 281 00:17:12,318 --> 00:17:16,277 # You stretched for the stars and you know how it feels 282 00:17:16,358 --> 00:17:17,837 # Too high 283 00:17:17,918 --> 00:17:19,556 # Too far 284 00:17:19,638 --> 00:17:24,507 # Too soon, you saw the whole of the moon # 285 00:17:25,998 --> 00:17:29,229 # Dirty old town 286 00:17:29,318 --> 00:17:31,832 # Dirty old to-o-own! # 287 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:34,148 Oh, God, Ted, they have me worn out! 288 00:17:34,238 --> 00:17:36,354 They're a mad crowd! 289 00:17:36,438 --> 00:17:37,553 What time is it? 290 00:17:37,638 --> 00:17:40,550 Half ten! know what? 291 00:17:40,638 --> 00:17:42,117 We should all go to bed. 292 00:17:42,198 --> 00:17:45,873 Where's Tony Lynch off to? Probably to get some heroin! 293 00:17:45,958 --> 00:17:48,472 No, I'm just going to the toilet, Father. 294 00:17:48,558 --> 00:17:53,074 Anyone else need to go? Ted, Dougal, are you Ok? 295 00:17:53,158 --> 00:17:54,716 We're grand, thanks, Noel. 296 00:17:54,798 --> 00:17:57,153 Sure you don't need a little tinkle? 297 00:17:57,238 --> 00:17:59,752 I'm fine, thanks. I'll go again. 298 00:17:59,838 --> 00:18:02,671 Don't keep it in, your bladder could go mental. 299 00:18:02,758 --> 00:18:05,795 - Yes... - My friend Father Sweeney, 300 00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:09,632 he had a bladder about the size of a Terry's Chocolate Orange... 301 00:18:09,718 --> 00:18:11,197 NOEL! 302 00:18:11,278 --> 00:18:16,398 I REALLY... I'm fine. Ok? I'm fine. 303 00:18:17,998 --> 00:18:20,353 You're like a bunch of camels! 304 00:18:20,438 --> 00:18:23,475 Anyway, we'll get the sleeping bags out. 305 00:18:23,558 --> 00:18:25,514 Will it not be a bit cramped? 306 00:18:25,598 --> 00:18:28,829 Not at all. The more the merrier! 307 00:18:32,478 --> 00:18:36,596 (Noel) St Colum's had a great football team in the mid-'50s. 308 00:18:36,678 --> 00:18:39,431 They won the Father Fitzgibbon Cup. 309 00:18:39,518 --> 00:18:43,557 Father Fitzgibbon. The thing about him was he LOOkED like a cup! 310 00:18:43,638 --> 00:18:47,028 Great big ears like handles! 311 00:18:47,118 --> 00:18:48,995 Do you remember him, Ted? 312 00:18:49,078 --> 00:18:51,114 Ted? Do you remember? 313 00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,871 YES! I remember him, Noel. 314 00:18:53,958 --> 00:18:57,997 Oooohh! Who's a bit of a Moaning Michael tonight? 315 00:18:59,198 --> 00:19:02,554 God Almighty, it's nearly six o'clock in the morning! 316 00:19:03,798 --> 00:19:07,188 I think what we should all do now is... 317 00:19:07,278 --> 00:19:09,234 TELL A FEW GHOST STORIES! 318 00:19:10,478 --> 00:19:12,594 - Ted? - Yes? 319 00:19:12,678 --> 00:19:13,747 I'm going mad. 320 00:19:13,838 --> 00:19:17,387 Yes, let's get out of here, let's go home. 321 00:19:17,478 --> 00:19:19,196 (Noel) Whoooo! 322 00:19:20,718 --> 00:19:22,834 Who's that now? 323 00:19:22,918 --> 00:19:25,830 Is that Gerry Fields heading off to the disco? 324 00:19:25,918 --> 00:19:28,307 We're just heading out for some fresh air. 325 00:19:28,398 --> 00:19:30,912 Don't forget to bring us back some! 326 00:19:30,998 --> 00:19:33,558 Right so...you big feckin' eejit! 327 00:19:38,238 --> 00:19:40,354 What about Jack? 328 00:19:40,438 --> 00:19:44,829 Chances are he's on Craggy Island. He has an amazing homing instinct. 329 00:19:44,918 --> 00:19:47,148 We'll find him with a smile on his face 330 00:19:47,238 --> 00:19:49,877 and his arms outstretched to welcome us back. 331 00:19:49,958 --> 00:19:51,357 What? 332 00:19:51,438 --> 00:19:54,077 Well, maybe not the smile on his face... 333 00:19:55,718 --> 00:19:57,674 or the outstretched arms... 334 00:19:57,758 --> 00:20:01,114 or the welcome back, but he's probably there. 335 00:20:01,758 --> 00:20:03,988 Oh, God, your man! Don't let him see us! 336 00:20:21,198 --> 00:20:23,792 Gerry! Gerry! 337 00:20:23,878 --> 00:20:25,311 Gerry! 338 00:20:26,718 --> 00:20:29,869 - Open! Please open! - He's a fair bit away yet. 339 00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:34,910 Might be worth speeding up there a bit, Ted. 340 00:20:38,758 --> 00:20:40,635 Sorry about that. 341 00:20:40,718 --> 00:20:42,117 Bloody perverts! 342 00:20:50,358 --> 00:20:53,873 He's probably very cold now his towel's blown away. 343 00:20:56,758 --> 00:20:59,192 (Dougal) Maybe we should let him off. 344 00:20:59,278 --> 00:21:03,510 I've been thinking about it, but I'm sure he'll start giving out to us. 345 00:21:03,598 --> 00:21:06,670 - Pretend we didn't see him. - I doubt he'd believe us. 346 00:21:06,758 --> 00:21:11,707 - We'd better let him off, Ted. - Oh, all right. I suppose so. 347 00:21:16,278 --> 00:21:18,746 - Get out of the car! - Hello again. 348 00:21:18,838 --> 00:21:21,557 Get out of the car. Right! 349 00:21:22,958 --> 00:21:24,914 I think he's calming down a bit. 350 00:21:24,998 --> 00:21:28,513 - (Breaking glass) - Ah, now! Now...! 351 00:21:28,598 --> 00:21:33,831 Come on! There's absolutely no need for that type of nonsense! 352 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:35,909 He's puncturing the tyres, Ted. 353 00:21:38,758 --> 00:21:41,989 You're impressing nobody with that type of thing! 354 00:21:50,998 --> 00:21:53,796 God, Ted, I'm so tired. Maybe we should go back. 355 00:21:53,878 --> 00:21:56,836 Oh, no! I'm not going anywhere near Noel Furlong again. 356 00:21:56,918 --> 00:21:58,636 God knows what they're up to by now! 357 00:21:58,718 --> 00:22:00,674 (Irish jig) 358 00:22:22,078 --> 00:22:23,909 (Horn ) 359 00:22:24,998 --> 00:22:27,671 Ted, it's a big truck! It can give us a lift! 360 00:22:27,758 --> 00:22:29,908 Oh, thank God! 361 00:22:31,638 --> 00:22:33,356 Hello, Fathers. 362 00:22:33,438 --> 00:22:36,555 Tom, thank God, Tom! We need a lift. 363 00:22:36,638 --> 00:22:39,072 Fair enough, Fathers. I'll open the door. 364 00:22:45,398 --> 00:22:47,434 (Rumbling and whooshing) 365 00:23:03,038 --> 00:23:05,188 Sorry about that, Fathers. 366 00:23:16,598 --> 00:23:17,792 (Mumbling) 367 00:23:17,878 --> 00:23:19,436 Father, you're awake! 368 00:23:19,518 --> 00:23:22,794 Thank God! It took us ages to pull you on board. 369 00:23:22,878 --> 00:23:24,106 (Muttering) 370 00:23:24,198 --> 00:23:26,871 Will you have something to drink? 371 00:23:31,958 --> 00:23:36,236 96...97...98...99...100. 372 00:23:36,318 --> 00:23:38,115 Coming now, ready or not. 27682

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