Original subtitles

Excellent work.

This year's royal feast will be the talk of all Europe.

I wouldn't be surprised if that wind-sucker,

the King of Spain himself...

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

-[WHIMPERING] -Oh, come on.

Seriously?

What's rule number one, people?

The year is 1398. There are no cell phones.

-[SHAKILY] Oh, come on. -Francis,

fire this careless "time traveler" and find me another spoon boy!

Right away, Your Majesty.

What are we, the East Farmville Renaissance Faire?

No, we are the West Farmville Renaissance Faire

and we have standards.

It's all about authenticity.

For instance, that new court jester's costume is very inaccurate.

I... Sir, we haven't hired the jester yet.

[SINISTER LAUGHING]

[SINGSONG] Make your plans, decorate this room.

All you do is gild your tomb.

At this feast under pale full moon,

you shall meet untimely doom!

[GASPS] Ahhh...

-[AIR WHOOSHING] -[SINISTER LAUGH]

JESTER: Soon. Soon!

[SINISTER LAUGH CONTINUES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

SCOOBY-DOO: Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

VELMA: I'm so excited you guys are finally visiting my Renaissance fair.

[HUMMING]

Like, so that's why we're dressed like this.

It's all coming together.

No offense, Velma,

but it seems weird that you have a Renaissance fair

and that you're excited about it.

Well, it's not technically mine.

I first came here as a little girl

and pointed out some historical inaccuracies

which impressed the owner, King Avery.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

[RUBBER SQUEAKING]

Mmm-mmm.

He's a fellow history buff and hired me as a consultant.

I'm proud of this place.

It's the most historically authentic Middle Ages experience

you can have without contracting bubonic plague.

Well, it sounds like fun to me.

It's been months since I slew a mythical creature.

I think I'll go with a classy fire-breathing dragon this time.

Well, um...

Like, Scoob and I are goin' right to the medieval food tent.

Suckling pigs, suckling giant turkey legs,

suckling hard-boiled eggs in saffron and cloves.

[SLURPING] They suckled everything then.

-Actually... -Ooh.

How are the lines for riding unicorns, typically?

Pretty long, huh?

[SIGHS]

-[PIGS SNORTING] -[GEESE HONKING]

Ugh, it smells like bad goat.

[EXHALES DEEPLY] Authenticity.

Like, what time's the actual Renaissance begin?

It seems to be running a little late.

[SLURPS] Still the Dark Ages.

Man, my lips are chapped.

What do they have, arid bleakness delivered here daily?

[GASPS]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa! -Hey.

Daphne, no lip balm.

That hasn't been invented yet.

Really?

Beeswax, peppermint oil, vegetable fat...

Boom. Lip balm.

I just invented it.

But you didn't invent lip balm.

That's not historically accurate.

Neither is that guy digging that hole,

or Scooby scratching his ear, or that rat running up Fred's leg.

-[RAT SQUEAKING] -[FRED SHRIEKING]

Isn't it possible that some peasant girl did invent lip balm,

but that fact got lost to history?

-No! -[FRED YELPING]

Maybe... I don't... Look, just knock it off.

I got us an invitation to see King Avery

and he takes this accuracy stuff

even more seriously than I do.

Well, as seriously.

Lord Harvey,

put down your strange shiny talking pebble and listen.

We must cancel the feast!

Yeah, he's doing the baffled past-man routine again.

-I gotta go. -[CELL PHONE BEEPS]

Look, Avey, baby, the investors and I don't wanna

hear about jester ghosts.

This feast is our big money-maker.

No feast, no fair, got it?

[CHOMPING] That's not bad. What is it?

Minced rabbit loin.

[RETCHES]

[SPITS] I'm eating bunny?

How could you just stand there and not say,

"Harvey, you're about to put bunny in your mouth"?

Well, historically...

Of course, always with the authenticity!

Friends don't let friends eat bunny.

Uh, Your Majesty, is everything okay?

Lady Velma! Unfortunately, no.

A ghostly court jester fiend threatens our banquet.

[BOTH GASPING]

If that monster frightens away the banquet guests,

I'm afraid the fair cannot survive the loss of revenue.

Sounds like ye old mystery.

The gang and I can help you, King Avery.

I can't have just anyone running willy-nilly in the royal castle.

It will ruin the authentic experience

for the other guests who pay a fortune to be here.

But we can't allow our fair to be destroyed.

My friends are not without skill, my lord.

Surely there is something they can do in the castle?

Well, we are still in need of a non-monstrous court jester.

Do you have any experience?

Uh... Yes.

In fact, I'm planning on majoring in jestering.

Hmm... You have the position!

-You two! -BOTH: Hmm?

You may be the royal food-tasters.

-BOTH: [GASP] -Awesome!

A king has many enemies like this demonic jester.

These assassins would put deadly poisons in my food.

The royal food-tasters try the food first

and if they don't crumble to the floor

convulsing and screaming in torturous pain,

then we know the food is safe for all to enjoy.

And as for a young maiden like yourself,

you shouldn't be breaking your back toiling outside in the fields.

You should be breaking your back toiling inside,

cleaning my medieval artifacts.

Like, okay, Scoob, keep your eyes peeled for assassins.

Don't I always?

[SPLASH]

You villain! With what toxin have you blighted the King's food?

You were totally blighting.

It's just ginger.

A likely story.

I don't trust ginger.

Like, okay, we'll let you off with a warning this time.

But we got eyes on you, missy.

BOTH: Yikes!

[BOTH GULPING]

You know, Scoob,

maybe we should practice tasting food that isn't poisoned.

That way if we taste some that is poisoned, we can tell the difference.

It's our solemn duty.

Nothing! Official food-taster business.

Suspicious ginger squad.

[SINISTER LAUGH]

BOTH: The Jester Monster!

[GRUNTING]

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

[BUZZING]

Shoo.

[GRUNTING]

Medieval artifacts seem like a good place to start looking for clues. Ow!

Why so many bells on a jester outfit?

[VACUUM WHIRRING]

Daphne!

What are you doing?

What? I invented something to help me clean.

You invented the motorized duster?

Really?

So how does it work?

Uh, the usual. Beeswax, sage... It's complicated.

Historically, a lady like yourself wouldn't understand, would she?

Actually, it's nice to see some new ideas around here.

I'm Francis, the King's advisor.

Have you noticed anything strange around here?

No. The King has made sure there is not one small,

dirty, smelly, backward, uncomfortable, boring, awful detail out of place here.

[INHALES DEEPLY] After all, isn't that what makes this place so much...

[STRAINING]

...fun?

Let me know if you need my assistance.

Yeah, we'll jump right on that, Johnny Giggle-pants.

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

We just ran into, then away from, the evil jester!

He's ha-ha scary.

So he's real. Where does something like that come from?

I think I have the answer to that.

This coin. I recognize it.

It's the only coin ever minted featuring the face of King Todd, the Short-lived.

King Todd celebrated his first day in power with an extravagant banquet

just like the one King Avery is holding tonight.

At that feast, the King's fool, William the Silly,

made the King laugh so hard he ruptured all of his organs.

The jester was accused of being an evil demon,

with a really well-developed sense of humor,

and was immediately executed.

Legend says, to this day, the spirit of William the Silly

seeks revenge on whoever is in possession of this cursed coin.

[SINISTER LAUGH]

How is that funny?

Yeah, too soon, Fred.

That wasn't me.

[SINISTER LAUGH CONTINUES]

[WHIMPERING]

JESTER: Some call me fool, but 'tis plain to see,

true fools are those who think they've escaped me!

[SINISTER LAUGH]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Split up. He can't follow all of us.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

You'd think they'd just stop and laugh

and like, high-five each other when this happens.

That's what I'd do.

[LOW GROWL]

[WINCES]

All right, next! Come on, let's see what you got, kid.

Make with the funny.

A pox upon your filthy heads!

Today you live, but soon you will be...

Boo! Stale! What else you got?

Too political.

Uh, well, mayhaps...

A small fowl cameth upon a road and dared to cross it...

Nay! Me thinks boring.

Thou doth stinketh.

Sorry, kid. You just don't have the chops to be a big city comedian.

Here's your stuff and a bus ticket back home.

You tried, kid. Come back when you worked up some fresh material.

Motley is so 1400s.

Hmm?

Hmm.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

[DOGS BARKING]

[YELLING]

[BOTH WHIMPERING]

Are you two okay?

Like, I think we lost him.

And shattered his dreams.

[BOTH YELPING]

BOTH: Haunted barrel!

[ALL SHRIEKING]

Oh, please don't tell anybody I was here.

I just want my phone back.

King Avery caught me playing Bippy's Medical School Adventure

during an archery tournament and threw my phone in this barrel

with the rest of the "infernal objects" he confiscates.

Wait. Like, kids couldn't even play in the past?

These fantasy figures are not only historically inaccurate,

they're made with materials that didn't even exist back then.

-[WATCH BEEPING] -Uh-oh.

The feast is starting.

Oh, um. Invention!

[SIGHS]

[FANFARE PLAYING]

Welcome everyone

to the most authentic Annual West Farmville Renaissance Faire Royal Feast yet.

Venison from Wales. Forks made by monks.

Tables made from 14th century trees chopped down by axes

with handles made from even older trees.

[APPLAUSE]

And none of the servers have washed in days.

Nice touch.

See? Not a monster in sight. Now, I'm gonna split before any bunny is served.

And now, let the feast begin.

This food is looking fairly poison-y.

Where are my food-tasters?

You better check it out.

[ALL GASPING]

[WHIMPERING]

Ouch!

[ALL GASP]

There's like a small metal thingy in the stew.

I almost cracked a tooth.

ALL: Aw...

MAN: Boo!

Looks like a clue.

This is not a historically accurate ingredient.

The King demands some amusement

to take his mind off the clumsy oaf in the kitchen

who allowed this to happen.

Ah! Right. Hi.

I'm Fred, how's everybody doing?

[MAN COUGHING]

I don't know a lot of jokes...

Oh, oh, I got it, I got it.

Uh, there's a walrus playing a banjo...

I mean, not a walrus, whoops. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

No, I guess that's really more of a riddle.

Oh... Ow!

[LAUGHTER]

Wait, stop! Bells aren't funny. Ow, my eyes!

No, seriously, I think I damaged my cornea.

-[YELPING] -[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Fred the Fool, ladies and gentlemen.

All the village has been talking about a certain peasant girl

and her miraculous inventions. Daphne!

Would you honor the King by showing his court your wondrous devices?

Oh, yeah, love to.

[SOFTLY] Stall until I can find some real entertainment.

Your Highness, here is my motorized duster,

my watch, my flashlight, my dental floss, a couple of parking stubs,

some gum... Watermelon flavored!

And you invented all these?

Oh, yeah, totes.

However, I have a feeling history will fail to record

my remarkable contribution to science.

Wink, wink.

I see. How interesting.

Anybody capable of such incredible creations must certainly be... A witch!

A witch has found her way into our keep!

That's it.

Velma, you have brought to my very important royal feast

a jester who can't jest, a witch and a possible lawsuit resulting from whatever

the food-taster bit into!

This is an outrage. I demand that...

-[SINISTER LAUGH] -[GASPS]

Not me.

Protect the King!

Yow.

JESTER: You flail and fuss and play pretend,

to petty matters you attend.

But still you fail to comprehend...

Today, your reign comes to its end!

Run!

[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CLAMORING]

[TEETH CHATTERING]

Ah!

[GASPS]

[ALL GASPING]

[LAUGHING]

ALL: Phew.

Like, thanks, guys.

-Seize them! -Huh?

[SCOOBY AND SHAGGY GULPING]

That feast was my last chance to save this fair.

And you have destroyed it more thoroughly than any monster ever could.

[WHIMPERING] All that food destroyed.

And like, it wasn't poisoned.

We could have tasted everything.

Did any leftovers survive?

-[GROWLS] -[GROANS]

I can't believe it.

My fair is going to shut down, all because of me.

No, it's our fault.

I was so eager to do something even mildly interesting here that I took a job

I couldn't actually do in order to solve a mystery.

I should have just made the best of this awful place,

instead of improving it with my great fun inventions.

Like, we're sorry, Velma. I know how much this place meant to you.

Just not why.

Don't you see? That's the point of this Renaissance fair.

The past was hard. They didn't have any lip balm,

microwaves or arch-correcting shoe inserts.

Experiencing how human beings lived and survived in difficult times inspires us

and allows us to marvel at mankind's courage, strength and ingenuity.

[GRUNTS]

And also makes us appreciate all we do have even more.

Velma's right. If they could survive without all the things we take for granted,

then we can survive this.

And using our courage, strength and ingenuity

we can solve this mystery and save this fair.

Wait a second. That's it!

Of course!

Guys, I think it's time we get out of this dungeon.

[ALL SIGHING]

Okay, here you go.

I'm ready.

Let's go, Fred.

Hey, Stu, we're heading out.

Try to beat the traffic.

Of course. Yeah, totally get it.

The interstate is a disaster at rush hour.

SCOOBY: See ya, Stu.

Are you sure about this, Velma?

I promise things will go as planned this time.

Good thing Shaggy and Scooby keep a full medieval banquet's worth of food

hidden in the Mystery Machine in case of emergencies.

Hidden? Where?

Is this why our gas mileage is so bad?

[FANFARE PLAYING]

And now, ladies and gentleman of the court.

Welcome to this, our even better,

even more authentic royal feast.

-[AIR WHOOSHING] -[INDISTINCT MURMURING]

[ALL YELPING]

You simpletons fail to learn! You'll never...

Now!

-[CLATTERING] -[CAT SCREECHING]

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[SINISTER LAUGH]

-[HORSES WHINNYING] -Hmm?

[YELPS]

[GROANING]

[CAMERA CLICKS]

I just invented the selfie.

[SIGHS]

Hark, noble knights. Thank you for arriving on your

strange metal steeds with hooves of rubber.

Right. Can we just get this over with? We usually go bowling tonight.

Oh, yeah.

The jester is really...

ALL: Harvey the investor?

But like, doesn't he lose money if the fair goes under?

Exactly!

And Velma, in honor of you and the king, we'd like to recap this mystery

in a historically authentic fashion.

Lutist.

[SINGSONG] I tell a tale of eccentricity.

A king who ordered authenticity.

His investor's plan, make changes drastic.

Add to the fair, knights and beasts fantastic.

SHAGGY: Although great profits were projected,

his plan the lord outright rejected.

We could have made a fortune, Avery.

There were no unicorns in 1398!

FRED: So investor desperate puts on a mask and becomes a monster from the past.

I knew he'd fall for that old curse.

All I wanted was to fatten my purse.

Please allow us to finish first. Thanks.

[SINGSONG] A battery may glow his glaring eye,

until it fell onto blackberry pie.

Ah, these bells keep hitting my eye.

Bells, no bells.

Don't worry, Fred, I'll wrap up this bit.

[SINGSONG] Unseat a lord, this villain almost did.

Blah, blah, blah, you meddling kids.

[APPLAUSE]

That was so authentic.

Indeed.

I appreciate you finally honoring the integrity of our fair.

[CELL PHONE PLAYING HIP HOP MUSIC]

Whoops, sorry, gotta take this.

Gaby, sorry for not answering your snap pic.

You'll never believe what happened today.

Wait, let's do a video chat.