Original subtitles

♪

- Just go! Go! Shit!

- Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Come on, come on. Sarah, come on.

- This way, this way! - What do we--

Help us! - Witch lover!

- Fuck.

- No, no, no. No, wait.

♪

- Welcome to Moldova--

an affordable gem nestled in the heart of Eastern Europe,

where the old meets new in surprising ways.

Meet Becky Westlake, a successful artist and potter.

After ten years in the hectic Los Angeles craft scene,

she'’s looking for some old-world inspiration.

- Running the gallery has been great,

but I think it'’s time for a change.

I want to slow down, focus on my life,

my relationship.

- My name is Goran Potsnik.

I think people know who I am, but okay.

Professional soccer player.

What else do you want to know?

Goran was cute, athlete, very different,

but, um, actually I think that'’s what turned out

to be the nice part-- we'’re very different.

- Well, we met in, uh-- in Lisbon in, um--

in a bar, and here we are.

- A healthy relationship.

- Becky wants a house where she can set up her pottery studio,

with enough room left over to raise a family.

To find a bargain, Becky has enlisted the help

of local real-estate broker Vladimir Filat.

- Moldova has very complicated laws for taxes,

land titles, religious zoning,

and gypsy prohibitions.

Not to worry.

Vladimir is best broker in Moldova.

- And as Vladimir says,

"Only broker in Moldova is best broker in Moldova."

- Moldova'’s beautiful.

It'’s, um, got a sense of history.

And I want to be a part of that.

- To find a house on Becky'’s limited budget,

Vladimir directs them to the remote farming hamlet

of Pavlovka.

She'’d be trading a modern city of 8 million people

for a rustic village of 200--

so rustic that the local legend contends

that there was once a witch-burning here.

But the people are much friendlier now.

♪

A few miles outside of town

is a cottage home right out of "Hansel and Gretel."

Becky may like old-world charm,

but does she really know the difference

between rustic and a wreck?

- No one has lived here for a long time.

It'’s very remote, very cheap--

many opportunities for improvement.

- Well, for the right price, I don'’t mind doing the work.

- Really?

You can'’t handle this much work.

This must be the worst house

in Moldova.

Nobody can fix this.

Come.

♪

Bedroom. - Small.

I guess families were closer back in the day.

♪

- How about some drinks?

- The interior needs some work,

but the bones of this old house are strong.

Voilà.

- Oh, this is seriously feral.

- I see media room.

- What is this-- an outhouse?

- It is a bread oven-- very traditional.

- Oh, God.

I could turn this into a kiln for my pottery.

- Yes. This is what I thought as well.

This is good for spanking, no?

What was that?

- It'’s, uh, in Moldova, good luck.

- And there'’s one last surprise under the master bedroom--

a cellar with hidden potential.

- This used to be wine cellar originally,

but I thought maybe you want to use as pottery studio.

- Oh, my. I could entertain down here.

What is this?

- It'’s a pit for, uh, stomping grapes, for making wine.

- Hot tub. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

- Is that--what is that, a painting?

- Perhaps, uh, artist lived here before,

much like yourself.

- I like it.

I like it all.

- You'’re serious?

- Becky'’s clearly taken on a big challenge,

but this artist promises renovation magic.

After the break, we return to Pavlovka

six months later to see the transformation.

- What? No.

She actually bought that place?

This house is a literal nightmare.

What could she have possibly done with it in six months?

- That'’s what we'’re here to find out.

- I bet you any money she hasn'’t done a goddamn thing.

It happens-- it happens all the time.

Fuck off!

There was this chick in Portugal, this blonde.

We went back six months later.

You know, she bought one of these wrecks.

We go back there, and she has literally not

fixed up one single thing. - No way.

- It was a complete disaster. - She had not changed one thing

about the place in six months. - It was horrible.

- So that made for a really spectacular episode reveal,

I can tell you.

That being said, very nice, uh, bikini pics on Facebook.

- What? - Very nice.

- Wait. Are you Facebook friends with the buyers?

- Uh, it sometimes happens. Sometimes happens.

Only the chicks, however.

- How long does it usually take for them to unfriend you?

- Yeah, that'’s a very good question.

Uh, how about you unfriend this, dick?

- Whatever.

- Alex, this is a $40,000 camera, man, come on.

- Oh, my God. I'’m sure it'’s fine.

- I swear to God, it was like searing daggers

come shooting out of her eyes.

- What? Kate seemed nice.

- She seemed nice? - Yes.

- Have you actually met this woman?

- Yes. My Uncle Wallace introduced me

to her, like, three years ago.

- Right, okay. See, this is fascinating.

Uh, speaking of nepotism, actually,

and on behalf of those who actually earned their jobs...

- Alex, you know what? Back off. Not cool, man.

- What we we were wondering was, out of curiosity,

what does starting salary for the boss'’s niece'’s family--

- Alex. - What? Dude, be cool, please.

All right? Don'’t go special forces on me.

We'’re not in Afghanistan, man.

- Afghanistan?

Greg, did you fight in Afghanistan?

- Uh, no, the only thing that man shot

in Afghanistan was the news.

What?

Yeah, okay.

I'’m going on a Doina run.

- What was that about? - Nothing.

I just, uh--I was an embedded cameraman in Afghanistan.

It'’s boring. I just don'’t want to talk about it.

Look at this. Unbelievable.

- Oh, my gosh. - What?

- Okay, it'’s fine. There'’s a big bug.

It'’s kind of cute. It'’s fine.

This seat is dramatically unsafe.

- Right. Where'’s, like, Ralph Nader when you need him?

- Who? - They'’re sold out of Doina.

What kind of hick, backwater gas station sells out of Doina?

What is the point of a gas station

if it does not have Doina is what I want to know.

- How long is it gonna take us to get to Pavlovka?

- You in a hurry or something?

- Yeah, doesn'’t everybody dream of being a production slave?

- I swear to God, Kate is going to slap that smile

off your face so fast, you have no idea.

- Oh, God. How much you want to bet--

$20 she'’s already pissed that we'’re late.

- She'’s not gonna be pissed at us.

She took an earlier flight.

She can'’t be mad at us for that. - Oh, yeah.

You keep telling yourself that

while you'’re crying yourself to sleep at night.

Hold on, guys. World'’s biggest pothole.

- Careful, man. She'’s sleeping.

- Be ca-- Oh, I'’m sorry. I'’m sorry.

Is the princess sleeping?

Then I'’ll just-- I'’ll just make sure

there'’s no more potholes in the roads.

Beautiful Moldova.

The poorest country in all of Europe.

The average Moldovian believes in vampires,

lives in a tin shed, apparently,

and has an average of four teeth.

- You are mean.

- Moldovinites don'’t just enjoy

record-setting rates of tuberculosis.

They'’re also the world'’s heaviest drinkers,

pounding back more than 8 gallons of alcohol per year.

That'’s six times the world'’s average.

♪ Just driving through a shitty town ♪

♪ In a shitty van

You can get in on this if you want.

- Uh, what is the Pavlovka National Anthem?

Do we have one?

- That is the Pavlovka National Anthem.

I was just singing it. - ♪ Everything is brown

♪ In Pavlovka

- Oh, my God, Greg, look, it'’s your mom.

You'’re a fucking asshole.

- Would it be--would it be awkward if I hit on your mom?

Here'’s the local Stalin impersonator.

- This is, like, the longest drive ever.

- I don'’t even know what to do about this.

I mean, who has the right of way here--me or the horse?

Welcome to the Pavlovka Ritz.

- This is it?

- Get someone over here

and take care of the fucking cockroach in my room.

- Hey, come on, let'’s do this, man.

- This is gonna be fun. - Are you telling him?

- Yes, yes, yes. - Good.

- He says, "Step on it yourself."

- Step on it? Step on it?

It'’s bigger than my fucking foot.

- Kate?

- Maintenance man will not be here for hour.

- Jesus Christ, where the fuck have you guys been?

- All right, before you freak out, three-hour delay in Berlin.

- Kate, you'’ve met Wallace'’s niece.

- No, it says that you'’re on time

right here on the Website.

- Yeah, and the flight was great.

Thanks for asking, Kate. - Oh, fuck.

The fucking Internet here is fucking retarded.

- Kate, Kate, Kate. - Fuck!

- Relax. It'’s Pavlovka.

The cell phone service is, uh, not so good.

And who is this wonderful woman here?

I have not met you.

- Oh, no. Hi. My name'’s Sarah.

- I am Vladimir. It'’s a pleasure.

- Nice to meet you, Vladimir.

- I, uh, have a little, uh, gift for you.

Pick a card, any card.

It'’s your lucky day.

It'’s Vladimir.

Everybody knows me

because I make your dream house appear like magic.

- Jesus Christ, whatever. - Ah, thank you.

- Just check them in. - Fancy.

- Okay. Here, take a card.

- Why are you standing around, dummies?

Go unpack the van.

- Achtung, achtung.

Unpack ze van, schwein. Do it.

- Why are you still filming? - Ah, memory cards are cheap.

I don'’t want to miss a shot.

- Oh... my... God.

- All right, it breaks down like this.

Greg is camera one.

When sound is not a priority, I am camera two.

Your job is primarily

to fetch us batteries, memory cards, stuff like that.

- Keep our walkies refreshed. - Et cetera, et cetera.

- Um, when do I get to shoot something?

- Do you know how to use a camera?

- Yes, I took a lot of film classes in college.

- Oh. Oh, my God. Greg, she--she took film classes in college.

I'’m--I'’m--I'’m so sorry.

I didn'’t know we had an expert on the crew, so...

When you'’re not being our fetch monkey,

you can be camera three.

You drop this thing, it is $1,500 out of your paycheck.

- Okay. - Okay, it'’s 2K, waterproof...

Even shoots night vision.

- Night vision? - Yeah.

- For "Home Hunters Global?"

Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

- What does that mean?

- Yeah, what does that mean, Alex?

- It means, you know, in case somebody

wants to hook up with the buyers.

Yeah, '’cause--

They'’re definitely not going to want to be able

to see them when he'’s hooking up with them.

- Oh. Oh, see? He'’s very mean.

You thought he was so nice, but he'’s so mean.

And this is why I love him, '’cause he'’s a meanie.

- He loves my inner asshole. - So much.

This is called a boom pole.

It'’s not to be taken internally, if you catch my drift.

- Oh, so you guys haven'’t heard of sexual harassment, then, huh?

What happens in Moldova

stay in Moldova.

- Small cameras, um, very versatile--

we use these for window mounts, car mounts,

um, chest mounts, if you are so inclined.

- Chest mounts? For hooking up with the buyers?

- No, for hooking up with the crew members.

- No, this is actually for maybe, theoretically,

recording Kate when she'’s screaming at you,

and hopefully we can get her fired.

- Let'’s see if we can figure this out.

- Are we gonna put it on?

- Yeah, just kind of hold it over here.

- Okay. Can you see that?

- No, I think it'’s great. - Mm-hmm.

- All right, let'’s get kitted up, all right?

We need to, uh, get some B-roll

of donkeys, cobblestone, that sort of thing.

- You know how Kate loves donkeys.

- Yeah. - Donkeys, really?

- What? I don'’t mean, you know, real donkeys.

I mean, you know, men who are hung like real donkeys.

- Yep, I got it.

- That'’s good. Just relax. Let the camera be your eyes.

- I'’ve done this before. - Mm-hmm, yeah.

And she'’s got the student loans to prove it.

- Oh, boy, look at this one.

- Ah, now, you see that really sexy,

healthy-looking American couple in the window?

- Yes. - Yeah? Don'’t.

That goes for all crew, all right?

Especially Kate.

If Kate sees herself in a fucking shot,

she'’ll slit your throat.

That goes for car windshields, mirrors,

I don'’t know, wishing wells-- it doesn'’t matter.

- Okay. - Nothing ruins the illusion

of television like catching the man behind the curtain.

- Or woman. - Or--Yeah, whatever.

- We'’re done with this, right?

Can I just-- I can just get rid of it.

- Oh, I feel like these houses are looking at me.

- All right, pan down to me.

Come on, Film School, that'’s way too fast.

Anything quicker than an optic foot per second,

people at home are gonna start throwing up.

Nice and slow, nice and steady.

Nice and...

Friendly.

Come closer, come closer, come closer, come closer.

- Okay, now it'’s just awkward.

Somebody had onions for lunch, obviously.

- Back off, back off.

- Okay. - That'’s it.

All right.

Now follow. Here we go.

- I got it.

- Follow, follow, follow. - I got it. I'’m following.

And stop!

- Sorry, sir. - I think she'’s a pro.

- No, man, no. She went to film school.

And God said, "Let there be Doina."

Doina.

♪ Doina, I'’ll give you Doina ♪

♪ Baby, you want Doina?

♪ Give you some Doina, babe

♪ What you got there, baby?

♪ I got some Doina, baby

- This is not one single Starbucks in this entire town.

How do they live without caffeine?

- This is important.

- Kate is going to be so mad at us.

- No, you have to be in the middle.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

And two and back, back,

kick, shuffle, shuffle.

- Doina! - Doina!

Is mine upside down? It is. Shit.

Doina!

Oh, shit.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of Moldova.

Your Excellency? No?

"Yeah, so, like, this is pretty much

"how we filmed the Blackhawks in Afghanistan.

It'’s pretty fucked-up shit."

"Greg, you know, you should just maybe just--

"just bend me over now and fuck me.

Fu--Yeah, just fuck me like you fucked the Taliban."

Dude, you'’re in the shot, man.

Ah, you are selling weed.

What a coincidence because I am buying weed.

Guys? - Yeah?

- I'’m going to, um,

I'’m gonna go shoot some stuff in the market.

- Okay. - Okay.

Eat a dick.

- Did you get me in the shot? - Oh, sorry.

- Listen, let'’s, uh...

This is great.

This is local color. Come on, let'’s go.

Greg, look, it'’s your mom.

Let'’s just keep walking.

Without the cameras?

- We can'’t have cameras. Okay, that'’s no problem.

We'’ll just, uh-- we'’ll drop them off.

That'’s fine. That'’s okay. Yeah.

Sarah?

Sarah?

It'’s fine. Let'’s just, uh-- let'’s just turn this off, okay?

- Are you sure this is a good idea?

- Yeah. This is the sort of thing Kate wants.

Okay, that'’s--that'’s fine. It'’s off, okay?

Thank you.

♪

- This place is so cool.

- Yeah, look at those--

Look at the fresco on the wall over there.

- Are they burning her? - Shh.

- 3:00 on a Wednesday, these people are in church.

That'’s crazy. - What is that painting?

- I don'’t know.

- Oh, fuck, it'’s a funeral.

- Oh, my gosh, those are kids.

- Shh.

- That'’s three kids.

Greg, we should--I think we should get out of here.

Greg?

- I don'’t have a good feeling about this. Can we just--

Greg?

- What the fuck are you two fucktards doing?

I told you two to get some B-roll.

- How do I turn this thing off? - What, are you at a bar?

- Greg, I don'’t know. I can'’t turn this thing off.

- Get your fucking ass back here--

- I'’m sorry. We didn'’t realize it was--

Greg!

- Get the fuck off me!

Greg, watch out!

- Sarah, get over here. - Okay.

We'’re sorry, sir, but those men were--

- Sarah, just stop it.

- These people are upset

that you have filmed

something which is

very personal.

I have explained to them that you did not understand...

Which is not true.

You should go now.

- Okay, thank you. - Come on.

- All right. - Thank you.

- Sarah.

Hey.

Thank you.

Let'’s go. Keep walking.

Let'’s go. Turn around and keep going.

Keep going. Sarah, go, go, go, go, go.

- It'’s called "The Biggest Donkey."

You take donkeys from villagers around county.

They feed the donkeys as much as possible

for three months.

At the end of three months, they weigh the donkeys.

The one with the biggest donkey wins all donkeys.

He'’s very rich man now.

- Yeah, yeah. I will pitch that to Wallace

as soon as I get home.

- Yes, you get finder'’s fee.

Clever idea for reality show.

- Where the fuck have you guys been?

- We just accidentally filmed a funeral.

- Jesus Christ. - Ay.

- We almost got beat up.

It was three kids. - Three?

These people--they don'’t believe in immunization.

- Why didn'’t you just tell them you'’re Americans?

- 40 hours, guys.

That'’s when our plane leaves.

We need to be at Becky'’s getting exteriors.

- All right, then let'’s go. Come on.

- I teach you famous song. - Enough sitting around.

- Jesus Christ. Fuck.

- I teach you song on the way.

- Is it about donkeys? - It'’s happy.

♪ Hey!

Sing with me. Come, sing.

- Why--why are you coming with us?

- Because in last six months,

Becky and I have become, uh, good friends.

We'’re very close. - I wonder what--

I wonder what she'’s done with the place.

- You know what I hope?

I hope that she'’s fixed up the barn.

You remember that barn, Kate?

That was a great barn.

Actually, Greg, come to think of it,

you should take Sarah out to see the barn,

'’cause she'’d like that.

I think she'’d probably really like that.

- She is out in the boonies.

- Alex, shut the fuck up!

Jesus.

♪

- Oh, my God.

- Vladimir, is it, like, National Ax Day?

What the fuck is this? - Hi, homey.

- This is, uh, villagers.

They are probably just... - What the fuck was that?

- They go--they go out, they chop wood.

It'’s for fireplace.

Right here.

- Oh, wow. - See it?

- Oh, my gosh. - Wow.

- Wow. - Oh, my God.

- It'’s beautiful. Easy fix.

- She'’s really fixed it up.

- Wait. Are you sure this is the right house?

- I thought you were coming earlier.

Me too. Look at this.

- Alex, Greg, I'’m so happy to see you guys.

- Hey. - Becky.

Holy shit! This is amazing. - Thank you.

- Hi. Wow. This is quite a transformation.

- Thanks. - Becky.

Vladimir, right?

- Yes. She kids. - Becky, this is Sarah.

She'’s, uh--she'’s new. She just joined us.

- Hi. - Nice to meet you.

Oh!

Your house looks great. - Thank you.

- Is Goran here yet?

- Um, no. He'’s actually, um, traveling.

So he'’s not going to be here for a few days.

I know he'’s sorry he missed you guys.

- No Goran?

That sucks, '’cause he was just a really nice guy.

- How does it look, Greg?

Do we have enough light to shoot?

- No, Kate, I'’m sorry.

We'’re not shooting "Ghost Hunters Global."

- That'’s funny. That'’s very funny.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- All right, let'’s get back in the van.

- No, no, no. No, you guys came all this way.

Um, just come in for a minute.

I have Starbucks.

- Our viewers love it

when a fixer-upper comes together like this.

- Well, I really couldn'’t have done any of this without Goran.

He'’s done so much...

and not just with the house.

I feel like now that we'’re together,

he'’s, um--he'’s helped me become who I was really meant to be.

- You know, two years I spent on a Canadian home-renovation show,

and they never got anywhere close to this level of work.

You and--you and Goran should be really, really proud.

- Well, if you guys like what I'’ve done with the kitchen,

I can'’t wait to show you the cellar.

- All right, let'’s check it out.

- Oh, that will have to wait until tomorrow.

It'’s getting late, and we need to get back to town.

- Kate, come on. - You know the roads. Let'’s--

- No, I just saw you looking at him a little bit.

If you think he'’s cute, you should go for it.

- I work with him. - Sarah, let'’s go!

I want dinner in bed so we can come back here early.

- Okay, will you show me your pottery tomorrow, Becky?

- Sure. - Sarah!

- Okay. I'’m coming!

- In Moldova, they say, "If you do not like weather,

you wait ten minutes."

It'’s rain, sun, snow, all in same day.

- You guys, Becky was so nice.

- You know, it'’s a shame you didn'’t meet Goran,

because he'’s a real people-pleaser.

Alex.

Jesus Christ!

- Sorry. - Oy!

- Watch it, Alex. - Sorry.

- Great fucking day, guys.

- Okay, we go to nice restaurant for dinner.

We meet in lobby in 50 minutes.

It'’s time for shower. Come.

- I'’d say it'’s time for a shower.

You are overdue.

- Oh, am I early, Mr. Abernathy?

I thought we had your interview scheduled for 7:30.

- Sarah, we still have 30 minutes.

- Oh, that'’ll be plenty of time.

I only have a few questions.

To sleep!

- You can try to sleep, but I'’m not going away

until I get my story.

Really? - Mm-hmm.

Wow.

Mr. Abernathy, that is quite unexpected.

May I ask you what the circumstances were behind this?

- Well, the, uh--the terms of the settlement agreement

prohibit my mentioning specifics,

but, um, there might have been, uh...

an altercation.

- An altercation?

- Between myself and Mr. Torini,

during which Mr. Torini'’s eye may have become--

- Wait, wait, wait. You punched Alex?

Oh, my gosh.

- So, Miss Ellroy, viewers are dying to know,

to what do you ascribe

your meteoric rise in the film world?

- Oh, well, um, my unique vision

comes from a lifetime of suffering, naturally.

I, uh--I had to fall back on my safety school

when Harvard refused me my private parking space

for my BMW.

- Oh.

- It was terrible. - The--the fools.

- Fools!

I don'’t like to talk about it, really, so next topic.

- Moving on from tragedy... - Moving on.

- I hear that your stunning documentary work

has made you the toast of Moldova.

Well, as they say,

"Only filmmaker in Moldova best filmmaker in Moldova."

I'’ve heard this about Moldova.

You'’re staring.

- I am, yeah.

- You like having the camera on.

- I don'’t want to miss anything.

- Like what?

♪

Um, what is all this news about Goran?

Seriously?

Yes.

- All right, um, okay.

You want to-- Um, come on, I'’ll show you.

- Okay.

I won'’t.

- Not even--not even, like, one single breath.

If you--if you say one thing to Kate and you get us fired,

I-I will--I don'’t even know what I'’ll do.

I will--I will sell you to Vladimir is what I'’ll do.

- Girl Scouts honor.

- She'’s a Girl Scout, on top of everything else.

This is amazing.

- Now, just remember, you wanted to see this, all right?

Okay.

- Oh, look at that.

Hey, little guy. Hey, little guy.

- Hey, man, have you seen Goran anywhere?

I need him for his interview.

- No, I haven'’t seen him. Go ask what'’s-his-face--

Disco Dracula.

Oh, oh.

- Disco Dracula.

Hey, man. - Greg, my good friend.

How can Vladimir be helping?

- Uh, I'’m looking for Goran. Have you seen him anywhere?

- I think I see Goran and your producer in barn.

Come, I take you.

So, uh...

Alex tells me, uh, you were in Afghanistan.

- He does, huh? Alex has a big mouth.

- The reason I ask is because I have friends

who can get things into Romania.

And if you have friends maybe get things

out of Afghanistan, we ca--

We can--

- Vladimir, are you asking me to smuggle heroin for you?

- Is camera on?

I--Vladimir would never suggest such a thing.

- This ain'’t on, man. Film'’s expensive.

I wouldn'’t just be rolling it like that.

Think about it. It'’s all I ask, huh?

- Oy, whew. - Hey, Kate--

- Oh, Jesus, Greg! - God!

- Get the fuck out of here!

Get out of here! - I'’m so sorry.

- Fuck! Turn around! - No, no.

What the fuck are you doing?

- Goran, don'’t-- - Hey!

What the fuck are you doing, man?

- Nothing. - What the fuck is this?

- It'’s nothing. - What?

It'’s not even on. - What'’s okay?

What the fuck is this? - The camera is not on.

We were just talking about this.

It'’s not on. - It'’s not on. It'’s fine.

- I just need you for an interview.

- Fuck off.

- That'’s the face. That is why I do this.

- It'’s fucking awesome. - It is for that face.

Your shock sustains us.

- What? - It'’s a beautiful thing.

- I can'’t believe you guys didn'’t get fired.

- What-- - We get fired?

Why would we get fired?

She'’s the one--got soccer dick up her snooze-hole.

- What do you think she'’s going to tell

your Uncle Wallace back in New York--

that I walked in on her fucking the buyer'’s boyfriend?

I mean, come on. - Pfft. Wha--

- This is, like-- this is our--

this is our "get out of jail free" card.

And we only show it to pretty much everybody we meet, so...

- Yeah, only-- only pretty much everybody.

- What would she have done

if Goran would have been there today?

- She would have been fine. She'’s a total pro.

She just would have been like...

- Stop! - Goal!

- Okay, can you just-- Wait.

Can you come here and play

this, like, last part just one more time?

- Why? Is it working for you?

Is this getting you hot? - No, there was--Can you--

There'’s just, like, something that'’s bugging me.

Yeah?

- Dinner, dummies, let'’s go! - We'’re coming.

- All right, Kate. - Next time. Sorry, pervo.

- Uh... - Let'’s go eat.

- Oh. Well, you guys, what am I gonna do

with this, like, laptop?

Okay, wait up, guys.

- Um, I'’m sorry, ma'’am, could you--

And now... go!

Now go home!

Go!

- What the frig?

You guys, did you see that old lady upstairs?

- Oh, my God, finally. We'’re starving.

Come on, guys, let'’s go. She'’s here.

- Did you guys not see her? - Hey, Sarah, come on, let'’s go.

- Greg, that lady that was your mom was upstairs again.

- It doesn'’t matter. - Let'’s go.

- Come on. We haven'’t eaten since Berlin.

- Rugul in Flacari-- best restaurant in town.

Of course, only restaurant is best restaurant, huh?

Come. - What'’s it--what does it mean?

- It means "The Burning Steak."

- Okay, good enough for me.

- They'’re going to burn my steak.

All right. - What?

- Table, please. - This--this is the table.

- This is the table. - Hi, buddy.

- Shit. Greg, those are the guys who were at the church.

- Just sit down. Don'’t worry.

Just don'’t make eye contact.

- Dude, dude. How about those guys, huh?

- Don'’t. - They look like cool guys.

- Shh. - Let'’s just order some food.

Can you get the waitress?

- Vodka, vodka, vodka, vodka. - Vodka all around.

- Uh, yeah. - All right.

- Sarah, get in on this. - Becky'’s tomorrow,

Amsterdam for three days, and then God bless us,

back in the States.

- Hey, to the States. - To the States!

- Fuck that. To Amsterdam.

- States. - To Amsterdam.

- Famous Soviet magic trick-- make vodka disappear.

Watch.

Focus pocus, and... - Focus pocus?

- It'’s disappear! - I know that trick.

I know that trick. Cheers. - I'’m a magician too.

- I just had two sevens. - Two sevens in a row means

bad luck for the rest of your life.

- Okay, two sevens in a row means I get to roll again.

- Tzuika, tzuika.

- I would know better than anybody.

- Oh, my God, I'’ve had five tzuikas.

Did we eat dinner yet? - No.

- We haven'’t eaten? Really? Nothing?

- Yeah. - That'’s--Oh, wow.

Oh!

- Ho! - The pride of Humboldt County.

- The food'’s here. The food'’s here, finally.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my gosh.

That looks so good.

- Thank you. - Oh, fantastic.

- Oh, I think that'’s yours, Alex.

- That looks more beautiful.

Aha.

- Just like butter. - What are you talking about?

- Nothing. I'’ll tell you when you'’re older.

- Ask your father.

- What'’s going on? - You stop laughing!

You don'’t even know what'’s going on!

Eat your goat dick and shut up!

And you stop laughing.

Okay, I'’m rolling. Let'’s hear it.

Ahh.

Many years ago...

beautiful woman builds home outside Pavlovka.

She never bother nobody.

But she is stranger...

and these were very cautious times.

So one day, it happens in town.

The cattle get sick.

Children get sick.

People start to die.

Villagers want to know why.

Why is this happening? Who is to blame?

They don'’t understand germs, these people.

So here you have single woman,

beautiful single woman.

She live outside of town.

She never go to church.

And she has black cat.

She must be witch.

Yeah.

- What happened?

- Well, villagers go to her house.

They tie her to stake.

They burn her alive, end of story.

Millions times this happens.

- They burned her alive?

- Da.

- Yeah, people suck all over, man.

That'’s just the way it is. That'’s just the way it is.

I mean, it'’s no different

than what we did in Salem in the 1600s.

- Yes, but in Pavlovka,

this happens only 100 years ago.

100 years only.

- That is awful.

- Eh. Not really.

It'’s good for business.

- Oh, shit, the restaurant'’s called

"The Burning Stake."

Da.

- Oh, "The Burning Stake." - "The Burning Stake."

- Nasd--nasd-- Nasty.

- Nasty, nasty.

- Nice to know ya. - Nice to know you.

- Nasdrovia.

Nice to know you. - Nasdrovia.

- There'’s no T in "borsch." - There is a T!

- It'’s "borsch."

- I can'’t believe we'’re having this conversation.

- Everyone in America says it with a T, Vladimir.

- No, no, no, no. You'’re--you'’re wrong.

Shh.

- The streets are full of drunks.

Come on, come on, come on, come on,

- Do you know your back way to hotel?

- Yes. - We know the back way.

I only go back way.

I never go front way. - Shh.

Quiet, you.

- Take me to your back way. - Come, come.

Come on, come on.

- I have to piss like a tiger.

- It is Friday morning.

We are still in Pavlovka

and check this out.

She'’s been standing there for, like, 20 minutes.

- Sarah, let'’s go! - Coming!

- Oh, ho, ho, look who it is. - Alexi.

Let'’s just not do that, okay?

- Hello! Good day. - Oh, good morning, Constable.

Sorry about yesterday at the church. I--

- Just a misunderstanding between people--

different cultures.

Maybe I visit today?

- Uh...

I--well, I don'’t think I'’d be the person

to talk to about that, but--

- Uh, Constable, hi.

I am Kate Banks. - Hi.

This is my crew.

I-I know that they can be a little enthusiastic,

but I assure you we won'’t use any of the footage

that we shot in your church.

That would be appreciated.

Uh, now I must ask,

will you be finished today?

- Yes, absolutely.

Yes, we would love to spend more time

in your beautiful town, but--

- "Oh, we'’d just love to stay in your beautiful town."

Jesus, Kate.

- What the fuck did you want me to say?

The guy had a gun.

Kate, you think like native. Gun always wins.

- Okay, okay, all right. Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, I just-- Daddy doesn'’t feel good.

- It sounds like you guys had so much fun.

I wish I'’d go in town more.

Hey, are you gonna film absolutely everything?

- Yeah, it'’s just something we do.

- So we'’ve got six more hours of good light.

- Oh. - Guys, get set up.

Sarah, you'’re with me. Come on.

- Okeydoke.

- Becky, I think it'’s great right by that tree.

- Okay. - Let'’s get a close-up.

Uh, just be natural.

- Right, okay. Um...

Perfect.

- All right, so... - Okay.

- To camera. - Okay, fine.

- Do you have a lot neighbors close by?

- No. My nearest neighbor is about two miles away.

- And do you have them over?

Do you have dinner parties with them?

- I think they think I'’m weird.

Like, who would live all the way out here

if they didn'’t have to?

- Oh, they don'’t find country life romantic?

Yeah, I guess not.

I have some ferns, of course, you know?

Um, very hot peppers.

Um, I have, uh, mandrake.

- Mm, growing some aphrodisiacs, huh?

- Okay, we'’re done. Sarah.

I know that you'’re Wallace'’s niece,

but out here, I'’m you'’re fucking boss.

- I was trying to help. - Sarah, shut the fuck up.

- Oh, come on, Kate. - I know that you just graduated

from film school and you think that you know everything,

but you don'’t, okay?

You don'’t.

And the only way that you'’re going to learn

is by keeping your fucking mouth shut

and watching the professionals do their jobs.

You understand?

Do you understand?

Sarah, are you okay?

- Just stay out of her way. Stick with us for a while.

Let her calm down, all right?

It isn'’t all bad, I promise.

- Are you guys sure I'’m not in the way?

- No, you'’re okay. - Hey, guys.

- Hey. - Yo.

- Are you filming the cellar now?

- Uh, we'’re not. We'’re gonna shoot the ground floor

while the light'’s good, but later, yeah, for sure.

- Okay.

- I promise we'’ll get to it. - Okay.

- Fucking cutie-patootie. - Mm-hmm.

- Uh-huh.

What? Alex, is she your type?

Okay.

- I want to get this fireplace, but I'’m thinking, like,

hot spot off the window-- it'’s not gonna look good.

- How the fuck did I do this?

Um, you can just shoot it from where she'’s standing.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, it looks great from here.

- I need the reflectors.

- How'’s that? - That'’s better.

Becky, in your own time.

- And it--it'’s just--

I mean, the whole house smells warm.

The food comes out, like, beautifully, just because--

Pump. I don'’t know if you remember before,

but the water was, you know,

kind of came out dripping and kind of green.

And all of this wood here is salvaged wood,

so everything is getting a renewed life.

You know?

So Goran did so much on the outside here--

the staining, detailing, these slats.

Anyway, um, if you come inside,

I can show you some of my work here.

Um, oh, and this fire I have to tend to constantly.

Placement really matters, you know?

It'’s not like working with a commercial kiln at all,

but it'’s really cool, you know--

uh, go back to the old ways, be part of tradition.

And the best part is,

um, I made myself something to remind me

of how it was when we first got here.

And here'’s my little friend.

- Oh, it'’s the cat from the first segment.

That is so cute. - Jesus fucking Christ!

Go make yourself useful

and go get me some B-roll shots, all right?

Shoot some fucking trees, some cows.

Just get the fuck out of my face.

- I paid $150,000 at film school

to film trees.

We got it. We got the B-roll you needed.

We got this big-ass stump.

Want some B-roll of some stray dogs?

Here you go.

The barn of passion...

transformed from a place where animals eat

into a warm and stylish fuckpad.

Skank.

Huh.

Looks like Becky ran out of steam.

Oh, hello, señor frog.

Whoa.

What the hell is that?

Ah!

- Who'’s a good dog?

Who'’s my good boy?

You want to be a TV star? - Alex?

"I do Arrex."

- Alex? - "I do want to be a TV star."

What'’s up?

- Something'’s wrong with the camera.

- Oh, great. Kate'’s gonna love that.

You should go show it to Greg.

He'’s inside setting up a shot.

- Okay. - Good boy want a Doina?

Does a good boy want a Doina?

What'’s this? It'’s a Doina.

Yeah. You don'’t like Doina?

- Uh, Greg, there'’s something wrong with the camera.

- Let'’s take a look.

Did you try turning it off and on?

Sometimes that works. - Yes.

Looks like it'’s working.

- It was totally fritzing out before.

- Yeah. No, it looks good to me now.

So, uh, what are you doing later?

- I don'’t know. I got this thing.

- Uh-huh. - Yeah.

- What? - Bumpy ride, bad food.

- Oh, the "bumpy ride, bad food" thing?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah, I got one of those too.

- Yeah. - How about after that?

- Wasn'’t gonna get this done, so here we go.

How hard could this be?

Uh, excuse me.

Yes, I am Kate Banks,

host and producer of "Home Hunters Global."

I know. Oh, I'’ve got more fans.

Okay.

Oh, you guys are so great.

So, uh, what'’s your favorite part of the show?

Kate?

Kate, you--Becky, she wants to show us something inside.

Come, come, come. - All right.

- So you guys remember the wine cellar, right?

- Right, yeah. - You are not gonna believe

what we found when we started fixing this all up.

- Cases of wine?

Yeah.

All right, hold on.

Here we go.

Oh, can you grab that light?

Mm-hmm.

- What was that? - What the hell?

- That'’s Alex.

- What'’s going on? - Alex!

Oh, my gosh!

Get him off me!

- Oh, my God, Alex, your arm!

- Oh, shit. - Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.

Come on, come on, come on. - Jesus Christ.

- We need a blanket. The guy'’s going into shock.

- We don'’t have a fucking blanket.

- Then take off your jacket and put it over his shoulder!

- What the fuck did he say about rabies?

Get him inside.

- Keep your arm up! - Doctor?

What kind of hospital is this? - Here we go.

- I can'’t believe this is the only doctor in town.

- Only doctor in town is best doctor in town.

- We should have stayed and finished the shoot.

- Really, Kate? With a dead sound tech?

I'’d love to see you explain that to Wallace.

- Fuck Wallace. Fuck this.

How am I supposed to do a show with a bunch of fuckups?

I'’m going to get some air.

Greg, is he going to be okay?

That was a lot of blood.

- Yeah, I think Alex is going to be fine.

That wasn'’t...

It wasn'’t that much blood.

- So...

uh, what happened in Afghanistan?

- Game of badminton, ladies?

- It lives. - Are you okay?

- It does, - Like Lazarus.

- Yeah. No, man, it was gnarly. Let me tell you something--

this dude right here

has the best painkillers in the city.

That'’s my boy.

If it'’s good enough for pigs,

it'’s good enough for me, right, my man?

- Alex, okay. - Put it up here.

- Thank you very much for your help.

- That'’s right. That'’s my boy right there.

Sarah, let'’s get the fuck out of here.

- That'’s my guy.

I tell you, you haven'’t lived

until you got a brain full of narcotics

and a belly full of hog balls, people.

It'’s Heaven.

- These guys are still staring at us.

- That'’s really good.

- I know. They are big starers in this town.

- It'’s a little village, little people.

Naturally curious, like monkeys.

- Creepy monkeys.

- You know, we could just order them some drinks.

It'’s cheap, it'’s easy. - Ah, drinks--this they like.

Good idea. - Vladimir, make that happen.

- Kellneriza. Noroc.

- Noroc! - Yes.

- Cheers, Noroc.

- Okay, someone'’s getting up. - Ah, shit.

Greg?

- Uh, hey, Greg, he only ask why you filming everything.

- Hey, cheers, you guys. - Noroc. Noroc.

- See? Booze buys happiness every time.

Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

- Doi, trei, go!

- It'’s 3-D! It'’s 3-D!

- Vladimir! Get some fucking alcohol!

Come on, man. Hey!

♪

Hey!

- Holy fucking shit.

♪

- Hey!

- Whoo! Hey, Vladimir!

- Opa!

Okay, Greg. Here we go.

♪

Ahh!

♪

Alex, help him! Help him!

Come on, come on, come on.

Push, push!

Yeah!

Yes! USA! USA!

- You, uh, drunk enough to tell me about Afghanistan?

You ever gonna talk to me again?

Ugh!

- Your name again is Margarita, right?

- Margaretta.

- And you'’re Marga--what?

- Margaretta. - Margaretta.

That'’s nice.

What? What did she say? What'’s your name again?

Luma? - Nozomi.

- Nozomi? That'’s a nice name.

Nozomi. Nozomi and Margarita.

So what was I talking about? Oh, yeah.

I don'’t like her new haircut. I don'’t think it'’s hot.

- Your earrings are gorgeous.

- Che?

- Uh, Vladimir, how do I say "gorgeous"?

- Frumoasa.

- Frumoasa. Yeah.

- Multumesc. Multumesc.

- You'’re welcome.

- All right, Vlad, how do I say, uh, "beer"?

- Bere. - Bere!

- Bere! - Quatro bere?

- How do I say vodka?

- Quatro bere. - Quatro bere.

- Vodka. That'’s, like, international, man.

Everybody knows vodka. - Wodka? Wodka!

Yes? Hey, wodka!

- How do you say "bedroom"?

- Dormitor.

- I don'’t want this. This isn'’t for me.

This is--you got to give it to her.

- Uh, Valdimir, how do I say "I'’m sorry"?

- Ime pare rau.

- Ime pare rau.

- Sunt un cretin.

- Sunt-- Wait. What?

- Sunt un cretin.

- Sunt un cretin.

- What does that mean?

- It means "I am asshole."

- Um, how do-- how do you say, um...

"Do you have any diseases

that I should be worried about"?

- Jesus. How do you say "moron"?

- Prost.

- Prost! We got a big-ass prostover here.

- Dickwad. How do you say "dickwad"?

- Prost. - Cacanar.

- Cacanar!

- Cacanar? - Cacanar!

I can'’t believe you just went cacanaron me.

- I went cacanar. - Fucking prost.

- I'’ve got a good one.

How do you say "spoiled brat"?

- Rasfatat.

- Rasfatat!

- Oh, that is so mean. How do you say "witch"?

- Vrajitoare.

- Vrajitoare!

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

- Marius! - Hey!

- All right, let'’s go, guys. Come on, come on, come on.

- Come on.

- That was so stupid.

Next time keep your fucking mouth shut.

- I'’m sorry. I didn'’t mean to say something like that.

It just--

- It'’s bar. People get drunk. They fight. It'’s okay.

- No, it'’s definitely not okay.

Tomorrow we finish up at Becky'’s,

and we head straight to the airport.

- Kate, we'’ve all been there, okay? Just back off.

- I didn'’t come to this shithole

to get in a stupid bar fight.

- Yeah, why did we come to this shithole?

- Ugh! Greg, are you still filming?

Turn that fucking thing off.

- Bitch.

- No, they'’ve been here since this morning.

You guys didn'’t hire them or anything?

They'’re not--I thought maybe extras or something.

- Mm-mm. - Sarah, do me a favor.

Don'’t point the camera directly at them.

- Okay, sorry.

- Kate, call it, please.

I mean, should we get in touch with that constable?

What are we doing?

- I have no signal. - The same.

- Maybe I should just go talk to them.

- No. - I'’m sure it'’ll be fine.

- No, let'’s just do our jobs and get out of here quickly.

Please? - I agree.

Let'’s shoot it. Let'’s--let'’s go home.

- Oh, fuck me. - We'’ll be fast, okay?

- Fine. - Come on, we can get this done.

- Let'’s do it fast, and let'’s get out of here

before they go all "Deliverance" on our asses.

- Uh, Becky do you have a paring knife?

Big knives look threatening on camera.

- Oh. Uh, yeah, of course.

Um...

- Perfect.

- This is--Jeez.

- Let'’s get a nice shot of these.

Ooh, that'’s really creepy. Make sure to get that.

And there'’s a couple of things I wanted in the bedroom.

- Drop your boom, Alex.

- So I really couldn'’t have done any of this without Goran.

Here we go.

I'’m so excited to show you.

- Oh, it looks cool.

- All right, come on down.

- I'’m sad I didn'’t get to meet Goran.

- I know, but his plane doesn'’t even get in

till tomorrow.

- Holy crap, Becky! - Oh, my God!

- Holy shit. - This is great.

Did you paint this?

- No, can you believe anyone ever covered this up?

I sent pictures to a friend of mine in Venice,

and he dated the floor to the time of the Roman Empire.

- Wow.

- A national treasure in my basement.

- Oh, it'’s beautiful.

- I want to get it from over here.

- And what about this wine stomping vat? Holy shit.

- Oh, I just use that to store paint thinner and stuff.

You know, the smell. Oh, but here'’s the best part!

And I wanted to show you guys all at once.

Ta-da!

- Wow! - Whoa!

- Oh, my God. It'’s Vladimir'’s story about the witch.

- You, uh, are very good painter, Becky.

- Oh, no, I didn'’t paint this. It was here.

They'’ve been using torches down here for a hundred years.

It was covered under all this soot and smoke.

- Uh, Greg, our flight leaves in seven hours.

Do you want to go get all your gear and get set up down here?

- Yeah, yeah, I got it. - There'’s more on this wall.

I was hoping to finish it before you guys got here,

and I ran out of time.

- This is an amazing find, Becky--great work.

- Thank you. I'’m really proud of it.

- I don'’t know

if I'’d want to sleep with this in my basement.

This is kind of creepy, don'’t you think?

- Oh, no! I'’m not superstitious

It'’s not scary. It'’s just history.

- You know, I have some friends at the Learning Network.

They might build an hour-long special from this.

I mean, they'’d pay you, of course, Becky.

- It would also make great tourist attraction.

Uh, bed and breakfast.

People from Netherlands eat this up with spoon.

Uh, you could get rich.

- I'’m not interested in money.

I just want everybody to experience it, every bit of it.

You know, it'’s funny-- I moved here to be an artist,

and here I find I'’m not the first,

like I'’m part of a tradition.

In a weird way, it just makes me feel... connected.

- Hey, guys, guys!

- What the fuck?

- Wow!

So... does this mean

we'’re not getting our rental deposit back?

- How could they have done this with us right inside?

- Guys, I think we need to call the cops.

- How are we gonna call the cops, dude?

We don'’t have any cell phone signal.

- There'’s not enough people out here for tower.

- Jesus. Becky, can we use your phone?

- Um, I-I don'’t have a landline.

- Great. Can you give us a ride to the airport?

- Sorry. I only have my bike.

- Well, so we'’re fucking stuck here.

- Should we call a cab, or...?

- Yeah, that'’s great, Sarah.

Why don'’t you walk into town, go hail one, and bring it back?

- Well, good luck with that, '’cause whoever did this

is still out there.

- Oh, God, if they wanted

to start something with us, they would'’ve.

We were 10 feet away.

This is passive-aggressive bullshit.

- I don'’t know, Kate.

Doesn'’t look too passive to me.

- Yeah, well, who'’s fault is that?

I told you all to keep a low profile in town.

- Kate, how are we supposed to do that?

We'’re carrying cameras around.

- Start by not filming funerals, Greg.

- We'’re live, sister. - Hey, you know what?

At least I didn'’t get their dog shot, right?

- And this one yelling "witch"

in the middle of a bar full of psycho Euro-hicks.

Way to win over the locals, Sarah.

- Well, maybe I should just fuck them instead!

- You little bitch!

- No! - Hey! Hey! Hey!

Sarah! - Don'’t fight, don'’t fight!

I go! - No, no, no, guys--

- I go! Stop! - Hold on.

- I go. I go to town.

Everyone loves Vladimir.

It will take me a while, but I will get help.

- Are you serious? You want to go out there?

- Only volunteer is best volunteer.

- There'’s just a few things in here,

in case you need '’em.

- Vladimir, this is for the car. - Thank you.

I bring back change, okay?

- Dude, I want you to have that,

in case of emergencies.

- Spaceba, bratov.

- Later, brother.

- Bye.

Oh! - What?

- I have heart attack. Aagh!

Ha! I'’m kidding. Just kidding.

I kid. I be okay. Don'’t worry.

♪

- Tension relief fail.

- So it kind of looks like rain.

Anybody wants some coffee?

- Yes, please. - Yeah, that would be great.

- I'’ll make it.

- All-in.

- All right, let'’s dance, lady.

I call. What do you got?

- Two pair! Aces over 8s.

- You bitch. Good hand.

Not as good as five Vladimirs, though.

Yeah, sorry.

- Have you been playing with those cards the entire time?

- Read '’em and weep.

- Wallace is gonna hit the roof over this.

- "1,000 di Tipuri di Brooaste."

This is one of my-- See, I love this guy.

He'’s great. Uh, you know, this is--

Lost my virginity to that guy.

What does that mean-- "assuming the bridge is okay"?

- Um, well, last spring there was--

It washed out a little bit, but I think it'’ll be okay.

- It washed out? Oh, shit--

I mean, it'’s not raining that hard right now, is it?

No, it'’ll be okay.

- Are you laughing at me?

Yeah.

- Did that sound kind of panicked when I said that?

I meant that to be more of like a masculine--

Kind of like, "It'’s not raining?"

- You, uh, do this at home?

You have a lady at home waiting for you

to cook for her?

- If I had a lady at home doing this for me,

I'’d have no idea how to do this.

- No, I mean, you know,

I want to direct my own stuff, I think.

It'’d be nice.

I mean, not that it'’s not super fun

working for Kate, who'’s just really

the nicest lady you ever want to work--

She'’s a bitch.

- That'’s terrible.

- She'’s just such a bitch.

Not that I don'’t like it here.

Not that I don'’t like it here. It'’s just that...

I don'’t like it here.

I think we can add those peppers now. You ready?

- Dude, you gonna, like, pay $10,000

to get one from a scalper?

- Just get online. - No, I'’ll get you guys tickets.

- What is-- what was that?

You'’ll get us tickets? - Mm-hmm.

- You mean Uncle Wallace will get us tickets?

That'’s very nice of him.

I should write him a thank-you note.

- Kate, are you not going to eat your food?

- Pretty cool. Like this?

- Yeah, but don'’t try to hold it steady.

It'’s just going to make you shake it more.

- Yeah, listen to her. She went to film school.

- And we taught her well.

- You taped it, didn'’t you?

- What are you talking about?

- You know what I'’m talking about.

You taped it. You lied.

You said the camera was off.

Which one of you showed her...

- Kate. - Alex?

- All right, you know what, Kate?

Don'’t do this, not now, okay? Not in front of Becky.

- Um, maybe I should just go.

- No, Becky, Kate'’s done.

This is your house.

You don'’t have to go anywhere.

Listen, we'’ve all had a rough day.

Let try to keep it together.

Vladimir'’s been gone, what, two hours?

He'’s caught a ride into town. He'’s gonna be back.

- Really? Yeah, when? - Soon.

- Becky, why don'’t I teach you how to pull focus?

- Uh, okay.

- Put your fingers like this, right here.

- I begged Wallace

not to make me come back here with you.

- Manganese granular.

You just put it in the glaze, and then it comes out like this.

- Huh.

- The rain'’s definitely letting up.

We should get out of here soon.

- That suits me. It'’s getting stuffy in here.

- Becky, those are really beautiful.

- Thanks. I have a lot more.

You want to see them? They'’re in the kiln hut.

- Yeah, absolutely. Let me grab a battery.

- There'’s this really cool crafts fair in Chisinau.

Once a month, I go there, and I sell my pots.

- Yeah? Do you make a lot of money like that?

- Uh, well, not really,

because you kind of have to be there a long time,

but I do sell some, and it'’s pretty great.

Oh, my God. - What?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh, what'’s the--

Oh, my gosh.

- Are you okay?

♪

- We'’re filming everything from now on.

We can'’t let these people get away with this.

- It'’s fucked up.

- We shouldn'’t have come back here.

What the fuck?

Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! - Oh, Jesus.

What the fuck is that?

- Would somebody please explain

to these assholes that we are Americans?

- What? - Becky, help me--

- All right, I'’m getting set. I'’m going to close the bedroom.

- I need the goddamn hammer!

Kate, give me a hand already! Come on!

Go, go, go, go, go.

- That'’s good. That'’s good.

- Okay, is there anything else you guys can think of

that we can do to, like, trap ourselves in here?

- Look, I would rather be in here than out there, all right?

- We'’re safe. - Safe?

If they want us, they'’re going to come in here and get us.

- Nobody'’s getting in here, Kate--don'’t worry.

- Oh, and if they can'’t come in,

they'’re just going to fucking burn this place down.

- Oh, God.

- We need to head out to the woods.

- The woods? - Yes.

- Kate, we don'’t-- we don'’t have any gear.

We don'’t even have a compass.

Where the hell are we gonna go? - Anywhere but here!

Jesus Christ.

Becky, Goran--you said Goran'’s coming in tomorrow morning.

What time does his flight land?

- What? - Goran, his flight--

when does he land?

- Um, 8:00 a.m.

He said he was coming straight here.

- Okay, 8:00 a.m. - Okay.

- Right, it'’s a two-hour flight.

Kate? - Yeah.

He'’s in his car by 9:00.

He'’s here by 11:00, noon at the latest.

- All right, assuming that he didn'’t miss his flight.

- I'’m sure he didn'’t miss his flight.

- Or the bridge isn'’t out or those fucking maniacs out there

didn'’t cut him up the way they fucking cut up Vladimir!

- Enough!

I'’m sorry.

Sorry.

- Oh, that'’s fucking great, Kate.

That'’s fucking awesome.

- Guys, listen, here'’s the plan.

We'’re gonna stay her tonight, we'’re gonna wait for Goran,

and we'’re gonna drive out of here in the morning.

- You don'’t give orders, Greg.

This is my production.

- We'’re not making the show anymore, Kate.

- And yet you'’re still filming.

- That'’s because we film everything from here on out...

everything.

- None of you ever liked me.

Do you know how many times I covered for you guys?

You'’ve all been laughing at me this whole time.

- The sun'’s going down.

- Shit.

Just making sure.

- We need to get some sleep.

- Yeah, that'’s great. Who the fuck can sleep?

- All right, great, man. You take the first watch.

Ladies.

- You can take this room.

- Okay, thanks, Becky.

Listen, Sarah, I want you to keep that camera rolling

and then change the batteries, all right?

Thank you.

- And, um, Sarah, if you'’re okay with doubling up,

you can share this room with me, okay?

See anything? - No.

Have you had a lot of problems with these people before?

Well, I don'’t speak the language yet,

but, um...

I'’ve gotten some hard stares at the market--

single woman and all living this far out of town.

You know?

And I don'’t go to church.

So I haven'’t gone out of my way to...

become part of their community.

But this is...

I'’m really gonna miss this house.

Oh, my God. What was that?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Yo.

What are you doing up?

- Can'’t sleep.

- Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.

Kate went to sleep, like, ten minutes after you guys left,

stuck me with all this fucking guard duty.

- Well, Greg and I are gonna take over in an hour, so...

- Mm, that'’s great.

Then I can go and not sleep in there.

- Listen, Goran'’s gonna be here in the morning.

All we have to do is last through the night.

- Yeah, I mean, that'’s assuming he shows up in that SUV

and doesn'’t ride in here on a fucking Vespa or something.

Look, I know Kate is being a bitch,

but this plan really does have a lot of holes in it, you know?

What if he does miss his plane?

What if the bridge is washed out?

What if he doesn'’t get here?

And you know what?

Even if he does get here,

how do we know we can even trust this fucking guy?

He'’s one of them, right?

- Vladimir was one of them.

- I don'’t know.

- Greg? - Aah! What the fuck?

Get off me! - Greg, it'’s just me!

It'’s Sarah! It'’s me. It'’s Sarah.

It'’s Sarah. It'’s Sarah. - You guys all right?

- Yeah, it'’s okay! We'’re fine!

- Then stop freaking me out!

- Greg.

- W-we were shooting...

at an all-girls school...

to...

I don'’t know.

To show how things were changing over there.

And we were--finished the shot. We were leaving.

We were walking through the door,

and these two local Taliban

showed up.

And this is the South.

I mean, this isn'’t hard-core Swat Valley Taliban.

These are just local bullies.

You know, guys like this, they just...

They just come in, and they...

break some windows,

and they flip some tables, and they burn books,

and then they lecture the women, and they fuck off.

But this time was different...

Because this time they see me...

And they see my camera...

And the chance to make a splash...

to make the news in America.

So they take this little girl.

She'’s maybe, like, ten years old.

She'’d just learned to read and write.

She was learning English. I mean--

Fuck! The future of the country.

And they pulled out this big knife...

And they made me film it.

- Greg, there was nothing you could'’ve done.

They had machine guns. There'’s not--

You couldn'’t have done anything to stop them.

- I didn'’t even try! I didn'’t even try!

I didn'’t even try.

Hey.

What is it? - Nothing.

- All right, come on, let'’s go.

- What is that, a pipe?

- Hey, wake up. - What?

- What the hell were you thinking?

- What? I'’m sorry. I was trying to take the edge off.

- Dude, why the fuck would you want no edge?

- You guys, where'’s Kate?

- Oh, shit.

- Becky, get up. We got a problem.

- Becky, Kate'’s missing.

- She'’s not in the cellar. - Shit.

Way to go, Alex.

- What do you want me to say, dude? I'’m sorry, okay?

- Why would she sneak off without us?

- '’Cause Kate looks out for number one--that'’s why.

- Exactly. Even if I was awake, what am I gonna do--

talk Kate from going out the fucking door?

- Shh.

We have to do something.

- Help me.

Help.

- We can'’t just stand here, you guys.

- I'’m going.

- D-d-don'’t go out there.

They'’re trying to lure us out there.

It'’s a trap. I swear to God, Greg, please.

- He'’s right. You can'’t do it alone.

- Thank you.

- Okay, we'’ll all go out together.

- What the fuck? Why? Why?

Kate wouldn'’t do it for us.

What? She wouldn'’t.

- You guys good? - Yeah.

- All right, come on. Come on. - Oh, fuck me, man.

- Watch your step. - I can'’t--

- Shh, shh, shh. - Shit.

- Don'’t fucking wave that poker in my face.

- Okay. Uh, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- Becky. - Okay, I know.

- Shh. - Sarah, what do you see?

- I can'’t see anything. Sarah, can you see anything?

I hear something.

Sarah?

- I can'’t see my fucking hand in front of my face.

- Alex, shut the fuck up. There'’s people out here.

I heard something.

- My God. God.

- Help me. - Oh, my God.

- I can hear her. - Oh, my God.

- I can hear her, guys. Come on.

Stay low.

- Wait, wait wait!

- Quiet, quiet, quiet, quiet.

Please, please please. Quiet, quiet, quiet.

Sarah, can you see anything?

Stop! Stop! - My God.

- No.

- Shh, shh. Listen. - Okay.

Oh, my God.

- I can hear her. I can hear her.

- Alex. Alex.

- Kate.

Kate.

- No, I-- - Sarah, can you see?

- I can'’t see. - Sarah, what can you see?

- I can'’t see shit. - Kate, where the fuck are you?

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - No!

- She'’s dead! I'’m going back to the house!

- Alex! - Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!

He'’s right, all right?

There'’s nothing we can do for her.

They'’re still out here.

Sarah.

Sarah, come on. - Greg.

- Guys, let'’s get the fuck out of here.

Becky.

Let'’s get back inside. -

- Okay, Sarah, come on. Come on.

- Yeah, go check the bedrooms. Go, come on.

- Greg, can I talk to you for a second?

- Sarah, go! Just go fucking help Alex!

- I have to tell you something-- - Quit fucking around!

Come on! - God damn it!

Alex, Alex, Alex. - Fucking bullshit.

- Goran'’s car is in the barn. - What?

- Goran'’s car is in the barn right now.

- Goran'’s here? - No, his car is in the barn.

It'’s covered in dust. - What are you saying?

- Oh, my God, the barn.

Holy shit. Where'’s your laptop?

- What the fuck are you talking about?

- Get your laptop out.

Come up.

Where the fuck is it?

- I mean, what, Sarah? What? - Shut up.

- What? What'’s okay?

- It'’s not even on. - The camera isn'’t on.

- We were just talking about this. It'’s not on.

- It'’s not on.

There.

- What is that?

Oh, shit.

What are we gonna do?

She'’s right the fuck out there.

- Okay. Okay. Okay.

So she'’s a fucking psychopath. She saw them.

She killed Goran. She killed Kate.

Why the fuck did she kill Vladimir?

- I don'’t know.

Because he saw.

Greg.

- Greg. Holy shit. Greg!

Greg. Shit.

- What?

- Okay, come on, let'’s go.

Come on! Come on!

- I can'’t go down there with her.

- For once in your life!

I'’m not gonna stand around debating this with you.

Go downstairs now!

- Fuck! - Oh, my God. Alex!

Fuck!

- Oh, my God! - Jesus fucking Christ!

Don'’t touch me! Get the fuck away from me!

Don'’t touch me! Don'’t touch me! Greg!

- Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

- Just wait here.

- Alex?

- Alex?

Alex?

- Sarah? - I'’m right here.

- Sarah?

- Alex?

Greg, I have to tell you something.

- I keep this down here in case of emergency.

- It'’s 3:00 now. We got 8 hours until Goran shows up.

We got to take that thing out of you.

- No, we'’re not taking this thing out of me,

'’cause this is the thing that'’s fucking plugging the hole!

- I'’ve done this before. Trust me. Come on.

- Greg, I have to tell you something.

Here, take this.

- Greg. - Put this in your mouth.

Bite down on this. Bite down on it.

I got his arm.

- I got it. - Don'’t scream.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it. That'’s it. That'’s it.

That'’s it. That'’s it.

- Can you deal with this?

- Bite down. Bite down if you have to.

Are you done screaming?

You done screaming?

Fuck you. - Fuck me.

Yeah, fuck me.

- I'’m good. I'’m good. - You got it.

You got it. You got it.

- Oh, fuck! - You got it.

- What the hell?

- It'’s okay. Shh, shh, shh.

Alex, Alex, it'’s gonna be okay.

Trust me.

- What is that?

Oh, my...

Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Oh.

Oh, shit!

Oh, my God.

- Do you like it? - What the hell'’s going on?

- Greg, she'’s crazy.

She killed Goran, and she killed Kate,

and she killed Vladimir.

- Sarah, what the hell are you talking about?

- She saw them together in the barn.

His car is in the barn.

- All right, just--just-- just calm down.

- I'’m not gonna fucking calm down!

Look at this mural right now. That'’s us!

That is us!

She planned this whole entire thing.

- No. - She painted about it.

- I didn'’t pain that.

That was always here.

Iwas always here. - What?

- I was just waiting...

for Becky, for you.

- Becky, what are you talking about?

- Dude, she is fucking psychotic, okay?

- All right. - Listen to me.

She thinks she'’s a witch. - Okay.

- And those hicks up there do too.

- All right, just--just back the fuck off.

- They'’re not here to kill us. They'’re here to kill her.

We'’re just in the way.

- No.

I want you here...

to record what happens, like in the mural.

Let'’s start with a close-up.

- Becky, what-- - Aah!

- Becky... - Dude.

- Just let go of that, all right, Becky?

Becky. Let go of Sarah, Becky.

Sarah?

- Oh, my God! - Oh, Jesus Christ.

It'’s Goran.

- Oh, Jesus Christ. - Shit.

- What-- - No, Becky.

Becky, what are you doing?

Okay. - Oh, my--

- Becky. Becky, listen to me. It'’s Greg. Becky.

Becky, just put that down.

You don'’t have to do that, all right?

Let'’s just talk. Becky.

- Greg.

- Greg! - Greg!

- Greg!

- Sarah, Alex, get out of here! Go now!

- Whoa!

- Aah!

- Greg!

- Sarah, we'’ve got to fucking go!

- Aah!

- Shit. Give me the camera. Give it to me.

Sarah. Sarah, go.

Go! Run!

- Ow. Shit. - We got to go.

Just go! Go! - Aah!

- Just go! Go! Go!

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Come on, come on. Sarah, come on!

- This way, this way! - What do we--

- Help us! - Witch lover!

- No, no, no. No, no, wait.

What the fuck?

♪

Jeez!

♪

What the fuck?

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, fuck me!

Fuck me!

Fuck me!

No! No!

Shit!

Dickless piece of--

Fuck!

- Aah!

Shit!

- Shit, shit, shit.

- No!

- Fuck.

Jesus!

Oh! Oh!

Great. Great.

Shit. Shit!

Wait, wait. Wait. No, no, no.

Look. Come on, look.

You want my shoes?

I'’m not even American. I'’m Canadian!

♪

- Good Canadian shoes. No, no, no, no!

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. It'’s okay.

You want me to film it? Okay.

Okay, I'’ll film it. I'’ll film it.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

I can'’t believe she actually drank that shit.

Oh, shit.

- Oh, that'’s not a good idea.

That is not a good idea.

Oh, shit.

- What did I say?

Oh, God.

Oh, shit!

Shit.

- I used to have a painter.

Now I have a director...

Unless...

you don'’t want to be my director.

No, shit, that'’s--that'’s cool.

I mean, who doesn'’t want to direct?

- Good.

Show everyone.

How the fuck am I gonna explain this to Wallace?

♪

♪

- Whoo! - Whoo!

Opa!

♪

- Eat you goat dick and shut up.

You stop laughing.