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(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Everybody inside!

Come on.
Time for your chores.

But, Sister Mary-Mengele,
the game's tied.

Can't we just play another
couple minutes? Please!

No, you can't.
Now get inside.

And pick up
that soccer can

and put it back
in the equipment shed
where it belongs.

Wait a second, Sis,
you got to hear us out.

(SINGING)
We didn't ask for this

We didn't pray for this

I may not have a sis
Or know my mother's kiss

But that doesn't
matter because

Everybody is special

We're not inconsequential

MARY-MENGELE:
Shut up!

What do you think this is,
The Sound of Music?

Get in there.
Come on.

Enough with
the singing.

One, two, three,
four, five, six

Roadrunner, roadrunner

Come on, come on, move it.
No wonder your parents
didn't want yous.

(CAR APPROACHING)

Gonna drive
past the Stop & Shop
With the radio on

I'm in love
with Massachusetts

And the neon
when it's cold outside

And the highway
when it's late at night

With the radio on

(SCREAMS)

(BABY COOING)

(GASPS)

Good Lord!

Mother Superior,
come quickly!

Oh, my!
Angels from heaven!

They're like the Holy Trinity.
I get to give them the first
bottle.

Let me give
them a bath.

Can they sleep
in my room tonight?

Now hold on, ladies.
Everyone's going
to get their turn.

NUN: It's not my turn,
get somebody else.
(SIGHING)

Sister Ricarda,
how about you?

Will you please
go tell the boys to
come down for lunch?

I would, Mother Superior,
I swear I would,

but the doctor told me
to steer clear of them
for a couple of weeks,

on account
of my nerves.

How about you,
Sister Rosemary?

Oh, yeah!
Just like the Army?

Put the black folks
on the front line. Uh-uh.

What about
Sister Mary-Mengele?
She knows how to handle them.

Oh, poor thing.
She has a toothache,
so she went to lie down.

You mean
she's asleep?

Where are the boys?

Huh.

I haven't seen a case
like this in years.

And would you look at all
that metal in her mouth.

Must be too much
iron in the water.

Don't you worry, Sis.
You're in good hands.

We'll have that
bum tooth out
in no time.

(GRUNTING)

Anesthetic.
Anesthetic.

Anesthetic.

Fifteen milligrams.
Give.

Five, ten, fifteen.

(SNORING)

(KNOCK ON DOOR)
MOTHER SUPERIOR: Boys?

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Open up, please.

It's the head penguin.
Boxcar seven on three.
Break.

One, two, three.

I said open this door.

(PRACTICING VIOLIN)

What are you
three up to?

Just dabbling
in the arts.

Indubitably.

Oh! Well,
lunch is ready.

Oh, boy. Eats.

(WHOOPING EXCITEDLY)

You're not going
to believe this.

That rich couple just called.
They're going to be
here in five minutes.

Oh, goodness!
But we're not prepared.

All right, well,
you'd better inform
all the children

and tell them to make
themselves presentable.

What about Moe,
Larry and Curly?

Well, you know
what to do,

just throw them some chew toys
and keep them out of sight.

We were thinking that

maybe this time
we could hide
the other kids

and then with a little help
from the Lord we could...

It's called
the bait and switch.

(GASPS)

Absolutely not!

Look, as much as I would love
to see those boys get adopted,

I'm afraid they're
not ready yet.

And I can't chance
scaring off another couple.

That's it! I quit.

What?
It's too dangerous

living around here
with those three boys.

I need a safer
working environment.

But where
would you go?

Don't worry about me.

I got a cousin who hauls
traps on one of those
Alaskan crab boats.

One of the crew fell off
and got eaten by sharks.

He's going to slide me
right into that slot.

You think they got
room for one more?

Okay, hold on, everybody.
Just wait a minute.

(SIGHS)

Have the boys
meet me in my office.

MRS. HARTER: I hope
you'll forgive us
for coming early.

We just couldn't
stand to wait
another day.

Oh, we understand,
Mrs. Harter.

This is a
great surprise.

We have three delightful
youngsters for you to meet.

Three?
We were under the impression
there were more than that.

Nope, that's it.
Just the three.

Children, get on in here.
Mr. And Mrs. Harter don't
have all day.

ALL: (HARMONIZING) Hello

Hello.

(HEADS KNOCK)

How precious.

Yes, I certainly
don't envy you

having to choose between
such amazing children.

The choice is easy.
I'm your guy.

That is so cute.
(TAP DANCING)

Absolutely adorable.
How long's he got?

Hmm?

He's taking
chemo, right?

No, no, no, he's
healthy as a mule.

And almost as smart.

Recede, Bojangles.

Pick me. I make the best
potato peel and eggshell
smoothies in town.

(LAUGHS)

If you choose me,
I'll let you play
with my pet rat, Nippy.

I even taught him
a few tricks.

Oh, boys
and their rodents.

Mother Superior,
may I have a glass
of milk, please?

Oh, who is this?

Hi, my name is Teddy,
and someday I'm going
to have a puppy.

MRS. HARTER:
Oh, my God!
He's wonderful.

I thought you said
there were only the three.

I never said that.
I said about three.

All right, Teddy,
get in line with
the others.

Go ahead.

(GROWLING)

Down, boy.

MOTHER SUPERIOR:
Straighten up, boys.

Mr. And Mrs. Harter
have a big decision
to make.

Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.

(SIGHS)

Teddy, this is
going to be a day
you'll never forget.

My wife and I
have decided

that our family
won't be complete

until you tell Moe
that he's coming
home with us.

What do you say, sport?
You want to be
part of a real family?

Boy, would I ever!

Thank you.
We're so excited.

If you fellas are ever
out in horse country...

(SNIFFLING)

...shopping
for a polo pony,

you'll look me up,
right?

Sure, Moe.

We'll, you know,
keep in touch.

Ah! Quit your
blubbering.

What are you trying to do?
Rain on my parade?

No, Moe.
These are tears
of joy. Honest.

Sorry.

You fellas mind
if I have something
to remember you by?

You name it, Moe.

(MOANS)

Come here,
groundhog.

(GROANS)

Thanks, fellas.

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC
PLAYING ON RADIO)

Hey, Moe,
do you know what
day today is?

No clue.

It's your birthday.

Really?

To us it is,

because today
is the day that you
came into our lives.

So, what would you like
as a birthday present?

Uh... I'm good.
This lollypop's really
hitting the spot.

(LAUGHS) Now, come on.

Come on, there's got to be
something that would
make your birthday complete.

Just go crazy, champ.
Anything your heart desires.

Well, when you
put it that way.

Well? What is it?

He, uh...

He wants us to go back
and get his two friends.

Moe.

Three youngsters
are an awful lot to
take on all at once.

Don't you see, Pop,
that's the beauty of it.

It's not going to cost
you a dime extra.

Them two termites
can bunk with me.

I'll even split
my meals with them.

Yeah, I don't know,
Moe...

And you don't have
to worry about sending
them to fancy schools

because they're not
interested in reading
or numbers.

Heavy lifting
and ditch digging,
that's their dream.

Wow.

Those guys really
mean a lot to you,
don't they?

They're all
I've ever had.

Moe's right, honey.

We can't possibly separate
these three boys.

There we go.
That's my mom talking.

Forget it!
It was a bad idea.

I don't want nothing.

Mommy, Daddy.

Please!

Don't go.

Moe!

Moe, what are you
doing back?

Uh...

I...

Come on, spill it.
What happened?

They were
full of baloney.

As soon as we got on the road,
they start spouting off

about me eating my veggies
and washing behind my ears
and chores!

Get this, they wanted me to
clean the pool and squeegee
the tennis courts.

Every week!
Oh, and by the way...

(GROANS)

That's for all the
stupid things you did
while I was gone.

I told you
he'd find out.

Come on. Let's go start
a small brushfire
and whiz it out.

(SIGHS)

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

It's 12:05
and nothing rang.

Weren't those morons
supposed to fix
the bell last week?

Have patience,
Sister Mary-Mengele,
they do their best.

At least they're working
on something in there.

Yeah, they've been
at it all morning.

Yeah, well,
I think I'll go have
a little word with them.

(HAMMERING)

When are you clowns
going to fix that...

(SAWING)

(SOUNDS STOP)

(BOYS SNORING)

I knew it.

(SNORTS)

(GROANING)

It's an earthquake.

Man the lifeboats.
Women and children
first.

(GASPS) It's Attila the Nun.
She's 100 yards out
and closing fast.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

You're lucky
I'm not in charge

or you three would've
been run out of here
a long time ago.

Now, get up on that
roof and fix the bell,
you no-good lazy bums!

(YAWNING) Who're
you calling lazy?

You! And if any of yous
have got a problem with it

you can step
forward right now.

Oh, yeah? You got
something to say?

Go ahead, champ.
Show her who's boss.

(GRUNTING AND WHOOPING)

(BONES CRACKING)
(WAILING)

(BARKING)

(SNARLING)

(WHIMPERING)

(HISSING)

BOYS: And left, right, left.
Left, right, left.

Left, right, left.
Left, right, left.

And company halt.
Drop anchor.

Here we go, here we go.
There we go.

Success.
Success.

All right,
break it up.

How're we going to get
at the bell?
It's hiding in that box.

Why don't you go buy
a toupee with some brains
in it? We'll cut it open.

Hey, onion-head,
go on back to the shed
and grab the chainsaw.

Why doesn't
Larry go?

Because
he's got a headache.
No, I don't.

How about now?
Yeah, it's coming on.

(WHISTLING)

Hey, guys,
how's it hanging?

Heya, Murph.
Hey, Murph.

Hey, Murph.

You feeling
any better?

We missed you at the
poker game last night.

I'm okay, I guess.
So, who was the big winner?

Ah! Peezer
cleaned us out.

Peezer? He's seven.

Yeah, but he wears
those sunglasses,

you can't tell
what he's thinking.

We'll check in
on you later,
Murph.

See you.
MOE: Bye, Murph.

See you, Murph.

Monsignor Ratliffe?
We weren't expecting you.

I need to speak
to Mother Superior.
It's rather urgent.

Here you go, Murph.
Look what I brought you!

Oh, boy! Cheese!

Where'd you
snag this from?

Mousetraps
up in the attic.

(SPITS)

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

Oh, come on, Murph.

You got to keep up your
cheese molecules so you
can get your strength back.

Enough with
the melodrama.

I'm sorry, Murph.
It's just,

ever since my brother,
Weezer, got shipped
to that foster home

you're all I got.

Oh, Peez, come on.
Don't start feeling sorry
for yourself again.

You think you're the only kid
in the world who ever watched
his parents drown,

then got sent to an orphanage,
then a couple of weeks later

had his only brother
dragged away kicking and
screaming? Dude, it happens.

Yeah, I know
I'm being a wuss again.

Look, Peez,
I'm not going anywhere.

You and me,
we're family now.

We're BFFs forever.

Just like
Moe, Larry and Curly.

MOE: Where's Curly
with that saw?

How should I know?

Well, come on,
let's try to pry
this thing off.

All right.
We'll get this done
the right way.

Yeah.
Watch yourself.
Wedge it.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

We're getting
nowhere fast.
Wait a minute.

Hey, mongoose,
grab that sledgehammer.

On the count of three
hit down on this thing.

You got it.

Starting to get
a half a brain
in my skull here.

One, two, three.

(GROANS)

Sorry, Moe, it was an
honest mistake, honest!

Oh, that's okay, kid.

Mistakes can happen
in the best of families.

This sledgehammer
is probably just
a tad off-kilter.

Yeah, it did feel
a little funny.

Here, let me
have a look.

Yeah, I know what you...
Ow! My neck!

How do you feel now?
All right.

That's good. Come on,
what's a matter with you?

Quit wasting time.

And there's nothing
else we can do?

I'm afraid not.

(SIGHS)

Please send for Moe,
Larry and Curly.

I better give them
the news first.

Yes, Mother Superior.

I hope you're also
going to tell them
who's responsible for this.

Oh, let's not play
the blame game, Sister.

I'll just tell them
what they need to know.

(CURLY VOCALIZING)

(HONKS)

(CHAINSAW REVVING)

Ah! Ah!

(BARKING)

(CHAINSAW IDLING)

Ah!

(HUMMING)

I got the saw, Moe.

Yeah, well,
you're too late...
(EXCLAIMING)

What's a matter with you?
You trying to hurt someone?
Why you...

(WAILING)

Oh, look.

Now look what you did.
It's not my fault.

It was a chain reaction
on the saw. See? Saw.

Oh, a punster, eh?
Where's that hammer?

No.
Where's that hammer?

Give it to me.

CURLY: No, Moe,
please! Oh, Moe!

Oh, boys.

No, no, Moe!
I'm a victim of
circumstance!

I'll circumstance you!

Those morons.

MOE: Why you!
(CURLY WAILING)

What the...

Hey! Quit horsing
around, you two.

You're disturbing
my coffee break.

Oh, boy, donuts!
Where's mine?

They're small.

Why don't you
have two?
Okay.

Ah! (SHUDDERING)

Now look what you did,
Moe! You got donut
stuck in my ears.

Hey, you're in luck.
They got a donut
remover right here.

What's a donut
remover?

It's one of these.

"Donut Remove-uh."

Huh. What are
the odds of that?

MARY-MENGELE:
Hey, mugwumps!

Mother Superior
is looking for you.

Here, let me
get it for you.

(MOE STUTTERING)
(CURLY EXCLAIMING IN PANIC)

(DINGING)

(ECHOING)

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Uh-oh! Is that
Sister Mary-Mengele?

I don't know,
but the face
rings a bell.

Remind me to gouge
your eyeballs out later.

Don't move a muscle, Sis,
we'll be right there.

Come on. Get going.
Be careful.

Here we go.

LARRY: Whoa! Whoa!

(MARY-MENGELE GROANS)

CURLY: Hey, Moe. Hey, Larry.
Fellas, do something!

Moe. Moe!

What's a matter with...
(GASPS)

Call 411! (WAILING)

Quick! Help me move
Sister M and M before
chowder-head crushes her.

Come on.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

(MARY-MENGELE GROANS)

Come on, you!

You, help out.
You, grab that bucket,
splash some water on her.

Oh!

See, I told you
there's too much
iron in the water.

Speak to me, Sis.
Say a few parables.

I save 15 % on
my car insurance.

She seems fine to me.

Come on, let's go see
what Mother Superior wants.

(CURLY WHOOPING)

(HONKING)

(SCREAMING)

Hey, look! Some wise guy
is roughing up the sisters.

Why you!

Come on.

Picking on girls, eh?

How do you like
that, pretty boy?

You think you're
pretty smooth, huh?

Squish! Squish! Squish!

Get off of him!

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Oh, I'm so sorry!
Oopsie-daisy!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

What are you doing?

We caught this lounge lizard
getting all handsy
with the nuns.

This is no
lounge lizard!

He's here on
official business.

Official business?
Why didn't you say so?

Pick me, I'll clip
your hedges.

I'll hedge
your clippers.
I'll fetch your slippers.

I'll scrub the stench
right off them dentures.

You idiots!

(ALL GROAN)

I'm not here to adopt!

This is Monsignor Ratliffe
from the diocese.

Oh, sorry about that,
Señor Ratlips.

Children, Sisters, everyone,
please gather round.

I have an
announcement to make.

Oh! Are we
getting pizza?

MOTHER SUPERIOR:
Come, come.

Pull it in.

I'm sorry to have
to tell you all this,

but due to
the recent economic downturn
and some unforeseen expenses

the orphanage will be
forced to close down
at the end of the month.

(CHILDREN EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)

But what's going to happen
to the children? And us.

Well, you sisters
will be spread
around the diocese

and the children
will be sent
to foster homes.

Oh, boy, Foster's.
That's Australian
for beer.

Would you like that
in a bottle or a mug?

I'll take it
in a mug.
You got it.

MURPH: Foster home?

Forget it! I'm not
going to end up like
Peezer's brother, Weezer.

If someone wants to
adopt me, I'll listen.

But I'm not going anywhere
where they're getting paid
to love me.

Cheer up, Murph.
There's talk of pizza.

Wait a minute, Monsignor.
There's got to be
something we can do.

Yeah, what's it going to
take to save this place?

A lot of this.
LARRY: Oh!

Well, that's doable.
How many boogers
are we talking about?

Not boogers,
dollars, you moron.

Eight hundred
and thirty thousand
of them, to be exact.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

You can't let them
close us down, Mother.
You can't!

This is our home.

Hold on there, skin-tags.
When do you need
that money by?

Thirty days.

Well, consider it done.
CURLY: That's right.

Thirty days from now we'll
have enough cash to rent
ten of these kid factories.

Oh, yeah, how?

Why, by doing
whatever it takes.

We'll climb
mountains.

We'll forge rivers.

We'll forge checks.

(LARRY LAUGHING)
MOE: Come on,
let's get packing.

Attention!

About face.

Company, march!
March! March,
march, march!

(CHILDREN WHOOPING)

LARRY: Goodbye, everybody.

Bye, guys.
Bye, you take care.

No cheating in cards.
I'll say hi to Santa.
Yeah, I will.

I'm concerned.

Those three boys
are going to be
eaten alive out there.

We're going
to try sushi.

BERNICE: They don't even
know anyone their own age.

All they know
is nuns and kids.

She's right, Mother Superior.
You know how long I've waited
for this day.

But now that it's here,
I don't know.

Well, what choice do we
have? They either leave
today or next month.

Like Moses in the desert,
I believe
the Lord will guide them

because they're
pure of heart.

And dim of wit.

MOTHER SUPERIOR: Boys.

Good luck to you.

Here's a little money
to get you through
your first few days.

Good luck, guys.

Don't worry, Peez,
you can tell Murph

we're going to be back
in a flash with the cash.

Yeah!

(CHEERING)

All right, children,
let's say goodbye.

ALL: (HARMONIZING) Goodbye

Goodbye.

(SINGING)
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine

Oh, this little
light of mine

I'm gonna
let it shine

Let it shine
Let it shine

Let it shine

(MIMICKING BASS)

This little
light of mine

Oh, Lord

I'm gonna let it shine

ROSEMARY:
I'm gonna let it

This little light of mine

I'm gonna
let it shine, yeah

I'm gonna let it shine

This little light of mine

I'm gonna let...

Shut up!

This ain't a revival,
it's an orphanage.

She's right.
Time's a-wasting.
Let's saddle up, boys.

Come on, get busy.

Seatbelt, check.
Check.

CURLY: Check.

Bell tone.

(RINGING)

Check.

Tow rope.

Check.

Hey, bunion-head,
you forgot to tie us
off to the handlebars.

I couldn't reach it
so I tied us to the
back tire.

Oh, good.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

(GROANING)

MOE: You feather-brained...
I'm warning you!

LARRY: I think
we got a flat tire.

LARRY: Maybe we should let go.

MAC: Do we really
have to knock him off?

LYDIA: What?

Why can't you
just divorce him?

You know why.
His father made me
sign a prenup.

So what? We have each other.
We don't need your husband's
money.

Maybe we don't need it.
But I want it.

Look, if you're
too much of a wuss,
just tell me...

Oh, no, no, no,
I told you.

I'm all in.

I want your hubby gone
just as badly as you do.

I'm just new at this,
that's all.

(DRUMMING AND TOOTING)

Okay. So how are we
going to do it?

What is that racket?

LARRY: $830,000.
First taker gets
a three-man working machine.

It's all spelled out
in this here contract,
folks.

That's right,
no job is too small,

we'll press your pants,
we'll shine your shoes.

We'll raid your fridge
and drink your booze.

What's a matter
with you? Quit giving
away the fine print.

Hey,
what's the idea?

Shut up.

Now smarten up, you two,
or have you forgotten

there's a bunch of
little kids counting on us?

And we've only got 27 days
left to raise that dough.

Hey, bub, your trousers are
falling down, let me help you.

Hey, man,
you trying to get
yourself capped?

Oh, no thanks,
I don't wear hats.

Why would I with a head
of hair like this?

You believe
this guy?

Crazy, man.

See you later, fellas.

I think we just found
the answer to our prayers.

Boys, we're getting
nowhere fast.

Now spread out
and go drum up
some business.

All right.
(NIPPY SQUEAKING)

Go on.

I'll go
when I'm ready.

Are you ready?

Sure, I'm ready.

Go on.

LARRY: Eight hundred
and thirty thousand bucks.

We prefer it in
hundreds, folks.

Wow, in the wrong hands,
this thing could be dangerous.

Guys, we've been
at this for days now

and all I got is
a hole in my shoe.

The kid's right.

There must be a better way to
make a living. Come on, think.

(JEOPARDY! THEME PLAYING)

(GASPS)

No. No.

(WHOOPING)

Look, he's
on to something.

Spit it out, tiger.

I can't! It's stuck.
Jar it loose, Moe.

What about a job
where you could
sleep all day,

meet beautiful
babes at night

and make millions for
doing absolutely nothing.

Oh, boy! That's genius.
So what's the job?

That is the job.
Oh, that is...

And who's
going to pay you?

The boss.

You know, it's just
crazy enough to work.

Why, you...
And you!

(GROANING)

Come on in here.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, look, Moe,
I think we got a customer.

Whoa! Would you look
at those getaway sticks.

(BARKING)

Spread out.

I'm the foreman here.
What can we do for you?

I'll pay you $830,000
for a job that won't take
you more than 10 minutes.

We'll take it,
who do we have
to murder?

(LAUGHING)

My husband.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Sorry, lady, you came
to the wrong place.

We're working stiffs,
not common crooks.

But you don't understand.
You will be doing him
a great service.

Says who?

Says me.

Who are you?
I'm her husband.

Wait a minute,
you mean to tell me,

she's planning your funeral
and you're okay with it?

Well, I know
it sounds
a bit peculiar.

No, no, no,
that doesn't sound peculiar.
This sounds peculiar.

(CHANGE CLINKING)

(CHUCKLING)
(GROANING)

Phew. Okay.

My husband is
suffering from

an incurable disease
that eventually
will kill him.

Unfortunately,
it could take a year,
possibly more.

Pain increasing daily
before I lapse into
an irreversible coma.

I had that. Only it was
just in my feet. Yeah.

It's called coma-toes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING SARCASTICALLY)

Oh, coma-toes, huh?
Yeah.

(SCREAMS)

Are they awake now?

(CURLY GROWLS)
Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

I'm sure you can understand
why I prefer to leave this
world on my own terms

rather than spend
the rest of my life
a vegetable.

I don't know.
It sounds illegal.

Wait a minute, legs,
did you say 830,000 bucks?

I did.

(WHISTLES)

That's a good day's pay.

Hey, wait a
minute, fellas.

That's exactly
the amount of money
we're looking for.

You're right.
This must be fate, time bomb.
You can count us in.

That's swell.

(GROANING)

Thank you.

Now here's what
we were thinking.
ALL: Yes?

I'd like you
to sneak into our bedroom
in the middle of the night

and smother me
while I'm sleeping.

ALL: Yes, yes.

But do not
turn on the lights.

ALL: No. No. No.

Wait a minute.
Why don't you
want the lights on?

Well, I want it
to be a surprise.

Oh, I get it,
you don't want to
see it coming, eh?

Bingo.

Hey, look, it's the guy
from that thing all the
kids are talking about.

(GASPS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(YELPING)

(GASPS)

Help, help, help!

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(MOANS SOFTLY)

That settles that.

Success.
Success.

Thank you.
Thank you.

What did you do?
That was not the plan!

What're you
yacking about?

He just said he didn't
want to see it coming.

Hey, hey.

You look like you could
use a grief massage.

Let it go. Let it go.
Try to live in the now.

Get off me!

Too soon?

(SIREN WAILING)

(SNIFFING)

Hey, you smell
garbage burning?

Ah! Ah! Ah!

(GASPS)

What are you
doing here?

We want the do-re-mi
you owe us, lady.

Yeah, 830,000 bucks.

Plus meals.

May I have
a moment, ma'am?

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Mind your
P's and Q's.

Don't forget
to dot the I's.
Certainly.

(LAUGHS)

(WHIMPERS)

I'm afraid I have
unfortunate news.

I've just received
word that Mr. Miosky
was struck by a bus.

Oh, no!
So Mac is dead?

No.

No? Are you sure?

Oh, yes.
He's still alive,
but he's in bad shape.

Your husband is
in contact with
the hospital.

He said he'd call
with any news.

Thank you,
Carbunkle.

(MOUTHING)
Oh, my God.

Come on, blondie, pay up.
A deal's a deal.

(ALL GROAN)

Our deal was that
you would get paid
when my husband died.

And on that count
you have failed
miserably.

You mean
he's still kicking?

That's right,
you idiots!

You have ruined my life,
now get out of here.

(SLAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

(BONES CRACKING)

(CURLY PANTING)

Boy, what a hothead.

Women!

Wait a second,

with her hubby
laid out in the hospital
nursing them tire tracks,

it'll be easy
pickings to slide a pillow
over the poor schlump's face

and give him the surprise
send-off he wanted.

Good thinking!
We'll be doing
the guy a favor

and making enough money
to save the orphanage.

It's like killing two
birds with one pillow.

It's colossal.
It's stupendous.

It's even mediocre.

(HONKS)
Ow!

Say, "Ah."
Ah...

Come on!

(SIGHS)

Okay, you lumps.
Just keep your
lips zippered.

I'll sweet-talk
our way in.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Hey, bulldog, how's about
being a sport...
(GROWLING)

...and letting us
visit an old pal?
What do you say?

Can't you read?
Visiting hours are over.

Even for family?
Are you family?

Certainly.
Oh, yeah?
What's your relation?

His mother and my mother
were both mothers.

You heard me,
no more visitors.

Come on.

Follow me.
I got an idea.

(SLAPPING AND PUNCHING)

(WOMEN SHRIEKING)

(CURLY BARKING)

(SCREAMING)

That the best you can do?
You're scaring the customers.

I'm sorry, I didn't
bring my false eyelashes.

Hey! What's
the big idea?

Mind your business.
Ah!

No, Moe,
what are you...
Ooh! Ooh!

Hold still.
There you go.
There.

Oh! (GIGGLES)

Now go on over to that
information desk and find out
where the hubby's room is.

Hurry.

(VOCALIZING SOFTLY)

Let me see that.

(LOUD EXPLOSION)
Ow!

Excuse me, dreamsicle,
that patient who got
hit with a bus,

what room is he in?

That would be 386.

Okay, thank you.

Say! I haven't noticed
you around here before.

I like curvy woman.

Oh! (GIGGLING)

I bet you say that
to all the gals.

What do you say,
me and you go out
Saturday night,

grab some falafel
and couple of pops? Huh?

Why wait,
when you can have
a pop right now?

How'd you make out?
Mmm...

I don't know,
I guess we'll find
out Saturday night.

No, I mean with the...
Look!

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Hey! Stop them!

In here.

Doctor?

Excuse me,
may I have a word
with these ladies?

Doctor?

Oh!

(IN DEEP VOICE)
Yes, proceed.

Thank you.

Come on, girls,
let's get these
diapers changed A-S-A-P.

(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

(BABIES COOING)

The bulldog's
still out there.

Well, come on.
Let's blend in till
the smoke clears.

But we don't know
anything about babies.

What's there to know?

You check under the hood
and if there's a leak,

you change the filter.
Come on, get busy.

CURLY: Ah! Triplicates!

Coochie coochie coo!
Coochie coochie coo!

(CHOMPS)
(GROANING IN PAIN)

(BARKS)

Ugh!

You must be French,
that's a lot of wee-wee.

All right, raise your hand,
who wants to go first?

(CURLY SPUTTERING)

Fine. You bat lead-off.

Here you go. You like that?
We'll fix you up.

(SCREAMING)

Double-crossers, eh?

Oh!

(CLATTERING)

Hiya, boys. Yeah.
Now who do we got?

(LAUGHING)

(EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY)

No, Moe! Take it easy!
Let's talk this out. Come on!

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, a pea-shooter, eh?

Yeah, I'll fix you.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Hey! Where's your
hypocritical oath?

MOE: Here it is.

(SPUTTERING)

That's it. It's on!

Freeze.

Put him down now.
Real slow.

Don't do anything stupid.
This one's got a hair-trigger.

Now slide him over.

(BABIES LAUGHING)

Any last words?

(MUTTERING)

What is going on...

(BOYS EXCLAIMING IN SURPRISE)

(CURLY WHOOPING)

"386."
Come on, this is it.

There he is.

Mongoose, turn on the tube
so nobody hears us.

Chowder-head, start
smothering him while
I wedge that door shut.

(MAN TALKING
INDISTINCTLY ON TV)

All right, bed-sores,
nap's over. Time to
get you some exercise.

Here we go. There we are.
All right. There we go. Yeah.

(MAN GROANING SOFTLY)

Okay.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

There.
Don't go nowhere.

(CURLY HUMMING)

I thought I told you
to smother him.

I am, I'm smothering him
in onions. (LAUGHING)

Good thinking, Emeril.
Yeah, let me see that.

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Look a kitty cat.

(LION GROWLS)

(MAN CONTINUES
TALKING ON TV)

Well, it's been a bad week
for Lenny the Lion.

His nasty disposition
has prompted local zoo
officials

to put the proud cat
on a short leash
inside his pen.

Zoo employees were
refusing to clean the
ornery beast's cage

after several
recent close calls.

(GRUNTING)

(CROWD CHANTING ON TV)

Uh-oh!
He's gone!

No, he ain't.
He's turtling.

We're going to need
to blast. Mutton-head,
you got any dynamite?

There we go.

(LAUGHING)

Fire in the neck hole.
Take cover.

(SNIFFING)

(GASPING)

(ALL SHUDDERING FEARFULLY)

(EXPLODES)

(SHOUTING) Nurse! Nurse!

Nurse, help!

Hey, hey, just relax,
pal, we'll have a toe
tag on you in no time.

(MUFFLED) No, no, no!
Wait! Wait! Wait!

Now what?

You don't need
to kill me anymore.
I'm cured.

Cured? What are you
babbling about,
plaster-boy?

The bus. They say it
knocked the disease
right out of me.

The doctors
couldn't believe it.
They say it's a miracle.

A miracle!
Just our luck.

(DOOR RATTLING)

Quick, hide.

(MAN GROANS)

I'm telling you
those bums are in here.

This is the room
they were looking for.

MAC: Psst!

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

NURSE: Get them!

(CURLY WHOOPING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)

Break time, ladies.

Couldn't have come
fast enough.

Huddle.
Boxcar 45 on three.

Break.
One, two, three.

LARRY:
He don't look so good.

Check his pulse.

Nothing.

You mean, he's...

Not on my watch.
Quick, get me
the paddles.

Clear!

(SIZZLING)

(SCREAMING)

It's a zombie!
Run for your life!

NURSE:
There they are!

(CURLY WHOOPING)

Uh...

Fellas,
it's too high...

(SCREAMING)

Why, you lame brains!

Hey, look!
A fire hose.

We can lower ourselves
down to the ground.

The kid's right.
It's foolproof.
Come on.

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

Why don't you watch
where you're going, bud?

I'm sorry.
100 % my fault.

Sometimes I just
get lost in
my own head and...

Moe? Larry! Curly!

Is that you?
Depends who's asking.

It's me,
Teddo J. Harter.

Who?
Teddy, from the
orphanage, Teddy.

You remember, Moe,
I went home
with your parents.

What're you trying
to pull? The Teddy
we knew was this tall

and only had
one shoe.

Yeah, and he didn't
sound like you.

Here, look.
I've got a snapshot
of me and the 'rents

leaving the orphanage.

LARRY: Hey, it is you!

I was wondering,
how are Moe's
folks doing?

They seemed
like good eggs.

Dad's doing great.
I work with him at
the law firm downtown.

But Mother, she passed on
several years ago.

Hunting accident.

Oh, sure.
Oh, yeah.

So, you boys
on Facebook?
I'll poke you.

Better yet,
I'll tweet you.
Ah!

Tweet us to dinner?
Certainly.

Hey, wait a minute,
where are you guys
living?

You know the Ritz-Carlton
on Oak Street?
Oh, sure.

Yeah, we're camped out
in the dumpster out back.

But not the dirty,
beat-up green one,

it's the shiny blue
one right next to it.

Oh!

You know,
I've got an idea.

Why don't you guys
come crash at my place?

Just until
you get your feet
back on the ground.

Oh, boy!
That sounds terrific.

We're not going
anywhere.

What are you
talking about, Moe?

(CLEARS THROAT)

Thanks, Teddy bear,
but we're going to stay put.

We got too many irons
in the fire right now.

Of course you do.

Hey, look, I got to get going,
I'm supposed to be visiting
a friend.

Wait. Let's get
a quick pic first.

What is that gadget?
This is an iPhone.

Eye-phone?

Hello? Hello?
There's nobody there.

It works better on your ear.
Here, come on everybody.

Where do you think
you're going?

Here, let me get...

Smile.

(LAUGHS)

That's great. It's so good
to see you guys, really.

You haven't
changed a bit.

You got rocks
in your head? Teddy was
trying to help us out

and you blew him off.
What gives?

We'll help
ourselves out.

Well, what about
the orphanage?
Teddy's dad has dough.

Maybe he would've given us
the 800,000 bucks.

We don't need handouts
from that chump.

We told those kids
we'd come up
with the cash

and that's just what
we're going to do.

Yeah, how?

Well, we still got that
seed money, don't we?

Seed money?

The cash
Mother Superior
gave us.

This 72 bucks
is our ticket
to riches.

Riches! (WHOOPING)
How do you figure?

Well, it's seed money, right?
What do you do with seeds?

Spit them out.

You plant them.
We'll become farmers.

Farmers? I always
wanted to be a farmer.

To the farm.
To the farm.

To the farm.

(TOOTING)

ALL: (SINGING)
A farming we will go

A farming we will go

A farming we will go
A farming we will go

Lydia, you won't believe
who I saw today.

LYDIA: Huh?
(WATER RUNNING)

I said,
you won't believe
who I ran into today.

I can't hear you, honey,
what are you saying?

When I visited Mac
at the hospital today,

I wasn't paying attention
and I literally

ran into these three
guys I haven't seen
since I was a kid.

Yeah, that's nice.

(SPITS)

Are you okay,
pudding?

I'm fine.

Anyway, I'm thinking
of inviting them to
our anniversary party.

(NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, they look like
they're a lot of fun.

LARRY: Here's a little
drink for you, Elsie.

Jonesie,
you have to hold still
in order to get a drink.

Hello, Maritza,
you're getting
your color back.

Ralphie don't
look so good.

Poor guy's
drying out.

Oh! Good for you, Ralphie,
realizing there's a problem
is half the battle.

MOE: Hey, look,
our first customer.

(CURLY WHOOPING)

What are you doing?

Only selling the
finest farm-raised salmon
in the county, that's all.

Yeah, they're all
free-range.
No nets, no cages.

They can go
wherever they want.

Plus we have
smoked salmon.

But this is
a golf course.

LARRY: So what?
We let them play through.

What's your beef?

Yeah, we're trying
to save an orphanage.

Look, are you here
to buy fish or are you
just kicking the tires?

(SIREN WAILS)

Hey! Do your job.
Cart path only.

I'll cart path you,
you little...

(BOYS EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

It's the 5-0! Scram!

You again!

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

LARRY: Oh, my back!

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Stop right there.

(CURLY WHOOPING)

Got you!

(SCREAMING)

LARRY: Hold still.

(CAR HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)

What's a matter with you?
Come on, you.

(TEETH SNAPPING)

Yah! Yah, mule! Yah!

Whoa! Easy,
Seabiscuit, easy.

We're trapped
like rats.

Speak for yourself,
rodent.

We're going to need
a battering ram.

You go that way.
I'll go this way.
Okay.

(WHEEZING)

MOE AND LARRY: Heave-Ho!

Heave-ho!

Oh! Fellas, ease up,
you're squeezing
my ankles too tight.

MOE: Quit your whining.

MOE AND LARRY: Ho!

(ALL GROAN)

That was
a close one.

What is that?
What's with the light?

I got
a better question,

why didn't
we go live with Teddy
when we had the chance?

Now we got no Teddy,
no seed money,
no nothing.

Yeah, shame on you, Moe.
You put your pride
ahead of them kids.

How dare you accuse me
of having pride!

(GRUNTING ANGRILY)

Back off.

I won't.

Okay, kid,
you got me.

You know, I'm proud
of you for finally
standing up for yourself.

Let's shake on it.
There you go.

Get out of here.

This is all your fault.
Me?

(ALL GROAN)

Sneaking up on
me, eh? And you.

Get over here.

What's a matter with you?
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Why you...

Moe, not that!
Anything but that!

Why you!
There you go!

There you go.

Get up there!

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(HEADS KNOCK)

All right.

(HEADS KNOCK)

Why you!

Stop it! Stop it, Moe!
I've had it with you.

You are the cause of
all of our problems
since day one.

How do you figure?

You should have gone and
lived with Teddy's folks

back when they
wanted to adopt you.

That way you
could have come back
and helped us all out.

But no! The great and
powerful Moe is too lazy
to squeegee the pool.

You don't know what
you're talking about.

LARRY: Oh, no?

Why do you think
we never got
another shot

at getting
adopted again?

It's because
when you messed
it up that day,

you messed it up
for all of us.

If you two got ants
in your pants, then why
don't you just leave?

I'm getting sick and
tired of looking at your
monkey-faces anyhow.

Being with you two
is like dragging around
a couple of boat anchors.

Well, fine.

Then...

Goodbye, Moe.

LARRY: Yeah.
Goodbye.

Well, what are you
waiting for?
Go on, scram!

I bet you two earthworms
won't last a day without me.

Hmph!

(DOOR SHUTS)

(APPLAUSE)

(WHOOPING)

Bravo. Brilliant.
Just brilliant.

What an original way to
showcase your personality.
By putting on a skit.

Very smart.
Huh?

That is exactly
what we're looking for.

Someone who's not
afraid of confrontation.

Who's passionate
about his opinions,
right or wrong.

That's what
America craves.

What are you
flapping about?

Oh! He's beautiful.

Congratulations, sir,

you are the
newest cast member

of the world's
number-one-rated
reality show.

CURLY: 90 % off
all our treats, folks.

We got chocolate,
vanilla, strawberry.

No reasonable offer
will be refused.

It's remarkable,
it's refreshing.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

It's repulsive.

What was that for?

I told you we'd
need more ice.

Hey, look, a zoo.
What do you say we go in
and chisel a lunch?

All right.
(PEOPLE CHANTING)

What are you waiting for?
Just go in there and do it.

What are you crazy,
el pollo loco,
in the head?

I can't just walk
in the main gates
and shoot them.

There's people in there.
There's protesters.
There's cameras everywhere.

Okay, just give me the gun
and I'll do it myself.

Why do you
gotta do that, huh?

Why do you gotta
turn everything into
me being a weakling?

I'm not being weak.

I'm being smart.

Oh, yeah.

The polar bear is found
mainly in the Arctic Circle

and the adjacent
land masses

as far south as
Newfoundland island.

The male bear you're
looking at weighs
over 1,000 pounds

and can become
quite aggressive.

When hungry,
these bears devour large
amounts of food rapidly.

Despite its fluffy fur
and teddy-bear look

the polar bear
is actually

one of the most ruthless,
predatory carnivores
on the planet.

I'm worried
about Moe.

You and me,
we're survivors,

but Moe,
I ain't sure he's got
the right social skills.

Yeah, I'm worried, too.

I don't know
how he's going to
fit in out there.

Just look at his haircut.
People must think he's insane.

Yeah.

Wait, wait.

Give me a boost.

(GRUNTING)

(HONKING)

No!
(BONES CRACKING)

Hold on, don't push!
(SCREAMING)

And hurry up!

(WHEEZING)

(DEEP GROWLING)

Penguins?

No?

(ROARING)

(WHIMPERS)

Good kitty.

I have a gun.

Don't make me use it.

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, little fella,
you want a peanut?

(CLICKING)

Dolphins love peanuts,
you know.

Here you go. Catch.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(GASPING)

Oh, my God! I think
he's snufficating.

Don't worry, pal, I know
the Heineken maneuver.

Yeah.

It ain't working.

I'm coming.

You're doing it wrong.
Get out of the way.

(ROARS)

(MOCKINGLY) I thought
I saw a pussy cat.

I did. I did.

Come on. Come on.
Come on, boy.

Who's king of
the forest now?

(GASPING)

(ROARING FIERCELY)

(MAC SCREAMS)

MAN 1 ON TV: The five times...

MAN 2 ON TV: You paid...

Get crazy, get wild
Let's party, get loud

If you wanna have fun...

Have you ever
seen this show?

Hmm?

No.

TEDDY: It's a hoot.

Let's party get loud

If you wanna have fun
and do something

Get crazy get wild

What the...

That's him.

That's who, dear?

That's Moe!
He's on TV!

(GASPS)

How's that Whynatte?

That is my
fourth or fifth.

What kind of flavor?

I like coffee, too.

Hey, I'm heading out
to 7-Eleven,

anyone up for
some gummy worms?

Yeah, maybe if they
were soaked in vodka.

By the way, why are
you even on our show?

You look like
a stretched-out
meatball.

(LAUGHS) Did not Moe
tell you that he's using
our little program

as a launching pad
to make a lot of paper

to save homeless
orphan babies?

Good luck. This guy can't
even buy the right kind of
grated cheese.

I asked for Romano,
not Parmesan, you mook.

Oh! You don't
like that cheese.
No.

MOE: Let's see what
we can do about that.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

MOE: How about
some aged cheddar,
tough guy. Come on.

What are you, crazy?
That's assault.

Here's your pepper.
Shut up.

My man!
MOE: Who asked you,
muscle-head?

Moe! You can't just
go around hitting people!

No, well,
can I do this?
Ow!

MOE: Hmm...
Rare bouquet.

Are you kidding me?
Who does this?

LARRY: Need some help,
folks, looking for our
missing friend.

$3.50 reward.
Dead or alive.

Here you are, pal,
we're missing our pal.

Hey, get over there
and staple up the rest of
these flyers on the pronto.

(HUMMING)

(BLOWING)

Aah! Thanks a lot, buddy,
now I got a hole in my head.

Quit screwing
with the public.

(GROWLS) Cut it out!
Who do you think
you are, huh?

Oh, I see.

When Moe slugs you,
it's okay,

but when Larry does it,
it's not good enough.

No, no, no, Larry,
it's good enough,
it's just that...

You're not
doing it right.

When Moe hits me,
it's just better,
you know?

You got rocks in your head.
I'm hitting you just the same.

No, you're not.
You do this.

(PUNCHING)

And Moe does this.
(BOUNCING AND KNOCKING)

And Moe
doesn't do this.
(PUNCHES)

He does this.
(HONKS)

You see?

Ah, you're right.

Come on, think.

Where would we go
if we was Moe?

Home.

Yeah.

(WHISTLES)

Lord, I feel like
going home

Where is everybody?

I've tried and I failed
and I'm tired and weary

Hello?

Anybody home?

ON TV: Hi, I'm Al Cerrone,
four-wheel drive SUVs just
like this,

with a gas-saving,
six-cylinder engine,

only $19,995.

And pick-ups,
automatic and air,
only $16,000.

Sister Ricarda.

Boys, what are you
doing here?

We've been looking
everywhere for Moe.
Have you seen him?

Yeah. I see him
almost every night on TV.

He's on that Jersey
beach-people show.

You didn't know?

Moe's a big
celebrity now.

Oh!

Good for him.

Yeah.

Looks like he didn't
need us after all.

So what happened here?
Where are all the kids?

They're closing
us down on Monday,

so we had to start
moving everyone out.

But we told you to wait.
We were
going to get the money.

You got the money?

We got the money?

Well, no,

but we're working on it.

Oh!
Oh!

At least you tried.

Peez!
Peez!

Thank God
you're still here.

They tried to
shoo me out,

but I told them
I wasn't leaving
without her.

Without who?

(BREATHING DEEPLY)

Murph?

I'm sorry, boys,
Murph is very ill.

Why isn't she
in a hospital?

Well...

MARY-MENGELE:
I'll tell you why.

Because we don't have
any medical insurance.

You should get some.
Just call that little
green alligator guy.

Okay, that's it.
I've had it with you.

Do you want to know
why we have no
medical insurance?

It's because you wombats
have caused so many
accidents over the years,

there's not a company
on this earth that will
cover us

until we pay the $830,000
we owe for previous claims.

And that's why we're
being closed down.

That's enough, Sister.

Wait. You mean the
orphanage is closing

because of us?

Check it out,
Larry, Curly,

you're responsible
for that.

You are and that
other moron.

(MURPH MOANS SOFTLY)

(MONITOR FLATLINING)
(GASPING)

Oh!

Sorry, excuse me.
(TONE STOPS)

Yes?

No, no, I want it with
custard not whipped cream.

I ordered an éclair
not a Twinkie.

You know it's funny
how freedom can make us
feel contained

Is that what you think?
Shut up.

Hey, Moe!
You, too.
Here's another one.

(CHUCKLING)

Hiya, Snook,
I got you a present.

Really? For me?

Yeah, go on, open it.
Okay.

Ow!

I'll just wait here
and listen to you
when you speak

Or scream

And every day
that you want to waste

That you want to waste,
you can

And every day that
you want to wake up...

Why you...

Now, there you go.

And every day that
you want to waste...

Why you...

You see that?

Business!

(CRYING OUT IN PAIN)

Why you...

Why you...

(BEEPING)
(SIZZLING)

(LARRY AND CURLY
LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

And every day that
you want to waste...

Kickham, Harter
and Indagroyne,
may I help you?

Yes,
I'll connect you now.

Oh! I'm sorry, sir,

but the clown college
is on the ninth floor.

Oh, no, I'm here
to see Teddy Harter.

Tell him it's
his old pal, Larry,
from the orphanage.

Oh, Teddo's not here.

He's out making arrangements
for his anniversary party.

All right, then can I
speak to his old man?

Mr. Harter is at lunch,
but he should be back soon.

Nice glasses.

Thank you.

You got a little spot there.
Let me help you out.

(SPITS)

Here you are.
Good as new.

By the way, do not
lick those. I am just
getting over pink eye.

Mr. Harter.

Just the guy
I wanted to see.

I'll take the case.
Please tell me it was
Supercuts who did this to you.

No, it's me, Larry.

Moe, Larry,
Curly, remember?

From the orphanage.

(YAPS)

Oh, my goodness.

Congratulations,
you're still in
remission.

So, what
brings you here?

Look, I'll cut to
the chase, moneybags.
We're in a jam.

The orphanage needs $830,000,
or it's going belly up.

Plus, we got a sick kid
getting fitted
for angel wings.

Terrific,
so who do we sue?

Oh, no, there's
no one to sue.

We need you
to give us the money.

Yeah.

LARRY: But we're not looking
for a handout, mind you.

We'll work off every
last penny right here
in these halls.

Yeah. Look,
I'm sorry, but I'm committed
to several other charities,

and besides, I don't have
that kind of money
just laying around,

but if you decide to sue
the orphanage, I'm in.

Mr. H, please...

I know what you're thinking,
that we're both lazy bums
like Moe,

but we're not.

Some of us aren't afraid
to get our hands dirty.

What? No.
I never thought
of Moe as lazy.

LARRY: It's all right.

That slug told us the whole
story about why you dropped
him back off.

Well, I can assure you
it had nothing to do
with his work ethic.

He was 10.

No, what happened was,
he wanted us to go
back for you two,

and frankly it was
just too much for us.

Wait. You mean

he wouldn't go
without us?

No, he wouldn't.

He was very
adamant about wanting us
to adopt all three of you

and it was just
out of the question,
you understand.

Anywho, gotta skedaddle.
Late for a meeting.

But if you ever do
want to sue anyone
for anything,

a slip in the tub,
a bone in the fish,

I'm your guy.

(SIGHS)

Hey.

Who's this lady?

That's Teddo's
wife, Lydia.

Teddy's wife?

Yup.

(SIGHS)
She's one lucky girl.

Then who's the guy
on the end?

Oh! That's Teddo's
best friend, Mac.

Then who's Mister Fancy Pants
in the top hat and scarf?

That's a snowman.

Yeah, but
what's his name?

Yeah.

Now look, either you
kick Moe off the show

or we're suing him!

Like, with a lawyer.

Court sounds
okay to me.

You know, we could probably do
a cross-promotion with Lockup.

SNOOKI:
Great, just great.

So basically what you're
saying is this whole show
is all about the ratings?

Uh... Yeah.

(ALL GROAN)

Unbelievable.

Just because
she's wearing a genius hat
doesn't mean she is one.

SECURITY: Hey!

(CURLY WHOOPING)

Onion-head.
Porcupine!

Oh, fellas.
BOTH: Moe!

Sorry, boss,
I couldn't stop them.

It's all right, Johnnie,
you're good, you're good.

Look, Moe,
we owe you an apology.

No, fellas, I'm the one
who owes you the apology.

I know sometimes
I tend to fly off
the handle.

No, you don't.
Yes, I do.

No, it's just that
you get a little
upset and you...

Shut up when
I'm apologizing.

We don't have time for that.
Teddy's in a jam.

You know that woman
who wanted us to
take out her husband?

She's married to Teddy.

No wonder she wanted us
to smother him in his sleep.

I knew I smelled a...

A rat!
(WOMEN SHRIEKING)

That's no rat.
It's Nippy.

How you doing, buddy?
I missed you, too, Nipps.

LARRY: Come on,
we got work to do.

We got to get to Teddy
before his wife does.

Come on.

Come on, Romeo.

Are you kidding me?

There's three of them?

I don't get you, Lydia.

Why would you throw
a big anniversary
party for Teddo?

I thought we were
trying to kill the guy.
We are.

I just want
lots of witnesses

for when that dope
accidently falls head
first from the balcony.

Oh!

Well,

you two are certainly
looking rather cozy.

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Good Lord, Mac,
what happened
to your face?

New kitty.

I'm going to go and
freshen up my drink.

Okay.

Mrs. Harter, may we
please go upstairs and
play in Teddo's game room?

No. You can't
go upstairs.

Teddo is busy
entertaining some of
my bridge club friends.

Go! Play with
the balloons.

But my stupid brother
popped all the balloons.
This is the last one.

We can get
more balloons.

Carol, go get
more balloons.

Yes, ma'am.

Madam. Madam.

Sir, madam.

(DOGS BARKING)

No! No!

(ALL GROAN)

Now, we got to...
Whoa! Whoa!

What's a matter with you?
You had the rudder.

Don't you know
how to drive?

It just went
out of control.

What kind of poodles
are those anyway?

Standard.

There's your problem.
I can't drive a standard.

You blithering idiots.
What do you think
you're doing?

Out of the way, 3PO,
we gotta get Teddy.

ALL: Ow!

This is an
invitation-only party.

Now, good day!

Great, now what
are we going to do?

Pierre.
Send those balloon men in
as soon as they get here.

Will do.

That's our cue, boys.
Come on.

MOE: Balloon men
coming through.

Out of our way,
these things are heavy.

There you go,
crusher.

MOE: I don't
see him anywhere.

CURLY:
I smell lobster.

Okay you two,
now spread out
and look for Teddy.

And remember,
a man's life is
at stake here.

Ah! Here you are,
short stack.

Thanks, mister.

Ah!

You're up, pal.

No thanks.
My, that's an
interesting

haircut.

Ah! Thanks, but it's
not without some help.

I have a great deal
of product in there.

Hey! Where are
your manners?

Attaboy.

(GULPING)

Mmm.

(SLURPING)

Ah!

How's the dip?

Here try it
for yourself.

Mmm.

Aspen is
so yesterday.

This season
we're thinking
of going to Banff.

Hey, JumboTron,
you seen Teddy anywhere?

No, I haven't.
How rude.

MOE: Pardon me.

What are you
grub worms doing?

Getting seconds
on lobster.

Seconds?
I thought lobster
upset your stomach.

I dipped it
in pesto-bismol.

Oh! You like
dipping, eh?
Come here.

(SNAPPING)

(SCREAMING)

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Look, it's Santy Claws.
Claws!

What did I tell you
about puns?

(YELPING)
(CLAWS SNAPPING)

(SNAPS)

(SINGING IN
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)

(SCREAMING)

(GASPS)

Ooh!
Ah!

Excuse me, I go.

What are you, trying
to get us thrown out
of here? I'll fix you.

No, Moe, no,
where is your dignity?

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

Hold still, mister,
I'll get it.

One second.

Those three idiots
are here.

The Kardashian girls?
Where are they?

The three bums.
They crashed the party.

Oh, God! We got to get
them out of here before
they ruin everything.

Madame!

May I present to you
my masterpiece.

Oh, yes!
(SCREAMING)

Somebody, help her!
(PEOPLE GASPING)

Mommy!

MOE: Think
of something,
lame brains.

Hey, look.
A balloon popper.

I'll get it.

What's the matter with you?
That's a kid up there.

Where's your
gun safety?

(GUNSHOT)

(PEOPLE SCREAM)

That was awesome!

(WAILING) No!

Mon gâteau!

Come on, fellas.
Pardon me.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Hey, fellas, wait up!

Come on.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy, Teddy,
what's the matter?

Come on, boy,
speak to me.

Who are you?

It's us, it's Moe...
Larry.

And Curly.

Guys? What are
you doing here?

All right, buddy,
we got you now.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Hey, Mac.
Oh, honey,

thanks so much
for inviting the boys
behind my back.

That ain't the only thing
she's doing behind your back.

Yeah, she wanted us
to smother you
in your sleep.

And now it looks
like she slipped you
some knock-out juice.

Lydia, what are they
talking about?

Honey, I am as
confused as you are.

All I know
is that these men
crashed our party,

and when
we tried to remove them,
they start acting crazy.

MOE: Teddy, you've known us
since you were a baby.

Why, we were
the ones who taught you
how to play with matches.

We treated you
like a little brother.
Why would we lie to you now?

Wait, Lydia...

Why am I still in bed
if the party's going on?

I'll tell you why.
(COCKS GUN)

Oh, Mac...

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

Don't even think
about it, Mac.

(SIGHING)

Real slow now,
drop it to the floor.

Not a problem.

Good work, Dad.

I had a feeling
something was going on.
But you, Mac?

I mean, you were my best pal!
Why would you do that?

It wasn't my idea.
She was calling
the shots. I swear.

No, Mac,

I was calling the shots.

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

I suggest
we finish this discussion
in a more secluded place

so as not
to ruin the party.

Yes, after all
it is my anniversary.

(CHUCKLES) Ouch.

I don't get it.
Why did it have to
come to this, Dad?

Well, son, I didn't get
rich simply by lawyering.

I married into it.

Unfortunately,
when your mom
passed away,

she left
everything to you.

So you were just using me
to do your dirty work.

(MOCKINGLY)
Oh, you cracked
the code.

(LAUGHING)

What's so funny,
Butterbean?

Nothing,
Nippy's whiskers
are tickling me.

Who's Nippy?

Him.

(SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Take it out!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Open the door!

Shoot the window out!
(GUN CLICKING)

No! It's wet!

Why would you let
the gun get wet?

AUTOMATED VOICE:
When possible,
make a legal U-turn.

(GASPING)

How long will
the air last?

Maybe five minutes
if we stay calm.

We gotta
break a window.

It's impossible.

There's 1,000 pounds of water
pressing against that glass.

Great, great!
How could this
possibly get any worse?

(BUBBLING)

(ALL GROAN IN DISGUST)

I'm sorry,
I guess the pesto-bismol
didn't help with the lobster.

Did you eat
the shells again?

I don't know.
It was on the plate
and then it wasn't.

Wait a minute!
Does anyone
have a lighter?

No.
(GRUNTS IN FRUSTRATION)

All I got are
these stupid, easy-light,
waterproof safety matches.

Why you...
Give me that!

Everybody
close your eyes!

Maybe that's
not such a...

(EXPLOSION)

(GASPING)

(CHATTERING)

MAC: Come on, come on,
what's it gonna take, huh?

Come on, what's it gonna take?
Let's make a deal.

LYDIA: Shut up!
You shut up.

I'll sing like a canary.
You name them,
I'll blame them.

I don't care.

It's ironic,
isn't it?

Here I am,
the so-called lucky
one who got adopted

and yet I never could find
the one thing that
you three have always had.

You're happy with yourselves
and with each other.
That's a real blessing.

So what can I do
to pay you guys back
for saving my life?

Funny you should ask.

Can you give us
830,000 bucks to
save the orphanage?

No.

That guy that
adopted me?

He shipped me off
to military school
when I was seven.

And then he just
tried to murder me
and run off with my wife.

And you expect me
to just give money

to the women
who handed me over
to that monster?

I'm sorry, guys,
I would do anything for
those kids and you guys,

but I can't do that.

I'm sorry.

Excuse me, Mr. Harter,
could you come over here
and give us a statement?

Yeah.

Right this way.

(NIPPY SQUEAKING)

Donut remover!

(GROANS)

When you're lost
in the rain in Juarez

And it's Easter time, too

And your gravity fails
And negativity
don't pull you through

Don't put on any airs...

(SIGHING)

MOE: We sure botched
this one pretty good.

What else is new?

I wonder what happened
to Murph and Peez
and the rest of the gang.

(SOBBING)

I sure do miss
those guys.

(CHILDREN PLAYING)

Why it's almost like I can
still hear the sweet childhood
sounds of laughter

and swimming
and tennis.

I know what you mean.

Wait a minute,
we didn't have
swimming and tennis.

And we didn't
have laughter.

Hey, fellas, look!

(GUNSHOT)

BOY: Yes!

When you got nine teammates,
you gotta pass it.
You gotta pass it.

Sister Bernice?

(EXCLAIMS FEARFULLY)

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

That's it! I told you one
at a time on that board.

You all just lost
your diving privileges
for the rest of the day!

The party's over,
you little water weasels!

What's going on here?

Oh, crud!

Come on.

Hiya, Sister.

Hello, morons.

Hey! Moe, Larry, Curly!

MOE: Hey, guys.

Hey, what's going on?
How are you guys? Hey!

Oh, boy, did we
miss you, guys!

Welcome home, guys.

You look great, Murph.

That's because
she's not sick anymore.

It turns out
I just had some form
of metal poisoning.

Nobody listens to me.

I told you
there's too much
iron in the water.

Boys! Where have you been?
We've been looking
for you everywhere.

Well, I guess we just
didn't have the nerve
to come back and tell you

we failed.

You didn't fail!
Look at our new home!

New home?
Who paid for
all this?

You did!

Huh?

The kid's right.
The money's coming
out of your pocket.

Sorry, slick,
but we don't have
that kind of dough.

Oh, you will.

See, the network has taken
the liberty of paying off
the orphanage's debts

and building the new complex.
Think of it as an advance.

All's you gotta do is
sign right here, boys.

And you three will be
the stars of our next
big reality show,

Nuns Versus Nitwits.
What do you say?

Oh, gee!

I always wanted
to be a nun.

Oh! And by the way, the
Jersey Shore kids pitched in
for the down payment.

Hey, everybody.

Oh! Hey, Teddy.
Hi, Teddy.

Gather round, everyone.
I have an announcement
to make.

Teddy and his
fiancée, Ling,

have just discovered that
our Lord and Savior
has left her barren.

So they have
decided to adopt.

(GASPING)

Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Hoy! Hoy!

Spread out!

Pick me.
I promise I'll go this
time without any fuss.

Oh! I'm sorry, boys,
but they've already decided
who they're adopting.

So, how about it, Murph?
Will you be a part
of our family?

Are you serious, dude?
Me?

And you're not even
getting paid?

Oh! Um...

Sorry, mister,
your offer is
very nice and all,

but I think you better
pick someone else.

It's okay, Murph,

you should go.

This is your
big break.

Not a chance, kid.
Not without you.

TEDDY: Well, I guess
we'll just have to
take all three of you.

What three?
I was just talking
about me and Peez.

Well, yeah, of course,

but there's also the kid that
we just sprang from the
foster home across town.

Peezer.

Weezer!

(EXCLAIMING EXCITEDLY)

(CHILDREN CHEERING)

MOTHER SUPERIOR:
Pack your bags, you three.
It's time to go home.

Three cheers
for the boys.

Hip, hip, hooray!
MARY-MENGELE:
Oh, please!

Hip, hip, hooray!
ALL: Hooray!

Hip, hip hooray!
ALL: Hooray!

Gee, it sure feels good to
not louse things up for once.

Oh, you said it.

(MARY-MENGELE YELPS)

Oh!

(EXCLAIMING FEARFULLY)

I'm gonna mash your
heads like potatoes.

(CURLY WHOOPING)

LARRY: Hey, fellas, wait!
Wait up!

Whoa! Whoa! How do you
steer this thing? Oh, boy!

Hello, everyone,
I'm Bob Farrelly.

And I'm Pete Farrelly.

And we're the guys
that made the movie
you just watched.

We want you to know that
all the stunts that were
performed in our film,

they were done
by professionals.
And all the tools,

are not real.
They're rubber.

Watch this.

Now, let's watch that
with sound effects.

(CLANGING)
Pretty cool.

Remember that
sledgehammer scene?

That, too,
made out of rubber.

Fake, isn't that
right, Bobby?

That's right, Pete.
(CLANGING)

See.
He didn't get hurt.

Remember
the eye poke?

Now let's look at that
again in slow motion.

Kids, do not poke
anyone in the eye.
It's very dangerous.

The point is, this movie
is all about
fun and games.

So please play
safe at home.

Thank you.

I'll hold your hand
when you are feeling mad at me

Yeah, when the monsters
they won't go away

The windows are closed
I'll pretend to see
what you see

"How long?" I say,
"How long will you relive
the things that are gone?"

Oh, yeah,
the devil's on your back

But I know you can
shake him off

And every day
that you want to waste

That you want
to waste, you can

And every day
that you want to wake up
You want to wake, you can

And every day that
you want to change
That you want to change, yeah

I'll help you see it through
'cause I just really
want to be with you

And every day
that you want to waste

That you want
to waste, you can

And every day
that you want to wake up
You want to wake, you can

And every day that
you want to change
That you want to change, yeah

I'll help you see it through
'cause I just really
want to be with you

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, is everybody ready?

Three stooges
Trying to make
a dollar in America

Three stooges
Trying to get a laugh
before they bury 'em

Everybody's serious
Everybody's angry

Everybody's furious
grubbing for money

Everybody's mad
Everybody's fussy

Everybody's screaming
and pushing over nothing

Three stooges
Trying to make
a dollar in America

Three stooges
Trying to get a laugh
before they bury 'em

Everybody's violent
Everybody's mean

Baby's in the bubble
Oh, no, he's causing trouble

Ugly-hardy-har-har
Hody-hody-ho

(MUTTERING GIBBERISH)

Now, don't you block, baby

Three stooges
Trying to make
a dollar in America

Three stooges

Trying to make them laugh
before they bury 'em

Three stooges

(SINGING) It's a shame
the way you mess around
with your man

It's a shame
the way you hurt me

It's a shame
the way you mess around
with your man

You're like
a child at play

(BELL CHIMES)

On a sunny day

But you play with love
and then you throw it away

Why do you use me?
Try to confuse me

How can you stand
to be so cruel?

Why don't you free me
from this prison

Where I serve
my time as your fool

Why do you use me
Try to confuse me

How can you stand
to be so cruel?

Why don't you free me
from this prison

Where I serve
my time as your fool

It's a shame
Hey

Uh!

You know it's gotta,
gotta, gotta, gotta,
gotta be a shame

Why you...

MOE:
Try to hurt me

(WHOOPS)

You know you got
my heart in chains

And I gotta complain

Because I just
won't be content
unless I...

Why, I'm gonna gouge
your eyes out, both
of you bunion-heads!

ROSEMARY:
Oh it's a shame how
you hurt each other

MOE: (IN AUTO-TUNE)
It's a shame
the way you hurt me

It's a shame
A shame

ROSEMARY:
It's a shame how
you hurt each other

You know it's gotta,
gotta, gotta

ROSEMARY:
It's a shame
How you're in trouble

It's gotta be
a shame

(VOCALIZING)

ROSEMARY:
Oh ain't it a shame
Yeah

English - US - PSDH

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