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1
00:00:07,550 --> 00:00:09,340
- (bell dings) -♪ Bom, bom,
bom, bom, bom, bom, bom ♪
2
00:00:09,385 --> 00:00:11,095
♪ Bom, bom, bom, bom,
bom, bom, bom ♪
3
00:00:11,137 --> 00:00:13,557
- ♪ Mr. Sandman... ♪
- You know, when we have kids,
4
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:14,967
we're gonna have
to go home at night.
5
00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:16,725
What? Who says?
6
00:00:16,767 --> 00:00:18,477
The We Are Not Shitty Parents
Handbook.
7
00:00:18,519 --> 00:00:20,149
- That commie rag.
- (chuckles softly)
8
00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,107
- Our kids are gonna be cool kids.
- Club kids.
9
00:00:22,148 --> 00:00:24,688
- Daylight will hurt their eyes.
- Vampire kids.
10
00:00:24,734 --> 00:00:27,534
They'll talk in slang and fall
asleep to Charlie Parker.
11
00:00:27,570 --> 00:00:30,070
- Rehab kids.
- Every kid will want to be our kid.
12
00:00:30,114 --> 00:00:32,534
You know, I saw Taffy and Dell's
baby the other day.
13
00:00:32,575 --> 00:00:35,575
- Yeah? How was it?
- Big, loud.
14
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:36,999
Needy. Like Dell.
15
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,457
If his parenting skills
are anything like
16
00:00:38,497 --> 00:00:40,787
his softball skills,
that kid is going down.
17
00:00:40,833 --> 00:00:43,423
- A lot.
- Their nursery was beautiful, though.
18
00:00:43,461 --> 00:00:46,761
They painted Babar on the
ceiling and Eloise on the walls.
19
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:48,547
- Ours will be better.
- Really?
20
00:00:48,591 --> 00:00:51,391
I'm gonna get the real Babar
and shove his ass in the closet.
21
00:00:51,427 --> 00:00:53,297
That won't be
too traumatizing for her.
22
00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,425
Or him.
23
00:00:55,473 --> 00:00:56,813
(mouthing)
24
00:00:56,849 --> 00:00:59,639
- What?
- We have the apartment now.
25
00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:02,515
Plenty of space,
parents right upstairs,
26
00:01:02,563 --> 00:01:04,153
always around to babysit...
27
00:01:04,190 --> 00:01:06,570
- Always around.
- You're doing great at work.
28
00:01:06,609 --> 00:01:09,649
- Money's coming in.
- Dresses are coming in faster.
29
00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:13,655
You think maybe... it's time?
30
00:01:13,699 --> 00:01:15,659
Hmm. I don't know.
31
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,451
We're close.
32
00:01:17,495 --> 00:01:19,655
It might be time to get serious
about trying, though.
33
00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:21,865
- Uh-huh.
- I mean really trying.
34
00:01:21,916 --> 00:01:24,336
I could stay home from work
all next week and try a lot.
35
00:01:24,376 --> 00:01:25,876
Every ten to 15 minutes
if you want.
36
00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,300
Talk about chutzpah.
37
00:01:27,338 --> 00:01:29,508
And we will try
till we get it right.
38
00:01:29,548 --> 00:01:31,878
And I am nothing
if not a perfectionist.
39
00:01:31,926 --> 00:01:33,336
Pay the check, please.
40
00:01:33,385 --> 00:01:35,425
If we have to stay in that
froufrou bedroom of ours
41
00:01:35,471 --> 00:01:37,391
for the next six months trying,
we will.
42
00:01:37,431 --> 00:01:40,811
No food, no water,
just a whole lot of trying.
43
00:01:40,851 --> 00:01:42,771
- Leave a good tip.
- I always do.
44
00:01:42,812 --> 00:01:44,272
Oh, by the way, I'm pregnant.
45
00:01:44,313 --> 00:01:45,823
Ooh, hey, a cab.
46
00:01:45,856 --> 00:01:48,106
- I'll get it.
- Did you say you're pregnant?
47
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,820
Midge? Are you serious?
48
00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,611
Wait, am I the father?
49
00:01:52,655 --> 00:01:54,865
RADIO HOST:
It's now or never.
50
00:01:56,867 --> 00:01:58,867
MIDGE:
All the tour dates have changed,
51
00:01:58,911 --> 00:02:00,331
so I need to remake
the kids' schedule.
52
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:01,961
I could have
Mrs. Moskowitz do it.
53
00:02:01,997 --> 00:02:03,917
I can make the schedule
for the kids, Joel.
54
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,588
Okay, fine. Make the schedule.
55
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:08,457
Here's this month's money.
56
00:02:08,504 --> 00:02:10,134
Now, what do we do
about Collegiate?
57
00:02:10,172 --> 00:02:11,922
It's an amazing school,
and Ethan got in.
58
00:02:11,966 --> 00:02:13,876
- We throw a party, right?
- Really?
59
00:02:13,926 --> 00:02:15,926
- That's your answer?
- It's what we wanted.
60
00:02:15,970 --> 00:02:17,390
It's what we wanted
two years ago.
61
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,009
- Things are different now.
- Ethan at Collegiate.
62
00:02:19,056 --> 00:02:20,556
Esther at Brearley.
That was the plan.
63
00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:22,229
Look, it's great he got in,
but let's face it.
64
00:02:22,268 --> 00:02:23,768
Collegiate's not cheap.
65
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,191
And we're both working now,
and we're both working nights.
66
00:02:26,230 --> 00:02:28,480
Once this club opens,
I'm fucking Dracula.
67
00:02:28,524 --> 00:02:30,824
You're on tour,
and even when you get back...
68
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,320
What are you saying, Joel?
69
00:02:33,362 --> 00:02:34,912
I think we should consider
70
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:36,947
putting him in school in Queens.
71
00:02:36,991 --> 00:02:38,331
I'm sorry. I wasn't ready.
72
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:40,287
Let me get a sip of water
so I can do a proper spit take.
73
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,157
- Midge...
- If anything calls for a spit take,
74
00:02:42,204 --> 00:02:43,664
it's the words
"school in Queens."
75
00:02:43,706 --> 00:02:45,246
Collegiate's
on the Upper West Side.
76
00:02:45,291 --> 00:02:46,921
No one in our family lives
77
00:02:46,959 --> 00:02:49,129
- on the Upper West Side.
- Have you heard of a car?
78
00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:50,959
I am gonna be at the club
every night once it opens.
79
00:02:51,005 --> 00:02:52,455
Ethan starts school in fall.
80
00:02:52,506 --> 00:02:54,336
Where are you in the fall?
Let me see.
81
00:02:54,383 --> 00:02:57,393
My, we have discovered a flair
for the dramatic, haven't we?
82
00:02:57,428 --> 00:02:59,678
Dusseldorf, Frankfurt,
Zurich, Stockholm.
83
00:02:59,722 --> 00:03:02,352
Great. So, I'll take him,
you pick him up?
84
00:03:02,391 --> 00:03:05,191
Joel, our children cannot go
to school in Queens.
85
00:03:05,227 --> 00:03:08,017
- Why?
- Because... Queens.
86
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:10,113
- Need a little more.
- He has to go to the best school.
87
00:03:10,149 --> 00:03:11,279
He has to be
with the bright kids,
88
00:03:11,317 --> 00:03:12,567
or he won't live up
to his potential.
89
00:03:12,610 --> 00:03:13,820
They say he's advanced.
90
00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,401
- Ethan?
- Yes.
91
00:03:15,446 --> 00:03:16,486
Our Ethan?
92
00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:18,120
- Yes.
- Who says that?
93
00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:19,947
- They.
- Who's they?
94
00:03:19,992 --> 00:03:22,662
- Them.
- Advanced. Ethan?
95
00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:24,253
They said he shows promise.
96
00:03:24,288 --> 00:03:25,498
- "Promise" I can buy.
- But, Joel,
97
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:27,579
"promise" can turn into
potential at Collegiate.
98
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:30,035
If he goes to Queens U,
"promise" turns into,
99
00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:32,165
"Move it, pal,
forklift coming through."
100
00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,802
First of all, if he
gets into Queens U at five,
101
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:35,169
he's definitely advanced.
102
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:37,375
And second,
I'm not the bad guy here.
103
00:03:37,426 --> 00:03:39,466
Think practically for a second.
I have to move out
104
00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:41,141
of the factory soon
or it's just weird.
105
00:03:41,180 --> 00:03:43,060
I should find an apartment
close to the club,
106
00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,178
so we can put him
in a school in Chinatown
107
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,095
if we want him to be behind
in two languages.
108
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:48,814
His grandparents live in Queens.
109
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,274
Both sets. And somebody should
be with the kids at night.
110
00:03:51,315 --> 00:03:53,105
You had to pick now
to open the club, right?
111
00:03:53,150 --> 00:03:54,740
- Great timing.
- Hey.
112
00:03:54,777 --> 00:03:56,197
Sorry about the timing,
but if you remember,
113
00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:58,356
you were supposed to be in the
homestretch of your tour by now.
114
00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:01,195
No one told me to add two months
so Shy could have a breakdown.
115
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,621
It wasn't a breakdown.
He was exhausted.
116
00:04:03,661 --> 00:04:05,411
And if Ethan goes to school
in Queens
117
00:04:05,454 --> 00:04:07,044
and later finds out
he got into Collegiate,
118
00:04:07,081 --> 00:04:08,331
he will hold it against us.
119
00:04:08,374 --> 00:04:10,794
- We won't tell him.
- Someday he will date a girl
120
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,344
whose father is the head
of Collegiate admissions,
121
00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:13,418
and he will mention
that they were
122
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:14,592
very disappointed that we didn't
123
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:15,840
put him in when he got accepted,
124
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:17,511
and then we won't be invited
to the wedding.
125
00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,429
How's he gonna meet this girl?
He'll be in Queens.
126
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:20,468
He'll go into the city.
127
00:04:20,511 --> 00:04:21,891
- We won't let him.
- He'll find a way.
128
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:23,009
We won't tell him
there's a city.
129
00:04:23,055 --> 00:04:24,135
You don't think he's gonna know
there's a city?
130
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:26,141
- Won't he read?
- He goes to school in Queens.
131
00:04:26,183 --> 00:04:27,313
Odds are fifty-fifty.
132
00:04:27,351 --> 00:04:29,231
Do you think this bit
is helping things?
133
00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,309
I don't want to fight.
134
00:04:30,354 --> 00:04:31,864
I want him to go
to Collegiate, too.
135
00:04:31,897 --> 00:04:33,477
I want him to be
with the advanced kids.
136
00:04:33,524 --> 00:04:35,864
But I can't afford it,
and we don't live there anymore.
137
00:04:39,405 --> 00:04:41,405
We don't have
to decide this now.
138
00:04:42,449 --> 00:04:43,489
Shit. I have to...
139
00:04:43,534 --> 00:04:45,584
So do I.
140
00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:49,079
- Oh, listen, I need a favor.
- Hmm?
141
00:04:49,123 --> 00:04:51,333
Talk to Imogene for Archie.
142
00:04:51,375 --> 00:04:53,585
The guy's drowning,
and she just won't melt.
143
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,587
- He's still at your place?
- Yes.
144
00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,919
He's driving everybody crazy.
145
00:04:56,964 --> 00:04:58,514
Plus, he's an insurance hazard.
146
00:04:58,549 --> 00:05:00,799
There's not a pole in the place
he hasn't slammed into.
147
00:05:00,843 --> 00:05:03,013
What's she still so mad about?
Did he...
148
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:05,063
No, no.
He's done nothing, I swear.
149
00:05:05,097 --> 00:05:07,887
He said to tell Imogene
he misses her,
150
00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:10,733
and they can go to the Poconos
every year for Christmas
151
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:12,809
if she'll just let him
come home. Please?
152
00:05:12,855 --> 00:05:14,475
Okay. I'll talk to her.
153
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,613
But I'm gonna leave
the Poconos out for now.
154
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:17,990
Archie has suffered enough.
155
00:05:17,985 --> 00:05:19,315
RADIO HOST:
It's 11:15 in the morning
156
00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,821
here in New York City.
1010 WINS.
157
00:05:21,864 --> 00:05:24,124
And here are The Crew-Cuts
with "Sh-Boom."
158
00:05:24,158 --> 00:05:26,118
("Sh-Boom"
by The Crew-Cuts playing)
159
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,000
♪ Oh, life could be a dream ♪
160
00:05:30,039 --> 00:05:32,119
I didn't pay. Sorry.
161
00:05:32,166 --> 00:05:34,286
Here.
162
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,804
I'm gonna be a father!
(chuckles)
163
00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,757
♪ I'm the only one
that you love ♪
164
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:43,757
♪ Life could be a dream,
sweetheart. ♪
165
00:05:43,802 --> 00:05:46,062
"One rarely sees anything
as mystifying
166
00:05:46,096 --> 00:05:47,886
"as the production of Miss Julie
167
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:50,481
"that took place last night
at the Barrymore Theatre.
168
00:05:50,517 --> 00:05:54,057
"The experience was almost as if
McSorley's closed early
169
00:05:54,104 --> 00:05:56,824
"and its inebriated patrons
wandered over,
170
00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:59,277
"found a copy
of Strindberg's play,
171
00:05:59,318 --> 00:06:01,448
dropped their pants
and defecated on it."
172
00:06:01,487 --> 00:06:02,777
(laughs)
173
00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,821
"The performance was so debased
174
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,775
"that one could
almost recommend it
175
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,865
"as an archeological exploration
176
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,331
"into the decay
of modern society.
177
00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,711
"However,
despite the braying jackasses
178
00:06:13,749 --> 00:06:16,789
"delighting in Ms. Lennon's
bizarre improvisations,
179
00:06:16,835 --> 00:06:20,085
"this production of Miss Julie
will be closing tonight,
180
00:06:20,130 --> 00:06:22,090
one night after it opened."
181
00:06:22,132 --> 00:06:23,302
- Jackie.
- What?
182
00:06:23,342 --> 00:06:24,642
You think I don't already know
this shit?
183
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:25,886
Shut the fuck up.
184
00:06:25,928 --> 00:06:27,598
They say there is no bad press.
185
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,428
That in your hand
is some grade A bad press.
186
00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,644
All right, fuckers. This is it.
187
00:06:32,684 --> 00:06:34,394
Washington Square Park
is to the left
188
00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:36,556
if you give a shit.
189
00:06:36,605 --> 00:06:38,565
Hot water's out again.
190
00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,027
I'm gonna go check
the water heater.
191
00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,488
Jesus, nobody wants to leave
this apartment?
192
00:06:43,529 --> 00:06:45,279
(phone ringing)
193
00:06:45,322 --> 00:06:47,122
(Susie sighs)
194
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,448
Hello.
195
00:06:51,495 --> 00:06:54,155
Hey, Suz. Listen, I have
something I need to tell you.
196
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:55,616
A-Are you sitting down?
197
00:06:55,666 --> 00:06:56,666
(snaps fingers)
198
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:00,962
Yeah.
199
00:07:01,004 --> 00:07:02,214
Mom's dead.
200
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:05,216
Oh, Jesus. You scared me
for a minute, Tess.
201
00:07:05,259 --> 00:07:07,889
Didn't need to be sitting
for that. What happened?
202
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:10,058
- Her liver strangle her in her sleep?
- No.
203
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,097
She tried to crawl out of
the window of the nursing home
204
00:07:12,141 --> 00:07:14,021
to go find some booze,
and she fell.
205
00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:15,849
- Shit.
- Three stories.
206
00:07:15,894 --> 00:07:17,234
Fuck. Bad way to go.
207
00:07:17,271 --> 00:07:18,691
No. No, she survived the fall,
208
00:07:18,730 --> 00:07:21,070
but then she rolled off the dock
into the water.
209
00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:23,398
- So she drowned?
- No. She was dog-paddling
210
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,613
back to the docks
and got hit by a boat.
211
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:26,864
Holy Christ.
212
00:07:26,905 --> 00:07:29,115
But she survived that.
They got her out,
213
00:07:29,158 --> 00:07:31,538
took her to a hospital,
and she got an infection.
214
00:07:31,577 --> 00:07:33,367
I'm sorry, is she dead yet?
215
00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,962
Yep. Choked on the meds.
216
00:07:34,997 --> 00:07:36,617
Well, lady sure knew
how to make an exit.
217
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,825
Now we got to figure out
the house.
218
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:39,625
I don't really give a shit
about that hellhole,
219
00:07:39,668 --> 00:07:41,958
- to be perfectly honest.
- You know, she left it to us.
220
00:07:42,004 --> 00:07:44,264
What? I-Impossible.
221
00:07:44,298 --> 00:07:46,468
I'm going over her will.
It says,
222
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:49,338
"The house goes to the girls,
'cause my piece of shit son
223
00:07:49,386 --> 00:07:51,096
looks and smells
just like his father."
224
00:07:51,138 --> 00:07:52,388
(chuckles):
Boy, she really hated Artie.
225
00:07:52,431 --> 00:07:54,391
(chuckles): Remember
when she tried to convince him
226
00:07:54,433 --> 00:07:55,733
he wasn't really hers
227
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,137
and he should go find
his real family?
228
00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:58,596
He was gone for a whole week.
229
00:07:58,645 --> 00:08:00,355
Yeah. That was fun.
230
00:08:00,397 --> 00:08:02,357
All right, look, I got to go.
Uh, we'll figure something out.
231
00:08:02,399 --> 00:08:05,399
- Drink something, and I'll call you later.
- Yeah.
232
00:08:08,113 --> 00:08:09,573
Hey, we ever gonna tell Chester
233
00:08:09,615 --> 00:08:11,695
there's no hot water
and no hot water heater?
234
00:08:11,742 --> 00:08:13,162
Fuck, no.
235
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:15,542
(both laugh)
236
00:08:15,579 --> 00:08:17,749
At the Button Club, gentlemen,
we will be known
237
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,629
as the spot
with the best drinks,
238
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:21,916
the best bartenders,
the best entertainment.
239
00:08:21,960 --> 00:08:25,170
Anyone who waters down the
goods, they hit the pavement.
240
00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:28,014
Anyone skims from the till,
they hit the pavement.
241
00:08:28,050 --> 00:08:31,090
I ordered five minutes ago.
Why am I not drinking yet?
242
00:08:31,136 --> 00:08:33,886
Last... crate.
243
00:08:33,931 --> 00:08:35,931
Uh-huh.
244
00:08:35,974 --> 00:08:38,984
Hey, has Midge talked
to Imogene yet?
245
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,769
I haven't heard anything,
and I don't want to call her
246
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,232
if she hasn't,
because when I call...
247
00:08:42,272 --> 00:08:43,402
she hangs up.
248
00:08:43,440 --> 00:08:44,690
And it's a real hang-up,
249
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:47,743
like a "bam," Midwestern
dairy farmer type slam.
250
00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:49,948
It's terrifying.
251
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:51,818
- Joel?
- What?
252
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,615
Midge? Imogene?
253
00:08:53,659 --> 00:08:55,449
Oh. I don't know.
254
00:08:55,494 --> 00:08:58,004
Hey, would you mind holding down
the fort for a few minutes?
255
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,288
I just want to make sure
the fuse box is secure
256
00:09:00,332 --> 00:09:01,792
so we don't have
any surprise blackouts.
257
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:04,343
Sure. Mm.
258
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:05,958
- Excuse me, could you...
- I'm married!
259
00:09:06,004 --> 00:09:08,974
- I just had a question...
- I love my wife!
260
00:09:09,007 --> 00:09:10,797
Mm-hmm.
261
00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:13,392
I want to go home.
262
00:09:13,428 --> 00:09:15,428
(loud chatter)
263
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,810
(chatter stops)
264
00:09:21,853 --> 00:09:23,983
Sorry to interrupt.
Just wanted you all to know
265
00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:26,022
that my club will be opening
a week from today,
266
00:09:26,066 --> 00:09:27,986
and you're all invited.
267
00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,566
There's gonna be good drinks,
ambiance, music,
268
00:09:30,612 --> 00:09:32,452
so come on down.
269
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:35,409
Or up, actually.
270
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:38,750
Oh, and, uh, I was hoping
271
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,867
that maybe someone
could get a message to Mei Lin?
272
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:43,004
I haven't seen her for a while.
273
00:09:43,041 --> 00:09:45,541
We, um, had a fight.
274
00:09:45,585 --> 00:09:47,795
You don't need to hear
the details, but I was an idiot.
275
00:09:47,838 --> 00:09:50,088
I tried to call her,
but the number she gave me
276
00:09:50,132 --> 00:09:52,302
isn't hers anymore
or was never hers.
277
00:09:52,342 --> 00:09:54,052
I don't know her address.
278
00:09:54,094 --> 00:09:56,854
I know she's in medical school,
but I don't know which one.
279
00:09:56,888 --> 00:10:00,348
Actually, I don't really know
anything about her.
280
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:04,772
Except...
she's got these great eyes.
281
00:10:04,813 --> 00:10:07,573
And she's smart and funny.
282
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:10,987
She's incredibly mysterious,
which is frustrating...
283
00:10:11,028 --> 00:10:12,698
and a little sexy.
284
00:10:12,738 --> 00:10:14,158
I'm sure you're all thinking,
285
00:10:14,197 --> 00:10:16,367
"How could he know so little
about the person he's dating?"
286
00:10:16,408 --> 00:10:18,038
It's strange.
287
00:10:18,076 --> 00:10:20,536
Clearly, she doesn't want me
to know a lot about her life,
288
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:23,119
and, frankly, my life's
been a mess this past year,
289
00:10:23,165 --> 00:10:25,455
so I wasn't too eager
to share, either.
290
00:10:25,500 --> 00:10:28,960
I was married,
and I cheated on my wife,
291
00:10:29,004 --> 00:10:31,264
which is not something you want
to tell your new girlfriend.
292
00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:32,878
Not that she's my girlfriend.
293
00:10:32,924 --> 00:10:34,764
I don't know what she is.
294
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:38,351
Anyhow, if you could let her
know all this, I'd be grateful.
295
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:40,638
This opening
is a pretty big deal for me,
296
00:10:40,682 --> 00:10:43,602
and it won't be the same
if she's not there.
297
00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,897
Oh, and really stress
that eyes thing.
298
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,072
I think she'll like that.
299
00:10:53,111 --> 00:10:55,661
Thanks.
300
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:05,673
(loud chatter resumes)
301
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,706
- Goulash.
- Thank you, Zelda.
302
00:11:08,752 --> 00:11:10,962
- Sour cream.
- Thank you, Zelda.
303
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,844
Noodles.
Don't forget the noodles.
304
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:15,511
Thank you, Zelda.
Do you see a pattern here?
305
00:11:15,550 --> 00:11:18,100
- What time is it?
- 7:36.
306
00:11:18,136 --> 00:11:19,806
- Four minutes left on my break.
- MOISHE: Hmm.
307
00:11:19,846 --> 00:11:21,306
What, Moishe?
308
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,968
MOISHE:
Oh, nothing.
309
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,806
I know you said the written word
can change the world.
310
00:11:25,852 --> 00:11:27,482
Well, I just looked outside,
311
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,481
and so far,
it's exactly the same.
312
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:31,273
- Oh, boy.
- MOISHE: You know, Abe,
313
00:11:31,316 --> 00:11:33,396
when my father came over here
from the old country,
314
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:35,953
he wanted a little goat farm.
315
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:37,277
Who knows why.
316
00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,872
The man was convinced
goats were the future.
317
00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,698
We lived in a tenement
on Rivington...
318
00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:45,463
12 people, two rooms...
and yet this man wanted goats.
319
00:11:45,497 --> 00:11:47,287
He pushed a cart.
He sold pickles.
320
00:11:47,332 --> 00:11:49,502
But he wanted goats.
321
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,463
- You got to pass the noodles. Quickly.
- MOISHE: In the end,
322
00:11:51,503 --> 00:11:54,303
the man dies out on a sidewalk,
pickle in his hand,
323
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:55,759
nothing in his pocket.
324
00:11:55,799 --> 00:11:57,219
No goats.
325
00:11:58,260 --> 00:11:59,930
Is there a point, Moishe?
326
00:11:59,970 --> 00:12:02,510
Really? He'd stopped.
It was over.
327
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:05,926
Sometimes what you want,
what you get...
328
00:12:05,976 --> 00:12:08,516
two very different things.
329
00:12:08,562 --> 00:12:11,482
Don't worry, though.
I am on the lookout.
330
00:12:11,523 --> 00:12:13,863
The minute I see
that the world is changing,
331
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,990
you'll be the first to know.
332
00:12:16,027 --> 00:12:19,987
But for now,
your goat is a pickle.
333
00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:22,661
- WOMAN: Zelda?
- Oh, I have to go. See you tomorrow.
334
00:12:22,701 --> 00:12:24,791
- WOMAN: Zelda!
- He's right.
335
00:12:24,828 --> 00:12:26,118
- He's never right.
- (door opens)
336
00:12:26,163 --> 00:12:27,713
I don't know what I thought
was going to happen
337
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,667
- with that article.
- It's only been a week.
338
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:32,288
You know what the op-ed
in the Times is about today?
339
00:12:32,335 --> 00:12:35,335
The explosion of the deer
population on Staten Island.
340
00:12:35,380 --> 00:12:36,510
Oh, Abe.
341
00:12:36,548 --> 00:12:37,968
Lubricious, fornicating deer.
342
00:12:38,008 --> 00:12:39,378
What should be done?
343
00:12:39,426 --> 00:12:40,636
You cannot let Moishe
get in your head.
344
00:12:40,677 --> 00:12:42,097
I absolutely forbid it.
345
00:12:42,137 --> 00:12:43,427
I'm ashamed of myself.
346
00:12:43,472 --> 00:12:45,602
Getting excited over an article,
347
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:48,230
like I won
an honorary fireman's badge
348
00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:50,598
in elementary school.
349
00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:53,015
I've made a decision, Rose.
350
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,194
- Mm.
- I am going to tutor.
351
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:58,283
- Tutor what?
- Idiots. The city's teeming with them.
352
00:12:58,320 --> 00:12:59,990
Toss a rock, hit an idiot.
353
00:13:00,030 --> 00:13:02,910
I'll tutor, I'll coach,
I'll substitute teach.
354
00:13:02,949 --> 00:13:05,739
Anything. This stops now.
355
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,195
I am going to get serious,
356
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:09,705
and I am going to get us out
of this house.
357
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,828
MOISHE:
It's 7:39 in the evening,
358
00:13:11,875 --> 00:13:15,085
and the world
is still exactly the same.
359
00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,758
(band playing "I'm Shakin'")
360
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:24,300
♪ When you touch my hand
and talk sweet talk ♪
361
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:27,556
♪ I got a knockin' in my knees
and a wobble in my walk ♪
362
00:13:27,599 --> 00:13:29,889
♪ And I'm tremblin' ♪
363
00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,895
♪ And I'm shakin' ♪
364
00:13:31,937 --> 00:13:33,517
Holy shit, it's a nightclub.
365
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:34,903
You did it, pal.
366
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,780
You think those ceiling tiles
are gonna stay up?
367
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:39,106
I used every roll of Scotch tape
I could steal from the office,
368
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:40,952
so... hope so?
369
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,527
Thanks, Archie. Really.
370
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:43,872
I couldn't have done it
without you.
371
00:13:43,907 --> 00:13:44,987
No, you could've.
372
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:46,663
But you would've had
to buy the tape.
373
00:13:46,701 --> 00:13:48,791
How do I look?
Do I look like I'm in charge?
374
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,618
Mrs. Moskowitz
looks like she's in charge.
375
00:13:50,664 --> 00:13:52,424
Yep. I should've worn a brooch.
376
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:54,627
Attracting
quite a crowd here tonight.
377
00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:56,168
♪ Comes over me ♪
378
00:13:56,211 --> 00:13:58,381
Excuse me a minute.
379
00:13:58,421 --> 00:14:01,131
♪ And I'm sweatin' ♪
380
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,134
♪ And I'm shakin' ♪
381
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:05,346
- I see you got my message.
- I did.
382
00:14:05,387 --> 00:14:07,887
Apparently you said
something weird about my eyes.
383
00:14:07,931 --> 00:14:09,891
You look beautiful tonight.
384
00:14:09,933 --> 00:14:11,893
- I brought you something.
- Oh, yeah?
385
00:14:11,935 --> 00:14:14,305
Little opening night gift.
386
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:15,734
♪ And I'm shakin' ♪
387
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,232
'Cause you're gonna run out.
388
00:14:18,275 --> 00:14:21,355
♪ Feel like I've been run
through the mill ♪
389
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:23,663
♪ I can't move around,
and I can't stand still ♪
390
00:14:23,697 --> 00:14:25,987
- I missed you.
- Well, remember that next time you're an idiot.
391
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:27,872
Ah, so they told you
I was an idiot.
392
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,409
I did not need to be told.
393
00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:32,413
♪ Samson was a mighty good man ♪
394
00:14:32,455 --> 00:14:34,415
You will do anything
for a roll of toilet paper.
395
00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:36,587
♪ Strongest in his day ♪
396
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:40,046
♪ Then along came Delilah
and clipped his wig ♪
397
00:14:40,088 --> 00:14:43,048
♪ And it looks like you took me
the same old way ♪
398
00:14:43,091 --> 00:14:45,141
♪ So I'm nervous ♪
399
00:14:45,176 --> 00:14:47,636
♪ And I'm shakin' ♪
400
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,259
Mrs. Maisel.
401
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:52,016
My goodness.
This is a surprise.
402
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:53,438
Hello, Mrs. Moskowitz.
403
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,726
- Good turnout, huh?
- It is.
404
00:14:55,770 --> 00:14:58,690
Mr. Maisel worked very hard
on the place.
405
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,862
- I'm so proud of him.
- (men laughing)
406
00:15:00,900 --> 00:15:02,940
Oh, it's a $1.50 cover charge.
407
00:15:02,986 --> 00:15:04,816
Eh, we'll catch you
on the way out, Grandma.
408
00:15:04,863 --> 00:15:07,073
Oh, dear. I'm afraid
that's not going to work.
409
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:10,905
But luckily, my nephew plays
Triple-A ball for the Yankees.
410
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,502
He's a wonderful coach.
411
00:15:12,537 --> 00:15:14,367
- I'll be at the bar.
- MOSKOWITZ: Philly!
412
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:15,714
That one's on the house.
413
00:15:15,749 --> 00:15:17,039
♪ Shakin' ♪
414
00:15:17,083 --> 00:15:19,043
Oh, no. That's a nickel, dear.
415
00:15:19,085 --> 00:15:20,745
Oh, sorry.
416
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:22,755
♪ Shakin', shakin', shakin' ♪
417
00:15:22,797 --> 00:15:24,797
♪ Shakin', yeah. ♪
418
00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,221
- (applause)
- Thanks, everyone.
419
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,259
We'll be back
after a short break.
420
00:15:32,766 --> 00:15:34,176
Come with me.
421
00:15:34,225 --> 00:15:35,885
- What? Where?
- (music plays over jukebox)
422
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,895
Midge, you're here.
423
00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:40,107
Of course I'm here.
You think I'd miss this?
424
00:15:40,148 --> 00:15:41,608
Thank you, really.
425
00:15:41,650 --> 00:15:43,440
I'd like you to meet someone.
426
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,275
Mei, this is my ex-wife, Midge.
427
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:49,281
Midge, I'd like you to meet Mei.
428
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:51,664
- You were married?
- What?
429
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:53,241
You didn't tell her
you were married?
430
00:15:53,286 --> 00:15:54,576
No, I did.
431
00:15:54,621 --> 00:15:55,751
Of course I did.
432
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:56,999
You knew that I was married.
433
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:58,170
- Nope.
- Yes.
434
00:15:58,208 --> 00:15:59,918
Wow, Joel. Wow.
435
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,419
Now, hold on just a second here.
436
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,251
- I absolute...
- (music stops abruptly)
437
00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:04,916
- (patrons groaning)
- Shit.
438
00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,224
Just a momentary problem, folks.
439
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:11,258
Can you just give me one second?
440
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,934
MAN:
Man, I just bought a drink.
441
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,722
JOEL:
I'm fixing it. Relax.
442
00:16:14,766 --> 00:16:16,136
- Archie.
- ARCHIE: I love my wife!
443
00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:17,484
Oh, coming.
444
00:16:17,519 --> 00:16:19,189
I knew he was married.
445
00:16:19,229 --> 00:16:21,019
- I figured you did.
- Good bluff.
446
00:16:21,064 --> 00:16:22,274
Back at you.
447
00:16:24,401 --> 00:16:26,951
So, you're the girlfriend.
448
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,316
And you're the wife.
449
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:31,914
I'm going to be a doctor.
450
00:16:32,951 --> 00:16:35,121
I'm gonna play the Apollo.
451
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:36,581
(patrons murmuring angrily)
452
00:16:36,621 --> 00:16:37,831
MAN:
Music!
453
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:39,832
Natives are getting restless.
454
00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,958
Excuse me.
455
00:16:56,850 --> 00:16:59,810
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
456
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,943
- Uh, I'm Midge Maisel.
- (murmuring quiets)
457
00:17:01,980 --> 00:17:04,230
- Mrs. Maisel onstage.
- (cheering, applause)
458
00:17:04,274 --> 00:17:06,074
Hey, thanks.
459
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,189
I haven't played my hometown
for a while.
460
00:17:08,236 --> 00:17:09,856
I've been touring
with Shy Baldwin
461
00:17:09,904 --> 00:17:11,204
for a few months, so...
462
00:17:11,239 --> 00:17:13,069
(cheering, applause)
463
00:17:13,116 --> 00:17:15,826
Nice to know that people
haven't forgotten me.
464
00:17:15,869 --> 00:17:18,709
- (light laughter)
- You haven't forgotten me.
465
00:17:18,747 --> 00:17:21,327
My kids have completely
forgotten me.
466
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,594
- (laughter)
- They've gotten very jaded
467
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:25,166
having a mother
in show business.
468
00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,591
I-I showed up the other day.
469
00:17:26,629 --> 00:17:28,259
My daughter pointed
to her diaper and said,
470
00:17:28,298 --> 00:17:30,258
- "Sweetie, would you get this?"
- (laughter)
471
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,180
Then she lit her cigarette,
472
00:17:32,218 --> 00:17:35,138
refilled her daiquiri bottle
and fired her agent.
473
00:17:35,180 --> 00:17:38,480
And now both her parents
are in the biz.
474
00:17:38,516 --> 00:17:39,886
Oh, yeah.
475
00:17:39,934 --> 00:17:41,274
This is what happens
when you leave.
476
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:42,401
Remember the first time?
477
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:43,807
(laughter)
478
00:17:43,855 --> 00:17:46,475
In case you don't know,
this club is owned
479
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:49,744
by my again soon to be
ex-husband, Joel Maisel.
480
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:51,198
(whooping, applause)
481
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:54,657
And I am here tonight to say...
482
00:17:54,699 --> 00:17:56,949
- that half's mine.
- (laughter)
483
00:17:56,993 --> 00:17:58,583
I'm kidding.
484
00:17:58,620 --> 00:18:00,750
Always take the side
with the bathroom.
485
00:18:00,789 --> 00:18:02,329
(laughter)
486
00:18:02,373 --> 00:18:05,843
- Joel is a great father.
- CROWD: Aw.
487
00:18:05,877 --> 00:18:08,837
And I just wanted to get up here
and tell him that,
488
00:18:08,880 --> 00:18:12,430
because we had a little tiff
earlier this week about our son.
489
00:18:12,467 --> 00:18:14,837
Our five-year-old
just got into Collegiate,
490
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:16,966
and it costs so much,
we have to sell him for parts
491
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,893
- to get the tuition.
- (laughter)
492
00:18:18,932 --> 00:18:23,652
My daughter is watching
this process very nervously.
493
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:27,266
It's so hard to raise kids
when you're married.
494
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:31,065
It's really hard to raise kids
when you're divorced.
495
00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:33,490
But it's not that hard
to raise them
496
00:18:33,530 --> 00:18:36,530
- when their dad's a great guy.
- CROWD: Aw.
497
00:18:36,574 --> 00:18:37,624
But, Joel,
there's no fucking way
498
00:18:37,659 --> 00:18:38,949
our kids are going
to school in Queens.
499
00:18:38,993 --> 00:18:40,293
I'll burn this fucking place
to the ground.
500
00:18:40,328 --> 00:18:41,788
- Have a great time, everybody.
- (cheering, applause)
501
00:18:41,830 --> 00:18:45,000
And drink up.
All proceeds go to Collegiate.
502
00:18:45,041 --> 00:18:46,631
(cheering continues)
503
00:18:46,668 --> 00:18:49,458
("'Tain't What You Do"
by Jimmie Lunceford playing)
504
00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,472
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
505
00:18:54,509 --> 00:18:56,089
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
506
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:57,545
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
507
00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,005
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
508
00:18:59,055 --> 00:19:00,265
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
509
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,846
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
510
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,561
♪ That's what gets results ♪
511
00:19:03,601 --> 00:19:04,851
♪ Mama, mama ♪
512
00:19:04,894 --> 00:19:06,104
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
513
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:07,805
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
514
00:19:07,856 --> 00:19:09,266
- (horn honks)
- ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
515
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:10,725
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
516
00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,025
- Sorry.
- ♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
517
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,778
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
518
00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,610
♪ That's what gets results ♪
519
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,485
- ♪ Oh ♪
- ♪ You can try hard ♪
520
00:19:18,533 --> 00:19:21,873
- ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪
- ♪ Don't mean a thing ♪
521
00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:25,211
- ♪ Take it easy ♪
- ♪ Breezy ♪
522
00:19:25,248 --> 00:19:27,418
♪ Then your jive will swing ♪
523
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,208
♪ Oh, it ain't what you do ♪
524
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:30,962
♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪
525
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,464
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
526
00:19:32,505 --> 00:19:34,215
♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪
527
00:19:34,257 --> 00:19:35,717
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
528
00:19:35,758 --> 00:19:37,388
♪ It's the place
that you do it ♪
529
00:19:37,427 --> 00:19:39,427
♪ That's what gets results ♪
530
00:19:39,470 --> 00:19:41,510
(sewing machines whirring)
531
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,100
Hello, Bernice.
532
00:19:47,145 --> 00:19:48,265
I've missed you.
533
00:19:48,313 --> 00:19:49,813
Hi.
534
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:54,239
Hello, girls.
535
00:19:54,277 --> 00:19:55,777
Hi.
536
00:20:00,825 --> 00:20:02,865
Manny.
You on a break again?
537
00:20:02,911 --> 00:20:04,701
How do you define "break"?
538
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:05,956
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
539
00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:07,537
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
540
00:20:07,582 --> 00:20:09,042
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
541
00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:10,593
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
542
00:20:10,627 --> 00:20:11,997
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
543
00:20:12,045 --> 00:20:13,585
♪ It's the way that you do it ♪
544
00:20:13,630 --> 00:20:15,170
♪ That's what gets results ♪
545
00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,594
♪ Mama, mama ♪
546
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:17,843
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
547
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,304
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
548
00:20:19,344 --> 00:20:20,684
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
549
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,350
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
550
00:20:22,388 --> 00:20:23,768
♪ 'Tain't what you do ♪
551
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:25,216
♪ It's the time that you do it ♪
552
00:20:25,266 --> 00:20:27,266
♪ That's what gets results ♪
553
00:20:27,310 --> 00:20:30,310
♪ ♪
554
00:20:30,355 --> 00:20:31,895
Paulette, hi.
555
00:20:31,940 --> 00:20:34,070
- Have you seen Moishe?
- Over there.
556
00:20:34,108 --> 00:20:35,318
He's over there.
557
00:20:35,360 --> 00:20:37,570
Do you notice anything,
anything at all?
558
00:20:37,612 --> 00:20:39,412
Just throw it out there.
559
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,277
- They don't match.
- They do not match.
560
00:20:41,324 --> 00:20:43,084
So, you see,
you would need to find
561
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:45,787
a very specific person
to wear these sleeves, right?
562
00:20:45,828 --> 00:20:47,328
A person whose...
563
00:20:47,372 --> 00:20:49,042
- Arms don't match?
- Exactly.
564
00:20:49,082 --> 00:20:52,092
Now, I am not saying
that this person does not exist,
565
00:20:52,126 --> 00:20:54,746
but the market is probably
small, so why don't we...
566
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,046
Make the sleeves match.
567
00:20:56,089 --> 00:20:57,669
You should be
running this place.
568
00:20:57,715 --> 00:20:59,005
Hello, Moishe.
569
00:20:59,050 --> 00:21:00,550
Well, well, well, Miriam.
570
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,303
This is a surprise.
571
00:21:02,345 --> 00:21:05,765
I was just in the neighborhood,
and I thought I'd drop in.
572
00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,597
- What did he do?
- Who?
573
00:21:07,642 --> 00:21:10,062
- My son.
- Nothing.
574
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:12,653
I just came here to talk
a little business.
575
00:21:12,689 --> 00:21:14,769
- With me?
- Yes.
576
00:21:14,816 --> 00:21:16,276
You need a dress?
577
00:21:16,317 --> 00:21:18,737
Always, but that's not
why I'm here.
578
00:21:22,407 --> 00:21:24,157
I want to buy my apartment.
579
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,950
- I'm sorry?
- Do you still own it?
580
00:21:25,994 --> 00:21:26,954
- Your apartment?
- Yes.
581
00:21:26,995 --> 00:21:28,155
The apartment I bought
582
00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:29,214
for you and Joel...
that apartment?
583
00:21:29,247 --> 00:21:30,247
That's the one.
584
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:31,579
- I do.
- How much?
585
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:32,834
- Explain.
- Well, as you know,
586
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,915
my career's really
taking off now.
587
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,841
- Your career as what?
- As a comedian.
588
00:21:36,879 --> 00:21:39,379
But you can't tell a joke.
We tried that. It didn't work.
589
00:21:39,424 --> 00:21:42,144
Be that as it may, I have been
working steadily for a year now.
590
00:21:42,176 --> 00:21:44,046
I have a chunk of
a down payment already saved.
591
00:21:44,095 --> 00:21:45,845
I have not spent a dime
of my earnings.
592
00:21:45,888 --> 00:21:47,808
My manager has been holding
onto all of my money,
593
00:21:47,849 --> 00:21:50,229
so I assure you,
none of it is going to hats.
594
00:21:50,268 --> 00:21:52,148
Are you and Joel
getting back together?
595
00:21:52,186 --> 00:21:53,976
No, we are not.
596
00:21:54,022 --> 00:21:55,362
Then why do you want
the apartment?
597
00:21:55,398 --> 00:21:56,608
For me.
598
00:21:56,649 --> 00:21:57,819
For my kids.
599
00:21:57,859 --> 00:21:59,239
For my family.
600
00:21:59,277 --> 00:22:01,527
Hold on.
By "family," you mean...
601
00:22:01,571 --> 00:22:03,991
Mama and Papa will stay with me
until they're settled.
602
00:22:04,032 --> 00:22:06,032
You have officially
piqued my interest.
603
00:22:06,075 --> 00:22:07,365
What do you think?
604
00:22:07,410 --> 00:22:09,250
Does Joel know about this?
605
00:22:09,287 --> 00:22:10,497
Moishe, this is not about Joel.
606
00:22:10,538 --> 00:22:11,868
This is about me.
607
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:13,754
I want to decide
where my children grow up
608
00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:15,001
and where they go to school.
609
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:16,293
I love that apartment.
610
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:17,915
I want to own it.
611
00:22:17,962 --> 00:22:21,802
I want to buy it with my money
that I earned.
612
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:30,314
Do you have any collateral?
613
00:22:31,768 --> 00:22:33,768
My contract with Shy Baldwin.
614
00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,401
It lays out everything.
615
00:22:35,438 --> 00:22:37,358
Six months in Europe,
a variety special in spring,
616
00:22:37,398 --> 00:22:38,778
a Christmas special in December,
617
00:22:38,816 --> 00:22:40,526
both with guaranteed
spots for me.
618
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:42,698
Christmas special,
like with Bob Hope?
619
00:22:42,737 --> 00:22:44,447
Yes, but without Bob Hope.
620
00:22:44,489 --> 00:22:45,819
Bob Hope does great specials.
621
00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:48,155
This will be a great special,
just without Bob Hope.
622
00:22:48,201 --> 00:22:50,581
If it's a Christmas special,
it should really have Bob Hope.
623
00:22:50,620 --> 00:22:52,410
What do you think, Moishe?
624
00:22:54,415 --> 00:22:57,785
I want you to know that I never
liked what my son did to you.
625
00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,875
You were a good girl.
626
00:22:59,921 --> 00:23:03,841
I will never understand
what was going through his head.
627
00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,093
I don't want any favors, Moishe.
I don't want pity.
628
00:23:06,135 --> 00:23:08,385
I don't expect you to sell
the apartment to me cheap
629
00:23:08,429 --> 00:23:10,639
- just because I'm family.
- But it would be nice.
630
00:23:10,681 --> 00:23:13,271
Well, sure. I mean, your son
did dump me, and I am family.
631
00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:16,309
Okay, that was a little funny.
632
00:23:17,480 --> 00:23:20,230
So... Moishe...
633
00:23:20,274 --> 00:23:21,654
what do you say?
634
00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:22,942
ANNOUNCER: 60 seconds to go
in the fourth round.
635
00:23:22,985 --> 00:23:24,065
The usual?
636
00:23:24,112 --> 00:23:25,912
MAN: There's no way
Patterson's gonna win.
637
00:23:25,947 --> 00:23:28,067
(indistinct chatter)
638
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:29,526
Not too much, now.
639
00:23:29,575 --> 00:23:32,405
I want it to look clean
and cool, like Miles.
640
00:23:32,453 --> 00:23:34,913
Your hair looks the same whether
he makes it clean and cool
641
00:23:34,956 --> 00:23:36,956
or he closes his eyes
and hacks away.
642
00:23:36,999 --> 00:23:39,039
- Like Miles...
- (laughter)
643
00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,665
HENRY:
Shut up, Billy.
644
00:23:40,711 --> 00:23:42,261
You're a jealous old man.
645
00:23:42,296 --> 00:23:43,756
Yeah. I'm the jealous old man
646
00:23:43,798 --> 00:23:45,088
who's paying for these haircuts.
647
00:23:45,133 --> 00:23:47,013
Yeah, well... Touché.
648
00:23:47,051 --> 00:23:49,301
If I tell him to stop right now,
you'll have half a head done.
649
00:23:49,345 --> 00:23:50,465
Good. That's good.
650
00:23:50,513 --> 00:23:51,513
I look good.
651
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:52,596
Don't I look good?!
652
00:23:52,640 --> 00:23:54,640
(all exclaiming)
653
00:23:56,269 --> 00:23:58,399
Hey, Susie, what's happening?
654
00:23:58,437 --> 00:24:00,017
- Patterson's going down.
- That was not the question.
655
00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:01,524
But it's gonna be the outcome.
656
00:24:01,566 --> 00:24:03,436
Stop moving
so the man can finish.
657
00:24:03,484 --> 00:24:04,864
What kind of rush are you in?
658
00:24:04,902 --> 00:24:06,492
There's nothing up there
for him to cut.
659
00:24:06,529 --> 00:24:07,989
There is grooming to be done.
660
00:24:08,030 --> 00:24:09,280
I'm not an animal like you.
661
00:24:09,323 --> 00:24:10,373
Susie!
662
00:24:10,408 --> 00:24:12,448
Ingo's a Viking.
Vikings win.
663
00:24:12,493 --> 00:24:15,003
That's why you see so many
Vikings walking around nowadays.
664
00:24:15,037 --> 00:24:17,037
I got five bucks
says the Viking goes down.
665
00:24:17,081 --> 00:24:19,291
- You're on.
- I got ten that says he doesn't.
666
00:24:19,333 --> 00:24:21,753
Ingo will kill Patterson again.
667
00:24:21,794 --> 00:24:23,554
Eat him and shit out
his leg whole.
668
00:24:23,588 --> 00:24:25,258
Wow. You do talk pretty.
669
00:24:25,298 --> 00:24:27,298
- I'll take that bet.
- You already bet me ten.
670
00:24:27,341 --> 00:24:29,801
- I can bet more than one person.
- With whose paycheck?
671
00:24:29,844 --> 00:24:32,104
Hey, ladies, can we get a little
quiet in the beauty parlor?
672
00:24:32,138 --> 00:24:34,018
There's a goddamn fight on.
673
00:24:34,056 --> 00:24:36,136
- Smoke this.
- Why? Did we fuck?
674
00:24:36,184 --> 00:24:38,734
You know,
you are a very tense person.
675
00:24:38,769 --> 00:24:41,109
I just thought when you said we
were gonna listen to the fight,
676
00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:42,857
that we were gonna, you know,
listen to the fight.
677
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:44,859
And catch up before the tour.
678
00:24:44,901 --> 00:24:48,031
So, Susie Myerson
and Associates...
679
00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,700
Is your client ready?
680
00:24:49,739 --> 00:24:51,159
We're having a conversation now?
681
00:24:51,199 --> 00:24:52,869
- Is she ready?
- Yeah.
682
00:24:52,909 --> 00:24:54,699
She'll be shopping right up
until curtain, but, yeah.
683
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:56,454
She's ready.
684
00:24:56,495 --> 00:24:59,615
So, what happened with you
and Sophie Lennon?
685
00:24:59,665 --> 00:25:01,205
Nothing.
I made a bad call.
686
00:25:01,250 --> 00:25:02,750
- It won't happen again.
- Sure, it will.
687
00:25:02,793 --> 00:25:03,923
I've been there.
688
00:25:03,961 --> 00:25:05,501
- Remember Nate Green?
- Who?
689
00:25:05,546 --> 00:25:07,466
I thought he was gonna set
the world on fire.
690
00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,216
Instead, he set
a liquor store on fire.
691
00:25:09,258 --> 00:25:11,138
I still take him smokes
in Attica once a month.
692
00:25:11,177 --> 00:25:12,757
- Shit.
- Yeah, you live, you learn.
693
00:25:12,803 --> 00:25:14,563
But you and Midge,
you're getting along?
694
00:25:14,597 --> 00:25:16,467
Yeah. Considering
she's gonna make me rich,
695
00:25:16,515 --> 00:25:17,805
we're getting along fine.
696
00:25:17,850 --> 00:25:19,020
She's gonna make you rich?
697
00:25:19,060 --> 00:25:20,480
Have you read your new contract?
698
00:25:20,519 --> 00:25:22,099
It's just the beginning, pal.
You'll see.
699
00:25:22,146 --> 00:25:24,516
There is no one like her
in the world.
700
00:25:24,565 --> 00:25:27,645
She's like my dirty, sparkly,
good fucking fairy.
701
00:25:27,693 --> 00:25:29,493
- Uh-oh.
- What?
702
00:25:29,528 --> 00:25:30,908
You really believe in this girl.
703
00:25:30,947 --> 00:25:32,067
Aren't I supposed to?
704
00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:33,494
- Smells like trouble.
- Why?
705
00:25:33,532 --> 00:25:35,162
Just means
you can't be objective.
706
00:25:35,201 --> 00:25:37,161
Oh, believe me,
I can be objective.
707
00:25:37,203 --> 00:25:38,663
- Mm.
- I know when she sucks.
708
00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:40,044
I know when she's an asshole,
709
00:25:40,081 --> 00:25:41,711
or dressed like
a mental patient.
710
00:25:41,749 --> 00:25:43,919
She's incredibly
high maintenance.
711
00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:45,880
I had to learn how to
sew on sequins in the dark.
712
00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:47,420
(Reggie chuckles)
713
00:25:47,463 --> 00:25:48,843
She's always late.
714
00:25:48,881 --> 00:25:50,381
You got to feed her
every two hours
715
00:25:50,424 --> 00:25:51,724
like a fucking parking meter.
716
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,009
Shit. I can't get Shy
to eat anything.
717
00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,263
That boy exists on coffee,
gin and compliments.
718
00:25:56,305 --> 00:25:57,925
I don't know how
he has the energy.
719
00:25:57,974 --> 00:25:59,684
- (chuckles)
- He's always been like that.
720
00:25:59,725 --> 00:26:02,055
Flashy, jumpy.
721
00:26:02,103 --> 00:26:03,733
But he can sing.
722
00:26:03,771 --> 00:26:05,271
Like no one else in the world.
723
00:26:05,314 --> 00:26:07,074
That's objectively speaking,
right?
724
00:26:07,108 --> 00:26:10,278
Yeah.
725
00:26:10,319 --> 00:26:15,119
It's a strange job, managing
another person's career.
726
00:26:15,157 --> 00:26:16,827
You think you're so important,
727
00:26:16,867 --> 00:26:18,737
and then suddenly,
you're running around Utah
728
00:26:18,786 --> 00:26:21,286
looking for the kind
of toothpaste Shy likes.
729
00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:23,370
Who the fuck listens to Shy
in Utah?
730
00:26:23,416 --> 00:26:24,416
(laughs)
731
00:26:24,458 --> 00:26:25,538
Now, don't get me wrong.
732
00:26:25,584 --> 00:26:27,254
I'm not complaining.
733
00:26:27,295 --> 00:26:29,415
There's good times
and bad times.
734
00:26:29,463 --> 00:26:31,593
When Shy's first record
went gold... (grunts)
735
00:26:31,632 --> 00:26:33,472
that was a good time.
736
00:26:33,509 --> 00:26:35,549
It's nice when they shine.
737
00:26:35,594 --> 00:26:39,184
You get to share in that,
shine a little yourself.
738
00:26:39,223 --> 00:26:40,933
But then
when they do bad things,
739
00:26:40,975 --> 00:26:42,515
and then you do bad things...
740
00:26:42,560 --> 00:26:44,270
- What bad things?
- Things you don't want to do.
741
00:26:44,312 --> 00:26:46,062
But you have to.
742
00:26:46,105 --> 00:26:47,515
You hate it.
You do it.
743
00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:48,765
And then you get paid.
744
00:26:48,816 --> 00:26:49,936
(men cheering)
745
00:26:49,984 --> 00:26:52,784
Oh, shit!
I do not believe this!
746
00:26:52,820 --> 00:26:55,280
- What? Don't believe what?
- HENRY: Patterson knocked out the Viking.
747
00:26:55,323 --> 00:26:56,783
What? He what?
748
00:26:56,824 --> 00:26:58,204
BILLY:
Fifth round. Left hook.
749
00:26:58,242 --> 00:27:00,792
- Boom!
- Sent him to Valhalla.
750
00:27:00,828 --> 00:27:02,458
SLIM:
The man still hasn't gotten up.
751
00:27:02,496 --> 00:27:04,116
BILLY: Why are you so happy?
You just lost.
752
00:27:04,165 --> 00:27:06,325
SLIM: You gotta admire
a job well done.
753
00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:09,745
Okay, Henry, now you won,
and I owe you this debt,
754
00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:12,585
but I am still in charge
of the rest of your life,
755
00:27:12,631 --> 00:27:14,431
so this next moment
will officially define
756
00:27:14,467 --> 00:27:16,007
our relationship.
757
00:27:16,052 --> 00:27:17,392
You don't have to pay me.
758
00:27:17,428 --> 00:27:19,008
- It's fine.
- Excellent definition.
759
00:27:19,055 --> 00:27:22,135
Nothing beats fear
when it comes to gambling.
760
00:27:22,183 --> 00:27:24,143
(laughter)
761
00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,345
You okay?
762
00:27:26,395 --> 00:27:27,725
You look like you're on a plane.
763
00:27:27,772 --> 00:27:29,572
Yeah. I'm just...
764
00:27:29,607 --> 00:27:31,607
I mean, he had him in round two.
He had him.
765
00:27:31,650 --> 00:27:34,400
Ah... Susie lost some money!
766
00:27:34,445 --> 00:27:35,695
(men exclaiming)
767
00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:36,948
(laughter)
768
00:27:36,989 --> 00:27:38,279
How much you lose?
769
00:27:38,324 --> 00:27:40,204
Come on, I lost, too.
770
00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,042
I mean, I didn't have to pay,
but I still lost.
771
00:27:42,078 --> 00:27:43,498
How much did you lose?
772
00:27:43,537 --> 00:27:45,367
Hey! How much did Susie lose?
773
00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:46,624
SLIM:
Don't look at me.
774
00:27:46,665 --> 00:27:48,125
Come on, who'd you bet with?
775
00:27:48,167 --> 00:27:50,377
I'll take care of it.
776
00:27:50,419 --> 00:27:51,839
Who'd you bet with?
777
00:27:51,879 --> 00:27:53,129
It's not a big deal.
778
00:27:53,172 --> 00:27:54,382
How much did you lose?
779
00:27:54,423 --> 00:27:56,183
I'm good.
780
00:27:56,217 --> 00:27:57,797
Susie, how much did you lose?
781
00:27:57,843 --> 00:27:59,353
I'm fine.
782
00:27:59,387 --> 00:28:01,927
I have a meeting.
I have to go.
783
00:28:01,972 --> 00:28:03,892
MAN:
Hey, we won big.
784
00:28:03,933 --> 00:28:05,183
Let me borrow some
so I can pay him.
785
00:28:05,226 --> 00:28:06,806
(door closes)
786
00:28:10,773 --> 00:28:12,863
Somebody used the fondue pot
787
00:28:12,900 --> 00:28:15,570
for something other
than fondue.
788
00:28:15,611 --> 00:28:19,621
Now, I'm not saying it was you,
but it was fucking you.
789
00:28:21,075 --> 00:28:23,285
Hey, you okay?
790
00:28:23,327 --> 00:28:25,327
(crying)
791
00:28:33,087 --> 00:28:35,087
(sobbing)
792
00:28:43,556 --> 00:28:46,926
(classical music playing)
793
00:28:46,976 --> 00:28:48,346
Rose.
794
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:49,654
Oh, my God.
795
00:28:49,687 --> 00:28:51,687
I'm so glad you're here.
Oh, I'm dying.
796
00:28:51,730 --> 00:28:52,940
Dying.
797
00:28:52,982 --> 00:28:54,572
- Do you need this?
- Why, no.
798
00:28:54,608 --> 00:28:56,398
Good.
799
00:28:56,444 --> 00:28:58,364
You'll never believe it.
800
00:28:58,404 --> 00:29:00,664
I can't believe it.
No one around me can believe it.
801
00:29:00,698 --> 00:29:01,778
Slow down, Corinne.
You'll bite your tongue.
802
00:29:01,824 --> 00:29:03,914
- It worked.
- What worked?
803
00:29:03,951 --> 00:29:06,661
- Shira, my daughter, is engaged.
- What?
804
00:29:06,704 --> 00:29:08,044
To the veterinarian.
805
00:29:08,080 --> 00:29:09,830
One date.
That's all it took.
806
00:29:09,874 --> 00:29:12,334
When she told me,
I was so stunned
807
00:29:12,376 --> 00:29:14,416
that I agreed to pay
for a wedding in Hawaii.
808
00:29:14,462 --> 00:29:16,012
Hawaii.
809
00:29:16,046 --> 00:29:17,716
- Who the hell do we know in Hawaii?
- (gasps)
810
00:29:17,756 --> 00:29:20,046
No one.
Who cares?
811
00:29:20,092 --> 00:29:22,892
She wants grass skirts and
ukuleles and I'm not arguing.
812
00:29:22,928 --> 00:29:24,638
She's getting married.
813
00:29:24,680 --> 00:29:26,930
Wait.
Sit there.
814
00:29:30,102 --> 00:29:32,732
For you.
815
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,401
A token of my gratitude.
816
00:29:39,236 --> 00:29:41,106
Your Steuben glassware...
817
00:29:41,155 --> 00:29:43,315
I noticed you always
admired them when you came over.
818
00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:45,575
- I can't.
- I insist.
819
00:29:45,618 --> 00:29:47,448
They must be worth a fortune.
820
00:29:47,495 --> 00:29:49,995
Do you know what I would've paid
to see my daughter married off?
821
00:29:50,039 --> 00:29:51,209
Anything.
822
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:52,458
Here, take my wedding ring.
823
00:29:52,500 --> 00:29:54,340
No. The glasses are plenty.
824
00:29:54,376 --> 00:29:55,626
I have been crowing
all over the neighborhood.
825
00:29:55,669 --> 00:29:57,129
Bragging.
826
00:29:57,171 --> 00:29:58,761
I told Judy Kramer
that it was all your idea
827
00:29:58,797 --> 00:30:00,127
and she asked for your number.
828
00:30:00,174 --> 00:30:01,764
- Why?
- Her daughter.
829
00:30:01,800 --> 00:30:03,970
You know,
the tall one with the face?
830
00:30:04,011 --> 00:30:06,011
Oh, yes.
Poor thing.
831
00:30:06,055 --> 00:30:08,715
To look like that and be tall
enough for everyone to see.
832
00:30:08,766 --> 00:30:11,976
Well, she was working in Toronto
for a few months.
833
00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:14,059
She just came back... gorgeous.
834
00:30:14,104 --> 00:30:16,444
- What?
- Stunning. No idea.
835
00:30:16,482 --> 00:30:19,362
Only now, she has
an ugly girl's personality
836
00:30:19,401 --> 00:30:21,741
in a pretty girl's body,
and everybody is confused.
837
00:30:21,779 --> 00:30:23,569
- Well, that can be tricky.
- Like Hedy Lamarr,
838
00:30:23,614 --> 00:30:26,334
- but she falls a lot.
- Well, she's not used to heels.
839
00:30:26,367 --> 00:30:28,947
Judy doesn't know what to do
with her, and she thought,
840
00:30:28,994 --> 00:30:30,664
with your matchmaking skills,
you could help.
841
00:30:30,704 --> 00:30:33,084
I told her, of course
you could help. Word of Shira
842
00:30:33,123 --> 00:30:35,383
has swept the garden club
like wildfire.
843
00:30:35,417 --> 00:30:36,707
My goodness.
844
00:30:36,752 --> 00:30:38,712
You are going to be a busy lady.
845
00:30:38,754 --> 00:30:40,134
Okay.
846
00:30:40,172 --> 00:30:41,842
I saw you.
847
00:30:41,882 --> 00:30:44,052
You have the glasses.
I have to go.
848
00:30:44,093 --> 00:30:46,053
- What's poi?
- I don't know.
849
00:30:46,095 --> 00:30:47,805
I'll figure it out.
You're a genius.
850
00:30:47,846 --> 00:30:49,266
Thank you for the glasses.
851
00:30:49,306 --> 00:30:51,556
I may actually have
a grandchild.
852
00:30:51,600 --> 00:30:54,650
That's worth more than
all the glasses in the world.
853
00:30:54,687 --> 00:30:56,607
You sure
you don't want the ring?
854
00:30:56,647 --> 00:30:58,187
- I'm sure.
- Okay.
855
00:30:58,232 --> 00:30:59,862
See you later, Rose.
856
00:30:59,900 --> 00:31:01,900
See you later.
857
00:31:07,575 --> 00:31:09,445
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Dr. Thomas to Intensive Care.
858
00:31:09,493 --> 00:31:11,253
Morning, Donna.
I know I'm behind,
859
00:31:11,287 --> 00:31:13,327
but there's a very good
explana... Oh, boy.
860
00:31:13,372 --> 00:31:16,582
Rose. Again.
What a nice surprise. Again.
861
00:31:16,625 --> 00:31:18,705
Benjamin,
have I got a girl for you.
862
00:31:18,752 --> 00:31:20,252
- A...
- Judy Kramer's daughter.
863
00:31:20,296 --> 00:31:22,416
- Judy who?
- Judy Kramer.
864
00:31:22,464 --> 00:31:24,844
- Your mother knows her. Anyhow.
- Oh, good.
865
00:31:24,883 --> 00:31:27,853
Her daughter... very bright,
like you; very tall, like you.
866
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,386
She used to look terrible,
but now she's beautiful,
867
00:31:30,431 --> 00:31:32,811
though still very clumsy,
which I think will work nicely
868
00:31:32,850 --> 00:31:35,390
because it's a little weird.
Get it? Weird?
869
00:31:35,436 --> 00:31:37,436
Rose, it is very sweet of you
to think about this,
870
00:31:37,479 --> 00:31:40,019
- but really, I'm doing just...
- Miriam doesn't have to be
871
00:31:40,065 --> 00:31:41,435
the last girl for you.
I was right once.
872
00:31:41,483 --> 00:31:43,693
- I can be right again.
- Rose, I promise you, I'm fine.
873
00:31:43,736 --> 00:31:45,146
- You know, you won't be this handsome forever.
- Well,
874
00:31:45,195 --> 00:31:47,195
I have a painting in my attic
that would prove otherwise.
875
00:31:47,239 --> 00:31:49,869
See? Clever.
Judy's daughter's clever, too.
876
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,578
I know I'm right about this.
877
00:31:51,619 --> 00:31:55,869
Rose, I really have to get back
to... bleeding people.
878
00:31:55,914 --> 00:31:58,044
Oh, okay. We don't have
to decide this right now, but...
879
00:31:58,083 --> 00:32:00,253
Excuse me.
880
00:32:00,294 --> 00:32:04,264
Here. You'll know where
to find me when you're ready.
881
00:32:06,300 --> 00:32:08,300
Don't wait too long to be happy.
882
00:32:12,181 --> 00:32:15,431
- ♪ ♪
- (horn honks)
883
00:32:15,476 --> 00:32:17,516
Taxi!
884
00:32:19,563 --> 00:32:21,523
MAN:
Hey, asshole.
885
00:32:21,565 --> 00:32:23,395
WOMAN:
Oh...
886
00:32:25,110 --> 00:32:27,280
Excuse me, sir.
887
00:32:27,321 --> 00:32:29,781
Did you throw a tomato at me?
888
00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:32,163
If you did,
I assume it was an accident,
889
00:32:32,201 --> 00:32:34,331
and I'm willing
to accept an apology.
890
00:32:34,370 --> 00:32:38,000
MAN:
I... apologize.
891
00:32:46,090 --> 00:32:48,180
- ABE: Rose.
- Oh, my! Abe.
892
00:32:48,217 --> 00:32:50,797
You scared the living daylights
out of me.
893
00:32:50,844 --> 00:32:52,434
What on earth?
894
00:32:52,471 --> 00:32:53,931
What happened to you?
895
00:32:53,972 --> 00:32:55,682
The most wonderful thing.
896
00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,484
Wonderful?
Your nose is bleeding.
897
00:32:57,518 --> 00:32:59,138
A man threw a tomato at me.
898
00:32:59,186 --> 00:33:00,766
- He what?
- Three tomatoes, actually.
899
00:33:00,813 --> 00:33:02,653
He threw three tomatoes at me
point blank.
900
00:33:02,690 --> 00:33:04,730
- Abe...
- I gave him a chance to apologize.
901
00:33:04,775 --> 00:33:07,145
- He didn't take it, so I pushed him.
- You what?
902
00:33:07,194 --> 00:33:10,534
I physically put my two hands
on his chest and pushed him.
903
00:33:10,572 --> 00:33:12,572
And then, he pushed me back,
so I pushed him back.
904
00:33:12,616 --> 00:33:14,446
And then he pushed me back,
and before I knew it,
905
00:33:14,493 --> 00:33:16,163
we were fighting!
Well, sort of.
906
00:33:16,203 --> 00:33:19,373
It was more of a freeform
grapple than actual fisticuffs,
907
00:33:19,415 --> 00:33:21,955
but we scuffled like dandies,
and fell in the street.
908
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,790
We almost got hit
by a garbage truck,
909
00:33:23,836 --> 00:33:25,166
but it was going very slowly,
910
00:33:25,212 --> 00:33:27,382
so we managed
to roll out of the way.
911
00:33:27,423 --> 00:33:29,803
Abe, this is terrible. You were
assaulted by a stranger.
912
00:33:29,842 --> 00:33:32,302
No, Rose, not a stranger.
913
00:33:32,344 --> 00:33:33,974
David Merrick.
914
00:33:34,012 --> 00:33:36,012
David Merrick?
Who is that, a gangster?
915
00:33:36,056 --> 00:33:37,676
Kind of.
He's a Broadway producer.
916
00:33:37,725 --> 00:33:40,055
And, Rose... he read it.
917
00:33:40,102 --> 00:33:43,732
David Merrick read my piece,
and he despised it.
918
00:33:43,772 --> 00:33:45,322
His assistants, too.
919
00:33:45,357 --> 00:33:47,357
They pushed me around a little,
as well.
920
00:33:47,401 --> 00:33:48,941
They hate me.
921
00:33:48,986 --> 00:33:50,986
They all absolutely hate me.
922
00:33:51,029 --> 00:33:53,159
Well, terrific.
923
00:33:53,198 --> 00:33:54,578
Don't you understand?
924
00:33:54,616 --> 00:33:56,366
My piece... it got to them.
925
00:33:56,410 --> 00:33:58,910
My words incited theater people,
926
00:33:58,954 --> 00:34:01,004
people who make a living
sitting down.
927
00:34:01,039 --> 00:34:02,829
It incited them to get up
928
00:34:02,875 --> 00:34:04,835
and commit an act
of physical violence!
929
00:34:04,877 --> 00:34:07,417
Abe, I think this must have been
a very underripe tomato,
930
00:34:07,463 --> 00:34:09,633
and it hit you in the head.
You are possibly concussed.
931
00:34:09,673 --> 00:34:13,013
No. Rose, it was a perfectly
ripe, beautiful tomato.
932
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:14,801
It would have made
a wonderful salad.
933
00:34:14,845 --> 00:34:16,965
And instead,
it was meant for me.
934
00:34:17,014 --> 00:34:18,854
Can I please take you
to the doctor?
935
00:34:18,891 --> 00:34:20,521
Moishe was wrong.
936
00:34:20,559 --> 00:34:22,439
His father should have opened
that goat farm.
937
00:34:22,478 --> 00:34:26,228
And the written word...
it's going to change the world.
938
00:34:30,861 --> 00:34:32,991
Here we go, Rosie.
939
00:34:33,030 --> 00:34:35,030
Moishe! Buy a goat!
940
00:34:35,073 --> 00:34:36,703
The world is changing!
941
00:34:36,742 --> 00:34:38,162
MOISHE:
Don't come in here!
942
00:34:38,202 --> 00:34:40,002
- I'm not wearing pants.
- ABE: Pants be damned.
943
00:34:40,037 --> 00:34:41,537
(laughing)
944
00:34:41,580 --> 00:34:44,000
Well, this is lovely, isn't it?
945
00:34:44,041 --> 00:34:45,921
Perfect weather,
like out of a movie.
946
00:34:45,959 --> 00:34:48,799
And in this movie, what does
the spunky brunette want to talk
947
00:34:48,837 --> 00:34:50,207
to the little blonde dish about?
948
00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,965
What do you mean?
949
00:34:52,007 --> 00:34:54,047
The brunette just wanted to
spend time with the dish, and...
950
00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:55,722
- Archie wants to come home.
- Oh, I knew it.
951
00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:57,601
Imogene, he's dying.
Give him a break.
952
00:34:57,638 --> 00:34:59,258
You know, when we first
started dating,
953
00:34:59,306 --> 00:35:01,136
Archie would sit outside
my house for hours.
954
00:35:01,183 --> 00:35:03,483
The police never arrested him
because, you know, he's Archie.
955
00:35:03,519 --> 00:35:05,689
- He looks like a choirboy. He was a choirboy.
- Oh.
956
00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:07,229
He's got a lovely baritone,
by the way.
957
00:35:07,272 --> 00:35:08,732
But they would shoo him off.
958
00:35:08,774 --> 00:35:10,284
And the next day,
he'd be right back there,
959
00:35:10,317 --> 00:35:12,027
sitting in the tree
next to my bedroom window.
960
00:35:12,069 --> 00:35:13,819
Romantic.
With just a hint of creepy.
961
00:35:13,862 --> 00:35:15,612
I thought
he'd be in my tree forever.
962
00:35:15,656 --> 00:35:17,316
He will be.
963
00:35:17,366 --> 00:35:19,156
Imogene, really, do you honestly
think that Archie would...
964
00:35:19,201 --> 00:35:21,621
Stay out every night doing God
knows what with God knows who?
965
00:35:21,662 --> 00:35:23,912
He was painting walls and
sanding floorboards with Joel.
966
00:35:23,956 --> 00:35:25,786
Oh, is that what
they're calling it these days?
967
00:35:25,833 --> 00:35:27,173
- Imogene...
- Painting walls.
968
00:35:27,209 --> 00:35:28,709
- Seriously...
- Sanding floorboards.
969
00:35:28,752 --> 00:35:30,552
- Okay.
- He wasn't fixing up Joel's club.
970
00:35:30,587 --> 00:35:32,797
He was imagining what it would
be like to not have a family,
971
00:35:32,840 --> 00:35:34,930
to not have three children,
to not be married to me.
972
00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:37,007
That's what he was doing
every night, with Joel.
973
00:35:37,052 --> 00:35:40,312
Okay, maybe for a moment,
but, Imogene, he is miserable.
974
00:35:40,347 --> 00:35:42,307
He wants nothing more
than to come home.
975
00:35:42,349 --> 00:35:43,979
I would not be standing here
saying this
976
00:35:44,017 --> 00:35:46,017
if I did not believe it
with my whole heart.
977
00:35:46,061 --> 00:35:47,731
- Really?
- Yes.
978
00:35:47,771 --> 00:35:49,521
You, who had her husband
walk out on her,
979
00:35:49,565 --> 00:35:51,435
who saw her whole life
blow up in her face,
980
00:35:51,483 --> 00:35:53,323
you honestly believe
that if I let him come back,
981
00:35:53,360 --> 00:35:55,110
all will be well,
and nothing like what happened
982
00:35:55,153 --> 00:35:56,613
to you will ever happen to me?
983
00:35:56,655 --> 00:35:58,735
Yes, Imogene, I absolutely do.
984
00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:03,252
Okay.
985
00:36:03,287 --> 00:36:05,787
("Feeling Good"
by Nina Simone playing)
986
00:36:15,591 --> 00:36:17,801
♪ Fish in the sea ♪
987
00:36:17,843 --> 00:36:21,643
♪ You know how I feel ♪
988
00:36:21,680 --> 00:36:24,310
♪ River running free ♪
989
00:36:24,349 --> 00:36:28,099
♪ You know how I feel ♪
990
00:36:28,145 --> 00:36:30,395
♪ Blossom on the tree ♪
991
00:36:30,439 --> 00:36:32,569
♪ You know how I feel ♪
992
00:36:32,608 --> 00:36:34,568
♪ It's a new dawn ♪
993
00:36:34,610 --> 00:36:36,570
♪ It's a new day ♪
994
00:36:36,612 --> 00:36:38,952
♪ It's a new life ♪
995
00:36:38,989 --> 00:36:41,659
♪ For me ♪
996
00:36:41,700 --> 00:36:45,910
♪ And I'm feeling good... ♪
997
00:36:45,954 --> 00:36:48,254
My name is Imogene Cleary.
998
00:36:53,712 --> 00:36:55,302
We're not open yet.
999
00:36:55,339 --> 00:36:57,299
Hi.
1000
00:36:57,341 --> 00:36:59,181
Hello.
1001
00:36:59,217 --> 00:37:00,967
- Nice club.
- Thanks.
1002
00:37:01,011 --> 00:37:03,061
Doesn't smell like
anyone's pissed in it yet.
1003
00:37:03,096 --> 00:37:05,426
- Oh, they have.
- Okay.
1004
00:37:05,474 --> 00:37:07,854
- Can I come in?
- Uh...
1005
00:37:07,893 --> 00:37:09,853
It's important.
1006
00:37:09,895 --> 00:37:12,355
Okay. Sure, come on in.
1007
00:37:15,192 --> 00:37:16,572
(Joel sniffles)
1008
00:37:16,610 --> 00:37:18,570
You okay?
Your eyes are...
1009
00:37:18,612 --> 00:37:21,742
Oh, yeah.
I have, uh, bird allergies.
1010
00:37:23,367 --> 00:37:25,327
Could I maybe have a drink?
1011
00:37:25,369 --> 00:37:27,199
Okay. You want a beer?
1012
00:37:27,245 --> 00:37:29,245
Beer. Sure.
1013
00:37:33,794 --> 00:37:35,804
Actually, could I have
something stronger?
1014
00:37:45,597 --> 00:37:47,217
Thanks.
1015
00:37:48,475 --> 00:37:50,265
Could I have another one?
1016
00:37:50,310 --> 00:37:52,310
You want to start a tab?
1017
00:37:55,107 --> 00:37:57,777
So, you got my attention.
1018
00:37:57,818 --> 00:38:00,358
Yeah. Okay.
1019
00:38:03,782 --> 00:38:05,832
So, I know you are not a friend.
1020
00:38:05,867 --> 00:38:07,657
We barely know each other.
1021
00:38:07,703 --> 00:38:10,663
We've talked what,
three times ever? Once civil.
1022
00:38:10,706 --> 00:38:12,746
- Eh...
- Okay, never civil, but...
1023
00:38:12,791 --> 00:38:15,421
I need you
to do something for me.
1024
00:38:17,671 --> 00:38:20,011
I need you
to take care of Midge's money.
1025
00:38:20,048 --> 00:38:22,468
I need you to get the checks,
put them in a bank.
1026
00:38:22,509 --> 00:38:23,889
- Whoa.
- Keep track of what's there,
1027
00:38:23,927 --> 00:38:25,717
what she's owed,
what she spends.
1028
00:38:25,762 --> 00:38:27,972
- What are you talking about?
- I can steer her career.
1029
00:38:28,015 --> 00:38:30,635
I've got that down, and I am
gonna make her a very big star.
1030
00:38:30,684 --> 00:38:33,024
But the money...
1031
00:38:33,061 --> 00:38:35,401
I need you
to protect it from now on.
1032
00:38:35,439 --> 00:38:36,939
- From what?
- From me.
1033
00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:38,822
- Susie...
- I will
1034
00:38:38,859 --> 00:38:40,689
send the checks to you directly
as soon as I get 'em.
1035
00:38:40,736 --> 00:38:42,196
- Susie...
- Maybe I should just have
1036
00:38:42,237 --> 00:38:43,987
Shy's people get it
to you directly.
1037
00:38:44,031 --> 00:38:45,951
Cut out the middleman... me.
1038
00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:48,371
Cut out me. Yeah,
that's probably the best idea.
1039
00:38:48,410 --> 00:38:50,410
- Susie...
- I'll transfer all the money that she's made so far.
1040
00:38:50,454 --> 00:38:53,714
Every penny. I just need
a little time to get it all...
1041
00:38:53,749 --> 00:38:55,709
organized,
but I will get it to you,
1042
00:38:55,751 --> 00:38:58,001
and then, once a week,
I will send you a check.
1043
00:38:58,045 --> 00:38:59,875
Or they will send you a check.
Once a week,
1044
00:38:59,921 --> 00:39:01,261
- someone will send you a check.
- Hold on.
1045
00:39:01,298 --> 00:39:03,508
So... thanks for the drinks.
1046
00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:05,640
Mm.
1047
00:39:05,677 --> 00:39:07,967
- We'll talk more later.
- Susie, stop.
1048
00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:11,307
You can't just come in here
like that.
1049
00:39:11,349 --> 00:39:13,309
I mean, why? Why me?
1050
00:39:13,351 --> 00:39:15,101
There's business managers
and accountants
1051
00:39:15,145 --> 00:39:17,395
and a lot of other people
who are trained to do this.
1052
00:39:17,439 --> 00:39:19,319
I mean, hell,
Shy must have a team of people
1053
00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:20,857
- you could ask to...
- 'Cause you love her!
1054
00:39:20,901 --> 00:39:23,741
You'll always be in love
with her.
1055
00:39:23,779 --> 00:39:26,489
You won't let anything bad
happen to her, ever.
1056
00:39:26,531 --> 00:39:28,281
It has to be you.
1057
00:39:29,826 --> 00:39:31,536
Just let me tell her, okay?
1058
00:39:31,578 --> 00:39:33,328
What, that I'll love her
forever?
1059
00:39:33,371 --> 00:39:35,501
No, about the money. She knows
the other shit. Everybody does.
1060
00:39:40,754 --> 00:39:44,594
I'm only gonna say this once,
so pay attention... thank you.
1061
00:39:46,927 --> 00:39:48,967
(door opens)
1062
00:39:50,972 --> 00:39:52,812
(door closes)
1063
00:39:52,849 --> 00:39:54,389
(loud laughter)
1064
00:39:54,434 --> 00:39:56,194
The first moment
I saw Midge Maisel,
1065
00:39:56,228 --> 00:39:58,108
I thought, "That is one
red-hot cocktail waitress."
1066
00:39:58,146 --> 00:39:59,686
French-restaurant-level
cocktail waitress.
1067
00:39:59,731 --> 00:40:01,321
When I found out
she was a comic,
1068
00:40:01,358 --> 00:40:03,068
you could have knocked me over
with a feather.
1069
00:40:03,110 --> 00:40:04,650
I would've preferred a mallet.
1070
00:40:04,694 --> 00:40:06,534
Yeah, and now she's scored
a tour with Shy Baldwin.
1071
00:40:06,571 --> 00:40:08,411
Knife in my heart right here.
1072
00:40:08,448 --> 00:40:10,368
While I still think she'd make
a red-hot cocktail waitress...
1073
00:40:10,408 --> 00:40:12,118
I'd definitely exceed
my two-drink minimum.
1074
00:40:12,160 --> 00:40:13,790
She has since proven
a good sport,
1075
00:40:13,829 --> 00:40:15,249
a tough competitor,
1076
00:40:15,288 --> 00:40:16,788
the best-smelling person
in a club.
1077
00:40:16,832 --> 00:40:18,382
- Not that that's hard.
- (laughter)
1078
00:40:18,416 --> 00:40:21,086
I can honestly say,
from the bottom of my heart,
1079
00:40:21,128 --> 00:40:22,458
fuck you, Mrs. Maisel.
1080
00:40:22,504 --> 00:40:23,884
- Oh. Fuck you...
- Oh.
1081
00:40:23,922 --> 00:40:25,802
ALL:
Fuck you, Mrs. Maisel.
1082
00:40:25,841 --> 00:40:28,181
Thank you.
I'm trying not to cry.
1083
00:40:28,218 --> 00:40:30,508
Go out there and show 'em
how it's done.
1084
00:40:30,554 --> 00:40:33,604
Because, if you fail,
no one will ever let you forget.
1085
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:35,730
(laughter)
1086
00:40:35,767 --> 00:40:37,517
Yeah, that wasn't a joke.
1087
00:40:37,561 --> 00:40:39,601
Well, it's gonna sound like
a cliché, but what the hell.
1088
00:40:39,646 --> 00:40:41,146
- How dare you.
- Benjamin.
1089
00:40:41,189 --> 00:40:44,189
- Yes. Good guess.
- Wha... What are you doing here?
1090
00:40:44,234 --> 00:40:46,444
When you want to find a penguin,
you head to the North Pole.
1091
00:40:47,821 --> 00:40:49,531
You want to do this sitting here
surrounded
1092
00:40:49,573 --> 00:40:51,703
by your flunkies like you're
the poor man's Rat Pack, or...?
1093
00:40:51,741 --> 00:40:54,081
What? I... No.
1094
00:40:54,119 --> 00:40:55,999
No. I...
1095
00:40:56,037 --> 00:40:57,747
You don't see I have to move?
1096
00:40:57,789 --> 00:41:01,419
- Oh, oh, uh...
- Are you gonna?
1097
00:41:01,459 --> 00:41:03,879
- Should I get up, or...?
- I'm not blocking her.
1098
00:41:03,920 --> 00:41:05,340
There she goes.
1099
00:41:05,380 --> 00:41:06,460
Okay.
1100
00:41:06,506 --> 00:41:07,626
Sorry.
1101
00:41:07,674 --> 00:41:09,184
Hi. How are you?
1102
00:41:09,217 --> 00:41:11,007
- That's funny.
- No, I mean...
1103
00:41:11,052 --> 00:41:12,722
Don't worry about the small
talk. This won't take long.
1104
00:41:12,762 --> 00:41:14,562
- It wasn't small.
- I let you off easy, didn't I?
1105
00:41:14,598 --> 00:41:16,178
- I...
- You sent me a "Dear John" letter...
1106
00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:18,104
unproofed, by the way...
and I didn't chase you down,
1107
00:41:18,143 --> 00:41:19,983
I didn't call you,
I didn't show up at your door
1108
00:41:20,020 --> 00:41:21,440
demanding an explanation, did I?
1109
00:41:21,479 --> 00:41:22,939
- No.
- That's right, no.
1110
00:41:22,981 --> 00:41:24,441
I let you slink off
into the night,
1111
00:41:24,482 --> 00:41:26,362
like a goddamn
Damon Runyon character.
1112
00:41:26,401 --> 00:41:27,821
I figure if that's the way
you wanted it,
1113
00:41:27,861 --> 00:41:29,451
I wasn't gonna beg you
for an explanation,
1114
00:41:29,487 --> 00:41:32,117
an explanation I was absolutely
entitled to, by the way.
1115
00:41:32,157 --> 00:41:34,277
Yes. You were.
I am so sorry.
1116
00:41:34,326 --> 00:41:36,236
BENJAMIN: I handled the whole
thing with dignity, grace.
1117
00:41:36,286 --> 00:41:37,656
I handled it all very calmly.
1118
00:41:37,704 --> 00:41:39,414
I handle things very calmly.
I don't get mad.
1119
00:41:39,456 --> 00:41:41,876
I can't get mad. When you're
really tall, you can't get mad.
1120
00:41:41,917 --> 00:41:44,337
You can't pace around
and wave your arms in the air
1121
00:41:44,377 --> 00:41:46,757
and raise your voice,
because people get scared. See?
1122
00:41:46,796 --> 00:41:48,756
Look around. See? That's what
people look like when
1123
00:41:48,798 --> 00:41:50,548
you're really tall
and really mad.
1124
00:41:50,592 --> 00:41:52,472
I look like an angry building!
1125
00:41:52,510 --> 00:41:55,680
So I stay calm...
all the goddamn time.
1126
00:41:55,722 --> 00:41:57,102
But this time...
1127
00:41:57,140 --> 00:41:58,680
(laughs):
Oh.
1128
00:41:58,725 --> 00:42:00,345
This time,
you have pushed me too far.
1129
00:42:00,393 --> 00:42:02,653
What did I do?
I mean, besides...
1130
00:42:02,687 --> 00:42:05,317
I work in a hospital, Miriam.
I perform surgery.
1131
00:42:05,357 --> 00:42:07,687
I hold really sharp tools
that I cut people open with.
1132
00:42:07,734 --> 00:42:10,074
And if I cut them open
incorrectly, they tend to die.
1133
00:42:10,111 --> 00:42:13,201
And that's where you chose
to send your mother
1134
00:42:13,240 --> 00:42:15,660
- to fix me up with another girl?!
- What?
1135
00:42:15,700 --> 00:42:17,490
- Are you insane?
- Benjamin, I swear,
1136
00:42:17,535 --> 00:42:19,405
I had no idea
she was gonna do that.
1137
00:42:19,454 --> 00:42:20,874
Bullshit, Miriam.
You feel guilty.
1138
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:22,334
So, you decided
to get me settled
1139
00:42:22,374 --> 00:42:24,004
so you don't have
to feel bad anymore.
1140
00:42:24,042 --> 00:42:25,462
Well, fuck that.
1141
00:42:25,502 --> 00:42:27,002
You don't get a say
in what happens to me.
1142
00:42:27,045 --> 00:42:28,665
You feel like a louse?
Too bad. Live with it.
1143
00:42:28,713 --> 00:42:31,383
Benjamin, please,
can we just sit and talk?
1144
00:42:31,424 --> 00:42:32,934
Please?
1145
00:42:33,969 --> 00:42:35,969
(Benjamin clears throat)
1146
00:42:43,520 --> 00:42:45,060
(Midge clears throat)
1147
00:42:45,105 --> 00:42:46,725
Thank you.
1148
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,278
Oh, you're going
to have to start.
1149
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:53,860
Right.
1150
00:42:53,905 --> 00:42:55,485
Sorry.
1151
00:42:55,532 --> 00:42:58,582
Benjamin, I owe you the
biggest apology in the world.
1152
00:42:58,618 --> 00:43:01,618
I am totally and completely
ashamed of myself.
1153
00:43:01,663 --> 00:43:03,623
I never pegged you for a coward.
1154
00:43:03,665 --> 00:43:05,745
That letter...
that was a coward's move.
1155
00:43:05,792 --> 00:43:08,252
I know it was.
1156
00:43:08,295 --> 00:43:09,835
I don't understand.
1157
00:43:09,879 --> 00:43:11,339
What happened?
1158
00:43:11,381 --> 00:43:13,471
I explained it all
in the letter.
1159
00:43:13,508 --> 00:43:15,088
I stopped reading the letter
after the words
1160
00:43:15,135 --> 00:43:16,545
"I can't marry you."
1161
00:43:16,594 --> 00:43:19,184
- Oh.
- That kind of gave the end away.
1162
00:43:19,222 --> 00:43:22,232
You know, it's funny,
I... can stand onstage
1163
00:43:22,267 --> 00:43:24,437
and say all sorts
of uncomfortable,
1164
00:43:24,477 --> 00:43:26,557
embarrassing personal things.
1165
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:29,324
But the thought of standing
in front of you,
1166
00:43:29,357 --> 00:43:30,977
telling you...
1167
00:43:31,026 --> 00:43:33,816
I just... couldn't.
1168
00:43:33,862 --> 00:43:35,912
So I wrote a letter.
1169
00:43:35,947 --> 00:43:38,067
Like a coward.
1170
00:43:38,116 --> 00:43:40,076
But you have to understand,
1171
00:43:40,118 --> 00:43:42,998
when I accepted your proposal,
I was fed up with stand-up.
1172
00:43:43,038 --> 00:43:44,748
I was thinking of quitting.
1173
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:47,879
I thought maybe comedy was just
a phase, and I could get married
1174
00:43:47,917 --> 00:43:51,247
and hop down to the Gaslight
once or twice a week, do a set,
1175
00:43:51,296 --> 00:43:53,206
like a bowling league
with better shoes.
1176
00:43:53,256 --> 00:43:55,256
I thought
maybe that could be enough.
1177
00:43:56,801 --> 00:43:59,681
And then Shy Baldwin called.
1178
00:43:59,721 --> 00:44:02,601
And a lightning bolt
went through me.
1179
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:05,480
I just... knew.
1180
00:44:05,518 --> 00:44:08,728
This was it
for the rest of my life.
1181
00:44:08,772 --> 00:44:11,692
No turning back.
1182
00:44:11,733 --> 00:44:15,573
- And I knew that would be a problem.
- How?
1183
00:44:15,612 --> 00:44:17,532
- How what?
- How did you know it was going to be a problem?
1184
00:44:17,572 --> 00:44:20,622
- Oh, Benjamin, come on.
- Come on, what?
1185
00:44:20,658 --> 00:44:22,488
I talk about my life onstage.
1186
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:24,245
My whole life.
1187
00:44:24,287 --> 00:44:26,247
I talk about my parents
and my children,
1188
00:44:26,289 --> 00:44:28,629
and my relationships
and my failures,
1189
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:30,246
and everyone else's failures,
1190
00:44:30,293 --> 00:44:32,673
and my girdle and my sex life.
1191
00:44:32,712 --> 00:44:34,172
- I have seen you onstage.
- Twice.
1192
00:44:34,214 --> 00:44:35,634
You've seen me twice.
1193
00:44:35,673 --> 00:44:36,973
It would be different
if we were married.
1194
00:44:37,008 --> 00:44:38,338
It would be constant.
1195
00:44:38,385 --> 00:44:40,295
You wouldn't be able
to handle it.
1196
00:44:40,345 --> 00:44:42,885
- Oh, really?
- My stand-up was the reason that Joel and I...
1197
00:44:42,931 --> 00:44:44,221
- I am not Joel.
- I know.
1198
00:44:44,265 --> 00:44:45,675
I got two feet on the guy alone.
1199
00:44:45,725 --> 00:44:48,225
- You are both men.
- What the hell does that mean?
1200
00:44:48,269 --> 00:44:50,609
- Proud men. Strong men.
- Did you ask?
1201
00:44:50,647 --> 00:44:52,517
Did you ever say,
"Hey, Benjamin,
1202
00:44:52,565 --> 00:44:54,975
if I constantly talk about you
onstage, is that a problem?"
1203
00:44:55,026 --> 00:44:57,026
- No, I didn't.
- That's right.
1204
00:44:57,070 --> 00:44:59,320
You didn't even
give me a chance.
1205
00:44:59,364 --> 00:45:01,624
You left me out
of the equation altogether.
1206
00:45:01,658 --> 00:45:03,328
I would have been on the road.
1207
00:45:03,368 --> 00:45:06,248
We would have been separated
a lot.
1208
00:45:06,287 --> 00:45:09,827
And the coming back together
would've been sensational.
1209
00:45:10,875 --> 00:45:12,165
(chair scrapes)
1210
00:45:13,753 --> 00:45:15,383
Please don't go.
1211
00:45:15,422 --> 00:45:17,722
You broke my heart, Miriam.
1212
00:45:20,427 --> 00:45:22,467
Do not send your mother again.
1213
00:45:27,976 --> 00:45:31,686
You never even got
to see the ring.
1214
00:45:31,729 --> 00:45:35,479
It was spectacular, by the way.
1215
00:45:37,402 --> 00:45:40,162
I have no doubt.
1216
00:45:44,868 --> 00:45:47,448
(indistinct chatter)
1217
00:45:48,746 --> 00:45:49,956
Oh, yes, Anya.
1218
00:45:49,998 --> 00:45:51,618
And your youngest girl, Leslie,
1219
00:45:51,666 --> 00:45:53,246
is she still single?
1220
00:45:53,293 --> 00:45:55,003
Oh, she is. Good.
1221
00:45:55,044 --> 00:45:58,764
And is there
any specific reason why?
1222
00:45:58,798 --> 00:46:01,508
Well, has she tried bangs?
1223
00:46:01,551 --> 00:46:03,091
Oh. How unfortunate.
1224
00:46:03,136 --> 00:46:05,756
Well, there must be
some wonderful man out there
1225
00:46:05,805 --> 00:46:07,845
just waiting
for someone like Leslie.
1226
00:46:07,891 --> 00:46:10,941
And she turns 30 when?
1227
00:46:10,977 --> 00:46:13,017
Mm-hmm.
1228
00:46:13,062 --> 00:46:15,022
Oh, no,
there's plenty of time.
1229
00:46:15,064 --> 00:46:16,614
- Don't you worry.
- (door opens)
1230
00:46:16,649 --> 00:46:18,359
Mama! Where are you?
1231
00:46:18,401 --> 00:46:22,111
In the meantime,
I will put my thinking cap on.
1232
00:46:22,155 --> 00:46:23,695
Hang up.
1233
00:46:23,740 --> 00:46:25,120
Anya, I have to go,
1234
00:46:25,158 --> 00:46:27,118
but I will call you soon.
1235
00:46:27,160 --> 00:46:29,200
Being on the road
has made you extremely rude.
1236
00:46:29,245 --> 00:46:31,615
I cannot believe
you went to Benjamin.
1237
00:46:31,664 --> 00:46:33,884
- Miriam...
- To his work. His work.
1238
00:46:33,917 --> 00:46:35,627
Well, I wasn't gonna accost him
in the street.
1239
00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:37,708
And you went to his work to try
and set him up with a girl.
1240
00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:39,554
Am I getting the story right?
Because I really want
1241
00:46:39,589 --> 00:46:41,049
to get the story right
before I tell you
1242
00:46:41,090 --> 00:46:42,630
how incredibly out of line
it was.
1243
00:46:42,675 --> 00:46:43,715
Keep your voice down.
1244
00:46:43,760 --> 00:46:45,550
Do you know how hard
it must've been for him
1245
00:46:45,595 --> 00:46:47,055
when I backed out
of the wedding?
1246
00:46:47,096 --> 00:46:49,176
- I'm assuming it wasn't easy.
- And you had the gall,
1247
00:46:49,224 --> 00:46:51,944
the hubris, the insensitivity
1248
00:46:51,976 --> 00:46:55,186
to go down there and drag him
back into that all over again?
1249
00:46:55,230 --> 00:46:58,070
This was none of your business.
1250
00:46:58,107 --> 00:47:00,067
This was between Benjamin
and me.
1251
00:47:00,109 --> 00:47:01,819
No one asked you
to get in the middle.
1252
00:47:01,861 --> 00:47:03,241
I know he didn't.
1253
00:47:03,279 --> 00:47:04,739
I'm not gonna be talked to
like this by my own daughter.
1254
00:47:04,781 --> 00:47:06,571
You know what,
I am sorry, Mama.
1255
00:47:06,616 --> 00:47:08,986
I'm sorry
that you are so disappointed
1256
00:47:09,035 --> 00:47:10,995
in how my life turned out.
1257
00:47:11,037 --> 00:47:13,997
I'm sorry that you can't
understand the turn it's taken.
1258
00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:16,330
I have certainly tried
to explain it to you,
1259
00:47:16,376 --> 00:47:17,836
to include you in it,
1260
00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,747
but you don't want to understand
or be included.
1261
00:47:19,796 --> 00:47:22,466
You just want
to be disappointed.
1262
00:47:22,507 --> 00:47:24,627
I'm sorry that I am a comedian
1263
00:47:24,676 --> 00:47:26,796
and that you can't watch me
onstage
1264
00:47:26,844 --> 00:47:28,644
and that you still think
I'm a prostitute.
1265
00:47:28,680 --> 00:47:31,640
I'm sorry that Joel left me
and blew up my life,
1266
00:47:31,683 --> 00:47:32,983
but he did.
1267
00:47:33,017 --> 00:47:34,477
He left.
1268
00:47:34,519 --> 00:47:36,189
He blew up my life.
1269
00:47:36,229 --> 00:47:37,649
I did not want that to happen.
1270
00:47:37,689 --> 00:47:38,979
But it did happen,
1271
00:47:39,023 --> 00:47:40,983
and I had to do something
about it.
1272
00:47:41,025 --> 00:47:43,315
And one of these days, you
are gonna have to acknowledge
1273
00:47:43,361 --> 00:47:45,241
that this is the new reality.
1274
00:47:45,280 --> 00:47:48,450
That I am,
for the first time in my life,
1275
00:47:48,491 --> 00:47:50,291
taking charge of my own destiny,
1276
00:47:50,326 --> 00:47:53,956
just like Joel is in charge
of his life and so is Benjamin.
1277
00:47:53,997 --> 00:47:56,037
Maybe you need to get a life
of your own
1278
00:47:56,082 --> 00:47:58,382
and you can stop trying
to manipulate the lives
1279
00:47:58,418 --> 00:48:00,798
of those around you.
(inhales, exhales)
1280
00:48:02,839 --> 00:48:04,219
You're right.
1281
00:48:04,257 --> 00:48:06,217
I don't understand
what your life is
1282
00:48:06,259 --> 00:48:08,049
or why you do what you do.
1283
00:48:08,094 --> 00:48:09,854
And, yes,
I do feel that comedy
1284
00:48:09,887 --> 00:48:11,467
and prostitution
are one and the same.
1285
00:48:11,514 --> 00:48:14,184
And, no, I don't know
how to explain it to my friends
1286
00:48:14,225 --> 00:48:15,595
or my rabbi.
I don't know how to explain
1287
00:48:15,643 --> 00:48:17,153
that my daughter
leaves her children
1288
00:48:17,186 --> 00:48:20,146
to travel around with a tiny
part-time plumber in a hat.
1289
00:48:20,189 --> 00:48:22,149
I don't understand
why it's funny
1290
00:48:22,191 --> 00:48:24,191
to talk about your parents
onstage,
1291
00:48:24,235 --> 00:48:26,025
why it's fun
to hear people laugh
1292
00:48:26,070 --> 00:48:28,620
at their mistakes
and misfortune.
1293
00:48:28,656 --> 00:48:32,696
But there is one area where you
and I are in perfect agreement:
1294
00:48:32,744 --> 00:48:34,954
how precarious a woman's life is
1295
00:48:34,996 --> 00:48:37,866
when it's dependent
on the whims of a man.
1296
00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:40,875
That is a lesson I have
also learned the hard way.
1297
00:48:40,918 --> 00:48:42,628
Your father blew up
my life, too.
1298
00:48:42,670 --> 00:48:44,550
He took everything away
in the blink of an eye,
1299
00:48:44,589 --> 00:48:46,049
and now it's up to me
to get it back.
1300
00:48:46,090 --> 00:48:48,970
And that is exactly what
I intend to do.
1301
00:48:52,722 --> 00:48:54,022
Now,
1302
00:48:54,057 --> 00:48:56,477
if you'll excuse me.
1303
00:49:06,569 --> 00:49:08,109
Bernice,
1304
00:49:08,154 --> 00:49:09,784
Rose Weissman here.
1305
00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:11,452
Left field question,
1306
00:49:11,491 --> 00:49:14,951
is your son
still clinically blind?
1307
00:49:14,994 --> 00:49:16,374
Wonderful.
1308
00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:18,792
("Feeling Good"
by Nina Simone playing)
1309
00:49:18,831 --> 00:49:20,831
(clacking)
1310
00:49:22,835 --> 00:49:24,915
INSTRUCTOR:
30 seconds, ladies.
1311
00:49:33,596 --> 00:49:38,136
♪ And I'm feeling good ♪
1312
00:49:39,310 --> 00:49:45,270
♪ Feeling good... ♪
1313
00:49:49,987 --> 00:49:52,367
Am I late?
I thought I was on time.
1314
00:49:52,407 --> 00:49:54,327
There was
a last-minute shoe issue.
1315
00:49:54,367 --> 00:49:55,617
The color was different
in different light,
1316
00:49:55,660 --> 00:49:57,120
so I had to make sure
I was prepared.
1317
00:49:57,161 --> 00:49:58,541
Brought an extra pair,
but they hurt my feet
1318
00:49:58,579 --> 00:49:59,959
and I walk a little funny,
which might be fun
1319
00:49:59,997 --> 00:50:01,497
since I'm a comic, right?
Worked for Chaplin.
1320
00:50:01,541 --> 00:50:02,831
But I didn't think
it added that much time to...
1321
00:50:02,875 --> 00:50:04,835
Yep, I'm late.
Well, la-di-da.
1322
00:50:04,877 --> 00:50:06,917
- It's fine.
- I'm excited.
1323
00:50:06,963 --> 00:50:08,343
The Apollo, right?
1324
00:50:08,381 --> 00:50:10,431
Hey, you read the sign.
1325
00:50:10,466 --> 00:50:13,216
Look, I, uh, have a thing
I need to take care of tonight.
1326
00:50:13,261 --> 00:50:14,681
- What's wrong?
- Nothing's wrong.
1327
00:50:14,721 --> 00:50:16,891
It's a bullshit family thing,
but I want it taken care of
1328
00:50:16,931 --> 00:50:19,141
before we go,
so I may have to miss your set.
1329
00:50:19,183 --> 00:50:20,813
It's 'cause I wore
the wrong shoes, right?
1330
00:50:20,852 --> 00:50:22,812
Yes. So if I don't talk
to you before,
1331
00:50:22,854 --> 00:50:24,734
I will meet you at the airport
tomorrow night.
1332
00:50:24,772 --> 00:50:25,982
Okay.
1333
00:50:26,023 --> 00:50:27,233
You're gonna be great.
1334
00:50:27,275 --> 00:50:28,815
There is no other option.
1335
00:50:28,860 --> 00:50:30,400
You bet your ass. Tits up?
1336
00:50:30,445 --> 00:50:32,905
Tits up.
1337
00:50:32,947 --> 00:50:34,817
Don't be late
for the fucking plane.
1338
00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:37,406
I'm never late. Ooh.
1339
00:50:37,452 --> 00:50:40,912
(band playing)
1340
00:50:40,955 --> 00:50:42,955
(cheering and applause)
1341
00:50:56,220 --> 00:50:57,180
Oh!
1342
00:50:57,221 --> 00:50:59,101
Oh! Oh!
1343
00:50:59,140 --> 00:51:01,060
Oh!
1344
00:51:24,707 --> 00:51:25,827
(cheering)
1345
00:51:29,128 --> 00:51:31,918
(cheering)
1346
00:51:31,964 --> 00:51:33,764
MAN:
All right, young man.
1347
00:51:40,932 --> 00:51:43,352
(cheering and applause)
1348
00:51:43,392 --> 00:51:45,562
♪ ♪
1349
00:51:45,603 --> 00:51:48,023
(indistinct chatter)
1350
00:52:01,536 --> 00:52:03,746
Ah. Good. Eat this.
1351
00:52:03,788 --> 00:52:05,158
- What is it?
- Oatmeal cookie.
1352
00:52:05,206 --> 00:52:07,166
Why do you have
the world's entire supply?
1353
00:52:07,208 --> 00:52:09,248
People make this stuff for Shy
because he goes around saying
1354
00:52:09,293 --> 00:52:10,803
these are his favorite foods.
1355
00:52:10,837 --> 00:52:12,257
They are not his favorite foods.
1356
00:52:12,296 --> 00:52:14,256
In fact, he never even touches
the damn stuff,
1357
00:52:14,298 --> 00:52:15,838
and then I have to...
Thelma!
1358
00:52:15,883 --> 00:52:18,013
(chuckles):
Darling, you look wonderful!
1359
00:52:18,052 --> 00:52:20,182
You give these date bars
to Shy, now.
1360
00:52:20,221 --> 00:52:21,851
I will. I will.
1361
00:52:21,889 --> 00:52:23,269
(both chuckle)
1362
00:52:23,307 --> 00:52:25,177
- Eat these.
- Just throw them out.
1363
00:52:25,226 --> 00:52:27,186
You do that, someone sees
and Harlem burns.
1364
00:52:27,228 --> 00:52:28,768
Marla Mae!
1365
00:52:28,813 --> 00:52:31,023
This is my sister's girl, Lorna.
1366
00:52:31,065 --> 00:52:32,435
You make sure she meets Shy.
1367
00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:34,033
You know I will.
1368
00:52:34,068 --> 00:52:36,448
- Just wait over there, sweetheart.
- Okay.
1369
00:52:36,487 --> 00:52:37,567
Appetizers?
1370
00:52:37,613 --> 00:52:38,993
REGGIE:
The ladies in the neighborhood
1371
00:52:39,031 --> 00:52:40,781
also want to marry Shy off.
1372
00:52:40,825 --> 00:52:41,905
I'm sorry, am I in temple?
1373
00:52:41,951 --> 00:52:43,041
I'm gonna say hi to Shy.
1374
00:52:43,077 --> 00:52:44,117
Do not bother him too long.
1375
00:52:44,161 --> 00:52:45,121
He has vocalizing to do.
1376
00:52:45,162 --> 00:52:46,542
He cannot be rusty tonight.
1377
00:52:46,581 --> 00:52:48,291
Hometown crowds...
they love you the most,
1378
00:52:48,332 --> 00:52:49,712
but they also give you
the most shit
1379
00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:51,040
when you aren't
on your best game.
1380
00:52:51,085 --> 00:52:53,045
Oh, I know. If I step up
to my butcher counter
1381
00:52:53,087 --> 00:52:54,797
and I haven't decided
four or six lamb chops,
1382
00:52:54,839 --> 00:52:56,219
I get eviscerated.
1383
00:52:56,257 --> 00:52:58,377
I wind up getting cube steak
out of pure intimidation.
1384
00:52:58,426 --> 00:53:00,386
Yeah, it's nothing like that,
but thanks for sharing.
1385
00:53:00,428 --> 00:53:02,008
Hey, have another cookie.
1386
00:53:02,054 --> 00:53:03,644
- Sorry, pal.
- Shit.
1387
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:06,771
Ella! Are those your meatloaf
sandwiches I see there?
1388
00:53:06,809 --> 00:53:08,979
- Yes. (giggles)
- Mmm!
1389
00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:10,900
(knocking)
1390
00:53:10,938 --> 00:53:13,318
Oh, so that's where you've been
for the last two months.
1391
00:53:13,357 --> 00:53:16,067
Get in here, Little Miss Mouthy!
1392
00:53:16,110 --> 00:53:19,320
Mr. Baldwin,
you look like a million bucks.
1393
00:53:19,363 --> 00:53:21,163
Oh, no,
my price has gone way up.
1394
00:53:21,198 --> 00:53:23,828
- (laughs)
- (chuckles): Oh.
1395
00:53:23,868 --> 00:53:25,998
Back up, now.
Let me see that dress.
1396
00:53:26,037 --> 00:53:27,577
I thought
I'd go understated today,
1397
00:53:27,622 --> 00:53:28,662
try to blend in.
1398
00:53:28,706 --> 00:53:30,746
In that? Nice try.
1399
00:53:30,791 --> 00:53:32,751
It's so good to see you.
1400
00:53:32,793 --> 00:53:34,003
You, too.
1401
00:53:34,045 --> 00:53:35,335
Get yourself some champagne.
1402
00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:36,419
You want some?
1403
00:53:36,464 --> 00:53:38,724
Not before the show.
1404
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:43,098
You know, I tried
to call you a few times,
1405
00:53:43,137 --> 00:53:45,507
but you got that housekeeper,
General Patton.
1406
00:53:45,556 --> 00:53:48,016
Yes. You'd think after helping
save the world from Hitler,
1407
00:53:48,059 --> 00:53:49,519
he could get a better gig.
1408
00:53:49,560 --> 00:53:51,230
Bet you can bounce a quarter
off your bed
1409
00:53:51,270 --> 00:53:52,480
when he makes it though.
1410
00:53:52,521 --> 00:53:54,321
So, tell me
what you've been up to.
1411
00:53:54,357 --> 00:53:56,647
Well, I've been living
in Queens.
1412
00:53:56,692 --> 00:53:58,282
Doing some radio work.
1413
00:53:58,319 --> 00:54:01,029
Got paid in feminine products
and pancake syrup.
1414
00:54:01,072 --> 00:54:02,372
My nephew had his bris.
1415
00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:03,566
He had his what?
1416
00:54:03,616 --> 00:54:04,656
It's where they cut off
your penis
1417
00:54:04,700 --> 00:54:05,830
and then we all eat deli.
1418
00:54:05,868 --> 00:54:07,828
It's time for both of us
to get back on the road.
1419
00:54:07,870 --> 00:54:09,460
- (cheering in distance)
- Wow.
1420
00:54:09,497 --> 00:54:10,787
Someone's killing.
1421
00:54:10,831 --> 00:54:12,041
Must be Moms.
1422
00:54:12,083 --> 00:54:14,043
Moms... Mabley?
1423
00:54:14,085 --> 00:54:15,955
Are you serious?
1424
00:54:16,003 --> 00:54:16,963
Where you going?
1425
00:54:17,004 --> 00:54:18,304
Moms Mabley's onstage.
1426
00:54:18,339 --> 00:54:19,469
Shy Baldwin's right here.
1427
00:54:19,507 --> 00:54:20,627
What happened to our reunion?
1428
00:54:20,675 --> 00:54:22,005
Well, you look good,
you feel good,
1429
00:54:22,051 --> 00:54:23,431
you liked my dress.
You need some tea?
1430
00:54:23,469 --> 00:54:24,639
- I got some tea.
- See ya.
1431
00:54:24,679 --> 00:54:26,219
You are a fickle girl.
1432
00:54:26,263 --> 00:54:28,063
I've been called so much worse.
1433
00:54:28,099 --> 00:54:29,599
(laughter in distance)
1434
00:54:29,642 --> 00:54:32,232
They even said I was prejudiced.
1435
00:54:32,269 --> 00:54:34,229
I'm not prejudiced.
1436
00:54:34,271 --> 00:54:36,691
I'm not.
1437
00:54:36,732 --> 00:54:39,942
But I don't like no old man.
1438
00:54:39,986 --> 00:54:43,026
I don't give a damn
what color he is.
1439
00:54:43,072 --> 00:54:45,322
- (cheering and applause)
- Yeah.
1440
00:54:45,366 --> 00:54:48,076
Moms likes 'em young, baby.
1441
00:54:48,119 --> 00:54:50,869
- (laughter)
- What about it?
1442
00:54:50,913 --> 00:54:53,373
Can't no old man
do nothing for me
1443
00:54:53,416 --> 00:54:55,996
but bring me a message
from a young man.
1444
00:54:56,043 --> 00:54:57,593
(laughter)
1445
00:54:57,628 --> 00:55:00,258
- That's all he can do.
- (applause)
1446
00:55:00,297 --> 00:55:04,137
I don't want nothing old
but some old money.
1447
00:55:06,137 --> 00:55:08,427
I married an old man
1448
00:55:08,472 --> 00:55:10,932
when I was nothing but a child.
1449
00:55:10,975 --> 00:55:12,805
Nothing but a child.
1450
00:55:12,852 --> 00:55:14,772
15 years old.
1451
00:55:14,812 --> 00:55:18,112
- WOMAN: That ain't right.
- That was the curse back in my day.
1452
00:55:18,149 --> 00:55:22,359
You had to marry who
your parents picked out for you.
1453
00:55:22,403 --> 00:55:25,453
My daddy picked out
this old man,
1454
00:55:25,489 --> 00:55:28,199
old man.
1455
00:55:28,242 --> 00:55:30,872
My daddy liked him.
1456
00:55:30,911 --> 00:55:33,581
My daddy should've married him.
1457
00:55:33,622 --> 00:55:35,712
(laughter)
1458
00:55:35,750 --> 00:55:38,130
They say
1459
00:55:38,169 --> 00:55:42,669
you shouldn't say nothing
about the dead unless it's good.
1460
00:55:42,715 --> 00:55:45,335
He's dead.
1461
00:55:45,384 --> 00:55:47,094
That's good.
1462
00:55:47,136 --> 00:55:48,846
(laughter and applause)
1463
00:55:48,888 --> 00:55:50,258
(laughs)
1464
00:55:50,306 --> 00:55:51,766
One weekend, I say to him,
1465
00:55:51,807 --> 00:55:55,267
I say, "Why don't we go out
to the country?"
1466
00:55:55,311 --> 00:55:58,441
You know anything
about the country?"
1467
00:55:58,481 --> 00:56:00,691
He says...
(deep voice): "Sure",
1468
00:56:00,733 --> 00:56:02,943
"I-I know about the country.
1469
00:56:02,985 --> 00:56:05,355
"When-when I was a young boy,
1470
00:56:05,404 --> 00:56:08,124
I used to live in the country."
1471
00:56:08,157 --> 00:56:11,117
I said,
"When you was a young boy,
1472
00:56:11,160 --> 00:56:13,790
everybody lived
in the country."
1473
00:56:13,829 --> 00:56:17,289
(laughter and cheering)
1474
00:56:17,333 --> 00:56:18,793
Geez.
1475
00:56:18,834 --> 00:56:20,964
That's not intimidating at all.
1476
00:56:21,003 --> 00:56:23,303
And she's as sweet as pie,
to boot.
1477
00:56:23,339 --> 00:56:24,719
And thank you, Lord!
1478
00:56:24,757 --> 00:56:28,967
I'm talking to people
who know what I'm talking 'bout.
1479
00:56:29,011 --> 00:56:32,261
(cheering and applause)
1480
00:56:39,313 --> 00:56:40,943
EMCEE: The great Moms
Mabley, ladies and gentlemen.
1481
00:56:40,981 --> 00:56:42,361
That's the way it's done.
1482
00:56:42,399 --> 00:56:44,439
I wish you'd told me that
before Dayton.
1483
00:56:44,485 --> 00:56:46,355
Could've saved
a whole bunch of time.
1484
00:56:46,403 --> 00:56:48,203
- Excuse me.
- And now please welcome
1485
00:56:48,239 --> 00:56:50,369
- the Silver Belles.
- Excuse me.
1486
00:56:50,407 --> 00:56:52,447
Go see if there's any
of that Shy food left over.
1487
00:56:52,493 --> 00:56:53,873
I'm starving.
1488
00:56:53,911 --> 00:56:55,701
Excuse me. Moms?
1489
00:56:55,746 --> 00:56:59,286
I mean, Mrs.-Mrs. Moms.
Miss Moms. Moms Mabley. Ma'am.
1490
00:56:59,333 --> 00:57:02,503
I don't know what to call you,
but I am a really big fan.
1491
00:57:02,545 --> 00:57:05,375
Well, a really big fan
might know what to call me.
1492
00:57:05,422 --> 00:57:07,382
I actually saw you in Chicago.
1493
00:57:07,424 --> 00:57:08,974
We only played one night there,
and, technically, I was supposed
1494
00:57:09,009 --> 00:57:10,969
to be at the theater in case
Shy called me back up for a bit,
1495
00:57:11,011 --> 00:57:12,471
which he does sometimes
but not a lot...
1496
00:57:12,513 --> 00:57:14,473
Uh-huh.
Get me a chair, honey.
1497
00:57:14,515 --> 00:57:16,635
- I think this is gonna take a while.
- (chuckles)
1498
00:57:16,684 --> 00:57:18,394
But I snuck out, because you
were playing Mister Kelly's,
1499
00:57:18,435 --> 00:57:19,805
and I'd also never seen
Mister Kelly's.
1500
00:57:19,854 --> 00:57:20,904
So, anyhow, I went.
1501
00:57:20,938 --> 00:57:23,148
You were great then, too.
1502
00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:24,480
What is your name, sweetheart?
1503
00:57:24,525 --> 00:57:26,645
Midge Maisel.
Mrs. Maisel, actually.
1504
00:57:26,694 --> 00:57:28,324
- Tha-That's my stage name.
- Wait a minute,
1505
00:57:28,362 --> 00:57:29,532
you're Mrs. Maisel?
1506
00:57:29,572 --> 00:57:31,492
- Yes.
- Are you kidding me?
1507
00:57:31,532 --> 00:57:33,082
This is the girl opening
for Shy tonight.
1508
00:57:33,117 --> 00:57:34,827
She's the one
that got your spot.
1509
00:57:34,869 --> 00:57:36,749
- I did?
- Yes, you did.
1510
00:57:36,787 --> 00:57:38,247
- Marcus.
- She's Moms Mabley.
1511
00:57:38,289 --> 00:57:40,119
You really think
she should be opening for you?
1512
00:57:40,166 --> 00:57:42,496
She's not opening for me.
I'm opening for Shy.
1513
00:57:42,543 --> 00:57:44,343
You got the prime spot,
Shirley Temple.
1514
00:57:44,378 --> 00:57:45,838
You can't read a program?
1515
00:57:45,880 --> 00:57:47,550
I didn't know
there was a program.
1516
00:57:47,590 --> 00:57:48,550
I'm gonna talk to Shy.
1517
00:57:48,591 --> 00:57:49,551
I'm gonna really talk to Shy.
1518
00:57:49,592 --> 00:57:51,552
- Oh, Marcus, hush now.
- It's not right.
1519
00:57:51,594 --> 00:57:53,304
Who the hell is
this little white girl anyhow?
1520
00:57:53,345 --> 00:57:56,095
Oh, Marcus, you back off now.
1521
00:57:56,140 --> 00:57:58,520
That audience out there is gonna
give her a tough enough time
1522
00:57:58,559 --> 00:58:01,269
without you in her face.
1523
00:58:01,312 --> 00:58:04,272
It was nice meeting you,
Mrs. Maisel.
1524
00:58:04,315 --> 00:58:07,895
Welcome to the Apollo.
1525
00:58:12,489 --> 00:58:14,449
Oh. Good.
1526
00:58:14,491 --> 00:58:16,371
Eat this.
1527
00:58:16,410 --> 00:58:17,660
What's the matter?
1528
00:58:17,703 --> 00:58:19,753
Nothing.
Do you have a program?
1529
00:58:19,788 --> 00:58:22,168
- A what?
- Why am I opening for Shy, Reggie?
1530
00:58:22,208 --> 00:58:23,668
'Cause Shy
ain't gonna open for you.
1531
00:58:23,709 --> 00:58:25,999
Do you think this is
the right crowd for me?
1532
00:58:26,045 --> 00:58:28,415
Well, it's the crowd you got,
so let's hope so.
1533
00:58:28,464 --> 00:58:30,594
I don't know.
I don't know.
1534
00:58:30,633 --> 00:58:32,343
- Midge.
- They loved Moms.
1535
00:58:32,384 --> 00:58:34,264
I shouldn't be on
after Moms Mabley.
1536
00:58:34,303 --> 00:58:35,513
They're gonna hate me for that.
1537
00:58:35,554 --> 00:58:37,184
Oh. You been talking to Marcus?
1538
00:58:37,223 --> 00:58:38,603
He called me a white girl.
1539
00:58:38,641 --> 00:58:40,681
- Wow. Low blow.
- He's right.
1540
00:58:40,726 --> 00:58:42,436
There's royalty
on this stage tonight.
1541
00:58:42,478 --> 00:58:44,438
I'm-I'm not ready for this.
I haven't earned it.
1542
00:58:44,480 --> 00:58:46,020
It doesn't matter
if you earned it. It's here.
1543
00:58:46,065 --> 00:58:47,015
You got to do it.
1544
00:58:47,066 --> 00:58:48,186
I'm nervous.
1545
00:58:48,234 --> 00:58:49,444
I'm never nervous,
1546
00:58:49,485 --> 00:58:51,695
but, right now,
I am really, really nervous.
1547
00:58:51,737 --> 00:58:52,857
Where the hell is Susie?
1548
00:58:52,905 --> 00:58:54,365
She had a family thing to do.
1549
00:58:54,406 --> 00:58:55,946
Tonight?
1550
00:58:55,991 --> 00:58:57,371
I shouldn't go out there.
1551
00:58:57,409 --> 00:58:59,039
This is a very important show
for Shy.
1552
00:58:59,078 --> 00:59:00,448
It's a comeback show.
1553
00:59:00,496 --> 00:59:02,706
If I fail, it could look
really bad for him.
1554
00:59:02,748 --> 00:59:03,708
Then don't fail.
1555
00:59:03,749 --> 00:59:05,129
I am gonna fail.
1556
00:59:05,167 --> 00:59:07,377
(clears throat)
Now look at me.
1557
00:59:07,419 --> 00:59:09,549
Yes, that's gonna be
a tough crowd.
1558
00:59:09,588 --> 00:59:11,218
They will love you
or they will hate you,
1559
00:59:11,257 --> 00:59:13,257
and they will let you know
their verdict immediately.
1560
00:59:13,300 --> 00:59:15,260
And maybe you should cut back
1561
00:59:15,302 --> 00:59:17,302
on the Jewish brisket talk
a little.
1562
00:59:17,346 --> 00:59:19,306
You know Shy.
They know Shy.
1563
00:59:19,348 --> 00:59:21,178
Get out there
and talk about Shy.
1564
00:59:21,225 --> 00:59:22,935
I'm not following.
1565
00:59:22,977 --> 00:59:24,557
You're great at riffing.
I've seen you do it.
1566
00:59:24,603 --> 00:59:26,563
Shy is like family
to these people.
1567
00:59:26,605 --> 00:59:28,315
They want to hear stories
about him.
1568
00:59:28,357 --> 00:59:30,317
Stories about the road,
late-night craziness,
1569
00:59:30,359 --> 00:59:32,489
gossip, tantrums...
they love that sort of shit.
1570
00:59:32,528 --> 00:59:34,528
You want me to talk
about Shy on the road?
1571
00:59:34,571 --> 00:59:36,531
- Yep.
- Shy.
1572
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:39,033
Yes. It's not something
you should do anywhere else,
1573
00:59:39,076 --> 00:59:41,036
but here, in Harlem,
his hometown,
1574
00:59:41,078 --> 00:59:42,708
they'll eat it up.
1575
00:59:42,746 --> 00:59:43,826
You calm now?
1576
00:59:43,872 --> 00:59:45,122
- No.
- Good.
1577
00:59:45,165 --> 00:59:47,835
- You're gonna be fine.
- Thank you, Reggie.
1578
00:59:47,876 --> 00:59:50,296
You really want to thank me?
1579
00:59:52,506 --> 00:59:53,756
Ladies and gentlemen,
1580
00:59:53,799 --> 00:59:54,929
welcome to the stage,
1581
00:59:54,967 --> 00:59:56,837
her first time at the Apollo,
1582
00:59:56,885 --> 00:59:58,675
Mrs. Maisel.
1583
00:59:58,721 --> 01:00:01,311
(inhales)
Tits up.
1584
01:00:06,603 --> 01:00:08,563
MAN:
Oh, no.
1585
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:10,145
(woman laughs)
1586
01:00:10,190 --> 01:00:12,150
(quiet chatter)
1587
01:00:16,613 --> 01:00:18,623
(chatter grows louder)
1588
01:00:21,035 --> 01:00:22,865
(chatter quiets)
1589
01:00:22,911 --> 01:00:24,541
Whoa.
1590
01:00:24,580 --> 01:00:26,920
You all look like
you've just seen a ghost.
1591
01:00:26,957 --> 01:00:29,707
(laughter and cheering)
1592
01:00:32,046 --> 01:00:34,626
Yes. Yes, I know.
1593
01:00:34,673 --> 01:00:36,593
After this,
I'm heading to LaGuardia
1594
01:00:36,633 --> 01:00:38,223
to help land some planes.
1595
01:00:38,260 --> 01:00:39,470
(laughter)
1596
01:00:39,511 --> 01:00:41,601
Now, before we get any further,
1597
01:00:41,638 --> 01:00:43,348
- who made this?
- WOMAN 1: I made that!
1598
01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:44,390
WOMAN 2:
Me.
1599
01:00:44,433 --> 01:00:45,733
It looks like mine.
1600
01:00:45,768 --> 01:00:46,978
Mmm.
1601
01:00:47,019 --> 01:00:49,059
Unbelievable.
1602
01:00:49,104 --> 01:00:51,904
- Fried in oil? Ah.
- WOMAN 1: Lard!
1603
01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:53,280
You ever use schmaltz?
1604
01:00:53,317 --> 01:00:55,277
Same heart attack,
different afterlife.
1605
01:00:55,319 --> 01:00:56,279
(laughter)
1606
01:00:56,320 --> 01:00:57,360
Mmm.
1607
01:00:57,404 --> 01:00:59,374
So... (inhales deeply)
1608
01:00:59,406 --> 01:01:00,906
Shy Baldwin.
1609
01:01:00,949 --> 01:01:02,159
(cheering and applause)
1610
01:01:04,036 --> 01:01:05,786
Oh! You've heard of him.
1611
01:01:05,829 --> 01:01:08,499
He's pretty great, huh?
1612
01:01:08,540 --> 01:01:10,130
You know where we met?
1613
01:01:10,167 --> 01:01:11,587
In the ladies' room.
1614
01:01:11,627 --> 01:01:13,337
No, seriously, we did.
1615
01:01:13,379 --> 01:01:15,049
At a charity event.
I mean, picture it.
1616
01:01:15,089 --> 01:01:18,089
This pretty, dainty,
elegant thing,
1617
01:01:18,133 --> 01:01:19,433
primping in the mirror,
1618
01:01:19,468 --> 01:01:21,508
and there I was,
right next to him.
1619
01:01:21,553 --> 01:01:23,223
- (laughter)
- MAN: Ooh!
1620
01:01:23,263 --> 01:01:25,773
How do you compete
with those cheekbones?
1621
01:01:25,808 --> 01:01:28,348
Those Ava Gardner cheekbones.
1622
01:01:28,394 --> 01:01:30,234
The man is so gorgeous
1623
01:01:30,270 --> 01:01:32,440
that Arthur Miller's
sniffing around him.
1624
01:01:32,481 --> 01:01:34,321
He's the only person I know
1625
01:01:34,358 --> 01:01:37,238
gorgeous enough to play
Romeo and Juliet.
1626
01:01:37,277 --> 01:01:40,107
(laughter and applause)
1627
01:01:40,155 --> 01:01:42,115
So I've been hanging out
with Shy on tour,
1628
01:01:42,157 --> 01:01:46,077
and I discovered that
all he has to do is sing.
1629
01:01:46,120 --> 01:01:48,000
He has a guy
for everything else.
1630
01:01:48,038 --> 01:01:49,078
Well...
1631
01:01:49,123 --> 01:01:51,083
- just about everything else.
- (laughter)
1632
01:01:51,125 --> 01:01:54,165
No, he pretty much has a guy
for everything else.
1633
01:01:54,211 --> 01:01:55,631
- (laughter)
- You see 'em on the road,
1634
01:01:55,671 --> 01:01:57,971
his guys, falling over
themselves outside his door.
1635
01:01:58,006 --> 01:02:00,426
"Whatever you need, Shy."
"Let me tuck you in, Shy."
1636
01:02:00,467 --> 01:02:02,297
"Let me get that makeup
off your collar, Shy."
1637
01:02:02,344 --> 01:02:05,314
Don't be scandalized, it's his.
1638
01:02:05,347 --> 01:02:06,717
(laughter)
1639
01:02:06,765 --> 01:02:09,385
We were on the road a while,
and coming back to New York,
1640
01:02:09,435 --> 01:02:12,015
I was a half a day
on a plane, a train,
1641
01:02:12,062 --> 01:02:14,022
a bus, a cab, a rickshaw.
1642
01:02:14,064 --> 01:02:16,734
Shy comes home,
he doesn't need a plane.
1643
01:02:16,775 --> 01:02:17,985
He doesn't need a train.
1644
01:02:18,026 --> 01:02:20,696
He just puts on
his Judy Garland shoes,
1645
01:02:20,737 --> 01:02:22,777
clicks his heels together
three times and says,
1646
01:02:22,823 --> 01:02:25,663
"There's no place like Harlem.
There's no place like Harlem."
1647
01:02:32,708 --> 01:02:34,708
And his closet?
1648
01:02:34,751 --> 01:02:36,961
It's enormous.
1649
01:02:37,004 --> 01:02:38,884
- It has a doorbell.
- (laughter)
1650
01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:41,972
I went in there once,
at a party. Amazing.
1651
01:02:42,009 --> 01:02:44,719
With the silks and the satins,
the chiffons,
1652
01:02:44,761 --> 01:02:47,061
the chenilles...
these aren't girl groups,
1653
01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:48,967
these are his clothes.
1654
01:02:50,476 --> 01:02:51,726
Hey.
1655
01:02:51,768 --> 01:02:53,268
(mouth full):
Who made this?
1656
01:02:53,312 --> 01:02:54,982
Mm, yeah.
1657
01:02:55,022 --> 01:02:58,032
I-I'm not actually a comedian,
I just came here to eat.
1658
01:02:58,066 --> 01:03:01,026
Mm-hmm.
1659
01:03:02,070 --> 01:03:05,200
Shy takes Cleopatra milk baths!
1660
01:03:05,240 --> 01:03:07,780
(laughing): Actually,
I have no idea if that's true,
1661
01:03:07,826 --> 01:03:10,946
- but it feels true, right?
- (laughter)
1662
01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:21,420
TESSIE: Boy, it went up a lot
faster than I thought it would.
1663
01:03:21,465 --> 01:03:24,045
SUSIE: 60 years of
Southern Comfort in that floor
1664
01:03:24,092 --> 01:03:27,102
- probably sped up the process.
- (chuckles)
1665
01:03:27,137 --> 01:03:29,517
It's almost beautiful
like this, isn't it?
1666
01:03:29,556 --> 01:03:31,176
- No.
- Yeah.
1667
01:03:32,726 --> 01:03:34,346
So...
1668
01:03:34,394 --> 01:03:36,814
this gonna get you
out of your hole?
1669
01:03:36,855 --> 01:03:38,515
(sighs):
Well... the insurance will cover
1670
01:03:38,565 --> 01:03:40,685
Midge's portion
of the money I lost.
1671
01:03:40,734 --> 01:03:43,154
- That's what's important.
- What about you?
1672
01:03:43,195 --> 01:03:45,025
I don't need much.
1673
01:03:45,072 --> 01:03:46,992
Hey, Tess...
1674
01:03:47,032 --> 01:03:49,242
thanks for committing
a felony with me.
1675
01:03:49,284 --> 01:03:50,834
Thanks for making sure
1676
01:03:50,869 --> 01:03:53,459
I never have to sleep
in that house again.
1677
01:03:53,497 --> 01:03:55,037
Though I still wish
you would have waited
1678
01:03:55,082 --> 01:03:56,832
till Skint was in there
to light it up.
1679
01:03:56,875 --> 01:03:58,835
It was tempting, I got to admit.
1680
01:03:58,877 --> 01:04:00,587
You know,
you can just leave him.
1681
01:04:00,629 --> 01:04:02,629
Setting him on fire
would have been easier.
1682
01:04:02,673 --> 01:04:04,173
You got to do something, Tess.
1683
01:04:04,216 --> 01:04:06,716
You shouldn't be miserable
forever.
1684
01:04:06,760 --> 01:04:08,260
Yeah.
1685
01:04:08,303 --> 01:04:10,813
(sighs)
Well...
1686
01:04:10,847 --> 01:04:11,967
bye, Mom.
1687
01:04:12,015 --> 01:04:13,885
Hope it's better where you are.
1688
01:04:13,934 --> 01:04:16,854
(sirens approaching)
1689
01:04:16,895 --> 01:04:19,815
SUSIE: Hey, where is she,
by the way? Mortuary, or...?
1690
01:04:19,856 --> 01:04:22,186
TESSIE:
Shit. I forgot to ask.
1691
01:04:22,234 --> 01:04:24,324
- (sirens wailing)
- I'll call tomorrow.
1692
01:04:24,361 --> 01:04:26,701
I think that's how she
would have wanted it.
1693
01:04:26,738 --> 01:04:29,488
She's gone,
and we have no idea where.
1694
01:04:29,533 --> 01:04:31,203
Hmm.
1695
01:04:31,243 --> 01:04:33,953
(laughter and applause)
1696
01:04:39,626 --> 01:04:41,666
Hold on, my mouth is full.
1697
01:04:41,712 --> 01:04:44,052
- (cheering)
- Oh, now you're just adding
1698
01:04:44,089 --> 01:04:45,719
your own punch lines.
1699
01:04:45,757 --> 01:04:47,337
(laughter)
1700
01:04:47,384 --> 01:04:50,054
Well, this has been
the biggest honor of my life.
1701
01:04:50,095 --> 01:04:53,385
To stand here at the Apollo
and eat on the same stage
1702
01:04:53,432 --> 01:04:56,942
that Moms Mabley killed on
just moments ago.
1703
01:04:56,977 --> 01:04:58,147
(cheering)
1704
01:04:58,186 --> 01:05:00,646
Thank you, Shy Baldwin.
1705
01:05:00,689 --> 01:05:02,939
And speaking of Shy Baldwin...
1706
01:05:02,983 --> 01:05:05,153
(cheering)
1707
01:05:05,193 --> 01:05:07,493
He clearly doesn't need
an introduction,
1708
01:05:07,529 --> 01:05:09,449
but here it is anyhow.
1709
01:05:09,489 --> 01:05:11,579
Ladies and gentlemen,
the one, the only,
1710
01:05:11,617 --> 01:05:14,867
the fabulous Shy Baldwin!
1711
01:05:14,911 --> 01:05:17,331
(cheering and applause)
1712
01:05:19,166 --> 01:05:21,586
(band playing bluesy intro)
1713
01:05:29,176 --> 01:05:31,256
♪ ♪
1714
01:05:39,478 --> 01:05:41,228
(cheering)
1715
01:06:02,834 --> 01:06:04,844
♪ ♪
1716
01:06:12,511 --> 01:06:15,391
- (cheering)
- ♪ I want somebody ♪
1717
01:06:15,430 --> 01:06:18,810
♪ To hold my hand ♪
1718
01:06:18,850 --> 01:06:22,270
♪ Somebody to love me ♪
1719
01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:24,822
♪ And understand ♪
1720
01:06:25,982 --> 01:06:27,822
♪ I want a woman ♪
1721
01:06:28,985 --> 01:06:32,605
♪ I want a lover ♪
1722
01:06:32,656 --> 01:06:34,696
♪ I want a friend ♪
1723
01:06:36,993 --> 01:06:39,333
- (cheering)
- ♪ I... ♪
1724
01:06:39,371 --> 01:06:42,211
♪ I want somebody ♪
1725
01:06:42,249 --> 01:06:45,959
♪ To share my love ♪
1726
01:06:46,002 --> 01:06:47,962
♪ 'Cause loving is something ♪
1727
01:06:48,004 --> 01:06:50,724
- ♪ Come on and hold me tight ♪
- ♪ I got plenty of ♪
1728
01:06:50,757 --> 01:06:52,717
♪ Bring me your love tonight ♪
1729
01:06:52,759 --> 01:06:55,429
♪ I want a woman ♪
1730
01:06:55,470 --> 01:06:57,430
♪ I want a lover ♪
1731
01:06:57,472 --> 01:06:58,972
♪ He wants a lover ♪
1732
01:06:59,015 --> 01:07:02,435
♪ I want a friend ♪
1733
01:07:03,895 --> 01:07:05,855
♪ Ooh... ♪
1734
01:07:05,897 --> 01:07:08,857
♪ I don't want a fancy gal ♪
1735
01:07:08,900 --> 01:07:11,110
♪ With powder and paint ♪
1736
01:07:12,195 --> 01:07:14,485
♪ I don't want a woman ♪
1737
01:07:15,824 --> 01:07:17,994
♪ Who thinks she's a saint ♪
1738
01:07:18,034 --> 01:07:21,834
- (cheering)
- ♪ I'm looking for someone ♪
1739
01:07:21,872 --> 01:07:24,502
♪ Who's not make-believe ♪
1740
01:07:25,792 --> 01:07:28,502
♪ And doesn't mind giving ♪
1741
01:07:28,545 --> 01:07:32,545
♪ That she may receive ♪
1742
01:07:32,591 --> 01:07:35,551
(fading):
♪ There must be somebody ♪
1743
01:07:35,594 --> 01:07:37,394
♪ Somewhere around... ♪
1744
01:07:37,429 --> 01:07:39,389
ANTONIO: I have to tell you, Mrs.
Maisel,
1745
01:07:39,431 --> 01:07:42,021
the staff is really excited
about your moving back in.
1746
01:07:42,058 --> 01:07:44,978
- We've missed you.
- I've missed you, too, Antonio.
1747
01:07:45,020 --> 01:07:47,440
Now, technically,
I'm not supposed to let you in
1748
01:07:47,481 --> 01:07:50,151
until the first of the month,
but it's you, so...
1749
01:07:50,192 --> 01:07:51,572
It's our secret. I promise.
1750
01:07:51,610 --> 01:07:53,490
Okay. Well,
I'll leave you to it.
1751
01:07:53,528 --> 01:07:55,068
Uh, take your time.
1752
01:07:55,113 --> 01:07:57,493
I'll come back and lock up
when you're done.
1753
01:07:57,532 --> 01:07:59,032
Bye, Antonio.
1754
01:08:08,960 --> 01:08:12,260
♪ It's very clear ♪
1755
01:08:12,297 --> 01:08:14,927
♪ Our love is here to stay ♪
1756
01:08:17,093 --> 01:08:20,223
♪ Not for a year ♪
1757
01:08:20,263 --> 01:08:23,143
♪ But ever and a day ♪
1758
01:08:24,810 --> 01:08:26,770
♪ The radio ♪
1759
01:08:26,812 --> 01:08:28,562
♪ And the telephone ♪
1760
01:08:28,605 --> 01:08:30,395
♪ And the movies ♪
1761
01:08:30,440 --> 01:08:32,190
♪ That we know ♪
1762
01:08:32,234 --> 01:08:35,154
♪ May just be passing fancies ♪
1763
01:08:35,195 --> 01:08:37,235
♪ And in time may go ♪
1764
01:08:38,240 --> 01:08:39,410
Welcome home.
1765
01:08:39,449 --> 01:08:42,289
♪ But oh, my dear ♪
1766
01:08:42,327 --> 01:08:45,157
- ♪ Love is here to stay ♪
- (takes deep breath)
1767
01:08:46,623 --> 01:08:49,793
♪ Together we're... ♪
1768
01:08:49,835 --> 01:08:52,295
(playing "Love Is Here to Stay")
1769
01:08:52,337 --> 01:08:54,047
Take the big trunks first!
1770
01:08:54,089 --> 01:08:55,799
Those go on the bottom!
1771
01:08:55,841 --> 01:08:58,091
MIDGE (calls):
Is my hatbox down there?
1772
01:08:58,134 --> 01:09:00,604
- Which hatbox?
- The hatbox with the yellow hat.
1773
01:09:00,637 --> 01:09:02,557
- Which yellow hat?
- MOISHE: Off the lawn!
1774
01:09:02,597 --> 01:09:05,137
Do not walk on the lawn!
That's new lawn!
1775
01:09:05,183 --> 01:09:07,353
Miriam!
You have two meters running.
1776
01:09:07,394 --> 01:09:08,904
Two meters!
1777
01:09:08,937 --> 01:09:10,397
Do not walk on the plants!
1778
01:09:10,438 --> 01:09:12,568
Do not under any circumstances
touch that tree.
1779
01:09:12,607 --> 01:09:15,107
I've been putting boxes
in the car for an hour,
1780
01:09:15,151 --> 01:09:16,651
and it's not getting
any smaller.
1781
01:09:16,695 --> 01:09:18,105
It's nice to have a soundtrack.
1782
01:09:18,154 --> 01:09:20,164
- (phone ringing)
- I can't find the yellow hat!
1783
01:09:20,198 --> 01:09:21,658
Abe, answer the phone.
1784
01:09:21,700 --> 01:09:24,700
ABE: Why am I always answering
the phone in this house?
1785
01:09:24,744 --> 01:09:27,044
- It's not my house.
- MIDGE: I found the yellow hat,
1786
01:09:27,080 --> 01:09:28,370
- but I need another hatbox.
- Take these.
1787
01:09:28,415 --> 01:09:29,955
I can say with certain authority
1788
01:09:30,000 --> 01:09:31,290
- you do not need another hatbox.
- (ringing continues)
1789
01:09:31,334 --> 01:09:34,134
- Take my hatbox!
- Mama, can I take your hatbox?
1790
01:09:34,170 --> 01:09:36,380
- Am I still answering the phone?
- Yes.
1791
01:09:36,423 --> 01:09:39,223
- Yes!
- Two cabs, two meters. -Hello?
1792
01:09:39,259 --> 01:09:41,089
- Two horns honking.
- You're from where? The Village what?
1793
01:09:41,136 --> 01:09:42,636
- MOISHE: I'll take care of the honking.
- I can't hear you.
1794
01:09:42,679 --> 01:09:45,929
I live in a lunatic asylum.
I'll take this in the kitchen.
1795
01:09:45,974 --> 01:09:48,644
- I'll take it in the kitchen!
- MIDGE: Okay, I'm ready.
1796
01:09:48,685 --> 01:09:50,725
- She's coming!
- I want to say goodbye to the kids.
1797
01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:51,980
You already said goodbye
to the kids.
1798
01:09:52,022 --> 01:09:53,442
That was just the first goodbye.
1799
01:09:53,481 --> 01:09:55,031
Ethan went to play with the
little boy across the street.
1800
01:09:55,066 --> 01:09:56,776
Why'd you let him do that?
I wanted to say goodbye.
1801
01:09:56,818 --> 01:09:58,148
- You already said goodbye.
- Mama.
1802
01:09:58,194 --> 01:10:00,244
We put all the trunks
in the car except one.
1803
01:10:00,280 --> 01:10:04,530
How important is the one
labeled "bows"?
1804
01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,406
Back to square one, Charlie!
1805
01:10:06,453 --> 01:10:07,913
Where the hell are you?!
1806
01:10:07,954 --> 01:10:09,664
- They're gonna turn the meters back on.
- No, they're not.
1807
01:10:09,706 --> 01:10:11,326
I want to say goodbye
to the kids.
1808
01:10:11,374 --> 01:10:13,634
Ethan, Mommy's leaving!
1809
01:10:13,668 --> 01:10:15,128
Well, you'll never get him
that way.
1810
01:10:15,170 --> 01:10:18,760
Ethan!
Get your butt back here now!
1811
01:10:18,798 --> 01:10:19,878
- Mommy's leaving.
- MOISHE: Shut up!
1812
01:10:19,925 --> 01:10:21,465
I miss all the new words.
1813
01:10:21,509 --> 01:10:23,259
Say a new word for Mommy.
Say "kitty."
1814
01:10:23,303 --> 01:10:25,103
- She can't say kitty.
- Say "doggy."
1815
01:10:25,138 --> 01:10:26,848
- She can't say doggy.
- Say something, kid.
1816
01:10:26,890 --> 01:10:28,520
- You'll give her a complex.
- Me?
1817
01:10:28,558 --> 01:10:30,308
You're the one who
has her doing leg lifts.
1818
01:10:30,352 --> 01:10:32,482
- That was someone from The Village Voice.
- What?
1819
01:10:32,520 --> 01:10:34,270
- It's a newspaper.
- We don't need a subscription.
1820
01:10:34,314 --> 01:10:36,074
- They were not selling subscriptions.
- Come on, Esther, one new word.
1821
01:10:36,107 --> 01:10:38,567
- One new word for Mommy.
- He wants me to be their theater critic.
1822
01:10:38,610 --> 01:10:40,030
- You can't demand a word.
It doesn't work like that. - "Ball."
1823
01:10:40,070 --> 01:10:41,400
- Wh-What did you say?
- "Door."
1824
01:10:41,446 --> 01:10:43,106
- They want me to be their
theater critic. - "Hat."
1825
01:10:43,156 --> 01:10:44,316
- I have to go talk to them right now.
- "Bell."
1826
01:10:44,366 --> 01:10:45,736
SHIRLEY:
I found Ethan!
1827
01:10:45,784 --> 01:10:47,584
"Martini, extra dry."
1828
01:10:47,619 --> 01:10:50,499
Get out here, say goodbye,
and get in the cab.
1829
01:10:50,538 --> 01:10:51,788
I give up.
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
1830
01:10:51,831 --> 01:10:53,211
ABE:
I'll call you when I get there.
1831
01:10:53,249 --> 01:10:55,629
- I'll call when I get there.
- They want you to do what?
1832
01:10:55,669 --> 01:10:58,049
Miriam!
Call when you get there.
1833
01:10:58,088 --> 01:11:00,718
Abe, did you say theater critic?
1834
01:11:00,757 --> 01:11:02,717
(airplane passing)
1835
01:11:16,690 --> 01:11:18,270
You're kidding. Two cabs?
1836
01:11:18,316 --> 01:11:19,816
Seems like more than it is.
1837
01:11:19,859 --> 01:11:21,609
How? Is the third cab invisible?
1838
01:11:21,653 --> 01:11:23,913
I'm so excited.
1839
01:11:23,947 --> 01:11:25,987
Why does your hat smell
like a barbecue?
1840
01:11:26,032 --> 01:11:27,202
Is this all your luggage?
1841
01:11:27,242 --> 01:11:29,912
Yeah. We may need
a second plane.
1842
01:11:29,953 --> 01:11:31,833
- Hold on a second.
- Hey, Reggie.
1843
01:11:31,871 --> 01:11:34,121
- So the second cab's a joke.
- It's not a joke.
1844
01:11:34,165 --> 01:11:35,745
It's a hilarious fuckin' joke.
1845
01:11:35,792 --> 01:11:37,042
There's been a change of plans.
1846
01:11:37,085 --> 01:11:38,585
You two are not
getting on the plane.
1847
01:11:38,628 --> 01:11:40,088
Seriously, she can leave
half the shit here.
1848
01:11:40,130 --> 01:11:41,510
I cannot leave it here.
1849
01:11:41,548 --> 01:11:43,048
It has nothing to do
with the luggage.
1850
01:11:43,091 --> 01:11:44,931
You're not going on tour.
1851
01:11:44,968 --> 01:11:47,138
What? Why not?
1852
01:11:47,178 --> 01:11:49,258
- Shy changed his mind.
- MIDGE: What do you mean?
1853
01:11:49,305 --> 01:11:51,215
He doesn't want you
to open for him anymore.
1854
01:11:51,266 --> 01:11:53,846
But... I-I don't understand.
1855
01:11:53,893 --> 01:11:55,903
- We just got a new contract.
- Contract is void.
1856
01:11:55,937 --> 01:11:58,647
- What does that mean?
- You didn't sign it. It's void.
1857
01:11:58,690 --> 01:12:00,780
Shy dropped me because
I didn't sign the contract?
1858
01:12:00,817 --> 01:12:03,607
- I was gonna sign the contract.
- It has nothing to do with the contract.
1859
01:12:03,653 --> 01:12:04,823
Then why?
1860
01:12:04,863 --> 01:12:06,873
Your act last night.
1861
01:12:06,906 --> 01:12:08,946
My act last night went great.
1862
01:12:08,992 --> 01:12:10,492
It's what you said in your act.
1863
01:12:10,535 --> 01:12:12,035
What did you say in your act?
1864
01:12:12,078 --> 01:12:13,288
I talked about Shy.
1865
01:12:13,329 --> 01:12:14,539
You said a lot about Shy.
1866
01:12:14,581 --> 01:12:16,831
- You told me to do that.
- Personal shit.
1867
01:12:16,875 --> 01:12:18,455
What kind of personal shit?
1868
01:12:18,501 --> 01:12:20,631
Reggie, you said go out there
and talk about Shy.
1869
01:12:20,670 --> 01:12:23,380
- I know.
- You said he was their family, that they knew all about him.
1870
01:12:23,423 --> 01:12:28,223
I know. But I didn't know that
you knew all about him.
1871
01:12:28,261 --> 01:12:29,471
Knew what about him?
1872
01:12:29,512 --> 01:12:31,062
Why's everyone talking in code?
1873
01:12:31,097 --> 01:12:32,467
I made some jokes.
1874
01:12:32,515 --> 01:12:34,015
Some jokes that hit
too close to home.
1875
01:12:34,059 --> 01:12:35,189
But I-I didn't hit home.
1876
01:12:35,226 --> 01:12:37,016
I was at least two houses down.
1877
01:12:37,062 --> 01:12:39,482
Shy knew what you were saying.
That's all that mattered.
1878
01:12:39,522 --> 01:12:40,772
- What did you say about Shy?
- Reggie,
1879
01:12:40,815 --> 01:12:42,355
I thought I was doing
what you told me to do.
1880
01:12:42,400 --> 01:12:44,690
- Please, just let me talk to Shy.
- No.
1881
01:12:44,736 --> 01:12:46,106
I have to tell him this was
a big misunderstanding.
1882
01:12:46,154 --> 01:12:48,114
- He doesn't want to talk to you.
- Then you tell him.
1883
01:12:48,156 --> 01:12:49,986
Tell him you told me to
go out there and do that.
1884
01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:51,333
I am not gonna do that.
1885
01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:54,537
- Why not?
- Midge, Shy is my boy.
1886
01:12:54,579 --> 01:12:56,709
I'm supposed to protect him.
1887
01:12:56,748 --> 01:12:58,828
I'm not gonna tell him
I sent some girl up there
1888
01:12:58,875 --> 01:13:01,835
to tell the world that he's...
what he is.
1889
01:13:01,878 --> 01:13:04,338
- What is he?!
- Please, they were jokes.
1890
01:13:04,380 --> 01:13:07,260
"Judy Garland shoes"?
1891
01:13:07,300 --> 01:13:09,340
Oh.
1892
01:13:09,385 --> 01:13:11,425
Oh... shit!
1893
01:13:11,471 --> 01:13:12,931
Reggie, this can't happen.
1894
01:13:12,972 --> 01:13:15,232
I mean, me and Shy,
we're friends.
1895
01:13:15,266 --> 01:13:17,636
You are not friends.
1896
01:13:17,685 --> 01:13:21,725
You were on tour together,
and now you're not.
1897
01:13:21,773 --> 01:13:24,983
- Susie.
- Hey, Reggie, please.
1898
01:13:25,026 --> 01:13:26,856
This was obviously
a big-ass breach here,
1899
01:13:26,903 --> 01:13:28,533
but there's gotta be
something we can do.
1900
01:13:28,571 --> 01:13:30,201
Anything.
I don't care what it is.
1901
01:13:30,240 --> 01:13:31,740
I mean, we'll cut our rate.
1902
01:13:31,783 --> 01:13:33,033
We'll do the Christmas show
for nothing.
1903
01:13:33,076 --> 01:13:34,656
I will iron your fuckin'
jockey shorts.
1904
01:13:34,702 --> 01:13:37,662
- Just please, please don't do this.
- I'm sorry.
1905
01:13:37,705 --> 01:13:40,245
Fuck sorry. Come on!
1906
01:13:42,377 --> 01:13:44,997
Susie, you're gonna be
1907
01:13:45,046 --> 01:13:48,256
right where I am someday.
1908
01:13:48,299 --> 01:13:49,339
You'll see.
1909
01:13:49,384 --> 01:13:51,394
(airplane engines starting)
1910
01:13:59,811 --> 01:14:02,561
Susie?
1911
01:14:02,605 --> 01:14:04,565
(crying)
1912
01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:07,187
SUSIE:
It's okay.
1913
01:14:07,235 --> 01:14:09,355
We're gonna be okay.
1914
01:14:09,404 --> 01:14:11,414
(Midge sobbing)
1915
01:14:18,496 --> 01:14:20,496
♪ ♪
1916
01:14:28,506 --> 01:14:31,796
♪ As I walk through ♪
1917
01:14:31,843 --> 01:14:35,353
♪ This wicked world ♪
1918
01:14:35,388 --> 01:14:37,558
♪ Searchin' for light ♪
1919
01:14:37,599 --> 01:14:42,229
♪ In the darkness of insanity ♪
1920
01:14:42,270 --> 01:14:45,520
♪ I ask myself ♪
1921
01:14:45,565 --> 01:14:49,025
♪ Is all hope lost? ♪
1922
01:14:49,068 --> 01:14:52,948
♪ Is there only pain
and hatred ♪
1923
01:14:52,989 --> 01:14:56,029
♪ And misery? ♪
1924
01:14:56,075 --> 01:15:00,115
♪ And each time I feel
like this inside ♪
1925
01:15:00,163 --> 01:15:03,633
♪ There's one thing
I wanna know ♪
1926
01:15:03,666 --> 01:15:05,836
♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪
1927
01:15:05,877 --> 01:15:08,627
♪ And understanding? ♪
1928
01:15:08,671 --> 01:15:10,381
♪ Oh-oh ♪
1929
01:15:10,423 --> 01:15:12,633
♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪
1930
01:15:12,675 --> 01:15:15,795
♪ And understanding? ♪
1931
01:15:29,567 --> 01:15:32,607
♪ And as I walked on ♪
1932
01:15:32,654 --> 01:15:36,284
♪ Through troubled times ♪
1933
01:15:36,324 --> 01:15:40,254
♪ My spirit gets
so downhearted ♪
1934
01:15:40,286 --> 01:15:43,206
♪ Sometimes ♪
1935
01:15:43,248 --> 01:15:46,458
♪ So where are the strong? ♪
1936
01:15:46,501 --> 01:15:50,051
♪ And who are the trusted? ♪
1937
01:15:50,088 --> 01:15:55,008
♪ And where is the harmony? ♪
1938
01:15:55,051 --> 01:15:57,011
♪ Sweet harmony ♪
1939
01:15:57,053 --> 01:16:01,023
♪ 'Cause each time I feel it
slippin' away ♪
1940
01:16:01,057 --> 01:16:04,597
♪ Just makes me wanna cry ♪
1941
01:16:04,644 --> 01:16:06,904
♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪
1942
01:16:06,938 --> 01:16:09,608
♪ And understanding? ♪
1943
01:16:09,649 --> 01:16:11,399
♪ Oh-oh ♪
1944
01:16:11,442 --> 01:16:13,572
♪ What's so funny 'bout
peace, love ♪
1945
01:16:13,611 --> 01:16:16,781
♪ And understanding? ♪
143961
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