All language subtitles for The.Marvelous.Mrs.Maisel.S03E04.WEB.H264-STRiFE-HI

- (laughter)
- MIDGE: Think about it.

Think about it. Las Vegas is
the true American melting pot,

proving that losing money
is the universal language.

(laughter)

Now I'm Jewish,
I'm from New York,

and perhaps exotic
to some of you,

so I thought it would be helpful
for me to present for you...

a primer to the Jewish people.

(laughter, applause)

First of all, we are always
ready to talk about food.

Seeing you all eating dinner,
I just want

to ask what you're eating,
if it's good,

and tell you
what you should have ordered.

Complaining.

This is big with us.

What repressing your emotions is
to WASPs,

complaining is to Jews.
It's second nature.

But the key is,
the complaints should never be

about big important things,
only little things like,

"It's hot out; this restaurant
is so far; the line is so long."

You know, things
nobody can do anything about.

Remember, you're not trying
to fix anything.

You're just trying to be heard.

- (laughter)
- Guilt is big with us,

and we use it wisely.

And it's not
for making yourself feel bad

about something you did.

It's for making someone else
feel bad

about something they didn't do.

(laughter)

- Jewish parents.
- MAN: Yes. -(clapping)

Mm-hmm. Yell at your sons
for not eating enough,

yell at your daughters
for eating too much.

- (laughter)
- And there's the saying

often attributed
to our great prophet Abraham:

"Anything you can do...

isn't all that interesting
to me."

- (laughter)
- That's it for me,

ladies and gentlemen.
You've been a great audience.

Thanks for listening.
I'm Mrs. Maisel.

- (applause, cheering, whistling)
- Oh. Thank you.

May I please introduce
the voice, the legend,

my dashing friend: Shy Baldwin.

(applause, cheering,
whistling)

- Good?
- Good.

- SHY: ♪ They say that ♪
- Come on.

♪ Falling in love ♪

♪ Is wonderful ♪

♪ It's wonderful... ♪

- (phone ringing through)
- JOEL: Hello.

Hi. It's me. You guys getting
all my postcards?

I tack 'em on the wall
as soon as they come.

You got the one of the Pioneer
Club with the cowboy out front?

I knew Ethan would like it.

It's his favorite.
He read that one to me.

He read it? Out loud?

For the most part.
"Kvell" tripped him up.

Then he's not my son.

He did good.
You'd have been proud.

Okay, but tell him he can't grow
up too much while I'm gone.

- He's got a mustache now.
- Make sure he trims it.

- And Esther's dating.
- Oh, good. Nice boy?

Kid she met in the park. A goy.

Is she trying
to kill her mother?

They make sandcastles,
trade diaper tips.

You'll like him.

Is it too late to put Ethan on?

It's 1:00 in the morning.

- I know.
- Get your jacket.

- What?
- Meet us out front.

- Bring Susie if you want.
- What was that?

It was Shy. Sounds like
we're all going somewhere.

You are so big-time.

Give them both a kiss for me?

Will do. Get some rest.

Not easy in this town.

Place your bets...
craps, yo-eleven, hard ways.

So a buck each
on the hard ways.

And odds on my pass line bet.

Just set your chips down.

- Got it.
- Dice are out.

- Hands!
- Jesus Christ! You scared the livin' crap out of me!

- Well, keep your hands up!
- He told me to put my chips down!

- I've got the dice!
- My hands are up!

- I'm gonna roll!
- Then roll, you stupid old

expositional fake cowboy guy.
Geez.

Hey, the band's going somewhere.
Come on.

- I'm in the middle of something here.
- They're waiting.

Miriam, I've got a bunch
of money on the table.

We're in the middle
of a great roll.

- I can't just...
- Seven out, line away.

- Seven out.
- Aah! -WOMAN: Aw!

MAN:
Damn it! Come on.

Okay, so I'm not saying
you caused that to happen,

but we were doing great,
then you got here,

and he rolled a seven,
so you kind of did.

- You won something.
- I didn't win, I lost.

But, Susie,
you're walking away with chips.

No, when you come with chips,
and you leave with less chips,

- you lost, you didn't win.
- So seven's bad?

Yeah, seven's bad.

♪ ♪

(engine revving)

(engine revving)

- (shouting): Ready, drivers?!
- (whooping)

Go!

(engines revving,
tires squealing)

- Look at 'em go!
- Like a rocket!

- (engines revving)
- (cheering)

Yo, Shy. Incoming.

Thanks, Billy.

You driving tonight, boss?

- As if Reggie would let me.
- (laughs)

Reggie's tending to his mother.
He ain't here.

Oh, but he's always here.

Hey, Henry,
do your Reggie for us.

Tell us what he'd say
if he was out here tonight.

Okay, now listen up.

I am in charge
of these vehicles.

They are not to be scratched,
dented or nicked in any way.

- (laughter)
- Same goes for Shy.

He's not to be scratched,
dented or nicked.

He won't want you flooding
my carburetor, either.

The rest of you... who cares?

I can always get me another horn
player, but I only got one Shy.

(laughter)

Please don't tell him
I did that.

(engines revving)

Track's clear.

(shouting):
Ready, drivers?

- Five bucks on green.
- Five on yellow.

- Go!
- (engines rev, tires squeal)

Come on, green!
Go all Ben-Hur on his ass!

(indistinct shouting)

- Buy you a beer?
- Please.

Monica's not into drag racing,
huh?

Mm, she's a little tired
tonight.

Of gazing at you adoringly?

She's never tired of that
before.

Mm. She's a sweet kid.

- And what's your deal?
- My deal?

Who you got that would glare
at me if they saw us talking?

I mean,
besides your racist uncle.

So besides Uncle Yakov?

No one at the moment.

Okay. I'm gonna file that away.

Pay up, pal. Pay up.

My last five.

So when are you getting
in one of these?

- Who, me?
- Yeah, take a shot.

I did before.
It's a once-in-a-lifetime.

Especially if it kills you.

You'll never get this chance
again.

Isn't it dangerous?

You're not Shy,
you're not a musician,

you're not a vehicle.
You're expendable.

Not really an answer
to my question.

Bet you the five you can't win.

You gonna try
to talk me out of it?

- Hell, no.
- Then what the hell. I'm in.

(shouting):
Crunch! Line 'em up!

Keep your arms loose, but
your hands tight on the wheel.

Loose arms, tight wheel.

And don't floor it all at once,
or it'll flood.

Even pressure to the pedal
till it hits the floor.

Got it.

You're okay?

Was it tight arms
or loose arms?

- You want some dirt?
- Why would I want that?

Buzz asked Natalie Wood for some
dirt, and she gave it to him,

and he rubbed his hands with it,
then she bent down

and gave him a sexy,
three-part kiss,

and then she checked
on James Dean,

and he asked her for some dirt,
but it kind of felt like

he was just asking
'cause Buzz got some,

and he saw that sexy
three-part kiss.

Miriam! I do not need
the whole fucking plot

- to Rebel Without a Cause.
- Okay.

- I've seen the film.
- MAN: We gonna do this?

MIDGE: All right, guys.
Susie's rarin' to go!

Hey, if Luther's around,
could you ask him

what part of me should be loose?

(engines revving)

Hit your lights!

The lights are already on! Geez!

(engines revving)

Go!

(tires squealing)

(engines revving)

- (coughing)
- (indistinct shouting)

How did Natalie Wood do it?

(coughing)

(birds singing)

MOISHE:
Abe!

- Moishe? What is it?
- (gasps) Oh, my God.

It's your car.
It's blocking mine.

- My car?
- Get up. You got to move it.

- What time is it?
- It's four after 5:00.

Four after 5:00?
In the morning?

And I'm late.
Come on. Get a move on.

- Oh, my leg is asleep.
- You both wear pajamas?

- What, are you girlfriends?
- Where are my slippers? Oh.

Shirl and me,
we sleep in the buff.

It's healthier, freer.
Warmer, too.

Where'd I put my robe?

- Skin on skin, as God intended.
- Oh.

- Come on, chop-chop.
- I am.

- MAN: ♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪
- Can you pick up the pace?

- I'm going as fast as I can.
- I better call in.

- ♪ Oh, what a beautiful morning ♪
- They worry when I'm late.

Shirl, call work!
Tell 'em someone made me late!

- SHIRLEY: You got it, toots!
- All those people worried sick.

- They depend on me.
- ♪ I have a beautiful feeling ♪

You told me
I could park in the driveway.

- But not block my car.
- ♪ Everything's going my way... ♪

Do you remember me saying
you could block my car?

I do not remember saying
you could block my car.

I don't dare block it again,
Moishe.

I'm really hoping
you're not leaking oil, Abe.

- The stains are hell to get out.
- (engine starts)

I don't think I'm leaking oil,
Moishe.

Abe! Abe! Whoa!

- (tires squeak)
- Almost hit the milkman.

- Sorry.
- Man survived Normandy Beach

only to get backed over
by Abe Weissman.

- I didn't see him.
- Not a great way

to ingratiate yourself
to the neighborhood, Abe.

Killing the milkman.

MAN: Strange flying objects
in the sky are older

- than the United States.
- (indistinct radio chatter)

Some of them reported
in scientific journals...

Shirley?

(overlapping TV
and radio chatter)

- Shirley!
- Yes, Rose!

- Can I turn the TV off?
- No. Keep it on.

But you're listening
to the radio!

This is the news
so I can stay informed!

And I never miss
The Today Show.

They have a monkey...
J. Fred Muggs.

He's such a funny monkey.

ROSE:
Are those onions?

Onions and chicken skin
for my schmaltz.

Do you have to do that now?

I can't make a schmaltz
in my own kitchen?

Is that what you're saying?

It's just a little early
for such a strong smell.

Why is the TV on
when the radio is on?!

Because of the monkey!

- The what?!
- J. Fred Muggs!

- Who!?
- He's a monkey!

Have some bread, Abe!

Zelda burned the first batch,
so I made some for you.

I didn't burn the toast.

I just asked
where the toaster was.

I'm going
to eat my toast upstairs!

- (upbeat TV theme plays)
- J. Fred Muggs is on!

I'm coming with you, Abe!

SHIRLEY:
He's wearing shoes!

Dance, monkey! Dance!

- (Shirley laughs)
- Sh-Should I watch the onions!?

- Mrs. Maisel?
- (Shirley laughs)

(Shirley laughs loudly)

MAN (on TV): Dr. Barbara Moore
completes an emphatic demonstration

- about the equality of the sexes...
- (knocking)

Can I be in here with you?

Nuts, honey, milk
and natural juices.

The 56-year-old...

cheered on by all
of Britain completes...

This has been the longest month
of my life.

We've been here a week.

♪ It's a lovely day today ♪

♪ So whatever
you've got to do... ♪

A girl could get used to this.

This is really how it works?

Just sits on your face,
like a French whore?

- Yup.
- Oh. I look like the Bride of Frankenstein.

Let me even it out it a bit.

This reminds me
of those lazy Bryn Mawr Sundays

when Petra, Janie, Marcie and I
would shake up some cocktails

and dish on boys and treat
ourselves to a beauty regimen.

Mm. Sounds fun.
Where's the gang now?

Uh, Janie's a housewife
in Pittsburgh,

Marcie teaches
high school English,

and Petra raises chickens
in the Hudson Valley.

- You thought I was serious?
- You're all set.

Now sit, relax
and let it work its magic.

(Susie sighs)

♪ But if you've got something
that must be done... ♪

Mine's done.
(clears throat)

I think I'm cured now,
or beautiful or whatever.

- Do not take that mask off.
- I'm suffocating!

You have to leave it on
for half an hour.

Not in a million years!

Fine. Let the desert sun
turn you into an old hag.

I'm a manager. Nobody cares
what the fuck I look like.

(knocking)

Susie, envelope.

The guys said to look out
for the envelope.

Open it. Open it!

Don't rush me.
Don't rush me.

I'll get a paper cut.

(Susie sighs)

Oh, Sweet Jesus, there it is.

Two weeks' pay.

They took taxes out of it.

It's got the casino logo on it.
Neat.

Guess I'm gonna have
to start paying taxes.

- We should frame this.
- Then we can't cash it.

Think about it. When I'm making
ten grand a show,

this check won't mean anything,

and it'll be
a terrific souvenir.

When you're making
ten grand a show,

I'm gonna be so whacked out
on vodka and opium,

nothing's gonna mean anything.

And I'll be there
to pull you out of the gutter.

So, how do we do this?
Put it in your account?

No. No.
You take care of the money.

I get money, I spend money.

Then I will do the money.

Hmm. It's a little short.

- Really?
- Not by much.

It's close,
but it's definitely short.

- Who do we talk to?
- You don't talk to anybody.

I will talk to Angie
before I go.

Go? Go where?

New York. Just for a day or two.
It won't be long.

Sophie stuff?

I said I wouldn't say.

And I said I wouldn't mind,
and I don't.

You're kicking ass every night.

And I'll be back
before you know it.

Let me hold it
while you get ready.

♪ Except it's a lovely day... ♪

Don't get face junk on it.

♪ It's a lovely day. ♪

(typewriter keys clacking)

Hi. Is this Angie's office?

- Yep.
- He in?

I represent the showroom comic,

and we have a little problem
with our check.

He's in.

Would, uh, he have time
to see me?

Well, he's in with somebody.

He can see you after.

Thanks.

Oh, this arthritis
is really slowing me down.

SUSIE:
You're better than me.

Hey, Bobby Darin.

Angie knows Bobby Darin?

Mr. Calibresi knows everybody.

(man speaking indistinctly
in other room)

MAN:
Okay, but let me just explain.

ANGIE: After everything
we've done for you?

For your clients?

- The Stardust of all places?
- (man grunts)

Where's your gratitude, Gordy?

- You owe me a little gratitude, I think.
- (blow lands)

GORDY:
Yes, I d... (grunts) Yes, I do.

ANGIE:
Vic Damone is mine.

- Yes?
- Yes, Angie, yes.

- (man groans)
- ANGIE: That's a good answer.

You look like shit.

Clean yourself up
and get the hell out of here.

(typewriter keys clacking)

(typewriter carriage returns)

(door closes)

Susie!

- I didn't know you were here.
- I'm not.

I mean, I am,
but I don't have to be.

- And you seem busy.
- ANGIE: What, for you?

Never. Come on,
get in here, you.

Come on.

Take a load off. Have a seat.

- Here?
- Sure.

Thank God.

So, your girl.

- What about her?
- She's been on fire.

I haven't missed a show.
Last night, I came to see her.

(chuckles):
Left before Shy. Don't tell Shy.

Snitch? No, I wouldn't do that.
You can trust me.

The way she makes changes
to that act

- from night to night...
- She'll stop doing that.

No, it's so skillful. I love it.

Then she'll keep doing it. I'll
make her do it if she won't.

So, what can I do for you?

Nothing. Everything's good.

SECRETARY: There's a
problem with her check!

No, there's not.
No, there's not!

She told me there's a problem!

There's no problem!

I think the arthritis
is affecting her memory.

Is that the check?
Let me see it. Is it short?

No. In fact, it might be over.
I-I might owe you money.

Let me see that.

We've had some
bookkeeping problems lately,

checks coming up short.

I think this is short.

- Margaret!
- Yeah?!

Tell one of the guys to bring
the head of payroll here!

- No, it's okay!
- Bring him here! I want to show him!

Oh, you meant bring all of him,
not just his...

I mean, I misunderstood.

You know what?
This is an easy fix.

You can stay until he gets here.

I've got a plane to catch.

But you go ahead and keep that

and do whatever you want
with it,

and I will see you later, Angie.

Okay. No problem. Hey!

She's on fire, your girl.

Yuppers.
I'll keep stoking those flames.

(chuckles):
Okay. Thank you so much, Ange.

No problem. Anytime.

Who taught you how to work
with plaster?

ARCHIE:
My Aunt Mabel.

Never married, grip like a vice.

These are her coveralls.

You both shared
that trim figure.

I should have all this done
by tomorrow night.

Then we can start sanding
and smoothing.

No. Arch, take a night off
every once in a while.

Imogene must be having a fit.

Hey. Who's the king
of the castle?

Who's the top dog in the pack?

Who's the capo di tutti capi?

- Imogene.
- Yeah.

But you're a close second.

Damn.

ARCHIE:
Fuse again?

JOEL:
Be right back.

(sighs)

(indistinct chatter)

(chatter stops)

Hey, guys. Just me.

(chatter resumes)

Now, remember,

every time you guys plug in
that electric percolator,

I'm sanding in the dark.

Thanks, Jiao-long.

We'll figure this out
eventually.

Hi.

- Hi.
- Says she knows you?

You guys should officially meet.

Arch, this is Mei.

Mei's the building's, uh...

person girl.

ARCHIE:
I see.

I'm Archie, Joel's friend boy.

Nice to officially meet you.

I brought you something.

(speaking Chinese)

- What's this?
- MEI: Patience.

- It's a surprise.
- JOEL: You usually don't wait

for a surprise.

- That's why it's a surprise.
- (Mei speaking Chinese)

Oh, a jukebox.

A jukebox.

- It's fantastic.
- It's a beaut.

How much
is it gonna set me back?

It's free.

My uncle had it
in his bowling alley,

and he sold the alley.

- Good deal.
- And it works?

- Just listen.
- (coin jingles)

This is one of my favorites.

(pop song playing)

(woman singing Chinese)

This isn't English.

- Archie's kind of an amateur linguist.
- (Mei laughs)

They're all Chinese.

Well, surprisingly,
my uncle's Chinese.

I kind of like it.

It grows on you.

See?

So, what's the song about?

Oh, it's the usual stuff.

Boy meets girl, boy loses girl,

girl buys knife
with 12-inch blade,

boy loses thumb,

boy loses hand.

I like Rosemary Clooney's
version better.

♪ ♪

You're right.
It's growing on me.

Thanks for dropping by.

Thanks for the dip.

- And thank your uncle for me.
- Who?

Nice to meet you, Archie.

ARCHIE:
Likewise.

- What?
- Nothing. Just...

Nice person girl.

Yeah.

(music stops)

(Joel sighs heavily)

Be right back.

Jiao-long, you're killing me!

(birds singing)

- Rose?
- (gasps) Shirley.

It's laundry day. Up, up!

- Laundry day?
- It's 5:00 in the morning.

- Are these dirty?
- Those are clean.

- Where's the dirty?
- In the closet.

And I need your sheets.
Chop-chop.

- What sheets?
- These sheets?

I have to wash your sheets.

- I'm using the sheets!
- Come on.

It's laundry day. Let's go.

- Chop-chop.
- No!

You don't sleep in the buff?

- (radio and TV playing)
- I get up at 4:30 every day.

Do you know how much
you can accomplish

getting up at 4:30 every day?

No one's bothering you
at 4:30 in the morning.

It's dark. It's quiet.

No one's calling you
on the telephone.

- One more, Shirl.
- Here you go.

Believe me, if there's anything
you want to get done

that you don't want
anyone else to know about,

you get up at 4:30
in the morning to do it.

I knew this fella out of Jersey.
Cement business.

He always said
if you want to kill someone,

you do it
at 4:30 in the morning.

But it's Saturday.

What's that, Abe?
It's a little noisy in here.

It's Saturday!

Saturday?
Saturday is a random day.

What is a Saturday?

It's the Lord's day of rest.

What is a weekend? Weekends
are a man-made construct.

- You ever been robbed?
- Here you go.

Keep 'em coming.

Not me. I've never been robbed.

When you're up
at 4:30 in the morning,

they can't come take your stuff
because you're awake.

You see 'em coming.

If you're asleep,
you won't know.

If you sleep late,
your stuff's gone.

4:30 is why I still have a TV
and a radio.

(TV and radio playing)

(knock on door)

- Come in.
- Come in, Zelda.

- ♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪
- MOISHE: It's remarkable.

- ♪ H-I-J-K ♪
- 7:30. Can you believe it?

- ♪ L-M-N-O-P ♪
- They want to sleep till 7:30.

- ♪ Q-R-S ♪
- Let 'em sleep till 7:30, Pop.

- ♪ T-U-V ♪
- 7:30 is practically 8:00,

- which is basically lunchtime.
It's the whole day! -♪ W-X ♪

- ♪ "Y" and "Z" ♪ - And they
wouldn't even let your mother

change their sheets.
They'd rather lie there

- in their own filth.
- ♪ Now I've sung my ABCs ♪

You got to respect
people's choices, Pop.

- (Moishe scoffs)
- ♪ Tell me what ♪

♪ You think of me. ♪

All right, I'll tell you.
I think you're a genius.

- Now put your father on.
- ♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪

- Not again, Ethan.
Honey, please. -♪ H-I-J-K ♪

- That's four times already.
- ♪ L-M-N-O-P ♪

- ♪ Q-R-S ♪
- ♪ Know your ABCs ♪

- Yay! Now put Daddy on.
- ♪ T-U-V ♪

- I've got to talk to Midge.
- Okay, put him on. -♪ W-X ♪

- She know about her parents' narcolepsy?
- ♪ "Y" and "Z." ♪

- There's money in it for you.
- Good job, buddy.

Pretty neat, huh?

My son needs to learn
when to leave a stage.

Imogene taught him that song.
He's very proud.

All those bags go

- with the kids.
- MOISHE: I got it, I got it.

Just getting them ready
to go with the grandparents.

Oh, that'll be fun for them.

Hey, you check in
with Abe and Rose lately?

'Cause I think my parents
are driving them batshit.

- "Think"?
- I keep looking for SOS flares

to shoot up
out of the Queens sky.

So, what are you doing
while the kids are with them?

Leaves you a free man.

I'm working on the club.

Waiting
for a liquor license miracle.

How about coming out to Vegas?

(chuckles):
I can't come out to Vegas.

Why not?
You've always wanted to.

It's a town full of clubs.
It'll be research.

- You can write it off.
- Uh, I don't know. Maybe.

And you can see me perform.

You've only ever seen me
that one time,

that one awful time.

You don't talk about me, do you?

Nope. I've got my Vegas set now,

and it's going
like gangbusters.

Come on, check the flights.

- Well...
- ♪ A-B-C-D ♪

- ♪ E-F-G. ♪
- All right, all right.

I'll check the flights.

Whoa.

Hey. Look what
the cat dragged in.

This looks really sharp.

I think the rug really helps
define the bedroom area.

And it looks bigger.

That's what happens
when you tidy.

Tidiness makes things
look bigger.

(sniffs)
And what's that smell?

Lilacs in water.

It's not only seasonal.
It's sensational.

So, how's Midge?
How's she doing?

She's kicking ass.

I just came back
for a couple of meetings.

Ah, hell.
My blazer's wrinkled to shit.

Not to worry.

Wow. I should let you
move in more often.

Just give me a second or two
for the iron to warm up.

And I have to pee.

Same place.
Behind the privacy curtain.

Privacy curtain. Unbelievable.

I would like to do something
with your hair.

Maybe a chignon.

SUSIE:
Holy shit, you put in a bidet.

("Tequila"
by The Champs playing)

Bernie Zucker. Howie Stapleman.

- Yeah.
- That's us.

Susie Myerson

of Susie Myerson and Associates.

Management firm.

- Okay.
- Thanks for coming.

- Thanks for coming?
- We're waiting on someone else.

- Katharine Hepburn?
- Yeah, Katharine Hepburn.

Truth be told,
that was me on the phone.

- You... -(imitating Hepburn):
Hello, Bernie?

What's say we do The Rainmaker
on the old Broadway.

- The hell is this?
- Let's go, Bernie. -No, guys.

Please, listen.
Look, people say you two

are the hottest producers
on Broadway right now,

and I have a client that you are
gonna flip over, hand to heart.

- Really.
- Yeah. Really.

Yale drama school.
Tons of experience on stage.

Adoring crowds.
She knows Elia Kazan intimately.

She comes
with a built-in audience.

We're listening.

She's never done Broadway,
but she's ready.

You'd be very lucky
to scoop her up.

I got other meetings set.

- Okay. We'll bite.
- Who is it?

Sophie Lennon.

(Bernie and Howie laughing)

Sophie Lennon?

(laughing continues)

Yep.

It's not the name
you were expecting.

Yeah. Yeah, it's very amusing.

- Oh, that is too...
- What... what part?

Miss Julie.

Oh, no, Strindberg?
Oh, my God. I can't...

- I am gonna be laughing till Passover.
- SUSIE: Yeah, okay.

Really, guys, I know comedy,
so I know nothing is this funny.

(laughing):
I can't even...

- All right, stop it!
- (laughter stops)

You had your laughs.

Now let's say we get down
to brass fuckin' tacks.

I can make you a lot of money.
You like money? I like money.

- Tell me you don't like money.
- We like money.

Yeah, we like money.

Yeah, I've seen your résumés.

You're not exactly flawless.

One of you did some musical
about the Donner Party?

That crack the Times made:
"The actors chewed the scenery

and then each other."

- I'm still sore.
- All right, look, I jotted down

some stats
you might be interested in.

In the big markets, Sophie
can sell out a 5,000-seater

without breaking a sweat.

Now, last year she did two shows

in one night in Los Angeles
for a total of 6,500 people.

In the smaller markets,
she can sell out

the biggest houses they have,

and they're beggin'
for extra nights.

Now, if you can get
just a teeny-tiny percentage

of her rabid fans
to come see this show,

you have a smash.

Either of you guys in the market
for a smash?

The funny little redhead,
Carol Burnett,

she slayed 'em in Mattress.

Mm. Younger, though.

Sophie's got miles on her.

She's not bad looking.

Met her at a party
in Oyster Bay.

Pretty full of herself, though.

She comes to this humbly,
gentlemen.

She knows it's a stretch,
but she's up for it.

The guy part.

- Jean.
- It's big enough to draw a name?

- He's on every page.
- If you can get a name, someone big,

- someone to anchor this...
- Someone like...

- Gavin Hawk.
- Yes. Gavin Hawk.

Then this could work.

Gavin Hawk, yeah,
he'd be great.

Yeah. Set up a meeting
with him and you.

You bag him, we'll talk.

Great.

Let's get some food.

You do a pretty good
Katharine Hepburn.

Oh, you should hear
my Judy Holliday.

♪ ♪

♪ And every time it rains ♪

♪ It rains pennies from heaven ♪

♪ Scooby-dooby ♪

♪ Don't you know
each cloud contains ♪

♪ Pennies from heaven? ♪

♪ Scooby-dooby... ♪

Excuse me, Mr. Maisel?

Uh, yes?

I was keeping an eye out
for you.

- Oh, that wasn't necessary.
- When Angie Calibresi heard

that Mrs. Maisel had
a guest coming,

he wanted you
to be taken care of.

(snaps fingers)

Take Mr. Maisel's bag to 407.

Uh, thanks.

(women laughing)

Enjoy your stay.

I think I will.

♪ And when you hear thunder ♪

♪ Don't run under a tree ♪

♪ There'll be pennies
from heaven ♪

♪ For you and me. ♪

- (coins clacking)
- Oh-ho-ho!

The lead story
in the paper's first issue

needs to grab people by the neck
and not let go.

- It needs to shout.
- In a barbaric yawp.

How about an interview
with Fidel?

Castro?
My God, that would be amazing.

- What's your connection to him?
- I don't have a connection.

We go to Cuba.
Camp outside his door.

Or we connect with Che Guevara,
and Che gets us to Fidel.

How do you get to Che Guevara?

We go to Cuba.
Camp outside his door.

Che seems
even less approachable.

- But sexier.
- Yes, but I'm not sure

how that gets us to Che Guevara.

We go through Che's friend,
Alberto Granado.

How do we get to Granada?

We go to Cuba.
Camp outside his door.

You know, Cuba is awfully humid.

I could write a piece
on my landlord.

- What did he do?
- My toilet's been running for a week,

- and he's done nothing to fix it.
- That's fascist.

That's annoying. I don't know
that you could call it fascist.

- You try jiggling the handle?
- Turning it off with the valve

- at the base of the toilet?
- Every time I use it? That's a nightmare.

There has to be something
between Che

- and your wonky toilet.
- KESSLER: Okay, fine.

But I'm not happy,
and my client's

not gonna be happy, either.

We'll talk later.

Brace yourself, Abe.
I got bad news.

- What, what is it?
- That was the D.A.

They're dropping the charges
against you.

- No!
- They're going through their files and dropping charges

for insignificant,
victimless crimes.

- Yours was one of them.
- Insignificant?

No, we've got to fight this.

Abe, it's a tiny bit unorthodox

for a criminal defense attorney
to fight charges being dropped

- against his own client.
- Call the bastard back.

- Abe...
- Call him back!

Whatever you want.

We can go downtown, Abe,

occupy the D.A.'s office

till they make things right.

That's good.
At the very least,

it's criminal trespass...
they'd have to arrest me again.

- It could become our lead story.
- It's the '60s, man.

Yeah, Frank. Kessler again.
Look, my client's pissed.

If you go through
with dropping these charges,

he's coming down with a group
to occupy your offices!

Yes, they are serious.

- They are not joking.
- Oh-ho.

- Okay, I'll ask. He wants to know when.
- We'll do it Tuesday.

- I can't Tuesday. I've got a dentist appointment.
- And I can't do Wednesday.

It's Zelda's birthday... we're
taking her to the Four Seasons.

It's supposed to be fabulous.
I can do Thursday morning.

It's supposed to rain
on Thursday.

Traffic'll be a nightmare.

And I can only do Friday
after 3:00,

- after piano.
- D.A.'s got to go, Abe.

- What's it gonna be?
- What's it gonna be?

Sir, we'll be occupying your
offices the week after next.

I believe
we're talking Thursday,

probably between 10:00 and 1:30.

And one of us
may have to peel off early.

Good day.

(sighs):
Oh, yeah.

Che's gonna be no match for us.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the Phoenician Hotel
Showroom.

Please give a nice hand
to funny lady,

Mrs. Maisel!

(whooping, whistling)

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

So, this afternoon, I was...

Oh, my God.
That's my ex-husband.

My ex-husband's here,
right there at that table.

He lives in New York. What...

No, I invited him to come.

- (laughter)
- It's fine.

Now, I promised him
I wouldn't talk about him,

- but that just shows he can't
read a bluff. -(laughter)

If you see him at a poker table
after the show, go all in.

(laughter)

So, Joel Maisel was born
in a shtetl called Brooklyn.

(laughter)

(indistinct chatter)

Susie Myers.

Myerson.

He's ready for you.

GAVIN:
Yes, come in,

come in!

Gavin, this is Susie Myerson.

- Bernie called about her.
- Ah, any friend of Bernie's.

- Come, sit, sit.
- Thank you.

Uh, nice to meet you, Mr. Hawk.

How'd the show go tonight?

A woman in row three
coughed repeatedly

during my "Is this a dagger
which I see before me?" speech.

- Hate that.
- Otherwise, it went swimmingly.

- Good to hear.
- She died.

- Well, serves her right.
- It was either her or me.

Uh, so you know,
I've never seen Macbeth.

- Oh, my.
- Oh, my God. -What?

- You said the name.
- Macbeth?

- Oh. -Oh, my God.
- What? Wha-What am I doing?

(clears throat)
We never use that word

in the theater.

- Superstition.
- I am so sorry.

Must be hard to do the play
if you can't say the word.

Now, I'm quite happy
with my management.

I'm not in the market
for anyone new.

It's nothing like that.

There's a play.
We have our leading actress,

and you would be perfect
for the other lead. The man.

And what, pray tell,
is the play?

It's...

Can I say the title?

There is only one title
you cannot say, my dear.

- Miss Julie.
- Ah. Miss Julie.

And who is playing Julie?

- Sophie Lennon.
- Sophie Lennon?

- Yep.
- Put that on your plate?

What's this about a plate?

- She's a comedian.
- Ah.

A comedian. A farceur.

A wag.
(chuckles)

Interesting.
Trod the boards much?

- Uh...
- Has she acted?

At Yale, back in the day.

Newcomers can bring fresh verve
to a production.

Unencumbered by technique.

That is where I come in.

I would be the anchor.

You would be a terrific anchor.

A huge dead weight
on the production.

That sounded wrong.

I meant that you would be, uh...

- Expensive?
- Absolutely.

Tell me.

Who is
the greatest comedic star?

Uh, Jack Benny.

- Nope.
- Bob Hope.

Charlie Chaplin.

Charlie Chaplin.
Yes, I was gonna say that.

And who is
the greatest dramatic star?

- You.
- Besides me.

- Peter O'Toole.
- Eh.

- Rex Harrison.
- Charlie Chaplin.

Right. I was gonna say that.

- See my point?
- Crystal clear.

Tragedy, comedy... all is one.

You heard I was expensive?

I did.

Tell Bernie...

I'll do it.

Fan-fuckin'-tastic.

Ha-ha-ha!

Hey. I know it's late,
but I just got back

from the Belasco, and I have
great news, fantastic news.

SOPHIE:
I'm listening.

I think we have our Jean.

Really? Who?

Gavin Hawk.

Sophie? This is huge.

I mean, Gavin Hawk is one of
the biggest stars on Broadway.

I know who Gavin Hawk is.

- He's a great actor.
- He's an amazing actor.

And we got him.
We got Gavin Hawk. This is big.

I suppose so.
It's just...

Just what?

What if I'm not
sexually attracted to him?

- What if you're not...
- He'd be the object

- of my desire, my Jean.
- Right.

There needs to be
sexual attraction.

Sure.

Powerful sexual attraction.

And what if it's not there?

I don't know, you act it?

Act it. Easy for someone
standing in the wings to say.

Yes, I know I'm not the one
standing on stage, but...

Could you do a love scene
with Roy Rogers' horse?

- No.
- Well, there you go.

- But it's a horse.
- That you're not attracted to.

I'm not attracted to any horse.

Well, that's my point.
What if Hawk's a horse

that I don't want
to have sex with?

Well, I would say that maybe
you should meet this horse.

Huh? You know?
Maybe saddle him up,

see if he's someone
you want to ride.

- Did he look trim?
- Pretty much.

- Trim butt?
- He was sitting the whole time.

I need a nice trim butt

to be attracted to a man.

Well, I'd say
it was on the trim side.

It's a bit curvy.

It's... a couple
of nice handfuls.

Could you feel

his magnetism, his machismo?

How? He's British!

Come on, Sophie,
it's Gavin Hawk!

Gavin Hawk.

- Gavin Hawk.
- Mmm. Lower.

(deep voice):
Gavin Hawk.

Lower.

- Lower.
- I'm getting off the phone now.

(dogs whining)

You were so amazing; you had 'em
in the palms of your hands.

- I couldn't believe it.
- It was a good night.

They were eating it up.

Well, a bunch of them
were eating dinner.

But the crowd around me
stopped eating to watch you.

I do put people
off their appetites.

- (women laughing)
- Oh. There's Shy.

- Shy!
- No, Midge, don't.

- I want you to meet him. Shy.
- SHY: Hold this. -Hurry back.

He was great. He was great!

His show was great.

Hello, Midge.
- Shy, really quick,

I just wanted to introduce you

to my... ex-husband.

- Okay.
- I know, I explained it

in my set...
you missed it.

But this is Joel.

Joel, Shy Baldwin.

Nice to meet you, Joel.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Baldwin.
Great show.

I mean, I wasn't your
biggest fan before tonight...

- Good to hear.
- No. I didn't mean it to sound

like I didn't like you before.

I liked you.
But now it's, like, love.

I love you.

Joel, you're on the rebound.

Slow down,
and let's see where this goes.

(chuckles):
I'm sorry.

That's very sweet.

And it's very nice to meet you.

- Same here.
- Thanks, Shy.

See you tomorrow.

Yeah. See you tomorrow.

I mean, uh, she will.

- (chuckles): I don't...
- Wow.

- I fell apart.
- You crumbled like a Lorna Doone.

You're opening for Shy Baldwin.

- Come on, I'll buy you a drink.
- I'm buying you a drink.

- You're opening for Shy Baldwin!
- (laughs)

MIDGE: Cherry lemon cherry.
That should've been something.

JOEL: Lemon blueberry bell.
That should've been something.

MIDGE: Blueberry cherry jackpot.
That should've been something.

JOEL: Lemon jackpot orange.
That should've been something.

MIDGE: These machines
are actually good luck.

You're on Susie's... that's
paid out at least seven times.

- (coins clacking)
- You won!

- I won!
- You're a winner!

- Look at all those pennies!
- Get a cup.

Where do I get a cup?

I won! I need a cup!

He needs a cup!

- (Joel laughing)
- Here...

(band play mellow jazz song)

MIDGE:
You're joking.

- You're not joking?
- I'm not joking.

There's a gambling parlor
in your basement?

- Shh!
- We're buffered by dozens of rectangular states.

- They can't hear us.
- But if they knew I told you,

they would, like,
maybe have me killed.

Or be disappointed in me...
that would hurt worse.

Chinese guilt is almost
as ancient as Jewish guilt.

- Hey. Look.
- Where?

The-the roulette table.
That's what's-her-name.

- Who's-her-name?
- The actress. From your movie.

- What's my movie?
- That movie, the super sexy blonde girl movie.

Pillow Talk?

Pillow Talk?
No, that's Doris Day.

- You think Doris Day is sexy?
- She's wholesome sexy.

But the movie I'm talking about
is a good movie.

- I liked Pillow Talk.
- It's the one with the lady named Midge.

But this lady played
the other lady.

She fell out of a tower.

The man saw her fall
and went, "Aah..."

- Vertigo! Oh.
- Shh, shh, shh!

- That's the lady.
- That's Kim Novak?

(gasps)
That's Kim Novak.

That's what I'm saying.

She's playing roulette?

She's so elegant.
Should I go blonde again?

Oh, my God, Imogene
would die if she was here.

She'd just keel over and die.

- She dabbed her mouth.
- She's all kinds of human.

Kim Novak's lipstick is
on that napkin.

Uh, if only I had
a big, strong man around.

You want the napkin?

- For Imogene.
- On it!

- Really?
- We'll never get this chance again.

We might. I run into her
at Zabars all the time.

But does she ever dab
her lipstick at Zabars?

Mm.

Joel.

(chuckles)

(gasping)

(laughs)

Look at that.

Kim Novak's lips.

She smells good, too.

You smelled Kim Novak?

Hey. Two more.

- (both laughing)
- Oh...

Shh.

♪ ♪

(door closing)

(indistinct chatter in distance)

(sighs)

Oh, hi.

Hi.

(grunts)

- Hoo, boy.
- Yeah.

I got Big Ben in my head.

Mm. What time is it?

Kill me o'clock.

- (sighs)
- Yeah.

Oh, great.
Got an eight-ten split.

Mm. I've got cotton mouth.

Mine's glue.

Or cement.

I'll get us some water.

Or some paint thinner.

(grunts)

(groaning):
Oh, my God.

Some night.

- JOEL: Yeah.
- (grunts)

- (water running)
- Nice hotel.

- Nice people, too.
- (water stops)

- Here.
- Thanks.

(exhales)

Last night...

Yeah?

We saw Shy.

We played slots.

There's your bucket of pennies.

Kim Novak was playing roulette.

We stole her napkin.

You smelled her.

Then you bought drinks
for the whole lounge.

That was dumb.

Especially since they're free.

There's a chapel downstairs.

Right inside the hotel.

How do you know?

Did we...?

No.

I think we...

No.

No, no, no.

Oh, boy.

- Is that a diamond?
- Glass.

Mama knows.

Hold on. Hold on.

I can't feel my tongue.

It's like I've had Novocain.

Seriously, we didn't go to
a dentist last night, did we?

We got married?

We got married.

Shit.

And we definitely didn't go
to a dentist?

Not unless you can get married
at the dentist.

(chuckles)

Why in the world
are you laughing?

You're right.
This is serious.

We have so much to discuss.

Like our starter home.

Something in Westchester
might be nice.

And where to honeymoon.

Niagara Falls
is probably long booked.

- We could go on a cruise.
- Midge.

You should know I have kids.

From a previous marriage,
but I think you'll like them.

- Midge.
- And we should meet each other's parents.

- You're Jewish, right?
- How can they just let

two people drunk off their asses
get married like that?

I don't think they let you get
married here if you're sober.

This is not good.

This is paperwork
and legal stuff.

We just got divorced.

Maybe this time
we'll get a discount.

It's embarrassing.

People shouldn't know.
Don't tell Imogene.

- I won't.
- Or Archie. Or anyone.

It's not right, it's not good.

I've got a...

A what?

You've got a what?

I'm kind of seeing someone.

Oh.
Y-You've got a girlfriend.

- She's not a girlfriend.
- A close friend who's a girl.

- I've got a headache.
- How serious?

- It's a bad fucking headache.
- The girl.

It's very new.

She's the first thing
that came to your mind.

- She wasn't the first thing.
- I won't tell her.

- If that's what you're worried about.
- You don't know her.

I mean, if I see you with her,
I won't tell her we got married

and I sure as hell won't
tell her we slept together.

Can she sharpen a pencil?

You're making this
too big a thing.

And, yes,
she can sharpen a pencil.

You know,
you didn't have to come out.

I didn't mean to pry you away.

- You could've said no.
- Seriously, Midge?

- I'm not upset.
- We're divorced.

And this thing I have, I can't
even call it a relationship yet.

- Yes, you said.
- And I was not the first.

- You were the first.
- The first what?

You were engaged.

And I never gave you trouble.

I'm not engaged now.

No, because that would get
in the way

of entertaining yourself
on the road.

I beg your pardon.

(scoffs)
Midge, come on.

No, no.
What are you talking about?

- Shy Baldwin?
- Oh, come on.

You call his name,
he comes bounding up to you.

He's nice to everybody.

- Fans. Friends. Co-workers.
- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah.
- Then what about this.

Where are you going?

- Joel?
- Whose are these?

They're sure not yours.

They're Susie's.

I'll put 'em back.

I need to get back to my room
and get going.

- My flight's at noon.
- Okay.

I'll, uh...

I'll get into it with my lawyer.

And you should probably
do the same with yours.

I'll call him tomorrow.

I never asked you
about the teddy bears.

They're my weird ask.

Okay.

(door opening, closing)

- (phone ringing)
- (groans)

(grunts) Ow.

(groans)

Hello?

Miriam. It's your father.

Papa, what is it?
Are the kids okay?

The kids are fine.
We're not okay.

ROSE: We got into a huge
fight with Moishe and Shirley.

ABE:
Over hanging the mezuzahs.

ROSE:
It almost came to blows.

Hey, Mama, could you speak
a little quieter, please?

- I've got this headache.
- She says you should be quiet.

- That's not what I said, Papa.
- Be quiet? How dare she?

- Tell her that's not what I said.
- I have a right to speak.

Why were you fighting
about mezuzahs?

Moishe was hanging them wrong.

I told him the letter Shin
should be on top,

facing the doorway,
and he wouldn't listen.

So he was hanging them
upside down?

ABE:
And having Ethan help him.

My own grandson learning
to hang mezuzahs

- like a shmuck.
- He told us to butt out.

Really, Mama,
could you back away

from the phone just
a smidge when you talk?

- She says you should back off.
- No, Mama, that's not what I said.

Miriam, this had been
a bad enough day.

- I don't need you insulting me.
- I have a headache.

Papa, you're
a terrible go-between.

Moishe elbowed me.
With his elbow.

His big, bony elbow.

Just try to hang
on a little longer.

This living with them
is temporary.

SHIRLEY:
♪ Shoo fly pie... ♪

Shirley's coming
and she might be naked.

She walks
around the house naked.

- We've got to go.
- ♪ And your tummy... ♪

(sighs)
Oh, God.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome, everyone,
to the Phoenician Hotel.

- 90 seconds.
- Thanks, Zack.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please take your seats.

Our show is about to begin.

Hey. I made it for "tits up."
Great.

(sighs)
Lovin' this Vegas weather.

70 degrees
in the dead of winter.

New York was freezing.

How've ya been?
Everything good?

- I got married.
- Wait. What?

To Joel. We're married.

- Joel who?
- Joel who? You know who. Joel.

Your ex-husband?
He's in New York.

- He came out to visit.
- Get out of here.

And we got married.
And then we had sex.

You just got divorced.
I was there. I saw it.

The judge guy banged the gavel.

Don't think I'm happy
about this.

You really
couldn't hold it together

- for a few days, Miriam?
- You're supposed

to hold it together for me,
but you weren't here.

Now you're gonna blame me
for you fucking

your ex-husband
and getting married?

Stop, stop.

I know.
It was stupid.

It's not your fault.

We got drunk, it happened.

Look, this is just another part
of a manager's job.

Quickie divorces
for drunk clients.

- I assume you want a divorce?
- Of course.

Don't want to break up
the happy couple.

- Happy couple?
- Nothing.

Yeah, if you could help
with this, that'd be good.

- Hello, ladies.
- Angie, hi. What's up?

- Hi there, Angie.
- Just wondering how it's going.

Shows are winding down,
I'm gonna miss you guys.

(high-pitched): Everything's
going absolutely great.

Just great.

Uh, g-great is a good word
to describe how it's all going.

Excellent's good, too.

Good word, very good word
to describe it.

Stupendous.

- See you after.
- Thanks, Angie.

Your voice is all high.
Why's your voice all high?

(normal voice):
Miriam, listen to me carefully.

Never sit
in Angie's swivel chair.

Okay, I won't sit
in Angie's swivel chair.

We've both had enough of Vegas.

ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to
the Phoenician Hotel Showroom.

- You gonna hang here?
- Uh, a-actually,

I'm gonna go call Reggie,
catch up on some things.

He's been very tough
to get a hold of.

Work, work, work.
(chuckles)

- But w-w-we'll meet up later.
- Great.

- Tits up.
- Tits up.

ANNOUNCER: our favorite funny
lady, Mrs. Maisel.

(cheers and applause)

MIDGE:
Thank you, thank you.

Thank you so very much,
everyone.

So, who here has ever married
her ex-husband?

(laughter)

Get those dice
back to me quick, boys.

The hand is hot.
(whoops)

Everything's good.

Got a Broadway show going,
got my girl up on stage.

I'm raking in the chips.

Everything is definitely...
Hands!

- What?
- Get your goddamn hands up.

- Sorry.
- Amateur.

Double up on everything, boys.

Hard eight, come on hard eight.

MAN:
Hard eight!

- Yes!
- Yes!

- Press the hard eight.
- (whoops)

Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Come on.
(whoops)

Little something for the boys.

Let's go. Hard eight.

Fuckin' dice in my hand.
Come on.

♪ ♪

♪ I like the way
you smile at me ♪

♪ I felt the heat
that enveloped me ♪

♪ And what I saw
I like to see ♪

♪ I never knew ♪

♪ Where evil grew ♪

♪ I should have steered
away from you ♪

♪ My friend told me
to keep clear of you ♪

♪ But something drew me
near to you ♪

♪ I never knew ♪

♪ Where evil grew ♪

♪ Evil grows in the dark ♪

♪ Where the sun,
it never shines ♪

♪ Evil grows
in cracks and holes ♪

♪ And lives in people's minds ♪

♪ Evil grew,
it's part of you ♪

♪ And now it seems to be ♪

♪ That every time
I look at you ♪

♪ Evil grows in me. ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Evil grew,
it's part of you ♪

♪ And now it seems to be ♪

♪ That every time
I look at you ♪

♪ Evil grows... in me. ♪