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MIGUEL:�Newfoundland�finds itself�in�a�housing�crisis.
All�their�houses�are�on a�rock�in�the�Atlantic.
EMMA:�"Dismantle�the�CBC" supporters�insist�the�only�man
who�can�save�Canada�is�the the�star�of�Dragon's�Den.
MIGUEL:�And�is�Mel�Gibson's comeback�Hollywood's�latest
attempt�to�prove�it's not�run�by�Jews?
(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)
Welcome�to�The�Beaverton.
Canada's�least�fact-checked source�of�news.
I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
And�our�researchers�tell�me I'm�Emma�Hunter,
but�what�do�they�know?
Our�top�story,
for�the�first�time�since taking�office,�Prime�Minister,
Justin�Trudeau�finds�himself trailing�another�politician
in�the�polls.
According�to�a�recent�survey, nine�out�of�10�Canadians�say
their�favorite�public�servant is�the�New�York�Times�version
of�Justin�Trudeau,
citing�his�unwavering commitment�to�feminism,
the�environment, and�photo�bombing.
The�New�York�Times�Trudeau is�said�to�be�more�compatible
with�the�Canadian�electorate
than�his�arms-dealing, pipeline-approving,
regular�bombing�counterpart.
While�a�PMO�spokesperson dismissed�suggestions
that�the�poll�results are�cause�for�concern,
the�Prime�Minister�has unveiled�a�new�attack�ad,
accusing�Times�Trudeau of�being
an�over-the-top�caricature of�a�progressive�man,
and�demanding�he�stop�giving the�nation�"ideas."
After�the�success
of�CRTC-mandated skinny�cable�packages,
where�you�get�fewer�channels for�less�money,
Bell�and�Rogers�are�now offering�their�customers
a�skinny�Internet�bundle,
where�for�a�lower monthly�cost,�you�can�access
up�to�10�websites.
For�$10.99�a�month,
subscribers�will�be allowed�access
to�popular�websites such�as�cbc.ca,�ask.com,
and�a�German�Star�Trek forum�called�duesselworf.de.
Said�one�user on�his�Google+�page,
"It's�nice�to�save a�bit�of�money,
"but�I�do�wish�the�closest thing�to�sports
"wasn't�the�three�French weather�sites.
"Also,�I'm�masturbating to�the�weirdest�stuff�now."
For�elite�clientele looking�to�pay�a�little�more,
Bell�is�introducing Platinum�Internet,
which�gives�customers access�to�the�entire�Internet
at�blistering�speeds�Canadians didn't�know�were�normal
everywhere�else�in�the�world.
For�many,�the�moment you�become�a�parent
is�the�moment you�ask�yourself,
"When�can�I�leave�this�child at�home�alone
"and�get�back to�my�regular�life?"
No,�it's�not.
Miguel's�attitude is�exactly�the�reason
our�society�is�becoming
dangerously�overprotective of�our�children.
Here�to�tell�you�how to�leave�your�kids�at�home
at�a�reasonable�age
is�child�safety�and�parenting expert,�Terrence�Vollup.
-Hi,�Terrence. -Thanks,�Emma.
-(CHUCKLES) -Children�are�resilient.
They�can�walk�to�school by�themselves
or�make a�snack�without�supervision.
But�there's�one�thing�they can't�deal�with�on�their�own.
Band�saw�or�pressure�cooker?
Nosey�neighbors.
Specifically,�the�ones that�call�Social�Services
every�time�you�leave�them alone�for,�like,
two�goddamn�seconds.
Thankfully,�there�is a�great�new�startup
that�can�help�with�that. Social�Services�Services.
Okay.�What�do�they�do?
They�protect�your�family from�the�prying�eyes
of�well-meaning�neighbors.
Their�basic�package�includes a�cardboard�cutout
of�you�mounted�onto�a�Roomba
to�pass�open�windows at�bedtime.
It's�like�getting�a�babysitter and�a�house�cleaner�in�one.
Why�not�just hire�a�babysitter?
Twenty�bucks�an�hour,�plus Pizza�Pockets�for�15�years.
Trust�me,�this�is�cheaper.
Of�course, if�you're�interested
in�paying�a�little�more,
the�next�package includes�a�secret�tunnel
connecting�your�basement
to�the�nearest major�intersection,
so�you�can�leave�the�house without�Judgy-Face�next�door
waving�down�the�cops and�ruining�date�night.
Ugh,�communities are�the�worst.
Um,�but�what�if,�say, someone�you�know
sees�you�and�your�spouse out�in�public�without�a�child.
-Won't�that�raise�an�alarm? -Absolutely.
That's�why�they�also�offer a�premium�service.
It's�expensive,�but,�hey,�you can't�really�put�a�price
on�neglecting your�child,�right?
Hey,�I'm�not�sure�that's...
It�includes an�emergency�blow-up�child.
The�minute�you�see�a�familiar face,�press�the�button,
and�that�little whipper-snapper inflates�faster
than�the�air�bags in�your�minivan
that�you�left�in�your�driveway for�the�sake�of�appearances.
So,�Terrence,�what�do�you suggest�is�the�right�age
to�leave�your�child�at�home alone�by�themselves?
(CHUCKLES)�How�should�I�know?
I'm�not�a�parent. I'm�a�parenting�expert.
Personally,�I�don't�care for�children.
Look,�the�reality�is some�parents�are�neglectful.
What�happens�if Social�Services�Services
goes�into�a�home
and�realizes�there's a�legitimate�reason�to�contact
actual�Social�Services?
In�that�case,�they�gossip with�your�neighbors,
who�will�take�it�from�there.
We�live�in�an�age where�parent-shaming
is�the�biggest�threat
to�your�family's�security.
Look�at�what�happens when�a�pregnant�woman
takes�a�sip�of�wine
or�how�fast�someone�smashes a�window�to�rescue�your�child
from�a�room-temperature�car.
Something�like�that�hits the�Internet,
and�suddenly you're�the�next�Octo-Mom.
Wow.�Thanks,�Terrence. I'm�sure�Miguel�learned�a�lot.
(LAUGHS)
When�we�return, is�50�the�new�30?
Scientists�say,�"Stop�it. That's�not�how�time�works."
You�know,�for�me, 30�is�the�new�50.
Coming�up�later...
EMMA:�Donald�Trump�holds�his weekly�cabinet�meeting�at�the
K�Street�Carl's�Jr.
MIGUEL:�Bombardier�announces a�new�round�of�layoffs
for�more�workers than�it�currently�employs.
EMMA:�And�we'll�catch�up with�Russian�punk�activists
Pussy�Riot,
who've�grown�up,�mellowed�out,
and�now�go�by Vagina�Disagreement.
A�pregnant�teen�is�thanking prolife�advocates
who�inadvertently�showed�her the�location
of�an�abortion�clinic by�protesting�in�front�of�it.
According�to�18-year-old Alison�Stomeau,
"I�had�no�idea�there�was a�women's�clinic�there
"'til�I�saw�them�chanting and�walking�in�circles.
"Plus,�when�I�left,�I�was handed�a�pamphlet�that�said,
"over�100,000�women�have abortions�in�Canada
"every�year.
"Suddenly,�I�didn't�feel so�alone."
Stomeau�plans�to�join the�prolife�advocates
at�their�next�protest
to�help�educate�other�women about�clinic�locations.
The�Department�of Oceans�and�Fisheries
has�a�grim�message for�Canadians.
According�to�a�new�report,
if�we�continue�to�overfish at�our�current�rate,
in�just�15�years,
we'll�be�forced�to�eat the�weird�nightmare�fish
that�dwell�at the�bottom�of�our�oceans.
Over�80%�of�aquatic�species are�at�risk.
Supermarkets�will�soon run�out�of�salmon�and�tuna,
forcing�them�to�sell
horrifying�deep-sea replacements
like�gulper�eels,�dragonfish,
or�please,�God, not�blood-sucking�lampreys.
The�report�warned�that other�forms�of�food�production
will�also�become�disgusting
in�the�near�future, stating�that,
"Thanks�to�our�unsustainable cattle�farming�techniques,
"sirloin�steak�is�only a�few�decades�away
"from�being�replaced with�tarantula�mignon."
To�Montreal�now,�the�city that,�like�your�grandmother,
was�probably�swinging in�the�'60s.
Finally,�Montreal�has instituted�reforms
to�its�electoral�process in�order�to�address
the�city's�ongoing�problem with�corruption.
Our�own�Marilla�Wex�reports.
Montreal�is�widely�regarded
as�Canada's most�corrupt�metropolis,
with�organized�crime firmly�embedded
in�all�the�cornerstones of�the�city's�economy.
From�construction�sites�all the�way�to�homeless�shelters.
Years�of�public�inquiries have�done�little
to�fix�the�problem,
prompting�Montrealers to�openly�embrace
their�ruling�mob-ocracy
on�one�condition.
Open�elections�for the�position�of�city�mob�boss.
It�was�an�offer the�mafia�couldn't�refuse
or,�at�the�very�least, chose�not�to.
On�the�eve�of�the�final leader's�debate
before�the�election,
candidates�from�each�of the�city's�three�major�parties
agreed�to�sit�down�with�me,
on�condition�that we�do�so�publicly
in�front�of�several�witnesses.
Hey,�vote�for�me.�I�know where�your�mother�lives.
MARILLA:�Joey�Cerignola, whose�Italians�are�known
as�Montreal's�natural governing�mafia,
says�he's�running�on a�platform�rooted
in�traditional�values.
It's�like�I�always�say,
family�first,
specifically�my�family.
MARILLA:�Irish�boss Bugsy�O'Finnegan
grew�up�in�a�neighborhood
full�of�pimps,�prostitutes and�petty�thugs.
If�elected,�he�promises that�your�kids�will�too.
And�Russian�leader, Yvgeny�Vzlomshchik
is�framing�his�campaign as�a�matter�of�public�health.
(CIGARETTE�BURNING)
It's�just�simple. You�vote�for�me,
or�I�kill�you.
Right.�Right.
Oh,�you�mean�me. No,�I'm�not�eligible.
The�race�is�a�virtual�deadlock
with�labor�union�leaders endorsing
all�three�candidates.
In�a�bid�to�pull�ahead, O'Finnegan�released
an�attack�ad
targeting�Cerignola's involvement
in�a�devastating legitimacy�scandal
that�threatened to�sink�his�campaign.
O'FINNEGAN:�Joey�Cerignola says�his�dairy�concern
is�just�a�money�laundering ring�for�his�criminal�empire.
Then�why�did�Farbes�Magazine name�Cerignola�Farms
one�of�Canada's�fastest growing�companies�of�2016?
Joey�Cerignola. You�just�can�trust�him.
Paid�for�by�the�friend of�a�friend�of�a�friend.
MARILLA:�The�election swung�dramatically
after�a�debate�held in�the�meat�locker
of�a�local�butcher�shop.
All�three�would-be bosses�attended,
plus�a�Green�Party�candidate who�was�just�happy
to�be�invited.
How�does�Mr.�Vzlomshchik plan�to�provide�his�voters
with�the�publicly�subsidized hookers�and�blow
he's�promising without�raising�taxes?
MAN:�Mr.�Vzlomshchik, your�rebuttal.
MARILLA:�Vzlomshchik's�strong debate�performance
made�it�seem�certain
that�he�would�be�the�first Russian�leader
ever�to�be legitimately�elected,
but�the�Italians�eked�out a�stunning�last-second�win
by�securing the�coveted�dead�vote.
For�his�part,�Cerignola was�gracious�in�victory.
While�I'm�reluctant�to�accept the�title�of�mob�boss,
as�I�have�no�idea�what you're�talking�about,
I�am�honored to�welcome�this�city
into�our�humble family�business.
REPORTER:�One�more�question. Mr.�Cerignola...
(REPORTERS�CLAMORING)
While�Cerignola's election�means
Montreal�will�remain the�same�crumbling�shithole
it�already�was,
Montrealers�can�now�feel a�sense�of�ownership
over�who�runs this�train�wreck.
And�the�illusion�of�democracy is�what�Canadian�politics
is�all�about.
Marilla�Wex,�The�Beaverton.
Thanks,�Marilla.�Tell�Joey I�said�hi�to�his�mother.
A�feminist�bedding�company has�designed�a�new�pillow
specifically�for�women dealing�with�misogyny
to�scream their�frustrations�into.
Called�the�Snoozan�B.�Anthony,
the�contoured�memory�foam is�shaped�to�accommodate
the�face-first�drop of�an�angry�female
who�just�lost�her�promotion to�the�new�guy
the�boss�calls�Funny�Steve.
The�Egyptian�cotton�is�perfect for�absorbing�rage�tears
when�called�an�ugly�road�whore
for�not�smiling when�a�guy�says,
"Why�don't�you�smile�more?"
The�same�company is�also�working
on�a�lavender�eye-mask,
which�will�help�women to�un-see�dick�pics.
After�the�break, our�relationship�expert
shows�you�how�to�turn every�date�into�a�speed�date
with�Methamphetamines.
I�do�that.
You�know,�I've�never�done a�drug�in�my�life.
-I�know. -I�think...
EMMA:�I�already�know�that.
Later�this�hour,
CSIS�has�released�everything it�says�you�need�to�know
about�redacted�redacted airborne�redacted.
MIGUEL:�Scientists�have discovered�a�cure�for�baldness
in�eagles.
EMMA:�And�the�nation's�uncles discover�vast�nickel�deposits
behind�their�nephews'�ears.
Welcome�back.�We�all�know legalizing�marijuana
is�our�generation's civil�rights�movement.
No.
But�as�Canada�drafts�laws, debate�rages�on�one�issue.
How�young�is too�young�to�smoke�up?
Our�own Donavon�Stinson�investigates.
There's�no�way�around�it.
Marijuana�will�be legal�in�Canada.
It's�a�populist�policy�that may�have�swung�the�election
by�bringing�out younger�voters.
But�how�will�the�Liberals prevent�legal�weed
from�reaching�those�underage?
I�spoke�to�Liberal�drug�czar, Buzz�Deringer
to�find�out�how�he's�planning on�keeping�kids'�hands
out�of�the�cookie�jar where�we�keep�our�stash.
So�Buzz, the�Tories�accused�you
of�planning�on selling�drugs�to�children.
Do�their�concerns hold�any�water?
More�like�bong�water.�(LAUGHS)
Are�you�high�right�now?
Look,�we're�not�naive.
We�know�what our�nation's�kids�are�up�to.
That's�why�we�believe
kids�as�young�as�14 should�be�able
to�smoke�weed,
as�long�as it's�with�their�parents.
No,�but�seriously, are�you�holding?
DONAVON:�Jody�is�a�typical 14-year-old�from�Edmonton.
It's�cool. It's�rolled�a�little�tight.
DONAVON:�His�parents�found�out about�the�proposed�law
the�same�day�they�found their�son's�weed.
Hey,�Jody,
I�ever�tell�you�about�the�time your�mom�and�I
road�tripped�to�Big�Sky?
I�love�Big�Sky. By�the�way,�that's�where
I�found�my�pet�lynx.
We�made�love�under�the�stars.
And�afterwards,�as�we�lay naked�in�our�embrace,
I�looked�up
and�I�saw�the�face�of�God.
Oh,�yeah.�Cool,�thank�you.
Um,�so�what�do�you�think about�this�new�policy?
I�mean�it�is,�um... It's�pretty�dope,�right?
Why�don't�we�hang�out like�this�all�the�time?
(STAMMERING) 'Cause�we�just�met.
No,�I�meant�that�kid.
My�kid.
Yeah,�he...�He�left.
Legalizing recreational�marijuana
will�be�a�boon to�the�economy.
Ticket�sales�for�Osheaga are�up�70%.
Yeah,�reports�say that�Colorado�see
the�real�rebound�in the�sagging�laser�show�sector.
Totally.�Plus,�parents can�bond�with�their�kids.
Wait.�Isn't�the�point of�forcing�kids
to�smoke�with�their�parents
a�way�of�deterring teen�drug�use?
Exactly.
Yeah,�but�what�is�it,�then? Are�you...
Are�you�trying to�encourage�the�sale
on�taxation�of�cannabis
or�prevent�it?�Because you�can't�have�it�both�ways.
-Can't�we? -Or�can�you?
We're�the�Liberal�Party,�dude.
Being�cravenly�two-faced is�one
of�the�few�things�our�platform is�pretty�clear�about.
Trust�me.�It'll�make more�sense�after�one�more�hit.
Ooh.
We�should�go�swimming.
(LAUGHING)
I�had�to�hand�it�to�Buzz.
Once�you�get�through the�legalese
and�those�two�verses of�"Tweezer,"
the�Liberal's�proposal�is a�piece�of�legislation
that�we�can�all�get�behind.
For�the�Donavon, I'm�Beaverton.
Thanks,�Donavon. Uh,�me�and�Wedgie,
the�lighting�guy, will�meet�you
in�the�parking�lot after�the�show.
Regardless�of�how or�when�it's�legalized,
marijuana�will�have a�huge�impact�on�our�economy.
For�more�on�that,�we're�joined by�Laura�Cilevitz.
Thanks,�Miguel.
Since�legalizing�marijuana,
Colorado�has�managed to�turn�it
into�a�billion-dollar industry,
and�all�without�cannibalizing
the�state's�other billion-dollar�industry.
-Skiing? -Prisons.
Specifically�prison�labor.
Even�more�specifically, prison�labor
done�by�marijuana�criminals.
Canada�should�take�note.
But�surely,�Canada�doesn't�use prison�labor�for�profit
the�way the�United�States�does.
Good�one,�Miguel.
Canadian�prison�factories produce�a�ton
of�low�cost, high�value�consumer�goods
like�wine,�bras, and�hygiene�products.
Pretty�much�everything that�goes�on�or�in�our�bodies
has�been�touched by�convicted�felons.
I�just�love�my�Beaver�Creek Penitentiary�Brand�underwear.
It�provides�minimum confinement
with�maximum�support.
Anyway,�without a�constant�stream
of�low�level marijuana�convictions,
there's�a�real�risk our�incarceration�rates
could�drop�from�too�high to�just�very�high.
And�that's�a�huge�problem�for the�hard�working�businesses
in�Canada's caged-human�industry.
What�makes�prison�labor appealing,�Laura?
One�word. "Low�overhead�costs."
The�average�salary�of a�Canadian�prisoner
is�just�$3�a�day.
They�bring�all�the�benefits of�a�foreign�sweatshop�worker
with�none�of�the�drawbacks, like�going�home�at�night.
So�who's�going�to make�my�undies�now?
Oh,�there's�lots�of�ways to�cover�the�labor�shortfall.
I�don't�wanna�tell the�police�how�to�recruit,
but�I�would�suggest street�racers,
pipeline�protestors,�cyclists.
The�point�is,�we'll�still�be cleaning�up�our�streets
and�getting�quality�products at�discount�prices.
It's�like�shanking two�birds�with�one�stone.
Thanks,�Laura.�You�terrify�me.
Coming�up, our�social�media�expert
tells�you�how�to�maintain your�personal�brand
during�a�home�invasion.�Ooh!
-Okay. -Spooky.
With�Canada's�150th�birthday less�than�six�months�away,
some�officials�are�concerned that�Canada's�history
doesn't�have�enough celebration-worthy�moments.
The�solution?�Create�a�bunch before�July�1st.
The�busy�history-engineering schedule�begins�in�March,
when�Canada�will�have a�civil�war,
heightening�historic�tensions between�Alberta
and�the�rest�of the�country�it�hates.
Then�a�communist�coup will�turn�us
into�an�agrarian�society for�a�few�weeks,
giving�rise�to�an�earthy�and unique�folk�music�tradition.
A�government spokesperson�said,
"We�were�hoping�the�trade�deal with�the�European�Union
"would�be�historic�enough,
"but�people�don't�seem to�care�where�we�sell
"our�cheese�and�wood."
But�Canada's�confident�we�will have�plenty�to�celebrate
after�building�pyramids in�the�Prairies,
recovering�from�a�massive plague�in�the�spring
and�becoming�the�first�nation to�allow�horses�to�vote.
2016�was�a�terrible�year for�the�United�States,
from�the�worst�election in�their�history
to�X-Men�Apocalypse.
-I�actually�liked�it. -You�liked�Jupiter�Ascending.
But�2016�also�saw�key�allies, Turkey�and�the�Philippines,
abandon�the�USA for�Russia�and�China.
This�brings�us�to tonight's�Point/Counter�Point.
Should�Canada�ditch�the�U.S. and�find�someone�else
to�suck�up�to?
I'll�start�by�saying�that I�don't�think�Canada
does�suck�up to�the�United�States.
Really,�Miguel?�Kowtowing on�softwood�lumber,
getting�dragged into�Afghanistan,
making�this�face�every�time Canada�gets�mentioned
on�American�TV.
Okay,�so�even�if�we�do�have a�special�relationship
with�the�U.S.,
it's�made�us�one of�the�most�powerful
and�prosperous�nations
in�the�mid-to-mid�upper�tier of�nations,
like�a�super�Norway or�a�crummy�Japan.
In�the�past,�maybe,
but�America's�on a�downward�spiral,
and�we�need�to�find�someone else�to�brown�nose�pronto.
Without�powerful�allies, we're�just�cold�Australia.
First,�don't�ever�compare�us to�those�Vegemite�lovers.
-Well... -And�second,�okay,�it's�true.
For�all�its�faults,�the�U.S. is�the�only�great�power
that�even�pays�lip�service to�freedom�and�democracy.
I�know.�It's�what makes�them�so�insufferable.
They're�always�saying,
"Hold�fair and�open�elections,
"free�trade�benefits.
"Everyone,�don't invade�Greenland."
Greenland�should�be ours,�Miguel,
and�everyone watching�knows�it!
If�we�cut�loose�from�America, we'll�be�at�the�mercy
of�countries�that�feel that�way�about�us.
Unless�we�find�some bigger�boots�to�lick.
Do�you�think�the�Russians would�care
if�we�invaded�someone?�No!
They'd�say, "Go�ahead.�Take�it."
Unless�they�wanted to�invade�it�first,
which�would�be totally�cool�with�us.
This�is�exactly�the�kind of�war�mongering
that�U.S.�power�helps�curtail.
Yeah,�and�what�has that�gotten�us?
Certainly�not�Greenland!
But�if�it's�not gonna�be�Russia,
who�would�you�like�us to�suck�up�to?
-China? -Even�worse.
So�what?�You�think�we shouldn't�suck�up�to�anybody?
Well,�obviously�not.�I�mean, you�gotta�kiss�somebody's�ass.
Yeah,�it's�basically�our whole�national�identity.
Well,�I'm�really�glad that�we�found some�common�ground
once�this�year.
Yeah.
And�with�that�we've�reached the�end�of�our�broadcast
and,�more�significantly, the�end�of�the�news.
We'll�see�you�again�as�soon�as something,�anything,�happens.
That's�really�interesting that�you�would�say
the�news�is�over because�that's�absurd.
Well,�it�is.
But�that�doesn't�make a�shred�of�sense.
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