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Original subtitles

MIGUEL:�Newfoundland�finds itself�in�a�housing�crisis.

All�their�houses�are�on a�rock�in�the�Atlantic.

EMMA:�"Dismantle�the�CBC" supporters�insist�the�only�man

who�can�save�Canada�is�the the�star�of�Dragon's�Den.

MIGUEL:�And�is�Mel�Gibson's comeback�Hollywood's�latest

attempt�to�prove�it's not�run�by�Jews?

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

Welcome�to�The�Beaverton.

Canada's�least�fact-checked source�of�news.

I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

And�our�researchers�tell�me I'm�Emma�Hunter,

but�what�do�they�know?

Our�top�story,

for�the�first�time�since taking�office,�Prime�Minister,

Justin�Trudeau�finds�himself trailing�another�politician

in�the�polls.

According�to�a�recent�survey, nine�out�of�10�Canadians�say

their�favorite�public�servant is�the�New�York�Times�version

of�Justin�Trudeau,

citing�his�unwavering commitment�to�feminism,

the�environment, and�photo�bombing.

The�New�York�Times�Trudeau is�said�to�be�more�compatible

with�the�Canadian�electorate

than�his�arms-dealing, pipeline-approving,

regular�bombing�counterpart.

While�a�PMO�spokesperson dismissed�suggestions

that�the�poll�results are�cause�for�concern,

the�Prime�Minister�has unveiled�a�new�attack�ad,

accusing�Times�Trudeau of�being

an�over-the-top�caricature of�a�progressive�man,

and�demanding�he�stop�giving the�nation�"ideas."

After�the�success

of�CRTC-mandated skinny�cable�packages,

where�you�get�fewer�channels for�less�money,

Bell�and�Rogers�are�now offering�their�customers

a�skinny�Internet�bundle,

where�for�a�lower monthly�cost,�you�can�access

up�to�10�websites.

For�$10.99�a�month,

subscribers�will�be allowed�access

to�popular�websites such�as�cbc.ca,�ask.com,

and�a�German�Star�Trek forum�called�duesselworf.de.

Said�one�user on�his�Google+�page,

"It's�nice�to�save a�bit�of�money,

"but�I�do�wish�the�closest thing�to�sports

"wasn't�the�three�French weather�sites.

"Also,�I'm�masturbating to�the�weirdest�stuff�now."

For�elite�clientele looking�to�pay�a�little�more,

Bell�is�introducing Platinum�Internet,

which�gives�customers access�to�the�entire�Internet

at�blistering�speeds�Canadians didn't�know�were�normal

everywhere�else�in�the�world.

For�many,�the�moment you�become�a�parent

is�the�moment you�ask�yourself,

"When�can�I�leave�this�child at�home�alone

"and�get�back to�my�regular�life?"

No,�it's�not.

Miguel's�attitude is�exactly�the�reason

our�society�is�becoming

dangerously�overprotective of�our�children.

Here�to�tell�you�how to�leave�your�kids�at�home

at�a�reasonable�age

is�child�safety�and�parenting expert,�Terrence�Vollup.

-Hi,�Terrence. -Thanks,�Emma.

-(CHUCKLES) -Children�are�resilient.

They�can�walk�to�school by�themselves

or�make a�snack�without�supervision.

But�there's�one�thing�they can't�deal�with�on�their�own.

Band�saw�or�pressure�cooker?

Nosey�neighbors.

Specifically,�the�ones that�call�Social�Services

every�time�you�leave�them alone�for,�like,

two�goddamn�seconds.

Thankfully,�there�is a�great�new�startup

that�can�help�with�that. Social�Services�Services.

Okay.�What�do�they�do?

They�protect�your�family from�the�prying�eyes

of�well-meaning�neighbors.

Their�basic�package�includes a�cardboard�cutout

of�you�mounted�onto�a�Roomba

to�pass�open�windows at�bedtime.

It's�like�getting�a�babysitter and�a�house�cleaner�in�one.

Why�not�just hire�a�babysitter?

Twenty�bucks�an�hour,�plus Pizza�Pockets�for�15�years.

Trust�me,�this�is�cheaper.

Of�course, if�you're�interested

in�paying�a�little�more,

the�next�package includes�a�secret�tunnel

connecting�your�basement

to�the�nearest major�intersection,

so�you�can�leave�the�house without�Judgy-Face�next�door

waving�down�the�cops and�ruining�date�night.

Ugh,�communities are�the�worst.

Um,�but�what�if,�say, someone�you�know

sees�you�and�your�spouse out�in�public�without�a�child.

-Won't�that�raise�an�alarm? -Absolutely.

That's�why�they�also�offer a�premium�service.

It's�expensive,�but,�hey,�you can't�really�put�a�price

on�neglecting your�child,�right?

Hey,�I'm�not�sure�that's...

It�includes an�emergency�blow-up�child.

The�minute�you�see�a�familiar face,�press�the�button,

and�that�little whipper-snapper inflates�faster

than�the�air�bags in�your�minivan

that�you�left�in�your�driveway for�the�sake�of�appearances.

So,�Terrence,�what�do�you suggest�is�the�right�age

to�leave�your�child�at�home alone�by�themselves?

(CHUCKLES)�How�should�I�know?

I'm�not�a�parent. I'm�a�parenting�expert.

Personally,�I�don't�care for�children.

Look,�the�reality�is some�parents�are�neglectful.

What�happens�if Social�Services�Services

goes�into�a�home

and�realizes�there's a�legitimate�reason�to�contact

actual�Social�Services?

In�that�case,�they�gossip with�your�neighbors,

who�will�take�it�from�there.

We�live�in�an�age where�parent-shaming

is�the�biggest�threat

to�your�family's�security.

Look�at�what�happens when�a�pregnant�woman

takes�a�sip�of�wine

or�how�fast�someone�smashes a�window�to�rescue�your�child

from�a�room-temperature�car.

Something�like�that�hits the�Internet,

and�suddenly you're�the�next�Octo-Mom.

Wow.�Thanks,�Terrence. I'm�sure�Miguel�learned�a�lot.

(LAUGHS)

When�we�return, is�50�the�new�30?

Scientists�say,�"Stop�it. That's�not�how�time�works."

You�know,�for�me, 30�is�the�new�50.

Coming�up�later...

EMMA:�Donald�Trump�holds�his weekly�cabinet�meeting�at�the

K�Street�Carl's�Jr.

MIGUEL:�Bombardier�announces a�new�round�of�layoffs

for�more�workers than�it�currently�employs.

EMMA:�And�we'll�catch�up with�Russian�punk�activists

Pussy�Riot,

who've�grown�up,�mellowed�out,

and�now�go�by Vagina�Disagreement.

A�pregnant�teen�is�thanking prolife�advocates

who�inadvertently�showed�her the�location

of�an�abortion�clinic by�protesting�in�front�of�it.

According�to�18-year-old Alison�Stomeau,

"I�had�no�idea�there�was a�women's�clinic�there

"'til�I�saw�them�chanting and�walking�in�circles.

"Plus,�when�I�left,�I�was handed�a�pamphlet�that�said,

"over�100,000�women�have abortions�in�Canada

"every�year.

"Suddenly,�I�didn't�feel so�alone."

Stomeau�plans�to�join the�prolife�advocates

at�their�next�protest

to�help�educate�other�women about�clinic�locations.

The�Department�of Oceans�and�Fisheries

has�a�grim�message for�Canadians.

According�to�a�new�report,

if�we�continue�to�overfish at�our�current�rate,

in�just�15�years,

we'll�be�forced�to�eat the�weird�nightmare�fish

that�dwell�at the�bottom�of�our�oceans.

Over�80%�of�aquatic�species are�at�risk.

Supermarkets�will�soon run�out�of�salmon�and�tuna,

forcing�them�to�sell

horrifying�deep-sea replacements

like�gulper�eels,�dragonfish,

or�please,�God, not�blood-sucking�lampreys.

The�report�warned�that other�forms�of�food�production

will�also�become�disgusting

in�the�near�future, stating�that,

"Thanks�to�our�unsustainable cattle�farming�techniques,

"sirloin�steak�is�only a�few�decades�away

"from�being�replaced with�tarantula�mignon."

To�Montreal�now,�the�city that,�like�your�grandmother,

was�probably�swinging in�the�'60s.

Finally,�Montreal�has instituted�reforms

to�its�electoral�process in�order�to�address

the�city's�ongoing�problem with�corruption.

Our�own�Marilla�Wex�reports.

Montreal�is�widely�regarded

as�Canada's most�corrupt�metropolis,

with�organized�crime firmly�embedded

in�all�the�cornerstones of�the�city's�economy.

From�construction�sites�all the�way�to�homeless�shelters.

Years�of�public�inquiries have�done�little

to�fix�the�problem,

prompting�Montrealers to�openly�embrace

their�ruling�mob-ocracy

on�one�condition.

Open�elections�for the�position�of�city�mob�boss.

It�was�an�offer the�mafia�couldn't�refuse

or,�at�the�very�least, chose�not�to.

On�the�eve�of�the�final leader's�debate

before�the�election,

candidates�from�each�of the�city's�three�major�parties

agreed�to�sit�down�with�me,

on�condition�that we�do�so�publicly

in�front�of�several�witnesses.

Hey,�vote�for�me.�I�know where�your�mother�lives.

MARILLA:�Joey�Cerignola, whose�Italians�are�known

as�Montreal's�natural governing�mafia,

says�he's�running�on a�platform�rooted

in�traditional�values.

It's�like�I�always�say,

family�first,

specifically�my�family.

MARILLA:�Irish�boss Bugsy�O'Finnegan

grew�up�in�a�neighborhood

full�of�pimps,�prostitutes and�petty�thugs.

If�elected,�he�promises that�your�kids�will�too.

And�Russian�leader, Yvgeny�Vzlomshchik

is�framing�his�campaign as�a�matter�of�public�health.

(CIGARETTE�BURNING)

It's�just�simple. You�vote�for�me,

or�I�kill�you.

Right.�Right.

Oh,�you�mean�me. No,�I'm�not�eligible.

The�race�is�a�virtual�deadlock

with�labor�union�leaders endorsing

all�three�candidates.

In�a�bid�to�pull�ahead, O'Finnegan�released

an�attack�ad

targeting�Cerignola's involvement

in�a�devastating legitimacy�scandal

that�threatened to�sink�his�campaign.

O'FINNEGAN:�Joey�Cerignola says�his�dairy�concern

is�just�a�money�laundering ring�for�his�criminal�empire.

Then�why�did�Farbes�Magazine name�Cerignola�Farms

one�of�Canada's�fastest growing�companies�of�2016?

Joey�Cerignola. You�just�can�trust�him.

Paid�for�by�the�friend of�a�friend�of�a�friend.

MARILLA:�The�election swung�dramatically

after�a�debate�held in�the�meat�locker

of�a�local�butcher�shop.

All�three�would-be bosses�attended,

plus�a�Green�Party�candidate who�was�just�happy

to�be�invited.

How�does�Mr.�Vzlomshchik plan�to�provide�his�voters

with�the�publicly�subsidized hookers�and�blow

he's�promising without�raising�taxes?

MAN:�Mr.�Vzlomshchik, your�rebuttal.

MARILLA:�Vzlomshchik's�strong debate�performance

made�it�seem�certain

that�he�would�be�the�first Russian�leader

ever�to�be legitimately�elected,

but�the�Italians�eked�out a�stunning�last-second�win

by�securing the�coveted�dead�vote.

For�his�part,�Cerignola was�gracious�in�victory.

While�I'm�reluctant�to�accept the�title�of�mob�boss,

as�I�have�no�idea�what you're�talking�about,

I�am�honored to�welcome�this�city

into�our�humble family�business.

REPORTER:�One�more�question. Mr.�Cerignola...

(REPORTERS�CLAMORING)

While�Cerignola's election�means

Montreal�will�remain the�same�crumbling�shithole

it�already�was,

Montrealers�can�now�feel a�sense�of�ownership

over�who�runs this�train�wreck.

And�the�illusion�of�democracy is�what�Canadian�politics

is�all�about.

Marilla�Wex,�The�Beaverton.

Thanks,�Marilla.�Tell�Joey I�said�hi�to�his�mother.

A�feminist�bedding�company has�designed�a�new�pillow

specifically�for�women dealing�with�misogyny

to�scream their�frustrations�into.

Called�the�Snoozan�B.�Anthony,

the�contoured�memory�foam is�shaped�to�accommodate

the�face-first�drop of�an�angry�female

who�just�lost�her�promotion to�the�new�guy

the�boss�calls�Funny�Steve.

The�Egyptian�cotton�is�perfect for�absorbing�rage�tears

when�called�an�ugly�road�whore

for�not�smiling when�a�guy�says,

"Why�don't�you�smile�more?"

The�same�company is�also�working

on�a�lavender�eye-mask,

which�will�help�women to�un-see�dick�pics.

After�the�break, our�relationship�expert

shows�you�how�to�turn every�date�into�a�speed�date

with�Methamphetamines.

I�do�that.

You�know,�I've�never�done a�drug�in�my�life.

-I�know. -I�think...

EMMA:�I�already�know�that.

Later�this�hour,

CSIS�has�released�everything it�says�you�need�to�know

about�redacted�redacted airborne�redacted.

MIGUEL:�Scientists�have discovered�a�cure�for�baldness

in�eagles.

EMMA:�And�the�nation's�uncles discover�vast�nickel�deposits

behind�their�nephews'�ears.

Welcome�back.�We�all�know legalizing�marijuana

is�our�generation's civil�rights�movement.

No.

But�as�Canada�drafts�laws, debate�rages�on�one�issue.

How�young�is too�young�to�smoke�up?

Our�own Donavon�Stinson�investigates.

There's�no�way�around�it.

Marijuana�will�be legal�in�Canada.

It's�a�populist�policy�that may�have�swung�the�election

by�bringing�out younger�voters.

But�how�will�the�Liberals prevent�legal�weed

from�reaching�those�underage?

I�spoke�to�Liberal�drug�czar, Buzz�Deringer

to�find�out�how�he's�planning on�keeping�kids'�hands

out�of�the�cookie�jar where�we�keep�our�stash.

So�Buzz, the�Tories�accused�you

of�planning�on selling�drugs�to�children.

Do�their�concerns hold�any�water?

More�like�bong�water.�(LAUGHS)

Are�you�high�right�now?

Look,�we're�not�naive.

We�know�what our�nation's�kids�are�up�to.

That's�why�we�believe

kids�as�young�as�14 should�be�able

to�smoke�weed,

as�long�as it's�with�their�parents.

No,�but�seriously, are�you�holding?

DONAVON:�Jody�is�a�typical 14-year-old�from�Edmonton.

It's�cool. It's�rolled�a�little�tight.

DONAVON:�His�parents�found�out about�the�proposed�law

the�same�day�they�found their�son's�weed.

Hey,�Jody,

I�ever�tell�you�about�the�time your�mom�and�I

road�tripped�to�Big�Sky?

I�love�Big�Sky. By�the�way,�that's�where

I�found�my�pet�lynx.

We�made�love�under�the�stars.

And�afterwards,�as�we�lay naked�in�our�embrace,

I�looked�up

and�I�saw�the�face�of�God.

Oh,�yeah.�Cool,�thank�you.

Um,�so�what�do�you�think about�this�new�policy?

I�mean�it�is,�um... It's�pretty�dope,�right?

Why�don't�we�hang�out like�this�all�the�time?

(STAMMERING) 'Cause�we�just�met.

No,�I�meant�that�kid.

My�kid.

Yeah,�he...�He�left.

Legalizing recreational�marijuana

will�be�a�boon to�the�economy.

Ticket�sales�for�Osheaga are�up�70%.

Yeah,�reports�say that�Colorado�see

the�real�rebound�in the�sagging�laser�show�sector.

Totally.�Plus,�parents can�bond�with�their�kids.

Wait.�Isn't�the�point of�forcing�kids

to�smoke�with�their�parents

a�way�of�deterring teen�drug�use?

Exactly.

Yeah,�but�what�is�it,�then? Are�you...

Are�you�trying to�encourage�the�sale

on�taxation�of�cannabis

or�prevent�it?�Because you�can't�have�it�both�ways.

-Can't�we? -Or�can�you?

We're�the�Liberal�Party,�dude.

Being�cravenly�two-faced is�one

of�the�few�things�our�platform is�pretty�clear�about.

Trust�me.�It'll�make more�sense�after�one�more�hit.

Ooh.

We�should�go�swimming.

(LAUGHING)

I�had�to�hand�it�to�Buzz.

Once�you�get�through the�legalese

and�those�two�verses of�"Tweezer,"

the�Liberal's�proposal�is a�piece�of�legislation

that�we�can�all�get�behind.

For�the�Donavon, I'm�Beaverton.

Thanks,�Donavon. Uh,�me�and�Wedgie,

the�lighting�guy, will�meet�you

in�the�parking�lot after�the�show.

Regardless�of�how or�when�it's�legalized,

marijuana�will�have a�huge�impact�on�our�economy.

For�more�on�that,�we're�joined by�Laura�Cilevitz.

Thanks,�Miguel.

Since�legalizing�marijuana,

Colorado�has�managed to�turn�it

into�a�billion-dollar industry,

and�all�without�cannibalizing

the�state's�other billion-dollar�industry.

-Skiing? -Prisons.

Specifically�prison�labor.

Even�more�specifically, prison�labor

done�by�marijuana�criminals.

Canada�should�take�note.

But�surely,�Canada�doesn't�use prison�labor�for�profit

the�way the�United�States�does.

Good�one,�Miguel.

Canadian�prison�factories produce�a�ton

of�low�cost, high�value�consumer�goods

like�wine,�bras, and�hygiene�products.

Pretty�much�everything that�goes�on�or�in�our�bodies

has�been�touched by�convicted�felons.

I�just�love�my�Beaver�Creek Penitentiary�Brand�underwear.

It�provides�minimum confinement

with�maximum�support.

Anyway,�without a�constant�stream

of�low�level marijuana�convictions,

there's�a�real�risk our�incarceration�rates

could�drop�from�too�high to�just�very�high.

And�that's�a�huge�problem�for the�hard�working�businesses

in�Canada's caged-human�industry.

What�makes�prison�labor appealing,�Laura?

One�word. "Low�overhead�costs."

The�average�salary�of a�Canadian�prisoner

is�just�$3�a�day.

They�bring�all�the�benefits of�a�foreign�sweatshop�worker

with�none�of�the�drawbacks, like�going�home�at�night.

So�who's�going�to make�my�undies�now?

Oh,�there's�lots�of�ways to�cover�the�labor�shortfall.

I�don't�wanna�tell the�police�how�to�recruit,

but�I�would�suggest street�racers,

pipeline�protestors,�cyclists.

The�point�is,�we'll�still�be cleaning�up�our�streets

and�getting�quality�products at�discount�prices.

It's�like�shanking two�birds�with�one�stone.

Thanks,�Laura.�You�terrify�me.

Coming�up, our�social�media�expert

tells�you�how�to�maintain your�personal�brand

during�a�home�invasion.�Ooh!

-Okay. -Spooky.

With�Canada's�150th�birthday less�than�six�months�away,

some�officials�are�concerned that�Canada's�history

doesn't�have�enough celebration-worthy�moments.

The�solution?�Create�a�bunch before�July�1st.

The�busy�history-engineering schedule�begins�in�March,

when�Canada�will�have a�civil�war,

heightening�historic�tensions between�Alberta

and�the�rest�of the�country�it�hates.

Then�a�communist�coup will�turn�us

into�an�agrarian�society for�a�few�weeks,

giving�rise�to�an�earthy�and unique�folk�music�tradition.

A�government spokesperson�said,

"We�were�hoping�the�trade�deal with�the�European�Union

"would�be�historic�enough,

"but�people�don't�seem to�care�where�we�sell

"our�cheese�and�wood."

But�Canada's�confident�we�will have�plenty�to�celebrate

after�building�pyramids in�the�Prairies,

recovering�from�a�massive plague�in�the�spring

and�becoming�the�first�nation to�allow�horses�to�vote.

2016�was�a�terrible�year for�the�United�States,

from�the�worst�election in�their�history

to�X-Men�Apocalypse.

-I�actually�liked�it. -You�liked�Jupiter�Ascending.

But�2016�also�saw�key�allies, Turkey�and�the�Philippines,

abandon�the�USA for�Russia�and�China.

This�brings�us�to tonight's�Point/Counter�Point.

Should�Canada�ditch�the�U.S. and�find�someone�else

to�suck�up�to?

I'll�start�by�saying�that I�don't�think�Canada

does�suck�up to�the�United�States.

Really,�Miguel?�Kowtowing on�softwood�lumber,

getting�dragged into�Afghanistan,

making�this�face�every�time Canada�gets�mentioned

on�American�TV.

Okay,�so�even�if�we�do�have a�special�relationship

with�the�U.S.,

it's�made�us�one of�the�most�powerful

and�prosperous�nations

in�the�mid-to-mid�upper�tier of�nations,

like�a�super�Norway or�a�crummy�Japan.

In�the�past,�maybe,

but�America's�on a�downward�spiral,

and�we�need�to�find�someone else�to�brown�nose�pronto.

Without�powerful�allies, we're�just�cold�Australia.

First,�don't�ever�compare�us to�those�Vegemite�lovers.

-Well... -And�second,�okay,�it's�true.

For�all�its�faults,�the�U.S. is�the�only�great�power

that�even�pays�lip�service to�freedom�and�democracy.

I�know.�It's�what makes�them�so�insufferable.

They're�always�saying,

"Hold�fair and�open�elections,

"free�trade�benefits.

"Everyone,�don't invade�Greenland."

Greenland�should�be ours,�Miguel,

and�everyone watching�knows�it!

If�we�cut�loose�from�America, we'll�be�at�the�mercy

of�countries�that�feel that�way�about�us.

Unless�we�find�some bigger�boots�to�lick.

Do�you�think�the�Russians would�care

if�we�invaded�someone?�No!

They'd�say, "Go�ahead.�Take�it."

Unless�they�wanted to�invade�it�first,

which�would�be totally�cool�with�us.

This�is�exactly�the�kind of�war�mongering

that�U.S.�power�helps�curtail.

Yeah,�and�what�has that�gotten�us?

Certainly�not�Greenland!

But�if�it's�not gonna�be�Russia,

who�would�you�like�us to�suck�up�to?

-China? -Even�worse.

So�what?�You�think�we shouldn't�suck�up�to�anybody?

Well,�obviously�not.�I�mean, you�gotta�kiss�somebody's�ass.

Yeah,�it's�basically�our whole�national�identity.

Well,�I'm�really�glad that�we�found some�common�ground

once�this�year.

Yeah.

And�with�that�we've�reached the�end�of�our�broadcast

and,�more�significantly, the�end�of�the�news.

We'll�see�you�again�as�soon�as something,�anything,�happens.

That's�really�interesting that�you�would�say

the�news�is�over because�that's�absurd.

Well,�it�is.

But�that�doesn't�make a�shred�of�sense.

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