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Original subtitles

Justin�Trudeau�is�hard�at work�finishing�his�Ninja Turtle�Valentines

for�all�the�lobbyists�he like-likes.

EMMA:�A�study�shows that�cisgender�men

are�the�mostly likely�to�google,

"What�does�cisgender�mean?"

MIGUEL:��And�in�an�annual tradis t

to�Africa�to�help�needy�CTE researchers.

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

(CHATTING�INAUDIBLY)

MIGUEL:�I�love�that�part.

EMMA:�Yeah.

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

where�we�solve�the�news one�story�at�a�time.

I'm�former�child detective�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�Emma�Hunter, former�child�criminal.

Collegiate�lacrosse�star, Michael�Wangman,

has�been�arrested for�negligent�homicide

after�authorities�say he�drunkenly�crashed�his�car

into�a�woman, killing�her�instantly.

However,�Wangman's�school is�coming�to�his�defense,

claiming�that�the�deceased is�making�up�the�story

in�order�to�get�attention.

Cell�phone�footage�clearly shows�Wangman's�car

hitting�the�alleged�victim.

However,�tweets�and�Reddit users�have�been�quick

to�accuse�the�corpse of�blowing�the�situation

out�of�proportion.

One�such�comment�reads,

(READING)

"instead�of�laying on�the�ground,

"waiting�for�someone to�find�me.

"Besides,�she�knew what�she�was�getting�into,

"walking�on�a�sidewalk�near where�cars�were�being�driven."

For�decades, New�Brunswick�has�been�owned

by�one�family�of�forestry billionaires,�the�Irvings.

But�as�the�younger�generation inherits�the�estate,

the�Irvings�are�planning to�pull�up�roots,

and�put�the�old�family province�on�the�market.

According�to�one Irving�cousin,

(READING)

"to�leaking�crude�oil into�the�Bay�of�Fundy.

"But�we've�had�our�eye on�some�up-and-coming

"poorly-regulated, resource-heavy�neighborhoods,

"like�the�Congo,

"or�whatever�they're�calling Rhodesia�these�days."

The�Irvings have�already�started

to�renovate�the�province,

by�putting�a�fresh coat�of�paint�on�Moncton,

and�evicting�the�province's 790,000�squatters.

But�no�matter�what�they�do,

it's�obvious�New�Brunswick will�be�bought�as�a�tear-down,

like�when�the�Weston�family bulldozed�Ontario

and�put�up�a�Loblaws.

The�Toronto�Police�Service is�bringing�accountability

into�the�21st�century,

by�equipping�its�frontline officers�with�body�cameras.

The�cameras�will�come with�12-hour�battery�life,

4K�resolution, and�a�full�suite

of�easy-to-use self-editing�software.

A�TPS�press�release�stated,

(READING)

"while�giving�our�constables the�opportunity

"to�delete�the�boring�stuff, like�admissible�evidence."

In�addition to�the�full�editing�suite,

the�camera�boasts a�wide�array�of�fun�filters,

that�can�give a�perpetrator�googly-eyes,

or�a�gun�in�their�hand.

To�Oshawa,�a�Bruce�Springsteen song�waiting�to�be�written.

But�are�the�residents of�this�Ontario�town

born�to�run�drugs?

For�more,�we�go�to�Aisha�Alfa.

AISHA:��This�morning�in�Oshawa, the�Ontario�suburb

where�dreams and�industry�come�to�die,

the�day�was as�uneventful�as�ever

until�a�routine�narcotics�case

morphed�into�something much�more�complicated.

I'm�here�in�downtown Oshawa's�financial�core,

where�the�police�recently did�a�drug�bust

on�47�Marquee�Avenue,

only�to�later�find�out

that�neighboring�houses were�also�involved.

But�this�afternoon, it�has�escalated�to�the�point

where�the�entire�city of�Oshawa�has�been�arrested

for�running a�marijuana�grow-operation.

The�case�brings�to�mind�last year's�tragedy�in�Surrey,�BC,

when�the�town's 500,000�meth�labs

exploded in�a�chain�reaction.

While�cultivating�marijuana

can�incur�up�to�10�years in�prison,

Durham�authorities will�be�lenient

as�they're�just�happy�Oshawa is�manufacturing�something.

My�sources�have�informed�me

that�all�142,000�suspects processed�today

have�cut�deals to�testify�against

their�141,999�co-defendants,

so�they're�probably looking�at�probation.

Well,�at�least�the�white�ones.

From�Oshawa,�I'm�Aisha�Alfa.

Thanks,�Aisha.�For�me, the�best�drug�of�all

is�a�nice�brisk�walk.

In�a�surprising�move,

Marineland�has finally�announced

it�will�end its�controversial�program

of�breeding�trainers in�captivity.

The�practice�began�in�the�'60s

when�it�became�illegal to�go�out�in�a�boat

and�tranquilize swimming�humans.

By�the�1980s,�every trainer�at�Marineland

was�born�and�raised�in�tanks,

designed�to�resemble a�natural�human�habitat.

Trainers�in�captivity�were prone�to�listlessness,

wet�suit�rashes and�malnourishment

due�to�their�diet of�amusement�park-grade�pizza.

But�it�became�clear the�program�had�to�end

when�one�trainer dragged�an�orca

to�the�bottom�of�its�tank, drowning�it.

To�Bay�Street�now, where�the�merger

of�agribusiness behemoth�Monsanto

with�the�German pharmaceutical�giant�Bayer

has�many�investors�worried.

For�more,�we're�joined by�our�own�financial�expert,

Laura�Cilevitz.

Thanks,�Emma. This�Bayer-Monsanto�merger

is�really�concerning�news.

It�threatens�to�create a�monopoly

in�one�of�the�world's most�crucial�industries.

Food?�Pharmaceuticals?

Evil.

With�the�combination of�Monsanto's

aggressive�gene-patenting

and�Bayer's�historic�ties to�the�Third�Reich,

this�new�company�could�push smaller�evil�corporations

out�of�the�lucrative human�misery�market.

And�what�does this�lack�of�competition

mean�for�consumers of�nefarious�products

like�you�or�me?

Well,�if�they�continue down�this�path,

we�won't�just�be�paying�more

for�risky�birth�control and�terminator�seeds.

We�could�see�an�increase�in the�cost�of�conflict�diamonds,

cell�phone�batteries,�even dry-aged�rhino�sirloins.

How�are�other�evil�companies responding�to�the�news?

There's�a�lot�of�fear.

Barrick�Gold�maintains�healthy competition�is�the�best�way

to�oppress Third�World�workers.

And�Canada's�oil�producers

were�forced�to�leak 40,000�barrels�of�crude

on�a�First�Nations�reserve to�appease�their�shareholders.

What�about�mom-and-pop evil�producers?

Yes.�The�puppy-mill�owners,

cockfight�promoters, bike�thieves,

and�the�world's oldest�profession,

freelance�contract�killers.

Well,�these�people might�experience

a�bit�of�a�slowdown,

but�their�best�hope�is�that there�will�always�be�a�market

for�conscientious�consumers

who�want�to�buy their�evil�products�locally.

Thanks,�Laura. I'll�tell�you�what's�evil.

Farmers'�markets. Five�bucks�for�a�plum?

After�the�break,

we'll�meet�the�nude�old�man in�the�locker�room

who�wants�to�talk politics�with�you.

You�know,�my�balls?

I�feel�like�I�could�shape�them into�various�things,

like�that�old�show, Puppetry�of�the�Penis...

(PHONE�RINGING)

CBC.�Human�Resources Department.�What�do�you�got?

Sexual�harassment at�CBC�Radio.

Multiple�women?

But�nobody�gets�sexually harassed�at�CBC�Radio.

We�have a�consistently-enforced

zero-tolerance�policy that�applies�to�all�employees,

regardless�of�race,�gender orientation,�or�status.

I�know.�It's�practically all�I�ever�talk�about

with�my�staff.

So,�what�happened?

Jian�happened.

No.�Jian�Ghomeshi.

That�behavior�is�not acceptable�to�the�CBC,

or�its�management.

I�am�firing�you,�right�now.

Mere�seconds�after hearing�this�news

for�the�very�first�time.

No.�I'm�going�to�continue working�here,

and�be�the�face�of�CBC�Radio,

and�you�guys are�going�to�perpetuate

my�image�as�a�thoughtful, progressive�feminist.

But�CBC�doesn't�want to�do�that�at�all.

(WHISPERS) Too�bad.�I'm�forcing�you.

Because�I'm�clearly the�only�villain�in�this.

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING�CONTINUES)

-What�are�we�going�to�do? -What�can�we�do?

We're�his�employers.

We�have�no�power�over�him or�this�workplace�environment.

God.

In�some�ways,�it�feels�like CBC's�the�biggest�victim

in�all�of�this.

We�can�only�hope our�super-smart�viewers

realize�that�for�themselves.

MAN:�The�People�Versus Jian�Ghomeshi

premieres�Tuesday�night after�Mr.�D,

and�before�another�Mr.�D.

Coming�up�later...

Pope�Francis�declares�that next�year's�Palm�Sunday

will�be�Hawaiian-themed.

EMMA:��Our�travel�expert will�show�you

how�to�run�away�from your�problems�on�a�budget.

MIGUEL:��And�we'll�meet the�zoologist

whose�job�it�is to�get�panda�bears�to�mate

with�Galapagos�tortoises.

To�Bruce�County,�Ontario,

where�many�questions remain�unanswered

regarding�last�week's bizarre�Groundhog�Day

when�Wiarton�Willie emerged�from�his�cage

and�in�a�low, clear�voice�stated,

"There�are�only�nine springs�left."

Willy�is�only�meant�to�predict

how�many�weeks of�winter�remain,

but�it�became�clear something�was�wrong

when�he�stood�on�his�hind�legs

and�made what�witnesses�are�calling,

"meaningful�eye�contact with�each�person,"

before�uttering his�dire�warning.

While�many�are�dismissing the�mishap�as�a�hoax,

some�feel�unsettled�by�reports that�Punxsutawney�Phil,

Staten�Island�Chuck, and�Banff�Todd

each�emerged�from�their�cages, cast�nine�shadows

and�vanished in�a�burst�of�light.

In�response to�the�emotional�debate

surrounding public�breastfeeding,

Victoria's�Secret�has�designed a�sexy�nursing�bra

which�allows�women�to�feed their�baby�discreetly,

while�only�showing�the desirable�part�of�their�boobs,

the�top.

The�Hello�Nurse!�...ing�Bra allows�new�mothers

to�tuck�their�infant directly�into�the�cups.

This�also�creates the�much�sought-after

baby�push-up�effect.

According�to�spokeswoman Karen�Yorkman,

(READING)

"Instead,�they'll�be�harassed for�their�amazing�tits,

"which,�thankfully, they're�already�numb�to."

In�international�news,

territorial�disputes in�the�Holy�Land

have�been�raging

since�the�milk�and�honey�boom of�4000�BC.

But�a�breakthrough may�be�on�the�way.

For�more,�we're�joined�live via�satellite,

by�our�foreign�correspondent, Marilla�Wex.

Thanks,�Miguel.

In�a�major�pivot, the�Netanyahu�government

has�shocked�the�international community�today

by�announcing a�two-state�solution.

That's�incredible,�Marilla. How�did�this�happen?

The�ruling�Likud�party

realized�it�was�time to�end�the�conflict

by�creating two�distinct�states

for�two�very different�peoples.

Israelis�and�liberal�Israelis.

-I'm�sorry? -That's�right.

After�decades of�mounting�tensions,

the�Middle�East�will no�longer�be�torn�apart

by�sectarian�divisions between�Netanyahu's�supporters

and�secular�leftists who�think�his�policies

are�absolute�horseshit.

What�does�a�sovereign liberal�Israel

mean�for�Israel?

Good�question.

The�Jewish�state�will�only engage�with�a�liberal�Israel

if�they�elect a�pro-Israel�government.

Doesn't�that�seem like�a�long�shot?

That�is�a�concern.

If�they�elect�a�hostile centrist�government,

Netanyahu�may�have�no�choice but�to�cut�off�the�light,

water�and�air�conditioning

-in�Tel�Aviv. -MIGUEL:��Wow.

That's�usually�how these�disputes�work�out.

That's�a�good�point. How�do�the�Palestinians

fit�into�this�roadmap for�peace?

Oh,�um... They�didn't�really�come�up.

MIGUEL:��Thank�you,�Marilla.

Urban�green�spaces�are�playing

an�increasingly�vital�role for�Canadian�cities.

Whether�it's�Vancouver's scenic�Stanley�Park,

the�West�Edmonton�marsh,

or�Toronto's�planned�CN�Trail,

they�provide a�welcome�dose�of�nature

to�the�modern�metropolis.

Not�to�be�outdone,

rural�areas throughout�the�nation

have�begun�creating gray�spaces,

bringing�little�patches�of city�squalor�to�the�country.

Poverty�and�droughts have�been�forcing�people

to�migrate�to�the�city for�decades,

turning�country�mice into�city�rats.

According�to�gray�space advocacy�group,

Project�Smokestack,

(READING)

"these�spaces�give country-dwellers�a�chance

"to�just�forget�about their�pastoral�surroundings

"for�a�few�moments,

"to�focus�on their�own�chilling,

"unavoidable�future."

Coming�up,�we�tell�you the�five�warning�signs

that�your�book�club is�actually�a�cult.

-Can�you�read? -I�can�read.�Yeah.

Oh.

I�can�read�pretty�well.�Yeah.

What�do�you�call�that?

I�went�to�school.

MIGUEL:��I've�been reading�the�teleprompter...

Later�this�hour...

A�new�study�has�found�that white�men�can,�in�fact,�dance,

but�have�been�hiding�it to�assuage�their�guilt.

EMMA:��We�profile�an�innovative new�school

that�got�rid�of�homework, teachers�and�students.

MIGUEL:��And�a�Victoria�father

sleeping�alone in�a�race�car�bed

wonders�where it�all�went�wrong.

The�federal�NDP�has�long�been

the�third�wheel of�Canadian�politics,

forever�playing the�overlooked�Ron�Weasley

to�the�Liberals'�dashing Harry�Potter

and�the�Tories' buzz-killing�Hermione.

In�a�surprise�movement to�broaden�their�base,

the�party�announced�it�has agreed�to�a�merger

that�will�unite the�Canadian�left.

But�since�it's�five�years too�late

to�incorporate with�the�Liberals,

the�NDP's�only�choice is�to�merge

with�the�parties to�the�left�of�them,

including�the�Communist, Marxist-Leninist,

Animal�Alliance,�Marijuana, Natural�Law,

and�Fight�For�Your Right�To�parties.

According�to an�NDP�spokesperson,

(READING)

"like�the�environment, the�social�safety�net,

"workers'�rights, worker�bees'�rights,

"wolves'�rights, and�yogic�flying."

Analysts�estimate�the�merger

could�gain the�new�New�Democrats

as�many�as�no�seats�under our�current�electoral�system.

The�party�is�also�mulling over�a�name�change

which�should�be�a�cinch given�how�easily

disparate�voices�on�the�left tend�to�agree�on�things.

Foodies�are�always on�the�lookout

for�the�next�big�trend.

Here�to�tell�you why�you're�an�idiot

for�still�eating�ramen

is�our�own bad�boy�restaurateur,

Eddie�Zheng.

All�right.�More�pan.

-EDDIE:��Name's�Eddie�Zheng. -(WHOOPING)

My�restaurant's�called 500�Days�of�Dim�Summer.

-Whoo-hoo-hoo! -EDDIE:��For�me,

food�is�all�about�family,

and�that's�why I�spend�so�much�time

screaming�at�my�line�cooks.

...the�vegetables.

What?�Come�on!

Yo,�I'm�hitting�the�town

in�search�of the�ultimate�street�food.

Garbage!

Here's�my�man, Trevor�MacNamara.

Ever�since�his�agribusiness got�shut�down

by�the�government for�playing�God,

he�has�become�the�expert in�literal�street�food.

Grocery�stores�throw�out�a�ton of�perfectly�good�produce.

True,�true.

So,�if�you�want that�real�gangsta�shit,

you�gotta�go�dumpster-diving

in�a�place that�isn't�a�grocery�store.

-Yo,�for�real? -Yeah,�man.

All�great�cuisines�started�out as�peasant�food.

This�is�the�modern�equivalent.

It's�like�a�back-to-basics food�movement.

You�know,�we�got�decay, destitution,�objection.

These�are�true�basics�of�the human�condition,�you�know.

-Yes. -Yeah.�Oh,�word!

You�seeing�this? What�is�this�shit?

-Manna�from�the�streets,�bro! -Oh,�man!

We�got�a�whole�meal right�here.

Oh,�yeah. Help�that�sauce,�man!

Oh,�damn!

It's�got�a�ferment like�kombucha!

Mmm.�What�this�is�fermenting

-is�a�food�revolution. -Yeah.�Mmm.

Mmm-mmm.

Yo,�boys.�Dinner's�ready.

EDDIE:��Garbage�is�more�than just�a�food�movement.

It's�also the�food�of�the�future.

You�all�ready�to�eat?

Yeah.

EDDIE:��Even�if that's�not�going�to�be

Young�Kaligula's�future.

We�love�you,�Young�Kaligula.

I'm�sorry�you�died from�a�garbage�infection.

This�is�your�boy,�Eddie�Zheng,

and�this�right�here... This�is��The�Beaverton.

(LAUGHING)

Thanks,�Eddie.

After�the�break,�a�Canadian fraternity's�85th�annual

blackface/grope�women pub�crawl

was�canceled�this�week, due�to�weather.

It's�really�interesting... I�did�that�pub�crawl,�um...

Oh!�You�came�back.

Prime�Minister�Trudeau has�been�accused�of�hypocrisy

on�several�fronts,

for�not�acting on�his�campaign�promises,

and�yet,�his�approval ratings�remain�high.

Here�to�discuss�is�political analyst�Anand�Rajaram.

Welcome,�Anand.

Thank�you�for�having�me.

Why�is�it�that�nothing seems�to�stick

to�the�Prime�Minister?

Well,�first�of�all, he�is�a�master�politician,

and�second,�he's�covered in�coconut�oil.

Because�he�heard people�were�into�that.

Yeah,�they�are.

Uh,�but�I�worry.�Will�this ever�catch�up�to�him?

Well,�it�would,�if�it�wasn't for�the�fact

that�he�is the�perfect�embodiment

of�what�Canadians�value. The�middle.

The�cream in�the�Boston�cream�donut.

The�yellow�part of�the�Nanaimo�bar.

-The�fish�in�the�Filet-O... -We�know�what�the�center�is.

Well,�of�course,�you�do. Because�you're�Canadian.

And�Canadians�are�to the�center�of�center.

What�does�that�even�mean?

Well,�poll�data�shows

that�there�is very�little�difference

between�saying�popular�things and�doing�popular�things.

The�Prime�Minister�understands that�being�well-liked

is�more�important than�acting�on�the�statements

that�made�people�like�you in�the�first�place.

So,�centrism�means�just breaking�all�your�promises?

(LAUGHING) He's�not�breaking�promises.

He's�just�not�following through�on�them.

There's�a�big�difference.

Besides,�there is�zero�political�value

in�keeping�promises.

Every�one�you�keep�is�one you�can't�make�next�election.

Now�that's�leadership.

No,�a�leader�is�someone with�strong�core�values.

Oh.�He�has�a�strong�core. (CHUCKLES)

I�mean,�you�need�one,

if�you're�going�to straddle�that�fence.

Miguel,�why�do�you�have�to pick�one�side?

Why�can't�you�have�carbon�tax and�oil�subsidies?

See,�everybody's�happy.

And�why�wouldn't�they�be?

I�mean,�we've�already�rejected

the�frigid�waters of�conservatism

and�we're�just not�ready�for�the...

The�red�hot�sex-pit of�full-blown�socialism.

The�liberals�offer�us the�reassuring�comfort

of�room�temperature.

Well,�if�all�the�liberals are�going�to�do

is�pander�to�the�middle, maybe�I'll�vote

for�someone�else next�election.

(LAUGHING)

You�know�what? I�don't�think�you�will.

(CHUCKLES) He's�got�you�there,�Miguel.

Thanks�for�joining�us,�Anand.

And�our�final�story�tonight.

The�federal�government announced�plans

to�institute pay�equity�legislation,

ensuring�male and�female�employees

get�equal�pay�for�equal�work,

and�as�a�feminist, I�just�want�to�say,

"It's�about�time."

Well,�I�hate�to�burst your�progressive�bubble,

but�it�doesn't�actually�come into�effect�until�2018,�so...

Well,�that's�just�around the�corner,�so...

Why�can't�they do�it�right�now?�(CHUCKLES)

So�much�to�organize,

and�you�don't�want to�burden�businesses�with...

-How�much�do�you�make? -I�don't...�(CHUCKLES)

I�don't�think that's�appropriate�to�discuss.

Do�you�make�more�than�me?

Money�is�a�no-go topic�with�me.

It's�up�there�with�sex, politics�and�religion.

Also,�music,�groceries

and�how�fast�you�drive when�you're�alone.

You�just...

You�don't�talk�about some�things,�you�know?

Okay.�Why�don't�you write�it�down?

(LAUGHS)

I'm�sure�we make�about�the�same.

About�the�same?

Okay,�fine.�Here...

Well,�just�write�it�down on�the...

-No�problem.�Not�at�all. -Well,�just,�uh...

Write�it�down,�then.

(CHUCKLING)�Sorry.

Okay,�yeah.�We're�good.

(LAUGHING)

What�does�that�mean?

I�don't�know.�Maybe�this�whole pay�equity�thing�is�overblown.

You�make�more�than�me, don't�you?

That's�completely�unfair! We�do�the�same�job.

Yeah.�But�are�we�both equally�as�charming?

Do�we�both�really�have the�same��je�ne�sais�quoi?

Oui!

Look,�it's�not�a�contest, Miguel,�okay?

And�as�the�Minister of�the�Status�of�Women�said,

"Pay�equity.�It's... It's�a�complex�issue."

They're�just�numbers that�should�be�the�same.

So,�now�you're�saying women�can't�do�math?

Okay,�not�very feminist,�Miguel.

No.�I'm�just�saying...

I'm�just�saying,�you�and�I

should�be�paid the�same�for�our�work.

Well,�2018�is�just around�the�corner.

That's�all�the�time�we�have.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Emma�Hunter,�saying,

"If�getting�the�news�right is�wrong,

"then�I�don't�want to�be�right,�right?"

Wrong!

Oh,�that�was�fun. This�is�terrible.

(MIGUEL�GROANS)

-This�is�insane. -Yeah.

Well,�you�write�down�yours!

-Write�it�down! -I�can't�write.

-Write�down�how�much�you�make! -I'm�a�talker.

I'm�a�typer,�not�a�writer.

Well,�just�say�it!

-No. -Come�on.

Um,�I�don't�like�to�talk about�things,�too,�like...

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