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ni
nigh
night
night�on
night�on Th
night�on The
night�on The�Be
night�on The�Beav
night�on The�Beaver
night�on The�Beaverto
night�on The�Beaverton.
night�on The�Beaverton...
MIGUEL:�Donald�Trump�refuses�to e .
EMMA:�Republicans�reveal�their new�health�care�plan;
getting�paid�$50�to�be�part�of a�medical�research�study.
MIGUEL:�And�Conservative leah
Mike�Harris�on�how�to�better alienate�Ontario.
(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
Canada's�most award-worthy�broadcast.
I'm�two-time Pulitzer�Prize-winner,
Emma�Hunter.
I'm�Miguel�Rivas and,�no,�you're�not.
Once�again,�Canada has�topped�another�UN�ranking.
According�to�the�study,�Canada is�the�best�place�in�the�world
to�be�discriminated�against.
The�report�considered factors�such�as,
availability�of low-paying�jobs
for�overqualified�immigrants,
and�easy�access to�racialized�ghettos. Said�the�report...
(READING)
"...with�a�half-smile,
"and�an�impression�so�subtle,
"you'll�barely�notice�it until�you�apply�for�a�raise."
In�health�news, with�wait�times�on�the�rise,
the�popularity�of�home�births has�opened�the�door
for�a�new�medical�trend in�Canada...
Home�surgeries!
Advocates�of�home�surgery point�to�its�many�benefits.
Choice�of�your�own�anesthetic,
the�ability�to�perform�surgery
from�the�comfort�of�your�own ice-filled�bathtub,
the�free�parking.
For�those who�require�assistance,
there�are�always home�surgery�doulas
who�will�teach�you breathing�exercises
and�whisper�the�untold secrets�of�mother�Gaea�to�you,
as�you�DIY your�gastric�bypass.
Plus,�you�can�scrub�in whenever�you�want, which�is�important,
because�nobody�removes their�appendix�properly on�the�first�try.
The�government�of�Canada issued�a�warning�today about�a�dangerous�condition
that�seems�to�be spreading�farther�north,
thanks�to�global�warming.
White�guys�wearing shorts�all�winter.
So�far,�only�young, white�men�can�be�infected.
Symptoms�include�goatees,
screaming,�"Whoo!" while�walking�to�a�bar,
enjoying�music�styles that�end�in�"core"
and�loudly�swearing at�your�own�dog�in�public.
In�a�bid�to�curb�the�continued spread�of�the�epidemic,
Health�Canada�is�now�issuing a�nationwide�recall
of�AXE�body�spray.
Oppression�based�on�class
is�an�everyday�reality for�many�Canadians.
Our�own�Laura�Cilevitz, met�with�just�one
to�explore�how�classism strikes�to�the�core
of�so�many�of�our�lives.
LAURA:��Today,�as�much�as�ever,
the�social�divide between�rich�and�poor
has�been�a�source of�incalculable�heartbreak.
One�of�its�victims is�Martin�Shkorsky.
Once�one�of�Canada's wealthiest�people,
the�board�of�his�company voted�to�cap�his�CEO�bonus.
Now,�Martin�is�forced�to�get by�on�just�the�yearly�salary
of�an�average�Canadian, per�day.
It�must�have�been�shocking�to go�from�the�top�of�the�world,
to�living�on�just $35,000�a�day?
Oh,�yeah, it�was�a,�uh, humbling�experience.
LAURA:��Martin's�swimming�pool used�to�be�filled�with pristine�glacial�water.
Now,�it's�just common�bottled�water.
He's�had�to�replace�his backyard�masquerade�orgies, with�regular�orgies.
And�here�we�are.
This�is�where we�used�to�stage peacock�fights,�but...
Can't�do�that�anymore, you�know?�It's�a�shame.
Rodrigo�never�got�the�chance to�defend�his�title.
Aw...
(COUGHS)
The�hardest�part�must�have been�selling�your�lake�house
and�your�other�lake�house.
Oh,�yeah,�and�all�I�have�left, is�this�place and�my�house�on�the�lake.
I�also�had�to�sell�all of�my�Nazi�artwork on�the�onyx�market.
Do...�Do�you�mean the�black�market?
I�never�thought�of�it that�way.
I�guess�I'll�have�to�start using�the�black�market
like�a�common...
(SIGHS)�One�percenter.
LAURA:��Only�two�or 300�pay-checks�away, from�living�on�the�street,
Martin�continues to�struggle�on.
Although�he�doesn't�have much�belief�in�the�future,
he�hopes�his�story will�warn�others
about�the�brutality of�income�inequality.
For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.
Thanks,�Laura. We're�all�looking�forward to�your�future�report�on,
"How�to�best�train a�champion�peacock�fighter."
Last�year, the�Canadian�Space�Agency began�recruiting
its�next�two�astronauts.
This�came�as�a�surprise to�Canada's two�existing�astronauts,
who�were�selected in�2009�and�still haven't�been�to�space.
A�spokesperson for�the�Canadian�Space�Agency,
however,�told��The�Beaverton...
(READING)
"...about�the�whole space�thing.
"There�are�plenty�of astronaut�things�to�do,
"right�here�on�Earth,�like, training�new�astronauts."
Current�astronauts, Jeremy�Hansen
and�David�Saint-Jacques were�unavailable�for�comment,
as�they�are�currently�busy with�their�duties
on�their�junior�high science�fair�speaking�circuit.
After�the�break... Can�your�zodiac�sign
tell�whether�or�not you're�the�Zodiac�Killer?
That's�interesting�because the�Zodiac�Killer,
I�thought,�was�my�father.
I�was�just�about�ready to�give�up�on�dating.
The�dating�sites�just�give�you a�picture�and�a�paragraph.
I�needed�something�more pseudoscientific.
That's�why�we�decided�to�try PhrenHarmony.com,
the�world's�first phrenology-based dating�service.
Hello!�I'm��Herr�Doktor�Wilhelm Krantz�von�Falcongrasp,
founder�of�PhrenHarmony.com.
We�match�you�with�the�29 dimensions�important�for�love.
Like,�skull�angle�gradient,
criminality und�concentrativeness.
Based�on�her cranial�physiognomy,
Karen�is�the�sweetest, funniest�person�I've�ever�met.
DR.�FALCONGRASP:��Stop scrolling�through�profiles
hoping�to�find�someone you're�amative�with.
Sign�up�for�PhrenHarmony.com
und�meet�the�person�who�is your�biological�destiny.
DR.�FALCONGRASP:��The�skull wants�what�the�skull�wants.
It�all�starts�with your�craniometric�profile.
A�$50�value,�yours�free, when�you�visit�my�laboratory.
Coming�up�later�this�hour...
MIGUEL:��Stephen�Harper pays�Goldman�Sachs
$200,000�to�listen to�his�speech.
EMMA:��In�entertainment�news, musician�Bon�Iver
is�gearing�up�for peak�sad�season.
MIGUEL:��And�in�a�new�poll, Regina's�been�named the�top�city�in�Canada
by�giggling�eighth�graders.
With�the�price of�crude�stagnating,
Alberta's�oil�sands continue�to�struggle.
In�response,�the�province's petroleum�producers
are�moving�away�from�oil
to�better�exploit the�untapped�value�of�sand.
So�Novus�has�struck a�deal�with�China
to�provide�8,000,000 units�of�oil�sand�bags
to�combat the�inevitable�flooding,
from�rising�ocean�levels.
Imperial�Oil,�meanwhile, has�launched�a�new�line
of�Athabasca�hour�glasses
to�count�down�the�hours until�CO2�levels
turn�the�Earth�into�an uninhabitable�hell-scape.
Finally,�Suncor�will�use�their remaining�subsidies
to�open�a�theme�park,
where�they�invite�you�to�view the�tar�sandcastle�exhibit,
ride�the�wackiest�teetertotter this�side�of�the�Rockies
or�splash�around�the�tailing pond�with�their�mascot,
Slick,�the�oil-soaked�owl.
Turning�to�the�United�States,
a�white�defendant was�acquitted�today
in�the�assault�of an�African-American�man,
after�mounting�what�legal experts�are�calling,
the�first�successful�use of�the,�"Hey,�what�about�black on�black�violence"�defense.
The�defense's�theory,�first advanced�by�users�of�4chan,
posits�that�because black�on�black�violence is�the�real�issue�here,
that�any�instance�of white�on�black�violence,
is�legally�null�and�void.
Defense�counsel's�closing statement�read�as�follows.
(READING)
"Specifically,�black�people kill�black�people.
"In�summation,�all�lives matter,�so�you�must�acquit."
Now�it's�time�to�check�in with�Dave�Barclay
for�the�latest in�all�things�tech.
Thanks,�Emma.
Move�over,�Fitbit.
There's�a�new�fitness�app�in town�that�can�tell�you�exactly
how�many�steps�you�have�left until�you�die.
What?�How�could�it possibly�know�that?
Its�advanced�algorithm takes�into�account a�multitude�of�factors
including�heart�rate, caloric�intake,
and�your�proximity to�neighborhood�stranglers.
For�instance,�Miguel, I�put�your�information into�the�system,
and�it's�telling�me�that�you have�100,000�steps�to�go before�you�die.
Well,�that�doesn't sound�like�a�lot!
Well,�even�the�most sedentary�person
takes�3,000�steps�a�day and�you,�sir,�are�a�pacer.
-So,�wait.�Does�that... -(LAUGHS)
Does�that�mean I�only�have�33�days�left?
-Moving�on... -When�the�hell�am�I�gonna�die?
Look,�it's�not a�crystal�ball,�Miguel.
Unlike�this�next�app. It's�called�Snap�Death.
It's�a�new�filter that�shows�you
exactly�what�you're going�to�look�like in�the�moment�you�pass�away.
For�instance,�I�took�the liberty�of�snapping
a�pic�of�Miguel�earlier, and�with�the�filter�applied,
it�looks�like�this.
What's�on�the�other�side of�that�camera?
Oh,�you�need�to�purchase the�in-app�upgrade to�find�that�out.
No,�it's�not�even�worth�it.
-What? -But�the�app�does�come�with
a�free�feature�that�tells you�exactly�where you're�going�to�be�buried.
For�example,�here's�Miguel.
Aw,�that�looks�to�peaceful! That's�nice.
Is�that... Is�that�my�backyard?
Ooh!�I�don't�know,�Miguel. Trouble�in�paradise?
EMMA:�Thanks,�Dave.
Now�let's�go to�Donavon�Stinson
with�a�special�report on�the�aftermath of�the�cancellation
of��Much�Music's�beloved weekend�dance�party,
Electric�Circus.
Donavon?
To�a�generation�of�Canadians who�came�of�age�in�the�'90s,
Electric�Circus�was a�cultural�touchstone.
But�behind�the�vinyl bodysuits�and�leather�chokers
lay�something�truly, truly�tacky.
For�more�than�15�years,
the�show�captured the�city's�club�kids
and�locked�them�in�cages and�forced�them�to�perform for�the�amusement
of�the�nation's curious�pubescents.
Even�for�a�country whose�history�includes wartime�internment�camps,
this�was�unspeakably�cruel.
Then,�in�2003,�the�network bowed�to�public�pressure
and�released�the�dancers back�into�the�wild.
Since�then,�little�is�known about�how�these once�captive�creatures
have�adjusted to�life�on�the�outside.
So�I�reached�out�to�a�woman who�knows�all�too�well.
Jane�Masterson is�a�wildlife�expert
who�runs�an�animal sanctuary�in�Aurora,�Ontario.
For�the�past�13�years,
she's�been�helping�former Electric�Circus��dancers
like�Kiki,�reintegrate into�a�society�that no�longer�accepts�them.
JANE:��Well,�most�people think�that�just�freeing these�creatures
-is�the�end�of�it. -DONOVAN:��Mmm-hmm.
But�if�they�have the�basic�skills�needed to�function�in�society,
they�wouldn't�have�wound�up on�the��Electric�Circus
-in�the�first�place. -Yeah,�you're�right.�Yeah.
Hi!�I'm�Jane. Nice�to�meet�you.
Your�name�is?
DONAVON:�Jane�says�she�felt a�personal�responsibility
to�help�these imprisoned�dancers
after�her�parents�had�taken her�to��Electric�Circus
for�her�ninth�birthday,
where�she�saw�first-hand what�happens
to�these�poor�souls, if�they�stop�dancing.
-No. -No!�No.
No.�God�damn�it!
-No!�Stop!�Stop,�Kiki! -She's�chasing�me�again.
So�what�did�happen�then?
Why�don't�you�ask�Master�T?
Donavon�Stinson�with The�Beaverton.
How�are�you�today?�Nice�to...
It's�important�that�you�know
I�had�nothing to�do�with��Electric�Circus.
I�hosted��Da�Mix.
Okay,�but�you...�You�knew what�was�going�on?
-I�mean,�there�was�rumors. -Mmm-hmm.
But�my�bosses�assured�me.
They�stopped�cattle�prodding the�dancers�back�in�'97.
Sorry?�Cattle...�Cattle�prods?
-You�know,�cattle�prods. (BUZZING) -I�know�what�a�cattle...
Was�there�any�truth to�the�accusations
that�these�dancers�were locked�to�their�enclosures
using�glow�sticks?
I�mean,�you�just�pop�off�those plastic�connectors.�Come�on!
-That's�a�good�point. -They�always�treated�those
kids�like�royalty, the�same�way I�treat�my�daughters.
-Oh,�you�have�daughters? -GIRL:�Can�I�go�outside?
Sure�you�can,�soon�as�you finish�your�ecstasy.
DONAVON:��Still,�Jane�says the�damage�has�been�done.
I've�worked�with�some pretty�traumatized�creatures in�my�day.
Marineland�whales, Moscow�circus�bears,
James�Cameron's�assistants.
(GRIMACES)
JANE:�But�none�of�that compares�to�these poor�bastards.
No!�Is�there�any�hope�for rehabilitation�and�release?
JANE:�Sadly,�very�little. But�you�never�know.
-Sometimes�you�get�lucky. -DONOVAN:�Yeah.
Kiki?
Who�wants to�go�to�Berlin,�huh?
DONAVON:��While we�were�filming,
a�German�electronica�venue
reached�out�to�Jane's Adopt-a-Partier�service.
JANE:�Come...
DONAVON:��Unlike many�of�her�fellow Electric�Circus��performers,
Kiki�avoided�a�visit to�the�big�EDM�festival in�the�sky,
and�instead,
found�a�place�in Berlin's�techno�scene,
where�she�can�finally�be with�her�own�kind.
For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Donavon�Stinson.
Thanks,�Donavon. Later�tonight,
our�parenting�expert shows�you�"Five�sure�signs
"your�designer�baby is�actually�a�knock-off."
Well,�that's�interesting because�why�would�you design�your�own�baby?
Later�this�hour...
EMMA:��The�nation's dog�spiders
are�still�biding�their�time until�next�summer's startling�season.
MIGUEL:��West�Jet and�Air�Canada
have�denied�colluding to�fix�prices�in�a�joint press�conference.
EMMA:��And�our�beauty�expert will�show�you how�to�look�fuckable
while�you�give�birth.
Up�first...�Well,�you've�all tuned�into�the�news
for�the�glamorous world�of�Hollywood,
where�the�lights�are�bright
and�committing�statutory�rape doesn't�affect�your�career.
It's�time�for Entertainment�Right�Now, Canada.
MAZIN:��Coming�up�on Entertainment�Right�Now, Canada...
Production�stalls�on�the�new Leonardo�Di�Caprio�film
as�the�lead�actresses keep�turning�25.
EMMA:��In�a�win�for�diversity, Sony�Pictures�announced production�of�a�biopic
of�Thurgood�Marshall, the�first�African-American appointed�to�Supreme�Court.
Playing�Marshall�will�be Australian�heartthrob, Chris�Hemsworth.
Hi!�I'm�Mazin. And�with�me,�as�always,
-is�the�radiant�Emma�Hunter. -Aw.
(LAUGHS)�Thank�you.
Up�first...
A�bit�of�controversy has�broken�out
over�the�upcoming�remake of��The�Goonies�film.
That�is�our�Trending�Right�Now story�of�the�day.
Yes,�the�remake�of the�beloved�'80s�film
has�come�under�fire from�fans�angry�that new�director�Paul�Feig
has�recast�all�the�production assistants�with�females.
Feig�didn't�stop�there. All�the�grips,�gaffers
and�boom�mike�holders will�now�be�wo-manned�as�well.
Twitter�has�blown�up on�hearing�the�news.
@TruffleShuffle32�wrote,
"Nothing�but�chicks lighting�the�sets?
"The�new��Goonies is�an�abomination.
"��Childhoodruined."
And�@mouthemouth�said,
"What�are�they�going�to call�it?��The�Poonies?
"��Fuckyoufuckingfuckfucks"
In�music�news,
Drake�has�dedicated�himself
to�the�cause of�marriage�equality
by�lobbying�the�government,
to�allow�a�man to�marry�a�city.
The�man�whose albums�are�often�described�as
"Love�letters to�the�City�of�Toronto"�says,
he�wants�to, "Make�things�official."
Put�an�end�to�this whole�Sam�and�Diane�thing.
And�finally, it�was�the�biggest�night
in�Canadian�arts and�entertainment�last�night.
The�O-1�Visa�Awards,
in�which�Canada's brightest�stars�find�out
who�gets�a�work�visa to�the�United�States.
Attended�to�live on�the�red�carpet.
You�know,�it's�such�an�honor to�be�recognized�by the�country�that�I�love,
by�getting�permission to�go�to�a�country
that�will�actually�pay�me for�my�art.
I�just�can't�wait to�have�a�long,
successful�career�State-side,
and�then�come�back�here and�retire�to�a�nice, Canadian�sitcom
with�my�son.
I�guess,�you�know,�there's always�a�next�year.
Plus,�that�Canadian�Tire�ad is�auditioning�tomorrow.
So...
(SOBBING)�God.�Oh,�God!�Why?
Ouf!�Tough�break for�that�young�lady.
That's�all�for�tonight, but�make�sure to�tune�in�tomorrow,
when�we'll�disappoint�you with�nude�photos
of�your�favorite character�actors.
And�yes,�John�Turturro makes�the�cut.
Thanks,�Emma. Next...
A�terrible�story�about corporate�pollution
and�its�devastating impact�on�the�environment.
Ugh!�Come�on,�Miguel,
let's�try and�keep�things�light.
Next...�Terrorism.
When�an�act�of�terror is�committed�by�a�Muslim,
the�world�asks,�"Why�don't all�the�other�1.7�billion Muslims�denounce�it?"
Well,�now�the�Muslim�community has�appointed�one�person
to�condemn�any�attack to�which�Islam
is�even a�little�bit�connected.
Rabia�Abdulrafi�will�now�serve as�the�apologetic�voice
of�over�one-quarter of�the�global�population.
Rabia�said...
(READING)
"...the�attack�in�Paris, all�the�terrorist�attacks
"from�all�the�action�movies,
"seasons�two�through five�of��Homeland,
"and�Zayn�Malik leaving�One�Direction."
In�related�news, the�representative
for�the�Christian�Coalition
insisted�that�they�had nothing�to�apologize�for.
After�the�break, we'll�show�you
"The�five�hottest wedding�gifts�to�buy
"even�though�you�know Brenda�is�cheating."
That's�interesting.�I've�a�lot of�friends�who�cheat.�I'm�fun.
Welcome�back. Even�in�today's�world,
hatred�against�those�who are�different�runs�rampant.
But�one�man�is�standing�up to�the�bullying.
Joining�us�from�his�basement apartment,�is�Brice�Ulster
to�share�the�story�of�his courageous�battle, with�homophobia.
-Welcome. -Thank�you.
You�know, it's�tough�out�there,
but�it�feels�very�empowering to�know�safe�spaces�like�this
exist�for�me to�share�my�journey.
So,�when�did you�first�experience discrimination,�Brice?
Oh,�wow,�uh, I�suppose�middle�school?
I�was�in�gym�class
and,�totally�innocently, I�called�someone�a�"fairy"
for,�you�know,�having rainbow-colored�socks.
People�were�like, "Whoa,�homophobic."
Wait.�What?
I...�Yeah,�I�know,�I�know. It�was�horrifying.
I�can�still�see�the�judgment in�their�eyes.�Even�today.
Oh!
So,�you're�a�homophobe?
Mmm.�We�don't�like�the�term "homophobe."
We�prefer "Homo-fearing�humans."
I�mean,�that's�why I�wrote�my�book,
Enduring�Straightred.
What�do�you�say�to�the�critics
who�call�your�lifestyle offensive?
I�just�want�them�to�see�that we're�normal�people,
who�were�born�with�a�desire
to�pretend�to�vomit�every�time we�see�two�guys�holding�hands
and�get,�you�know, irrationally�angry.
When�gay�people�adopt children,�'cause...
So,�you�believe�it's�out�of your�control,�Brice?
Hey,�I�would�love
to�be�able�to�go�to�my cousin's�same-sex�wedding
without�crudely�speculating,
(LAUGHING)�"Oh,�hey, which�one's�the�wife,�right?"
Let's�not...
But�that's�just�not�me, you�know?
And�I've�accepted�that. I�am�who�I�am
and�I�shouldn't have�to�change.
I�mean,�I'm�not hurting�anyone...
-Except�homosexuals. -Except�homosexuals.
Yes,�exactly!
Brice,�this�is�outrageous, okay?
Let�me�remind�you�that there�are�children�watching,
-so�if�you�could... -That�is�a�great�point.
To�the�kids�out�there who�are�wondering
why�their�great "butt�pirate"�joke
didn't�get�a�laugh.
You�know,�one�day�you're�going to�join�a�football�team
or�a�country�club,
or�basically�any�place�that has�a�private�locker�room,
and�you're�going�to�find people�who�accept,�nay,
celebrate�you�for�exactly who�you�are.
Thank�you,�Brice.
To�conclude�tonight, I�thought�it�would�be�fun
to�check�in�on�our New�Year's�resolutions.
Did�you�make�any,�Miguel?
Yes,�in�fact,�I�made�about 100�of�them.
-Oh! -Actually�140,�if�you�count
sub-resolutions to�the�addendum,
all�designed�to�help me�attain�physical,�mental, and�spiritual�perfection.
You�know�what,�I�was�actually just�making�small�talk,�Miguel
-so�please�don't... -For�example,�my�resolution
for�January�is�to�properly annotate�all�of�Wikipedia.
-And�to�learn�a�new�language. -Sounds�like�a�tall�order.
-I�was�thinking... -Ja,�naturlich.
But�not�if�you�give�up sleeping,�which�is�another resolution�of�mine.
-Why�would�you... -I'm�really
looking�forward�to�May, when�I�plan�to
run�a�triathlon, master�the�violin
and�train�my�infant�daughter to�trust�me more�than�her�mother.
That's�insane.�Why�would you�do�any�of�that?
So�that�I�can�be the�best�news�anchor that�I�can�for�our�viewers.
Why�don't�you�just�do�what every�other�anchor�does?
Lose�10�pounds, whiten�your�teeth
and�get�your hair�plugs�fixed,�man?
Well, they're�not�hair�plugs...
-That's�all�the�time�we�have. -No,�they're�not...
Next�week�on��The�Beaverton,
our�in-depth�report on�Amazon's
controversial�use of�drone�strikes
on�independent�bookstores.
Seriously,�you�got�to get�those�fixed.
-Not�plugs,�not�plugs. -They�look�weird...
(INDISTINCT�CHATTERING)
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