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Original subtitles

ni

nigh

night

night�on

night�on Th

night�on The

night�on The�Be

night�on The�Beav

night�on The�Beaver

night�on The�Beaverto

night�on The�Beaverton.

night�on The�Beaverton...

MIGUEL:�Donald�Trump�refuses�to e .

EMMA:�Republicans�reveal�their new�health�care�plan;

getting�paid�$50�to�be�part�of a�medical�research�study.

MIGUEL:�And�Conservative leah

Mike�Harris�on�how�to�better alienate�Ontario.

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

Canada's�most award-worthy�broadcast.

I'm�two-time Pulitzer�Prize-winner,

Emma�Hunter.

I'm�Miguel�Rivas and,�no,�you're�not.

Once�again,�Canada has�topped�another�UN�ranking.

According�to�the�study,�Canada is�the�best�place�in�the�world

to�be�discriminated�against.

The�report�considered factors�such�as,

availability�of low-paying�jobs

for�overqualified�immigrants,

and�easy�access to�racialized�ghettos. Said�the�report...

(READING)

"...with�a�half-smile,

"and�an�impression�so�subtle,

"you'll�barely�notice�it until�you�apply�for�a�raise."

In�health�news, with�wait�times�on�the�rise,

the�popularity�of�home�births has�opened�the�door

for�a�new�medical�trend in�Canada...

Home�surgeries!

Advocates�of�home�surgery point�to�its�many�benefits.

Choice�of�your�own�anesthetic,

the�ability�to�perform�surgery

from�the�comfort�of�your�own ice-filled�bathtub,

the�free�parking.

For�those who�require�assistance,

there�are�always home�surgery�doulas

who�will�teach�you breathing�exercises

and�whisper�the�untold secrets�of�mother�Gaea�to�you,

as�you�DIY your�gastric�bypass.

Plus,�you�can�scrub�in whenever�you�want, which�is�important,

because�nobody�removes their�appendix�properly on�the�first�try.

The�government�of�Canada issued�a�warning�today about�a�dangerous�condition

that�seems�to�be spreading�farther�north,

thanks�to�global�warming.

White�guys�wearing shorts�all�winter.

So�far,�only�young, white�men�can�be�infected.

Symptoms�include�goatees,

screaming,�"Whoo!" while�walking�to�a�bar,

enjoying�music�styles that�end�in�"core"

and�loudly�swearing at�your�own�dog�in�public.

In�a�bid�to�curb�the�continued spread�of�the�epidemic,

Health�Canada�is�now�issuing a�nationwide�recall

of�AXE�body�spray.

Oppression�based�on�class

is�an�everyday�reality for�many�Canadians.

Our�own�Laura�Cilevitz, met�with�just�one

to�explore�how�classism strikes�to�the�core

of�so�many�of�our�lives.

LAURA:��Today,�as�much�as�ever,

the�social�divide between�rich�and�poor

has�been�a�source of�incalculable�heartbreak.

One�of�its�victims is�Martin�Shkorsky.

Once�one�of�Canada's wealthiest�people,

the�board�of�his�company voted�to�cap�his�CEO�bonus.

Now,�Martin�is�forced�to�get by�on�just�the�yearly�salary

of�an�average�Canadian, per�day.

It�must�have�been�shocking�to go�from�the�top�of�the�world,

to�living�on�just $35,000�a�day?

Oh,�yeah, it�was�a,�uh, humbling�experience.

LAURA:��Martin's�swimming�pool used�to�be�filled�with pristine�glacial�water.

Now,�it's�just common�bottled�water.

He's�had�to�replace�his backyard�masquerade�orgies, with�regular�orgies.

And�here�we�are.

This�is�where we�used�to�stage peacock�fights,�but...

Can't�do�that�anymore, you�know?�It's�a�shame.

Rodrigo�never�got�the�chance to�defend�his�title.

Aw...

(COUGHS)

The�hardest�part�must�have been�selling�your�lake�house

and�your�other�lake�house.

Oh,�yeah,�and�all�I�have�left, is�this�place and�my�house�on�the�lake.

I�also�had�to�sell�all of�my�Nazi�artwork on�the�onyx�market.

Do...�Do�you�mean the�black�market?

I�never�thought�of�it that�way.

I�guess�I'll�have�to�start using�the�black�market

like�a�common...

(SIGHS)�One�percenter.

LAURA:��Only�two�or 300�pay-checks�away, from�living�on�the�street,

Martin�continues to�struggle�on.

Although�he�doesn't�have much�belief�in�the�future,

he�hopes�his�story will�warn�others

about�the�brutality of�income�inequality.

For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.

Thanks,�Laura. We're�all�looking�forward to�your�future�report�on,

"How�to�best�train a�champion�peacock�fighter."

Last�year, the�Canadian�Space�Agency began�recruiting

its�next�two�astronauts.

This�came�as�a�surprise to�Canada's two�existing�astronauts,

who�were�selected in�2009�and�still haven't�been�to�space.

A�spokesperson for�the�Canadian�Space�Agency,

however,�told��The�Beaverton...

(READING)

"...about�the�whole space�thing.

"There�are�plenty�of astronaut�things�to�do,

"right�here�on�Earth,�like, training�new�astronauts."

Current�astronauts, Jeremy�Hansen

and�David�Saint-Jacques were�unavailable�for�comment,

as�they�are�currently�busy with�their�duties

on�their�junior�high science�fair�speaking�circuit.

After�the�break... Can�your�zodiac�sign

tell�whether�or�not you're�the�Zodiac�Killer?

That's�interesting�because the�Zodiac�Killer,

I�thought,�was�my�father.

I�was�just�about�ready to�give�up�on�dating.

The�dating�sites�just�give�you a�picture�and�a�paragraph.

I�needed�something�more pseudoscientific.

That's�why�we�decided�to�try PhrenHarmony.com,

the�world's�first phrenology-based dating�service.

Hello!�I'm��Herr�Doktor�Wilhelm Krantz�von�Falcongrasp,

founder�of�PhrenHarmony.com.

We�match�you�with�the�29 dimensions�important�for�love.

Like,�skull�angle�gradient,

criminality und�concentrativeness.

Based�on�her cranial�physiognomy,

Karen�is�the�sweetest, funniest�person�I've�ever�met.

DR.�FALCONGRASP:��Stop scrolling�through�profiles

hoping�to�find�someone you're�amative�with.

Sign�up�for�PhrenHarmony.com

und�meet�the�person�who�is your�biological�destiny.

DR.�FALCONGRASP:��The�skull wants�what�the�skull�wants.

It�all�starts�with your�craniometric�profile.

A�$50�value,�yours�free, when�you�visit�my�laboratory.

Coming�up�later�this�hour...

MIGUEL:��Stephen�Harper pays�Goldman�Sachs

$200,000�to�listen to�his�speech.

EMMA:��In�entertainment�news, musician�Bon�Iver

is�gearing�up�for peak�sad�season.

MIGUEL:��And�in�a�new�poll, Regina's�been�named the�top�city�in�Canada

by�giggling�eighth�graders.

With�the�price of�crude�stagnating,

Alberta's�oil�sands continue�to�struggle.

In�response,�the�province's petroleum�producers

are�moving�away�from�oil

to�better�exploit the�untapped�value�of�sand.

So�Novus�has�struck a�deal�with�China

to�provide�8,000,000 units�of�oil�sand�bags

to�combat the�inevitable�flooding,

from�rising�ocean�levels.

Imperial�Oil,�meanwhile, has�launched�a�new�line

of�Athabasca�hour�glasses

to�count�down�the�hours until�CO2�levels

turn�the�Earth�into�an uninhabitable�hell-scape.

Finally,�Suncor�will�use�their remaining�subsidies

to�open�a�theme�park,

where�they�invite�you�to�view the�tar�sandcastle�exhibit,

ride�the�wackiest�teetertotter this�side�of�the�Rockies

or�splash�around�the�tailing pond�with�their�mascot,

Slick,�the�oil-soaked�owl.

Turning�to�the�United�States,

a�white�defendant was�acquitted�today

in�the�assault�of an�African-American�man,

after�mounting�what�legal experts�are�calling,

the�first�successful�use of�the,�"Hey,�what�about�black on�black�violence"�defense.

The�defense's�theory,�first advanced�by�users�of�4chan,

posits�that�because black�on�black�violence is�the�real�issue�here,

that�any�instance�of white�on�black�violence,

is�legally�null�and�void.

Defense�counsel's�closing statement�read�as�follows.

(READING)

"Specifically,�black�people kill�black�people.

"In�summation,�all�lives matter,�so�you�must�acquit."

Now�it's�time�to�check�in with�Dave�Barclay

for�the�latest in�all�things�tech.

Thanks,�Emma.

Move�over,�Fitbit.

There's�a�new�fitness�app�in town�that�can�tell�you�exactly

how�many�steps�you�have�left until�you�die.

What?�How�could�it possibly�know�that?

Its�advanced�algorithm takes�into�account a�multitude�of�factors

including�heart�rate, caloric�intake,

and�your�proximity to�neighborhood�stranglers.

For�instance,�Miguel, I�put�your�information into�the�system,

and�it's�telling�me�that�you have�100,000�steps�to�go before�you�die.

Well,�that�doesn't sound�like�a�lot!

Well,�even�the�most sedentary�person

takes�3,000�steps�a�day and�you,�sir,�are�a�pacer.

-So,�wait.�Does�that... -(LAUGHS)

Does�that�mean I�only�have�33�days�left?

-Moving�on... -When�the�hell�am�I�gonna�die?

Look,�it's�not a�crystal�ball,�Miguel.

Unlike�this�next�app. It's�called�Snap�Death.

It's�a�new�filter that�shows�you

exactly�what�you're going�to�look�like in�the�moment�you�pass�away.

For�instance,�I�took�the liberty�of�snapping

a�pic�of�Miguel�earlier, and�with�the�filter�applied,

it�looks�like�this.

What's�on�the�other�side of�that�camera?

Oh,�you�need�to�purchase the�in-app�upgrade to�find�that�out.

No,�it's�not�even�worth�it.

-What? -But�the�app�does�come�with

a�free�feature�that�tells you�exactly�where you're�going�to�be�buried.

For�example,�here's�Miguel.

Aw,�that�looks�to�peaceful! That's�nice.

Is�that... Is�that�my�backyard?

Ooh!�I�don't�know,�Miguel. Trouble�in�paradise?

EMMA:�Thanks,�Dave.

Now�let's�go to�Donavon�Stinson

with�a�special�report on�the�aftermath of�the�cancellation

of��Much�Music's�beloved weekend�dance�party,

Electric�Circus.

Donavon?

To�a�generation�of�Canadians who�came�of�age�in�the�'90s,

Electric�Circus�was a�cultural�touchstone.

But�behind�the�vinyl bodysuits�and�leather�chokers

lay�something�truly, truly�tacky.

For�more�than�15�years,

the�show�captured the�city's�club�kids

and�locked�them�in�cages and�forced�them�to�perform for�the�amusement

of�the�nation's curious�pubescents.

Even�for�a�country whose�history�includes wartime�internment�camps,

this�was�unspeakably�cruel.

Then,�in�2003,�the�network bowed�to�public�pressure

and�released�the�dancers back�into�the�wild.

Since�then,�little�is�known about�how�these once�captive�creatures

have�adjusted to�life�on�the�outside.

So�I�reached�out�to�a�woman who�knows�all�too�well.

Jane�Masterson is�a�wildlife�expert

who�runs�an�animal sanctuary�in�Aurora,�Ontario.

For�the�past�13�years,

she's�been�helping�former Electric�Circus��dancers

like�Kiki,�reintegrate into�a�society�that no�longer�accepts�them.

JANE:��Well,�most�people think�that�just�freeing these�creatures

-is�the�end�of�it. -DONOVAN:��Mmm-hmm.

But�if�they�have the�basic�skills�needed to�function�in�society,

they�wouldn't�have�wound�up on�the��Electric�Circus

-in�the�first�place. -Yeah,�you're�right.�Yeah.

Hi!�I'm�Jane. Nice�to�meet�you.

Your�name�is?

DONAVON:�Jane�says�she�felt a�personal�responsibility

to�help�these imprisoned�dancers

after�her�parents�had�taken her�to��Electric�Circus

for�her�ninth�birthday,

where�she�saw�first-hand what�happens

to�these�poor�souls, if�they�stop�dancing.

-No. -No!�No.

No.�God�damn�it!

-No!�Stop!�Stop,�Kiki! -She's�chasing�me�again.

So�what�did�happen�then?

Why�don't�you�ask�Master�T?

Donavon�Stinson�with The�Beaverton.

How�are�you�today?�Nice�to...

It's�important�that�you�know

I�had�nothing to�do�with��Electric�Circus.

I�hosted��Da�Mix.

Okay,�but�you...�You�knew what�was�going�on?

-I�mean,�there�was�rumors. -Mmm-hmm.

But�my�bosses�assured�me.

They�stopped�cattle�prodding the�dancers�back�in�'97.

Sorry?�Cattle...�Cattle�prods?

-You�know,�cattle�prods. (BUZZING) -I�know�what�a�cattle...

Was�there�any�truth to�the�accusations

that�these�dancers�were locked�to�their�enclosures

using�glow�sticks?

I�mean,�you�just�pop�off�those plastic�connectors.�Come�on!

-That's�a�good�point. -They�always�treated�those

kids�like�royalty, the�same�way I�treat�my�daughters.

-Oh,�you�have�daughters? -GIRL:�Can�I�go�outside?

Sure�you�can,�soon�as�you finish�your�ecstasy.

DONAVON:��Still,�Jane�says the�damage�has�been�done.

I've�worked�with�some pretty�traumatized�creatures in�my�day.

Marineland�whales, Moscow�circus�bears,

James�Cameron's�assistants.

(GRIMACES)

JANE:�But�none�of�that compares�to�these poor�bastards.

No!�Is�there�any�hope�for rehabilitation�and�release?

JANE:�Sadly,�very�little. But�you�never�know.

-Sometimes�you�get�lucky. -DONOVAN:�Yeah.

Kiki?

Who�wants to�go�to�Berlin,�huh?

DONAVON:��While we�were�filming,

a�German�electronica�venue

reached�out�to�Jane's Adopt-a-Partier�service.

JANE:�Come...

DONAVON:��Unlike many�of�her�fellow Electric�Circus��performers,

Kiki�avoided�a�visit to�the�big�EDM�festival in�the�sky,

and�instead,

found�a�place�in Berlin's�techno�scene,

where�she�can�finally�be with�her�own�kind.

For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Donavon�Stinson.

Thanks,�Donavon. Later�tonight,

our�parenting�expert shows�you�"Five�sure�signs

"your�designer�baby is�actually�a�knock-off."

Well,�that's�interesting because�why�would�you design�your�own�baby?

Later�this�hour...

EMMA:��The�nation's dog�spiders

are�still�biding�their�time until�next�summer's startling�season.

MIGUEL:��West�Jet and�Air�Canada

have�denied�colluding to�fix�prices�in�a�joint press�conference.

EMMA:��And�our�beauty�expert will�show�you how�to�look�fuckable

while�you�give�birth.

Up�first...�Well,�you've�all tuned�into�the�news

for�the�glamorous world�of�Hollywood,

where�the�lights�are�bright

and�committing�statutory�rape doesn't�affect�your�career.

It's�time�for Entertainment�Right�Now, Canada.

MAZIN:��Coming�up�on Entertainment�Right�Now, Canada...

Production�stalls�on�the�new Leonardo�Di�Caprio�film

as�the�lead�actresses keep�turning�25.

EMMA:��In�a�win�for�diversity, Sony�Pictures�announced production�of�a�biopic

of�Thurgood�Marshall, the�first�African-American appointed�to�Supreme�Court.

Playing�Marshall�will�be Australian�heartthrob, Chris�Hemsworth.

Hi!�I'm�Mazin. And�with�me,�as�always,

-is�the�radiant�Emma�Hunter. -Aw.

(LAUGHS)�Thank�you.

Up�first...

A�bit�of�controversy has�broken�out

over�the�upcoming�remake of��The�Goonies�film.

That�is�our�Trending�Right�Now story�of�the�day.

Yes,�the�remake�of the�beloved�'80s�film

has�come�under�fire from�fans�angry�that new�director�Paul�Feig

has�recast�all�the�production assistants�with�females.

Feig�didn't�stop�there. All�the�grips,�gaffers

and�boom�mike�holders will�now�be�wo-manned�as�well.

Twitter�has�blown�up on�hearing�the�news.

@TruffleShuffle32�wrote,

"Nothing�but�chicks lighting�the�sets?

"The�new��Goonies is�an�abomination.

"��Childhoodruined."

And�@mouthemouth�said,

"What�are�they�going�to call�it?��The�Poonies?

"��Fuckyoufuckingfuckfucks"

In�music�news,

Drake�has�dedicated�himself

to�the�cause of�marriage�equality

by�lobbying�the�government,

to�allow�a�man to�marry�a�city.

The�man�whose albums�are�often�described�as

"Love�letters to�the�City�of�Toronto"�says,

he�wants�to, "Make�things�official."

Put�an�end�to�this whole�Sam�and�Diane�thing.

And�finally, it�was�the�biggest�night

in�Canadian�arts and�entertainment�last�night.

The�O-1�Visa�Awards,

in�which�Canada's brightest�stars�find�out

who�gets�a�work�visa to�the�United�States.

Attended�to�live on�the�red�carpet.

You�know,�it's�such�an�honor to�be�recognized�by the�country�that�I�love,

by�getting�permission to�go�to�a�country

that�will�actually�pay�me for�my�art.

I�just�can't�wait to�have�a�long,

successful�career�State-side,

and�then�come�back�here and�retire�to�a�nice, Canadian�sitcom

with�my�son.

I�guess,�you�know,�there's always�a�next�year.

Plus,�that�Canadian�Tire�ad is�auditioning�tomorrow.

So...

(SOBBING)�God.�Oh,�God!�Why?

Ouf!�Tough�break for�that�young�lady.

That's�all�for�tonight, but�make�sure to�tune�in�tomorrow,

when�we'll�disappoint�you with�nude�photos

of�your�favorite character�actors.

And�yes,�John�Turturro makes�the�cut.

Thanks,�Emma. Next...

A�terrible�story�about corporate�pollution

and�its�devastating impact�on�the�environment.

Ugh!�Come�on,�Miguel,

let's�try and�keep�things�light.

Next...�Terrorism.

When�an�act�of�terror is�committed�by�a�Muslim,

the�world�asks,�"Why�don't all�the�other�1.7�billion Muslims�denounce�it?"

Well,�now�the�Muslim�community has�appointed�one�person

to�condemn�any�attack to�which�Islam

is�even a�little�bit�connected.

Rabia�Abdulrafi�will�now�serve as�the�apologetic�voice

of�over�one-quarter of�the�global�population.

Rabia�said...

(READING)

"...the�attack�in�Paris, all�the�terrorist�attacks

"from�all�the�action�movies,

"seasons�two�through five�of��Homeland,

"and�Zayn�Malik leaving�One�Direction."

In�related�news, the�representative

for�the�Christian�Coalition

insisted�that�they�had nothing�to�apologize�for.

After�the�break, we'll�show�you

"The�five�hottest wedding�gifts�to�buy

"even�though�you�know Brenda�is�cheating."

That's�interesting.�I've�a�lot of�friends�who�cheat.�I'm�fun.

Welcome�back. Even�in�today's�world,

hatred�against�those�who are�different�runs�rampant.

But�one�man�is�standing�up to�the�bullying.

Joining�us�from�his�basement apartment,�is�Brice�Ulster

to�share�the�story�of�his courageous�battle, with�homophobia.

-Welcome. -Thank�you.

You�know, it's�tough�out�there,

but�it�feels�very�empowering to�know�safe�spaces�like�this

exist�for�me to�share�my�journey.

So,�when�did you�first�experience discrimination,�Brice?

Oh,�wow,�uh, I�suppose�middle�school?

I�was�in�gym�class

and,�totally�innocently, I�called�someone�a�"fairy"

for,�you�know,�having rainbow-colored�socks.

People�were�like, "Whoa,�homophobic."

Wait.�What?

I...�Yeah,�I�know,�I�know. It�was�horrifying.

I�can�still�see�the�judgment in�their�eyes.�Even�today.

Oh!

So,�you're�a�homophobe?

Mmm.�We�don't�like�the�term "homophobe."

We�prefer "Homo-fearing�humans."

I�mean,�that's�why I�wrote�my�book,

Enduring�Straightred.

What�do�you�say�to�the�critics

who�call�your�lifestyle offensive?

I�just�want�them�to�see�that we're�normal�people,

who�were�born�with�a�desire

to�pretend�to�vomit�every�time we�see�two�guys�holding�hands

and�get,�you�know, irrationally�angry.

When�gay�people�adopt children,�'cause...

So,�you�believe�it's�out�of your�control,�Brice?

Hey,�I�would�love

to�be�able�to�go�to�my cousin's�same-sex�wedding

without�crudely�speculating,

(LAUGHING)�"Oh,�hey, which�one's�the�wife,�right?"

Let's�not...

But�that's�just�not�me, you�know?

And�I've�accepted�that. I�am�who�I�am

and�I�shouldn't have�to�change.

I�mean,�I'm�not hurting�anyone...

-Except�homosexuals. -Except�homosexuals.

Yes,�exactly!

Brice,�this�is�outrageous, okay?

Let�me�remind�you�that there�are�children�watching,

-so�if�you�could... -That�is�a�great�point.

To�the�kids�out�there who�are�wondering

why�their�great "butt�pirate"�joke

didn't�get�a�laugh.

You�know,�one�day�you're�going to�join�a�football�team

or�a�country�club,

or�basically�any�place�that has�a�private�locker�room,

and�you're�going�to�find people�who�accept,�nay,

celebrate�you�for�exactly who�you�are.

Thank�you,�Brice.

To�conclude�tonight, I�thought�it�would�be�fun

to�check�in�on�our New�Year's�resolutions.

Did�you�make�any,�Miguel?

Yes,�in�fact,�I�made�about 100�of�them.

-Oh! -Actually�140,�if�you�count

sub-resolutions to�the�addendum,

all�designed�to�help me�attain�physical,�mental, and�spiritual�perfection.

You�know�what,�I�was�actually just�making�small�talk,�Miguel

-so�please�don't... -For�example,�my�resolution

for�January�is�to�properly annotate�all�of�Wikipedia.

-And�to�learn�a�new�language. -Sounds�like�a�tall�order.

-I�was�thinking... -Ja,�naturlich.

But�not�if�you�give�up sleeping,�which�is�another resolution�of�mine.

-Why�would�you... -I'm�really

looking�forward�to�May, when�I�plan�to

run�a�triathlon, master�the�violin

and�train�my�infant�daughter to�trust�me more�than�her�mother.

That's�insane.�Why�would you�do�any�of�that?

So�that�I�can�be the�best�news�anchor that�I�can�for�our�viewers.

Why�don't�you�just�do�what every�other�anchor�does?

Lose�10�pounds, whiten�your�teeth

and�get�your hair�plugs�fixed,�man?

Well, they're�not�hair�plugs...

-That's�all�the�time�we�have. -No,�they're�not...

Next�week�on��The�Beaverton,

our�in-depth�report on�Amazon's

controversial�use of�drone�strikes

on�independent�bookstores.

Seriously,�you�got�to get�those�fixed.

-Not�plugs,�not�plugs. -They�look�weird...

(INDISTINCT�CHATTERING)

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