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In�a�win�for�equality,�Mike Pence�has�promised�that�he
will�also�burn�male�witches.
MIGUEL:��Canada�and�the�US agree a
round�of�cultural�consultation with�oil�industry�elders.
EMMA:�And�our�travel�expert�will f
Fidel�Castro�means�for�your destination�wedding.
(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
where�news�is�king
and�your�brains are�undefended�lands
ripe�for�conquering.
I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�Emma�Hunter. Let�the�pillaging�begin.
The�Liberals�continue to�distance�themselves
from�the�Harper�government's foreign�policy,
by�only�fighting�wars they�know�they�can�win.
According�to�National�Defence Minister,�Harjit�Sajjan,
pointless�conflict is�inevitable.
So�why�not�choose a�pointless�conflict where�we�can�kick�some�ass?
If�we�can�bond�over�a gold�medal�in�Olympic�hockey,
imagine�our�national�pride after�we�bomb�Malta into�a�parking�lot,
or�storm�the�beaches of�Belize.
After�months�of heated�deliberation,
lawmakers�in�Tallahassee have�voted�to�name the�Zika�virus
the�official�state�disaster of�Florida.
Zika�was�seen�as�the�perfect communicable�disease for�Florida,
as�the�two�have so�much�in�common.
Both�Florida�and�Zika cause�headaches,
are�dangerous for�pregnant�women
and�terrify�experts with�their�potential to�spread�north.
Previous�official Florida�disasters�include bath-salt�grandmas,
school�chain-sawings, drunk�water-ski�pyramids,
seeing-eye�panthers and�self-inflicted crossbow�accidents.
Excessive�vajazzling, open-carry�snakes,
roller-coaster�knife-fights, crab�avalanches, or�crab-alanches,
speedboat�surgeries and�deciding�elections�wrong.
Health�Canada�says�that smoking�medicinal�marijuana
is�the�most�effective�way to�relieve�stress.
Specifically, the�stress�associated
with�having�a�criminal�record for�possessing�marijuana.
Since�2008, weed-related�convictions
have�left more�than�25,000�Canadians
unable�to�cross�the�US�border, land�a�decent�job
or�sit�through more�than�seven�seconds
of�any�Phish�song.
Critics�have�lambasted the�government
for�simultaneously selling�medical�marijuana,
while�imprisoning�people for�buying�regular�marijuana.
But�Health�Canada�says�there is�one�crucial�difference between�them.
The�government�only makes�money�off�of�one.
To�Washington�now, where�Congress�has�passed
its�first�bipartisan�bill in�over�three�years.
The�new�legislation�requires all�food�labels�to�provide nutritional�information,
and�to�disclose�whether�they collaborated�with�the�Nazis during�the�Second�World�War.
The�food-and-beverage�lobby
was�quick to�denounce�the�bill.
They�believe�these warning�labels�will,�quote,
"Punish�our�nation's food-producers
"by�reminding�consumers their�favorite�soft�drink
"was�invented in�the�Third�Reich.
"Or,�their�chocolate�bars may�have�once�been made�by�Jewish�slave�labor."
It's�not�the�company's�fault.
They�were�only following�recipes.
Meanwhile,�Hugo�Boss, designer�of�the�SS and�Hitler�Youth�uniforms,
defended�their�past,�stating,
"No�one�ever�said the�war�crime�was�that they�were�poorly-dressed."
Do�you�have�any German�ancestry,�Miguel?
No,�I�don't.
I�do. Grandparents�on�both�sides.
So,�they�fled from�persecution.
Really?
-Sorry�to�hear�that. -Thank�you.
When�did�they get�out�of�Europe?
1945.
Do�you�mean�to�say they�fled�from�prosecution?
Yeah,�that's�what�I�said.
To�Toronto,
where�the�city's�plan to�completely block�out�the�sun
with�condominiums is�nearly�complete.
But,�while it's�easier�than�ever
to�find a�200�square�foot�condo
with�a�beautiful�view of�another�condo,
what�about�those�of�us looking�to�buy�a�house?
With�more,�we�go�to The�Beaverton's�own, Laura�Cilevitz.
LAURA:��With�the�average�price of�a�detached�Toronto�home
creeping�over the�million-dollar�mark,
owning�real�estate may�seem�like�a�pipe�dream.
But�savvy�buyers can�still�find affordable�properties
if�they're�willing�to�overlook a�few�inconveniences.
An�unfinished�basement, poor�air-conditioning
or�the�fact�that�their�house
was�the�site of�a�grisly�murder.
Traditionally,�when�a�seller was�brutally�slayed inside�their�home,
prospective�buyers would�be�turned�off.
But�now,�when a�violent�crime�is�reported,
listing�agents,�brokers and�buyers�are�on�the�scene
before�the�blood has�a�chance�to�cool.
Oh,�Linda,�you�really don't�want�to�get your�DNA�on�that.
HGTV�has�already�picked�up on�the�murder-house�trend.
I�spoke�with�Bryan�Baeumler about�his�newest�hit�show,
Crime�Scene�Interiors.
It's�no�secret�why�this�show has�been�such�a�success.
I�mean,�it's�got�everything that�everybody�loves.
Violence,�money, the�aspiration�of home-ownership,�sex.
There's�sex�in�the�show?
Plus,�it�capitalizes�on two�really�hot�trends,
that�don't�seem�to�be going�away�anytime�soon,
the�insanity�of�the Toronto�real-estate�market
and�man's�inhumanity�to�man.
Just�the�other�day,
a�home�with�two�bedrooms, one�bathroom and�four�stranglings
sold�for�1.2�million.
-What? -Yeah.
Wow.�But...
What�if�the housing�bubble�bursts and�crime�rates�drop?
Let's�just�say
that's�not�going�to�happen anytime�soon.
If�you�catch�my�drift.
Are...�Are�you�implying that�you're�the�one murdering�these�people?
I�didn't�say�that,�Laura.
(LAUGHS�NERVOUSLY)
It's�even�spreading to�neighboring�communities.
A�few�years�ago, no�one�would�dream�of�looking
in�a�garbage�town like�Hamilton,
but�with�improving transit�options
and�a�high stabbing�per�capita�rate,
Steel�City is�the�new�"it"�locale for�murder�houses.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.
Thanks,�Laura.
When�we�come�back,
confusion,�as�a suspended�dentist
hands�in�a�badge and�a�gun,�for�some�reason.
You�know,�that's�really interesting,�because...
-Dentists�are�scary. -Dentists,�uh...
-They�do�have�weapons at�their�disposal. -They�do.
ANNOUNCER:��Tonight, on�an�all-new Crime�Scene�Interiors...
Karen�and�Dan�have the�perfect�marriage and�the�perfect�family.
But,�will�they�find their�perfect�Toronto�home?
So�this�place�isn't on�the�market�yet, but�it�is�available.
It's�really�nice.�Uh...
Uh,�did�I�mention that�the�survivors are�really�motivated?
Oh!
ANNOUNCER:��The�events�here, were�the�stuff�of�nightmares.
So�he�hid�the�bodies in�the�walls?
Yeah,�unfortunately�disturbed a�little�bit�of�the asbestos�insulation,
so�I'll�have�to�get an�abatement.
ANNOUNCER:��But,�can�it�be their�dream�home?
You�know�what, I�really�like�the�carpet.
It's�disgusting! That�cream�color is�going�to�attract�dirt.
It's�also�soaked�in�blood.
But�don't�worry, I�checked�and�there's hardwood�underneath�it.
Great!
Nothing�I�do�is�ever good�enough�for�you,�Karen!
ANNOUNCER:��All�that�and�more, on�this�week's�episode of�Crime�Scene�Interiors.
Coming�up�on��The�Beaverton...
Can�men�and�women�be�friends?
A�new�study�says, "Yeah�man,�grow�up!"
MIGUEL:��A�leaked�email�hack
reveals�Rick�Moranis is�a�pretty�nice�guy.
EMMA:��American�FDA�officials
give�up,�tie�off and�chase�the�sweet�dragon.
To�Ottawa,�the�city you've�already�forgotten�about
since�I�mentioned�it at�the�start�of�this�sentence.
Last�year,�the�Ottawa�police came�under�fire
for�racist�comments, the�killing�of�a�black�man with�mental-health�issues,
and�for�implementing a�training�manual written�by�Ann�Coulter.
To�improve community�relations,
the�capital's�finest have�introduced�a�new�policy.
From�now�on, officers�may�only�be�racist
on�their�own�time.
In�a�statement, the�department�advised,
"By�requiring�officers to�save�their deep-seated�hatred
"for�evenings�and�weekends,
"we�can�protect�ourselves from�negative�press,
"while�continuing to�do�nothing�about institutional�racism.
"Just�like�we�always�planned."
One�of�Canada's�oldest classic�rock�radio�stations
is�closing�its�doors this�week,
citing�a�lack�of broadcast-caliber�homophobes.
For�nearly�40�years, Fredericton's�109.2, "The�Queef,"
endeared�itself�to�listeners with�a�steady�diet
of�classic�rock and�on-air�fart�pranks.
But,�when�morning�man, Jake�Dillinger
and�his�trusty�sidekick, Paul�"Pussyhound"�Wisewall,
fell�in�love and�moved�to�the�country,
the�FM�staple�was�unable to�find�a�sneering�homophobe
with�a�golden�voice.
Station�manager,�Wayne�Delmas,
hopes�fans�find the�toxic�masculinity they're�looking�for,
when�they�re-brand�as sports-talk�radio's 109.2,�"The�Taint."
GMO�foods are�in�our�grocery�stores.
But,�are�there�health�risks associated�with�eating�them?
Joining�us�to�discuss is�the�lead�geneticist from�DNA�Authority�Inc.,
Dr.�Thomas�Braymore.
Dr.�Braymore, are�GMOs�dangerous?
(CHUCKLES)�Uh,�look, all�plants�have�genes.
Rearranging�those�genes
doesn't�make�plants more�dangerous.
Genes�change�themselves naturally,�through�evolution.
Does�that�mean�you�can�make Swiss�chard
that�doesn't�taste like�Swiss�dirt?
Well,�we�can�do�anything.
We�can�make more�nutritious�vegetables,
drought-resistant�rice.
We�could�hypothetically�put the�DNA�of�a�praying�mantis
inside�of�a�human without�any�unwanted health�risk�to�consumers.
But�many�people seem�to�think�GMOs can�put�other�species�at�risk.
Uh,�that's�a�little�unfair.
Sweet�corn is�not�going�to�push regular�corn�into�extinction,
GMO�tomatoes won't�cause�cancer,
there's�no�secret�project
to�build�a�vicious human-mantis�hybrid.
Could�you�make�a�carrot that�looks�like�a�fish?
Now�you're�talking.
See,�we�need�to�stop these�unsubstantiated�claims
that�GMOs�are�Franken-foods,
or�that�seven-foot�mantis-men are�going�to�escape
their�hidden Nevada�laboratories
and�wipe�out�all�of�humanity.
Should...
Should�we�be�worried about�that?
You�keep�bringing�up giant�mantises.
I�believe it's�pronounced�manti.
No,�it's�not.
It's�called�hypotheticals.
No�GMO�company�would�ever
build�something that�dangerous.
I�mean,�who�would�want�that?
The�military?
-I�think,�yes,�probably,�yeah. -Yes.
Look,�the�thing�we�need to�remember�here
is�that�it's�not�GMOs that�are�dangerous.
The�danger�lies�solely in�the�hands�of�people.
I�suppose,�that�makes...
In�particular,�mantis-people.
EMMA:�Thank�you,�Dr.�Braymore.
The�NRA, America's�notorious�gun�lobby,
is�well-known for�its�inclusiveness.
After�all,�guns�don't�join violent,�backwards-thinking organizations,
people�do.
But�now,�the�NRA is�facing�criticism
about�the�role�of�guns in�recent�mass�shootings
targeting�the�LGBT�community, women�and�minorities.
Marilla�Wex�reports�on how�gun�advocates are�responding.
MARILLA:��When�a�mass�shooting perpetrated�by�an�FBI watch-list�suspect
leads�not�only to�Congress's�inaction
on�an�assault-weapon ban�for�terrorists,
but�also�a�spike in�AR-15�sales,
it�can�only�mean�one�thing.
The�NRA�has�some serious�firepower�in
their�marketing�department.
Gene�Phillips is�the�gun�industry's leading�design�consultant.
Never�one�to�let a�mass�shooting�go�to�waste,
he�spearheaded�the�rollout
of�several�gay-themed�weapons after�Orlando.
Is�it�hypocritical to�now�court�a�community
you've�had�a�long�history of�demonizing�and�persecuting?
We've�always supported�gay�rights.
Specifically,�the�gay�right to�bear�arms.
Every�public�shooting opens�the�gun�lobby's�eyes
to�an�entirely�new customer�base.
It�came to�their�attention�that,
not�only�do�women make�up�half�the�population,
but�also�70%�of�victims of�domestic�gun�violence.
The�success of�the�"Girls�Just�Wanna Have�Guns"�campaign,
led�to�similar marketing�efforts
towards�movie-goers,�after the�Aurora�theater�shooting,
college�students, after�Virginia�Tech,
and�even�children, after�Sandy�Hook.
I�noticed,�after�the Charleston�church�shooting,
there�wasn't�a�push�for�guns targeted�towards
the�African-American community.
Well...
It�must�have slipped�our�minds.
MARILLA:��For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Marilla�Wex.
Thanks,�Marilla.
You�know,�guns�are�such a�complicated�issue.
On�the�one�hand, they�kill�thousands every�year...
After�the�break,
we�start�the�show from�the�beginning,
to�see�if�you�can�spot the�one�change.
It's�funny,�because most�of�them�don't�realize that�you�can�change�things.
Coming�up�later,
our�sports�analyst looks�at�which�Blue�Jays pitching�prospect
does�throwing�the�best.
EMMA:��MGM�is�expecting to�save�millions
by�shooting�a�film and�its�reboot
at�the�same�time.
MIGUEL:��And�as baby�boomers�age,
we�profile�the�fastest-growing section�of�the�population,
ghosts.
Today,�scientists�at�NASA announced�plans
to�land�a�manned�spacecraft on�Mars�by�2025,
allowing�them�to�be�there a�full�10�years�before the�planet�is�gentrified.
NASA�is�hoping to�collect�samples
and�enjoy�the�thriving indie-art�scene,
before�developers inevitably�fill�the�landscape
with�trendy�oxygen�bars and�organic�freeze-dried frozen�yogurt�shops.
Property�values�are�already predicted�to�increase
by�over�200% in�the�next�decade,
effectively�pricing�out the�rocks�and�subterranean�ice
that�have�been�there for�billions�of�years.
As�the�world's diamond�supply�dwindles,
and�the�backlash�increases on�their�methods of�extraction,
Canadian�diamond�companies have�adopted�a�new�approach to�mining,
synthetic�blood�diamonds.
According�to�De�Beers, consumers�are�thrilled
that�their�precious�gems aren't�being�used�to�finance insurgent�activity
in�central-African conflict-zones.
But,�there�were�concerns
the�diamonds wouldn't�feel�authentic
if�human�suffering wasn't�built�into�their�cost.
Each�hand-crafted�jewel will�now�come�complete
with�a�pamphlet�detailing just�how�few�resources
were�allocated�to�the northern�community from�which�they�came,
and�the�backstory of�the�person
whose�spirit�was�crushed at�extremely�high�pressure,
in�order�to�manufacture the�stunning�conflict-bling.
Zoos,�the�nation's second-favorite�place
to�eat�snacks while�smelling�feces.
But�recently, concern�about�how the�animals�are�being�treated
has�led�to�a�backlash against�zoos,
with�many�rights�groups calling�for�them to�be�closed�altogether.
Joining�us�to�debate�the�issue is�animal�rights�activist, John�Karoly.
Thanks�for�having�me.
And�live�via�FaceTime is�Sebastian,
whose�mommy�promised�him a�trip�to�the�zoo
if�he�finished�all�this�peas.
Hello.
EMMA:��Oh,�what�a�cutie!
John,�I�think�public�sentiment has�come�in-line�with�calls
to�ban�elephants and�large�cats from�the�circus,
but�most�zoos�advocate for�conservation, just�like�you.
Zoos�have�no�intention of�releasing�captive animals�into�the�wild.
They�just�desensitize children�into�believing
exotic�animals�like�giraffes
should�be�gawked�at from�behind�a�cage.
No!
Sebastian,�a�rebuttal?
I�have�to�wah.
Well,�it's�hard to�argue�with�that.
I�have�dinosaurs!
With�what?�That�point�was completely�incoherent.
Oh!�Little�harsh,�John.
Are�you�advocating for�the�closure
of�the�Metro�Toronto�Zoo,
no�matter�how�may�vegetables Sebastian�eats?
I�want�berries.
I�suppose�you�want to�take�his�berries�away�too.
I'm�more�than�happy for�Sebastian�to�eat�fruit,
rather�than�meat and�dairy�products.
John,�toddlers�need�milk to�build�bone�mass.
Sebastian,�how�do�you�respond to�this�low�blow?
I�don't�know.
Can�I�start�over?
I�feel�like�my�points aren't�coming�across�here.
The�bottom�line�is, it's�morally�reprehensible
to�allow�zoos to�keep�animals�like�elephants
locked�up�in�tiny�cages.
No!
For�God's�sake,�John,
just�let�the�kid see�an�elephant!
Okay,�fine, he�can�go�to�the�zoo!
Well,�I�am�glad you're�finally�seeing�things Sebastian's�way,�John.
Now�it's�time�for our�regular�beauty�segment.
Everyone�has their�own�beauty�routine for�looking�good,
personally,�I�use�cream.
Wait,�what?
Where?
What�kind?�What...
Well,�why�don't�we�ask The�Beaverton's�beauty�expert?
Here's�Amber.
From�your�sizable�tush
to�your�inadvisable�bush, I'm�here�for�you�guys.
Okay!
So,�what�have�you got�for�us,�Amber?
Okay,�bitches, prepare�to�be�flab-agasted.
True�beauty comes�from�the�inside.
Which�is�why�you�need a�super-tight�core.
Yeah,�I�couldn't�agree�more.
I'm�actually�doing�Kegels right�now.
AMBER:�When�you're leaning�in,�ladies,
be�sure�to�flex�those�abs and�your�glutes.
You�want�people nodding�appreciatively at�your�ass
while�you�climb�up and�down�the�corporate�ladder.
Sorry,�Amber,�I,�for�one, feel�that�women
shouldn't�be�going�down the�corporate�ladder.
Well,�they�shouldn't take�the�elevator.
They'll�never�get their�10,000�steps.
Yeah,�Miguel.
Um,�but�what�about�the�parts we�can't�exercise,
like�our�faces?
What�do�we�do to�improve�those?
In�case you�haven't�heard,�Emma,
the�no-makeup�movement is�lit�AF�right�now.
Yes,�and�I�think it�is�so�empowering
that�women�are accepting�themselves
for�their�natural�beauty.
AMBER:�Absolutely!
Unless�you�look�like�trash without�any�makeup�on.
Then�for�God's�sake, put�on�some�makeup!
Like,�more�than you�think�you�need.
Too�much�makeup.
Emma,�you've�nailed�it!
Thank�you.
Um,�so�are�you�saying that�we�shouldn't�follow
the�no-makeup�movement?
I�would�never�advocate not�participating�in�a�trend.
So,�if�you�want the�no-makeup�look, without�the�no-makeup,
you�need�Conceal�Her's new�line�of�cosmetics, ��NoMakeupSelfie.
It's�very�expensive.
And�expensive means�good,�right?
Made�with�sulphates,�gluten, bluefin�tuna�ejaculate and�ejaculin,
it's�this�week's "Amber's�Alert."
Uh,�I'm�curious,�Amber, where�do�they�get�the...
I'm�Amber�saying,
"You�do�you,
"as�long�as�you�do the�you�I�say�you�are."
Thanks,�Amber. I�feel�terrible,
and�that's�how�I�know you've�done�your�job.
After�the�break, don't�think�we've�forgotten
about�the�weird�cream�thing Miguel�mentioned�earlier.
Where�do�you�even�buy�it?
At�the�cream�store.
-Okay. -There's�a�lot of�cream�stores.
The�cream�store?
I�feel�like�I've�been...
Welcome�back.
In�domestic�news, Saskatoon�resident, Shane�Maddingly,
has�admitted�the�popular streaming�service,�Netflix,
knows�him�better than�any�woman ever�has�or�will.
Maddingly,�whose last�relationship,
was�over�three�years�ago,
came�to�the�realization
after�watching every�suggestion
in�the�"Top�Picks for�Wayne"�category,
a�marathon�than�included, A�Most�Wanted�Man,
Diary�of�a�Teenage�Girl, The�Purge:�Anarchy
and�all�98�episodes of��Star�Trek:�Enterprise.
Reached�for�comment, Maddingly�said,
"I�didn't�know that�I�needed�to�watch
"The�Hunger�Games: Mockingjay�Part�2,
"but�Netflix�did,
"just�like�it�knew Stranger�Things�would�help�me confront�my�own�Upside�Down.
"By�the�time�the�credits rolled�on��Dirty�Grandpa,
"I'd�never�felt�happier, or�more�understood."
At��The�Beaverton, we�believe�the�fourth�estate
is�crucial�to�a functioning�democracy.
That's�why�we�care so�much�about�upvotes.
Ugh!
This�week,�the�headline with�the�most�upvotes�is,
"Five�differences�between '30s�kids�and�'90s�kids."
Oh,�boy!
Number�five,
they�had�a�childhood�Dust�Bowl but�we�had��Teenage�Dirtbag.
Number�four,�they�had Portuguese�dictator,�Salazar,
and�we�had�Salazar�Slytherin.
(LAUGHS)
Harry�Potter,�remember?
Yeah,�from The�Chamber�of�Secrets,
I�do�remember,�yes.
Salazar�sold�arms to�the�Nazis.
Number�three,
we�had�the�classic�beef
between�west�coast and�east�coast�hip-hop,
they�had�the�beef between�Stalin
and�the�Ukraine�populace.
Millions�starved.
Read�your�thing.
Come�on,�read�it.
Number�two,�we�watched Michelle�Tanner�grow�up,
they�watched the�Hindenburg�blow�up.
And�number�one,�they�had the�Italian�Fascist�party,
but�there�was�only�one Italian�party�we�cared�about,
it�was��Mario�Party.
Look,�Emma,�about�Beavfeed,
I'm�having�some�serious ethical�questions.
That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight.
He's�Miguel�Rivas and�I'm�Emma�Hunter,
saying�be�safe, but�not�condom-safe.
That's�so...�Oh�my�God!
I'm�fun.
-No,�you're�not�that�fun. -I'm�the�fun�one.
MIGUEL:�When�you�say�it like�that...
EMMA:�I�am.
(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)
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