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Original subtitles

In�a�win�for�equality,�Mike Pence�has�promised�that�he

will�also�burn�male�witches.

MIGUEL:��Canada�and�the�US agree a

round�of�cultural�consultation with�oil�industry�elders.

EMMA:�And�our�travel�expert�will f

Fidel�Castro�means�for�your destination�wedding.

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

where�news�is�king

and�your�brains are�undefended�lands

ripe�for�conquering.

I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�Emma�Hunter. Let�the�pillaging�begin.

The�Liberals�continue to�distance�themselves

from�the�Harper�government's foreign�policy,

by�only�fighting�wars they�know�they�can�win.

According�to�National�Defence Minister,�Harjit�Sajjan,

pointless�conflict is�inevitable.

So�why�not�choose a�pointless�conflict where�we�can�kick�some�ass?

If�we�can�bond�over�a gold�medal�in�Olympic�hockey,

imagine�our�national�pride after�we�bomb�Malta into�a�parking�lot,

or�storm�the�beaches of�Belize.

After�months�of heated�deliberation,

lawmakers�in�Tallahassee have�voted�to�name the�Zika�virus

the�official�state�disaster of�Florida.

Zika�was�seen�as�the�perfect communicable�disease for�Florida,

as�the�two�have so�much�in�common.

Both�Florida�and�Zika cause�headaches,

are�dangerous for�pregnant�women

and�terrify�experts with�their�potential to�spread�north.

Previous�official Florida�disasters�include bath-salt�grandmas,

school�chain-sawings, drunk�water-ski�pyramids,

seeing-eye�panthers and�self-inflicted crossbow�accidents.

Excessive�vajazzling, open-carry�snakes,

roller-coaster�knife-fights, crab�avalanches, or�crab-alanches,

speedboat�surgeries and�deciding�elections�wrong.

Health�Canada�says�that smoking�medicinal�marijuana

is�the�most�effective�way to�relieve�stress.

Specifically, the�stress�associated

with�having�a�criminal�record for�possessing�marijuana.

Since�2008, weed-related�convictions

have�left more�than�25,000�Canadians

unable�to�cross�the�US�border, land�a�decent�job

or�sit�through more�than�seven�seconds

of�any�Phish�song.

Critics�have�lambasted the�government

for�simultaneously selling�medical�marijuana,

while�imprisoning�people for�buying�regular�marijuana.

But�Health�Canada�says�there is�one�crucial�difference between�them.

The�government�only makes�money�off�of�one.

To�Washington�now, where�Congress�has�passed

its�first�bipartisan�bill in�over�three�years.

The�new�legislation�requires all�food�labels�to�provide nutritional�information,

and�to�disclose�whether�they collaborated�with�the�Nazis during�the�Second�World�War.

The�food-and-beverage�lobby

was�quick to�denounce�the�bill.

They�believe�these warning�labels�will,�quote,

"Punish�our�nation's food-producers

"by�reminding�consumers their�favorite�soft�drink

"was�invented in�the�Third�Reich.

"Or,�their�chocolate�bars may�have�once�been made�by�Jewish�slave�labor."

It's�not�the�company's�fault.

They�were�only following�recipes.

Meanwhile,�Hugo�Boss, designer�of�the�SS and�Hitler�Youth�uniforms,

defended�their�past,�stating,

"No�one�ever�said the�war�crime�was�that they�were�poorly-dressed."

Do�you�have�any German�ancestry,�Miguel?

No,�I�don't.

I�do. Grandparents�on�both�sides.

So,�they�fled from�persecution.

Really?

-Sorry�to�hear�that. -Thank�you.

When�did�they get�out�of�Europe?

1945.

Do�you�mean�to�say they�fled�from�prosecution?

Yeah,�that's�what�I�said.

To�Toronto,

where�the�city's�plan to�completely block�out�the�sun

with�condominiums is�nearly�complete.

But,�while it's�easier�than�ever

to�find a�200�square�foot�condo

with�a�beautiful�view of�another�condo,

what�about�those�of�us looking�to�buy�a�house?

With�more,�we�go�to The�Beaverton's�own, Laura�Cilevitz.

LAURA:��With�the�average�price of�a�detached�Toronto�home

creeping�over the�million-dollar�mark,

owning�real�estate may�seem�like�a�pipe�dream.

But�savvy�buyers can�still�find affordable�properties

if�they're�willing�to�overlook a�few�inconveniences.

An�unfinished�basement, poor�air-conditioning

or�the�fact�that�their�house

was�the�site of�a�grisly�murder.

Traditionally,�when�a�seller was�brutally�slayed inside�their�home,

prospective�buyers would�be�turned�off.

But�now,�when a�violent�crime�is�reported,

listing�agents,�brokers and�buyers�are�on�the�scene

before�the�blood has�a�chance�to�cool.

Oh,�Linda,�you�really don't�want�to�get your�DNA�on�that.

HGTV�has�already�picked�up on�the�murder-house�trend.

I�spoke�with�Bryan�Baeumler about�his�newest�hit�show,

Crime�Scene�Interiors.

It's�no�secret�why�this�show has�been�such�a�success.

I�mean,�it's�got�everything that�everybody�loves.

Violence,�money, the�aspiration�of home-ownership,�sex.

There's�sex�in�the�show?

Plus,�it�capitalizes�on two�really�hot�trends,

that�don't�seem�to�be going�away�anytime�soon,

the�insanity�of�the Toronto�real-estate�market

and�man's�inhumanity�to�man.

Just�the�other�day,

a�home�with�two�bedrooms, one�bathroom and�four�stranglings

sold�for�1.2�million.

-What? -Yeah.

Wow.�But...

What�if�the housing�bubble�bursts and�crime�rates�drop?

Let's�just�say

that's�not�going�to�happen anytime�soon.

If�you�catch�my�drift.

Are...�Are�you�implying that�you're�the�one murdering�these�people?

I�didn't�say�that,�Laura.

(LAUGHS�NERVOUSLY)

It's�even�spreading to�neighboring�communities.

A�few�years�ago, no�one�would�dream�of�looking

in�a�garbage�town like�Hamilton,

but�with�improving transit�options

and�a�high stabbing�per�capita�rate,

Steel�City is�the�new�"it"�locale for�murder�houses.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.

Thanks,�Laura.

When�we�come�back,

confusion,�as�a suspended�dentist

hands�in�a�badge and�a�gun,�for�some�reason.

You�know,�that's�really interesting,�because...

-Dentists�are�scary. -Dentists,�uh...

-They�do�have�weapons at�their�disposal. -They�do.

ANNOUNCER:��Tonight, on�an�all-new Crime�Scene�Interiors...

Karen�and�Dan�have the�perfect�marriage and�the�perfect�family.

But,�will�they�find their�perfect�Toronto�home?

So�this�place�isn't on�the�market�yet, but�it�is�available.

It's�really�nice.�Uh...

Uh,�did�I�mention that�the�survivors are�really�motivated?

Oh!

ANNOUNCER:��The�events�here, were�the�stuff�of�nightmares.

So�he�hid�the�bodies in�the�walls?

Yeah,�unfortunately�disturbed a�little�bit�of�the asbestos�insulation,

so�I'll�have�to�get an�abatement.

ANNOUNCER:��But,�can�it�be their�dream�home?

You�know�what, I�really�like�the�carpet.

It's�disgusting! That�cream�color is�going�to�attract�dirt.

It's�also�soaked�in�blood.

But�don't�worry, I�checked�and�there's hardwood�underneath�it.

Great!

Nothing�I�do�is�ever good�enough�for�you,�Karen!

ANNOUNCER:��All�that�and�more, on�this�week's�episode of�Crime�Scene�Interiors.

Coming�up�on��The�Beaverton...

Can�men�and�women�be�friends?

A�new�study�says, "Yeah�man,�grow�up!"

MIGUEL:��A�leaked�email�hack

reveals�Rick�Moranis is�a�pretty�nice�guy.

EMMA:��American�FDA�officials

give�up,�tie�off and�chase�the�sweet�dragon.

To�Ottawa,�the�city you've�already�forgotten�about

since�I�mentioned�it at�the�start�of�this�sentence.

Last�year,�the�Ottawa�police came�under�fire

for�racist�comments, the�killing�of�a�black�man with�mental-health�issues,

and�for�implementing a�training�manual written�by�Ann�Coulter.

To�improve community�relations,

the�capital's�finest have�introduced�a�new�policy.

From�now�on, officers�may�only�be�racist

on�their�own�time.

In�a�statement, the�department�advised,

"By�requiring�officers to�save�their deep-seated�hatred

"for�evenings�and�weekends,

"we�can�protect�ourselves from�negative�press,

"while�continuing to�do�nothing�about institutional�racism.

"Just�like�we�always�planned."

One�of�Canada's�oldest classic�rock�radio�stations

is�closing�its�doors this�week,

citing�a�lack�of broadcast-caliber�homophobes.

For�nearly�40�years, Fredericton's�109.2, "The�Queef,"

endeared�itself�to�listeners with�a�steady�diet

of�classic�rock and�on-air�fart�pranks.

But,�when�morning�man, Jake�Dillinger

and�his�trusty�sidekick, Paul�"Pussyhound"�Wisewall,

fell�in�love and�moved�to�the�country,

the�FM�staple�was�unable to�find�a�sneering�homophobe

with�a�golden�voice.

Station�manager,�Wayne�Delmas,

hopes�fans�find the�toxic�masculinity they're�looking�for,

when�they�re-brand�as sports-talk�radio's 109.2,�"The�Taint."

GMO�foods are�in�our�grocery�stores.

But,�are�there�health�risks associated�with�eating�them?

Joining�us�to�discuss is�the�lead�geneticist from�DNA�Authority�Inc.,

Dr.�Thomas�Braymore.

Dr.�Braymore, are�GMOs�dangerous?

(CHUCKLES)�Uh,�look, all�plants�have�genes.

Rearranging�those�genes

doesn't�make�plants more�dangerous.

Genes�change�themselves naturally,�through�evolution.

Does�that�mean�you�can�make Swiss�chard

that�doesn't�taste like�Swiss�dirt?

Well,�we�can�do�anything.

We�can�make more�nutritious�vegetables,

drought-resistant�rice.

We�could�hypothetically�put the�DNA�of�a�praying�mantis

inside�of�a�human without�any�unwanted health�risk�to�consumers.

But�many�people seem�to�think�GMOs can�put�other�species�at�risk.

Uh,�that's�a�little�unfair.

Sweet�corn is�not�going�to�push regular�corn�into�extinction,

GMO�tomatoes won't�cause�cancer,

there's�no�secret�project

to�build�a�vicious human-mantis�hybrid.

Could�you�make�a�carrot that�looks�like�a�fish?

Now�you're�talking.

See,�we�need�to�stop these�unsubstantiated�claims

that�GMOs�are�Franken-foods,

or�that�seven-foot�mantis-men are�going�to�escape

their�hidden Nevada�laboratories

and�wipe�out�all�of�humanity.

Should...

Should�we�be�worried about�that?

You�keep�bringing�up giant�mantises.

I�believe it's�pronounced�manti.

No,�it's�not.

It's�called�hypotheticals.

No�GMO�company�would�ever

build�something that�dangerous.

I�mean,�who�would�want�that?

The�military?

-I�think,�yes,�probably,�yeah. -Yes.

Look,�the�thing�we�need to�remember�here

is�that�it's�not�GMOs that�are�dangerous.

The�danger�lies�solely in�the�hands�of�people.

I�suppose,�that�makes...

In�particular,�mantis-people.

EMMA:�Thank�you,�Dr.�Braymore.

The�NRA, America's�notorious�gun�lobby,

is�well-known for�its�inclusiveness.

After�all,�guns�don't�join violent,�backwards-thinking organizations,

people�do.

But�now,�the�NRA is�facing�criticism

about�the�role�of�guns in�recent�mass�shootings

targeting�the�LGBT�community, women�and�minorities.

Marilla�Wex�reports�on how�gun�advocates are�responding.

MARILLA:��When�a�mass�shooting perpetrated�by�an�FBI watch-list�suspect

leads�not�only to�Congress's�inaction

on�an�assault-weapon ban�for�terrorists,

but�also�a�spike in�AR-15�sales,

it�can�only�mean�one�thing.

The�NRA�has�some serious�firepower�in

their�marketing�department.

Gene�Phillips is�the�gun�industry's leading�design�consultant.

Never�one�to�let a�mass�shooting�go�to�waste,

he�spearheaded�the�rollout

of�several�gay-themed�weapons after�Orlando.

Is�it�hypocritical to�now�court�a�community

you've�had�a�long�history of�demonizing�and�persecuting?

We've�always supported�gay�rights.

Specifically,�the�gay�right to�bear�arms.

Every�public�shooting opens�the�gun�lobby's�eyes

to�an�entirely�new customer�base.

It�came to�their�attention�that,

not�only�do�women make�up�half�the�population,

but�also�70%�of�victims of�domestic�gun�violence.

The�success of�the�"Girls�Just�Wanna Have�Guns"�campaign,

led�to�similar marketing�efforts

towards�movie-goers,�after the�Aurora�theater�shooting,

college�students, after�Virginia�Tech,

and�even�children, after�Sandy�Hook.

I�noticed,�after�the Charleston�church�shooting,

there�wasn't�a�push�for�guns targeted�towards

the�African-American community.

Well...

It�must�have slipped�our�minds.

MARILLA:��For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Marilla�Wex.

Thanks,�Marilla.

You�know,�guns�are�such a�complicated�issue.

On�the�one�hand, they�kill�thousands every�year...

After�the�break,

we�start�the�show from�the�beginning,

to�see�if�you�can�spot the�one�change.

It's�funny,�because most�of�them�don't�realize that�you�can�change�things.

Coming�up�later,

our�sports�analyst looks�at�which�Blue�Jays pitching�prospect

does�throwing�the�best.

EMMA:��MGM�is�expecting to�save�millions

by�shooting�a�film and�its�reboot

at�the�same�time.

MIGUEL:��And�as baby�boomers�age,

we�profile�the�fastest-growing section�of�the�population,

ghosts.

Today,�scientists�at�NASA announced�plans

to�land�a�manned�spacecraft on�Mars�by�2025,

allowing�them�to�be�there a�full�10�years�before the�planet�is�gentrified.

NASA�is�hoping to�collect�samples

and�enjoy�the�thriving indie-art�scene,

before�developers inevitably�fill�the�landscape

with�trendy�oxygen�bars and�organic�freeze-dried frozen�yogurt�shops.

Property�values�are�already predicted�to�increase

by�over�200% in�the�next�decade,

effectively�pricing�out the�rocks�and�subterranean�ice

that�have�been�there for�billions�of�years.

As�the�world's diamond�supply�dwindles,

and�the�backlash�increases on�their�methods of�extraction,

Canadian�diamond�companies have�adopted�a�new�approach to�mining,

synthetic�blood�diamonds.

According�to�De�Beers, consumers�are�thrilled

that�their�precious�gems aren't�being�used�to�finance insurgent�activity

in�central-African conflict-zones.

But,�there�were�concerns

the�diamonds wouldn't�feel�authentic

if�human�suffering wasn't�built�into�their�cost.

Each�hand-crafted�jewel will�now�come�complete

with�a�pamphlet�detailing just�how�few�resources

were�allocated�to�the northern�community from�which�they�came,

and�the�backstory of�the�person

whose�spirit�was�crushed at�extremely�high�pressure,

in�order�to�manufacture the�stunning�conflict-bling.

Zoos,�the�nation's second-favorite�place

to�eat�snacks while�smelling�feces.

But�recently, concern�about�how the�animals�are�being�treated

has�led�to�a�backlash against�zoos,

with�many�rights�groups calling�for�them to�be�closed�altogether.

Joining�us�to�debate�the�issue is�animal�rights�activist, John�Karoly.

Thanks�for�having�me.

And�live�via�FaceTime is�Sebastian,

whose�mommy�promised�him a�trip�to�the�zoo

if�he�finished�all�this�peas.

Hello.

EMMA:��Oh,�what�a�cutie!

John,�I�think�public�sentiment has�come�in-line�with�calls

to�ban�elephants and�large�cats from�the�circus,

but�most�zoos�advocate for�conservation, just�like�you.

Zoos�have�no�intention of�releasing�captive animals�into�the�wild.

They�just�desensitize children�into�believing

exotic�animals�like�giraffes

should�be�gawked�at from�behind�a�cage.

No!

Sebastian,�a�rebuttal?

I�have�to�wah.

Well,�it's�hard to�argue�with�that.

I�have�dinosaurs!

With�what?�That�point�was completely�incoherent.

Oh!�Little�harsh,�John.

Are�you�advocating for�the�closure

of�the�Metro�Toronto�Zoo,

no�matter�how�may�vegetables Sebastian�eats?

I�want�berries.

I�suppose�you�want to�take�his�berries�away�too.

I'm�more�than�happy for�Sebastian�to�eat�fruit,

rather�than�meat and�dairy�products.

John,�toddlers�need�milk to�build�bone�mass.

Sebastian,�how�do�you�respond to�this�low�blow?

I�don't�know.

Can�I�start�over?

I�feel�like�my�points aren't�coming�across�here.

The�bottom�line�is, it's�morally�reprehensible

to�allow�zoos to�keep�animals�like�elephants

locked�up�in�tiny�cages.

No!

For�God's�sake,�John,

just�let�the�kid see�an�elephant!

Okay,�fine, he�can�go�to�the�zoo!

Well,�I�am�glad you're�finally�seeing�things Sebastian's�way,�John.

Now�it's�time�for our�regular�beauty�segment.

Everyone�has their�own�beauty�routine for�looking�good,

personally,�I�use�cream.

Wait,�what?

Where?

What�kind?�What...

Well,�why�don't�we�ask The�Beaverton's�beauty�expert?

Here's�Amber.

From�your�sizable�tush

to�your�inadvisable�bush, I'm�here�for�you�guys.

Okay!

So,�what�have�you got�for�us,�Amber?

Okay,�bitches, prepare�to�be�flab-agasted.

True�beauty comes�from�the�inside.

Which�is�why�you�need a�super-tight�core.

Yeah,�I�couldn't�agree�more.

I'm�actually�doing�Kegels right�now.

AMBER:�When�you're leaning�in,�ladies,

be�sure�to�flex�those�abs and�your�glutes.

You�want�people nodding�appreciatively at�your�ass

while�you�climb�up and�down�the�corporate�ladder.

Sorry,�Amber,�I,�for�one, feel�that�women

shouldn't�be�going�down the�corporate�ladder.

Well,�they�shouldn't take�the�elevator.

They'll�never�get their�10,000�steps.

Yeah,�Miguel.

Um,�but�what�about�the�parts we�can't�exercise,

like�our�faces?

What�do�we�do to�improve�those?

In�case you�haven't�heard,�Emma,

the�no-makeup�movement is�lit�AF�right�now.

Yes,�and�I�think it�is�so�empowering

that�women�are accepting�themselves

for�their�natural�beauty.

AMBER:�Absolutely!

Unless�you�look�like�trash without�any�makeup�on.

Then�for�God's�sake, put�on�some�makeup!

Like,�more�than you�think�you�need.

Too�much�makeup.

Emma,�you've�nailed�it!

Thank�you.

Um,�so�are�you�saying that�we�shouldn't�follow

the�no-makeup�movement?

I�would�never�advocate not�participating�in�a�trend.

So,�if�you�want the�no-makeup�look, without�the�no-makeup,

you�need�Conceal�Her's new�line�of�cosmetics, ��NoMakeupSelfie.

It's�very�expensive.

And�expensive means�good,�right?

Made�with�sulphates,�gluten, bluefin�tuna�ejaculate and�ejaculin,

it's�this�week's "Amber's�Alert."

Uh,�I'm�curious,�Amber, where�do�they�get�the...

I'm�Amber�saying,

"You�do�you,

"as�long�as�you�do the�you�I�say�you�are."

Thanks,�Amber. I�feel�terrible,

and�that's�how�I�know you've�done�your�job.

After�the�break, don't�think�we've�forgotten

about�the�weird�cream�thing Miguel�mentioned�earlier.

Where�do�you�even�buy�it?

At�the�cream�store.

-Okay. -There's�a�lot of�cream�stores.

The�cream�store?

I�feel�like�I've�been...

Welcome�back.

In�domestic�news, Saskatoon�resident, Shane�Maddingly,

has�admitted�the�popular streaming�service,�Netflix,

knows�him�better than�any�woman ever�has�or�will.

Maddingly,�whose last�relationship,

was�over�three�years�ago,

came�to�the�realization

after�watching every�suggestion

in�the�"Top�Picks for�Wayne"�category,

a�marathon�than�included, A�Most�Wanted�Man,

Diary�of�a�Teenage�Girl, The�Purge:�Anarchy

and�all�98�episodes of��Star�Trek:�Enterprise.

Reached�for�comment, Maddingly�said,

"I�didn't�know that�I�needed�to�watch

"The�Hunger�Games: Mockingjay�Part�2,

"but�Netflix�did,

"just�like�it�knew Stranger�Things�would�help�me confront�my�own�Upside�Down.

"By�the�time�the�credits rolled�on��Dirty�Grandpa,

"I'd�never�felt�happier, or�more�understood."

At��The�Beaverton, we�believe�the�fourth�estate

is�crucial�to�a functioning�democracy.

That's�why�we�care so�much�about�upvotes.

Ugh!

This�week,�the�headline with�the�most�upvotes�is,

"Five�differences�between '30s�kids�and�'90s�kids."

Oh,�boy!

Number�five,

they�had�a�childhood�Dust�Bowl but�we�had��Teenage�Dirtbag.

Number�four,�they�had Portuguese�dictator,�Salazar,

and�we�had�Salazar�Slytherin.

(LAUGHS)

Harry�Potter,�remember?

Yeah,�from The�Chamber�of�Secrets,

I�do�remember,�yes.

Salazar�sold�arms to�the�Nazis.

Number�three,

we�had�the�classic�beef

between�west�coast and�east�coast�hip-hop,

they�had�the�beef between�Stalin

and�the�Ukraine�populace.

Millions�starved.

Read�your�thing.

Come�on,�read�it.

Number�two,�we�watched Michelle�Tanner�grow�up,

they�watched the�Hindenburg�blow�up.

And�number�one,�they�had the�Italian�Fascist�party,

but�there�was�only�one Italian�party�we�cared�about,

it�was��Mario�Party.

Look,�Emma,�about�Beavfeed,

I'm�having�some�serious ethical�questions.

That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight.

He's�Miguel�Rivas and�I'm�Emma�Hunter,

saying�be�safe, but�not�condom-safe.

That's�so...�Oh�my�God!

I'm�fun.

-No,�you're�not�that�fun. -I'm�the�fun�one.

MIGUEL:�When�you�say�it like�that...

EMMA:�I�am.

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

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