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EMMA:�Toronto�design�school OCAD�opens�its�newest�wing...
The�Subway�School of�Sandwich�Arts.
(AUDIENCE�LAUGHING)
MIGUEL:�A�new�study on�Crohn's�disease�shows that�lab�rats
really�hate�getting Crohn's�disease.
(AUDIENCE�LAUGHING)
EMMA:�And�is�the�new�world order�controlling�our�minds
with�subliminal�chemtrails?
(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton, Canada's�most�news-like sponsored�content.
I'm�Miguel "Burger�King"�Rivas.
And�for�Petro-Canada, I'm�Emma�Hunter.
Following�the�United�States lead,�Defense�Minister, Harjit�Sajan,
says�the�Defense�Department
will�invest in�a�Canadian�version
of�the�military�drone�program.
The�drones�will�be�supplied by�Canadian�Tire
for�the�low, low�price�of�$79.99,
and�can�fly�missions of�up�to�eight�minutes
before�needing�to�recharge at�a�USB�port.
This�follows�on�the�heels of�the�Canadian�Government
updating�their�cyber terrorism�division
with�a�procurement of�repurposed�Commodore�64's,
Blackberry�tablets, and�a�cache�of�the�guns from��Duck�Hunt.
Big�news�from�Japan, where�30�years
of�analysis�on�whales
has�finally�yielded important�data
on�how�delicious�whales�are.
Japan�has�circumvented the�commercial�whaling�ban
by�classifying�their�hunt as�research.
Scientists�study how�whale�need�pairs
with�various�sauces in�specialized�labs.
Or�as�the�Japanese call�them,�"Restaurants."
Western�critics�denounced the�Japanese�study as�barbaric.
Saying,�"These�majestic animals�should�not�belong on�plates,"
"but�in�their natural�habitat."
"A�cramped�aquarium performing�stunts"
"for�the�amusement of�tourists."
As�more�details of�the�Trans-Pacific Partnership�come�to�light
the�trade�deal�is�becoming less,�and�less�popular
amongst�young�Canadians.
But�the�Liberals�may�have won�millennials�back
by�re-classifying�the�TPP
as�an�international Bunz�Trading�Zone.
Bunz�is�the�Canadian�based�app that�helps�users�swap�old goods�they�don't�want
for�crap�they�feel�they�need.
The�IMF�predicts this�will�help�the�country
offload�its�leftover�Tallboys
and�T-shirts�from�the�2007 Vans�Warped�Tour
for�a�Vietnamese�bootleg version�of�the�board game��Clue.
Minister�of�International Trade,�Chrystia�Freeland
hailed�this�as�a,�"Victory for�bringing�a�local"
"Canadian�start-up to�the�world�stage."
Even�if�it�was�tacked on�to�a�clause�that
legitimizes�human�trafficking.
Being�a�journalist can�be�a�difficult�job.
I�have�vivid�memories of�getting�burns�on�my�arms
and�neck�during�last�summer's expose�on�"Fun�in�the�Sun".
But�journalists�may�be�facing a�new�challenge.
Our�own�Donavon Stinson�has�more.
(ROCK�MUSIC�PLAYING)
The�Mounties, Canada's�horseback�KGB
have�recently�been�accused of�spying�on�journalists.
I�sat�down�with�RCMP spokesman,�Keith�Hawkins
so�he�could�shove�whatever propagandistic�prepared
statements�he�had down�my�throat.
The�RCMP�has�never�monitored
a�journalist without�a�warrant.
Hmm.�That's�a very�strong�statement. So,�you�really�believe
that�these�journalists are�just�imagining
that�they're under�surveillance?
I'm�not�presuming�to�know what�journalists�think.
I'm�just�saying�that�maybe you�get�together�at Sweaty�Betty's,
and�you�talk and�you�convince�each�other of�things�that�aren't�real.
-Sweaty�Betty's? -Mmm.
That's�where�I�got�black-out drunk�last�night.
Oh.�Interesting. Anyway,�I'm�just�saying�maybe you're�imagining�things
after�you've�had�one�too�many room�temperature�bourbons.
Okay.�How�did�you�know�what I�was�drinking?
-It's�just�a�strong�guess. -Hey,�were�you�watching�me last�night?
Whoa,�that�is�a wild�accusation.
Perhaps�you�should�spend a�little�bit�more�time doing�your�job.
And�maybe�a�little�bit less�time�getting�rejected
by�six�consecutive�women.
Okay,�you�know, there's�absolutely�no�way that�you�would�know�that
unless�you�are�watching�me. In�which�case�you�would�know that�I�wheeled�the�seventh.
First�of�all,�those�still aren't�great�numbers.
And�I'm�just�saying�what�you might�have�done.
Like�maybe�you�went�ax throwing�on�Saturday.
And�maybe�you're�reading Infinite�Jest�just for�the�third�time.
-I�am�reading��Infinite�Jest for�the�third�time. -Everybody�is.
Okay,�are�you�gonna�sit�here and�claim�that�you�just guessed�all�of�those�things?
I'm�an�intuitive�man. I've�seen�a�lot�in�my�life.
I�have�not�however�seen one�man�cry�that�much during�sex.
Okay,�you�know�what... All�right...
I'm...�I'm�formally�accusing the�RCMP�of�spying�on�me
to�learn�confidential information�about�my�sources. Do�you�deny�this,�sir?
I�do.
Then�how�is�it�that you�know�every�single detail�of�my�life?
Because�I�follow�you on�Instagram.
-Oh,�fuck. -Yeah.
You�shouldn't�post things�that�private on�Instagram.
Who�takes�a�selfie�during�sex?
Good�point.�Yeah.
So,�the�First�Nations protesters�then
that�accuse�you�of spying�on�them?
They�were�on�Instagram as�well?
Uh...�Yeah.
All�right.
There�is�a�bit�of�a... Bit�of�a�pause�there.
(STAMMERING)�Yeah.�Yeah.
Okay.
Now�listen. Can�I�expect�you�to�follow�me back�any�time�soon?
Trying�to�kind�of�boost my�social�media�pres,
if�you�know�what�I�mean.
You�want�me�to�follow�you back�on�Instagram?
It's�departmentally�mandate. We...
You�know,�I�just... Thank�you�very�much, Mr.�Hawkins.
Thank�you�for�your�time.
Yeah,�yeah,�yeah,�yeah.
Thanks�for�the grim�warning,�Donavon.
May�I�just�say�you�have the�most�sensual LinkedIn�profile.
Turning�to�science and�technology,
SpaceX�founder,�Elon�Musk has�unveiled�his latest�venture.
A�large,�ominous�box�that prominently�features a�digital�clock
that�is�steadily counting�down.
Musk�has�refused�to�reveal what,�if�anything,
the�clock�is�counting�down�to,
saying�only�that�it�would�blow everyone�away.
Those�who�have�seen�the�box in�person�say�it�emits
a�low�humming�sound they�describe as�beautifully�designed
and�deeply�foreboding.
As�part�of�the�launch, Musk�also�unveiled
plans�for�a�self-sustaining habitat�to�be�built
several�miles�below�the Earth's�surface
that�could�support�up�to 7,000�pre-selected�people
for�quote, "The�necessary�time�frame."
After�the�break, we�talk�to�the�woman
who�is�building an�African�lion�safari
in�her�downtown Surrey�condominium.
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
(CHATTERING�INDISTINCTLY)
WOMAN:��You've�all seen�the�images. You�all�know�what's�at�stake.
Imagine�kids�with�no�food, no�education,
and�no�access to�clean�drinking�water
having�their�pictures�taken
by�the�world's�most expensive�photographers.
For�less�than�the�daily�price of�a�cup�of�coffee,
you�can�help�acclaimed artist's�fly�first�class
to�the�world's poorest�villages
where�they'll�capture the�precariousness�of�human life�as�only�they�can.
Using�equipment�that costs�enough�to�feed
the�entire�African continent�for�a�year.
Best�of�all,�we'll�send those�pictures�to�you.
Breathtaking,�high�resolution photos�of�the�world's�sickest
and�hungriest�children.
People�are�going�to�see those�photos�and�think you're�a�good�person.
No,�a�great�person.
And�really�that's what�this�is�all�about.
Food�prices�in�the�Yukon, Northwest�Territories�and Nunavut�are�astronomical.
But�store�owners may�have�found�a�solution.
Changing�the�name�of�every grocery�store�to�Whole�Foods.
Northern�grocers�want to�ensure�people�feel
they're�getting their�money's�worth.
So,�if�they're�going�to�pay $8.50�for�a�carton�of�milk,
they�might�as�well�think�it comes�from�grass�fed�cows
who�have�been�milked by�maidens�wearing organic�satin�gloves.
The�government�is�hopeful that�if�Northern�residents�buy groceries�the�same�way
pretentious�Toronto yuppies�do,
they'll�start�to�develop the�same�indifference
to�Northern�affairs as�their�kale�chip loving�counterparts.
Toronto�Community�Housing, the�organization
that�subsidizes�homes for�low�income�residents
has�come�under�fire�lately.
With�more, we�go�to��The�Beaverton's Laura�Cilevitz.
LAURA:��In�a�report�last�May, Toronto�Community�Housing was�found�in�violation
of�454�by-laws,
earning�it�the�title of�"The�City's Worst�Slum�Lord."
Ahead�of�ten time�winner,�Roberto.
But�in�true�Toronto�fashion, some�City�Hall�staffers
are�worried�how this�will�affect�the�city's international�reputation.
It's�completely�unacceptable.
New�York�would�have�five�times that�many�violations.
Oh,�yeah.
LAURA:��Steve�Garrett is�a�spokesman for�Toronto�City�Council.
He�says�that�if�Toronto is�serious�about�being a�world-class�city,
it�must�provide low�income�residents
with�world-class�slums.
A�few�months�ago, a�woman�who�lives�in�one of�our�tenement�buildings,
told�me�that�she�had�been scalded�while�taking�a�shower.
All�we�could�think�was, "How�could�this�happen?"
She�shouldn't�have�hot�water.
LAURA:��Toronto's�Community Housing�task�force
visited�the�world's�most authentic�slums.
From�Mumbai�to�Rio,
to�the�economy�section on�Via�Rail.
The�conditions�on Via�Rail�are...
Upsetting.
Exactly.
And�that's�the�kind of�disregard�for�humanity
that�we�need�to�bring�to our�housing�projects
if�we're�ever�gonna�rival the�mega�slums�of�Mexico�City.
LAURA:��Steve�created�a�joint pilot�program�with�the�city's over�run�animal�shelters
to�brand�Toronto housing�projects�with�the signature,�"Wet�dog�smell."
Well,�you�must�have�known something�was�working once�the�hipsters�moved�out.
Oh.�Thank�you.
I�mean�effective�poverty is�their�siren's�call,�but...
They�hate�genuine�squalor
even�more�than�coffee�shops that�call�a�flat�white a�"cortado".
LAURA:��Emboldened�by early�returns,
the�city�gave�Steve the�green�light
to�turn�his�latest redeveloped�housing�project
into�the post-apocalyptic�hellscape Toronto�deserves.
How�long�until�you�know if�this�project�worked?
You�tell�me.
See�that?
World-class.
Uh-oh.
LAURA:��For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.
ISIS,�like�the�sultry Egyptian�fertility�goddess
from�which�it�takes�its�name,
the�Islamic�state�of�Iraq and�Syria�seems�to�be sliding�into�oblivion.
To�explain�why, we're�joined�live�via satellite�by�Marilla�Wex.
Thanks�Miguel. I'm�here�in�Iraq,
where,�thanks�to Western�intervention,
ISIS�has�lost�considerable territory�over�the�last two�years.
How�did�this�happen?
Things�underwent�a�major�shift
after�the�Charlie�Hebdo shooting�of�January,�2015.
Millions�of�people�in New�York,�Toronto and�Vancouver
changed�their�Facebook cover�photos
to�the�words, "Je�suis�Charlie."
And�within�a�matter�of�weeks the�ISIS�stronghold�of�Tikrit had�fallen.
Sorry.�Wasn't�Tikrit taken�by�Iraqi�security�forces and�tribal�allies?
Well,�almost immediately�afterwards,
ISIS�lost�their�stranglehold on�the�Euphrates�river
when�a�Change.org�petition
to�capture�the�settlement of�Al�Baghdadi
reached�100,000�signatures.
But�Shiite�militias�were the�ones�who�actually captured�the�settlement.
(SIGHS)�Technically, they�fought�for�and�took the�settlement.
But�the�emotional�effect of�the�Twitter backlash�against�ISIS
broke�their�morale�long�before the�Shiites�even�showed�up.
There's�been�an�extensive bombing�campaign as�well�though,�right?
That's�true. But�would�we�have�known
where�to�bomb�if�ISIS hadn't�been�doxxed by�Anonymous?
The�fact�is,�the�number of�people�sharing
ISIS�articles�and�leaving sad�emoticons on�those�articles
is�simply�overwhelming the�Caliphate.
Wow! It�sounds�like�the�coalition is�really�working.
-I�don't�really�think... -Thanks�Marilla.
No,�Emma.�Thank�you.
Thank�all�of�you.
Marilla�will�join�us�next�week from�Nigeria,
where�she�will�tell�us�how you�can�help�defeat�Boko-Haram
by�unfollowing their�Snapchat�story.
(AUDIENCE�LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
Welcome�back. With�student�debt�at an�all-time�high,
many�high�schoolers applying�to�university are�wondering,
"Is�there a�cheaper�alternative
"to�binge�drinking�and�casual underwhelming�sex?"
Joining�us�to�discuss the�future�of�higher�learning
are�Carlton�Ladry,
EMMA:�Philosophy�professor at�McMaster�University,
EMMA:�Chad�Banks, university�dropout and�co-founder
of�the�popular�erection detection�app,�"Dong�Ding."
Waddup?
EMMA:�And�Molly�McBradden, a�grade�12�student
trying�to�figure�out her�next�move.
Our�first�question, is�a�university�education
worth�the�debt�one�would incur�to�get�it?
Well,�the�value�of�education is�the�education�itself.
You�just�can't�put a�price�on�it.
Well,�I�can. I�mean�you�take�into�account
tuition,�textbooks, the�cost�of�housing,
the�Bob�Marley�poster my�school's�going�to force�me�to�buy.
I�mean,�it's�gonna�cost�me over�$100,000�for�my undergrad�degree.
Now,�Chad,�you�took a�very�different�path.
What�would�you�say to�Molly's�concerns?
Listen,�you�don't�need�school.
You�should�take�that�money and�make�something�with�it.
Like�what?
Well,�that's�what you�need�to�find�out.
All�it�takes�is�one�good�idea.
And�my�old�roommate�Kyle had�one.
So,�I�asked�my�parents for�few�G's,
flipped�it�over�to�nerdlinger for�his�wiener�app.
Now�I�drive�a�Bugati.
Chad�raises an�interesting�point.
Does�formal�education prepare�you�for�today's evolving�job�market?
The�purpose�of�the�university
is�not�to�train�you�for�a�job.
It's�to�teach�you�to�think.
Well,�I�think�you're�full of�shit.
I�didn't�need�to�go to�university to�figure�that�out.
Listen,�you�don't�need book-smarts�to�make your�way�in�life.
All�you�need�is�a�couple of�nugs,�a�brilliant�roommate
and�the�loose�morals to�take�credit�for�his�idea.
But�what�do�you�actually�do?
(SCOFFS)�Anything�I�want.
This�morning,�my�breakfast, Cinnamon�Toast�Crunch
and�a�couple�of�bong�hits.
How�does�that�sound?
Pretty�depressing,�Chad.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Well,�I�don't�know.
Maybe�I�should�just�take a�year�off�and�go�to�Europe.
(SNORTS)�Europe.
What�could�you�possibly�learn on�the�continent
that�you�couldn't�learn�from a�faculty�wine�and�cheese?
Man,�Fuzzy�over�here, he's�just�worried
that�if�students�stop�going to�his�conformity�factory
the�entire�education industrial�complex will�collapse
and�he'll�lose�his�job.
No.�I�don't�have�to�worry about�that.
I�have�tenure.
So,�is�academia�a�viable career�choice�for�someone like�Molly?
No.�No.
(CHUCKLES)
Those�jobs, I'm�afraid,�are�taken.
You�hear�me?�They're�taken.
Look,�I�just�want�to�be�able to�get�a�good�education
without�the�massive�debt,
and�find�a�job�that�I�enjoy that�allows�me�to�lead
a�happy�and�productive�life.
Is�that�too�much�to�ask?
Yes.
That�sounds a�titch�unrealistic.
Well,�that's�all the�time�we�have.
Join�us�next�week�when our�panel�will�debate,
"Should�university�accept tuition�payments�in�Bitcoin?"
Also,�"What�is�Bitcoin?"
Ontario�Liberals�caused an�uproar�last�year by�capping�doctor's�fees.
Hit�hardest�by�these�caps are�Ontario's rural�practitioners,
who�are�still on�the�barter�system.
Many�of�these�doctor's have�served�their�communities for�decades,
trading�vital�procedures for�painted�chicken�coops,
hand�crafted�horse�saddles, and�Spring�hams.
But�now�because of�these�restrictions, many�rural�doctors
are�worried�about their�earning�potential
for�other�folksy�doo-dads.
According�to Doctor�Trip�Montgomery of�Napanee,
"How�am�I�supposed to�get�through�the�winter, if�alls�I�get
"for�an�angioplasty is�six�dozen�eggs and�a�hand-woven�blanket?
"I've�got�barns�to�raise and�livestock�mouths�to�feed.
"It's�almost�like�the�Liberals want�me�to�move�to�Flin�Flon."
Babies,�for�years�they�were the�only�way�to�ensure
that�there�would�be�someone to�avenge�your�death.
But�unfortunately�for�those of�us�with�blood�grudges
birth�rates are�on�the�decline.
Why?�Our�own Aisha�Alfa�investigates.
AISHA:��People�in�the�Western world�are�having fewer�children.
One�new�study�may�explain�why?
I�met�with Doctor�Nicholas�Channing and�his�wife
in�their�Edmonton�home.
He�thinks�he�may�have discovered�the�most important�factor
for�our�declining�birth�rates.
It's�the�golden�age of�television.
And�as�TV�gets�better, people�like�you�and�your�wife have�less�time�for�sex.
Exactly.
AISHA:��Doctor�Channing's�study shows�people�had�more�kids in�the�50's�and�60's.
Because�there�was�nothing riveting�to�do.
But�now�you�can�get�caught�up on�something�called�Bloodline.
Is��Bloodline�good? Should�I�get�into��Bloodline?
Some�people�say�it's�good, but�I�heard�maybe�it's not�worth�it.
I�don't�know. I�don't�really�watch�TV.
I�get�invited�to�a�lot of�parties.
Doctor�Channing's�research also�suggest�that�social pressures�have�changed.
Where�once�a�young�married woman�was�expected�to�have kids�immediately,
now�she�is�supposed to�be�caught�up
on�the�most�recent�season of��Game�of�Thrones.
I�mean�it�makes�sense when�you�think�about�it.
When�was�the�last�time someone�described your�sex�life�as�compelling?
Real�life�people just�aren't�good�at�sex.
But�you�know�who�is? The�beautiful�god people�of�TV.
While�the�proliferation of�roles�for�beautiful god�people
seems�to�have�no�end�in�sight,
it�looks�like�our�Western birth�rates�will�continue
to�fall�until�they�bring back��The�King�of�Queens.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.
Promstitution.
I�just�made�that�term�up. But�should�we�be�concerned?
Find�out�after�the�break.
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
Welcome�back!
EMMA:�Should�businesses�be run�more�like�the�government?
Meet�the�consultant who�wants�corporations to�torture�their�enemies.
(AUDIENCE�LAUGHS)
MIGUEL:�Barb�Putney�of�Calgary broke�two�of�her�New�Year's resolutions�today,
when�a�truck�delivering�fudge crashed�into�her�gym.
EMMA:�And�an�asteroid�killed the�dinosaurs.
But�could�an�even�bigger asteroid�bring�them�back?
(AUDIENCE�LAUGHS)
The�nation's�toddlers are�hopeful.
Thanks�to�Kathleen Wynne's�Liberals,
beer�is�now�available in�select�grocery�stores throughout�Ontario.
But�the�provinces largest�beer�retailer,
The�Beer�Store, is�fighting�back by�selling�groceries.
The�Beer�Store�will�be�your one-stop-shop�for�all�products of�dubious�quality,
like�wilted�lettuce,�day�old bagels,�and�dumpster grade�sushi.
All�this�at�prices only�a�foreign�owned monopoly�can�offer.
Plus�their�return�policy is�excellent.
This�summer,�a�terrible dog�attack�in�Montreal
lead�to�renewed�calls for�a�ban�on�pit�bulls.
This�brings�us to�the�subject�of�tonight's "Point�/�Counter�Point,"
a�measured�discussion of�whether�we�should�outlaw
this�monstrous�breed of�super�killers.
All�right,�Miguel,�go�ahead
and�justify�your�love of�these�furry�murderers.
Okay.�Well,�look�at�Calgary. Okay,�they�moved�away
from�banning�breeds�to�focus on�owner�responsibility.
Yeah.�Calgary.�That's�where you�want�to�set�the�bar.
It's�basically��Fury�Road but�with�more�cows.
Which�internet�are�you�using?
Look,�owner�responsibility is�great�on�paper.
But�how�has�it�worked�out in�the�real�world?
Great,�actually. It's�led�to�a�precipitous drop�in�dog�bites.
That�is�exactly�what they�want�you�to�think.
Who,�Calgarians?
No.�Pit�bulls,�Miguel.�Jesus.
You�think�pit�bulls�are�trying to�lull�us�into�some false�sense�of�security?
Really?
Pit�bulls�are�known for�their�subterfuge,�Miguel.
Okay,�that�is�why�they�are so�lethal.
It's�all�licks,�and�tail�wags,
and�the�second you�turn�your�back, they�slit�your�throat.
Emma,�if�we�were to�somehow�ban one�breed�of�dog,
reckless�owners�would�just make�the�same�mistakes
with�other�breeds and�we'd�be�having this�debate�all�over�again.
Yeah,�right. No�one�is�going�to�tell�me I�can't�keep�my�property�safe
without�the�watchful�eye of�my�power�Pomeranians.
You�are�exactly the�type�of�problem�owner
that�I'm�talking�about.
No.�I�am�just�trying to�defend�myself
from�devious�pit�bull killing�machines,�Miguel.
And�the�only�way�to�do�that is�by�weaponizing�other�dogs.
Okay,�what�happens�when�that dog�becomes�the�problem?
I�don't�know,�you�just weaponize�another�breed.
And�then�what�happens when�that�breed�becomes the�problem?
We'll�just�let the�bureaucrats�sort�it�out.
Okay,�Miguel. When�have�they�ever�failed�us?
We're�out�of�time.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�Emma�Hunter. We'll�see�you�tomorrow, when�tomorrow�is�today.
Oh,�how�clever.
Yeah.
(CHATTING�INDISTINCTLY)
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