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Original subtitles

EMMA:�Toronto�design�school OCAD�opens�its�newest�wing...

The�Subway�School of�Sandwich�Arts.

(AUDIENCE�LAUGHING)

MIGUEL:�A�new�study on�Crohn's�disease�shows that�lab�rats

really�hate�getting Crohn's�disease.

(AUDIENCE�LAUGHING)

EMMA:�And�is�the�new�world order�controlling�our�minds

with�subliminal�chemtrails?

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton, Canada's�most�news-like sponsored�content.

I'm�Miguel "Burger�King"�Rivas.

And�for�Petro-Canada, I'm�Emma�Hunter.

Following�the�United�States lead,�Defense�Minister, Harjit�Sajan,

says�the�Defense�Department

will�invest in�a�Canadian�version

of�the�military�drone�program.

The�drones�will�be�supplied by�Canadian�Tire

for�the�low, low�price�of�$79.99,

and�can�fly�missions of�up�to�eight�minutes

before�needing�to�recharge at�a�USB�port.

This�follows�on�the�heels of�the�Canadian�Government

updating�their�cyber terrorism�division

with�a�procurement of�repurposed�Commodore�64's,

Blackberry�tablets, and�a�cache�of�the�guns from��Duck�Hunt.

Big�news�from�Japan, where�30�years

of�analysis�on�whales

has�finally�yielded important�data

on�how�delicious�whales�are.

Japan�has�circumvented the�commercial�whaling�ban

by�classifying�their�hunt as�research.

Scientists�study how�whale�need�pairs

with�various�sauces in�specialized�labs.

Or�as�the�Japanese call�them,�"Restaurants."

Western�critics�denounced the�Japanese�study as�barbaric.

Saying,�"These�majestic animals�should�not�belong on�plates,"

"but�in�their natural�habitat."

"A�cramped�aquarium performing�stunts"

"for�the�amusement of�tourists."

As�more�details of�the�Trans-Pacific Partnership�come�to�light

the�trade�deal�is�becoming less,�and�less�popular

amongst�young�Canadians.

But�the�Liberals�may�have won�millennials�back

by�re-classifying�the�TPP

as�an�international Bunz�Trading�Zone.

Bunz�is�the�Canadian�based�app that�helps�users�swap�old goods�they�don't�want

for�crap�they�feel�they�need.

The�IMF�predicts this�will�help�the�country

offload�its�leftover�Tallboys

and�T-shirts�from�the�2007 Vans�Warped�Tour

for�a�Vietnamese�bootleg version�of�the�board game��Clue.

Minister�of�International Trade,�Chrystia�Freeland

hailed�this�as�a,�"Victory for�bringing�a�local"

"Canadian�start-up to�the�world�stage."

Even�if�it�was�tacked on�to�a�clause�that

legitimizes�human�trafficking.

Being�a�journalist can�be�a�difficult�job.

I�have�vivid�memories of�getting�burns�on�my�arms

and�neck�during�last�summer's expose�on�"Fun�in�the�Sun".

But�journalists�may�be�facing a�new�challenge.

Our�own�Donavon Stinson�has�more.

(ROCK�MUSIC�PLAYING)

The�Mounties, Canada's�horseback�KGB

have�recently�been�accused of�spying�on�journalists.

I�sat�down�with�RCMP spokesman,�Keith�Hawkins

so�he�could�shove�whatever propagandistic�prepared

statements�he�had down�my�throat.

The�RCMP�has�never�monitored

a�journalist without�a�warrant.

Hmm.�That's�a very�strong�statement. So,�you�really�believe

that�these�journalists are�just�imagining

that�they're under�surveillance?

I'm�not�presuming�to�know what�journalists�think.

I'm�just�saying�that�maybe you�get�together�at Sweaty�Betty's,

and�you�talk and�you�convince�each�other of�things�that�aren't�real.

-Sweaty�Betty's? -Mmm.

That's�where�I�got�black-out drunk�last�night.

Oh.�Interesting. Anyway,�I'm�just�saying�maybe you're�imagining�things

after�you've�had�one�too�many room�temperature�bourbons.

Okay.�How�did�you�know�what I�was�drinking?

-It's�just�a�strong�guess. -Hey,�were�you�watching�me last�night?

Whoa,�that�is�a wild�accusation.

Perhaps�you�should�spend a�little�bit�more�time doing�your�job.

And�maybe�a�little�bit less�time�getting�rejected

by�six�consecutive�women.

Okay,�you�know, there's�absolutely�no�way that�you�would�know�that

unless�you�are�watching�me. In�which�case�you�would�know that�I�wheeled�the�seventh.

First�of�all,�those�still aren't�great�numbers.

And�I'm�just�saying�what�you might�have�done.

Like�maybe�you�went�ax throwing�on�Saturday.

And�maybe�you're�reading Infinite�Jest�just for�the�third�time.

-I�am�reading��Infinite�Jest for�the�third�time. -Everybody�is.

Okay,�are�you�gonna�sit�here and�claim�that�you�just guessed�all�of�those�things?

I'm�an�intuitive�man. I've�seen�a�lot�in�my�life.

I�have�not�however�seen one�man�cry�that�much during�sex.

Okay,�you�know�what... All�right...

I'm...�I'm�formally�accusing the�RCMP�of�spying�on�me

to�learn�confidential information�about�my�sources. Do�you�deny�this,�sir?

I�do.

Then�how�is�it�that you�know�every�single detail�of�my�life?

Because�I�follow�you on�Instagram.

-Oh,�fuck. -Yeah.

You�shouldn't�post things�that�private on�Instagram.

Who�takes�a�selfie�during�sex?

Good�point.�Yeah.

So,�the�First�Nations protesters�then

that�accuse�you�of spying�on�them?

They�were�on�Instagram as�well?

Uh...�Yeah.

All�right.

There�is�a�bit�of�a... Bit�of�a�pause�there.

(STAMMERING)�Yeah.�Yeah.

Okay.

Now�listen. Can�I�expect�you�to�follow�me back�any�time�soon?

Trying�to�kind�of�boost my�social�media�pres,

if�you�know�what�I�mean.

You�want�me�to�follow�you back�on�Instagram?

It's�departmentally�mandate. We...

You�know,�I�just... Thank�you�very�much, Mr.�Hawkins.

Thank�you�for�your�time.

Yeah,�yeah,�yeah,�yeah.

Thanks�for�the grim�warning,�Donavon.

May�I�just�say�you�have the�most�sensual LinkedIn�profile.

Turning�to�science and�technology,

SpaceX�founder,�Elon�Musk has�unveiled�his latest�venture.

A�large,�ominous�box�that prominently�features a�digital�clock

that�is�steadily counting�down.

Musk�has�refused�to�reveal what,�if�anything,

the�clock�is�counting�down�to,

saying�only�that�it�would�blow everyone�away.

Those�who�have�seen�the�box in�person�say�it�emits

a�low�humming�sound they�describe as�beautifully�designed

and�deeply�foreboding.

As�part�of�the�launch, Musk�also�unveiled

plans�for�a�self-sustaining habitat�to�be�built

several�miles�below�the Earth's�surface

that�could�support�up�to 7,000�pre-selected�people

for�quote, "The�necessary�time�frame."

After�the�break, we�talk�to�the�woman

who�is�building an�African�lion�safari

in�her�downtown Surrey�condominium.

(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)

(CHATTERING�INDISTINCTLY)

WOMAN:��You've�all seen�the�images. You�all�know�what's�at�stake.

Imagine�kids�with�no�food, no�education,

and�no�access to�clean�drinking�water

having�their�pictures�taken

by�the�world's�most expensive�photographers.

For�less�than�the�daily�price of�a�cup�of�coffee,

you�can�help�acclaimed artist's�fly�first�class

to�the�world's poorest�villages

where�they'll�capture the�precariousness�of�human life�as�only�they�can.

Using�equipment�that costs�enough�to�feed

the�entire�African continent�for�a�year.

Best�of�all,�we'll�send those�pictures�to�you.

Breathtaking,�high�resolution photos�of�the�world's�sickest

and�hungriest�children.

People�are�going�to�see those�photos�and�think you're�a�good�person.

No,�a�great�person.

And�really�that's what�this�is�all�about.

Food�prices�in�the�Yukon, Northwest�Territories�and Nunavut�are�astronomical.

But�store�owners may�have�found�a�solution.

Changing�the�name�of�every grocery�store�to�Whole�Foods.

Northern�grocers�want to�ensure�people�feel

they're�getting their�money's�worth.

So,�if�they're�going�to�pay $8.50�for�a�carton�of�milk,

they�might�as�well�think�it comes�from�grass�fed�cows

who�have�been�milked by�maidens�wearing organic�satin�gloves.

The�government�is�hopeful that�if�Northern�residents�buy groceries�the�same�way

pretentious�Toronto yuppies�do,

they'll�start�to�develop the�same�indifference

to�Northern�affairs as�their�kale�chip loving�counterparts.

Toronto�Community�Housing, the�organization

that�subsidizes�homes for�low�income�residents

has�come�under�fire�lately.

With�more, we�go�to��The�Beaverton's Laura�Cilevitz.

LAURA:��In�a�report�last�May, Toronto�Community�Housing was�found�in�violation

of�454�by-laws,

earning�it�the�title of�"The�City's Worst�Slum�Lord."

Ahead�of�ten time�winner,�Roberto.

But�in�true�Toronto�fashion, some�City�Hall�staffers

are�worried�how this�will�affect�the�city's international�reputation.

It's�completely�unacceptable.

New�York�would�have�five�times that�many�violations.

Oh,�yeah.

LAURA:��Steve�Garrett is�a�spokesman for�Toronto�City�Council.

He�says�that�if�Toronto is�serious�about�being a�world-class�city,

it�must�provide low�income�residents

with�world-class�slums.

A�few�months�ago, a�woman�who�lives�in�one of�our�tenement�buildings,

told�me�that�she�had�been scalded�while�taking�a�shower.

All�we�could�think�was, "How�could�this�happen?"

She�shouldn't�have�hot�water.

LAURA:��Toronto's�Community Housing�task�force

visited�the�world's�most authentic�slums.

From�Mumbai�to�Rio,

to�the�economy�section on�Via�Rail.

The�conditions�on Via�Rail�are...

Upsetting.

Exactly.

And�that's�the�kind of�disregard�for�humanity

that�we�need�to�bring�to our�housing�projects

if�we're�ever�gonna�rival the�mega�slums�of�Mexico�City.

LAURA:��Steve�created�a�joint pilot�program�with�the�city's over�run�animal�shelters

to�brand�Toronto housing�projects�with�the signature,�"Wet�dog�smell."

Well,�you�must�have�known something�was�working once�the�hipsters�moved�out.

Oh.�Thank�you.

I�mean�effective�poverty is�their�siren's�call,�but...

They�hate�genuine�squalor

even�more�than�coffee�shops that�call�a�flat�white a�"cortado".

LAURA:��Emboldened�by early�returns,

the�city�gave�Steve the�green�light

to�turn�his�latest redeveloped�housing�project

into�the post-apocalyptic�hellscape Toronto�deserves.

How�long�until�you�know if�this�project�worked?

You�tell�me.

See�that?

World-class.

Uh-oh.

LAURA:��For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.

ISIS,�like�the�sultry Egyptian�fertility�goddess

from�which�it�takes�its�name,

the�Islamic�state�of�Iraq and�Syria�seems�to�be sliding�into�oblivion.

To�explain�why, we're�joined�live�via satellite�by�Marilla�Wex.

Thanks�Miguel. I'm�here�in�Iraq,

where,�thanks�to Western�intervention,

ISIS�has�lost�considerable territory�over�the�last two�years.

How�did�this�happen?

Things�underwent�a�major�shift

after�the�Charlie�Hebdo shooting�of�January,�2015.

Millions�of�people�in New�York,�Toronto and�Vancouver

changed�their�Facebook cover�photos

to�the�words, "Je�suis�Charlie."

And�within�a�matter�of�weeks the�ISIS�stronghold�of�Tikrit had�fallen.

Sorry.�Wasn't�Tikrit taken�by�Iraqi�security�forces and�tribal�allies?

Well,�almost immediately�afterwards,

ISIS�lost�their�stranglehold on�the�Euphrates�river

when�a�Change.org�petition

to�capture�the�settlement of�Al�Baghdadi

reached�100,000�signatures.

But�Shiite�militias�were the�ones�who�actually captured�the�settlement.

(SIGHS)�Technically, they�fought�for�and�took the�settlement.

But�the�emotional�effect of�the�Twitter backlash�against�ISIS

broke�their�morale�long�before the�Shiites�even�showed�up.

There's�been�an�extensive bombing�campaign as�well�though,�right?

That's�true. But�would�we�have�known

where�to�bomb�if�ISIS hadn't�been�doxxed by�Anonymous?

The�fact�is,�the�number of�people�sharing

ISIS�articles�and�leaving sad�emoticons on�those�articles

is�simply�overwhelming the�Caliphate.

Wow! It�sounds�like�the�coalition is�really�working.

-I�don't�really�think... -Thanks�Marilla.

No,�Emma.�Thank�you.

Thank�all�of�you.

Marilla�will�join�us�next�week from�Nigeria,

where�she�will�tell�us�how you�can�help�defeat�Boko-Haram

by�unfollowing their�Snapchat�story.

(AUDIENCE�LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)

Welcome�back. With�student�debt�at an�all-time�high,

many�high�schoolers applying�to�university are�wondering,

"Is�there a�cheaper�alternative

"to�binge�drinking�and�casual underwhelming�sex?"

Joining�us�to�discuss the�future�of�higher�learning

are�Carlton�Ladry,

EMMA:�Philosophy�professor at�McMaster�University,

EMMA:�Chad�Banks, university�dropout and�co-founder

of�the�popular�erection detection�app,�"Dong�Ding."

Waddup?

EMMA:�And�Molly�McBradden, a�grade�12�student

trying�to�figure�out her�next�move.

Our�first�question, is�a�university�education

worth�the�debt�one�would incur�to�get�it?

Well,�the�value�of�education is�the�education�itself.

You�just�can't�put a�price�on�it.

Well,�I�can. I�mean�you�take�into�account

tuition,�textbooks, the�cost�of�housing,

the�Bob�Marley�poster my�school's�going�to force�me�to�buy.

I�mean,�it's�gonna�cost�me over�$100,000�for�my undergrad�degree.

Now,�Chad,�you�took a�very�different�path.

What�would�you�say to�Molly's�concerns?

Listen,�you�don't�need�school.

You�should�take�that�money and�make�something�with�it.

Like�what?

Well,�that's�what you�need�to�find�out.

All�it�takes�is�one�good�idea.

And�my�old�roommate�Kyle had�one.

So,�I�asked�my�parents for�few�G's,

flipped�it�over�to�nerdlinger for�his�wiener�app.

Now�I�drive�a�Bugati.

Chad�raises an�interesting�point.

Does�formal�education prepare�you�for�today's evolving�job�market?

The�purpose�of�the�university

is�not�to�train�you�for�a�job.

It's�to�teach�you�to�think.

Well,�I�think�you're�full of�shit.

I�didn't�need�to�go to�university to�figure�that�out.

Listen,�you�don't�need book-smarts�to�make your�way�in�life.

All�you�need�is�a�couple of�nugs,�a�brilliant�roommate

and�the�loose�morals to�take�credit�for�his�idea.

But�what�do�you�actually�do?

(SCOFFS)�Anything�I�want.

This�morning,�my�breakfast, Cinnamon�Toast�Crunch

and�a�couple�of�bong�hits.

How�does�that�sound?

Pretty�depressing,�Chad.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Well,�I�don't�know.

Maybe�I�should�just�take a�year�off�and�go�to�Europe.

(SNORTS)�Europe.

What�could�you�possibly�learn on�the�continent

that�you�couldn't�learn�from a�faculty�wine�and�cheese?

Man,�Fuzzy�over�here, he's�just�worried

that�if�students�stop�going to�his�conformity�factory

the�entire�education industrial�complex will�collapse

and�he'll�lose�his�job.

No.�I�don't�have�to�worry about�that.

I�have�tenure.

So,�is�academia�a�viable career�choice�for�someone like�Molly?

No.�No.

(CHUCKLES)

Those�jobs, I'm�afraid,�are�taken.

You�hear�me?�They're�taken.

Look,�I�just�want�to�be�able to�get�a�good�education

without�the�massive�debt,

and�find�a�job�that�I�enjoy that�allows�me�to�lead

a�happy�and�productive�life.

Is�that�too�much�to�ask?

Yes.

That�sounds a�titch�unrealistic.

Well,�that's�all the�time�we�have.

Join�us�next�week�when our�panel�will�debate,

"Should�university�accept tuition�payments�in�Bitcoin?"

Also,�"What�is�Bitcoin?"

Ontario�Liberals�caused an�uproar�last�year by�capping�doctor's�fees.

Hit�hardest�by�these�caps are�Ontario's rural�practitioners,

who�are�still on�the�barter�system.

Many�of�these�doctor's have�served�their�communities for�decades,

trading�vital�procedures for�painted�chicken�coops,

hand�crafted�horse�saddles, and�Spring�hams.

But�now�because of�these�restrictions, many�rural�doctors

are�worried�about their�earning�potential

for�other�folksy�doo-dads.

According�to Doctor�Trip�Montgomery of�Napanee,

"How�am�I�supposed to�get�through�the�winter, if�alls�I�get

"for�an�angioplasty is�six�dozen�eggs and�a�hand-woven�blanket?

"I've�got�barns�to�raise and�livestock�mouths�to�feed.

"It's�almost�like�the�Liberals want�me�to�move�to�Flin�Flon."

Babies,�for�years�they�were the�only�way�to�ensure

that�there�would�be�someone to�avenge�your�death.

But�unfortunately�for�those of�us�with�blood�grudges

birth�rates are�on�the�decline.

Why?�Our�own Aisha�Alfa�investigates.

AISHA:��People�in�the�Western world�are�having fewer�children.

One�new�study�may�explain�why?

I�met�with Doctor�Nicholas�Channing and�his�wife

in�their�Edmonton�home.

He�thinks�he�may�have discovered�the�most important�factor

for�our�declining�birth�rates.

It's�the�golden�age of�television.

And�as�TV�gets�better, people�like�you�and�your�wife have�less�time�for�sex.

Exactly.

AISHA:��Doctor�Channing's�study shows�people�had�more�kids in�the�50's�and�60's.

Because�there�was�nothing riveting�to�do.

But�now�you�can�get�caught�up on�something�called�Bloodline.

Is��Bloodline�good? Should�I�get�into��Bloodline?

Some�people�say�it's�good, but�I�heard�maybe�it's not�worth�it.

I�don't�know. I�don't�really�watch�TV.

I�get�invited�to�a�lot of�parties.

Doctor�Channing's�research also�suggest�that�social pressures�have�changed.

Where�once�a�young�married woman�was�expected�to�have kids�immediately,

now�she�is�supposed to�be�caught�up

on�the�most�recent�season of��Game�of�Thrones.

I�mean�it�makes�sense when�you�think�about�it.

When�was�the�last�time someone�described your�sex�life�as�compelling?

Real�life�people just�aren't�good�at�sex.

But�you�know�who�is? The�beautiful�god people�of�TV.

While�the�proliferation of�roles�for�beautiful god�people

seems�to�have�no�end�in�sight,

it�looks�like�our�Western birth�rates�will�continue

to�fall�until�they�bring back��The�King�of�Queens.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.

Promstitution.

I�just�made�that�term�up. But�should�we�be�concerned?

Find�out�after�the�break.

(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)

Welcome�back!

EMMA:�Should�businesses�be run�more�like�the�government?

Meet�the�consultant who�wants�corporations to�torture�their�enemies.

(AUDIENCE�LAUGHS)

MIGUEL:�Barb�Putney�of�Calgary broke�two�of�her�New�Year's resolutions�today,

when�a�truck�delivering�fudge crashed�into�her�gym.

EMMA:�And�an�asteroid�killed the�dinosaurs.

But�could�an�even�bigger asteroid�bring�them�back?

(AUDIENCE�LAUGHS)

The�nation's�toddlers are�hopeful.

Thanks�to�Kathleen Wynne's�Liberals,

beer�is�now�available in�select�grocery�stores throughout�Ontario.

But�the�provinces largest�beer�retailer,

The�Beer�Store, is�fighting�back by�selling�groceries.

The�Beer�Store�will�be�your one-stop-shop�for�all�products of�dubious�quality,

like�wilted�lettuce,�day�old bagels,�and�dumpster grade�sushi.

All�this�at�prices only�a�foreign�owned monopoly�can�offer.

Plus�their�return�policy is�excellent.

This�summer,�a�terrible dog�attack�in�Montreal

lead�to�renewed�calls for�a�ban�on�pit�bulls.

This�brings�us to�the�subject�of�tonight's "Point�/�Counter�Point,"

a�measured�discussion of�whether�we�should�outlaw

this�monstrous�breed of�super�killers.

All�right,�Miguel,�go�ahead

and�justify�your�love of�these�furry�murderers.

Okay.�Well,�look�at�Calgary. Okay,�they�moved�away

from�banning�breeds�to�focus on�owner�responsibility.

Yeah.�Calgary.�That's�where you�want�to�set�the�bar.

It's�basically��Fury�Road but�with�more�cows.

Which�internet�are�you�using?

Look,�owner�responsibility is�great�on�paper.

But�how�has�it�worked�out in�the�real�world?

Great,�actually. It's�led�to�a�precipitous drop�in�dog�bites.

That�is�exactly�what they�want�you�to�think.

Who,�Calgarians?

No.�Pit�bulls,�Miguel.�Jesus.

You�think�pit�bulls�are�trying to�lull�us�into�some false�sense�of�security?

Really?

Pit�bulls�are�known for�their�subterfuge,�Miguel.

Okay,�that�is�why�they�are so�lethal.

It's�all�licks,�and�tail�wags,

and�the�second you�turn�your�back, they�slit�your�throat.

Emma,�if�we�were to�somehow�ban one�breed�of�dog,

reckless�owners�would�just make�the�same�mistakes

with�other�breeds and�we'd�be�having this�debate�all�over�again.

Yeah,�right. No�one�is�going�to�tell�me I�can't�keep�my�property�safe

without�the�watchful�eye of�my�power�Pomeranians.

You�are�exactly the�type�of�problem�owner

that�I'm�talking�about.

No.�I�am�just�trying to�defend�myself

from�devious�pit�bull killing�machines,�Miguel.

And�the�only�way�to�do�that is�by�weaponizing�other�dogs.

Okay,�what�happens�when�that dog�becomes�the�problem?

I�don't�know,�you�just weaponize�another�breed.

And�then�what�happens when�that�breed�becomes the�problem?

We'll�just�let the�bureaucrats�sort�it�out.

Okay,�Miguel. When�have�they�ever�failed�us?

We're�out�of�time.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�Emma�Hunter. We'll�see�you�tomorrow, when�tomorrow�is�today.

Oh,�how�clever.

Yeah.

(CHATTING�INDISTINCTLY)

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