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Hydro�One�unveils�a�new�plan to�reduce�energy�costs,
heating�your�home by�burning�overdue�bills.
EMMA:��The�SpaceX�program is�looking�for�people
willing�to�die�on�Mars.
And�people willing�to�kill�on�Mars.
MIGUEL:��And�we'll�meet�the�Jew
who�is�trying�to�take�the�fun out�of�Christmas.
(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
Canada's�most�actionable source�of�news.
I'm�two-time�defendant, Emma�Hunter.
And�I'm�two-time�plaintiff, Miguel�Rivas.
The�Liberal�government is�promising
a�new�anti-transphobia�bill
that�aims�to�stop discrimination
against�the Trans-Pacific�Partnership.
Minister�of�International Trade,�Chrystia�Freeland�said,
(READING)
"...to�overturn�policies they�don't�agree�with.
"This�legislation will�classify
"that�kind�of�criticism as�hate�speech."
The�bill�will�also�allow
safe�access�to the�nation's�washrooms,
where�international conglomerates
can�shit�all�over Canadian�environmental�laws.
In�Colombia,
decades�of�armed�conflict came�to�an�end�this�fall,
when�the�last�52�years of�guerrilla�warfare
was�revealed�to�be a�viral-marketing�campaign
for�the�new��King�Kong�sequel.
Warner�Brothers�Pictures apologized
for�the�protracted�violence,
admitting�the�elaborate promotional�stunt
may�have�got�away�from�them.
According�to�a�press�release,
(READING)
"...in�hindsight,�having�FARC guerrillas�dress�as�apes
"while�perpetrating narco-terrorism
"was�a�poor�choice.
"But�still,�it's�gonna�be a�great�movie."
In�related�news,
a�series�of�disappointing and�hard-to-follow�explosions
are�said�to�be a�viral�campaign
for�the�next Transformers�movie.
WikiLeaks,�the�TMZ�of international�whistleblowers,
has�released a�damning�series�of�documents,
this�time,�exposing Russian�leader�Vladimir�Putin.
According�to the�embarrassing�cables,
Putin�is�a�strong�man with�a�virile�sexuality,
who�has�bedded�a�large�number of�willing�females.
The�leaks�also�revealed his�charitable�donations,
valued�in�the�billions,
and�his�workout�regime, which�includes
1,000�push-ups before�breakfast.
In�a�statement,
Wikileaks�founder, Julian�Assange�said,
(READING)
"our�integrity�in�the�name of�a�state�sponsor
"with�a�very�large�penis."
For�decades, the�Indian�Act�has�presented
one�of�the�most�complex problems�in�Canadian�politics.
A�piece�of�racial�legislation originally�meant�to�destroy
the�independence and�cultural�identity
of�First�Nations�peoples,
it�is�also�one�of the�few�documents�that
enshrines�traditional�rights.
Luckily,�as�with�all�other indigenous�issues,
the�Trudeau�government has�come�along
and�fixed�the�entire�thing.
Our�own�Marilla�Wex�reports.
In�a�deft�political�stroke, the�Trudeau�government
has�found�a�way to�keep�the�Indian�Act
while�also�maintaining Canada's�credentials
as�a�nation with�racial�equality.
They've�developed a�piece�of�legislation
like�the�Indian�Act,
for�every�single�other race�and�ethnicity.
Since�taking�office,
the�government has�created�statutes
like�the�Crafty�Jew�Act, the�Fiery�Latino�Act,
and�the�(WHISPERING) Black�People�Act.
I'm�not�just�saying�it like�that,
that�is�the�official�name of�the�document.
Everybody�in�Canada�is�equal,
regardless�of�whether the�government
took�your�children�from�you,
or�gave�your�land to�a�mining�consortium.
As�a�Jewish�person,
what�can�I�expect from�the�Crafty�Jew�Act?
Well,�like�with the�Indian�Act,
your�name�will�be�put�on a�list�of�other�Jews�and...
That's�the�legal�term...
And�you'll�be�issued�a�card identifying�you�as�a�Jew.
I�suspect�that�will�make most�Jewish�people
extremely�uncomfortable.
Uh,�yeah,�I�guess.
Like�in�the�Indian�Act, everyone�will�now�be�granted
access�to�designated social�services
based�on whether�or�not�they�qualify
for�so-called�"status."
To�explain�how�it�works,
the�government produced�this�video.
PHIL�PAULSON:�Not�so�fast
with�that�delectable gabagool,�Vinny.
Did�you�know you�might�not�be�Italian?
Of�course�I�am. Who�the�fuck�are�you?
PHIL:��Actually,�Vinny, even�though�you,
your�parents, and�your�grandparents
were�all�raised�Italian,
one�of�your�great-grandparents was�Dutch,
and�two�of�them�were�born on�the�French�border.
-So? -So,�like�the�Indian�Act,
the�Stinkin'�Italian�Act�says
that�you�can't�have Italian�status
unless�you�have one�full�Italian�parent,
or�two�halfsies. So�legally,�you're�nothing.
Then�in�a�few�generations, nobody's�gonna�be�Italian?
Exactly.�And�once�nobody is�legally�Italian,
Little�Italy�will�revert to�the�government,
and�we�can�finally sell�the�land�it's�built�on
to�a�natural�gas�company.
-(SPEAKING�ITALIAN) -(LAUGHS)
Careful.�Now, if�you're�not�Italian,
then�what�right�do�you have�to�be�Catholic?
This�new�policy is�not�without�its�problems.
Canada's�white�people have�begun�protesting,
after�somehow�getting�the�idea that�it�uses�taxpayer�money
to�buy�every�ethnic�minority free�cigarettes.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Marilla�Wex.
Thanks,�Marilla. You�remain,�as�ever,
our�most British�correspondent.
The�state�of�Texas says�that�a�new�law
allowing�teachers�to carry�guns�at�school
has�resulted�in a�1000%�increase
in�completed homework�assignments.
The�so-called "campus�carry"�bill
was�enacted�last�August,
in�a�bid�to�increase school�safety
at�the�behest�of�the�state's most�concerned�parent�group,
the�NRA.
While�the�presence of�armed�educators
has�not�decreased school-related�violence,
it�has�resulted in�an�unprecedented�increase
in�teachers�who�feel like�a�big�man.
After�the�break...
He�knows�when�you�are�naughty, he�knows�when�you�are�nice.
Is�Santa�Claus data�mining�you?
WOMAN:��The�morning�after your�birth�control�fails,
you're�probably feeling�like�you're�all�alone.
But�guess�what?�You're�not.
In�fact,�chances�are�that several�women�just�like�you
are�at�your�local�pharmacy right�now,
buying�up�all�the�plan�B�pills
before�you�can�get your�hands�on�them.
The�pharmacy�will�order�more,
but�who�knows�how�long that'll�take?
In�the�meantime, there's�Plan�C.
Plan�C�is�an�all-natural birth�control�alternative
that�takes your�newly-fertilized�embryo,
and�gently�places�it onto�the�wait�list
of�those�impossible-to -get-into�day�cares.
In�the�event�that you're�unable�to�prevent
your�pregnancy�from�occurring,
Plan�C�reduces�your�chances of�having�to�quit�your�job,
or�hire�a�nanny, by�as�much�as�5%.
Wait,�5%?�That's�it?
WOMAN: Side�effects�include�poverty,
unlicensed�facilities, and�in�some�cases,�diddlers.
You�know�what,�I'll�just�go to�another�pharmacy.
-(BABY�CRYING) -WOMAN:��Good�call,�sister.
(READING)
Coming�up�later,
Marineland�announces�plans to�stay�open�all�year.
EMMA:�Home�Alone tops�IMDb's�list�as
the�best�holiday�snuff�film.
MIGUEL:��And�a�Vancouver�driver who�left�his�BMW�at�home
was�forced�to�kill�a�cyclist with�his�bare�hands.
Disaster�in�Australia�today. Reports�show�that�93%
of�the�Great�Barrier�Reef is�dying,
leading�many�experts to�wonder�how�long�do�we�have
before�Australians�escape their�island�prison?
While�the�plan�of�marooning British�criminals�on�an�island
surrounded�by an�impassable�reef
was�good�in�theory,
in�practice, it's�been�a�disaster.
After�spending generations�contending
with�dangerous�snakes, spiders,�and�Russell�Crowes,
Australians�have�evolved into�the�deadly�species
we�make-out�with only�on�vacation.
Experts�worry,�if�one�of�these weapons-grade�drunks
were�to�cross�the�Pacific,
it�could�wipe�Winnipeg off�the�map.
Millennials�face�record�levels of�debt�and�unemployment.
But�is�there�hope for�this�lost�generation?
We�go�now�to�Rick�Roberts,
the�man�who�has�been our�youth�correspondent
for�three�decades.
RICK:��Millennials.�How�did they�screw�it�up�so�badly?
I'm�here�to�show�this generation�how�to�grow�up.
And�I'm�going�to�do�it by�becoming�one�of�them.
Step�one,�get�a�good�education to�stand�out�from�the�crowd.
Yo.�Hello.�Is�this�Harvard?
I�would�like�to�register for�your�business�school.
I�have,�uh,�three�quarters of�a�high�school�diploma.
Where�do�I�mail my�$200�tuition?�Hello?
RICK:��On�second�thought, millennials�are�over-educated.
Stop�hiding in�your�ivory�tower.
Get�your�hands�dirty.
A�factory�job�helped�me make�something�of�myself.
Okay,�what�happened to�the�factory�here?
Outsourcing. And�latte�macchiatos.
That�was�a�setback.
But�unlike�a�millennial,
I�haven't�had�it�easy my�whole�life,
so�I�wasn't�going�to�give�up.
Remember,�you're�not too�good�for�any�job,
just�because�you�were raised�to�think
that�you're�a�special, little�snowflake.
I�want�to�settle�for�this�job.
I'm�not�taking�no for�an�answer.
I�can't�hire�you.
You�don't�know anything�about�coffee.
Sure�I�do.
It's�free,�and�my�secretary brings�it�to�me.
RICK:��Things�were�looking�bad,
but�as�I�always�tell young�people
who�I�assume�want�me to�give�them�advice,
the�most�important�thing is�to�network.
Hey.�Hey,�Dave. (LAUGHS�NERVOUSLY)
You�old�bastard.
Look,�do�you�still�own that�coffee�kiosk
in�the�old�auto�factory?
So�what's�the�starting salary�here?
Well,�my�boss�said I�had�to�hire�you.
Mmm-hmm.
But�there's�no�more room�on�the�payroll,
so�welcome�to�the�world's first�coffee-shop�internship.
So�what,�like,�50,000�a�year?
God.�At�that�rate, it's�gonna�take�me,
at�least�six�months to�be�able�to�buy�a�house.
Uh,�it's�unpaid.
RICK:��I�was�outraged
that�millennials had�created�a�system
where�you�have�to�work for�no�money.
But�there�was�an�upside.
Part�of�growing�up is�finding�a�nice�girl
and�settling�down.
Let's�quit�this�dead-end�job. Let's�get�a�Winnebago.
Let's�discover�America.
I�have�a�mountain of�student�debt.
-So? -Gas�costs�a�fortune,
and�you're�old�enough to�be�my...
Well,�you're�old�enough to�be�dead.
Clearly...
RICK:��Clearly, dating�had�changed.
I�was�going�to�have�to update�my�strategy.
Maybe�there�were�some�things
that�millennials were�getting�right.
(SIGHING)
Okay,�forget�about�that�thing with�the�Winnebago.
How�about�you�and�I, we�just�tinder?
Why�does�the�same�thing literally�happen
every�place�I�work?
RICK:��A�paid�position at�the�coffee�shop
had�finally�opened�up.
Well,�that�was an�inspiring�journey,
going�from an�unemployed�20-something
to�VP�of�my�very�own coffee�chain.
And�I�most�def learned�something
during�my�time as�a�millennial.
Never�to�retire. Man,�it�is�hard�out�there!
And�if�I�cycle�out of�the�workforce,
who's�going�to�support my�unemployed�millennial�son?
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Rick�Roberts.�Yo!
Thanks,�Rick.
It's�so�refreshing to�see�a�baby�boomer
with�the�courage to�call�out�millennials.
To�Ottawa�now,
where�things�have�gotten�tense at�the�local�farmer's�market,
as�every�single�vendor
has�decided�to�run to�be�leader�of�the�NDP.
Sources�say,�Patricia�Bernier,
proprietor�of�Produce�Pat vegetable�stand,
jumped�to�an�early�lead
after�she�gave�an�effective campaign�speech/slam-poem.
But�that�evaporated�when artisanal�sausage-maker,
Ron�Pritchett, threw�his�hat�into�the�ring.
Polls�showed�the�two running�neck-and-neck,
with�Patricia�being�endorsed by�the�vegan�bakers�union,
and�Ron�dominating amongst�militant�cyclists
and�dads�whose�kids just�want�to�go�home.
However,�the�race was�thrown�into�chaos
when�every�other market�vendor,
including�Jan�the�Jam-maker, Big�Cheese�Steve,
and�that�lady�who�makes ornate,�wooden�birdcages,
also�declared.
Coming�up�after�the�break, meet�the�dad�who�doesn't�know
what�to�get�his�weird�son for�Christmas.
You�know, I�was�the�weird�son.
EMMA:�I�know.
Later�this�hour,
home�for�the�holidays,
the�nation's�students are�shocked�to�discover
their�parents�have turned�their�bedrooms
into�a�sex�dungeon.
MIGUEL:��Celebrities are�running�out�of�time
to�make�this�year's�star studded�"In�Memoriam"�reel.
EMMA: And�we'll�show�you�ten�ways
to�get�riled�up�about�GMOs,
even�though�you�don't�really know�what�they�are.
The�holidays�are�just around�the�corner,
and�that�means�navigating
the�social�minefield of�gift-giving
without�setting�off certain�co-workers.
Why�would�you�ever�think I'd�want�a�donation
made�in�my�name to�the�Jared�Fogle�Foundation?
Luckily,�our�festive financial�expert,
Laura�Cilevitz, is�here�to�help�out.
-Hi,�Laura. -Thanks�for�having�me,�Emma.
Miguel.
We�all�have�someone on�our�gift�list
who's�difficult�to�shop�for.
But�for�those in�the�lobbying�industry,
the�real�question�is, what�do�you�get
to�buy�off the�Member�of�Parliament
who�has�everything?
I�ask�myself�that�question every�election�cycle.
No,�hold�on�a�second. Aren't�MPs�bound
by�strict�regulations�on conflicts�of�interest?
I�know, it�drives�me�crazy�too.
But,�the�good�news�is,
MPs�only�have�to publicly�disclose�gifts
of�$500�or�more.
So�thankfully, no�public�watchdog
will�bat�an�eye at�this�festive�gift�basket
with�a�jar�of�apple�butter and�a�novelty�check�for�$492.
You�think�you�can�buy influence�with�apple�butter?
Of�course�not.�(SCOFFS)
Luckily,�that's�why they�invented
-season�tickets�to�the�Leafs. -EMMA:�Oh.
Those�are thousands�of�dollars.
I�know!�Such�a�bargain.
Fortunately,�parliamentary ethics�only�cover
politicians�and�their immediate�families.
So,�an�innocuous $15,000�present
to�your�MP's�best�friend, and�whichever�politician
they�want�to�take to�the�hockey�game,
won't�raise�any�eyebrows.
Finally, news�you�can�actually�use.
No.�This�is�completely�wrong.
Actually,�Miguel�brings�up a�great�point.
What�do�you�get�for�the�MP who�refuses�to�be�bought?
That�is�not�my�point.
The�gift�that�keeps�on�giving,
clandestine�photographs of�their�lurid�affairs!
Of�course.�Thanks,�Laura.
From�round�bouncing�balls, to�oval�throwing�balls,
to�disk-shaped�balls that�fly�at�your�face,
it's�time�for�an�update from�the�boys
at�the�Beaverton Sports�Network.
Evening,�and�welcome�to the�BSN�update.
He's�Pat,�I'm�Luke, and�neither�of�us
have�read�a�book in�the�last�decade.
Let's�get�into�it.�Quebec�City tries�to�attract�NHL�expansion
with�a�new, slutty�arena�design.
The�New�York�Mets�are lobbying�the�Hall�of�Fame
to�end�the�snub and�finally�elect
the�MVP�of�their '86�World�Series,
a�giant�bag�of�cocaine.
And�in�Major�League Soccer's�latest�attempt
to�reach�white American�football�fans,
every�team�will�be�renamed
after�a�region-specific ethnic�slur.
BSN�is�proud to�bring�you�coverage
of�the�2017�season-opener,
as�the�LA�Anchor�Babies take�on
the�Salt�Lake�Sister�Fuckers.
A�classic�in�the�making.
But�first,�the�World Junior�Hockey�championships,
Canada's�favorite time�of�the�year
to�dissect�the�physical and�emotional�deficiencies
of�a�group�of�teenagers.
Joining�us�live�via�satellite to�discuss�how�our�boys
can�make�the�most of�the�upcoming�mini-camp,
is�former�Junior�team�star
and�current�gas-station attendant,�Perry�Upton.
-Thanks�for�coming,�Perry. -Thanks�for�having�me.
Hey,�so,�Perry, what�chance�do�you�think
our�boys�have�this�year to�come�away�with�the�gold?
Well,�most�experts�have�us as�the�favorites,
but�if�you�ask�me, they�won't�even�medal.
Are�we�losing�ground in�the�talent�pool
to�the�Americans?
Are�we�not�as�dedicated to�systems�as�the�Finns?
(SCOFFS)�No.�Our�dominance at�the�World�Juniors
ended�almost�a�decade�ago, when�Junior�Hockey
started�cracking�down on�hazing.
It's�true,�Canada�has�only come�home�with�the�gold�once
in�the�last�seven�years.
Yeah,�man,�back�when we�dominated�in�the�'90s,
our�rookies�were�able to�compete�in�the�trenches
because�we�forced�them into�naked�fight�clubs
in�coach�bus�washrooms.
Now,�that's�a�good�point.
I�mean,�how�can�you�improve your�shooting�accuracy
if�you�don't�tie�a�bucket to�each�other's�genitals
then�take�slapshots into�that�bucket?
Exactly.�And�believe�me, I�know�from�experience
how�far�a�ritualistic circle�jerk�will�go
towards�bringing�home the�gold.
Okay,�now, what's�the�benefit�of�that?
Team�unity?�Trust?
No�man,�you�just�get to�have�a�circle�jerk.
Well,�I�guess the�main�point�here�is,
we�wish�our�boys�well.
Bring�home�the�gold and�maybe�you'll�get�girls
to�touch�your�junk�too.
Uh,�no�girls in�the�circle�jerk.
The�NFL�is�cracking�down on�domestic�violence.
The�league's�new personal�conduct�policy
gives�a�season-long�suspension
to�any�player who�commits�an�assault,
as�long�as�they�are not�actually�important
to�their�team's�success.
The�Competition�Committee has�outlined
stringent�benchmarks�necessary to�stay�on�the�53-man�roster.
For�instance,�if�a�running back�hits�his�wife,
he�must�be�coming�off�at�least 1,000-yard�season.
It's�a�clear�message to�players�that,
if�they're�going�to�be involved�in�abhorrent
off-field�incidents,
they�better�make�sure to�make�the�Pro�Bowl.
The�league�will�no�longer tolerate�this�kind�of�behavior
from�anyone�who�isn't a�Super�Bowl�winning�QB.
But�God�help�him�if�he smokes�a�little�marijuana
during�the�off�season.
That's�a�great�point,�Pat. You're�doing�a�fantastic�job.
That's�what�your�Mom said�last�night.
I�know.�She�gives�me�notes on�all�our�broadcasts.
Well,�that's�about all�the�time�we�have
for�this�BSN�update.
Tune�in�to�Sportsdesk�at�11:00 for�full�coverage�of�Qatar
being�awarded the�2026�Winter�Olympics.
Turning�to�health�care,
more�Canadians�than�ever are�being�diagnosed
with�mental�illness.
Yet,�funding�for�care continues�to�plummet.
Joining�us�live�via�satellite to�discuss�how�Health�Canada
plans�to�address this�mounting�problem
is�healthcare�consultant, James�Lillian.
Thanks�for�having�me.
Does�the�government have�a�plan�to�address
the�mental�health-care�crisis in�our�country,�James?
Absolutely.�Our�new�program is�going�to�dramatically�lower
rates�of�mental�illness in�Canada,
by�reclassifying a�number�of�conditions�as
"delightful�eccentricities."
Does�that�mean they�won't�get�treatment?
They�won't�need�treatment.
Under�the�new diagnostic�guidelines,
sufferers�of�chronic�anxiety
will�now�be�considered "worrywarts."
Obsessive-compulsives will�be�"Tidy�Terrys,"
and�those�suffering�from what�used�to�be�called
clinical�depression, will�now�just�be�dealing�with
"a�prolonged�case of�the�Mondays."
Isn't�this�just�a�form of�diagnostic�whitewashing?
Look,�are�we�cynically using�semantics
to�shirk our�responsibilities?�Sure.
Are�we�walking�away from�people�who�need�us?
Absolutely.
How�much�money is�this�going�to�save�us?
Tons.
Doesn't�our�medical community�have�a�duty
to�treat�all�Canadians?
But�don't�you�see?
Having�fewer�patients will�allow�facilities
to�better�allocate their�existing�resources
without�having to�spend�a�dime.
That's�the�entire�purpose of�single-payer�health�care.
But�what�about�the�people who�get�turned�away?
Won't�we�have�more�people slipping�through�the�cracks?
Sure,�uh,�but�it's�best�to think�of�these�crack-slippers
as�the�quirky�aunts, complex�artists,�free�spirits,
and�mathematical�geniuses
that�make�life�so unpredictably�whimsical.
So,�if�you�see�one on�the�street,
and�you�will�see�them on�the�street,
-make�sure�you�say�"hi." -Or�maybe�lend�a�helping�hand?
Whatever�floats�your�boat.
They're�your�problem now,�society!
Thanks,�James.
It's�great�to�know someone's�doing�their�part,
even�if�that�person is�not�you.
Before�we�leave�tonight,
we'd�like�to�pay�tribute to�one�of�our�crew�members.
Today�is�the�last�day for�one�of�our�cameramen,
who�I�am�very�close�to.
We're�very�close�to.
Oh,�I�didn't�know you�guys�were�tight?
Oh,�yeah.�Yeah. Whoever�picks�up�camera�three
is�gonna�have big�shoes�to�fill.
It's�camera�two.
Yep...�Yep...
The�point�is�that I'm�very�close
with�the�retiring�camera�man.
So...�It's�not�a�big�deal.
Okay,�then,�maybe�you'd�like to�send�him�off,�Miguel.
Sure.�Yeah,�of�course.
On�behalf�of�the�staff here�at��The�Beaverton,
I'd�like to�personally�thank...
The�man�of�the�hour,�um...
He�always�shows�up to�work�fully-clothed.
Yes.
He's�a�big�fan�of�lunch. And�his�name�is...
-Is... -Gravid...
-His�name�is�Owen. -Owen!�Owen.
You�don't�know�a�single crew-member's�name,
do�you,�Miguel?
Well,�I'm�sorry
the�one�crew�member you�know�is�leaving.
I'd�also�like�to�thank the�rest�of�the�crew.
Henry,�I'm�thinking�about�you.
Sadie,�um, Jo-Jo�with�the�makeup,
we�look�amazing because�of�you.
Naira,�thank�you.
Deanne,�you're�40, that's�crazy.
The�Bear,�with�the�pipes! And�Tiny�Eliot.
Honestly,�I�love you�guys�so�much...
Yeah,�me�too!
Well,�maybe�not�love,�because that�would�be�inappropriate.
Good�night,�everyone!
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