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Original subtitles

Hydro�One�unveils�a�new�plan to�reduce�energy�costs,

heating�your�home by�burning�overdue�bills.

EMMA:��The�SpaceX�program is�looking�for�people

willing�to�die�on�Mars.

And�people willing�to�kill�on�Mars.

MIGUEL:��And�we'll�meet�the�Jew

who�is�trying�to�take�the�fun out�of�Christmas.

(THEME�MUSIC�PLAYING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

Canada's�most�actionable source�of�news.

I'm�two-time�defendant, Emma�Hunter.

And�I'm�two-time�plaintiff, Miguel�Rivas.

The�Liberal�government is�promising

a�new�anti-transphobia�bill

that�aims�to�stop discrimination

against�the Trans-Pacific�Partnership.

Minister�of�International Trade,�Chrystia�Freeland�said,

(READING)

"...to�overturn�policies they�don't�agree�with.

"This�legislation will�classify

"that�kind�of�criticism as�hate�speech."

The�bill�will�also�allow

safe�access�to the�nation's�washrooms,

where�international conglomerates

can�shit�all�over Canadian�environmental�laws.

In�Colombia,

decades�of�armed�conflict came�to�an�end�this�fall,

when�the�last�52�years of�guerrilla�warfare

was�revealed�to�be a�viral-marketing�campaign

for�the�new��King�Kong�sequel.

Warner�Brothers�Pictures apologized

for�the�protracted�violence,

admitting�the�elaborate promotional�stunt

may�have�got�away�from�them.

According�to�a�press�release,

(READING)

"...in�hindsight,�having�FARC guerrillas�dress�as�apes

"while�perpetrating narco-terrorism

"was�a�poor�choice.

"But�still,�it's�gonna�be a�great�movie."

In�related�news,

a�series�of�disappointing and�hard-to-follow�explosions

are�said�to�be a�viral�campaign

for�the�next Transformers�movie.

WikiLeaks,�the�TMZ�of international�whistleblowers,

has�released a�damning�series�of�documents,

this�time,�exposing Russian�leader�Vladimir�Putin.

According�to the�embarrassing�cables,

Putin�is�a�strong�man with�a�virile�sexuality,

who�has�bedded�a�large�number of�willing�females.

The�leaks�also�revealed his�charitable�donations,

valued�in�the�billions,

and�his�workout�regime, which�includes

1,000�push-ups before�breakfast.

In�a�statement,

Wikileaks�founder, Julian�Assange�said,

(READING)

"our�integrity�in�the�name of�a�state�sponsor

"with�a�very�large�penis."

For�decades, the�Indian�Act�has�presented

one�of�the�most�complex problems�in�Canadian�politics.

A�piece�of�racial�legislation originally�meant�to�destroy

the�independence and�cultural�identity

of�First�Nations�peoples,

it�is�also�one�of the�few�documents�that

enshrines�traditional�rights.

Luckily,�as�with�all�other indigenous�issues,

the�Trudeau�government has�come�along

and�fixed�the�entire�thing.

Our�own�Marilla�Wex�reports.

In�a�deft�political�stroke, the�Trudeau�government

has�found�a�way to�keep�the�Indian�Act

while�also�maintaining Canada's�credentials

as�a�nation with�racial�equality.

They've�developed a�piece�of�legislation

like�the�Indian�Act,

for�every�single�other race�and�ethnicity.

Since�taking�office,

the�government has�created�statutes

like�the�Crafty�Jew�Act, the�Fiery�Latino�Act,

and�the�(WHISPERING) Black�People�Act.

I'm�not�just�saying�it like�that,

that�is�the�official�name of�the�document.

Everybody�in�Canada�is�equal,

regardless�of�whether the�government

took�your�children�from�you,

or�gave�your�land to�a�mining�consortium.

As�a�Jewish�person,

what�can�I�expect from�the�Crafty�Jew�Act?

Well,�like�with the�Indian�Act,

your�name�will�be�put�on a�list�of�other�Jews�and...

That's�the�legal�term...

And�you'll�be�issued�a�card identifying�you�as�a�Jew.

I�suspect�that�will�make most�Jewish�people

extremely�uncomfortable.

Uh,�yeah,�I�guess.

Like�in�the�Indian�Act, everyone�will�now�be�granted

access�to�designated social�services

based�on whether�or�not�they�qualify

for�so-called�"status."

To�explain�how�it�works,

the�government produced�this�video.

PHIL�PAULSON:�Not�so�fast

with�that�delectable gabagool,�Vinny.

Did�you�know you�might�not�be�Italian?

Of�course�I�am. Who�the�fuck�are�you?

PHIL:��Actually,�Vinny, even�though�you,

your�parents, and�your�grandparents

were�all�raised�Italian,

one�of�your�great-grandparents was�Dutch,

and�two�of�them�were�born on�the�French�border.

-So? -So,�like�the�Indian�Act,

the�Stinkin'�Italian�Act�says

that�you�can't�have Italian�status

unless�you�have one�full�Italian�parent,

or�two�halfsies. So�legally,�you're�nothing.

Then�in�a�few�generations, nobody's�gonna�be�Italian?

Exactly.�And�once�nobody is�legally�Italian,

Little�Italy�will�revert to�the�government,

and�we�can�finally sell�the�land�it's�built�on

to�a�natural�gas�company.

-(SPEAKING�ITALIAN) -(LAUGHS)

Careful.�Now, if�you're�not�Italian,

then�what�right�do�you have�to�be�Catholic?

This�new�policy is�not�without�its�problems.

Canada's�white�people have�begun�protesting,

after�somehow�getting�the�idea that�it�uses�taxpayer�money

to�buy�every�ethnic�minority free�cigarettes.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Marilla�Wex.

Thanks,�Marilla. You�remain,�as�ever,

our�most British�correspondent.

The�state�of�Texas says�that�a�new�law

allowing�teachers�to carry�guns�at�school

has�resulted�in a�1000%�increase

in�completed homework�assignments.

The�so-called "campus�carry"�bill

was�enacted�last�August,

in�a�bid�to�increase school�safety

at�the�behest�of�the�state's most�concerned�parent�group,

the�NRA.

While�the�presence of�armed�educators

has�not�decreased school-related�violence,

it�has�resulted in�an�unprecedented�increase

in�teachers�who�feel like�a�big�man.

After�the�break...

He�knows�when�you�are�naughty, he�knows�when�you�are�nice.

Is�Santa�Claus data�mining�you?

WOMAN:��The�morning�after your�birth�control�fails,

you're�probably feeling�like�you're�all�alone.

But�guess�what?�You're�not.

In�fact,�chances�are�that several�women�just�like�you

are�at�your�local�pharmacy right�now,

buying�up�all�the�plan�B�pills

before�you�can�get your�hands�on�them.

The�pharmacy�will�order�more,

but�who�knows�how�long that'll�take?

In�the�meantime, there's�Plan�C.

Plan�C�is�an�all-natural birth�control�alternative

that�takes your�newly-fertilized�embryo,

and�gently�places�it onto�the�wait�list

of�those�impossible-to -get-into�day�cares.

In�the�event�that you're�unable�to�prevent

your�pregnancy�from�occurring,

Plan�C�reduces�your�chances of�having�to�quit�your�job,

or�hire�a�nanny, by�as�much�as�5%.

Wait,�5%?�That's�it?

WOMAN: Side�effects�include�poverty,

unlicensed�facilities, and�in�some�cases,�diddlers.

You�know�what,�I'll�just�go to�another�pharmacy.

-(BABY�CRYING) -WOMAN:��Good�call,�sister.

(READING)

Coming�up�later,

Marineland�announces�plans to�stay�open�all�year.

EMMA:�Home�Alone tops�IMDb's�list�as

the�best�holiday�snuff�film.

MIGUEL:��And�a�Vancouver�driver who�left�his�BMW�at�home

was�forced�to�kill�a�cyclist with�his�bare�hands.

Disaster�in�Australia�today. Reports�show�that�93%

of�the�Great�Barrier�Reef is�dying,

leading�many�experts to�wonder�how�long�do�we�have

before�Australians�escape their�island�prison?

While�the�plan�of�marooning British�criminals�on�an�island

surrounded�by an�impassable�reef

was�good�in�theory,

in�practice, it's�been�a�disaster.

After�spending generations�contending

with�dangerous�snakes, spiders,�and�Russell�Crowes,

Australians�have�evolved into�the�deadly�species

we�make-out�with only�on�vacation.

Experts�worry,�if�one�of�these weapons-grade�drunks

were�to�cross�the�Pacific,

it�could�wipe�Winnipeg off�the�map.

Millennials�face�record�levels of�debt�and�unemployment.

But�is�there�hope for�this�lost�generation?

We�go�now�to�Rick�Roberts,

the�man�who�has�been our�youth�correspondent

for�three�decades.

RICK:��Millennials.�How�did they�screw�it�up�so�badly?

I'm�here�to�show�this generation�how�to�grow�up.

And�I'm�going�to�do�it by�becoming�one�of�them.

Step�one,�get�a�good�education to�stand�out�from�the�crowd.

Yo.�Hello.�Is�this�Harvard?

I�would�like�to�register for�your�business�school.

I�have,�uh,�three�quarters of�a�high�school�diploma.

Where�do�I�mail my�$200�tuition?�Hello?

RICK:��On�second�thought, millennials�are�over-educated.

Stop�hiding in�your�ivory�tower.

Get�your�hands�dirty.

A�factory�job�helped�me make�something�of�myself.

Okay,�what�happened to�the�factory�here?

Outsourcing. And�latte�macchiatos.

That�was�a�setback.

But�unlike�a�millennial,

I�haven't�had�it�easy my�whole�life,

so�I�wasn't�going�to�give�up.

Remember,�you're�not too�good�for�any�job,

just�because�you�were raised�to�think

that�you're�a�special, little�snowflake.

I�want�to�settle�for�this�job.

I'm�not�taking�no for�an�answer.

I�can't�hire�you.

You�don't�know anything�about�coffee.

Sure�I�do.

It's�free,�and�my�secretary brings�it�to�me.

RICK:��Things�were�looking�bad,

but�as�I�always�tell young�people

who�I�assume�want�me to�give�them�advice,

the�most�important�thing is�to�network.

Hey.�Hey,�Dave. (LAUGHS�NERVOUSLY)

You�old�bastard.

Look,�do�you�still�own that�coffee�kiosk

in�the�old�auto�factory?

So�what's�the�starting salary�here?

Well,�my�boss�said I�had�to�hire�you.

Mmm-hmm.

But�there's�no�more room�on�the�payroll,

so�welcome�to�the�world's first�coffee-shop�internship.

So�what,�like,�50,000�a�year?

God.�At�that�rate, it's�gonna�take�me,

at�least�six�months to�be�able�to�buy�a�house.

Uh,�it's�unpaid.

RICK:��I�was�outraged

that�millennials had�created�a�system

where�you�have�to�work for�no�money.

But�there�was�an�upside.

Part�of�growing�up is�finding�a�nice�girl

and�settling�down.

Let's�quit�this�dead-end�job. Let's�get�a�Winnebago.

Let's�discover�America.

I�have�a�mountain of�student�debt.

-So? -Gas�costs�a�fortune,

and�you're�old�enough to�be�my...

Well,�you're�old�enough to�be�dead.

Clearly...

RICK:��Clearly, dating�had�changed.

I�was�going�to�have�to update�my�strategy.

Maybe�there�were�some�things

that�millennials were�getting�right.

(SIGHING)

Okay,�forget�about�that�thing with�the�Winnebago.

How�about�you�and�I, we�just�tinder?

Why�does�the�same�thing literally�happen

every�place�I�work?

RICK:��A�paid�position at�the�coffee�shop

had�finally�opened�up.

Well,�that�was an�inspiring�journey,

going�from an�unemployed�20-something

to�VP�of�my�very�own coffee�chain.

And�I�most�def learned�something

during�my�time as�a�millennial.

Never�to�retire. Man,�it�is�hard�out�there!

And�if�I�cycle�out of�the�workforce,

who's�going�to�support my�unemployed�millennial�son?

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Rick�Roberts.�Yo!

Thanks,�Rick.

It's�so�refreshing to�see�a�baby�boomer

with�the�courage to�call�out�millennials.

To�Ottawa�now,

where�things�have�gotten�tense at�the�local�farmer's�market,

as�every�single�vendor

has�decided�to�run to�be�leader�of�the�NDP.

Sources�say,�Patricia�Bernier,

proprietor�of�Produce�Pat vegetable�stand,

jumped�to�an�early�lead

after�she�gave�an�effective campaign�speech/slam-poem.

But�that�evaporated�when artisanal�sausage-maker,

Ron�Pritchett, threw�his�hat�into�the�ring.

Polls�showed�the�two running�neck-and-neck,

with�Patricia�being�endorsed by�the�vegan�bakers�union,

and�Ron�dominating amongst�militant�cyclists

and�dads�whose�kids just�want�to�go�home.

However,�the�race was�thrown�into�chaos

when�every�other market�vendor,

including�Jan�the�Jam-maker, Big�Cheese�Steve,

and�that�lady�who�makes ornate,�wooden�birdcages,

also�declared.

Coming�up�after�the�break, meet�the�dad�who�doesn't�know

what�to�get�his�weird�son for�Christmas.

You�know, I�was�the�weird�son.

EMMA:�I�know.

Later�this�hour,

home�for�the�holidays,

the�nation's�students are�shocked�to�discover

their�parents�have turned�their�bedrooms

into�a�sex�dungeon.

MIGUEL:��Celebrities are�running�out�of�time

to�make�this�year's�star studded�"In�Memoriam"�reel.

EMMA: And�we'll�show�you�ten�ways

to�get�riled�up�about�GMOs,

even�though�you�don't�really know�what�they�are.

The�holidays�are�just around�the�corner,

and�that�means�navigating

the�social�minefield of�gift-giving

without�setting�off certain�co-workers.

Why�would�you�ever�think I'd�want�a�donation

made�in�my�name to�the�Jared�Fogle�Foundation?

Luckily,�our�festive financial�expert,

Laura�Cilevitz, is�here�to�help�out.

-Hi,�Laura. -Thanks�for�having�me,�Emma.

Miguel.

We�all�have�someone on�our�gift�list

who's�difficult�to�shop�for.

But�for�those in�the�lobbying�industry,

the�real�question�is, what�do�you�get

to�buy�off the�Member�of�Parliament

who�has�everything?

I�ask�myself�that�question every�election�cycle.

No,�hold�on�a�second. Aren't�MPs�bound

by�strict�regulations�on conflicts�of�interest?

I�know, it�drives�me�crazy�too.

But,�the�good�news�is,

MPs�only�have�to publicly�disclose�gifts

of�$500�or�more.

So�thankfully, no�public�watchdog

will�bat�an�eye at�this�festive�gift�basket

with�a�jar�of�apple�butter and�a�novelty�check�for�$492.

You�think�you�can�buy influence�with�apple�butter?

Of�course�not.�(SCOFFS)

Luckily,�that's�why they�invented

-season�tickets�to�the�Leafs. -EMMA:�Oh.

Those�are thousands�of�dollars.

I�know!�Such�a�bargain.

Fortunately,�parliamentary ethics�only�cover

politicians�and�their immediate�families.

So,�an�innocuous $15,000�present

to�your�MP's�best�friend, and�whichever�politician

they�want�to�take to�the�hockey�game,

won't�raise�any�eyebrows.

Finally, news�you�can�actually�use.

No.�This�is�completely�wrong.

Actually,�Miguel�brings�up a�great�point.

What�do�you�get�for�the�MP who�refuses�to�be�bought?

That�is�not�my�point.

The�gift�that�keeps�on�giving,

clandestine�photographs of�their�lurid�affairs!

Of�course.�Thanks,�Laura.

From�round�bouncing�balls, to�oval�throwing�balls,

to�disk-shaped�balls that�fly�at�your�face,

it's�time�for�an�update from�the�boys

at�the�Beaverton Sports�Network.

Evening,�and�welcome�to the�BSN�update.

He's�Pat,�I'm�Luke, and�neither�of�us

have�read�a�book in�the�last�decade.

Let's�get�into�it.�Quebec�City tries�to�attract�NHL�expansion

with�a�new, slutty�arena�design.

The�New�York�Mets�are lobbying�the�Hall�of�Fame

to�end�the�snub and�finally�elect

the�MVP�of�their '86�World�Series,

a�giant�bag�of�cocaine.

And�in�Major�League Soccer's�latest�attempt

to�reach�white American�football�fans,

every�team�will�be�renamed

after�a�region-specific ethnic�slur.

BSN�is�proud to�bring�you�coverage

of�the�2017�season-opener,

as�the�LA�Anchor�Babies take�on

the�Salt�Lake�Sister�Fuckers.

A�classic�in�the�making.

But�first,�the�World Junior�Hockey�championships,

Canada's�favorite time�of�the�year

to�dissect�the�physical and�emotional�deficiencies

of�a�group�of�teenagers.

Joining�us�live�via�satellite to�discuss�how�our�boys

can�make�the�most of�the�upcoming�mini-camp,

is�former�Junior�team�star

and�current�gas-station attendant,�Perry�Upton.

-Thanks�for�coming,�Perry. -Thanks�for�having�me.

Hey,�so,�Perry, what�chance�do�you�think

our�boys�have�this�year to�come�away�with�the�gold?

Well,�most�experts�have�us as�the�favorites,

but�if�you�ask�me, they�won't�even�medal.

Are�we�losing�ground in�the�talent�pool

to�the�Americans?

Are�we�not�as�dedicated to�systems�as�the�Finns?

(SCOFFS)�No.�Our�dominance at�the�World�Juniors

ended�almost�a�decade�ago, when�Junior�Hockey

started�cracking�down on�hazing.

It's�true,�Canada�has�only come�home�with�the�gold�once

in�the�last�seven�years.

Yeah,�man,�back�when we�dominated�in�the�'90s,

our�rookies�were�able to�compete�in�the�trenches

because�we�forced�them into�naked�fight�clubs

in�coach�bus�washrooms.

Now,�that's�a�good�point.

I�mean,�how�can�you�improve your�shooting�accuracy

if�you�don't�tie�a�bucket to�each�other's�genitals

then�take�slapshots into�that�bucket?

Exactly.�And�believe�me, I�know�from�experience

how�far�a�ritualistic circle�jerk�will�go

towards�bringing�home the�gold.

Okay,�now, what's�the�benefit�of�that?

Team�unity?�Trust?

No�man,�you�just�get to�have�a�circle�jerk.

Well,�I�guess the�main�point�here�is,

we�wish�our�boys�well.

Bring�home�the�gold and�maybe�you'll�get�girls

to�touch�your�junk�too.

Uh,�no�girls in�the�circle�jerk.

The�NFL�is�cracking�down on�domestic�violence.

The�league's�new personal�conduct�policy

gives�a�season-long�suspension

to�any�player who�commits�an�assault,

as�long�as�they�are not�actually�important

to�their�team's�success.

The�Competition�Committee has�outlined

stringent�benchmarks�necessary to�stay�on�the�53-man�roster.

For�instance,�if�a�running back�hits�his�wife,

he�must�be�coming�off�at�least 1,000-yard�season.

It's�a�clear�message to�players�that,

if�they're�going�to�be involved�in�abhorrent

off-field�incidents,

they�better�make�sure to�make�the�Pro�Bowl.

The�league�will�no�longer tolerate�this�kind�of�behavior

from�anyone�who�isn't a�Super�Bowl�winning�QB.

But�God�help�him�if�he smokes�a�little�marijuana

during�the�off�season.

That's�a�great�point,�Pat. You're�doing�a�fantastic�job.

That's�what�your�Mom said�last�night.

I�know.�She�gives�me�notes on�all�our�broadcasts.

Well,�that's�about all�the�time�we�have

for�this�BSN�update.

Tune�in�to�Sportsdesk�at�11:00 for�full�coverage�of�Qatar

being�awarded the�2026�Winter�Olympics.

Turning�to�health�care,

more�Canadians�than�ever are�being�diagnosed

with�mental�illness.

Yet,�funding�for�care continues�to�plummet.

Joining�us�live�via�satellite to�discuss�how�Health�Canada

plans�to�address this�mounting�problem

is�healthcare�consultant, James�Lillian.

Thanks�for�having�me.

Does�the�government have�a�plan�to�address

the�mental�health-care�crisis in�our�country,�James?

Absolutely.�Our�new�program is�going�to�dramatically�lower

rates�of�mental�illness in�Canada,

by�reclassifying a�number�of�conditions�as

"delightful�eccentricities."

Does�that�mean they�won't�get�treatment?

They�won't�need�treatment.

Under�the�new diagnostic�guidelines,

sufferers�of�chronic�anxiety

will�now�be�considered "worrywarts."

Obsessive-compulsives will�be�"Tidy�Terrys,"

and�those�suffering�from what�used�to�be�called

clinical�depression, will�now�just�be�dealing�with

"a�prolonged�case of�the�Mondays."

Isn't�this�just�a�form of�diagnostic�whitewashing?

Look,�are�we�cynically using�semantics

to�shirk our�responsibilities?�Sure.

Are�we�walking�away from�people�who�need�us?

Absolutely.

How�much�money is�this�going�to�save�us?

Tons.

Doesn't�our�medical community�have�a�duty

to�treat�all�Canadians?

But�don't�you�see?

Having�fewer�patients will�allow�facilities

to�better�allocate their�existing�resources

without�having to�spend�a�dime.

That's�the�entire�purpose of�single-payer�health�care.

But�what�about�the�people who�get�turned�away?

Won't�we�have�more�people slipping�through�the�cracks?

Sure,�uh,�but�it's�best�to think�of�these�crack-slippers

as�the�quirky�aunts, complex�artists,�free�spirits,

and�mathematical�geniuses

that�make�life�so unpredictably�whimsical.

So,�if�you�see�one on�the�street,

and�you�will�see�them on�the�street,

-make�sure�you�say�"hi." -Or�maybe�lend�a�helping�hand?

Whatever�floats�your�boat.

They're�your�problem now,�society!

Thanks,�James.

It's�great�to�know someone's�doing�their�part,

even�if�that�person is�not�you.

Before�we�leave�tonight,

we'd�like�to�pay�tribute to�one�of�our�crew�members.

Today�is�the�last�day for�one�of�our�cameramen,

who�I�am�very�close�to.

We're�very�close�to.

Oh,�I�didn't�know you�guys�were�tight?

Oh,�yeah.�Yeah. Whoever�picks�up�camera�three

is�gonna�have big�shoes�to�fill.

It's�camera�two.

Yep...�Yep...

The�point�is�that I'm�very�close

with�the�retiring�camera�man.

So...�It's�not�a�big�deal.

Okay,�then,�maybe�you'd�like to�send�him�off,�Miguel.

Sure.�Yeah,�of�course.

On�behalf�of�the�staff here�at��The�Beaverton,

I'd�like to�personally�thank...

The�man�of�the�hour,�um...

He�always�shows�up to�work�fully-clothed.

Yes.

He's�a�big�fan�of�lunch. And�his�name�is...

-Is... -Gravid...

-His�name�is�Owen. -Owen!�Owen.

You�don't�know�a�single crew-member's�name,

do�you,�Miguel?

Well,�I'm�sorry

the�one�crew�member you�know�is�leaving.

I'd�also�like�to�thank the�rest�of�the�crew.

Henry,�I'm�thinking�about�you.

Sadie,�um, Jo-Jo�with�the�makeup,

we�look�amazing because�of�you.

Naira,�thank�you.

Deanne,�you're�40, that's�crazy.

The�Bear,�with�the�pipes! And�Tiny�Eliot.

Honestly,�I�love you�guys�so�much...

Yeah,�me�too!

Well,�maybe�not�love,�because that�would�be�inappropriate.

Good�night,�everyone!

(INAUDIBLE)

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