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MIGUEL:��Chinese�leaders urge�Canada,
to�worsen�it's Human�Rights�record.
EMMA:��Loblaws�consults with�Barack�Obama
for�his�final President's�Choice.
MIGUEL:��And�a�drought in�Nova�Scotia,
is�forcing�Alexander�Keith's
to�stop�watering�down their�beer.
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING AND�CHEERING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton.
78%�of�your�daily�recommended intake�of�news.
I'm�your�host,�Emma�Hunter.
And,�I'm�Miguel�Rivas. Also,�a�host.
After�a�new�round of�criticisms
aimed�at�the�seal�hunt,
the�Federal�Government has�modernized�the�hunt
by�opening a�Harp�seal�factory�farm.
Instead�of�the�barbaric single�stroke�of�a�club,
the�new�factory�farm will�butcher�animals
in�a�civilized�fashion.
Utilizing�cramped�cages, cattle-prods�and�band�saws.
This�is�the�first form�of�hunting
to�be�banned�since�the�50's
when�the�government�ended our�centuries�old�practice
of�sneaking�up�on�pigs and�clubbing�them�for�bacon.
North�Korea�has�expanded
their�long-range missile�capabilities.
One�previously�safe�locale that�believes
they�are�now�right�in�the�eye of�the�future�nuclear�storm,
is�Corner�Brook,�Newfoundland.
Residents�of�the 20,000�person�town
are�not�sure�how�they�came to�be�targeted
by�the�North�Korean dictatorship,
but�suspect�it�has�something to�do�with�the�local�foodie,
Jim�Everwood's two-star�Yelp�review
of�St.�John's�Jagoon Korean�barbeque.
Corner�Brook�officials are�still�hoping
for�a�diplomatic�solution.
But�the�fact�remains�that 20�kilotons�of�fiery�death
are�now�at�the�fingertips
of�an�increasingly�unstable, Kim�Jong�Un.
Pictured�here, wearing�a�giant�moustache for�a�hat.
In�business�news, Scotiabank�has�admitted
their�famous�slogan,
"You're�richer than�you�think."
Is�the�result�of�a�math�error
on�the�part�of�their accounting�department.
Executives�from�the�bank noted�that,
with�the�Canadian�economy
entering�its�second major�recession�in�a�decade,
you�are,�if�anything,
even�poorer than�your�parents�think.
Scotiabank�executive, Richard�Matlin
had�this�to�say.
(MIGUEL�READING)
"Legally,�we've�been�advised to�say,�'No.'"
Now,�let's�welcome�back our�own,�Dave�Barclay
for�the�latest in�the�world�of�technology.
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
Thanks,�Emma.
Hey,�Miguel. I�have�a�question�for�you.
Have�you�ever�felt�cheated
by�the�lack�of�pre-natal products�available�for�men?
Have�you�ever�thought,
"Why�do�women get�to�have�all�the�fun
"when�it�comes to�pregnancy�tests?"
Not�even�once.
Well,�your�prayers have�been�answered
by�the�developers of�Clear�Dude.
A�new�App�that's�billed as�the�first�ever
pregnancy�test�for�men.
The�app�uses a�complex�algorithm
to�tell�if�you're�about to�be�a�father
based�on�your�knowledge�of, and�interest�in,�World�War�II.
How�does�it�work, you're�wondering?
I�mean,�yeah... It�seems�far-fetched.
Well,�simply�answer a�few�questions
about�Normandy, Patton's�flanking�tactics,
and�the�German�U-boat�campaign
and�your�smart�phone will�not�only�know
if�your�wife�is�expecting,
but�if�you�have�what�it�takes to�be�a�dad.
Dave,�I've�recently�had�a�kid
and�I�only�have a�cursory�knowledge
on�some�of�these�subjects.
Oh,�really?
Are�you�sure?
Explain�Churchill's reluctance�to�stop
German�bombing campaigns�in�Coventry.�Go!
Churchill�made the�tactical�decision
to�conceal�the�secret that�he�cracked�the�code
to�the�Enigma�machine.
Oh,�my�God.�It�works!
(APPLAUSE)
Well,�the�jury's�still�out�on Churchill's�involvement
in�Bletchley�Park.
Oh,�wow,�Emma.
If�you�had�a�wife, I'm�sure,�she'd�be�pregnant.
(CHUCKLES)�Thanks,�Dave.
Are�there�any�other�features?
Oh,�developers�are�promising to�unveil�upgrades
with�skill�testing questions�on
proper�grilling�techniques, deck�building�competency
and�a�tool�to�measure how�loud�your�sneeze�is.
I'm�curious,�Dave, for�our�female�audience,
are�they�developing
any�digital�pregnancy�tests for�women?
Uh.�According�to�my�sources in�Palo�Alto,
Clear�Dude�has�been�working on�this�for�years.
But�they�can't�seem to�find�a�way
to�pee�on�the�phone and�still�keep�it�operational.
But,�that�doesn't�stop�me from�trying.
That's�gross,�Dave.
Up�next...
A�wave�of�excitement
is�spreading�across the�country
after�Queen�Elizabeth�II
announced�a�surprise�visit to�Canada�later�this�year,
to�finally�claim her�prima�nocta.
The�historical�accuracy of�the�prima�nocta
where�the�monarch may�bed�a�subject
on�their�wedding�night, is�a�hotly�contested�subject.
Nevertheless, Queen�Elizabeth�will�conduct
a�royal�ploughing�tour
from�the�Bay�of�Fundy
all�the�way to�the�misty�shores
of�the�Queen�Charlotte Islands.
A�spokesperson for�the�royal�family
reminded�all Canadian�bridegrooms�that
as�subjects of�the�Commonwealth,
it�is�their�civic�duty
to�thoroughly�explore her�majesty's�crown�lands.
Coming�up,�after�the�break.
Are�Edmonton�and�Calgary the�same�city?
Our�experts�weigh�in.
(APPLAUSE)
NARRATOR: Coming�this�fall,�on�CBC.
From�the�people�who brought�you�Schitt's�Creek.
Comes�another�show that�sounds�dirty,�but�isn't.
When�two�city�slickers�move to�the�small�community
of�Fuck�Town,�Manitoba.
They�have�no�idea
what�whacky�high�jinx they're�in�for.
WOMAN:�You�guys�must�do a�lot�of�fucking�here,�right?
Oh,�goodness�gracious,�no.
This�is�a�Christian�community.
NARRATOR:��It's�the�show about�rural�Canada
that�we've�made�before,
but�this�time, it�has�a�sex�name.
And�stars, the�descendants
of�your�favorite funny�Canadians.
Including�Mark�Myers.
You�know,�I�thought�this�place would�be�crazier.
Or�at�least�more�vulgar.
NARRATOR:��And�Jan�Akroyd.
Yes,�aside�from�the�name,
this�town�doesn't�push the�envelope�at�all.
NARRATOR:��And�Colin�Mochrie's brother�is�Gus.
The�whacky�Mayor.
Well,�we�try�and�keep�it family�friendly�here.
Oops,�late�for�orgy.
Orgy?
That's�just�what�we�nickname our�church.
(NERVOUS�CHUCKLE)
NARRATOR:��The�reviews are�already�flooding�in.
(NARRATOR�READING)
...raves�John�Doyle.
(NARRATOR�READING)
...gushes�the�Toronto�Star.
Oh,�the�name is�supposed�to�be�funny.
Oh...
(BOTH�CHUCKLE)
BOTH:�Hmm.
(BREATHES�DEEPLY)
Coming�up�later...
EMMA:��Russian�hackers
take�down the�Ministry�of�Fisheries'
"What�fish�are�you?"�quiz.
MIGUEL:�Canada�Post releases�a�series�of�stamps
that�commemorates�stamps.
EMMA:��And�Google�invents�a�car that�crashes�for�you
while�you�text.
Turning�to�the�world of�sports,
the�commissioner of�North�America's
largest�head-butting�league, is�denying
any�significant�link�between head-butting�and�concussions.
The�NHBL�insists there�is�no�conclusive�proof,
repeatedly�bashing�heads together�until�one�party
is�rendered�unconscious,
causes�long�term�impairment.
Despite�concussion�symptoms being�reported
in�100%�of�players.
The�league�added...
(MIGUEL�READING)
...of�what�is causing�conditions,
like�slurred�vision,
concave�forehead, liquid�brain�disease
mind�terrors�and exploding�skull�syndrome.
Death,�it's�inevitable.
But�does�it�have�to�be so�drab?
With�the�passing of�the�assisted�suicide�bill,
the�government�has�decided to�stay�out
of�the�deathbeds of�the�nation.
This�opened�the�door
to�an�exciting,�new�sector of�commerce.
Our�own,�Laura�Cilevitz has�more.
When�assisted�suicide legislation�was�passed,
people�assumed�deaths would�only�be�carried�out
in�bland�hospital�rooms or�government�offices.
LAURA:��But�fortunately,
the�free�market has�stepped�up.
Offering�consumers�the�death they�have�always�dreamed�of.
I�sat�down�with�one�of�these death-preneurs
to�find�out�more.
CINDY�MULSKEY: As�your�death�concierge,
I�will�personally facilitate�an�exit�strategy
that�fits�your�budget and�your�personality.
Ooh.�Where�do�I�sign�up?
(BOTH�CHUCKLE)
I�can�tell�you�about a�few�of�our�options.
For�terminal�literary�fans,
I've�booked�trips,
to�jump�off�the�historic bridges
of�Madison�County.
And�for�those who�are�looking�for
more�of�a�homeopathic, artisanal�death,
we�offer�a�line�of�organic hemlock�infused�teas.
It's�just�so�fun.
Mm. Now,�Cindy,
how�would�you�respond to�criticisms
that�you're�profiting off�pain?
We�offer�a... humane�service.
If�you�wanna�see who�is�profiting�off�death,
look�at�Big�Pharma.
LAURA:�Let�me�just�be the�first�to�say�that
I�am�so�sorry�for�the�loss of�your�monopoly
on�end�of�life�care,�Jerome.
Thank�you,�Laura.
This�new�legislation is�not�only�offensive
but�unnecessary.
Palliative�care�patients live�full,�painful,
medication-consuming�lives.
In�fact,�our�newest�drug,
allows�patients with�brain�cancer
to�live�five, even�$10,000�longer.
Huh.�So,�you're�concerned
that�the�assisted�suicide cottage�industry
doesn't�respect the�sanctity�of�life?
Absolutely.
Just�last�week, a�diabetic�grandmother,
asked�to�end�her�life by�consuming
an�entire�devil's�food�cake.
Death�by�chocolate is�not�a�medically�sanctioned
or�even,�dignified,�way�to�go.
Death�by�chocolate may�sound�crass...
Mm-hm. ...but�trust�me,
we�handle�it�tastefully.
LAURA:��With�so�many opposing�voices,
I�wanted�to�hear�from�someone
more�directly�affected,
an�old�bitty, with�cardiomyopathy.
Is�this�Groupon�still�valid?
My�friend,�Val,�bought�it.
No,�I'm�afraid�that this�expired�last�week.
Oh.�That's�okay. So�did�Val.
LAURA: Elaine,�are�you�sure
that�you�want�to�go the�assisted�route
rather�than�just�have�nature
or�your�artificial pace-maker�run�its�course?
Positive.
Ideally,�I�would�have�been crushed�by�the�weight
of�Tom�Sellick's�body, months�ago.
Oh. But�my�insurance
wouldn't�cover�it.
Now,�a�patient�just�hung herself�from�the�Eiffel�Tower,
last�week.
That�package�comes�with hotel�stay
and�one-way�airfare.
French�food has�too�much�butter.
Hm.
What�about�a�nice bull�goring?
Mm.
Duel�to�the�death?
Oh,�it's�perfect.
I'll�take�the�duel,�please.
A�man�with�cirrhosis just�chose�the�same�package.
We'll�set�it�up�right�away.
Exciting.�(CHUCKLES)
LAURA:��Questions�remain about�patient's�rights
and�the�responsibilities of�society.
But�given�that, assisted�suicide
is�now�the�law�of�the�land,
all�we�can�do�is�live,
and�let�assist�to�die.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.
(GUN�SHOT)
Thanks�for�that�report, Laura.
Please�stay�away�from�my�nana.
The�holiday�season is�nearly�upon�us.
And�yet�again, America's�right�wing
TV�pundits and�radio�personalities
are�complaining�that�the war�on�Christmas
is�coming�earlier,�every�year.
(EMMA�READING)
"I'm�already�spending�my�time,
"getting�mad�about�PC�perverts saying,�'Happy�Holidays.'"
The�group�added, that�they�don't�want�to
have�to�spend�their�entire November
demanding�City�Hall�display a�nativity�scene.
Or�making�sure�that�all the�mall�Santas�are�white,
the�way�Jesus�intended.
On�the�heels of�last�week's�popular
bee-feed�segment,
ten�things�you'll�only�get
if�you�watched��HBO in�the�80's.
Miguel�is�finally�starting to�get�on�board
with�these�nostalgia�pieces.
I'm�pretty�sure, I've�figured�out
how�these�work,�so,
without�further�ado,
here�are�five�things, only�people�who�grew�up
at�38�Vargan�Crescent
between�the�years�1992 and�1998,�will�remember.
That's�a�narrow�peel, Miguel.
Number�five.
The�shadow�of�that�maple�tree in�the�backyard
that�made�it�look�like Jaffar�from��Aladdin
was�staring�down�at�you from�the�upstairs�window.
Show�of�hands, if�that�startled�you.
Not�sure�everyone's�tree had�an�Aladdin�on�it
but�yeah,�okay!
Number�four, playing��Mario�Kart in�the�basement.
Hey,�I�love�me�some Mario�Kart.
No�matter�how�bad�life�got,
nothing�felt�better than�taking�refuge
in�the�basement�and�cranking up�the�volume
to�drown�out�the�yelling.
Wait,�what?
Number�three,�pizza�night.
Every�Tuesday, mom�had�to�work�late.
So,�you�got�to�order whatever�you�wanted
while�your�dad was�on�a�business�trip
with�his�assistant,�Bonnie.
Fun�fact, my�mom's�name�is�Bonnie.
Number�two,�walking�to�school.
Back�in�our�day, there�was�only�one�way
to�get�to�school.
Slip�on�your�Air�Jordans and�start�walking.
All�right,�yeah. Doc�Martens�for�me.
But�here�we�go. (NERVOUS�CHUCKLE)
You�never�knew what�you�were�gonna�see.
A�fight,�a�cat,
your�dad's�car in�Bonnie's�driveway.
Number�one,�Christmas! Oh,�boy.
You'll�only�get�this if�you're�part�of
the�38�Vargan�Crescent�crew.
But�waiting�to�see, if�this�was�the�Christmas
where�your�dad showed�up�again,�was�huge!
You�did�great.
Coming�up�next, we'll�talk�to�a�therapist
who�specializes in�news�anchors.
It�was�very�relatable.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
Coming�up�later, on��The�Beaverton...
MIGUEL:��Oklahoma�lawmakers,
filibuster�an�Oklahoma gun�registry�bill
by�performing�the�entire�score
to�their�favorite�musical, Cats.
EMMA:��Scientists�warn
that�snow-globes�oversimplify weather�patterns.
MIGUEL:��And�are�Canadians getting�addicted
to�prescription�heroine?
Meet�the�heroin�addict, who�says,�no.
Vancouver�is�introducing an�innovative�new�program
to�help�alleviate�poverty.
Unpaid�internships for�the�homeless.
According�to�a�spokesperson from�the�City�of�Vancouver,
(MIGUEL�READING)
"Having�almost�3000 unpaid�interns,
"makes�us�an�exciting�place to�do�business."
While�the�program�doesn't�give indigent�people
the�means�to�escape�cycles of�poverty�or�addiction,
it�does�give�them the�opportunity
to�spend�their�days
answering�the�phone and�running�errands
for�Fortune�500�companies.
As�for�all�the�young�people, who�will�be�losing
their�prized�internships to�homeless�people,
Vancouver�City�Council recommended
they�give�fentanyl�a�try.
The�dangers�of�the�NSA's
controversial�surveillance program
resurfaced�this�week,
after�an�elevator�shaft collapsed
trapping�33�data�miners.
For�more,�we�go�to�Marilla�Wex live�via�satellite�in�Utah.
A�group�of�heroic covert�operatives
are�trapped�in�the�basement of�the�NSA�data�center
with�nothing�to�occupy�them but�the�task�of�spying
on�their�fellow American�citizens.
And�frankly,�everyone�else.
Wait,�so,�you're�saying they're�still�spying�on�us?
Of�course,�they�are. They're�doing�their�duty.
Despite�conditions�that�are absolutely�deplorable.
MARILLA:��Cramped,�dirty,�hot.
Getting�as�high�as�75�degrees Fahrenheit
before�the�AC�kicks�back�in.
Doesn't�sound�so�bad.
I�should�point�out
they�are�down�to�their�last case�of�Monster�energy�drink.
But�they�are�keeping�morale�up by�following�along
with�Gilly�and�Michael's morning�calisthenics�routine
that�she�does conveniently�close
to�her�home�security�camera.
Are�they�watching�us right�now?
What�is�the�U.S...
What�is�the�U.S.�government saying�about�all�this?
The�NSA�released the�following�statement...
(MARILLA�READING)
"...which�we've�intercepted."
I�can't�believe�the�NSA can�read�my�emails
and�my�search�history.
Yeah,�I'm�sure�the�NSA really�cares�about
your�Google�searches�for�socks that�go�with�charcoal�suits.
Thank�you�so�much,�Marilla.
Now�it's�time�for�an�update from�Emma's�other�show
which�she�somehow�finds the�time�to�host,
even�though�she�also�hosts this�show
and�writes my�teleprompter�lines.
For�all�the�latest�hot�goss on�your�favorite�celebrities,
it's�time�for��Entertainment Right�Now,�Canada.
MAZIN:��Coming�up�on,
Entertainment�Right�Now, Canada.
We'll�tell�you�all�about what�indigenous�looks
celebrities�will�be appropriating�this�spring.
EMMA:��And�get�up�close�and inside�your�favorite�celebrity
with�our�red�carpet pap�smear�cam.
Hi,�I'm�Mazin.
Here�as�always, with�Emma�Hunter.
Canada's�favorite�25-year-old.
Oh! Up�first.
With�the�Marvel cinematic�universe
again�dominating the�box�office,
every�studio�is�looking to�create�movie�universes.
With�sequels,�spin-offs and�connecting�storylines.
The�Canadian�movie�industry is�no�exception.
eOne�films�has�just�announced the�creation
of�Canada's�first cinematic�universe.
Set�in�the�gritty and�compelling�world
of�Canada's�most�epic�saga, Anne�of�Green�Gables.
The�company�has�rolled�out, a�21�film�plan,
beginning�with the�original�tale
of�the�plucky�PEI�orphan,
then�moving�into darker�sequels�like,
Anne�of�the�Spanish�flu�and
Anne�vs.�The�European Inflation�Crisis.
There�will�also�be�spin-offs featuring�beloved�characters
from�the�Avonlea�world.
Including�a�biopic that�details�the�gilded�age
sexual�awakening�of�a�young Maurilla�Cuthbert.
And�a�spin-off�about�that one�friend�of�Anne's
whose�name�you�can't quite�remember.�(LAUGHS)
And�what�he�got�up�to in�the�Asian�opium�trade.
Well,�I'm�most�excited�for the�gritty�World�War�II�drama
entitled��Green�Gables�Five, Rise�of�Hitler.
Fuck�you,�Hitler.
Let's�dance.
(SCREAMING)
EMMA:��I�caught�up with�the�stars�on�the�set
of�G-G-Five-R-O-H.
I�think�it's�safe�to�say that�if�Anna�Green�Gables
were�a�real�person,
World�War�II never�would've�happened.
Wonderful�stuff,�Emma. You're�a�national�treasure.
Oh.�(CHUCKLES)
That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight.
But�tune�in�next�week where�we�tell�you�all�about
how�one�aging�actress
is�defying�society's expectations
by�continuing�to�live.
Wow.
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
After�the�break, more�boring�news.
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
Welcome�back.
Taking�action�against a�stagnant�economy,
Justin�Trudeau�has�approved dozens�of�oil�pipelines
in�the�hope�that�it�will stimulate�jobs
in�the�oil�pipeline protest�sector.
Said�Trudeau...
(MIGUEL�READING)
"...for�the�nation's pamphlet�printers,
"chant�lyricists,
"and�self-righteous Facebook�friends."
To�further�bolster the�outraged�economy,
Trudeau�added�he�will�raise tuition�fees
by�7000%,
and�give�away�the�rest of�our�fresh�water�supply
to�Nestle.
Canadian�household�debt continues�to�balloon
to�record�levels.
To�remedy�this�situation,
the�government�has�come�up with�a�solution
straight�out�of the�history�books.
Debtor's�prison.
Popularized�in�the�grim 19th�century�work
of�Charles�Dickens,
the�prisons�allow�the�state
to�incarcerate delinquent�borrowers
until�their�creditors are�satisfied.
Or�they�die�vomi-shitting from�dysentery.
Whichever�comes�first.
While�critics�say,
these�new�jails�will unfairly�punish
the�working�poor,
the�government�was�quick to�defend�itself.�Saying...
(EMMA�READING)
And,�I�don't�know,
that�just�seems like�a�lot�of�work.
I'd�like�to�end�our�broadcast this�week�on�a�lighter�note.
Normally,�an�interaction between�a�dog�and�a�rabbit
ends�in�a�pile�of�shredded�fur and�a�blood-soaked�pooch.
But�we�found�two�animals
who�have�broken�inter-species boundaries
by�becoming�best�frenemies.
MIGUEL:��Meet�Rosco, a�darling�Labrador
and�his pseudo-friend/�bitter�rival,
a�rabbit�named�Bubbles.
EMMA:��The�unlikely�pair can�be�often�found�engaging
in�passive�aggressive mind�games,
while�maintaining a�thin�veneer�of�friendship.
In�the�viral�video,
Bubbles'�cold stand-offish�gaze
as�Rosco�condescendingly tries�to�assert�his�dominance,
reminds�us�that�animals are�just�like�us.
The�worst.
Well,�that's�about�all the�time�we�have�tonight.
But�we'll�be�back�next�week with�full�coverage�of...
(INAUDIBLE)
For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�the�thinking�man's Miguel�Rivas,�Emma�Hunter.
Wishing�you�Goodnight.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
(BOTH�TALKING�INDISTINCTLY)
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