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Original subtitles

MIGUEL:��Chinese�leaders urge�Canada,

to�worsen�it's Human�Rights�record.

EMMA:��Loblaws�consults with�Barack�Obama

for�his�final President's�Choice.

MIGUEL:��And�a�drought in�Nova�Scotia,

is�forcing�Alexander�Keith's

to�stop�watering�down their�beer.

(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING AND�CHEERING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton.

78%�of�your�daily�recommended intake�of�news.

I'm�your�host,�Emma�Hunter.

And,�I'm�Miguel�Rivas. Also,�a�host.

After�a�new�round of�criticisms

aimed�at�the�seal�hunt,

the�Federal�Government has�modernized�the�hunt

by�opening a�Harp�seal�factory�farm.

Instead�of�the�barbaric single�stroke�of�a�club,

the�new�factory�farm will�butcher�animals

in�a�civilized�fashion.

Utilizing�cramped�cages, cattle-prods�and�band�saws.

This�is�the�first form�of�hunting

to�be�banned�since�the�50's

when�the�government�ended our�centuries�old�practice

of�sneaking�up�on�pigs and�clubbing�them�for�bacon.

North�Korea�has�expanded

their�long-range missile�capabilities.

One�previously�safe�locale that�believes

they�are�now�right�in�the�eye of�the�future�nuclear�storm,

is�Corner�Brook,�Newfoundland.

Residents�of�the 20,000�person�town

are�not�sure�how�they�came to�be�targeted

by�the�North�Korean dictatorship,

but�suspect�it�has�something to�do�with�the�local�foodie,

Jim�Everwood's two-star�Yelp�review

of�St.�John's�Jagoon Korean�barbeque.

Corner�Brook�officials are�still�hoping

for�a�diplomatic�solution.

But�the�fact�remains�that 20�kilotons�of�fiery�death

are�now�at�the�fingertips

of�an�increasingly�unstable, Kim�Jong�Un.

Pictured�here, wearing�a�giant�moustache for�a�hat.

In�business�news, Scotiabank�has�admitted

their�famous�slogan,

"You're�richer than�you�think."

Is�the�result�of�a�math�error

on�the�part�of�their accounting�department.

Executives�from�the�bank noted�that,

with�the�Canadian�economy

entering�its�second major�recession�in�a�decade,

you�are,�if�anything,

even�poorer than�your�parents�think.

Scotiabank�executive, Richard�Matlin

had�this�to�say.

(MIGUEL�READING)

"Legally,�we've�been�advised to�say,�'No.'"

Now,�let's�welcome�back our�own,�Dave�Barclay

for�the�latest in�the�world�of�technology.

(MUSIC�PLAYING)

Thanks,�Emma.

Hey,�Miguel. I�have�a�question�for�you.

Have�you�ever�felt�cheated

by�the�lack�of�pre-natal products�available�for�men?

Have�you�ever�thought,

"Why�do�women get�to�have�all�the�fun

"when�it�comes to�pregnancy�tests?"

Not�even�once.

Well,�your�prayers have�been�answered

by�the�developers of�Clear�Dude.

A�new�App�that's�billed as�the�first�ever

pregnancy�test�for�men.

The�app�uses a�complex�algorithm

to�tell�if�you're�about to�be�a�father

based�on�your�knowledge�of, and�interest�in,�World�War�II.

How�does�it�work, you're�wondering?

I�mean,�yeah... It�seems�far-fetched.

Well,�simply�answer a�few�questions

about�Normandy, Patton's�flanking�tactics,

and�the�German�U-boat�campaign

and�your�smart�phone will�not�only�know

if�your�wife�is�expecting,

but�if�you�have�what�it�takes to�be�a�dad.

Dave,�I've�recently�had�a�kid

and�I�only�have a�cursory�knowledge

on�some�of�these�subjects.

Oh,�really?

Are�you�sure?

Explain�Churchill's reluctance�to�stop

German�bombing campaigns�in�Coventry.�Go!

Churchill�made the�tactical�decision

to�conceal�the�secret that�he�cracked�the�code

to�the�Enigma�machine.

Oh,�my�God.�It�works!

(APPLAUSE)

Well,�the�jury's�still�out�on Churchill's�involvement

in�Bletchley�Park.

Oh,�wow,�Emma.

If�you�had�a�wife, I'm�sure,�she'd�be�pregnant.

(CHUCKLES)�Thanks,�Dave.

Are�there�any�other�features?

Oh,�developers�are�promising to�unveil�upgrades

with�skill�testing questions�on

proper�grilling�techniques, deck�building�competency

and�a�tool�to�measure how�loud�your�sneeze�is.

I'm�curious,�Dave, for�our�female�audience,

are�they�developing

any�digital�pregnancy�tests for�women?

Uh.�According�to�my�sources in�Palo�Alto,

Clear�Dude�has�been�working on�this�for�years.

But�they�can't�seem to�find�a�way

to�pee�on�the�phone and�still�keep�it�operational.

But,�that�doesn't�stop�me from�trying.

That's�gross,�Dave.

Up�next...

A�wave�of�excitement

is�spreading�across the�country

after�Queen�Elizabeth�II

announced�a�surprise�visit to�Canada�later�this�year,

to�finally�claim her�prima�nocta.

The�historical�accuracy of�the�prima�nocta

where�the�monarch may�bed�a�subject

on�their�wedding�night, is�a�hotly�contested�subject.

Nevertheless, Queen�Elizabeth�will�conduct

a�royal�ploughing�tour

from�the�Bay�of�Fundy

all�the�way to�the�misty�shores

of�the�Queen�Charlotte Islands.

A�spokesperson for�the�royal�family

reminded�all Canadian�bridegrooms�that

as�subjects of�the�Commonwealth,

it�is�their�civic�duty

to�thoroughly�explore her�majesty's�crown�lands.

Coming�up,�after�the�break.

Are�Edmonton�and�Calgary the�same�city?

Our�experts�weigh�in.

(APPLAUSE)

NARRATOR: Coming�this�fall,�on�CBC.

From�the�people�who brought�you�Schitt's�Creek.

Comes�another�show that�sounds�dirty,�but�isn't.

When�two�city�slickers�move to�the�small�community

of�Fuck�Town,�Manitoba.

They�have�no�idea

what�whacky�high�jinx they're�in�for.

WOMAN:�You�guys�must�do a�lot�of�fucking�here,�right?

Oh,�goodness�gracious,�no.

This�is�a�Christian�community.

NARRATOR:��It's�the�show about�rural�Canada

that�we've�made�before,

but�this�time, it�has�a�sex�name.

And�stars, the�descendants

of�your�favorite funny�Canadians.

Including�Mark�Myers.

You�know,�I�thought�this�place would�be�crazier.

Or�at�least�more�vulgar.

NARRATOR:��And�Jan�Akroyd.

Yes,�aside�from�the�name,

this�town�doesn't�push the�envelope�at�all.

NARRATOR:��And�Colin�Mochrie's brother�is�Gus.

The�whacky�Mayor.

Well,�we�try�and�keep�it family�friendly�here.

Oops,�late�for�orgy.

Orgy?

That's�just�what�we�nickname our�church.

(NERVOUS�CHUCKLE)

NARRATOR:��The�reviews are�already�flooding�in.

(NARRATOR�READING)

...raves�John�Doyle.

(NARRATOR�READING)

...gushes�the�Toronto�Star.

Oh,�the�name is�supposed�to�be�funny.

Oh...

(BOTH�CHUCKLE)

BOTH:�Hmm.

(BREATHES�DEEPLY)

Coming�up�later...

EMMA:��Russian�hackers

take�down the�Ministry�of�Fisheries'

"What�fish�are�you?"�quiz.

MIGUEL:�Canada�Post releases�a�series�of�stamps

that�commemorates�stamps.

EMMA:��And�Google�invents�a�car that�crashes�for�you

while�you�text.

Turning�to�the�world of�sports,

the�commissioner of�North�America's

largest�head-butting�league, is�denying

any�significant�link�between head-butting�and�concussions.

The�NHBL�insists there�is�no�conclusive�proof,

repeatedly�bashing�heads together�until�one�party

is�rendered�unconscious,

causes�long�term�impairment.

Despite�concussion�symptoms being�reported

in�100%�of�players.

The�league�added...

(MIGUEL�READING)

...of�what�is causing�conditions,

like�slurred�vision,

concave�forehead, liquid�brain�disease

mind�terrors�and exploding�skull�syndrome.

Death,�it's�inevitable.

But�does�it�have�to�be so�drab?

With�the�passing of�the�assisted�suicide�bill,

the�government�has�decided to�stay�out

of�the�deathbeds of�the�nation.

This�opened�the�door

to�an�exciting,�new�sector of�commerce.

Our�own,�Laura�Cilevitz has�more.

When�assisted�suicide legislation�was�passed,

people�assumed�deaths would�only�be�carried�out

in�bland�hospital�rooms or�government�offices.

LAURA:��But�fortunately,

the�free�market has�stepped�up.

Offering�consumers�the�death they�have�always�dreamed�of.

I�sat�down�with�one�of�these death-preneurs

to�find�out�more.

CINDY�MULSKEY: As�your�death�concierge,

I�will�personally facilitate�an�exit�strategy

that�fits�your�budget and�your�personality.

Ooh.�Where�do�I�sign�up?

(BOTH�CHUCKLE)

I�can�tell�you�about a�few�of�our�options.

For�terminal�literary�fans,

I've�booked�trips,

to�jump�off�the�historic bridges

of�Madison�County.

And�for�those who�are�looking�for

more�of�a�homeopathic, artisanal�death,

we�offer�a�line�of�organic hemlock�infused�teas.

It's�just�so�fun.

Mm. Now,�Cindy,

how�would�you�respond to�criticisms

that�you're�profiting off�pain?

We�offer�a... humane�service.

If�you�wanna�see who�is�profiting�off�death,

look�at�Big�Pharma.

LAURA:�Let�me�just�be the�first�to�say�that

I�am�so�sorry�for�the�loss of�your�monopoly

on�end�of�life�care,�Jerome.

Thank�you,�Laura.

This�new�legislation is�not�only�offensive

but�unnecessary.

Palliative�care�patients live�full,�painful,

medication-consuming�lives.

In�fact,�our�newest�drug,

allows�patients with�brain�cancer

to�live�five, even�$10,000�longer.

Huh.�So,�you're�concerned

that�the�assisted�suicide cottage�industry

doesn't�respect the�sanctity�of�life?

Absolutely.

Just�last�week, a�diabetic�grandmother,

asked�to�end�her�life by�consuming

an�entire�devil's�food�cake.

Death�by�chocolate is�not�a�medically�sanctioned

or�even,�dignified,�way�to�go.

Death�by�chocolate may�sound�crass...

Mm-hm. ...but�trust�me,

we�handle�it�tastefully.

LAURA:��With�so�many opposing�voices,

I�wanted�to�hear�from�someone

more�directly�affected,

an�old�bitty, with�cardiomyopathy.

Is�this�Groupon�still�valid?

My�friend,�Val,�bought�it.

No,�I'm�afraid�that this�expired�last�week.

Oh.�That's�okay. So�did�Val.

LAURA: Elaine,�are�you�sure

that�you�want�to�go the�assisted�route

rather�than�just�have�nature

or�your�artificial pace-maker�run�its�course?

Positive.

Ideally,�I�would�have�been crushed�by�the�weight

of�Tom�Sellick's�body, months�ago.

Oh. But�my�insurance

wouldn't�cover�it.

Now,�a�patient�just�hung herself�from�the�Eiffel�Tower,

last�week.

That�package�comes�with hotel�stay

and�one-way�airfare.

French�food has�too�much�butter.

Hm.

What�about�a�nice bull�goring?

Mm.

Duel�to�the�death?

Oh,�it's�perfect.

I'll�take�the�duel,�please.

A�man�with�cirrhosis just�chose�the�same�package.

We'll�set�it�up�right�away.

Exciting.�(CHUCKLES)

LAURA:��Questions�remain about�patient's�rights

and�the�responsibilities of�society.

But�given�that, assisted�suicide

is�now�the�law�of�the�land,

all�we�can�do�is�live,

and�let�assist�to�die.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Laura�Cilevitz.

(GUN�SHOT)

Thanks�for�that�report, Laura.

Please�stay�away�from�my�nana.

The�holiday�season is�nearly�upon�us.

And�yet�again, America's�right�wing

TV�pundits and�radio�personalities

are�complaining�that�the war�on�Christmas

is�coming�earlier,�every�year.

(EMMA�READING)

"I'm�already�spending�my�time,

"getting�mad�about�PC�perverts saying,�'Happy�Holidays.'"

The�group�added, that�they�don't�want�to

have�to�spend�their�entire November

demanding�City�Hall�display a�nativity�scene.

Or�making�sure�that�all the�mall�Santas�are�white,

the�way�Jesus�intended.

On�the�heels of�last�week's�popular

bee-feed�segment,

ten�things�you'll�only�get

if�you�watched��HBO in�the�80's.

Miguel�is�finally�starting to�get�on�board

with�these�nostalgia�pieces.

I'm�pretty�sure, I've�figured�out

how�these�work,�so,

without�further�ado,

here�are�five�things, only�people�who�grew�up

at�38�Vargan�Crescent

between�the�years�1992 and�1998,�will�remember.

That's�a�narrow�peel, Miguel.

Number�five.

The�shadow�of�that�maple�tree in�the�backyard

that�made�it�look�like Jaffar�from��Aladdin

was�staring�down�at�you from�the�upstairs�window.

Show�of�hands, if�that�startled�you.

Not�sure�everyone's�tree had�an�Aladdin�on�it

but�yeah,�okay!

Number�four, playing��Mario�Kart in�the�basement.

Hey,�I�love�me�some Mario�Kart.

No�matter�how�bad�life�got,

nothing�felt�better than�taking�refuge

in�the�basement�and�cranking up�the�volume

to�drown�out�the�yelling.

Wait,�what?

Number�three,�pizza�night.

Every�Tuesday, mom�had�to�work�late.

So,�you�got�to�order whatever�you�wanted

while�your�dad was�on�a�business�trip

with�his�assistant,�Bonnie.

Fun�fact, my�mom's�name�is�Bonnie.

Number�two,�walking�to�school.

Back�in�our�day, there�was�only�one�way

to�get�to�school.

Slip�on�your�Air�Jordans and�start�walking.

All�right,�yeah. Doc�Martens�for�me.

But�here�we�go. (NERVOUS�CHUCKLE)

You�never�knew what�you�were�gonna�see.

A�fight,�a�cat,

your�dad's�car in�Bonnie's�driveway.

Number�one,�Christmas! Oh,�boy.

You'll�only�get�this if�you're�part�of

the�38�Vargan�Crescent�crew.

But�waiting�to�see, if�this�was�the�Christmas

where�your�dad showed�up�again,�was�huge!

You�did�great.

Coming�up�next, we'll�talk�to�a�therapist

who�specializes in�news�anchors.

It�was�very�relatable.

(APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC�PLAYING)

Coming�up�later, on��The�Beaverton...

MIGUEL:��Oklahoma�lawmakers,

filibuster�an�Oklahoma gun�registry�bill

by�performing�the�entire�score

to�their�favorite�musical, Cats.

EMMA:��Scientists�warn

that�snow-globes�oversimplify weather�patterns.

MIGUEL:��And�are�Canadians getting�addicted

to�prescription�heroine?

Meet�the�heroin�addict, who�says,�no.

Vancouver�is�introducing an�innovative�new�program

to�help�alleviate�poverty.

Unpaid�internships for�the�homeless.

According�to�a�spokesperson from�the�City�of�Vancouver,

(MIGUEL�READING)

"Having�almost�3000 unpaid�interns,

"makes�us�an�exciting�place to�do�business."

While�the�program�doesn't�give indigent�people

the�means�to�escape�cycles of�poverty�or�addiction,

it�does�give�them the�opportunity

to�spend�their�days

answering�the�phone and�running�errands

for�Fortune�500�companies.

As�for�all�the�young�people, who�will�be�losing

their�prized�internships to�homeless�people,

Vancouver�City�Council recommended

they�give�fentanyl�a�try.

The�dangers�of�the�NSA's

controversial�surveillance program

resurfaced�this�week,

after�an�elevator�shaft collapsed

trapping�33�data�miners.

For�more,�we�go�to�Marilla�Wex live�via�satellite�in�Utah.

A�group�of�heroic covert�operatives

are�trapped�in�the�basement of�the�NSA�data�center

with�nothing�to�occupy�them but�the�task�of�spying

on�their�fellow American�citizens.

And�frankly,�everyone�else.

Wait,�so,�you're�saying they're�still�spying�on�us?

Of�course,�they�are. They're�doing�their�duty.

Despite�conditions�that�are absolutely�deplorable.

MARILLA:��Cramped,�dirty,�hot.

Getting�as�high�as�75�degrees Fahrenheit

before�the�AC�kicks�back�in.

Doesn't�sound�so�bad.

I�should�point�out

they�are�down�to�their�last case�of�Monster�energy�drink.

But�they�are�keeping�morale�up by�following�along

with�Gilly�and�Michael's morning�calisthenics�routine

that�she�does conveniently�close

to�her�home�security�camera.

Are�they�watching�us right�now?

What�is�the�U.S...

What�is�the�U.S.�government saying�about�all�this?

The�NSA�released the�following�statement...

(MARILLA�READING)

"...which�we've�intercepted."

I�can't�believe�the�NSA can�read�my�emails

and�my�search�history.

Yeah,�I'm�sure�the�NSA really�cares�about

your�Google�searches�for�socks that�go�with�charcoal�suits.

Thank�you�so�much,�Marilla.

Now�it's�time�for�an�update from�Emma's�other�show

which�she�somehow�finds the�time�to�host,

even�though�she�also�hosts this�show

and�writes my�teleprompter�lines.

For�all�the�latest�hot�goss on�your�favorite�celebrities,

it's�time�for��Entertainment Right�Now,�Canada.

MAZIN:��Coming�up�on,

Entertainment�Right�Now, Canada.

We'll�tell�you�all�about what�indigenous�looks

celebrities�will�be appropriating�this�spring.

EMMA:��And�get�up�close�and inside�your�favorite�celebrity

with�our�red�carpet pap�smear�cam.

Hi,�I'm�Mazin.

Here�as�always, with�Emma�Hunter.

Canada's�favorite�25-year-old.

Oh! Up�first.

With�the�Marvel cinematic�universe

again�dominating the�box�office,

every�studio�is�looking to�create�movie�universes.

With�sequels,�spin-offs and�connecting�storylines.

The�Canadian�movie�industry is�no�exception.

eOne�films�has�just�announced the�creation

of�Canada's�first cinematic�universe.

Set�in�the�gritty and�compelling�world

of�Canada's�most�epic�saga, Anne�of�Green�Gables.

The�company�has�rolled�out, a�21�film�plan,

beginning�with the�original�tale

of�the�plucky�PEI�orphan,

then�moving�into darker�sequels�like,

Anne�of�the�Spanish�flu�and

Anne�vs.�The�European Inflation�Crisis.

There�will�also�be�spin-offs featuring�beloved�characters

from�the�Avonlea�world.

Including�a�biopic that�details�the�gilded�age

sexual�awakening�of�a�young Maurilla�Cuthbert.

And�a�spin-off�about�that one�friend�of�Anne's

whose�name�you�can't quite�remember.�(LAUGHS)

And�what�he�got�up�to in�the�Asian�opium�trade.

Well,�I'm�most�excited�for the�gritty�World�War�II�drama

entitled��Green�Gables�Five, Rise�of�Hitler.

Fuck�you,�Hitler.

Let's�dance.

(SCREAMING)

EMMA:��I�caught�up with�the�stars�on�the�set

of�G-G-Five-R-O-H.

I�think�it's�safe�to�say that�if�Anna�Green�Gables

were�a�real�person,

World�War�II never�would've�happened.

Wonderful�stuff,�Emma. You're�a�national�treasure.

Oh.�(CHUCKLES)

That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight.

But�tune�in�next�week where�we�tell�you�all�about

how�one�aging�actress

is�defying�society's expectations

by�continuing�to�live.

Wow.

(MUSIC�PLAYING)

After�the�break, more�boring�news.

(MUSIC�PLAYING)

Welcome�back.

Taking�action�against a�stagnant�economy,

Justin�Trudeau�has�approved dozens�of�oil�pipelines

in�the�hope�that�it�will stimulate�jobs

in�the�oil�pipeline protest�sector.

Said�Trudeau...

(MIGUEL�READING)

"...for�the�nation's pamphlet�printers,

"chant�lyricists,

"and�self-righteous Facebook�friends."

To�further�bolster the�outraged�economy,

Trudeau�added�he�will�raise tuition�fees

by�7000%,

and�give�away�the�rest of�our�fresh�water�supply

to�Nestle.

Canadian�household�debt continues�to�balloon

to�record�levels.

To�remedy�this�situation,

the�government�has�come�up with�a�solution

straight�out�of the�history�books.

Debtor's�prison.

Popularized�in�the�grim 19th�century�work

of�Charles�Dickens,

the�prisons�allow�the�state

to�incarcerate delinquent�borrowers

until�their�creditors are�satisfied.

Or�they�die�vomi-shitting from�dysentery.

Whichever�comes�first.

While�critics�say,

these�new�jails�will unfairly�punish

the�working�poor,

the�government�was�quick to�defend�itself.�Saying...

(EMMA�READING)

And,�I�don't�know,

that�just�seems like�a�lot�of�work.

I'd�like�to�end�our�broadcast this�week�on�a�lighter�note.

Normally,�an�interaction between�a�dog�and�a�rabbit

ends�in�a�pile�of�shredded�fur and�a�blood-soaked�pooch.

But�we�found�two�animals

who�have�broken�inter-species boundaries

by�becoming�best�frenemies.

MIGUEL:��Meet�Rosco, a�darling�Labrador

and�his pseudo-friend/�bitter�rival,

a�rabbit�named�Bubbles.

EMMA:��The�unlikely�pair can�be�often�found�engaging

in�passive�aggressive mind�games,

while�maintaining a�thin�veneer�of�friendship.

In�the�viral�video,

Bubbles'�cold stand-offish�gaze

as�Rosco�condescendingly tries�to�assert�his�dominance,

reminds�us�that�animals are�just�like�us.

The�worst.

Well,�that's�about�all the�time�we�have�tonight.

But�we'll�be�back�next�week with�full�coverage�of...

(INAUDIBLE)

For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�the�thinking�man's Miguel�Rivas,�Emma�Hunter.

Wishing�you�Goodnight.

(APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC�PLAYING)

(BOTH�TALKING�INDISTINCTLY)

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