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Original subtitles

MIGUEL:��Interest�rates are�doing�something

you�don't�have the�financial�literacy to�understand.

EMMA:��A�Vancouver�woman thinks�up�a�pun�so�good, she�has�to�open�a�business.

MIGUEL:��And�is�our�reliance on�smartphones�increasing our�risk�of�thumb�cancer?

Meet�the�doctor who�isn't�sure.

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

the�news�show other�news�shows�get their�news�from.

I'm�your�host, Miguel�Rivas.

And�filling�in for�Miguel�Rivas, I'm�Emma�Hunter.

Eminent�journalist Peter�Mansbridge,

anchor�of�CBC's The�National,

will�retire�on�July�1st

in�order�to�spend�more�time lobbing�softball�questions at�his�family.

Mansbridge, revered�for�having the�integrity

to�sit�down�with the�world's�most�powerful

and�ask�them�what�their�ideal Sunday�morning�looks�like,

is�excited�to�focus on�finally�sucking�up

to�the�people who�matter�most in�his�life.

Said�Mansbridge...

(EMMA�READING)

"...on�her�favorite�types of�cereal."

The�National has�not�announced a�replacement,

but�former CBC�Radio�personality, Shad,

remains�optimistic that�everything�happens for�a�reason.

Is�Canada's health�care�system failing?

A�new�study suggests�the�majority of�wealthy�Canadians

fly�to�the�US to�receive�better�quality homeopathic�medicine.

While�Canadian alternative�health�advocates

believe�they�have�access to�good�quality generic�magic�water,

they�criticize our�holistic�care�centers' exorbitant�wait�times

for�even�simple�procedures like�a�bee-sting�enema to�treat�prostate�cancer.

According�to�the�study,

while�private�American�clinics are�out�of�the�price�range of�the�average�Canadian,

wealthy�Canadians�say it's�hard�to�put�a�price�tag

on�a�toxin-free well-stung�anus.

Faced�with�declining�interest in�hosting�the�Olympic�Games,

the�IOC�is�adopting a�new�selection�process.

Rather�than�weigh competing�bids,

they'll�just�select�a�country,

then�show�up and�announce�the�games are�about�to�start.

The�IOC�is�confident this�will�help�them�bankrupt world-class�locations,

but�some�worry that�cities�won't�have�time to�build�venues,

kick�out�their�homeless, or�design�top-notch�mascots.

All�countries�will�be�enrolled in�this�new�Olympic�draft,

but�it�is�possible�to�avoid having�to�host�the�Olympics

by�paying�the�IOC a�200-million-dollar "please,�no"�fee.

War�veterans.

Sometimes�it's�hard to�properly�thank�people

who�fought�for�that�mistake your�country�made.

But�in�the�United�States a�new�government�program may�bring�relief.

Our�own�Miguel�Rivas�reports.

The�Bipartisan "Jobs�for�Veterans�Bill"

promises�to�put�an�end to�veteran�unemployment

by�giving�each of�the�United�States

495,000�out-of-work�veterans a�career�as�a�prop in�political�campaign�ads.

Uh,�right�here?

(CLEARS�THROAT)

Anthony�Morris, I�did�three�tours�in�Fallujah.

I�watched�several�friends�die,

and�I'm�reading for�the�role�of

"Veteran�Who�Doesn't Need�Mental�Health�Funding" Number�3?

Number�3.

It's�cool.

MIGUEL:��I�sat�down�with a�former�US�infantryman,

and�one�of�the�first�employed by�the�program.

Well,�you�know, it's�hard�to�hold�down�work,

because�of the�post-traumatic�stress.

But�luckily, for�the�long�election�season,

I've�been�given a�lot�of�chances

to�get�paid�50�bucks to�be�in�a�video.

Well,�that�has�to�be�a�relief.

(CHUCKLING) Well,�sometimes.

It's�hard�to�endorse a�politician

who�says�he's�gonna cut�your�benefits.

But�if�the�guy�does�win,

I'm�gonna�need all�the�money�I�can�get,

so�I�can�afford a�trip�to�the�clinic.

GRIFT:��Hi. I'm�Grift�Sutherland.

And�I�want�you to�re-elect�me as�your�senator.

Let's�keep�those�people�out.

Together.

I'm�a�US�veteran.

And,�uh, I�guess�I�endorse this�message.

Otherwise,�I�won't�be�able to�give�my�daughter Christmas�this�year.

Her�present�was�medication.

We�done?

GRIFT: Paid�for�by�the�committee to�elect�Grift�Sutherland

and�re-invade�Vietnam.

Answer�me, God�damn�it!

GRIFT:��Boo-ya!

Following�its�success,

the�Canadian�Department for�Veteran�Affairs

has�also�attempted to�launch�a�similar�program.

However,�it�died�in the�House�of�Commons,

after�it�became�apparent that�it�meant�giving�any�money to�veterans.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

Great�job,�Miguel.

-Just�doing�my�job. -Yeah,�that's�what�I�said.

Last�year, "Game�Developer"�Barbie

encouraged�girls across�the�world

to�pursue�careers in�science�and�technology.

Now,�a�competitor is�introducing a�new�line�of�dolls

to�take�on�other�roles traditionally�dominated by�men.

The�all-new "Boys'�Club"�Wendys.

Includes�popular�versions, like�"Dictator"�Wendy,

"Men's�Rights�Activist"�Wendy,

"Sitting�on�a�Panel�About Women's�Reproductive�Rights" Wendy,

and�"Mass�Shooter"�Wendy.

(GROANS)

Hmm.

NARRATOR: The�invention�of the�ketchup�chip,

a�part�of�our�heritage, since�1974.

That's�a�wrap on�the�87th Heritage�Minute!

NARRATOR: Making�Heritage�Minutes about�our�mundane�history.

A�part�of�our�heritage, since�1991.

Showing Heritage�Minutes in�history�class.

A�part�of�our�heritage, since�work-to-rule.

The�CRTC�is�the�organization responsible�for�ensuring

the�presence�of great�Canadian�content on�our�airwaves,

like�that�one about�the�gas�station.

Ah,��Being�Erica. I�love�it.

Love�it.

And�now,�it's�expanding�its Canadian�content�jurisdiction,

mandating�at�least 35%�local�programing

must�be�aired on�all�of�the�nation's pornography�channels.

For�more, we�sent�Donavon�Stinson�on the�very�important�mission

of�investigating the�porn�industry,

and�the�more�important�task of�getting�millennials to�watch�the�news.

(ROCK�MUSIC�PLAYING)

Pornography,�it's�everywhere,

on�our�computer�screens, our�mobile�devices,

and�in�Canada, on�our�federal bureaucrats'�desks.

Which�begs�the�question,

"Does�our�government have�any�business

"regulating�what�goes�on in�our�bedrooms,

"morning�showers, or�in�American�Apparel dressing�rooms?"

I�spoke�to�CRTC�spokeswoman Regina�Thompson�to�find�out.

If�there's�one�thing the�government should�legislate,

it's�protecting a�place�on�the�dial for�pornography

made�for�Canadians, by�Canadians.

Us�Canadians, we�live�in�a�diverse�country made�up�of�different�folks,

with�a�seemingly�broad set�of�different�strokes.

Who�are�you�to�decide what�constitutes

a�Canadian pornographic�story worth�telling?

-That's�a�good�question. -Thank�you.

I�thought�so,�too.

To�some, it's�an�Albertan�dairymaid getting�gang-stuffed

-by�a�group of�migrant�farm�workers. -(CLEARS�THROAT)

To�others, it's�an�East�Coast�village,

mourning�the�death of�their�men

in�a�sexy mining�accident.

Sexy?�Right.

But�whatever�stories�we�tell,

the�CRTC�believes that�our�screen should�be�a�mirror.

A�mirror�that�reflects that�diversity�back�at�us.

So,�we�can�watch ourselves�masturbate.

DONAVON: But�not�everyone�agrees

the�CRTC�has�Canadians' best�interests�at�heart,

including�the�pornographers the�government�body helps�keep�employed.

The�regulatory�hoops that�we�have�to�jump�through are�crippling�us.

Do�you�know, to�get�a�porn�parody�financed

it�needs�to�be�based on�a�Canadian�film or�television�series?

DONAVON: Dougie�Morningwood�has received�federal�grants�for...

(DONAVON�READING)

Degrassi: The�Next�Penetration.

-Absolutely. -Or��DaVinci's�Incest.

-Both�failures. -To�you.

DONAVON:��Despite�this, he�has�managed to�carve�out�a�niche

in�the�tired�stereotypes and�low�expectations

that�come�along with�Canadian�productions.

-Poutine. -Oh.

You're�falling�way�behind in�AP�Chemistry.

And�this�country�needs more�female�science�graduates

to�compete�in the�21st�century�economy.

(BOTH�MOANING)

I�don't�have�any�money, but�I�have�another�way to�pay�for�the�treatment.

We�have�Universal�Healthcare.

Fill�out�these�forms and�I'll�see�you�back�here in�six�to�nine�months.

(SIGHS)

You�do�realize that�your�entire�industry

is�subsidized by�the�public's�money.

It's�hard�for�people to�feel�bad�for�someone

who's�giving�up something�as�trivial as�creative�control.

We're�not�asking�them�to.

-It's�about�the�CRTC, these�pencil�pushers. -(CLEARS�THROAT)

And�if�we�allow their�fetish�of�the�week that�their�choosing

to�dictate�what�sex�act we�can�capture�on�cam,

how�can�we�call ourselves�artists?

You�can't.

Uh...

Aren't�these�restrictive CanCon�rules

just�another�way for�our�government

to�infringe�on�the�free�speech of�our�nation's�porn�auteurs?

Look,�these�are�the�same complaints�people�made about�Canadian�film�and�TV.

Mmm.

And�you�don't�hear them�complaining�about that�anymore,�do�you?

Hmm.

Thanks�for�all your�hard�work, Donavon.

I�hope�you're�rehydrating.

With�harvesting�season coming�to�a�close,

thousands�of�seasonal�workers are�set�to�return�home

to�Central�America and�the�West�Indies.

To�tell�us�what�happens to�the�people�who�make�up

this�hard-working, under-appreciated�sector of�our�economy

is�migrant�labor�expert Brenda�Phillips.

Hello,�Brenda.

(CHUCKLES) This�is�fun,�thanks.

I'm�glad�someone is�finally�paying�attention to�this�subject.

-No,�no.�Thank�you for�enlightening�us. -Oh.

What�does�this�time�of�year look�like�for�migrant�workers?

Well,�with�their�work done�for�the�season,

mostly�they're�heading south�for�the�winter

in�a�tired,�bitter "V"�pattern.

Wait,�like�ducks?

Yeah,�or�geese, or�any�other migrating�creature.

Did�you�just�call migrant�workers "creatures"?

That's�how�we�treat�them, like�animals.�(CHUCKLES)

Let's�try�and�remember, these�are�people�who�many think�are�being�exploited.

Yes.

But�let's�also�remember that�many�businesses view�them�as�livestock

to�house in�deplorable�conditions,

and�use�as�beasts�of�burden.

Can�we�avoid these�animal�allusions

and�stick�with the�word�"people".

People�of�burden.

-Just�"people". -Yeah.

Well,�agribusiness doesn't�really�want

you�thinking�of�them as�people.

Because�if�you call�them�"people",

you�have�to�start treating�them�like�people,

and�that�can�get pretty�expensive.

EMMA:�Hey.

Well,�could�you tell�us�a�little�bit

about�their�return�to their�countries�of�origin?

Mmm. It's�a�dangerous�journey.

Sore�and�weak from�their�months�of back-breaking�labor,

they�are�vulnerable to�predators,

like�recruiters who�take�part�of�their�wages

for�finding�them these�shitty�jobs.

What?

So,�we�have�a�group coming�and�contributing to�the�economy,

supporting�our�farms and�factories

in�a�country that�prides�itself�on�its immigration�policies.

-Mmm-hmm. -Why�can't�they�stay?

Because�then�they'd�have to�become�citizens,

and�then�they'd�get employment�insurance, and�minimum�wage.

And,�whoa, all�of�a�sudden

you're�looking�at a�50-cent�apple.

That�doesn't�seem that�expensive.

Migrant�workers are�part�of�the�great�circle of�commerce.

We�get�important�labor done�cheaply.

Who�cares�how?

-Okay. Thanks,�Brenda. -Yeah.

This�is�outrageous, I'm�going�to�write a�letter�to�my�MP.

-No,�you're�not. -I�might.

When�we�return, find�out�once�and�for�all who�has�the�strongest�dad.

It's�not�me that's�for�sure.

That's�for�sure.

In�Northern�Ontario�this�week,

a�First�Nations�group broke�ground�on their�casino�expansion,

only�to�discover an�ancient�white burial�ground.

Our�own�Aisha�Alfa�has�more.

AISHA:��When�developers of�the�Chippewa�Nation

began�excavation for�their�casino,

they�were�shocked to�unearth�the�remains

of�an�unmarked Caucasian�burial�ground.

Frustrated�by�the�delay,

the�First�Nations�group must�now�consult with�John�Woodrow,

a�renowned paranormal�investigator,

who�has�spent�years studying�the�mysticism�of white�North�Americans.

The�red�tape is�the�least�of�their�issues.

I'm�far�more�concerned with�how�they�angered the�spirits.

AISHA:��Armed�with�his white-ghost�hunting�tools,

an�EMF�reader,�Frisbee,

and�a�petition�to�keep a�local,�independent bookstore�open.

John�Woodrow�set�out�to�find these�incorporeal�forms,

and�help�them�complete their�unfinished�business.

(SNIFFS)

He�couldn't�have�come at�a�better�time.

JOHN:��Strange�and�terrifying happenings�have�been reported�in�the�region.

On�an�ordinary�day, just�past�the�brunching�hour,

Eggs�Benedict mysteriously�disappearing

and�nothing�left, but�a�really�bad�tip.

Unattended�MacBook�Pros,

posting�think-pieces about�how�all�lives�matter on�local�Facebook�pages,

seemingly�all�on�their�own.

We�must�appease these�white�spirits by�giving�them�tributes

that�are�sacred to�their�white�culture.

-Taylor�Swift. -Birkenstocks.

Mumford�&�Sons.

Starbucks.

AISHA: Following�Woodrow's�advice,

the�casino�is�comping�tickets for�an�upcoming Jerry�Seinfeld�show.

There�are�also talks�of�adding farmer's�market�stalls

along�the�spiritual�ley�lines in�the�lobby.

Only�time�will�tell if�these�measures can�placate�the�spirits,

and�this�wealthy First�Nations�developer

can�finally�get�back to�business.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.

Justin�Trudeau's political�honeymoon appears�to�be�over,

with�even�his�supporters now�urging�the�Prime�Minister

to�spend�less�time making�high-profile public�appearances,

and�more�time�fulfilling his�various�campaign�promises.

The�outcry�is the�subject�of�tonight's point/counterpoint.

"Is�Canada�too�needy for�Justin�Trudeau?"

Mmm,�no�it's�not.

Really,�Miguel?

Have�you�heard�Canada�lately?

"When�are�you�gonna fix�the�economy?

"Where's�our�electoral�reform?

"What�about�all�those promises�you�made�about First�Nations�communities?"

Ugh,�they�sound�like my�boyfriend's�wife.

No.�No,�what�I'm�saying is�there's�nothing�needy

about�holding our�elected�officials accountable.

Nevertheless, if�I�had�a�chance,�okay,

to�say, hang�out�with�Bono

over�going�home to�my�gross, nagging�country

that�can't�get its�shit�together,

I'm�pretty�sure, I�know�where�I'm�going. (LAUGHS)

Well,�that's�what we�elected�him�for.

No.

No,�Miguel.

We�elected�him because�he's�a�hard�10.

And�what's�Canada, a�seven?

Okay.

Admittedly,�we�are�punching above�our�weight,�okay.

That's�true,�I'll�admit�that.

But�that�doesn't change�the�fact that�Justin�Trudeau

has�failed to�re-institute�pensions for�injured�veterans.

He's�failed to�connect�with all�sorts...

Do�you�see, that�is�exactly�the�thing

that's�gonna�push Justin�away.

You�know,�he�could�be the�prime�minister

-of�any�country he�wants,�right? -No.

No.

I�told�you,�that's�not how�democracy�works.

Which�is�why we�need�electoral�reform.

Which�I'm�sure he�will�get�around�to if�he's�not�too�busy.

No�pressure, we�are�easy�breezy.

I'm�so�chill.

Up�for�anything�or�nothing. (CHUCKLES)

We'll�be�right�back.

-He's�not�listening�right�now. -Whatever,�I�don't�care.

Climate�change is�on�all�of�our�minds.

A�new�study�suggests the�point�of�no�return

for�Global�Warming was�five�minutes�ago.

To�talk�about what�this�means is�Oliver�Mathis,

a�climatologist from�Environment�Canada.

Laura�Cilevitz, The�Beaverton's financial�expert,

and�a�former�lobbyist for�the�coal�industry.

And�Sumon�Dutta, a�Bangladeshi�man

whose�village was�just�flooded.

Thank�you�all so�much�for�being�here�today.

Thank�you�for�having�us,�Emma.

This�new�report is�just�nothing�more�than scientific�mumbo�jumbo

being�used�to�attack Canada's�resource�industry.

Oliver, would�you�care to�rebut?

You�can't�honestly�believe that�climate�change isn't�real,�Laura.

Greenhouse�gases�are�having a�catastrophic�affect

on�our�ability�to�survive the�coming�centuries.

Interesting�point.

Sumon,�what's�your�take?

I�mean...

He�may�have�got you�there,�Laura.

How�can�we�even�sit and�have�this�debate

when�sea�levels�are�wiping�out coastal�communities?

This�is�literally happening�right�now.

I�have�been�wet�for�weeks.

So,�sorry,�you�think climate�change�is�real?

Okay,�to�be�clear, the�story�of�his�village being�washed�away

is�just�Sumon's�opinion, not�fact.

Look, all�the�negativity�surrounding the�climate�change�debate

is�what�we in�the�lobby�industry�call "a�real�bummer".

And�I�have�a�different question�for�you.

What�if�climate�change deniers�were�right?

Then�we�wouldn't�need�to�alter any�of�our�behaviors.

-You�make�a�strong�point. -No,�she�doesn't!

We�need�to�examine the�economic and�political�reality

of�the�situation.

That�seems�complicated.

You're�absolutely�right.

Nothing�can�be�done.

These�affects are�irreversible.

This�is�why the�world's�climate�scientists

are�currently�shifting their�focus�away from�solar�power,

and�into�building a�time�machine

that�we�will�use�to�stop the�industrial�revolution.

It's�the�only�way.

Well,�there's�just one�little�problem with�that,�Oliver.

Who�is�going�to�pay for�a�time�machine?

What�about�the�human�cost?

You�don't pay�for�time�machines with�humans,�Sumon.

Would�you�like to�elaborate,�Sumon?

We�need�a�worldwide�effort to�help�reverse�the�effects of�climate�change.

We�all�have�to�pitch�in and�sacrifice.

Stop�driving�cars. Stop�eating�meat.

It's�simple.

Wow.

That�is�way�too�far.

Now,�about�that�time�machine.

Unfortunately, we're�out�of�time.

Well,�you�know what�would�solve�that.

Thank�you,�panel.

We�look�forward to�having�them�back next�week

to�discuss�whether the�Earth�is�round,�flat, or�other.

Statistics�Canada has�announced

that�the�most�popular Canadian�baby�names in�2016

are�Bell�and�Rogers.

After�buying�and�renaming every�stadium�in�the�country,

the�nation's two�telecommunications�giants

have�now�snapped�up the�naming�rights

for�each�of�the�country's 390,000�newborns.

In�exchange,�parents will�receive�two�months of�unlimited�data.

The�nation's�teachers admit�it�will�be�a�problem

differentiating�between so�many�identically-named children,

but�not�as�big�a�problem

as�stopping�them from�bullying�the�one�kid named�Koodo.

Finally, before�we�sign�off for�the�night,

I'd�like�to�share�something a�little�more�personal.

Snooze.

None�of�our�regular�viewers, nor�any�of�my�esteemed co-workers�noticed,

but�to�show�how�differently men�and�women�in�the�media are�treated,

for�the�past�three�months,

I've�been�wearing the�same�suit every�single�day.

You�know, the�expectations are�unfair...

That's�why you've�been�doing�it.

This�may�come�as�a�shock... Wait,�what?

Miguel,�we�all�knew. You�smell�terrible.

You�smell�like�a�urinal at�an�asparagus�convention.

My�point�is, the�scrutiny�that�we�put on�female�appearance...

You�smell�like�a�sick�horse.

-As�a�feminist... -You�smell�like�a�mop at�a�strip�club.

I�just�wanted�to�tell�you how�women�in�the�media�feel...

LAURA:�Hi,�so�sorry.

Laura,�did�you�know what�was�going�on?

Absolutely.

It's�very�clear, you�were�trying�to�show the�body�shaming

women�in�the�media�face by�getting�progressively fatter.

-Oh,�yeah. -Nice.

Now�I�get�it,�yeah. That�suit�is�looking a�little�snug.

Well,�thank�you,�Miguel. That�is�a�very�solid�point. That's�sweet.

Actually,�I�was�trying to�make�a�point�about�men's and�women's�fashion.

The�weight�gain is�just�sort�of�life, you�know?

Oh,�well, maybe�you�should�lay�off those�peanut�M&M's

you�love�so�much, huh,�toots?

-"Toots"? -LAURA:�Yeah.

I�mean,�you�know you're�not�supposed to�eat�popcorn

and�chardonnay for�every�meal, right?

I�just�wanted�to�make a�social�commentary.

Well,�now�you�know how�we�feel.

That's�it�for�tonight.

Join�us�tomorrow when�we�dare�to�ask,

are�martial�arts too�dangerous�for�children?

One�six-year-old claims�to�have�killed�over 1,000�ninjas�using�karate.

(BOTH�ARGUING�INDISTINCTLY)

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