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Police�warn�consumers of�counterfeit Canada�Goose�jackets
stuffed�with�old Hudson�Bay�jackets.
MIGUEL: Legendary�hip-hop�artist Dr.�Dre�is�under�fire
for�releasing�an�album that�allegedly�respects�women.
EMMA:��And�our�financial�expert will�teach�you�how to�pay�down�debt
by�selling�your�body�parts on�the�black�market.
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton.
Canada's�most�anecdotal source�of�facts.
I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�Emma�Hunter.
Follow�me�on Twitter,�Instagram and�Christian�Mingle.
Our�top�story. The�Department�of National�Defense
is�denying�Canada committed�war�crimes
when�it�handed�prisoners over�to�local�authorities during�the�Afghan�War,
noting�the�captives�were, quote,�"Probably tortured�humanely."
In�a�statement,�a�spokesperson for�the�Ministry�said...
(READING)
The�spokesman�did�admit�that Canada�had�no�way�of�knowing
for�sure�what�happened following�the�hand-offs,
as�plausible�deniability is�an�essential�component of�playing
"Good�Captor/Bad�Captor."
To�the�Arctic.
Home�to�pristine�wilderness and�Santa's�garish Christmas-themed�mansion.
But�just�who�exactly owns�the�Arctic
and�the�rights�to�ruin�it by�extracting�its�resources?
Canadian�officials�believe our�border�extends�all�the�way to�the�North�Pole,
thanks�to�the�presence of�Inuit�communities that�suddenly�matter.
However,�Russia�has also�made�a�claim�that their�border�extends
to�the�North�Pole�and�then south�again into�eastern�Europe,
and�also�the�rest�of�Europe.
Of�course, no�matter�who�wins�out,
the�big�loser�remains Santa's�beleaguered�army of�diminutive�gift-slaves.
Now�let's�go�to�Syria, where�Marilla�Wex reports�on�ISIS
and�the�one�woman they�won't�oppress, Mother�Nature.
ISIS�is�thought�to�be the�largest�threat to�world�order.
But�what's�most-shocking about�them
isn't�the�possibility of�military�encroachment,
or�an�unpredictable terrorist�attack.
(SHOTS�FIRING)
Rather,�it's�their�newfound commitment�to�end�their dependence�on�oil.
According�to military�intelligence,
ISIS�is�undertaking an�aggressive�maneuver to�Go�Green.
I�sat�down�with�Cabinet�Member Abdur�Rahmaan�Jaboour,
to�discuss�some of�ISIS'�lesser-known environmental�initiatives.
We�reject�the�ideology of�Western�culture,
which�means�we are�very�concerned about�climate�change.
Do�you�think�ISIS�can�actually follow�through�on�their�bold
"Fossil�Free�Before�End�Times" commitment?
There's�nothing�the�infidels can�do�to�stop�us.
It�has�already�begun.
Indeed,�Abdur�has�outfitted all�of�his�wives�in�niqabs made�from�hemp,
converted�his�gun�runners from�Hummers�to�hybrid�sedans,
and�now�electrocutes the�testicles�of�all�his�POWs using�a�lithium-ion�battery.
Best�of�all,�I�telecommute to�my�job�twice�a�week.
You�can�always�order the�execution�of�journalists
from�the�comfort of�your�bunker.
Exactly.
I�reject�the�Western�notion of�the�40-hour�work�week.
It's�all�about�balance.
Public�response�has been�surprisingly�positive.
Many�point�out�that the�largest�contributor
to�climate�change is�overpopulation.
By�killing�so�many,
ISIS�has�truly been�going�green since�its�inception.
What�good is�a�global�caliphate�if�you don't�have�a�globe?
How,�may�I�ask, does�the�bombing of�historical�sites
such�as�the�Al-Madina�Souq in�Allepo�offset�your carbon�footprint?
Look,�I�love a�farmer's�market as�much�as�the�next�man.
But�Northwest�Syria has�the�best topographical�conditions
for�wind�and�solar�farms in�all�the�Levant.
MARILLA: No�one�said�the�transition
away�from�fossil�fuels would�be�easy.
But�perhaps�if�the�West was�as�forward-thinking as�Islamic�fundamentalists,
we�would�all�be�living a�more�sustainable�lifestyle.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Marilla�Wex.
Thanks�Marilla.�Miggles?
Let's�not�start with�that�one�again.
The�Canadian�Government is�finally�putting�money
into�the�creation and�development of�Canadian�artists.
A�100�million�dollar�grant will�be�used�to�locate
promising�young�writers, painters�and�film�makers,
then�systematically�inflict tragedy�upon�them, and�those�they�love.
The�Canadian�Council for�the�Arts�noted
that�the�best�art�is�borne of�tragic�circumstances
and�advised�that by�creating�a�generation of�destitute�artists,
they�hope�they�will never�have�to�fund Canadian�art�again.
For�some�lucky�artists, their�entire�families will�be�given�tuberculosis.
For�others,�their�fathers will�be�bribed�to�say
they�have�something important�to�tell�them,
and�then�disappear forever.
And�the�most�promising�will�be moved�to�a�secure�community,
where�they�will�get�to�live just�like�a�19th�century Irish�orphan.
When�we�come�back, we'll�take�a�look�at the�slave�labor�issues
plaguing�the�shrimp�industry in�Thailand.
But�first,�Red�Lobster's endless�shrimp�special's�back!
It's�shrimpier�than�ever!
I�love�their�lobster, it's�fun�there...
Yeah,�you�probably�shouldn't talk�about�slave�labor
and�then�go�on�to�say you�like...
EMMA:�They're�hot.
DOCTOR: Mr.�Johnson,�your�test results�just�came�in.
DOCTOR: Are�you�sitting�down?
MR.�JOHNSON:�Yes�doctor, what�is?
DOCTOR: Well�I'm�noto say�this..
According�to�the�numbers you�are�uh...
MR.�JOHNSON: I'm�what�doctor?
DOCTOR:�You're�a...You're�a white�male.
MR.�JOHNSON: A�white�male?�Are you�sure?
DOCTOR:�Congratulations.
MR.�JOHNSON:�I�can't believe�it!�I'm�a�white male!�I'm�a�white�male!
MR.�JOHNSON:�Hey,�Doctor? DOCTOR:�Yes,�Mr.�Johnson?
MR.�JOHNSON:�One�last�question. Now�that�I�know�I'm�a�white�male
is�there�something�I should�be�doing?
DOCTOR:�That's�the�thing�Mr. Johnson,�you�can�do�anything�you want.
(WOMAN�READING)
The�Ontario�Liberal sex-ed�curriculum
is�either�a�good�idea or�terrible�one,
depending�on�whether you�ask�your�uncle, or�your�cool�uncle.
For�more,�here's�our own�Aisha�Alfa.
AISHA:��Protests�over the�sex-ed�curriculum
have�put�the�Ontario�Liberals in�an�untenable�position
for�this�centrist�government,
needing�to�balance progressive�policy with�cultural�sensitivity.
But�after�two�years of�back-peddling and�stalling,
the�Liberals�are finally�taking�action on�the�controversy,
by�not�taking�a�position.
Kathleen�Wynne's�government is�now�attempting�to�appeal
to�every�possible�opinion by�letting�each�school in�the�province
choose�their�own sex-ed�adventure.
The�proposed�sex-ed�policies of�this�province�just�do�not align�with�the�traditional,
Anglo-Saxon�Protestant�values of�this�community.
I�see�your�curriculum�starts with�Chapter�One, "Ask�Your�Father."
And�continues with�Chapter�Two, "No.�Ask�Your�Mother."
That's�right.
How�does�dancing around�the�issue educate�anyone?
Well,�we�eventually�cover�more ground�in�Chapter�Nine, "Ask�Your�Father's�Mistress."
But�while�some�believe�the Liberal�policy�goes�too�far,
others�think�it�doesn't go�far�enough.
Children�are�much�more aware�these�days than�their�parents�realize.
Which�is�why�we�start�exposing them�to�these�concepts as�early�as�possible.
So,�our�pre-K�and�our�day-care programs�start�with
foundational�sexual�anatomy during�independent�play.
Even�the�most�progressive educational�advocates might�think�that
teaching�pegging in�kindergarten is�a�bit�much.
At�Precious�Snowflake, we�believe�in�what's�called "self-guided�learning."
And�our�primary�students�keep demanding�that�we�teach
the�intricacies of�role�reversal anal�sex�play.
But�ultimately,�the�Liberal's undoing�on�this�issue
has�been�the�response of�religious�and�ethnic minority�groups
who�feel�betrayed�by�the�party they�elected�into�power.
Many�of�the�parents�in�our district�are�uncomfortable
with�the�word�"sex"�appearing in�schools�at�all.
In�fact,�they�would�prefer
if�we�removed asexual�reproduction�from the�science�textbooks.
So,�what�does�a�non-sexual sex�ed�lesson�plan�look�like?
Well,�to�my�constituents, sex�only�happens after�marriage.
But�there�is�a�lot�of education�needed to�plan�that�wedding.
While�education�experts�insist these�are�terrible, terrible�ideas,
the�individuals who�created their�own�curriculums
were�more�than�happy�to�share their�favorite�lessons with�me.
It�is�very�important�to�know the�proper�technique.
By�pinching�the�bottom, you�can�much�more�easily unpeel�the�banana.
Now,�never�forget the�importance�of�ball�play
during�oral or�anal�intercourse, my�darlings.
Okay?�Ooh.
As�they�travel�through these�two�pathways,
please�ensure�there�is�no bottlenecking�in�the�line-up for�the�buffet.
Well,�that�just�makes�sense.
She�knows.
All�right�now,�leverage�and insertion�angles�are�key
for�successfully�engaging in�safe�group�sex. Okay?
I'm�gonna�need�a�volunteer for�this�one. Young�lady?
Yeah,�I'm�gonna�sit�this one�out.
To�address�the�stigma of�teen�pregnancy,
here's�how�to�treat�your unwanted�bastard as�your�much�younger�sibling.
You�want�to�use circular�tables
for�the�wedding�party, never�square.
They�seat�more�and�everybody has�easy�access�to�the�bread and�condiments�in�the�middle.
Now,�pretend�role�play is�critical�for developing�a�sense
of�imagination�and�defined boundaries.
Now,�here's�the�first�thing middle�schoolers�need�to�know about�sadomasochism...
And�that�is�a�natural�place for�us�to�stop,�okay?
-Excuse�me. -Okay,�you�just�zip�it.
(CLEARS�THROAT)
Despite�everyone�getting�their own�way,
parents�are�still�threatening to�boycott�the�lessons altogether.
As�it�turns�out, what�protestors care�about�most
is�mandating�their�views on�other�communities.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.
Thanks,�Aisha.
You�know,�regardless�of�who teaches�them,�I�hope�these kids�have�wonderful�sex.
With�each�other.
-Okay... -I�mean�with�adults.
When�they're�adults! Years�from�now. Not�right�now.
I�can't.
The�loonie�dropped to�a�20�year�low�this�week,
now�sitting�at�approximately half�the�value�of a�Canadian�Tire�dollar.
To�help�explain�what�this means�for�your�wallet,
we�go�to�our�financial�expert, Laura�Cilevitz.
Thanks,�Emma.
There's�been�a�frenzy of�activity�today�as�investors across�the�country
rifle�through their�junk�drawers�for Canadian�Tire�dollars.
Financial�analysts�say they�haven't�seen anything�like�it
since�the Great�Barbecue�Blowout�of�'98.
Is�there�a�chance the�Canadian�Tire�dollar becomes�our�national�currency?
Not�necessarily.
Other�strong contenders�include Scotiabank�Scene�points,
Aeroplan�miles,
and�unrolled roll-up-the-rim�cups.
But�for�now,�Bay�Street is�bullish�on Canadian�Tire�dollars.
I'm�curious�Laura.
Is�there�something about�Canadian�Tire�dollars in�particular
that�allow�them�to�maintain their�value?
Canadian�Tire�sells�a�variety of�products�all�year�round.
In�the�summer�it's patio�furniture,�lighter�fluid and�camping�lingerie.
But�in�the�winter�they�pivot into�winter�tires
and�Canadian�Tire-brand mulled�wine.
And�that's�how�the�currency keeps�stable.
So,�by�diversifying into�a�variety�of�industries, they�have�ostensibly�protected
their�economic�interests if�one�of�them, say,�motor�oil,�fails.
Exactly.�Could�you�imagine tying�your�entire economic�future
to�a�single�product like�oil?
It�would�be�astoundingly short-sighted.
The�point�is,�government backed�currencies�are�out
and�consumer loyalty�programs�are�in.
Well,�you�heard�it�here first,�folks, burn�all�your�money.
Thank�you,�Laura.
Up�next, Portuguese�people�seem to�be�celebrating�something.
Find�out�what�after�the�break.
(BOTH�ARGUING)
Coming�up�later.
EMMA:��The�NYPD�is�replacing its�controversial
Stop�and�Frisk�program
with�the�more�efficient Point�and�Shoot.
MIGUEL:��A�royal�flap�at Buckingham�Palace,
as�Prince�William�finds himself�embroiled in�a�nepotism�scandal.
EMMA:��We'll�tell�you�the�best dumb�names�to�name your�stupid�baby.
Canadian�tech�firm,�Nerudine, is�promising�to�build
the�world's�first working�hyper�loop
between�Montreal�and�Toronto.
A�feat�it�says�is�possible because�the�train only�has�to�go
from�Montreal�to�Toronto.
Montrealers�are�already calling�the�unidirectional hyper�loop,�a�game-changer.
Making�it�easier�than�ever
to�abandon their�dumpster�fire�of�a�city,
for�a�place�with�an actual�future.
Mayor�Denis�Coderre interrupted�his�third�lunch of�the�day
to�praise�the�design, calling�it...
(READING)
Now�on�to�the�human hyper�loop,�blood.
Our�own�Donavon�Stinson reports�on Canadian�Blood�Services
and�their�policy�of�rejecting many�would�be�blood�donors.
(INDISTINCT)
Blood,�is�it�really�in�you to�give?
Not�if�you're�considered a�"high�risk"�donor�by Canadian�Blood�Services.
And�when�my�own�blood was�rejected�for�donation,
I�had�to�go�to CBS�headquarters, to�find�out�why.
Okay,�so�there�are�many reasons�a�donation�would�be rejected.
So,�let's�have�a�look at�your�application.
Of�course,�yeah. As�I'm�sure�you're�aware of�my�work,
I�included�the�time�that I�traded�leeches�with�my segment�producer,
the�2014�raccoon�bite, and�last�year's�on-camera testicle�piercing�gone�awry.
Was�any�of�that�flagged?
Given�the�timing�of�those activities,�they�are�all acceptable�risks.
Oh,�and�I�also�shared�needles with�a�chimp�for�a�segment�on primate�fentanyl�addiction.
-Also�fine.�Yeah. -Really?
Okay,�then�why�was�I�rejected?
Ah!�Well,�you�told�us�that you�had�sex�with�a�man in�the�last�year?
Yep.
And�it's�the�position�of Canadian�Blood�Services
to�not�allow�sexually active�gay�men...
Or�fluid. I�should�point�that�out to�my�female�viewers.
To�donate�blood.
Okay.�So, what�you're�saying�then
is�that�they need�to�be�in�a monogamous�relationship?
No,�they�need�to�have�not had�sex�with�anyone.
Unless�it's�a�woman.
What�if�it's really�boring�sex?
-Not�even. -What�if�they�just�watched?
That's�fine.
What�if�they wrestled�a�naked�man
like�the�Ancient�Greeks used�to�do?
-Sure. -And�what�if,�while
wrestling�said�naked�man, it�slipped�in for�just�a�second?
-Nope. -Just�the�tip?
Not�even.
And�the�reason�for�this�is that�you�assume�gay�men�have higher�exposure�to�HIV?
No,�no,�no.�This�has�nothing to�do�with�HIV.
There's�a�very simple�test�for�it
and�all�donations are�screened�for�it�anyway.
Okay.
Then�why?
Simple.�It�is�the�belief�of Canadian�Blood�Services
that�giving�recipients the�"gay�blood"�will,�in�fact, turn�them�"gay."
Where�did�you�go�to medical�school?
It's�a�country�that no�longer�exists.
Southeast�Timor.
-Can�I�get�that�back? -Yeah,�absolutely.
DONAVON: I�couldn't�believe�what�I'd heard�from�Dr.�Thornbury.
But�he�did�assure�me�that�they were�making�progress.
After�all,�they�recently cut�down�the�ban�on�sexually active�gay�men
from�five�years�to�one�year after�they�determined
it�only�takes�300�days for�"gay�blood�cells" to�"die�out."
For��The�Beaverton, Donavon�Stinson,�signing�off.
Thanks,�Donovan.
For�some,�like�Miguel, being�a�new�parent�can�be completely�overwhelming.
Fortunately,�there's�dads like�these�guys who�can�help�us�out.
Thank�you�for�that�stirring vote�of�confidence,�Emma.
I'd�just�like�to�point�out that�I'm�not�actually having�any...
Hi,�I'm�Pat�Dussault, professional�father�of�three
and�founder�of�the�hit�blog, The�Walking�Dad.
-Miguel,�you're�doing�great. -Thanks.
Miguel,�this�must�be�very difficult�for�you.
I�don't�know�why�everyone thinks�I'm�having such�a�hard�time.
I've�actually�enjoyed my�first�two�months of�fatherhood.
Still,�it�can't�be�easy rushing�back�to�work like�this.
Is�this�the�first�show since�the�baby�was�born?
No,�I've�actually�been�back for�weeks.
Oh. Well,�that's�a... choice.
Well,�my�wife�and�I�share responsibilities,�so...
Oh,�well,�speaking�of part-time�parents, Justin�Trudeau.
Seems�like�a�nice�fella,
but�can�he�really�be a�good�Prime�Minister and�a�great�dad?
Uh...�Look,�I�get�it. He�wants�to�have�it�all.
But�he�can't�always�be out�gallivanting�with Angela�Merkel,�okay?
If�it�were�up�to�me, I'd�rather�be�at�home with�my�little�ones,
and�turn�on�the�TV�and�see what�Ryder
and�his�team�of�pups are�up�to�on��Paw�Patrol.
(SIGHS) Amen�to�that,�brother.
If�you�ask�me,�you�gotta�be more�concerned�with�your
own�child's�development than�the�developing�world.
Absolutely. But�it�is�important�to�keep a�good�work-life�balance.
You�know,�I'm�able�to�keep�up with�my�Etsy�crafting�and�make a�family�meal�every�day.
But�I'm�lucky, my�children�are�advanced.
It�kind�of�feels�like�you�guys are�mom�shaming the�Prime�Minister.
Uh,�that's�impossible,�Miguel, because�we're�dads.
Still,�do�we�even�know where�Justin�stands�on�the key�issues,�like�co-sleeping?
And�what�about�swaddling, sleep�training,�cloth�diapers?
Who's�getting�up�to�give the�midnight�feeding?
That's�something�I�can relate�to.
Sometimes�my�daughter won't�take�a�bottle.
I'm�sorry,�you�give�your two-month�old�a�bottle?
Ugh.
Guys,�I'm�just going�to�say�it.
It�kinda�feels�like you're�holding�dads up�to�an�impossible�standard.
I'm�sorry,�what�do�you�expect? We're�two�upper�middle�class
white�guys talking�about�parenting.
I�thought�you�guys�were�here to�give�advice�to�new�parents.
Do�you�have any�practical�tips?
Oh,�yeah,�absolutely. Uh,�you�know...
Stay�calm,�always�pay your�nanny�under�the�table.
And�most�importantly, during�nap�time,�choose�the liquor�that's�right�for�you.
Oh,�yeah.�Self-medicating is�really�important.
This�is�a�Manhattan, straight-up.
Seriously? You�drink�when�you're�at�home with�your�children?
Okay.�Well,�now�who's mom�shaming?
Thanks�so�much,�Pat�and�Kurt.
I'm�sure�your�kids�will�not resent�you�at�all.
Back�to�you,�Emma.
Later�this�hour, an�entirely�different�show.
(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)
Breaking�news, Governor�General David�Johnston�collapsed
during�an�opening�ceremony for�a�new�library.
Doctors�say�it�was�the�result of�exhaustion,�brought�on by�his�grueling�schedule
of�doing�whatever�it�is the�governor�general�does.
According�to Johnston's�doctor...
(READING)
...in�between representing�Canada,
bringing�Canadians�together, and,�um,�visiting�places, I�guess?
In�related�news,�all 105�members�of�the�senate
are�taking�a�personal�health day�after�coming�down with�a�bad�case
of��Cirque�De�Soleil�tickets.
To�conclude�tonight, we'd�like�to�correct a�few�errors
from�last�week's�broadcast.
I�referred�to Mohamed�Taha�Siala
as�the�Libyan�Minister of�the�Interior.
He�is,�in�fact, the�Minister�of Foreign�Affairs.
I�regret�the�error.
-Big�screw�up,�Miguel. -I�know.
Last�week,�I�incorrectly reported�that�a�series of�break-ins,
featuring�devoured�leftovers, gnawed�furniture�and clawed�mattresses,
was�the�work�of�one Maureen�Pfeffer.
It�turns�out�that�this�was done�by�a�wolf.
A�pack�of�wolves, to�be�specific.
I�regret�the�error.
Maureen�Pfeffer?
Don't�you�have�a�neighbor named�Maureen�Pfeffer?
I�have�a�lot�of�neighbors, Miguel.
Fair�enough.
I�reported�that�the�best�album of�all�time�was Take�Care�by�Drake.
However,�I�re-listened to��Views�last�night, and�I�now�know
that�I�made a�monumental�mistake.
Last�week,�in�my�on-going coverage�of�"Maureen-gate",
I�publicized�Ms.�Pfeffer's e-mail�address,�password and�phone�number.
Yes,�that's�the�one.
That's�the�information I�should�not�have�shared during�the�segment
where�I�reported�she�was disturbing�the�peace with�her�howling.
Turns�out�that�was�again the�large�pack of�arctic�gray�wolves.
Yeah,�Maureen.
Wasn't�she�the�one�you�had some�sort�of�property�dispute with?
Her�tree�was�growing�over your�property�line or�something?
Yeah,�it�was four�feet,�Miguel!
My�hot�tub�is�full of�crab�apples.
Lastly,�I'd�like�to�apologize for�personally�going�to Maureen's�home
and�accusing�her�of�mauling those�two�campers�outside Surrey,�B.C.
We�at��The�Beaverton�deeply regret�this�error,
and�hope�Maureen�will�accept our�apology.
Next�week,�after�two�elk�were found�savaged�in�Nunavut,
a�terrified�nation asks�itself,
is�Maureen�at�it�again?
It's�not�journalistically responsible�to�invoke Maureen's...
(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)
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