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1
00:00:03,703 --> 00:00:06,573
Police�warn�consumers
of�counterfeit
Canada�Goose�jackets
2
00:00:06,606 --> 00:00:08,776
stuffed�with�old
Hudson�Bay�jackets.
3
00:00:10,877 --> 00:00:13,947
MIGUEL:
Legendary�hip-hop�artist
Dr.�Dre�is�under�fire
4
00:00:13,980 --> 00:00:17,920
for�releasing�an�album
that�allegedly�respects�women.
5
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:21,121
EMMA:��And�our�financial�expert
will�teach�you�how
to�pay�down�debt
6
00:00:21,154 --> 00:00:23,864
by�selling�your�body�parts
on�the�black�market.
7
00:00:39,939 --> 00:00:41,169
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton.
8
00:00:41,207 --> 00:00:43,637
Canada's�most�anecdotal
source�of�facts.
9
00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:45,006
I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas.
10
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,475
And�I'm�Emma�Hunter.
11
00:00:46,513 --> 00:00:50,423
Follow�me�on
Twitter,�Instagram
and�Christian�Mingle.
12
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:53,190
Our�top�story.
The�Department�of
National�Defense
13
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:55,359
is�denying�Canada
committed�war�crimes
14
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,828
when�it�handed�prisoners
over�to�local�authorities
during�the�Afghan�War,
15
00:00:58,858 --> 00:01:02,428
noting�the�captives�were,
quote,�"Probably
tortured�humanely."
16
00:01:02,462 --> 00:01:05,032
In�a�statement,�a�spokesperson
for�the�Ministry�said...
17
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,195
(READING)
18
00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:12,806
The�spokesman�did�admit�that
Canada�had�no�way�of�knowing
19
00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:15,039
for�sure�what�happened
following�the�hand-offs,
20
00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:18,005
as�plausible�deniability
is�an�essential�component
of�playing
21
00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:20,154
"Good�Captor/Bad�Captor."
22
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,150
To�the�Arctic.
23
00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:25,792
Home�to�pristine�wilderness
and�Santa's�garish
Christmas-themed�mansion.
24
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,949
But�just�who�exactly
owns�the�Arctic
25
00:01:27,987 --> 00:01:31,417
and�the�rights�to�ruin�it
by�extracting�its�resources?
26
00:01:31,458 --> 00:01:35,398
Canadian�officials�believe
our�border�extends�all�the�way
to�the�North�Pole,
27
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:39,628
thanks�to�the�presence
of�Inuit�communities
that�suddenly�matter.
28
00:01:39,666 --> 00:01:42,596
However,�Russia�has
also�made�a�claim�that
their�border�extends
29
00:01:42,635 --> 00:01:46,535
to�the�North�Pole�and�then
south�again
into�eastern�Europe,
30
00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:48,313
and�also�the�rest�of�Europe.
31
00:01:49,375 --> 00:01:51,535
Of�course,
no�matter�who�wins�out,
32
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:56,978
the�big�loser�remains
Santa's�beleaguered�army
of�diminutive�gift-slaves.
33
00:01:57,016 --> 00:02:00,216
Now�let's�go�to�Syria,
where�Marilla�Wex
reports�on�ISIS
34
00:02:00,253 --> 00:02:03,963
and�the�one�woman
they�won't�oppress,
Mother�Nature.
35
00:02:03,990 --> 00:02:07,360
ISIS�is�thought�to�be
the�largest�threat
to�world�order.
36
00:02:07,393 --> 00:02:09,533
But�what's�most-shocking
about�them
37
00:02:09,562 --> 00:02:11,932
isn't�the�possibility
of�military�encroachment,
38
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,965
or�an�unpredictable
terrorist�attack.
39
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,040
(SHOTS�FIRING)
40
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:19,209
Rather,�it's�their�newfound
commitment�to�end�their
dependence�on�oil.
41
00:02:19,239 --> 00:02:21,339
According�to
military�intelligence,
42
00:02:21,374 --> 00:02:25,384
ISIS�is�undertaking
an�aggressive�maneuver
to�Go�Green.
43
00:02:25,411 --> 00:02:28,881
I�sat�down�with�Cabinet�Member
Abdur�Rahmaan�Jaboour,
44
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:33,115
to�discuss�some
of�ISIS'�lesser-known
environmental�initiatives.
45
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,593
We�reject�the�ideology
of�Western�culture,
46
00:02:35,622 --> 00:02:38,292
which�means�we
are�very�concerned
about�climate�change.
47
00:02:38,324 --> 00:02:41,494
Do�you�think�ISIS�can�actually
follow�through�on�their�bold
48
00:02:41,528 --> 00:02:43,898
"Fossil�Free�Before�End�Times"
commitment?
49
00:02:43,930 --> 00:02:46,030
There's�nothing�the�infidels
can�do�to�stop�us.
50
00:02:46,065 --> 00:02:47,965
It�has�already�begun.
51
00:02:48,001 --> 00:02:51,801
Indeed,�Abdur�has�outfitted
all�of�his�wives�in�niqabs
made�from�hemp,
52
00:02:51,838 --> 00:02:55,178
converted�his�gun�runners
from�Hummers�to�hybrid�sedans,
53
00:02:55,208 --> 00:03:02,118
and�now�electrocutes
the�testicles�of�all�his�POWs
using�a�lithium-ion�battery.
54
00:03:02,148 --> 00:03:05,448
Best�of�all,�I�telecommute
to�my�job�twice�a�week.
55
00:03:05,485 --> 00:03:07,685
You�can�always�order
the�execution�of�journalists
56
00:03:07,720 --> 00:03:09,060
from�the�comfort
of�your�bunker.
57
00:03:09,088 --> 00:03:10,558
Exactly.
58
00:03:10,590 --> 00:03:14,830
I�reject�the�Western�notion
of�the�40-hour�work�week.
59
00:03:14,861 --> 00:03:16,931
It's�all�about�balance.
60
00:03:16,963 --> 00:03:19,903
Public�response�has
been�surprisingly�positive.
61
00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,903
Many�point�out�that
the�largest�contributor
62
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:24,265
to�climate�change
is�overpopulation.
63
00:03:24,304 --> 00:03:25,844
By�killing�so�many,
64
00:03:25,872 --> 00:03:29,582
ISIS�has�truly
been�going�green
since�its�inception.
65
00:03:29,609 --> 00:03:35,049
What�good
is�a�global�caliphate�if�you
don't�have�a�globe?
66
00:03:35,081 --> 00:03:37,681
How,�may�I�ask,
does�the�bombing
of�historical�sites
67
00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:41,717
such�as�the�Al-Madina�Souq
in�Allepo�offset�your
carbon�footprint?
68
00:03:41,754 --> 00:03:44,894
Look,�I�love
a�farmer's�market
as�much�as�the�next�man.
69
00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:48,704
But�Northwest�Syria
has�the�best
topographical�conditions
70
00:03:48,728 --> 00:03:51,858
for�wind�and�solar�farms
in�all�the�Levant.
71
00:03:51,898 --> 00:03:53,198
MARILLA:
No�one�said�the�transition
72
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,503
away�from�fossil�fuels
would�be�easy.
73
00:03:55,535 --> 00:03:59,905
But�perhaps�if�the�West
was�as�forward-thinking
as�Islamic�fundamentalists,
74
00:03:59,939 --> 00:04:03,179
we�would�all�be�living
a�more�sustainable�lifestyle.
75
00:04:03,209 --> 00:04:05,479
For��The�Beaverton,
I'm�Marilla�Wex.
76
00:04:06,546 --> 00:04:08,246
Thanks�Marilla.�Miggles?
77
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,720
Let's�not�start
with�that�one�again.
78
00:04:13,753 --> 00:04:15,493
The�Canadian�Government
is�finally�putting�money
79
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:18,091
into�the�creation
and�development
of�Canadian�artists.
80
00:04:18,124 --> 00:04:20,694
A�100�million�dollar�grant
will�be�used�to�locate
81
00:04:20,727 --> 00:04:23,227
promising�young�writers,
painters�and�film�makers,
82
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:27,333
then�systematically�inflict
tragedy�upon�them,
and�those�they�love.
83
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:29,137
The�Canadian�Council
for�the�Arts�noted
84
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:31,938
that�the�best�art�is�borne
of�tragic�circumstances
85
00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:35,141
and�advised�that
by�creating�a�generation
of�destitute�artists,
86
00:04:35,174 --> 00:04:38,754
they�hope�they�will
never�have�to�fund
Canadian�art�again.
87
00:04:38,778 --> 00:04:42,648
For�some�lucky�artists,
their�entire�families
will�be�given�tuberculosis.
88
00:04:42,682 --> 00:04:44,652
For�others,�their�fathers
will�be�bribed�to�say
89
00:04:44,684 --> 00:04:46,224
they�have�something
important�to�tell�them,
90
00:04:46,252 --> 00:04:48,192
and�then�disappear
forever.
91
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:51,021
And�the�most�promising�will�be
moved�to�a�secure�community,
92
00:04:51,057 --> 00:04:55,597
where�they�will�get�to�live
just�like�a�19th�century
Irish�orphan.
93
00:04:55,628 --> 00:04:58,628
When�we�come�back,
we'll�take�a�look�at
the�slave�labor�issues
94
00:04:58,665 --> 00:05:01,625
plaguing�the�shrimp�industry
in�Thailand.
95
00:05:01,668 --> 00:05:05,068
But�first,�Red�Lobster's
endless�shrimp�special's�back!
96
00:05:05,104 --> 00:05:07,414
It's�shrimpier�than�ever!
97
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:08,840
I�love�their�lobster,
it's�fun�there...
98
00:05:08,875 --> 00:05:10,305
Yeah,�you�probably�shouldn't
talk�about�slave�labor
99
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:11,713
and�then�go�on�to�say
you�like...
100
00:05:11,744 --> 00:05:12,754
EMMA:�They're�hot.
101
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:19,616
DOCTOR:
Mr.�Johnson,�your�test
results�just�came�in.
102
00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:21,792
DOCTOR:
Are�you�sitting�down?
103
00:05:21,821 --> 00:05:23,521
MR.�JOHNSON:�Yes�doctor,
what�is?
104
00:05:23,556 --> 00:05:25,586
DOCTOR:
Well�I'm�noto
say�this..
105
00:05:25,625 --> 00:05:27,125
According�to�the�numbers
you�are�uh...
106
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,800
MR.�JOHNSON:
I'm�what�doctor?
107
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:31,258
DOCTOR:�You're�a...You're�a
white�male.
108
00:05:31,297 --> 00:05:34,027
MR.�JOHNSON:
A�white�male?�Are
you�sure?
109
00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,667
DOCTOR:�Congratulations.
110
00:05:35,702 --> 00:05:38,842
MR.�JOHNSON:�I�can't
believe�it!�I'm�a�white
male!�I'm�a�white�male!
111
00:05:41,441 --> 00:05:43,811
MR.�JOHNSON:�Hey,�Doctor?
DOCTOR:�Yes,�Mr.�Johnson?
112
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:46,813
MR.�JOHNSON:�One�last�question.
Now�that�I�know�I'm�a�white�male
113
00:05:46,846 --> 00:05:48,406
is�there�something�I
should�be�doing?
114
00:05:48,448 --> 00:05:53,718
DOCTOR:�That's�the�thing�Mr.
Johnson,�you�can�do�anything�you
want.
115
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:56,323
(WOMAN�READING)
116
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:09,974
The�Ontario�Liberal
sex-ed�curriculum
117
00:06:10,002 --> 00:06:12,472
is�either�a�good�idea
or�terrible�one,
118
00:06:12,505 --> 00:06:16,175
depending�on�whether
you�ask�your�uncle,
or�your�cool�uncle.
119
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:19,709
For�more,�here's�our
own�Aisha�Alfa.
120
00:06:19,746 --> 00:06:21,276
AISHA:��Protests�over
the�sex-ed�curriculum
121
00:06:21,314 --> 00:06:23,884
have�put�the�Ontario�Liberals
in�an�untenable�position
122
00:06:23,916 --> 00:06:25,946
for�this�centrist�government,
123
00:06:25,985 --> 00:06:29,315
needing�to�balance
progressive�policy
with�cultural�sensitivity.
124
00:06:29,355 --> 00:06:32,015
But�after�two�years
of�back-peddling
and�stalling,
125
00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,928
the�Liberals�are
finally�taking�action
on�the�controversy,
126
00:06:34,961 --> 00:06:36,901
by�not�taking�a�position.
127
00:06:36,929 --> 00:06:39,369
Kathleen�Wynne's�government
is�now�attempting�to�appeal
128
00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:42,699
to�every�possible�opinion
by�letting�each�school
in�the�province
129
00:06:42,735 --> 00:06:45,565
choose�their�own
sex-ed�adventure.
130
00:06:45,605 --> 00:06:49,705
The�proposed�sex-ed�policies
of�this�province�just�do�not
align�with�the�traditional,
131
00:06:49,742 --> 00:06:52,312
Anglo-Saxon�Protestant�values
of�this�community.
132
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:55,875
I�see�your�curriculum�starts
with�Chapter�One,
"Ask�Your�Father."
133
00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:59,385
And�continues
with�Chapter�Two,
"No.�Ask�Your�Mother."
134
00:06:59,419 --> 00:07:00,649
That's�right.
135
00:07:00,686 --> 00:07:03,256
How�does�dancing
around�the�issue
educate�anyone?
136
00:07:03,289 --> 00:07:07,889
Well,�we�eventually�cover�more
ground�in�Chapter�Nine,
"Ask�Your�Father's�Mistress."
137
00:07:07,927 --> 00:07:10,957
But�while�some�believe�the
Liberal�policy�goes�too�far,
138
00:07:10,997 --> 00:07:13,097
others�think�it�doesn't
go�far�enough.
139
00:07:13,132 --> 00:07:17,172
Children�are�much�more
aware�these�days
than�their�parents�realize.
140
00:07:17,203 --> 00:07:21,943
Which�is�why�we�start�exposing
them�to�these�concepts
as�early�as�possible.
141
00:07:21,974 --> 00:07:25,484
So,�our�pre-K�and�our�day-care
programs�start�with
142
00:07:25,511 --> 00:07:29,521
foundational�sexual�anatomy
during�independent�play.
143
00:07:29,549 --> 00:07:32,919
Even�the�most�progressive
educational�advocates
might�think�that
144
00:07:32,952 --> 00:07:37,762
teaching�pegging
in�kindergarten
is�a�bit�much.
145
00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:42,200
At�Precious�Snowflake,
we�believe�in�what's�called
"self-guided�learning."
146
00:07:42,228 --> 00:07:46,598
And�our�primary�students�keep
demanding�that�we�teach
147
00:07:46,632 --> 00:07:50,702
the�intricacies
of�role�reversal
anal�sex�play.
148
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:53,306
But�ultimately,�the�Liberal's
undoing�on�this�issue
149
00:07:53,339 --> 00:07:56,509
has�been�the�response
of�religious�and�ethnic
minority�groups
150
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:59,582
who�feel�betrayed�by�the�party
they�elected�into�power.
151
00:07:59,612 --> 00:08:02,682
Many�of�the�parents�in�our
district�are�uncomfortable
152
00:08:02,715 --> 00:08:06,745
with�the�word�"sex"�appearing
in�schools�at�all.
153
00:08:06,786 --> 00:08:08,586
In�fact,�they�would�prefer
154
00:08:08,621 --> 00:08:12,591
if�we�removed
asexual�reproduction�from
the�science�textbooks.
155
00:08:12,625 --> 00:08:16,155
So,�what�does�a�non-sexual
sex�ed�lesson�plan�look�like?
156
00:08:16,195 --> 00:08:20,625
Well,�to�my�constituents,
sex�only�happens
after�marriage.
157
00:08:20,666 --> 00:08:23,766
But�there�is�a�lot�of
education�needed
to�plan�that�wedding.
158
00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:27,743
While�education�experts�insist
these�are�terrible,
terrible�ideas,
159
00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:30,013
the�individuals
who�created
their�own�curriculums
160
00:08:30,042 --> 00:08:33,412
were�more�than�happy�to�share
their�favorite�lessons
with�me.
161
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,876
It�is�very�important�to�know
the�proper�technique.
162
00:08:35,915 --> 00:08:39,985
By�pinching�the�bottom,
you�can�much�more�easily
unpeel�the�banana.
163
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:45,088
Now,�never�forget
the�importance�of�ball�play
164
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:48,904
during�oral
or�anal�intercourse,
my�darlings.
165
00:08:48,928 --> 00:08:50,598
Okay?�Ooh.
166
00:08:50,630 --> 00:08:54,200
As�they�travel�through
these�two�pathways,
167
00:08:54,233 --> 00:08:59,113
please�ensure�there�is�no
bottlenecking�in�the�line-up
for�the�buffet.
168
00:08:59,138 --> 00:09:00,238
Well,�that�just�makes�sense.
169
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:01,713
She�knows.
170
00:09:01,741 --> 00:09:07,151
All�right�now,�leverage�and
insertion�angles�are�key
171
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:12,079
for�successfully�engaging
in�safe�group�sex.
Okay?
172
00:09:12,118 --> 00:09:14,988
I'm�gonna�need�a�volunteer
for�this�one.
Young�lady?
173
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,521
Yeah,�I'm�gonna�sit�this
one�out.
174
00:09:16,556 --> 00:09:18,456
To�address�the�stigma
of�teen�pregnancy,
175
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:22,331
here's�how�to�treat�your
unwanted�bastard
as�your�much�younger�sibling.
176
00:09:22,361 --> 00:09:24,031
You�want�to�use
circular�tables
177
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:27,573
for�the�wedding�party,
never�square.
178
00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:34,470
They�seat�more�and�everybody
has�easy�access�to�the�bread
and�condiments�in�the�middle.
179
00:09:34,507 --> 00:09:38,507
Now,�pretend�role�play
is�critical�for
developing�a�sense
180
00:09:38,544 --> 00:09:41,784
of�imagination�and�defined
boundaries.
181
00:09:41,814 --> 00:09:46,594
Now,�here's�the�first�thing
middle�schoolers�need�to�know
about�sadomasochism...
182
00:09:46,619 --> 00:09:49,889
And�that�is�a�natural�place
for�us�to�stop,�okay?
183
00:09:49,922 --> 00:09:51,462
-Excuse�me.
-Okay,�you�just�zip�it.
184
00:09:51,490 --> 00:09:52,560
(CLEARS�THROAT)
185
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,632
Despite�everyone�getting�their
own�way,
186
00:09:54,660 --> 00:09:57,900
parents�are�still�threatening
to�boycott�the�lessons
altogether.
187
00:09:57,930 --> 00:10:00,630
As�it�turns�out,
what�protestors
care�about�most
188
00:10:00,666 --> 00:10:03,596
is�mandating�their�views
on�other�communities.
189
00:10:03,636 --> 00:10:06,106
For��The�Beaverton,
I'm�Aisha�Alfa.
190
00:10:06,872 --> 00:10:09,012
Thanks,�Aisha.
191
00:10:09,041 --> 00:10:11,541
You�know,�regardless�of�who
teaches�them,�I�hope�these
kids�have�wonderful�sex.
192
00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,648
With�each�other.
193
00:10:13,679 --> 00:10:15,449
-Okay...
-I�mean�with�adults.
194
00:10:15,481 --> 00:10:18,121
When�they're�adults!
Years�from�now.
Not�right�now.
195
00:10:18,150 --> 00:10:20,150
I�can't.
196
00:10:20,186 --> 00:10:23,186
The�loonie�dropped
to�a�20�year�low�this�week,
197
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:27,792
now�sitting�at�approximately
half�the�value�of
a�Canadian�Tire�dollar.
198
00:10:29,428 --> 00:10:31,998
To�help�explain�what�this
means�for�your�wallet,
199
00:10:32,031 --> 00:10:34,831
we�go�to�our�financial�expert,
Laura�Cilevitz.
200
00:10:34,867 --> 00:10:36,597
Thanks,�Emma.
201
00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:40,206
There's�been�a�frenzy
of�activity�today�as�investors
across�the�country
202
00:10:40,239 --> 00:10:44,339
rifle�through
their�junk�drawers�for
Canadian�Tire�dollars.
203
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,147
Financial�analysts�say
they�haven't�seen
anything�like�it
204
00:10:47,179 --> 00:10:50,879
since�the
Great�Barbecue�Blowout�of�'98.
205
00:10:50,916 --> 00:10:55,916
Is�there�a�chance
the�Canadian�Tire�dollar
becomes�our�national�currency?
206
00:10:55,955 --> 00:10:57,585
Not�necessarily.
207
00:10:57,623 --> 00:11:01,033
Other�strong
contenders�include
Scotiabank�Scene�points,
208
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,190
Aeroplan�miles,
209
00:11:02,228 --> 00:11:05,698
and�unrolled
roll-up-the-rim�cups.
210
00:11:05,731 --> 00:11:08,901
But�for�now,�Bay�Street
is�bullish�on
Canadian�Tire�dollars.
211
00:11:08,934 --> 00:11:10,704
I'm�curious�Laura.
212
00:11:10,736 --> 00:11:12,836
Is�there�something
about�Canadian�Tire�dollars
in�particular
213
00:11:12,872 --> 00:11:14,572
that�allow�them�to�maintain
their�value?
214
00:11:14,607 --> 00:11:18,137
Canadian�Tire�sells�a�variety
of�products�all�year�round.
215
00:11:18,177 --> 00:11:23,217
In�the�summer�it's
patio�furniture,�lighter�fluid
and�camping�lingerie.
216
00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:25,749
But�in�the�winter�they�pivot
into�winter�tires
217
00:11:25,785 --> 00:11:28,945
and�Canadian�Tire-brand
mulled�wine.
218
00:11:28,988 --> 00:11:31,158
And�that's�how�the�currency
keeps�stable.
219
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:35,590
So,�by�diversifying
into�a�variety�of�industries,
they�have�ostensibly�protected
220
00:11:35,628 --> 00:11:38,758
their�economic�interests
if�one�of�them,
say,�motor�oil,�fails.
221
00:11:38,798 --> 00:11:42,438
Exactly.�Could�you�imagine
tying�your�entire
economic�future
222
00:11:42,468 --> 00:11:44,338
to�a�single�product
like�oil?
223
00:11:47,673 --> 00:11:51,043
It�would�be�astoundingly
short-sighted.
224
00:11:51,077 --> 00:11:53,307
The�point�is,�government
backed�currencies�are�out
225
00:11:53,345 --> 00:11:56,715
and�consumer
loyalty�programs�are�in.
226
00:11:56,749 --> 00:12:00,619
Well,�you�heard�it�here
first,�folks,
burn�all�your�money.
227
00:12:00,653 --> 00:12:02,693
Thank�you,�Laura.
228
00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:06,662
Up�next,
Portuguese�people�seem
to�be�celebrating�something.
229
00:12:06,692 --> 00:12:08,432
Find�out�what�after�the�break.
230
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:11,429
(BOTH�ARGUING)
231
00:12:22,308 --> 00:12:23,938
Coming�up�later.
232
00:12:23,976 --> 00:12:26,176
EMMA:��The�NYPD�is�replacing
its�controversial
233
00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:27,682
Stop�and�Frisk�program
234
00:12:27,713 --> 00:12:30,953
with�the�more�efficient
Point�and�Shoot.
235
00:12:30,983 --> 00:12:32,953
MIGUEL:��A�royal�flap�at
Buckingham�Palace,
236
00:12:32,985 --> 00:12:37,585
as�Prince�William�finds
himself�embroiled
in�a�nepotism�scandal.
237
00:12:37,623 --> 00:12:41,063
EMMA:��We'll�tell�you�the�best
dumb�names�to�name
your�stupid�baby.
238
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:45,198
Canadian�tech�firm,�Nerudine,
is�promising�to�build
239
00:12:45,231 --> 00:12:46,771
the�world's�first
working�hyper�loop
240
00:12:46,799 --> 00:12:48,729
between�Montreal�and�Toronto.
241
00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,468
A�feat�it�says�is�possible
because�the�train
only�has�to�go
242
00:12:51,504 --> 00:12:53,814
from�Montreal�to�Toronto.
243
00:12:53,839 --> 00:12:58,579
Montrealers�are�already
calling�the�unidirectional
hyper�loop,�a�game-changer.
244
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,951
Making�it�easier�than�ever
245
00:12:59,979 --> 00:13:02,309
to�abandon
their�dumpster�fire�of�a�city,
246
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:05,918
for�a�place�with�an
actual�future.
247
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:09,261
Mayor�Denis�Coderre
interrupted�his�third�lunch
of�the�day
248
00:13:09,288 --> 00:13:11,358
to�praise�the�design,
calling�it...
249
00:13:11,390 --> 00:13:13,960
(READING)
250
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:20,533
Now�on�to�the�human
hyper�loop,�blood.
251
00:13:20,566 --> 00:13:23,566
Our�own�Donavon�Stinson
reports�on
Canadian�Blood�Services
252
00:13:23,602 --> 00:13:26,672
and�their�policy�of�rejecting
many�would�be�blood�donors.
253
00:13:27,773 --> 00:13:28,773
(INDISTINCT)
254
00:13:34,113 --> 00:13:36,923
Blood,�is�it�really�in�you
to�give?
255
00:13:36,949 --> 00:13:39,819
Not�if�you're�considered
a�"high�risk"�donor�by
Canadian�Blood�Services.
256
00:13:39,852 --> 00:13:42,122
And�when�my�own�blood
was�rejected�for�donation,
257
00:13:42,154 --> 00:13:45,794
I�had�to�go�to
CBS�headquarters,
to�find�out�why.
258
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,655
Okay,�so�there�are�many
reasons�a�donation�would�be
rejected.
259
00:13:49,695 --> 00:13:51,195
So,�let's�have�a�look
at�your�application.
260
00:13:51,230 --> 00:13:54,630
Of�course,�yeah.
As�I'm�sure�you're�aware
of�my�work,
261
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:58,267
I�included�the�time�that
I�traded�leeches�with�my
segment�producer,
262
00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:03,144
the�2014�raccoon�bite,
and�last�year's�on-camera
testicle�piercing�gone�awry.
263
00:14:03,175 --> 00:14:05,275
Was�any�of�that�flagged?
264
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:07,511
Given�the�timing�of�those
activities,�they�are�all
acceptable�risks.
265
00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:11,976
Oh,�and�I�also�shared�needles
with�a�chimp�for�a�segment�on
primate�fentanyl�addiction.
266
00:14:12,017 --> 00:14:13,917
-Also�fine.�Yeah.
-Really?
267
00:14:13,953 --> 00:14:16,223
Okay,�then�why�was�I�rejected?
268
00:14:16,255 --> 00:14:19,425
Ah!�Well,�you�told�us�that
you�had�sex�with�a�man
in�the�last�year?
269
00:14:19,458 --> 00:14:20,558
Yep.
270
00:14:20,593 --> 00:14:22,093
And�it's�the�position�of
Canadian�Blood�Services
271
00:14:22,127 --> 00:14:23,757
to�not�allow�sexually
active�gay�men...
272
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,896
Or�fluid.
I�should�point�that�out
to�my�female�viewers.
273
00:14:28,300 --> 00:14:29,740
To�donate�blood.
274
00:14:29,768 --> 00:14:31,238
Okay.�So,
what�you're�saying�then
275
00:14:31,270 --> 00:14:34,210
is�that�they
need�to�be�in�a
monogamous�relationship?
276
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:38,140
No,�they�need�to�have�not
had�sex�with�anyone.
277
00:14:38,177 --> 00:14:40,247
Unless�it's�a�woman.
278
00:14:40,279 --> 00:14:43,549
What�if�it's
really�boring�sex?
279
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:45,482
-Not�even.
-What�if�they�just�watched?
280
00:14:45,517 --> 00:14:46,647
That's�fine.
281
00:14:46,685 --> 00:14:47,745
What�if�they
wrestled�a�naked�man
282
00:14:47,786 --> 00:14:49,356
like�the�Ancient�Greeks
used�to�do?
283
00:14:49,388 --> 00:14:51,318
-Sure.
-And�what�if,�while
284
00:14:51,357 --> 00:14:52,487
wrestling�said�naked�man,
it�slipped�in
for�just�a�second?
285
00:14:52,524 --> 00:14:53,794
-Nope.
-Just�the�tip?
286
00:14:53,826 --> 00:14:55,896
Not�even.
287
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:58,858
And�the�reason�for�this�is
that�you�assume�gay�men�have
higher�exposure�to�HIV?
288
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,268
No,�no,�no.�This�has�nothing
to�do�with�HIV.
289
00:15:01,300 --> 00:15:02,640
There's�a�very
simple�test�for�it
290
00:15:02,668 --> 00:15:04,568
and�all�donations
are�screened�for�it�anyway.
291
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:06,013
Okay.
292
00:15:06,038 --> 00:15:07,468
Then�why?
293
00:15:07,506 --> 00:15:10,336
Simple.�It�is�the�belief�of
Canadian�Blood�Services
294
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:14,946
that�giving�recipients
the�"gay�blood"�will,�in�fact,
turn�them�"gay."
295
00:15:18,584 --> 00:15:19,994
Where�did�you�go�to
medical�school?
296
00:15:20,019 --> 00:15:22,149
It's�a�country�that
no�longer�exists.
297
00:15:22,988 --> 00:15:25,118
Southeast�Timor.
298
00:15:25,157 --> 00:15:27,027
-Can�I�get�that�back?
-Yeah,�absolutely.
299
00:15:27,059 --> 00:15:29,429
DONAVON:
I�couldn't�believe�what�I'd
heard�from�Dr.�Thornbury.
300
00:15:29,461 --> 00:15:31,801
But�he�did�assure�me�that�they
were�making�progress.
301
00:15:31,830 --> 00:15:34,600
After�all,�they�recently
cut�down�the�ban�on�sexually
active�gay�men
302
00:15:34,633 --> 00:15:36,873
from�five�years�to�one�year
after�they�determined
303
00:15:36,902 --> 00:15:41,712
it�only�takes�300�days
for�"gay�blood�cells"
to�"die�out."
304
00:15:41,740 --> 00:15:44,640
For��The�Beaverton,
Donavon�Stinson,�signing�off.
305
00:15:45,311 --> 00:15:47,511
Thanks,�Donovan.
306
00:15:47,546 --> 00:15:51,816
For�some,�like�Miguel,
being�a�new�parent�can�be
completely�overwhelming.
307
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:55,390
Fortunately,�there's�dads
like�these�guys
who�can�help�us�out.
308
00:15:55,421 --> 00:15:57,961
Thank�you�for�that�stirring
vote�of�confidence,�Emma.
309
00:15:57,990 --> 00:15:59,990
I'd�just�like�to�point�out
that�I'm�not�actually
having�any...
310
00:16:00,025 --> 00:16:02,955
Hi,�I'm�Pat�Dussault,
professional�father�of�three
311
00:16:02,995 --> 00:16:05,695
and�founder�of�the�hit�blog,
The�Walking�Dad.
312
00:16:05,731 --> 00:16:08,201
-Miguel,�you're�doing�great.
-Thanks.
313
00:16:09,935 --> 00:16:13,135
Miguel,�this�must�be�very
difficult�for�you.
314
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,512
I�don't�know�why�everyone
thinks�I'm�having
such�a�hard�time.
315
00:16:15,541 --> 00:16:17,811
I've�actually�enjoyed
my�first�two�months
of�fatherhood.
316
00:16:17,843 --> 00:16:20,153
Still,�it�can't�be�easy
rushing�back�to�work
like�this.
317
00:16:20,179 --> 00:16:22,609
Is�this�the�first�show
since�the�baby�was�born?
318
00:16:22,648 --> 00:16:24,778
No,�I've�actually�been�back
for�weeks.
319
00:16:24,817 --> 00:16:29,817
Oh.
Well,�that's�a...
choice.
320
00:16:29,855 --> 00:16:32,515
Well,�my�wife�and�I�share
responsibilities,�so...
321
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:35,788
Oh,�well,�speaking�of
part-time�parents,
Justin�Trudeau.
322
00:16:35,828 --> 00:16:37,498
Seems�like�a�nice�fella,
323
00:16:37,529 --> 00:16:40,169
but�can�he�really�be
a�good�Prime�Minister
and�a�great�dad?
324
00:16:40,199 --> 00:16:43,339
Uh...�Look,�I�get�it.
He�wants�to�have�it�all.
325
00:16:43,369 --> 00:16:47,639
But�he�can't�always�be
out�gallivanting�with
Angela�Merkel,�okay?
326
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,483
If�it�were�up�to�me,
I'd�rather�be�at�home
with�my�little�ones,
327
00:16:50,509 --> 00:16:51,839
and�turn�on�the�TV�and�see
what�Ryder
328
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:54,107
and�his�team�of�pups
are�up�to�on��Paw�Patrol.
329
00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:57,050
(SIGHS)
Amen�to�that,�brother.
330
00:16:57,082 --> 00:16:59,692
If�you�ask�me,�you�gotta�be
more�concerned�with�your
331
00:16:59,718 --> 00:17:02,348
own�child's�development
than�the�developing�world.
332
00:17:02,388 --> 00:17:07,188
Absolutely.
But�it�is�important�to�keep
a�good�work-life�balance.
333
00:17:07,226 --> 00:17:12,196
You�know,�I'm�able�to�keep�up
with�my�Etsy�crafting�and�make
a�family�meal�every�day.
334
00:17:12,231 --> 00:17:15,331
But�I'm�lucky,
my�children�are�advanced.
335
00:17:17,102 --> 00:17:20,072
It�kind�of�feels�like�you�guys
are�mom�shaming
the�Prime�Minister.
336
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:22,975
Uh,�that's�impossible,�Miguel,
because�we're�dads.
337
00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:27,848
Still,�do�we�even�know
where�Justin�stands�on�the
key�issues,�like�co-sleeping?
338
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:31,980
And�what�about�swaddling,
sleep�training,�cloth�diapers?
339
00:17:32,017 --> 00:17:33,917
Who's�getting�up�to�give
the�midnight�feeding?
340
00:17:33,952 --> 00:17:35,292
That's�something�I�can
relate�to.
341
00:17:35,320 --> 00:17:37,960
Sometimes�my�daughter
won't�take�a�bottle.
342
00:17:37,990 --> 00:17:40,860
I'm�sorry,�you�give�your
two-month�old�a�bottle?
343
00:17:40,893 --> 00:17:41,893
Ugh.
344
00:17:41,927 --> 00:17:43,657
Guys,�I'm�just
going�to�say�it.
345
00:17:43,695 --> 00:17:46,095
It�kinda�feels�like
you're�holding�dads
up�to�an�impossible�standard.
346
00:17:46,131 --> 00:17:48,201
I'm�sorry,�what�do�you�expect?
We're�two�upper�middle�class
347
00:17:48,233 --> 00:17:50,903
white�guys
talking�about�parenting.
348
00:17:50,936 --> 00:17:53,166
I�thought�you�guys�were�here
to�give�advice�to�new�parents.
349
00:17:53,205 --> 00:17:54,905
Do�you�have
any�practical�tips?
350
00:17:54,940 --> 00:17:56,940
Oh,�yeah,�absolutely.
Uh,�you�know...
351
00:17:56,975 --> 00:18:00,775
Stay�calm,�always�pay
your�nanny�under�the�table.
352
00:18:00,813 --> 00:18:05,153
And�most�importantly,
during�nap�time,�choose�the
liquor�that's�right�for�you.
353
00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:08,094
Oh,�yeah.�Self-medicating
is�really�important.
354
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,020
This�is�a�Manhattan,
straight-up.
355
00:18:11,657 --> 00:18:13,787
Seriously?
You�drink�when�you're�at�home
with�your�children?
356
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,486
Okay.�Well,�now�who's
mom�shaming?
357
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:18,459
Thanks�so�much,�Pat�and�Kurt.
358
00:18:18,497 --> 00:18:20,497
I'm�sure�your�kids�will�not
resent�you�at�all.
359
00:18:20,532 --> 00:18:22,372
Back�to�you,�Emma.
360
00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:25,001
Later�this�hour,
an�entirely�different�show.
361
00:18:26,505 --> 00:18:27,665
(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)
362
00:18:40,219 --> 00:18:43,219
Breaking�news,
Governor�General
David�Johnston�collapsed
363
00:18:43,255 --> 00:18:45,855
during�an�opening�ceremony
for�a�new�library.
364
00:18:45,891 --> 00:18:49,601
Doctors�say�it�was�the�result
of�exhaustion,�brought�on
by�his�grueling�schedule
365
00:18:49,628 --> 00:18:52,598
of�doing�whatever�it�is
the�governor�general�does.
366
00:18:52,631 --> 00:18:54,171
According�to
Johnston's�doctor...
367
00:18:54,199 --> 00:18:57,199
(READING)
368
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,036
...in�between
representing�Canada,
369
00:18:59,071 --> 00:19:03,141
bringing�Canadians�together,
and,�um,�visiting�places,
I�guess?
370
00:19:03,175 --> 00:19:06,205
In�related�news,�all
105�members�of�the�senate
371
00:19:06,245 --> 00:19:09,175
are�taking�a�personal�health
day�after�coming�down
with�a�bad�case
372
00:19:09,214 --> 00:19:11,354
of��Cirque�De�Soleil�tickets.
373
00:19:11,383 --> 00:19:13,723
To�conclude�tonight,
we'd�like�to�correct
a�few�errors
374
00:19:13,752 --> 00:19:15,222
from�last�week's�broadcast.
375
00:19:15,254 --> 00:19:17,124
I�referred�to
Mohamed�Taha�Siala
376
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:18,956
as�the�Libyan�Minister
of�the�Interior.
377
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:21,361
He�is,�in�fact,
the�Minister�of
Foreign�Affairs.
378
00:19:21,393 --> 00:19:23,203
I�regret�the�error.
379
00:19:23,228 --> 00:19:24,898
-Big�screw�up,�Miguel.
-I�know.
380
00:19:24,930 --> 00:19:28,330
Last�week,�I�incorrectly
reported�that�a�series
of�break-ins,
381
00:19:28,367 --> 00:19:32,267
featuring�devoured�leftovers,
gnawed�furniture�and
clawed�mattresses,
382
00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:35,574
was�the�work�of�one
Maureen�Pfeffer.
383
00:19:35,607 --> 00:19:37,937
It�turns�out�that�this�was
done�by�a�wolf.
384
00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,176
A�pack�of�wolves,
to�be�specific.
385
00:19:40,212 --> 00:19:41,882
I�regret�the�error.
386
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,424
Maureen�Pfeffer?
387
00:19:43,448 --> 00:19:44,818
Don't�you�have�a�neighbor
named�Maureen�Pfeffer?
388
00:19:44,850 --> 00:19:46,390
I�have�a�lot�of�neighbors,
Miguel.
389
00:19:46,418 --> 00:19:48,148
Fair�enough.
390
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:51,317
I�reported�that�the�best�album
of�all�time�was
Take�Care�by�Drake.
391
00:19:51,356 --> 00:19:53,656
However,�I�re-listened
to��Views�last�night,
and�I�now�know
392
00:19:53,692 --> 00:19:56,332
that�I�made
a�monumental�mistake.
393
00:19:56,361 --> 00:19:59,571
Last�week,�in�my�on-going
coverage�of�"Maureen-gate",
394
00:19:59,598 --> 00:20:03,738
I�publicized�Ms.�Pfeffer's
e-mail�address,�password
and�phone�number.
395
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,540
Yes,�that's�the�one.
396
00:20:06,572 --> 00:20:09,812
That's�the�information
I�should�not�have�shared
during�the�segment
397
00:20:09,841 --> 00:20:13,681
where�I�reported�she�was
disturbing�the�peace
with�her�howling.
398
00:20:13,712 --> 00:20:17,222
Turns�out�that�was�again
the�large�pack
of�arctic�gray�wolves.
399
00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:20,017
Yeah,�Maureen.
400
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:22,052
Wasn't�she�the�one�you�had
some�sort�of�property�dispute
with?
401
00:20:22,087 --> 00:20:24,157
Her�tree�was�growing�over
your�property�line
or�something?
402
00:20:24,189 --> 00:20:25,459
Yeah,�it�was
four�feet,�Miguel!
403
00:20:25,490 --> 00:20:27,330
My�hot�tub�is�full
of�crab�apples.
404
00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,268
Lastly,�I'd�like�to�apologize
for�personally�going�to
Maureen's�home
405
00:20:33,298 --> 00:20:37,868
and�accusing�her�of�mauling
those�two�campers�outside
Surrey,�B.C.
406
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,213
We�at��The�Beaverton�deeply
regret�this�error,
407
00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:42,809
and�hope�Maureen�will�accept
our�apology.
408
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:48,079
Next�week,�after�two�elk�were
found�savaged�in�Nunavut,
409
00:20:48,113 --> 00:20:50,553
a�terrified�nation
asks�itself,
410
00:20:50,582 --> 00:20:51,982
is�Maureen�at�it�again?
411
00:20:54,419 --> 00:20:56,889
It's�not�journalistically
responsible�to�invoke
Maureen's...
412
00:20:56,922 --> 00:20:58,622
(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)
40534