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Original subtitles

Police�warn�consumers of�counterfeit Canada�Goose�jackets

stuffed�with�old Hudson�Bay�jackets.

MIGUEL: Legendary�hip-hop�artist Dr.�Dre�is�under�fire

for�releasing�an�album that�allegedly�respects�women.

EMMA:��And�our�financial�expert will�teach�you�how to�pay�down�debt

by�selling�your�body�parts on�the�black�market.

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton.

Canada's�most�anecdotal source�of�facts.

I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�Emma�Hunter.

Follow�me�on Twitter,�Instagram and�Christian�Mingle.

Our�top�story. The�Department�of National�Defense

is�denying�Canada committed�war�crimes

when�it�handed�prisoners over�to�local�authorities during�the�Afghan�War,

noting�the�captives�were, quote,�"Probably tortured�humanely."

In�a�statement,�a�spokesperson for�the�Ministry�said...

(READING)

The�spokesman�did�admit�that Canada�had�no�way�of�knowing

for�sure�what�happened following�the�hand-offs,

as�plausible�deniability is�an�essential�component of�playing

"Good�Captor/Bad�Captor."

To�the�Arctic.

Home�to�pristine�wilderness and�Santa's�garish Christmas-themed�mansion.

But�just�who�exactly owns�the�Arctic

and�the�rights�to�ruin�it by�extracting�its�resources?

Canadian�officials�believe our�border�extends�all�the�way to�the�North�Pole,

thanks�to�the�presence of�Inuit�communities that�suddenly�matter.

However,�Russia�has also�made�a�claim�that their�border�extends

to�the�North�Pole�and�then south�again into�eastern�Europe,

and�also�the�rest�of�Europe.

Of�course, no�matter�who�wins�out,

the�big�loser�remains Santa's�beleaguered�army of�diminutive�gift-slaves.

Now�let's�go�to�Syria, where�Marilla�Wex reports�on�ISIS

and�the�one�woman they�won't�oppress, Mother�Nature.

ISIS�is�thought�to�be the�largest�threat to�world�order.

But�what's�most-shocking about�them

isn't�the�possibility of�military�encroachment,

or�an�unpredictable terrorist�attack.

(SHOTS�FIRING)

Rather,�it's�their�newfound commitment�to�end�their dependence�on�oil.

According�to military�intelligence,

ISIS�is�undertaking an�aggressive�maneuver to�Go�Green.

I�sat�down�with�Cabinet�Member Abdur�Rahmaan�Jaboour,

to�discuss�some of�ISIS'�lesser-known environmental�initiatives.

We�reject�the�ideology of�Western�culture,

which�means�we are�very�concerned about�climate�change.

Do�you�think�ISIS�can�actually follow�through�on�their�bold

"Fossil�Free�Before�End�Times" commitment?

There's�nothing�the�infidels can�do�to�stop�us.

It�has�already�begun.

Indeed,�Abdur�has�outfitted all�of�his�wives�in�niqabs made�from�hemp,

converted�his�gun�runners from�Hummers�to�hybrid�sedans,

and�now�electrocutes the�testicles�of�all�his�POWs using�a�lithium-ion�battery.

Best�of�all,�I�telecommute to�my�job�twice�a�week.

You�can�always�order the�execution�of�journalists

from�the�comfort of�your�bunker.

Exactly.

I�reject�the�Western�notion of�the�40-hour�work�week.

It's�all�about�balance.

Public�response�has been�surprisingly�positive.

Many�point�out�that the�largest�contributor

to�climate�change is�overpopulation.

By�killing�so�many,

ISIS�has�truly been�going�green since�its�inception.

What�good is�a�global�caliphate�if�you don't�have�a�globe?

How,�may�I�ask, does�the�bombing of�historical�sites

such�as�the�Al-Madina�Souq in�Allepo�offset�your carbon�footprint?

Look,�I�love a�farmer's�market as�much�as�the�next�man.

But�Northwest�Syria has�the�best topographical�conditions

for�wind�and�solar�farms in�all�the�Levant.

MARILLA: No�one�said�the�transition

away�from�fossil�fuels would�be�easy.

But�perhaps�if�the�West was�as�forward-thinking as�Islamic�fundamentalists,

we�would�all�be�living a�more�sustainable�lifestyle.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Marilla�Wex.

Thanks�Marilla.�Miggles?

Let's�not�start with�that�one�again.

The�Canadian�Government is�finally�putting�money

into�the�creation and�development of�Canadian�artists.

A�100�million�dollar�grant will�be�used�to�locate

promising�young�writers, painters�and�film�makers,

then�systematically�inflict tragedy�upon�them, and�those�they�love.

The�Canadian�Council for�the�Arts�noted

that�the�best�art�is�borne of�tragic�circumstances

and�advised�that by�creating�a�generation of�destitute�artists,

they�hope�they�will never�have�to�fund Canadian�art�again.

For�some�lucky�artists, their�entire�families will�be�given�tuberculosis.

For�others,�their�fathers will�be�bribed�to�say

they�have�something important�to�tell�them,

and�then�disappear forever.

And�the�most�promising�will�be moved�to�a�secure�community,

where�they�will�get�to�live just�like�a�19th�century Irish�orphan.

When�we�come�back, we'll�take�a�look�at the�slave�labor�issues

plaguing�the�shrimp�industry in�Thailand.

But�first,�Red�Lobster's endless�shrimp�special's�back!

It's�shrimpier�than�ever!

I�love�their�lobster, it's�fun�there...

Yeah,�you�probably�shouldn't talk�about�slave�labor

and�then�go�on�to�say you�like...

EMMA:�They're�hot.

DOCTOR: Mr.�Johnson,�your�test results�just�came�in.

DOCTOR: Are�you�sitting�down?

MR.�JOHNSON:�Yes�doctor, what�is?

DOCTOR: Well�I'm�noto say�this..

According�to�the�numbers you�are�uh...

MR.�JOHNSON: I'm�what�doctor?

DOCTOR:�You're�a...You're�a white�male.

MR.�JOHNSON: A�white�male?�Are you�sure?

DOCTOR:�Congratulations.

MR.�JOHNSON:�I�can't believe�it!�I'm�a�white male!�I'm�a�white�male!

MR.�JOHNSON:�Hey,�Doctor? DOCTOR:�Yes,�Mr.�Johnson?

MR.�JOHNSON:�One�last�question. Now�that�I�know�I'm�a�white�male

is�there�something�I should�be�doing?

DOCTOR:�That's�the�thing�Mr. Johnson,�you�can�do�anything�you want.

(WOMAN�READING)

The�Ontario�Liberal sex-ed�curriculum

is�either�a�good�idea or�terrible�one,

depending�on�whether you�ask�your�uncle, or�your�cool�uncle.

For�more,�here's�our own�Aisha�Alfa.

AISHA:��Protests�over the�sex-ed�curriculum

have�put�the�Ontario�Liberals in�an�untenable�position

for�this�centrist�government,

needing�to�balance progressive�policy with�cultural�sensitivity.

But�after�two�years of�back-peddling and�stalling,

the�Liberals�are finally�taking�action on�the�controversy,

by�not�taking�a�position.

Kathleen�Wynne's�government is�now�attempting�to�appeal

to�every�possible�opinion by�letting�each�school in�the�province

choose�their�own sex-ed�adventure.

The�proposed�sex-ed�policies of�this�province�just�do�not align�with�the�traditional,

Anglo-Saxon�Protestant�values of�this�community.

I�see�your�curriculum�starts with�Chapter�One, "Ask�Your�Father."

And�continues with�Chapter�Two, "No.�Ask�Your�Mother."

That's�right.

How�does�dancing around�the�issue educate�anyone?

Well,�we�eventually�cover�more ground�in�Chapter�Nine, "Ask�Your�Father's�Mistress."

But�while�some�believe�the Liberal�policy�goes�too�far,

others�think�it�doesn't go�far�enough.

Children�are�much�more aware�these�days than�their�parents�realize.

Which�is�why�we�start�exposing them�to�these�concepts as�early�as�possible.

So,�our�pre-K�and�our�day-care programs�start�with

foundational�sexual�anatomy during�independent�play.

Even�the�most�progressive educational�advocates might�think�that

teaching�pegging in�kindergarten is�a�bit�much.

At�Precious�Snowflake, we�believe�in�what's�called "self-guided�learning."

And�our�primary�students�keep demanding�that�we�teach

the�intricacies of�role�reversal anal�sex�play.

But�ultimately,�the�Liberal's undoing�on�this�issue

has�been�the�response of�religious�and�ethnic minority�groups

who�feel�betrayed�by�the�party they�elected�into�power.

Many�of�the�parents�in�our district�are�uncomfortable

with�the�word�"sex"�appearing in�schools�at�all.

In�fact,�they�would�prefer

if�we�removed asexual�reproduction�from the�science�textbooks.

So,�what�does�a�non-sexual sex�ed�lesson�plan�look�like?

Well,�to�my�constituents, sex�only�happens after�marriage.

But�there�is�a�lot�of education�needed to�plan�that�wedding.

While�education�experts�insist these�are�terrible, terrible�ideas,

the�individuals who�created their�own�curriculums

were�more�than�happy�to�share their�favorite�lessons with�me.

It�is�very�important�to�know the�proper�technique.

By�pinching�the�bottom, you�can�much�more�easily unpeel�the�banana.

Now,�never�forget the�importance�of�ball�play

during�oral or�anal�intercourse, my�darlings.

Okay?�Ooh.

As�they�travel�through these�two�pathways,

please�ensure�there�is�no bottlenecking�in�the�line-up for�the�buffet.

Well,�that�just�makes�sense.

She�knows.

All�right�now,�leverage�and insertion�angles�are�key

for�successfully�engaging in�safe�group�sex. Okay?

I'm�gonna�need�a�volunteer for�this�one. Young�lady?

Yeah,�I'm�gonna�sit�this one�out.

To�address�the�stigma of�teen�pregnancy,

here's�how�to�treat�your unwanted�bastard as�your�much�younger�sibling.

You�want�to�use circular�tables

for�the�wedding�party, never�square.

They�seat�more�and�everybody has�easy�access�to�the�bread and�condiments�in�the�middle.

Now,�pretend�role�play is�critical�for developing�a�sense

of�imagination�and�defined boundaries.

Now,�here's�the�first�thing middle�schoolers�need�to�know about�sadomasochism...

And�that�is�a�natural�place for�us�to�stop,�okay?

-Excuse�me. -Okay,�you�just�zip�it.

(CLEARS�THROAT)

Despite�everyone�getting�their own�way,

parents�are�still�threatening to�boycott�the�lessons altogether.

As�it�turns�out, what�protestors care�about�most

is�mandating�their�views on�other�communities.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.

Thanks,�Aisha.

You�know,�regardless�of�who teaches�them,�I�hope�these kids�have�wonderful�sex.

With�each�other.

-Okay... -I�mean�with�adults.

When�they're�adults! Years�from�now. Not�right�now.

I�can't.

The�loonie�dropped to�a�20�year�low�this�week,

now�sitting�at�approximately half�the�value�of a�Canadian�Tire�dollar.

To�help�explain�what�this means�for�your�wallet,

we�go�to�our�financial�expert, Laura�Cilevitz.

Thanks,�Emma.

There's�been�a�frenzy of�activity�today�as�investors across�the�country

rifle�through their�junk�drawers�for Canadian�Tire�dollars.

Financial�analysts�say they�haven't�seen anything�like�it

since�the Great�Barbecue�Blowout�of�'98.

Is�there�a�chance the�Canadian�Tire�dollar becomes�our�national�currency?

Not�necessarily.

Other�strong contenders�include Scotiabank�Scene�points,

Aeroplan�miles,

and�unrolled roll-up-the-rim�cups.

But�for�now,�Bay�Street is�bullish�on Canadian�Tire�dollars.

I'm�curious�Laura.

Is�there�something about�Canadian�Tire�dollars in�particular

that�allow�them�to�maintain their�value?

Canadian�Tire�sells�a�variety of�products�all�year�round.

In�the�summer�it's patio�furniture,�lighter�fluid and�camping�lingerie.

But�in�the�winter�they�pivot into�winter�tires

and�Canadian�Tire-brand mulled�wine.

And�that's�how�the�currency keeps�stable.

So,�by�diversifying into�a�variety�of�industries, they�have�ostensibly�protected

their�economic�interests if�one�of�them, say,�motor�oil,�fails.

Exactly.�Could�you�imagine tying�your�entire economic�future

to�a�single�product like�oil?

It�would�be�astoundingly short-sighted.

The�point�is,�government backed�currencies�are�out

and�consumer loyalty�programs�are�in.

Well,�you�heard�it�here first,�folks, burn�all�your�money.

Thank�you,�Laura.

Up�next, Portuguese�people�seem to�be�celebrating�something.

Find�out�what�after�the�break.

(BOTH�ARGUING)

Coming�up�later.

EMMA:��The�NYPD�is�replacing its�controversial

Stop�and�Frisk�program

with�the�more�efficient Point�and�Shoot.

MIGUEL:��A�royal�flap�at Buckingham�Palace,

as�Prince�William�finds himself�embroiled in�a�nepotism�scandal.

EMMA:��We'll�tell�you�the�best dumb�names�to�name your�stupid�baby.

Canadian�tech�firm,�Nerudine, is�promising�to�build

the�world's�first working�hyper�loop

between�Montreal�and�Toronto.

A�feat�it�says�is�possible because�the�train only�has�to�go

from�Montreal�to�Toronto.

Montrealers�are�already calling�the�unidirectional hyper�loop,�a�game-changer.

Making�it�easier�than�ever

to�abandon their�dumpster�fire�of�a�city,

for�a�place�with�an actual�future.

Mayor�Denis�Coderre interrupted�his�third�lunch of�the�day

to�praise�the�design, calling�it...

(READING)

Now�on�to�the�human hyper�loop,�blood.

Our�own�Donavon�Stinson reports�on Canadian�Blood�Services

and�their�policy�of�rejecting many�would�be�blood�donors.

(INDISTINCT)

Blood,�is�it�really�in�you to�give?

Not�if�you're�considered a�"high�risk"�donor�by Canadian�Blood�Services.

And�when�my�own�blood was�rejected�for�donation,

I�had�to�go�to CBS�headquarters, to�find�out�why.

Okay,�so�there�are�many reasons�a�donation�would�be rejected.

So,�let's�have�a�look at�your�application.

Of�course,�yeah. As�I'm�sure�you're�aware of�my�work,

I�included�the�time�that I�traded�leeches�with�my segment�producer,

the�2014�raccoon�bite, and�last�year's�on-camera testicle�piercing�gone�awry.

Was�any�of�that�flagged?

Given�the�timing�of�those activities,�they�are�all acceptable�risks.

Oh,�and�I�also�shared�needles with�a�chimp�for�a�segment�on primate�fentanyl�addiction.

-Also�fine.�Yeah. -Really?

Okay,�then�why�was�I�rejected?

Ah!�Well,�you�told�us�that you�had�sex�with�a�man in�the�last�year?

Yep.

And�it's�the�position�of Canadian�Blood�Services

to�not�allow�sexually active�gay�men...

Or�fluid. I�should�point�that�out to�my�female�viewers.

To�donate�blood.

Okay.�So, what�you're�saying�then

is�that�they need�to�be�in�a monogamous�relationship?

No,�they�need�to�have�not had�sex�with�anyone.

Unless�it's�a�woman.

What�if�it's really�boring�sex?

-Not�even. -What�if�they�just�watched?

That's�fine.

What�if�they wrestled�a�naked�man

like�the�Ancient�Greeks used�to�do?

-Sure. -And�what�if,�while

wrestling�said�naked�man, it�slipped�in for�just�a�second?

-Nope. -Just�the�tip?

Not�even.

And�the�reason�for�this�is that�you�assume�gay�men�have higher�exposure�to�HIV?

No,�no,�no.�This�has�nothing to�do�with�HIV.

There's�a�very simple�test�for�it

and�all�donations are�screened�for�it�anyway.

Okay.

Then�why?

Simple.�It�is�the�belief�of Canadian�Blood�Services

that�giving�recipients the�"gay�blood"�will,�in�fact, turn�them�"gay."

Where�did�you�go�to medical�school?

It's�a�country�that no�longer�exists.

Southeast�Timor.

-Can�I�get�that�back? -Yeah,�absolutely.

DONAVON: I�couldn't�believe�what�I'd heard�from�Dr.�Thornbury.

But�he�did�assure�me�that�they were�making�progress.

After�all,�they�recently cut�down�the�ban�on�sexually active�gay�men

from�five�years�to�one�year after�they�determined

it�only�takes�300�days for�"gay�blood�cells" to�"die�out."

For��The�Beaverton, Donavon�Stinson,�signing�off.

Thanks,�Donovan.

For�some,�like�Miguel, being�a�new�parent�can�be completely�overwhelming.

Fortunately,�there's�dads like�these�guys who�can�help�us�out.

Thank�you�for�that�stirring vote�of�confidence,�Emma.

I'd�just�like�to�point�out that�I'm�not�actually having�any...

Hi,�I'm�Pat�Dussault, professional�father�of�three

and�founder�of�the�hit�blog, The�Walking�Dad.

-Miguel,�you're�doing�great. -Thanks.

Miguel,�this�must�be�very difficult�for�you.

I�don't�know�why�everyone thinks�I'm�having such�a�hard�time.

I've�actually�enjoyed my�first�two�months of�fatherhood.

Still,�it�can't�be�easy rushing�back�to�work like�this.

Is�this�the�first�show since�the�baby�was�born?

No,�I've�actually�been�back for�weeks.

Oh. Well,�that's�a... choice.

Well,�my�wife�and�I�share responsibilities,�so...

Oh,�well,�speaking�of part-time�parents, Justin�Trudeau.

Seems�like�a�nice�fella,

but�can�he�really�be a�good�Prime�Minister and�a�great�dad?

Uh...�Look,�I�get�it. He�wants�to�have�it�all.

But�he�can't�always�be out�gallivanting�with Angela�Merkel,�okay?

If�it�were�up�to�me, I'd�rather�be�at�home with�my�little�ones,

and�turn�on�the�TV�and�see what�Ryder

and�his�team�of�pups are�up�to�on��Paw�Patrol.

(SIGHS) Amen�to�that,�brother.

If�you�ask�me,�you�gotta�be more�concerned�with�your

own�child's�development than�the�developing�world.

Absolutely. But�it�is�important�to�keep a�good�work-life�balance.

You�know,�I'm�able�to�keep�up with�my�Etsy�crafting�and�make a�family�meal�every�day.

But�I'm�lucky, my�children�are�advanced.

It�kind�of�feels�like�you�guys are�mom�shaming the�Prime�Minister.

Uh,�that's�impossible,�Miguel, because�we're�dads.

Still,�do�we�even�know where�Justin�stands�on�the key�issues,�like�co-sleeping?

And�what�about�swaddling, sleep�training,�cloth�diapers?

Who's�getting�up�to�give the�midnight�feeding?

That's�something�I�can relate�to.

Sometimes�my�daughter won't�take�a�bottle.

I'm�sorry,�you�give�your two-month�old�a�bottle?

Ugh.

Guys,�I'm�just going�to�say�it.

It�kinda�feels�like you're�holding�dads up�to�an�impossible�standard.

I'm�sorry,�what�do�you�expect? We're�two�upper�middle�class

white�guys talking�about�parenting.

I�thought�you�guys�were�here to�give�advice�to�new�parents.

Do�you�have any�practical�tips?

Oh,�yeah,�absolutely. Uh,�you�know...

Stay�calm,�always�pay your�nanny�under�the�table.

And�most�importantly, during�nap�time,�choose�the liquor�that's�right�for�you.

Oh,�yeah.�Self-medicating is�really�important.

This�is�a�Manhattan, straight-up.

Seriously? You�drink�when�you're�at�home with�your�children?

Okay.�Well,�now�who's mom�shaming?

Thanks�so�much,�Pat�and�Kurt.

I'm�sure�your�kids�will�not resent�you�at�all.

Back�to�you,�Emma.

Later�this�hour, an�entirely�different�show.

(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)

Breaking�news, Governor�General David�Johnston�collapsed

during�an�opening�ceremony for�a�new�library.

Doctors�say�it�was�the�result of�exhaustion,�brought�on by�his�grueling�schedule

of�doing�whatever�it�is the�governor�general�does.

According�to Johnston's�doctor...

(READING)

...in�between representing�Canada,

bringing�Canadians�together, and,�um,�visiting�places, I�guess?

In�related�news,�all 105�members�of�the�senate

are�taking�a�personal�health day�after�coming�down with�a�bad�case

of��Cirque�De�Soleil�tickets.

To�conclude�tonight, we'd�like�to�correct a�few�errors

from�last�week's�broadcast.

I�referred�to Mohamed�Taha�Siala

as�the�Libyan�Minister of�the�Interior.

He�is,�in�fact, the�Minister�of Foreign�Affairs.

I�regret�the�error.

-Big�screw�up,�Miguel. -I�know.

Last�week,�I�incorrectly reported�that�a�series of�break-ins,

featuring�devoured�leftovers, gnawed�furniture�and clawed�mattresses,

was�the�work�of�one Maureen�Pfeffer.

It�turns�out�that�this�was done�by�a�wolf.

A�pack�of�wolves, to�be�specific.

I�regret�the�error.

Maureen�Pfeffer?

Don't�you�have�a�neighbor named�Maureen�Pfeffer?

I�have�a�lot�of�neighbors, Miguel.

Fair�enough.

I�reported�that�the�best�album of�all�time�was Take�Care�by�Drake.

However,�I�re-listened to��Views�last�night, and�I�now�know

that�I�made a�monumental�mistake.

Last�week,�in�my�on-going coverage�of�"Maureen-gate",

I�publicized�Ms.�Pfeffer's e-mail�address,�password and�phone�number.

Yes,�that's�the�one.

That's�the�information I�should�not�have�shared during�the�segment

where�I�reported�she�was disturbing�the�peace with�her�howling.

Turns�out�that�was�again the�large�pack of�arctic�gray�wolves.

Yeah,�Maureen.

Wasn't�she�the�one�you�had some�sort�of�property�dispute with?

Her�tree�was�growing�over your�property�line or�something?

Yeah,�it�was four�feet,�Miguel!

My�hot�tub�is�full of�crab�apples.

Lastly,�I'd�like�to�apologize for�personally�going�to Maureen's�home

and�accusing�her�of�mauling those�two�campers�outside Surrey,�B.C.

We�at��The�Beaverton�deeply regret�this�error,

and�hope�Maureen�will�accept our�apology.

Next�week,�after�two�elk�were found�savaged�in�Nunavut,

a�terrified�nation asks�itself,

is�Maureen�at�it�again?

It's�not�journalistically responsible�to�invoke Maureen's...

(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)

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