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EMMA:��The�Liberals�have reformed�the�Senate
by�selling�off�49% of�the�seats to�the�private�sector.
MIGUEL:��Edmonton�Fashion�Week showcases�the�latest in�fringed�denim.
EMMA:��And�America�has�finally ended�the�economic�sanctions against�Cuba...
...Gooding�Jr.
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
Canada's�most�trusted source�of�aggregated news-style�content.
I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�your�anchor, Emma�Hunter.
Our�top�story,
developments�in indigenous�affairs.
Justin�Trudeau�has�apologized to�First�Nations�communities
for�the�government mistreatment�they�will�suffer in�the�next�150�years.
Trudeau�acknowledged that�the�coming�century would�be�a�difficult�one,
stating,
(READING)
"we�truly�regret what�we'll�continue�to�do."
Trudeau�went�on�to�offer more�empty�platitudes before�admitting,
like�every�PM�before�him,
it's�easier�to�beg�forgiveness for�cultural�genocide
than�to�ask�permission.
In�an�effort�to�combat wage�stagnation,
finance�minister�Bill�Morneau released�a�revolutionary�plan
advising�Canadian�families
to�upgrade�from�standard two-income�households
to�the�superior three-income�household.
Simply�by�putting your�child�to�work,
or�training�your�pet to�do�YouTube�fails,
Morneau�says Canadians�will�still�be�able to�retire�at�the�age�of�75.
For�households�with no�children,
the�report�recommends training�a�band�of�plucky, hard-working�street�urchins
as�pickpockets.
In�business�news, after�55�years,
Canada's�largest�pizza�chain, Pizza�Pizza,
announced�today�it�has hired�its�first�employee of�Italian�descent.
Bashar�Ruwaidah,
manager�of�the�location�that hired�the�Italian-Canadian,
said�he�was�skeptical�of Emilio�Manfredonia�at�first,
but�came�around when�he�heard�him�pronounce the�word�"Mozzarella".
For�his�part, Emilio�told�reporters
he�was�thrilled�to�be�joining the�Pizza�Pizza�family,
although�he�admitted his�ultimate�goal�was�to save�up�enough�money
to�open�his�own shawarma�stand.
In�international�news,
Russia's�transgressions continue�to�go�unchecked,
from�brash�cyber-attacks to�Putin�boxing�the Siberian�tiger�to�extinction.
But�when�it�comes�to�Russia's aggression�in�Ukraine,
Trudeau�believes he�finally�has�an�answer.
For�more�on�this�story,�we�go to�Marilla�Wex�in�Moscow.
MARILLA:��Nearly�a�year�after the�annexation�of�Crimea,
Russia�has�refused to�capitulate
to�international�pressure, UN�resolutions, or�trade�sanctions.
But�now�Canada�believes
that�with�a�single�stroke of�the�pen,
that�it�can�get Russia�into�line.
How?
By�cutting�off�access to�its�most�valuable foreign�export,
Just�For�Laughs�Gags.
For�nearly�a�decade, Canada's�own�hidden-camera show,�Just�For�Laughs�Gags,
has�been�the�number-one�rated program�in�Russia.
And�Trudeau�says�if Russia�doesn't�back�down,
he�will�terminate�its licensing�agreement.
There'll�be�no�more pies�to�the�face,
fake�bears,�or�blind�people pretending�to�walk�into�doors for�the�Russian�populace.
Experts�say�this�could be�disastrous for�the�Putin�regime.
TRANSLATOR:�(SPEAKING�ENGLISH) Putin�will�lose all�his�popularity
if�he�deprives�us�of the�chance�to�see people�throw�out�garbage,
only�for�the�garbage�can to�stand�up and�run�after�them,
because�someone�has�been hiding�in�the�garbage�can the�whole�time!
(LAUGHS�LOUDLY)
Concern�was�sufficient that�the�Kremlin�has commissioned�a�pilot
for�a�Russian�version of�the�show
featuring�the�classic�premise, a�phony�arrest.
(BANK�ALARM�RINGING)
(GRUNTS)
(MAN�GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
The�show�was�not well�received.
And�now,�the�balance of�European�peace rests�once�again
on�the�popular�support for�French-Canadian slapstick�comedy.
Marilla�Wex,��The�Beaverton, Moscow.
After�the�break,
our�financial�expert�tells�you how�to�protect�yourself�from identity�theft
by�being�poor�and�boring.
NARRATOR:��Life's�busy for�the�modern�woman.
(PHONE�RINGING)
Between�work�and�home�life, it�can�really�add�up.
Sometimes�it's�exhausting to�have�to�lean�in�and break�the�glass�ceiling.
You�work�hard.
And�now,�you�can play�just�as�hard
with�a�new�product that�will�revolutionize girl's�night�out.
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons.
Sleek,�compact�and�soaked in�premium�triple-distilled grain�alcohol,
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons let�you�sync�up your�party�cycles.
Low�calorie�and�in all�your�favorite�flavors,
they�deliver�refreshing cocktails
in�one�convenient�vaginal�sip.
Perfect�whether�you�want a�light�or�heavy�flow�of�fun.
From�the�makers�of Dude,�It's�Not�Gay butt�chug�ale,
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons
come�in�twelve convenient�sizes.
Including�Just�a�Couple, Tipsy,�Drunk and�Shitvagged.
With�its�patented two-minute�absorption,
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons finally�offer�the�discretion and�efficiency
to�fit�your�modern�needs.
Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons.
The�next�round's�in�you.
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)
In�environmental�news,
the�Fraser�Institute�has released�a�new�report
slamming�a�climate�change project�by�nine-year-old Ainsley�Martindon,
of�Beckerman�Elementary School.
In�their�800-page�rebuttal, Science�Un-Fair,
the�right-leaning�think�tank accuses�Ainsley�of�hiding an�anti-oil�agenda,
failing�to�obtain�peer�review
and�obviously�getting help�from�her�parents on�her�diorama.
In�a�statement�to�reporters, the�institute�said,
(READING)
"by�someone�who�we�heard�has a�crush�on�Trevor�S?"
In�the�last�year,�thousands of�Syrian�refugees
escaped�their�war-torn�country to�come�to�Canada.
For�more�on�how�they�are adapting�to�life�in�our peace-torn�country,
we�go�to�Aisha�Alfa.
AISHA:��After�opening our�borders,�and�chiseled, hairless�chests,
to�Syrian�refugees,
Canadians�are�wondering how�their�new�neighbors
are�acclimating�to their�adopted�country.
I�sat�down�with�Jason and�Lauren�Katz,
a�Toronto�couple�who sponsored�a�Syrian�family earlier�this�year,
to�get�their�take.
We�knew�we�had�to�do�something the�second�we�saw�all�those poor�people�on�the�news,
being�sponsored by�our�neighbors.
As�someone�who�came as�a�refugee�from�Winnipeg...
Oh.
...I�imagine�the�family you�brought�over is�very�grateful.
-We�like�to�think�so. -(CHUCKLES)
AISHA:��Nizar�Aziz is�an�ex-astrophysicist turned�Uber�driver.
His�wife�Vivian�is�a�former corporate�attorney now�working�at�Dollarama.
Look,�we're�just�grateful to�not�live�in�a�war�zone.
So�grateful.
And�that's�what�we�keep reminding�ourselves whenever...
Whenever�what?
Uh,�nothing.
Toronto�is...
Fine.
Yes!�Totally�fine.
I�mean,�it's�not�as sophisticated�as�Damascus...
But,�but�there�are�some�very decent-ish�restaurants.
If�you�like�eating at�Milestones.
JASON:��Oh,�man, a�few�days�ago,
we�took�Nizar�and�Vivian to�Milestones,�right?
(LAUGHS)�Oh,�yeah.
You�should've seen�their�faces.
It�was�like�they�couldn't believe�that�people ate�this�way.
(BOTH�LAUGHING)
I�cannot�believe people�eat�that�way.
So,�why�didn't�you say�something?
We�don't�want�to�embarrass Jason�and�Lauren.
We�know�how�important it�is�to�them�to�feel�like our�saviors,
so�we�just�do�the respectful�thing
and�lie�about how�impressed�we�are.
NAZIR:�Watch�this.
Mmm,�potato�skins!
(BOTH�LAUGHING)
It's�just�so�inspiring to�see�these�people
experience�luxuries that�all�of�us�just take�for�granted.
Like,�something�as�basic as�the�TTC�blows�their�minds.
It�blows�my�mind how�basic�the�TTC�is.
It's�just�a�"U"�with�a�line running�through�it!
(LAUGHING) Who�did�your�urban�planning,
a�dumb�six�year-old?�(LAUGHS)
AISHA:��But�as�the�Azizes would�soon�find�out,
their�biggest�challenge...
-Okay,�be�cool,�it's�them. -...was�yet�to�come.
Jason,�hi!
Nothing�much,�you�know.
Just�marveling at�the�conveniences of�Western�life�as�usual.
Whoa,�running�water!
You�want�us�to�meet�you�where?
So...
This�is�called a�double�double.
-I�can't. -Nizar!
I'm�sorry.�It's�just�so�bad.
Right?
It�tastes�like�garbage�water.
Then�why�are�you so�proud�of�this�place?
Because�the�commercials tell�us�to�be?
Hey,�do�you�guys�want�to�go to�the�indie�coffee�shop down�the�street?
-Yeah,�let's�go! -Yeah.
AISHA:��Lying�to�spare people's�feelings?
Hating�Toronto?
Secretly�thinking Tim's�coffee�sucks?
Sounds�like�these�refugees�are assimilating�to�Canadian�life
even�better�than their�sponsors�realized.
For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.
Thanks,�Aisha, for�that�excellent�report.
She�can't�hear�you.
At��The�Beaverton, we�report�the�news you�want�to�hear.
This�week,�the�headline with�the�most�upvotes,
and�therefore the�most�deserving of�coverage,
Five�War�Atrocities�Only '90s�Kids�Remember.
Number�five,�Sierra�Leone.
From��Big�Shiny�Tunes to�big�shiny�machetes,
nothing�says�'90s like�a�severed�limb wearing�a�slap�bracelet!
We�discussed�this�morning I�wanted�no�part�in making�light�of�tragedy,
but�I�am�a�professional and�this�is�my�job,
so�number�four�is�Angola.
It�was�terrible.
(EMMA�CLEARS�THROAT)
As�terrible�as�the�graphics on�Sega�Genesis.
(LAUGHS)
Number�three. Running�out�of�frosting with�half�your�Dunkaroos�left.
Talk�about�a�real�tragedy.
Okay,�so, this�graphic�is�wrong.
The�Hutus�were the�perpetrators.
And�the�prompter�is�giving me�a�Stone�Temple�Pilots reference
that�I�do�not�understand.
And�at�number�one, the�Energizer�Bunny of�ethnic�cleansing,
Slobodan...�(MUMBLES)
In�Slovenia,�Croatia, Bosnia,�Kosovo,
he�just�kept�going and�going�and�going...
Let's�cut�to�commercial before�we�traumatize any�more�survivors.
After�the�break,�homeless people's�most�epic social�media�fails.
-Slobodan�Milosovic... -(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH)
He�was�one�of the�worst�people
-of�that�era... -(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH)
-You�shouldn't�be�making light�of�anything... -EMMA:�(LAUGHING)�It's�okay.
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)
Coming�up�later on��The�Beaverton...
EMMA:��The�World�Bowling Championship�was�canceled this�weekend
due�to�a�scheduling�conflict with�an�eight-year-old's birthday�party.
MIGUEL:��The�Atlantic Lottery�Corporation
commits�to�cracking�down on�problem�gambling
with�their�new Russian�Roulette�centers.
EMMA:��And�are�the�Liberals falling�short�of�their campaign�promise
to�be�cool�dudes with�chill�attitudes?
Now�it's�time�to�check�in�with our�expert�in�all�things�tech,
Dave�Barclay.
A�new�travel�app�has�been getting�some�massive�buzz.
Thumbed,�which�Palo�Alto insiders�have�dubbed
"Uber�for�hitchhikers,"
promises�to�revolutionize the�way�we�get�into�cars with�strangers.
Gone�are�the�days�of�sticking out�your�thumb�for�hours
waiting�for�a�kind�stranger or�potential�psycho.
Now,�simply�mark�your�location on�the�GPS
and�choose�whether you�want�to�murder, be�murdered,
or�just�watch and�have�a�secret.
What�do�you�make of�claims�that�Thumbed underpays�its�drivers?
Yep.
Now,�our�next�app is�for�the�ladies!
Girls,�how�annoying�is�it to�walk�down�the�street and�get�yelled�at�by�creeps?
It's�vile.
I'm�also�against�that.
Don't�you�wish there�was�an�easier�way?
Well,�your�prayers�have been�answered�by�the developers�of�Caterwaul,
the�latest�way to�be�objectified
by�the�random�men in�your�life.
Anyone�who�owns�a�phone and�decides�he�deserves�you
can�discreetly�send sexually�aggressive�threats directly�to�your�device.
Do�they�expect women�to�buy�this?
(CHUCKLES)�Of�course�not.
With�Caterwaul's�innovative "Meow-sogyny"�system,
random�bros�in�your�area�can load�the�app�onto�your�phone whether�you�want�it�or�not.
And�they're�pretty�sure you�know�you�want�it.
For�instance,�Emma, check�your�phone.
(CHUCKLING) Oh,�okay,�that's�cool.
Oh,�gross,�Dave.
This�is�textbook sexual�harassment.
Uh-uh. Read�the�terms�and�conditions.
It�states�Emma�implicitly agreed�to�receive genital�photographs
by�being�a�woman�who�is�alive.
Why�does�it�curve�downward?
Oh,�it's,�uh...�It's�still in�the�beta�testing. (CHUCKLES)
Your�tattoo�has�a�typo.
Oh,�no,�that's�how I�spell�"Dragon".
So,�are�the�balls�on�the�top?
It's�a�totally fine�penis,�okay?
(DAVE�SIGHS)
Taking�a�page�from Gwyneth�Paltrow's��Goop,
Canadian�literary�icon Margaret�Atwood�has�made a�controversial�career�pivot
by�launching�her own�lifestyle�brand.
Atwood's��4lorn�promises�to�be
the�online�magazine�for the�postmodern�feminist
surviving�in the�malevolent�North.
There�will�also be�a�baking�section.
While��4lorn's�articles�on
"Super�foods for�the�climate�apocalypse" have�received�a�lot�of�shares,
some�have�criticized its�hairstyling�tips.
Following�suit, Nobel�Prize�winner�Alice�Munro
has�also�released a�lifestyle�blog,
catering�mostly�to small-town�people who�want�to�look�fabulous
while�facing a�late�life�crisis
rooted�in�an�act�of�violence they�witnessed�as�a�child.
The�RCMP�is�launching a�task�force
to�finally�start�cracking�down on�white-collar�crime.
MIGUEL:��We're�joined�now�by RCMP�spokesman�Thomas�Veroni.
Sir,�why�now?
The�people�have�had�enough.
After�the Panama�Papers�scandal,
we�took�a�cold,�hard�look at�white-collar�criminals,
and�we�were�shocked�by�how many�of�them�were�minorities.
Sorry,�minorities?
Yes.�You�hear�"bank�fraud" and�you�just�assume�it's�a�guy in�pleated�khakis�named�Jim.
We�don't�have�a�lot�of experience�targeting guys�like�that.
But�thanks�to�social�progress,
some�white-collar�criminals are�black,�South�Asian, even�Aboriginal.
Once�we�found�that�out, we�were�like,�"Ba-bam! Right�in�our�wheelhouse."
Are�you�saying�minorities commit�corporate�crimes
at�higher�rates than�white�men?
Oh,�no.�Absolutely�not.
All�I'm�saying�is�that we�didn't�care�about insider�trading
when�white�people�were the�only�ones�doing�it,
and�now�we�care�a�lot.
So�what's�the�strategy for�this�task�force?
Are�you�hiring�more forensic�accountants and�former�bankers?
Oh,�of�course�not.�(CHUCKLES)
We're�adapting�the�techniques we�mastered�over�the�years of�prosecuting�ethnic�groups.
Carding�black�stock-traders,
pulling�over�black�men driving�down�Bay�Street in�fancy�cars,
kettling�black�CEOs.
You�know,�the�classics.
Wait.�So�are�you�just rounding�up�wealthy�black�men?
And�black�women.
Okay.
They�can�commit�fraud�too.
This�is,�after�all, Justin�Trudeau's�Canada.
I�don't�think�incarcerating more�people�of�color is�what�he�had�in�mind.
Oh,�so�you're�against minorities�succeeding�enough in�the�corporate�world
to�start�committing�fraud? (LAUGHS)
Now�who's�racist?
Still�you.
When�we�return,
is�Winnipeg�ready for�a�Mega-Tsunami?
For�most�couples, a�trip�to�IKEA
can�be�a�relationship-testing experience.
In�response�to�this�issue,
the�Swedish�furniture�giant is�offering�a�new�service, divorce.
IKEA�says�93%�of�couples
cannot�survive a�five-hour�odyssey through�the�showroom.
With�their�new�divorce�kiosk,
you�can�legally dissolve�your�marriage
in�the�time�it�takes to�assemble�the�daybed you'll�be�sleeping�on
until�you�can�find your�own�place.
One�satisfied�customer explained,
"We�went�in, fought�over�a�kitchen�design,
"cried�while�eating�meatballs,
"then�efficiently�divided our�marital�assets.
"We�also�got�candles."
It's�regrettable, but�there�is�no�Allen�key to�the�human�heart.
Don't.
Let's�go�now�to�a�special report�by�Eddie�Zheng,
the�original�bad-boy restaurateur.
EDDIE:��Name's�Eddie�Zheng,
my�restaurant's�called Dim�Sum�of�All�Fears.
I�never�wanted�to�be�an award-winning�chef...
-Whoo-hoo! -...but�this�is�the�food I�grew�up�loving,
so�eventually, I�was�like,�fuck�it.
Is�that�all�you�got, you�dumb�motherfucker? (LAUGHING)
Yo,�check�it. Today,�I'm�hitting�up
the�St.�Lawrence�Factory Farmer's�Market.
Yo,�this�my�man Trevor�MacNamara.
Suckers�waste�money on�rinky-dink�local�farm�shit,
but�if�you�want�great�food,
come�on, you�need�great�produce.
Our�farm,�it's�so�great, you�can�see�it from�outer�space.
(SCREAMS�WILDLY)
Right�here!
-Oh! -(LAUGHS)
Yo,�man, what's�in�these�coolers?
Well,�a�lot�of�our�customers prefer�a�certain
factory�farm-to-table experience,�so...
Yo,�you�telling�me�there's a�live�chicken�up�in�here?
Ten�chickens.�(LAUGHS)
(IMITATING�ZAPPING) Chicken's�ready.
You're�right,�chicken�tonight.
Presentation�is everything,�fam.
Yo,�why's�this�milk all�yellow�and�shit?
It's�factory-farm whole�milk,�dude.
Still�got�the�pus�in�it. (CHUCKLES)
Yo.�So,�what's�this�mean�for, like,�society�and�shit?
Before�the�factory-farming movement,
only�rich�people could�afford�to�eat�nitrates with�every�meal.
But�now,�because�of�us, other�way�'round.
Yeah,�straight�up.
Everybody�should�have the�opportunity�to�eat�like a�16th-century�king
who's�going�to�have a�heart�attack�at�35.
-What? -(LAUGHS)
Yeah,�so,�Hot�T,�what�am�I purchasing�tonight?
Dude,�I�have�just�the�thing.
This�chuck�roast�is genetically�engineered to�keep�bleeding.
And�not�only�that, it�still�feels�pain,�dude.
Oh,�damn!
My�man's�taken�fresh�food to�a�whole�'nother�level.
Yeah!
Ha!�We�eating�tonight, bitches.
You�vegetarian? Go�fuck�yourself.
Tastes�good,�boys.
You�know, at�the�end�of�the�day,
the�game's�about what�it's�always�been�about.
Good�friends, food�for�the�people,
and�only�the�very,�very,�very freshest�of�ingredients.
This�is��The�Beaverton, and�I'm�your�boy�Eddie�Zheng.
Ooh!�You�taste�that�heartbeat?
Sometimes,�we�at The�Beaverton�make�mistakes.
Last�week, I�gave�favorable�coverage
of�certain�Canadian financial�institutions that�some�people
believe�constituted a�conflict�of�interest.
During�my�investigative�report on�how�TD�Bank is�the�best�in�the�nation,
I�should�have�noted that�I�have�been employed�by�TD
to�do�corporate�events in�the�past.
And�despite�the�fact�that�it would�have�disrupted�the�flow,
my�financial�ties�to�BMO should�have�been�mentioned
during�my�musical�tribute BMO�is�Gonna�Rock�You.
Oh�and,�um,�I�am�sorry I�bit�the�network's�auditor
when�he�tried�to�look at�my�financial�statements.
I'm�sorry,�Rob,�I�don't�know why�it�hasn't�healed�yet.
You�know...�Sorry...
(SHAKILY)�This�has�been a�humbling�experience.
And�if�I�could�just�speak from�the�heart�for�a�moment,
I�would�like�to�thank my�co-host,�Miguel,
no,�for�standing�by and�encouraging�me
while�I�was�manipulating these�stories.
You�always�have�my�back...
Well...
...no�matter�how unethical�my�behavior.
You�are�a�true�friend...
Sorry.
...some�might�even�say, accomplice.
Just�to...�Just�to�clarify, I�didn't�have�anything�to...
It�is�you�and�me,�Miguel.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Emma�Hunter.
And�I'm�Miguel�Rivas, who�would�like�to�point�out,
once�again,�I�had�nothing to�do�with�any�of�these transgressions,
-and�being�lumped�in... -If�I�ever�needed�to get�out�of�jail,
he�would�be�the�guy I�would�call.
She's�okay once�you�get�to�know�her,
but�she�kinda�goes off�the�rails�sometimes...
And�that�hasn't�happened�yet, but�if�it�did...
(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)
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