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Original subtitles

EMMA:��The�Liberals�have reformed�the�Senate

by�selling�off�49% of�the�seats to�the�private�sector.

MIGUEL:��Edmonton�Fashion�Week showcases�the�latest in�fringed�denim.

EMMA:��And�America�has�finally ended�the�economic�sanctions against�Cuba...

...Gooding�Jr.

(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

Canada's�most�trusted source�of�aggregated news-style�content.

I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�your�anchor, Emma�Hunter.

Our�top�story,

developments�in indigenous�affairs.

Justin�Trudeau�has�apologized to�First�Nations�communities

for�the�government mistreatment�they�will�suffer in�the�next�150�years.

Trudeau�acknowledged that�the�coming�century would�be�a�difficult�one,

stating,

(READING)

"we�truly�regret what�we'll�continue�to�do."

Trudeau�went�on�to�offer more�empty�platitudes before�admitting,

like�every�PM�before�him,

it's�easier�to�beg�forgiveness for�cultural�genocide

than�to�ask�permission.

In�an�effort�to�combat wage�stagnation,

finance�minister�Bill�Morneau released�a�revolutionary�plan

advising�Canadian�families

to�upgrade�from�standard two-income�households

to�the�superior three-income�household.

Simply�by�putting your�child�to�work,

or�training�your�pet to�do�YouTube�fails,

Morneau�says Canadians�will�still�be�able to�retire�at�the�age�of�75.

For�households�with no�children,

the�report�recommends training�a�band�of�plucky, hard-working�street�urchins

as�pickpockets.

In�business�news, after�55�years,

Canada's�largest�pizza�chain, Pizza�Pizza,

announced�today�it�has hired�its�first�employee of�Italian�descent.

Bashar�Ruwaidah,

manager�of�the�location�that hired�the�Italian-Canadian,

said�he�was�skeptical�of Emilio�Manfredonia�at�first,

but�came�around when�he�heard�him�pronounce the�word�"Mozzarella".

For�his�part, Emilio�told�reporters

he�was�thrilled�to�be�joining the�Pizza�Pizza�family,

although�he�admitted his�ultimate�goal�was�to save�up�enough�money

to�open�his�own shawarma�stand.

In�international�news,

Russia's�transgressions continue�to�go�unchecked,

from�brash�cyber-attacks to�Putin�boxing�the Siberian�tiger�to�extinction.

But�when�it�comes�to�Russia's aggression�in�Ukraine,

Trudeau�believes he�finally�has�an�answer.

For�more�on�this�story,�we�go to�Marilla�Wex�in�Moscow.

MARILLA:��Nearly�a�year�after the�annexation�of�Crimea,

Russia�has�refused to�capitulate

to�international�pressure, UN�resolutions, or�trade�sanctions.

But�now�Canada�believes

that�with�a�single�stroke of�the�pen,

that�it�can�get Russia�into�line.

How?

By�cutting�off�access to�its�most�valuable foreign�export,

Just�For�Laughs�Gags.

For�nearly�a�decade, Canada's�own�hidden-camera show,�Just�For�Laughs�Gags,

has�been�the�number-one�rated program�in�Russia.

And�Trudeau�says�if Russia�doesn't�back�down,

he�will�terminate�its licensing�agreement.

There'll�be�no�more pies�to�the�face,

fake�bears,�or�blind�people pretending�to�walk�into�doors for�the�Russian�populace.

Experts�say�this�could be�disastrous for�the�Putin�regime.

TRANSLATOR:�(SPEAKING�ENGLISH) Putin�will�lose all�his�popularity

if�he�deprives�us�of the�chance�to�see people�throw�out�garbage,

only�for�the�garbage�can to�stand�up and�run�after�them,

because�someone�has�been hiding�in�the�garbage�can the�whole�time!

(LAUGHS�LOUDLY)

Concern�was�sufficient that�the�Kremlin�has commissioned�a�pilot

for�a�Russian�version of�the�show

featuring�the�classic�premise, a�phony�arrest.

(BANK�ALARM�RINGING)

(GRUNTS)

(MAN�GROANS)

(GRUNTING)

The�show�was�not well�received.

And�now,�the�balance of�European�peace rests�once�again

on�the�popular�support for�French-Canadian slapstick�comedy.

Marilla�Wex,��The�Beaverton, Moscow.

After�the�break,

our�financial�expert�tells�you how�to�protect�yourself�from identity�theft

by�being�poor�and�boring.

NARRATOR:��Life's�busy for�the�modern�woman.

(PHONE�RINGING)

Between�work�and�home�life, it�can�really�add�up.

Sometimes�it's�exhausting to�have�to�lean�in�and break�the�glass�ceiling.

You�work�hard.

And�now,�you�can play�just�as�hard

with�a�new�product that�will�revolutionize girl's�night�out.

Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons.

Sleek,�compact�and�soaked in�premium�triple-distilled grain�alcohol,

Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons let�you�sync�up your�party�cycles.

Low�calorie�and�in all�your�favorite�flavors,

they�deliver�refreshing cocktails

in�one�convenient�vaginal�sip.

Perfect�whether�you�want a�light�or�heavy�flow�of�fun.

From�the�makers�of Dude,�It's�Not�Gay butt�chug�ale,

Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons

come�in�twelve convenient�sizes.

Including�Just�a�Couple, Tipsy,�Drunk and�Shitvagged.

With�its�patented two-minute�absorption,

Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons finally�offer�the�discretion and�efficiency

to�fit�your�modern�needs.

Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons.

The�next�round's�in�you.

(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)

In�environmental�news,

the�Fraser�Institute�has released�a�new�report

slamming�a�climate�change project�by�nine-year-old Ainsley�Martindon,

of�Beckerman�Elementary School.

In�their�800-page�rebuttal, Science�Un-Fair,

the�right-leaning�think�tank accuses�Ainsley�of�hiding an�anti-oil�agenda,

failing�to�obtain�peer�review

and�obviously�getting help�from�her�parents on�her�diorama.

In�a�statement�to�reporters, the�institute�said,

(READING)

"by�someone�who�we�heard�has a�crush�on�Trevor�S?"

In�the�last�year,�thousands of�Syrian�refugees

escaped�their�war-torn�country to�come�to�Canada.

For�more�on�how�they�are adapting�to�life�in�our peace-torn�country,

we�go�to�Aisha�Alfa.

AISHA:��After�opening our�borders,�and�chiseled, hairless�chests,

to�Syrian�refugees,

Canadians�are�wondering how�their�new�neighbors

are�acclimating�to their�adopted�country.

I�sat�down�with�Jason and�Lauren�Katz,

a�Toronto�couple�who sponsored�a�Syrian�family earlier�this�year,

to�get�their�take.

We�knew�we�had�to�do�something the�second�we�saw�all�those poor�people�on�the�news,

being�sponsored by�our�neighbors.

As�someone�who�came as�a�refugee�from�Winnipeg...

Oh.

...I�imagine�the�family you�brought�over is�very�grateful.

-We�like�to�think�so. -(CHUCKLES)

AISHA:��Nizar�Aziz is�an�ex-astrophysicist turned�Uber�driver.

His�wife�Vivian�is�a�former corporate�attorney now�working�at�Dollarama.

Look,�we're�just�grateful to�not�live�in�a�war�zone.

So�grateful.

And�that's�what�we�keep reminding�ourselves whenever...

Whenever�what?

Uh,�nothing.

Toronto�is...

Fine.

Yes!�Totally�fine.

I�mean,�it's�not�as sophisticated�as�Damascus...

But,�but�there�are�some�very decent-ish�restaurants.

If�you�like�eating at�Milestones.

JASON:��Oh,�man, a�few�days�ago,

we�took�Nizar�and�Vivian to�Milestones,�right?

(LAUGHS)�Oh,�yeah.

You�should've seen�their�faces.

It�was�like�they�couldn't believe�that�people ate�this�way.

(BOTH�LAUGHING)

I�cannot�believe people�eat�that�way.

So,�why�didn't�you say�something?

We�don't�want�to�embarrass Jason�and�Lauren.

We�know�how�important it�is�to�them�to�feel�like our�saviors,

so�we�just�do�the respectful�thing

and�lie�about how�impressed�we�are.

NAZIR:�Watch�this.

Mmm,�potato�skins!

(BOTH�LAUGHING)

It's�just�so�inspiring to�see�these�people

experience�luxuries that�all�of�us�just take�for�granted.

Like,�something�as�basic as�the�TTC�blows�their�minds.

It�blows�my�mind how�basic�the�TTC�is.

It's�just�a�"U"�with�a�line running�through�it!

(LAUGHING) Who�did�your�urban�planning,

a�dumb�six�year-old?�(LAUGHS)

AISHA:��But�as�the�Azizes would�soon�find�out,

their�biggest�challenge...

-Okay,�be�cool,�it's�them. -...was�yet�to�come.

Jason,�hi!

Nothing�much,�you�know.

Just�marveling at�the�conveniences of�Western�life�as�usual.

Whoa,�running�water!

You�want�us�to�meet�you�where?

So...

This�is�called a�double�double.

-I�can't. -Nizar!

I'm�sorry.�It's�just�so�bad.

Right?

It�tastes�like�garbage�water.

Then�why�are�you so�proud�of�this�place?

Because�the�commercials tell�us�to�be?

Hey,�do�you�guys�want�to�go to�the�indie�coffee�shop down�the�street?

-Yeah,�let's�go! -Yeah.

AISHA:��Lying�to�spare people's�feelings?

Hating�Toronto?

Secretly�thinking Tim's�coffee�sucks?

Sounds�like�these�refugees�are assimilating�to�Canadian�life

even�better�than their�sponsors�realized.

For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa.

Thanks,�Aisha, for�that�excellent�report.

She�can't�hear�you.

At��The�Beaverton, we�report�the�news you�want�to�hear.

This�week,�the�headline with�the�most�upvotes,

and�therefore the�most�deserving of�coverage,

Five�War�Atrocities�Only '90s�Kids�Remember.

Number�five,�Sierra�Leone.

From��Big�Shiny�Tunes to�big�shiny�machetes,

nothing�says�'90s like�a�severed�limb wearing�a�slap�bracelet!

We�discussed�this�morning I�wanted�no�part�in making�light�of�tragedy,

but�I�am�a�professional and�this�is�my�job,

so�number�four�is�Angola.

It�was�terrible.

(EMMA�CLEARS�THROAT)

As�terrible�as�the�graphics on�Sega�Genesis.

(LAUGHS)

Number�three. Running�out�of�frosting with�half�your�Dunkaroos�left.

Talk�about�a�real�tragedy.

Okay,�so, this�graphic�is�wrong.

The�Hutus�were the�perpetrators.

And�the�prompter�is�giving me�a�Stone�Temple�Pilots reference

that�I�do�not�understand.

And�at�number�one, the�Energizer�Bunny of�ethnic�cleansing,

Slobodan...�(MUMBLES)

In�Slovenia,�Croatia, Bosnia,�Kosovo,

he�just�kept�going and�going�and�going...

Let's�cut�to�commercial before�we�traumatize any�more�survivors.

After�the�break,�homeless people's�most�epic social�media�fails.

-Slobodan�Milosovic... -(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH)

He�was�one�of the�worst�people

-of�that�era... -(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH)

-You�shouldn't�be�making light�of�anything... -EMMA:�(LAUGHING)�It's�okay.

(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)

Coming�up�later on��The�Beaverton...

EMMA:��The�World�Bowling Championship�was�canceled this�weekend

due�to�a�scheduling�conflict with�an�eight-year-old's birthday�party.

MIGUEL:��The�Atlantic Lottery�Corporation

commits�to�cracking�down on�problem�gambling

with�their�new Russian�Roulette�centers.

EMMA:��And�are�the�Liberals falling�short�of�their campaign�promise

to�be�cool�dudes with�chill�attitudes?

Now�it's�time�to�check�in�with our�expert�in�all�things�tech,

Dave�Barclay.

A�new�travel�app�has�been getting�some�massive�buzz.

Thumbed,�which�Palo�Alto insiders�have�dubbed

"Uber�for�hitchhikers,"

promises�to�revolutionize the�way�we�get�into�cars with�strangers.

Gone�are�the�days�of�sticking out�your�thumb�for�hours

waiting�for�a�kind�stranger or�potential�psycho.

Now,�simply�mark�your�location on�the�GPS

and�choose�whether you�want�to�murder, be�murdered,

or�just�watch and�have�a�secret.

What�do�you�make of�claims�that�Thumbed underpays�its�drivers?

Yep.

Now,�our�next�app is�for�the�ladies!

Girls,�how�annoying�is�it to�walk�down�the�street and�get�yelled�at�by�creeps?

It's�vile.

I'm�also�against�that.

Don't�you�wish there�was�an�easier�way?

Well,�your�prayers�have been�answered�by�the developers�of�Caterwaul,

the�latest�way to�be�objectified

by�the�random�men in�your�life.

Anyone�who�owns�a�phone and�decides�he�deserves�you

can�discreetly�send sexually�aggressive�threats directly�to�your�device.

Do�they�expect women�to�buy�this?

(CHUCKLES)�Of�course�not.

With�Caterwaul's�innovative "Meow-sogyny"�system,

random�bros�in�your�area�can load�the�app�onto�your�phone whether�you�want�it�or�not.

And�they're�pretty�sure you�know�you�want�it.

For�instance,�Emma, check�your�phone.

(CHUCKLING) Oh,�okay,�that's�cool.

Oh,�gross,�Dave.

This�is�textbook sexual�harassment.

Uh-uh. Read�the�terms�and�conditions.

It�states�Emma�implicitly agreed�to�receive genital�photographs

by�being�a�woman�who�is�alive.

Why�does�it�curve�downward?

Oh,�it's,�uh...�It's�still in�the�beta�testing. (CHUCKLES)

Your�tattoo�has�a�typo.

Oh,�no,�that's�how I�spell�"Dragon".

So,�are�the�balls�on�the�top?

It's�a�totally fine�penis,�okay?

(DAVE�SIGHS)

Taking�a�page�from Gwyneth�Paltrow's��Goop,

Canadian�literary�icon Margaret�Atwood�has�made a�controversial�career�pivot

by�launching�her own�lifestyle�brand.

Atwood's��4lorn�promises�to�be

the�online�magazine�for the�postmodern�feminist

surviving�in the�malevolent�North.

There�will�also be�a�baking�section.

While��4lorn's�articles�on

"Super�foods for�the�climate�apocalypse" have�received�a�lot�of�shares,

some�have�criticized its�hairstyling�tips.

Following�suit, Nobel�Prize�winner�Alice�Munro

has�also�released a�lifestyle�blog,

catering�mostly�to small-town�people who�want�to�look�fabulous

while�facing a�late�life�crisis

rooted�in�an�act�of�violence they�witnessed�as�a�child.

The�RCMP�is�launching a�task�force

to�finally�start�cracking�down on�white-collar�crime.

MIGUEL:��We're�joined�now�by RCMP�spokesman�Thomas�Veroni.

Sir,�why�now?

The�people�have�had�enough.

After�the Panama�Papers�scandal,

we�took�a�cold,�hard�look at�white-collar�criminals,

and�we�were�shocked�by�how many�of�them�were�minorities.

Sorry,�minorities?

Yes.�You�hear�"bank�fraud" and�you�just�assume�it's�a�guy in�pleated�khakis�named�Jim.

We�don't�have�a�lot�of experience�targeting guys�like�that.

But�thanks�to�social�progress,

some�white-collar�criminals are�black,�South�Asian, even�Aboriginal.

Once�we�found�that�out, we�were�like,�"Ba-bam! Right�in�our�wheelhouse."

Are�you�saying�minorities commit�corporate�crimes

at�higher�rates than�white�men?

Oh,�no.�Absolutely�not.

All�I'm�saying�is�that we�didn't�care�about insider�trading

when�white�people�were the�only�ones�doing�it,

and�now�we�care�a�lot.

So�what's�the�strategy for�this�task�force?

Are�you�hiring�more forensic�accountants and�former�bankers?

Oh,�of�course�not.�(CHUCKLES)

We're�adapting�the�techniques we�mastered�over�the�years of�prosecuting�ethnic�groups.

Carding�black�stock-traders,

pulling�over�black�men driving�down�Bay�Street in�fancy�cars,

kettling�black�CEOs.

You�know,�the�classics.

Wait.�So�are�you�just rounding�up�wealthy�black�men?

And�black�women.

Okay.

They�can�commit�fraud�too.

This�is,�after�all, Justin�Trudeau's�Canada.

I�don't�think�incarcerating more�people�of�color is�what�he�had�in�mind.

Oh,�so�you're�against minorities�succeeding�enough in�the�corporate�world

to�start�committing�fraud? (LAUGHS)

Now�who's�racist?

Still�you.

When�we�return,

is�Winnipeg�ready for�a�Mega-Tsunami?

For�most�couples, a�trip�to�IKEA

can�be�a�relationship-testing experience.

In�response�to�this�issue,

the�Swedish�furniture�giant is�offering�a�new�service, divorce.

IKEA�says�93%�of�couples

cannot�survive a�five-hour�odyssey through�the�showroom.

With�their�new�divorce�kiosk,

you�can�legally dissolve�your�marriage

in�the�time�it�takes to�assemble�the�daybed you'll�be�sleeping�on

until�you�can�find your�own�place.

One�satisfied�customer explained,

"We�went�in, fought�over�a�kitchen�design,

"cried�while�eating�meatballs,

"then�efficiently�divided our�marital�assets.

"We�also�got�candles."

It's�regrettable, but�there�is�no�Allen�key to�the�human�heart.

Don't.

Let's�go�now�to�a�special report�by�Eddie�Zheng,

the�original�bad-boy restaurateur.

EDDIE:��Name's�Eddie�Zheng,

my�restaurant's�called Dim�Sum�of�All�Fears.

I�never�wanted�to�be�an award-winning�chef...

-Whoo-hoo! -...but�this�is�the�food I�grew�up�loving,

so�eventually, I�was�like,�fuck�it.

Is�that�all�you�got, you�dumb�motherfucker? (LAUGHING)

Yo,�check�it. Today,�I'm�hitting�up

the�St.�Lawrence�Factory Farmer's�Market.

Yo,�this�my�man Trevor�MacNamara.

Suckers�waste�money on�rinky-dink�local�farm�shit,

but�if�you�want�great�food,

come�on, you�need�great�produce.

Our�farm,�it's�so�great, you�can�see�it from�outer�space.

(SCREAMS�WILDLY)

Right�here!

-Oh! -(LAUGHS)

Yo,�man, what's�in�these�coolers?

Well,�a�lot�of�our�customers prefer�a�certain

factory�farm-to-table experience,�so...

Yo,�you�telling�me�there's a�live�chicken�up�in�here?

Ten�chickens.�(LAUGHS)

(IMITATING�ZAPPING) Chicken's�ready.

You're�right,�chicken�tonight.

Presentation�is everything,�fam.

Yo,�why's�this�milk all�yellow�and�shit?

It's�factory-farm whole�milk,�dude.

Still�got�the�pus�in�it. (CHUCKLES)

Yo.�So,�what's�this�mean�for, like,�society�and�shit?

Before�the�factory-farming movement,

only�rich�people could�afford�to�eat�nitrates with�every�meal.

But�now,�because�of�us, other�way�'round.

Yeah,�straight�up.

Everybody�should�have the�opportunity�to�eat�like a�16th-century�king

who's�going�to�have a�heart�attack�at�35.

-What? -(LAUGHS)

Yeah,�so,�Hot�T,�what�am�I purchasing�tonight?

Dude,�I�have�just�the�thing.

This�chuck�roast�is genetically�engineered to�keep�bleeding.

And�not�only�that, it�still�feels�pain,�dude.

Oh,�damn!

My�man's�taken�fresh�food to�a�whole�'nother�level.

Yeah!

Ha!�We�eating�tonight, bitches.

You�vegetarian? Go�fuck�yourself.

Tastes�good,�boys.

You�know, at�the�end�of�the�day,

the�game's�about what�it's�always�been�about.

Good�friends, food�for�the�people,

and�only�the�very,�very,�very freshest�of�ingredients.

This�is��The�Beaverton, and�I'm�your�boy�Eddie�Zheng.

Ooh!�You�taste�that�heartbeat?

Sometimes,�we�at The�Beaverton�make�mistakes.

Last�week, I�gave�favorable�coverage

of�certain�Canadian financial�institutions that�some�people

believe�constituted a�conflict�of�interest.

During�my�investigative�report on�how�TD�Bank is�the�best�in�the�nation,

I�should�have�noted that�I�have�been employed�by�TD

to�do�corporate�events in�the�past.

And�despite�the�fact�that�it would�have�disrupted�the�flow,

my�financial�ties�to�BMO should�have�been�mentioned

during�my�musical�tribute BMO�is�Gonna�Rock�You.

Oh�and,�um,�I�am�sorry I�bit�the�network's�auditor

when�he�tried�to�look at�my�financial�statements.

I'm�sorry,�Rob,�I�don't�know why�it�hasn't�healed�yet.

You�know...�Sorry...

(SHAKILY)�This�has�been a�humbling�experience.

And�if�I�could�just�speak from�the�heart�for�a�moment,

I�would�like�to�thank my�co-host,�Miguel,

no,�for�standing�by and�encouraging�me

while�I�was�manipulating these�stories.

You�always�have�my�back...

Well...

...no�matter�how unethical�my�behavior.

You�are�a�true�friend...

Sorry.

...some�might�even�say, accomplice.

Just�to...�Just�to�clarify, I�didn't�have�anything�to...

It�is�you�and�me,�Miguel.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Emma�Hunter.

And�I'm�Miguel�Rivas, who�would�like�to�point�out,

once�again,�I�had�nothing to�do�with�any�of�these transgressions,

-and�being�lumped�in... -If�I�ever�needed�to get�out�of�jail,

he�would�be�the�guy I�would�call.

She's�okay once�you�get�to�know�her,

but�she�kinda�goes off�the�rails�sometimes...

And�that�hasn't�happened�yet, but�if�it�did...

(AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING)

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