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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:05,607 EMMA:��The�Liberals�have reformed�the�Senate 2 00:00:05,638 --> 00:00:09,938 by�selling�off�49% of�the�seats to�the�private�sector. 3 00:00:09,976 --> 00:00:13,806 MIGUEL:��Edmonton�Fashion�Week showcases�the�latest in�fringed�denim. 4 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:17,947 EMMA:��And�America�has�finally ended�the�economic�sanctions against�Cuba... 5 00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,354 ...Gooding�Jr. 6 00:00:27,727 --> 00:00:29,157 (AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING) 7 00:00:35,402 --> 00:00:37,072 Welcome�to��The�Beaverton, 8 00:00:37,103 --> 00:00:40,573 Canada's�most�trusted source�of�aggregated news-style�content. 9 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:42,177 I'm�your�host,�Miguel�Rivas. 10 00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:44,008 And�I'm�your�anchor, Emma�Hunter. 11 00:00:46,212 --> 00:00:47,452 Our�top�story, 12 00:00:47,480 --> 00:00:49,450 developments�in indigenous�affairs. 13 00:00:49,482 --> 00:00:52,352 Justin�Trudeau�has�apologized to�First�Nations�communities 14 00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:58,015 for�the�government mistreatment�they�will�suffer in�the�next�150�years. 15 00:00:58,058 --> 00:01:00,958 Trudeau�acknowledged that�the�coming�century would�be�a�difficult�one, 16 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,134 stating, 17 00:01:02,162 --> 00:01:10,102 (READING) 18 00:01:10,136 --> 00:01:13,466 "we�truly�regret what�we'll�continue�to�do." 19 00:01:13,506 --> 00:01:16,376 Trudeau�went�on�to�offer more�empty�platitudes before�admitting, 20 00:01:16,409 --> 00:01:17,939 like�every�PM�before�him, 21 00:01:17,977 --> 00:01:20,777 it's�easier�to�beg�forgiveness for�cultural�genocide 22 00:01:20,814 --> 00:01:22,224 than�to�ask�permission. 23 00:01:23,683 --> 00:01:25,653 In�an�effort�to�combat wage�stagnation, 24 00:01:25,685 --> 00:01:28,715 finance�minister�Bill�Morneau released�a�revolutionary�plan 25 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,315 advising�Canadian�families 26 00:01:30,356 --> 00:01:32,926 to�upgrade�from�standard two-income�households 27 00:01:32,959 --> 00:01:36,399 to�the�superior three-income�household. 28 00:01:36,429 --> 00:01:38,029 Simply�by�putting your�child�to�work, 29 00:01:38,064 --> 00:01:40,704 or�training�your�pet to�do�YouTube�fails, 30 00:01:40,733 --> 00:01:44,643 Morneau�says Canadians�will�still�be�able to�retire�at�the�age�of�75. 31 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:47,812 For�households�with no�children, 32 00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,541 the�report�recommends training�a�band�of�plucky, hard-working�street�urchins 33 00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:52,877 as�pickpockets. 34 00:01:52,912 --> 00:01:54,982 In�business�news, after�55�years, 35 00:01:55,014 --> 00:01:57,524 Canada's�largest�pizza�chain, Pizza�Pizza, 36 00:01:57,550 --> 00:02:00,990 announced�today�it�has hired�its�first�employee of�Italian�descent. 37 00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:02,520 Bashar�Ruwaidah, 38 00:02:02,555 --> 00:02:04,915 manager�of�the�location�that hired�the�Italian-Canadian, 39 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,788 said�he�was�skeptical�of Emilio�Manfredonia�at�first, 40 00:02:07,827 --> 00:02:11,457 but�came�around when�he�heard�him�pronounce the�word�"Mozzarella". 41 00:02:11,498 --> 00:02:13,098 For�his�part, Emilio�told�reporters 42 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,643 he�was�thrilled�to�be�joining the�Pizza�Pizza�family, 43 00:02:15,668 --> 00:02:18,568 although�he�admitted his�ultimate�goal�was�to save�up�enough�money 44 00:02:18,605 --> 00:02:20,235 to�open�his�own shawarma�stand. 45 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:23,014 In�international�news, 46 00:02:23,042 --> 00:02:25,882 Russia's�transgressions continue�to�go�unchecked, 47 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:30,552 from�brash�cyber-attacks to�Putin�boxing�the Siberian�tiger�to�extinction. 48 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,415 But�when�it�comes�to�Russia's aggression�in�Ukraine, 49 00:02:34,454 --> 00:02:36,424 Trudeau�believes he�finally�has�an�answer. 50 00:02:36,456 --> 00:02:39,926 For�more�on�this�story,�we�go to�Marilla�Wex�in�Moscow. 51 00:02:39,959 --> 00:02:42,459 MARILLA:��Nearly�a�year�after the�annexation�of�Crimea, 52 00:02:42,495 --> 00:02:44,725 Russia�has�refused to�capitulate 53 00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:49,074 to�international�pressure, UN�resolutions, or�trade�sanctions. 54 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:51,269 But�now�Canada�believes 55 00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:52,974 that�with�a�single�stroke of�the�pen, 56 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,966 that�it�can�get Russia�into�line. 57 00:02:55,608 --> 00:02:57,078 How? 58 00:02:57,110 --> 00:03:00,580 By�cutting�off�access to�its�most�valuable foreign�export, 59 00:03:00,613 --> 00:03:02,683 Just�For�Laughs�Gags. 60 00:03:02,715 --> 00:03:06,915 For�nearly�a�decade, Canada's�own�hidden-camera show,�Just�For�Laughs�Gags, 61 00:03:06,953 --> 00:03:10,523 has�been�the�number-one�rated program�in�Russia. 62 00:03:10,557 --> 00:03:13,527 And�Trudeau�says�if Russia�doesn't�back�down, 63 00:03:13,560 --> 00:03:16,060 he�will�terminate�its licensing�agreement. 64 00:03:16,095 --> 00:03:18,225 There'll�be�no�more pies�to�the�face, 65 00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:22,974 fake�bears,�or�blind�people pretending�to�walk�into�doors for�the�Russian�populace. 66 00:03:23,002 --> 00:03:27,312 Experts�say�this�could be�disastrous for�the�Putin�regime. 67 00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:29,880 TRANSLATOR:�(SPEAKING�ENGLISH) Putin�will�lose all�his�popularity 68 00:03:29,909 --> 00:03:32,809 if�he�deprives�us�of the�chance�to�see people�throw�out�garbage, 69 00:03:32,845 --> 00:03:36,045 only�for�the�garbage�can to�stand�up and�run�after�them, 70 00:03:36,082 --> 00:03:39,092 because�someone�has�been hiding�in�the�garbage�can the�whole�time! 71 00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:40,248 (LAUGHS�LOUDLY) 72 00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:45,425 Concern�was�sufficient that�the�Kremlin�has commissioned�a�pilot 73 00:03:45,458 --> 00:03:47,128 for�a�Russian�version of�the�show 74 00:03:47,160 --> 00:03:50,060 featuring�the�classic�premise, a�phony�arrest. 75 00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,204 (BANK�ALARM�RINGING) 76 00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:06,311 (GRUNTS) 77 00:04:08,481 --> 00:04:09,781 (MAN�GROANS) 78 00:04:09,816 --> 00:04:10,816 (GRUNTING) 79 00:04:23,062 --> 00:04:25,502 The�show�was�not well�received. 80 00:04:25,531 --> 00:04:29,171 And�now,�the�balance of�European�peace rests�once�again 81 00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:32,872 on�the�popular�support for�French-Canadian slapstick�comedy. 82 00:04:32,905 --> 00:04:35,535 Marilla�Wex,��The�Beaverton, Moscow. 83 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:38,236 After�the�break, 84 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:40,608 our�financial�expert�tells�you how�to�protect�yourself�from identity�theft 85 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:42,347 by�being�poor�and�boring. 86 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,220 NARRATOR:��Life's�busy for�the�modern�woman. 87 00:04:49,255 --> 00:04:50,715 (PHONE�RINGING) 88 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:53,557 Between�work�and�home�life, it�can�really�add�up. 89 00:04:53,593 --> 00:04:58,503 Sometimes�it's�exhausting to�have�to�lean�in�and break�the�glass�ceiling. 90 00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,871 You�work�hard. 91 00:04:59,899 --> 00:05:01,769 And�now,�you�can play�just�as�hard 92 00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:05,171 with�a�new�product that�will�revolutionize girl's�night�out. 93 00:05:05,204 --> 00:05:07,844 Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons. 94 00:05:07,874 --> 00:05:12,414 Sleek,�compact�and�soaked in�premium�triple-distilled grain�alcohol, 95 00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:16,475 Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons let�you�sync�up your�party�cycles. 96 00:05:16,516 --> 00:05:19,286 Low�calorie�and�in all�your�favorite�flavors, 97 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,189 they�deliver�refreshing cocktails 98 00:05:21,220 --> 00:05:23,460 in�one�convenient�vaginal�sip. 99 00:05:23,489 --> 00:05:26,789 Perfect�whether�you�want a�light�or�heavy�flow�of�fun. 100 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:30,496 From�the�makers�of Dude,�It's�Not�Gay butt�chug�ale, 101 00:05:30,530 --> 00:05:32,270 Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons 102 00:05:32,298 --> 00:05:34,398 come�in�twelve convenient�sizes. 103 00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:39,114 Including�Just�a�Couple, Tipsy,�Drunk and�Shitvagged. 104 00:05:39,138 --> 00:05:41,438 With�its�patented two-minute�absorption, 105 00:05:41,474 --> 00:05:45,714 Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons finally�offer�the�discretion and�efficiency 106 00:05:45,745 --> 00:05:46,745 to�fit�your�modern�needs. 107 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:49,980 Foxy�Girl�Vodka�Tampons. 108 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,576 The�next�round's�in�you. 109 00:05:57,223 --> 00:05:58,733 (AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING) 110 00:06:03,396 --> 00:06:04,526 In�environmental�news, 111 00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:06,934 the�Fraser�Institute�has released�a�new�report 112 00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:10,896 slamming�a�climate�change project�by�nine-year-old Ainsley�Martindon, 113 00:06:10,937 --> 00:06:13,567 of�Beckerman�Elementary School. 114 00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:16,136 In�their�800-page�rebuttal, Science�Un-Fair, 115 00:06:16,175 --> 00:06:21,445 the�right-leaning�think�tank accuses�Ainsley�of�hiding an�anti-oil�agenda, 116 00:06:21,481 --> 00:06:22,981 failing�to�obtain�peer�review 117 00:06:23,015 --> 00:06:26,345 and�obviously�getting help�from�her�parents on�her�diorama. 118 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,686 In�a�statement�to�reporters, the�institute�said, 119 00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:35,161 (READING) 120 00:06:35,194 --> 00:06:38,334 "by�someone�who�we�heard�has a�crush�on�Trevor�S?" 121 00:06:40,032 --> 00:06:42,472 In�the�last�year,�thousands of�Syrian�refugees 122 00:06:42,502 --> 00:06:45,002 escaped�their�war-torn�country to�come�to�Canada. 123 00:06:45,037 --> 00:06:48,007 For�more�on�how�they�are adapting�to�life�in�our peace-torn�country, 124 00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:50,180 we�go�to�Aisha�Alfa. 125 00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:52,979 AISHA:��After�opening our�borders,�and�chiseled, hairless�chests, 126 00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:54,182 to�Syrian�refugees, 127 00:06:54,213 --> 00:06:56,683 Canadians�are�wondering how�their�new�neighbors 128 00:06:56,716 --> 00:06:58,946 are�acclimating�to their�adopted�country. 129 00:06:58,985 --> 00:07:01,345 I�sat�down�with�Jason and�Lauren�Katz, 130 00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:04,457 a�Toronto�couple�who sponsored�a�Syrian�family earlier�this�year, 131 00:07:04,490 --> 00:07:06,430 to�get�their�take. 132 00:07:06,459 --> 00:07:11,229 We�knew�we�had�to�do�something the�second�we�saw�all�those poor�people�on�the�news, 133 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,034 being�sponsored by�our�neighbors. 134 00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:16,265 As�someone�who�came as�a�refugee�from�Winnipeg... 135 00:07:16,302 --> 00:07:17,642 Oh. 136 00:07:17,670 --> 00:07:21,140 ...I�imagine�the�family you�brought�over is�very�grateful. 137 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:22,884 -We�like�to�think�so. -(CHUCKLES) 138 00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:26,279 AISHA:��Nizar�Aziz is�an�ex-astrophysicist turned�Uber�driver. 139 00:07:26,312 --> 00:07:31,082 His�wife�Vivian�is�a�former corporate�attorney now�working�at�Dollarama. 140 00:07:31,117 --> 00:07:33,887 Look,�we're�just�grateful to�not�live�in�a�war�zone. 141 00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:35,250 So�grateful. 142 00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,588 And�that's�what�we�keep reminding�ourselves whenever... 143 00:07:38,257 --> 00:07:39,287 Whenever�what? 144 00:07:39,325 --> 00:07:41,525 Uh,�nothing. 145 00:07:41,561 --> 00:07:43,061 Toronto�is... 146 00:07:43,095 --> 00:07:44,155 Fine. 147 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,867 Yes!�Totally�fine. 148 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:50,103 I�mean,�it's�not�as sophisticated�as�Damascus... 149 00:07:50,136 --> 00:07:54,966 But,�but�there�are�some�very decent-ish�restaurants. 150 00:07:55,007 --> 00:07:57,007 If�you�like�eating at�Milestones. 151 00:07:57,043 --> 00:07:58,313 JASON:��Oh,�man, a�few�days�ago, 152 00:07:58,344 --> 00:08:00,054 we�took�Nizar�and�Vivian to�Milestones,�right? 153 00:08:00,079 --> 00:08:01,409 (LAUGHS)�Oh,�yeah. 154 00:08:01,447 --> 00:08:03,417 You�should've seen�their�faces. 155 00:08:03,449 --> 00:08:05,119 It�was�like�they�couldn't believe�that�people ate�this�way. 156 00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:06,321 (BOTH�LAUGHING) 157 00:08:06,352 --> 00:08:08,752 I�cannot�believe people�eat�that�way. 158 00:08:08,788 --> 00:08:10,418 So,�why�didn't�you say�something? 159 00:08:10,456 --> 00:08:12,426 We�don't�want�to�embarrass Jason�and�Lauren. 160 00:08:12,458 --> 00:08:15,628 We�know�how�important it�is�to�them�to�feel�like our�saviors, 161 00:08:15,661 --> 00:08:18,531 so�we�just�do�the respectful�thing 162 00:08:18,564 --> 00:08:20,734 and�lie�about how�impressed�we�are. 163 00:08:20,766 --> 00:08:22,266 NAZIR:�Watch�this. 164 00:08:22,301 --> 00:08:24,301 Mmm,�potato�skins! 165 00:08:25,104 --> 00:08:26,244 (BOTH�LAUGHING) 166 00:08:26,272 --> 00:08:28,642 It's�just�so�inspiring to�see�these�people 167 00:08:28,674 --> 00:08:32,914 experience�luxuries that�all�of�us�just take�for�granted. 168 00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:38,045 Like,�something�as�basic as�the�TTC�blows�their�minds. 169 00:08:38,084 --> 00:08:41,054 It�blows�my�mind how�basic�the�TTC�is. 170 00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:43,917 It's�just�a�"U"�with�a�line running�through�it! 171 00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,586 (LAUGHING) Who�did�your�urban�planning, 172 00:08:45,625 --> 00:08:47,325 a�dumb�six�year-old?�(LAUGHS) 173 00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,260 AISHA:��But�as�the�Azizes would�soon�find�out, 174 00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:51,155 their�biggest�challenge... 175 00:08:51,197 --> 00:08:52,867 -Okay,�be�cool,�it's�them. -...was�yet�to�come. 176 00:08:52,899 --> 00:08:54,229 Jason,�hi! 177 00:08:54,967 --> 00:08:56,937 Nothing�much,�you�know. 178 00:08:56,969 --> 00:08:59,409 Just�marveling at�the�conveniences of�Western�life�as�usual. 179 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,568 Whoa,�running�water! 180 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,906 You�want�us�to�meet�you�where? 181 00:09:05,811 --> 00:09:07,111 So... 182 00:09:07,146 --> 00:09:09,776 This�is�called a�double�double. 183 00:09:17,323 --> 00:09:19,063 -I�can't. -Nizar! 184 00:09:19,091 --> 00:09:21,191 I'm�sorry.�It's�just�so�bad. 185 00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,162 Right? 186 00:09:24,196 --> 00:09:25,626 It�tastes�like�garbage�water. 187 00:09:25,665 --> 00:09:28,195 Then�why�are�you so�proud�of�this�place? 188 00:09:28,234 --> 00:09:30,604 Because�the�commercials tell�us�to�be? 189 00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:33,236 Hey,�do�you�guys�want�to�go to�the�indie�coffee�shop down�the�street? 190 00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:35,112 -Yeah,�let's�go! -Yeah. 191 00:09:35,141 --> 00:09:37,141 AISHA:��Lying�to�spare people's�feelings? 192 00:09:37,176 --> 00:09:38,436 Hating�Toronto? 193 00:09:38,477 --> 00:09:40,747 Secretly�thinking Tim's�coffee�sucks? 194 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:43,980 Sounds�like�these�refugees�are assimilating�to�Canadian�life 195 00:09:44,016 --> 00:09:46,516 even�better�than their�sponsors�realized. 196 00:09:46,552 --> 00:09:49,492 For�The�Beaverton, I'm�Aisha�Alfa. 197 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,092 Thanks,�Aisha, for�that�excellent�report. 198 00:09:51,123 --> 00:09:53,933 She�can't�hear�you. 199 00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:56,360 At��The�Beaverton, we�report�the�news you�want�to�hear. 200 00:09:56,395 --> 00:09:58,095 This�week,�the�headline with�the�most�upvotes, 201 00:09:58,130 --> 00:10:00,330 and�therefore the�most�deserving of�coverage, 202 00:10:00,366 --> 00:10:03,836 Five�War�Atrocities�Only '90s�Kids�Remember. 203 00:10:03,869 --> 00:10:05,299 Number�five,�Sierra�Leone. 204 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,638 From��Big�Shiny�Tunes to�big�shiny�machetes, 205 00:10:07,673 --> 00:10:12,513 nothing�says�'90s like�a�severed�limb wearing�a�slap�bracelet! 206 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:15,875 We�discussed�this�morning I�wanted�no�part�in making�light�of�tragedy, 207 00:10:15,915 --> 00:10:18,175 but�I�am�a�professional and�this�is�my�job, 208 00:10:18,217 --> 00:10:20,317 so�number�four�is�Angola. 209 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:21,493 It�was�terrible. 210 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:23,785 (EMMA�CLEARS�THROAT) 211 00:10:23,823 --> 00:10:25,663 As�terrible�as�the�graphics on�Sega�Genesis. 212 00:10:25,691 --> 00:10:27,391 (LAUGHS) 213 00:10:27,426 --> 00:10:30,226 Number�three. Running�out�of�frosting with�half�your�Dunkaroos�left. 214 00:10:30,262 --> 00:10:31,362 Talk�about�a�real�tragedy. 215 00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:34,668 Okay,�so, this�graphic�is�wrong. 216 00:10:34,700 --> 00:10:37,600 The�Hutus�were the�perpetrators. 217 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,037 And�the�prompter�is�giving me�a�Stone�Temple�Pilots reference 218 00:10:40,072 --> 00:10:42,642 that�I�do�not�understand. 219 00:10:42,675 --> 00:10:44,975 And�at�number�one, the�Energizer�Bunny of�ethnic�cleansing, 220 00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,681 Slobodan...�(MUMBLES) 221 00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:50,683 In�Slovenia,�Croatia, Bosnia,�Kosovo, 222 00:10:50,716 --> 00:10:52,486 he�just�kept�going and�going�and�going... 223 00:10:52,518 --> 00:10:55,118 Let's�cut�to�commercial before�we�traumatize any�more�survivors. 224 00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:58,394 After�the�break,�homeless people's�most�epic social�media�fails. 225 00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:01,062 -Slobodan�Milosovic... -(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH) 226 00:11:01,093 --> 00:11:02,163 He�was�one�of the�worst�people 227 00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,234 -of�that�era... -(MUMBLING�GIBBERISH) 228 00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:06,173 -You�shouldn't�be�making light�of�anything... -EMMA:�(LAUGHING)�It's�okay. 229 00:11:10,870 --> 00:11:12,270 (AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING) 230 00:11:16,442 --> 00:11:18,542 Coming�up�later on��The�Beaverton... 231 00:11:18,577 --> 00:11:21,647 EMMA:��The�World�Bowling Championship�was�canceled this�weekend 232 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:25,651 due�to�a�scheduling�conflict with�an�eight-year-old's birthday�party. 233 00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,145 MIGUEL:��The�Atlantic Lottery�Corporation 234 00:11:27,186 --> 00:11:29,316 commits�to�cracking�down on�problem�gambling 235 00:11:29,355 --> 00:11:32,555 with�their�new Russian�Roulette�centers. 236 00:11:32,591 --> 00:11:35,661 EMMA:��And�are�the�Liberals falling�short�of�their campaign�promise 237 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,655 to�be�cool�dudes with�chill�attitudes? 238 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:41,668 Now�it's�time�to�check�in�with our�expert�in�all�things�tech, 239 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:42,901 Dave�Barclay. 240 00:11:47,139 --> 00:11:49,939 A�new�travel�app�has�been getting�some�massive�buzz. 241 00:11:49,975 --> 00:11:52,335 Thumbed,�which�Palo�Alto insiders�have�dubbed 242 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,248 "Uber�for�hitchhikers," 243 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,150 promises�to�revolutionize the�way�we�get�into�cars with�strangers. 244 00:11:58,184 --> 00:12:00,224 Gone�are�the�days�of�sticking out�your�thumb�for�hours 245 00:12:00,252 --> 00:12:03,222 waiting�for�a�kind�stranger or�potential�psycho. 246 00:12:03,255 --> 00:12:05,485 Now,�simply�mark�your�location on�the�GPS 247 00:12:05,524 --> 00:12:08,794 and�choose�whether you�want�to�murder, be�murdered, 248 00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:11,728 or�just�watch and�have�a�secret. 249 00:12:11,764 --> 00:12:14,074 What�do�you�make of�claims�that�Thumbed underpays�its�drivers? 250 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:15,627 Yep. 251 00:12:18,204 --> 00:12:21,544 Now,�our�next�app is�for�the�ladies! 252 00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:25,484 Girls,�how�annoying�is�it to�walk�down�the�street and�get�yelled�at�by�creeps? 253 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,881 It's�vile. 254 00:12:26,912 --> 00:12:28,312 I'm�also�against�that. 255 00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:30,347 Don't�you�wish there�was�an�easier�way? 256 00:12:30,382 --> 00:12:33,622 Well,�your�prayers�have been�answered�by�the developers�of�Caterwaul, 257 00:12:33,652 --> 00:12:35,022 the�latest�way to�be�objectified 258 00:12:35,054 --> 00:12:37,464 by�the�random�men in�your�life. 259 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,030 Anyone�who�owns�a�phone and�decides�he�deserves�you 260 00:12:40,059 --> 00:12:43,699 can�discreetly�send sexually�aggressive�threats directly�to�your�device. 261 00:12:43,729 --> 00:12:45,459 Do�they�expect women�to�buy�this? 262 00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,268 (CHUCKLES)�Of�course�not. 263 00:12:47,299 --> 00:12:49,869 With�Caterwaul's�innovative "Meow-sogyny"�system, 264 00:12:49,902 --> 00:12:54,372 random�bros�in�your�area�can load�the�app�onto�your�phone whether�you�want�it�or�not. 265 00:12:54,406 --> 00:12:56,836 And�they're�pretty�sure you�know�you�want�it. 266 00:12:58,544 --> 00:13:00,784 For�instance,�Emma, check�your�phone. 267 00:13:00,813 --> 00:13:03,953 (CHUCKLING) Oh,�okay,�that's�cool. 268 00:13:03,983 --> 00:13:05,993 Oh,�gross,�Dave. 269 00:13:06,018 --> 00:13:08,118 This�is�textbook sexual�harassment. 270 00:13:08,154 --> 00:13:10,764 Uh-uh. Read�the�terms�and�conditions. 271 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:14,130 It�states�Emma�implicitly agreed�to�receive genital�photographs 272 00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:16,160 by�being�a�woman�who�is�alive. 273 00:13:18,397 --> 00:13:20,297 Why�does�it�curve�downward? 274 00:13:20,332 --> 00:13:22,842 Oh,�it's,�uh...�It's�still in�the�beta�testing. (CHUCKLES) 275 00:13:22,868 --> 00:13:24,838 Your�tattoo�has�a�typo. 276 00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,640 Oh,�no,�that's�how I�spell�"Dragon". 277 00:13:26,672 --> 00:13:29,342 So,�are�the�balls�on�the�top? 278 00:13:29,375 --> 00:13:30,635 It's�a�totally fine�penis,�okay? 279 00:13:32,611 --> 00:13:33,611 (DAVE�SIGHS) 280 00:13:37,149 --> 00:13:39,389 Taking�a�page�from Gwyneth�Paltrow's��Goop, 281 00:13:39,418 --> 00:13:43,258 Canadian�literary�icon Margaret�Atwood�has�made a�controversial�career�pivot 282 00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,589 by�launching�her own�lifestyle�brand. 283 00:13:45,624 --> 00:13:47,834 Atwood's��4lorn�promises�to�be 284 00:13:47,860 --> 00:13:50,460 the�online�magazine�for the�postmodern�feminist 285 00:13:50,496 --> 00:13:53,126 surviving�in the�malevolent�North. 286 00:13:53,165 --> 00:13:54,995 There�will�also be�a�baking�section. 287 00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,765 While��4lorn's�articles�on 288 00:13:57,803 --> 00:14:00,943 "Super�foods for�the�climate�apocalypse" have�received�a�lot�of�shares, 289 00:14:00,973 --> 00:14:03,143 some�have�criticized its�hairstyling�tips. 290 00:14:04,376 --> 00:14:06,776 Following�suit, Nobel�Prize�winner�Alice�Munro 291 00:14:06,812 --> 00:14:08,912 has�also�released a�lifestyle�blog, 292 00:14:08,948 --> 00:14:11,548 catering�mostly�to small-town�people who�want�to�look�fabulous 293 00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,124 while�facing a�late�life�crisis 294 00:14:13,152 --> 00:14:15,652 rooted�in�an�act�of�violence they�witnessed�as�a�child. 295 00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:19,159 The�RCMP�is�launching a�task�force 296 00:14:19,191 --> 00:14:22,191 to�finally�start�cracking�down on�white-collar�crime. 297 00:14:22,228 --> 00:14:25,098 MIGUEL:��We're�joined�now�by RCMP�spokesman�Thomas�Veroni. 298 00:14:25,130 --> 00:14:27,200 Sir,�why�now? 299 00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:28,473 The�people�have�had�enough. 300 00:14:28,500 --> 00:14:30,070 After�the Panama�Papers�scandal, 301 00:14:30,102 --> 00:14:33,242 we�took�a�cold,�hard�look at�white-collar�criminals, 302 00:14:33,272 --> 00:14:36,112 and�we�were�shocked�by�how many�of�them�were�minorities. 303 00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:43,223 Sorry,�minorities? 304 00:14:43,249 --> 00:14:47,919 Yes.�You�hear�"bank�fraud" and�you�just�assume�it's�a�guy in�pleated�khakis�named�Jim. 305 00:14:47,953 --> 00:14:51,023 We�don't�have�a�lot�of experience�targeting guys�like�that. 306 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:52,956 But�thanks�to�social�progress, 307 00:14:52,992 --> 00:14:57,302 some�white-collar�criminals are�black,�South�Asian, even�Aboriginal. 308 00:14:57,329 --> 00:15:02,669 Once�we�found�that�out, we�were�like,�"Ba-bam! Right�in�our�wheelhouse." 309 00:15:02,701 --> 00:15:04,771 Are�you�saying�minorities commit�corporate�crimes 310 00:15:04,803 --> 00:15:06,413 at�higher�rates than�white�men? 311 00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:08,408 Oh,�no.�Absolutely�not. 312 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:11,240 All�I'm�saying�is�that we�didn't�care�about insider�trading 313 00:15:11,277 --> 00:15:13,707 when�white�people�were the�only�ones�doing�it, 314 00:15:13,746 --> 00:15:15,106 and�now�we�care�a�lot. 315 00:15:16,715 --> 00:15:19,015 So�what's�the�strategy for�this�task�force? 316 00:15:19,051 --> 00:15:22,221 Are�you�hiring�more forensic�accountants and�former�bankers? 317 00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:24,264 Oh,�of�course�not.�(CHUCKLES) 318 00:15:24,290 --> 00:15:28,290 We're�adapting�the�techniques we�mastered�over�the�years of�prosecuting�ethnic�groups. 319 00:15:28,327 --> 00:15:29,957 Carding�black�stock-traders, 320 00:15:29,995 --> 00:15:33,625 pulling�over�black�men driving�down�Bay�Street in�fancy�cars, 321 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:35,466 kettling�black�CEOs. 322 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:37,472 You�know,�the�classics. 323 00:15:39,338 --> 00:15:41,868 Wait.�So�are�you�just rounding�up�wealthy�black�men? 324 00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:43,781 And�black�women. 325 00:15:43,809 --> 00:15:44,979 Okay. 326 00:15:45,010 --> 00:15:46,050 They�can�commit�fraud�too. 327 00:15:46,078 --> 00:15:50,018 This�is,�after�all, Justin�Trudeau's�Canada. 328 00:15:50,049 --> 00:15:53,849 I�don't�think�incarcerating more�people�of�color is�what�he�had�in�mind. 329 00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,916 Oh,�so�you're�against minorities�succeeding�enough in�the�corporate�world 330 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,116 to�start�committing�fraud? (LAUGHS) 331 00:15:59,158 --> 00:16:00,158 Now�who's�racist? 332 00:16:01,360 --> 00:16:02,360 Still�you. 333 00:16:04,129 --> 00:16:06,069 When�we�return, 334 00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,298 is�Winnipeg�ready for�a�Mega-Tsunami? 335 00:16:22,214 --> 00:16:23,854 For�most�couples, a�trip�to�IKEA 336 00:16:23,882 --> 00:16:26,152 can�be�a�relationship-testing experience. 337 00:16:26,185 --> 00:16:28,045 In�response�to�this�issue, 338 00:16:28,087 --> 00:16:30,917 the�Swedish�furniture�giant is�offering�a�new�service, divorce. 339 00:16:32,524 --> 00:16:34,594 IKEA�says�93%�of�couples 340 00:16:34,626 --> 00:16:37,956 cannot�survive a�five-hour�odyssey through�the�showroom. 341 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,227 With�their�new�divorce�kiosk, 342 00:16:39,264 --> 00:16:41,104 you�can�legally dissolve�your�marriage 343 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:43,903 in�the�time�it�takes to�assemble�the�daybed you'll�be�sleeping�on 344 00:16:43,936 --> 00:16:46,566 until�you�can�find your�own�place. 345 00:16:46,605 --> 00:16:48,665 One�satisfied�customer explained, 346 00:16:48,707 --> 00:16:51,037 "We�went�in, fought�over�a�kitchen�design, 347 00:16:51,076 --> 00:16:52,676 "cried�while�eating�meatballs, 348 00:16:52,711 --> 00:16:55,581 "then�efficiently�divided our�marital�assets. 349 00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:58,684 "We�also�got�candles." 350 00:16:58,717 --> 00:17:01,447 It's�regrettable, but�there�is�no�Allen�key to�the�human�heart. 351 00:17:01,487 --> 00:17:02,487 Don't. 352 00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,626 Let's�go�now�to�a�special report�by�Eddie�Zheng, 353 00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:09,428 the�original�bad-boy restaurateur. 354 00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:10,961 EDDIE:��Name's�Eddie�Zheng, 355 00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:13,466 my�restaurant's�called Dim�Sum�of�All�Fears. 356 00:17:13,499 --> 00:17:15,529 I�never�wanted�to�be�an award-winning�chef... 357 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,937 -Whoo-hoo! -...but�this�is�the�food I�grew�up�loving, 358 00:17:17,970 --> 00:17:21,240 so�eventually, I�was�like,�fuck�it. 359 00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:24,013 Is�that�all�you�got, you�dumb�motherfucker? (LAUGHING) 360 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,613 Yo,�check�it. Today,�I'm�hitting�up 361 00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,675 the�St.�Lawrence�Factory Farmer's�Market. 362 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,754 Yo,�this�my�man Trevor�MacNamara. 363 00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:34,554 Suckers�waste�money on�rinky-dink�local�farm�shit, 364 00:17:34,586 --> 00:17:35,716 but�if�you�want�great�food, 365 00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:38,164 come�on, you�need�great�produce. 366 00:17:38,190 --> 00:17:41,360 Our�farm,�it's�so�great, you�can�see�it from�outer�space. 367 00:17:43,328 --> 00:17:44,328 (SCREAMS�WILDLY) 368 00:17:45,364 --> 00:17:46,904 Right�here! 369 00:17:46,932 --> 00:17:48,672 -Oh! -(LAUGHS) 370 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:51,240 Yo,�man, what's�in�these�coolers? 371 00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:53,210 Well,�a�lot�of�our�customers prefer�a�certain 372 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,768 factory�farm-to-table experience,�so... 373 00:17:57,443 --> 00:18:01,353 Yo,�you�telling�me�there's a�live�chicken�up�in�here? 374 00:18:01,380 --> 00:18:03,020 Ten�chickens.�(LAUGHS) 375 00:18:03,048 --> 00:18:04,948 (IMITATING�ZAPPING) Chicken's�ready. 376 00:18:04,983 --> 00:18:06,453 You're�right,�chicken�tonight. 377 00:18:06,485 --> 00:18:08,485 Presentation�is everything,�fam. 378 00:18:08,520 --> 00:18:11,460 Yo,�why's�this�milk all�yellow�and�shit? 379 00:18:11,490 --> 00:18:12,930 It's�factory-farm whole�milk,�dude. 380 00:18:12,958 --> 00:18:14,858 Still�got�the�pus�in�it. (CHUCKLES) 381 00:18:14,893 --> 00:18:18,203 Yo.�So,�what's�this�mean�for, like,�society�and�shit? 382 00:18:18,230 --> 00:18:20,000 Before�the�factory-farming movement, 383 00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,902 only�rich�people could�afford�to�eat�nitrates with�every�meal. 384 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,965 But�now,�because�of�us, other�way�'round. 385 00:18:25,003 --> 00:18:26,943 Yeah,�straight�up. 386 00:18:26,972 --> 00:18:30,912 Everybody�should�have the�opportunity�to�eat�like a�16th-century�king 387 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,983 who's�going�to�have a�heart�attack�at�35. 388 00:18:33,011 --> 00:18:34,481 -What? -(LAUGHS) 389 00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:37,453 Yeah,�so,�Hot�T,�what�am�I purchasing�tonight? 390 00:18:37,483 --> 00:18:39,523 Dude,�I�have�just�the�thing. 391 00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:44,521 This�chuck�roast�is genetically�engineered to�keep�bleeding. 392 00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:47,086 And�not�only�that, it�still�feels�pain,�dude. 393 00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:49,956 Oh,�damn! 394 00:18:49,995 --> 00:18:53,095 My�man's�taken�fresh�food to�a�whole�'nother�level. 395 00:18:53,132 --> 00:18:54,532 Yeah! 396 00:18:54,566 --> 00:18:57,036 Ha!�We�eating�tonight, bitches. 397 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,169 You�vegetarian? Go�fuck�yourself. 398 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:02,667 Tastes�good,�boys. 399 00:19:04,209 --> 00:19:06,309 You�know, at�the�end�of�the�day, 400 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:09,205 the�game's�about what�it's�always�been�about. 401 00:19:09,248 --> 00:19:11,418 Good�friends, food�for�the�people, 402 00:19:11,450 --> 00:19:15,620 and�only�the�very,�very,�very freshest�of�ingredients. 403 00:19:15,654 --> 00:19:19,264 This�is��The�Beaverton, and�I'm�your�boy�Eddie�Zheng. 404 00:19:19,291 --> 00:19:21,831 Ooh!�You�taste�that�heartbeat? 405 00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,072 Sometimes,�we�at The�Beaverton�make�mistakes. 406 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:28,999 Last�week, I�gave�favorable�coverage 407 00:19:29,034 --> 00:19:33,714 of�certain�Canadian financial�institutions that�some�people 408 00:19:33,739 --> 00:19:37,979 believe�constituted a�conflict�of�interest. 409 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:41,610 During�my�investigative�report on�how�TD�Bank is�the�best�in�the�nation, 410 00:19:41,647 --> 00:19:44,847 I�should�have�noted that�I�have�been employed�by�TD 411 00:19:44,883 --> 00:19:47,823 to�do�corporate�events in�the�past. 412 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:50,493 And�despite�the�fact�that�it would�have�disrupted�the�flow, 413 00:19:50,522 --> 00:19:53,292 my�financial�ties�to�BMO should�have�been�mentioned 414 00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,525 during�my�musical�tribute BMO�is�Gonna�Rock�You. 415 00:19:57,663 --> 00:20:00,903 Oh�and,�um,�I�am�sorry I�bit�the�network's�auditor 416 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,703 when�he�tried�to�look at�my�financial�statements. 417 00:20:03,735 --> 00:20:07,235 I'm�sorry,�Rob,�I�don't�know why�it�hasn't�healed�yet. 418 00:20:09,975 --> 00:20:12,975 You�know...�Sorry... 419 00:20:13,011 --> 00:20:15,611 (SHAKILY)�This�has�been a�humbling�experience. 420 00:20:15,647 --> 00:20:19,477 And�if�I�could�just�speak from�the�heart�for�a�moment, 421 00:20:19,518 --> 00:20:22,548 I�would�like�to�thank my�co-host,�Miguel, 422 00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,388 no,�for�standing�by and�encouraging�me 423 00:20:25,424 --> 00:20:27,034 while�I�was�manipulating these�stories. 424 00:20:30,862 --> 00:20:32,102 You�always�have�my�back... 425 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:33,200 Well... 426 00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,402 ...no�matter�how unethical�my�behavior. 427 00:20:35,434 --> 00:20:37,474 You�are�a�true�friend... 428 00:20:37,502 --> 00:20:39,042 Sorry. 429 00:20:39,071 --> 00:20:42,511 ...some�might�even�say, accomplice. 430 00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:44,641 Just�to...�Just�to�clarify, I�didn't�have�anything�to... 431 00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,476 It�is�you�and�me,�Miguel. 432 00:20:47,512 --> 00:20:50,022 For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Emma�Hunter. 433 00:20:50,048 --> 00:20:52,118 And�I'm�Miguel�Rivas, who�would�like�to�point�out, 434 00:20:52,150 --> 00:20:54,950 once�again,�I�had�nothing to�do�with�any�of�these transgressions, 435 00:20:54,987 --> 00:20:56,857 -and�being�lumped�in... -If�I�ever�needed�to get�out�of�jail, 436 00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:58,188 he�would�be�the�guy I�would�call. 437 00:20:58,223 --> 00:20:59,733 She's�okay once�you�get�to�know�her, 438 00:20:59,758 --> 00:21:01,028 but�she�kinda�goes off�the�rails�sometimes... 439 00:21:01,059 --> 00:21:03,429 And�that�hasn't�happened�yet, but�if�it�did... 440 00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,832 (AUDIENCE�CHEERING AND�APPLAUDING) 40155

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