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Original subtitles

Donald�J.�Trump has�been�elected�President. Is�this�America's�9/11?

MIGUEL:��We�finally�have an�answer�to�the�question

of�whether�the�US is�more�racist�or�sexist?

EMMA:��With�Trump's�victory, Hillary�Clinton�now�makes an�important�decision,

which�prison�gang�to�join.

(THEME�PLAYING)

Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,

the�news�show�that�will make�the�apocalypse

we�are�currently�living�in slightly�more�palatable.

I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�future�road�warrior, Emma�Hunter.

Our�top�story,

sad�news�as�the�United�States was�found�dead�last�night in�its�North�America�home.

Investigators�have�ruled the�death�a�suicide,

the�result�of�300�million gunshot�wounds�to�the�foot.

The�nation�was�only�240.

Recently,�neighbors�became concerned�when�the�nation started�arguing�with�itself,

developed�type�2�diabetes, and�yelled�at�brown�kids to�get�off�its�lawn.

America�leaves�behind its�children,�Puerto�Rico, Guam,�the�Virgin�Islands,

and�its�estranged�stepchild, Guantanamo�Bay.

In�lieu�of�flowers, the�family�asks�that�you�send bombs�to�the�Middle�East.

In�directly�related�news,

the�United�States�made�history by�electing�its�first�ever sociopath�president.

Now,�parents�of�kids who�show�no�remorse and�draw�disturbing�pictures

can�look�into�their�children's cold,�soulless�eyes�and�say,

"You�can�be�president�too.

"Oh,�my�God,�what�did�you�do to�all�those�hamsters?"

Previously,�sociopaths were�pushed�to the�margins�of�society,

forced�into�asylums, or�relegated�to�the�corner offices�on�Wall�Street.

Despite�a�system that�was�totally�rigged against�him,

The�Donald�managed�to�clinch the�presidency�by�uniting�a diverse�network�of�Americans,

including�yellers,�screamers, MRA�groups,�NRA�members,

MMA�fans,�MBAs,�the�KKK,

and�the�American�Association of�Acronym�Enthusiasts...

Acronym�pending.

But�questions�remain about�Trump's�ability�to�lead a�divided�America.

Can�he�work�with�his�critics?

How�many�Syrian�refugees will�he�deport�back�to�Mexico?

Are�journalists�to�be imprisoned�or�simply�shot?

His�campaign�had more�references�to�genitalia than�policy�details,

so�it's�difficult�to�say what�will�happen

once�the�new�president moves�into�the�Trump White�House�and�Casino.

With�only�two�months�left in�his�presidency,

Barack�Obama�must�now�turn

to�the�busy�work of�Trump-proofing the�White�House.

Obama�has�already�dismantled the�drone�strike�program,

gave�several�billion�dollars in�cash�to�Planned�Parenthood,

and�put�foam�protectors on�the�sharp�tips�of America's�nuclear�warheads.

Additionally, he's�placed�safety�plugs

in�all�of�the�White�House electrical�outlets�to�protect Trump's�tiny�fingers,

a�baby�gate�on�the�stairs to�the�Situation�Room,

and�installed safety�latches�on�all female�staffer's�pussies.

Once�his�presidential�duties are�complete,

Obama�intends�to�leave Washington�and�move�back to�his�home�state,�Kenya.

Donald�Trump�isn't�the�only big�orange�winner that�shocked�the�electorate.

Rachel�Notley's�NDP won�an�unprecedented�victory in�Alberta

more�than�a�year�ago.

But�has�she�been�able�to�win over�her�harshest�critics?

For�more�on�how "No,�she�has�not,"

we�go�to�our�own Laura�Cilevitz.

LAURA:��Since�taking�power in�May�2015,

NDP�premier�Rachel�Notley�has,

according�to�Conservative uncles�everywhere,

been�a�disaster�for�Alberta.

First,�she�set�fire to�Fort�McMurray

in�order�to�decimate the�oil�industry.

Then�she�caused the�Canadian�dollar

to�fall�to�77%�of�its�value just�by�being�a�woman.

But�now,�residents�of�Alberta say�she�has�gone�even�further.

I've�always�been�proud�to�live in�the�wild�rose�province.

The�backbone�of�Canada.

But�after�what�Notley�did,

I�don't�think�our�province will�ever�be�the�same.

Ms.�Notley is�a�terrible�premier.

She�should�resign�in�disgrace.

What�has�premier�Notley done�now?

I�tried�to�start my�own�small�business.

But�Notley�and�her�bureaucrats have�made�it�illegal�for�me

to�dig�my�own transcontinental�oil�pipeline.

Is�that�it?

I'm�pretty�sure�she�also�drank all�the�milk�in�my�house.

Rachel�Notley and�her�progressive�attitude to�sexuality

convinced�my�son to�start�touching�himself...

Down�there.

(WHISPERS)�His�penis.

-How�old�is�your�son? -Twenty-two.

I�got�a�DUI.

Yeah,�thanks,�Notley.

Last�night,�Premier�Notley came�over�to�my�house,

crept�around�back, ripped�open�my�garbage�bags

and�spread�trash around�everywhere.

It�took�forever�to�clean�up.

How�can�you�be�so�sure it�was�Rachel�Notley?

Oh,�I'd�recognize her�musk�anywhere.

Timmy�never�would've�done�this when�the�Tories�were�in�power.

Premier�Notley�made�my�wife fall�out�of�love�with�me.

(SOBBING)

Rachel�Notley�convinced�my�dog to�eat�its�own�poop.

(SOBBING) Why'd�you�do�it,�Ms.�Notley?

As�you�saw, these�Albertans�were�outraged

that�they�are�being�led by�a�nocturnal�garbage�monster

who�induces�the�young to�masturbate

and�the�old�to�drink.

However,�Premier�Notley�has so�far�refused�calls�to�resign

and�denied�these�charges,

claiming�she�was�far�too�busy dealing�drugs

to�the�province's�children.

Laura�Cilevitz, The�Beaverton,�Calgary.

Thanks,�Laura.

Speaking�of�segues, Kim�Kardashian...

Fashion�icon, selfie�professional,

and�world's�most famous�collector

of�junk�in�the�trunk,

has�implemented a�new�charitable�venture,

"Butts�For�the�Needy."

Kardashian,�whose�own famous�backside has�greatly�benefited�her,

said�she�wanted�to�give those�less�fortunate

the�same�thick leg�up�she's�had.

The�Kardashian "Buns�for�Bums"�program

took�to�the�streets earlier�this�week,

offering�the�homeless backsides

that�ranged�from�perky to�"Damn,�boy."

So�far�the�program has�been�a�success.

One�lucky�recipient�noted...

(READING)

"...and�shapely,�while�I�try to�overcome�addiction."

It's�always�nice�to�see�people pull�themselves�up by�their�butt�straps.

Dad�jokes: are�they�annoying?

After�the�break,�we�explore how�one�anchor�thinks,�"Yes."

(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)

Everybody�wants�to�know where�they�come�from.

And�with�today's�genealogy websites,�everybody�can.

But�for�a�certain�sector of�the�population,

there's�just�one�problem.

Why�would�he�give�them the�blankets if�he�knew�they�were�infected?

All�the�women�and�children?

What�and�pillaging?

Why�would�they�not just�stop�at�pillaging?

That's�right,�if�you're�white,

knowing�the�truth�about where�you�come�from can�be�a�little�uncomfortable.

That's�why�we're�proud to�introduce�whitewashed.ca,

the�first�ancestry�site that�shows�you

all�the�good�parts of�your�family�history,

but�glosses�over the�"genocide-y"�stuff.

Hey,�my�ancestor�ran�a�cotton growing�co-op�in�the�1820s.

He�was�so�ahead�of�his�time!

It�looks�like�I�come�from a�long�line�of�explorers!

Grandpa�Fritz�followed�orders for�a�living.

That�could�mean�anything!

ANNOUNCER: whitewashed.ca.

When�your�family has�blood�on�its�hands,

don't�worry, just�whitewash�it�off.

Coming�up�next...

Don�Cherry�unveils�his�new line�of�clothing�for�women...

EMMA:��UNESCO�downgrades the�Great�Barrier�Reef

to�the�"Deece"�Barrier�Reef...

MIGUEL:��And�the�technological breakthrough in�Virtual�Insanity�glasses

let�you�experience�life as�Jamiroquai.

Justin�Trudeau�has�once�again won�the�Internet.

Our�cool�PM�posted a�Dubsmash�video�he�recorded

while�approving�the�new transcontinental�oil�pipeline.

The�viral�clip�shows�Trudeau and�the�board�of�Kinder�Morgan

performing�a�choreographed routine�to�Drake's��One�Dance,

moments�after�confirming�plans

to�build�a�pipeline through�Indigenous�lands.

The�video�has�had over�10�million�views,

nearly�as�many�as the�shirtless�photo�of�Trudeau

signing�an�arms�deal with�Saudi�Arabia.

Many�Americans�want�to�crack down�on�Mexican�immigration.

But�lost�in�the�noise is�the�push�to�protect the�country's�northern�borders

from�Canadian Black�Friday�shoppers.

Our�own�Donavon�Stinson has�more.

-(INTENSE�MUSIC�PLAYING) -Fuck�you,�right?

When�America's�on�edge,

anti-immigrant sentiment�rises.

People�cling�to�guns, religion,

and�misinterpreted Springsteen�lyrics.

Plus,�there's�a�marked�uptick in�citizen�militia�activity.

With�Black�Friday just�around�the�corner,

I'd�heard�rumors�of�a�group that�was�patrolling common�entry�points

for�Ontario�residents�to upstate�New�York�outlet�malls.

So,�I�went�undercover�with the�Empire�State�Minutemen,

to�understand�what�it�is that's�so�threatening

about�Canadian discount�shoppers.

So,�tell�me,�Mitch, why�did�you�start the�Empire�State�Minutemen?

MITCH:�Well,�a�few�years�ago,

I�went�to�one�of�those Bills�games�in�Toronto.

You�know,�I�gotta�say that�the�Bills�are�probably

my�favorite American�football�team.

-What? -Never�mind.�Go�on.

Anyway,�a�few�minutes�goes�by,

I'm�drinking�a�tall�can in�the�parking�lot,

and�a�cop�comes�up and�tells�me,

"We�have�public drinking�laws�here."

I'm�so�sorry that�happened�to�you.

I�mean,�sorry. I�mean,�fuck�you.

Anyway,�I'm�on�my�way�home and�I�stop�at�Target.

I�get�in�there and�there's�all�these�people spending�Canadian�money.

Ah!�Canadian�money.

-It�was�sickening. -Yeah.

Drybacks�everywhere, taking�all�our�best�bargains.

-Wow. -Nike�shoes.

Ah,�the�worst.

-Levi's�jeans. -Yup,�yup.

DONAVON:��Mitch�invited�me to�come�along�on�patrol

with�his�own�personal�platoon,

his�fiancee�and�infant�son.

Do�I�need�a�permit�for�this? Or�am�I...

I'm�just�kidding! Fuck�you,�right?

You�know,�I�just�want�Jackson to�grow�up

-in�the�same�America�I�did. -Yeah.

Free�of�snow-monkeys buying�up�all�the�best off-brand�electronics.

-Yeah.�Yeah. -Right,�Jackson?

You�like�snow-monkeys, don't�you?

-No,�he�doesn't. -No,�he�doesn't.

-At�all.�Nope. -(JACKSON�BABBLES)

Is�it�loaded?

We've�been�on�patrol for�about�six�hours�now.

We�broke�for�lunch, eight�bathroom�trips,

and�two�naps.

We�talked�a�lot about�his�petition

to�build�a�Walmart

spanning�the�entire Canadian�border.

But�mostly,�we�drank.

MITCH:�(ON�RADIO) Donovan,�come�in,�over.

Go�for�Donovan.

Suspect�coming�out of�Hugo�Boss.

We�got�a�potential�savings.

Yeah,�it's�confirmed. It's�a�2-for-1,�10-4.

-(GUNSHOT) -Jesus!�Fuck!�What�was�that?

(PANTING)�Oh,�fuck!

MITCH:��Help!�Help�me,�please!

You�know�what,�buddy? Maybe�I�should�just�stay�here.

Keep�a�look�out.

It's�all�clear.�I�just�really need�medical�attention.

-I've�been�shot! -Okay,�you've�been...

That's�gross...

DONAVON:��Mitch�and�I�both needed�medical�attention.

Me,�for�a�concussion when�I�was�viciously�tripped by�an�unseen�insurgent.

And�Mitch,�for�being�shot by�his�six-month-old�child.

Jackson�thought�he�had�a�shot. I�gotta�trust�his�judgment.

But�the�fact�that�I�wasn't targeted�by�a�foreigner,

I've�never�felt�safer.

This�is�so�hard to�say,�brother,

but�I've�been�keeping something�from�you,�Mitch.

I,�uh...�I'm...

I'm�Canadian.

Give�me�back my�Cyber�Monday�promo�codes,

you�fucking�Canadian.

(GRUNTING)�I'm�sorry! I'm�so�sorry!

Wayne�Gretzky can't�save�you�now,�asshole!

DONAVON:��In�a�way, I�felt�bad�for�Mitch.

Ow!�Ow!

He�lashed�out because�he�was�hurt.

But�I�think�he�was most�hurt�by�the�bullet.

And�the�fact�that�he�had to�miss�his�bachelor�party in�Montreal�that�weekend.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Donavon�Stinson.

Thanks�for that�report,�Donavon.

And�the�cardigan�you�got�me.

To�Israel�now,�where tensions�are�running�high

after�disaster�struck a�Birthright�teen�tour.

Sources�say that�at�11:00�p.m.,

Jonathan,�the�cool�Israeli soldier�with�the�hot�accent,

rejected�Sarah Lipowicz-Goldenstienberg's advances

and�slept�with�her�roommate Ronit�instead.

We�flew�Marilla�Wex�directly into�the�conflict�zone

early�this�morning at�the�King�David�Hotel.

-Marilla? -Hi,�Miguel.

The�mood�here�is�grim

on�this�rite�of�passage for�Jewish�teenagers.

Loud�shrieks ring�through�the�halls.

The�unsettling�flashes�of camera�phones�are�a�constant.

And�the�sickly�sweet�smell of�vodka�coolers�and�regret

wafts�through�the�air.

Is�there�any�indication as�to�what�Ronit�was�thinking?

She�had�to�have�known the�international�community

would�condemn�her�aggression.

The�Associated�Press reported�earlier

that�Ronit�knew Sarah�liked�Jonathan,

which�was�later�confirmed by��Haaretz.

Knowing�this, we�can�only�assume

Ronit�intentionally went�behind�Sarah's�back,

perhaps�as�retribution for�that�night�in�Eilat

when�she�puked all�those�Jagerbombs

into�Ronit's Longchamp�handbag.

There�are�members of�Ronit's�faction

who�continue�to�defend�her territorial�claim�to�Jonathan,

pointing�to�Sarah's�reputation as�a�prude

who�terrorizes�victims with�dry�hand�jobs.

This�is�a�contentious talking�point.

Marilla,�is�there�any consensus�on�the�ground to�the�truth�of�these�rumors?

Yes,�her�hands are�like�sandpaper,�Miguel.

But�still,�should�her�HJs be�held�to�a�higher�standard?

After�all,�Ronit�went�so�far

as�to�give�Jonathan�a�blowie at�the�Holocaust�Memorial.

This�is�clearly a�conflict�rife�with�emotion.

Stay�safe,�Marilla.

Coming�up... Spanking�your�child�is�wrong,

but�teaching�your�child�to spank�himself,�is�that�okay?

Our�parenting�expert tells�you,�"No,�it's�not."

(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)

Later�this�hour...

Pope�Francis has�once�again�asserted

his�"Cool�Pope"�bona�fides

with�a�progressive knuckle�tattoo.

EMMA:��A�desperate�ISIS is�now�offering�martyrs

seventy-two�virgins and�one�slut.

MIGUEL:��And�after�a�flood at�Blackberry�headquarters,

employees�are�scrambling to�immerse the�entire�building�in�rice.

An�environmental�disaster

struck�the�Gulf�of�Mexico today

after�the�Bud�Light Cruise�ship�capsized,

spilling�four�million�liters

of�liquid�douchebag into�the�ocean.

The�combination�of�hair�gel, spray�tan

and�cruise�performer,�Pitbull,

have�combined�to�form a�toxic�substance

endangering�hundreds of�species�of�wildlife native�to�the�area.

Worst�of�all, is�the�300�barrels�of�rohypnol that�has�been�released,

causing�several�million sluggish�albacore�tuna

to�be�groped�and�harassed

by�a�gang�of roided�up�manatees.

A�representative�for Anheuser-Busch�InBev

expressed�regret for�the�unfortunate�situation,

and�couldn't�fathom where�the�marine�mammals

would�learn�such deplorable�behavior.

Moving�on�to the�sports�world...

From�huge�hits to�sweet�dangles,

to�other�references I�understand,

the�boys�at�the Beaverton�Sports�Network have�got�you�covered.

Let's�go�to�them for�an�update.

Evening�and�welcome�back�to the�Beaverton�Sports�Network.

He's�Pat,�I'm�Luke.

Both�of�us�wanted�to�be athletes�when�we�grew�up

and�now�our�job�is�to�tell�you what�an�athlete�is�doing

as�you�watch�a�clip�of�them do�that�thing.

-We're�also�best�friends! -Oh,�yeah.

We�begin�tonight�with�the�NBA,

where�the�Toronto�Raptors and�Rogers�Communications

have�reached�a�new�corporate sponsorship�agreement

affecting�all�aspects of�the�in-game�experience.

From�now�on,�the�basketball hoop�will�be�renamed

the�"Rogers�Ring,"

the�ball,�"a�Rogers�bouncy" and�the�shot�clock

"the�24-second�Ted�Rogers memorial�shot�expiration countdown�bundle."

-Killing�it,�bud! -Thanks,�man.

The�federal�government is�offering

the�National�Lacrosse�League relief�after�witnessing

the�squalid�conditions�of�the Regina�Rangers'�facilities.

-Great�job,�man. -I�know.

In�the�NHL,�pressure is�on�the�nation's�teams

to�avoid�a�repeat of�last�season's�failures,

where�not�a�single�Canadian squad�made�the�playoffs.

Fortunately,�the�players appear�unconcerned,

insisting�that, thanks�to�brain�injuries,

they�don't�even�remember last�year.

Confident�as�ever, Flames�D-man�Dennis�Wideman

told�reporters�that last�season�was�nothing�more

than�a�gray,�painful�blur with�lots�of�ringing�noises.

-Love�you,�dude. -I�do�this�for�you.

But�the�biggest�story in�the�hockey�world

is�talented�Leafs�forward and�number�one�overall�pick,

Auston�Matthews, breaking�into�the�NHL.

His�arrival�has�led to�a�lot�of�speculation,

and�has�also�caused a�bit�of�a�dispute

between�Pat�and�myself

about�how�exactly�the�Leafs will�blow�this�one.

I�think�the�Toronto�media�is gonna�be�the�key�here,�okay?

This�is�an�American�kid from�Arizona,

where�hockey is�just�below�lawn�bowling

in�terms�of�sports�popularity.

He's�not�used�to�the�spotlight

and�the�endless�columns criticizing�his�every�move.

It�is�going�to�eat�him�alive.

I�could�not�disagree�more.

Clearly,�what�is�going to�destroy�Auston�Matthews

are�Toronto's�clubs and�endless�hockey�groupies.

Within�a�few�years he'll�be�high-sticking�dudes

just�so�he�can�get�to�the penalty�box�and�check�Tinder.

You're�crazy. He's�a�shy�kid�who's�gonna go�inside�his�shell

the�second�the��Toronto�Sun turns�on�him.

It's�Phil�Kessel all�over�again.

No�way.�He's�gonna�get obliterated�on�King�West.

He's�Shayne�Corson all�over�again!

Okay,�well, can�we�at�least�agree�that,

like�all�great�Leafs�forwards, he'll�get�horrifically�injured

the�second�things�start going�well.�I�mean,�he�is...

BOTH:�Dougie�Gilmour all�over�again!

-Thank�you. -Right.�Right.

That's�totally�how�it'll�go.

-So,�debate�over? -Debate�over.

Still�friends?

I'm�still wearing�my�locket.�You?

No.

That's�about�it for�this�BSN�update,

tune�in�at�11:00,�where we'll�talk�to�the�survivors

of�the�first�ever Aussie�Rules�Zumba�class.

Welcome�back.

Who�run�the�world?�Girls!

Specifically�hot�girls in�the�demo.

To�help�you�stay on�the�right�side�of�30,

our�own�beauty�maven,�Amber, is�here�with�"Amber's�Alert."

(SIREN�BLARING)

K,�listen�up�you�froshie�pigs.

From�your�crow's�feet to�your�ho's�feet,

I've�got�you�covered.

Shit's�getting�real,�guys.

A�new�study�says it�costs�an�average�woman

over�$2�million�dollars�in�her lifetime�just�to�be�a�seven.

A�Toronto�seven or�a�Winnipeg�seven?

And�with the�unwavering�expectations

around�body�hair�removal,

that�could�soon�fall to�a�Sudbury�six.

Why�do�female�healthcare products�cost�more�than�men's

when�their�dicks�are�so�much bigger�than�ours?

What�can�we�women�do?

We�need�to�make a�strong�statement.

And�the�best�way to�make�a�statement

is�to�say�nothing�at�all.

Let�your�lips'�color do�the�talking�for�you.

With�ConcealHer's new�line�of�lip�gloss,

you�can�look�good and�feel�secure�that�you�do.

Made�with�epoxy�glue,

your�hot�lips�will�literally be�locked�and�loaded,

so�you�can't�speak�or�eat!

That's�why�it's�this�week's

-Amber's�Alert! -(SIREN�BLARING)

So,�what�are�the�big�colors we�can�expect to�see�this�fall?

You'll�have the�perfect�pout�in,

"You�could�lose�a�few�blue."

Or,�look�and�feel amazing�in,

"I�don't�care if�you�text�me�back,�Jared!"

This�line�is�gonna change�your�life.

Any�other�tips for�the�beauty�savvy?

When�it�comes�to�teeth, there's�no�room�for�diversity.

Keep�'em�straight and�keep�'em�white.

-Obviously. -Oh,�but�don't�worry,�Miguel,

when�it�comes�to�hair,

the�ethnic�look�is�super�in right�now.

-Why�would�I,�uh... -That's�it�for�Amber's�Alert.

I'm�Amber�reminding�you

everything�everyone�is�saying about�you�is�true.

Thanks,�Amber.

Before�we�end the�show�tonight,

we�wanted�our�viewers�to�know

about�our�office-wide step�challenge.

And�Miguel�and�I�have�agreed to�have�our�results

shown�on�the�air.

-Oh!�(CHUCKLES) -Emma!

You�walked�18,000�steps yesterday.�That's�amazing.

Ran,�actually.

The�security�guard was�relentless.

Okay,�Miguel, let's�see�if�you�beat�that.

Okay.

There's�gotta�be something�wrong.

How�did�you�only�take 23�steps?

After�last�night's�broadcast,

I�sat�in�my�chair until�tonight's�broadcast.

You�know,�like�a�professional.

So,�you�just sat�here�all�night? What�did�you�do?

I�read�from�the�teleprompter, did�breathing�exercises,

got�in�three�hours of�gravitas�practice.

Check�this�out.

Seventeen�were�killed�today in�a�speed-boat�accident.

How'd�you�go�to�the�bathroom?

That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight.

For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.

And�I'm�Emma�Hunter.

And�I�have just�as�much�gravitas.

Eighteen�were�killed�today in�a�speed-boat�accident.

Twenty�were�killed on�two�speed�boats.

Three�hundred�speed�boats were�killed�themselves by�themselves

with�guns,�cannons.

Emma�was�killed without�gravitas.

War's�not�a�joke.

(MUSIC�PLAYING)

(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)

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