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Donald�J.�Trump has�been�elected�President. Is�this�America's�9/11?
MIGUEL:��We�finally�have an�answer�to�the�question
of�whether�the�US is�more�racist�or�sexist?
EMMA:��With�Trump's�victory, Hillary�Clinton�now�makes an�important�decision,
which�prison�gang�to�join.
(THEME�PLAYING)
Welcome�to��The�Beaverton,
the�news�show�that�will make�the�apocalypse
we�are�currently�living�in slightly�more�palatable.
I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�future�road�warrior, Emma�Hunter.
Our�top�story,
sad�news�as�the�United�States was�found�dead�last�night in�its�North�America�home.
Investigators�have�ruled the�death�a�suicide,
the�result�of�300�million gunshot�wounds�to�the�foot.
The�nation�was�only�240.
Recently,�neighbors�became concerned�when�the�nation started�arguing�with�itself,
developed�type�2�diabetes, and�yelled�at�brown�kids to�get�off�its�lawn.
America�leaves�behind its�children,�Puerto�Rico, Guam,�the�Virgin�Islands,
and�its�estranged�stepchild, Guantanamo�Bay.
In�lieu�of�flowers, the�family�asks�that�you�send bombs�to�the�Middle�East.
In�directly�related�news,
the�United�States�made�history by�electing�its�first�ever sociopath�president.
Now,�parents�of�kids who�show�no�remorse and�draw�disturbing�pictures
can�look�into�their�children's cold,�soulless�eyes�and�say,
"You�can�be�president�too.
"Oh,�my�God,�what�did�you�do to�all�those�hamsters?"
Previously,�sociopaths were�pushed�to the�margins�of�society,
forced�into�asylums, or�relegated�to�the�corner offices�on�Wall�Street.
Despite�a�system that�was�totally�rigged against�him,
The�Donald�managed�to�clinch the�presidency�by�uniting�a diverse�network�of�Americans,
including�yellers,�screamers, MRA�groups,�NRA�members,
MMA�fans,�MBAs,�the�KKK,
and�the�American�Association of�Acronym�Enthusiasts...
Acronym�pending.
But�questions�remain about�Trump's�ability�to�lead a�divided�America.
Can�he�work�with�his�critics?
How�many�Syrian�refugees will�he�deport�back�to�Mexico?
Are�journalists�to�be imprisoned�or�simply�shot?
His�campaign�had more�references�to�genitalia than�policy�details,
so�it's�difficult�to�say what�will�happen
once�the�new�president moves�into�the�Trump White�House�and�Casino.
With�only�two�months�left in�his�presidency,
Barack�Obama�must�now�turn
to�the�busy�work of�Trump-proofing the�White�House.
Obama�has�already�dismantled the�drone�strike�program,
gave�several�billion�dollars in�cash�to�Planned�Parenthood,
and�put�foam�protectors on�the�sharp�tips�of America's�nuclear�warheads.
Additionally, he's�placed�safety�plugs
in�all�of�the�White�House electrical�outlets�to�protect Trump's�tiny�fingers,
a�baby�gate�on�the�stairs to�the�Situation�Room,
and�installed safety�latches�on�all female�staffer's�pussies.
Once�his�presidential�duties are�complete,
Obama�intends�to�leave Washington�and�move�back to�his�home�state,�Kenya.
Donald�Trump�isn't�the�only big�orange�winner that�shocked�the�electorate.
Rachel�Notley's�NDP won�an�unprecedented�victory in�Alberta
more�than�a�year�ago.
But�has�she�been�able�to�win over�her�harshest�critics?
For�more�on�how "No,�she�has�not,"
we�go�to�our�own Laura�Cilevitz.
LAURA:��Since�taking�power in�May�2015,
NDP�premier�Rachel�Notley�has,
according�to�Conservative uncles�everywhere,
been�a�disaster�for�Alberta.
First,�she�set�fire to�Fort�McMurray
in�order�to�decimate the�oil�industry.
Then�she�caused the�Canadian�dollar
to�fall�to�77%�of�its�value just�by�being�a�woman.
But�now,�residents�of�Alberta say�she�has�gone�even�further.
I've�always�been�proud�to�live in�the�wild�rose�province.
The�backbone�of�Canada.
But�after�what�Notley�did,
I�don't�think�our�province will�ever�be�the�same.
Ms.�Notley is�a�terrible�premier.
She�should�resign�in�disgrace.
What�has�premier�Notley done�now?
I�tried�to�start my�own�small�business.
But�Notley�and�her�bureaucrats have�made�it�illegal�for�me
to�dig�my�own transcontinental�oil�pipeline.
Is�that�it?
I'm�pretty�sure�she�also�drank all�the�milk�in�my�house.
Rachel�Notley and�her�progressive�attitude to�sexuality
convinced�my�son to�start�touching�himself...
Down�there.
(WHISPERS)�His�penis.
-How�old�is�your�son? -Twenty-two.
I�got�a�DUI.
Yeah,�thanks,�Notley.
Last�night,�Premier�Notley came�over�to�my�house,
crept�around�back, ripped�open�my�garbage�bags
and�spread�trash around�everywhere.
It�took�forever�to�clean�up.
How�can�you�be�so�sure it�was�Rachel�Notley?
Oh,�I'd�recognize her�musk�anywhere.
Timmy�never�would've�done�this when�the�Tories�were�in�power.
Premier�Notley�made�my�wife fall�out�of�love�with�me.
(SOBBING)
Rachel�Notley�convinced�my�dog to�eat�its�own�poop.
(SOBBING) Why'd�you�do�it,�Ms.�Notley?
As�you�saw, these�Albertans�were�outraged
that�they�are�being�led by�a�nocturnal�garbage�monster
who�induces�the�young to�masturbate
and�the�old�to�drink.
However,�Premier�Notley�has so�far�refused�calls�to�resign
and�denied�these�charges,
claiming�she�was�far�too�busy dealing�drugs
to�the�province's�children.
Laura�Cilevitz, The�Beaverton,�Calgary.
Thanks,�Laura.
Speaking�of�segues, Kim�Kardashian...
Fashion�icon, selfie�professional,
and�world's�most famous�collector
of�junk�in�the�trunk,
has�implemented a�new�charitable�venture,
"Butts�For�the�Needy."
Kardashian,�whose�own famous�backside has�greatly�benefited�her,
said�she�wanted�to�give those�less�fortunate
the�same�thick leg�up�she's�had.
The�Kardashian "Buns�for�Bums"�program
took�to�the�streets earlier�this�week,
offering�the�homeless backsides
that�ranged�from�perky to�"Damn,�boy."
So�far�the�program has�been�a�success.
One�lucky�recipient�noted...
(READING)
"...and�shapely,�while�I�try to�overcome�addiction."
It's�always�nice�to�see�people pull�themselves�up by�their�butt�straps.
Dad�jokes: are�they�annoying?
After�the�break,�we�explore how�one�anchor�thinks,�"Yes."
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
Everybody�wants�to�know where�they�come�from.
And�with�today's�genealogy websites,�everybody�can.
But�for�a�certain�sector of�the�population,
there's�just�one�problem.
Why�would�he�give�them the�blankets if�he�knew�they�were�infected?
All�the�women�and�children?
What�and�pillaging?
Why�would�they�not just�stop�at�pillaging?
That's�right,�if�you're�white,
knowing�the�truth�about where�you�come�from can�be�a�little�uncomfortable.
That's�why�we're�proud to�introduce�whitewashed.ca,
the�first�ancestry�site that�shows�you
all�the�good�parts of�your�family�history,
but�glosses�over the�"genocide-y"�stuff.
Hey,�my�ancestor�ran�a�cotton growing�co-op�in�the�1820s.
He�was�so�ahead�of�his�time!
It�looks�like�I�come�from a�long�line�of�explorers!
Grandpa�Fritz�followed�orders for�a�living.
That�could�mean�anything!
ANNOUNCER: whitewashed.ca.
When�your�family has�blood�on�its�hands,
don't�worry, just�whitewash�it�off.
Coming�up�next...
Don�Cherry�unveils�his�new line�of�clothing�for�women...
EMMA:��UNESCO�downgrades the�Great�Barrier�Reef
to�the�"Deece"�Barrier�Reef...
MIGUEL:��And�the�technological breakthrough in�Virtual�Insanity�glasses
let�you�experience�life as�Jamiroquai.
Justin�Trudeau�has�once�again won�the�Internet.
Our�cool�PM�posted a�Dubsmash�video�he�recorded
while�approving�the�new transcontinental�oil�pipeline.
The�viral�clip�shows�Trudeau and�the�board�of�Kinder�Morgan
performing�a�choreographed routine�to�Drake's��One�Dance,
moments�after�confirming�plans
to�build�a�pipeline through�Indigenous�lands.
The�video�has�had over�10�million�views,
nearly�as�many�as the�shirtless�photo�of�Trudeau
signing�an�arms�deal with�Saudi�Arabia.
Many�Americans�want�to�crack down�on�Mexican�immigration.
But�lost�in�the�noise is�the�push�to�protect the�country's�northern�borders
from�Canadian Black�Friday�shoppers.
Our�own�Donavon�Stinson has�more.
-(INTENSE�MUSIC�PLAYING) -Fuck�you,�right?
When�America's�on�edge,
anti-immigrant sentiment�rises.
People�cling�to�guns, religion,
and�misinterpreted Springsteen�lyrics.
Plus,�there's�a�marked�uptick in�citizen�militia�activity.
With�Black�Friday just�around�the�corner,
I'd�heard�rumors�of�a�group that�was�patrolling common�entry�points
for�Ontario�residents�to upstate�New�York�outlet�malls.
So,�I�went�undercover�with the�Empire�State�Minutemen,
to�understand�what�it�is that's�so�threatening
about�Canadian discount�shoppers.
So,�tell�me,�Mitch, why�did�you�start the�Empire�State�Minutemen?
MITCH:�Well,�a�few�years�ago,
I�went�to�one�of�those Bills�games�in�Toronto.
You�know,�I�gotta�say that�the�Bills�are�probably
my�favorite American�football�team.
-What? -Never�mind.�Go�on.
Anyway,�a�few�minutes�goes�by,
I'm�drinking�a�tall�can in�the�parking�lot,
and�a�cop�comes�up and�tells�me,
"We�have�public drinking�laws�here."
I'm�so�sorry that�happened�to�you.
I�mean,�sorry. I�mean,�fuck�you.
Anyway,�I'm�on�my�way�home and�I�stop�at�Target.
I�get�in�there and�there's�all�these�people spending�Canadian�money.
Ah!�Canadian�money.
-It�was�sickening. -Yeah.
Drybacks�everywhere, taking�all�our�best�bargains.
-Wow. -Nike�shoes.
Ah,�the�worst.
-Levi's�jeans. -Yup,�yup.
DONAVON:��Mitch�invited�me to�come�along�on�patrol
with�his�own�personal�platoon,
his�fiancee�and�infant�son.
Do�I�need�a�permit�for�this? Or�am�I...
I'm�just�kidding! Fuck�you,�right?
You�know,�I�just�want�Jackson to�grow�up
-in�the�same�America�I�did. -Yeah.
Free�of�snow-monkeys buying�up�all�the�best off-brand�electronics.
-Yeah.�Yeah. -Right,�Jackson?
You�like�snow-monkeys, don't�you?
-No,�he�doesn't. -No,�he�doesn't.
-At�all.�Nope. -(JACKSON�BABBLES)
Is�it�loaded?
We've�been�on�patrol for�about�six�hours�now.
We�broke�for�lunch, eight�bathroom�trips,
and�two�naps.
We�talked�a�lot about�his�petition
to�build�a�Walmart
spanning�the�entire Canadian�border.
But�mostly,�we�drank.
MITCH:�(ON�RADIO) Donovan,�come�in,�over.
Go�for�Donovan.
Suspect�coming�out of�Hugo�Boss.
We�got�a�potential�savings.
Yeah,�it's�confirmed. It's�a�2-for-1,�10-4.
-(GUNSHOT) -Jesus!�Fuck!�What�was�that?
(PANTING)�Oh,�fuck!
MITCH:��Help!�Help�me,�please!
You�know�what,�buddy? Maybe�I�should�just�stay�here.
Keep�a�look�out.
It's�all�clear.�I�just�really need�medical�attention.
-I've�been�shot! -Okay,�you've�been...
That's�gross...
DONAVON:��Mitch�and�I�both needed�medical�attention.
Me,�for�a�concussion when�I�was�viciously�tripped by�an�unseen�insurgent.
And�Mitch,�for�being�shot by�his�six-month-old�child.
Jackson�thought�he�had�a�shot. I�gotta�trust�his�judgment.
But�the�fact�that�I�wasn't targeted�by�a�foreigner,
I've�never�felt�safer.
This�is�so�hard to�say,�brother,
but�I've�been�keeping something�from�you,�Mitch.
I,�uh...�I'm...
I'm�Canadian.
Give�me�back my�Cyber�Monday�promo�codes,
you�fucking�Canadian.
(GRUNTING)�I'm�sorry! I'm�so�sorry!
Wayne�Gretzky can't�save�you�now,�asshole!
DONAVON:��In�a�way, I�felt�bad�for�Mitch.
Ow!�Ow!
He�lashed�out because�he�was�hurt.
But�I�think�he�was most�hurt�by�the�bullet.
And�the�fact�that�he�had to�miss�his�bachelor�party in�Montreal�that�weekend.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Donavon�Stinson.
Thanks�for that�report,�Donavon.
And�the�cardigan�you�got�me.
To�Israel�now,�where tensions�are�running�high
after�disaster�struck a�Birthright�teen�tour.
Sources�say that�at�11:00�p.m.,
Jonathan,�the�cool�Israeli soldier�with�the�hot�accent,
rejected�Sarah Lipowicz-Goldenstienberg's advances
and�slept�with�her�roommate Ronit�instead.
We�flew�Marilla�Wex�directly into�the�conflict�zone
early�this�morning at�the�King�David�Hotel.
-Marilla? -Hi,�Miguel.
The�mood�here�is�grim
on�this�rite�of�passage for�Jewish�teenagers.
Loud�shrieks ring�through�the�halls.
The�unsettling�flashes�of camera�phones�are�a�constant.
And�the�sickly�sweet�smell of�vodka�coolers�and�regret
wafts�through�the�air.
Is�there�any�indication as�to�what�Ronit�was�thinking?
She�had�to�have�known the�international�community
would�condemn�her�aggression.
The�Associated�Press reported�earlier
that�Ronit�knew Sarah�liked�Jonathan,
which�was�later�confirmed by��Haaretz.
Knowing�this, we�can�only�assume
Ronit�intentionally went�behind�Sarah's�back,
perhaps�as�retribution for�that�night�in�Eilat
when�she�puked all�those�Jagerbombs
into�Ronit's Longchamp�handbag.
There�are�members of�Ronit's�faction
who�continue�to�defend�her territorial�claim�to�Jonathan,
pointing�to�Sarah's�reputation as�a�prude
who�terrorizes�victims with�dry�hand�jobs.
This�is�a�contentious talking�point.
Marilla,�is�there�any consensus�on�the�ground to�the�truth�of�these�rumors?
Yes,�her�hands are�like�sandpaper,�Miguel.
But�still,�should�her�HJs be�held�to�a�higher�standard?
After�all,�Ronit�went�so�far
as�to�give�Jonathan�a�blowie at�the�Holocaust�Memorial.
This�is�clearly a�conflict�rife�with�emotion.
Stay�safe,�Marilla.
Coming�up... Spanking�your�child�is�wrong,
but�teaching�your�child�to spank�himself,�is�that�okay?
Our�parenting�expert tells�you,�"No,�it's�not."
(AUDIENCE�APPLAUDING)
Later�this�hour...
Pope�Francis has�once�again�asserted
his�"Cool�Pope"�bona�fides
with�a�progressive knuckle�tattoo.
EMMA:��A�desperate�ISIS is�now�offering�martyrs
seventy-two�virgins and�one�slut.
MIGUEL:��And�after�a�flood at�Blackberry�headquarters,
employees�are�scrambling to�immerse the�entire�building�in�rice.
An�environmental�disaster
struck�the�Gulf�of�Mexico today
after�the�Bud�Light Cruise�ship�capsized,
spilling�four�million�liters
of�liquid�douchebag into�the�ocean.
The�combination�of�hair�gel, spray�tan
and�cruise�performer,�Pitbull,
have�combined�to�form a�toxic�substance
endangering�hundreds of�species�of�wildlife native�to�the�area.
Worst�of�all, is�the�300�barrels�of�rohypnol that�has�been�released,
causing�several�million sluggish�albacore�tuna
to�be�groped�and�harassed
by�a�gang�of roided�up�manatees.
A�representative�for Anheuser-Busch�InBev
expressed�regret for�the�unfortunate�situation,
and�couldn't�fathom where�the�marine�mammals
would�learn�such deplorable�behavior.
Moving�on�to the�sports�world...
From�huge�hits to�sweet�dangles,
to�other�references I�understand,
the�boys�at�the Beaverton�Sports�Network have�got�you�covered.
Let's�go�to�them for�an�update.
Evening�and�welcome�back�to the�Beaverton�Sports�Network.
He's�Pat,�I'm�Luke.
Both�of�us�wanted�to�be athletes�when�we�grew�up
and�now�our�job�is�to�tell�you what�an�athlete�is�doing
as�you�watch�a�clip�of�them do�that�thing.
-We're�also�best�friends! -Oh,�yeah.
We�begin�tonight�with�the�NBA,
where�the�Toronto�Raptors and�Rogers�Communications
have�reached�a�new�corporate sponsorship�agreement
affecting�all�aspects of�the�in-game�experience.
From�now�on,�the�basketball hoop�will�be�renamed
the�"Rogers�Ring,"
the�ball,�"a�Rogers�bouncy" and�the�shot�clock
"the�24-second�Ted�Rogers memorial�shot�expiration countdown�bundle."
-Killing�it,�bud! -Thanks,�man.
The�federal�government is�offering
the�National�Lacrosse�League relief�after�witnessing
the�squalid�conditions�of�the Regina�Rangers'�facilities.
-Great�job,�man. -I�know.
In�the�NHL,�pressure is�on�the�nation's�teams
to�avoid�a�repeat of�last�season's�failures,
where�not�a�single�Canadian squad�made�the�playoffs.
Fortunately,�the�players appear�unconcerned,
insisting�that, thanks�to�brain�injuries,
they�don't�even�remember last�year.
Confident�as�ever, Flames�D-man�Dennis�Wideman
told�reporters�that last�season�was�nothing�more
than�a�gray,�painful�blur with�lots�of�ringing�noises.
-Love�you,�dude. -I�do�this�for�you.
But�the�biggest�story in�the�hockey�world
is�talented�Leafs�forward and�number�one�overall�pick,
Auston�Matthews, breaking�into�the�NHL.
His�arrival�has�led to�a�lot�of�speculation,
and�has�also�caused a�bit�of�a�dispute
between�Pat�and�myself
about�how�exactly�the�Leafs will�blow�this�one.
I�think�the�Toronto�media�is gonna�be�the�key�here,�okay?
This�is�an�American�kid from�Arizona,
where�hockey is�just�below�lawn�bowling
in�terms�of�sports�popularity.
He's�not�used�to�the�spotlight
and�the�endless�columns criticizing�his�every�move.
It�is�going�to�eat�him�alive.
I�could�not�disagree�more.
Clearly,�what�is�going to�destroy�Auston�Matthews
are�Toronto's�clubs and�endless�hockey�groupies.
Within�a�few�years he'll�be�high-sticking�dudes
just�so�he�can�get�to�the penalty�box�and�check�Tinder.
You're�crazy. He's�a�shy�kid�who's�gonna go�inside�his�shell
the�second�the��Toronto�Sun turns�on�him.
It's�Phil�Kessel all�over�again.
No�way.�He's�gonna�get obliterated�on�King�West.
He's�Shayne�Corson all�over�again!
Okay,�well, can�we�at�least�agree�that,
like�all�great�Leafs�forwards, he'll�get�horrifically�injured
the�second�things�start going�well.�I�mean,�he�is...
BOTH:�Dougie�Gilmour all�over�again!
-Thank�you. -Right.�Right.
That's�totally�how�it'll�go.
-So,�debate�over? -Debate�over.
Still�friends?
I'm�still wearing�my�locket.�You?
No.
That's�about�it for�this�BSN�update,
tune�in�at�11:00,�where we'll�talk�to�the�survivors
of�the�first�ever Aussie�Rules�Zumba�class.
Welcome�back.
Who�run�the�world?�Girls!
Specifically�hot�girls in�the�demo.
To�help�you�stay on�the�right�side�of�30,
our�own�beauty�maven,�Amber, is�here�with�"Amber's�Alert."
(SIREN�BLARING)
K,�listen�up�you�froshie�pigs.
From�your�crow's�feet to�your�ho's�feet,
I've�got�you�covered.
Shit's�getting�real,�guys.
A�new�study�says it�costs�an�average�woman
over�$2�million�dollars�in�her lifetime�just�to�be�a�seven.
A�Toronto�seven or�a�Winnipeg�seven?
And�with the�unwavering�expectations
around�body�hair�removal,
that�could�soon�fall to�a�Sudbury�six.
Why�do�female�healthcare products�cost�more�than�men's
when�their�dicks�are�so�much bigger�than�ours?
What�can�we�women�do?
We�need�to�make a�strong�statement.
And�the�best�way to�make�a�statement
is�to�say�nothing�at�all.
Let�your�lips'�color do�the�talking�for�you.
With�ConcealHer's new�line�of�lip�gloss,
you�can�look�good and�feel�secure�that�you�do.
Made�with�epoxy�glue,
your�hot�lips�will�literally be�locked�and�loaded,
so�you�can't�speak�or�eat!
That's�why�it's�this�week's
-Amber's�Alert! -(SIREN�BLARING)
So,�what�are�the�big�colors we�can�expect to�see�this�fall?
You'll�have the�perfect�pout�in,
"You�could�lose�a�few�blue."
Or,�look�and�feel amazing�in,
"I�don't�care if�you�text�me�back,�Jared!"
This�line�is�gonna change�your�life.
Any�other�tips for�the�beauty�savvy?
When�it�comes�to�teeth, there's�no�room�for�diversity.
Keep�'em�straight and�keep�'em�white.
-Obviously. -Oh,�but�don't�worry,�Miguel,
when�it�comes�to�hair,
the�ethnic�look�is�super�in right�now.
-Why�would�I,�uh... -That's�it�for�Amber's�Alert.
I'm�Amber�reminding�you
everything�everyone�is�saying about�you�is�true.
Thanks,�Amber.
Before�we�end the�show�tonight,
we�wanted�our�viewers�to�know
about�our�office-wide step�challenge.
And�Miguel�and�I�have�agreed to�have�our�results
shown�on�the�air.
-Oh!�(CHUCKLES) -Emma!
You�walked�18,000�steps yesterday.�That's�amazing.
Ran,�actually.
The�security�guard was�relentless.
Okay,�Miguel, let's�see�if�you�beat�that.
Okay.
There's�gotta�be something�wrong.
How�did�you�only�take 23�steps?
After�last�night's�broadcast,
I�sat�in�my�chair until�tonight's�broadcast.
You�know,�like�a�professional.
So,�you�just sat�here�all�night? What�did�you�do?
I�read�from�the�teleprompter, did�breathing�exercises,
got�in�three�hours of�gravitas�practice.
Check�this�out.
Seventeen�were�killed�today in�a�speed-boat�accident.
How'd�you�go�to�the�bathroom?
That's�all�the�time we�have�for�tonight.
For��The�Beaverton, I'm�Miguel�Rivas.
And�I'm�Emma�Hunter.
And�I�have just�as�much�gravitas.
Eighteen�were�killed�today in�a�speed-boat�accident.
Twenty�were�killed on�two�speed�boats.
Three�hundred�speed�boats were�killed�themselves by�themselves
with�guns,�cannons.
Emma�was�killed without�gravitas.
War's�not�a�joke.
(MUSIC�PLAYING)
(SPEAKING�INDISTINCTLY)
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