Original subtitles

I now bring to your attention...

one of the most stunning treasures in the British Library's entire collection.

The Magna Carta.

And now, over here...

perhaps the most cherished ancient artifact in the Western world.

The Shroud of Turin.

The Imperial Sword!

Chief Inspector Dreyfus is here to see you.

- Chief Inspector. - Sir.

I'm sure you know why you're here.

The British, the Italians and the Japanese are assembling an elite squad...

of their finest detectives...

an international Dream Team to track down this Tornado.

- And France will be represented? - Exactly.

I am honored, but not surprised.

This is the culmination of my career.

The moment that I've been waiting for all my life.

- No, no, no. - Well, not all my life, perhaps...

- No, no. - No. Nevertheless...

They want Clouseau, since he is considered the top detective in the world.

We have been asked if Clouseau is available to lead the Dream Team.

- Clouseau? - Yes, yes.

- Is there something wrong? - No, no, not at all.

Would you mind if I use your bathroom just for a moment?

- Certainly. - Thank you.

Clouseau.

I'm afraid, sir, that Clouseau is currently occupied.

- What? - I've assigned him to a mission...

so important for our country...

that I fear for our national security if he was taken off it.

Clearly a violation.

Parking ticket.

What is this for?

Thirty-one centimeters from the curb, nine centimeters too far.

Nine centimeters into the seamy black underbelly of crime.

- You must take the ticket. Take it. - Never!

You must take the ticket.

You're not wearing your seatbelt.

You are going to have to go to traffic school.

Pardon me.

- Stop this car immediately. - Okay.

Right.

- Are you finished yet? - Complete and operational.

Chief Inspector, your new system will monitor and record...

every word and every movement in this room.

So, if anyone breaks in, what happens?

Your office is linked to the elite Black Berets. They will be here in seconds.

Sir, Inspector Clouseau is here to see you.

Send him in.

- Clouseau? - I have to appoint him to the Dream Team.

- Clouseau? - Don't ask, don't...

Good afternoon, Chief Inspector. I'm here with my report.

This darn Medal of Honor.

You're so fortunate you never got one, Chief Inspector.

You look so tidy having no honors or other forms of distinguishing decor.

Why don't you wear it under your shirt, you know, out of sight?

Brilliant idea, Chief Inspector. That way it won't clang around.

Now, the parking ticket situation.

Over the last six weeks, I've given out almost four parking tickets.

One at the musée, overtime.

And one, you'll recall, to you, in violation of the bent-license-plate law.

- Yes, I recall. - It's all there in the report.

Fascinating. Well, I shall waste no time in reading it.

And just in case, I've deftly cataloged, numbered and cross-referenced...

each offense here in my little black book.

Now, Clouseau, you remember when I first put you on that parking ticket detail...

Yes, you explained it was a top level assignment.

And that if anyone ever asked you if I was the one who had assigned you...

to this incredibly important mission, you would deny it.

Chief Inspector, I don't even know what you are talking about.

Good work, Clouseau.

Now, to business. I have been instructed to reassign you...

Clouseau?

Clouseau.

We were being recorded.

- The Black Berets. - The password. What is the password?

- I don't know. - Four, three...

- We weren't yet told. - ... two, one.

Hamburger.

Thank you, sir. Have a nice day.

- The password was "hamburger"? - No, "hamburger".

- I said "hamburger". - No, you said "hamburger".

- Hamburger? - Hamburger.

How did you know that we were being recorded?

Easy, Inspector.

This pen emits a small beeping noise whenever it detects microwaves.

- RadioShack. $12. - What?

- How did you know the password? - This little LED chip decodes passwords.

I had it attached to the back of my Medal of Honor.

- RadioShack? - EBay. I got this there, too.

- What do you think this is? - A tape recorder?

No. It only looks like a tape-recorder. It's actually a pen.

So you can write with it and no one will know.

Bingo!

Now, you were saying, Inspector.

- You are being reassigned. - Let me read your mind.

The Tornado is at large, and you want me to protect the Pink Panther.

- No. - No?

It is my job to protect the Pink Panther.

You've merely been reassigned to the Dream Team.

That is quite an honor...

- But I cannot accept. - What?

If Inspector Clouseau were to leave France...

the Tornado would surely strike at the Pink Panther.

- I'm guarding it! - But...

Don't argue. You fly to Kyoto in the morning.

But I can't fly.

In a plane!

- But still... - That's an order.

Nicole.

You are traveling?

Yes, Inspector Dreyfus is sending me on a very dangerous mission.

- For how long? When will you return? - I will return when the criminal is caught.

It could be a month, it could be a year. You understand, Nicole.

- Yes, yes, of course. - Of course, we will have to stay apart.

If the criminal were to, say, kidnap you, he would have power over me.

Why would he have power over you?

Well, because, well...

you are like a brother to me.

A hot, sexy brother in a dress.

Nicole, I hope you have forgiven me for that one evening.

Yes, Inspector, it is forgotten.

- I have not forgotten. - Neither have I.

So, even though, technically, we are on duty...

do you think it would be all right to share a bottle of wine?

I think it would be all right.

Then I will select the wine. It is one of my specialties.

I would like to select my own wine.

And by the way, I am Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Remember this face.

- This is a very special bottle. - Delicious.

There was something about burning down a restaurant...

that ignited other, more illicit, fires.

- And I'm sorry about that. - As am I. Terribly remorseful.

It was a night to remember that we must forget.

We must never forget to not remember it.

And if we do remember it, we must immediately forget it.

Now, let's have a professional hug goodbye.

I'll be right there. I'll see you in several months.

- No problem. - And I do hope your hearing improves.

Ponton, I'm worried about my leaving France.

The Tornado is rampant. The Pink Panther is such a temptation...

and no Clouseau to protect it.

But you visited the museum yourself, you checked the security.

- It's gonna be all right. - Yes, I suppose you're right.

- Are you driving? - I like to stay in practice.

- Okay. - Remind me where the brakes are.

- Here. Yes. - There?

- Yes. - And then you turn here.

- Of course, yes. - All right.

- And this turns it. - Yeah.

Okay, here we go.

- Ponton. - Yes?

- This case is very strange. - How so, Inspector?

For 10 years, the Tornado terrorized Europe...

stealing over a quarter of a billion dollars worth of artifacts.

Then, for no reason, he suddenly stops.

Maybe the Tornado thought he had enough money.

If he had enough money, then why, after 10 years of complete inactivity...

does he suddenly spring back into action?

London, the Magna Carta. Italy, the sacred Shroud.

The Imperial Sword. Why now? Why all of a sudden? Why? Why?

You need to calm down.

Hey!

What's the matter, Ponton? You seem a little depressed today.

- Is it your wife again? - Yes.

She still feels my job takes up too much of my time.

The same old thing.

Next week is our 10th anniversary. She thinks we should go away together.

Ponton, would you like me to talk with her?

No.

I mean, this issue must be discussed between husband and wife.

Well, you must explain to her that we are men of the law.

Always living in the shadows.

Idiot.

I will miss you, Inspector.

I will miss you, too, Ponton.

- And, Ponton. - Yes?

I am sorry you can't satisfy your wife.

"I am now leaving France".

This is a bad idea.

The legendary Pink Panther Diamond has been stolen.

Officials suspect the perpetrator is the infamous Tornado.

What'd I tell you?

The theft of the Pink Panther would be the fourth high-profile crime...

Oh, my God! He was right.

The Dream Team was supposed to start its investigations in Kyoto, Japan...

but it's just been diverted to Paris.

France is in shock.

The international Dream Team of detectives will begin...

I'm standing outside the Grand Palais where the Pink Panther has been stolen.

Why are they cheering? This is a national tragedy.

We live in a media age. You must learn to adapt.

Then adapt I shall.

- Who do you think did this, Inspector? - Inspector, any comment?

Tornado, I'm coming to get you.

One more.

Tornado, I'm coming to get you. There's your one.

Good afternoon, Inspector. The other detectives have already arrived.

They are waiting for you.

- I'm sorry, I don't remember your name. - What?

- Yes. I am Nicole. - Yes, so nice to see you again.

You, too, Inspector.

Well, enough of this foreplay. Where are the other detectives?

Yes, they're waiting inside.

I hope no one has tampered with the crime scene.

A crime scene is like a code.

You decipher it, and it will lead inexorably to the criminal.

That is why it must always be kept in pristine condition.

Good day. I'm Inspector Jacques Clouseau of the French Police.

Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

And your name?

Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

That is your name. I thought you were ordering in Italian. Once again.

Vicenzo Roccara Squarcialupi Brancaleone.

Don Corleone.

I'm Kenji Mazuto.

Kenji Mazel Tov.

Randall Pepperidge.

And this is my associate Gilbert Ponton, and this is Nicole.

Nicole is here to service your needs...

so feel free to use her in any way you wish.

And now there is a crime scene waiting.

Excuse me. "El sceno de crimo".

- That is not Italian, and I do speak English. - Really? Prove it.

Gentlemen, we first have to determine how the crime was committed.

And as I am an expert at deduction...

- You are an expert at deduction? - That is my field.

I believe deduction is my field and since you are experiencing hip pain...

How did you know that?

One side of the sole of your shoe is worn more than the other.

You're favoring your right leg.

Tell me, did you enjoy your double espresso this morning?

- How did you... - Your pupils are noticeably dilated.

And will you be moving out of the Hotel Montmartre?

They are doing construction at night around the Montmartre...

so as not to disturb daytime traffic.

From your puffy eyes, I deduce you spent a sleepless night.

Speaking of traffic, are you enjoying your Smart car?

Your trousers are wrinkled behind the knees.

And how do you think your favorite football team, Arsenal, will do this year?

That matchbox is from the only bar in Paris...

that shows English football telecasts.

You have tissues in your shoes to make you look taller.

You were 14 before you finally learned to enjoy avocado.

Tell me, how did you enjoy your trip to the airport this morning?

Now, how did you know that?

- Perhaps one of you should begin. - Yes, this is silly.

You've recently lost your favorite cheese grater.

You have an aversion to cow bells.

Stop the insanity and look at this.

Il Tornado is not as careful as he thinks.

Fingerprint. With this small piece of glass, the case is practically solved.

This one has a fingerprint.

This one has a fingerprint, too.

This one has a fingerprint.

You don't need that. You have plenty of fingerprint evidence.

Guard that.

What do we know about this man, this Tornado.

Well, we know that he's a white male between 50 and 65...

with a scar from a bullet hole behind his right shoulder.

In 1996, the Tornado was shot right here in France while trying to steal a gold vase.

Blood was found, and as a result, his DNA has been on file for over 10 years...

without a match.

I'm sorry I'm a bit late. My flight was delayed.

You're Jacques Clouseau.

The Pink Panther detective. This is such a thrill.

- And who is it that are you? - I'm Sonia Solandres.

- Didn't anyone tell you that... - Yes. I was informed.

- A last-minute addition to our team. - That's right.

I've written a book on the old Tornado crimes...

but I'm not sure if I'm really gonna be much help here.

Technically speaking, I'm not really a detective.

Welcome. We can always use an extra mind.

Now, let me bring you up to speed. We know nothing.

You are now up to speed.

In world news today...

members of the Dream Team gathered for the first time in front of the Grand Palais...

to start their investigations into the Tornado thefts.

Inspector Clouseau had this to say.

Tornado, I'm coming to get you. There's your one.

I was able to discover this Tornado hacked the security system...

from a remote location and turned off all the alarms and surveillance scanners.

- Can you trace the source? - Yes, but it will take time.

- You are new here? - Yes, hello. Mrs. Berenger.

- I know who you are, Inspector. - Do you?

Due to the media frenzy surrounding this case...

I've been assigned to instruct employees on political and social correctness.

It's always nice to have a very sexy woman...

clomping around the building in high heels.

- You must never refer to a woman as sexy. - But I was complimenting you.

No, Inspector, you must not comment on a woman's body.

- I get it. I get it. I keep it to myself... - Yes.

- ... when I am thinking... - Inspector.

This will be an exercise and I want you to concentrate.

And no matter what I say, I want your expression to remain neutral.

That will be easy.

You're here in the corridor at your employment...

and you see a very pretty young woman walking toward you...

and her blouse is tight and is rather bursting at the buttons...

and she drops her pencil...

and as she bends to retrieve it, her blouse parts...

revealing the cleavage of her soft, round, white mounds.

And then the pencil rolls around and she bends again...

and her undulating buttocks cause the short skirt to rise...

just shy of the nooks and crannies.

I like you, Mrs. Berenger. I like you a lot.

So, I have made lunch reservations at four different restaurants...

depending on who wants to eat where.

You know, I cannot decide what is more beautiful.

Paris or you.

May I have a word in private?

I'm worried that your hot Italian blood might be leading you into an indiscretion.

Really?

Yes, these attentions you're paying to Nicole.

What?

I see. You and she, you like the...

Oh, no, no, no. She and I are co-workers, nothing more.

So I'm not stepping on toes.

How could you, since she and I have absolutely no feelings for one another.

Good, because I find her very alluring.

No. No. For a man like you, she's too drab.

- Drab? - And she is disgusting.

- Disgusting? - Yeah, she's drab and disgusting.

I think you are wrong, Clouseau.

You see, you and I, we are men of the world, no?

We've had all these sexy and glamorous women, right?

Yes, in fact, I believe you've made a conquest of your own...

in Miss Solandres.

Clouseau, you are a lover.

And Nicole is a woman for a lifetime, a woman to have the babies with.

- To have the babies? - Yes, lots and lots of the babies.

All day long the babies.

All day long the babies?

Ponton.

That Italian and I have locked antlers.

We are like two angry stags pawing at the ground.

Have we decided on lunch?

Well, I suppose you will be wanting sushi, my little yellow friend?

What?

Inspector, we never refer to Japanese people as "our little yellow friends".

- But why? - Because it is a stereotype.

Inspector, are you prejudiced against Asians?

Well, of course not. Except when they drive.

Have you ever seen them drive?

They can hardly see over the steering wheel.

- Inspector. - Well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Berenger.

I suppose I'm a bit of a dumb blonde about this.

- What? - You must never refer to blondes that way.

- But they are so dumb. - Oh, my God.

Were you just ogling her?

- No. - Yes, you were.

I did not.

- You did. - I did not.

- You did it again. - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. I saw it. - I did not.

- No, you didn't. - You did it.

- You did it again! - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - I did not.

- Yes, you did. - Oh, my God, look!

Oh, my God...

Ponton?

I had it out with my wife.

I told her that she must not question me about my work...

and that my home life must take second place to my career.

Good for you. Congratulations! You are now a real man.

So, then, can I stay here with you?

- What? - May I stay here? I got kicked out.

- Yes, I suppose. Temporarily. - Thank you.

It's okay, boys.

What are these?

Ponton?

They are my sons, Louis and Antoine. They took my side of the argument.

And this is Jacques.

They named him after you. They idolize you.

Uncle Jacques, what's that?

That is an award given to me by the President of France.

Go ahead.

- Is that the Pink Panther? - No, it's a replica.

A copy given to me for recovering the real diamond...

and returning it to France.

Let's show Uncle Jacques what we won.

We won these in a competition in karate school.

That is so cute.

Now, let me show you a real trophy.

One I won at a karate competition just recently.

Wow!

- You like karate? - We love it.

Remember, boys.

The secret to a successful karate attack is the element of surprise.

- Good one. - Thank you.

To find the Tornado, we must consider his motives.

I'm worried that right now, the thief is trying to sell the goods.

Right.

"Hey, buddy, do you want to buy the Shroud of Turin?"

No. These items are too famous to be sold.

Only the Pink Panther can be cut up and sold as smaller gems.

I suspect that's what he wants.

I have something.

This says the computer that hacked into the museum is located in Rome.

- Rome? - Yes. Is something wrong?

No. No. Rome means nothing to me.

I mean...

Rome? Do you know who lives in Rome?

- Alonso Avellaneda! - The black market art dealer.

The man rumored to be the Tornado's fence.

There's always been a suspicion...

that Avellaneda's not just the Tornado's fence, but the Tornado himself.

He is the right age.

Do we have a sample of his DNA?

Not yet, but we should be in Rome in one hour.

Where is our pilot?

I don't trust any other pilot for my plane but myself.

Your plane.

Nicoletta, would you like to be my co-pilot?

- Come. - Okay.

- Would I be disturbing you if I joined you? - No, no. Please disturb me.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said outside the museum...

about the psychology of the criminal.

The "why?"

Perhaps romantic disappointment.

A foolish young woman who leaves a man for a younger man.

That could never happen.

But of course.

What a man such as that should do...

is start a new romance with someone more appreciative.

That is so funny. "Start a new romance".

I'm not quite sure what you mean, but that is funny.

It appears that Inspector Clouseau does not find Miss Solandres drab.

"Drab"?

The very word that he used to describe you.

- He called me drab? - And disgusting.

Disgusting?

Thank you.

Hey, Ponton. Tell me more about Inspector Clouseau.

He's a brilliant man, unorthodox, oblique.

But I can tell you with absolute confidence...

he's the man who will solve this case.

Ponton-san, you are crazy.

If Clouseau solves this case, I am perfectly willing to run around...

like a bare-bummed idiot wearing nothing but a tutu.

Well, let's talk about Avellaneda.

- What are his proclivities? - He's an art connoisseur...

but because of his questionable dealings...

he was thrown out of Spain and must live here.

You see? He has squandered his reputation...

and he is forced to live in the woods like an animal...

with the shame of being a criminal.

If there is one absolute truth in this world, it is that crime does not pay.

You say the bullet hole is behind his right shoulder?

Yes.

Then all we have to do is figure out a way to get him to remove his shirt.

I was half expecting you.

Are you the so-called "Dream Team"?

And who is it who is inquiring of us who we are?

I am Alonso Avellaneda. Is this more of that Tornado nonsense?

We shall see who is the one who will be saying nonsensical things...

that are something of nonsense.

Well, I suppose I must bow to the inevitable.

Please, come inside. I'll join you in a moment.

Nicole.

While the Dream Team plays its little games, I am going to snoop around.

Who cares?

So, gentlemen and ladies, please make yourselves at home.

Now, how can I help you?

Seńor Avellaneda, where were you last Friday evening?

Dining with my daughter and my ex-wife.

Don't believe me, call them.

Why call them?

They already lied for you on the stand 10 years ago.

I am not the Tornado.

Do you mind if I examine your computer system?

Be my guest. I have nothing to hide.

Sometimes things hide in plain sight.

My security system.

Answer this question.

In the past, you admitted to dealings with II Tornado?

Yes, but that was 10 years ago.

Besides, I never saw his face.

How did you conduct these transactions if you never saw his face?

He was in disguise. He always wore a mask.

Did you call him Zorro? Or the Power Ranger?

Come, come, seńor Avellaneda, you expect us to believe...

that two grown men do millions of dollars of business...

with each other and you never saw his face?

Perhaps I saw him once.

Did it look something like this? Or this? How about this?

No, I've told you. I am not the Tornado.

How did you pay him?

With deposits into Swiss bank accounts.

Numbered. Untraceable.

I understand.

Look, I know my answers are less than satisfactory.

I realize that.

Does this mean I must spend the rest of my life...

living under a cloud of suspicion?

- Forgive my intrusion. - Yes.

There is one way to prove your innocence.

Back in 1996, while perpetrating a crime...

Yes, yes, yes. He received a bullet wound in the shoulder.

Is this what it's come to?

That I must strip down and remove my clothes...

in the sanctity of my own home...

before a group of people I've only just met just to prove my innocence?

Well, it wouldn't hurt.

Fine. Let's get it over with, then.

I believe it was the right shoulder.

So I hope this proves beyond doubt that I am not the Tornado.

We will have to leave you in peace.

He's already shown us his shoulders. There is no wound.

He did?

- The man is guilty. - There's no physical evidence.

Clouseau!

He removed his shirt twice, and there was no bullet hole.

Haven't you ever heard of cosmetic surgery?

Yes. Of course you have.

Clouseau Inspector, I even checked all the house's computers.

None of them are used to hack into the museum.

Still...

Clouseau, can't you see what's plain in front of you?

Your unrelenting stubbornness is maddening.

And I'm telling you I sense the presence of the Tornado in that house.

They don't know anything.

That blasted bullet wound. It's my mark.

One day they'll find me.

You're in no danger, Laurence.

This is all very strange.

I even know one of them.

You do?

- Which one? - You know me.

Isn't it obvious?

Inspector, excuse me.

Are you familiar with a Spanish restaurant here in Rome called La Plata de Nada?

Know it? I destroyed it.

I found this in a jammed paper shredder.

8:00 tonight. The grand re-opening of La Plata de Nada.

And I thought, "Why would Avellaneda...

"shred a simple reminder of a dinner appointment?"

Good work, Ponton.

- So what should we do? - Our jobs, Ponton.

We investigate, see who he's eating with. Perhaps the Tornado.

You go on ahead.

Ponton and I will get a taxi and do a little sightseeing.

This stakeout was a good idea, Ponton. Fortunately, I'm an expert lip-reader.

He's saying, "Never retune a wet piano."

Why is he saying that?

No, he is saying, "My wife will not be back in Italy until Sunday".

- No wonder he shredded the message. - What is all this?

Before they opened tonight, I snuck in...

found out which table he'd reserved, and planted a bug.

But how did you find out which table they would be seated at?

You rubbed your fingers together.

That is surprising.

What is she doing here with him?

I'm sorry, Inspector.

We've got to find out what they are saying.

Why?

We've got to move the bug from that table to that table.

- How? - Let me handle it.

Hello. Remember me?

Don't you come back.

What's wrong? You don't like this restaurant?

Oh, no. No, I have been here one time before.

It's very nice.