All language subtitles for Spinster.2019.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

Subtitles by explosiveskull
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I was visiting the beach

my grandmother used to take me
to as a child.

I had her beautiful locket on
around my neck.

Grand-dad had given it to her
before they were married,

when he knew she was the one.

When Grand-dad passed away,
she gave it to me and she said,

"I've lost the love of my life,

and now, it's time for you
to find yours."

That night, I realized that
the locket she had gifted me

no longer hung around my neck,

so I returned to the beach.

It was an impossible task.

I mean, the only light came
from this sky full of stars

and a glow from a grand house
on the shore.

I was on my hands and knees,

just sifting through grains
of sand, when...

take a deep breath...

A beautiful young man came
out of that grand house

on the shore to walk his dog.

He stopped right in front of me,
and just then,

I kid you not,

a shooting star lit up
the night sky

and illuminated my grandmother's
locket right under his feet!

And we want our special day
to reflect that magic.

A fairy tale should be
celebrated like a fairy tale!

Okay, you're young, so
I feel like I have to tell you

that there's no such thing
as a real-life fairy tale.

Obviously, I'm not under
the delusion

that I'm living
in an actual fairy tale!

But never underestimate
the power of romantic love.

Oh, I know, people love romance.

That's because everyone,
deep down,

wants nothing more
than someone to love.

It's the story of humanity!

I think you're skipping
a couple wars...

It is why Shakespeare ended all
of his comedies with a wedding.

Jane Austen, wedding.

It resonates
on this primal level.

It's weird, because marriage

started as a contract
of ownership,

and now, it's kind of evolved

into, at best,
gross consumerism,

and at worst, a tax cut.

Yeah, I just thought part
of your job

would be, like, in
generating enthusiasm,

So, I just thought that
as someone

who makes her living
from weddings, so...

Oh, I don't make my living
from weddings.

- Of course you do.
- Mm-mm.

You're a caterer.

Well, you're forgetting
funerals. People die every day.

I wanted to do business with you

because I'm friends
with your sister.

She's my half-sister.

I am not going to hire
a wedding caterer

who obviously has some issues
with her love life.

Ha!

I'm in a very serious,
loving relationship

built in love, not a contract,
or marriage hocus-pocus!

This could have been a big
contract for you.

Well, guess what, toots?

I have big contracts
coming out of my ass!

Whoop, there went one!

Whoop, oh, there's another one!

Nathan?

Babe?

What are you doing?
Where's our furniture?

You weren't trying to sneak out
before I got home, were you?

Gaby, I'm leaving.

Now?

We have dinner reservations.
I had to put my card down.

I told you I don't like
fancy restaurants.

It's my birthday!

Excuse me.

Don't you care about me?

Look, we're wrong
for each other.

I thought you were just going
to stay for a week or two,

but we've been sitting here
eating

and watching TV for months.

It's the golden age of
television!

I've gained weight,
I'm always getting sick.

People say I'm pale!

Well, we need to go
to couples therapy.

We just need a neutral
third party

to just take us by the hands...

No one goes to couples therapy
for a three-month relationship.

We have no kids,
no house, no cat.

Well, I wanted a dog.

So, get a dog.

You're free!

Get an alligator for all I care.

Wait a minute, you can't leave.

This is your fucking apartment!

And you can have it.

Where are you going?

You're gonna go stay with
your parents or something?

You'd go crazy.

Stay, stay!

Come on, stay.

I'm moving in with someone,
okay?

I've reunited with
an old girlfriend.

Did she find you on Facebook?

Oh, my God,
that is so pathetic.

We like board games.

Wow, so this whole time,

you've been sneaking around
behind my back

to play board games?

Oh, my God, you've actually done
the impossible.

You've managed to make
having an affair... lame.

So bitchy.

Well, you're so boring!

Look what you're carting around.

Okay, this is you.

I'm out of here.

Oh, Gaby.

You can't leave me, come on!

I'm doing both of us
a favour.

We had a terrible relationship.

"Have!" We have a terrible
relationship!

I mean, come on.

I know I'm mouthy,
and I'm irritable,

and I need to work on my core.

Look at me!

I'm a human being. Please!

Please, I have feelings, please!

Please, sir! Please!

Don't go.

I'm going to Sarah's.

Sarah?

Sarah! Sarah?

Wow!

Ugh, God.

I'm sorry I'm being
such a downer.

Thanks for the flowers, though.

I really liked them.

Good, I didn't think I'd get
to see you on your birthday.

Yay!

We were supposed to go to dinner
tonight, me and Nathan.

Would you want to come?

Oh, I would,

but like, this has been
planned for a long time.

Otherwise, I would have
cancelled,

and then, tonight, Jeremy and I
are going to see a show.

Mm, yeah, no worries,
no worries.

This is super fun.

It's helping me take my mind
off of stupid Nathan.

Well, to be honest with you,

it's a good thing you're not
with Nathan anymore,

because Nathan is a bit
of a drip.

He's like club soda.
All bubbles, no taste.

He was like club soda
no bubbles.

Why didn't you say anything
when I first started seeing him?

I thought you might have
a kid with him.

Yeah, I might have, I guess,

if it was the end times.

See? It all worked out
for the best, Gaby.

Listen, go try something on.

I am going to go make you
a cocktail.

Ew, no, no, no!

Go find your mom!

Amanda!

No, no, no!

He's touching all the cheese.

What are you,
like cheese police?

He's five.

It's not like he's contagious,
like he has typhoid.

Well, it's disgusting
for everyone here.

He just loves his cheese,
don't you, buddy?

Come on with Mommy.

There's some really
amazing stuff out there.

Is there?

Mm-hmm.

How old are your kids?

I don't have kids.

Why would you assume I have
kids? Not everyone has kids.

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't
make assumptions.

Well, no need to apologize.

I don't feel bad about it.

You know, I'm a business owner,

so I'm kind of more focused
on my career.

I'm a mom
and a hematologist.

Oh, cool.

So, I guess hematology
is one of those careers

where you can have kids.

My husband and I
make a great team.

We make it work.

And Amanda, you have
your photography.

Yeah, but photography
is a passion.

Having kids and practicing law
was too much.

Yeah, it's also that kids are
really bad for the environment.

So, it's kind of, I guess you
could say, an ethical thing.

Tiny feet, big footprint.

But there's ways
to reduce your footprint,

like this clothing swap!

So, let's get out there before
all the good stuff is gone!

And who knows?

Your kids could grow up to
create a source of green energy.

Or find the cure for cancer.

Or make peace
in the Middle East!

Or she could shoot up
her high school.

It's a grab bag.

Oh, Gaby.

I would be concerned
that down the road,

you might regret your choice,
and by then, it'll be too late.

Huh, feels like it could go
either way, though, right?

Like, you could have a kid
and then, be like, "Oh, shit!

I didn't really want to do
this."

And by then, it's definitely
too late.

But aren't you just terrified
that when you're old and alone,

no one will care about you.

Yes! Yeah.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Come on in.

♪ Happy birthday dear Gaby ♪

- Who is this person?
- Who is she?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, guys, thanks.

You're not the only two people
in the world.

God!

Uh...

Forget that?

Thank you.

Yeah.

Take care.

Hey, Dad.

Everything all right?

Great.

You grew a beard!

Oh, yeah, yeah.
A couple of months ago.

I've never seen you with
a beard, it's interesting.

It kind of makes you look
Satanic,

like a cult leader
or something.

Maybe that's what you're
going for, devilish.

So, how's business?

I'm doing a 50-year wedding
anniversary.

50, whoo, they got me beat!

I know,
they have us all beat.

Uh, I brought you
a birthday gift.

Oh, thank you.

Oh.

Do you like it?

- Yeah, that's great!
- Try it on.

Oh, gosh, no,
I've been cooking all day.

It's the right size,
I'm sure it'll fit.

Um, thank Julia
for choosing it for me.

I chose it myself.

Julia told me what colour
would look good with your hair,

but I chose it.

Hmm, well, I'm surprised.

So, did you have a good
birthday?

Yeah, it was great.
Amanda had a party.

How's...

Oh, gosh, why can't I
remember his name?

It's Nathan.
We broke up.

I'm sorry.

Well, it's not a big deal.

I've moved on,
don't worry about it.

You got a new boyfriend?

No, I've moved on like
emotionally.

It's minor,
it's not a big deal.

There's a lot of fun
in being single.

I've been there!

But there comes a time when
it's healthy to settle down.

Mm-hmm.

You know, not every woman
has to settle down.

We're not living in some dusty,
old bonnet novel.

It's not criticism,
it's concern.

It's like you act like
I'm going to be an old bag lady.

I never said anything like that.

I just want you to be happy.

Well, maybe I am happy.

I just came by to drop off
a birthday present.

Why am I the bad guy?

You're always disappointed
in me.

Worried, I worry.

I'm your dad,
that's what I do. Worry.

Well, don't, okay?

I have to deliver these.

Thanks so much for the gift.

Hey.

Hey!

Here you go.

Oh, a birthday beer!

Is this your birthday?

Are you fucking kidding me?

I thought you invited me here
for my birthday.

No, I did not.

God.

It's been four years
since Mom died,

and she was the only one
who gave a shit.

Really, I ruined your birthday?
I did that?

I have that much power?

Um, no, Nathan did, actually.

He broke up with me,
he dumped me.

Nathan.

I don't think I met him.

Of course you met Nathan.

We talked about wanting
to get a dog.

Oh, yeah, yeah!

So, you're not getting a dog?

Well, we just broke up,
right?

So, if you follow that train
of thought through,

why would we get a dog
together?

'Cause you're always breaking up
with somebody.

If you really wanted a dog,
you'd just get yourself a dog.

Well, I don't really feel like
I can get a dog right now

because what if I finally
meet someone,

and then, they don't like dogs,

or they have an allergy
or a phobia?

Yeah, Sheila got a dog.

You know it cost me $2000,
that thing?

I didn't even want it.

Then, I come home from work
and she'd make me walk the dog

so it could take its daily shit,

then it'd take the shit,
I got to clean it up.

I bet she loved watching that,

all part of her sick, sadistic
bullshit.

Why am I here?

Oh, look, I...

I want to offer you
an opportunity.

Spend a little more time
with your niece.

Why does this sound like
you're selling a timeshare?

No, look,

Sheila completely changed
the custody arrangements on me.

Now, I get Thursdays.

She took away my Tuesdays.

That was the time Adele and I
would go see a movie.

It was like our special thing,
you know?

So, just do it on Thursdays.

Oh, I'd love to,
but I can't.

You see, Sheila found out
through various sources

that Thursdays
are my open mic nights.

I think she knew that by
switching to Tuesdays,

she'd be fucking me over.

I think she's trying to block me

from doing my stand-up comedy
or something.

Stand-up?

Yeah, it's like she knows
how important it is to me

and she's just trying to...
fuckin' stick it to me.

Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

I didn't know you were
doing comedy. Stand-up comedy?

Yes, stand-up comedy!

What? Come on.

I don't want to be an accountant
for the rest of my life.

I mean, it pays the bills, yeah,

and the bills are pretty
freaking huge right now.

But I don't know, it doesn't
leave a lot of room

for the other
side of me, you know?

Right, the comedy side.

The very funny comedy side.

Hey, there's a lot of money
in stand-up comedy

if you know what you're doing.

There's probably a lot of money
in accounting, no?

I've been studying, all right?

Monologues from the
highest-grossing comedians

of all time,

and there's a real formula
to it.

If you look at the intervals
between jokes,

it's like they accelerate

and they decelerate in these
really striking patterns.

I don't know. I think it's
something you can get good at

if you're smart and
you pay attention, you know?

So, you're working to become
the opposite of naturally funny.

And you want me
to babysit Adele?

You're her aunt.

I thought you might like
the opportunity

to get to know her
a little better.

I mean, you hardly spend any
time with her, as it is.

Come on.

Fine, I'll babysit your daughter
that I barely know

'cause we don't ever hang out.

I appreciate it.

And happy freakin' birthday
to you.

Okay, I don't like beer,
something else you should know.

Guys! Oh, my God, look!

It's... it's... a girl!

Oh, a girl! A live one!

Why aren't you pixelated?

Please accept my
beautiful virginity.

Can I smell your hair?

Can I put your hair
in my mouth?

You read my text.

Activities for a 10-year-old!

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Why not?

I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Just search the web,
you fucking asshole!

God!

Why offer the feature?

So, everyone our age
has already been married.

They've had kids,
gotten divorced,

and I'm just still single.

I'm gonna be a spinster.

Gabby, I think as a society
we've progressed to the point

where we can forget the word
"spinster."

My great-aunt Elise
was a spinster.

She used to smoke two packs
of Camel filters

every single day of her life.

We got her a flame-proof
nightgown

every year for her birthday.

She died in her bathtub.

They found her body a week
later.

Well, it wasn't even a body.

It was like a gel,
at that point.

It was like a slurry...

Okay, enough.

I think they took her remains
out through the freight elevator

'cause they didn't want to upset

the other people in
the apartment.

Gaby, you're not going
to end up like that.

There's a lady living above me,
she's probably a spinster too.

So, I haven't heard any noise
up there in like a couple weeks.

She's probably dead.

She's probably just quiet.

Yeah, quiet as a ghost.

All right,
let's get you dating again.

You're probably right,
I should join a gym.

Start working out again,

I got fat as fuck with Nathan.

I just... I
don't want to date anymore.

I'm done, I'm sick of it.
It's hell.

Yeah, but man, embrace it.

There's a lot of married people,

uh, one I know very well,

who are jealous of your freedom.

You get to have all that...

..sex.

Yeah, I get to have a lot of
sex, great, whoopee.

Yay, I can have one-night stand
after one-night stand.

Okay, yeah, I want to hear what
you're saying, but...

Hurrah, but know what?
I'll tell you what.

There comes a night
when you're on your couch,

you just had a bourbon sour,

and you have some stranger's
dick in your mouth...

Ah, ha, ha, ha!

I'd full on rather be knitting.

I'm imagining yarns.

I feel like you need
to raise your standards.

Wait a minute,
you're the one who told me to

lower my standards;
that's how I met Nathan.

Well, I disagree with
my former self.

You need to tackle this
strategically,

accepting that you're
not gonna accept

the first guy who comes along.

Gaby, you need to choose, okay?
Not be chosen.

Fuck, I'm going to have
to go online.

No one's going to click
on a 39-year-old woman.

Dude, lie. Everybody lies on
dating profiles.

Duh!

Oh, after Willow's soccer ends,
there's adult softball.

Softball?
Wow, that sounds so cool.

Do you know any other hip
scenes?

Is there a chess league
I could join?

Oh, and point two, I have a very
attractive chiropractor.

I'm not stalking your
chiropractor.

I don't know if we're absolute
sure that he's single,

- but he's...
- Well, even worse.

And also, you know what?

Chiropractors can trigger
strokes in people, so...

That's just a myth.

Is it? Is it?

What he said.

I know you're gonna find someone
if you put your mind to it.

You just need some
encouragement.

Thanks.

That was more than a fart.

No!

Do you really even want to find
your forever relationship?

Yes, I guess.
I don't know, yeah.

Well, then it's do or die.

Argh!

Oh, come on!

Swing at it!

We want a pitcher,
not a belly itcher!

Get out here!

All right, my bad.
That's ball four.

Free ride to first base, babies!

Nice hit, all right,
all right, all right!

Hustle!

Over here!

Are you playing or what?

Sorry.

If you're in the game,
you're in the game.

Sorry, I wasn't paying
attention!

What's your name again?

Brandy.

Brandy, get to the bench!

My god, dude, it's just a game.

Just a game to you,

but not to this team.

Yeah, exactly.
It's a practice for a game.

It's not even a game.

You need to leave the field.

Leaving!

Yeah, real sportsman-like.

Yeah, that's right,
thanks a lot.

You suck, Brandy!

Give us back our shirt!

Cool, great!

Argh!

Oh, come on!

Oops, didn't see it!
My bad!

Nice, real nice.

And there and Namaste.

Karate!

Here, let me check your bag.

Hey, so what's on the agenda?

What have you got going on?

Well, I made a reservation
to go rock climbing.

Oh, rock climbing!

Adele, you hear that?

You like rock climbing?

I've never been
rock climbing before.

Oh, don't worry.

You guys are going to have
so much fun together.

You need me to drive you
someplace?

- Yeah.
- No, we're good.

I'll drive, you go.

I'm sure you got a lot
to prepare. Good luck!

Thanks. Okay, sweetie,

I'll talk to you when I get
home, okay?

- Okay.
- Okay, I love you.

- Love you, too.
- Be good.

Mm-hmm. Snail!

See ya, wish me luck.

Good luck!

So, we should go.

Okay.

That's it,
you're almost up there.

You're doing great, sweetie!

It's okay, you're on a rope.

Don't use your legs!

You know you don't have to do
this if you don't want to.

No, I like trying new things!

Okay, just know I wouldn't be
upset if you didn't.

But you've already paid!

It'll be fun.

All right, I'll be right here
if you need me, okay?

Okay.

That's it, yeah!
Grab that last one.

Nice job, honey.

No, don't get
scared, it's okay.

Bruce, Bruce, left hand, L2.

Ah, there you are, handsome.

Keep going, keep going.

It's okay if you fall.

All right.

Don't look down.

Just keep going.

Got it.

Bruce, left hand to L2.

Don't worry, honey.
You can come down anytime.

Good job!

You got this.

Don't be scared.

You got it, honey.

Keep going, keep going.

Adele, you okay?

I want to come down.

Okay, okay, come down,
come down.

Oh, there you go.

Why didn't you just tell me
you were scared of heights?

Because I need
to work on that.

It's all in my head.

Hmm, okay.

Well, what do you want
to do next week?

I don't know. I'm easy.

You want to go to a movie?

Okay!

But I kinda save those
for my dad.

He loves movies.

Okay, then we won't do that.

Why don't we do
what you like to do?

Me? What about you?

What do you like to do?

I don't know.
What do you like to do?

Um, hmm, I like...

Well, I knit.

I could teach you how
to knit if you'd like that.

I can knit my mom a sweater!

Grandma knit me a sweater.

Yeah, I think she knit all of us
that same sweater.

I put it on my stuffie.

So I can remember her.

All right, well,
let's make this our goal.

We're gonna teach you how
to knit.

We'll start on a scarf.

That's what people usually
start on.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- All right.

All right, well, I should get
you back to your dad.

Um, excuse me?

Sorry, hi.

So sorry to meet you
this way.

I'm your neighbour, Callie.

Hi, I'm Gaby.

Yeah, hi.
You're new here, right?

Relatively new?

Couple months.

Well, welcome.

Good neighbourhood,
I've been here for 34 years.

Cool.

Um, I don't want to keep you.

I have come down
with this awful cold,

and I cannot get rid
of this headache.

Doesn't sound good.

Well, that's what I get

for going out without my hat.

Um, would you possibly have
any Advil that I could borrow?

I could go to the store,

but, oh, I just feel so rotten.

I think I actually do.

Oh!

You are a lifesaver,
thank you.

You should come around
and chat sometime.

Totally, totally.

You know where I am.
Bye!

Wow, yeah!

Better?

Yeah, that released things.

Tensions, yeah.

On your back.

Yep.

Your left leg's longer
than your right by quite a bit.

Oh, cool.

Can I get you to scoot
on your side for me, please?

I was so happy I could get
an appointment in the evening.

Do you work a lot of evenings?

Most of my clients
have day jobs,

so unfortunately, I have to put
in three nights a week.

Mm, evenings are tough.

You know, it's a big sacrifice
for your family, I bet.

That's what you sign up for.

Yeah, I know how it goes,
actually.

I'm a caterer, so I work
all kinds of odd hours.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Wow!

We're both small business
owners, kind of cool.

Just breathe normally.

Did you get out of the city
for the summer?

Family cottage or something?

I'm not a cottage guy.

Me neither.

It's like you sit on a dock,
you drink, you get sunburned.

You're not even allowed
to flush the toilets.

Like, how fun is that?

Oh, boy!

How's that feel?

Oh, you're good, yeah.

My shoulders, they feel kind of
loose and jiggly.

You should feel it
in your feet.

I can't feel my feet.

I'm kidding.

My feet feel really flexible,
wow.

Is that mug from your wife?

My mother.

Mm, mm.

All right, then.

I'd like to see you
next week.

Me too, yeah.

The doctor would like to see you

for a series of 12 appointments.

Single treatments are less
cost-effective

than bundles of five.

Yeah... okay.

Listen, before we book
all of these,

I just want to ask you
point-blank just because...

just because I will!

Um, is the doctor single?

No, he's married.

To me.

Hmm.

We take debit or credit.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

That was really good food.

Thanks, yeah.

Remember Mom's turkey?

She got every ounce of moisture
out of it.

It was like turkey jerky.

Maybe she hated cooking

'cause she was too busy working

while Dad was running around
with your kindergarten teacher.

Nah, she was a drunk.

She was an alcoholic.

It's a disease,
don't you know?

Right, well,
you always defend her

because you guys had
a good relationship.

She never even touched me.

Yeah, well, she wasn't really
a very touchy person.

All I know is I'm glad
we're not having to celebrate

fake Christmas with Dad anymore.

Oh, my God,
I hated fake Christmas.

But you know, I understand
why he did it.

I do the same thing
with Adele.

No, it was just so depressing

pretending Christmas
was the week before

so Dad could celebrate real
Christmas in the Caribbean.

Yeah, maybe Dad would have felt
guilty if we left Mom alone.

Yeah, he should feel guilty.

I mean, Julia never wanted us
around.

I still have a lot
of anger towards him

for leaving us and
starting a new family.

It's just like, I don't know,
it fucked me up.

Yeah, you really got
to work on that.

Oh!

You shave everything
from the neck down.

Wow, does that really cut down
on wind resistance that much?

Well, I think most women
would find it peculiar

to call you "Sir Gawain."

I don't know, why am I single?
You tell me.

You're right,
I'm not a fashion expert.

Maybe ascots will make
a comeback. Who knows?

But why would a bunch of Jews
want to run the Vatican?

I'll be honest, I guess I never
really listen to Rush.

Excuse me.

I mean, I can't find someone

to meet my high standards
or my low standards.

It can't be that bad.

It is. You haven't been
single for 20 years.

Finding love isn't magic,
it's hard work.

What if you do that hard work,

and then, you still don't
find someone?

Well,

that's statistically unlikely.

Okay, but that doesn't mean
it's not possible.

You could be searching
your whole thirties,

and still nothing.

Yeah, it's possible.
Anything's possible.

Being struck by lightning
is possible.

Exactly, that's realistic.

Is it guaranteed someone
will want to marry you?

No, it's not guaranteed,
sweetheart,

but it usually happens
for most people.

What about for a serial killer?

Yeah, lots of serial killers
are married.

Oh.

Hmm, that's cool for serial
killers, that's good.

You haven't found the right one
till you found the right one.

Are you done with this?

Sure.

Thanks, Mom.

How's the wine?

It's good, yum.
It's really good.

Cool, cool.

So, you're... 29?

Yep, I'm a 29-year-old
Olympic long-jumper from Sweden.

Olympic long-jumper?

You speak Swedish, I guess?

Yep.

Look, you wrote an amazing
profile,

and you're rocking the shit
out of the performance of it

for me right now.

Performance, yeah,
thank you.

Uh, so, why?
You know, why the lie?

It's an algorithm.

Right, I just checked
a couple extra boxes,

put a little of this,
little of that.

I'm just trying to rope in
the numbers.

That's where you thrive
is high numbers.

But you know,

say this hypothetically
was actually going well,

eventually we'd have to tell
one another the truth, right?

I mean, what then?

By then, we'd already be
madly in love.

No, listen,
it's not gonna go well.

I know it's not.

These things never go well,
that's just how it goes.

So, why play the game?

We're all playing the game,
right?

Just, I don't know, I want to
have someone to kiss,

maybe someone to hug, fuck,

I don't know,
have breakfast with.

If I die, they could throw
a little dirt on my grave.

Wow, that got dark.

Well, listen, I don't know,

this is insane that we're here

to have dinner on Valentine's
Day, first time, first date.

We shouldn't have done this.

How about I pay for the meal,
and you just take off?

I'll keep the leftovers.

No, no, no, don't, please.
Come on, stick around.

- It's fine.
- Stick around, please.

Please finish the drink,
something. Really?

Please, just release me.

What about if I call this guy?

Hail Mary play.

Oh, my God.

Gaby, will you accept this rose?

It would be my great honour.

Thank you!

Whoo!

I'm glad this happened.

Me too.

So, I guess Valentine's Day

didn't turn out as badly
as we thought, huh?

Oh.

Oh, my God!

It's 2 o'clock in the morning.

Oh, we should sleep!

I should really go?

You can stay
if you want.

Uh, I don't know about you,

but I got to work
in the morning.

I mean, I can set an alarm

and drive you home
in the morning, if you want.

Yeah, you think you're actually
going to be, um, sober by then?

I'm, like, practically
sober right now.

I should probably really
actually get to the gym,

so, um, I'm going to take
a pass.

Mm.

Uh, good luck with this
whole dating thing.

Yeah.

It really can be a bitch.

Yeah.

So, um...

Um...

Take care.

You too, man.

Good luck
and, um, Godspeed.

Oh, my goodness.

Hi! Hi, puppy.

Hey, pup.

Hi.

Whoa!

Hi.

Hey.

Oh, my goodness! Who is this?

This is my new used dog,
Trudy.

Oh, Trudy!
She's beautiful.

You two look great
together.

Thank you.

Listen, uh, I wanted
to invite you to a party

that I'm having next week
with a few friends.

Thursday night?

Oh, rats.

Thursdays I'm with my niece.

Bring her along.

Yeah, she's...

she's kind of a planner,

so I'll see what she has
organized.

Okay, well, we all love
children,

so I hope you two
can make it.

Bye, Trudy! Bye!

Thanks, take care.

Trudy, you devil.

Make yourself at home.

I know, I'm getting a couch
delivered tomorrow.

Ah, thought you'd gone
minimalist.

That's a thing now.

Oh, heh!

She's a beauty.

Isn't she?

And she's also got
the sweetest disposition.

Remember Whiskey?
He was a good dog.

He was a leg humper.

Do you not remember that time
with Grandpa?

Oh, hard to forget.

I tried!

I-I came here...

Oh, I don't want you
to take this the wrong way.

What?

I was thinking about you,

and your brother and sister.

And it occurred to me

that since I paid for both
of their weddings,

and I want to treat
all my kids equally,

it's not fair to you

if maybe you were to make
a decision in your life

that maybe a wedding
wasn't in your future,

for whatever reason

Yeah, I'm really not
that interested

in conventional bullshit.

And I support you.

Julia supports your decision,
too.

Cool, yeah, cool.

I don't really care
what Julia thinks.

It's your life,
but I want to be fair

and I want to give you the same
as I gave Artemesia and Alex.

Okay, well, you gave her
Grandma's wedding ring,

and I'm pretty sure
there's only one of those.

She was the first granddaughter
to get married.

It doesn't matter.

You don't have to get married
to have a wedding ring.

That's what was in the will.
I'm just following her wishes.

I'm in a no-win situation.

She doesn't even remember
Grandma, okay? I do!

Grandma taught me how to bake.

She didn't have a lot of
jewelry.

I don't have anything
to give you.

Well, I have a Bundt pan.

Look, I...

And a muffin pan.

Actually, I have two
muffin pans.

I came here,
as I was saying,

to give you some money,

so you could, I don't know,

put a down-payment on a house
if you want,

or put it away
for retirement.

Oh, wow.

It's your decision.

Well, I always wanted
to open a restaurant.

Most restaurants don't last
more than a year.

It's a risky enterprise.

So are weddings.

You're telling me!

Think on it.
It's a lot of money.

All right, well,
it's really nice of you.

You didn't have to do that.

I want to be fair.

It's $25,000.

Okay, her wedding was
no less than 40.

I'm in the business, Dad.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

But you know what she's like.

She got a lot of deals
and discounts.

Mm-hmm, like on catering.

Like on catering.

Can I teach her to play dead?

Eh. She's a little old.
It might hurt her feelings.

Okay, well then,
how 'bout Frisbee?

Yeah, Frisbee, sure.
That's easy.

I wish I could get a dog.

You have a gecko.

I left the window open and
the next morning, it was dead.

Oh my God.

Things are brutal
in your house.

Yep.

Hmm...

Interesting.

What?

Very interesting.

Well, I'm thinking
about opening up a restaurant,

and this place
looks really good.

You have to do it.
That'd be so fun.

Well, I'm just
thinking about it.

I still have the catering
company and... I don't know.

Aren't you gonna add
the number to your contacts?

All right.

Got it.

Got it.

I don't think I've ever
been in this neighbourhood, ever.

Yeah, I know. It's really nice.

So, what do you think?

Sick.

Now that you've
finished your scarf,

you've graduated
to a hat.

You could choose
any colour that you like.

What do you think?

Uh, I think you're the one
who's gonna be knitting it

and wearing it,

so you should choose
a colour that you just love.

You're the expert knitter here,

so... you know what
I should get.

Okay. All right.
Hmm... hmm.

Here you go,
this is your colour.

It's... perfect.

Really? It's perfect?

Are you feeling how itchy
that is for a hat?

And you can not tell me
you like this colour

more than all the
other colours.

You don't really like it and you
should be able to tell me that.

It's not a big deal. It's okay.

I like it,
but now that you mention it,

I'm open to other choices.

Okay. You should be.

You shouldn't pick my
favourite colour, right?

You should pick yours.

You don't have
to make me happy,

or your dad or mom,
for that matter.

I know that.

Yeah. So, don't choose
that ugly-ass wool, right?

Choose one that you like.

That was totally suckfish wool.

It was.

Hmm...

This one.

I don't really
like that one, though.

- Okay.
- I'm kidding!

That's great.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Oh, my lawyer,
he got me Tuesday nights back,

in exchange for the entire
Easter Weekend, but hey...

So, when am I on?

Oh, we're good.

You don't have
to sub in anymore.

Oh, but I'm teaching
Adele how to knit a hat.

We already bought the wool.

I don't know. Well,
you guys can still hang out, obviously.

I just don't need you
every single week.

But I love it.

I'm sure you do.

Everyone loves hanging
out with Adele...

that's why I'm
always in court.

Well, she wanted to
play Frisbee with Trudy

and we haven't done that yet.

Who's Trudy?

Oh, right. I got a dog...

something you would know if you
gave a shit about my life,

which you clearly don't.

Something you might
want to think about here...

the whole world does
not revolve around you.

I know, I know. It's cause it's
busy revolving around you.

What about me?
I think it would be fair

if somebody asked me
what I want to do.

Well, of course, sweetie.
I'm only thinking about you.

I got us our movie nights back,
just like before.

Okay. But I also want
a time with Gaby.

Well, sweetie,
you've got school and tutoring

and whatever else
your mother's got you in,

and with the way
we've got to split time,

I'm sorry, it's
not that flexible, okay?

I don't have a lot of options
to work with on this.

Well, you and Mom are
going to have to make it work.

I never ask you for anything.

Well, I got you the gecko.

It died.

Oh, okay, okay.

I'll work
something out, okay?

I'll talk to Gaby
and we'll do something.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm wide open.

Okay. You got your bag?

- Let's go.
- Yeah.

I'll be in touch.

Oh, hey, Gaby.
Oh, I'm so glad you came.

Where's your niece?

Oh, um, my brother
took her home. Yeah.

Oh, that's too bad.
Well, I'm glad you're here.

Hey, everybody, this is Gaby,

and somebody get her
a goddamn drink.

Yeah, I know,
I've got way too much crap,

but, ah, I love it all.

This is cool.

Oh, that has a curse on it.

Kidding.

Where did you get all
these different things?

Oh, you know,
I'm a field biologist,

so I'm always up to my neck

in some fucking
rainforest or another,

and I always mean
to deal with this,

but then I come home
and add more to it,

and I just can't seem
to get it organized.

This crew is a very
high maintenance bunch.

She means
her students.

Especially the PhDs.

You'd retire if you
didn't love us so much.

Maybe I will.

You always say that.

And you, the fish people...

Oh, please. If I have to
hear about the superiority

of bird eggs to
fish eggs one more time...

It is a false comparison.

Hatching ratios...

Girls, girls,
girls, girls, girls,

maybe not that fascinating

to our new and
very special guest.

No, no. Please, don't stop
on my account.

This is...
this is interesting.

I'm sure it is, yeah.

Continue!

Okay.

Hey, hey, hey,
give me that.

I'll take care of it.
You're my guest.

I'm a caterer;
we clear dishes constantly.

No.

Here.

Thanks.

Your students were telling
me some pretty crazy stories.

Oh, yeah.

Well, life in
a research station's

like being at a summer camp;
we have a lot of fun.

Can I ask a
kind of weird question

and you don't have to answer?

Yeah.

Did you ever want kids?

Do you mean do I regret
not having kids?

Sure.

How old are you?

39.

Ah, yes,
I remember my thirties...

a lot of my colleagues
leaving the field,

scrambling to find
somebody to have babies with.

It was hard to watch.

They were all feeling

the pressure of
the biological clock.

But you didn't feel it?

You know, a big part of me
really wanted to have kids.

I love kids.

But I guess an even
bigger part of me

wanted something different,
wanted this.

And, you know, there comes a
time when you gotta say,

"Fuck it.

"I'm breaking the mould.

"I'm taking the road
less travelled.

"And everybody else,

"they should mind their
own goddamn business."

Yeah. My thing is I don't know
what road I want to travel.

Find what works for you.

I mean, we women,
we don't all want the same thing

or need the same thing.

It's just an insult
to say that we do.

There's nothing wrong
with you, Gaby.

I'm very proud of Alex.
I'm proud of all of my kids.

He's got a lot going for him,

but I've never thought
of him as... funny.

Even when he was a kid,
he was serious, intense.

I mean, he wasn't
funny in school.

I don't think I've
ever heard him tell a joke.

You were funny.

Well, I had to be;
I was weird looking.

You were a beautiful child.

Funny was just the
icing on the cake.

That's nice, you coming tonight
and supporting your brother.

Well, we really don't
have a relationship, but...

Oh, you have
a relationship, all right.

Not an easy one, hmm?

People are difficult.

That's the right amount.

You'll be able to start

the nicest little
restaurant in town.

Thank you.

I mean it... thank you.

Hey.

Yeah, all right.
Hello, everybody.

Nice to be here with you.

Ahh, a little bit about me...
my wife... oh, my wife...

after vowing the whole better or
worse, sickness or health thing,

when ahead and left me.

Yeah, and not even
for another guy.

Nope.
Not for another girl. No, no.

She left me for no one.

That's right, folks,

she would rather be with no one
than be with yours truly.

So, uh, yeah.

I got a lot of
friends telling me

that maybe I should
start doing therapy, right?

Take more vitamins.

Do yoga.
That's a big one, huh? Yoga,

like that's gonna help.
But I do it.

You know, I do the downward dog,

I do the crane,
I do the whole thing.

But, jeez, I'm real bad at it,
folks, I'll tell ya. Just awful.

Just this lanky pile of goo

and, uh...

I, uh...

Sorry. I, uh...

I guess I just
fall apart sometimes,

you know, and, uh...

I don't know about
dating these days, though.

I'll tell ya,
I am getting a lot older.

Things have changed.

Let's just say two
and a half decades ago,

when I was on the market,
hairy balls... no problem.

- Eww.
- But I'll tell ya, jeez,

these girls these days
that I'm dating,

they're like,
"Oh my God, you gotta shave."

Shave? You want me
to shave my balls?

Fuck that, folks.

I'm 45 years old.
I'll suck my own dick,

and I can... I do yoga.

It's okay, you can clap.
Thank you. Thank you.

So, it's, uh...
a few other things.

I guess, the in-laws...

Jeez, I hope that
wasn't too awkward.

Awkward? What do you think?
I was sitting with Dad.

Oh my God. I know.

Did he laugh at,
like, any of the jokes?

I don't know.
I was trying not to look at him.

I was avoiding all
eye contact the whole time.

Yeah. Fair.
What'd you think?

Was I funny?

I mean, compared
to the other comedians,

yes, you were a genius.

Yeah?

What part you like best?

Um...

the camping stuff with
your in-laws, I guess.

Yeah?

Hey, I made a lot of
that up, you know,

just for, like,
comedic effect.

Mm-hmm. Well, it was funny.

Yeah.

Oh, maybe I'll call Dad,
see what he thought.

Okay, well, before you call Dad,
um, you know, just know,

no matter what he says, like,

took a lot of...
dare I say... balls

to get up there and do that,

and even if you never
do stand-up again...

which I suggest you don't...

...you should be
proud of yourself.

Well, thank you very much.
I appreciate that.

But this is not going to be
the last time I do stand-up.

It should be.

If that's the last thing
I ever do, I'll kill myself.

That was rough.

Hang on.

Hey, Gaby. What's up?

Okay.

I just had to tell someone,

I just signed the lease
on my restaurant.

No way.

That's so exciting!

Yeah. Yeah.
I'm pretty happy.

That's amazing!

Thanks.

Wow. Congratulations!

Thanks.

Oh, do you want
to come in?

Oh, no. You're busy.

No, it's just a few
neighbourhood people

dropped by for some dinner.

Oh. God, it looks
more formal than that.

Um, no, I should go.

No, don't be silly. Listen,
Jeremy hates these things.

He always says there's
too much drama.

You could help me
keep it civil.

Cheers.

Gaby just signed the lease
on her new restaurant.

I just spontaneously popped by.

Congratulations.

There are so many good
restaurants in the city.

Yeah, I just bought
an Argentinean wood grill.

It's five feet long, so the
party's at our place next time.

I wish we could
cook like that.

We're in the Goldfish,

chicken nuggets phase
for a few more years.

You're a restauranteur...
you're gonna appreciate this.

Oh, yeah. Nice.

It's the bomb.

Before I went to med school,

I always dreamed
of opening a restaurant.

Oh, you don't want a restaurant.

That's typically high risk,

low reward.
You're never with your family.

I guess that's the advantage
of being single.

You're single?

That's ridiculous.

There must be someone in
my firm I can set you up with.

Oh, no, please.
I'm single by choice, so...

- Really?
- Yeah.

Nobody's single by choice.

Well, I am,

and that's actually a lot
of benefits to it.

Being single
was a lot of fun.

Yeah. You know,
I can leave my apartment,

and I come back,
and it's exactly how I left it.

I could fly off to Paris
at the drop of a hat. You know?

And get a dog,
which I did. She's awesome.

But what if you
met the perfect guy?

There is no perfect guy.

So, you don't want kids?

Uh, you don't have to be in a
relationship to have kids now.

There's all kinds of ways
people do it. But no, I don't.

Yeah, I think it's very selfish.

Wouldn't you be more selfish

for wanting a little
replica of yourself?

Well, some of us have to be
the adults in the room,

some of us have to grow up.

I mean, who do you think's
gonna pay for your pension?

There's a rhetorical question.
It's my kids.

Well, we have four kids.

One of them can
pay for Gaby.

Well,
what happens when she turns 80?

Stop.

Who's gonna take care of her?

Your mother lives
in a nursing home.

Well, that's because
it works for her.

There's activities there.

She must be grateful.

I'm not really planning
my life for my eighties because,

you know, who knows if any of us
are even gonna make it that far.

80's the new 65.

We'll be half titanium and
still taking spin class.

Okay, let's move on.
Who wants dessert?

- Yes.
- Yes.

Let's move on. We should.

Listen, all I'm
saying is it's fun now,

but when you get older,
people aren't as receptive.

You're not gonna be as...

attractive as you are right now.

You can't handle
a threat to the patriarchy.

If this is the patriarchy...

If?

Yeah, if this is a patriarchy,

Amanda, it's working
out pretty well for you. Huh?

With your "photography."

Being a stay-at-home
mom is a choice.

Sorry,
are we talking about me now?

I am more than
a stay-at-home mom.

Yeah, she's an artist, Blair.

All I'm saying is
you're going to have regrets,

big regrets. Trust me.

Trust you?
Sorry, who the fuck are you?

Who the fuck are you?

Sorry I ruined your party.

He ruined it.

It was lively.

So, are you a
committed single now?

No. I mean, it was bullshit.

I just said it 'cause why should
I have to defend my life

to a table of strangers?

I guess.

You were pretty badass,
going a women's studies on him.

Shit. People are dicks
to single women.

Well, I shouldn't have come.

Don't be silly.
It's my house.

Well, it was a couples party.

It was a drop-in.

Okay, but everyone
was very dressed up.

I didn't think
you'd want to come.

It's so boring.

I was at a dinner party
where we discussed

the toxicity of
fabric softener for 20 minutes.

I'm not even exaggerating.
20 minutes.

Well, it is shockingly toxic.

It's terrible.

Yeah, I don't know.
I just kind of thought...

maybe you didn't want
to be friends anymore.

Gaby...

Well, we only hang out

when you're driving your kids
somewhere or doing housework.

That's my job.

Yeah, well, I don't know,

I need some element of
friendship out of a friendship.

There were times when I was
stuck inside a house

with a kid, so bored, so lonely,

and were always off
with some guy, right?

Hmm. Um, well, I'm sorry.

I had no idea you felt that way.

I miss how it used to be.

I miss it, too.

What's
cookin', good lookin'?

Did she used to
say that to you?

Yeah, and then, make
me cinnamon toast.

Oh, her cinnamon toast,
so good.

She used to broil it twice,

but I could never
get it that good.

I miss it.

I loved playing
backgammon with her.

She cheated every
single time,

but I could never
catch her at it.

I like how she pulled her hair
up so high in the front.

Because she thought it
made her look taller.

You must really
miss grandma.

She was your mom.

When you die,

I'll keep
your grave clean.

I promise.

You're the best.

I want it to be quality,

but just not fussy,

not trying too hard, like a lot
of these restaurants we have.

Uh, like, if there's
a good sauce,

let's not do one dot of it
or a drizzle, you know?

Let's have a good amount.

Yeah. I work at one of those

dots and drizzle
places right now,

and I can tell you, they
throw out a lot of food.

Yeah, well, I worked
in catering for years.

We'd waste so much food.

Do a lot of weddings?

Ugh, hundreds.

It's just salmon, chicken,
salmon, chicken. Ugh.

Your occasional
beef tenderloin.

Exactly.

Yeah. So, we're
not gonna do that.

No. Please, no.

What's the vibe here
gonna be like?

Oh, I want it to be
just welcoming.

You sit alone at the bar,
or you bring your family,

you're on a date, you know.

Just a fun,
happy home feeling.

I'd totally be
on board with that.

Yeah.

You know, I could put
together a solid crew.

All right.
You're all I've got.

Hey, is this the old...

All right.

...couch?

No, I got a new one.

Oh. It's nice.

The place looks great.

Well, thank you. Yeah.

Come on, girl.

So, what do you
want to do?

God, I don't know.
We have all night.

What did we used to do?

Take 'shrooms.

Mm. Should we?
I totally would.

I'd fuckin' love to.

Oh my God. I know a guy
who can get 'em, too.

Ahh. I can't.

No, it's crazy.
Why would I suggest that?

Yeah. I was going to make
us dark and stormys.

I'm actually working
on my ginger beer,

perfecting it
for the restaurant.

Uh, is this
going to be a thing,

you testing your
food out on me?

Because I am in.
I'll never decline.

Yeah. These are my
plantain chips

that I'm gonna serve.

Mmm.

You know what
I would love to do?

Besides, like,
eat everything that you make.

Um, as long as it doesn't
involve board games...

which are a trigger
for me now... I'm down.

Okay. Um, I would just
love to just have a long,

uninterrupted conversation.

Mmm. Heaven. Yes.

And not talk about my kids.

Okay, but also, I don't
want to talk about men.

Okay.

And not talk about,
like, getting older.

Yeah, which is... honestly,
it's just living longer.

Why is that something
to complain about?

I know. It's basically
just not dying.

It's a triumph.

It totally is.

It's so silly.
Cheers, girl.

Yeah.

To being elderly.

Wow. Look at this.

Hey!

Hey!

Did you hear that?
Am I crazy?

Hey!

Hello?

Hey.

Oh my God.
Are you okay?

Thank God you're here.

Here.

Thank you.

The Swiss really know
their chocolate. It's good.

Mm-hmm.

I hope I didn't
ruin your plans.

Oh, God, we were just
wandering around,

chasing chipmunks.

I mean, it wasn't
really a plan.

I-I don't know what happened.

I'm usually, you know,
pretty competent.

Well, there's a reason
there's an expression

"lost in the woods"...

it all just starts to look
the same after awhile.

Oh, God,
especially at night.

It was just trees,
trees and trees.

I couldn't even see the
stars because of the trees.

Then again, I don't know the
first thing about stars,

so I don't think it
would have helped.

Hmm. Your teeth stopped
chattering, that's good.

Yeah.

Thank you for the food,

the clothes, the coffee.

You are so prepared.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm always worried
about the worst case scenario,

so I pack for ten weeks
to do, like, an hour hike.

Well, I mean, I was only
going out for two hours,

and I was sure I was
on the path to the coast.

It was a beautiful day, so I
didn't take any warm clothes,

but last night
was so freezing.

I-I-I actually, you know,
buried myself in leaves,

just to try to stay warm.

Yeah. God,
that sounds terrible.

Yeah. I took my phone,
I was going to use my GPS,

but my phone died.

God, I have a phone.

You must have
someone you want to call

or people that are
worried about you.

No, actually. No.

I didn't... I didn't
tell anyone I was leaving,

so if I hadn't seen you, this
might have ended up a lot worse.

You would have died,
so I guess I saved your life.

Maybe.

- Yeah.
- Maybe, yes.

Thank God for you.

Thank God.

Well, you know,
me and Trudy were actually

going to do that coastal hike,
if you want to go.

It's beautiful.

Gosh, um...

Well, I... I think I should,
you know, get back to my car.

Mm. Yeah.

I mean, you can just point
me in the right direction.

No, I'll take you down.

Please, I saved your life,

I can't, like, lose you on the
way to the parking lot.

I'll show you where it is.

What do you do

when you're not rescuing
people with your dog...?

Trudy.

Yeah, with Trudy.

Um, I have a restaurant.

Really?

Well, not yet.

It's opening this summer,
so, soon.

Oh, congratulations.

Thank you.

Yeah, that's amazing.

I'm a bit of a foodie, myself.

Yeah?

I guess.
Well, I like food.

What's your ideal restaurant?

Actually, you know,
my favourite place is totally...

well, I don't know.

I don't think you'd
find it very impressive.

It's not... you know, it's not
innovative or anything.

Like, quite the opposite.

But you know what?
Maybe I'm not a foodie.

I don't know.

But, you know,
I don't cook very well,

so I like food that
feels homemade.

You know, nothing fancy.

I don't need all that
saucings, and dustings and...

Yeah. Well, that's
kind of what I want to do.

I don't want, like,
photogenic food.

I want, like, basic,
honest food that tastes good,

on a plate, that's it.

Well, yeah, sounds great.

So, this is the fastest
way back to the parking lot.

Huh. And, uh,
what's that way?

No, that's the coastal trail.

Oh.

Well, I-I actually feel, uh...
I actually feel a lot better.

Really?

Yeah. Energized.

Yeah, I'll... I don't know.
I'll do the coast.

Are you sure?

Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah. Lead on.

All right. Let's go.

Come on, girl. Come.

You see any
bears last night?

No.

That's a real issue
in this area, actually.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

I didn't know. I mean,
glad I didn't know last night.

Yep. There's a mama bear
and her cubs

and she's just real aggressive.

What was it? About two, three
weeks ago, she got a hiker.

Really?

Yeah, she did.

She ate his arm
from the elbow down,

like a chicken wing.

And they found him in the
morning, he bled out,

she left him for dead,
he sitting there,

his eyes are open,
just staring at his elbow.

Oh my God. That's... I didn't
know bears did that.

I thought they usually,
you know, went for the throat.

Yeah, I guess every
bear's different, you know?

Every bear's
probably different.

Oh, that is... I mean,
that's terrifying.

Yeah.

And I also forgot
my bear spray.

Oh, you... I mean, you know,
I don't have bear spray.

Of course you don't.

Well... well, look,

maybe I should... I should
walk in front, you know?

- Just to... just to be safe.
- Thank you. Thank you.

Because they usually...
I mean, they usually attack...

from the back!

Come on. What are you doing
messing with me?

What? You think
I don't know bears?

Well, you brought nothing into
the wilderness to survive,

so I gave it a gamble.

Also, I did save your life,
thus saving your life.

Yeah, true.
Whoa! A porcupine!

Do not! Oh...

That is my biggest fear!

I'm so scared one is gonna
quill Trudy all over her face,

I'm gonna have
to pull it out. Come on.

Come on, Trudy.

Maybe I should get a dog.

Definitely.
They're awesome.

They're so glad
when you come home

and they get you outside
of the house more. I love it.

Yeah, and it's good company.

Yeah, that too.

God, I hate Sunday nights...

my kids leave and it's
just me and the Netflix.

Isn't that weird?
'Cause that's something

you probably would
have enjoyed before,

but now it's about
the absence of someone.

That's what
I hate about break-ups,

it's like they
ruin your solitude.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what happened
when my wife and I split up.

I mean, I don't know,
everything just got quiet.

I get that, yeah.

Beautiful here.

It really is.

Thanks for bringing me.

It was my pleasure.

Kind of glad my phone died.

I feel like we should
just kiss a little bit.

Okay.

I'd like to do that.

Oh, look at that!

Oh, man, I could never
live away from the ocean...

that sound, that smell.

Oh, me neither.
It just wouldn't feel right.

Do you sail?

Uh, kite surfer.
Well, aspiring kite surfer.

Really? I've never attempted it,

but I'm pretty sure if I did,
it would end in disaster.

Well, you should
check it out sometime.

Not that I'm going to do that,
but where do you go?

Squamish.

Squamish?

I've lived here my whole life,

only Squamish I know is
thousands of miles away in BC.

Well, I... you know,
I live in Vancouver.

Oh...

Okay, the other ocean.

Yeah.
I'm just here for work.

I fly out tomorrow
and I'm, you know,

not sure when
I'm gonna be back.

Well, you'll be happy
to see your kids.

Yeah. It's hard being
away from them.

How old are they?

Uh, Matty is eight
and Stella's four.

That kind of makes
it hard to get out.

Oh, yeah. So, you're,
like, on the market, but...

Well, before an hour ago,

I didn't really consider
myself on the market.

Hmm. You're market fresh.

In restaurant terms, yes.

This is me.

Really?

It's...
it's the only thing they had.

Wow. Well,
that's me over there.

Um, I was going to
ask you for your number,

so I could put it in my phone,
but my phone is dead.

So, I thought
I could give you mine.

Have I misread something?

Oh, no. Uh-uh, no.
You haven't misread things.

Um, you just live so far.

There are planes.

There are.

You can drive.

Yeah, I could drive
across a continent.

It's a full continent.

Podcasts.

It's not even that.
It's just that...

I finally kind of
got my shit together.

You seem very together.

Thank you.

And I just don't want to
mess it up right now.

Like, my life's kind of perfect.
Not that you were asking.

And I wouldn't ask you to.

And plus, you deserve

more than just like
a long distance booty call.

This is so tragic.

Yeah.

But it's kind of cool.

It's like we had an awesome day,

the perfect relationship...
like, we didn't fight,

no one was nagging anyone,
we didn't get bored.

No trying to convince you
to learn how to ski.

I actually don't mind skiing.

- Oh, you don't.
- Uh-uh.

I hate golf.
Do you golf?

No. I think it's stupid.

It is. I don't really
like peanut butter.

I love it, but Matty's allergic,
so it's never in the house.

Okay, okay.

Uh, when I like a song, I do
play it on repeat all day long.

That would drive me crazy.

Yeah, you couldn't
live with that.

No, I couldn't live
with that.

That would be the end of us.

Yeah, so,
guess it all worked out.

Yeah.

All right.

There's a lot of people
out there already.

Oh, shit.

Isn't that a good thing?

Yeah, it is.

That's a beautiful cake.

Did you make it?

I did, yeah.

Are the flowers real?

Here.

Mmm. Yum.

That's sugar...
your favourite.

Guys, ahh, ladies, gentlemen,
friends, and foes...

there's some of you
I don't like that much,

but you were a plus one.

Um, no. I'm terrible at
speeches, clearly.

But I did want
to just take one moment

to say thank you for
supporting this dream of mine

and for being here tonight

to celebrate with me. Cheers!

Cheers!

Thank you and thank you.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

♪ ...to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Gaby ♪

♪ Happy birthday ♪

♪ To you ♪

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