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When there is a revolver

pointed at your heart, you pray it jams.

It won't. But you fucking pray anyway.

Socrates said death is the greatest of all human blessings.

You think he thought that when he was executed for being a pedophile?

Now get off your fucking phone, I got a story to set up.

So back in the 1800s this town was known for two things:

gold and whores. They don't have whores anymore.

But gold, that they still produce

more than anywhere in the country.

That gold, that's why I'm here.

Town is also haunted as hell but ghosts aren't real, so who gives a shit.

Where are my manners? My name is Ben.

I'm 26 years young, single, and was voted most likely to flunk out of high school.

And guess what, I did.

Who needs a diploma when you got a face like this?

Was that conceited, I was conceited. Whatever.

So here's the deal. I came to this little gold town in southern Taylor County

to pull a job. Now, this particular job I can't do on my own.

And as lady luck would have it, I have family here, close family.

You know in retrospect I do feel bad about bringing her in.

Fuck it, I'm rambling. Just watch.

Hell, she is not my sister.

There you go boys. Anything else?

Yeah. That ass right here now.

I've been watching you all night. You want me.

You can't stop thinking about us bumping uglies, can you?

Come here. You tell me the date on that penny

without moving the shot glass and this ass is all yours.

This is Annie, my sister, a real fucking lady.

Ouch! You stupid bitch, I'm gonna kill you.

- Try me asshole. - Get out before more accidents started happening.

- Better go tell Charlie. - You got it kiddo.

Look, I haven't exactly been a good brother.

Last time I saw my sister, I may have borrowed her car

without asking indefinitely.

I didn't screw her over on purpose, it just, you know, happened that way.

But she's always had a bad memory.

Hi Annie.

Oh.

You got serious balls showing your face here.

Don't you want to know why I'm here?

I'd love to know when you're leaving.

- Well, bar looks nice. - You want it? I'm selling it.

Selling it, huh?

I do actually need the bar, I mean to use it while you still have it.

- For what. - There's this guy, Paul No Balls.

- Paul No Balls? - Works for a small-time fish, wannabe gangster

from back east, alright? Paul got drunk and told Kyle that he...

Got a job with this gangster guy. Going out to Colorado.

It's gonna be a big payday.

Big.

Kyle told me and now I'm telling you.

I don't want anything to do with you,

fucking Kyle or this.

You don't exactly have a great track record.

I need sheets.

Like?

My car. Totaled. All my boyfriends you chased away.

I chased... you shit with the door open.

You know how many times I thought about you since the last time

- you crawled back into my life? - Zero, probably.

Zero. Not once. It's been fucking sublime.

I'd like to keep it that way.

Alright, fine. Alright you made your point. I'll get out of your hair.

Oh by the way, the... the take is five hundred thousand dollars.

- She's in. - Really?

- Sort of. - Is she or isn't she?

She will be.

- Bingo. - You know it's a slot machine.

No, you fucking idiot, Annie.

We meet her in twenty minutes. Get your shit together

and get ready. You smell like cat piss.

You smell like dog piss.

Sit down boys.

- Excuse you? - Annie's in the john. Take a seat.

- You're Annie's friend from earlier, right? - David.

- Dave. Can I call you Dave? - Blow me.

David, I'm Ben. This is Kyle.

We've got some business to discuss with my sister

so I appreciate the little gimmick you're doing here but...

You like to run your mouth a lot, don't you?

I used to know a three-dollar whore down in Mexico that used to do the same thing.

- Three dollars, huh? How's your T cell count? - Ben, Kyle.

- So you've met David. - Yeah.

- And how's your cat? - Get to the plan, chief.

Alright. So there's a deal going down tomorrow.

So Paul No Balls is driving his employer,

small-time gangster by the name of Mr. Leonard, who's swapping

gold for cash with some hillbilly motherfuckers up in the mountains.

- What the fuck? - Telling the plan.

Anyway, when the swap is done, I bring Paul

and Mr. Leonard back to the bar, get them a little tipsy

and swap the bag of gold out for a bag of not gold.

I'll see them off. Once they're gone, Annie gets your cut,

Kyle and I disappear. Good enough?

What stops them from coming back to the bar back to Annie?

That's a beautiful thing. I take all the blame.

By the time they figure it out, Kyle and I'll be long gone.

- What's our cut? - What do I look like the employment office?

- We need Annie, that's it. - David's part of the deal. Take it or leave it.

Come on.

- Alright, we're done here. - No, no, no.

Let me talk to my associate for a minute.

Come on.

You sure you want this? I don't trust either one of those morons.

Tell me about it. It's a lot of money though.

The bar's a lost cause at this point.

We really don't even have to do anything, we just facilitate.

But I get it, if you don't want in,

you got Granite Peak to head back to.

Montana is not going anywhere.

I appreciate the gesture, kiddo, but I'm gonna stick around for this one.

- Twelve percent. Fifteen. - Jesus, don't go giving away the fucking...

- But what about my percent? - We don't want to jewel her either, okay?

- We need her. - Don't fucking make me do math, man.

What are we gonna do if this shit lands in our laps?

Well, that's what I have you for.

- Fifty grand. - A hundred and fifty.

- Fuck off. - Take it or walk.

A hundred.

Alright.

Don't fuck this up.

So what now?

Now, my son, you call Paul,

we get a good night's sleep 'cause tomorrow I got a fish to impress.

Fuck this, let's get a drink.

- You're the guy? - The guy?

Look, if you're the guy, great, okay? And if you're not,

fuck off.

Yeah, I'm the guy.

The guy for the thing?

Yeah, Jesus, are you fucking kidding me?

Mr. Leonard wants to meet you.

- No shit. That's why I'm here. - Uh-huh.

The man sneaking up behind me is Mr. Leonard.

He's meeting the hillbilly motherfuckers in the mountains

and he is our mark.

What Kyle and I failed to mention last night

was that I haven't actually gotten into the car yet.

That puts this meeting very high on "do not fuck this up" list.

- Uh-huh. - Oh shit. Mr. Leonard, it's a pleasure to meet you.

Hey, Paul here says that you got sandpaper grit.

So I'm offering you an opportunity most people don't get a shot at.

Yes sir, I know that. I won't let you down.

No, don't do that. I fucking hate that.

- My ex-wife does that. - Alright, alright,

- it won't happen again. - What did I just say?

Look, before we go any further, I need to know something.

- Alright, shoot. - You a Jew?

Just for the record, I am Jewish.

Look, it's the son of Abraham.

That's a fucking yes or a fucking no.

No.

See? I fucking knew it. I fucking know you.

You're a fucking Gentile. I know what you do,

I know how you operate.

Hell, I only met you five seconds ago,

I already fucking hate you.

That's a waste of my fucking time.

You fu...

Kyle said you were wise with it. What the fuck was that?

- Did you not see my face? - Yes, I saw your face.

What was that? Are you Jewish?

No, my foreskins intact.

- But he doesn't know that. - Get the fuck out of my face.

Fuck.

Kyle! Kyle! Get up! Kyle.

Kyle. Oh, fuck, wake up.

- Oh my God. - I need you to...

I need you to go talk to Paul, alright?

- What the fuck? - Are you Jewish?

- What? No. Fuck. - Can you pretend to be?

- What the fuck happened? You okay? - I didn't get it.

God. Dude, the meeting's in two fucking hours. What the hell did you do?

- I said I wasn't Jewish. - What? I know your fucking rabbi.

Yeah, I lied in the wrong direction.

- Alright. Put that on. - Shit.

- So I need you, Kyle the fucking Philistine... - Okay.

...to pretend you're Jewish for five fucking minutes, man.

That's it. Coming at you. Alright.

- Good. - I'm fucking lost, man.

Exactly. Just like Moses in the desert.

- Wait, Moses or Jesus? - Mo... they're both Jews.

- Both Jews. - There you go. There you go.

- Get it off your beard. Shoes. - It doesn't matter.

- You're gonna do great, honey. - Okay.

Love you.

Kyle the fucking Philistine.

Shit.

- What if we... - They're already on their way.

- I know goddammit. - I'm sorry.

- What direction did they go? - I don't know, north-west?

- Heading out of town? - South-west.

- I'm not a fucking boy scout. - Give me the keys.

- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna find them.

You fucking degenerate.

Jesse.

- What are they inbred? - Get out.

Let me out of the car, will you?

You come to us.

I don't talk to people through windows.

Get out.

Just open the door, will you?

These fucking bones.

You must be Wyatt. Let's do some business, shall we?

Jesus fucking Christ.

You boys have been busy, huh?

See, the thing about the gold here,

it isn't in nuggets like I thought.

It's in small almost invisible veins

inside the rock.

And the only way to extract it is with cyanide.

I'll kill you, motherfucker.

Yeah, that cyanide.

Once it's been crushed, soaked

and then dried, what you're left with is dust,

extremely valuable dust.

You got a deal.

You got the cash?

Look, I gotta take this back, make sure it's legit.

- You'll get your money soon. - I'm gonna have to disagree.

You fucking Gentiles. Goddamn your blood.

Did you really think I was gonna come out here

carrying that kind of cash on me?

Okay, look, I don't know you, but you know me.

More importantly, my reputation.

Trust goes both ways where I come from.

Mister, you ain't where you come from.

You know, you're pretty stiff for a couple of hillbillies.

You have no idea.

Hey, hey, hey.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit!

Mr. Leonard?

Where the hell is Paul?

You motherfuckers.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck me, what the fuck.

Call the Minnow.

Good day, Father.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Kyle. Kyle!

Where the fuck is this guy? No shit.

- Don't fucking move. - Oh, hey now buddy.

- Drop the gun. - Easy now.

- Are you a priest? - Sometimes.

What? Kick the gun to me. Right now.

Come on.

Jesus, what the hell did you do?

You told me to kick a loaded gun.

Shit. No, stay down.

Why are you following me?

- You took something that doesn't belong to you. - Shit.

Yeah.

I can't have you following me. I'm sorry.

Oh, god damn it.

- Give me your shoes. - No.

Now.

Socks too. I'm not fucking around.

Where the fuck have you been? Kyle said you didn't get in.

We didn't get in and it doesn't matter anyways 'cause I got the shit.

- What the hell is that? - The shit.

- That does not look like gold. - It's unsmelted.

Oh, so all we have to do is smelt it?

- Don't look at me. - Yeah, yeah, smelt that shit.

Are you a gold expert now?

- What the fuck is that? - What the fuck is what? Oh that.

- Whose blood is that? - Jesus Christ.

- What happened? - They fucking killed him.

- Who? Where? - In the cemetery,

they ran out of the woods, they shot at me fucking bang, bang.

I shot at them bang. Now I'm here.

- Did they see you? - Yeah, they saw me.

They fucking shot at me. But I got the shit.

I don't see what's the big fucking problem is.

- How many were there? - Two, maybe three

- I think. - You think?

Look, I handled it.

- Oh, fuck. - Shit.

Fuck, this is your fucking fault you fucking asshole.

- Fuck you. - What the hell are we gonna do with this?

- We can take it to Bill tomorrow. - Bill? Really?

- Karaoke Bill? - Yeah, he's been prepping for the end of the world

for a while. He believes in these three G's,

God, guns, and lucky for us, gold.

No, that's good.

- From now on we call the shots. - Right on.

So this is supposed to be worth half a million bucks, huh?

- I guess. - You guess? You ass.

Listen, assface, people died for this shit.

Get three dollar mouth shut when I'm talking.

- I could snuff you out. - Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you,

so you could have anal to your pervy ass self.

You vomit that shit again, I'll put you so deep in the ground

the fucking worms won't be able to find you.

- David. Let him go. - Aargh!

Fuck you. That's right, bitch.

We got to think about calling Charlie in.

- Hell no. - Who the fuck is Charlie?

- A cop. - A cop?

- David. - Are you insane?

- We're gonna think... - He's not gonna find out.

- We don't have time. - Let's just call a fucking cop.

That'll be great, yeah. Great. Fuck you.

I just texted Charlie. He is on his way.

Oh, shit.

Knock-knock.

Fuck, fuck.

- He's got a fucking gun. - Can't escape this, kid.

What the fuck did you do?

Fuck you.

- Let's negotiate. - Fuck you negotiate.

What if you just take the shit and we'll let this whole thing slide?

Very Christian of you. If you give yourself up with the gold, then maybe.

So it's a stalemate?

Oh, don't show me evidence.

I didn't want to bring you into this but we do need your help.

To protect and serve. Now's your chance.

- Why don't you just give it back to them? - We tried that. Didn't work.

- They want blood. - Whose blood?

- His blood. - My blood.

- Who the hell are you? - My brother, Ben.

- Annie, you didn't tell me you have a brother. - I know.

Funny she didn't tell me she's dating a fucking cop either.

- No offense. - Yeah, none taken.

Look, Chuck... can I call you Chuck?

- You sit there and be the fuck quiet. - I think that...

You too. The grown-ups are talking.

Charlie, please, we need your help.

Look, I'm here, aren't I?

Just give me a second.

You good?

- Got a plan? - A rough one.

You, Ben, and David take this shit to Bill.

Kyle and I will stay here. David's already prepared him

for what's coming, he's willing to pay cash for gold.

Well, if it were any other men, I'd say yeah, it might work.

But you got the McCloud brothers after you.

Wyatt and Jesse? Are you sure?

- It was their truck. - Shit.

- Who the hell are the McClouds? - Bad news.

I don't care who it is. I'm not leaving you with Kyle

- when bullets are flying. - Woah, woah, woah! Bad news?

So what if they shoot us the second we walk out the door?

- They won't. - Why not?

They want to make you suffer.

- That's not helping. - You're not staying alone with that idiot.

Where is that idiot?

Hey, thanks again, Bill. See you tomorrow.

As soon as the light hits, take the kid to the station.

Pick up some supplies for tomorrow. We need to be ready.

Just go to Bill's now and get the cash.

He is at a gun show in Canyon City.

Won't be back till morning.

- Fuck. - What about Kyle?

We can't just leave him with those bastards.

It's not gonna happen.

What? I agree with David.

Fucking pig. Annie?

- Don't look at me. Fuck Kyle. - Screw you.

You're all fucking heartless.

You go look for him. Nobody's stopping you.

Fine. I will.

Ben.

So now you want to go be a hero?

You might as well put two bullets in your own skull.

If you go after him, you're as good as dead.

A quick shot to get two bullets my own head.

People are dead, Ben. They tried to kill us.

We didn't sign up for this shit.

I never forced you into this, okay?

You didn't stick to the plan.

But you never do, do you?

You just stay in my life long enough to put me

through shit and then you leave me to clean the mess.

- What's family for? - That's right.

You never had a chance, did you?

- We were fucked from the get-go. - What the fuck...

You though, you followed

his footprints pretty fucking close.

Don't ever compare me to dad, alright?

- He's a fucking piece of shit. - You're proving my point, Ben.

As far as I can see, you're his spitting fucking image.

Take a look in the fucking mirror, sis, okay?

I mean this whole G.I. Jane hairy armpit act, I mean

it's doing wonders of keeping everybody at a fucking distance,

but how do you even deal with this shit?

I mean I can't even think that Charlie puts up with this shit.

What the fuck. What the fuck. What... get the fuck off!

The same fucking.

Don't talk about my fucking armpits.

Ah, you should be grateful you don't hit with a fistful of fucking quarters anymore.

So we both agree dad's a prick, huh?

What's the deal with Dave? Is he your way of dealing with daddy issues?

- Jesus. - You would say some stupid shit like that.

David is nothing like dad.

Oh my God, Ann, it was a fucking joke, alright?

But really, I mean, come on, does he have to be such a monumental prick all the time?

When I met David, he was two hours away from putting a gun in his mouth.

His daughter died in a car crash three months before he ended up in my bar.

He was driving, fell asleep at the wheel.

I take back what I said. He's not a fucking prick.

Still an asshole though.

He's scared.

So am I.

What you, Annie, scared?

We're in serious shit here.

I know.

I know!

Okay. So we need to stick together.

Yeah.

I got your back. You got mine?

Yeah, I got your fucking back.

Come on, let's get the fuck out of here.

About Kyle, if you want to go after him

then we just got to do it together with an actual plan

with a gun or two.

He's probably at the hotel room with a face full of blow.

I swear to fucking God, that's their plan.

You expect me to believe you just gave them all up just like that?

So you'll let me go?

I'd say that's a negative.

We're gonna kill you.

You know the last time I saw a man look this terrified?

The night Jessie here killed our father.

He's a womanizer, my father.

One night he brought home what I'm pretty damn sure was an angel,

auburn hair, gorgeous face, kind, measurably kind.

Dad got drunk, like he did every night.

Jessie and I just watched. His anger got the best of him and he put her into a wall.

You ever hear a neck snap?

It's quieter than you think.

Dad looked over at us and smiled.

That cocksucker smiled.

Jessie, he couldn't take it.

Something in his little brain broke.

He grabbed a kitchen knife and charged the old man.

He buried that blade so deep in our father's chest,

King Arthur couldn't have pulled that fucker out.

We just sat there and watched as our father died,

fearful, like a fucking animal.

You're gonna die today.

Most men don't know when that particular guarantee

is gonna happen.

Best start praying.

God's the only one listening now.

Found the pack in my office.

I ain't judging.

You could have been sipping whiskey watching the sun

bounce off Granite Peak right about now.

You asking me if I regret anything?

I know you don't.

What's wrong?

- Nothing. I... - David.

I've killed men in two different wars, Annie.

I've watched some of my best friends die in the process.

I just don't know if I'm strong enough...

We're getting out of this, you and me.

But not until those backwards fucks

have six feet of earth between us and them.

- What's with the snow? - It's a cold town, man.

Here.

Look, I uh... I get it why you came back, I do.

Why?

- Annie. - Oh.

You know the first time I was called

out to the bar was for a couple of drunks.

So I walk in, she looks up at me

with those eyes, just blue and perfect.

Well, I was struck.

Yeah, blue eyes are the worst.

Yeah.

Aargh!

You fucked up. The squirrelly one gave you up.

He always was a weaselly little shit.

Aargh! Get the fuck away from me.

Damn. I always heard you were a firecracker.

More like a goddamn .357.

Aargh! Get off me. Fuck.

Aargh! Aargh! Aargh! Aargh!

Holy shit.

Aargh!

I suspect this was done in self-defense.

Yeah, they look like self-inflicted wounds to me.

He... he's still breathing.

- She wouldn't let me finish the job. - Why the hell not?

- We may need him as a hostage. - Collateral.

Collateral? Don't say the "H" word.

You guys get to Bill so we can get the fuck out of here.

What are we waiting for? Let's go.

- You two go. - Bill doesn't know them.

- You have to go. - I'm not leaving you again.

- End of discussion. - David, it's fine, I got it.

- I can't leave you alone with him. - If you want me

- to get out of this, then you have to go. - Kiddo.

Jesus Christ, David, you're not my fucking father.

Now you're wasting time. Go.

Fine. I'll go, but Charlie stays.

This thing gets fucked,

clear out that cash drawer and you get out of town.

Fuck!

You're my nephew, got it?

What did you give me for Hanukkah?

I skipped church for you cocksuckers.

This shit better be worth it.

Wipe your feet.

- Staying busy? - A couple things to do around here.

- What's that? - Hunt and fuck.

- What are you hunting? - Something to fuck.

- This is my nephew. - Nephew?

- Huh. - Nah, he don't look like he comes from your blood.

Little fucker looks like he just escaped from Egypt.

He's my sister's kid. Dad's a Heeb.

- A Heeb? - Yeah.

I figured.

How many Israelites does it

take to turn a dime into a dollar?

One. She's got big hands.

I got no problem with your people. Come on in.

Big hands.

You hear about that shooting at the waffle joint?

Two boys going there toting shotguns.

Tell the cashier give them all the money that's in the register.

It's a goddamn waffle joint, should be easy money.

But then the waffle cook rounds the corner

with a fucking Uzi and unloads.

Why, there were more spent shells

on the floor of that place than cockroaches.

Those boys made a decision

without knowing all the potential outcomes

and it cost them their lives.

No, I'm in this with you both till the end,

don't get me wrong.

I just already been thumped on the skull due to carelessness.

I need to know how many cooks are in the kitchen

and what they're cooking with.

Alright then.

Been a long time since I shot at something breathing.

You ever seen the movie Heat?

Looks real.

How's that cabin of yours coming along, David?

Wyoming?

No, it's Montana.

It's a long damn drive. I just don't have

the time of day to drag my ass up there.

Life's too short, you should know that.

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that.

Well, boys, looks like you got some grade-A shit here.

But you can't be sure until you test it.

Mmm, tastes like cheddar.

- Yep. - What are we looking at?

- Cash or coin? - Cash.

Do I need to know where this comes from?

No.

Well then, three-fifty.

Leave it.

Come with me.

What the fuck? Fuck, old man.

We got to get something straight.

I don't give two shits about you or that gold.

I'm in this for Annie... You've got a problem with that?

I don't give a damn...

Now come on.

We cool?

Yeah, we're cool.

Good. Where were we?

Cash.

Three-fifty.

Deal.

I only got 20s.

You know, I always thought there were three

vastly different types of family.

Group one, see maybe once in your life, barely qualify as family.

Group two, those are the ones you take a bullet for,

the ones you love forever.

And then there's group three,

the ones you put a bullet in personally.

Now, my brother and my cousin,

group number two, no question.

Now I don't presume to know you.

But that brother of yours,

him I know.

I'd firmly plant his ass in group number three...

...which means when you see him again,

put a bullet in him

because if you don't...

...that bullet...

will come all the way back around to you.

There's a reckoning coming.

You fucked with group number two.

Oh shit, get the gun.

What the fuck.

Get back to the bar and get Annie out of town right now.

- I said go. - No, you're outnumbered.

Eat shit bitches!

- We'll cover you. - Go.

Get out of here, Bill.

Are you kidding me? I've been waiting my whole fucking life for this.

- Stay frosty. - Crazy fuck.

Cocksuckers! Sons of bitches.

You hear that?

- Yeah. Ann, I... - It's okay,

I'll be fine. Go.

You fuckers.

Bill!

David.

Go fuck yourself.

Well, shit old timer.

What you smiling at?

It's my last rites, Father.

Sorry for my sins and all that shit.

We clear?

You head back. I'm right behind you.

God damn, I love that sound.

You believe in hell?

Let's go together you son of a bitch.

No! No.

- Jesus. - We gotta go now.

What? What happened? Where's David?

- Where's Charlie? - He sped up toward the gunshots.

- What the hell happened? - Shit.

We got the cash, but bullets started flying

- as soon as we left the door. - So you took the money and ran?

No, David told me to come get you. We need to leave town.

God damn you, Ben.

Fuck. Look, you can hate me for the rest of our lives,

but right now we have to go.

You're a fucking cliché.

She's right.

What did you just say you in-bred fuck?

I said she is right. You greasy little hole plugger.

Fuck you.

Where are they?

Well, let's see, what time is it?

What?

Oh, yeah. You might want to check where all this started.

Best hurry. My brother's not a patient man.

Argh!

Help me get him in the van.

David had a story he used to tell

about a run-in he had with the cartel down in Arizona.

He said he was face to face with death

and death told him it was his time to go.

He didn't like that.

He pulled his pistol, looked to death square in the face

and said, "Fuck that."

Oh!

Charlie, you okay?

I'm alright.

Where is David?

Where is David?

No. No, come on.

Charlie.

Fuck!

I'm so sorry. Ah!

You want him to die, motherfucker?

Now you listen real fucking good.

My brother's gonna walk that bag out

and he's gonna set it down.

When he does, you're gonna let Charlie come to me,

and then this pile of horseshit can come to you.

Go, Ben. Go!

I get it why you came back, I do.

Why?

Annie.

Promise me one thing. This goes to shit,

you do whatever it takes to keep Annie safe.

I will. I promise.

I'm sorry...

for everything.

Wait!

I'm sorry I lied to you.

Cabin's been finished for years.

But when I came back to town after she died,

I met you and I saw her.

It was like God was giving me another chance

not to fuck it all up. I couldn't leave you.

If we're not headed there together,

don't cry for me god damn it,

I was ready to go.

The land, the cabin, it's all yours now.

Paper's already been filed.

I know you already know this...

but I love you kiddo.

Bangarang.

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