Original subtitles

MAN: National Television, Steve Shorter, slate one, take one.

I would just like to say to you all

how happy I am to be back in Britain

after my American tour.

(CROWD CHEERING)

CROWD: (CHANTING) We want Steve! We want Steve!

NARRATOR: The name of this young man is Steven Shorter.

He is being given the first ticker-tape welcome

in the history of Britain.

But Steven Shorter is not a president or a politician,

he is a pop singer.

(CROWD SCREAMING)

The reason given for the extreme violence

of the stage act that you are about to see,

is that it provides the public with a necessary release

from all the nervous tension caused

by the state of the world outside.

The performance for which Steven Shorter is now being prepared

is based on the sentence he once served in prison.

And so successful has this violent act become,

that Steven Shorter now finds himself

the most desperately loved entertainer in the world.

Britain. In the near future.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(GRUNTS)

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

♪ I see it all before me

♪ My path's a restless wander

♪ My days and nights are torment

♪ A world of misery

♪ The bonds of retribution

♪ Now laid so carefully

♪ I cannot shed my pain

♪ So easily now

♪ My spirit's broken

♪ No will to live

♪ My body's all aching

♪ My hands are tied

♪ I need my freedom

♪ Not your sympathy

♪ You, you needn't love me

♪ Just set me free

♪ Come on, come on, set me free

♪ Set me free ♪

CROWD: Free! Free! Free!

Free! Free! Free!

Free! Free!

Free! Free! Free! Free!

Free! Free!

Free! Free! Free! Free!

Free! Free! Free!

Free! Free! Free! Free!

Free! Free!

Free! Free! Free!

Free!

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ Is there a way out for me?

♪ I kneel before you helpless

♪ Is there somebody out there

♪ To take a chance on me?

♪ I don't pretend to virtue

♪ I don't ask anything

♪ But if you want to help me

♪ My freedom's everything

♪ Now, look, my spirit's broken

♪ No will to live

♪ My body's all aching

♪ My hands are tied

♪ I need, I need my freedom

♪ Not your sympathy

♪ Look, you needn't love me

♪ Just set me free

♪ Come on, come on, please set me free

♪ Set me free ♪

(WOMAN MOANING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CROWD SCREAMING IN PROTEST)

♪ I see it all before me

♪ My darkest days of sorrow

♪ Salvation's hand denied me

♪ No hope of liberty

♪ I only ask one question

♪ Please tell me if you can

♪ What good is retribution

♪ Without a helping

♪ hand? ♪

MAN IN AUDIENCE: Bastard!

(CROWD BOOING)

NARRATOR: There is now a coalition government in Britain,

which has recently asked all entertainment agencies

to usefully divert the violence of youth.

"Keep them happy, off the streets and out of politics."

ALVIN: But I think, uh…

MARTIN: A very good show tonight, I thought.

ALVIN: The basic thing is that, uh,

we get this European thing settled down.

By the way, Martin I'd like you to uh…

I'd like to look over some of the press releases I've got.

This should be the greatest European tour he's done yet.

MARTIN: I'm glad to hear that. ALVIN: By the way,

as I mentioned before, the uh, the Far Eastern thing.

You know the potential there is tremendous

and we haven't been there in 18 months…

MARTIN: You should probably give him a drink.

ALVIN: Yes, I've offered him… Steve, do you want a drink?

MARTIN: Okay, Superintendent, you can let them in now, please.

Come in, ladies and gentleman.

Ah! Ah! Ah! Take your time.

NARRATOR: There will shortly be 61 people in this room,

of whom 54 have nothing whatever to do Steven Shorter.

They're what you might call professional leaners.

ALVIN: Come on, yes.

That's fine.

ALVIN: All right, take it easy, that's it. Have a drink, that's on us.

NARRATOR: Vanessa Ritchie, commissioned by the Ministry of Culture

to paint Steven Shorter.

I first saw Steven Shorter at a press reception

given for him about three months ago.

I couldn't get very close to him

because of the usual crowd of people around him.

There was just something about him…

I don't know, it was the way he stood and looked

in the midst of all those people.

I found a strange sort of

emptiness and… I just wanted to paint him.

ALVIN: Uh, what was your name? Kitty, wasn't it?

MAN: It's Betty. It's Betty.

ALVIN: And this is our American friend visiting,

- John B. Marshall. - Yeah, I'd like to say howdy, folks…

ALVIN: Right, cool it, John, we'll hear from you later. Isn't he wild?

All right. Have a good time. Enjoy it! Have a ball.

All right, hold it! Hold it, everybody, hold it!

Hold it. Present time, Uncle Julie. Right now, it's present time.

- Yeah. - It's your birthday, Uncle Julie. 65.

♪ He's a jolly good fellow for he's a jolly good fellow

♪ For he's a jolly good fellow ♪

Look, my accountant, do me a favour, count backwards from there.

NARRATOR: On the left is Alvin Kirsch, press officer to Steven Shorter

and on the right is Jules Jordan, music publisher to Steve Shorter,

and grossing £250,000 per year.

JULIE: Just beautiful. Thank you, Steve. You're so good to me.

You want me to do it again?

ALVIN: A retake of the kiss, is that too much?

(GUESTS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)

NARRATOR: The evening of August 8th.

We are in one of 300 Steven Shorter discotheques

specially built within the last few years to spread happiness

throughout Britain.

Not in a million, million years. Look after this, will you?

No, this is not business with us.

We're just one big happy family.

Look at this kid, a doll, a prince. I love this boy. Beautiful!

We didn't frame it, Uncle Julie,

because we didn't know where you'd like to put it.

ALVIN: Martin, you're too much!

Vanessa? Vanessa?

NARRATOR: Martin Crossley, personal manager to Steven Shorter.

Squit, do you find, um, Miss Ritchie's painting exciting?

Well, I don't really know much about art.

I, um… Ask me about birds…

- Yeah, I wasn't suggesting… - … and I'll, I'll…

… that you should know about art, I just wondered if you had an opinion.

- Freddie, what do you think? - Oh, well, I don't much about art,

ask me about bees and I'll tell ya.

This adolescent display is not really called for, you know,

I'm just asking for an opinion.

- About her work? - NARRATOR: On the right

is Freddie K, musical director to Steven Shorter

and self-confessed anarchist.

It's not what it's about any more, is it? Not really, you know?

I mean, if you really go seriously into it.

And you go in, now what you wanna do is you wanna go into a place

where something's hanging that's got a bit of something in it!

You know, not all this nansy pansy stuff. I mean, somewhere that's…

Yeah, she knows what I mean that

when you just see it and there's a bit of somebody young in there

and there's a bit of… A bit of everything that he's ever done.

A bit, you know, everything like bed and, excuse me, going to the toilet,

you know everything's in it, a bit of a man's life.

A bit of his soul, a bit of everything.

That's what it's all about, it's not this… Isn't it?

I'm sure you'll agree with that. She'll agree with me when she gets it.

MARTIN: Steven, can we help you?

I was… I'd like to dance.

We were trying to have a conversation about paintings.

Yeah…

You might ask Miss Ritchie… Steven?

♪ Hey, little girl, I'm in a whirl

♪ I've been a bad, bad boy

♪ I'm on my knees, forgive me, please

♪ I've been a bad, bad boy… ♪

They're all watching you.

Yeah, well, they always are, aren't they?

I was watching you last night on television.

I mean, obviously I've seen your act before, but

this time I was looking at it much more clearly.

STEVEN: Oh, yeah, I know.

Quite a phenomenon, aren't I?

How does it go?

"His act is nauseating, it's sadistic…"

There was one girl they were interviewing.

She was sobbing.

She was saying she'd kill herself for you.

Yeah, I saw her.

And?

I thought she was lovely.

ALVIN: Step aside, please. Uh, Alvin's coming through.

Would you please excuse me. Hey, kids, uh, everything all right?

Listen, I hate to break in at this time, do you think we could possibly

like, just cool it, like, for a couple of minutes?

Steve, I'd like to talk to you and uh, I'd like to uh,

tell you about the agreement I was…

Why don't you… You'd like this, too.

ALVIN: Yeah, although I think I've got some…

Wildly different decor which I had a hand in myself…

You notice we've still retained the chains but I've had the steel…

And the whole thing looks like…

ANNOUNCER ON PA: Closer to you.

Steve's Electrics, guaranteed for your refrigerator

radiogram, food-mixer, dishwasher, TV set.

If we haven't got it, Steve will get it for you.

He will because he can.

Steve genuinely loves dogs. He knows you do, too,

which is why Steve Chunk dog food is specially reduced in price

from 10s 6d on the current market to 8s 6d,

but not reduced in chunky, tail-wagging nourishment.

NARRATOR: You are now in what is called a Steve Dream Palace,

but there are 300 of these in Britain, each designed to keep people happy

and buying British.

MAN ON PA: Steve, his symbol, the arrow,

is your guarantee of satisfaction.

Don't forget that when you buy in here, you're buying Steven Shorter.

AUTOMATED VOICE: 14 stone, 7.

You see the uh, you see the chick tonight?

- You're certainly putting it on some. - I'm not putting it on.

It's a little chemical problem, a little chemical.

The body is still there, the form is still there.

They run after Steve, but you know the overflow, uh,

I still get, I want you to know. That little chemical…

What are you doing to your teeth so much?

What is it all about, all that gargling?

Too much, too much, with that stuff.

(GARGLING)

By the way, uh, we got to do something about his wrists.

JULIE: What wrists? ALVIN: What do you mean, "What wrists"?

His wrists. They're getting cut up, they're getting all smashed up.

Why does he have to lose, like, blood for, for nothing?

GIRL: I've got his name tattooed all over me.

"Steve, I love you, Steve, wait for me. Steve, be mine tonight."

I dream about him a lot. They're always horrid dreams,

'cause he always dies in the end.

But when I wake up I say thank you to God,

'cause it was only a dream.

JULIE: "We're falling down on two items", I said,

"repentance and heart."

- Did they give you anything? - JULIE: Did they give me anything?

Look, I'm not a knocker of this kind of music,

but the intro goes something like this…

♪ Ba de da ba de da ba da boom boom

♪ Ba de da ba de da ba da boom boom ♪

ALVIN: Hey, is he still giving you those four-bar intros?

- Eight bars. - ALVIN: Its four bars, Uncle Julie,

you're counting it in two. It's four bars.

All right, four bars, eight bars… Anyway, I said to the boy who wrote it,

what made him think of that kind of a sound?

How does it come here?

And you know what he said to me?

Look, maybe I'm a bit old-fashioned, but he said to me,

and you'll never believe this, Alvin,

he said to me that the sound came to him when he was in a traffic jam.

The hooters were blaring…

(VOCALISING CAR HORNS)

And that's how he came to the idea of the theme line.

Still, who am I to complain?

His last disc sold 1,200,000.

- ALVIN: Wasn't it 400,000? - 200,000.

Anyway, we got together and we worked out a song…

Alvin, this could be a minor sensation.

Now. It goes like this. Remember, the boy is sitting in a prison cell.

- JULIE: You got the picture? - Mmm.

JULIE: Okay.

♪ Mother, I never thought I'd miss your kiss… Cooking

♪ Mother, you're the nearest and dearest to my heart

♪ Mother… ♪

- When does the hook come? - Wait, wait, wait for it.

♪ Can't you see, Mother ♪

The bridge needs a little work here, but get the payoff, the last line.

♪ The salt-spray of my tears… ♪

Um…

I want to say that it, uh,

needs a little work…

- ♪ Mother… - But…

♪ Never thought I'd miss your many… ♪

(JULIE VOCALISING)

I'll start again.

♪ Mother, I never thought I'd miss your cooking ♪

(VOCALISING)

♪ Mother, you're the nearest and dearest to me, Mother

♪ Can't you see, Mother

♪ The salt-spray of my tears… ♪

- Well, how's that? - Aye, sir, it's a nice tune,

Uncle Julie. No. Well, no, no, it's a horrible tune.

Do you know what that tune is, Uncle Julie?

It's a, it's a… It's a nostalgic breaking of wind

after a dinner of sentimentality. I mean, it's nothing.

I mean where's the adventure in it? This book is about

a fat mother figure who eats her children

with her sentimental rubbish, you know? And your tune panders to this.

I mean, the very instruments you play, their very barrenness is expressed

by the shape… I mean, this, you know…

There's nothing to 'em at all.

INTERVIEWER: Uh, Mr Hooper, how would you describe your function

as Mr Shorter's administrator?

Well, one example I can give you.

About 18 months ago, Steven was threatened with a paternity suit.

INTERVIEWER: So what did you do?

Well, I procured an abortion

and arranged for the young lady to be paid £500.

(GRUNTS)

INTERVIEWER: I see. And how did you account for this expenditure?

I put it down to petty cash.

Yeah, good morning, Andrew.

- Good morning, Martin. - Good morning, Martin.

MAN: How was America?

We'll start with the American tour, please.

NARRATOR: Andrew Goddard Butler.

Director of a merchant bank in the city of London

and chairman of Steven Shorter Enterprises Limited.

Very well, gentleman, we'll begin by asking Martin

to give us the results of the American tour.

Uh, right, gentleman.

The tour lasted 25 days

and we covered some 64,700 miles of travel.

The 25 days resulted in 64 appearances, 14 television appearances

- and nine charity functions. - How many days off were there?

MARTIN: Three.

(CLEARS THROAT) Is the boy all right?

MARTIN: Have I…

Have I said anything to indicate that he isn't?

ANDREW: The schedule, uh, sounds a little punishing.

His schedule had the full approval of Dr Malcolm.

Gentleman…

Gentleman, let's be quite clear on one point.

Steven Shorter's personal life is his own business.

That's as it should be.

But his wellbeing, physical and mental,

is very much of concern to us all.

The last time I saw him, I thought he seemed nervous and withdrawn.

I hope there's nothing disturbing the boy of which we have no knowledge.

Stay there, Steve, just relax. You're a bit tense today

I don't know what's the matter with you,

don't go away. Give him a ball, someone, throw him a ball, will you?

Get a few of you tossing this ball up in the air…

ALVIN: Uh, can we get a ball, please? Someone give him a ball.

Squit, would you give him the ball, please?

Very nice these ones. That's it, now…

Stretch it out towards me, Steve.

Smile, don't forget to smile. That's very nice.

Our first problem was naturally to get rid of, uh,

35 pounds of excess weight.

So we put him on this special gymnasium-type gymnastic course

with a lot of choppy and exciting exercises or something,

I don't know what they did, but they fixed up the problem.

Uh… I'd say it took us about anywhere from 18 months to two years

to get him into his present physical shape.

Now, what about taking your jacket off? That towelling thing you got on, Steve.

Get a few of you in your shorts, come on, that's a great idea.

Few for the girls.

Do I have to?

Yes, come on, Steve, what's the matter with you?

You look wonderful! Beautiful day! Come on!

ALVIN: Steve, just for a couple of shots. Can you take it off?

- ALVIN: It won't take too long. - Yeah, I won't take long.

- ALVIN: Just a couple of shots, Steve. - Just a few, come on now.

- ALVIN: Thanks a lot. - Come on, that's great.

Wonderful, good.

Now. Now, Steve, smile, nice smile. Awfully tense, relax. Right.

Now put your chest out, beautiful one for the girls. That's it now, great.

Now then, Steve, another one and smile.

BILL: Have you got a fridge? VANESSA: No.

Better buy you one, then. Steve like his, uh,

chilled tomato juice about 11:00.

NARRATOR: The following morning, Bill Franks, personal bodyguard

to Steven Shorter and 5'11" in uplift boots,

inspects the amenities within Vanessa Ritchie's studio.

Uh, got hot and cold there?

Toilet upstairs, I suppose.

It's a bit strong, innit?

Hmm…

Is this where it all happens, then?

Darling?

Yeah, I suppose this, uh…

Yeah, well, this ought to do us, then. Darling?

When am I going to have another session with Steve?

Tomorrow. Yeah, tomorrow after the commercial.

What commercial?

Apple Marketing Board.

Here, have one. It's good for your sex life.

Eat a bowl a day, meself.

Well, they don't do much for me.

That's 'cause you don't eat the pips, innit?

Darling. Innit?

Has…

Has anyone ever told you you're quite a doll?

Give us a bite, then.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Jackman, what exactly is the commercial purpose

of today's advertisement?

Well, that's really quite straightforward.

What we have got is the largest national apple glut ever.

And unless something drastic is done,

in the next three weeks, 642 million apples will rot.

So, the object of this commercial,

and the 34 others which are planned,

is to get every man, woman and child…

Wind's changed direction,

can you move the fog machine down to the water please?

MR JACKMAN:… that is, babes in arms and old-age pensioners excepted,

to eat six apples a day for the whole of the summer.

INTERVIEWER: Now, Mr Arbutt,

how would you describe your technique in shooting this commercial?

Well, I've been very influenced by the work of the Moscow Art Theatre

and certain of our modern philosophers.

I would describe my approach as existentialist.

INTERVIEWER: Would you care to elaborate on that a little?

MR ARBUTT: Oh, yes. Well, for example, today the actors must all

think apples, be apples and ultimately become apples.

MR JACKMAN: See, one must remember that there are millions of viewers

sitting captive in their sitting rooms, who are yearning for

the reality and tranquillity and the beauty of the countryside.

MAN: All right. Thank you, Dave.

PHOTOGRAPHER 1: Head up, head up!

Steve, you've go to learn to come to a slower stop.

Remind me to look at you walking backwards.

- Alvin. - Yeah, Steve, one more, please.

- Can you get rid of them, please? - All right, fellows, fellows!

Fellows, let's take it easy, they've had enough, fellows.

Let's take it easy, fellows.

Get in the van, happiness time is over.

PHOTOGRAPHER 1: Just one more, Alvin.

- Alvin, get rid of them! - All right, fellows.

- STEVEN: Get rid of them. - That's it. Ease off.

ALVIN: Fellows, ease off, that's it. Fellows, this way. Fellows.

PHOTOGRAPHER 2: Okay.

All right, everyone, let's have some quiet, please.

We're going to have a few words from our sponsor.

Our sponsor.

(CROWD CLAPPING)

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

This morning I received a telegram from our real sponsor,

The Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries.

And I'm sure that the unit and artists

would like me read it before we start shooting.

"Good luck today with commercial number 17. Stop."

MAN: Give me a level on Mr Jackman, will you?

"Minister delighted, campaign already bearing fruit."

(PERSON BLOWING RASPBERRY)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

Right. Now, stand by, everyone and quiet,

we're going to have a run-through from the top with music.

And remember, everyone, please,

for the next 90 seconds we're all going to be apples.

I reckon the director's a bleeding nut.

All right. Stand by, ducks, stand by, swans, stand by, early morning mist.

Stand by, Sylvia. Camera!

MAN 1: Running. MAN 2: Scene.

MAN 3: Mark it!

MAN 4: National Apple Marketing Board.

Scene one, take one. Running on a guide track.

MAN 3: In this girl's ears, the clang of war,

her back to the smoke of her burning childhood.

Her country may be raped, ravaged and upheaved.

We see it in her eyes. The ugliness of war.

Man's inhumanity to man.

And then a glade, a glade of peace.

A tortured, hunted look in her eyes becomes soft.

Peace, beauty, freshness,

the soft touch of morning dew, the gentle lull, a blossom.

But, what is in her basket?

And why does she stand as though in expectancy?

Are we eavesdropping in a secret tryst in the midst of war?

And then, a twig snaps in the forest!

In a minute! Here we are!

He has returned!

He's been riding for 76 days.

Twenty-two horses have dropped from under him.

His eyes are rimmed with fatigue, caked with the dust of war.

With his own hands he has wrenched open the gates of Jerusalem.

With his own hands he has crushed an Olympic army of 30,000.

He has fought the mighty fight.

He needs sustenance, he needs apples!

Now we know what was in the basket.

He is weary, stumbles after her, his whole body demanding one thing.

In his eyes, a desperate desire.

She leads him, she leads him into the glade of apples.

It is this that has given him his inner strength.

Now we know what has enabled this man to fight the mighty fight.

We know what it is that's restricted him,

what it is that sustains him.

What it is that makes his eyes lose the voracity of war!

It can only be one thing. Apples!

Apples! Apples! Apples!

Apples! Apples!

INTERVIEWER: Mr Jackman, how did you manage to get

Steven Shorter for your commercial?

Oh, I just had a few words with his manager, Mr Crossley.

INTERVIEWER: They must have been very persuasive words, Mr Jackman.

£30,000.

Steve?

Andrew's been very worried about you lately.

He was saying to me that he thinks you seem much too nervous.

I think he's wondering if,

well, if there's anything that might be upsetting you.

Is there?

Is that why…

I suppose that's why they've…

brought you in.

So they can keep tabs on me.

Whose idea was that? Crossley's, I suppose.

- No, it wasn't. - Bastard.

If you and Martin don't like each other, why do you keep working together?

Very simple answer to that.

As far as he's concerned,

he takes 15%.

You'll probably find that's why Andrew's…

What is it?

Concerned about me.

Steve, what do you mean?

Well, you don't think…

You don't think he's chairman of Shorter Enterprises for nothing, do you?

Thank you, Alvin.

I wonder if you'd be kind enough to ask Steven to come in.

I think he ought to hear what we're now going to discuss.

ALVIN: Right.

Steve, come in please.

MAN 1: Hi, Steve. MAN 2: How are you, Steven?

Good morning, Steve.

ANDREW: Are you well, Steven?

Yes.

Good.

Now, Miss Crawford, gentlemen, we come to the central point of today's meeting.

Professor Tatham.

We live in difficult times.

We face on every side the danger of overthrow

by the forces of communism and anarchy.

We must now, for the sake of national cohesion and survival,

lock together into a single mould.

We must become one unit to resist these forces.

And to ensure this move we must, of necessity,

subdue the critical elements in the country's youth.

This is why we first made Steven Shorter more violent than anyone else.

Because we knew this violence would have a more direct appeal

to the youth of the moment.

Now we're going to use that appeal by changing it.

Gentlemen, in accordance with our planned campaign,

and because we've reached commercial saturation point,

in ten days' time we're going to make Steven Shorter repent.

We're going to make him say, "I'm sorry for what I've done."

We're going to make him say, "Now I want to go back into society.

"Now I will accept law and order,

"no longer will I criticise or rock the boat."

We're going to make Steven Shorter say these things,

because we want, as we've always wanted, the youth of Britain to say them also.

ANDREW: (CLEARS THROAT) This is excellent. Very exciting.

Now, for clothes and new designs, Miss Crawford.

(SOFT INSTRUMENTAL PIANO PLAYING)

NARRATOR: August 14th, item on the agenda,

"The Youth of the Future."

As you can see, gentlemen,

the accent in about ten days' time will dramatically swing to…

Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Daphne.

To respectability, cleanliness, social grace,

and above all, a new-found innocence.

The masculine line will become softer, and the feminine line more feminine.

And gone forever will be the prison motif. Thank you, Tony.

You will notice that Daphne no longer wears the penal collar,

but has an open, soft look.

And that Tony no longer has the restrictive stitching

which imprisoned the body in the last two years.

He is freer, much freer.

Thank you, Tony. Thank you, Daphne.

In other words, gentlemen, they are released.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Excellent, quite excellent.

But as we've seen, gentlemen, we are about to launch

one of the most dramatic changes of popular image ever seen.

The only problem that remains is, will the public en mass accept it?

We believe so, because of Steven's power.

But to make sure, my research team and I suggest

that when you present Steven in his new image for the first time,

you do so in conjunction with an establishment event.

We have compiled a short list from many dozens of applications.

The Central Office of Information, The Board of Trade,

The Ministry of Defence, The British Tourist Board.

Yes, well, I've sounded out the Foreign Office,

and unofficially they've informed me that they'd be delighted to

sponsor Steven on a world tour.

The Air Ministry, The Inland Waterways Board,

and the Commonwealth Office.

ALVIN: Gentlemen, haven't we forgotten someone?

Haven't we forgotten the one person who's smiled upon us all?

♪ Onward, onward

♪ Onward, Christian soldiers

♪ Marching as to war

♪ With the cross of Jesus going on before

♪ On before

♪ Onward, Christian soldiers

♪ Marching as to war

♪ With the cross of Jesus going on before

♪ On before

♪ Christ the royal Master

♪ Leads against the foe

♪ Forward into battle

♪ See his banners go

♪ Onward, Christian soldiers

♪ Marching as to war

♪ With the cross of Jesus going on before

♪ On before

♪ Like a mighty army

♪ Moves the church of God

♪ Brother, we are treading where the saints have trod

♪ Have trod

♪ We are not divided

♪ All one body we

♪ One in hope and doctrine One in charity

♪ Onward Christian soldiers

♪ Marching as to war

♪ With the cross of Jesus going on before

♪ Onward ♪ Onward

♪ Onward ♪ Onward

♪ Onward ♪ Onward

♪ Onward ♪ Onward

♪ Onward ♪ Onward ♪

Was that happiness? Was that happiness? Was that pure happiness?

Music lovers, and I know you are music lovers,

I'm sure that even He, sitting in his celestial sound booth,

would have heard that and said, "Open thy mouth, judge righteously.

"And plead the cause of the poor and the needy."

In other words, Reverend Holinesses, is it a hit or is it a miss?

Oh, a hit. Yes, most definitely hit.

Excellent.

I think you've been influenced by Count Basie, but excellent.

A trifle noisy, but I think it will serve our purpose excellently.

Yes. Yes, it certainly will.

Mmm-hmm.

Gentlemen,

aren't we in danger of losing our spiritual bearings?

We are in the process of launching Christian Crusade Week.

And the Steven Shorter Management Group

have just agreed to lend us the services of Shorter.

The decline in church attendances, according to poll figures, is such

that by 1990 only the clergy will be coming to church.

This is, of course, a slight exaggeration.

But we do feel the need of something radical being done about the situation.

They seem to have more brains than I gave them credit for.

BISHOP: It's really quite simple.

Steven Shorter has the largest following

in the history of the entertainment business.

We need a larger audience, so we're using Steve's.

And we hope that through him,

many of these followers will return to the Faith.

(WATCH-RADIO PLAYING ONE OF STEVEN'S SONGS)

Would you mind sitting down?

Sorry.

Is it only you on your radio? Can we try another station?

(STATION CHANGING)

(THE SAME SONG PLAYS)

And another?

(SAME STEVEN SHORTER SONG PLAYING)

Do you know, that's the first time I've seen you smile?

Yeah, well, I am human.

I was beginning to wonder.

VANESSA: You're always so tense.

What do you do to relax?

STEVEN: I listen to music.

VANESSA: Always your own?

Yeah.

Do you do anything else?

I mean, if you weren't here now, what would you be doing?

Well, I'd probably be asleep.

At 3:00 in the afternoon?

Yeah. Uh, I usually sleep till about 5:00.

Then I get up and watch the television.

Children's programmes are on then. I like them.

- Are your parents alive? - Yeah.

Steven, have you been really close to anyone?

Yeah, well, Alvin and Julie have…

Oh, come off it, we all know what they're in it for.

Yeah. But I mean, someone's got to

bring me my tea in the mornings, haven't they?

Well, I wouldn't like to see those two standing by my bedside.

(CHUCKLES) I suppose you're right.

Especially Uncle Julie.

INTERVIEWER: Uh, Mr Jordan, what can you tell us about Steven Shorter?

What can I say? It's like father and son.

It's a family relationship. Like, brother to brother.

Well, it's the relationship that counts.

I mean, he is unbelievably adaptable to anything he does.

It's when he calls me Uncle Julie, it's when he confides in me,

it's like, the other day when he said to me,

"Uncle Julie, if ever I have a daughter

"I'd like to see her grow up like your wife Gladys."

Believe me when I tell you, he never gives us any worries at all.

So you've never really been close to anyone?

No.

Well, there was this girl. Once, about a year ago.

She was nice.

But we were on tour at the time, and Alvin

suggested I stop seeing her.

And you did?

Well, yeah.

I mean, you must understand that he is, in every sense of the word,

a gilt-edged investment.

I mean, he is the most important personality

in the entire history of show business.

And therefore, he has to be watched very carefully indeed.

And as I tell him, God has given him something

he hasn't given to anyone in the last 500 years.

He does not belong to himself,

he belongs to the world.

And therefore, he no longer has any right to himself.

VANESSA: Yesterday he brought along a framed picture of Alvin.

One that Alvin wanted to give me…

I think Alvin's got a thing about me, if you know what I mean.

And well, it had been signed something like,

"With me it's not love but happiness."

You know, I thought this was very funny and I laughed.

And then he laughed as well and…

Well…

It was nice.

But then he sort of drew back into himself and it was over.

And that's how it normally is.

It's very difficult to get near him.

Which is why, I suppose,

the painting is…

well, so far, empty.

You may not believe this but a short while back

we counted every hair on his head.

The reason being is that we're marketing a Steven Shorter wig

and we like to guarantee that the placing of every hair is identical.

Another… Another point of interest is

that when we cut Steve's hair, we do not sell this.

I must make a point of this. We do not sell the cut hair.

We donate this to charity.

(AVE MARIA PLAYING ON RECORD PLAYER)

NARRATOR: On August 20th,

the combined churches of Britain and Steven Shorter Enterprises Ltd.

hold a press conference.

All right, now, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Can we have the proper decorum, please?

Gentlemen of the press, can we cool it with the cigars?

Drink plenty of the champagne, it's from the Vatican vineyards.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, you all know about the great events

about to take place next week in the National Stadium.

Freddie, would you come here for a second, please?

Now, this is the poster that will be displayed

in prominent places throughout the country.

(CHUCKLES) Now, do you notice something

a little different about Steve's position?

You do, right? Well, we'll talk about that

and we'll tell you more about that a little later on.

By the way, at the bottom sits the picture of the Reverend Jeremy Tate,

who'll be introduced to you a little later on as well.

Now, you'll notice that the price of the tickets range from

10 shillings to £25,

for those of us who are a little more fortunate.

(ALL LAUGH)

At this time, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce

your friend, my friend, and certainly God's friend,

a honey of a chap and a million laughs, let's welcome the Bishop of Essex.

(ALL CLAPPING)

Thank you.

I feel sure, after such an introduction, that heaven must be round the corner.

Isn't he wild?

Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasant duty

to introduce the brightest star in our clerical firmament,

who will join with Steven Shorter in our great drive for God.

I give you the Reverend Jeremy Tate.

Come along, Jeremy.

REPORTER 1: Is there anything you'd like to tell us

about the Reverend Jeremy Tate?

Yes, he's 35, lives alone, and loves a good day of fishing.

(CROWD LAUGHING)

In holy waters, naturally.

REPORTER 1: Yes, but hasn't the Reverend Jeremy Tate got any views himself?

The church's views and those of the Reverend Jeremy Tate

will be found in the official pamphlet, pages 3 and 4.

REPORTER 2: My Lord, isn't the church using Mr Shorter

for the purpose of gaining converts?

At one time, the church used the methods of the Inquisition to gain converts.

We find Mr Shorter a little less painful.

Don't we, Jeremy?

ALVIN: You thought I was the only one with the answers, eh?

Steve, would you like to come up here for a moment, please?

Steven Shorter.

(CLAPPING)

Now, ladies and gentlemen, as you can see,

this is the first time you have ever seen Steven Shorter

wearing the colour red.

Now, let me make this clear.

Red is the colour that is associated with the release of Steven Shorter,

which will be seen by the public, next week, at the National Stadium.

But naturally, for you fine gentlemen of the press,

we are now holding a sort of pre-release of this release.

Sort of giving him a slight temporary freedom.

Now, here we have the keys to Steven's freedom.

Steve.

There's one.

Here we go. There's two.

Steve, would you hold the hands up? Ladies and gentlemen,

Steven Shorter is released. Steve, hold those hands up.

STEVEN: What…

What would you say if I…

If I say I wanted to…

I wanted to…

stop all this?

ANDREW: Well, I'd say it was unfortunate.

More for us than for you.

You see, I believe you play a very important part

in society, Steven.

How can I explain it to you?

I…

Come with me.

There are millions of people down there.

Millions of little people.

First, we must be quite clear in our minds about one thing.

That the liberal idea, that given enough education

these millions will grow into self-aware, creative human beings

is nothing but an exploded myth.

It can never happen.

They're stunted little creatures,

with primitive emotions that are in themselves dangerous.

They've got to be harnessed, guided.

We've seen this happen over and over again for an evil purpose.

Germany, Russia, China…

But now, we've got a chance to make it work for our own good…

You.

You're our chance, Steven.

They identify with you, they love you.

Steven, you can lead them

into a better way of life.

A fruitful conformity.

Steven, may I say how delighted we all are to have you with us today?

And I'm sure everybody will join me in wishing you every success

for tomorrow night.

I'd… I think I'd…

prefer hot chocolate instead.

You would prefer what, Steven?

I'd like some hot chocolate instead.

You'd like some, too, wouldn't you?

Well…

Um, okay, yes.

You'll join us, Andrew?

Yes, why not?

STEVEN: And everybody else, too?

ANDREW: Yes. Everybody else, too.

Hot chocolate for everyone, please, William.

- Hot chocolate, sir? - Yes, hot chocolate.

I'd prefer the wine, if you don't mind.

ANDREW: (CHUCKLING) Oh, Martin, come. You haven't tasted my chocolate.

It has the most exquisite bouquet.

- Thank you, sir. - Thank you, William.

Martin, can't you see that what Steven did was a protest?

Don't be absurd, Andrew. He had nothing whatever to protest about.

- Oh, Martin… - He was just being extremely tiresome.

It isn't as simple as that.

Now, look, I'm getting sick and tired of people

of people telling me how to do my own job.

You won't have a job to do unless you stop treating him like a machine.

Now, look, Andrew, let's get one thing straight.

He's a sensitive boy and not unintelligent.

In two and a half years, I have brought that boy up from nothing to what he is.

Now, during practically every single day of that two and a half years,

I have watched and moulded Steven.

And I think I'm going to know better than anybody else if that boy

is psychologically disturbed or just being plain bloody-minded…

- What he did today… - Today, he was just being

plain bloody-minded.

What he did today, he did out of desperation.

- Desperation… - Yes, desperation.

I mean, tell me, why don't any of them do anything?

Why don't they stop me? Any of them!

Just one, Butler or somebody! Why?

I mean, they just take it, don't they? They just drink the stuff.

Why doesn't Butler stop me?

They probably thought you had a reason for it, Steve.

- I mean, I thought you had a reason. - Oh, God! Reason, reason…

I don't need a reason. None of them got the guts to say,

"Get stuffed, Steve!" once and for all.

They don't need a reason, they just take it and love it!

We'll drink your marvellous hot chocolate with our lobster.

And love it! Marvellous! None of them says no!

Some of them didn't want to do it.

STEVEN: All right, so some of them didn't want to do it.

But every single one of them did it, didn't they? Not one refused.

You didn't even stand up and refuse to do it.

I mean, you're just the same as the rest of them. You drank the bloody stuff!

- What about you? - What?

- You never say no, do you? - What?

I've never heard you say no to anyone. Not Alvin, Butler, Crossley, anyone.

I mean, I know nobody ever says no any more, I know that!

But who do you think made this happen? Who's responsible?

What made it happen? You did!

How am I responsible? What's so special about me?

Steve, people admire you. I admire you, Butler admires you.

They look up to you. You represent something very important to them.

What do you mean, "represent"? Tell me, what do I represent?

NARRATOR: September 10th, the National Stadium, in London.

(MEN CHATTERING)

(CHEERLEADERS CHEERING)

(PEOPLE CLAPPING)

BOY: I can't reach it.

I can't reach it!

- There. Now can you reach it? - Yes.

May…

Mmm. May the…

May the love of God be always with you. Amen.

(CROWD CHEERING)

NARRATOR: What you are now watching,

is the largest staging of nationalism in the history of Great Britain.

Now is the beginning of Christian Crusade Week.

And praise be to God.

NARRATOR: Led by a section of the Durham Queen's Scouts,

detachments of Christian bodies from all over the country

pulse with ear-tingling music and breathless precision

into an unequalled expression of national solidarity.

(BAND PLAYING)

We calculate that the gate money from each of these performances

will gross, on average, approximately £135,000.

NARRATOR: The coalition government of Britain,

formed because of the complete lack of difference between the policies

of the Conservative and Labour Parties,

has given both its blessing and a state subsidy

to the mounting of Christian Crusade Week.

Because as the official pamphlet states,

"We need no longer have any disturbing political differences

"when we are all of one faith and believe in one God and one flag."

(MUSIC STOPS)

This black card will be issued to you

as you leave the stadium tonight.

On it, there are three words.

They are simple words, but they are vital words.

They are words which we must now, all of us, begin using.

Because since the end of the war, we in Britain

have become apathetic, slack, loose in our morality.

National cohesion has become unimportant to us!

We must fight this! We must!

Now, all of us begin to use the words on the card.

We will conform! Those are the words.

We will conform! And when I say the word "conform",

I want all of you to shout in one clear voice in reply.

We will conform!

Now, conform.

CROWD: We will conform!

And above all,

we must follow the example of a young man,

who found repentance, who found faith, who found God.

Who found all of these things. Who found the Word.

And now, he's here with you tonight.

To our shining example…

To the light…

To the path…

To the way…

(CROWD CHEERING)

♪ And did those feet

♪ In ancient times

♪ Walk upon England's mountains green?

♪ And was the holy

♪ Lamb of God

♪ On England's pleasant pastures seen?

♪ And did the Countenance Divine

♪ Shine forth upon

♪ A clouded hill?

♪ And was Jerusalem

♪ Builded here

♪ Among these dark satanic mills?

♪ Bring me my bow

♪ Of burning gold!

♪ Bring me my arrows of desire!

♪ Bring me my spear!

♪ O clouds, unfold!

♪ Bring me my chariot of fire!

♪ I will not cease

♪ From mental fight

♪ Nor shall my sword

♪ Sleep in my hand

♪ Till we have built Jerusalem

♪ In England's green and pleasant land ♪

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

ALVIN: Now, it has been suggested that Steve's song,

which was specially written for this occasion,

may have certain auto-suggestive qualities to it,

from which the sick may derive some internal benefit.

Uh, therefore, those less fortunate than us

will be brought before Steve in invalid chairs,

uh, which we shall be providing if I may say, free of charge.

♪ I see it all before me

♪ My past of restless wander

♪ An evil heart within me

♪ An evil hand to hold

♪ But in my hour of darkness

♪ A sun began to shine

♪ A sweeping spirit moved me

♪ A shining light was mine

♪ I see a pasture

♪ All green and gold

♪ A shepherd walking

♪ So brave and bold

♪ A congregation

♪ All on their knees

♪ His arms outstretching

♪ To you and me

♪ You and me

♪ We need his hand to guide us

♪ Along this chosen road

♪ We need his love to save us

♪ And bear our heavy load

♪ His pain was not for nothing

♪ His tears were not in vain

♪ What can a man believe in

♪ If not in Jesus' name

♪ I see a chapel

♪ High in the sky

♪ Someone is waiting

♪ A tear in his eye

♪ I see him calling

♪ I see him smile

♪ And in his arms

♪ A little child

♪ His door is open

♪ To everyone

♪ I kneel, kneel before him

♪ My time has come

♪ Oh, Father, Father

♪ Your children call

♪ Descend, O, Mother

♪ Forgive, forgive us all

♪ Forgive us all ♪

NARRATOR: In one evening in the National Stadium,

forty-nine thousand people gave themselves to God and flag.

Through Steven Shorter.

TATE: Conform!

CROWD: We will conform!

TATE: And above all

we must follow the example of a young man,

who found repentance, who found faith, who found God.

Who found all of these things. Who found the Word.

And now, he's here with you tonight.

To our shining example…

To the light…

To the path…

To the way…

(CROWD CHEERING)

What does he think?

What does he think I am? A…

Steve…

You could stop all this now.

And I want you to.

Why?

Oh, I'm… I'm not asking you to feel anything for me.

It's not that at all. It's just that…

(SNIFFLING)

I think you must… You must go away somewhere.

You really need to. Honestly.

My parents have got this place in the country,

and they're away at the moment and…

I think we should go there.

What did you say?

(VOICE BREAKING) What did you say?

I said I think we should go away.

Oh, yeah.

Like everybody,

you want something. I mean it's obvious

what you want, isn't it?

(WHIMPERS)

(SOBBING)

Oh, Steven!

I know it's not easy.

VANESSA: I can't stay here. We must go.

Oh!

Do you want to come?

What is it?

Steve, let me see.

Steve,

take your shirt off.

Come on.

Oh, God.

Steve, how long have you been like this?

I thought your act was only pretending.

Steve, you've got to stop this.

You must stop it now.

Steve,

what is it you want?

(STEVEN SOBBING)

What do you want?

I then found out he was seeing this girl, er, secretly.

And I say secretly, otherwise I would have known.

Now, uh,

yeah, I was about to break it up.

But I said to myself, "Wait.

"Isn't he entitled to something?

"I mean, he gives of himself so much.

"I mean, isn't he entitled to his own small corner of the world?"

But I guess in this deal, there're… Just there're no small corners.

What would you say if…

If I asked you to marry me?

Steve, it wouldn't work.

Look, listen.

I'm very selfish probably when I say this,

but it could only be on my terms.

Come here.

I'm a very private person.

I'm very possessive.

We'd never be alone together,

not really alone.

NARRATOR: September 25th,

the Federated Records award giving dinner in London.

REPORTER: Uh, Miss Ritchie…

Um…

Is there anything you'd like to say

concerning Steve's recent stadium appearance?

No, I've got nothing to say.

- REPORTER: Nothing at all? - No.

REPORTER: Well, what do you think about tonight's award?

I think it's very remarkable.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Thank you.

Now, this is the moment you all have been waiting for.

What else can I say but Steven Shorter!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Now, a little known fact, concerning the gentleman

about to make the presentation this evening,

is that before becoming a director of Federated Records,

Leo Stanley was a song writer.

Now, I don't want to say that his songs were bad,

but we had to rewrite them before he could throw them away.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

So at this time, won't you join me in welcoming

the darling of the wax world, Leo Stanley!

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

MAN: Hey!

Lords, ladies, gentleman

and Steven Shorter.

I think I speak for you all when I say,

Steve, we are all your fans!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

What we…

What we have here

is but a small token of our respect, admiration and gratitude.

In the last three years,

you've given great pleasure to an overwhelming number of people.

And really, what more can I say but thank you, Steven Shorter.

You are more than an artist.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

"From…

"From the staff and executives of Federated Records

"and its overseas subsidiaries,

"in Germany, France, Italy, Japan, United States,

"to our platinum boy."

(CROWD CHEERING)

Me…

Me…

You…

worship me as if I were…

As if I were a sort of God!

But I…

I'm someone.

I'm a person.

I'm a person.

I'm a person. I'm a person.

NARRATOR: When asked the reason for his overwhelming popularity,

93.5% of the population of the British Isles

said that they loved Steven Shorter because he so generously and willingly

shared himself with everyone.

I am nothing.

This is me.

Nothing.

You.

And this is you.

Because you've made me nothing.

And I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

I hate you.

(RECORD PLAYING)

♪ Forgive us all

♪ Forgive us all ♪

(MUSIC DIES DOWN AND STOPS)

(ALL CLAMOURING)

ALVIN: All right, now get back! Move out. I said move out!

Now, can we keep back, please? Can we keep back, please?

(ALVIN SHOUTING)

Make them move back, please? Can we clear the hall…

NARRATOR: All that Steven Shorter has just done

has been to express the wish to become an individual.

But that, in an age of conformity,

can become a social problem.

ALVIN: Can we please clear this hallway?

Can we get someone here to clear this hallway?

Can we please clear this hallway?

Alvin, out, please, thank you. Get them out, Alvin!

I've had a hell of a row in the office!

Just had Butler on the telephone.

You're gonna make a statement tomorrow.

Come on. Tell me what you're going to do.

You were the clever little boy!

Half an hour earlier, you were making all the smart remarks.

- Tell me what you're going to do. - Leave him alone.

MARTIN: Why did you do it?

What do you think you are, a bloody preacher?

Have you had a call? Have you had a vision?

Why don't you leave him alone? You've done enough damage already!

MARTIN: No, don't talk to me about damage!

You've done more damage than is possible to estimate!

You've put more moronic thoughts into this boy's mind, it's incredible!

It's impossible to estimate how great the damage is!

You pleased, are you? You pleased? Yes, I thought you would be.

I had an idea! You've done such a good job! Marvellous!

(MEN CHATTERING)

MARTIN: Alvin, I've told you to get those men out of this room!

MARTIN: Alvin! Get them out! ALVIN: They're like animals.

Get them bloody well out of this room!

NEWS REPORTER: It's now about 11:30 a.m.,

and we're outside Steven Shorter Television Station Number Three

situated in a suburb near London.

Late yesterday night, a statement was issued

by the Steven Shorter Management Group to the effect that

Steven Shorter would make a special television appearance today

to explain the statement he made during yesterday's banquet.

The crowd are very angry here today because…

Please, keep your distance!

(CROWD CLAMOURING)

NARRATOR: On September 26th, with public endorsement,

Steven Shorter is barred from this and any further appearance on television,

just to ensure that he does not again misuse his position of privilege

to disturb the public peace of mind.

(SIREN WAILING)

The public knows what it feels.

Its love for Steven has turned to hate,

that we must accept like an act of God.

INTERVIEWER: What about your business interests in Steven Shorter?

I'll sever my connections with Steven Shorter Enterprises.

INTERVIEWER: Do you not feel that's rather abrupt?

No, not at all.

My main responsibility is to my investors,

and I think it'd be quite wrong to keep their money

in a concern that I now consider to be a bad investment.

INTERVIEWER: Mr Butler, do you think it's possible that

Steven Shorter could ever win back his popularity?

I don't think so.

Perhaps, in time to come, after he's dead,

he may be remembered with affectionate nostalgia.

NARRATOR: Within about a year,

all that remained of Steven Shorter were a few old records,

and a piece of archive film,

with the sound, of course, removed.

It's going to be a happy year in Britain,

this year, in the near future.

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ And did those feet

♪ In ancient times

♪ Walk upon England's mountains green?

♪ And was the holy

♪ Lamb of God

♪ On England's pleasant pastures seen?

♪ And did the Countenance Divine

♪ Shine forth upon

♪ A clouded hill?

♪ And was Jerusalem

♪ Builded here

♪ Among those dark satanic mills?