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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:15,270 --> 00:00:16,650 I like how things aren't weird between us. 2 00:00:16,690 --> 00:00:18,960 Right? 'Cause if somebody walked in here and saw us, 3 00:00:18,980 --> 00:00:21,990 they'd be, like, "Look at those two totally normal roommates. 4 00:00:22,020 --> 00:00:24,180 I bet they never sucked face." But we did. You sucked my face. 5 00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,120 I sucked your face. 6 00:00:25,150 --> 00:00:26,290 - You did. - Who cares? 7 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,480 - You totally sucked my face. - Sorry that I touched your hand there. 8 00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,060 - It was accidental. Like, who acc...? - Yeah. I mean, which is cool, 9 00:00:30,080 --> 00:00:31,470 'cause that's the thing. It's, like, we're just roommates. 10 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:33,690 - Who cares? I totally agree. Yes. - We're just cool. You know what I mean? 11 00:00:33,710 --> 00:00:36,550 Let's reward ourselves, 'cause we're doing so well. 12 00:00:36,650 --> 00:00:38,910 Table for two, fanciest restaurant in town. 13 00:00:38,930 --> 00:00:41,400 Yeah, and then we could have sex. 14 00:00:43,760 --> 00:00:46,270 - Just joking, I was just jok-- I was just joking. - Yeah, no, I know it was a joke. 15 00:00:46,410 --> 00:00:49,430 Spot. There's-There's a parking spot. 16 00:00:51,740 --> 00:00:53,210 I just finished rinsing out the Dumpster, 17 00:00:53,250 --> 00:00:56,320 and while I was buffing the backside, I found this-- 18 00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:57,800 4D. 19 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,200 So, who gets the spot? 20 00:00:59,240 --> 00:01:00,470 - Me. - You know what? I never get anything. 21 00:01:00,490 --> 00:01:01,600 - I would like it. - I need a win. 22 00:01:04,920 --> 00:01:07,260 Give me the spot, or I'll kill you all! 23 00:01:09,710 --> 00:01:11,140 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ 24 00:01:11,160 --> 00:01:13,510 ♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪ 25 00:01:13,540 --> 00:01:17,200 Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com Resync for WEB-DL by Norther 26 00:01:17,920 --> 00:01:19,480 I park under an overpass. 27 00:01:19,490 --> 00:01:20,860 Guys, guys, guys, guys. 28 00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:22,290 We all have crappy parking. 29 00:01:22,310 --> 00:01:26,040 Guys, why don't we just all share the spot? 30 00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:28,580 We'll each get it for a day and a half every week, 31 00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:31,090 and then we split Sunday into six-hour shifts. 32 00:01:31,100 --> 00:01:34,190 Does it say "Share stuff" in the Constitution of America? 33 00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:36,710 No, it does not. Nicholas, what does it say? 34 00:01:36,750 --> 00:01:37,620 Don't share stuff. 35 00:01:37,640 --> 00:01:39,640 No one deserves that spot more than I do. 36 00:01:39,660 --> 00:01:44,320 You know? 'Cause Lord knows, I've done my fair... share of... 37 00:01:44,490 --> 00:01:46,680 spotworthy things. 38 00:01:46,710 --> 00:01:47,850 What are you doing? 39 00:01:47,870 --> 00:01:50,380 I'm sorry. Daisy travels so much, and I work at night, so, 40 00:01:50,390 --> 00:01:53,720 you know, our sex window is... like... 41 00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:57,360 I've lived in this loft as long, if not longer, than anyone. 42 00:01:57,390 --> 00:02:00,010 I have the crummiest room, I'm on 24-hour grout watch. 43 00:02:00,710 --> 00:02:02,730 I pay the lion's share of the utilities, do I not? 44 00:02:02,750 --> 00:02:05,130 - I refuse to pay for the wiffi. - It's WiFi. 45 00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:07,270 I didn't even have to tell you guys about the spot. 46 00:02:07,550 --> 00:02:09,880 Why did I tell you guys about the spot? Oh, damn it! 47 00:02:09,910 --> 00:02:11,310 I'm the dumbest boy in school! 48 00:02:11,330 --> 00:02:14,510 - As the only woman in the loft... - Don't play the lady card. 49 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:16,180 - I will play the lady card. - Race card. 50 00:02:16,200 --> 00:02:17,230 Lazy drunk card. 51 00:02:17,270 --> 00:02:19,580 Deserves-the-spot card. 52 00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:22,320 Do I not, every day, have to deal with Outside Dave? 53 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:25,760 Dave? I have to use my car now, Dave. 54 00:02:25,820 --> 00:02:29,930 I work so hard, I just want some sleep! 55 00:02:31,600 --> 00:02:33,860 Dave, I'm gonna go get some coffee. 56 00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:36,710 Um, can I get you anything? 57 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:39,150 2% latte. 58 00:02:39,480 --> 00:02:42,230 He throws dentures at me, he doesn't like cookies. 59 00:02:42,240 --> 00:02:44,910 Because I believe so strongly in women's equality, 60 00:02:44,920 --> 00:02:46,480 I refuse to give you preferential treatment. 61 00:02:46,510 --> 00:02:48,560 Well, that's really cool, Schmidt. I really... 62 00:02:48,640 --> 00:02:49,720 Wait a minute. 63 00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:50,400 Oh. 64 00:02:50,450 --> 00:02:51,900 Sex window. 65 00:02:51,940 --> 00:02:53,880 Now, if you all will excuse me, 66 00:02:53,930 --> 00:02:57,580 I am about to go and park my car on her parking spot. 67 00:02:57,610 --> 00:03:00,650 - Ew. Ew! Get out. - As if there was anything more important than this. 68 00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:02,460 - I still want the spot, though. - Obviously not getting the spot. 69 00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,760 And then there were three. 70 00:03:03,780 --> 00:03:06,420 That's right. Just the way I want it. 71 00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:21,610 Come on! It's a good job, guys. 72 00:03:21,620 --> 00:03:24,340 Yes! How do you two care about stuff so much? 73 00:03:24,370 --> 00:03:26,170 Well, you know what this means, Jessica, don't you? 74 00:03:26,190 --> 00:03:28,060 Nicholas Miller is now a swing vote. 75 00:03:28,080 --> 00:03:29,370 - What? No! - He's right, 'cause we're 76 00:03:29,380 --> 00:03:32,480 both voting for ourselves, so that makes you the decider. 77 00:03:32,510 --> 00:03:33,790 You two are on your own. I'm out. 78 00:03:33,820 --> 00:03:35,100 You can't escape destiny. 79 00:03:35,110 --> 00:03:37,880 She comes for us all, that relentless bitch. 80 00:03:38,530 --> 00:03:40,980 That's right. Destiny's a lady. 81 00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:43,640 Destiny might be a lady, but victory has a penis. 82 00:03:43,670 --> 00:03:46,070 Direct quote-- Scott Caan. 83 00:03:48,530 --> 00:03:50,050 Yup. 84 00:03:51,860 --> 00:03:53,090 Hey. 85 00:03:53,220 --> 00:03:55,060 I found one of your hoodies, 86 00:03:55,710 --> 00:03:57,070 and I borrowed it. 87 00:03:57,330 --> 00:04:00,660 You want to know what I'm wearing underneath this shirt? 88 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:03,820 - Yeah, sure. - An invisible shirt. 89 00:04:03,850 --> 00:04:07,580 - I'm confused, Jess. - These are so long. Oh. 90 00:04:09,280 --> 00:04:10,470 I wouldn't put that in your mouth. 91 00:04:10,470 --> 00:04:11,780 - Do you chew on this? - I do. 92 00:04:11,790 --> 00:04:13,850 Mmm. You do, huh? 93 00:04:14,260 --> 00:04:16,060 It's crunchy. 94 00:04:16,250 --> 00:04:18,440 - Oh. - You get hit in the head or something? 95 00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:20,930 - Hmm? - Are you flirting with me to get the spot? 96 00:04:20,940 --> 00:04:24,280 How dare you accuse me of that. 97 00:04:24,340 --> 00:04:26,440 - The parking spot is yours. - Really? 98 00:04:26,770 --> 00:04:28,790 - Yeah. - Thanks, Nick. That's so cool of you. 99 00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:32,080 Sometimes I can be a gentleman, believe it or not. 100 00:04:32,130 --> 00:04:33,430 - Cool. - Cool. All right. 101 00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,340 - Well, thank you. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 102 00:04:35,430 --> 00:04:37,140 Get in here. Yeah, we can... 103 00:04:37,160 --> 00:04:39,230 Let's hug this out. 104 00:04:39,240 --> 00:04:40,430 Purple nurple! 105 00:04:40,450 --> 00:04:42,120 Thank you. 106 00:04:42,130 --> 00:04:45,030 - I don't know why I did that. I'll get ice. - Why did you do that? 107 00:04:48,090 --> 00:04:49,920 Oh, finally. What took you so long? 108 00:04:49,940 --> 00:04:51,560 I said 2:45, not 3:08. 109 00:04:51,570 --> 00:04:52,750 I couldn't follow your directions. 110 00:04:52,780 --> 00:04:54,490 I'm telling you, girl, this complex is like a maze. 111 00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,240 Every building in this place looks exactly the same. 112 00:04:57,310 --> 00:04:58,460 And for future reference, 113 00:04:58,500 --> 00:05:00,240 I'm more of a left-right kind of guy, not so much 114 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:02,410 - a north-south kind of guy. - Put on a condom. 115 00:05:03,710 --> 00:05:05,860 Hmm... I don't, uh... 116 00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:07,130 You forgot a condom? 117 00:05:07,160 --> 00:05:08,480 - You got a grocery bag? - No. 118 00:05:08,510 --> 00:05:09,410 - Tin foil? - No. 119 00:05:09,430 --> 00:05:10,500 - Hand sanitizer? - No. 120 00:05:10,520 --> 00:05:11,850 You got a shower cap and a twist tie? 121 00:05:11,880 --> 00:05:14,040 You didn't bring the one thing we need to have sex? 122 00:05:14,060 --> 00:05:16,120 - What about a baseball cap that's really small? - Are you serious? 123 00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:17,830 Um, I got quick reflexes. 124 00:05:19,510 --> 00:05:21,810 Mm, I'm gonna take care of this, okay? 125 00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:24,120 Okay, well, look, do not waste my time. 126 00:05:24,150 --> 00:05:25,870 I will be back faster than you can say, 127 00:05:25,910 --> 00:05:28,780 "Damn, Winston, I took care of myself already." 128 00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:30,470 Don't-don't say that, though. 129 00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:33,000 Do not... Wait for me. Wait... 130 00:05:34,770 --> 00:05:36,640 Who wants an ice-cold Heisler, 131 00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:39,380 all dressed up in a frosty mug? 132 00:05:39,420 --> 00:05:41,920 - Sure. I like beer. - I know you haven't officially decided 133 00:05:41,940 --> 00:05:45,270 on the spot yet, but I just wanted to say, thanks, man. 134 00:05:46,330 --> 00:05:47,320 What for, Schmidt? 135 00:05:47,340 --> 00:05:49,360 We both know that you're gonna give the spot to me, 136 00:05:49,380 --> 00:05:51,150 but I love that you're keeping up the charade. 137 00:05:51,170 --> 00:05:52,990 Spot's going to Jess. Jess. - Jess? 138 00:05:53,000 --> 00:05:55,220 - Give me the beer back. - I'm trying to be a gentleman. 139 00:05:55,380 --> 00:05:57,190 Hey, Schmidt. Hey, Nick. 140 00:05:57,210 --> 00:05:58,830 Oh. 141 00:05:59,550 --> 00:06:01,540 - How you doing? - Good. How are you? 142 00:06:01,540 --> 00:06:03,220 Good. 143 00:06:12,170 --> 00:06:14,140 - What the hell? - Hmm? 144 00:06:14,240 --> 00:06:15,730 What... the hell? 145 00:06:15,750 --> 00:06:18,900 - I'm checking my e-mails. - Oh. Okay. 146 00:06:20,280 --> 00:06:23,870 Think that I'm blind? Think I can't smell it? 147 00:06:24,360 --> 00:06:26,360 You think I can't hear it? 148 00:06:26,810 --> 00:06:30,570 The stench of filth and lust is all over this room. 149 00:06:31,130 --> 00:06:33,430 Smells like freaking Tijuana. 150 00:06:34,150 --> 00:06:35,440 What... 151 00:06:36,120 --> 00:06:36,920 happened here? 152 00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:38,400 - Nothing. - Hardly anything. 153 00:06:38,420 --> 00:06:39,530 Hardly anything?! 154 00:06:39,560 --> 00:06:40,980 You know I'm not good at this, Jess. 155 00:06:40,990 --> 00:06:43,140 Shut up. Okay, fine. 156 00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:45,940 We kissed. Eh. 157 00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:48,920 It was nothing. So? Uh, moving on. 158 00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:53,290 Don't be weird about this, Schmidt. 159 00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:55,190 Remember... I mean, it was like a dare, basically. 160 00:06:55,220 --> 00:06:58,190 - Yeah. - Mazel... tov 161 00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,250 to the both of you. 162 00:07:02,350 --> 00:07:05,870 Well, I don't know what "Mazel tov" means, but it doesn't sound good. 163 00:07:09,270 --> 00:07:10,640 Excuse me, excuse me, sorry about that. 164 00:07:10,660 --> 00:07:12,250 Emergency. Emergency. Sorry about that. 165 00:07:12,560 --> 00:07:14,030 I need a condom. 166 00:07:15,120 --> 00:07:17,300 - That'll be $8.75. - All right. 167 00:07:19,010 --> 00:07:21,400 What the hell? What the...? 168 00:07:21,490 --> 00:07:23,590 Damn it, took Daisy's pants. 169 00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:25,280 Look, I don't have any money right now, 170 00:07:25,290 --> 00:07:26,890 but, you know, I have somebody waiting for me, 171 00:07:26,910 --> 00:07:28,580 so if you could just, you know? 172 00:07:28,770 --> 00:07:30,470 - Next. - Wait. No. No, no, no, no. 173 00:07:30,490 --> 00:07:33,160 Uh, look, what about that box of condoms right there, man? 174 00:07:33,180 --> 00:07:34,680 They're practically open, right? 175 00:07:34,730 --> 00:07:36,830 How about you just slide one out and throw a brother a loosie? 176 00:07:36,880 --> 00:07:38,180 Next. 177 00:07:38,380 --> 00:07:39,780 Come on. 178 00:07:40,850 --> 00:07:42,080 Hey, everybody. 179 00:07:42,230 --> 00:07:43,220 What's up? 180 00:07:43,270 --> 00:07:44,910 My name is Winston Bishop, 181 00:07:45,060 --> 00:07:48,580 and I am in desperate need... of a condom. 182 00:07:48,620 --> 00:07:50,580 - Okay, that's it. - Now hear me out. 183 00:07:50,600 --> 00:07:52,500 - Okay? Okay. - Come on. Sorry, folks. 184 00:07:52,820 --> 00:07:54,140 Hey, Schmidt? 185 00:07:56,440 --> 00:07:58,810 Hello, Schmidt? You okay? 186 00:07:59,020 --> 00:08:00,090 - Who? Me? - Yeah. 187 00:08:00,120 --> 00:08:01,650 Yeah, look, guys, I'm fine. 188 00:08:01,670 --> 00:08:05,040 Look, I admit, at first I was thrown, but I'm fine. 189 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,960 Are you seriously doing this?! 190 00:08:07,070 --> 00:08:09,030 I can't believe this! This is so dumb! 191 00:08:09,060 --> 00:08:10,030 I'm sorry. 192 00:08:10,050 --> 00:08:12,670 I'm just... I'm trying to process this whole thing. 193 00:08:12,710 --> 00:08:15,250 Nick, you're my best friend, and you should have told me. 194 00:08:15,280 --> 00:08:17,360 And Jess, what do you think? Mono is just some sort of joke? 195 00:08:17,390 --> 00:08:18,860 Nothing has changed. 196 00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:21,200 Like same old, same old. 197 00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:23,870 Except for the fact that, uh, 198 00:08:23,890 --> 00:08:26,920 pre-kiss Jess didn't have a parking spot. 199 00:08:27,130 --> 00:08:29,590 Post-kiss Jess does. 200 00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,070 Sounds... like... change. 201 00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,970 I won the spot fair and square, Schmidt. 202 00:08:34,980 --> 00:08:36,690 Did you, though? I wouldn't say fair and square. 203 00:08:37,850 --> 00:08:39,440 All right. Fine. 204 00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,090 I used my body. Is that what you want to hear? 205 00:08:42,250 --> 00:08:45,400 I shook what the good people of Oregon gave me, 206 00:08:45,470 --> 00:08:47,350 and I got a parking space. 207 00:08:47,440 --> 00:08:50,810 Let me tell you something, Nicholas Miller. 208 00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,900 You know, had Winston kissed me, 209 00:08:52,930 --> 00:08:54,430 you're the first person I would have told! 210 00:08:54,450 --> 00:08:56,070 I know you would have told me if Winston kissed you. 211 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:59,520 But I guess your loyalty lies elsewhere. 212 00:09:00,350 --> 00:09:02,590 I can't handle this! 213 00:09:03,320 --> 00:09:05,270 Fine. Schmidt, congratulations. 214 00:09:05,300 --> 00:09:07,000 - The spot is yours. - Okay. Really. 215 00:09:07,030 --> 00:09:08,100 - What?! - It's him. 216 00:09:08,120 --> 00:09:09,630 Nick Miller, you weakling. 217 00:09:09,660 --> 00:09:12,430 I can't have people thinking my decision wasn't above board. 218 00:09:12,460 --> 00:09:13,910 This city can't have another scandal! 219 00:09:13,930 --> 00:09:15,170 - Wise choice. - Thanks. 220 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:17,010 He's been manipulating you the whole time. 221 00:09:17,030 --> 00:09:18,490 - Look at him. - I don't think... 222 00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:21,490 Look at his smi-- he's smiling evilly. 223 00:09:21,510 --> 00:09:22,630 You know what, Jess? Stop. 224 00:09:22,650 --> 00:09:24,730 You're manipulating me, he's manipulating me, 225 00:09:24,740 --> 00:09:26,300 and I'm getting confused. 226 00:09:26,400 --> 00:09:29,140 I am the decider of us three! 227 00:09:29,170 --> 00:09:31,100 I decide! 228 00:09:31,350 --> 00:09:32,780 Let the decider decide! 229 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:34,690 I am not the suggester! 230 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:37,420 I'm not having a good time with this game. 231 00:09:38,290 --> 00:09:40,170 Give my regards to Outside Dave. 232 00:09:40,210 --> 00:09:42,140 Stay away from my space... 233 00:09:42,350 --> 00:09:44,310 or you'll have this to deal with. 234 00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:46,780 S... 235 00:09:46,870 --> 00:09:48,820 Where are your nipples, man? 236 00:09:51,050 --> 00:09:52,920 I'll never tell. 237 00:09:57,010 --> 00:10:00,240 You're either gonna break your finger, or you're gonna break that button. 238 00:10:00,280 --> 00:10:01,820 I'm not going back in there. It's too weird. 239 00:10:01,850 --> 00:10:04,010 You're the one making it weird, Nick. 240 00:10:04,380 --> 00:10:05,820 You want weird? I'll give you weird. 241 00:10:05,830 --> 00:10:07,600 Weird, weird, weird. 242 00:10:07,970 --> 00:10:10,840 Fine. Weirder, weirder, weirder. 243 00:10:13,110 --> 00:10:16,000 Weird, weird, weird. 244 00:10:16,060 --> 00:10:18,280 Uh, weird, right, ugh. 245 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:19,930 Weird. 246 00:10:19,970 --> 00:10:21,210 - Weird. - Weird. 247 00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,650 - Weird, weirder, weird. - Weird, weird. 248 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,130 - Weird, weird. - Weird. 249 00:10:24,150 --> 00:10:25,750 - Weird! Weird. Weird! - What are we doing?! 250 00:10:25,760 --> 00:10:28,040 I don't know! You started it! 251 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:32,520 - Is this how it's gonna be? Is it? - What are we talking about, Jess? 252 00:10:32,530 --> 00:10:35,410 You think things like this aren't gonna come up all the time? 253 00:10:35,460 --> 00:10:37,490 We need a long-term solution. 254 00:10:38,110 --> 00:10:40,010 I'll give you a long-term solution. 255 00:10:42,360 --> 00:10:44,000 I'm taking the spot! 256 00:10:44,050 --> 00:10:45,560 Oh, my God. 257 00:10:46,350 --> 00:10:47,620 What is all the commotion? 258 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:49,240 - He's taking the spot! - He can't do that! 259 00:10:49,260 --> 00:10:51,140 Kill him, kill him-- you said you'd kill him! 260 00:10:51,170 --> 00:10:53,340 - Now kill him! Now's your chance! - Oh, for heaven's sakes. 261 00:10:53,480 --> 00:10:55,470 First car in the spot gets it. 262 00:10:55,560 --> 00:10:56,200 Aah! 263 00:11:03,670 --> 00:11:04,840 Aw, damn it! 264 00:11:05,130 --> 00:11:06,450 You middled me again?! 265 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,800 I'm not to be middled; It's in my contract. 266 00:11:08,990 --> 00:11:10,280 Shoot! 267 00:11:10,430 --> 00:11:12,100 Excuse me. Aah! 268 00:11:13,610 --> 00:11:16,490 Hey, five bucks if you help me fold this nicely. 269 00:11:16,570 --> 00:11:19,340 I'm not going above six, so don't negotiate with me. 270 00:11:19,560 --> 00:11:21,130 Aah! 271 00:11:21,300 --> 00:11:23,000 Go, go, sorry, go. 272 00:11:23,170 --> 00:11:26,180 Oh, I'm sorry, I-- okay, sorry, go. 273 00:11:28,060 --> 00:11:30,290 Move it, you wacky bitch! 274 00:11:32,280 --> 00:11:34,170 It won't start. 275 00:11:35,430 --> 00:11:37,060 Help me push it! 276 00:11:38,790 --> 00:11:40,180 Get behind it. 277 00:11:40,510 --> 00:11:43,440 Back in the box! 278 00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:47,050 Aw, cats. 279 00:11:47,140 --> 00:11:49,270 Hey, hey, buddy. 280 00:11:53,280 --> 00:11:54,580 What? 281 00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:56,590 Mine. 282 00:11:56,610 --> 00:11:58,440 The laws of parking require a vehicle. 283 00:11:58,470 --> 00:11:59,830 This is my vehicle. 284 00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,500 This is my vehicle. 285 00:12:01,760 --> 00:12:02,570 Don't. 286 00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:04,200 Don't you do it, Schmidt. 287 00:12:04,210 --> 00:12:05,320 I'm not afraid. 288 00:12:05,340 --> 00:12:06,750 Schmidt, no. 289 00:12:09,470 --> 00:12:10,900 - You just hit me. - Damn right I did. 290 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:13,850 - You're sitting right in the middle of the spot. - You hit me with your car 291 00:12:13,870 --> 00:12:15,620 over a parking spot, Schmidt. 292 00:12:15,630 --> 00:12:16,830 Get out of the spot! 293 00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:19,510 - Jess. - Move or I will hit you. 294 00:12:19,530 --> 00:12:20,410 I want that spot. 295 00:12:20,430 --> 00:12:21,520 - No. - Have you lost your mind? 296 00:12:21,540 --> 00:12:23,060 - Not a joke, move, move. - No. 297 00:12:23,080 --> 00:12:24,360 - What are you doing, Jess? - Move, move. 298 00:12:24,390 --> 00:12:25,460 Jess, stop it. 299 00:12:25,490 --> 00:12:27,550 What are you doing? Stop the car, you lunatic. She's insane. 300 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,700 - No-- oh! - O-h! 301 00:12:29,980 --> 00:12:32,580 No, no! 302 00:12:32,610 --> 00:12:34,690 - What is she doing? - What is going on? 303 00:12:34,710 --> 00:12:36,460 Can't believe I'm going down like this. 304 00:12:36,990 --> 00:12:38,380 You're not in the space! 305 00:12:40,610 --> 00:12:42,460 Okay, all right, mine, mine, I'm not leaving. 306 00:12:42,480 --> 00:12:44,880 - I'm not leaving either. - I have a purse full of hard candy 307 00:12:44,900 --> 00:12:46,370 and an empty bladder. 308 00:12:46,480 --> 00:12:47,700 I'm here all night, folks. 309 00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:49,750 - I'm here all night. - I'm here all night. 310 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:51,930 - I'm here all night. - I-- that's what I said. 311 00:12:54,280 --> 00:12:56,200 I'm really happy you gave me another shot. 312 00:12:56,230 --> 00:12:57,780 Yeah, so am I. 313 00:12:57,880 --> 00:13:00,140 You know, you, you can't judge someone based on their friends. 314 00:13:00,150 --> 00:13:02,410 No, and I feel like, if you gave them another chance, 315 00:13:02,430 --> 00:13:03,490 you'd really like them. 316 00:13:03,510 --> 00:13:07,260 - They are down to earth and chill, no drama. - Yeah? 317 00:13:07,290 --> 00:13:08,890 Hey, Cece, 318 00:13:08,910 --> 00:13:10,220 it's Winston! 319 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,350 You got a rubber?! 320 00:13:11,370 --> 00:13:12,940 I need a rubber. 321 00:13:14,500 --> 00:13:17,150 He said "rhubarb," that's how he pronounces "rhubarb" 322 00:13:17,170 --> 00:13:20,590 - It's so weird. - Nah, nah, I-I need a condom 323 00:13:20,810 --> 00:13:22,680 for my penis! 324 00:13:23,150 --> 00:13:24,710 What are you doing? 325 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,210 Okay, we're not close enough for this. 326 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,230 Alright, we have spent very little time together. 327 00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:30,690 You are the only person that I know in this neighborhood. 328 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:32,250 Don't you dare come in my house. 329 00:13:32,270 --> 00:13:33,780 Hey, man, hey. 330 00:13:33,810 --> 00:13:35,590 Hey. I'm Winston, good to see you again. 331 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,520 - Shivrang, Hi. - You got a condom on you? 332 00:13:37,550 --> 00:13:39,890 Oh, no, no, look that's not, We're, um... 333 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,520 Her mother and my mother... 334 00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,830 I'm a chemical engineer. - Winston, 335 00:13:43,850 --> 00:13:46,180 Look, Shivrang, man to man, I know you have a condom 336 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,350 in your wallet, but the question to you is: Do you actually think 337 00:13:49,360 --> 00:13:51,460 you' gonna get lucky with a a sexy lady like that? 338 00:13:51,520 --> 00:13:55,090 You know, I feel like I'm getting lucky by just being here. 339 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:58,640 Be honest with me. Ok, fine, I've got a condom. 340 00:13:58,660 --> 00:14:00,140 - Aha! - Winston. 341 00:14:00,170 --> 00:14:01,850 Is he going to need that condom tonight? 342 00:14:01,880 --> 00:14:03,920 - I'm gonna punch you in the face. - Shall I give you a minute to think about it? 343 00:14:03,940 --> 00:14:05,430 - 'Cause I can wait. - I'm gonna wring your damn neck. 344 00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,160 - This is awful, like, really... - Okay, okay. Get out. 345 00:14:07,210 --> 00:14:08,680 - This is worse than last time. - Honestly, physically removing you now. 346 00:14:08,690 --> 00:14:10,020 - I'm going. - Out of my house. 347 00:14:12,910 --> 00:14:15,390 It's a sour ball, not a bank safe. 348 00:14:15,410 --> 00:14:17,570 Just open the candy. 349 00:14:17,590 --> 00:14:19,030 - Are you hungry? - Yes, I'm starving. 350 00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:20,600 Why don't you go upstairs to the kitchen? 351 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:23,100 - It's full of food. - Just give me the damn candy. 352 00:14:23,140 --> 00:14:25,380 - Go get it. - Wait, no, no, no. 353 00:14:26,460 --> 00:14:27,110 Aah. 354 00:14:27,140 --> 00:14:28,910 Okay, I have, like, a stabbing pain, it's-- 355 00:14:28,940 --> 00:14:30,530 and it's, and it's like right here. 356 00:14:30,550 --> 00:14:31,820 It's my pishy. 357 00:14:31,850 --> 00:14:33,570 I, I have to pish. 358 00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,040 I think we should take a break. 359 00:14:35,060 --> 00:14:37,330 - Leave and you're out. - Drown in your own urine. 360 00:14:37,580 --> 00:14:38,510 I got to find a condom. 361 00:14:38,530 --> 00:14:39,970 I need a condom! 362 00:14:39,990 --> 00:14:41,450 But I still want the spot. 363 00:14:43,690 --> 00:14:45,640 Come on, come on, come on, Nick, come on. 364 00:14:49,170 --> 00:14:50,550 Okay. 365 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:52,680 Condom, condom, condom. 366 00:14:53,610 --> 00:14:54,900 Damn it. 367 00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:56,670 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 368 00:14:56,700 --> 00:15:00,200 Here we go... here we go. 369 00:15:00,230 --> 00:15:02,580 I mean, she's either having crazy amounts of sex 370 00:15:02,590 --> 00:15:04,040 or she does not know how to use these things. 371 00:15:06,910 --> 00:15:10,540 Oh, just focus, man, bring it in. 372 00:15:10,840 --> 00:15:12,270 Absorb it. 373 00:15:15,800 --> 00:15:16,630 Yeah. 374 00:15:16,650 --> 00:15:18,210 Did you just pee inside your body? 375 00:15:18,250 --> 00:15:18,990 Yes. 376 00:15:19,030 --> 00:15:20,400 This is your fault, Nick. 377 00:15:20,410 --> 00:15:22,980 You compromised the whole loft. We had an agreement. 378 00:15:23,020 --> 00:15:24,840 When Jessica Day signed that lease, 379 00:15:24,870 --> 00:15:27,790 you, me, and Coach all took a no-nail oath. 380 00:15:27,810 --> 00:15:29,220 No-nail oath? 381 00:15:29,250 --> 00:15:32,680 - I didn't break the no-nail oath. - Your mouth nailed her mouth. 382 00:15:32,700 --> 00:15:35,600 For the record, no one nailed my mouth. 383 00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:36,990 That's important to me. 384 00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:39,500 Also, we didn't do anything wrong. 385 00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:42,080 - Do you know nothing about men? - Yeah, I know nothing about men. 386 00:15:42,110 --> 00:15:45,300 That's why I'm wearing a short skirt and wool tights. 387 00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,680 A woman cannot be in close quarters with three men and kiss one of them. 388 00:15:48,710 --> 00:15:50,230 What fuels men? 389 00:15:50,260 --> 00:15:52,240 Competition and sex. 390 00:15:52,290 --> 00:15:54,090 That's why the United Nations was formed, 391 00:15:54,110 --> 00:15:55,990 that's why girls aren't allowed on pirate ships, 392 00:15:56,010 --> 00:15:59,320 and that is why there is a no-nail oath in apartment 4D, 393 00:15:59,330 --> 00:16:02,060 and deep down inside, Nick knows that I'm right. 394 00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:02,850 Mm-hmm, 395 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:05,340 back me up here, Nick. - I just want a piece of candy. 396 00:16:05,360 --> 00:16:07,530 Are you serious? You didn't give me the spot 397 00:16:07,560 --> 00:16:08,790 and now you won't back me up? 398 00:16:08,820 --> 00:16:10,710 - You coward. - Why should he? 399 00:16:10,780 --> 00:16:13,590 Because he-- because... 400 00:16:13,600 --> 00:16:15,090 Because, what, you kissed, 401 00:16:15,130 --> 00:16:19,250 and now he owes you some sort of emotional support and loyalty? 402 00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:22,410 Reason number two for the no-nail oath-- 403 00:16:22,730 --> 00:16:24,730 bitches be crazy. 404 00:16:24,840 --> 00:16:25,840 Isn't that right, Nick? 405 00:16:25,880 --> 00:16:28,660 I found garbage that has chocolate on it. 406 00:16:30,310 --> 00:16:31,810 Daisy, I'm back. 407 00:16:38,920 --> 00:16:39,990 Daisy. 408 00:16:40,060 --> 00:16:41,680 Hey, Daisy, 409 00:16:41,830 --> 00:16:43,620 I'm here! Where you at?! 410 00:16:43,720 --> 00:16:44,820 I don't have my phone, 411 00:16:44,840 --> 00:16:46,710 and all these buildings look alike, and I... 412 00:16:46,730 --> 00:16:48,000 Hey, Daisy! 413 00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,150 - You know Daisy? - Shut up. 414 00:16:49,180 --> 00:16:50,220 No? All right, okay, cool. 415 00:16:50,250 --> 00:16:52,650 Now, I walked around with "yum" on my butt all day. 416 00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,100 I deserve sex-- protected sex. 417 00:16:56,830 --> 00:17:00,400 Daisy...! 418 00:17:01,110 --> 00:17:02,880 Schmidt's right. 419 00:17:03,350 --> 00:17:05,180 I thought we could go back to the way things were, 420 00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,540 but we can't. 421 00:17:06,950 --> 00:17:08,630 You nailed my mouth... 422 00:17:09,230 --> 00:17:13,030 and you nailed it good and hard and strong. 423 00:17:13,090 --> 00:17:14,510 Now things have changed. 424 00:17:14,550 --> 00:17:16,520 Okay, but they don't have to have changed. 425 00:17:16,590 --> 00:17:19,290 It's just different, Nick, it is. 426 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,660 That kiss was the dumbest mistake I have ever made-- 427 00:17:22,720 --> 00:17:24,860 dumber than Caroline, dumber than law school, 428 00:17:24,890 --> 00:17:26,350 dumber than when I thought it was pronounced 429 00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:28,190 "Brock Omabrama." 430 00:17:28,350 --> 00:17:28,980 What? 431 00:17:29,010 --> 00:17:31,010 I thought his name was pronounced "Brock Oma..." 432 00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:32,620 It's not... 433 00:17:32,640 --> 00:17:35,640 If I could go back in time and take back the kiss, I would. 434 00:17:35,660 --> 00:17:38,300 I would take it back, I regret it. 435 00:17:39,780 --> 00:17:41,510 Congratulations, 436 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:45,110 you're the proud owner of a new parking spot. 437 00:17:46,990 --> 00:17:48,790 Oh, you got to be kidding me. 438 00:17:49,700 --> 00:17:51,540 Jess, wait. 439 00:17:53,190 --> 00:17:54,580 You realize, every second 440 00:17:54,590 --> 00:17:56,640 that you don't run after her, you become more and more 441 00:17:56,660 --> 00:17:58,300 of a buttwad, don't you? 442 00:17:58,470 --> 00:17:59,910 Did you pee yourself? 443 00:18:00,040 --> 00:18:02,780 That I did, that I did. 444 00:18:08,590 --> 00:18:10,060 - Jess. - Hi. 445 00:18:10,080 --> 00:18:11,450 Hey, look... 446 00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:12,960 Why you holding a box of fish sticks? 447 00:18:12,980 --> 00:18:15,890 Because I'm going to go scare the feral cats away 448 00:18:15,920 --> 00:18:18,090 that live in my current parking spot, Nick. 449 00:18:18,130 --> 00:18:20,180 I'm going to throw fish sticks at them 450 00:18:20,270 --> 00:18:23,060 while singing "Memory," and don't you dare criticize me. 451 00:18:23,090 --> 00:18:24,330 I don't regret kissing you. 452 00:18:25,570 --> 00:18:28,930 I regret what it did, I regret that it made things weird. 453 00:18:29,010 --> 00:18:31,130 We are roommates, you know, we got to figure this out, Jess. 454 00:18:31,150 --> 00:18:32,620 A no-nail oath? 455 00:18:32,640 --> 00:18:34,060 You thought I was going to sleep 456 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:35,870 with one of you, like I just couldn't help it? 457 00:18:35,890 --> 00:18:39,010 It was me, Jess, I couldn't help it. 458 00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:45,660 - You dropped your fish sticks. - Shut up, Nick. 459 00:18:48,550 --> 00:18:50,940 Ay, ay, ay. 460 00:18:51,020 --> 00:18:53,000 Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 461 00:18:53,030 --> 00:18:55,070 - We're having a conversation. - Will you please get out of here? 462 00:18:55,100 --> 00:18:56,510 Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it? 463 00:18:56,590 --> 00:18:57,820 Because I live here, too, 464 00:18:57,830 --> 00:19:00,210 and I'm gonna be here when all of this goes to crap. 465 00:19:00,230 --> 00:19:01,730 Next time you guys have your dirty little thoughts 466 00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:03,910 about each other, you better be thinking about me, too, 467 00:19:03,960 --> 00:19:06,040 because I ain't going nowhere. 468 00:19:06,070 --> 00:19:09,470 You are literally sitting in a puddle of your own pee. 469 00:19:09,490 --> 00:19:13,680 The apartment 4D no-nail oath right here: 470 00:19:13,820 --> 00:19:15,670 "We, the undersigned, 471 00:19:15,700 --> 00:19:18,510 "Agree never to nail our roommate Jessica Day 472 00:19:18,550 --> 00:19:20,730 "unless the sex can be parlayed into a business 473 00:19:20,750 --> 00:19:22,250 that provides for all parties involved." 474 00:19:22,290 --> 00:19:23,820 - What? - I didn't read the fine print. 475 00:19:23,850 --> 00:19:28,620 "If one of the undersigned nails said female, 476 00:19:28,740 --> 00:19:30,020 well, then all must nail her." 477 00:19:30,040 --> 00:19:31,330 - What?! - I didn't know there was fine print. 478 00:19:31,360 --> 00:19:33,210 - What, what?! - I didn't know there was fine... 479 00:19:33,250 --> 00:19:35,810 Let me be very clear here-- I am a strong, 480 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:37,410 self-sufficient woman, 481 00:19:37,440 --> 00:19:39,670 and I will not be nailing you, Schmidt, 482 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,520 or Nick or Schmidt. 483 00:19:41,560 --> 00:19:43,060 Notice I said that twice 484 00:19:43,080 --> 00:19:45,120 because I don't feel it's sinking in. 485 00:19:45,260 --> 00:19:46,980 There will be no nails 486 00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,480 or screws or hammers 487 00:19:49,510 --> 00:19:54,040 in this building area generally, the whole thing. 488 00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:55,630 What, do you think that I want to do this? 489 00:19:55,650 --> 00:19:57,100 Believe me, pass. 490 00:19:57,140 --> 00:20:01,560 I just don't want my home turning into a denof sexual tension and lies. 491 00:20:01,600 --> 00:20:03,820 Now, do you want things to go back to normal or not? 492 00:20:03,850 --> 00:20:05,140 - Yes. - Yes, I do, but I... 493 00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:06,880 Then, I just have to kiss you. 494 00:20:06,890 --> 00:20:08,880 This is just one of those things-- let's just do it... 495 00:20:08,890 --> 00:20:09,930 No, I-I... 496 00:20:09,950 --> 00:20:11,350 ...get past it, we move on. 497 00:20:11,370 --> 00:20:12,620 I think that's a bad idea. 498 00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:15,000 - Nick, you're into this, right? - I don't know, might help. 499 00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,220 - Are you serious? - I don't know. 500 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,700 Okay, fine, just get over here and do it and do it fast. 501 00:20:19,720 --> 00:20:21,550 - I'll be a hero. - Bring it on. 502 00:20:21,940 --> 00:20:23,680 Mmm... 503 00:20:24,700 --> 00:20:25,530 Aah. 504 00:20:25,560 --> 00:20:27,320 - Ooh. - No. 505 00:20:27,410 --> 00:20:29,060 - No. - Mistake. 506 00:20:29,070 --> 00:20:31,350 - It was really a mistake. - A big mi-- I made it weirder. 507 00:20:31,370 --> 00:20:34,560 Is everyone in the world having sex but me?! 508 00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:36,460 Old people, foreigners, 509 00:20:36,490 --> 00:20:37,450 nerds. 510 00:20:37,540 --> 00:20:38,850 Everyone's banging. 511 00:20:38,890 --> 00:20:40,330 Schmidt and Jess?! 512 00:20:40,360 --> 00:20:41,740 Everyone is out there 513 00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,820 getting and giving except for old Winnie. 514 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:44,810 Look at me-- 515 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:48,320 a man who has absolutely nothing. 516 00:20:48,330 --> 00:20:50,260 I left my phone, my wallet, 517 00:20:50,340 --> 00:20:53,010 and my dignity at Daisy's house. 518 00:20:53,060 --> 00:20:55,210 I even left my pants there-- look at this. 519 00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,670 - Yum. - Yum. 520 00:20:57,450 --> 00:21:00,790 I need a win, damn it, I need a win. 521 00:21:05,490 --> 00:21:07,290 You need a win, pal. 522 00:21:09,540 --> 00:21:10,860 Yeah. 523 00:21:10,930 --> 00:21:12,830 It's a little tight in here. 524 00:21:12,870 --> 00:21:14,560 Are you sure this isn't too tight? 525 00:21:18,940 --> 00:21:20,910 Okay, um... 526 00:21:21,750 --> 00:21:24,100 Uh-uh, this ain't gonna work. 527 00:21:24,280 --> 00:21:25,480 This ain't gonna work for me. 39200

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