Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:03,590 --> 00:00:06,390
Oh, my God!
2
00:00:15,600 --> 00:00:18,120
Oh, you kissed her! You idiot!
3
00:00:18,300 --> 00:00:20,110
You...
4
00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:30,910
No, no, no.
5
00:00:30,930 --> 00:00:32,790
I wasn't doing anything.
I wasn't. No, no, no.
6
00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:34,750
I wasn't doing anything,
I wasn't doing anything, I...
7
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:36,170
Do not moonwalk away from me.
8
00:00:36,570 --> 00:00:38,210
Do not. You are not.
9
00:00:38,240 --> 00:00:40,070
You're doing it. Nick?
10
00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:41,660
- Shamone.
- He did.
11
00:00:51,960 --> 00:00:53,060
Oh.
12
00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:55,060
Ugh, my God.
13
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:56,460
Oh, I just woke up.
14
00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:58,700
I've been sleeping
for hours and hours.
15
00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:00,540
Nice. Me, too.
16
00:01:00,630 --> 00:01:02,360
Let's see here.
17
00:01:03,380 --> 00:01:06,210
Oh, sweet. Ten e-mails.
18
00:01:09,560 --> 00:01:11,970
Hey, Sam, um...
19
00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:13,550
I have to tell you something.
20
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:16,680
How do you always look
so beautiful in the morning?
21
00:01:16,730 --> 00:01:18,390
Sometimes I can't
even look at you.
22
00:01:18,420 --> 00:01:20,150
I can't even--
I got to look away.
23
00:01:20,330 --> 00:01:21,660
I can't even look
at you right now.
24
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:23,930
Wait, but I got to.
Now I got to look away.
25
00:01:24,030 --> 00:01:25,870
I just can't resist.
Oh, geez.
26
00:01:27,510 --> 00:01:29,250
What were you gonna say?
27
00:01:31,110 --> 00:01:32,340
Nothing.
28
00:01:32,380 --> 00:01:33,910
It was nothing.
29
00:01:36,380 --> 00:01:38,440
- Jess?
- Nick kissed me.
30
00:01:39,450 --> 00:01:42,350
Wha...?!
31
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,540
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
32
00:01:44,570 --> 00:01:45,510
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
33
00:01:45,530 --> 00:01:46,600
♪ It's Jess. ♪
34
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:49,910
Sync & corrections by Alice
www.addic7ed.com
Resync for WEB-DL by Norther
35
00:01:51,540 --> 00:01:53,880
Oh, man. Okay.
36
00:01:53,910 --> 00:01:56,550
I had the best sex of
my life last night.
37
00:01:56,570 --> 00:01:58,040
Winston, I'm glad you're here.
We need to talk.
38
00:01:58,060 --> 00:01:59,230
Yeah. Daisy said I was
pretty good.
39
00:01:59,260 --> 00:02:01,160
You hear that?
Pretty good!
40
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:02,130
This is important.
41
00:02:02,160 --> 00:02:03,730
And I ain't even use my hands.
42
00:02:03,790 --> 00:02:04,830
You didn't use your hands?
43
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:06,170
Well, just I did a lot
of side stuff.
44
00:02:06,190 --> 00:02:07,410
Okay, Winston,
you're killing me.
45
00:02:07,440 --> 00:02:08,800
I really need to talk to you,
46
00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:10,720
and now after hearing that,
I can barely look at you.
47
00:02:10,740 --> 00:02:12,490
Well, I got my mojo back, baby!
48
00:02:12,540 --> 00:02:14,680
I'm the Mojo Man!
49
00:02:14,720 --> 00:02:17,320
Mojo Man, Mojo Man.
I like the sound of that.
50
00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:19,190
Yeah, we're not gonna be
getting to my thing, are we?
51
00:02:19,220 --> 00:02:20,520
Mo-Mo-Mojo Man.
52
00:02:20,540 --> 00:02:21,670
I got to tell Sam.
53
00:02:21,720 --> 00:02:22,870
I can't tell Sam!
54
00:02:22,890 --> 00:02:24,390
I didn't even do anything wrong!
55
00:02:24,490 --> 00:02:25,590
Nick kissed me!
56
00:02:25,610 --> 00:02:27,490
I didn't even kiss him back!
57
00:02:27,770 --> 00:02:29,600
Okay, fine!
I kissed him back!
58
00:02:29,620 --> 00:02:30,840
Is that what
you want me to say?
59
00:02:30,860 --> 00:02:32,330
I literally haven't said a word
60
00:02:32,360 --> 00:02:33,390
for, like, over an hour.
61
00:02:33,410 --> 00:02:35,140
And now he won't
even talk to me,
62
00:02:35,170 --> 00:02:36,430
'cause I saw him this morning
63
00:02:36,450 --> 00:02:38,500
and he just panic
moonwalked away from me.
64
00:02:38,520 --> 00:02:39,870
- He what?
- He does that sometimes.
65
00:02:40,930 --> 00:02:43,150
Man. Terrorism.
66
00:02:46,170 --> 00:02:47,910
And then... ha!
67
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:49,730
Nick just... He just...
68
00:02:49,780 --> 00:02:50,780
Kisses you.
69
00:02:50,850 --> 00:02:52,250
Stupid Nick Miller.
70
00:02:52,270 --> 00:02:53,180
How was it? Was it...?
71
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,700
I was like Scarlett O'Hara
72
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:56,520
in my freaking curtain dress...
73
00:02:56,550 --> 00:02:57,560
How did he do it?
74
00:02:57,590 --> 00:02:59,420
- He just, like, grabbed me.
- Uh-huh.
75
00:02:59,450 --> 00:03:01,280
- And he just took me.
- Oh, yeah.
76
00:03:01,310 --> 00:03:03,220
I mean, he was a man
and I was a woman.
77
00:03:03,260 --> 00:03:05,750
- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- It was firm, but tender.
78
00:03:05,790 --> 00:03:07,170
- Oh, damn.
- Yeah, I mean,
79
00:03:07,180 --> 00:03:09,050
I saw thorough space and time
for a minute,
80
00:03:09,070 --> 00:03:10,400
but that's not the point.
81
00:03:10,430 --> 00:03:11,720
Oh, man!
82
00:03:11,740 --> 00:03:12,760
Are you okay?
83
00:03:12,790 --> 00:03:14,480
I miss sex!
84
00:03:14,500 --> 00:03:17,610
I've been on dates set up by
my mother for the past month.
85
00:03:17,630 --> 00:03:19,350
- Mm.
- I mean, what are you gonna do?
86
00:03:19,370 --> 00:03:21,110
I mean, do you...
87
00:03:21,240 --> 00:03:22,220
like Nick?
88
00:03:22,260 --> 00:03:24,130
Ah! Bah!
89
00:03:24,160 --> 00:03:25,090
Mm-hmm.
90
00:03:25,110 --> 00:03:26,810
Nah! Neh?
91
00:03:27,180 --> 00:03:28,250
Nick?
92
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:30,740
No.
93
00:03:32,190 --> 00:03:33,740
I don't like Nick.
94
00:03:33,760 --> 00:03:34,870
- Mm-hmm.
- I like Sam, 'cause
95
00:03:34,900 --> 00:03:36,780
Sam's the kind of guy
who fixes things
96
00:03:36,790 --> 00:03:38,370
that you didn't even know
were broken.
97
00:03:38,390 --> 00:03:40,090
And Nick is the type of guy
98
00:03:40,130 --> 00:03:43,600
who breaks things... that are...
99
00:03:43,730 --> 00:03:45,100
He breaks things!
100
00:03:45,170 --> 00:03:46,470
Look at that.
It's for my grandma.
101
00:03:46,480 --> 00:03:48,620
Wow, that's... oh, no.
102
00:03:48,650 --> 00:03:50,180
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
- What are you-- Nick!
103
00:03:50,200 --> 00:03:52,890
- No, let me just... Okay, here, it's fine.
- Nick, Nick, what are you...? No!
104
00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,550
Nick, what are you...?
105
00:03:54,950 --> 00:03:57,530
I think those
belong back on it.
106
00:03:57,720 --> 00:04:00,200
He is not getting in the way
of me and Sam.
107
00:04:00,250 --> 00:04:02,080
He is not ruining this.
108
00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:03,250
- Mm.
- So mad at him.
109
00:04:03,270 --> 00:04:04,570
I can't even be around him.
110
00:04:04,690 --> 00:04:06,080
Can I just spend
the day with you?
111
00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,480
Oh.
112
00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:09,550
Well, um...
113
00:04:09,670 --> 00:04:13,080
Okay, I didn't tell you this
before, actually, but, uh...
114
00:04:13,920 --> 00:04:14,960
Cece is going to
115
00:04:14,980 --> 00:04:16,600
an Indian marriage
convention today
116
00:04:16,610 --> 00:04:18,410
to find herself
a brown husband.
117
00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:19,560
Now, little does she know
118
00:04:19,590 --> 00:04:22,150
that I have signed up
for the same convention.
119
00:04:22,200 --> 00:04:23,830
Gentlemen, there is
nothing that says
120
00:04:23,860 --> 00:04:25,580
white men need not apply.
121
00:04:25,590 --> 00:04:27,370
You look like
the fortune teller in Big.
122
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:28,890
Wait a second,
is it in the loft?
123
00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,200
Yes, Nick.
124
00:04:30,230 --> 00:04:33,310
The West Coast's premiere
Indian singles event,
125
00:04:33,340 --> 00:04:35,830
where 300 eligible
Rajput Indians get together
126
00:04:35,860 --> 00:04:37,920
to see if they should get
arranged-married to each other,
127
00:04:37,960 --> 00:04:39,030
is in our loft.
128
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:40,590
So if it's not,
then I'm coming with.
129
00:04:40,610 --> 00:04:42,550
I'm in, Schmidty.
You finally got company.
130
00:04:42,580 --> 00:04:44,850
- I'm coming. Let's do it.
- The Mojo Man is in, too.
131
00:04:44,880 --> 00:04:46,410
Mojo Man, Mojo Man.
132
00:04:46,430 --> 00:04:47,970
Okay, neither of you are coming.
133
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,560
I've been studying up
for a full week.
134
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,220
I can actually speak
conversational Hindi.
135
00:04:51,270 --> 00:04:53,500
If that conversation is:
"Hello." "Hello."
136
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:55,160
"Samosa?"
"Yes, please, Samosa."
137
00:04:55,190 --> 00:04:56,530
"More towels?"
"Do you know where
138
00:04:56,550 --> 00:04:57,950
the white person's
toilet is?"
139
00:04:57,970 --> 00:04:59,470
After that,
it gets very confusing.
140
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,900
Can you drive in that dress?
141
00:05:01,170 --> 00:05:02,050
You're right, I can't.
142
00:05:02,080 --> 00:05:04,150
- All right, you're driving. Let's go.
- Yeah!
143
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,410
Hi, I'm-I'm checking in.
144
00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:12,980
My name's Cecilia Parikh.
145
00:05:13,010 --> 00:05:13,840
This is my best friend.
146
00:05:13,860 --> 00:05:15,570
She's just, she's just
here to watch.
147
00:05:15,600 --> 00:05:16,750
All must participate.
148
00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:19,180
We've had a lot of
trouble with watchers.
149
00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:24,000
You participate or you go home.
150
00:05:25,590 --> 00:05:27,990
All right, you know what?
What the hell.
151
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,860
You're going to have to
fill out a questionnaire.
152
00:05:29,880 --> 00:05:31,690
Information, education, resume.
153
00:05:32,860 --> 00:05:33,800
Done.
154
00:05:34,130 --> 00:05:35,730
Thank you.
155
00:05:38,520 --> 00:05:40,560
What the hell are
you guys doing here?
156
00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:42,730
You look like a character
from The Love Guru.
157
00:05:42,750 --> 00:05:44,180
Aw, thank you.
158
00:05:44,810 --> 00:05:45,610
Hello.
159
00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:47,520
I'd like to check in
with my two friends here.
160
00:05:47,550 --> 00:05:49,620
Look, we are not Indian,
but you cannot turn us away,
161
00:05:49,650 --> 00:05:52,610
because I read the Website
vigorously, kumari.
162
00:05:52,660 --> 00:05:53,840
- Oh, God.
- That means "miss."
163
00:05:53,870 --> 00:05:54,740
My friend right there?
164
00:05:54,770 --> 00:05:56,700
Yeah, he's a vakeel.
That means "lawyer."
165
00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:58,020
I dropped out
of ka-heel school.
166
00:05:58,070 --> 00:05:59,440
It's vakeel, man.
167
00:06:01,040 --> 00:06:03,750
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, no. I just-- uh, yeah...
168
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:05,530
Oh!
169
00:06:06,240 --> 00:06:08,040
Nick, you're embarrassing me.
170
00:06:09,710 --> 00:06:11,480
Nick, what are you doing?
171
00:06:13,750 --> 00:06:15,130
Nick, Nick.
172
00:06:15,470 --> 00:06:17,200
N-N-N-Nick, what
are you doing?
173
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:19,030
Stop moonwalking, man.
174
00:06:19,150 --> 00:06:21,250
Man, you have been
weird all morning.
175
00:06:21,280 --> 00:06:23,150
Hey, look, I kissed Jess.
176
00:06:25,890 --> 00:06:27,250
Say what you're gonna say.
177
00:06:27,320 --> 00:06:29,780
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
178
00:06:30,420 --> 00:06:31,750
Whoo!
179
00:06:32,270 --> 00:06:33,630
I thought that's
what you were gonna say.
180
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:34,780
I don't want a new roommate.
181
00:06:34,820 --> 00:06:36,690
Look, don't...
She's not moving out.
182
00:06:36,710 --> 00:06:38,260
I'm not talking about her.
Hell no, not her!
183
00:06:38,280 --> 00:06:39,520
I'm talking about you.
184
00:06:39,540 --> 00:06:40,780
When this thing blows
up in your face--
185
00:06:40,800 --> 00:06:42,400
and it will blow up
in your face, Nick--
186
00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:43,510
you're the one moving out.
187
00:06:43,550 --> 00:06:45,260
You think I like
living with you?
188
00:06:45,270 --> 00:06:47,850
You have centipedes
living under your bed!
189
00:06:47,870 --> 00:06:49,900
- Those weren't centipedes.
- You've named your testicles,
190
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,820
- and they're both named Sharon.
- Yeah, so what?
191
00:06:51,850 --> 00:06:53,880
I can't believe you kissed Jess!
Man, what were you thinking?
192
00:06:53,900 --> 00:06:55,690
Look, man, I wasn't
thinking anything.
193
00:06:57,100 --> 00:06:59,220
Nick, just apologize and
make it right, all right?
194
00:07:01,230 --> 00:07:04,040
All right.
That's what I'm gonna do.
195
00:07:06,590 --> 00:07:07,660
Oh, Sharon!
196
00:07:07,690 --> 00:07:08,730
- Get! Just...
- Get...?
197
00:07:08,760 --> 00:07:09,800
Get over here now.
198
00:07:09,820 --> 00:07:11,220
Wait. What?
199
00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,460
You told me you had moved on.
200
00:07:13,490 --> 00:07:16,190
Only people who haven't moved
on say things like that.
201
00:07:16,620 --> 00:07:18,680
I'm a squirrel.
You're my nut.
202
00:07:18,700 --> 00:07:20,480
Winter's coming. I'm gonna
store you in my cheek, girl.
203
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,120
Please leave.
204
00:07:22,140 --> 00:07:25,580
You and I not being together
does not make sense to me.
205
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:27,630
I miss your body
206
00:07:27,650 --> 00:07:29,140
and the things I
used to do to it.
207
00:07:29,150 --> 00:07:30,560
- Schmidt.
- I'm talking about sex.
208
00:07:30,580 --> 00:07:34,950
Today is about me finding
someone within my own culture
209
00:07:34,990 --> 00:07:36,890
that I can build my life with.
210
00:07:36,910 --> 00:07:38,710
It's about more than sex.
211
00:07:38,730 --> 00:07:42,060
Our sex was about
more than sex.
212
00:07:42,410 --> 00:07:44,680
It was about history and memory
213
00:07:44,720 --> 00:07:46,900
and thousands of years
of colonial suffering
214
00:07:46,920 --> 00:07:49,770
all being released in one
moment of pure ecstasy.
215
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:52,550
Then why did the sex
always end with you yelling,
216
00:07:52,570 --> 00:07:54,570
"Blammo, that happened"?
217
00:07:55,590 --> 00:07:56,660
Blammo.
218
00:07:57,670 --> 00:07:59,410
Thank you.
219
00:08:01,450 --> 00:08:02,180
Hey.
220
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:04,030
Oh, you can walk
normally now, I see.
221
00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,420
I'm sorry I kissed you.
222
00:08:06,160 --> 00:08:07,520
Well, oh, wow.
223
00:08:07,540 --> 00:08:08,770
That was unexpected.
224
00:08:09,370 --> 00:08:10,270
Thanks, Nick.
225
00:08:10,400 --> 00:08:12,120
- You know what, it was a mistake.
- I feel better.
226
00:08:12,150 --> 00:08:13,770
- 'Cause, yeah, I was feeling awkward.
- Yeah, good.
227
00:08:13,780 --> 00:08:14,810
Right.
228
00:08:14,830 --> 00:08:16,660
You were acting a little bit weird,
but honestly, for me,
229
00:08:16,680 --> 00:08:18,190
it was, like, a nothing kiss.
230
00:08:18,200 --> 00:08:20,050
You know, it was like
kissing a cousin.
231
00:08:20,070 --> 00:08:22,340
It was so nonsexual
and nothing.
232
00:08:22,490 --> 00:08:25,220
Well... I think it
meant something.
233
00:08:25,360 --> 00:08:27,220
You know, to you,
'cause you kissed me.
234
00:08:27,610 --> 00:08:29,000
Mm-mm.
235
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,620
I think you can admit it
meant something to you, Nick.
236
00:08:31,630 --> 00:08:33,730
Oh, no, I-I'm telling you,
it meant nothing to me.
237
00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:35,140
- I think it did.
- No, no.
238
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:36,980
I do things
I don't mean all the time.
239
00:08:37,020 --> 00:08:38,320
Like this. You see this?
Bottle of water.
240
00:08:38,900 --> 00:08:41,250
Why did I do that? I don't know.
It doesn't mean anything.
241
00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:43,630
I think you can admit that
it meant something to you.
242
00:08:43,650 --> 00:08:45,950
- Hey, Jessica, it didn't.
- Hmm.
243
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,540
It was a drinking game,
and I was finishing the game.
244
00:08:48,560 --> 00:08:50,450
Yeah, but it happened
after the game
245
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:51,880
when it meant something.
246
00:08:51,940 --> 00:08:54,360
- Oh, so it meant something to you?
- What?
247
00:08:54,390 --> 00:08:56,190
- It meant something to you.
- No, don't...
248
00:08:56,210 --> 00:08:58,310
If you think some
stupid, terrible kiss...
249
00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,160
- You're thinking about
it right now! - No!
250
00:09:00,190 --> 00:09:02,440
- I'm calling Sam and...
- Oh, you're calling Sam right now?
251
00:09:02,470 --> 00:09:04,190
He's gonna come here
and pick me up,
252
00:09:04,230 --> 00:09:05,870
- and, uh, we're leaving.
- Oh, you are?
253
00:09:05,900 --> 00:09:08,740
Why are you running away?
Because it meant something?
254
00:09:09,300 --> 00:09:11,030
We're not going anywhere.
255
00:09:12,300 --> 00:09:13,720
Meant nothing, Nick!
256
00:09:13,850 --> 00:09:15,890
Please look
at the numbers on your name tags
257
00:09:15,930 --> 00:09:18,400
and go to the table
with the corresponding numbers.
258
00:09:18,430 --> 00:09:19,700
These are your groupings.
259
00:09:19,730 --> 00:09:22,500
People with similar resumes
and education backgrounds
260
00:09:22,530 --> 00:09:23,690
have been grouped together.
261
00:09:23,710 --> 00:09:26,150
34, 34, thir...
262
00:09:26,300 --> 00:09:27,750
Table 34!
263
00:09:28,110 --> 00:09:29,560
We're at the same table!
264
00:09:29,590 --> 00:09:32,060
- So this is rock bottom.
- I mean, call me crazy,
265
00:09:32,070 --> 00:09:34,010
but I think we're all
getting married tonight.
266
00:09:34,040 --> 00:09:36,110
- Yeah, um... - The money table
right here, Table 34!
267
00:09:36,130 --> 00:09:37,920
Hi, excuse me, I think
that there's been
268
00:09:37,940 --> 00:09:40,030
just a little bit of a
mistake with the tables.
269
00:09:40,060 --> 00:09:41,720
Over 30, no advanced degrees,
270
00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:43,970
part-time employment:
Table 34.
271
00:09:44,050 --> 00:09:46,550
No, see, actually, I'm-I'm
a professional model.
272
00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:47,690
I'm not famous or anything,
273
00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:49,970
but I was in Lil
Wayne's last video.
274
00:09:50,030 --> 00:09:53,100
I was the girl he was throwing
strawberries at in slow motion.
275
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:57,390
Definitely Table 34.
276
00:10:00,580 --> 00:10:01,610
Excuse me?
277
00:10:01,630 --> 00:10:03,710
Uh, I didn't get
assigned a table.
278
00:10:03,740 --> 00:10:06,050
Now, I know exactly
what this is about...
279
00:10:06,080 --> 00:10:08,220
But I did assign you a seat.
280
00:10:08,870 --> 00:10:11,470
This one. Lap number one.
281
00:10:12,410 --> 00:10:14,510
Okay, so this is not
a racial thing?
282
00:10:14,540 --> 00:10:15,910
Not yet, it isn't.
283
00:10:16,100 --> 00:10:17,660
Ah.
284
00:10:17,690 --> 00:10:19,230
I see what's happening here.
285
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:21,050
You're feeling my mojo.
286
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,420
You look like a jumpy cat,
and I like that.
287
00:10:25,370 --> 00:10:27,760
Ooh, I like that.
288
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:31,170
Like oversized blueberries.
289
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,290
Mojo off. Mojo off.
290
00:10:35,390 --> 00:10:37,730
Schmidt, Table Seven,
Table Seven.
291
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:40,440
- What're you doing? You're at Table Seven, too?
- Hmm? I'm at Table Seven.
292
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,750
- What?
- Well, you should feel complimented.
293
00:10:43,780 --> 00:10:45,240
I feel slightly insulted.
294
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:46,380
- What?
- No offense.
295
00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:48,340
A lot of offense taken.
Well, I'm just saying...
296
00:10:48,380 --> 00:10:50,020
- A lot.
- Jess!
297
00:10:50,110 --> 00:10:51,160
- Hi!
- Hi.
298
00:10:51,190 --> 00:10:52,710
- How are you?
- Um, okay.
299
00:10:52,740 --> 00:10:55,220
Yeah, I checked in.
Uh, they gave me my table.
300
00:10:55,260 --> 00:10:56,940
- Okay.
- This is a weird date.
301
00:10:56,970 --> 00:10:58,760
I always thought
we'd go bowling before we went
302
00:10:58,780 --> 00:10:59,960
to an Indian marriage
convention.
303
00:10:59,980 --> 00:11:01,810
- What table are you at?
- Uh, Table One, I think.
304
00:11:01,830 --> 00:11:05,040
Table One?! It's almost like
you save lives or something.
305
00:11:05,050 --> 00:11:06,580
Oh, wait, you do.
306
00:11:07,370 --> 00:11:09,470
Let's start the icebreakers.
307
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:12,390
This exercise shows
how physically compatible
308
00:11:12,410 --> 00:11:13,740
two people can be.
309
00:11:26,410 --> 00:11:27,980
Ow! My hand!
310
00:11:28,020 --> 00:11:28,990
What?
311
00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:30,250
Stupid man.
312
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:32,200
Nice.
313
00:11:32,210 --> 00:11:33,450
- Yeah.
- Ready?
314
00:11:33,570 --> 00:11:34,730
Three, two, ow.
315
00:11:34,760 --> 00:11:36,720
- Ow! No, no. Let's...
- Up?
316
00:11:36,740 --> 00:11:38,870
- No, you go down.
- All right. I go down?
317
00:11:39,360 --> 00:11:41,140
Kind of just got
to get in a little closer.
318
00:11:41,170 --> 00:11:42,390
Okay, I'm trying.
319
00:11:42,720 --> 00:11:43,820
Seriously.
320
00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:49,970
Hey, dummy.
321
00:11:49,990 --> 00:11:51,940
Stop pointing your finger at me.
That's so annoying.
322
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:53,660
Why are you drinking my beer?
323
00:11:54,170 --> 00:11:56,630
- You point that finger at me one more
time, I'm... - Why don't you just admit that
324
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,330
that kiss meant something to you?
- No, no!
325
00:11:58,360 --> 00:11:59,960
I could tell it meant
something, so admit it
326
00:11:59,990 --> 00:12:01,220
or I'll do this all day.
I'll do it all day.
327
00:12:01,250 --> 00:12:03,380
Next challenge: Make a table
328
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,350
out of nothing
but newspaper and tape.
329
00:12:06,400 --> 00:12:09,720
Women look to your left,
men to the right.
330
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:12,120
- These are your partners.
- Oh, you got to be kidding me.
331
00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,360
First table that can hold
a phone book wins.
332
00:12:14,380 --> 00:12:16,380
- All right, so we have to make a table.
- Okay.
333
00:12:16,460 --> 00:12:17,850
- Give me the tape.
- No.
334
00:12:20,240 --> 00:12:22,790
I'll tell you what's not
made out of newspaper,
335
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:25,310
that tight little ass of yours.
336
00:12:25,350 --> 00:12:28,560
- Jess, you liked kissing me!
It's fine to say that. - No, I didn't.
337
00:12:28,590 --> 00:12:31,400
I'm not on my knee asking you
to marry me; It was a nice kiss.
338
00:12:31,410 --> 00:12:33,710
You were like a dog and my mouth
339
00:12:33,740 --> 00:12:36,230
was like a bowl full of
dog... milk!
340
00:12:36,260 --> 00:12:38,170
It was like a damn fairy tale,
that kiss!
341
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:39,440
It was the best kiss
of your life.
342
00:12:39,470 --> 00:12:41,140
- Are you serious, Nick?
- And you have to take
343
00:12:41,170 --> 00:12:43,160
a little responsibility,
tarting around in that
344
00:12:43,190 --> 00:12:46,330
- little soft pink robe, not expecting
to get kissed. - Tarting around?
345
00:12:46,350 --> 00:12:48,460
I'm a man, Jessica!
346
00:12:48,510 --> 00:12:50,180
- What?
- Pink robes are my catnip.
347
00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:52,120
And we have a winning couple!
348
00:12:52,140 --> 00:12:53,740
We are not a couple!
349
00:12:54,030 --> 00:12:56,220
- We're not a couple.
- And this is a very bad table.
350
00:12:56,240 --> 00:12:57,760
- Terrible table.
- And stop clapping, everybody.
351
00:12:57,790 --> 00:12:59,660
- This is awful.
- Look. It won't hold anything.
352
00:12:59,690 --> 00:13:01,790
Be prepared to laugh!
353
00:13:02,880 --> 00:13:04,210
No, I mean, this is, like...
354
00:13:04,240 --> 00:13:05,470
I got it, I got it.
355
00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,260
Here, put it down.
Just-- okay.
356
00:13:07,300 --> 00:13:09,100
Very weak table.
357
00:13:10,330 --> 00:13:11,400
Break!
358
00:13:13,370 --> 00:13:14,710
It's a strong table.
359
00:13:14,740 --> 00:13:17,130
Strong table, strong couple.
360
00:13:17,710 --> 00:13:19,710
Come on. Jump up, yeah.
Jump up! Jump up! Jump up!
361
00:13:19,750 --> 00:13:21,050
- Whoa! Come on.
- Wow.
362
00:13:21,090 --> 00:13:23,170
- Wow, yeah. It's real, man.
- Come on.
363
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:24,780
That's an impressive table!
364
00:13:27,200 --> 00:13:30,010
Congratulations on winning the
table-building competition, baby.
365
00:13:30,030 --> 00:13:32,400
- Yeah, it didn't mean anything, so...
- I didn't think it meant anything.
366
00:13:32,450 --> 00:13:35,090
- Yeah, no, just--
- Nick just drives me crazy.
367
00:13:35,130 --> 00:13:37,310
- It's like-- you know?
- Yeah, I mean, I never...
368
00:13:37,330 --> 00:13:39,330
- Well, yeah, that's just... That's what I
was saying. - Is there something...
369
00:13:39,360 --> 00:13:40,600
I should know here?
370
00:13:40,740 --> 00:13:42,020
No. 'Cause...
371
00:13:42,050 --> 00:13:43,120
Men, switch seats!
372
00:13:43,350 --> 00:13:45,000
No. Sam, stop.
373
00:13:45,030 --> 00:13:46,430
'Cause...
No, I want to talk to you.
374
00:13:46,460 --> 00:13:48,480
- Sam, I...
- Do you like field hockey?
375
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,990
I... Yeah. Yeah.
376
00:13:52,970 --> 00:13:55,230
- Hi!
- Oh, I'm so sorry, sweetie. Pass.
377
00:13:55,390 --> 00:13:57,060
So, when did you decide
to become a model?
378
00:13:57,110 --> 00:13:59,700
Oh. Didn't really
think about it at all.
379
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:02,130
Someone just said they'd pay me
for being pretty, so...
380
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:03,980
- I like your hat.
- Shh.
381
00:14:04,270 --> 00:14:06,240
- It's my favorite color.
- Shh...
382
00:14:08,980 --> 00:14:10,810
- I didn't say anything.
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
383
00:14:11,300 --> 00:14:12,480
So how many children
do you want?
384
00:14:12,510 --> 00:14:16,290
Well, I have to start soon, so
I guess I'll just jump right in.
385
00:14:16,820 --> 00:14:18,790
So, do you think through
any of your decisions
386
00:14:18,800 --> 00:14:20,350
or do you always just
do whatever you want?
387
00:14:20,440 --> 00:14:22,350
Hey! M. Night Shyamalan.
388
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:24,350
I got a twist ending
for you: Shut up.
389
00:14:24,370 --> 00:14:26,490
- What do you want, Table Seven?
- Schmidt, just talk to your girl.
390
00:14:26,510 --> 00:14:27,810
- Hi!
- You better watch it, buddy.
391
00:14:27,830 --> 00:14:29,960
'Cause I will, I will
Cal-cut-a-bitch up in here.
392
00:14:29,990 --> 00:14:32,180
- I will Cal-cut-a-bitch.
- Schmidt!
393
00:14:32,220 --> 00:14:34,040
Don't worry, Ben Affleck.
I'm not desperate.
394
00:14:34,070 --> 00:14:35,540
I don't date below Table Six.
395
00:14:35,550 --> 00:14:37,520
Time's up. Switch places.
396
00:14:38,450 --> 00:14:39,420
Sam...
397
00:14:40,770 --> 00:14:42,830
- That was not nice. He crossed a line.
- Schmidt,
398
00:14:42,870 --> 00:14:44,130
you said you would leave me alone.
399
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:45,960
- You said you would leave...
- He crossed a line.
400
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:47,330
You said you would
leave me alone.
401
00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,360
Funny seeing you here.
402
00:14:55,220 --> 00:14:56,320
Hey.
403
00:14:56,510 --> 00:14:57,740
You have to go.
404
00:14:57,760 --> 00:14:59,260
Yeah, you have to go over there.
405
00:14:59,300 --> 00:15:00,570
Okay. Bye-bye.
406
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,100
Go now. Hi.
407
00:15:02,620 --> 00:15:06,220
Um, Sam, I do have
something to tell you.
408
00:15:07,670 --> 00:15:09,520
You know why we're at Table 34?
409
00:15:09,540 --> 00:15:13,050
'Cause we're both bad at life,
but we have model good looks.
410
00:15:13,270 --> 00:15:15,930
It's 'cause we don't
think things through.
411
00:15:16,170 --> 00:15:18,630
You didn't think it through
when you kissed Jess.
412
00:15:18,690 --> 00:15:21,730
She told me. It's like we just
make these impulsive decisions,
413
00:15:21,750 --> 00:15:24,930
and all we end up doing
is hurting other people.
414
00:15:26,670 --> 00:15:28,290
I can't believe this.
415
00:15:28,340 --> 00:15:29,970
No. No, Sam...
416
00:15:31,610 --> 00:15:32,990
Sam? Wait.
417
00:15:33,010 --> 00:15:34,130
Sam, wait.
418
00:15:34,660 --> 00:15:35,740
I'm really sorry.
419
00:15:35,770 --> 00:15:37,230
I said I wanted
to commit to this.
420
00:15:37,260 --> 00:15:38,620
I thought you understood
what that meant.
421
00:15:38,650 --> 00:15:40,150
I do. I did.
422
00:15:40,170 --> 00:15:41,780
Hey, hey.
Sam, listen.
423
00:15:41,810 --> 00:15:43,410
- What?
- Sam, hear me out.
424
00:15:43,710 --> 00:15:45,230
I kissed her, okay?
425
00:15:45,260 --> 00:15:46,760
She didn't kiss me.
426
00:15:47,340 --> 00:15:49,230
It didn't mean anything to her.
427
00:15:49,650 --> 00:15:51,590
Thank you.
428
00:15:52,420 --> 00:15:53,630
Oh, my God!
429
00:15:53,650 --> 00:15:55,210
I'm sorry, Nick.
It's the training.
430
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,770
He's in such terrible shape!
You could've killed him.
431
00:15:57,810 --> 00:15:59,180
I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
432
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,780
Jess, it may not have
meant something to you,
433
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,200
but it meant something to me.
434
00:16:02,240 --> 00:16:04,690
Is there another doctor
in the house?!
435
00:16:04,810 --> 00:16:06,410
With this crowd, I'm sure.
436
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,180
I'm done. So...
437
00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,910
Good-bye, Jess.
438
00:16:11,980 --> 00:16:14,040
No. Sam.
439
00:16:16,190 --> 00:16:18,330
Ice it, 24 hours.
440
00:16:18,810 --> 00:16:20,820
And keep it elevated.
441
00:16:22,570 --> 00:16:24,420
- He even exits cool.
- Oh, God.
442
00:16:27,210 --> 00:16:30,210
Anu? I got
something for you.
443
00:16:30,360 --> 00:16:31,800
Now, this is Freddy.
444
00:16:31,830 --> 00:16:33,950
As you can see,
he has the exact
445
00:16:33,970 --> 00:16:35,480
same build as me, all right?
446
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:38,540
And he is totally available.
Ain't that right, Freddy?
447
00:16:38,660 --> 00:16:41,600
That is what I call
an arranged bang.
448
00:16:42,850 --> 00:16:47,130
Freddy, are you scared of being
confined in small spaces?
449
00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:52,560
Oh, you'll do just fine.
450
00:16:53,710 --> 00:16:56,650
Now, just remember,
wherever you are,
451
00:16:56,670 --> 00:16:58,740
the Mojo Man is there.
452
00:17:07,590 --> 00:17:09,310
Damn it, Schmidt.
453
00:17:12,620 --> 00:17:14,090
I'm taking this.
454
00:17:14,150 --> 00:17:17,960
Excuse me. Excuse me! Hold up!
455
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:19,230
You know, when I
came here today,
456
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:21,220
I thought India was
a pretty cool country.
457
00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:23,230
You guys are obviously smart.
458
00:17:23,260 --> 00:17:24,940
You l-looked at the roof
of a bus and you said,
459
00:17:24,960 --> 00:17:27,430
"That's not just a roof,
that's more seating."
460
00:17:28,440 --> 00:17:31,770
Kal Penn, he's a genius.
Thank you for him.
461
00:17:32,230 --> 00:17:33,740
But what I didn't know
462
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:35,960
is that you're a country
full of blind idiots.
463
00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:37,560
- Oh, God.
- Because in your midst
464
00:17:37,570 --> 00:17:39,620
walks a brown angel.
465
00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:42,240
That woman. Right there.
466
00:17:43,750 --> 00:17:44,880
I may be an idiot,
467
00:17:44,920 --> 00:17:46,980
but I'm smart enough
to know what I lost.
468
00:17:48,760 --> 00:17:50,660
You people could've had it all.
469
00:17:51,050 --> 00:17:53,890
And you shoved her over there
at a table with Nick.
470
00:17:54,860 --> 00:17:57,170
Get your crap together, India.
471
00:17:57,280 --> 00:17:59,220
Schmidt...
472
00:17:59,590 --> 00:18:01,530
out!
473
00:18:05,000 --> 00:18:08,000
Hello. I didn't
see you over here.
474
00:18:08,730 --> 00:18:09,930
I would love to...
475
00:18:11,050 --> 00:18:12,380
Sorry I didn't see you earlier.
476
00:18:12,410 --> 00:18:13,830
Okay.
They're all-- okay.
477
00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:15,390
You don't all have
to run over there at once.
478
00:18:15,410 --> 00:18:17,460
I mean, she... she's not
that great, you guys.
479
00:18:17,560 --> 00:18:19,760
I mean, she's kind of old.
480
00:18:19,780 --> 00:18:21,780
You should see her areolas--
one's like a helicopter pad,
481
00:18:21,800 --> 00:18:23,570
the other one's
like a, you know, like...
482
00:18:23,750 --> 00:18:24,990
like a tick bite.
483
00:18:25,150 --> 00:18:27,060
It's freaky. Very disorienting.
484
00:18:27,090 --> 00:18:29,010
♪ It feels
like a perfect night ♪
485
00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:30,680
Is this making
you feel better at all?
486
00:18:30,720 --> 00:18:34,280
♪ At midnight, to fall
in love with strangers ♪
487
00:18:34,330 --> 00:18:36,330
♪ Ah, ah, ah, ah ♪
488
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:39,810
♪ Yeah, we're happy,
free, confused ♪
489
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,650
♪ And lonely at the same time ♪
490
00:18:41,670 --> 00:18:44,640
I just wanted to listen
to Taylor Swift alone!
491
00:18:45,040 --> 00:18:46,560
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
492
00:18:46,590 --> 00:18:47,320
How's that?
493
00:18:47,350 --> 00:18:50,390
You know when you get dumped and
you're, like, racking your brain
494
00:18:50,410 --> 00:18:52,680
for what was it
that I did wrong?
495
00:18:52,710 --> 00:18:54,600
Well, this is a really
unique situation
496
00:18:54,630 --> 00:18:57,430
in that I don't have to do that.
497
00:18:57,510 --> 00:18:59,670
Well, what happened?
498
00:18:59,750 --> 00:19:02,450
I'm sorry. I know what--
I know that it's my fault.
499
00:19:02,660 --> 00:19:04,060
I didn't mean it like...
500
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:07,150
Jess, can I say something
501
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:09,620
- that'll potentially not
help this situation? - No.
502
00:19:09,640 --> 00:19:12,200
I've never been
a home-wrecker.
503
00:19:12,830 --> 00:19:14,800
And I liked it.
504
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:17,850
I mean, Sam was
threatened by me.
505
00:19:19,010 --> 00:19:21,010
I mean, I see that as a victory.
506
00:19:23,340 --> 00:19:26,340
But in-in more important...
507
00:19:27,050 --> 00:19:31,880
uh, ways, a huge, huge,
devastating loss.
508
00:19:32,110 --> 00:19:33,130
For you.
509
00:19:34,310 --> 00:19:36,460
Should I call Cece?
This feels like Cece territory.
510
00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:37,840
This isn't Nick territory.
511
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:38,900
This is, uh...
512
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:43,800
Look, Jess...
513
00:19:45,730 --> 00:19:47,850
I'm sorry, okay,
514
00:19:47,910 --> 00:19:49,380
that I kissed you.
515
00:19:49,590 --> 00:19:50,890
But I shouldn't have done it,
516
00:19:50,930 --> 00:19:52,530
because it was obviously
a mistake,
517
00:19:52,560 --> 00:19:54,670
and now you're crying and...
518
00:19:55,050 --> 00:19:56,940
I won't do it again.
519
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:00,250
Well...
520
00:20:00,310 --> 00:20:04,900
maybe it was a little bit broken
to begin with.
521
00:20:05,140 --> 00:20:06,940
- What happened?
- He just...
522
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:10,270
He always wanted
to fist bump in the morning.
523
00:20:10,300 --> 00:20:13,250
- And you didn't like that?
- I hated it. What are... what...
524
00:20:13,260 --> 00:20:15,260
- I feel like you're forgiving me.
- No.
525
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,650
- I felt like before I said that
you were though. - Nope. Nope.
526
00:20:17,670 --> 00:20:20,750
Now you remembered you're
still mad at me. No? Okay.
527
00:20:20,790 --> 00:20:22,630
- All right, good night, Nick. Night.
- Okay, good night, Jess.
528
00:20:22,660 --> 00:20:23,820
Hey, Jess.
529
00:20:25,380 --> 00:20:26,240
Too soon?
530
00:20:26,320 --> 00:20:27,820
Yeah, too soon!
531
00:20:27,830 --> 00:20:30,350
Well, hey, good night.
And I'm sorry about everything.
532
00:20:30,560 --> 00:20:31,660
Okay.
533
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:40,590
Okay, yeah.
534
00:20:40,620 --> 00:20:42,020
- That was...
- Yeah. That was...
535
00:20:42,060 --> 00:20:43,390
- a little bit weird.
- So weird.
536
00:20:43,420 --> 00:20:44,620
Let's not ever do that again.
537
00:20:44,650 --> 00:20:46,420
- Yeah.
- Do it again. Okay.
538
00:20:46,480 --> 00:20:48,280
- Good night. Night, Miller!
- Good night.
539
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,130
Good night, Sergeant.
540
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:54,950
I'm glad everything's
back to normal around here.
541
00:20:58,850 --> 00:21:00,240
Thank you for
what you said up there.
542
00:21:00,270 --> 00:21:02,190
- You know, I got a lot
of phone numbers. - Good.
543
00:21:03,390 --> 00:21:04,620
I think I'm gonna go
on a lot of dates.
544
00:21:04,630 --> 00:21:06,460
- I think that's a great thing.
Good. - Yeah.
545
00:21:08,560 --> 00:21:10,420
The plan hasn't changed;
I am still marrying an Indian guy.
546
00:21:10,440 --> 00:21:11,440
- No, yeah, that's fine.
- Okay?
547
00:21:11,460 --> 00:21:13,680
But you went home with a Jew in
a turban, so I'm just saying.
548
00:21:13,710 --> 00:21:15,380
Just take this off.
Come on. Let's go.
549
00:21:16,880 --> 00:21:19,120
God, I have missed this.
550
00:21:21,690 --> 00:21:23,260
Turban on? Turban off?
551
00:21:23,280 --> 00:21:25,250
I'm gonna hate myself
for saying this, but...
39984
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bengali
Bosnian
Bulgarian
Catalan
Cebuano
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Finnish
French
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Gujarati
Haitian Creole
Hawaiian
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Khmer
Korean
Kurdish (Kurmanji)
Kyrgyz
Lao
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Polish
Portuguese
Romanian
Russian
Samoan
Serbian
Sesotho
Shona
Sinhala
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Swahili
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Turkish
Ukrainian
Urdu
Uzbek
Vietnamese
