Original subtitles

(playful orchestral fanfare)

(bubbling)

(droplet plinks)

- All that bubble bubble, for that one little plink.

(audience laughs)

- That plink Tim, is 800 proof alcohol.

- Crazy, you take onions or olives?

(audience laughs)

- I'll take a return trip to Mars.

By tomorrow night, that beaker will contain

50 centiliters of hyper propellant,

enough to boost my spaceship into the proper flight pattern

while Mars is still in a contiguous orbit.

- That, will do that?

- Only if the process continues uninterrupted,

and I must have it by tomorrow night.

- Well, I wish you luck,

but Brennan is still snooping around.

- I thought I sensed a hostile presence.

(audience laughs)

Whenever Detective Brennan is around,

my antenna quivers, and I hate that!

It tickles! (audience laughs)

There he is, the human bloodhound.

(suspenseful orchestral interlude)

- Boy, you know that brew is pretty potent,

sooner or later, he's bound to come up here.

All he has to do is follow his nose.

- Ah, don't worry Tim,

I've put together a little something

that will deal with Detective Brennan

once and for all.

- Oh, you mean a few drops in the coffee cup Senor Bolanger?

- Hardly, this is A Formula A dash

six seven three five dash K squared, as found on page 64 in

the Martian Compendium of Home Remedies,

or What To Do Til The Zygablat Comes.

- Do tell. (audience laughs)

- It's an irresistible spray,

you see Brennan is here primarily because of Mrs. Brown,

but what if Mrs. Brown became interested in another man?

- You mean no more brownies for Lieutenant Brennan?

- Precisely, Dr. Watson.

My plan is to spray this on a suitable candidate,

introduce him to Mrs. Brown,

and Brennan will then, as you say here on Earth,

stop bugging us.

- You mean that one little spray--

- It's not to be used lightly Tim.

One spray of this will render a person

completely irresistible to the opposite sex.

- Oh well, it can't be all that bad.

(audience laughs)

How long does it last?

- Forever, unless you have the antidote.

(magical music)

(audience laughs)

Now Tim, are you going on that interview now?

- Uh-hm.

- Good, then you can drop me at the drug store.

(audience laughs)

- Just one little (mimics spray noise)?

- Tim you don't need that.

Only this morning you were telling me

that no girl could resist your charm!

- Uncle Martin, you know what a liar I am.

(audience laughs)

- Tim!

Tim!

Martin!

Tim!

Have you seen the morning newspaper?

Oh, there it is.

Oh, perfume.

(audience laughs)

Hm!

(spritzes)

Oh, that's really different.

(audience laughs)

(pleasant orchestral interlude)

Good morning Martin,

I was just on my way to the butcher shop.

Can I get you anything?

- Oh no, thank you Lorelei, I don't need--

(comical musical punctuation)

- But Martin, what is it!

- Darling, I love you! (audience laughs)

(comical orchestral flourish)

(high pitched beeps)

(otherworldly music)

(high pitched beeps)

(whimsical orchestral theme music)

(pleasant orchestral interlude)

- What are we watching?

- Mrs. Brown's house, the butcher's inside.

- The butcher?

So what?

- That hairy thumbed, pig-knuckled purveyor,

knows very well that Lorelei's the only woman

in the galaxy for me.

- I must be hearing things,

when did this happen?

- Who can explain when two star-crossed lovers

realize their destinies are mingled,

unless a certain snake slithers in,

trying to tempt her innocent soul with a juicy pot roast.

- If I didn't know you better,

I'd think you were jealous.

- Jealous!

(laugh)

Who's jealous?

(magical music)

I'm just going down there

and tear him sirloin from spare rib, that's all.

(audience laughs)) - You can't do that,

because you're not thinking like a Martian,

and unless you think like a Martian,

people are going to know, you're a Martian.

(audience laughs)

- You're right Tim.

- Then you're not going to go.

(comical musical punctuation)

You're going. (audience laughs)

- Really Mr. Sanders, I should put this meat

in the refrigerator.

- How can you talk about refrigeration

when my heart is being char coal broiled.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Sanders, what's come over you?

(magical music)

- I can tell you Lorelei,

he'd go to any lengths to get customers

for his inferior meat.

- Oh, Martin, I didn't hear you come in.

- I'm here to protect you from this,

this, philandering filet merchant!

- What's philandering? (audience laughs)

This morning, this morning when you asked me

for farmer's style spare ribs,

with the fat trimmed off, cracked at the top,

I suddenly knew, you were the only woman

in the world for me.

- Balderdash!

(door buzzer)

- Oh, excuse me, I'll be right back,

hold my place, I don't want to miss any of this.

(audience laughs)

- Hello Lorelei.

- Hello, come on in.

- What's all this?

Praying for rain?

- Strangest thing Bill,

Mr. Sanders was just saying that he loves me.

- Brennan, why don't you go and protect the populace?

Someone may be putting slugs in the penny gum machine

at this very minute.

- Martin loves me too.

- Why they can't love you,

I'm the one who loves you.

- Why don't the both of you go now,

so I can be alone with my sweetbread?

- She's not your sweetbread, she's my sugar plum.

- What sugar plum, you're speaking to the pussycat I love.

(clears throat)

What is it Lorelei, ask anything of me.

- For you, I'd climb the highest mountain.

- And I would personally jump off that mountain.

- While that one's climbing, and the other one's jumping,

how about you and me going out for the evening.

- Oh, really, all I want to do is put my spare ribs

in the refrigerator.

(comical musical flourish)

(magical music)

- Ah, I think this solid silver tie clip

goes rather well with my solid silver buttons, don't you?

- I think the whole thing goes very well

with your solid silver head.

Uncle Martin you are just not thinking.

Now, how many times have you told me

it would be absolutely fatal for you to fall in love

with an Earth woman.

- I realize that Tim,

but I just can't seem to help myself.

To paraphrase one of your better Earth poets,

I've got her under my skin,

I've got her deep in the heart of me.

- You're going to have Brennan all over you,

because if he is as jealous of Mrs. Brown

as you are, he's going to come up here,

and tear this place apart

until he finds something to get on you,

and with that 800 proof martini in the kitchen,

he won't have to look very far.

- You're right Tim, it is a danger.

Oh, do you think these cuff links are a little too much?

- I think the whole thing is too much.

You seem to think that Mrs. Brown--

Hey, wait a minute.

That's it!

(musical punctuation)

She must have gotten some of that (mimics spray) stuff

all over her.

- Of course Tim, she must have.

It's the only explanation.

- I'll go down and tell her.

- No, no, no, Tim, don't.

If you get near Lorelei, you'll fall in love with her too.

And you know what will happen then?

- What?

- You'll try to take her away from me,

and I'll despise you.

You have been seeing Lorelei behind my back, haven't you!

You've been seeing her behind my back, I know that!

Admit it!

Admit it!

- This is not like you Uncle Martin.

- Of course it isn't Tim, I made that irresistible spray

so strong, that it overcomes even my superior intellect.

Up here I know this will undoubtedly expose me as a Martian

and ruin everything, but down here I say,

come live with me and be my love,

and we will all the pleasures prove

that valleys, groves, hills, and fields,

woods, or steepy mountain's yields.

- Oh brother.

Here comes Brennan, and he's going to show you

what the inside of a creepy jail cell yields.

- Brennan, you have to get rid of him Tim.

I don't dare let him see what I'm doing.

- Now you're talking sense.

- Of course I'm talking sense,

because he'll try to steal the sonnet

that I'm writing for Lorelei.

- Now I know what non compos mentis means.

(audience laughs)

- Shall I compare thee to a Martian moon?

- Would you mind just making your poetry a little quieter.

Well, detective Brennan, isn't it a nice day.

- It will be once I get my hands on lover boy.

- Lover boy?

Oh you mean, Uncle Martin.

- He thinks he can take Lorelei away from me,

but he won't be around long enough.

(sniffs)

I've been smelling something peculiar,

and I finally traced it up here.

(sniffs)

To that little old brew master.

- Oh no, no, no, I', sure that you're mistaken

Detective Brennan.

I think really what you're smelling

is the fragrance of Mrs. Brown's garden.

Yes, the roses, the azaleas, the petunias.

- If those are petunias,

they'd better join Flower's Anonymous.

(audience laughs)

Will you get out of my way?

I know the evidence is right inside there.

- I'm sorry Detective Brennan, but I can't let you in there.

- Why do you hate me? (audience laughs)

- Well it isn't that exactly.

- I know, you're trying to take Lorelei away from me too.

- Me!

Never.

- You O'Hara's are two of a kind,

and I'll settle both your hashes.

I'm going to get a search warrant.

(dramatic orchestral interlude)

- Well, that gives me a little more time.

But how does a mere human protect

a lovesick Martian bootlegger?

(audience laughs)

Oh come on Uncle Martin,

you've got to dismantle this stuff, and get it out of here.

If Brennan finds it, we're in big trouble.

- I appreciate your concern Tim,

but this equipment must distill enough spaceship fuel

so I can use it tomorrow night.

- Look, you cannot go back to Mars in this condition.

- Who wants to go to Mars?

- Oh, good.

- Tomorrow night I'm taking Lorelei away from all this.

- Oh?

- Uh-hm, we're going to elope,

and honeymoon on Venus. (audience laughs)

(comical orchestral flourish)

- Two handkerchiefs, check.

- How can you sit there so calmly,

and tell me that you and Mrs. Brown

are going to fly away--

- Excuse me Tim, I'm not just sitting here,

I'm checking out the necessary items

to take on my little jaunt.

You might call it my trousseau.

- You haven't told Mrs. Brown that you're a Martian.

- Oh Lorelei doesn't know anything about this.

I thought it would be more romantic to surprise her

once we were on our way.

- This is not eloping, this is kidnapping,

and there are laws in this state, that say--

- [Mrs. Brown] Yoo-hoo, Martin, Tim!

(groans) (audience laughs)

- Oh, it's my sugar plum.

- [Mrs. Brown] Yoo-hoo, Martin, Tim!

- She can't see this!

It would spoil the surprise.

- Tim!

Tim!

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, there you are.

You know, I've been wanting to talk to you,

and you've been avoiding me all day.

There you see, you're doing it again.

- Doing what?

- Acting so strangely.

Everybody else likes me.

- There you are Lorelei!

I see I've arrived in the nick of time.

What's that fiend doing to you?

- Doing, he won't even come near me.

- A likely story.

You!

Stay away from her.

- Believe me, I'm doing the best I can.

- I wish you boys would learn to get along.

Maybe you just don't know each other well enough.

- Oh, I know how his mind works.

- Ah, well, that's a step in the right direction.

Now, I'm going to go downstairs and make a batch

of fudge brownies, and we'll all get together later

and talk about it.

Bye!

- There goes nature's loveliest creation.

Now, where's nature's ghastliest mistake?

He in there?

- No, no, he--

(audience laughs)

- For you my dear.

- Thanks O'Hara. (audience laughs)

- My light of love?

Where is she?

She's gone.

- So, you are a bootlegger.

I'll just keep this as evidence.

Now, where's the still.

- Just a minute Detective Brennan,

what about your search warrant?

- I haven't had time to get one.

I've been too busy making plans concerning a certain lady.

- Mrs. Brown.

- Tim, I can understand your being attracted to her,

but stop sneaking around behind my back.

You're trying to take her away from me aren't you!

- Believe me Detective Brennan,

she doesn't mean a thing to me.

- Don't you say a word against her.

- What happens when he gets in the kitchen?

- Kitchen, I'm glad you reminded me Tim.

We'll need lots of food,

the restaurants on Venus are terrible!

(audience laughs)

- Just one second Detective!

You don't want to go in there.

- Why not?

- We're fumigating.

- Too bad it didn't work.

Step aside.

- Ah, Detective Brennan I can explain.

- Explain what?

- Explain that!

Kitchen ...

Such a mess, you see dirty dishes.

It's very

unneat. (audience laughs)

- Well hog sure, satisfied?

- I won't be satisfied until I find that still.

Believe me I will find it.

They don't call be Bulldog Brennan for nothing.

(audience laughs)

- Where is the still?

- I've dismantled it.

- Good, then you won't be able to make enough fuel

to take Mrs. Brown to Venus.

- Perhaps.

We'd simply use whatever I'd prepared.

It should be enough to land on a lonely asteroid

and make a romantic life far from the maddening crowd.

Then I'll really have her to myself.

(audience laughs)

(sneezes)

- If I don't find that book, with that antidote,

and counterbalance Mrs. Brown's spray,

Uncle Martin's cooked.

Where could he have hidden that book?

I've heard of crafty Martians, but this is ridiculous.

(bag rustles)

(objects bang)

Martian Compendium of Home Remedies

or What To Do Until The Zygablat Comes home.

(audience laughs)

Why that crafty--

Page 64.

Page 64.

64

It's in Martian.

(book slams shut)

I can translate it if I can just find

his English-Martian dictionary.

That's beautiful,

that means I have to look for another book.

(audience laughs)

(objects bang)

(suspenseful orchestral interlude)

If only I could think like a Martian.

Maybe a sandwich will give me strength.

(playful orchestral music)

Now, for a lovesick Martian,

where would I hide a dictionary?

Martian to English.

Oh boy, is that Martian lovesick!

(audience laughs)

See a ...

A wiggly line.

It's an A.

A line that looks like an S.

What do you know, it's an S.

- Hello Tim.

All is in readiness.

What are you doing?

- Oh, nothing, nothing, Uncle Martin.

You just can't go like this.

There's nothing else I can do Tim.

Your friendship has meant a great deal to me

and I hate long farewells so,

so I'll say only (speaks in Martian).

(audience laughs)

- What?

- Well it loses in the translation Tim,

but roughly it means, (sniffs) goodbye.

- No wait a minute,

do you have to go at this minute?

- No, no, no, the bird is on the wing Tim,

the bird is on the wing.

It's time to sweep sugar plum off her feet,

and onto Venus.

Goodbye!

- Star with a dot over it, star with a dot over it.

P

Question mark, crazy little ...

N, N.

A S P I R I N

A S P I R I N

Aspirin!

Aspirin!

You mean that is the antidote for all that!

(audience laughs)

(door slams)

Mrs. Brown!

Mrs. Brown!

Oh my gosh!

Get the canvas!

(frantic orchestral music)

- Lorelei, I've always said you make the greatest

fudge brownies in the world.

As Wordsworth said, if music be the food of love, play on.

- I'll believe you'll find

that William Shakespeare said that.

- Your ignorance is showing O'Hara.

I'll prove I'm right.

- Oh, I think the book you'll like is over there.

- Oh yes, quotations, quotations, ah yes, quotations.

Music, music, music, music ...

If music be--

Well I don't understand it.

This book does credit Shakespeare.

- Perhaps the book is wrong.

Why don't you try another.

- Don't be sarcastic O'Hara.

(magical music)

You know sometimes I think--

There it is again.

- There what is again?

- That same odor.

(sniffs)

It's coming from your kitchen Lorelei.

- Well, now that's funny.

I don't have anything cooking.

- Of course not my dear.

This cut rate Capone knew I was closing in,

so he's planted a still in your window box.

(audience laughs)

- Oh, that's impossible Bill.

The window box is full of geraniums.

(magical music)

Ooh!

- Be calm Lorelei, it must be a fuse.

I'll take care of it.

- Mrs. Brown

Mrs. Brown, where are you!

What are you doing here?

- Nor snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloomy night,

staves this courier from his loved one's sight.

- Oh, the postman, does Mrs. Brown know you're here?

- You're trying to take her away from me too!

- Uncle Martin, I know you're in a hurry,

but aren't you making a little mistake?

- Oh, good grief.

(audience laughs)

- What were you doing in the kitchen?

- My love is like a choice filet,

so tender and so sweet,

I adore Mrs. Brown if I may say,

it's her, I'd love to eat.

- Oh no!

- Oh yeah!

- I fixed it Lorelei.

- I have something for you.

- Oh my!

- Mrs. Brown, have an aspirin.

- But I don't have a headache.

- You will.

- Tim I don't understand you today.

- Mrs. Brown, have you ever tried a fudge brownie sandwich?

- No, I --

- Well it's the new taste sensation.

- Oh really.

- Here Mrs. Brown, and while you're having

your fudge brownie sandwich,

I'll just step into your closet

and uh, knit a sweater.

What are you doing here?

- I was driving down the street in my truck,

ringing the little bells,

when I just couldn't help myself.

- Welcome to the club.

- Please, don't breathe so heavily,

you're melting my ice cream bar.

(audience laughs)

(group argues)

- Put me down!

- Oh, now, now, now, my little sugar plum.

The next time your twinkle toes touch the Earth,

it won't be the Earth.

(comical orchestral flourish)

- But Martin, I have guests!

- You don't have to worry about those bores

any longer Lorelei.

It will be you and I among the stars!

- Oh Martin, you're so romantic.

- Uncle Martin, will you wait, you can't!

- I'm sorry Tim, but que sera, sera!

(audience laughs)

- Tim!

- Well, then you take one, will you please!

- [Martin] Voila!

- Ouch!

Tim that hurt!

- I'm sorry Mrs. Brown!

It hurt!

Of course it hurt!

You're going to have a headache Mrs. Brown,

a terrible headache, and I just happen to have some aspirin.

Here take one, take two!

(audience laughs)

- Alright sugar plum it's time we--

(musical punctuation)

Tim, what am I doing?

- [Brennan] Pussycat?

(magical music)

(magical music)

(wheels creek)

(magical music)

(magical music)

Pussycat!

You'll catch your death.

(musical punctuation)

What's going on here Lorelei?

- Oh Sweetbread, I don't think--

(musical punctuation)

say, do you realize you haven't paid me

for them spare ribs?

- Well Tim, as Virgil said,

love conquers all ...

Most.

(audience laughs)

- Yeah, but poor Mrs. Brown.

You know, I think she's going to miss that excitement,

all that attention.

- I think I have the solution to that problem too.

- That's the spritz.

- Uh-hm, just enough left, a drop,

just enough for her to taper off.

(comical orchestral flourish)

(whimsical orchestral theme music)