Original subtitles

(eerie music)

- Me me me me me.

Me me me me me.

* Do ra me fa si la ti do

* Do ti la si fa me ra do

(symphonic music)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin look.

I've got my fingers on D7 see now look.

(strums guitar)

I guess I better take lessons huh?

(audience laughs)

Well, you little old martian moonshiner you.

I guess you'll be the first interplanetary bootlegger huh?

- Tim, I find your allegation highly imaginative,

but incorrect.

This happens to be a model of

a martian audio energy converter.

- Oh I thought it was something complicated.

- You know Tim, energy can change it's form

just as water can change from a fluid to solid ice or steam.

- That much I knew.

- The converter simply changes musical energy

into liquid form.

I was just processing music

I had prerecorded before you entered.

- Do you mean that that stuff is music juice?

- Mm hmm, martian musical distillate to be precise.

Martians apply to the body

and enjoy music as a total sensation.

- That's a gas.

- One of my most memorable musical experiences on Mars

was slipping into a hot tub of Beethoven's 5th.

(audience laughs)

- Well don't be selfish, come on let me try it.

- Very well, but just a drop.

Because the effects are quite different on earth people.

(laughs)

- That's funny, I don't feel a thing.

(strums)

(acoustic guitar music)

That's great, how'd I do it?

- The distillate is too volatile for your primitive

neuro system, so it ionized.

Thus causing you to play the music just as it was recorded.

- Well spray on McDuff, bird land here I come.

- No Tim, if you want a musical career

you must earn it through effort.

Victory cheaply won is a hollow crown.

- Oh come on now Uncle Martin,

I can't be washed up that fast.

- You're not washed up Tim,

you're dried out.

(audience laughs)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" George Greeley)

(instrumental music)

- So now Martin, Mrs. Brown wants us to,

Uncle Martin?

(instrumental music)

(audience laughs)

(strums guitar)

(acoustic guitar music)

(cracks) (audience laughs)

Uncle Martin?

I think I plinked when I should've plunked.

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin it uh,

it worked great before, what happened?

- You used too much distillate.

Your musical ability factor couldn't absorb it.

So the energy backed up and destroyed your guitar.

Well I hope this teaches you not to tinker

with unknown devices.

If you'd been playing the trombone at the time,

you'd have blown us all through the roof.

(audience laughs)

There, now I can spray on the right amount.

It's Mrs. Brown.

- Oh I forgot, Mrs. Brown is playing piano

for her lady's guild meeting today

and we're supposed to go down and listen.

- Hm, put this in the cabinet and tell Mrs. Brown

we're on the way, I better get this thing our of sight.

You know something? (knocks)

It does look like a bootlegger's distill.

- Oh yeah.

(knocks)

- Oh Tim hurry.

Our treasurer is just giving her report

on foreign aid and knitting

and then I'm going to play the piano under new business.

Where's your uncle, isn't he coming?

- Uncle Martin, yes well sure he is.

- Well I better get him, you know how men are.

- No Mrs. Brown you can't, you see he,

well he's hiding something.

He's hiding your birthday present, that's what it is.

Happy birthday.

- Oh well now how did you know my birthday was next month?

- Oh I don't know it was just some kind of

a wild wild guess.

Why don't you just go back to your meeting

and we'll be right down okay?

- Well alright, but hurry up.

Our chairwoman is Mrs. Wooster and she hates

to be kept waiting, it bothers her sinuses.

(audience laughs)

- So Mrs. Wooster's downstairs.

I wonder if that had anything to do with it.

- To do with what?

- The pain in the neck I've had all morning.

(audience laughs)

- But they're on the way Mrs. Wooster,

can't we wait a bit longer?

- That's up to you and the other girls Lorelei,

I wouldn't dream of rushing you if it weren't for my head.

It's not important.

- Another sinus headache?

- Migraine.

- Lorelei how can you be so inconsiderate?

I think we should-- (buzzes)

- Oh they're here, I'll hurry.

- Her tenants, I don't know what the uncle does,

but Tim O'Hara is with the newspaper, local news.

- Local news, isn't that interesting.

- Oh Mrs. Wooster,

I'd like you to meet my friends.

This is Martin O'Hara.

- A pleasure Mrs. Wooster.

Mrs. Brown speaks of you so glowingly I've come to regard

you as a legend.

- Yes, you needn't apologize for detaining us.

- Well I didn't intend--

- [Mrs. Wooster] And you must be Tim O'Hara.

You want details for your story about our lady's guild.

You are in local news aren't you?

- Well yes Mrs. Wooster.

- Well I wouldn't dream of imposing.

I'm not well enough to press the point.

If you're not interested I can't.

- Well it's not that I'm not interested.

- Oh I know you'll do a marvelous job on the story

you'll write about us.

Ladies, ladies let us begin our search for musical talents.

- Well she roped me in.

- Mm hmm, Tim you've just been manipulated by a woman

who gets what she wants by remembering

that old Venetian adage.

- What's that?

- Speak softly but cry a lot.

(audience laughs)

- Our first contestant will be Mrs. Brown.

Lorelei, quickly dear.

(plays piano)

- Dear, I guess I need my music.

I left it at Tim's place when I was dusting.

No no no you just sit still.

I don't want you to miss a thing.

I'll be right back.

- Well, let's go on.

Our next contestants will be a musical trio.

Ladies.

(blows note)

* Gentle ladies sing this song

* Do dah do dah

(audience laughs)

* Oh dah dah do dah day

* Oh ride 'til the morn

* Ride 'til the day

* I'll bet my money on a bob tailed man

(audience laughs)

* Somebody bet on

* Somebody bet on

* Somebody bet on the babe

* Bet on the babe

(claps)

- Oh my birthday present.

Perfume, oh how thoughtful of the boys.

Well it is different.

- I can't recall ever hearing anything more original.

(audience laughs)

- And one.

(plays piano)

- Marvelous.

- Uncle Martin she's great.

- You were just as good earlier today.

- Oh sure, but I had your jazz juice.

Your jazz juice?

- She must've used the distillate

when she went to get her music.

Tim, this could be serious.

- What's serious, so she wins the talent search, that's all.

Now who could that possibly hurt?

Come on Mrs. Brown!

- Well that's it I guess.

At least, well I can't play anymore.

- My dear you were marvelous.

Ladies I move that Lorelei be named winner

of our musical talent search by unanimous consent.

(claps)

- Oh I'm so excited.

- And furthermore because of her gifts for piano,

I move that she be made the soloist at our forthcoming

charity musical.

- Great!

- Stop that, you heard Mrs. Brown play before she

used the distillate.

- Yeah, she was miserable.

Oh yeah.

She was miserable.

Mrs. Wooster

- Here's your story Mr. O'Hara, the story of Lorelei Brown.

Unknown and unsung, until I summoned her forth

to meet her destiny.

- I'm so excited, oh thank you for discovering me.

- Lorelei don't you think you're being a bit premature?

A concert isn't-- - Mr. O'Hara,

a star is born.

You may quote me.

- [Lorelei] I'm so excited.

Oh I'm so glad you came down.

I've been so busy practicing for the musical

that I've just been in a tizzy.

This morning I almost put starch in the birdbath.

Wouldn't that be awful,

well I'd have a yard full of stiff robins.

(audience laughs)

- About your concert debut Lorelei.

- Oh I'm so excited.

- Well we know yes, what we'd really like to know.

- Oh my brownies are in the oven,

excuse me I don't want them to burn.

- Well, what are you gonna do,

you tell me, you're the martian.

- As I see it we can't tell Lorelei that she can't play,

it would hurt her feelings.

- You're right it wouldn't be very nice to say,

Mrs. Brown, your music (grunts).

(audience laughs)

- The purpose of the musical is to raise money for charity,

that's terribly important to Lorelei.

- Alright so the musical is for charity so what?

They won't even make two cents if she sits down and plays,

everyone will ask for their money back.

- Everything's alright, I forgot to turn the oven on.

Would you like some nuts?

- Well Lorelei, Tim has just been commenting

that your musical will give it's proceeds to charity.

- Yes, all the ticket money goes to charity.

We better sell an awful lot of tickets.

Do you think we will?

- Well I don't know Lorelei,

that depends on your performance.

- Martin, I can't play that concert.

There aren't that many people who'd pay to hear me.

We need a major attraction.

- An excellent idea Lorelei,

and I'd like to suggest one of the worlds

foremost concert pianists.

- Oh well that'd be wonderful, why we'd set, oh no.

- Are your brownies burning again?

- No, when I turned the oven on, I forgot to put them in.

(audience laughs)

- Well I've got to hand it to you.

Who's this concert pianist that you're gonna get?

- Professor Ilya Plotnikov.

- Plotnikov? - Mm hmm.

- The Plotnikov that I interviewed for the paper last year?

- Yes, don't you remember you said

he was one of the world's greats.

- Yes, was was right.

He won't play anymore, he's retired.

All he wants to do is teach.

Matter of fact he told me himself, he said,

no one in this world could ever get him to play again.

- Perhaps, but remember Tim, your Uncle Martin

is out of this world.

(audience laughs)

(instrumental music)

- And this must be your Uncle Martin?

- Martin O'Hara, maestro Plotnikov.

- Good, good, but first, I don't play concerts anymore.

Now gentlemen, lets sit down and talk about something else,

please sit down here Mr. O'Hara, it's a nice chair.

- Thank you very much maestro Plotnikov,

but I wish that you would reconsider

because a performance by Plotnikov would be of great value

to his students.

- Mr. O'Hara, my students don't need to hear me play.

They need me to teach them.

Please Mr. O'Hara sit down here, this is a good chair.

- Thank you.

- Besides, teaching is my whole life.

- Ah teaching, an activity requiring a high degree

of orderly planning and disciplined preparation.

Just like the concert stage.

- Yes, that's my life, order.

Meticulous concern for fine details.

Organization in all things.

My life is all order and discipline.

(instrumental music)

- This can't be our pianist.

I mean, I don't think in all this mess

he could find his own piano.

- Plotnikov is a genius by earth standards Tim,

commonplace things can escape his notice.

But once he's forced to look around him,

I think he'll want to play at the musical

and resume his concert career.

- Well force him, force him.

- Now gentlemen, let's continue our talk.

- With pleasure Professor, I'm particularly interested

in your fine library.

I don't imagine you'd let your students use it?

They're very careless.

- Yes, I don't understand their lack of discipline.

And as you can see my library is thoroughly organized.

It's disciplined.

My pipe.

(audience laughs)

Where could it have gone?

The piano, I must've left it over there.

Music papers, manuscripts,

how can you find anything in such a, such a.

- Would a mess be the word you're groping for Professor?

- Mr. O'Hara, you have hit the proverbial point exactly

on the pitch.

No wonder my pupils are a mess.

I'm a mess, this whole place is a mess.

You're right, I'm afraid I haven't set too good an example.

- Then why not begin by being the guest star

of the lady's league musical?

What better way to get back into harness

than prove disciplined preparation to your students?

- I like it, I like the idea.

- You know Mr. O'Hara, your troubles are over, you have me.

- Mr. O'Hara, how could you?

- Well I'm afraid we can't reveal that, Mrs. Wooster.

You see the important thing is, we did get Plotnikov.

- And that will certainly enhance your charity fund,

Mrs. Wooster, that is, if that is your primary concern.

- Well of course it is.

- Well you can always discover me another time.

- We don't have another concert until next year.

- Oh dear another sinus attack.

- No this time it's an idea.

Why can't we have Plotnikov and you?

My husband is on the university board,

I'm sure he could make the Professor understand.

The two of you could play a duet.

- A duet?

Mrs. Brown and?

- Oh that's a fabulous idea.

Say how about Swan Lake?

- Well that depends, if you want it for playing,

or drowning. (audience laughs)

(piano music)

- Hey, that deserves a hand.

- And Mrs. Brown will get this in the form of hand lotion.

I must prepare it immediately for the musical tomorrow night

and no matter what Tim, one of us must make sure

Lorelei uses it.

(instrumental music)

- Now what's a nice girl like you

doing in a nice place like this?

- Observing, I study composition with Professor Plotnikov.

- Really, well it paid off, you've got nice composition.

Now don't go away.

- Oh Tim, oh I'm glad you're here.

I'm getting nervous just waiting.

- Why, there's nothing to worry about,

you still have that hand lotion that Uncle Martin gave you?

- Oh yes, yes, he's so thoughtful.

- Well then everything's just fine, see you.

(instrumental music)

- Strange young man.

- As soon as the concert's over we'll just go out

for a little dinner, just the two of us together.

- Come here.

- Now stay here.

Oh will you relax, everything's cool.

- Too cool Tim, the theater is air conditioned.

That means it' being steadily dehumidified.

If the humidity is lowered anymore,

the musical distillate will evaporate and Mrs. Brown

will be in trouble.

I'll have to get into the air conditioning room,

and make sure the dehumidifier is off.

You just keep an eye on Mrs. Brown,

and make sure she uses the lotion.

- Count on me.

- I'm afraid I'm limited to that.

(audience laughs)

- Now.

(instrumental music)

- It's chilly in here, my hands are freezing.

- Oh well I've got something for that.

Martin says Vankiver and uses it all the time.

- Well if it's good enough for him,

it's certainly good enough for me.

- Hey, Mrs. Brown, your hand lotion.

- Marvelous, it was absorbed immediately.

Very refreshing.

- Oh now look whatever you do, don't move.

Stay right there, don't move.

- Uncle Martin, the hand lotion.

- Tim I heard it just as I materialized.

Why didn't you watch her more closely.

Nevermind, this is very serious.

Without the lotion containing distillate,

Mrs. Brown will be disgraced.

- Sorry Mr. Martin I tried, really I did.

- I'm sure, but more with the young lady

than with Mrs. Brown.

And to make matters worse, the distillate

has a reverse effect on musical geniuses

like maestro Plotnikov.

In fact, there was enough distillate in that hand lotion

to make him a musical nincompoop.

- Well do something, do anything, make some more.

(applause)

It's too late.

She's announced them.

- Tim, I can't let both Mrs. Brown and maestro Plotnikov

look ridiculous.

Neither one of them would ever quite recover from it.

(snaps)

(snaps)

I've silenced their pianos Tim.

- But they're about to play.

- They'll think they are.

(piano music)

- I just don't believe it.

- Well Tim, as I once said to Bill Shakespeare,

when we were collaborators.

Alls well that ends.

(piano music)

- It's coming from Mrs. Browns house, but how?

I thought she couldn't.

- She must've got her hands on some of my musical distillate

but I don't know how.

(knocks)

- Well hello boys.

- Hello Mrs. Brown, we thought we heard sounds

of a piano coming from your house.

- Oh yes, isn't it lovely, come on in,

you'll really enjoy it.

- She's not very modest about it.

- Sit down and listen.

(piano music)

Isn't it just wonderful?

- Isn't what wonderful?

- The player piano silly.

Professor Plotnikov sent it to me as a gift

for my playing the concert with him.

(audience laughs)

Now I can accompany myself while I master the cello.

(audience laughs)

(screeches)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" George Greeley)