Original subtitles

(jaunty orchestral music)

(car engines racing)

(car tires squealing)

(audience laughing)

(Martin humming)

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

- Oh, I thought I would, uh, I thought I would put that sofa

against that wall over there.

And take the chairs

and, look those chairs - Yeah, Uncle Martin, look.

Hold it, hold it, will you - that I'm particularly fond

of what I'll do-- - stop the interior decorating

Will you just (whistles) hold it.

The strangest thing just happened to me.

Just as I was turning in the driveway,

these two cars went by, and zoom-zoom-clunk!

- I get the zoom-zoom, but what's the clunk?

- It's this.

See, someone threw this outta one of the two cars,

and it clunked me in the noggin.

- What's in it?

- I don't go around reading other people's mail.

- With that zoom-zoom-clunk delivery service,

you're entitled.

(audience laughing)

Great galloping galaxy.

- What is it?

- A message for TOPSEEK.

- What's TOPSEEK?

- That's the code name for Top Secret,

an extremely idealistic, worldwide organization

for the prevention of hostilities.

- Huh?

Well, what's in the message?

- I have located the headquarters of CRUSH.

It operates out of Mama's Kitchen on Water Street.

They have identified me, and I'm in flight,

but expect to be captured.

Carry on and good luck.

Signed, Operator 006.

- Holy Toledo.

What's CRUSH?

- An international ring of ruthless cutthroats,

loyal to no one and nothing,

and dedicated to gaining power for itself.

It's slogan is, we hate everybody.

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin?

- What?

- Does the message say anything else?

- Yes.

- What?

- Help.

- Thank you. (dramatic orchestral chord)

(audience laughing)

(solid mid-pitched tone ringing)

(series of beeps)

(series of rapid beeps)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" by George Greeley)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

- Yogurt, Incorporated?

(audience laughing)

- Tim, if they called themselves TOPSEEK,

they wouldn't be top secret anymore.

- Well, how'd you know they were here?

- When will you accept the fact

that there's very little a Martian doesn't know.

- Oh.

Boy, I sure hope they don't think

that I'm some sort of a crackpot.

- Of course not.

You're doing your responsibility as a citizen.

Too many people avoid their responsibility,

where the good of the public is concerned.

Well, go ahead, Tim, and good luck.

- Well, now, wait a minute, aren't you gonna go in with me?

- I can't, Tim.

TOPSEEK is bound to investigate anyone,

who brings them information,

and while your background can stand scrutiny, mine can't.

Martians aren't exactly average citizens, remember?

- Yeah, but I need you, Uncle Martin.

- Well, I suppose I can give you moral support.

Okay, carry on, Tim.

(upward sliding tone)

(audience laughing)

- Thanks, Uncle Martin.

- Naturally, we're checking you out, Mr. O'Hara,

although we can't imagine 006 getting

that message to you any way other than you described.

Still, we must make sure.

(buzzer rings)

That must be the report on you now.

Clary here.

Yes, sir!

(audience laughing)

I'll certainly try, sir.

(audience laughing)

(Clary sighs)

Well, you've got a clean bill of health, O'Hara.

And our exec extends his thanks to you,

on behalf of TOPSEEK.

- Well, I, uh, I was glad I could help.

Goodbye.

- Hup, not so fast, O'Hara.

You'll have to remain here now.

I'm afraid you know too much.

Now, for your own safety,

and to guarantee there's no leak about our operation,

we'll have to keep you in, uh, protective custody.

(audience laughing)

However, our exec suggested an alternative.

- What was the alternative?

- What do you know about CRUSH?

- Nothing good.

- That's an understatement.

(audience laughing)

CRUSH is an elaborate counter-spy operation,

and we have reason to believe they can identify

every one of our agents, except 004,

who has a unique cover.

However, the job is too big for one agent.

We need another.

Well, I, uh, I hope you find one.

(dramatic orchestral music)

Me?

(audience laughing)

- We do utilize civilians,

when necessary, O'Hara.

(audience laughing)

The decision's yours, of course.

Think it over, I'll be back.

- Uncle Martin!

(audience laughing)

(downward sliding tone)

(tone dings)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(wavering tone)

(audience laughing)

(wavering tone)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- You can speak freely now, Tim.

I've debugged the room.

(audience laughing)

- Did you hear what he just said?

- I heard.

- Well, don't just stand there, what am I gonna do about it?

- Your duty.

- Oh, now, look.

I, I, I don't even know how to play

this game of secret service.

I, I, when I was a kid, I was terrible at playing I Spy,

and this is no kid game.

I'll bollocks up the whole works.

- You won't, Tim.

I have absolute confidence in you.

- Well, I don't share your confidence.

- Tim, if CRUSH gets the upper hand,

your entire planet is in jeopardy.

- Well, what about yours?

Look, if our planet is in danger,

how about all the other planets in the universe?

And the atmosphere?

And the stratosphere?

Look, one lethal weapon in the hands

of one of those CRUSH kooks, and blowy, that's it!

That's the end of your little hometown back on Mars.

We've gotta crush CRUSH before CRUSH crushes us,

'cause, if we don't crush CRUSH, we could, we could...

I don't know what I'm talkin' about.

(audience laughing)

- You're talking about us both having a stake

in destroying CRUSH, and you're right.

(wavering tone)

Clary's coming back.

(downward sliding tone)

(audience laughing)

(wavering tone)

All right, Tim, I'm with you.

(upward sliding tone)

- Uh, just one second.

What about big ears?

- Oh, yeah.

(horn quacks)

(bell dings twice)

(upward sliding tone)

(audience laughing)

(string plucks)

(smoky saxophone music)

- This is 004, Mr. O'Hara.

(audience laughing)

As I said, she has a unique cover.

- If that's the cover, I'd love to read the book.

(audience laughing)

- Page 27 will fascinate you.

(audience laughing)

- What have you decided, Mr. O'Hara?

- Where do I get my library card?

(audience laughing)

I mean, uh, I'm in.

- Congratulations.

(Tim laughs)

Your operative number will be 006 3/4.

(audience laughing)

See that he's properly outfitted.

- The silk mohair number?

(audience laughing)

- Well, give it a try.

(audience laughing)

Good luck, O'Hara, and good hunting.

- Oh, thank you.

(audience laughing)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Let's try it again,

and this time, please try not to hurt yourself!

- Right.

- Press the cuff link.

- Right.

(mechanism clicks)

(Tim groans painfully)

(audience laughing)

- Forget it.

Let's try the tie.

And, please, aim for the target this time.

(gun fires and metal clangs)

(audience laughing)

- Hey, hey I hit it this time.

(laughs) You know, that sorta tickles.

- Not at the receiving end.

Now let's try the belt.

- Hmm? Oh, yeah.

- Your cover!

You want to knock yourself out?

- Oh, roger.

(audience laughing)

(gas hissing)

(heavy object clunks)

- What was that?

- What was what?

- It sounded like a falling body.

Couldn't be.

Now, don't forget to take cover, when you release the gas.

It's only potent for a short time,

but it knocks anyone out who inhales it.

Now, let's see, cuff links, tie gun, stupefying gas belt.

That's it.

- Yeah, well, don't forget the bandages. (laughs)

(audience laughing)

Thank you, I was running out of fingers.

- I will go and get our final instructions

and be back for you.

Please don't hurt yourself, while I'm gone.

(audience laughing)

(smoky saxophone music)

- Uncle Martin?

Hey!

(audience laughing)

What happened?

(Martin coughs) Here.

Oh, ah!

- I was the falling body.

Next time, will you be careful where you aim that gas?

- I'm, I'm sorry, Uncle Martin.

Look at all the gimmicks I've got, though, huh?

The cuff links, the tie pin, the belt, huh?

- Hmm, rather primitive, but effective.

- Uh-huh, well, uh, how do I look?

- Fine, fine, now just don't point that loaded tie at me.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, yeah.

Hey, what do you think of Kitty?

Isn't she wild?

- Wha--

(wavering tone) She's coming.

I'll see you at Mama's Kitchen, Tim.

Arrivederci.

- Hot lasagna.

(audience laughing)

(smoky saxophone music)

- All set.

They want the name of your next of kin.

Just in case.

- (laughs) Next of k-kin.

(audience laughing)

Roger.

(audience laughing)

- I'm going to the powder room.

That will give me a chance to look around,

and see if I can locate 006.

- Yeah, well, hurry back, will you?

I don't like to eat alone.

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful orchestral music)

(wavering tone)

(audience laughing)

(upward sliding tone)

This is no time for a snack, Uncle Martin.

- [Martin] Relax, I've discovered something, Tim.

But first I have to get rid of fatso.

(wavering tone)

(upbeat jazz music)

- Ignazio! Ignazio!

(wavering tone)

Hey!

(audience laughing)

- Hurry, Tim.

- Who's Ignazio?

- The cook.

I stuck him in a tub of marinara sauce.

- Well, remind me not to eat here anymore.

(audience laughing)

- I think I've discovered the entrance to CRUSH.

- Oh?

- Watch.

(small bell rings and drawer opens)

(audience laughing)

No, no, no.

No, no.

- What?

How 'bout that.

(wavering tone)

- She's coming, Tim.

Carry on.

- Yeah.

(footsteps approaching)

- Shades of Charlie Chan, how did you?

- Simple induction.

(downward sliding tone)

Don't push!

- Who's pushing?

- Oh, yeah.

Follow me.

(head clunks)

(audience laughing)

(mysterious orchestral music)

Hey, why is it doing that?

- Electric eye, I imagine. - Huh.

- It probably reacts, when someone crosses the threshold.

- Oh, well.

(object clunks)

It'll, uh, never make House Beautiful.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

Hey, look at this crazy daisy.

- Ach!

- Kitty?

Kitty?

Kitty?

Kitty?

(audience laughing)

Kitty?

Kitty?

(music swells)

Hey!

Hey, let me outta here!

(man laughing)

- Welcome to CRUSH, dear boy.

(audience laughing).

- Uncle Martin, help!

(tone chimes)

(audience laughing)

(wavering tone)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(jaunty orchestral music)

(container falls to floor)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

- No wonder I thought Big Brother was watching.

Come on, Uncle Martin, get me outta here.

We gotta go find Kitty.

Why that poor girl's--

- Take it easy, Tim.

(wavering tone)

(metal pipes breaking)

(audience laughing)

(metal pipes hit floor)

- Uncle Martin, you are a jewel.

Kitty, thank goodness you're safe.

- Who, who are you?

- The question, young lady, is who are you?

- Well, I, I suppose I'd better tell you,

I am a...

One move, and you will be greeting your ancestors.

They were escaping.

- They wouldn't get very far, my dear.

What do you think of our beautiful, little Kitty?

CRUSH's own little 008.

- Uh, pardon me, she's 004.

- She's a double-agent, working for CRUSH.

004 is 008.

(audience laughing)

- Surprise.

- I warned you, Tim.

They're ruthless, unscrupulous, and--

- Mm-hmm, yeah, I know, and you should never

tell a book by its cover.

- Uh, the gun, 008.

- Yes, sir.

- You look like a reasonable young man.

Your confederate, 006, is being rather stubborn,

(laughs) but I think I can do business with you.

You see, this old girl is rather impetuous,

so don't keep her waiting.

What is the Purple Alert?

- The, uh, Purple Alert?

I have no i--

- Don't move!

(audience laughing)

TOPSEEK has been preparing

the Purple Alert for two years now.

CRUSH wants to know its operations center,

it's striking power, and the personnel involved.

The old girl is impatient.

- I guess you better spill it, Tim.

- I don't know what he's talking about.

And you know, I don't know what he's talking about.

And if I knew what he was talking about,

I wouldn't tell him.

- My patience is at an end.

(wavering tone)

(audience laughing)

(gas hissing)

- Uncle Martin!

Hey, who's doing this?

Uncle Martin!

(audience laughing)

Well, what happened?

- The flower over there.

It gave off a gaseous smokescreen,

which permitted fatso to hogtie us.

- Well, that's just great.

Well, do something about it.

Come on, get us outta here.

Why don't you just use the old levitation finger.

Put it in reverse, or something.

- Well, I'm afraid I'm just as helpless as you are, Tim.

- Oh, come on, now.

I saw you just saw off those bars like they were nothing,

and you turned that pistol into a pretzel.

- That was before nauseous gaseous.

- What are you talking about?

- The smokescreen released by the flower, Tim,

contained an element that affects

the Martian nervous system.

I'm just as helpless as a baby.

I'm afraid CRUSH is even more advanced than I suspected.

They've gone beyond the ordinary,

garden-variety atomic weapon.

Obviously they have plans and weapons for outer space.

- Oh, well, that's just great.

Look, isn't there any antidote for nauseous gaseous?

- Mm-hmm, chlorophyll.

Unfortunately, on Mars, we don't have any greenery,

which supplies it.

- Yes, but we're not on Mars.

Look, you've gotta do something.

(dramatic orchestral chord) Hey.

Hey, what about that plant?

- What plant?

- In the alcove, right there, see it?

(audience laughing)

Look, it's got the big, green, succulent, juicy leaves.

- Hey, that would do it.

- Yeah,

- But how do we get over there to it?

- That's simple.

All we have to do is tumble.

I used to be pretty good at that in high school.

Now, look, all we have to do is synchronize ourselves,

and get up a little momentum, and just rock right in there.

- Okay, start synchronizing.

- Okay, ready?

One.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

That way! - What do you mean? Which way?

- That way! - Which way are you going?

- Your right, my left.

- My right?

- Yeah, your right, that way.

No, no, no, no, no, no. - Which way are we going?

- That way, ready?

One, two.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(audience laughing)

(triumphant orchestral music)

- Okay, we gotta reach the plant.

- Yeah, yeah, but how?

- Push, push and lift okay?

- Oh, oh. - All right up.

(audience laughing)

Let's try it again.

All right

One, two.

(audience laughing)

- That hurts.

- It's hopeless.

- No, no, no, never say die.

- Why don't you tell that to fatso, huh?

(audience laughing)

(Tim groaning)

(audience laughing)

Oh, oh, I'm, I'm seeing things.

- What?

- Oh, sure, I'm seeing things.

(audience laughing)

No, I'm not seeing things.

(both grunting worriedly)

(audience laughing)

We're gonna be mincemeat!

We're gonna be squashed!

Uncle Martin, we're gonna be two blobs in the wall!

Hurry up and do something.

Oh, come on, this is no time to be dainty.

Uncle Martin, I am getting very nervous.

- Well, so am I!

(audience laughing)

- Come on, come on, eat, it's good for you!

(audience laughing)

Oh, oh, come on, come on.

I've heard of small rooms, but this is ridiculous!

(audience laughing)

(wavering tone)

(wavering tone)

(downward sliding tone)

(audience laughing)

- I couldn't get back.

Are you all right?

- A fat lot you care, double 004.

- Oh, you don't understand.

I am a double-agent, but I'm not working for CRUSH,

I'm working for TOPSEEK.

And I found 006.

He's in good shape, but I need help to get him out.

Oh, you don't believe me.

- Should we?

- I can prove it.

(switch clicks and gears whir)

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin, she has antennae just like y--

- J-j-just like a television set.

(audience laughing)

- Calling TOPSEEK, calling TOPSEEK.

Double Acrostic calling TOPSEEK.

Mayday, mayday, authenticate me as double-agent for TOPSEEK,

and send reinforcements.

- Never mind.

And we won't need reinforcements.

Tell them the situation is A-OK and go, all the way.

- Disregard mayday, we can handle.

Double Acrostic signing off.

- Have you lost your mind?

- It's quite all right, Tim.

I read her loud and clear, and she's on the level.

- Thank you.

(switch clicks and gears whir)

(audience laughing)

I, I wish you would tell me who you are.

- Well, let's just say I'm one of you,

but my territory is considerably larger than yours.

I'm a, um, triple agent, and no one, not even TOPSEEK,

must know my identity, if I'm to move freely.

(audience laughing)

- Triple agent?

Now what's the plan?

(audience laughing)

- Diabolic.

Simply diabolic.

- Kee-kee-kee-kee.

- Now?

- Now.

(Kitty screams)

- Welcome to TOPSEEK!

Hah!

(audience laughing)

Oh, aha, aha, oh, aha, ha, ho, ha, oh, oho, ho.

(knife blade clicks out)

Oh, oho, oho, ho.

(gas hissing)

(audience laughing)

Ach.

With this cigar, he didn't need a knife.

(audience laughing)

- Bring him in there.

(mysterious orchestral music)

(wavering tone)

- Good grief, how did you do that?

- A new agricultural process, called growzone.

You should see my tomatoes, really.

(audience laughing)

Now, if you will lead us to 006.

- Heh, I hope somebody remembers to water him.

(audience laughing)

- This way.

- I'll have to clear her mind of all recollection of me,

and do the same to fatso here.

(wavering tone and harp glissando)

(audience laughing)

He won't know me from Father Christmas now.

- I know, Mr. O'Hara was wonderful,

but I don't know how he did it.

- We professionals have a tendency to underestimate

the ingenuity and the courage of the man in the street.

As of this moment, 006 3/4 ceases to exist.

- Oh, well, thanks.

Well, I guess it's time for me to go back to my paper,

and, boy, have I got a story to write.

- I'm afraid you can't write that story, O'Hara.

Our operation must remain top secret.

(audience laughing)

Well, I'll leave you to say your goodbyes to Kitty.

- I'm sorry about your story, Tim.

I wish there was something I could do.

- Well, how about a nice, untamed little dinner for two,

and then we'll take a little drive up Mulholland,

look at the view, and the s--

- I can't, Tim, I'm sorry.

- Why not?

- I just can't get involved.

- All right, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll skip Mulholland, and we'll just go

to a nice, nice motion picture, and we'll hold hands,

'cause who can get hurt holding hands?

(sharp orchestral chord and piano glissando)

(audience laughing)

(smoky saxophone music)

- You see?

It happens every time a fellow reaches for my hand.

- You're overtrained.

(audience laughing)

("My Favorite Martian Theme" by George Greeley)