Original subtitles

- Hi, Uncle Martin.

Oh, listen, I won't be home for dinner tonight,

I have a date with Barbara and I.

(audience laughing)

Who is that?

- [Martin] My mother.

- Your mother?

Well what's she doing?

How'd she?

Is she planning on staying here?

Aren't you gonna introduce us?

- I can't.

You're looking at a memory.

- I am?

- Happily, we Martians

are equipped with video recall projection.

You earth people speak of seeing things in your mind's eye.

We Martians are able to project this image.

Unhappily, it's only an illusion,

a picture in three dimensions.

- Really?

(curious music)

(audience laughing)

- Please, don't run your hand through my mother,

it's disrespectful.

(audience laughing)

- Sorry.

Sorry.

- Dear, mom.

This will be the first Mother's Day

I won't be home to wish her health.

- Mother's Day?

Oh come, that's not even for several months yet,

you still might make it.

- No, Tim,

next Wednesday is Mother's Day on Mars.

- Oh.

Yeah.

Well I wish there was something I could do

to help, Uncle Martin.

Hey look.

Look, suppose I break my date tonight

and you and I go out and have dinner together, okay?

- Oh, thank you, Tim,

you're very considerate.

But I'm afraid neither one of us would enjoy it.

You go ahead.

- Okay.

* Of all the mothers on all the stars

* There are no others like my mother on Mars

* Oh how I long for the day

* When I'll make my way

* To my one and only mother

* Back on Mars

(electronic beeping)

(electronic beeping)

(upbeat playful music)

Well, my watch won't be ready until tomorrow night.

Uncle Martin?

Oh, come on now,

you've been moping around for two days.

You'd think you'd lost your last friend.

- Oh, I'm sorry, Jim.

I guess I haven't been very good company lately.

- Oh, I'm not worried about that,

I'm worried about you.

Look, if you sink any lower, you're gonna have the bends

trying to get back up again.

- Perhaps more awful then.

It's just that today is Mother's Day back home

and I feel terrible about being.

- Oh, come along, Cora.

If you insist upon making a fool of yourself,

do it and be done with it.

- Hey, hello Martin?

- Tim. - What?

- That, that was my mother.

(audience laughing)

- Yeah, I thought she looked familiar.

Your mother?

What did you do?

Leave your video recall,

whatever you call it, turned on?

- No, no it isn't really she.

But the resemblance is uncanny.

They could almost be twins!

- Oh,

oh, what a relief.

For a minute there I thought

we were being invaded

by some little old ladies from Mars.

You can't disappear in the street like that.

Boy, did you panic me.

- Oh, wait a minute, excuse me.

Yes, Mr. O'Hara, was there something else?

- No, no, we were just looking around.

- Yes.

Now then, what can I do for you, madame?

- It's Miss, Miss Cora Darling.

And this is my sister, Miss Dora Darling.

- Cora and Dora, well,

how nice for you.

- Well, now that we've been properly introduced.

From my fiance, they're personal.

- They're love letters.

- Oh, swell, come on, let's get out of here.

- No, Tim, wait,

I've got to do something for her.

Something nice for Mother's Day.

- For Mother's Day?

She isn't even a mother.

And besides, it's not Mother's Day down here.

You go ahead,

you go up and try and give her a present for Mother's Day.

She'll have you locked up as a nut.

- Well it's the least I can do.

She's so much like my own mother.

- Jonathan wasn't all sweet talkin'

pretty phrases, though.

He gave me this, too.

I'm sure it's very valuable.

- What's the matter with her?

(mysterious music)

- She thinks Jonathan and the ring are both worthless.

(mysterious music)

- Well?

- Dora's right, they're both worthless.

(audience laughing)

Allow me.

(mysterious music) (audience laughing)

- Oh, thank you.

Miss Darling, my professional judgment

would indicate that this ring

would be valued somewhere in the neighborhood of

say five.

- You see, a $5 ring, didn't I tell you?

- Oh, no Miss Darling, 5,000.

(audience laughing)

- Thank you very much, Mr. Hoskins.

I'll take the money.

- The money?

I didn't know you intended to sell it.

- Jonathan would have wanted it that way.

- Jonathan may have,

but not Martin O'Hara.

(audience laughing)

- You did what?

- When I picked up the ring,

I applied a jolt of intense heat.

Enough to rearrange the molecular structure of the stone.

For the time being it is a genuine diamond.

- Uncle Martin,

if that were even possible,

there'd be a law against it.

- There are already is.

The forces of law and order

refer to it as grand theft bunco.

In 24 hours,

the molecules will revert to their original pattern

and our honest merchant there

will discover he has paid $5,000 for a piece of glass.

- Do you realize

that's 20 years of just sitting around

chopping on rocks?

Wait a minute, you took the ring

and you handed it to him,

suppose he thinks you and I are involved!

Suppose he thinks we belong to an

international gang of jewel thieves or something!

- At the moment that is of no consequence.

The truly tragic thing

would be if Cora learned

both Jonathan and his ring were frauds.

Her life would be shattered.

And all because I permitted

a bit of personal sentimentality

to cloud my judgment.

Tim, I behaved like an idiot.

- [Tim] Are you sure this is where they live?

- Tim, I'm a Martian, remember?

A Martian may not be always right, but we're never wrong.

Determining the address was extremely simple.

- Oh,

of course, you read their minds.

- On the contrary.

I had no opportunity to read anyone's mind.

- Well then how can you be so positive

that this is the place?

- I looked it up in the phone book.

(audience laughing)

Now if you will stop with your questions,

there's one I'd like answered.

Just what Cora intends to do with that money.

- Maybe.

- [Dora] Where are you, Cora?

- [Cora] I'm here, Dora.

- [Dora] Oh, with that silly cat again.

- There there there, you beautiful Regina.

(cat meowing)

Oh, what a sweet kitty.

Oh dear.

There's that ceiling, they're at it again.

- Well we'll be able to put a stop to that

very shortly now.

- You know, I think I'm going to miss those

little things

when they get the house fixed up.

- [Dora] The termites?

- [Cora] Oh, they're such little Dickenses.

- [Dora] Well I never.

Really Cora,

you're much too sentimental for a girl of your age.

(audience laughing) - Oh, I suppose I am.

In a way,

I feel just terrible about selling Jonathan's ring.

- Oh stop sniveling,

just be grateful it wasn't as worthless as he was.

- He was not worthless,

he was a fine, upstanding gentleman,

and his ring meant a great deal to me.

- [Dora] Have it your own way.

But I never considered the man

other than a fortune hunter.

- [Cora] Dora, you must not say things like that.

Why I don't know what we would have done

if Jonathan's ring hadn't been

so valuable. - Be quiet.

- [Cora] You heard the nice man

from the building say,

he said he'd have to condemn our house

(cat meowing) if we didn't fix it up.

(mysterious music) (audience laughing)

- That one.

The Acme Triple A Building Contractors.

Reconstruction and remodeling is our specialty.

Let's try that one!

(mysterious music)

- Acme Triple A Building Contractors.

(audience laughing)

Reconstruction and remodeling is our specialty.

- Yes,

we intend to make some rather extensive repairs to our home.

- We should be pleased to assist you, madame,

one moment please.

(mysterious music)

(cat meowing) (audience laughing)

Oh, you were saying, madame?

(mysterious music)

- You, you're not straining your finger, are ya?

- No no no, not at all.

I've lifted much heavier weights with it

than those bags of sawdust.

- Oh yes, well I realize I'm just a

mere Earthling, and I don't have your Martian know how

but would you mind telling me

just how you intend to repair the Darlings' house,

with sawdust?

- Well, not being in a financial position

to afford the labor we needed,

I'm merely following an old Martian adage,

necessity is the Martian of invention.

- I thought it was mother.

- My mother is a Martian.

Regina, hurry up, time is of the the essence.

(audience laughing)

- What are they wearing?

- Nails.

Regina and her friends

were gracious enough to allow themselves

to magnetized.

Then they simply paraded

through all the back alleys of the neighborhood

picking up all the discarded nails along the route.

- Oh.

Oh!

You know, come to think of it,

you better not let Detective Brennan

catch you with that hubcap that cat is wearing.

You know he already thinks you're a juvenile delinquent.

- Well I have every intention

of returning it to its rightful owner

as soon as possible.

Now, would you mind sorting the nails?

- Sorting the nails?

How do I do that?

- Oh, well, I'll demagnetize the cats.

(mysterious music)

(audience laughing)

Now, I suggest that you pull the eight pennies in one pile,

the roofing nails in another and so on.

- You mean by hand?

- I'm afraid so.

There are certain things an Earthling can do

equally as well as a Martian.

One of them is sorting nails by hand.

(audience laughing)

- Makes a fella,

sort of proud, doesn't it?

(audience laughing)

(mysterious music)

Just as a matter of idle curiosity,

what happens when that two by four

reverts back into saw dust?

Does Dora and Cora's house come tumbling down?

- It won't revert.

This is an entire different process

from the glass to diamond mutation.

That was tampering with natural molecular structure.

This is restoration of original structure.

The lumber will be as good as new.

(mysterious music)

(audience laughing)

- Isn't that, that, I don't believe that.

(mysterious music)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

You know,

it's too bad you weren't around

when they were building Rome.

They might have made it in a day.

- Unfortunately, we don't have a complete day.

In something in less than eight hours

that diamond will again become glass.

(audience laughing)

And one hope may be that Mr. Hoskins

will not have the occasion

to look at that ring before we can finish.

But it's going to be close, Tim.

It's going to be very very close.

- Well I have every confidence I you, Uncle Martin.

Play on!

(audience laughing)

(upbeat whistling)

- Quick, grab that saw!

- You mean work?

- Quit arguing, the Darling sisters are coming!

- [Tim] Ah, good morning, ladies,

I hope we didn't disturb you.

- Oh, my gracious no!

We just love the sound of busy busy busy,

don't we, Dora!

- I expected a much larger crew.

- Oh, well, you should have been here a few minutes ago,

you would have seen plenty.

(light instrumental music)

(audience laughing)

- Next section, please.

(cat meowing)

(cat meowing)

(cat meowing) (audience laughing)

Are you sure that part of the sub floor's alright?

(cat meowing)

I'm not questioning your judgment, Regina,

I just want you to double check.

(cat meowing)

Thank you.

Jupiter deliver us from temperamental cats.

- What's she doing under the floor anyway?

- Saving me a great deal of precious time

by inspecting the sub flooring.

(cat meowing)

Thank you, Regina, thank you.

Next section, please.

She is also happily,

a veritable fountain of information

about the Darlings and Jonathan Miller.

- You mean she's a gossip.

(audience laughing) - Shh!

Not so loud, she'll hear you.

(audience laughing)

- Well, what about?

- The Darlings and Jonathan Miller.

Apparently he wasn't here too well

and, as Dora said, a fortune hunter.

He absconded to South America with Cora's dowry.

Promising to invest it, make a fortune

then come back and marry her.

- Why that dirty--

- Agreed, agreed.

However, Cora has been spared disillusionment.

It may be a false memory,

but so long as it brings her happiness,

who are we to destroy it?

Sorry Regina.

(mysterious music)

Saturn sainted rains,

did I misjudge the time?

- On what?

- In wonder if I miscalculated the atmospheric pressure.

No matter.

Our honest jeweler is driving up to the house

with a detective from the Bunco Squad

and I want you to keep him off balance.

(audience laughing)

- Mr. Hoskins, what a surprise!

- Oh, O'Hara.

Well, what are you doing here?

- What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

- [Hoskins] What am I doing here?

You were in the shop yesterday

when those two women robbed me.

- Robbed you?

Why, Mr. Hoskins, what are you talking about?

- I'll tell you what I'm talking about.

Do you see this?

That is a piece of glass.

I paid $5,000 for a piece of glass.

- You must be very fond of glass.

(audience laughing)

- I do not like glass.

I bought a diamond and somehow someone,

switched the real article on me after I paid for it.

- I can't believe it.

The Darling sisters seem so

so sincere.

- They're the worst kind.

(audience laughing)

- What the!

- How long can you keep 'em chasing it?

- Not very long.

I've got to find a more permanent solution.

- There it goes! - Get it, get it get it!

(audience laughing)

All we're chasing is glass.

- It's evidence!

(audience laughing)

There it is, there it is.

- [Detective] Wait, wait wait, I got it, I got it.

Oh no, there it is.

There it is,

there it is under the chair.

- Later, Regina.

I told you I'd get you the fish.

(audience laughing)

Wait a minute.

Regina.

How would you like two frozen fish dinners

instead of one? - There it is.

There it is.

In the fireplace!

I've got it.

(audience laughing)

Out of my way!

- Where is it?

Where is it?

- There it is, the cat's got it!

(audience laughing)

- [Detective] Here kitty!

Here kitty!

Kitty kitty kitty!

(audience laughing)

(playful upbeat music)

- Things are pretty messed up in there, Miss Darling.

- That doesn't disturb me, I wish my knitting.

- Oh, well perhaps I can get it for you.

- Young man,

are you trying to hide something from me?

- Oh no, no!

No, it's just that,

well maybe I better peek,

make sure it's safe.

Uncle Martin, company.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(energetic playful music)

Uh, Uncle Martin.

- Tim, I can't get finished

with all these interruptions.

- Uncle Martin,

Miss Darling, won't you come in.

- I thought you might like

a nice cup of hot tea

and some cookies to give you energy.

- Well that's very kind of you, Miss Darling.

(audience laughing)

Thank you, very much.

(audience laughing)

(energetic playful music)

(whistles)

There you are, all done.

Inside and out.

- Just in time, too.

I am exhausted

from watching you.

(audience laughing)

- May we come in?

- Oh, please do.

- It's just beautiful.

I don't see how you did the whole house so fast!

- I strongly suspect it's all on the surface.

And I suggest that we withhold payment

until we can thoroughly examine the work.

- We will do no such thing.

The trouble with you Dora

is you have no faith in people.

Why you never had any faith in Jonathan

and if it hadn't been for him,

I just don't know what we'd have done

and neither do you.

You try looking for the best in people, Dora,

instead of the worst

and believe me, you'll be a much happier woman.

- You tell her, mom!

(audience laughing)

Wasn't she magnificent, Tim?

Wasn't she absolutely magnificent?

My own mother would have said it

in just that way.

- Well I hate to break up a tender moment

but what about Mr. Hoskins

and the detective?

- Mr. Hoskins and that detective

are a very small problem, Tim.

- Well can't you reach her yet?

(cat meowing) (audience laughing)

- How could I reach her?

If I go up any higher on this

the down spout will break.

- Mr. Hoskins.

Mr. Hoskins, I happen to have

a great deal of faith in the Darling sisters,

I'm sure this whole thing was a great misunderstanding.

Would you be willing to return the ring

for exactly what you paid for it?

- It's a deal.

- Thank you very much, Mr. Hoskins.

Regina!

(cat meowing) (audience laughing)

- Well, like I said, Uncle Martin,

if you ever have any really big problems,

maybe I can help.

(audience laughing)

Say, Uncle Martin,

how come you didn't give Cora back the ring?

- When a person knowingly makes a sacrifice, Tim,

it ill behooves an outsider

to make that sacrifice unnecessary.

It becomes then only a hollow gesture.

- Well I hadn't thought of it that way.

I guess that makes sense.

You know when I stop to think about it,

every time Cora looks at the house,

she's gonna think of Jonathan.

Matter of fact, she's surrounded by Jonathan.

- And I'm sure Jonathan would have wanted it that way.

- Hey, what are you gonna do with the ring?

- Give it to my mother.

Next Mother's Day I hope.

- Oh, well, she'll be thrilled.

I mean here's a $5,000 piece of glass,

she couldn't huck for a buck.

- I would say closer to 10,000.

- What do you mean 10,000?

- Not dollars, Dracolines.

That's the Martian equivalent of your dollar.

This ring will be worth about,

10,000 Dracolines.

- What?

- Of course.

Diamonds are so plentiful on Mars

they're almost worthless,

but glass, genuine glass

is almost impossible to obtain.

(audience laughing)

- You mean to tell me that that ring

is worth $10,000?

(audience laughing)

- What a pity,

that would have made you a millionaire on Mars, Tim.

(audience laughing)

(playful upbeat music)

(dramatic instrumental music)