Original subtitles

- There's no doubt about it, Tim.

I am beginning to show my age.

- You?

Oh, come on Uncle Martin, you look great.

Why, you look a lot better than...

Well, you look a lot better than...

Come to think of it, I don't know anyone else

who's 400 years old.

- Well, then you'll just have to take my word for it.

I'm no longer the Martian I used to be, Tim.

Ah.

And this is a very serious matter, Tim,

because it is undoubtedly due to the differential

in your time cycle.

Actually, I'm not due for rejuvenation

for another 100 years.

- Rejuvenation?

- Yes, the process we Martians use to keep us young.

It's a standard procedure with our 500 year

or one billion mile checkup.

Seeing as I can't wait until I get back home...

- You are going to rejuvenate yourself?

Now, and here?

With that gadget?

- Tim.

Calling this a gadget is like calling Buckingham Palace

a track house.

This is a rejuvenation bulb, model ZY13.

- How about that?

It's sort of a 110 watt fountain of youth, huh?

How's it work?

- Oh, it's very simple, really.

I merely bathe myself in this black light for four seconds.

- Black light?

- Exactly.

The absence of light rays, plus a few other things

that you wouldn't understand, invert the maturing process.

Which in turn revitalizes every fiber of my being.

Now, if you'll be kind enough to switch the lamp on,

Count to four, then switch the lamp off,

I'll be as good as new.

And Tim, whatever you do, don't switch it off

until after you count four.

- Well.

We Earth people may not be very bright,

but I think we can count to four, I think.

- All right then.

Point it toward me, and turn it on.

- All right.

That right?

- Okay.

- Well I'll be...

- [Martin] Well just don't stand there, Tim.

Pick me up.

(beeping)

(mischievous music)

- I had to find a Martian to become a mother.

What happened?

- [Martin] Obviously you turned off the lamp

before the count of four.

- Well I did not turn it off.

I happened to kick out the cord.

See?

- [Martin] Nevertheless, you extinguished the glow

of the black light before the rejuvenation process

was completed, leaving me in the infantile state.

- Yeah, well.

What am I supposed to do?

Adopt you?

Just one second.

I know you're a baby.

But you're talking.

I mean, I can hear you,

but your mouth isn't moving.

- [Martin] Tim, I'm an infant.

My vocal chords have yet to function properly.

However, if you recall, I told you Martian children

are born with complete mental faculties.

Ergo, I'm speaking to you through brain waves.

- Oh, yes.

Well of course, that makes sense.

- [Martin] For heaven's sake, prop me up on the couch,

focus the black light on me,

and put the plug back into the wall socket

so I can return to my own magnificent form.

- All right.

Your body may be smaller,

but your head is just as big as it ever was.

- [Martin] Dispense with your primitive Earthly sarcasm.

Please do as I say, and quickly.

- All right, all right, okay.

Well, I don't know.

There's something nice about having a baby around the house.

The pitter-patter of tiny feet.

- [Martin] Tim, there is a time for levity and a time for...

(knocking)

- Panic.

Who is it?

- Lieutenant Brennan.

(stuttering)

- Get smaller, hmm?

- Just me, O'Hara.

Is...

Well hello.

Is that a baby you're holding?

- A baby?

- Uh huh.

- Well so it is.

(laughing)

- Whose is it?

- Whose is it?

- Yes.

- Well, I found him.

- Found him?

- Yes.

Yes, you see, someone left him on my doorstep,

and I'm taking care of him until whoever he belongs to

comes back to get him.

Oh, feel that?

There seems to be a terrible draft in the room.

Lieutenant, would you mind closing the door,

preferably from the outside?

- Now just a minute, O'Hara.

Much as I dislike coming to your aid,

I feel it is my duty to inform you

that you could get into serious trouble with the authorities

for not calling the police.

However, as long as you cooperate.

- Cooperate?

- When a child is abandoned, it becomes a ward of the city.

As an officer of the law, I'll see to it

that he's turned over to the juvenile authorities

at city hospital.

I'll take him now, if you don't mind.

Thank you.

- Well now, hold just one second here.

I found him, and it's finders keepers.

- And losers weepers, start crying, O'Hara.

- Uncle Martin is not going to like this.

- I thought there was something more cheerful

about your apartment today.

Your uncle isn't here.

Where is he, and I hope it's permanent?

- Well, let's just say,

he's wrapped up in something right now.

- Well, when he gets back, do tell him I didn't miss him.

- Oh Lieutenant, look.

Couldn't I just say goodbye to the little tyke?

- Well, I suppose it'd be all right.

I'd better check in with headquarters anyway

and tell them where I'll be.

(dialing phone)

- All right, brilliant baby,

what do we do now?

- Get my rejuvenation bulb

and bring it down to the hospital nursery.

We'll have to restore me down there.

- Hello, Sergeant.

Lieutenant Brennan.

Look, I've got an abandoned infant on my hands.

Don't ask me how, I'm taking him down to the hospital.

Yeah, I'll check in with you when I get there.

Right, bye.

Okay, O'Hara.

Time to go bye-bye.

Bye bye bye.

Chin up, little fella.

Don't cry.

They'll take good care of you.

I'll try to see you again after I make out my report.

- [Woman] Dr. Warren, go to 561 West.

Dr. Warren, 561 West, please.

(babies crying)

- Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Over here, Tim.

- Well where?

All of you look alike.

- [Martin] To your right, the third crib from the end,

and hurry.

- One, two, three...

- [Martin] The noise in here is shattering

my delicate sounding devices.

- Oh, that you?

- [Martin] Of course it's me.

Do I need blue booties to prove it?

Did you bring the bulb?

- Yeah.

Yeah, I put it in the linen closet just down the hallway.

Now don't worry, you'll be back to your old self

before you can say coochie coochie coo.

- [Martin] None too soon to suit me,

I've never been so mortified in my whole life.

Especially the ride down here with that Brennan

playing with my toes, tickling me.

- Oh yeah.

Hey, you know it's a lucky thing for him

he didn't try to burp you.

- Unluckily for him, he did try.

- Put that baby back.

Why, you new fathers ought to be ashamed of yourselves,

sneaking in here like this.

- New fathers?

New fathers.

- Yes.

- Oh yeah.

- Now out you go.

This nursery is off limits

to everyone except doctors and nurses.

- You know--

- Out.

Out, go.

And don't let me catch you in here again!

(knocking)

- The Carson baby's back.

Where shall I put him?

- Oh, put him in here,

and roll him down to the beginning of the line.

- All right.

(whistles)

(babies crying)

- Nurse?

- Oh, I'm taking him to his mother.

Just a few more feet, Uncle Martin, and we're home free.

Okay.

There we go.

Okay.

One second 'til blast off.

One, two, three, four.

That ought to do it.

- Hi doc.

They'd like you in obstetrics right away.

- Obstetrics?

- Mhmm.

They say it's important.

- Can't imagine what they'd want me for.

Mind the store for me, honey, I'll be right back.

- Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Over here, I'm fourth from the end now.

- One, two, three, four.

Is that you this time?

- [Martin] It's me, they moved in a new neighbor

to the head of the line.

- Oh, well that's just great.

Why didn't you tell me?

- Well I couldn't very well

announce the mistake you were making.

How would you have explained it to the nurse?

- How am I gonna explain that six foot baby

I've got down there in the linen closet?

- [Martin] Six feet?

- Well, only when he stands up.

Right now he's sitting on the floor, sucking his thumb.

- [Martin] I was afraid of that.

On an infant earthling, the rejuvenation bulb

advances him physiologically, but not mentally.

We'll have to invert his physical maturity right away.

Let's go.

(tapping)

- It's Brennan.

He wants to see me.

- Well for heaven's sake, get rid of him before he sees you

for whom you really are.

- I'm Lieutenant Brennan.

I brought the abandoned child in a little while ago.

I was wondering if I might see the little fella again

before I left.

- I'm afraid not, it's against the rules.

- Come now, I'm sure it'll be all right,

it'll only take a minute.

Say, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

- I don't think so.

Unless you were one of our babies.

- I never forget a face.

I'm famed for that, you know.

Would you mind taking off the mask?

- Is this the baby you want?

- Nobody wanted me in obstetrics.

What is this, Union Station?

How many times have I told you fathers

that you're not allowed in the nursery?

- [Brennan] I am not the child's father.

- [Nurse] All right, so you're the first male mother

in medical science.

But it doesn't give you the right to come in the nursery

and pick up the babies.

- [Brennan] I didn't pick it up.

The nurse picked it up and handed it to me.

- Sure, she's just giving them away.

- What luck.

You know for a minute, I thought we'd had it?

- [Martin] Tim, luck is very much like a neon sign,

it flickers on and off.

Now let's get our work done while it's still on.

- Yeah.

Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Yes?

- Our neon sign just flickered off.

- [Martin] What?

- Junior Giant is gone.

Look, see for yourself.

Uncle Martin, I think you better find yourself

another babysitter.

This is a hospital, I'm gonna be sick.

- [Martin] Pull yourself together, this is no time to panic.

- Well it's time for me, and I don't care if it's standard

or daylight savings.

What's gonna happen if they find that overgrown thumb sucker

crawling around the woodwork?

- Well, perhaps we can find him first if we hurry.

Uh oh, Brennan's coming.

Is the door closed?

- Yeah.

- You just point that nurse out to me

and I'll get to the bottom of this.

- You mean we'll get to the bottom of this.

There are a few questions I'd like to ask her.

Call it police instinct, but there's something peculiar

going on around here.

- [Martin] Well, you heard him.

- Heard him, I felt him,

he was breathing right down my neck.

- [Martin] Don't be selfish.

He's breathing down mine as well.

That uniform you're wearing would take

quite a bit of explaining.

I suggest you get back into civvies as rapidly as possible.

- Well what about you?

And how about the jolly young giant?

- [Martin] Simply turn the black light on as you leave.

As soon as I return to my self-like self,

I'll shut it off.

Then we'll rejoin forces, locate and rejuvenate junior.

- Well okay, but I hope you're not talking

through your rattle.

- [Martin] Tim, trust me.

Out of the mouths of Martian babes comes know-how.

(whistles)

- Hello there.

- Well, hello.

Are you one of the new doctors?

- Mhmm.

Specialist.

- Interesting.

What do you specialize in?

- Oh, how about young nurses?

Young, beautiful nurses.

- Oh.

Well if I can assist you in any way, doctor, just yell.

- Help.

Oh, I would like to discuss

some operating procedures with you.

- Before you start making house calls, doctor,

we do have an emergency here.

- Eavesdropper.

What are you doing in that getup?

- We Martians have excellent figures,

but I doubt if it would be appreciated,

my showing it off in a diaper.

That was all I was wearing at the time, remember?

- Oh.

- Besides.

I had to get into the administration office

and remove my record from the file.

Once we leave here, the records and the nursery count

must tally.

Now, don't you suppose we better go and try to find junior?

- Yeah, yeah.

Where do we start?

- Well as I once said to Conan Doyle, when I

(clears throat)

helped him create Sherlock Holmes,

everything is a matter of deduction.

Now, what does a baby want most besides its mother?

- His father.

- Food.

And if a small infant is always hungry,

imagine what hunger pains

an infant the size of junior feels.

- The commissary!

- Congratulations, sir.

You have just won yourself five pounds of wet cement.

(laughing)

- Five pounds of wet cement.

I don't get it.

- Will you look at him guzzle that cow juice?

- Naturally.

His fuel capacity has gone from a small economy car

to that of a limousine.

- You know, I've heard of babies who are big for their age,

but this is ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

Can't we just get him to crawl back to the closet?

- I'm surprised at you, Tim.

A little exercise like this, wearing out a man

who survived a three-hour watusi session

at the Expresso-A-Go-Go.

- Goo goo.

- Goo goo yourself.

Okay, in you go, that's a baby.

- Brennan, he's back again.

- That guy must work on a yo-yo.

- He's coming around the corner.

Quick, close the door.

- Back baby, back.

- O'Hara.

Well, this is an unpleasant surprise.

What are you doing here?

- Well, I was just looking for a story.

You never know where you're gonna find one, Lieutenant.

Which reminds me.

What are you doing here?

I suppose someone tipped you off?

That there's a crocked hypodermic needle in the place?

- Very sharp today.

- Get the point?

- But your feeble attempt at humor doesn't fool me.

There's something going on here,

and you and your uncle are always around when it is.

What is it, O'Hara?

I'll find out sooner or later.

Well, O'Hara?

- I haven't the slightest notion

of what you're talking about.

- Now see here, O'Hara.

First I find you with a baby,

which you did not report to the authorities.

- [Tim] Lieutenant?

- Then I run into a nurse who no one seems to know

and we can't find, and then you show up...

O'Hara.

- Ah, O'Hara.

- Oh good day, doctor?

- Yeah, yeah, I give you that interview

you wanted on modern medicine.

Just as soon as the baby arrives.

- Baby's arriving?

- Yeah, don't you hear a stork?

He's in there, flapping his wings.

- I hope it's on schedule, doctor.

- Now, see here, O'Hara.

(baby crying)

- Yeah, right on schedule.

Ah, you come with me now,

I'll give you the story that you wanted.

Come to the nursery room.

- Yeah doc.

- I'll be a monkey...

- Were you speaking to me?

- Hmm?

Oh, no, I was just talking to myself.

- Here, Tim, hold the baby.

- I never heard of a baby delivered that fast.

- You saw a baby delivered out here?

- Oh, no.

In there.

- Oh, in here.

In the linen closet.

- But that was the delivery room.

- Now now.

Everything will be all right.

We're your friends and we're here to help.

- But you don't understand.

The doctor walked in.

And I distinctly heard a baby crying.

- You know Uncle Martin, even for a Martian,

you're a genius.

- Thank you for the compliment, Tim.

But then again, you don't know any other Martians.

- Coochie coochie coochie.

(knocking)

O'Hara.

- Detective Brennan.

Tim said he'd heard you'd had a nervous breakdown

at the hospital.

I'm delighted to see that you've recovered so rapidly.

- Spare me the kind words, O'Hara,

and get that nephew of yours out here on the double.

- Of course.

Tim, you have a visitor.

- Who is it, Uncle Martin?

Well, Lieutenant Brennan.

Are you feeling any better?

- Stop with all the solicitude for my health

and tell me what you're trying to pull!

- Temper, temper, temper, Lieutenant.

Mustn't lose your self control.

You could have a relapse.

- O'Hara.

Where did that baby come from?

- Well I told you when you first came here.

He was abandoned.

- I'm talking about the baby in the linen closet.

- Oh, he is having a relapse.

- Don't relapse me, that baby was real

and so was that nurse, and the...

(laughs)

I thought she looked familiar.

Go ahead, O'Hara.

Deny it.

- Deny what?

Deny what?

- [Brennan] Who this uniform belongs to.

- Why that belongs to me.

- Yours?

- Yes.

Yes, it's part of the new Medicare program, for the young.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin.

Don't wait up for me tonight, hmm?

You see, we will be operating tonight.

- You know something, O'Hara?

There are times I could scream.

I could just scream.

- I know exactly what you mean, Lieutenant.

(mischievous music)