Original subtitles

GIVE US A BREAK!

Hello, darlings!

Just look at them.

Listen to them. Just listen to them!

- It starts at birth. - He knows who we are!

Oh, look at him pedalling, look at him!

He says, "I'm pedalling."

How old is he, now?

- Er, 6.5 hrs. - Goodness, already?

He has Henry's eyes.

He says, "I have my daddy's eyes."

- What's his sign? - Pardon?

His sign of the zodiac.

- He's a Gemini. - Oh, this is really bad luck!

Gemini? Oh, what a rascal!

You'll be stealing mopeds, won't you?

What will he do when he's older?

- I don't know, yet. - He says, "I'll steal mopeds."

When will you make another one?

Yes, an only child gets bored, so he turns nasty.

Any animals? I mean, apart from your patients.

Not a monkey, he could pounce on the baby,

but a child always needs an animal.

Dogs are best. They love the baby and bite everyone else.

- A donkey. - You need a garden for a donkey.

- Thank you for the flowers. - Shame, you already had some.

Good bye, Doctor, and bravo! Very well done.

Yes, come on, do this another time.

They are everywhere.

I didn't think they'd set upon you in your cradle.

We're surrounded.

What are you doing? Who are you talking about?

If only they all went "cootchie-coo".

And now, the pains in the neck amongst the relatives.

Henry!

Oh my God, it's not easy to find!

I ask, they say "Glazed door", there isn't one.

I ask again, a Black man replies, charming though.

Not interesting at all, Marie-Paule.

He tells me, but I take the wrong way.

Oh my big brother... My little brother, my big brother!

Yes. And now, she's going to kiss me.

- Hello, Jean-Maurice. - Hello.

Tell me everything. What does he look like?

You're going to see him, Marie-Paule.

What have I done?

Have you not lost a bit of weight?

Oh, sorry!

His little sis will feed him risotto while he's single.

Where is it, then?

Room 142, but I really have to go.

Yes, off you go, my darling.

Hold it straight!

I was so lucky, the florist said it was the last one!

Henry!

Enough, enough, enough!

- Where are you going? - I don't know.

Henry!

- Jerome, where are you off to? - I've no idea.

- Jerome, what... - I went to your practice.

Your little... What's her name?

- Andromache. - That's it. She said...

He's born, then!

I jumped on the train.

Congratulations!

What's the matter?

Big mistake. Never ask anyone this question.

- Renata. - What about her?

- You'll never guess. - Just tell me.

She put my bags on the landing and had the locks changed.

- Why? - So I couldn't get in.

- All right, but why? - Well, guess.

Look, frankly, I can't, right now.

- I understand. - I'm sorry, I'm on tenterhooks.

Jump in with me.

If it suits you...

Even friends are a nuisance, pains in the bum...

Looking through one of my sports jackets, she found...

As soon as you turn your back, she goes through your things.

A letter from Birgit,

dating back to before, but not dated.

But the last time I wore this diamond pattern jacket,

my reference point is very precise,

was for the French football cup final, 26th May, last year,

Monaco-Marseilles, 1-0, Monaco won.

But I broke it up with Birgit after that.

So I put the letter in my pocket before then.

Yes.

You're not paying attention.

Was it a compromising letter?

Let's just say it is... Physical.

To start with, I didn't want to trouble you,

but she cut my water off.

- What do you mean? - To make me go away.

Without water, I can't shave.

If I don't shave, I can't broadcast.

I'm having to camp in the television showers.

Oh...

- You're in a hurry, I can tell. - No, not at all.

Could you drop me off at the Exchange?

It's not exactly on the way.

Because Frank told me to go there straight away.

After that, she made a point of being seen with a prick.

Yes, but it's a classic trick to annoy the other one.

Yes, but being seen with him in bed is going too far.

One afternoon, I came home ex abrupto,

and I was the only one who could see them.

And tell me, who was the first one

to plunge a dagger in our couple? Who was it?

I don't know. Her?

Aren't you the weather man?

Yes, but just now, I don't have any, er...

I wasn't after an autograph.

And who was it, in Luxor,

during a holiday I've only just finished paying for,

who hid behind a statue with a guide...

Even you, my old friend.

Everywhere you go, pains in the neck,

nuisances, gasbags, dreadful bores, time wasters,

formidable collection of awful pests,

top level drags, bearers of human stupidity,

jostlers, interferers, perpetual scroungers...

The worst thing is, there is always someone even more tiresome.

Frank had invited Jerome to confess in his office,

but in his office, who was the pain in the neck?

I'm listening, you know.

- So, Renata... - No, Mrs Zampana!

I say no, because if I was to sell, I would wait for a 3.3 increase.

- OK, I'll... - No, wait, wait!

Gautier!

Can I call you back, Mrs Zampana?

Good.

Well, then, Birgit...

Yes, Sir?

Ah, Gautier, er...

Yes, dollars, quick, quick!

Gautier, you'll have to change this monitor, it whisks up figures.

I didn't ask for an electric whisk.

Yes, Sir.

OK, I'm all ears.

So...

So I roll up, ex abrupto...

And...

Yes. Oh... OK, put him on, but be quick.

Vivaldi, now. Listen to this.

I'm listening.

So...

I roll up, ex abrupto, and...

And they didn't even see me, so...

So, I cough, and they...

Yes!

You cough, and...

- I cough... - No!

No, no, no, no and no!

10.12, I'm not budging.

Damned pain in the neck.

Yes, no. I have a sense of humour, but in this case...

We are trying to connect you.

The bloke, then?

What?

The bloke in Birgit's bed.

- What bloke in bed with Birgit? - Renata!

Ah...

- Not answering? - Forget it.

Well?

- Well... - I don't believe this!

Yes? Ah, yes.

I've had a think about it, don't invest too much, Mr Picarno.

Yes, yes. Don't hang up.

Wait, don't hang up, OK?

Excuse me, I...

Mr Vulpun? I've been trying to reach you all morning.

One moment, hold on. Hold on, please.

Yes?

Gisou...

Yes, Gisou.

- I don't know, I'm not sure. - Hullo? Who's on the line?

Unless you come over.

- Hullo? - Hullo?

Shh!

No? All right.

Don't threaten me, Gisou.

We are trying to connect you.

Are you dressed?

Take it off.

What perfume have you got on?

I knew it.

Listen, Gisou, you and I are both destroyers.

The tail of the drinking donkey misses the flies.

To be continued, Gisou. Wait for me, I'm coming.

We are trying to connect you.

Gautier!

No more calls, cut off the lines.

- No, please! - Is it asking too much?

- It is. - Right...

Well, then, I'm listening.

Well...

OK.

Listen to this.

Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks!

Hullo?

- It's for you. - For me?

Gautier, how did you talk to me, just now?

Hullo?

He put me on to a dog.

Ho! You put me on to a dog!

DR HENRY SAUVEUR VETERINARY SURGEON

He's cured. He says thank you, and so do I, Doctor.

Bye-bye, Mr Vandubas.

- And how's the baby doing? - He's fine.

- How old is he, now? - Er, 11.5 hrs.

- Doesn't time fly? - It does.

- Bye-bye, Mr Vandubas. - Bye-bye.

There. Goodbye, Mr Vandubas.

Bye-bye, blooming pest.

- Doctor! - Yes?

You still haven't... Myositis!

You haven't given me a date for a weekend.

- Ah, a weekend. - The 5th, all right?

No, I'm busy.

- The 12th? - Not the 12th, I have a funeral.

- In that case... - No, Mr Vandubas.

What about the 19th, then?

I'll have to check. At what time can I call you?

Day or night, whenever suits you.

It's a fine property, you'll be flabbergasted.

I can't wait.

- Doctor... - One moment, Madam.

- Your friend's waiting. - Not just now.

Yes, but...

- Hullo, Jerome? - It's you? Were you barking?

Let's have dinner at the Chameleon's.

- I'm handing over to Andromache. - But what about my diet?

- All right, Mr and Mrs Groboniek? - Yes, thank you.

And how about you? Are you OK?

Hello, my Clara. Are you well?

Well, then...

Doctor...

We are all right, but the chimp, we brought her up like a daughter.

Never any problems,

always very affectionate, very polite with my mother.

Not with your mother, with mine.

Suddenly, she started annoying us.

She started upsetting us.

Bloody bugging us.

It this true?

How do you say "Pain in the neck", in Polish?

What's the matter?

Please!

Please!

Ho! Please!

There, Clara, there. My little girl...

Enough, OK? Enough.

For the past week, she's been eating books.

Pardon?

She steals books to eat them, from cover to cover.

What have you been eating?

In one week, The End of Youth,

For Whom the Bell Tolls, by Ernest Hemingway,

and now...

She's just started Tintin in the Congo.

Tintin in the Congo is not a serious book.

Not For Whom the Bell Tolls, but To Have and Have Not.

- Mother, you're illiterate. - Fascist!

Please, leave us on our own for three minutes.

- Please, on my own with her. - That's it, three minutes.

Just three minutes.

Clara!

Oh, my Clara...

Come here, come on...

Be quiet, Grobonieks!

Clara is the child Of the Bohemian

She has never Never known any law

If you don't love me

My parents too, used to argue.

Grass grows quickly on the pavements.

One year and a bit had passed.

- Bye-bye! - Bye!

- Say bye. - Bye-bye, my mummy.

Her health and her virtue being fragile,

she was being followed by Pr. Loqueterre,

all the way to Los Angeles, where all her family lived.

Bye-bye, pretty mummy,

who had given me such a beautiful present.

At last, peace had burst into my life.

Simply happy times followed. I liked my son very much.

There, Jim-Jim.

And he was not indifferent to me.

Here, throw this to the ducks.

Go on! Yes!

Well done!

Attila!

Come here, Attila!

Sit! Come here! Sit! Enough!

I've just kidnapped Jean-Maurice's little girls, the twins.

They look so alike, they put the others to shame.

But I had forgotten my sister...

Who had not forgotten me.

- Hello, my Henry! - Hello.

Oh, I'm in a sweat!

Down, you!

Look, Valentino, two little fiancées for you.

- Is he potty-trained? - Yes.

- But she did leave nappies? - Yes, I think so.

When is she coming back? If she comes back?

I don't know.

I'll have some delivered to you. I'll draw up a full list.

He is so beautiful...

He looks like...

A compression of yourself.

They talk about micro-climates.

There is also micro-stupidity,

which reigns supreme on tiny regions,

the size of children, for instance.

Attila, leave your uncle in peace! Don't bother your uncle!

Stroke him, he doesn't bite. Attila!

Undertakers!

Damn, he's still moving.

Everything OK, Doctor?

Vandubas.

Myositis' dad.

Er...

Hello, Mr Wineglass.

I went to your zoo, to have my dogs serviced.

Because Myositis is married.

I found him a brunette.

Babette, 32kg.

- Good old Myositis. - There's more.

Let me introduce the descendants.

He's not with us, yet, it's normal.

Who left their red estate car in the way?

Oh, Golly! It was me, I'm on my way!

I'll only be a second.

I just hope he doesn't invite me again.

Then, we'll arrange something, I have five possible dates.

You can come whenever you want,

but I want you to stay in the attic.

When you see the view...

You'll be flabbergasted.

- Are you coming?! - On my way!

Myositis! Babette!

It's OK, they just want to play.

- Myositis! - All right, Doctor?

Fine, Miss, no problems.

Myositis, come to daddy! Stay! Stay!

Whose crutch is this?

No problems.

My problems were sitting outside, in the sunshine.

- Frank! - Frank!

Who hasn't had an innocent moment in their life,

ruined by one of those despair disciples?

By a character with a dark soul,

whose discourse is always longer and gloomier.

The relentless pessimists.

It is now 11.55pm on the doomsday clock.

They talk about Chernobyl,

but for them, Chernobyl was just a joke!

For the Russians?

The Russians...

And the Americans! And the Americans!

Obviously, they are in it together.

The planet is saturated, we have to annihilate!

It's all written!

Shut it, Germain.

At the moment, there are 117 phreatic tables.

Not in the air, no. They expand underground.

- That's what global warming is. - I wish he'd leave me alone.

The planet is warming up.

In five years' time, on this tennis court,

the temperature will reach 60 degrees.

Same thing everywhere else.

We're going to burn, it's written. It's written.

So let me tell you who's rubbing their paws.

Rats.

Rats breed even more frantically in a higher thermic environment.

You know that, don't you? Fine, thank you.

And because they have this atavistic plan

to invade the planet,

as soon as there are 500 billions of them,

they'll join forces to launch their attack.

New York, Sir.

OK, four all, Arianne to serve. Hullo?

Hullo?

Love-30!

I told you to buy when the market is weak.

No, no, no.

No. What?!

Fault!

Your ball! You're fine. It's nothing at all.

Isn't he an absolute drag, with his phone?

Eggs from the garden!

And freshly laid today.

Before, the desert was expanding.

Today, it's the other way round.

The desert is retreating, whilst tides are increasing.

Some cities will be totally silted up,

whilst others are totally flooded.

Leave us alone, Germain.

Eating eggs? You're eating eggs?! Are you suicidal?

- What about salmonella? - Who's Salmonella?

AIDS, add war, add Haroun Tazieff's prediction,

add salmonella, equals the end, E-N-D.

And this is just a beginning.

Since that man in black said it was the end of the world,

I give them back their freedom.

So that they can enjoy it, for a while.

Their freedom.

One, two, three, five... Damn, I made a mistake.

I can never get it right.

One, two, one, two, three, one, two.

Damn, one, two, three, five. Damn, I made a mistake.

I don't know. He worked perfectly, but he suddenly went wrong.

One, two, three, five, eight...

Blast! Oh no...

He's parroting my mum. It's exactly her voice.

Really?

One, two, three...

Has he heard an explosion? A firecracker or a champagne cork?

I don't think so. Will you be able to mend him?

Coco, you stupid parrot!

- Now, he's parroting my dad. - Is he?

- Can you sew? - A bit.

Right.

Buy 2.2m of black satin.

Imagine a tea cosy.

- You make one for him. - They get on my tits, Doc.

And once he's in the dark, you go back to basic maths.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

One, two, three, four... Oooh, it's not easy, you know!

He's already stopped saying "Damn, I went wrong."

That's a pity.

- Is it? - Is it?

- One, two, three... - One, two, three...

Excuse me.

I don't believe it. Are you not reconciled with Renata?

We were, but we're not, anymore

Carry on, Marinette.

Count with me. One...

It's all my fault.

- Who is the lady? - Not a lady.

Who is it?

- You'll never guess. - I don't want to. Tell me.

When did you last see Désiré?

I saw him on Sunday, why?

On Monday, he very kindly put me up for the night.

But the next day, we went to the market.

You know the type, ladies' men,

bores who claim they can get them all.

Désiré is a men's man.

Well, for him, all men are...

All of them, all!

What, accessible?

Every single one you see here,

traders or customers, whether they realise it or not...

Upcoming or real asset, they're all gay.

Gay?

Yes, these days, you don't say "poofter" or "bender", anymore.

You say "gay". Didn't you know?

No, I didn't.

- Hello, Michou. - Sir!

Hi!

Don't tell me he's gay.

- Hi, there! - You OK?

There. Where were you?

- I don't believe you. - You don't? I'll show you.

- Any lychees? - Not today.

- Any mangoes? - No mangoes, either.

Which one of you was it?

It wasn't me. I told you, it wasn't me!

- Please, it wasn't me. - Who, then?

Who was it, then?

- Good bye, young lady. - Good bye.

Oh, hell!

Take no notice.

The exception proves the rule. Come on, jump in!

Her again?

That night, Jerome and myself took refuge,

like two immigrants, inside our own lives.

In the small flat where I now lived,

Jerome was quietly dreaming in the bed of the child I missed.

This child, whom I borrowed once every two months,

from his decidedly American mummy.

Marie-Paule, my sister, had insisted to give me

a time monster which, in the silence of the night,

would chomp away on seconds like peanuts.

No, no, no!

No, no! Enough, now!

It wasn't me!

As if furnishing my flat wasn't enough...

- Thank you. - Bye-bye.

Attila, stop it! Sit!

Marie-Paule had decided to replenish my life.

Will you take Carmen home? She lives in Vaucresson.

With pleasure.

Vaucresson? Why not Brussels?

Thank you.

Vaucresson? Don't mention it, my pleasure.

She fancies you like the devil.

How tedious they are,

those who can't bear your loneliness.

While I was at the wheel,

Carmen behaved badly, rather quickly.

But I did indulge myself at times.

Nothing wrong with him.

That's very good news.

Marie-Paule had brought me a most charming person

with her perfectly healthy Persian cat.

I invited her back to my house for brunch,

not quite understanding the meaning of that word.

Her name was Geraldine,

and though I won't deny she was a looker,

she also talked far too much.

What about this one?

My first is the cry of a sheep, my second is type of monkey,

my third is the cry of a sheep, my fourth is a type of monkey.

Your fifth is the cry of a sheep.

- You know it? - No.

My whole is a train coming in the station.

Baa baboon, baa baboon, Baa baboon, baa baboon...

And as I rather like observing a minute of silence

after the skirmish of love...

Hullo?

- Little bro? - Yes.

Dinner on Friday with an Italian who loves Puccini, like you?

Stop bugging me, Marie-Paule.

Sorry? There's static on the line.

That's it, static on the line.

You're bugging me,

B for Bernard, U for Ursula, G for George, or for garbage,

I for insufferable, N for no more of this!

No need to spell it out.

I get it.

Please forgive me.

Would you repeat this on mummy's grave?

He fell asleep immediately.

- He dreams a lot. - Does he?

Didn't you know?

He's not always with me. He lives in America.

- Thank you very much. - Thanks.

Here you are.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

- Oh, has my associate arrived? - Yes, half an hour ago.

Very good. Bye!

Good evening, Gautier.

Would you pass me my glasses, to improve our chances?

There.

Thank you.

Oh, Gautier...

Is it morning, yet?

No, it isn't. Please go to bed.

I want you to put me to bed.

Excuse me.

Look, Jim, listen...

Daddy is busy, leave him be.

You can see that daddy's busy.

Why are you wearing a skirt?

Never mind that, just go to sleep.

Otherwise, I warn you, Father Christmas...

He went off like a light.

No more sound, no more pictures.

- Gautier... - Yes?

Take everything off.

Why, what difference does it make?

I don't know. Academic.

- Gautier... - Yes?

- Gautier... - Henry.

- Ah, Gautier... - Tell me a story, please.

- I'll give you a smack. - Just one story.

Then, you go to sleep, I warn you!

Yes.

- Right! - Don't shout.

A witch and seven dwarves were in the woods.

- Don't shout. - All right.

- One day, the witch... - But, who's this lady?

Er, she's... She's a friend.

- Hello, Madam. - Hello.

What about this witch, then?

Well yes, what about the witch?

Yes, well, one day...

The seven lady dwarves went to the market in the snow.

The town was wearing her white ermine coat.

Suddenly, knock knock on the old man's door.

The witch, "Would you like an apple?"

The man, "How much are they?"

12.50 francs a kilo.

No, thank you, are you kidding?

But you get 13 for the price of 12.

Alas, the old man agrees, and he eats the 13th apple.

That's why the story is called The 13th Apple.

When the seven dwarves came back from the market...

The old man was lying on the floor, poisoned.

You're right. That's exactly it, sweetheart.

And so, what did they do? What did the seven...

Don't worry, I'm fine.

What do you mean, what about her?

- Who, "her"? - My car.

Where?

Wait a second, what do you mean, "Where?"

No, I'm sorry. No, no, no!

- I'm sorry! - What do you want?

To draw up an accident report.

- Insurance policy! - What insurance?

- Not insured? - It's not my bike.

- Stolen? - Borrowed.

- From? - Not your business.

I'm being polite, so be polite too!

Seen this scratch? Do you know what this car is worth?

No, but I'm still bothered. Stop wriggling.

What if I did this on your face?

All right, vehicle A and vehicle B.

You're vehicle B.

Ah, shit!

Well then, I was here, you came from there, OK?

I was in a perfectly legal position,

I was in control of my vehicle.

I'm showing it with an arrow.

Broken line.

Cross at the point of impact.

Cross at the point of impact... Shit!

It won't be so funny when you get the bill.

You scratched the bonnet.

I've not scratched anything.

Oh no, shit...

Name and surname.

- Capp, Andy. - Capp...

- No, seriously. - Seriously.

Betty Boop.

Poop Poop Pee Doop.

OK, any witnesses?

Brilliant!

OK, you don't want to tell me your name.

- Gender, then? - Yes.

What, "Yes"?

Some women look as good as you, and they are not women. Gender?

Just a moment, Sir!

Ah, you saw everything.

- Objectively, this young... - Did you see everything?

Yes, and to start with, she...

Oh, I see!

In the Pain in the Arse family, we now have the cousin.

How come there are so many of you?

- Why me? - See how she talks to us?

Go after her, go after her!

It's OK, it's OK.

I'm OK, I'm fine.

I'm fine. It's OK, I'm fine.

"In the Pain in the Arse family, we now have the cousin."

What a great woman...

A woman who scratched your heart in the street with a bike pedal,

will never enter your life again.

But she will enter mine.

Can a friend who invites his friends

to celebrate the New Year luxuriously,

play the Nutcracker Suite?

Ah, the beautiful Lucienne is going to truss up the mallards.

No, too hot!

The answer is yes, he can, if he loves cooking

and everyone is made to enlist in the orchestra.

Doctor, what could I ask you to do?

Pinch the carps, it's a start, anyway.

I'm watching you.

What on earth are you doing? Give me this knife.

There, like this.

- In the left hand? - Yes, I'm left-handed.

Mind your nails, then.

But what are you doing?

I said diced, you're making a Julienne.

Me?! Careful what you say! Me, making a Julienne?!

- Yes, all right... - Oh, the cheek!

- Making a Julienne? - Yes, a Julienne.

- Who did this to the crayfish? - I did.

You asked me.

On the contrary, congratulations, Mrs Bétheil.

Frank, a great friend whose leg I pull only out of jealousy,

was a bourgeois, but also a gentleman cook.

Nothing was too much for his cooking.

He gave it the most beautiful of tools, language.

Here, we braise, we blanch, we fry gently, we steam, we skim.

We whet the appetite, we skin, we peel, we filet.

We don't squeeze a lemon, we express it.

Not the chef's hat, I look a fool.

Would Mrs Bétheil do the venison before she sits down?

Me?

No, no, Mrs Bétheil.

You brown the venison...

Before dusting it with flour.

Three volunteers to go to the cellar.

- We've already been three times. - Make it four!

Two or three sprigs of dill, from the greenhouse, chop chop!

Second one... Excuse me!

"In the Pain in the... family, the cousin."

You? You're here?

I've been watching you for ten minutes.

You didn't see me.

Sorry, you have flour on your face.

There are two official languages in Norway.

But be careful.

If you meet a Laplander,

don't address him in Norwegian, he would answer in Finnish.

- Really? - Yes.

We went with North Pole Adventures, but you can use any tour operator.

They'll all take you to the same country.

Cold country, warm people.

Crossed, would you believe, by the Gulf Stream.

Welcome to the club, Mrs Bétheil.

The Gulf Stream!

The Gulf Stream? Never!

Yes, the Gulf Stream.

Hence, in the spring...

Light, flowers, fruit trees...

Which are mirrored...

Which are mirrored in the magical water of the fjords.

What is a fjord, in fact?

- A fjord... - All sitting down?

Yes!

Three, four!

Come on!

There, come on, let's not waste time.

Stop the music!

Spoon in the air...

On your marks, one, two...

This is not happening.

Hullo?

Gisou!

Happy New Year to you too, Gisou!

No, it's 10pm, we're in France.

Happy New Year!

Yes, me too, lots! Loads of them!

Is it OK to put the spoons down?

No.

Yes.

I can't repeat after you just now, I...

Yes.

Me too. Yes.

Your mother, your husband, your sister...

I give you one million kisses. Of course, they are new.

Bye-bye, my love.

It was her.

Attack!

Isn't Mrs Bétheil attacking?

Did you use truffle?

Yes, it's truffle soup.

- I can't have truffle. - You can't have truffle?

It must be difficult to feed yourself.

Come on, eat, don't mind me.

When you find yourself at the bottom of a fjord,

it really strikes you.

What does?

Not the undersea riches, invisible to the naked eye.

Although fishing ranks first in the world,

and, let me say this in passing,

merchant marine represents 10% of the European tonnage.

No, it's something else, it's...

How shall I put it?

The feeling that your are leaning over...

Over water.

- This is too simplistic. - No, "over water" sounds good.

No!

What is there, under the water?

A whole cultural thrill, starting with the most naive beliefs.

During the last ice age, the phenomenal weight of the ice

pushed the earth crust in.

Consequently, as the icecap melted,

the sea rushed in to up to 200km inland.

This is the time when,

in the midst of black cliffs and gleaming waterfalls,

trolls appeared.

What is a troll?

The marine troll causes the death of the mindless chatterer,

yourself, or anybody else.

The "nokken", or freshwater goblin,

- however... - Machinery users and car drivers,

please be warned that Mrs Bétheil's conversation

may well induce drowsiness.

I'm joking, Delphine.

I know, I'm a dreadful bore.

Of course, not!

I can't help it!

Not at all...

No, thank you.

Happy New Year!

- Happy New Year. - And to you, too.

- And good health, as well. - Yes, health is...

- And many freshwater goblins! - Oh, you're mocking me!

Where's Jerome?

Henry, do you have a second?

If I want to.

They don't exist.

- Oh, Frank! - He's completely smashed.

It's because of her, with her fjords.

It reminded him of his Norwegian woman, Birgit.

Norwegian...

Help me, I won't be able to put him to bed on my own.

- So in fact, you love Birgit? - Yes.

- Don't make it worse, please! - Full lock, lots of room!

Out of the way!

Ah! A troll! I want her!

- No, you don't! - I do!

- I want the troll! - Quiet!

Henry!

- Happy New Year, darling. - Happy New Year, pal.

You know Jack.

- No. Happy New Year. - Happy New Year.

- The young lady with the rose... - Louise?

- Happy New Year! - Désiré! Happy New Year!

32, Place des Vosges.

- Yes? - Er, Pastor Redbean at home?

Pastor Redbean?

Neither Pastor nor Redbean at this address.

Good night.

He looks like he's smiling.

- Mimi... - He is smiling, he's dreaming.

Almost over, don't worry.

- So, when are you coming to my... - Shh! You'll wake him up.

The first year, I can't remember what happened,

the next one, you broke your ankle.

So, what are you doing on Sunday the 8th?

- Not the 8th. - The 15th, then?

I'm afraid this month, unfortunately...

Let's look at next month, then.

- Ah, a bank holiday on the 2nd! - Shh! Not the 2nd.

The 14th?

Bring your swimming trunks, because now...

There's an indoor swimming pool.

Don't worry, Madam, we'll find a solution.

I told this lady to call back later,

but she retorted she'd rather wait.

I asked who she was,

she retorted it was a private call.

Rinse him well, taking all the usual precautions.

Hullo?

First of all, I'd like to tell you that I now eat truffles.

And do you know what? I've not experienced any problems.

Mrs Bétheil, speaking.

In fact, I'm calling you about my sloth.

- Hullo? - Er, yes?

Sloths are toothless, and a type of monkey.

There are Hoffmann's sloths and brown-throated sloths.

Indeed.

Imagine this toothless mammal walking upside down in my flat!

We had to fit a bar in the lounge for him.

But the point is that my sloth is in fact a lady sloth...

Yes?

And she is preggers, if you'll pardon my French.

I'm not sure what to do. Do you have a maternity unit?

Pardon? Who is this?

It's me, Louise.

Louise?

The fireworks.

How do you know

about brown-throated and Hoffmann's sloths?

I have a book in front of me.

- When do you finish work? - Me? I don't know, 7pm, 7.05pm.

7.30pm at the China Club, is that all right?

Absolutely fine.

- Ah, well done! - What for?

You're the last one, we're closing.

- Your group? - My group?

Blood group.

AB, but I'm just on my way to...

AB?!

- Paul, AB! - Oh, how wonderful!

- We're very short of AB. - I'm sorry, but...

Sounds silly, but you're very rare.

Holy Mother!

God created the world and the world created surprises.

I was missing a crucial meeting

which would determine the rest of my life...

In order to shed, for strangers,

blood which I had just found out, didn't belong to me.

Your blood doesn't belong to you.

Your blood belongs to everyone.

- I'm so pleased you came. - I said I would, Fanny.

- Having a drink? - Sorry, no time.

Are you expecting someone?

I was, yes.

In that case, beware of Dullsville, over there.

- Dullsville? - Yes.

- Where? - Under the lamp.

Look at him.

He reads the Financial Times, or he doesn't.

He's watching you in the mirror, preparing the safari.

He's not the sort to flash his teeth or his smile,

or to wile you with aftershave.

Just a crashing bore of a stalker,

who goes hunting without charming.

Our latest resident stinker.

He's going to stand up and to walk very close to you,

casting his eye on everything but you.

His newspapers under his arm, and suddenly, stop!

He puts a cigarette in his mouth and he asks you for a match.

I may not have any.

He saw you smoking, otherwise, he'd ask for the time.

That's when he says, his face hollowed by far niente...

- Fanny, time to play. - Yes, yes.

And then, he comes back.

Why? Because he has forgotten his car keys on the table.

Come on, Fanny!

Excuse me, you don't have a match, do you?

Ah, let me see, er...

Yes, quite possibly.

Profoundly grateful.

What happens next?

Normally, he comes back and asks to make a call from the bar.

He sits next to you while he waits, but no one ever answers the phone.

So he leaves again, but that's where he is very clever.

Whatever time you get out of here,

his car is outside, winking at you.

And in the car, you get Sinatra, a spliff...

It's not a car, it's a bachelor pad.

Have you been in his car, then?

He took me back, one day.

- Well, back to his place. - And?

Nothing, I broke a little statuette as I came out of the bathroom,

and he slapped me.

- No! - Yes.

Go away, Louise, this bloke is trouble.

Never, it's too funny. I'm waiting for him.

I got to the car park, no keys.

Armand, please call this number.

In London.

- I get to the car park... - No keys.

May I get you a little... Little something to listen to?

- Er, yes. - What?

I don't know... Yes!

The Little Girl and the Big Monkey.

Fanny, do you know The Little Girl and the Big Monkey?

Of course.

Paul, give him a sandwich!

You were green, now you're white, it's great.

- Yes, it's great. - You mustn't faint like this.

I know that I mustn't,

but it's not about morals, I just feel sick.

- Good night, Sir, thank you. - Good night.

I want a sick note, I have missed a crucial meeting.

I demand a sick note!

My name is Jean-Sébastien.

- Like the composer? - That's right.

I'm called Maud.

Not asking where I got my tan?

Yes. Where did you get so tanned?

In Barbados.

On a boat.

I love being naked.

Entirely naked.

- Maud... - Yes?

- Nothing, actually. - Ah.

A woman is a landscape.

And there are landscapes

in front of which you have to remain silent.

- This is undeniable. - Yes.

Let the silence fold its wings around words, and around...

Around eggs.

- Yes. - Yes.

Any weed in this region? A little spliff.

How do you know?

Leather... It soaks in.

In front of you.

12 CONDOMS

What on earth is Preservex?

What do you think?

- Oh, dear, no. - What, "Oh dear, no"?

You just said that you like being entirely naked.

- But Maud... - Don't "But Maud" me.

But Maud, we can't avoid it.

We didn't choose the times we live in.

I have made a choice. I love boys.

And you are neither the first nor the last.

Faced with this kind of disguise, I...

You're completely bonkers!

She's nuts.

Let's not make love wearing masks, Jean-Sébastien.

What?

Now, take me to Barbados.

All night long.

That's it. Don't count on it!

Make love wearing masks... She's off her trolley!

- Bye-bye! - That's right, bye!

Yes, but I have a sick note.

What pains in the neck!

- I thought he was in Sofia. - In Sofia?

Yes, Sofia. He's come back.

I may be a liberated woman, but I'm not a free woman, clearly.

Clearly.

I've had enough of this, all right?

I didn't say anything.

Call me tomorrow morning at 8.30.

I don't even care.

Ah, I just...

Pardon? No, no.

It doesn't matter, Mr Barnaby. Bye-bye.

Coming, coming!

Coming, coming, coming!

No, wrong address...

Marie-Paule?! I don't need anything.

No, this time, I need you.

I've met a man.

I'm divorcing Jean-Maurice.

- Shit. - His name is Rolland.

- Do you like it? - Yes. I don't know.

My darling, my darling... You'll love him, he's a bookseller.

His sister is much younger than me, but...

Why are you telling me about his sister?

- Because they are twins. - Ah.

Here. These are just formalities, you just need to sign.

- Have you noticed my hair? - I have.

It's called Gust of Wind on the Azores.

What is this?

It's to speed things up. Everyone writes letters like this.

"I, the undersigned Henry Sauveur, declare that many a time,

my sister shook with sobs..." Awful style!

"While telling me that her husband made her undress fully

in front of the 8pm newsreader..."

- Did Jean-Maurice do this? - No!

Do you think I went too far? Make a few changes if you like.

Does Jean-Maurice even want a divorce?

He knows that otherwise, it will be hell.

But we can also stay friends.

"What of St Hilarion Jean-Maurice, who, some evenings,

wears fishnet stockings for no valid reason..."

Are you Mad? Do you think I'll sign this?

Is this water meant to flow down the stairs?

Oh, my God!

- Oh, no! - I'm here, I'm here!

Indeed, you are here...

I must be dreaming!

When he went off to Ireland to ride ponies with his secretary,

you stayed neutral!

But when I want to give my body a chance, you take his side!

To think I'm still helping you mopping your mess,

like when we were little.

And what's this, I see?

No!

- No! - Henry?

- No! No! - Henry...

Hullo?

- Is Mr Salvage in? - He's not coming in, this morning.

Er, it's er... Henry Sauveur, speaking.

- Morning, Gautier. - Good morning, Sir.

Why am I calling? Yes, I know...

The other evening, New Year's eve, I promised one of the guest...

Charming, but whose name totally escapes me...

The address of a great acupuncturist,

one who really dots the i's.

But with my hectic lifestyle, I've lost her number.

Marie-Louise, maybe?

Louise?

Sherry? Really?

Like the drink?

Yes, just a moment.

Just a moment.

43...

59, 28 and...

It's 02, isn't it?

I'd like to speak to Mrs Sherry, please.

Please hold the line.

We are trying to connect you as soon as possible.

Mrs Sherry is in a meeting. Could you ring back later?

No, I'd rather wait.

You could be waiting a whole hour.

Never mind, I'd rather wait.

- Hullo, Henry? - Hullo?

- Louise? Louise Sherry? - Yes.

At last, I held in my arms the woman...

Good evening, here's your welcome drink.

Cider with a dash of Calvados and...

And an oak leaf.

Thank you.

Thank you, Sir, not in our hotel.

At last, I held in my arms...

Has the chamber maid told you about the bath tap?

Yes, everything is fine.

Anything above 4, I warn you, you'll scald yourselves.

- Shall I close the shutters? - No need, thank you.

- Good evening, then. - Good evening.

At last, I...

Let me tell you about the air conditioning.

- Right, zero means zero. - How much?

- Zero. - OK.

- Up to 18... - Yes?

Leave well alone, we've set it to 18.

You're going too fast, let me write it down.

No... Thank you, Sir.

- Nothing special about the TV. - Bye!

- You don't... - Need anything, thank you.

Good evening, Sir. Good evening, Madam.

On the Channel coasts and in Normandy, I give you my word

that the sun will shine continuously, until Tuesday.

The candles are just here.

Here, here, three, four! And what about a fire?

- Shall I light it? - Not for us!

How do you mean, "Not for us"?

It's juniper. The kind of fire you listen to.

Listen to this...

- Yes, yes... Yes. - Yes, correct.

Hey presto!

The whole of Europe will also be bathed in sunshine,

thanks to the Azores high...

Never mind.

And should you need anything, dial 15, my name is Marius.

Thanks again.

Let's get undressed before he intrudes again.

Louise!

I'm opening the window!

- I can't! - Pardon?

Louise?

Ah, I'm so pleased to see you.

Come this way!

We should have the chimney swept more often.

We haven't had it swept, we should have it swept.

Cabourg's Low Tide. Here you are.

Enjoy your meal, Sir, Madam...

Glass of beer!

Who's having our best prawn platter?

- We are. - Enjoy!

Thank you.

- Wait. - What?

- Louise... - Present.

I want to declare my love to you.

Are you ready?

Ready.

Louise...

- Shall we sit here? - Absolutely.

I'm famished. Are these pretzels?

Absolutely.

I don't get your babe. Why wangle this just for you?

- Absolutely. Absolutely. - She's bad news.

Time's up. Not hanging around forever, not me.

You should have seen her face!

Get the feeling she thinks you're gay?

- Sorry. - No problem.

Chill out, pal!

A chick can manage her looks, not her feelings.

I won't even tell you how it all finished, for him.

- Bloody midgets! - I did OK.

You try and find Yes Men, especially here.

Wondergirls, they are everywhere.

- He was so browned off! - Hard luck. Is that true?

Yes.

I'm clean, and with her, I'm always soft, aren't I?

But I won't wait outside her door for ever.

Absolutely.

She's like all the birds on this planet, totally atypical.

- She's in her own world. - What?

Slice of bread?

Dammit! Why don't you tell her she's breaking your balls?

It's not that hard.

Yes, it is. It's too much or too short.

Break-ups are hard. Look at me and Pat, it cheesed me off.

Stunning climax...

Are we off?

What's the time?

- Excuse me. - What?

What's the time?

- I make it 8.30pm. - 8.30pm?!

Time to shoot off!

- Bloody migraine... - OK, come on!

Shall I light a fire?

No, thank you.

What's the matter?

Everything. I love you.

Stop it.

You don't love me, you fancy me.

No, I love you.

It will only last a moment.

It will last forever.

Won't you sit down?

I can't. I can't, I can't.

I can't have two lives.

As it is, just the one can be too much.

I can't tear the other side apart. I can't bring myself to tell him.

So, us...

We have to part straight away.

Put the end before the beginning.

You understand?

Forget me, it's not the end of the world.

It is.

You'll fall in love with someone else.

No.

"Shall I close the shutters?"

It hurts so much...

Making love with a woman in tears is out of the question.

We parted with caresses.

- Bye, Mrs Lambert. - Bye, Doctor.

Bye-bye.

- Doctor? - Yes?

My dog...

Sorry.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

I went through difficult times, after that.

Louise had left.

But if she was looking for her laughter,

her perfume, her shadow... I had kept them.

What have you lost, Andromache?

Mrs Lamotte has come back for her python.

Where have you put him?

- Cain? - Yes, Cain.

The other day,

you left your stethoscope in the penguins' enclosure.

Now, you've mislaid a snake. Honestly, what is occurring?

Andromache, I put him in a drawer.

I give you my word of honour, but I have forgotten which one.

Ah, here he is.

Forgive me.

Sorry.

My brother in law...

Jean-Maurice, what are you doing here?

Why did you say I wear fishnet stockings?

Morning, professor!

What are you talking about?

What right do you have to write

that I asked your sister to whip me with gladioli?

But I never...

- Morning, Sauveur! - Morning, Trévillon!

I never wrote such things. Will this farce ever end?

Henry, my lawyer gave me the documents.

They are damning!

Henry!

Henry!

You never liked me.

But to go as far as writing that I made her

"undress fully in front of the 8pm newsreader..."

- Hello, Professor. - I never wrote this.

Why the 8 o'clock news?

Get off my back, Jean-Maurice!

- Hello! - Morning!

- Morning, Henry! - You pipe down, OK?

Morning, professor!

Isn't this your signature?

It isn't, no.

She forged my signature.

What's an Argentinian wheelbarrow?

You say I make her do the Argentinian wheelbarrow.

I don't know what an Argentinian wheelbarrow is!

What?!

You all piss me off!

Your wife forged my signature,

I've never heard of an Argentinian wheelbarrow.

All right.

Could you write a letter to confirm this?

All right.

Henry!

Henry!

Louise! It's been so long!

- Can't explain. - Coming down!

- No! Come to my house tonight. - But...

- Please come. - To your house?

We've split up, he understands.

- Really? - He even wants to meet you.

Maybe not...

Yes, do come, Henry!

- Where are you going, so fast? - Off to work!

- Not too far, Vercingetorix! - Doctor!

Yes? Not too far, Vercingetorix! Vercingetorix has just...

Doctor, just look at what you can see.

I'm a great-great-great-granddad.

- Isn't life beautiful? - Oh yes, it is!

Come to my house to see the others!

19! There are 19 of them! When are you coming? The 19th?

- I can't. - The 26th?

- I can't either. - Whenever you want!

- Change of plan! - How come?

- We're going! - Who's going with whom?

You, with me. He's given me a return to New York.

Who? Your couple counsellor?

Night of love in America. My invite.

What about my work, my animals?

You could ask one of your... What is it called, a colleague?

Or am I less important than a beast?

Just a question. How would I have found out?

A note on the door, "Waiting at the airport."

- It's like a musical. - Yes. A very rhythmic one.

I wouldn't eat or talk anymore. I was never nasty, though.

- He asked, "What's up with you?" - I replied, "Nothing."

"I have nothing, Slobodan."

- Pardon? - It's his name.

Last night, he played the cello from 8pm to 8am.

- And in the morning... - He died.

Stop it!

He said, "I'm going back to my wife's, in Sofia."

"If you want to spend a few days in Sofia with him..."

You. "You'll be most welcome."

Slobodan plays fair.

Yes, I know!

- Do you like popular novels? - I do.

Me too. As they say in novels, nothing will ever come between us.

Yes, I know where it is.

This is your captain speaking, we should be taking off in 2 min.

I wish you a pleasant flight.

Excuse me, Sir, H-33.

We are together.

Would you mind taking the other seat?

Actually, I always choose the middle seat.

I don't want my feet on the avenue,

with those pains walking up and down,

brats falling over you, etc.

So, excuse me, H-33.

If you like, there is a centre seat over there,

and two more at the back, smoking or non smoking.

Not over there, I'd be in front of the engines.

And at the back,

the plane is so happy that its tail starts wagging,

and so does my stomach.

Why not a seat outside, on the wing?

So, you don't want us to find a solution?

No. I'm sorry. Excuse me, H-33.

Don't worry, Sir, it's only natural.

Captain Lambert and his crew welcome you

on board this Air France Airbus,

to New York.

Please fasten your seatbelt and refrain from smoking.

We wish you a very pleasant journey.

Excuse me!

Champagne, please!

- Not having your chips? - Er, no.

Sir, are you sure you don't want your meal?

I said no.

May I?

This one, we should have numbered him,

like a piece that collectors fight over.

Louise was watching me, with my specimen in my arms.

Blooming nuisance.

Certified pest.

Dreadful bore, headache.

Swine, pain in the neck.

Wearisome windbag.

Complete creep, tormentor, downright drag...

Bleeding stinker.

- Henry! - Yes?

Love of my life.

Touché.

We finally landed in the New World.

Worn out by the ordeal and looking drawn by desire,

silently impatient,

we embarked feverishly aboard this lift

which seemed to be climbing up the American sky.

What could happen to us now?

And despite being tired, I smiled to myself,

as I figured that we had had to cross the Atlantic Ocean

and to bring our bodies to exile...

For them to finally feel this euphoria

of pleasure and of love, described by Tolstoy as...

"Right up to the depths of time..."

"It is absolutely, irremediably..."

- Louise! - Henry...

SUBTITLES: RED BEE MEDIA FRANCE